JSW's Obscure Lists
jetsetwilly
Liverpool, UKPosts: 1,048MI6 Agent
As you may have noticed I have a fondness for lists. There's something deeply satisfying about forming a run down of facts, or connections, or opinions. So to share my bounteous knowledge with you all, this new thread will bring some of my ideas and thoughts to you, the masses. Enjoy.
TEN THINGS WHICH WOULD MAKE A VIEW TO A KILL 3000 TIMES BETTER
1. Give everyone bizarre hairstyles, not just Grace Jones and Christopher Walken. Patrick Macnee in a Mohican. Alison Doody in an afro. Desmond Llewellyn with a Hoxton fin. Give Roger Moore a number one all over, then carve a swastika in the back of his head to make him look like a football hooligan.
2. Make Grace Jones sing every line. Pull up to the bumper baby/Your helicopter leaves in twenty minutes. In fact, make everyone sing. Make it a musical. With dancing mine workers, and Pan Ho and Jenny Flex singing a comedy duet about being overlooked henchwomen, and Scarpine regaling Zorin with “Secret Love”.
3. Replace Tanya Roberts with an Irish Wolfhound. Pros: a large hairy dog with no power of speech would still be more convincing in a discussion about plate tectonics. Cons: the final shower scene would be unlikely to be shown outside certain specialist cinemas in Amsterdam.
4. Get Roger Moore’s plastic surgeon to give everyone a face lift, so everyone looks like Roger Moore. Imagine: Roger Moore fights Roger Moore on the Golden Gate Bridge, while Roger Moore clings to the girders below. In a dress.
5. Instead of being a psychotic multibillionaire technology genius, make Max Zorin a disgruntled kebab shop owner, and instead of destroying Silicon Valley, he wants to wipe out Manchester’s legendary Wilmslow Road, the famous “Curry Mile”. This way he can corner the market in exotic foodstuffs sold to drunk people. “And all to coincide with the World Cup for maximum effect!”
6. Make everyone deliver their lines in a sarcastic tone of voice.
7. Leave Roger Moore as Bond, but recast all the other parts with toddlers.
8. Ramp up the violence to a ludicrous degree. Have Aubergine’s cheek ripped open by the butterfly, revealing his jawbone. Show Chuck Lee having his eyeballs gouged out, then drop him in a thresher. Make the mine massacre last for fifteen minutes, in prolonged, pornographic close up; when his gun runs out of bullets, Max Zorin starts smashing the empty gun across people’s heads, caving in skulls and faces as he goes, slaughtering indiscriminately, until he’s dripping blood and entrails. And laughing all the while.
9. Set the whole film inside a beach ball.
10. Film the whole thing with items of hosiery stretched over the lens to assist the audience’s reactions. A sports sock could be used for scenes of action; ribbed tights for dialogue; and obviously a pair of stockings would be suited for the sexier scenes. Pop socks could indicate comedy.
TEN THINGS WHICH WOULD MAKE A VIEW TO A KILL 3000 TIMES BETTER
1. Give everyone bizarre hairstyles, not just Grace Jones and Christopher Walken. Patrick Macnee in a Mohican. Alison Doody in an afro. Desmond Llewellyn with a Hoxton fin. Give Roger Moore a number one all over, then carve a swastika in the back of his head to make him look like a football hooligan.
2. Make Grace Jones sing every line. Pull up to the bumper baby/Your helicopter leaves in twenty minutes. In fact, make everyone sing. Make it a musical. With dancing mine workers, and Pan Ho and Jenny Flex singing a comedy duet about being overlooked henchwomen, and Scarpine regaling Zorin with “Secret Love”.
3. Replace Tanya Roberts with an Irish Wolfhound. Pros: a large hairy dog with no power of speech would still be more convincing in a discussion about plate tectonics. Cons: the final shower scene would be unlikely to be shown outside certain specialist cinemas in Amsterdam.
4. Get Roger Moore’s plastic surgeon to give everyone a face lift, so everyone looks like Roger Moore. Imagine: Roger Moore fights Roger Moore on the Golden Gate Bridge, while Roger Moore clings to the girders below. In a dress.
5. Instead of being a psychotic multibillionaire technology genius, make Max Zorin a disgruntled kebab shop owner, and instead of destroying Silicon Valley, he wants to wipe out Manchester’s legendary Wilmslow Road, the famous “Curry Mile”. This way he can corner the market in exotic foodstuffs sold to drunk people. “And all to coincide with the World Cup for maximum effect!”
6. Make everyone deliver their lines in a sarcastic tone of voice.
7. Leave Roger Moore as Bond, but recast all the other parts with toddlers.
8. Ramp up the violence to a ludicrous degree. Have Aubergine’s cheek ripped open by the butterfly, revealing his jawbone. Show Chuck Lee having his eyeballs gouged out, then drop him in a thresher. Make the mine massacre last for fifteen minutes, in prolonged, pornographic close up; when his gun runs out of bullets, Max Zorin starts smashing the empty gun across people’s heads, caving in skulls and faces as he goes, slaughtering indiscriminately, until he’s dripping blood and entrails. And laughing all the while.
9. Set the whole film inside a beach ball.
10. Film the whole thing with items of hosiery stretched over the lens to assist the audience’s reactions. A sports sock could be used for scenes of action; ribbed tights for dialogue; and obviously a pair of stockings would be suited for the sexier scenes. Pop socks could indicate comedy.
Comments
my stomach hurts from laughing. brilliant list, JSW...you've completely made my day {[]
~Pen -{
mountainburdphotography.wordpress.com
You mean they didn't ??
Perhaps the whole film should have been a mime - with everyboby dressed as Marcel Marceau :007)
THE DENISE RICHARDS BOUNCY CASTLE (Adults Only).
THE VICTOR TOURJANSKY ACTION FIGURE. Comes with detachable wine bottle and glass. TSWLM beach version (with Speedos) also available. But only if you really must.
MY LITTLE GEBRÜDER GUMBOLD. Enter into the magical world of shifty lawyers. Comes with hat, glasses and a Playboy magazine tucked in his Die Welt. Now with Real Hair! (Coming Soon: My Little Swiss Banker)
MILTON KREST MR POTATO HEAD. Tomato ketchup not included.
DIE ANOTHER DAY DIE CAST INVISIBLE ASTON MARTIN. Withdrawn after parents discovered they’d paid £19.99 for an empty box.
FIONA VOLPE & HELGA BRANDT ACTION FIGURES. Like Teela and Evil-Lyn in Masters Of The Universe, these are exactly the same character, just with different heads.
BARBIE AS LUPE LAMORA DOLL. Removed from shelves when embarrassed filmmakers realised Barbie was a better actress than Talisa Soto.
BARBARA BACH SPEAK N SPELL. Withdrawn when it was realised it had two “v’s” and no “w” key.
@merseytart
Talking of which:
http://www.alamy.com/stock-photography-search-results.asp?qt=lazenby&lic=7&ipn=2&apn=1&cpn=1&cdpn=1&mr=0&pr=0&ot=0&nu=0&cdsrt=0&pn=3&st=0&a=-1&cid=&cdid=&s1=0&s3=0&s5=0&s7=0&pseudoid=0
Roger Moore 1927-2017
I don't think I can match you JSW, but I have a couple of ideas on how to improve JFF.
1. Hypnotise Tanya Roberts so that every time Roger Moore raises an eyebrow, she runs into a wall.
2. Give Dolph Lundgren more screen time. In fact let him direct the film as well.
3. Make Sir Godfrey Bond's imaginary friend. Or a ghost like in Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased).
4. Replace Paris with Blackpool. Instead of race-horses being injected with steroids, have Sir Roger investigating super-powered donkeys that have cornered the market in seaside rides.
5. Have Roger Moore fight a panda.
I know he's in the film but where?
He's in the scene where Gogol confronts Zorin as one of Gogol's bodyguards.