Roll up, roll up! It's the QoS laughfest!

Now some of you think QoS has enough laughs in it! I disagree, so I've helpfully added some more jokes into the script to improve it! All in the spirit of Mad magazine's movie spoofs. Expect lots of dinner party humour - though one of you reading this might lose his lunch... )

But then again, why worry?



A camera zooms across a peaceful lake. Ominous Dark Knight-style orchestration flits across the soundtrack, intercut with glimpses of black, batmobile type bodywork. There then follows a rip-snorting car chase in northern Italy.

Gendarme no.1: Why is Craig’s Bond crashing into a lorry driven by Craig’s Bond from the footchase in Casino Royale?
Gendarme no. 2: He’s so angry, he’s beside himself.
Gendarme no. 1 (on walkie talkie): There’s a grey Aston Martin being chased at high speed by a black Alfa Romeo firing machine guns!
Gendarme no.3: Oh, it can’t be these two approaching then. These are a black Aston Martin being chased at high speed by a black Alfa Romeo firing machine guns!
Bond arrives at the MI6 headquarters in Siena. He opens the boot, where Mr White lurks.

Mr White: That was some chase! I feel like I’ve aged two years in five minutes!
Bond: Nah, it’s the two-year gap between movies.
White: Did we take the scenic route?
Bond: Maybe – with editing like that, who can tell?

Mr White is about to be tortured by M.
White: Vesper talked so much about you Bond.
Bond: Really?
White: Yes. You can read it all on craigisnotbond.com!
Bond: I’m still annoyed my Vesper was taken from me!
White: Well, you must be used to bike crime in London... (with demonic glee) It’s so hilarious, you all know nothing whatsoever about our organisation, really nothing at all!
Bond: Neither do the scriptwriters.
Bond: moody vengeance blah blah dedidicated to my duty blah blah, the last time I was in Sienna it was more fun than this...
Mitchell: (holding up phone) It’s for you Bond. It’s the Dark Knight! He’s phoned to say you’re on his turf!
Bond: You cheeky bugger!

A footchase ensues across the rooftops. Bond nearly catches Mitchell, but bumps into a fresh-faced young American played by Matt Damon.



Jason Bourne (for it is he): Hey, you’re on my turf!
Local Italian woman: Why are you chasing him on foot?
Bond: We smashed up so many cars in the pre-credits, the company won’t give us any more!
Local: You’ll wear out your shoes doing that!
Bond: No matter, I’ve already worn out my welcome!

Bond rings a bell to distract Mitchell. A hunchback appears.
Quasimodo (for it is he): Hey! You’re on my turf - and you’re not ugly enough to – oh, as you were.

Bond and Mitchell compete in a bellringing contest on ropes. Bond shoots Mitchell dead.
Bond: He had enough rope to hang himself. He took a lift to the scaffold...
In the audience, a German groans.

Back at MI6 M is distraught.
M: Who’d have thought that the man I worked with for eight years should turn out so bad?
Bond: This is no time to bring up Pierce Brosnan!
M: What is this organisation Bond? Who runs it? We know nothing about them.
Bond: Neither do the scriptwriters.
Blah blah exposition, bank notes, tracing it to somewhere.
M: Do you know what that all means?
Bond: Yep. More airmiles.

Bond kills a man in Haiti, just to watch him die. He exits the building. A car drives up.

Camille: Get in!
Bond: Why? We don’t know where we’re going!
Camille: Neither do the scriptwriters!
Bond: We haven’t been introduced. You must be Heather Mills McCartney...
Camille: Why do you say that?
Bond: You like taking a knackered old Beatle for a ride!
Camile (angrily): Get out!
Bond: Aren’t we going all the way?
Camille: At no point in this film Mister!

Enter the villain, Dominc Greene.
Greene: Mwa-ha-ha-ha! You’ll never catch me saying, ‘Welcome to my underground lair!’ There’s nothing quirky or interesting about this Bond villain. I’m unlike any other past villains, when I’m not imitating Kamal Khan or Maximillian Largo! Blah blah exposition, carving up chunks of Bolivia, oil rights, do we have a deal then general?
General: Aren’t you worried about that British agent on a bike obviously listening in?
Greene: Are you kidding? The audio is deliberately kept so quiet even the audience can’t hear!
Camille: You tried to kill me! You just wanted to see the back of me!
Greene: Nonsense, you have quite a nasty scarred back!
A boat chase ensues.

Muppet one: Bond reminds me of Steve McQueen in The Great Escape!
Muppet two: Why? Because he looks so cool on his bike?
Muppet one: No, because he can’t get out of the movie!



Leiter and his mate Beam are on a plane with Greene. Leiter , who is sulking, wears a ‘Vote Obama’ badge on his lapel.

Beam: I want to know you’re on the same team, Leiter. There’s a hot tub round the back, run the water and oil yourself up, I’ll join you.
Greene: Never mind that. There’s a man I want you to take care of. Name of Bond. He’s running around the globe causing a menace, with no thought for anyone else.
Beam: That’s outrageous – unless he’s a Republican! I know just the one to take him out. (Reaches for his cell phone and speed dials). Mister Palin? Oh hi, can I speak to Sarah? It’s Beam. (Sounds of ‘You bring more white trash boyfriends home young Missy and there’ll be trouble d’ya hear’ come through on the line). Ah, Sarah! How’s tricks? We’re in Haiti. Yes, I expect you can see it from Washington. Anyway, we need you to shoot a guy with your crossbow!



What do you mean, you only kill dumb animals? So how come Tim Robbins’ still walking around? Surely you can shoot this guy? What’s that? Does he look like a moose?



Beam: You betcha!!

Sarah Palin leaves to shoot Bond but gets Austria confused with Australia and winds up shooting a few kangaroos instead. Meanwhile, Bond’s body count goes up.

M: Stop his passport, cancel his credit cards!
Tanner: What, to stop his movements?
M: No, he’s spending too much on Tom Ford clobber! When he gets back, he faces getting demoted! With his record, we’ll get him a job with the Metropolitan police!

Bond: Hmm, you should get a phone call soon. Can you tell them I’ve gone to Cairo?
Ticket girl (leaning forward, smiling): Do I get a shag out of this?
Bond: No.
Ticket girl: Well p*ss off then!
Roger Moore from The Man With The Golden Gun shows up: Hey, you’re on my turf!

Bond goes to see Mathis. They fly to Bolivia for some reason. Bond is wearing a ‘I’m not as think as you drunk I am’ T-shirt.

Mathis: It’s very noble of you to say you’re sorry.
Bond: Er, I haven’t actually shed shorry.
Bartender: Three measures of gin, one measure of vodka, one half-measure of Kina Lillet, shake well until chilled, then strain into a deep goblet and garnish with a thin slice of lemon peel for a satisfying drink!
Bond: Will you not have one yourself?
Bartender: No, I’m self-satisfied!

Mathis: I have peels for every occasion to help you out! These pills with give you a certain a comfort, a...
Bond: Talk about the mile high club! Taking you to Bolivia is like bringing coals to Newcastle! How come you’re rolling in pills?
Mathis: Being Michael Jackson’s personal physician has its perks! Still, he’s rehearsing for the 02, I should be able to leave him for a couple of days, no probs!
With this pill, you acquire a small measure of..

A trolly dolly with her hair in a bun appears.
Trolly dolly: Tea, coffee, refreshments! (To Bond) And as you've clocked up so many air miles, a blow-job out the back... That should give you a Quantum of Solace.
Bond: You fool, woman! This isn't the Ian Fleming short story! What earthly purpose do you serve?
Trolly dolly: I got the name of the film in, it's about time!
Mathis: Damn! I missed my cue. My agent promised me I could say the name of the film!
Trolly dolly: You're flying economy sweetheart!

Bond and Mathis arrive at the airport in Bolivia.

Ms Fields: My name is Agent Fields.
Bond: You’re my beshtest mate!
Fields: I’m to escort you back to London!
Bond: You and whose barmy?
Fields, Mathis, Bond + the audience: The scriptwriters!

Fields and Bond are in the hotel room.
Bond: I can’t seem to find the stationary.
Fields: I’m sure you’ve got lead in your pencil.
Bond: Yes, but I’m out of rubbers.
Mathis (calling down): Would you like a French letter?
Bond: I always knew you were linked to Le Sheath...

After coitus, Bond is kissing Fields.
Bond: Well, I’m glad to see the back of you! It’s not horrible and scarred. Mathis’ Viagra pills came in useful!
Fields: I am so furious with myself!
Bond: Why, for giving into my seduction?
Fields: No, for having sex with a condom! I was sent by Dominic Greene, I’m supposed to give you herpes!
Bond: Well, I’m the one who feels cheap. We’ve had sex and you won’t even tell me your first name!

Bond, Fields and Mathis go to Greene’s party. Fields trips Elvis the henchman down the stairs.
Bond: Elvis has left the building!
Fields: You can’t say that – no one in the audience knows he’s called Elvis!

Mathis is found dead in the boot of a car.
Bond: So it was a codename! You’re a bit rubbish aren’t you!
Mathis: Vesper was a codename too. We called her that because she was the office bike!
Bond garrots Mathis with his flashy product placement watch. Then throws him in a skip.
Camille: That’s disgusting, I never thought I’d see that in a Bond film!
Bond: What, my single dedication to my duty at the cost of my friends?
Camille: No, 007 tossing off an old man in a skip!

Bond and Camille fly a plane somewhere. It looks good.
Bond: We’re up in the sky all alone, despite the director’s attempts to make us think there’s someone hidden in the aeroplane with suspicious camera angles. How about a blow-job?
Camille: The last time I did that, my Beatle collided with another... Rosanna Arquette.
Bond: Look, the skies are clear, we’re miles from anyone.
A plane shoots out of the sky and riddles the cockpit with bullets.
Bond: Oh ffs! What are the chances of that.

Bond and Camille parachute into the villain’s underground lair.Camille: blah blah blah exposition, blah blah my family tortured and killed, blah blah while I watched.
Bond’s cell phone rings.Bond: Hello? It’s Quentin Tarantino of Kill Bil Vol 1! He wants his character back! Oh, and Quentin, are you free for the next film...? Oh, he’s hung up.
The two encounter a vast pool of stored water.

Bond: Greene and Quantum are storing water, not oil! That’s their plan!
Camille: True and succinct. Strange you won’t get round to telling M or Leiter that. You they’ve got all the water here?
Bond: Not quite. The writers have water on the brain.
Camille: How awful! Mr White and Mr Greene have this reservoir hidden from the local Bolivians. Why, they’re, they’re....
Bond: Reservoir Dogs.
Still, it’s a great set-piece, easily the best of the film. Why don’t we linger here a while?
His cell phone rings.Bond: Hello? Indiana Jones! Hi! What’s that? (irritably) okay, okay! (to Camille) We have to move!



Bond and Camille head back to the hotel. Receptionist: Oh, you’re back. Where’s the Frenchman? Did he check out?
Bond: Yes. Permanently.
Camille: He got the boot.
Receptionist: Here’s a note from your wife!
The note reads ‘Run’.
Bond: Honestly! She never pays the bill!

M is upstairs in the hotel suite.M: See what you’ve done! Just look at here!
Bond: She’s overdone the Oil of Ulay...
M: She’s dead you cretin! See how you treat your women!
Bond: I’ve seen Notes on a Scandal. You have a wicked way with pussy yourself!
Bond is taken away but knocks out the guys in an elevator, where he tends to M again.
Bond: I want it noted she went down in the line of duty!
M: This is no time to talk about her sex life 007!
Bond: But she and I had lots in common!
M: (incredulously) You mean she banged four guys in an elevator!
Bond: I can’t even make any Strawberry Fields not Forever jokes!
M: Because you’re so upset?
Bond: No, no one in the audience knows she’s called Strawberry!
Alec Trevelyn (gurning): Strawberries, strawberries, I bet she tasted of strawberries!

Bond meets Leiter in a bar.
Bond: You look sour.
Leiter: I have a small role, this is rubbish. Nothing’s go well.
Bond: Spoken like a typical Democrat.
Leiter: Anyway, here’s where Greene is hanging out!
Bond: Thanks Felix.
Leiter: That’s not all I’ve told you. This is a gay bar.
Six men with handlebars approach. Bond flees.
Beam: You flunked again! It’s not quite Ivy League is it...
Leiter puts on his Ray Bans, flashes a Tom Cruise smile: University of Hard Knocks, here I come!

Greene: Welcome to my overground lair. Mind you, it’s a bit unstable. Could blow up an anytime.
The general: Thanks for the beer darling. Take it to my room, where I’ll rape you. Oh, by the way, I hope you got me a Stella.
Waitress: Go f*ck a sheep!
General: I would, but the hotel mini-baa is extortionate.

The hotel blows up. Greene takes a swing at Bond and keeps missing.
Bond: You remind me of Nigel Smalls. You’re a crap axeman.
Camille stops the general getting his end away with the waitress.
Camille: No one gets laid at the end of this picture!

Later, Bond drops off Greene in the desert.
Greene: I’ve told you everything. Is that okay?
The audience: Not really, we're none the wiser and 15 bucks down.
Bond and Greene: That’s the writers’ strike for you.
Greene: Are you going to make me drink a can of oil?
Bond: Think you’re clever don’t you! You’re plan was to do with water, not oil! So I’m going to make you drown in this gallon of water! It’s your just deserts! See ya, tool!
Scott Evil appears.



Scott Evil: What, you're gonna kill him right?
Bond: No, I'm gonna drive off and just assume it all went according to plan, that he'll be picked up by Quantum and shot.
Scott: Look, there's another gun in the glove compartment, we could take turns at shooting him, it'll be fun!
Bond: You just don't get it Scott, do you?

It’s Russia. Snowing. An apartment. A laughing pair of lovers enter.
Bond: I’ve been expecting you.
Vesper’s boyfriend: Isn’t that my line?
Girl: Oh, hang on, I know you! You’re Jason Bourne! (condescendingly) I’m afraid you’ve got the wrong room, your place is across the hall...
Bond (angrily): SIT DOWN!
That amulet of yours. I have one the same. He gave it to you didn’t he?
Girl: Yeah, so what?
Bond: It cost £2.49 and comes from Argos.
Girl (to boyfriend): You bastard!
She makes to leave, then pauses at the door.
Girl: Er, you couldn’t give us 15 minutes could you? It’s just, I’ve been in a bit of a drought lately...
Bond: If I don’t get a shag at the end of this movie, he certainly can’t.

Bond exits the apartments and confers with the bodyguards. Scott Evil appears




Scott Evil: Hey, you did shoot him right?
Bond: No, I just left this treacherous criminal and the guy who killed the love of my life alone to be picked up by these guys, what?
Scott: But he could escape!
Bond: You just don't get it do you Scott? You just don't!

M: Well, it’s good to have you back.
Bond: I’ve never been away.
M: It’s too late to claim your holiday now! Leiter got promoted by the way. Obama says, the CIA can do with a boy like Felix...
Vespar’s boyfriend (fleeing across the rooftops): Byeeeeeeeeeee!
M: You fool! You should have shot him!
Bond throws the amulet in the snow in disgust. A fanboy runs across and picks it up. It later shows up on Bondtoys’ website.

The audience: But hang on! Who is Quantum? Who are the evil masterminds behind all this.

Oh very well....

The camera pans across a flat in East Ealing. There is a SMEG fridge with cans of beer, and a poster on the wall with a tennis player scratching her backside. A filing cabinet has a top drawer open, we see headings marked ‘Wilson’s Y-Fronts’ and ‘Babs’ Alsation Frolics’ and ‘Kill Haggis’...

Two men swivel around in the chairs. They are stroking a white pussy and gurning.
Purvis and Wade, the writers (for it is they): Mwah-ha-ha-ha!
Honor Blackman: Hey! Get off it!

The curtain falls...