The James Bond Joke Thread

Gadget Meister · July 2010

There must be loads of jokes centred around our favourite hero, submit your offerings here. I'll start the ball rolling with a particularly poor effort.

If james Bond took Viagra, would that make him Roger Moore?

I'll get my hat and coat

thesecretagent · July 2010

Taxi!

Barbel · July 2010

From last week's "I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue" -

Question- What's the definition of "lambshank"?

Answer- Sean Connery's sheep has drowned...

JADE66 · September 2010

Question: What would happen if you crossed 007 with Lassie?

Answer: After he shot you he'd run for help. ;%

Sir Hillary Bray · September 2010

Bond is sitting at a bar in his tux, nursing a vodka martini, when a stunning brunette sits at the empty barstool to his left and confidently orders a vodka martini of her own.

BOND: I admire your choice, Miss...?

BRUNETTE: Conda. Anna Conda. [Looks at Bond's left hand]. I admire your wristwatch, Mr...?

BOND: Bond, James Bond. Thanks, it's an Omega. A remarkable feat of engineering, if I may say so -- I designed it myself.

BRUNETTE [coldly and objectively]: Oh please, do tell.

BOND: Well Anna, in addition to telling the time, it's a geiger counter, a powerful magnet, and a saw that can slice through rope.

BRUNETTE [still unimpressed]: All you are saying may be true. Go on.

BOND: Best of all, it has a high-definition video camera that can store up to 12 hours of footage.

BRUNETTE: I don't believe you.

BOND: Fine, I'll prove it to you. Tell me about...oh, your dress. [Bond positions the watch so that the camera is focused on Anna, and proceeds to record 60 seconds of footage as Anna describes her clothing.]

BOND: OK, let's see the recording. [Bond hits the playback, which to both of their surprise shows 60 seconds of Anna naked in bed making bedroom eyes and lascivious gestures to the camera].

BRUNETTE [horrified]: You presume a great deal, Mr. Bond. What the hell was that?!?

BOND [tapping the watch, annoyed]: Oh bloody hell, damn thing's an hour fast.

Ricardo C. · September 2010

Pussy Galore's name before she lost her virginity was Pussy Tight.

scaramangasgoldengun · October 2010

I dont know any Bond Jokes or even heard of any

but i thought this may make some of you laugh,

from the AMAZING Family Guy

)

More persuasive than James Bond !!!! classic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70Bk8d6agN8

CJ007Goldeneye · October 2010

What is james bonds fav time of time of year? 'Bond' fire night!

scaramangasgoldengun · October 2010

If Odd Job Did'nt work for Goldfinger

and he worked for Blofeld

He would be called Blo Job

)

Tokyo Matt · March 2011

Well past it, but still dashingly handsome Roger Moore walked on set for a scene in his last bond movie.

A sexy dark haired female agent was sitting at the bar with a long cool drink.

The lighting was seductive, the music was sensual, the scene was perfect.

Roger looked excellent, suave, sophisticated. Golden brown tan, tall and slim impressive physique. He glided elegantly through the club.

He caught the eye of every woman there. But he was aiming for the sexy female agent. She could not help but glance at him and her eyes betrayed her interest in the elegant, handsome figure.

He took the seat next took hers and ordered his usual vodka martini.

He waited till it was served, took a sip and placed his glass back on the counter.

He was aware that the lady agent could not help but furtively check him out in the mirror behind the bar.

He turned to her, their eyes met, he asked

"Do I come here often?"

danjaq_0ff · March 2011

scaramangasgoldengun wrote:

If Odd Job Did'nt work for Goldfinger

and he worked for Blofeld

He would be called Blo Job )

)

Number24 · March 2011

Sean connery came over to my flat one day and offered to put up the IKEA shelf I had resently bought. When he was finished i put some of my things on it, the shelf collapsed and my things crashed down on the floor. Connery looked on me with mournfull eyes and said:"I am aschamed of myschelf."

Tokyo Matt · March 2011

Posted a joke myself, but I agree with Mr. danjaq_off.

The "Blo Job joke", best thus far.

Mr Number24's "myschelf joke" a close second. Close, but no cigar.

Thunderpussy · April 2011

Connery phoned me saying he would be calling around "Tenish" I told him I knew nothing about the Game.

Thunderpussy · May 2011

In FRWL,
On the train Bond and Titiana sleeping on Bunks

" I'm cold Titiana, could you reach up and get me another Blanket "
" I've a better Idea James, Why don't we pretend we're a Married couple?"
" That's a wonderful Idea Darling "
" Ok, then Get up and get your own F***ing Blanket !"

Tokyo Matt · May 2011

Not so much a Bond joke as a Blond joke.
(Did you see what I did there with the Bond/Blond thing? Wordmanship worthy of Mr. Thunderpussy himself.)

Bond and a female blond agent, 0036C, had to decipher some secret agent type message.

Blond agent whipped her small, slimline computer out of her Rolex handbag. She typed in the
password : Mickey_Donald_Huey_Luey_Dewey_Goofey_Pluto_Washington.

"What kind of a password is that?" asked Bond.

Agent Blond replied "Q told me my password should contain at least 7 characters and a capital."

thesecretagent · May 2011

"Oh come on Moneypenny, come to bed with me..."
"No James!" She sighs, "I know you special forces types. You'll be in and out before I know anything about it..."

Alec 006 · May 2011

thesecretagent wrote:

"Oh come on Moneypenny, come to bed with me..."
"No James!" She sighs, "I know you special forces types. You'll be in and out before I know anything about it..."

Very neat TSA, especially in these times of Navy SEAL team six… -{

Flighty · January 2015

My dog has just eaten my entire James Bond Blu Ray collection!!! Luckily I managed to beat The Living Daylights out of him!! (No dog was harmed in the making of this joke)

Thunderpussy · January 2015

)

Absolutely_Cart · January 2015

Sean Connery was so fat in DAF, he had to iron his pants on the driveway.

always shaken · January 2015

Q is showing Bond ,the new gadgets in his new Aston Martin ,
"here is the button that activates the machine guns,"
press this button and it will spill oil onto the road " turn this one,and it will produce a Chinese cooking utensil,"good god exclaims Bond, are you sure, "I never joke about my wok replies Q .