"Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Silhouette Man · October 2012

To lighten the mood on AJB, I thought that a Jokes Thread would be a great idea that I don't think has ever been suggested here before.

Here are a few (ironic) jokes to start with:

My friend John was rushed into hospital after swallowing a sponge. He's going to be alright, it's just that he's always thirsty! (A German joke)

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I think that I'm a pair of curtains
Doctor: Well, that seems to me to be a mental health problem and I only deal with physical ailments

What wobbles when it flies?
A Jellycopter

A man forgets his tie on a night out to a nightclub. He takes the crocodile clip starters from his car and ties them around his neck instead. At the door to the nightclub the bouncer says to him "Alright, I'll let you in, but don't be starting anything!"

Can AJB members come up with some original jokes hopefully better than these (won't be too hard)?!

)

Napoleon Plural · October 2012

Does it bother you that we're so serious all the time Mr Silhouette Man?

Would you like us to tell you a joke?

minigeff · October 2012

whats red, turns round and round and bangs on the window?

a baby in a microwave

what's the difference between a jimm'll fix it badge and my dead cat?

nothing, they're both sitting in pride of place on my mantlepiece

Silhouette Man · October 2012

This thread was closed when I posted it over on CBn, so I had to do a nifty little bit of editing!

Silhouette Man · October 2012

minigeff wrote:

whats red, turns round and round and bangs on the window?

a baby in a microwave

what's the difference between a jimm'll fix it badge and my dead cat?

nothing, they're both sitting in pride of place on my mantlepiece

Ha! Ha! Truly sick as always, minigeff!

)

And, Mr Plural - you're not serious enough here, I'd say!

minigeff · October 2012

How does a Wookie wipe his bum?

very carefully

DaltonFan1 · November 2012

Frozen apples

They're hardcore

minigeff · November 2012

DaltonFan1 wrote:

Frozen apples

They're hardcore

Silhouette Man · November 2012

minigeff wrote:

DaltonFan1 wrote:

Frozen apples

They're hardcore

minigeff, you are a comic genius!

I can just hear the church bell chiming in the distance!

minigeff · November 2012

) comical genius

) funny fucker.

Silhouette Man · November 2012

minigeff wrote:

) comical genius ) funny fucker.

The 'expletives' censor on AJB certainly seems to be working!

confused.com

minigeff · November 2012

Silhouette Man wrote:

minigeff wrote:

) comical genius ) funny fucker.

The 'expletives' censor on AJB certainly seems to be working!

confused.com

Rhymes with 'mucker'.

)

Silhouette Man · November 2012

Yeah, I saw it in the field when I quoted your post!

Naughty, naughty!

Jarvio · November 2012

You may have heard these before, and they're probably not even that good, but what the hell, may as well up my post count:

A man flashes his private parts in front of three old women. Two of them have a stroke. The other one just can't reach.

Two rats are in the sewer. One says "I'm sick of eating **** all day". The other one replies "I agree, let's go on the piss".

Thunderpussy · November 2012

Some Old ones,

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

Guns don't kill people... but they sure make it easy.

minigeff · November 2012

Little johny lives with his mum, dad and gran.

One night, johny needs to pee, so off he goes to the craphouse. He walks in on his mum just as she gets out the bath. "Mummy, what's the furry thing between your legs?" Asks johny.

Johny's mum is a bit startled, panics a bit and replies "oh, that's erm... that just my little hedgehog". "Oh, ok" says johny, he has his piss and buggers off.

The next night johny goes to the loo once more, only this time he walks in on his gran as she's getting out the shower. Gran is a bit shocked and freezes. "Don't worry gran" johny beams "I know exactly what that is between your legs!" States johny proudly.

"It's your hedgehog isn't it?" Queries johny. Taken aback by the situation, johny's gran agrees. "Er, yes, that's right, it's my erm... hedgehog".

"I know gran, AND i think it must be dead"

"What makes you think that johny?" Asks gran.

"We'll it's guts are all hanging out."

Jarvio · November 2012

Moonraker is the most realistic bond film

Silhouette Man · November 2012

Jarvio wrote:

Moonraker is the most realistic bond film

True Story. -{

Napoleon Plural · November 2012

Isn't minigeff a charmer.

minigeff · November 2012

Napoleon Plural wrote:

Isn't minigeff a charmer.

flattery, oh baby where you been? ;%

Silhouette Man · November 2012

minigeff wrote:

Napoleon Plural wrote:

Isn't minigeff a charmer.

flattery, oh baby where you been? ;%

I think I'm going to be sick after that 'joke'.

minigeff · November 2012

Silhouette Man wrote:

minigeff wrote:

Napoleon Plural wrote:

Isn't minigeff a charmer.

flattery, oh baby where you been? ;%

I think I'm going to be sick after that 'joke'.

That's nothing, google 'blue waffle'.

scottmu65 · November 2012

Will probably divide opinion but here's my joke of the year:

'The Amazing Spider-man (2012)'

Another taken from the very funny Stewart Lee who attepted to write a joke that Joe Pasquale could never steal:

Joe Pasquale goes into a bar. He says to the Barman, 'I'd like a pint of beer please.',

The barman replies, 'Why don't you just come around to the bar, help yourself to the beer and then walk off without paying for it, after all, you, are Joe Pasquale. Or perhaps send in someone else to steal the beer for you and then deny that beer can actually be owned, say that you find the very concept of the ownership of beer hard to understand, or better yet, insist that it is your beer and the you brewed it at home, in your house, even though your home lacks the most rudementary of brewing facilities...'

Here's the vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE9Kthyaco

Made me laugh anyway...

Silhouette Man · November 2012

scottmu65 wrote:

Will probably divide opinion but here's my joke of the year:

'The Amazing Spider-man (2012)'

Another taken from the very funny Stewart Lee who attepted to write a joke that Joe Pasquale could never steal:

Joe Pasquale goes into a bar. He says to the Barman, 'I'd like a pint of beer please.',

The barman replies, 'Why don't you just come around to the bar, help yourself to the beer and then walk off without paying for it, after all, you, are Joe Pasquale. Or perhaps send in someone else to steal the beer for you and then deny that beer can actually be owned, say that you find the very concept of the ownership of beer hard to understand, or better yet, insist that it is your beer and the you brewed it at home, in your house, even though your home lacks the most rudementary of brewing facilities...'

Another Stewart Lee fan on the boards - yeah!

Here's the vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE9Kthyaco

Made me laugh anyway...

Wow! Another Stewart Lee fan on here - that makes two of us!

minigeff · November 2012

scottmu65 wrote:

Will probably divide opinion but here's my joke of the year:

'The Amazing Spider-man (2012)'

Another taken from the very funny Stewart Lee who attepted to write a joke that Joe Pasquale could never steal:

Joe Pasquale goes into a bar. He says to the Barman, 'I'd like a pint of beer please.',

The barman replies, 'Why don't you just come around to the bar, help yourself to the beer and then walk off without paying for it, after all, you, are Joe Pasquale. Or perhaps send in someone else to steal the beer for you and then deny that beer can actually be owned, say that you find the very concept of the ownership of beer hard to understand, or better yet, insist that it is your beer and the you brewed it at home, in your house, even though your home lacks the most rudementary of brewing facilities...'

Here's the vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE9Kthyaco

Made me laugh anyway...

)

The joke itself is crap, but it's meant to be.

However, watch the full clip and all makes much more funny sense. Nice one, made me chuckle too.

MG

Silhouette Man · November 2012

minigeff wrote:

scottmu65 wrote:

Will probably divide opinion but here's my joke of the year:

'The Amazing Spider-man (2012)'

Another taken from the very funny Stewart Lee who attepted to write a joke that Joe Pasquale could never steal:

Joe Pasquale goes into a bar. He says to the Barman, 'I'd like a pint of beer please.',

The barman replies, 'Why don't you just come around to the bar, help yourself to the beer and then walk off without paying for it, after all, you, are Joe Pasquale. Or perhaps send in someone else to steal the beer for you and then deny that beer can actually be owned, say that you find the very concept of the ownership of beer hard to understand, or better yet, insist that it is your beer and the you brewed it at home, in your house, even though your home lacks the most rudementary of brewing facilities...'

Here's the vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE9Kthyaco

Made me laugh anyway...

)

The joke itself is crap, but it's meant to be.

However, watch the full clip and all makes much more funny sense. Nice one, made me chuckle too.

MG

Yes, he's a comedian who only has two jokes (and sometimes none) in his stand-up routine - what's that about?

He's brilliant, but he's an acquired taste.

I imagine that Roy 'Chubby' Brown and his X-rated shows would be much more up your street, minigeff.

)

minigeff · November 2012

Silhouette Man wrote:

minigeff wrote:

scottmu65 wrote:

Will probably divide opinion but here's my joke of the year:

'The Amazing Spider-man (2012)'

Another taken from the very funny Stewart Lee who attepted to write a joke that Joe Pasquale could never steal:

Joe Pasquale goes into a bar. He says to the Barman, 'I'd like a pint of beer please.',

The barman replies, 'Why don't you just come around to the bar, help yourself to the beer and then walk off without paying for it, after all, you, are Joe Pasquale. Or perhaps send in someone else to steal the beer for you and then deny that beer can actually be owned, say that you find the very concept of the ownership of beer hard to understand, or better yet, insist that it is your beer and the you brewed it at home, in your house, even though your home lacks the most rudementary of brewing facilities...'

Here's the vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE9Kthyaco

Made me laugh anyway...

)

The joke itself is crap, but it's meant to be.

However, watch the full clip and all makes much more funny sense. Nice one, made me chuckle too.

MG

Yes, he's a comedian who only has two jokes (and sometimes none) in his stand-up routine - what's that about?

He's brilliant, but he's an acquired taste.

I imagine that Roy 'Chubby' Brown and his X-rated shows would be much more up your street, minigeff. )

Roy Chubby Brown?

I'd rather tear a bollock out my scrote and replace it with a peeled lemon than go to a RCB gig.

Silhouette Man · November 2012

minigeff wrote:

Silhouette Man wrote:

minigeff wrote:

)

The joke itself is crap, but it's meant to be.

However, watch the full clip and all makes much more funny sense. Nice one, made me chuckle too.

MG

Yes, he's a comedian who only has two jokes (and sometimes none) in his stand-up routine - what's that about?

He's brilliant, but he's an acquired taste.

I imagine that Roy 'Chubby' Brown and his X-rated shows would be much more up your street, minigeff. )

Roy Chubby Brown?

I'd rather tear a bollock out my scrote and replace it with a peeled lemon than go to a RCB gig.

So, I take it you're not a fan, then? How about the Big Yin, Billy Connolly?

minigeff · November 2012

Silhouette Man wrote:

minigeff wrote:

Silhouette Man wrote:

Yes, he's a comedian who only has two jokes (and sometimes none) in his stand-up routine - what's that about?

He's brilliant, but he's an acquired taste.

I imagine that Roy 'Chubby' Brown and his X-rated shows would be much more up your street, minigeff. )

Roy Chubby Brown?

I'd rather tear a bollock out my scrote and replace it with a peeled lemon than go to a RCB gig.

So, I take it you're not a fan, then? How about the Big Yin, Billy Connolly?

I'd rather rip the other ball out and swap it for a hand grenade

Silhouette Man · November 2012

minigeff wrote:

Silhouette Man wrote:

minigeff wrote:

Roy Chubby Brown?

I'd rather tear a bollock out my scrote and replace it with a peeled lemon than go to a RCB gig.

So, I take it you're not a fan, then? How about the Big Yin, Billy Connolly?

I'd rather rip the other ball out and swap it for a hand grenade

OK. How about Stewart Lee, then?

minigeff · November 2012

Yeah he's ok but is less clever than he thinks. A few moments of genius though.

"Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

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