Have you made your own clever JB one-liner?

GoldMoore · April 2013

Have any of you ever had a moment in your life where you had the opportunity to say a clever witty james bond-esque one-liner?

Once I was asked about an acting job

Agent:Have you ever acted before?
Me: No, but I'm a great liar...

followed by a very sly smile, she enjoyed it but due to my zero acting experience I didnt get it.

Thunderpussy · April 2013

I once worked for a large Pharmaceutical company. One day while
walking past some staggered storage, a fork lift driver said
"Watch you Back mate" to which I replied
" Why, what have you heard "

Smiert-Spionam · April 2013

I'm more suited to the Roger Moore bad grandad jokes.

My mate once walked into a lamp which was hanging from his wall. I proceeded to quip 'Watch it, he almost punched your lights out'. This was of course greeted by loud groans all round.

always shaken · April 2013

my partner and i were on duty , plain clothes ,and we identified our selves as
police officers ,to wich this elderly replied "police you dont look like the police"
to wich my partner replied its our day off ,

Blackleiter · April 2013

I gave up the one-liners a long time ago after I paid the price for getting a bit too cute with my dad. I was around 10 and I was up way past my bedtime, and my dad came into my room and thundered "Do you know what time it is?". To which I replied, "Time to buy you a watch, obviously." My ass still hurts!!!

)

Strangeways · April 2013

Omg. I do this all the time.
Too many to mention.

Problem is all my adolescent quips sound more like they've come from a Carry On film rather than a Bond movie.

Hahahahahaha.

Charmed & Dangerous · April 2013

Strangeways wrote:

Problem is all my adolescent quips sound more like they've come from a Carry On film rather than a Bind movie. .

Charlie Bind? Agent Uh-oh...ooh?

)

NeverSayDie · April 2013

When I was in New York to celebrate the end of the marathon myself and my friends all in our tuxedos went to the Marriott on time square. The Marriott has an amazing revolving resturant at the very top. Only one dedicated lift goes to the top and we couldn't find it. We had all seperated looking for this lift. I was on the 33rd floor and a lift opened next to me filled with 3 stunning American women. "Are you going down?" they asked.
With a wry smile I replied, "Later perhaps."

Ultimate Pierce Brosnan moment.

Strangeways · April 2013

That's sooooooooo funny!
I love it.

Silhouette Man · April 2013

At secondary school I once observed these boys throwing 2ps up against a wall, some of wgich ended down a drain. To this I (predictably) quipped to some onlookers, "Now, that's money down the drain."

Thunderpussy · April 2013

NeverSayDie wrote :

When I was in New York to celebrate the end of the marathon myself and my friends all in our tuxedos went to the Marriott on time square. The Marriott has an amazing revolving resturant at the very top. Only one dedicated lift goes to the top and we couldn't find it. We had all seperated looking for this lift. I was on the 33rd floor and a lift opened next to me filled with 3 stunning American women. "Are you going down?" they asked.
With a wry smile I replied, "Later perhaps."

Ultimate Pierce Brosnan moment.

Smooooooooooth Bast**d

) I do hope you also Raised an eyebrow in Honour of Sir Rog.

NeverSayDie · April 2013

Thunderpussy wrote:

NeverSayDie wrote :

When I was in New York to celebrate the end of the marathon myself and my friends all in our tuxedos went to the Marriott on time square. The Marriott has an amazing revolving resturant at the very top. Only one dedicated lift goes to the top and we couldn't find it. We had all seperated looking for this lift. I was on the 33rd floor and a lift opened next to me filled with 3 stunning American women. "Are you going down?" they asked.
With a wry smile I replied, "Later perhaps."

Ultimate Pierce Brosnan moment.

Smooooooooooth Bast**d ) I do hope you also Raised an eyebrow in Honour of Sir Rog.

If I could raise my eyebrow I would have.

My other Bond moment rather than quote was when I was in Austria ten years ago.
I was in kitzbuhel and there was a 'Bond' night at the casino. As part of the holiday you recieved 5 Euros worth of chips to play with. I managed to win 100 Euros by playing roulette and only playing black or red. With 100 euros you could tandum parachute of the top of the mountiain.
When I got up to the top of the mountain I set my minidisc player to play the ski music from TSWLM and the music synced up perfectly and as we sailed off the edge the opening bars of Nobody does it better kicked in. Amazing!

I had another Bond moment on the same holiday. I had never skied before in my life and had just one lesson on the first day where I was flirting with the very attractive German girl.
A few days later and a lot of falling over I was getting quite good and was now racing down the slope. On my minidisc player I had the OHMSS theme playing at full blast.
As I raced down the mountain I switched slopes and saw the German girl who waved and she pointed behind me and the miltitary were practicing on the same slope.
Quite an imposing sight seeing several men with rifles slung over their shoulders racing toward you. With the OHMSS theme still blaring away I gunned it and decided to try and outrun them ( and imagine they were chasing me). Suddenly a helicopter flew straight over my head and just as I thought this couldn't get any more Bond I could see a train pulling into the station ahead of me. I then decided to see if I could get to the bottom before the train left ( in my Bond imagination I would leap on the back of the train and escape the pursuing men). I managed to skid to halt just as the train was leaving and as the final bars of OHMSS finished.
Wow! I wanted to high five someone there an then but to them it must have looked some stupid tourist blocking the way of a military exercise when everyone one else got out the way but to me that was an ultimate Bond experience. :-)

jamesm123 · April 2013

Right, I'll tell you an anecdote. In 1974 I was catching the London train from Crewe station. It was very crowded; I found myself in a last-minute rush for the one remaining seat beside a tall, good-looking man with collar-length hair, it was the seventies; buckaroo! I looked up and saw it was none other than Peter Purves, it was the height of his Blue Peter career. He said, "You jammy bastard" and quick as a flash, I replied, "Don't be blue, Peter!" Needless to say, I had the last laugh.

Courtesy of Alan Partridge

jamesm123 · April 2013

Or Bond being a guard of honour for the Thatcher funeral at the crematorium could quip: That's funny, I thought she said the lady was not for burning.

Brosnan_fan · May 2013

Five years ago at work - my work station had about 6 people, myself included. For a bit of fun, 2 of my co-workers - who were rather chummy - pretended to have a couple of homosexual kisses (their lips almost touched each other, twice).

I quickly responded by saying, "Now, we know." :v

Everyone at that work station cracked up with laughter. :007)

Halcon · May 2013

i actually found an i-pad on the ground (in perfect condition) while running recently.

i said to my girlfriend "it appears that my excercising has quite literaly...paid off"

she didn't think it was funny.

)

Thunderpussy · May 2013

I've just remembered this one.
My wife and I bought the kids a couple of Happy meals which came with
a toy, ( push a trigger to pop a small ball in to a baskerball hoop ) She was
having no luck with it, never getting the ball into the hoop basket. I asked to
have a go, and just like Bond. My eyes never left hers as I said " I'm sure
it's very hard to do " as I poped the trigger and ( without looking ) I knew it had
landed in the basket, so I quickly added " Oh, No it's Not "

) She didn't even
smile and called me an Arrogant Bast**d.

superado · May 2013

"You think that's funny? Well, no it's not."

"If I shoot you, you will die."

"Why bother with cocktails? We'll end up doing it anyway."

LastRatStanding · May 2013

My dad calls me 'young man' if he's annoyed at me. I always reply with 'old man' a la FRWL

Napoleon Plural · May 2013

Jokes we have told... 8-)

Stawaz · June 2013

I always steal the lines from different Bond movies. Once, earlier this year, me and some friends were lined up to get a mandatory shot for some flu thing. A girl came out crying, and ran down the hall. I looked at them and said "Well, I guess she got the point of it." Another time, when my teacher was trying to plug in her laptop cord, the cord shot out of the socket, and I said "Shocking. Positively shocking".

Bodie · June 2013

I'm afraid I have a bit of a weakness for one liners.

Once I went home during the day for some afternoon delight with my fiancee telling my secretary that I had some paperwork to do and wanted peace and quite to work. She called me just after the main event had ended and at the end of the conversation asked me how I was getting on with the paperwork. I replied 'I think I'm getting on top of things'. Very Roger Moore I thought.

My now wife and I went to a chineese restaurant. At the door the greeter asked 'do you have reservations'. I looked around the room and replied 'I'm not sure about the wallpaper'. I'm sure they spat in my chow mein.

Have you made your own clever JB one-liner?

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