Thunderbird 2East of Cardiff, Wales.Posts: 2,817MI6 Agent
(TB2 is looking over a pile of books, working them into the extended bookshelves.
Its almost as though someone has raided M's office and Q's workshop
for all their literature. Holly is looking at some of the spines, reading the labels.
Freddie has cautiously come out from under the sideboard, but dust on some of the books makes him periodically
sneeze.)
Book corner he says.... set up a new book case... sort out each volume,... alphabetical order.
Won;t take a couple of minutes!.... (Freddie Sneezes) Bless!!
I mean its not as if I don't have enough to do around here already! I... Holly what is that?
(Holly has been nosing through a book very carefully. She closes the cover with one paw, and looks at TB2 enquiringly.
We can see now the tile is "Electronics and Gadgets for Cats.")
Oh alright, but don't go getting any ambitious ideas, redoing the fuse box or the like! (Freddie Sneezes again) Bless!!
This is Thunderbird 2, how can I be of assistance?
James: May, the door.
May: Yes, what about it?
Felix: Well, open it and let our guest enter.
May: Obviously, get the little old woman do it, while you two sit on your fat ars ... (May left grumbling to herself, soon to return with a beautiful woman .)
May: (Heavy breathing.) Here, is..... Here is.... Lordy, I'm out of shape- should start that new Pilates thing.
James: What's the old hag saying now?
May: Her name is a Miss Moneypenny and she's here to see you, she's in a bit of trouble- so if it was one of you two you should do the right thing and marry her!
Felix: Please Mrs May, we can deal with this. (I ushered May from the room. The lady sat across from Bond and began to speak.)
Moneypenny: My name is Eve, Eve Moneypenny. I've come to beseech you to help, I need the help of the second greatest detective in all England.
James: I do love a good beseeching ... do you smoke? (He offered a cigarette case.)
Moneypenny: I've never looked! I've come for your assistance in regard of Sir Miles.
Felix: You knew Sir Miles?
James: Did you not notice the slight enlargement of her pupils, on seeing his picture in the paper, and how she now sits with her legs pointing towards that same picture, all tell tale signs of familiarity?
Felix: Amazing, Bond, amazing!
James: Given your age, young lady, I doubt you'd be a wife, so an employee of some sort. A secretary or governess perhaps.
Moneypenny: Very good Mr Bond, close but no cigar. Sir Miles although much older was my lover. Such stamina for an older man, so flexible and inventive. I remember....
James: Yes, yes, all good stuff but we need information.
Moneypenny: I did begin as his secretary, It was a huge step up for me as both my parents and grandparents were shoe makers, even my brother went into shoe making.
James: That’s a lot of cobblers.
Felix: Really James!!!
Moneypenny: Soon we became lovers and I began to help him with his reports.
James: Why did he try and contact me?
Moneypenny: We've been looking in to the affairs of a certain member of a gambling club that I'm a member of. A Mister Hugo Drax.
Felix: Old Hugger, He couldn't be up to no good, he's a huge philanthropist.
James: Please Felix, his sex life is his own business.
Felix: But Old Hugger has personally funded the national Tiddlywinks team, the Shetland Islands Mime Academy and the Donald J Trump tax school!
Moneypenny: All is true, but Hugo Drax cheats at Top Trumps!!! (Dear reader, you must understand that cheating is the last bastion of society which cannot be breached. The shame would be too great, and even though Bond often called Drax a complete bastion, he knew he had to help.)
Moneypenny: But that's not all. Sir Miles uncovered a secret, something terrible, something that got him killed.
James: How did he die?
Moneypenny: Blow to the back of his head, great force was used.
James: So it was important enough to kill for.
Moneypenny: All I know is that it involves Drax and Lord Bill Tanner.
Felix: Good Lord, not Lord Tanner, the designer and builder of the super gun to defend this nation for years to come!
Moneypenny: The very same! Drax is making the holster for it out of several of his pedigree herds.
Felix: Herds?
James: Herd of cows?
Felix: Of course I've heard of cows.
Moneypenny: Please could you help, come to the club tonight and watch the game. Perhaps you could give Drax a little scare, I could get you in as my guests.
James: Very well. We'll join you for dinner and then peruse the gaming tables. (Then she was gone, and both Bond and I set about preparing for the nights frivolities.)
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
If Bond had any misgivings over tonight's events he hid them well. His Steel blue eyes looked straight ahead,
his Jaw strong and steady, his cruel mouth had a sardonic twist to it, those full manly lips so oft extenuated
by the tip of that exquisite tongue moistening them ....... But I digress dear reader.
We alighted our carriage and entered the grand façade of the newly opened gaming and gambling club
The Roller Blades, apparently putting small wheels on ones feet and fighting over a metal ball would soon be
all the rage in London.
Moneypenny was waiting at the door to guide us in .......
MP : Welcome gentlemen ( she was puffing on a large pipe ) forgive the outfit, but women aren't allowed
In the club.
Bond : No the mutton chops and handlebar moustache are very attractive.
MP : why thank you James, please follow me up we shall dine first.
Felix : I just hope it's a better standard to Mrs May's current offerings
( Sadly my hopes were short lived when the food arrived at the table )
MP : Fusion is all the fashion now, so please enjoy
Felix : What exactly are we having
MP : Jellied eels and rhubarb custard ! our speciality
Felix : I doubt my digestive system can take much more of this
Bond : Alimentary Dr Leiter
Felix : Don't you teach cooking in schools here ?
Bond : Elementary Dr Leiter
MP : Look soon we'll go round the gaming rooms, To see what Drax is up to, I only
hope you can spot what he's up to.
Bond : Have no fear
MP: Forgive me I must power my nose, sorry ( In a Deeper Voice ) Sorry Lads gotta take
a slash ! .. ( with a wink she was gone )
Felix : James is it weird that I seem to be developing some feelings of affection for Moneypenny
Bond : She is a handsome woman, In fact she's pretty good looking as a bloke
Felix : I don't want her to think of me as old fashioned, how do the young people show their affections
in these modern times
Bond : Recently one of the Bow Legged runners told me that if a young man gets certain feelings for a
maiden, he uses the new technology of the good William Henry Fox Talbot, the Camera to take
a likeness of his ... er ..... Love sausage and then send it as a love token.
Felix : Are you sure ?
Bond : Oh Yes ! ....... never fails apparently.
Later Moneypenny took us on a tour of the gaming rooms, there were tables for Snap, scrabble
Go fish and Happy Families, with rooms full of men smoking and laughing, enjoying themselves
without any females to spoil the fun, ....... talking about kittens and soft furnishings, going on
about feelings and emotions !!! ....... but again I digress, soon we entered a cloistered room
where the chortles of Drax could be heard ............
Man : Oh well played Hugger , another brilliant play
Drax : As Oscar Wilde would have put it LOSER !! ( He stood with his hand making an L on his forehead )
Mp : another victory Hugo
Drax : what's wrong with your voice Moneypenny ?
MP : ( coughs , in a deeper voice ) Sorry, I've been drinking so much my voice changed
Drax : Shouldn't make a habit of it, a man with a high voice is like a Singer in dark glasses
singing falsetto, ................... Very annoying !! ( More Laughing )
Drax : Thank you, friends. Now Moneypenny who's the new Blood you've brought along Don't think
I've seen them before.
MP : ( scratches her crotch and spits in the fire ) This is the famous Detective James Bond and his
........ Partner, ....... eh ? ...... Companion ...
Felix : We are just friends ....... who work together.
Drax : Welcome Gentlemen do you fancy your chances ?
Bond : I've had some success with the ladies
Drax : I meant on the gaming table, are you a player Bond ?
Bond : What's your game ?
Drax : The king of all card games, Top Trumps, my speciality Race horses of the eighteenth century
Care to take me on, I've beaten everyone in the club, or does that scare you ?
Bond : Not at all, I once watched a slide show on Gonorrhea,
Drax : so ?
Bond : whilst eating strawberry shortcake.
Drax : please take a seat, I'll deal
( Just then several men were pushed out of the way by a strange woman in a red dress One falling out
a window ... )
Lady : Well fiddle dee dee Hugger, what ya all doing honey I'm all alone !!!
Drax : Forgive me Darling, Please Mr Bond this is my fiancée Miss Stormy Ladygarden
Bond : That name sounds familiar
Stormy : I'm from a long line of Ladygardens, I'm from the colonies, from the south, when I first
came over I knew nothing of the social scene in London, but Hugger soon Licked me in to
shape.
Felix : I thought Ladies weren't allowed in the club ?
( Stormy, lighting a cigarette in a long holder, blows some smoke in to Felix's face )
Stormy : Why who ever said I was a Lady ( she gives a wink )
Drax : Please Stormy why don't you let Mr Moneypenny get you a drink, while I cheat, sorry
play Mr Bond for some Money
MP : ( in a high voice ) Oh I'd love that we can talk about shoes and that wonderful dress
( Remembering she coughs and in a lower voice ) Rather, come with me and I'll
explain the off side rule to you.
They take their leave , and silence descended on the dimly lit room. Drax opened a new Deck
of top trump cards and began shuffling in various ways.
Drax : Now we have some peace and quiet, lets begin Mr Bond .
I sat back in my chair with a few other observers, you could feel the tension in the room rise it was as if
Battle had been declared .
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Dear reader we left my tale as Bond and Drax sat opposite each other, a palpable sense of tension soon
filled the room, a challenge had been accepted and there was almost a scent of sulphur in the air ........
Drax began dealing and soon the cards were flying back and forth across the green baize, after yet
another winning hand Drax paused ....
Drax : It seems I'm too good for you. Why don't we take a break for some refreshment ?
Bond : a capital idea.
( Both men crossed to the groups of observers in the room ... )
Felix : Good lord James, you're Down at least fourteen shillings, How is he doing it ?
Bond : Not to worry Felix, I have planned ahead, Earlier today, I got Mrs May to abseil across
to the building where Drax stays in London. Shinny up the drain pipe to the sixteenth floor. Then
Break in and search his apartment to find what deck of cards he always uses.
Felix : How did you get her to agree ?
Bond : I found some etchings from a What the butler saw machine staring a young Miss May. As
soon as I deciphered what she was saying, I purchased a duplicate set. Have you not noticed
his little move ?
Felix : I've noticed nothing.
Bond : Whenever he gets a good flow of jokes going to entertain the crowd, He stands up with a
pair of opera glasses and looks at the mirror behind me, then writes something in a little
note book he keeps in his hip pocket.
Felix : That's amazing Bond, I noticed nothing.
Bond : Well, It takes a trained eye to notice little things like that...... now time for another strawberry
Daiquiri with two straws.
On returning to the table, while Drax was making some jokes. Bond turned waving to me holding up the cards
and pointing , soon after the game took a turn. As Moneypenny and Stormy returned to watch
Bond : seems I've improved somewhat
Drax : No this can't be right , I dealt you a Yarborough not a Perfect .....
MO : ( in a deep voice ) Steady now Hugger, it was a fair game
Drax : No, No, NO !!! I ... I've ......... I've been ...... You're a damned Chea ....
MP ; Stop There Hugger, no accusations, Mr Bond played fairly pay him his winnings.
Drax : Very well
Stormy : Easy there Bubba
Drax : The evidence is mounting ....
Stormy : Hugger, if there's any mounting to be done, I'll be doing it
Drax : Here Bond, ten shillings and six pence ,........( A side ) Spend the money quickly
Mr Bond.
Bond : I intend to Hugger, ..... Me and Felix are getting a curry and Chips later.
Drax and Stormy left with Drax in to bumping a man in green trainers sending him flying.
MP : Well played Bond, that should show him to mend his ways. Could spoil his party though.
Felix : Party ?
MP : Every year he holds a Gala Ball for charity, this year it's in aid of The Nigel Farage
immigration centre.
Bond : I think we'll have to gate crash the event and I have an idea just how, but that's for
tomorrow.
We moved to the front of the club as a private carriage was waiting for Drax and Stormy
Stormy : ( in a deep voice ) Till we meet again Mr Bond ( almost crushing his hand )
Then ( In a higher voice ) Oh kittens, and bows and flowers, general girly things
bye Y'all
Drax : I'm holding a little Swaray at my country estate, Mr Bond, please do me the
Courtesy ................. of staying away from it , Goodbye
Watching them leave Bond hailed a cab as I bought an evening paper
Cabbie : Well bless me if it ain't Mr Bond !
Bond : John, John Merrick as I live and breath, are you a cabbie now ?
Cabbie : Oh yes, the arse has falling out of the freak business, all the carnivals are closing
I blame all those social do good-ers killed it off.
Bond : I sorry to hear that
Cabbie : Happily with driving the cab I can vent all my ideas on politics , modern British life
and of course my views on immigration !
Bond : so like all cabbies then.
Cabbie : You going back to 007B Shamelady street ?
Bond : first stopping at Mr Patel's Perfect Punjab curry house and spa
Felix : Good lord Bond look at this ( Holding the paper ) this news story .
Bond : UM ? Old lady seen climbing London landmark
Felix : No this look here Murder of Lord Bill Tanner, there's a sketch and everything
Bond : Look at the marks round his neck, He was strangled with a chord !
In the cab home in between John Merrick's rants about immigrants and politics we both sat wondering
what strange fate had brought us to these events, two murders connected to a card cheat..... and just
what was Mr Patel putting in his curry these days.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
The following morning after our ablutions dear reader, we prepared our plans, through a friend of Mrs May
we had our disguises, please be prepared as I don't wish to shock the sensibilities of any reader but both
Bond and I were in female attire as we were to enter the country estate of Drax " Dalton's Tenure " by posing
as Mrs Tumilty's all female terpsichorean troubadours, and we had engaged John Merrick as our carriage driver.
so after a quick breakfast of porridge and haddock sushi...... with another trip to the water closet we set off .
Merrick : We're just passed the gatehouse and the big house is coming in to view which way ?
Felix : you take it up the tradesman's entrance
Merrick : Oh, Cheeky !!! I'm in a relationship with Lucifer and Carlos the Dutch Siamese twins
Bond : Congratulations, how's that going for you ?
Merrick : Sometimes I feel like I'm disappointing two people at the same time. Heads up we're
Here.
We alighted the carriage each carrying our instruments Bond had his violin, I had my Kazoo and
Mrs May carried her Baby Grand Piano on her back.
Felix : James could I ask a question ?
Bond : Go ahead old friend.
Felix : The whole dressing up as females of the opposite, er Sex, if that's not too strong a word
Bond : Yes ?
Felix : Well, I just pulled one of Mrs May's old dresses over my own undergarments.
Bond : Yes ?
Felix : Well, you put on frilly, lacey underwear. Stockings and suspenders , nail varnish, make up
and lipstick.
Bond : What's strange about that, a good disguise starts with the littlest of details
Felix : But you already had them in your wardrobe !!
Bond : Drop it Felix, we're working.
May : I'll be dropping this Piano if you two floosy old windbags stop blathering on, Get a move on !
We entered the Drax domicile and went straight to the grand ball room.
May : This looks amazing, Imaging the Balls Drax has held in here !
Bond : Look there's the stage and the Main Band, sadly we are only a supporting act.
Felix : Who are the band by the way.
Bond : a Scottish troupe of Minstrels ( reading from a publicity docket ) called The Slunnered who'll
Be performing a new song for the occasion " Good morning, Dalton's Tenure "
Felix : I'll get your Earmuffs
May : The bass player looks a bit of all right !
Bond : Please Mrs May, just put the piano down, we don't want another restraining order against you
like the trouble we had with you stalking William Gladstone
Felix, : Lets get a quick rehearsal in and then ..
Bond : Then we can investigate our surroundings , find Drax's office seek out his friends for information
Felix : Probe his inner circle
Bond : Hadn't planed on going that far Felix.
For the next half hour we gave our rendition of several classic songs, "Smack your Pitch up"
( a song about the trials of putting tar on a flat roof ) ........... " 99 Problems but my Pitch ain't one "
( a song about a bad camping trip in Yorkshire ) ......... and " W.A.P " a song about .... well best
leave that to your imagination, But Mrs May did an amazing dance routine to it. As the main Band
practiced, to an audience of Mrs May, who got quite carried away and at one point threw her Bloomers
on the stage. As myself and Bond looked round the grand house. All too soon the evening fell and the
many guests arrived and we were told by a footman that we were to begin playing. We took to the stage.
Bond : Dalton's Tenure we salute you, are you ready to waltz and Foxtrot , lets get it on !!
DJ, Spin that Sh1t !
Sadly to my embarrassment, in my rush back from the water closet, I had accidently tucked my
dress in to my undergarments, much to the amusement of Mrs May, but soon we were half way
through our set.
Bond : Time we made a move Felix
Felix : Yes, I was thinking of "Maidens just want to have fun", that's always a floor filler
Bond : I was thinking of searching Drax's office. May we may need a little time can you do
a solo
May : Aye I'll play a Rick Wakeman piece, that should give you a couple of hours.
Bond : Don't know what you said, But I'm going with "OK"
As Mrs May began to play pushing the stool away and even hitching up her skirt to use her foot on the keyboard
and almost screaming something about " Great balls of fire " we made our exit. In the hallway a guard stood
blocking the stairwell.
Bond : I shall walk over and distract and dispatch him
Felix : Why you
Bond : Honestly, Felix Look at this ( He gestures to his body ) as a lady
I'M FREAKING HOT !!!!!
Felix : Ok, so I'm the Just the Hot girls friend then ? It's my Boarding school days all
over again !
Bond with a sassy walk approached the guard ( lascivious saxophone music began to play ) quickly
Bond dispatches the guard.
Bond : Thanks for the saxophone Music Felix
Felix : Anytime James,
Bond : Now let's Crack on shall we.
Quickly we ascended the stairs to see first hand the lair of one Hugo Drax
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
In the upper hallway, Bond stopped......
Felix : Have you heard something ?
Bond : No, just need to re-apply
..... He than took out a lipstick and a powder compact
Bond : Now, lets crack on, shall we?
We moved further in and came across an ornate door marker " Room of uninteresting stuff " and a mat
emblazoned with the motto " Stay out, ........ No Girls "
Bond : I think this is it, I'll just pick the lock.
Soon we were inside and I stood watch by the door as Bond moved to search the room. Soon Bond
discovered a safe
Bond : Damn, it looks to be voice activated !
(There was a parrot in in a cage beside it )
Bond : Luckily Drax is old fashioned, the code's written on a note stuck to the cage. 2543, we're in !
(Bond produced several papers and perused then across Drax's desk )
Bond : Seems he's been buying huge herds of cattle, I mean the biggleist amount
Felix : Well he is making the holster for Britain's super gun, James ?
Bond : But oddly there's no records of large sales to abattoirs, or transportation of hides. It's almost
as if he's stockpiling his stock .
Voice : Why, Mr Bond I've caught you in another man's drawers !
(Stormy Ladygarden had appeared by a bookshelf ... and walked across to the desk )
Stormy : Your credentials are showing
Bond : This Ann Summers underwear leaves little to the imagination
Stormy : No, even under that make-up, that cruel mouth and sparkling blue eyes still show. So your
Interested in Hugger's plans.
Bond : The thought had occurred to me.
Stormy : He's a beast, he treats me so badly.
( Bond moved to caress her arm and noticed a tattoo " SPECTRE FOREVER " )
Stormy : He, only gives me a thousand pounds a week to get by on, always leaves the toilet seat up.
and deliberately watches the football when I'm trying to hoover the living room
Bond : He sounds like a tyrant
Stormy : Hold me James , I've been looking for a real man and seeing you in lipstick, make-up,
silky lacey underwear and a Laura Ashley dress, makes me think you might just be that man !
(They kissed, I looked away, as I'm a gentleman and anyway I had a subscription to the etching service
PornHub )
Bond : And may I say, you have the daintiest five o'clock shadow and Adams apple.
Stormy : Take me with you James, I need to escape.
Bond : If you like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain
Stormy : If you're not into yoga, If you have half a brain
Bond : If you like making love at midnight In the dunes on the cape
Stormy : Then I'm the love that you've looked for, I'll come with you and escape"
Bond : I got what I wanted so, time to leave
Stormy : Typical bloody man , you get what you want and then It's off you go
Bond : No I want you to come with me.
Stormy : Oh sorry, Just let me take my few precious items,
Bond : Balls, Cue ?
Stormy : Bolas Bond and my pool stick
Felix : Quickly, I can hear footsteps, Time to leave.
Quickly we hurried down the stairs and sneaked back in to the Grand Ballroom, May was just finishing her song
by sliding across the stage, in the background her piano was on fire and most of The Skunnered were cowering
in fear at the back of the stage with all the dancers staring at her, mouths open
Mrs May : I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet ! ..... but your great grand kids are gonna love it !
With that dear reader we hurried to our carriage and John Merrick cracked his whip causing the horses to
leave with alacrity and pace, Unfortunately we weren't actually in the carriage at the time, So I commandeered
another and we hurried away in to the night.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Quickly we hurried down the stairs and sneaked back in to the Grand Ballroom, May was just finishing her song by sliding across the stage, in the background her piano was on fire and most of The Skunnered were cowering in fear at the back of the stage with all the dancers staring at her, mouths open
Mrs May : I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet ! ..... but your great grand kids are gonna love it !
) ) ) Great Scott! These adventures are getting funnier and funnier !
Dear reader, with Mrs May at the reigns we made great progress apparently her maiden name was
Toretto! I sat with Bond and Stormy in the back going over what we'd learned and formulating a
plan ..... As we removed our female garments, and back into our more conservative male clothing,
although I did notice Bond kept his Ann Summers underwear on......
Stormy : So James, what' cha thinking snooky babes ? (Punching him in the stomach )
Bond : Oof ! That was a little hard Stormy.
Stormy : Sorry Darling, in the south that's just a sign of affection, like a Chinese burn or
a wet willy.
Bond : Sorry for not recognising your culture.
Stormy : Why thank-you Honey (Punching him on the chin )
Felix : James what are you planning?
Bond : I remember the map in Drax's office, there's a few things I'd like to investigate.
Stormy : Such as?
(Bond quickly draws a rough map on a piece of paper )
Bond : I think we need to check out " The old Connery Mine "
Stormy : Why there, why not (She points at the paper ) The Brosnan Beacons , the
Roger Moors, Lazenby Falls or Craig's Crevice ?
Bond : Because from what I heard at the gala ball, the mine is the only one which has
a story of a mysterious beast, obviously to keep people away.
Felix : What beast ?
Bond : The Puppy of the Draxvilles apparently a small hairy monster which humps peoples legs
until they fall off.
May : Yon farm house you told me aboot, we're there Number 24
Bond : What did she say ?
Felix : We're at the farmhouse you requested.
Bond : Good, we'll get some local knowledge from the farmer.
(We alighted and Bond knocked several times before the door was opened by a bearded old man smoking
a pipe.)
Farmer : Who's there? what do you want?
Bond : I'm James Bond the famous detective ........
Farmer : Aye, the second best detective in all of England.
Felix : May we enter and talk to you?
(The Farmer bid us enter and offered us to be seated, he gave us all a long look )
Farmer : You look like you could use a stiff one.
Stormy : Maybe later right now I just like a drink.
(He poured some whisky from a large jug )
Bond : We're interested in the local story of the Puppy of the Draxvilles
Farmer : Oh that, locals think it's the ghost of a sheepdog who lost his appeal from
the sheepdog trials and was hung until death, or longer. There be some strange
sounds, cows mooing that sort of thing yet no one can see any cattle
Mrs May : Why would a sheepdog be herding cattle ?
Farmer : Who knows the ways of the supernatural. Have you ever seen a praying mantis
eat its lover after mating?
May : No.
Farmer : Do you want to, I keep insects as a hobby out the back, ..... God it's lonely out here.
(Bond decided to check out the mine, taking Stormy with him, asking myself and May to remain
at the farm house, only secretly borrowing an item from Mrs May They left with a lantern and
began across the Roger Moors...... )
Stormy : James , this is crazy, can you see where we're going?
Bond : We're nearly there, just need to avoid Craig's crevice. Look, just ahead up in the hills
down there, the old Connery Mine. Come on ......
(They soon arrived at the entrance of the mine workings )
Stormy : What's that noise ?
Bond : Sounds like cattle, but there's none around.
(Just then a small shaggy creature jumped down on to Bond and they struggle across the Mine
area )
Stormy : Ah!!! It's Horrible, a monster!!!
Creature : Hey lady you're no oil painting either. (Then carries on attacking Bond )
Bond : A French accent...... he truly is a monster!! (Bond dispatches the varlet )
Stormy : Bravo James. (Bond removes the mask and hairy jacket from the man )
Stormy :"Jinkies!" It was the old caretaker all the time.
Bond : Pardon?
Stormy : He was the caretaker at Drax's country estate.
Hervé : And I'd have gotten away with it too if you pesky .....
Bond : No time for clichés, Drax had you dress like this to keep people away, right?
Herve : Yes.
(Bond finds a large tool box and locks Herve inside with him calling out insults in French.)
Bond : Shout all you want, there are no subtitles.
Bond and Stormy enter the mine.......
Bond : Look, the ground is very compacted ... and you can hear that noise again.
Stormy : Let's leave James, I don't like this.
Bond : You wouldn't want me to make this tedious journey alone, let's crack on.
Soon they came to a large cavern, surprisingly filled with cattle in all directions. They stood on a ledge above.
Stormy : Wow!!
Bond : Now that's a lot of Bull.
Suddenly Bond is pushed to the floor and Stormy is standing back now exposing her Balls..... or
Bolas !
Stormy : (Now with a deeper voice ) Poor James so trusting, so willing to believe .....
Bond : Really, Professor Blofeld!!!
Stormy : You knew?
Bond : It was little things, the tattoo on your arm......
Stormy : It's a tattoo I'm proud to wear.
Bond : Your stubble and Adams apple .....
Stormy : Damn my manly genes!
Bond : Also in the carriage leaving Drax, you forgot to " Tuck "
Stormy : This damn lacy underwear, it so uncomfortable.
Bond : Oh I don't know. Also the murders, a blow to the head and the strangulation,.....
(He points at the Bolas weapon she's holding )
Bond : All accomplished by that South American weapon.
Stormy : (Nodding ) Absolutely James Bond , well done but now it's time to die.
(Professor Blofeld removes his wig and begins swinging the bolas above her head.)
Bond : It's no time to die (and throws the small "Sgian-dubh" he'd borrowed from Mrs May )
(With a short scream Professor Blofeld /Stormy falls from the ledge to the cattle below.....
Bond : I'm so lucky Mrs May comes from a really rough part of Glasgow, although I know
she'll want that knife back, it was her Mothers I think.
Bond leaves to return to the old Farmhouse passing a still imprisoned shouting French henchman......
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Dear reader, Bond made his way across the Roger Moors back to the farmhouse, exhausted and
cold he knocked on the door ......
Farmer : Come in , Mr Bond, you must be cold, come in and warm yourself.
(Bond moved to the small fire before turning to face the room, only to see Drax and a couple of his
men, pointing their guns at myself and Mrs May )
Drax : I assume Stormy won't be joining us ?
Bond : No, Have you heard the expression " Under your feet ", well she's now Under your Hooves.
Drax : she was a very beautiful man, and a father figure to me.
( Reaching an arm upward he screams aloud )
Drax : Ernst, you will be avenged !!
Bond : Well you seem to be taking it well. How are you two doing?
Felix : Fine James, turns out our farmer friend, is really Drax's friend.
(Drax moves to the head of the table, dropping his overcoat onto the back of the chair and sits down
beginning to talk as he removes his gloves )
Drax : I'm sure you must be wondering just what my plan is?
Bond : No, I'm not bothered.
Felix : Of no interest to me.
May : I wish you'd just shut your cake hole.
Drax : Well I'm going to tell you why, I hope you're sitting uncomfortably ..... I have been paid
by a foreign power, to cause a little destruction, I won't mention any names as I don't want to boast,
But it rhymes with Lesident Brutin. When I release my millions of cattle through the city .... in
the world's biggest stampede, the vibrations from their hooves will cause the building to collapse
so destroying one of the great cities of the world.
May : What, you're attacking Edinburgh!!!
Felix : I think he means London.
May : Oh....... Right ......... Carry on.
Drax : But now you have distracted me enough. Tie them up, we'll take them with us.
(As Drax finished Bond made his move added by Felix and May, all hell broke loose, with fists flying
everywhere. I was amazed to see some of the martial arts moves that Mrs May was using, as the fight
began to turn in our favour, Bond noticed Drax making a sly escape. As we subdued the henchmen Bond
took off in pursuit of Drax, running across The Moors towards the Lazenby falls....)
Felix : Mrs May, stop hitting him, he's unconscious.
May : He drew First Blood!
Felix : I'll help you tie them up, them I'll go help Bond.
Dear reader, I gave chase after Bond and Drax following them to the nearby falls...
(On the wet, rocky outcrop beside the waterfall .... )
Bond : You've nowhere to run Drax, it's over.
Drax : No, I'm rich, I never get punished, even nanny wasn't allowed to smack my bottom.
Bond : Well I can lick you in a fight and kick your bottom.
Drax : Lick or kick, my bottom will never be in your hands.
Bond : To the end I grapple with thee.
From below, I could only watch as they fought on the ledge above me, neither gaining the upper hand.
Grappling to and fro, until the unthinkable happened and both figures fell into the thundering falls .....
We searched for days but no bodies were found, we had to accept that they'd been washed through
Craig's crevice .
We held a memorial service for Bond with myself and Mrs May with Moneypenny in attendance although surprisingly a hoard of jealous husbands, outraged chefs and humiliated tailors turned up, Mrs May served
everyone steak!
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
It would really need a couple of re-writes to add more jokes, But I'm
just happy to have completed it, Thank you for all the comments
you're all far too kind. -{
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Comments
Its almost as though someone has raided M's office and Q's workshop
for all their literature. Holly is looking at some of the spines, reading the labels.
Freddie has cautiously come out from under the sideboard, but dust on some of the books makes him periodically
sneeze.)
Book corner he says.... set up a new book case... sort out each volume,... alphabetical order.
Won;t take a couple of minutes!.... (Freddie Sneezes) Bless!!
I mean its not as if I don't have enough to do around here already! I... Holly what is that?
(Holly has been nosing through a book very carefully. She closes the cover with one paw, and looks at TB2 enquiringly.
We can see now the tile is "Electronics and Gadgets for Cats.")
Oh alright, but don't go getting any ambitious ideas, redoing the fuse box or the like! (Freddie Sneezes again) Bless!!
-This is starting to look like a gentleman's club - minus the gentlemen
James: May, the door.
May: Yes, what about it?
Felix: Well, open it and let our guest enter.
May: Obviously, get the little old woman do it, while you two sit on your fat ars ...
(May left grumbling to herself, soon to return with a beautiful woman .)
May: (Heavy breathing.) Here, is..... Here is.... Lordy, I'm out of shape- should start that new Pilates thing.
James: What's the old hag saying now?
May: Her name is a Miss Moneypenny and she's here to see you, she's in a bit of trouble- so if it was one of you two you should do the right thing and marry her!
Felix: Please Mrs May, we can deal with this.
(I ushered May from the room. The lady sat across from Bond and began to speak.)
Moneypenny: My name is Eve, Eve Moneypenny. I've come to beseech you to help, I need the help of the second greatest detective in all England.
James: I do love a good beseeching ... do you smoke? (He offered a cigarette case.)
Moneypenny: I've never looked! I've come for your assistance in regard of Sir Miles.
Felix: You knew Sir Miles?
James: Did you not notice the slight enlargement of her pupils, on seeing his picture in the paper, and how she now sits with her legs pointing towards that same picture, all tell tale signs of familiarity?
Felix: Amazing, Bond, amazing!
James: Given your age, young lady, I doubt you'd be a wife, so an employee of some sort. A secretary or governess perhaps.
Moneypenny: Very good Mr Bond, close but no cigar. Sir Miles although much older was my lover. Such stamina for an older man, so flexible and inventive. I remember....
James: Yes, yes, all good stuff but we need information.
Moneypenny: I did begin as his secretary, It was a huge step up for me as both my parents and grandparents were shoe makers, even my brother went into shoe making.
James: That’s a lot of cobblers.
Felix: Really James!!!
Moneypenny: Soon we became lovers and I began to help him with his reports.
James: Why did he try and contact me?
Moneypenny: We've been looking in to the affairs of a certain member of a gambling club that I'm a member of. A Mister Hugo Drax.
Felix: Old Hugger, He couldn't be up to no good, he's a huge philanthropist.
James: Please Felix, his sex life is his own business.
Felix: But Old Hugger has personally funded the national Tiddlywinks team, the Shetland Islands Mime Academy and the Donald J Trump tax school!
Moneypenny: All is true, but Hugo Drax cheats at Top Trumps!!!
(Dear reader, you must understand that cheating is the last bastion of society which cannot be breached. The shame would be too great, and even though Bond often called Drax a complete bastion, he knew he had to help.)
Moneypenny: But that's not all. Sir Miles uncovered a secret, something terrible, something that got him killed.
James: How did he die?
Moneypenny: Blow to the back of his head, great force was used.
James: So it was important enough to kill for.
Moneypenny: All I know is that it involves Drax and Lord Bill Tanner.
Felix: Good Lord, not Lord Tanner, the designer and builder of the super gun to defend this nation for years to come!
Moneypenny: The very same! Drax is making the holster for it out of several of his pedigree herds.
Felix: Herds?
James: Herd of cows?
Felix: Of course I've heard of cows.
Moneypenny: Please could you help, come to the club tonight and watch the game. Perhaps you could give Drax a little scare, I could get you in as my guests.
James: Very well. We'll join you for dinner and then peruse the gaming tables.
(Then she was gone, and both Bond and I set about preparing for the nights frivolities.)
If Bond had any misgivings over tonight's events he hid them well. His Steel blue eyes looked straight ahead,
his Jaw strong and steady, his cruel mouth had a sardonic twist to it, those full manly lips so oft extenuated
by the tip of that exquisite tongue moistening them ....... But I digress dear reader.
We alighted our carriage and entered the grand façade of the newly opened gaming and gambling club
The Roller Blades, apparently putting small wheels on ones feet and fighting over a metal ball would soon be
all the rage in London.
Moneypenny was waiting at the door to guide us in .......
MP : Welcome gentlemen ( she was puffing on a large pipe ) forgive the outfit, but women aren't allowed
In the club.
Bond : No the mutton chops and handlebar moustache are very attractive.
MP : why thank you James, please follow me up we shall dine first.
Felix : I just hope it's a better standard to Mrs May's current offerings
( Sadly my hopes were short lived when the food arrived at the table )
MP : Fusion is all the fashion now, so please enjoy
Felix : What exactly are we having
MP : Jellied eels and rhubarb custard ! our speciality
Felix : I doubt my digestive system can take much more of this
Bond : Alimentary Dr Leiter
Felix : Don't you teach cooking in schools here ?
Bond : Elementary Dr Leiter
MP : Look soon we'll go round the gaming rooms, To see what Drax is up to, I only
hope you can spot what he's up to.
Bond : Have no fear
MP: Forgive me I must power my nose, sorry ( In a Deeper Voice ) Sorry Lads gotta take
a slash ! .. ( with a wink she was gone )
Felix : James is it weird that I seem to be developing some feelings of affection for Moneypenny
Bond : She is a handsome woman, In fact she's pretty good looking as a bloke
Felix : I don't want her to think of me as old fashioned, how do the young people show their affections
in these modern times
Bond : Recently one of the Bow Legged runners told me that if a young man gets certain feelings for a
maiden, he uses the new technology of the good William Henry Fox Talbot, the Camera to take
a likeness of his ... er ..... Love sausage and then send it as a love token.
Felix : Are you sure ?
Bond : Oh Yes ! ....... never fails apparently.
Later Moneypenny took us on a tour of the gaming rooms, there were tables for Snap, scrabble
Go fish and Happy Families, with rooms full of men smoking and laughing, enjoying themselves
without any females to spoil the fun, ....... talking about kittens and soft furnishings, going on
about feelings and emotions !!! ....... but again I digress, soon we entered a cloistered room
where the chortles of Drax could be heard ............
Man : Oh well played Hugger , another brilliant play
Drax : As Oscar Wilde would have put it LOSER !! ( He stood with his hand making an L on his forehead )
Mp : another victory Hugo
Drax : what's wrong with your voice Moneypenny ?
MP : ( coughs , in a deeper voice ) Sorry, I've been drinking so much my voice changed
Drax : Shouldn't make a habit of it, a man with a high voice is like a Singer in dark glasses
singing falsetto, ................... Very annoying !! ( More Laughing )
Drax : Thank you, friends. Now Moneypenny who's the new Blood you've brought along Don't think
I've seen them before.
MP : ( scratches her crotch and spits in the fire ) This is the famous Detective James Bond and his
........ Partner, ....... eh ? ...... Companion ...
Felix : We are just friends ....... who work together.
Drax : Welcome Gentlemen do you fancy your chances ?
Bond : I've had some success with the ladies
Drax : I meant on the gaming table, are you a player Bond ?
Bond : What's your game ?
Drax : The king of all card games, Top Trumps, my speciality Race horses of the eighteenth century
Care to take me on, I've beaten everyone in the club, or does that scare you ?
Bond : Not at all, I once watched a slide show on Gonorrhea,
Drax : so ?
Bond : whilst eating strawberry shortcake.
Drax : please take a seat, I'll deal
( Just then several men were pushed out of the way by a strange woman in a red dress One falling out
a window ... )
Lady : Well fiddle dee dee Hugger, what ya all doing honey I'm all alone !!!
Drax : Forgive me Darling, Please Mr Bond this is my fiancée Miss Stormy Ladygarden
Bond : That name sounds familiar
Stormy : I'm from a long line of Ladygardens, I'm from the colonies, from the south, when I first
came over I knew nothing of the social scene in London, but Hugger soon Licked me in to
shape.
Felix : I thought Ladies weren't allowed in the club ?
( Stormy, lighting a cigarette in a long holder, blows some smoke in to Felix's face )
Stormy : Why who ever said I was a Lady ( she gives a wink )
Drax : Please Stormy why don't you let Mr Moneypenny get you a drink, while I cheat, sorry
play Mr Bond for some Money
MP : ( in a high voice ) Oh I'd love that we can talk about shoes and that wonderful dress
( Remembering she coughs and in a lower voice ) Rather, come with me and I'll
explain the off side rule to you.
They take their leave , and silence descended on the dimly lit room. Drax opened a new Deck
of top trump cards and began shuffling in various ways.
Drax : Now we have some peace and quiet, lets begin Mr Bond .
I sat back in my chair with a few other observers, you could feel the tension in the room rise it was as if
Battle had been declared .
Dear reader we left my tale as Bond and Drax sat opposite each other, a palpable sense of tension soon
filled the room, a challenge had been accepted and there was almost a scent of sulphur in the air ........
Drax began dealing and soon the cards were flying back and forth across the green baize, after yet
another winning hand Drax paused ....
Drax : It seems I'm too good for you. Why don't we take a break for some refreshment ?
Bond : a capital idea.
( Both men crossed to the groups of observers in the room ... )
Felix : Good lord James, you're Down at least fourteen shillings, How is he doing it ?
Bond : Not to worry Felix, I have planned ahead, Earlier today, I got Mrs May to abseil across
to the building where Drax stays in London. Shinny up the drain pipe to the sixteenth floor. Then
Break in and search his apartment to find what deck of cards he always uses.
Felix : How did you get her to agree ?
Bond : I found some etchings from a What the butler saw machine staring a young Miss May. As
soon as I deciphered what she was saying, I purchased a duplicate set. Have you not noticed
his little move ?
Felix : I've noticed nothing.
Bond : Whenever he gets a good flow of jokes going to entertain the crowd, He stands up with a
pair of opera glasses and looks at the mirror behind me, then writes something in a little
note book he keeps in his hip pocket.
Felix : That's amazing Bond, I noticed nothing.
Bond : Well, It takes a trained eye to notice little things like that...... now time for another strawberry
Daiquiri with two straws.
On returning to the table, while Drax was making some jokes. Bond turned waving to me holding up the cards
and pointing , soon after the game took a turn. As Moneypenny and Stormy returned to watch
Bond : seems I've improved somewhat
Drax : No this can't be right , I dealt you a Yarborough not a Perfect .....
MO : ( in a deep voice ) Steady now Hugger, it was a fair game
Drax : No, No, NO !!! I ... I've ......... I've been ...... You're a damned Chea ....
MP ; Stop There Hugger, no accusations, Mr Bond played fairly pay him his winnings.
Drax : Very well
Stormy : Easy there Bubba
Drax : The evidence is mounting ....
Stormy : Hugger, if there's any mounting to be done, I'll be doing it
Drax : Here Bond, ten shillings and six pence ,........( A side ) Spend the money quickly
Mr Bond.
Bond : I intend to Hugger, ..... Me and Felix are getting a curry and Chips later.
Drax and Stormy left with Drax in to bumping a man in green trainers sending him flying.
MP : Well played Bond, that should show him to mend his ways. Could spoil his party though.
Felix : Party ?
MP : Every year he holds a Gala Ball for charity, this year it's in aid of The Nigel Farage
immigration centre.
Bond : I think we'll have to gate crash the event and I have an idea just how, but that's for
tomorrow.
We moved to the front of the club as a private carriage was waiting for Drax and Stormy
Stormy : ( in a deep voice ) Till we meet again Mr Bond ( almost crushing his hand )
Then ( In a higher voice ) Oh kittens, and bows and flowers, general girly things
bye Y'all
Drax : I'm holding a little Swaray at my country estate, Mr Bond, please do me the
Courtesy ................. of staying away from it , Goodbye
Watching them leave Bond hailed a cab as I bought an evening paper
Cabbie : Well bless me if it ain't Mr Bond !
Bond : John, John Merrick as I live and breath, are you a cabbie now ?
Cabbie : Oh yes, the arse has falling out of the freak business, all the carnivals are closing
I blame all those social do good-ers killed it off.
Bond : I sorry to hear that
Cabbie : Happily with driving the cab I can vent all my ideas on politics , modern British life
and of course my views on immigration !
Bond : so like all cabbies then.
Cabbie : You going back to 007B Shamelady street ?
Bond : first stopping at Mr Patel's Perfect Punjab curry house and spa
Felix : Good lord Bond look at this ( Holding the paper ) this news story .
Bond : UM ? Old lady seen climbing London landmark
Felix : No this look here Murder of Lord Bill Tanner, there's a sketch and everything
Bond : Look at the marks round his neck, He was strangled with a chord !
In the cab home in between John Merrick's rants about immigrants and politics we both sat wondering
what strange fate had brought us to these events, two murders connected to a card cheat..... and just
what was Mr Patel putting in his curry these days.
The following morning after our ablutions dear reader, we prepared our plans, through a friend of Mrs May
we had our disguises, please be prepared as I don't wish to shock the sensibilities of any reader but both
Bond and I were in female attire as we were to enter the country estate of Drax " Dalton's Tenure " by posing
as Mrs Tumilty's all female terpsichorean troubadours, and we had engaged John Merrick as our carriage driver.
so after a quick breakfast of porridge and haddock sushi...... with another trip to the water closet we set off .
Merrick : We're just passed the gatehouse and the big house is coming in to view which way ?
Felix : you take it up the tradesman's entrance
Merrick : Oh, Cheeky !!! I'm in a relationship with Lucifer and Carlos the Dutch Siamese twins
Bond : Congratulations, how's that going for you ?
Merrick : Sometimes I feel like I'm disappointing two people at the same time. Heads up we're
Here.
We alighted the carriage each carrying our instruments Bond had his violin, I had my Kazoo and
Mrs May carried her Baby Grand Piano on her back.
Felix : James could I ask a question ?
Bond : Go ahead old friend.
Felix : The whole dressing up as females of the opposite, er Sex, if that's not too strong a word
Bond : Yes ?
Felix : Well, I just pulled one of Mrs May's old dresses over my own undergarments.
Bond : Yes ?
Felix : Well, you put on frilly, lacey underwear. Stockings and suspenders , nail varnish, make up
and lipstick.
Bond : What's strange about that, a good disguise starts with the littlest of details
Felix : But you already had them in your wardrobe !!
Bond : Drop it Felix, we're working.
May : I'll be dropping this Piano if you two floosy old windbags stop blathering on, Get a move on !
We entered the Drax domicile and went straight to the grand ball room.
May : This looks amazing, Imaging the Balls Drax has held in here !
Bond : Look there's the stage and the Main Band, sadly we are only a supporting act.
Felix : Who are the band by the way.
Bond : a Scottish troupe of Minstrels ( reading from a publicity docket ) called The Slunnered who'll
Be performing a new song for the occasion " Good morning, Dalton's Tenure "
Felix : I'll get your Earmuffs
May : The bass player looks a bit of all right !
Bond : Please Mrs May, just put the piano down, we don't want another restraining order against you
like the trouble we had with you stalking William Gladstone
Felix, : Lets get a quick rehearsal in and then ..
Bond : Then we can investigate our surroundings , find Drax's office seek out his friends for information
Felix : Probe his inner circle
Bond : Hadn't planed on going that far Felix.
For the next half hour we gave our rendition of several classic songs, "Smack your Pitch up"
( a song about the trials of putting tar on a flat roof ) ........... " 99 Problems but my Pitch ain't one "
( a song about a bad camping trip in Yorkshire ) ......... and " W.A.P " a song about .... well best
leave that to your imagination, But Mrs May did an amazing dance routine to it. As the main Band
practiced, to an audience of Mrs May, who got quite carried away and at one point threw her Bloomers
on the stage. As myself and Bond looked round the grand house. All too soon the evening fell and the
many guests arrived and we were told by a footman that we were to begin playing. We took to the stage.
Bond : Dalton's Tenure we salute you, are you ready to waltz and Foxtrot , lets get it on !!
DJ, Spin that Sh1t !
Sadly to my embarrassment, in my rush back from the water closet, I had accidently tucked my
dress in to my undergarments, much to the amusement of Mrs May, but soon we were half way
through our set.
Bond : Time we made a move Felix
Felix : Yes, I was thinking of "Maidens just want to have fun", that's always a floor filler
Bond : I was thinking of searching Drax's office. May we may need a little time can you do
a solo
May : Aye I'll play a Rick Wakeman piece, that should give you a couple of hours.
Bond : Don't know what you said, But I'm going with "OK"
As Mrs May began to play pushing the stool away and even hitching up her skirt to use her foot on the keyboard
and almost screaming something about " Great balls of fire " we made our exit. In the hallway a guard stood
blocking the stairwell.
Bond : I shall walk over and distract and dispatch him
Felix : Why you
Bond : Honestly, Felix Look at this ( He gestures to his body ) as a lady
I'M FREAKING HOT !!!!!
Felix : Ok, so I'm the Just the Hot girls friend then ? It's my Boarding school days all
over again !
Bond with a sassy walk approached the guard ( lascivious saxophone music began to play ) quickly
Bond dispatches the guard.
Bond : Thanks for the saxophone Music Felix
Felix : Anytime James,
Bond : Now let's Crack on shall we.
Quickly we ascended the stairs to see first hand the lair of one Hugo Drax
The bass player says "thanks".
In the upper hallway, Bond stopped......
Felix : Have you heard something ?
Bond : No, just need to re-apply
..... He than took out a lipstick and a powder compact
Bond : Now, lets crack on, shall we?
We moved further in and came across an ornate door marker " Room of uninteresting stuff " and a mat
emblazoned with the motto " Stay out, ........ No Girls "
Bond : I think this is it, I'll just pick the lock.
Soon we were inside and I stood watch by the door as Bond moved to search the room. Soon Bond
discovered a safe
Bond : Damn, it looks to be voice activated !
(There was a parrot in in a cage beside it )
Bond : Luckily Drax is old fashioned, the code's written on a note stuck to the cage. 2543, we're in !
(Bond produced several papers and perused then across Drax's desk )
Bond : Seems he's been buying huge herds of cattle, I mean the biggleist amount
Felix : Well he is making the holster for Britain's super gun, James ?
Bond : But oddly there's no records of large sales to abattoirs, or transportation of hides. It's almost
as if he's stockpiling his stock .
Voice : Why, Mr Bond I've caught you in another man's drawers !
(Stormy Ladygarden had appeared by a bookshelf ... and walked across to the desk )
Stormy : Your credentials are showing
Bond : This Ann Summers underwear leaves little to the imagination
Stormy : No, even under that make-up, that cruel mouth and sparkling blue eyes still show. So your
Interested in Hugger's plans.
Bond : The thought had occurred to me.
Stormy : He's a beast, he treats me so badly.
( Bond moved to caress her arm and noticed a tattoo " SPECTRE FOREVER " )
Stormy : He, only gives me a thousand pounds a week to get by on, always leaves the toilet seat up.
and deliberately watches the football when I'm trying to hoover the living room
Bond : He sounds like a tyrant
Stormy : Hold me James , I've been looking for a real man and seeing you in lipstick, make-up,
silky lacey underwear and a Laura Ashley dress, makes me think you might just be that man !
(They kissed, I looked away, as I'm a gentleman and anyway I had a subscription to the etching service
PornHub )
Bond : And may I say, you have the daintiest five o'clock shadow and Adams apple.
Stormy : Take me with you James, I need to escape.
Bond : If you like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain
Stormy : If you're not into yoga, If you have half a brain
Bond : If you like making love at midnight In the dunes on the cape
Stormy : Then I'm the love that you've looked for, I'll come with you and escape"
Bond : I got what I wanted so, time to leave
Stormy : Typical bloody man , you get what you want and then It's off you go
Bond : No I want you to come with me.
Stormy : Oh sorry, Just let me take my few precious items,
Bond : Balls, Cue ?
Stormy : Bolas Bond and my pool stick
Felix : Quickly, I can hear footsteps, Time to leave.
Quickly we hurried down the stairs and sneaked back in to the Grand Ballroom, May was just finishing her song
by sliding across the stage, in the background her piano was on fire and most of The Skunnered were cowering
in fear at the back of the stage with all the dancers staring at her, mouths open
Mrs May : I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet ! ..... but your great grand kids are gonna love it !
With that dear reader we hurried to our carriage and John Merrick cracked his whip causing the horses to
leave with alacrity and pace, Unfortunately we weren't actually in the carriage at the time, So I commandeered
another and we hurried away in to the night.
Dear reader, with Mrs May at the reigns we made great progress apparently her maiden name was
Toretto! I sat with Bond and Stormy in the back going over what we'd learned and formulating a
plan ..... As we removed our female garments, and back into our more conservative male clothing,
although I did notice Bond kept his Ann Summers underwear on......
Stormy : So James, what' cha thinking snooky babes ? (Punching him in the stomach )
Bond : Oof ! That was a little hard Stormy.
Stormy : Sorry Darling, in the south that's just a sign of affection, like a Chinese burn or
a wet willy.
Bond : Sorry for not recognising your culture.
Stormy : Why thank-you Honey (Punching him on the chin )
Felix : James what are you planning?
Bond : I remember the map in Drax's office, there's a few things I'd like to investigate.
Stormy : Such as?
(Bond quickly draws a rough map on a piece of paper )
Bond : I think we need to check out " The old Connery Mine "
Stormy : Why there, why not (She points at the paper ) The Brosnan Beacons , the
Roger Moors, Lazenby Falls or Craig's Crevice ?
Bond : Because from what I heard at the gala ball, the mine is the only one which has
a story of a mysterious beast, obviously to keep people away.
Felix : What beast ?
Bond : The Puppy of the Draxvilles apparently a small hairy monster which humps peoples legs
until they fall off.
May : Yon farm house you told me aboot, we're there Number 24
Bond : What did she say ?
Felix : We're at the farmhouse you requested.
Bond : Good, we'll get some local knowledge from the farmer.
(We alighted and Bond knocked several times before the door was opened by a bearded old man smoking
a pipe.)
Farmer : Who's there? what do you want?
Bond : I'm James Bond the famous detective ........
Farmer : Aye, the second best detective in all of England.
Felix : May we enter and talk to you?
(The Farmer bid us enter and offered us to be seated, he gave us all a long look )
Farmer : You look like you could use a stiff one.
Stormy : Maybe later right now I just like a drink.
(He poured some whisky from a large jug )
Bond : We're interested in the local story of the Puppy of the Draxvilles
Farmer : Oh that, locals think it's the ghost of a sheepdog who lost his appeal from
the sheepdog trials and was hung until death, or longer. There be some strange
sounds, cows mooing that sort of thing yet no one can see any cattle
Mrs May : Why would a sheepdog be herding cattle ?
Farmer : Who knows the ways of the supernatural. Have you ever seen a praying mantis
eat its lover after mating?
May : No.
Farmer : Do you want to, I keep insects as a hobby out the back, ..... God it's lonely out here.
(Bond decided to check out the mine, taking Stormy with him, asking myself and May to remain
at the farm house, only secretly borrowing an item from Mrs May They left with a lantern and
began across the Roger Moors...... )
Stormy : James , this is crazy, can you see where we're going?
Bond : We're nearly there, just need to avoid Craig's crevice. Look, just ahead up in the hills
down there, the old Connery Mine. Come on ......
(They soon arrived at the entrance of the mine workings )
Stormy : What's that noise ?
Bond : Sounds like cattle, but there's none around.
(Just then a small shaggy creature jumped down on to Bond and they struggle across the Mine
area )
Stormy : Ah!!! It's Horrible, a monster!!!
Creature : Hey lady you're no oil painting either. (Then carries on attacking Bond )
Bond : A French accent...... he truly is a monster!! (Bond dispatches the varlet )
Stormy : Bravo James. (Bond removes the mask and hairy jacket from the man )
Stormy :"Jinkies!" It was the old caretaker all the time.
Bond : Pardon?
Stormy : He was the caretaker at Drax's country estate.
Hervé : And I'd have gotten away with it too if you pesky .....
Bond : No time for clichés, Drax had you dress like this to keep people away, right?
Herve : Yes.
(Bond finds a large tool box and locks Herve inside with him calling out insults in French.)
Bond : Shout all you want, there are no subtitles.
Bond and Stormy enter the mine.......
Bond : Look, the ground is very compacted ... and you can hear that noise again.
Stormy : Let's leave James, I don't like this.
Bond : You wouldn't want me to make this tedious journey alone, let's crack on.
Soon they came to a large cavern, surprisingly filled with cattle in all directions. They stood on a ledge above.
Stormy : Wow!!
Bond : Now that's a lot of Bull.
Suddenly Bond is pushed to the floor and Stormy is standing back now exposing her Balls..... or
Bolas !
Stormy : (Now with a deeper voice ) Poor James so trusting, so willing to believe .....
Bond : Really, Professor Blofeld!!!
Stormy : You knew?
Bond : It was little things, the tattoo on your arm......
Stormy : It's a tattoo I'm proud to wear.
Bond : Your stubble and Adams apple .....
Stormy : Damn my manly genes!
Bond : Also in the carriage leaving Drax, you forgot to " Tuck "
Stormy : This damn lacy underwear, it so uncomfortable.
Bond : Oh I don't know. Also the murders, a blow to the head and the strangulation,.....
(He points at the Bolas weapon she's holding )
Bond : All accomplished by that South American weapon.
Stormy : (Nodding ) Absolutely James Bond , well done but now it's time to die.
(Professor Blofeld removes his wig and begins swinging the bolas above her head.)
Bond : It's no time to die (and throws the small "Sgian-dubh" he'd borrowed from Mrs May )
(With a short scream Professor Blofeld /Stormy falls from the ledge to the cattle below.....
Bond : I'm so lucky Mrs May comes from a really rough part of Glasgow, although I know
she'll want that knife back, it was her Mothers I think.
Bond leaves to return to the old Farmhouse passing a still imprisoned shouting French henchman......
Dear reader, Bond made his way across the Roger Moors back to the farmhouse, exhausted and
cold he knocked on the door ......
Farmer : Come in , Mr Bond, you must be cold, come in and warm yourself.
(Bond moved to the small fire before turning to face the room, only to see Drax and a couple of his
men, pointing their guns at myself and Mrs May )
Drax : I assume Stormy won't be joining us ?
Bond : No, Have you heard the expression " Under your feet ", well she's now Under your Hooves.
Drax : she was a very beautiful man, and a father figure to me.
( Reaching an arm upward he screams aloud )
Drax : Ernst, you will be avenged !!
Bond : Well you seem to be taking it well. How are you two doing?
Felix : Fine James, turns out our farmer friend, is really Drax's friend.
(Drax moves to the head of the table, dropping his overcoat onto the back of the chair and sits down
beginning to talk as he removes his gloves )
Drax : I'm sure you must be wondering just what my plan is?
Bond : No, I'm not bothered.
Felix : Of no interest to me.
May : I wish you'd just shut your cake hole.
Drax : Well I'm going to tell you why, I hope you're sitting uncomfortably ..... I have been paid
by a foreign power, to cause a little destruction, I won't mention any names as I don't want to boast,
But it rhymes with Lesident Brutin. When I release my millions of cattle through the city .... in
the world's biggest stampede, the vibrations from their hooves will cause the building to collapse
so destroying one of the great cities of the world.
May : What, you're attacking Edinburgh!!!
Felix : I think he means London.
May : Oh....... Right ......... Carry on.
Drax : But now you have distracted me enough. Tie them up, we'll take them with us.
(As Drax finished Bond made his move added by Felix and May, all hell broke loose, with fists flying
everywhere. I was amazed to see some of the martial arts moves that Mrs May was using, as the fight
began to turn in our favour, Bond noticed Drax making a sly escape. As we subdued the henchmen Bond
took off in pursuit of Drax, running across The Moors towards the Lazenby falls....)
Felix : Mrs May, stop hitting him, he's unconscious.
May : He drew First Blood!
Felix : I'll help you tie them up, them I'll go help Bond.
Dear reader, I gave chase after Bond and Drax following them to the nearby falls...
(On the wet, rocky outcrop beside the waterfall .... )
Bond : You've nowhere to run Drax, it's over.
Drax : No, I'm rich, I never get punished, even nanny wasn't allowed to smack my bottom.
Bond : Well I can lick you in a fight and kick your bottom.
Drax : Lick or kick, my bottom will never be in your hands.
Bond : To the end I grapple with thee.
From below, I could only watch as they fought on the ledge above me, neither gaining the upper hand.
Grappling to and fro, until the unthinkable happened and both figures fell into the thundering falls .....
We searched for days but no bodies were found, we had to accept that they'd been washed through
Craig's crevice .
We held a memorial service for Bond with myself and Mrs May with Moneypenny in attendance although surprisingly a hoard of jealous husbands, outraged chefs and humiliated tailors turned up, Mrs May served
everyone steak!
just happy to have completed it, Thank you for all the comments
you're all far too kind. -{
I have to say you do bad jokes and bad writing extremely well
I enjoy it a lot!
You're selling yourself short. And it's a good hobby, isn't it?
I’m Scottish too, and stuck in a local lockdown!