Graves's assistant- Miss Chili Frosty.
Madonna's character- Virginity. We must include some Madonna jokes- I'm thinking "touched for the thirty-first time".
Jason, DP, N24 - plenty good song ideas there! )
We should throw in as many puns on the title as possible- "try another sleigh" might work, eg.
At the moment I'm just doing random scenes (please everyone feel free to rewrite them, add more, etc) and will get round to putting them in order later. Of course if anyone has a specific idea for a scene (say, the swordfight) just throw it in.
A great wave rolls into shore like a Tempest, in its mist three valiant knights, standing upon
Their shields, surfing the same monstrous wave , as the lilt of a nearby minstrel plays on the
Air, about how he wishes all maidens could be California Colonies Maidens ...... Once on shore
The lead knight removes his fake Sir David of Hasselhoff mask, to reveal himself as
None other than Sir James Bond !
His two companions quickly overpower a rival knight awaiting a rendezvous, with punches and grappling for his
Precious stones. Quickly Sir James takes His place and purse of precious jewels and puts on his
Ingenious disguise of glasses with a fake nose and moustache attached !........ Soon a carriage
Approaches ........
Sir James: These beith my credentials. ( He doth show his Jewels )
Coachman: um ! Very impressive jewels, ... in order they appearist, come with me ......
Sir James climbs aboard , soon arriving at a knights compound !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
...where they are met by a strong warrior.
Zao: Thou may know me as Zao, and thou art late.
Sir James: Yea, verily, I did run into a little road rage.
Colonel Moon: Sir Van Berkshirehunt, most pleased am I to meet thee.
Sir James: And I also, Colonel. Here have I ye gemstones to trade for thine weapons.
Colonel Moon: Mine weapons are concealed in yonder field, under the cow pats.
Sir James: Bull!
Colonel Moon: Nay, ‘tis no mince steak.
Sir James: Pull ye udder one. (A pigeon lands on Zao’s shoulder. He doth untie a message from its leg, reads it, then whispers to Colonel Moon.)
Colonel Moon: Guards! Seize him! (Sir James ist grabbed by several guards. His weapons and ye purse of diamonds art taken.)
Colonel Moon: So, thou art an assassin from Albion called Bond, James Bond?
The Colonel removes Sir James's glasses, and notices that both his nose and moustache come
Away with it.
Col Moon (aside) um, this doth give me an idea, for future events ! Take him away and execute him !
Place him close to where my jeweller is examining mine gemstones.
Jeweller: sire, this stone is like none other I have seen, this a black orb with a Wick, which seems to be a light
And growing shorter ?
Suddenly the purse of gemstones doth explode !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Zao falls, his face hit by several gemstones. In the confusion Colonel Moon leaps onto a chariot, and heads into ye field of cow pats. Sir James leaps on a carriage, giddies up the horses and follows.)
Colonel Moon: Ne'er shalt thou catch me, Sir James!
Sir James: We shalt see! (Their chase doth throw up piles of manure. Blinded, Colonel Moon drives straight off a cliff. Sir James manages to grab hold of a convenient bell.)
Sir James: Well, ding-dong... (He turns to see General Moon with many armed men.)
General Moon: Thou hast slain the Colonel- my son.
Sir James: Colonel Sun? I thought he was Colonel Moon! (General Moon gives him a withering look as his men take hold of Sir James.) Intermission. Maidens dance with scorpions as a woman from across the sea sings.
The New Wizard’s lair, which ist full of old relics. Enter Sir James....
...
Sir James: I prithee, let us not start that again.
Sir James picks up a pair of battered shoes with a dagger protruding from them.
Sir James: Forsooth, I recall these - hast thou an upgrade, Wizard?
New Wizard: Indeed, Naught Naught Seven, but they are far more deadly.
Sir James: Gadzooks! Doth they contain a lance? Or perhaps let fly poisoned arrows?
New Wizard: Far worse, Naught Naught Seven... they are luminous green.
....
Sir James: And for mine transport?
New Wizard: Ah, of this I am particularly proud- behold! (Ye New Wizard points at... nothing.)
Sir James: Methinks thine logic ist... fawlty?
New Wizard: ‘Tis our most latest spell! An enchanted carriage which cannot be seen!
Sir James: I wish that I hadst but not seen those green shoes...
A chamber near St James's Palace where some Knights doth practice with their swords. Sir James approaches a lady.
Sir James: Virginity?
Virginity: Alike, Sir James. ''Tis well we are met again.
Sir James: When last we met, 'twas on holiday, on the Isle of Bonita. I do believe thou wast touched ... for the the thirty first time...
Virginity: I seest thou canst still keep up thine tip, Sir James?
Sir James: Yes, I believe I can still manage to get into thy groove... tell me, who's that girl?
Virginity: Feast thine eyes on the finest swordsman in Albion, Sir James.. or rather swordswoman, Miss Chili Frosty. She took the king's gold medal.
Sir James: She looks like a material girl.
Virginity: And now she is teaching Sir Gustav. He hath won such riches, no-one else doth dare to cross swords with him. Wouldst thou care to meet him?
Virginity introduces Naught Naught Seven to Sir Gustav.
Sir Gustav: Have we met ere now, Sir James?
Sir James: I'm sure I wouldst but remember, Sir Gustav.
At this, Sir Gustav withdraws a chicken from his britches. Seeing this, Sir James withdraws an even larger one from his britches. Several maidens gasp.
Virginity: I must withdraw Sir James... I hate cockfights.
Sir James: Adieu, Virginity, may thou be touched for the very last time...
(The two chickens circle each other warily before Sir Gustav’s makes a daring lunge, drawing blood from ye wing of Sir James’s bird who lunges back to draw blood for ye other’s breast.)
Sir James: First blood from ye breast, Sir Gustav.
Sir Gustav: Shall we make it best of three, or art thee chicken?
Sir James: Do not get cocky!
Sir Gustav: Thou art trying to ruffle mine feathers. (Ye two birds begin to fight more ferociously. Each eggs the other on.)
Sir James: I suspect fowl play.
Miss Frosty: That ist enough!
Sir Gustav: Nay, Chili, 'tis merely sport!
Miss Frosty: Enough puns, I mean. He most surely has thee beaten there, Sir Gustav.
Sir Gustav: Then we shalt settle ye wager downstairs. Sir James, mayhap you would care to join me at mine place in Iceland?
Sir James: But of course- shall I wait by ye burgers or ye frozen chips?
Sir Gustav: 8-) Chili, give Sir James the details. (Exits.)
Miss Frosty: Here art thine tickets for sailing to Iceland, Sir James.
Sir James: I do hope for thine company, Miss Frosty, in such an inclement location. Shared bodily warmth I find most comforting.
Miss Frosty: Of this I am sure. (Exits.)
Steward: Sir James, a message hast been left for thee.
Sir James: I thank'ee, good man.
The New Wizard’s lair, which ist full of old relics. Enter Sir James....
...
Sir James: I prithee, let us not start that again.
Sir James picks up a pair of battered shoes with a dagger protruding from them.
Sir James: Forsooth, I recall these - hast thou an upgrade, Wizard?
New Wizard: Indeed, Naught Naught Seven, but they are far more deadly.
Sir James: Gadzooks! Doth they contain a lance? Or perhaps let fly poisoned arrows?
New Wizard: Far worse, Naught Naught Seven... they are luminous green.
....
Sir James: And for mine transport?
New Wizard: Ah, of this I am particularly proud- behold! (Ye New Wizard points at... nothing.)
Sir James: Methinks thine logic ist... fawlty?
New Wizard: ‘Tis our most latest spell! An enchanted carriage which cannot be seen!
Sir James: I wish that I hadst but not seen those green shoes...
I think that we should have some form of the "I like a woman in a bikini, no concealed weapons." from The Man With The Golden Gun.
If we can work that in it would be splendid. Either in the beginning or when he meets Miss Hap.
EDIT: ) ) ) . Brilliant.
Act 2, Scene 3. A galleon at harbour. Sir James sleeps lying in a hammock.
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...oh that was wonderful, Felix, can we do that again? (He awakes, to see Dame Miles looking down at him.) ;% Oh! Ah! Em!
Dame Miles: M indeed. Welcome back, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Hm, thou doth not appear pleased to see me.
Dame Miles: Overjoyed, but thine freedom came at a high price.
Act 2, Scene 4. A grand boarding house. Enter Sir James, soaking wet wearing only his undershirt and a pair of green training shoes. Gasps of horror are heard from ye clientele as he approaches the clerk.
Sir James: Mine usual chambers, I prithee.
Clerk: Such attire ist not permitted in civilised company, good sir.
Sir James: Thine pardon I crave. (Removes ye green shoes and tosses them in ye bin.) Ist that better?
Clerk: Most certainly!
Yeoman Chang: Our finest chambers for Sir James, and apace!
Sir James: I thankee, Yeoman Chang.
Yeoman Chang: Hast thou been making mud pies, Sir James?
Sir James: Merely surviving, Yeoman Chang.
Act 2, Scene 4. A grand boarding house. Enter Sir James, soaking wet wearing only his undershirt and a pair of green training shoes. Gasps of horror are heard from ye clientele as he approaches the clerk.
Sir James: Mine usual chambers, I prithee.
Clerk: Such attire ist not permitted in civilised company, good sir.
Sir James: Thine pardon I crave. (Removes ye green shoes and tosses them in ye bin.) Ist that better?
Clerk: Most certainly!
Yeoman Chang: Our finest chambers for Sir James, and apace!
Sir James: I thankee, Yeoman Chang.
Yeoman Chang: Hast thou been making mud pies, Sir James?
Sir James: Merely surviving, Yeoman Chang.
Act 2, Scene 4. A grand boarding house. Enter Sir James, soaking wet wearing only his undershirt and a pair of green training shoes. Gasps of horror are heard from ye clientele as he approaches the clerk.
Sir James: Mine usual chambers, I prithee.
Clerk: Such attire ist not permitted in civilised company, good sir.
Sir James: Thine pardon I crave. (Removes ye green shoes and tosses them in ye bin.) Ist that better?
Clerk: Most certainly!
Yeoman Chang: Our finest chambers for Sir James, and apace!
Sir James: I thankee, Yeoman Chang.
Yeoman Chang: Hast thou been making mud pies, Sir James?
Sir James: Merely surviving, Yeoman Chang. I prithee, may I have ye chambers with the peaceful fountains?
Yeoman Chang: Of course, and I shalt have some food sent up. The stuffed sheep's head, perhaps?
Sir James: Perfect.
(Later, in Sir James's chambers.)
Yeoman Chang: Everything ist to thine satisfaction?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so- but one more boon I crave of thee. 'Tis known thou art an agent of discretion for thine government, Yeoman Chang, and I do seek a man called Zao who hast done both thee and me great disservice. His present whereabouts I must know.
Yeoman Chang: Ah, Zao... 'tis known he ist in Cuba. I will arrange a sailing for thee apace, Sir James. And perhaps thou would like a massage, also?
Sir James: Nay, this kind of client I am not.
Act 3, Scene 1. Cuba. Sir James visits a maker of cigars.
Act 2, Scene 3. A galleon at harbour. Sir James sleeps lying in a hammock.
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...oh that was wonderful, Felix, can we do that again? (He awakes, to see Dame Miles looking down at him.) ;% Oh! Ah! Em!
Dame Miles: M indeed. Welcome back, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Hm, thou doth not appear pleased to see me.
Dame Miles: Overjoyed, but thine freedom came at a high price.
M says many secrets from her court has reached foreign shores while Bond was in jail. Some secrets have even reached the French! She starts mentioning embarrasing secrets about Q, herself, the queen and Bond himself. Bond was the only one who knew of Q's novelty restraining device for interrogatiobs he has been testing with Moneypenny who has been in the hands of the enemy, or even been abroaf lately.
Bond's extensive collections of obcene prints.
Bond: -even the .....?
M: - yes, even the German ones! And speaking of the Germans, they now know the Royal Navy only has a single rowing boat guarding the coast of Scotland. The one manned by thd toothless drunkard from Edinbourg.
Bond: I have heard that real Cuban cigars are rolled on the thigh by virgins. Is this true, sir?
Cigar maker: This is the tradition, but we cannot find virgins to employ.
Bond: I am very saddened to hear of this .....
About the M meeting scene..."you burn me" "your complexion is hardly relevant" "...but your competence is." "Let's not go down that path again"
Something along those lines since it wasn't used for The Heavens Plummet.
We could work the "burning" in somehow...
Or she could joke about his tan from Cuba with his changing complexion.
Q's invisible wagon could be a case of the emperor's new clothes. Everyone plays along with Q's claims that it's invisible, to the point where Bond used coconuts to make the sound of the Hoover (Monty Python style).
Comments
Madonna's character- Virginity. We must include some Madonna jokes- I'm thinking "touched for the thirty-first time".
Jason, DP, N24 - plenty good song ideas there!
We should throw in as many puns on the title as possible- "try another sleigh" might work, eg.
At the moment I'm just doing random scenes (please everyone feel free to rewrite them, add more, etc) and will get round to putting them in order later. Of course if anyone has a specific idea for a scene (say, the swordfight) just throw it in.
Their shields, surfing the same monstrous wave , as the lilt of a nearby minstrel plays on the
Air, about how he wishes all maidens could be California Colonies Maidens ...... Once on shore
The lead knight removes his fake Sir David of Hasselhoff mask, to reveal himself as
None other than Sir James Bond !
His two companions quickly overpower a rival knight awaiting a rendezvous, with punches and grappling for his
Precious stones. Quickly Sir James takes His place and purse of precious jewels and puts on his
Ingenious disguise of glasses with a fake nose and moustache attached !........ Soon a carriage
Approaches ........
Sir James: These beith my credentials. ( He doth show his Jewels )
Coachman: um ! Very impressive jewels, ... in order they appearist, come with me ......
Sir James climbs aboard , soon arriving at a knights compound !
Give me a moment....
Zao: Thou may know me as Zao, and thou art late.
Sir James: Yea, verily, I did run into a little road rage.
Colonel Moon: Sir Van Berkshirehunt, most pleased am I to meet thee.
Sir James: And I also, Colonel. Here have I ye gemstones to trade for thine weapons.
Colonel Moon: Mine weapons are concealed in yonder field, under the cow pats.
Sir James: Bull!
Colonel Moon: Nay, ‘tis no mince steak.
Sir James: Pull ye udder one.
(A pigeon lands on Zao’s shoulder. He doth untie a message from its leg, reads it, then whispers to Colonel Moon.)
Colonel Moon: Guards! Seize him!
(Sir James ist grabbed by several guards. His weapons and ye purse of diamonds art taken.)
Colonel Moon: So, thou art an assassin from Albion called Bond, James Bond?
Away with it.
Col Moon (aside) um, this doth give me an idea, for future events ! Take him away and execute him !
Place him close to where my jeweller is examining mine gemstones.
Jeweller: sire, this stone is like none other I have seen, this a black orb with a Wick, which seems to be a light
And growing shorter ?
Suddenly the purse of gemstones doth explode !
Colonel Moon: Ne'er shalt thou catch me, Sir James!
Sir James: We shalt see!
(Their chase doth throw up piles of manure. Blinded, Colonel Moon drives straight off a cliff. Sir James manages to grab hold of a convenient bell.)
Sir James: Well, ding-dong...
(He turns to see General Moon with many armed men.)
General Moon: Thou hast slain the Colonel- my son.
Sir James: Colonel Sun? I thought he was Colonel Moon!
(General Moon gives him a withering look as his men take hold of Sir James.)
Intermission. Maidens dance with scorpions as a woman from across the sea sings.
(Song lyrics here)
I've suggested a couple of small amendments to the Sir James/New Wizard scene... -{
A chamber near St James's Palace where some Knights doth practice with their swords. Sir James approaches a lady.
Sir James: Virginity?
Virginity: Alike, Sir James. ''Tis well we are met again.
Sir James: When last we met, 'twas on holiday, on the Isle of Bonita. I do believe thou wast touched ... for the the thirty first time...
Virginity: I seest thou canst still keep up thine tip, Sir James?
Sir James: Yes, I believe I can still manage to get into thy groove... tell me, who's that girl?
Virginity: Feast thine eyes on the finest swordsman in Albion, Sir James.. or rather swordswoman, Miss Chili Frosty. She took the king's gold medal.
Sir James: She looks like a material girl.
Virginity: And now she is teaching Sir Gustav. He hath won such riches, no-one else doth dare to cross swords with him. Wouldst thou care to meet him?
Virginity introduces Naught Naught Seven to Sir Gustav.
Sir Gustav: Have we met ere now, Sir James?
Sir James: I'm sure I wouldst but remember, Sir Gustav.
At this, Sir Gustav withdraws a chicken from his britches. Seeing this, Sir James withdraws an even larger one from his britches. Several maidens gasp.
Virginity: I must withdraw Sir James... I hate cockfights.
Sir James: Adieu, Virginity, may thou be touched for the very last time...
(Needs work...) -{
(The two chickens circle each other warily before Sir Gustav’s makes a daring lunge, drawing blood from ye wing of Sir James’s bird who lunges back to draw blood for ye other’s breast.)
Sir James: First blood from ye breast, Sir Gustav.
Sir Gustav: Shall we make it best of three, or art thee chicken?
Sir James: Do not get cocky!
Sir Gustav: Thou art trying to ruffle mine feathers.
(Ye two birds begin to fight more ferociously. Each eggs the other on.)
Sir James: I suspect fowl play.
Miss Frosty: That ist enough!
Sir Gustav: Nay, Chili, 'tis merely sport!
Miss Frosty: Enough puns, I mean. He most surely has thee beaten there, Sir Gustav.
Sir Gustav: Then we shalt settle ye wager downstairs. Sir James, mayhap you would care to join me at mine place in Iceland?
Sir James: But of course- shall I wait by ye burgers or ye frozen chips?
Sir Gustav: 8-) Chili, give Sir James the details. (Exits.)
Miss Frosty: Here art thine tickets for sailing to Iceland, Sir James.
Sir James: I do hope for thine company, Miss Frosty, in such an inclement location. Shared bodily warmth I find most comforting.
Miss Frosty: Of this I am sure. (Exits.)
Steward: Sir James, a message hast been left for thee.
Sir James: I thank'ee, good man.
Excellent! Now included in the scene.
See https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/869299/#p869299
Feel free to add, amend, etc!
If we can work that in it would be splendid. Either in the beginning or when he meets Miss Hap.
EDIT:
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...oh that was wonderful, Felix, can we do that again? (He awakes, to see Dame Miles looking down at him.) ;% Oh! Ah! Em!
Dame Miles: M indeed. Welcome back, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Hm, thou doth not appear pleased to see me.
Dame Miles: Overjoyed, but thine freedom came at a high price.
Someone please carry on...?
Sir James: Mine usual chambers, I prithee.
Clerk: Such attire ist not permitted in civilised company, good sir.
Sir James: Thine pardon I crave. (Removes ye green shoes and tosses them in ye bin.) Ist that better?
Clerk: Most certainly!
Yeoman Chang: Our finest chambers for Sir James, and apace!
Sir James: I thankee, Yeoman Chang.
Yeoman Chang: Hast thou been making mud pies, Sir James?
Sir James: Merely surviving, Yeoman Chang.
(Needs more...)
Sir James: Mine usual chambers, I prithee.
Clerk: Such attire ist not permitted in civilised company, good sir.
Sir James: Thine pardon I crave. (Removes ye green shoes and tosses them in ye bin.) Ist that better?
Clerk: Most certainly!
Yeoman Chang: Our finest chambers for Sir James, and apace!
Sir James: I thankee, Yeoman Chang.
Yeoman Chang: Hast thou been making mud pies, Sir James?
Sir James: Merely surviving, Yeoman Chang. I prithee, may I have ye chambers with the peaceful fountains?
Yeoman Chang: Of course, and I shalt have some food sent up. The stuffed sheep's head, perhaps?
Sir James: Perfect.
(Later, in Sir James's chambers.)
Yeoman Chang: Everything ist to thine satisfaction?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so- but one more boon I crave of thee. 'Tis known thou art an agent of discretion for thine government, Yeoman Chang, and I do seek a man called Zao who hast done both thee and me great disservice. His present whereabouts I must know.
Yeoman Chang: Ah, Zao... 'tis known he ist in Cuba. I will arrange a sailing for thee apace, Sir James. And perhaps thou would like a massage, also?
Sir James: Nay, this kind of client I am not.
Act 3, Scene 1. Cuba. Sir James visits a maker of cigars.
Sir James:
No-one...?
Bond's extensive collections of obcene prints.
Bond: -even the .....?
M: - yes, even the German ones! And speaking of the Germans, they now know the Royal Navy only has a single rowing boat guarding the coast of Scotland. The one manned by thd toothless drunkard from Edinbourg.
See https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/869299/#p869299
While Sir James thinks about how to get off the galleon, here's the opening for the next bit:
Act 3, Scene 1. Cuba. Sir James visits a maker of cigars.
Sir James:
Cigar maker: This is the tradition, but we cannot find virgins to employ.
Bond: I am very saddened to hear of this .....
See https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/869299/#p869299
Something along those lines since it wasn't used for The Heavens Plummet.
We could work the "burning" in somehow...
Or she could joke about his tan from Cuba with his changing complexion.
Needs more, but it's a start!
Nah- that sucks.... ;%
X-( X-( Autocorrect!!!!
The sound of hooves