I'm thinking of the ice palace being a castle of ice on a big mountain and the demonstration being controlled by his men down the mountain.
I've changed that slightly, the palace being beside a mountain rather than on it, so the beam from the mirror can be seen while Graves gives his speech.
Good work, but I imagined the part about the castle and smithy differently. I wanted the smithy to be made of ice. Working a large forge is very warm work, causing the "unforseen difficulties". Perhaps men are constantly replacing melted parts of the building. Bond could ask Graves if he considered making an ice castle. Graves replies that the castle is obviously made of stone, since an ice castle would be impractical and silly. (you see - irony and parody )
Bar some tidying up (as ever, all ideas welcome), that's "Sir James 20" finished which means that the whole series has now been Shakespearised. If anyone would like to revise any parts to any of the scripts feel free!
{[] Yes, great fun. I'm still tinkering with them, throwing in lines or scenes (as you know, I've never been too happy with the ones I did myself). All help with that welcome!
I think my favourite is our take on LALD, and the worst is FYEO.
As you know, I'm revising some of the weaker scripts. If anyone would like to chip in, rewrite, etc please go ahead!
Here's what I've been up to:
Act 1, Scene 1.A harbour. A duck swims across the water. As it nears ye shore, there is coughing and spluttering as a voice comes from beneath it.
Voice: This fowl idea was completely quackers. (A figure rises under ye duck, it ist Sir James Bond. Apace, he throws ye stuffed duck aside and rises from the water to approach a wall where there ist a sign.)
Sir James: (Reading.) “Romales Fruits. Our bananas are a-peeling.” Good, this must be ye place. (Sir James pulls a small crossbow from his doublet and fires an arrow with a rope attached. He scales ye wall, knocks out a guard, and finds himself surrounded by trees with yellow fruits.)
Sir James: Hmm, this ist where ye bananas art grown. (Sir James places a barrel of gunpowder beneath a banana tree and slowly backs off, leaving a trail of gunpowder. Outside a tavern, he sets light to the trail.) Act 1, Scene 2. A crowded tavern. Sir James enters, watching a maiden dance for ye customers. There ist a loud explosion and most of ye clientele flee. Sir James goes to ye bar beside a man who ist quietly drinking.
Yeoman: Praise be upon thee, Sir James, for thou hast fouled ye intent of Count Romales.
Sir James: To foment insurrection with the fruit of the banana tree he will no longer.
Yeoman: Here ‘tis no longer safe for thee. Thine vessel doth depart within the hour.
Sir James: And aboard shall I be, though mine business here be yet undone. (Sir James watches ye dancing maiden flounce off.) Act 1, Scene 3. A boudoir. Sir James ist embracing ye dancing maiden.
Dancing Maiden: Ow! Thine weapon does dig into me.
Sir James: I thought that was the idea tonight- oh, I see what thou do mean.
Dancing Maiden: Must thou wear it always?
Sir James: A thousand pardons I crave, for its lack doth diminish me. (He hangs his flintlock by a bath.) Now... (As they embrace, Sir James looks deeply into ye maiden’s eyes and doth see a varlet approaching from behind. They struggle, and ye varlet ist overcome.)
Sir James: Most verily I am shocked. (Exits.)
Act 1, Scene 1. A harbour. A duck swims across the water. As it nears ye shore, there is coughing and spluttering as a voice comes from beneath it.
Voice: This fowl idea was completely quackers.
(A figure rises under ye duck, it ist Sir James Bond. Apace, he throws ye stuffed duck aside and rises from the water to approach a wall where there ist a sign.)
Sir James: (Reading.) “Romales Fruits. Our bananas are a-peeling.” Good, this must be ye place.
With Romales as the head man or ....... Top Banana ?"
(Sir James pulls a small crossbow from his doublet and fires an arrow with a rope attached. He scales ye wall, knocks out a guard, and finds himself surrounded by trees with yellow fruits.)
Sir James: Hmm, this ist where ye bananas art grown.
(Sir James places a barrel of gunpowder beneath a banana tree and slowly backs off, leaving a trail of gunpowder. Outside a tavern, he sets light to the trail.)
Sir James: Now to be like'th a Banana myself and .......... Split !
Act 1, Scene 2. A crowded tavern. Sir James enters, watching a maiden dance for ye customers. There ist a loud explosion and most of ye clientele flee. Sir James goes to ye bar beside a man who ist quietly drinking.
Yeoman: Praise be upon thee, Sir James, for thou hast fouled ye intent of Count Romales.
Sir James: To foment insurrection with the fruit of the banana tree he will no longer.
Yeoman : First he tried to fund it with a specialist Fur trade, specialising in only one
Sir James : Mink or Sable ?
Yeoman: Nay, Just In Beaver ! He had intended to use app!es but another did beat
Him to it, opening many shops only selling that fruit .
Sir James: aye, Thine Apple store .
( the yeoman looks around the tavern )
Yeoman: Here ‘tis no longer safe for thee. Thine vessel doth depart within the hour.
Sir James: And aboard shall I be, though mine business here, soon like my doublet remains, yet undone.
(Sir James watches ye dancing maiden flounce off.)
Act 1, Scene 3. A boudoir. Sir James ist embracing ye dancing maiden.
Dancing Maiden: Ow! Thine weapon does dig into me.
Sir James: I thought that was the idea tonight- oh, I see what thou do mean.
Dancing Maiden: Must thou wear it always?
Sir James: A thousand pardons I crave, for its lack doth diminish me. (He hangs his flintlock by a bath.) Now...
(As they embrace, Sir James looks deeply into ye maiden’s eyes and doth see a varlet approaching from behind. They struggle, with the varlet reaching for the flintlock ....the varlet falling into the maiden's ablution barrel)
Sir James : Varlet, if thine be from a royal house would'st this be a Bath Knight ?
(Sir James doth overcome the varlet, with a pair of the maidens stockings, pushing him lower in the water )
Sir James : Seems you've reach the bottom of the barrel.
( Sir James retrieves his weapon and prepares to leave, returning the Maidens under garments )
Sir James: Stockings, positively Stockings. (Exits.)
just a couple of ideas.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
If it's okay, can I leap ahead a bit? I can't think what to do with the scene(s) between the golf game and the laser scene, ie the slow chase across Europe and meeting with Tilly, so I just left it blank.
Act 4, Scene 3. A field pitted with eight-and-ten holes.
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Sir James, wouldst thou like to play a round?
Sir James: Sometimes, aye, but thou art not mine type.
He of the Gilded Finger: Impart unto me thine intent, Sir James.
Sir James: Mine intent?
He of the Gilded Finger: To make sport thou didst not arrive.
Sir James: This glistering bar I do bring.
He of the Gilded Finger: Then play for it we shall. (They make sport. Sir James emerges victorious.)
He of the Gilded Finger: Twice have our paths crossed, Sir James. Let that sufficient be. Act 5, Scene 1. A villain’s lair. Sir James ist unconscious and tied to a table.
Sir James: ...oh do it harder, Felix... (Awakes.) Ah! ;%
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
He of the Gilded Finger: Here be gold, Sir James. Its lustre hath beguiled me, and I am bewitched by its spell.
Sir James: Thy point is most surely taken and for this demonstration I do offer mine thanks.
He of the Gilded Finger: With care must thee choose thine soonest saying, Naught Naught Seven, lest it be thine last.
Sir James: To speak shall I not, though thou shall anticipate it.
He of the Gilded Finger: I but anticipate thine death, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou art forgetting that Naught Naught Eight my place can take.
He of the Gilded Finger: Forsooth, more successful shall he be!
Sir James: Of what I know, he doth know.
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou knowest naught, Sir James.
Sir James: Ye Grande Slamme is of which I speak.
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou hast no ken of mine operations.
Sir James: This chance canst thee take?
He of the Gilded Finger: Hmm, thou art of more value alive, Sir James.
Any ideas? And of course any jokes in the above two scenes, which aren't very funny. (Also I don't know what to do about the laser)
Act 5, Scene 1. A villain’s lair. Sir James ist unconscious and tied to a table.
Sir James: ...oh do it harder, Felix... (Awakes.) Ah! ;%
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: But I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
He of the Gilded Finger: Here be gold, Sir James. Its lustre hath beguiled me, and I am bewitched by its spell. Look up above thine head, Sir James. (Sir James looks up to see a cauldron suspended over his feet.)
Sir James: And what might this be, He of the Gilded Finger? Hot oil, mayhap? Molten lead? Ah, nay, perhaps molten gold might be more your style.
He of the Gilded Finger: On thee I would not waste mine most precious gold! In this cauldron, which as thou canst see ist on a pulley controlled by ropes, is the output of the gents’ privy over the last two weeks.
Sir James: Art thou pissing me about?
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou will find out soon enough- urine for a most unpleasant death. (He signals to his man, Kirsch, and ye cauldron slowly tips over slightly. A stream of golden liquid falls between the feet of Sir James, and slowly begins to work its way up towards him.)
Sir James: Thy point is most surely taken and for this demonstration I do offer mine thanks.
He of the Gilded Finger: With care must thee choose thine soonest saying, Naught Naught Seven, lest it be thine last.
Sir James: To speak shall I not, though thou shall anticipate it.
He of the Gilded Finger: I but anticipate thine death, Sir James. (Ye vile stream gets ever closer to Sir James.)
Sir James: Thou art forgetting that Naught Naught Eight my place can take.
He of the Gilded Finger: Forsooth, more successful shall he be!
Sir James: Of what I know, he doth know.
He of the Gilded Finger: And what "he" sees, I see. That is, naught! Thou knowest naught, Sir James.
Sir James: Ye Grande Slamme is of which I speak.
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou hast no ken of mine operations.
Sir James: This chance canst thee take? (The liquid ist very close to Sir James, who ist very afraid.)
He of the Gilded Finger: Hmm, thou art of more value alive, Sir James. (He signals to Kirsch, who knocks Sir James out with a sandbag.)
Sir James follows the gilded carriage to Switzerland, bumping (literally) into Tilly en route. They squabble, separate, then meet GF's mute and oddly-named manservant/chauffeur/caddie.
I could write something but it wouldn't be inspired or funny.
(Yeah, it's never stopped me before, I know, but this is a revision to make it better and funnier.)
Act 5, Scene 1. A villain’s lair. Sir James ist unconscious and tied to a table.
Sir James: ...oh do it harder, Felix... (Awakes.) Ah!
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: But I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
He of the Gilded Finger: Nay, thee are but a lap dog to a Queen
Sir James: We don't talk about Dame Miles's attire !
He of the Gilded Finger: You have been recognised
Sir James: Tindr ?... Not Grindr, That was a mistake, I accidently hit accept ....
He of the Gilded Finger: Here be gold, Sir James. Its lustre hath beguiled me, and I am bewitched by its spell. Look up above thine head, Sir James.
(Sir James looks up to see a cauldron suspended over his feet.)
Sir James: And what might this be, He of the Gilded Finger? Hot oil, mayhap? Molten lead? Ah, nay, perhaps molten gold might be more your style.
He of the Gilded Finger: On thee I would not waste mine most precious gold! In this cauldron, which as thou canst see ist on a pulley controlled by ropes, is the output of the gents’ privy over the last two weeks.
Sir James : So you've been extracting the Urine ?
He of the Gilded Finger: Aye, Not so much a Goldeneye but a Golden Shower ! What's the difference between
a chickpea and a Lentil ? No ?...... well I wouldn't pay £20 for a lentil on my chest !
(He of the Gilded Finger, Laughs, at Sir James )
Sir James: Art thou pissing me about?
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou will find out soon enough- urine for a most unpleasant death, although
we shall have a nice rainbow to look at after.
(He signals to his man, Kirsch, and ye cauldron slowly tips over slightly. A stream of golden liquid falls between the feet of Sir James, and slowly begins to work its way up towards him.)
Sir James: Thy point is most surely taken and for this demonstration I do offer mine thanks.
He of the Gilded Finger: With care must thee choose thine soonest saying, Naught Naught Seven, lest it be thine last.
Sir James: To speak shall I not, though thou shall anticipate it.
He of the Gilded Finger: I but anticipate thine death, Sir James.
(Ye vile stream gets ever closer to Sir James.)
Sir James: Thou art forgetting that Naught Naught Eight my place can take.
He of the Gilded Finger: Forsooth, more successful shall he be!
Sir James: Of what I know, he doth know.
He of the Gilded Finger: And what "he" sees, I see. That is, naught! Thou knowest naught, Sir James.
Sir James: Ye Grande Slamme is of which I speak.
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou hast no ken of mine operations.
Sir James: This chance canst thee take?
(The liquid ist very close to Sir James, who ist very afraid.)
He of the Gilded Finger: Hmm, thou art of more value alive, Sir James.
(He signals to Kirsch, who knocks Sir James out with a sandbag.)
I don't know if the "Chickpea" joke is too rude ? ;%
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 4, Scene 3. A field pitted with eight-and-ten holes.
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Sir James, wouldst thou like to play a round?
Sir James: Sometimes, aye, but thou art not mine type.
He of the Gilded Finger: Impart unto me thine intent, Sir James.
Sir James: Mine intent?
He of the Gilded Finger: To make sport thou didst not arrive.
Sir James: This glistering bar I do bring.
He of the Gilded Finger: Then play for it we shall. (They make sport. Sir James emerges victorious.)
He of the Gilded Finger: Twice have our paths crossed, Sir James. Let that sufficient be.
Somehow Oddjob should be worked in (I'm finding that hard, since he has no dialogue) plus of course some more jokes.
About the "art not mine type".
There's something there. Like the Casino Royale "smart, single" we could do a similar one for Goldfinger.
Maybe when Sir James throws the bar to Goldfinger it hits Oddjob's toe a la Spy Who Loved Me.
Merely ideas, could be very much improved upon.
Comments
I've changed that slightly, the palace being beside a mountain rather than on it, so the beam from the mirror can be seen while Graves gives his speech.
See https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/869299/#p869299
That's all I've got for the moment- please feel free to rethink, rescript, and rework.
What does Miss Hap say to Zao? Certainly not "Your momma"...
Some extra lines when Graves demonstrates Icarus?
And of course more when Miss Hap slays the apothecary or Sir James chases Zao from the clinic.
Ouch. Haha Brilliant Barbel
last outing. they've all been fun.
I think my favourite is our take on LALD, and the worst is FYEO.
Great job, everyone -{.
Here's what I've been up to:
Act 1, Scene 1. A harbour. A duck swims across the water. As it nears ye shore, there is coughing and spluttering as a voice comes from beneath it.
Voice: This fowl idea was completely quackers.
(A figure rises under ye duck, it ist Sir James Bond. Apace, he throws ye stuffed duck aside and rises from the water to approach a wall where there ist a sign.)
Sir James: (Reading.) “Romales Fruits. Our bananas are a-peeling.” Good, this must be ye place.
(Sir James pulls a small crossbow from his doublet and fires an arrow with a rope attached. He scales ye wall, knocks out a guard, and finds himself surrounded by trees with yellow fruits.)
Sir James: Hmm, this ist where ye bananas art grown.
(Sir James places a barrel of gunpowder beneath a banana tree and slowly backs off, leaving a trail of gunpowder. Outside a tavern, he sets light to the trail.)
Act 1, Scene 2. A crowded tavern. Sir James enters, watching a maiden dance for ye customers. There ist a loud explosion and most of ye clientele flee. Sir James goes to ye bar beside a man who ist quietly drinking.
Yeoman: Praise be upon thee, Sir James, for thou hast fouled ye intent of Count Romales.
Sir James: To foment insurrection with the fruit of the banana tree he will no longer.
Yeoman: Here ‘tis no longer safe for thee. Thine vessel doth depart within the hour.
Sir James: And aboard shall I be, though mine business here be yet undone.
(Sir James watches ye dancing maiden flounce off.)
Act 1, Scene 3. A boudoir. Sir James ist embracing ye dancing maiden.
Dancing Maiden: Ow! Thine weapon does dig into me.
Sir James: I thought that was the idea tonight- oh, I see what thou do mean.
Dancing Maiden: Must thou wear it always?
Sir James: A thousand pardons I crave, for its lack doth diminish me. (He hangs his flintlock by a bath.) Now...
(As they embrace, Sir James looks deeply into ye maiden’s eyes and doth see a varlet approaching from behind. They struggle, and ye varlet ist overcome.)
Sir James: Most verily I am shocked. (Exits.)
Voice: This fowl idea was completely quackers.
(A figure rises under ye duck, it ist Sir James Bond. Apace, he throws ye stuffed duck aside and rises from the water to approach a wall where there ist a sign.)
Sir James: (Reading.) “Romales Fruits. Our bananas are a-peeling.” Good, this must be ye place.
With Romales as the head man or ....... Top Banana ?"
(Sir James pulls a small crossbow from his doublet and fires an arrow with a rope attached. He scales ye wall, knocks out a guard, and finds himself surrounded by trees with yellow fruits.)
Sir James: Hmm, this ist where ye bananas art grown.
(Sir James places a barrel of gunpowder beneath a banana tree and slowly backs off, leaving a trail of gunpowder. Outside a tavern, he sets light to the trail.)
Sir James: Now to be like'th a Banana myself and .......... Split !
Act 1, Scene 2. A crowded tavern. Sir James enters, watching a maiden dance for ye customers. There ist a loud explosion and most of ye clientele flee. Sir James goes to ye bar beside a man who ist quietly drinking.
Yeoman: Praise be upon thee, Sir James, for thou hast fouled ye intent of Count Romales.
Sir James: To foment insurrection with the fruit of the banana tree he will no longer.
Yeoman : First he tried to fund it with a specialist Fur trade, specialising in only one
Sir James : Mink or Sable ?
Yeoman: Nay, Just In Beaver ! He had intended to use app!es but another did beat
Him to it, opening many shops only selling that fruit .
Sir James: aye, Thine Apple store .
( the yeoman looks around the tavern )
Yeoman: Here ‘tis no longer safe for thee. Thine vessel doth depart within the hour.
Sir James: And aboard shall I be, though mine business here, soon like my doublet remains, yet undone.
(Sir James watches ye dancing maiden flounce off.)
Act 1, Scene 3. A boudoir. Sir James ist embracing ye dancing maiden.
Dancing Maiden: Ow! Thine weapon does dig into me.
Sir James: I thought that was the idea tonight- oh, I see what thou do mean.
Dancing Maiden: Must thou wear it always?
Sir James: A thousand pardons I crave, for its lack doth diminish me. (He hangs his flintlock by a bath.) Now...
(As they embrace, Sir James looks deeply into ye maiden’s eyes and doth see a varlet approaching from behind. They struggle, with the varlet reaching for the flintlock ....the varlet falling into the maiden's ablution barrel)
Sir James : Varlet, if thine be from a royal house would'st this be a Bath Knight ?
(Sir James doth overcome the varlet, with a pair of the maidens stockings, pushing him lower in the water )
Sir James : Seems you've reach the bottom of the barrel.
( Sir James retrieves his weapon and prepares to leave, returning the Maidens under garments )
Sir James: Stockings, positively Stockings. (Exits.)
just a couple of ideas.
(The "stockings" line is perfect
Act 4, Scene 3. A field pitted with eight-and-ten holes.
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Sir James, wouldst thou like to play a round?
Sir James: Sometimes, aye, but thou art not mine type.
He of the Gilded Finger: Impart unto me thine intent, Sir James.
Sir James: Mine intent?
He of the Gilded Finger: To make sport thou didst not arrive.
Sir James: This glistering bar I do bring.
He of the Gilded Finger: Then play for it we shall.
(They make sport. Sir James emerges victorious.)
He of the Gilded Finger: Twice have our paths crossed, Sir James. Let that sufficient be.
Act 5, Scene 1. A villain’s lair. Sir James ist unconscious and tied to a table.
Sir James: ...oh do it harder, Felix... (Awakes.) Ah! ;%
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
He of the Gilded Finger: Here be gold, Sir James. Its lustre hath beguiled me, and I am bewitched by its spell.
Sir James: Thy point is most surely taken and for this demonstration I do offer mine thanks.
He of the Gilded Finger: With care must thee choose thine soonest saying, Naught Naught Seven, lest it be thine last.
Sir James: To speak shall I not, though thou shall anticipate it.
He of the Gilded Finger: I but anticipate thine death, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou art forgetting that Naught Naught Eight my place can take.
He of the Gilded Finger: Forsooth, more successful shall he be!
Sir James: Of what I know, he doth know.
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou knowest naught, Sir James.
Sir James: Ye Grande Slamme is of which I speak.
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou hast no ken of mine operations.
Sir James: This chance canst thee take?
He of the Gilded Finger: Hmm, thou art of more value alive, Sir James.
Any ideas? And of course any jokes in the above two scenes, which aren't very funny. (Also I don't know what to do about the laser)
Another liquid be yellow ;%.
"Of what I know, he doth know."
"And what "he" sees, I see. That is, naught!"
(he, meaning he of the gilded finger. inspired by skyfall)
Act 5, Scene 1. A villain’s lair. Sir James ist unconscious and tied to a table.
Sir James: ...oh do it harder, Felix... (Awakes.) Ah! ;%
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: But I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
He of the Gilded Finger: Here be gold, Sir James. Its lustre hath beguiled me, and I am bewitched by its spell. Look up above thine head, Sir James.
(Sir James looks up to see a cauldron suspended over his feet.)
Sir James: And what might this be, He of the Gilded Finger? Hot oil, mayhap? Molten lead? Ah, nay, perhaps molten gold might be more your style.
He of the Gilded Finger: On thee I would not waste mine most precious gold! In this cauldron, which as thou canst see ist on a pulley controlled by ropes, is the output of the gents’ privy over the last two weeks.
Sir James: Art thou pissing me about?
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou will find out soon enough- urine for a most unpleasant death.
(He signals to his man, Kirsch, and ye cauldron slowly tips over slightly. A stream of golden liquid falls between the feet of Sir James, and slowly begins to work its way up towards him.)
Sir James: Thy point is most surely taken and for this demonstration I do offer mine thanks.
He of the Gilded Finger: With care must thee choose thine soonest saying, Naught Naught Seven, lest it be thine last.
Sir James: To speak shall I not, though thou shall anticipate it.
He of the Gilded Finger: I but anticipate thine death, Sir James.
(Ye vile stream gets ever closer to Sir James.)
Sir James: Thou art forgetting that Naught Naught Eight my place can take.
He of the Gilded Finger: Forsooth, more successful shall he be!
Sir James: Of what I know, he doth know.
He of the Gilded Finger: And what "he" sees, I see. That is, naught! Thou knowest naught, Sir James.
Sir James: Ye Grande Slamme is of which I speak.
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou hast no ken of mine operations.
Sir James: This chance canst thee take?
(The liquid ist very close to Sir James, who ist very afraid.)
He of the Gilded Finger: Hmm, thou art of more value alive, Sir James.
(He signals to Kirsch, who knocks Sir James out with a sandbag.)
I'm sure there's scope for more urine jokes!
Sir James follows the gilded carriage to Switzerland, bumping (literally) into Tilly en route. They squabble, separate, then meet GF's mute and oddly-named manservant/chauffeur/caddie.
I could write something but it wouldn't be inspired or funny.
(Yeah, it's never stopped me before, I know, but this is a revision to make it better and funnier.)
Sir James: ...oh do it harder, Felix... (Awakes.) Ah!
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: But I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
He of the Gilded Finger: Nay, thee are but a lap dog to a Queen
Sir James: We don't talk about Dame Miles's attire !
He of the Gilded Finger: You have been recognised
Sir James: Tindr ?... Not Grindr, That was a mistake, I accidently hit accept ....
He of the Gilded Finger: Here be gold, Sir James. Its lustre hath beguiled me, and I am bewitched by its spell. Look up above thine head, Sir James.
(Sir James looks up to see a cauldron suspended over his feet.)
Sir James: And what might this be, He of the Gilded Finger? Hot oil, mayhap? Molten lead? Ah, nay, perhaps molten gold might be more your style.
He of the Gilded Finger: On thee I would not waste mine most precious gold! In this cauldron, which as thou canst see ist on a pulley controlled by ropes, is the output of the gents’ privy over the last two weeks.
Sir James : So you've been extracting the Urine ?
He of the Gilded Finger: Aye, Not so much a Goldeneye but a Golden Shower ! What's the difference between
a chickpea and a Lentil ? No ?...... well I wouldn't pay £20 for a lentil on my chest !
(He of the Gilded Finger, Laughs, at Sir James )
Sir James: Art thou pissing me about?
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou will find out soon enough- urine for a most unpleasant death, although
we shall have a nice rainbow to look at after.
(He signals to his man, Kirsch, and ye cauldron slowly tips over slightly. A stream of golden liquid falls between the feet of Sir James, and slowly begins to work its way up towards him.)
Sir James: Thy point is most surely taken and for this demonstration I do offer mine thanks.
He of the Gilded Finger: With care must thee choose thine soonest saying, Naught Naught Seven, lest it be thine last.
Sir James: To speak shall I not, though thou shall anticipate it.
He of the Gilded Finger: I but anticipate thine death, Sir James.
(Ye vile stream gets ever closer to Sir James.)
Sir James: Thou art forgetting that Naught Naught Eight my place can take.
He of the Gilded Finger: Forsooth, more successful shall he be!
Sir James: Of what I know, he doth know.
He of the Gilded Finger: And what "he" sees, I see. That is, naught! Thou knowest naught, Sir James.
Sir James: Ye Grande Slamme is of which I speak.
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou hast no ken of mine operations.
Sir James: This chance canst thee take?
(The liquid ist very close to Sir James, who ist very afraid.)
He of the Gilded Finger: Hmm, thou art of more value alive, Sir James.
(He signals to Kirsch, who knocks Sir James out with a sandbag.)
I don't know if the "Chickpea" joke is too rude ? ;%
Act 4, Scene 3. A field pitted with eight-and-ten holes.
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Sir James, wouldst thou like to play a round?
Sir James: Sometimes, aye, but thou art not mine type.
He of the Gilded Finger: Impart unto me thine intent, Sir James.
Sir James: Mine intent?
He of the Gilded Finger: To make sport thou didst not arrive.
Sir James: This glistering bar I do bring.
He of the Gilded Finger: Then play for it we shall.
(They make sport. Sir James emerges victorious.)
He of the Gilded Finger: Twice have our paths crossed, Sir James. Let that sufficient be.
Somehow Oddjob should be worked in (I'm finding that hard, since he has no dialogue) plus of course some more jokes.
There's something there. Like the Casino Royale "smart, single" we could do a similar one for Goldfinger.
Maybe when Sir James throws the bar to Goldfinger it hits Oddjob's toe a la Spy Who Loved Me.
Merely ideas, could be very much improved upon.