Sir James: Sometimes, aye, but thou art not mine type.
He of the Gilded Finger: Rich?
Sir James: Nay, male!
???? Could be improved.
" Fat? "
" Nay, German. "
It's evul, I know but if we were going to pull a literary Bond...
Could definitely be improved.
For the original one...
" Thine sources tell me otherwise... "
" ;%. Not bad, I like this game. "
" Impart unto me thine intent, Sir James. "
etcetera...etcetera...
Still, lacks punch.
Sir James: Sometimes, aye, but thou art not mine type.
He of the Gilded Finger: Here take my card, I'm staying at the Fontainebleau.....
.... No pressure. Number 343
Sir James: Your suite ?
He of the Gilded Finger: See, you're coming round already !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 4, Scene 3. A field pitted with eight-and-ten holes.
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Sir James, wouldst thou like to play a round?
Sir James: Sometimes, aye, but thou art not mine type.
He of the Gilded Finger: Mine sources tell me otherwise...
Sir James: ;% Not bad, I like this game.
He of the Gilded Finger: Here take my card, I'm staying at the Fontainebleau.... No pressure. Number 343
Sir James: Your suite?
He of the Gilded Finger: See, you're coming round already! Impart unto me thine intent, Sir James.
Sir James: Mine intent?
He of the Gilded Finger: To make sport thou didst not arrive.
Sir James: This glistering bar I do bring. (Sir James throws ye bar of gold to the ground, hitting Oddjob's foot.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Sir James: Oh, sorry old chap.
He of the Gilded Finger: Then play for this bar we shall. I shalt stake ye cash equivalent. (They play around, er, play a round. Sir James emerges victorious. Annoyed, He of the Gilded Finger hands his putter to Oddjob who snaps it easily with one hand.)
Sir James: Remarkable.
He of the Gilded Finger: Oh 'tis nothing, Sir James- I own the club. Twice have our paths crossed, Sir James. Let that sufficient be. (He heads off to his carriage, which of course ist gilded. Sir James follows at a discreet distance.)
(In ye carriage supplied by ye Old Wizard, Sir James follows the gilded carriage across Europe. At one point, a smaller carriage dirven by a pretty maiden doth overtake him. Sir James almost chases after, then remembers his discipline. High in ye mountains of Switzerland, ye gilded carriage draws to a halt as He of the Gilded Finger stops to buy some fruit, lentils and chickpeas. As Sir James observes, an arrow narrowly misses him. Ye pretty maiden's carriage passes by, and apace Sir James follows. He doth force her off the road.)
Sir James: Art thee all right?
Maiden: Aye, but no thanks to thee! Lo, regard mine carriage! 'Tis ruined!
Sir James: Fear not, fair maiden, for I shalt be only too pleased to give thee a ride. I am he who ist called-
Maiden: With all speed, I prithee. (They enter ye carriage of Sir James and drive off.)
Sir James: And how may I call thee?
Maiden: Thou may know me as Maiden Tilly... er... St John Smythe. (Sir James notices that her baggage ist stamped "TM".)
Sir James: Hmm...
Maiden Tilly: Ah, there ist a boarding house- thou canst drop me here.
Sir James: But of course.
(Later, Sir James ist outside a factory. Ye sign reads "Gilded Finger Enterprises. Perfectly Normal Stuff Going On Here." He approaches ye fence, but trips over someone lying on the grass.)
Maiden Tilly: Ow! Watch where thou art putting thine feet!
Sir James: Maiden Tilly- what art thou doing here?
Maiden Tilly: I doth try to slay He of the Gilded Finger- he did kill mine sister!
Sir James: "TM".... Tilly Masterson!
Maiden Tilly: Nay, Masterton- that was only ever a typo. (An arrow flies between them. Sir James turns to see Oddjob and several armed men.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Sir James: Run for it, Tilly, to mine carriage I prithee! (They run to Sir James' carriage, but Tilly ist slain when Oddjob throws his hat at her neck. Shocked, Sir James ist captured and knocked out.)
Sir James: Impart unto me thine name, fair damsel.
Pussy: Pussy Galore am I.
Sir James: Most verily ‘tis true, though thine name I seek.
Pussy: I am in the personal service of He of the Gilded Finger.
Sir James: I wouldst know how personal that may be.
Pussy: His winged chariots I doth drive, exceeding well. Period.
Sir James: And where may we be headed now?
Pussy: Thee will find out soon enough, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith.
Pussy: To thine charms I am immune.
Sir James: Alas, for thou art so kind and funny and beautiful.
Pussy: Thou art merely trying to get me to bed.
Sir James: Hey, thou art smart, too!
No takers? Well, perhaps someone can come up with an idea or two to improve the ending, which I frankly admit is sparse and unsatisfactory.
Act 9, Scene 2. A coffer of great riches.
Sir James: Art thou not tempted by all this gold, He of the Gilded Finger?
He of the Gilded Finger: Most surely, but alack such does not fit my plan.
Sir James: And what now?
He of the Gilded Finger: In this instance thou art exactly where I doth desire, Sir James.
Sir James: Till thine manservant a fuse doth blow.
He of the Gilded Finger: Goodbye, Sir James. (Exits.) Act 10, Scene 4. High above another sea.
He of the Gilded Finger: With mine plans hast thou interfered for a final time, Sir James. (Exits in great haste through window.)
Sir James: With thine gilded harp shalt thou play.
(In a schoolhouse, far away, a class ist being taught.)
Mrs Whistler: Today, children, ye shalt know what “C” stands for. It stands for- (Enter Joshua.)
Joshua: Two men await thee, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Gentlemen, I be sure, Joshua.
Joshua: Indeed. Wouldst thou like me to tell about ye political situation in-
Mrs Whistler: Perhaps later. (She doth enter an office, where Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint await.)
Yeoman Kidd: Greetings, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Most pleasant it is to see thee, gentlemen, and where shalt I be travelling to?
Yeoman Wint: To ye Netherlands. (He hands her a small purse.)
Mrs Whistler: Excellent, I thank’ee.
I'd forgotten we were still "Tidying up" some scenes ;%
Act 6, Scene 1. High above the sea.
Sir James: Impart unto me thine name, fair damsel.
Pussy: Pussy Galore am I.
Sir James: Most verily ‘tis true, though thine name I seek.... Many
Maids hath given mine doublet a nickname of thy Burger king !
Pussy : For why ?
Sir James: as it beith the home of the whopper !
Pussy: I am in the personal service of He of the Gilded Finger.
Sir James: I wouldst know how personal that may be.
Pussy: His winged chariots I doth drive, exceeding well. Period.
Sir James: And where may we be headed now?
Pussy: Thee will find out soon enough, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith.
Pussy: To thine charms I am immune.
Sir James: Alas, for thou art so kind and funny and beautiful.
Pussy: Thou art merely trying to get me to bed.
Sir James: Hey, thou art smart, too!
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
This scene could do with a bit of revising- for example, a tasteful joke about
might help, plus a chase at the end.
Act 2, Scene 2. Beside a pool. Sir James ist captured.
Major Gonzales: In mine hands thou art, Sir James, I do recognise thee from thine flintlock. Thou shalt be- (Major Gonzales ist slain by an arrow.)
Melina: Come with me, Sir James.
Sir James: Most certainly I shalt. I trust a carriage ye doth have for mine has been lain waste to.
Melina: Mine donkey ist yonder.
Sir James: ..... (They ride off, pursued by Gonzales’ men.)
Sir James: ‘Tis a trifle slow, methinks.
Melina: Then wouldst thee like to take mine ass?
Sir James:
Act 2, Scene 2. Beside a pool. Sir James ist captured by Major Gonzales' men, some dressed in tasteful swimsuits.
Major Gonzales: In mine hands thou art, Sir James, I do recognise thee from thine flintlock. Thou shalt be- (Major Gonzales ist slain by an arrow. Sir James runs off, to meet a beauteous maiden.)
Melina: Come with me, Sir James. (Sir James ducks an arrow.)
Sir James: Most certainly I shalt. I trust a carriage ye doth have, for mine hast been lain waste to.
Melina: Mine donkey ist yonder.
Sir James: ..... Ah... (They ride off, pursued by Gonzales’ men. And women.)
Sir James: ‘Tis a trifle slow, methinks.
Melina: Perhaps thee wouldst like to take charge of mine ass?
Sir James:
Act 2, Scene 2. Beside a pool. Sir James ist captured by Major Gonzales' men, some dressed in tasteful swimsuits.
Major Gonzales: In mine hands thou art, Sir James, I do recognise thee from thine flintlock. Thou shalt be-
Sir James: pardon, I'll be ..... ?
(Major Gonzales ist slain by an arrow. Sir James runs off, to meet a beauteous maiden.)
Melina: Come with me, Sir James.
(Sir James ducks an arrow.)
Sir James: Most certainly I shalt. I trust a carriage ye doth have, for mine hast been lain waste to.
Melina: Mine donkey ist yonder.
Sir James: ..... Ah...
(They ride off, pursued by Gonzales’ men. And women.)
Sir James: ‘Tis a trifle slow, methinks.
Melina: you be'ist behind. Smack my ass!
Sir James; t'would be mine pleasure.
( Before being struck, the ass speeds up )
Sir James ; he be'ith a smart ass.
Melina: Perhaps thee wouldst like to take charge of mine ass?
Sir James: after dinner and drinks perhaps, but first let's Haul Ass.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Just a suggestion, all donations gratefully accepted {[]
One idea is that after the first arrow and Bond asking for an answer ..... A second guard could
Say " my master said he was going to ...... " Only to be hit by a second arrow. With Sir James
Getting annoyed no one was answering him. ? A third guard on seeing the arrow could say
Something like " look at that deadly shaft " with sir James answering " why thank you my
Good man, many have admired it "
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 2, Scene 2. Beside a pool. Sir James ist captured by Major Gonzales’ men, some dressed in tasteful swimsuits.
Major Gonzales: In mine hands thou art, Sir James, I do recognise thee from thine flintlock. Thou shalt be- (Major Gonzales ist slain by an arrow. )
Sir James: Pardon, I shalt be...?
First Guard: My master said he was going to- (Ye guard ist slain by a second arrow.)
Sir James: What? Will no-one tell me?
Second Guard: Look at yon deadly shaft!
Sir James: Why, I thank’ee, my good man, many have admired it. (Sir James runs off, to meet a beauteous maiden.)
Melina: Come with me, apace. (Sir James ducks an arrow.)
Sir James: Most certainly I shalt. I trust a carriage ye doth have, for mine hast been lain waste to.
Melina: Mine donkey ist yonder.
Sir James: ..... Ah... (They ride off, pursued by Gonzales’ men. And women.)
Sir James: ‘Tis a trifle slow, methinks.
Melina: Thou be'est behind. Smack my ass!
Sir James: (Raises eyebrow as only he can.) T'would be mine pleasure. (Before being struck, ye ass speeds up.)
Sir James: He be'eth a smart ass.
Melina: Perhaps thee wouldst like to take charge of mine ass?
Sir James: After dinner and drinks perhaps, but first let's Haul Ass.
(Later, in a boarding house.)
Sir James: Methinks ‘tis time we were introduced. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Melina: Mine name is Melina.
Sir James: Well named, for thou art certainly a honey. I prithee, why didst thou slay Gonzales?
Melina: For revenge- he didst kill mine parents.
Sir James: So, thou art ye daughter of ye Havelocks! And now thou shalt return to Greece?
Melina: Nay, for this business remains unfinished. I shalt go after the man I didst see paying Gonzales.
Sir James: That ist a treacherous path, Melina. The Chinese have a saying: “Man who jump off cliff, leap to conclusion.”
Melina: Huh?
Sir James: Oh, pardon, wrong saying: “Before thou set out on revenge, thou must dig two graves.”
Melina: “Man who keep feet on ground, have trouble putting on trousers.”
Sir James: “Girl who eat prunes, get good run for her money.”
Melina: Hmm, I do start to feel hungry.
(Later, in a boarding house.)
Sir James: Methinks ‘tis time we were introduced. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Melina: Mine name is Melina.
Sir James: Well named, for thou art certainly a honey. I prithee, why didst thou slay Gonzales?
Melina: For revenge- he didst kill mine parents.
Sir James: So, thou art ye daughter of ye Havelocks! And now thou shalt return to Greece?
Melina: Nay, for this business remains unfinished. I shalt go after the man I didst see paying Gonzales.
Sir James: That ist a treacherous path, Melina. The Chinese have a saying: “Man who jump off cliff, leap to conclusion.”
Melina: Huh?
Sir James: Oh, pardon, wrong saying: “Before thou set out on revenge, thou must dig two graves.”
Melina: “Man who keep feet on ground, have trouble putting on trousers.”
Sir James: “Girl who eat prunes, get good run for her money.”
Melina: Hmm, I do start to feel hungry
Sir James : Date ? ( Sir James offers a bowl of dates )
Melina: Maybe later after this beith finished, but I am Melina Judy Havelock, daughter to my murdered parents
Aunt to an obnoxious nephew, keeper of a season ticket to Hull Rovers and owner of a Haynes manual to a
81 compact carriage ............ and I shall have my revenge in this life or the next !
Sir James: Great tramp stamp, it looks clear, we can make speed to the harbour .and remind me to tell thee about only living Twice.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 2, Scene 3. Sir James enters ye Old Wizard’s lair, pausing to speak to an assistant tinkering with an armband.
Sir James: Greetings, Fett, how’s the charm?
Fett: It’s worth a lot to me.
Sir James: Sure I am it will come in handy.
Fett: As you wish.
Sir James: I seek thine help, Old Wizard, for I am in search of a varlet.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. See this collapsible Chinese cooking tool?
Sir James: Chinese cooking tool? Thou do jest, Old Wizard!
Old Wizard: N'er do I jest about my wok, Naught Naught Seven. Now, in mine crystal ball I shall find the one thou doth seek. Impart unto me his features.
Sir James: His nose like a banana is shaped.
Old Wizard: Easier than I had anticipated this doth be. Now, look ye in mine crystal ball... Ah, his name ist Locque and thee will find him in Capri... nay, Cortina.
Sir James: I do not wish to know what kind of carriage he drives, I want to know where I can find him!
Old Wizard: 8-) In ye north of Italy, Naught Naught Seven...
I'm doing a running joke, based of course on the Q scene in GF, on "Thou do jest... Ne'er do I jest about..." trying to have as many bad puns as possible on the word "work". There are a few already in place.
Visconte Kristatos: Greetings, mine friend Ferrara hast said thou did wish to see me?
Sir James: Hail to thee, Visconte Kristatos, I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. I do seek a varlet known as Locque.
Visconte Kristatos: Locque? He ist in ye employ of mine rival, Visconte Columbo.
Sir James: Impart to me his whereabouts, I prithee.
Visconte Kristatos: This I shalt endeavour to discover. (A young girl skates up beside them.)
Visconte Kristatos: Ah, Sir James, I prithee greet mine protégée Baby Doll.
Baby Doll: Most tired am I, mine uncle, ‘tis time for mine nap. And milk and cookies.
Visconte Kristatos: Nay, Baby, thou must practice longer.
Baby Doll: And I do wish to go to a concert tonight, by Sir Justin of Bieber.
Visconte Kristatos: (Shudders.) Ah, nay, for I must see to business. Perhaps Sir James could take thee?
Sir James: Pardon? Oh, er, I have to walk my hair... wash the dog...
Visconte Kristatos: ...and afterwards I shalt give thee the information thou doth desire.
Sir James: Very well...
Visconte Kristatos: Greetings, mine friend Ferrara hast said thou did wish to see me?
Sir James: Hail to thee, Visconte Kristatos, I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. He tells me
You be an Anglophile ...
Visconte Kristatos : Those charges were never proven
Sir James : I do seek a Varlet known as Locque.
Visconte Kristatos: Locque? He ist in ye employ of mine rival, Visconte Columbo.
Sir James: the colonies famous sheriff ?
ViscontevKristatos: nay, he be Colombo
Visconte Kristatos: would'st you care to join me in some gluhein ?
Sir James : nay, I'd hate to get wet ant it doth like there be'ith only room for one.
Visconte Kristatos: very well, please thy self. It's all the rage here.
Sir James: Impart to me his whereabouts, I prithee.
Visconte Kristatos: This I shalt endeavour to discover.
(A young girl skates up beside them.)
Visconte Kristatos: Ah, Sir James, I prithee greet mine protégée Baby Doll.
Baby Doll: Most tired am I, mine uncle, ‘tis time for mine nap. And milk and cookies.
Visconte Kristatos: Nay, Baby, thou must practice longer. To be assured of a Gold
Medallion. We don't have Tsar Putin's medicine alchemist to help.
Baby Doll: And I do wish to go to a concert tonight, by Sir Justin of Bieber.
Visconte Kristatos: (Shudders.) Ah, nay, for I must see to business. Perhaps Sir James could take thee?
Sir James: Pardon? Oh, er, I have to walk my hair... wash the dog...
Visconte Kristatos: better I would feel, knowing she had protection.
Baby doll: Have you been looking in my purse again they weren't mine, I was only holding
Them for a girlfriend.
Visconte Kristatos: eh ?
Baby doll: nothing .......
Visconte Kristatos: Well Sir James ?
Sir James: I would be happy to escort this young innocent maid ....
( Baby Doll winks at Sir James and Blows him .................... A kiss )
Sir James : ..... Although I be more a Sir Ed Sheeran fan.
Visconte Kristatos: ...and afterwards I shalt give thee the information thou doth desire.
Sir James: Very well
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 2, Scene 3. Sir James enters ye Old Wizard’s lair, pausing to speak to an assistant tinkering with an armband.
Sir James: Greetings, Fett, how’s the charm?
Fett: It’s worth a lot to me, it be'ith to increase sexual stamina
Sir James: Sure I am it will come in handy.
Fett: It's certainly made my arm go Stiff.
Sir James: I seek thine help, Old Wizard, for I am in search of a varlet.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. See this collapsible Chinese cooking tool?
Sir James: Chinese cooking tool? Thou do jest, Old Wizard!
Old Wizard: N'er do I jest about my wok, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James : Aye, many hath said it be " Wok around the clock " with thee
Old Wizard:Now, in mine crystal ball I shall find the one thou doth seek. Impart unto me his features.
Sir James: His nose like a banana is shaped.
Old Wizard: Nay nothing. More infomation be needed.
Sir James : Eyes two, blue, ... a deep blue. the sort of blue that hints at a sexual indescretion,
offering both friendship and more, perhaps weekends antiquing and evenings at the Knight's
dancing taverns, .... Hair light brown or more a lustrous Auburn, fashionably cut with the
use of obviously good grooming products ... and even through his doublet you could tell he doth
look after his body, great skin tone and a firmness that only comes from hours of Gym work ...
a wide generous mouth, that both promised, passion and tenderness but with a hint of cruelity.
................ Although Honestly Old Wizard, I hardly noticed him.
Old Wizard: Easier than I had anticipated this doth be. Now, look ye in mine crystal ball... Ah, his name ist Locque and thee will find him in Capri... nay, Cortina.
Sir James: I do not wish to know what kind of carriage he drives, I want to know where I can find him!
Old Wizard: 8-) In ye north of Italy, Naught Naught Seven...
Sir James: Then I will leave the locking up to thee, but could I have one of those armband Charms before I take my leave ?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 3, Scene 2. (Sir James and Baby Doll doth walk through through ye snow.)
Baby Doll: I thank’ee, Sir James, for escorting me to ye concert. Was Sir Justin not wonderful? (Sir James keeps on walking.) I said, was not Sir Justin ye dreamiest? (Sir James does not reply.) Sir James!!!!
Sir James: Oh, thine pardon I crave. I did forget to take out mine earplugs- I think ‘tis safe now.
Baby Doll: Oh, look ye, ‘tis Erich von Kriegler, ye skiing champion of all Prussia! Is he not ye dreamiest?
Sir James: Fickle thou art, Baby!
Baby Doll: He ist most fit! He does not drink... does not smoke... does not make love.
Sir James: Hm, what does he do?
(Later, at an eating place.)
Visconte Kristatos: And what wouldst thou have to eat, Sir James? I recommend ye donkey balls, or ye chicken feet perhaps?
Sir James: If thou willst forgive me, I do find that a trifle slimy and scented for mine palate.
Visconte Kristatos: At yonder table, eating ye stuffed sheep's head, sits Visconte Columbo.
Sir James: And with him, yon most fair lady?
Visconte Kristatos: Ah, ye Contessa Lisl. Not sure about her- from ye colonies, never far from him.
Contessa Lisl: Thou art a disgusting man! Do not talk to me like that!
Visconte Columbo: To thee I shalt speak any way I doth please. (Ye Contessa leaves, pausing briefly to look upon Sir James.)
Sir James: A damsel in distress! My turf, I do believe.
Visconte Kristatos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4F4qzPbcFiA
Sir James: If thou playest ye odds... (Sir James doth follow ye Contessa.)
Comments
He of the Gilded Finger: Rich?
Sir James: Nay, male!
???? Could be improved.
" Nay, German. "
It's evul, I know but if we were going to pull a literary Bond...
Could definitely be improved.
For the original one...
" Thine sources tell me otherwise... "
" ;%. Not bad, I like this game. "
" Impart unto me thine intent, Sir James. "
etcetera...etcetera...
Still, lacks punch.
He of the Gilded Finger: Here take my card, I'm staying at the Fontainebleau.....
.... No pressure. Number 343
Sir James: Your suite ?
He of the Gilded Finger: See, you're coming round already !
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Sir James, wouldst thou like to play a round?
Sir James: Sometimes, aye, but thou art not mine type.
He of the Gilded Finger: Mine sources tell me otherwise...
Sir James: ;% Not bad, I like this game.
He of the Gilded Finger: Here take my card, I'm staying at the Fontainebleau.... No pressure. Number 343
Sir James: Your suite?
He of the Gilded Finger: See, you're coming round already! Impart unto me thine intent, Sir James.
Sir James: Mine intent?
He of the Gilded Finger: To make sport thou didst not arrive.
Sir James: This glistering bar I do bring.
(Sir James throws ye bar of gold to the ground, hitting Oddjob's foot.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Sir James: Oh, sorry old chap.
He of the Gilded Finger: Then play for this bar we shall. I shalt stake ye cash equivalent.
(They play around, er, play a round. Sir James emerges victorious. Annoyed, He of the Gilded Finger hands his putter to Oddjob who snaps it easily with one hand.)
Sir James: Remarkable.
He of the Gilded Finger: Oh 'tis nothing, Sir James- I own the club. Twice have our paths crossed, Sir James. Let that sufficient be.
(He heads off to his carriage, which of course ist gilded. Sir James follows at a discreet distance.)
Combining TP's and DP's ideas.
(In ye carriage supplied by ye Old Wizard, Sir James follows the gilded carriage across Europe. At one point, a smaller carriage dirven by a pretty maiden doth overtake him. Sir James almost chases after, then remembers his discipline. High in ye mountains of Switzerland, ye gilded carriage draws to a halt as He of the Gilded Finger stops to buy some fruit, lentils and chickpeas. As Sir James observes, an arrow narrowly misses him. Ye pretty maiden's carriage passes by, and apace Sir James follows. He doth force her off the road.)
Sir James: Art thee all right?
Maiden: Aye, but no thanks to thee! Lo, regard mine carriage! 'Tis ruined!
Sir James: Fear not, fair maiden, for I shalt be only too pleased to give thee a ride. I am he who ist called-
Maiden: With all speed, I prithee.
(They enter ye carriage of Sir James and drive off.)
Sir James: And how may I call thee?
Maiden: Thou may know me as Maiden Tilly... er... St John Smythe.
(Sir James notices that her baggage ist stamped "TM".)
Sir James: Hmm...
Maiden Tilly: Ah, there ist a boarding house- thou canst drop me here.
Sir James: But of course.
(Later, Sir James ist outside a factory. Ye sign reads "Gilded Finger Enterprises. Perfectly Normal Stuff Going On Here." He approaches ye fence, but trips over someone lying on the grass.)
Maiden Tilly: Ow! Watch where thou art putting thine feet!
Sir James: Maiden Tilly- what art thou doing here?
Maiden Tilly: I doth try to slay He of the Gilded Finger- he did kill mine sister!
Sir James: "TM".... Tilly Masterson!
Maiden Tilly: Nay, Masterton- that was only ever a typo.
(An arrow flies between them. Sir James turns to see Oddjob and several armed men.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Sir James: Run for it, Tilly, to mine carriage I prithee!
(They run to Sir James' carriage, but Tilly ist slain when Oddjob throws his hat at her neck. Shocked, Sir James ist captured and knocked out.)
Act 6, Scene 1. High above the sea.
Sir James: Impart unto me thine name, fair damsel.
Pussy: Pussy Galore am I.
Sir James: Most verily ‘tis true, though thine name I seek.
Pussy: I am in the personal service of He of the Gilded Finger.
Sir James: I wouldst know how personal that may be.
Pussy: His winged chariots I doth drive, exceeding well. Period.
Sir James: And where may we be headed now?
Pussy: Thee will find out soon enough, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith.
Pussy: To thine charms I am immune.
Sir James: Alas, for thou art so kind and funny and beautiful.
Pussy: Thou art merely trying to get me to bed.
Sir James: Hey, thou art smart, too!
Act 9, Scene 2. A coffer of great riches.
Sir James: Art thou not tempted by all this gold, He of the Gilded Finger?
He of the Gilded Finger: Most surely, but alack such does not fit my plan.
Sir James: And what now?
He of the Gilded Finger: In this instance thou art exactly where I doth desire, Sir James.
Sir James: Till thine manservant a fuse doth blow.
He of the Gilded Finger: Goodbye, Sir James. (Exits.)
Act 10, Scene 4. High above another sea.
He of the Gilded Finger: With mine plans hast thou interfered for a final time, Sir James.
(Exits in great haste through window.)
Sir James: With thine gilded harp shalt thou play.
(In a schoolhouse, far away, a class ist being taught.)
Mrs Whistler: Today, children, ye shalt know what “C” stands for. It stands for-
(Enter Joshua.)
Joshua: Two men await thee, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Gentlemen, I be sure, Joshua.
Joshua: Indeed. Wouldst thou like me to tell about ye political situation in-
Mrs Whistler: Perhaps later.
(She doth enter an office, where Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint await.)
Yeoman Kidd: Greetings, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Most pleasant it is to see thee, gentlemen, and where shalt I be travelling to?
Yeoman Wint: To ye Netherlands. (He hands her a small purse.)
Mrs Whistler: Excellent, I thank’ee.
Act 6, Scene 1. High above the sea.
Sir James: Impart unto me thine name, fair damsel.
Pussy: Pussy Galore am I.
Sir James: Most verily ‘tis true, though thine name I seek.... Many
Maids hath given mine doublet a nickname of thy Burger king !
Pussy : For why ?
Sir James: as it beith the home of the whopper !
Pussy: I am in the personal service of He of the Gilded Finger.
Sir James: I wouldst know how personal that may be.
Pussy: His winged chariots I doth drive, exceeding well. Period.
Sir James: And where may we be headed now?
Pussy: Thee will find out soon enough, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith.
Pussy: To thine charms I am immune.
Sir James: Alas, for thou art so kind and funny and beautiful.
Pussy: Thou art merely trying to get me to bed.
Sir James: Hey, thou art smart, too!
I've been adding in a few lines or pics regularly, usually to the weaker ones. All help and any ideas gratefully received!
might help, plus a chase at the end.
Act 2, Scene 2. Beside a pool. Sir James ist captured.
Major Gonzales: In mine hands thou art, Sir James, I do recognise thee from thine flintlock. Thou shalt be-
(Major Gonzales ist slain by an arrow.)
Melina: Come with me, Sir James.
Sir James: Most certainly I shalt. I trust a carriage ye doth have for mine has been lain waste to.
Melina: Mine donkey ist yonder.
Sir James: .....
(They ride off, pursued by Gonzales’ men.)
Sir James: ‘Tis a trifle slow, methinks.
Melina: Then wouldst thee like to take mine ass?
Sir James:
Act 2, Scene 2. Beside a pool. Sir James ist captured by Major Gonzales' men, some dressed in tasteful swimsuits.
Major Gonzales: In mine hands thou art, Sir James, I do recognise thee from thine flintlock. Thou shalt be-
(Major Gonzales ist slain by an arrow. Sir James runs off, to meet a beauteous maiden.)
Melina: Come with me, Sir James.
(Sir James ducks an arrow.)
Sir James: Most certainly I shalt. I trust a carriage ye doth have, for mine hast been lain waste to.
Melina: Mine donkey ist yonder.
Sir James: ..... Ah...
(They ride off, pursued by Gonzales’ men. And women.)
Sir James: ‘Tis a trifle slow, methinks.
Melina: Perhaps thee wouldst like to take charge of mine ass?
Sir James:
Needs a punchline!
(I know, I know...)
Maybe a different word for her bottom to facilitate a joke?
Major Gonzales: In mine hands thou art, Sir James, I do recognise thee from thine flintlock. Thou shalt be-
Sir James: pardon, I'll be ..... ?
(Major Gonzales ist slain by an arrow. Sir James runs off, to meet a beauteous maiden.)
Melina: Come with me, Sir James.
(Sir James ducks an arrow.)
Sir James: Most certainly I shalt. I trust a carriage ye doth have, for mine hast been lain waste to.
Melina: Mine donkey ist yonder.
Sir James: ..... Ah...
(They ride off, pursued by Gonzales’ men. And women.)
Sir James: ‘Tis a trifle slow, methinks.
Melina: you be'ist behind. Smack my ass!
Sir James; t'would be mine pleasure.
( Before being struck, the ass speeds up )
Sir James ; he be'ith a smart ass.
Melina: Perhaps thee wouldst like to take charge of mine ass?
Sir James: after dinner and drinks perhaps, but first let's Haul Ass.
One idea is that after the first arrow and Bond asking for an answer ..... A second guard could
Say " my master said he was going to ...... " Only to be hit by a second arrow. With Sir James
Getting annoyed no one was answering him. ? A third guard on seeing the arrow could say
Something like " look at that deadly shaft " with sir James answering " why thank you my
Good man, many have admired it "
Edit: Ok, how's this?
Act 2, Scene 2. Beside a pool. Sir James ist captured by Major Gonzales’ men, some dressed in tasteful swimsuits.
Major Gonzales: In mine hands thou art, Sir James, I do recognise thee from thine flintlock. Thou shalt be-
(Major Gonzales ist slain by an arrow. )
Sir James: Pardon, I shalt be...?
First Guard: My master said he was going to-
(Ye guard ist slain by a second arrow.)
Sir James: What? Will no-one tell me?
Second Guard: Look at yon deadly shaft!
Sir James: Why, I thank’ee, my good man, many have admired it.
(Sir James runs off, to meet a beauteous maiden.)
Melina: Come with me, apace.
(Sir James ducks an arrow.)
Sir James: Most certainly I shalt. I trust a carriage ye doth have, for mine hast been lain waste to.
Melina: Mine donkey ist yonder.
Sir James: ..... Ah...
(They ride off, pursued by Gonzales’ men. And women.)
Sir James: ‘Tis a trifle slow, methinks.
Melina: Thou be'est behind. Smack my ass!
Sir James: (Raises eyebrow as only he can.) T'would be mine pleasure.
(Before being struck, ye ass speeds up.)
Sir James: He be'eth a smart ass.
Melina: Perhaps thee wouldst like to take charge of mine ass?
Sir James: After dinner and drinks perhaps, but first let's Haul Ass.
Sir James: Methinks ‘tis time we were introduced. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Melina: Mine name is Melina.
Sir James: Well named, for thou art certainly a honey. I prithee, why didst thou slay Gonzales?
Melina: For revenge- he didst kill mine parents.
Sir James: So, thou art ye daughter of ye Havelocks! And now thou shalt return to Greece?
Melina: Nay, for this business remains unfinished. I shalt go after the man I didst see paying Gonzales.
Sir James: That ist a treacherous path, Melina. The Chinese have a saying: “Man who jump off cliff, leap to conclusion.”
Melina: Huh?
Sir James: Oh, pardon, wrong saying: “Before thou set out on revenge, thou must dig two graves.”
Melina: “Man who keep feet on ground, have trouble putting on trousers.”
Sir James: “Girl who eat prunes, get good run for her money.”
Melina: Hmm, I do start to feel hungry.
Sir James: Methinks ‘tis time we were introduced. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Melina: Mine name is Melina.
Sir James: Well named, for thou art certainly a honey. I prithee, why didst thou slay Gonzales?
Melina: For revenge- he didst kill mine parents.
Sir James: So, thou art ye daughter of ye Havelocks! And now thou shalt return to Greece?
Melina: Nay, for this business remains unfinished. I shalt go after the man I didst see paying Gonzales.
Sir James: That ist a treacherous path, Melina. The Chinese have a saying: “Man who jump off cliff, leap to conclusion.”
Melina: Huh?
Sir James: Oh, pardon, wrong saying: “Before thou set out on revenge, thou must dig two graves.”
Melina: “Man who keep feet on ground, have trouble putting on trousers.”
Sir James: “Girl who eat prunes, get good run for her money.”
Melina: Hmm, I do start to feel hungry
Sir James : Date ? ( Sir James offers a bowl of dates )
Melina: Maybe later after this beith finished, but I am Melina Judy Havelock, daughter to my murdered parents
Aunt to an obnoxious nephew, keeper of a season ticket to Hull Rovers and owner of a Haynes manual to a
81 compact carriage ............ and I shall have my revenge in this life or the next !
Sir James: Great tramp stamp, it looks clear, we can make speed to the harbour .and remind me to tell thee about only living Twice.
Act 2, Scene 3. Sir James enters ye Old Wizard’s lair, pausing to speak to an assistant tinkering with an armband.
Sir James: Greetings, Fett, how’s the charm?
Fett: It’s worth a lot to me.
Sir James: Sure I am it will come in handy.
Fett: As you wish.
Sir James: I seek thine help, Old Wizard, for I am in search of a varlet.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. See this collapsible Chinese cooking tool?
Sir James: Chinese cooking tool? Thou do jest, Old Wizard!
Old Wizard: N'er do I jest about my wok, Naught Naught Seven. Now, in mine crystal ball I shall find the one thou doth seek. Impart unto me his features.
Sir James: His nose like a banana is shaped.
Old Wizard: Easier than I had anticipated this doth be. Now, look ye in mine crystal ball... Ah, his name ist Locque and thee will find him in Capri... nay, Cortina.
Sir James: I do not wish to know what kind of carriage he drives, I want to know where I can find him!
Old Wizard: 8-) In ye north of Italy, Naught Naught Seven...
I'm doing a running joke, based of course on the Q scene in GF, on "Thou do jest... Ne'er do I jest about..." trying to have as many bad puns as possible on the word "work". There are a few already in place.
Act 3, Scene 1. By an ice rink.
Visconte Kristatos: Greetings, mine friend Ferrara hast said thou did wish to see me?
Sir James: Hail to thee, Visconte Kristatos, I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. I do seek a varlet known as Locque.
Visconte Kristatos: Locque? He ist in ye employ of mine rival, Visconte Columbo.
Sir James: Impart to me his whereabouts, I prithee.
Visconte Kristatos: This I shalt endeavour to discover.
(A young girl skates up beside them.)
Visconte Kristatos: Ah, Sir James, I prithee greet mine protégée Baby Doll.
Baby Doll: Most tired am I, mine uncle, ‘tis time for mine nap. And milk and cookies.
Visconte Kristatos: Nay, Baby, thou must practice longer.
Baby Doll: And I do wish to go to a concert tonight, by Sir Justin of Bieber.
Visconte Kristatos: (Shudders.) Ah, nay, for I must see to business. Perhaps Sir James could take thee?
Sir James: Pardon? Oh, er, I have to walk my hair... wash the dog...
Visconte Kristatos: ...and afterwards I shalt give thee the information thou doth desire.
Sir James: Very well...
Visconte Kristatos: Greetings, mine friend Ferrara hast said thou did wish to see me?
Sir James: Hail to thee, Visconte Kristatos, I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. He tells me
You be an Anglophile ...
Visconte Kristatos : Those charges were never proven
Sir James : I do seek a Varlet known as Locque.
Visconte Kristatos: Locque? He ist in ye employ of mine rival, Visconte Columbo.
Sir James: the colonies famous sheriff ?
ViscontevKristatos: nay, he be Colombo
Visconte Kristatos: would'st you care to join me in some gluhein ?
Sir James : nay, I'd hate to get wet ant it doth like there be'ith only room for one.
Visconte Kristatos: very well, please thy self. It's all the rage here.
Sir James: Impart to me his whereabouts, I prithee.
Visconte Kristatos: This I shalt endeavour to discover.
(A young girl skates up beside them.)
Visconte Kristatos: Ah, Sir James, I prithee greet mine protégée Baby Doll.
Baby Doll: Most tired am I, mine uncle, ‘tis time for mine nap. And milk and cookies.
Visconte Kristatos: Nay, Baby, thou must practice longer. To be assured of a Gold
Medallion. We don't have Tsar Putin's medicine alchemist to help.
Baby Doll: And I do wish to go to a concert tonight, by Sir Justin of Bieber.
Visconte Kristatos: (Shudders.) Ah, nay, for I must see to business. Perhaps Sir James could take thee?
Sir James: Pardon? Oh, er, I have to walk my hair... wash the dog...
Visconte Kristatos: better I would feel, knowing she had protection.
Baby doll: Have you been looking in my purse again they weren't mine, I was only holding
Them for a girlfriend.
Visconte Kristatos: eh ?
Baby doll: nothing .......
Visconte Kristatos: Well Sir James ?
Sir James: I would be happy to escort this young innocent maid ....
( Baby Doll winks at Sir James and Blows him .................... A kiss )
Sir James : ..... Although I be more a Sir Ed Sheeran fan.
Visconte Kristatos: ...and afterwards I shalt give thee the information thou doth desire.
Sir James: Very well
Sir James: Greetings, Fett, how’s the charm?
Fett: It’s worth a lot to me, it be'ith to increase sexual stamina
Sir James: Sure I am it will come in handy.
Fett: It's certainly made my arm go Stiff.
Sir James: I seek thine help, Old Wizard, for I am in search of a varlet.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. See this collapsible Chinese cooking tool?
Sir James: Chinese cooking tool? Thou do jest, Old Wizard!
Old Wizard: N'er do I jest about my wok, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James : Aye, many hath said it be " Wok around the clock " with thee
Old Wizard:Now, in mine crystal ball I shall find the one thou doth seek. Impart unto me his features.
Sir James: His nose like a banana is shaped.
Old Wizard: Nay nothing. More infomation be needed.
Sir James : Eyes two, blue, ... a deep blue. the sort of blue that hints at a sexual indescretion,
offering both friendship and more, perhaps weekends antiquing and evenings at the Knight's
dancing taverns, .... Hair light brown or more a lustrous Auburn, fashionably cut with the
use of obviously good grooming products ... and even through his doublet you could tell he doth
look after his body, great skin tone and a firmness that only comes from hours of Gym work ...
a wide generous mouth, that both promised, passion and tenderness but with a hint of cruelity.
................ Although Honestly Old Wizard, I hardly noticed him.
Old Wizard: Easier than I had anticipated this doth be. Now, look ye in mine crystal ball... Ah, his name ist Locque and thee will find him in Capri... nay, Cortina.
Sir James: I do not wish to know what kind of carriage he drives, I want to know where I can find him!
Old Wizard: 8-) In ye north of Italy, Naught Naught Seven...
Sir James: Then I will leave the locking up to thee, but could I have one of those armband Charms before I take my leave ?
Baby Doll: I thank’ee, Sir James, for escorting me to ye concert. Was Sir Justin not wonderful? (Sir James keeps on walking.) I said, was not Sir Justin ye dreamiest? (Sir James does not reply.) Sir James!!!!
Sir James: Oh, thine pardon I crave. I did forget to take out mine earplugs- I think ‘tis safe now.
Baby Doll: Oh, look ye, ‘tis Erich von Kriegler, ye skiing champion of all Prussia! Is he not ye dreamiest?
Sir James: Fickle thou art, Baby!
Baby Doll: He ist most fit! He does not drink... does not smoke... does not make love.
Sir James: Hm, what does he do?
(Later, at an eating place.)
Visconte Kristatos: And what wouldst thou have to eat, Sir James? I recommend ye donkey balls, or ye chicken feet perhaps?
Sir James: If thou willst forgive me, I do find that a trifle slimy and scented for mine palate.
Visconte Kristatos: At yonder table, eating ye stuffed sheep's head, sits Visconte Columbo.
Sir James: And with him, yon most fair lady?
Visconte Kristatos: Ah, ye Contessa Lisl. Not sure about her- from ye colonies, never far from him.
Contessa Lisl: Thou art a disgusting man! Do not talk to me like that!
Visconte Columbo: To thee I shalt speak any way I doth please.
(Ye Contessa leaves, pausing briefly to look upon Sir James.)
Sir James: A damsel in distress! My turf, I do believe.
Visconte Kristatos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4F4qzPbcFiA
Sir James: If thou playest ye odds...
(Sir James doth follow ye Contessa.)