Act 1,Scene 2 (The throne room of Sir Edward Jackal.)
Sir Edward: Thee should have studied the scrolls more faithfully, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ‘Tis ne’er the same in training, mine liege, for mine edge ist sharper in the field.
Sir Edward: Thine “edge” ist blunted by thine age, Naught Naught Seven. Sir James : Thee have had me but as a Teacher of late, to young knights ! Many had died
before my Training, slain too young.
Sir Edward : agreed, there hath been too many late Knights.
Not William of Tanner:But thine edge appears blunted by the eating of white bread.
Sir James: Then in French bloomers I shalt take an interest.
Sir Edward: More than thine usual interest? Nothing French ist in order for thee.
Sir James: Nay, you do not mean...?
Sir Edward: To Shrublands thou must go!
(Sir James groans....)
Moneypenny: To where are you going hence, Sir James?
Sir James: I have been sent to stop French inflammations.
Moneypenny: Do be careful, Sir James!
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Sir James is examined by an apothecary.)
Apothecary Wain: Hmm, thine body hast seen better days, methinks.
Sir James: Nay, 'tis still in pretty good shape.
Apothecary Wain:
Sir James is asked what he usually eats (scope for fun there) and then the apothecary tells him what he will now be eating (again, some fun) to which Sir James groans.... Then is sent to see Patricia.
I think the stolen atom bomb can be a ship with barrels of Greek Fire. It can be used as a fire ship - Just steer it towards a crowded harbour, tie up the wheel, light the fuse and jump off.
I was thinking of re-using the "great weapons have been purloined" line from TB (or to be more accurate, "Ye Ball Of Thunder" ) ) so Sir J can have a déjà vu moment.
Instead of having Bond's horse jump from great height into the sea they should land in a wagon full of hay as a homage to Assassin's Creed. Perhaps followed by the death of the horse and a quip from Bond about assassins and their creed.
(Sir James prowls through a jungle. He slays a guard, then swings from a rope into a room where a maiden lies bound upon a bed, guarded by two varlets. He slays ye varlets, then begins to untie the maiden who promptly stabs him with a knife.)
(The throne room of Sir Edward Jackal.)
Sir Edward: Thee should have studied the scrolls more faithfully, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ‘Tis ne’er the same in training, mine liege, for mine edge ist sharper in the field.
Sir Edward: Thine “edge” ist blunted by thine age, Naught Naught Seven.
Not William of Tanner: And the eating of white bread.
Sir Edward: To Shrublands thou must go! (Sir James groans....)
Moneypenny:
Sir James:
(Sir James drives his ancient carriage up to a magnificent mansion, where he ist greeted by a steward.)
Steward: A beautiful carriage, good sir, they do not make them like this any more.
Sir James:
(A delicate and feminine voice is heard. Sir Justin of Bieber steps on to the stage and sing his ballad "Ne'er say ne'er")
(A drinking place in foreign climes, by a seashore.)
Steward: And what would thou like to drink, good sir?
Sir James: Mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken. (Enter Fatima Blush, straight from ye ocean wearing ***. She stumbles into Sir James.)
Fatima: How reckless of me, I've made you all wet.
Sir James : Well hopefully later, I can do the same to you. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Fatima: Thou may know me as Fatima Blush. What brings thee to these parts, Sir James?
Sir James:
What we have so far (please feel free to add, alter, etc- there are several unfinished scenes!):
NE’ER SAY NE’ER AGAIN
Act 1, Scene 1. (A thin and feminine voice is heard as Sir Justin of Bieber sings his ballad "Ne'er say ne'er" while Sir James prowls through a jungle. He slays a guard, then swings from a rope into a room where a maiden lies bound upon a bed, guarded by two varlets. They are speedily slain by Sir James; he then begins to untie the maiden who promptly stabs him with a knife....)
Act 1, Scene 2. (The throne room of Sir Edward Jackal.)
Sir Edward: Thee should have studied the scrolls more faithfully, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ‘Tis ne’er the same in training, mine liege, for mine edge ist sharper in the field.
Sir Edward: Thine “edge” ist blunted by thine age, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Hmph! I am still younger than certain others I could mention.
Sir Edward: I prithee, no Moore of that.
Sir James: Thou hast had me but as a teacher of late, to young knights! Many had died before my training, slain too young.
Sir Edward: Agreed, there hath been too many late Knights. The apothecaries say thine “edge” ist suffering from too much mead and tobacco.
Not William of Tanner: And the eating of white bread.
Sir James: Then in French bloomers I shalt take an interest.
Sir Edward: More than thine usual interest? Nothing French ist in order for thee lest it inflame thine health. A more abstemious regime awaits thee.
Sir James: Nay, you do not mean Shrubla-
Sir Edward: Ssh, dost thou want to get sued? To Bushgardens thou must go! (Sir James groans....)
Moneypenny: To where are you going hence, Sir James?
Bond: I have been sent to stop French inflammations.
Moneypenny: Do be careful, Sir James!
Act 1, Scene 3. (Sir James guides his ancient carriage up to a magnificent mansion, with a sign reading "Bushgardens Health Clinic" hastily painted- the word "Shrublands" can faintly be seen underneath. He ist greeted by a steward.)
Steward: A beautiful carriage, good sir, they do not make them like this any more.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis true, but 'tis still in pretty good shape.
Steward: I shalt park it for thee round ye back.
Sir James: Watch out for that man with green train- (Thump.) Never mind. (Sir James enters ye building where he is examined by an apothecary.)
Apothecary Wain: Hmm, thine body hast seen better days, methinks.
Sir James: Nay, 'tis still in pretty good shape.
Apothecary Wain: Much work is required- tell me, Sir James, what ist thine customary diet?
Sir James: Oh, I have simple tastes: Beluga caviar, roast beef and potato salad, ham sandwiches with plenty of mustard, Kobe beef, doner kebab, roast grouse, dressed crab, scrambled eggs...
Apothecary Wain: 'Tis no wonder thine liege hast sent thee here! From now on, thou willst eat artichokes and asparagus, beansprouts and beetroots, cabbage and kale, dandelions and.... (Ye Apothecary continues through the alphabet as Sir James groans..)
Act 1, Scene 4. (A secret chamber where many are gathered.)
Comte de Blofeld: 'Tis good to have such a meeting again, it has been many years.
Lord Kevin: I did try to be quicker, mine liege, but for many years was forestalled by Lord Cubby at every turn.
Comte de Blofeld: No matter, we are here now. (Enter Fatima Blush dressed as an ostrich.)
Fatima: Comte Blofeld, may I inquire: I see there is no-one in your lap to stroke. Don't you have a companion?
Comte de Blofeld: I haven't had a pussy for years, I miss it. (A Saint raises both eyebrows while sitting up in Double O Heaven. :007) )
Comte de Blofeld: Now to discuss our latest plans- Baron Largo, thou art in charge.
Baron Largo: I thank'ee, Comte. 'Tis our plan to purloin a ship laden with barrels of Greek Fire to use as a fire ship. We shalt steer it towards a crowded harbour, tie up the wheel, light the fuse and jump off- unless our ransom ist paid. In our employ ist one Yeoman Petachi, whom our agent Fatima Blush ist keeping hidden in Shrub... er, Bushgardens health clinic.
Act 1, Scene 5.(A corridor. Sir James ist nearly knocked down by Fatima Blush pushing a wheelchair in which sits a man with bandages over his head and hands. Fatima does not stop. A comely wench approaches.)
Patricia: I do apologise, 'twas not one of our staff.
Sir James: No matter, all ist fine. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Patricia: Ah, thou art Sir James. Patricia Fearing am I; thou art to attend mine chambers forthwith...
Sir James: But of course.
Patricia: ... for treatment of thine ills.
Sir James: ...Ah...
Patricia: Then afterwards a glass of Melograno's fermented milk.
Sir James: That all sounds lovely.
Act 1, Scene 6. (Ye chambers of Sir James, at Bushgardens. Sir James ist inspecting a hamper when there ist a knock on ye door. He covers ye hamper and opens ye door to find Patricia with a tray.)
Sir James: Do come in.
Patricia: Thine reputation precedes thee, Sir James, and I think such a reputation did not come from a diet of dandelions and dill. So, I hast brought thee a cheese sandwich. (Sir James opens ye hamper to reveal his travelling delicatessen.)
Sir James: Fortunately I came prepared... (Patricia's eyes roll with delight.)
Patricia: Delicious!
Sir James: Would thee like some broccoli?
Patricia: Sssh, ne'er say broccoli again.
(Meanwhile, in a chamber not far away, Fatima ist unwrapping ye bandages from the man in the wheelchair.)
Fatima: Now, just sit ye still, Jack, and we shall see...
Jack: Hurry, I prithee, Fatima, for tobacco I doth crave.
Fatima: No tobacco for thee, Jack Petachi, until all this ist over. (She finishes unwrapping ye bandages.)
Jack: Well? Hast it worked?
Fatima: Oh yes, 'tis wonderful! Thine skin ist bright orange, and thine hair doth look most unnatural.
Jack: And mine hands?
Fatima: One moment... (Unwraps his hands.) Aye, thine hands are now most small.
Jack: These are great hands. These are great, great hands.
Fatima: Hey, thou can do the voice as well!
Act 1, Scene 7. (A gym.)
Sir James: (Doing press-ups.) One, two, three... (Looks around to make sure no-one ist watching.)... ninety-nine, one hundred! Now, what next...? (A steward approaches.)
Steward: Try these weights, Sir James. I'll look in and see how you're doing in fifteen minutes.
Sir James: (Fighting off deja vu.) ....fine. (Ye steward departs. Sir James lies down and begins to lift ye weights. Silently, ye door opens and a large man walks up to Sir James.)
Lippe: Hello, Sir James, and farewell! (He thrusts a weight down on Sir James, who lashes out with his foot and gets free. They struggle, breaking much furniture and equipment, until Sir James manages to thrust Lippe’s head into the waste bucket of the privy, where he ist drowned.)
Sir James: Thou shalt not take the piss out of me!
Act 1, Scene 8. (A harbour. Two guards stand before a ship.)
1st Guard: For what ist this ship laden with barrels of Greek Fire intended, mine friend?
2nd Guard: Who knows? Like mushrooms, we art kept in ye dark and fed...
((Enter Jack Petachi.)
Jack: Greetings, men, I wouldst enter yon ship.
1st Guard: Nay, for none may here enter except ye leader of those across the sea.
Jack: Dost thee not recognise me?
2nd Guard: (Looks more closely, then jumps to attention.) Aye, Mr President! (Jack enters ye ship.)
1st Guard: Now there ist a surprise, ne’er did I think he wouldst come here himself and... hey, come back with that ship!!!
Act 1, Scene 8. (The throne room of Sir Edward Jackal.)
Sir Edward: Most vexed am I, Naught Naught Seven, great damage to yon clinic thou did cause for which I must pay recompense.
Sir James: Mayhap I should have let ye assassin slay me?
Sir Edward: Not this time, alas, for a mission I do have for thee. Great weapons have been purloined, Naught Naught Seven, ‘tis thine charge their location to ascertain. To the colonies across the sea I shall send thee, to Nassau.
Sir James: Hmm...
Not William of Tanner: Art thou feeling ill, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Nay, I just have this extraordinary feeling that this hast happened before...
Act 1, Scene 9. (Ye Old Wizard's lair. Enter Sir James.)
Sir James: Greetings, Wizard Algernon, I seek Ye Old Wizard.
Algernon: Alack, he hast gone off to India- he did say something about an egg covered with jewels.
Sir James: Sssh- ixnay on-ay at-thay ubject-say.
Algernon: 'Tis good to see thee back, Naught Naught Seven, we look forward to more bloodshed and fornication.
Sir James: Aye, most likely.
Algernon: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven- behold this enchanted sundial! 'Twill free thee from any chains in which thou may be held. Take also this stylus and elastic band- 'tis not perfected yet though it may prove useful to thee.
Sir James: And what ist this here?
Algernon: 'Tis for mine sinuses.
Sir James: Sinuses? Thou do jest, Algernon.
Algernon: I ne'er jest about my Vick, Naught Naught Seven.
Act 2, Scene 1.
(Scene where Sir James meets Mr Bean, or Johnny English, or even Edmund Blackadder?)
Act 2, Scene 2. (A drinking place in foreign climes, by a seashore.)
Steward: And what would thou like to drink, good sir?
Sir James: Mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken. (Enter Fatima Blush, straight from ye ocean wearing half a dolphin and two coconuts. She stumbles into Sir James.)
Fatima: How reckless of me, I've made you all wet.
Sir James: Well hopefully later, I can do the same to you. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Fatima: Thou may know me as Fatima Blush. What brings thee to these parts, Sir James?
Sir James: I'll get to thy parts in good time, but first I hope'eth thee might assist me?
Fatima: Of course, I would love to assist you.
Sir James: And why would that be?
Fatima: I wouldst like thee to find what thou art looking for.
Sir James: Most grateful I am, fair maiden.
Fatima: Alas, I am neither.
Sir James: Lovely outfit, by the way.
Fatima: Oh, this old thing? I am just about finished with it- an offer I have had from a lady called Jones for mine old wardrobe. Dost thee swim, Sir James?
Sir James: 'Tis one of the two things I do like a fish.
Fatima: Then mayhap you would like to go down with me?
Sir James: I can think of nothing better.
Act 2, Scene 3. (Aboard a ship.)
Sir James: A most popular area for swimmers, I see.
Fatima: (Wearing a kimono made from rose petals.) We art almost there.
Sir James: A most fast ship thou hast. What does she do? About fifteen knots?
Fatima: Better than that. Near twenty.
Sir James: Hmm...
Fatima: Ist everything in order, Sir James?
Sir James: Oh, I just keep having this extraordinary feeling of deja- Hey, watch out for that swimmer with green flippers! (Splash, crunch.) Ah, too late.
Fatima: Ist he all right?
Sir James: Who can tell? But his sundial doth appear to be waterproof. Now, what was I saying about deja vu...?
Fatima: Methinks we have reached ye spot, Sir James. 'Tis time to prepare for our swim.
Sir James: Most certainly. (Sir James begins to remove his doublet. Fatima watches with interest.)
Sir James: You said something about going down?
Fatima: Aye, and thou said something about making me all wet...
(A discreet interval later, Sir James and Fatima doth swim under the sea. Fatima swims off, and Sir James ist attacked by mutated sea bass. He manages to escape them and swims up to ye surface.)
Sir James: Frickin' mutated sea bass!
Act 2, Scene 4. (Ye lodgings of Sir James. There ist a knock on ye door.)
Lord Felix: (Warily.) I bid thee greetings, Sir James.
Sir James: Lord Felix! Do come in... but why art thou so wary?
Lord Felix: I wast afraid thou might punch me in mine stomach for no good reason... again.
Sir James: Most pleased am I to see thee- it hast been a long time.
Lord Felix: Aye, 'tis true- I have been doing legal work. I bear news- there are suspicions about a man named Baron Largo, we should investigate him forthwith.
Sir James: Baron Largo? Ist he Italian, with white hair and an eyepatch?
Lord Felix: Nay, he ist blond and Teutonic. Why dost thou ask?
Sir James: No reason...
Lord Felix: His ship ist rogered, I mean moored in ye harbour- and a strange name it hast.
Sir James: Ye Flying Saucer? Disco Volante perhaps?
Lord Felix: Nay, 'tis ye Unidentified Disc. He ist there with his ladyfriend, one Domino.
Sir James: Largo.. Domino...
Lord Felix: Art thou feeling all right, Sir James?
Sir James: Oh, 'tis nothing, I just keep getting this sensation of.... never mind. (A beauteous maiden enters.)
Nicole: Greetings, Sir James, and your handsome friend.
Lord Felix: Hello!
Sir James: Lord Felix, meet mine assistant, Nicole.
Lord Felix: Most charmed, most charmed. (Aside.) Not Paula, then?
Sir James: Ah, it's happening to you as well!
Act 2, Scene 5. (Outside a health clinic. Ye hastily painted sign reads "Bushlands". A most beauteous wench wearing a blindfold find her way in, followed shortly by Sir James.)
Stewardess: Can I help thee, good sir?
Sir James: Aye, if thee doth serve men here.
Stewardess: But of course, though some are served more throughly than others. Through that door there, I prithee. (Sir James wanders around until he spies ye wench, lying on a bench covered in a towel.)
Sir James: Thou dost await a massage?
Domino: Aye, 'tis so. (Sir James begins to knead her flesh.)
Sir James: Art thou staying here long?
Domino: Just arrived have I, on a yacht in the harbour- ye Unidentified Disc.
Sir James: Ah, Baron Largo's ship.
Domino: Thou knowest ye Baron?
Sir James: Nay, I merely know of him. (Sir James begins to need her flesh.)
Sir James: Tell me, I prithee, why ye blindfold?
Domino: I must wear it for 9 1/2 weeks- but that ends tonight. Mmm, thine massage doth relieve mine tensions.
Sir James: Well, I've had quite a bit of practi....
Domino: Sorry?
Sir James: Oh, 'tis nothing, I just had this extraordinary feeling of... never mind.
Domino: Tonight Baron Largo ist holding a charity ball in ye grand casino.
Sir James: And hast he held many balls?
Domino: I have never asked- why not attend? (Sir James spies ye real masseuse approaching, and casually strolls off.)
Masseuse: Greetings, I am Peaceful Fountains of Desire, and I shalt be thine masseuse.
Domino: But... but...
Masseuse: Well, if you insist though I was planning to do thine shoulders first.
(A drinking place in foreign climes, by a seashore.)
Steward: And what would thou like to drink, good sir?
Sir James: Mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken.
(Enter Fatima Blush, straight from ye ocean wearing ??? She stumbles into Sir James.)
Fatima: How reckless of me, I've made you all wet.
Sir James: Well hopefully later, I can do the same to you. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Fatima: Thou may know me as Fatima Blush. What brings thee to these parts, Sir James?
Sir James: I'll get to thy parts in good time, but First I Hope-ith thee might assist me ?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir James: I'll get to thy parts in good time, but First I Hope-ith thee might assist me ?
Fatima: Of course, I would love to assist you.
Sir James: And why would that be?
Fatima: I wouldst like thee to find what thou art looking for.
Sir James: Most grateful I am, fair maiden.
Fatima: Alas, I am neither.
Sir James: Lovely outfit, by the way.
Fatima: Oh, this old thing? I am just about finished with it- an offer I have had from a lady called Jones for mine old wardrobe. Dost thee swim, Sir James?
Sir James: 'Tis one of the two things I do like a fish.
Fatima: Then mayhap you would like to go down with me?
Sir James: I can think of nothing better.
Act 1, Scene 4. A secret chamber where many are gathered.
Comte de Blofeld: 'Tis good to have such a meeting again, it has been many years.
Lord Kevin: I did try to be quicker, mine liege, but was forestalled by Lord Cubby at every turn.
Comte de Blofeld: No matter, we are here now. (Enter Fatima Blush dressed as an ostrich.)
Comte de Blofeld: Now to discuss our latest plans- Baron Largo, thou art in charge.
Baron Largo: I thank'ee, Comte. 'Tis our plan to purloin a ship laden with barrels of Greek Fire to use as a fire ship. We shalt steer it towards a crowded harbour, tie up the wheel, light the fuse and jump off- unless our ransom ist paid. In our employ ist one Yeoman Petachi, whom our agent Fatima Blush ist keeping hidden in Shrub... er, Bushgardens health clinic.
A line or two for Fatima? Someone (Blofeld or Fatima, maybe) asks Largo where his eyepatch is? A cat/pussy joke? Blofeld kills one of his people for something trivial (maybe do the Austin Powers thing where Will Ferrell isn't totally dead)?
Act 1, Scene 4. A secret chamber where many are gathered.
Comte de Blofeld: 'Tis good to have such a meeting again, it has been many years.
Lord Kevin: I did try to be quicker, mine liege, but was forestalled by Lord Cubby at every turn.
Comte de Blofeld: No matter, we are here now. (Enter Fatima Blush dressed as an ostrich.)
Comte de Blofeld: Now to discuss our latest plans- Baron Largo, thou art in charge.
Baron Largo: I thank'ee, Comte. 'Tis our plan to purloin a ship laden with barrels of Greek Fire to use as a fire ship. We shalt steer it towards a crowded harbour, tie up the wheel, light the fuse and jump off- unless our ransom ist paid. In our employ ist one Yeoman Petachi, whom our agent Fatima Blush ist keeping hidden in Shrub... er, Bushgardens health clinic.
A line or two for Fatima? Someone (Blofeld or Fatima, maybe) asks Largo where his eyepatch is? A cat/pussy joke? Blofeld kills one of his people for something trivial (maybe do the Austin Powers thing where Will Ferrell isn't totally dead)?
Fatima Blush: Comte Blofeld, may I inquire: I see there is no-one in your lap to stroke. Don't you have a companion?
Blofeld: I haven't had a pussy for years, I miss it.
(Roger Moore raises both eyebrows while sitting up in Heaven :007) )
(1) Stuff James likes to eat [Edit: done this now]
(2) Stuff he'd hate to eat [Edit: done that now, too]
I've come up with an idea (above) for how Jack Petachi steals the ship- since he's meant to use a surgically-altered duplicate of the President's eye, I just varied it a bit... Needed a scene with Fatima in the clinic to set it up.
Managed the Lippe fight, though those bits aren't my favourite to do. Of course feel free to alter any of the scenes above!
Still no ideas for the Rowan Atkinson character. Perhaps Edmund Blackadder might be the most appropriate (the 2nd one, of course)?
Act 2, Scene 6. (A gambling place.)
Sir James: Greetings, fair Domino, I believe I owe thee an explanation.
Domino: You! I shouldst have thee charged!
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond, and I have information for thee about thine brother.
Domino: My brother? He's a wonderful person. He made me cry when we were children... art thou all right?
Sir James: I prithee, give me a moment, 'tis just this feeling of deja... (Enter Baron Largo.)
Largo: Sir James Bond, is it not? Come with me, Sir James. Let us donate to this good cause.
Sir James: You hold balls for charity, Baron?
Largo: Aye, 'tis so. Sometimes for fun, too.
Sir James: Greetings, fair Domino, I believe I owe thee an explanation.
Domino: You! I shouldst have thee charged!
Sir James : No Need, I did over one hundred press ups earlier, so fully charged !
Domino : Aye, it seems to have affected thine hair ?
( Sir James quickly adjusts his hair line )
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond, and I have information for thee about thine brother.
Domino: My brother? He's a wonderful person. He made me cry when we were children... art thou all right?
Sir James: I prithee, give me a moment, 'tis just this feeling of deja...
Domino : As I said, he made me cry, he'd come in to my room and peel onions or tell a story
abouut an old hound called " Old Yeller " or That Sir Edward Sheeran was doing an espionage
theme song ..
Sir James : ( Aside) Sounds a right little terror
(Enter Baron Largo.)
Largo: Sir James Bond, is it not? Come with me, Sir James. Let us donate to this good cause, My
Balls are famous and hath made much money.
Sir James : I believe manys a naughty parchment hath also featured men with large Ball ....
Largo : Nay, I do it for the orphans
Sir James: You hold balls for charity, Baron?
Largo: Aye, 'tis so. Sometimes for fun, too. I like to help the great unwashed. I be'ith a man
of many parts, T'is the only time I let the public see my inner santum.Normally I t'would never
expose my private parts........ well only to a select few .......do you enjoy sport, Sir James ?
Sir James : It definetly sounds better than looking at your private parts, ..... lead on
Largo : Splendid lets have some sport
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 1, Scene 8. (A harbour. Two guards stand before a ship.)
1st Guard: For what ist this ship laden with barrels of Greek Fire intended, mine friend?
2nd Guard: Who knows? Like mushrooms, we art kept in ye dark and fed...
((Enter Jack Petachi.)
Jack: Greetings, men, I wouldst enter yon ship.
1st Guard: Nay, for none may here enter except ye leader of those across the sea.
Jack: Dost thee not recognise me? The amazing blonde hairstyle and orange skin ?
These plans for a large wall ?
2nd Guard: (Looks more closely, then jumps to attention.) Aye, Mr President!
(Jack enters ye ship.)
1st Guard: Now there ist a surprise, ne’er did I think he wouldst come here himself and... hey, come back with that ship!!!
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 2, Scene 6. (A gambling tavern.)
Sir James: Greetings, fair Domino, I believe I owe thee an explanation.
Domino: You! I shouldst have thee charged!
Sir James: No need, I did over one hundred press ups earlier, so fully charged!
Domino: Aye, it seems to have affected thine hair? (Sir James quickly adjusts his hair line.)
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond, and I have information for thee about thine brother.
Domino: My brother? He's a wonderful person. He made me cry when we were children... art thou all right?
Sir James: I prithee, give me a moment, 'tis just this feeling of deja...
Domino: As I said, he made me cry, he'd come in to my room and peel onions or tell a story about an old hound called "Old Yeller" or that Sir Edward Sheeran was doing an espionage theme song ...
Sir James: (Aside.) Sounds a right little terror. (Enter Baron Largo.)
Largo: Sir James Bond, is it not? Come with me, Sir James. Let us donate to this good cause. My balls are famous and hath made much money.
Sir James: I believe manys a naughty parchment hath also featured men with large ball....
Largo: Nay, I do it for the orphans. This is for the “Social Society for Skint Striplings.”
Shir Shean, er, Shir Jamesh: That’sh eashy for you to shay.
Largo: I work for them often.
Sir James: You hold balls for charity, Baron?
Largo: Aye, 'tis so. Sometimes for fun, too. I like to help the great unwashed. I be'eth a man of many parts, ‘tis the only time I let the public see my inner sanctum. Normally I ‘twould never expose my private parts........ well, only to a select few....... do you enjoy sport, Sir James?
Sir James: It definitely sounds better than looking at your private parts..... lead on.
Largo: Splendid, let us have some sport.
Number 24 suggests:
"It has to be sillier than what they did in the movie. Largo and James could play chess while sitting on chairs of nails.... or thrones made of swords (Game of Thrones)..... or thrones of table knives, forks and spoons. Game of Utensils!
Largo considered making the thrones by melting together swords, but decided this was too expensive. Utensils it is! Or Game of Cutlery?"
...which is better than anything I can come up with.
Could they play battleships at two ends of a long table.
In front of two large fireplaces, as they lose , servants
Put more logs on the fires, increasing the heat, until
It gets too hot for one player ?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Baron Largo leads Sir James to a long table, with two curious chairs at either side in front of two large fireplaces.)
Sir James: These chairs look most strange, though I am most relieved that mine does not have a hole in the seat.
Largo: Ye chairs art made from metal forks, knives, and spoons.
Sir James: Ah, ‘tis a Game of Utensils or mayhap Cutlery then?
Largo: I did think about making them from swords but that would be silly. Sit down, Sir James. (They sit, as a crowd gathers.)
Sir James: And what ist ye game we shall play?
Largo: Battleships! (He produces a box containing the game, and two blond stewards lay out papers and a stylus before the players before retreating to the fireplaces. One of ye stewards hast a hand made of gold, while ye other ist very short.) Shall we begin? You go first.
Sir James: A3.
Largo. Miss! B2.
Sir James: Hit. Ow! Mine chair ist getting hotter!
Largo: Oh, I didst forget to tell thee- for every hit, ye stewards will throw more logs upon the fire behind the player hit so unlike armchair admirals we will share the pain of our sailors. As thou wert unaware of this, we begin again. C2.
Sir James: Miss. C2!
Largo: Hit! (Ye stewards put more logs on Baron Largo's fire. He begin'eth to sweat...)
Largo: A5.
Sir James: Miss. D6. (Ye heat rises as the game continues. Both Sir James and Baron Largo start to feel very warm, then hot, then begin to burn... Finally Baron Largo stands up.)
Largo: Thou hast won, Sir James.
Sir James: Settle I shalt for one dance with Domino.
Need a good line here- something playing off the "Do you lose as graciously as you win?" "I wouldn't know, I've never lost" exchange. Followed by:
(Baron Largo signals for ye band to begin. The bass player hurriedly puts down his whisky and they play. Sir James leads Domino to the floor and they dance.)
Domino: Tell me what thou doth seek and why thou art here.
Sir James: ‘Tis a great conspiracy, and it doth involve thine brother.
Domino: I never meet anyone like my brother.
Sir James: Only men such as me or Largo?
Domino: Thou art not like him. I can tell by the way thou doth... hold me.
Sir James: Damn, déjà vu all over again... Thine brother ist dead. (Domino gasps.) Keep dancing! (Sir James takes off his doublet, throwing it to the side and hitting Baron Largo in the face, revealing a white waistcoat while he points to ye ceiling. He and Domino perform a spectacular dance display until Baron Largo stops ye music.)
Baron Largo: Thou can dance exceedingly well, Sir James. I prithee, join us on our boat for lunch tomorrow. ‘Tis in ye harbour and ‘tis called ye Disco Vo... er, Unidentified Disc.
Sir James: Most certainly.
To set up Nicole and the horse for Scene 7 below, I've revised an earlier scene:
Act 2, Scene 4. (At ye lodgings of Sir James. There ist a knock on ye door.)
Lord Felix: (Warily.) I bid thee greetings, Sir James.
Sir James: Lord Felix! Do come in... but why art thou so wary?
Lord Felix: I wast afraid thou might punch me in mine stomach for no good reason... again.
Sir James: Most pleased am I to see thee- it hast been a long time.
Lord Felix: Aye, 'tis true- I have been doing legal work. I bear news- there are suspicions about a man named Baron Largo, we should investigate him forthwith.
Sir James: Baron Largo? Ist he Italian, with white hair and an eyepatch?
Lord Felix: Nay, he ist blond and Teutonic. Why dost thou ask?
Sir James: No reason...
Lord Felix: His ship ist rogered, I mean moored in ye harbour- and a strange name it hast.
Sir James: Ye Flying Saucer? Disco Volante perhaps?
Lord Felix: Nay, 'tis ye Unidentified Disc. He ist there with his ladyfriend, one Domino.
Sir James: Largo.. Domino...
Lord Felix: Art thou feeling all right, Sir James?
Sir James: Oh, 'tis nothing, I just keep getting this sensation of.... never mind. (A beauteous maiden enters.)
Lord Felix: Hello!
Sir James: Lord Felix, meet mine assistant, Nicole.
Lord Felix: Not Paula, then?
Sir James: Ah, it's happening to you as well!
Nicole: Thou hast received a package from thine Wizard, Sir James. Behold! (Nicole indicates a large package, wrapped in brown paper.)
Lord Felix: Ye Old Wizard? But methinks he ist in India, helping Roger Moo-
Sir James: (Most quickly.) Nay, ‘tis from Wizard Algernon. (Aside.) Mention that not, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: Oh, yes, sorry.
Nicole: Shalt we unwrap it?
Sir James: But of course. (Sir James, Nicole and Lord Felix begin to unwrap ye package.)
Lord Felix: A saddle? A set of reins?
Nicole: And a bag of oats...?
Sir James: Wait, there ist more underneath... (He pulls off the last of ye wrapping paper.)
Lord Felix: A horse! From a Wizard, 'tis most likely an enchanted steed. Sir James, there ist a note tied to its tail, what does it say? (Sir James peers at ye note.)
Sir James: It says... “Feed at other end.”
Nicole: And there ist another note, tied to its nose.
Sir James: It says... "See tail for instructions."
Lord Felix: Nay!
Nicole: Nay!
Horse: Neigh!
Sir James: Don't you start...
Act 2, Scene 7. (Ye lodgings of Sir James.)
Sir James: Nicole? (Sir James finds Nicole lying dead and hears footsteps. Chasing, he sees Fatima Blush mounting a horse. Apace, he mounts ye steed sent by Wizard Algernon and gives chase (narrowly avoiding running over a man in green trainers) but ist dismounted by Fatima, who holds him at swordpoint.)
Fatima: Thou art quite a man, Sir James Bond.
Sir James: Well, I have not had any complaints so far.
Fatima: Mayhap, but I am a superior woman.
Sir James: I hast no problem with a woman in a superior position, as many will testify.
Fatima: Yet no doubt I wast ye best!
Sir James: Hmm... well, there was Vanessa Redgrave...
Fatima: Liar- that was Timothy Dalton! Take ye this scroll and write! (Fatima tosses Sir James a scroll. From a pocket on his doublet he produces ye stylus given him by Wizard Algernon, and ye elastic band.)
Fatima: Now write- “Ye greatest rapture in my life was- (Sir James uses ye elastic band to fire ye stylus into Fatima’s bosom.)
Fatima: ...what? (Fatima dies from ink poisoning. Enter Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: I didst wonder how thou was going to get out of that.
Sir James: Thou hast been here ye whole time?
Lord Felix: Oh, I knew thou had ye situation well in hand. Now, tell me more about this Vanessa....
Comments
Act 1,Scene 2 (The throne room of Sir Edward Jackal.)
Sir Edward: Thee should have studied the scrolls more faithfully, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ‘Tis ne’er the same in training, mine liege, for mine edge ist sharper in the field.
Sir Edward: Thine “edge” ist blunted by thine age, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James : Thee have had me but as a Teacher of late, to young knights ! Many had died
before my Training, slain too young.
Sir Edward : agreed, there hath been too many late Knights.
Not William of Tanner:But thine edge appears blunted by the eating of white bread.
Sir James: Then in French bloomers I shalt take an interest.
Sir Edward: More than thine usual interest? Nothing French ist in order for thee.
Sir James: Nay, you do not mean...?
Sir Edward: To Shrublands thou must go!
(Sir James groans....)
Moneypenny: To where are you going hence, Sir James?
Sir James: I have been sent to stop French inflammations.
Moneypenny: Do be careful, Sir James!
Apothecary Wain: Hmm, thine body hast seen better days, methinks.
Sir James: Nay, 'tis still in pretty good shape.
Apothecary Wain:
Sir James is asked what he usually eats (scope for fun there) and then the apothecary tells him what he will now be eating (again, some fun) to which Sir James groans.... Then is sent to see Patricia.
Fatima Blush : How reckless of me, I've made you all wet.
Sir James : Well, Hopefully later I'll be making you all wet too !
or slightly more family friendly .......
Sir James : Well hopefully later, I can do the same to you
Maybe the nurse Bond hasn't gotten to yet....
(A delicate and feminine voice is heard. Sir Justin of Bieber steps on to the stage and sing his ballad "Ne'er say ne'er")
Steward: And what would thou like to drink, good sir?
Sir James: Mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken.
(Enter Fatima Blush, straight from ye ocean wearing ***. She stumbles into Sir James.)
Fatima: How reckless of me, I've made you all wet.
Sir James : Well hopefully later, I can do the same to you. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Fatima: Thou may know me as Fatima Blush. What brings thee to these parts, Sir James?
Sir James:
(Gotcha Beiber line, N24!)
*** something ridiculous- any ideas?
NE’ER SAY NE’ER AGAIN
Act 1, Scene 1. (A thin and feminine voice is heard as Sir Justin of Bieber sings his ballad "Ne'er say ne'er" while Sir James prowls through a jungle. He slays a guard, then swings from a rope into a room where a maiden lies bound upon a bed, guarded by two varlets. They are speedily slain by Sir James; he then begins to untie the maiden who promptly stabs him with a knife....)
Act 1, Scene 2. (The throne room of Sir Edward Jackal.)
Sir Edward: Thee should have studied the scrolls more faithfully, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ‘Tis ne’er the same in training, mine liege, for mine edge ist sharper in the field.
Sir Edward: Thine “edge” ist blunted by thine age, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Hmph! I am still younger than certain others I could mention.
Sir Edward: I prithee, no Moore of that.
Sir James: Thou hast had me but as a teacher of late, to young knights! Many had died before my training, slain too young.
Sir Edward: Agreed, there hath been too many late Knights. The apothecaries say thine “edge” ist suffering from too much mead and tobacco.
Not William of Tanner: And the eating of white bread.
Sir James: Then in French bloomers I shalt take an interest.
Sir Edward: More than thine usual interest? Nothing French ist in order for thee lest it inflame thine health. A more abstemious regime awaits thee.
Sir James: Nay, you do not mean Shrubla-
Sir Edward: Ssh, dost thou want to get sued? To Bushgardens thou must go!
(Sir James groans....)
Moneypenny: To where are you going hence, Sir James?
Bond: I have been sent to stop French inflammations.
Moneypenny: Do be careful, Sir James!
Act 1, Scene 3. (Sir James guides his ancient carriage up to a magnificent mansion, with a sign reading "Bushgardens Health Clinic" hastily painted- the word "Shrublands" can faintly be seen underneath. He ist greeted by a steward.)
Steward: A beautiful carriage, good sir, they do not make them like this any more.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis true, but 'tis still in pretty good shape.
Steward: I shalt park it for thee round ye back.
Sir James: Watch out for that man with green train- (Thump.) Never mind.
(Sir James enters ye building where he is examined by an apothecary.)
Apothecary Wain: Hmm, thine body hast seen better days, methinks.
Sir James: Nay, 'tis still in pretty good shape.
Apothecary Wain: Much work is required- tell me, Sir James, what ist thine customary diet?
Sir James: Oh, I have simple tastes: Beluga caviar, roast beef and potato salad, ham sandwiches with plenty of mustard, Kobe beef, doner kebab, roast grouse, dressed crab, scrambled eggs...
Apothecary Wain: 'Tis no wonder thine liege hast sent thee here! From now on, thou willst eat artichokes and asparagus, beansprouts and beetroots, cabbage and kale, dandelions and.... (Ye Apothecary continues through the alphabet as Sir James groans..)
Act 1, Scene 4. (A secret chamber where many are gathered.)
Comte de Blofeld: 'Tis good to have such a meeting again, it has been many years.
Lord Kevin: I did try to be quicker, mine liege, but for many years was forestalled by Lord Cubby at every turn.
Comte de Blofeld: No matter, we are here now.
(Enter Fatima Blush dressed as an ostrich.)
Fatima: Comte Blofeld, may I inquire: I see there is no-one in your lap to stroke. Don't you have a companion?
Comte de Blofeld: I haven't had a pussy for years, I miss it.
(A Saint raises both eyebrows while sitting up in Double O Heaven. :007) )
Comte de Blofeld: Now to discuss our latest plans- Baron Largo, thou art in charge.
Baron Largo: I thank'ee, Comte. 'Tis our plan to purloin a ship laden with barrels of Greek Fire to use as a fire ship. We shalt steer it towards a crowded harbour, tie up the wheel, light the fuse and jump off- unless our ransom ist paid. In our employ ist one Yeoman Petachi, whom our agent Fatima Blush ist keeping hidden in Shrub... er, Bushgardens health clinic.
Act 1, Scene 5.(A corridor. Sir James ist nearly knocked down by Fatima Blush pushing a wheelchair in which sits a man with bandages over his head and hands. Fatima does not stop. A comely wench approaches.)
Patricia: I do apologise, 'twas not one of our staff.
Sir James: No matter, all ist fine. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Patricia: Ah, thou art Sir James. Patricia Fearing am I; thou art to attend mine chambers forthwith...
Sir James: But of course.
Patricia: ... for treatment of thine ills.
Sir James: ...Ah...
Patricia: Then afterwards a glass of Melograno's fermented milk.
Sir James: That all sounds lovely.
Act 1, Scene 6. (Ye chambers of Sir James, at Bushgardens. Sir James ist inspecting a hamper when there ist a knock on ye door. He covers ye hamper and opens ye door to find Patricia with a tray.)
Sir James: Do come in.
Patricia: Thine reputation precedes thee, Sir James, and I think such a reputation did not come from a diet of dandelions and dill. So, I hast brought thee a cheese sandwich.
(Sir James opens ye hamper to reveal his travelling delicatessen.)
Sir James: Fortunately I came prepared...
(Patricia's eyes roll with delight.)
Patricia: Delicious!
Sir James: Would thee like some broccoli?
Patricia: Sssh, ne'er say broccoli again.
(Meanwhile, in a chamber not far away, Fatima ist unwrapping ye bandages from the man in the wheelchair.)
Fatima: Now, just sit ye still, Jack, and we shall see...
Jack: Hurry, I prithee, Fatima, for tobacco I doth crave.
Fatima: No tobacco for thee, Jack Petachi, until all this ist over.
(She finishes unwrapping ye bandages.)
Jack: Well? Hast it worked?
Fatima: Oh yes, 'tis wonderful! Thine skin ist bright orange, and thine hair doth look most unnatural.
Jack: And mine hands?
Fatima: One moment... (Unwraps his hands.) Aye, thine hands are now most small.
Jack: These are great hands. These are great, great hands.
Fatima: Hey, thou can do the voice as well!
Act 1, Scene 7. (A gym.)
Sir James: (Doing press-ups.) One, two, three... (Looks around to make sure no-one ist watching.)... ninety-nine, one hundred! Now, what next...? (A steward approaches.)
Steward: Try these weights, Sir James. I'll look in and see how you're doing in fifteen minutes.
Sir James: (Fighting off deja vu.) ....fine.
(Ye steward departs. Sir James lies down and begins to lift ye weights. Silently, ye door opens and a large man walks up to Sir James.)
Lippe: Hello, Sir James, and farewell!
(He thrusts a weight down on Sir James, who lashes out with his foot and gets free. They struggle, breaking much furniture and equipment, until Sir James manages to thrust Lippe’s head into the waste bucket of the privy, where he ist drowned.)
Sir James: Thou shalt not take the piss out of me!
Act 1, Scene 8. (A harbour. Two guards stand before a ship.)
1st Guard: For what ist this ship laden with barrels of Greek Fire intended, mine friend?
2nd Guard: Who knows? Like mushrooms, we art kept in ye dark and fed...
((Enter Jack Petachi.)
Jack: Greetings, men, I wouldst enter yon ship.
1st Guard: Nay, for none may here enter except ye leader of those across the sea.
Jack: Dost thee not recognise me?
2nd Guard: (Looks more closely, then jumps to attention.) Aye, Mr President!
(Jack enters ye ship.)
1st Guard: Now there ist a surprise, ne’er did I think he wouldst come here himself and... hey, come back with that ship!!!
Act 1, Scene 8. (The throne room of Sir Edward Jackal.)
Sir Edward: Most vexed am I, Naught Naught Seven, great damage to yon clinic thou did cause for which I must pay recompense.
Sir James: Mayhap I should have let ye assassin slay me?
Sir Edward: Not this time, alas, for a mission I do have for thee. Great weapons have been purloined, Naught Naught Seven, ‘tis thine charge their location to ascertain. To the colonies across the sea I shall send thee, to Nassau.
Sir James: Hmm...
Not William of Tanner: Art thou feeling ill, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Nay, I just have this extraordinary feeling that this hast happened before...
Act 1, Scene 9. (Ye Old Wizard's lair. Enter Sir James.)
Sir James: Greetings, Wizard Algernon, I seek Ye Old Wizard.
Algernon: Alack, he hast gone off to India- he did say something about an egg covered with jewels.
Sir James: Sssh- ixnay on-ay at-thay ubject-say.
Algernon: 'Tis good to see thee back, Naught Naught Seven, we look forward to more bloodshed and fornication.
Sir James: Aye, most likely.
Algernon: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven- behold this enchanted sundial! 'Twill free thee from any chains in which thou may be held. Take also this stylus and elastic band- 'tis not perfected yet though it may prove useful to thee.
Sir James: And what ist this here?
Algernon: 'Tis for mine sinuses.
Sir James: Sinuses? Thou do jest, Algernon.
Algernon: I ne'er jest about my Vick, Naught Naught Seven.
Act 2, Scene 1.
(Scene where Sir James meets Mr Bean, or Johnny English, or even Edmund Blackadder?)
Act 2, Scene 2. (A drinking place in foreign climes, by a seashore.)
Steward: And what would thou like to drink, good sir?
Sir James: Mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken.
(Enter Fatima Blush, straight from ye ocean wearing half a dolphin and two coconuts. She stumbles into Sir James.)
Fatima: How reckless of me, I've made you all wet.
Sir James: Well hopefully later, I can do the same to you. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Fatima: Thou may know me as Fatima Blush. What brings thee to these parts, Sir James?
Sir James: I'll get to thy parts in good time, but first I hope'eth thee might assist me?
Fatima: Of course, I would love to assist you.
Sir James: And why would that be?
Fatima: I wouldst like thee to find what thou art looking for.
Sir James: Most grateful I am, fair maiden.
Fatima: Alas, I am neither.
Sir James: Lovely outfit, by the way.
Fatima: Oh, this old thing? I am just about finished with it- an offer I have had from a lady called Jones for mine old wardrobe. Dost thee swim, Sir James?
Sir James: 'Tis one of the two things I do like a fish.
Fatima: Then mayhap you would like to go down with me?
Sir James: I can think of nothing better.
Act 2, Scene 3. (Aboard a ship.)
Sir James: A most popular area for swimmers, I see.
Fatima: (Wearing a kimono made from rose petals.) We art almost there.
Sir James: A most fast ship thou hast. What does she do? About fifteen knots?
Fatima: Better than that. Near twenty.
Sir James: Hmm...
Fatima: Ist everything in order, Sir James?
Sir James: Oh, I just keep having this extraordinary feeling of deja- Hey, watch out for that swimmer with green flippers! (Splash, crunch.) Ah, too late.
Fatima: Ist he all right?
Sir James: Who can tell? But his sundial doth appear to be waterproof. Now, what was I saying about deja vu...?
Fatima: Methinks we have reached ye spot, Sir James. 'Tis time to prepare for our swim.
Sir James: Most certainly.
(Sir James begins to remove his doublet. Fatima watches with interest.)
Sir James: You said something about going down?
Fatima: Aye, and thou said something about making me all wet...
(A discreet interval later, Sir James and Fatima doth swim under the sea. Fatima swims off, and Sir James ist attacked by mutated sea bass. He manages to escape them and swims up to ye surface.)
Sir James: Frickin' mutated sea bass!
Act 2, Scene 4. (Ye lodgings of Sir James. There ist a knock on ye door.)
Lord Felix: (Warily.) I bid thee greetings, Sir James.
Sir James: Lord Felix! Do come in... but why art thou so wary?
Lord Felix: I wast afraid thou might punch me in mine stomach for no good reason... again.
Sir James: Most pleased am I to see thee- it hast been a long time.
Lord Felix: Aye, 'tis true- I have been doing legal work. I bear news- there are suspicions about a man named Baron Largo, we should investigate him forthwith.
Sir James: Baron Largo? Ist he Italian, with white hair and an eyepatch?
Lord Felix: Nay, he ist blond and Teutonic. Why dost thou ask?
Sir James: No reason...
Lord Felix: His ship ist rogered, I mean moored in ye harbour- and a strange name it hast.
Sir James: Ye Flying Saucer? Disco Volante perhaps?
Lord Felix: Nay, 'tis ye Unidentified Disc. He ist there with his ladyfriend, one Domino.
Sir James: Largo.. Domino...
Lord Felix: Art thou feeling all right, Sir James?
Sir James: Oh, 'tis nothing, I just keep getting this sensation of.... never mind.
(A beauteous maiden enters.)
Nicole: Greetings, Sir James, and your handsome friend.
Lord Felix: Hello!
Sir James: Lord Felix, meet mine assistant, Nicole.
Lord Felix: Most charmed, most charmed. (Aside.) Not Paula, then?
Sir James: Ah, it's happening to you as well!
Act 2, Scene 5. (Outside a health clinic. Ye hastily painted sign reads "Bushlands". A most beauteous wench wearing a blindfold find her way in, followed shortly by Sir James.)
Stewardess: Can I help thee, good sir?
Sir James: Aye, if thee doth serve men here.
Stewardess: But of course, though some are served more throughly than others. Through that door there, I prithee.
(Sir James wanders around until he spies ye wench, lying on a bench covered in a towel.)
Sir James: Thou dost await a massage?
Domino: Aye, 'tis so.
(Sir James begins to knead her flesh.)
Sir James: Art thou staying here long?
Domino: Just arrived have I, on a yacht in the harbour- ye Unidentified Disc.
Sir James: Ah, Baron Largo's ship.
Domino: Thou knowest ye Baron?
Sir James: Nay, I merely know of him.
(Sir James begins to need her flesh.)
Sir James: Tell me, I prithee, why ye blindfold?
Domino: I must wear it for 9 1/2 weeks- but that ends tonight. Mmm, thine massage doth relieve mine tensions.
Sir James: Well, I've had quite a bit of practi....
Domino: Sorry?
Sir James: Oh, 'tis nothing, I just had this extraordinary feeling of... never mind.
Domino: Tonight Baron Largo ist holding a charity ball in ye grand casino.
Sir James: And hast he held many balls?
Domino: I have never asked- why not attend?
(Sir James spies ye real masseuse approaching, and casually strolls off.)
Masseuse: Greetings, I am Peaceful Fountains of Desire, and I shalt be thine masseuse.
Domino: But... but...
Masseuse: Well, if you insist though I was planning to do thine shoulders first.
Steward: And what would thou like to drink, good sir?
Sir James: Mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken.
(Enter Fatima Blush, straight from ye ocean wearing ??? She stumbles into Sir James.)
Fatima: How reckless of me, I've made you all wet.
Sir James: Well hopefully later, I can do the same to you. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Fatima: Thou may know me as Fatima Blush. What brings thee to these parts, Sir James?
Sir James: I'll get to thy parts in good time, but First I Hope-ith thee might assist me ?
Fatima: Of course, I would love to assist you.
Sir James: And why would that be?
Fatima: I wouldst like thee to find what thou art looking for.
Sir James: Most grateful I am, fair maiden.
Fatima: Alas, I am neither.
Sir James: Lovely outfit, by the way.
Fatima: Oh, this old thing? I am just about finished with it- an offer I have had from a lady called Jones for mine old wardrobe. Dost thee swim, Sir James?
Sir James: 'Tis one of the two things I do like a fish.
Fatima: Then mayhap you would like to go down with me?
Sir James: I can think of nothing better.
Comte de Blofeld: 'Tis good to have such a meeting again, it has been many years.
Lord Kevin: I did try to be quicker, mine liege, but was forestalled by Lord Cubby at every turn.
Comte de Blofeld: No matter, we are here now.
(Enter Fatima Blush dressed as an ostrich.)
Comte de Blofeld: Now to discuss our latest plans- Baron Largo, thou art in charge.
Baron Largo: I thank'ee, Comte. 'Tis our plan to purloin a ship laden with barrels of Greek Fire to use as a fire ship. We shalt steer it towards a crowded harbour, tie up the wheel, light the fuse and jump off- unless our ransom ist paid. In our employ ist one Yeoman Petachi, whom our agent Fatima Blush ist keeping hidden in Shrub... er, Bushgardens health clinic.
A line or two for Fatima? Someone (Blofeld or Fatima, maybe) asks Largo where his eyepatch is? A cat/pussy joke? Blofeld kills one of his people for something trivial (maybe do the Austin Powers thing where Will Ferrell isn't totally dead)?
Fatima Blush: Comte Blofeld, may I inquire: I see there is no-one in your lap to stroke. Don't you have a companion?
Blofeld: I haven't had a pussy for years, I miss it.
(Roger Moore raises both eyebrows while sitting up in Heaven :007) )
(1) Stuff James likes to eat [Edit: done this now]
(2) Stuff he'd hate to eat [Edit: done that now, too]
I've come up with an idea (above) for how Jack Petachi steals the ship- since he's meant to use a surgically-altered duplicate of the President's eye, I just varied it a bit... Needed a scene with Fatima in the clinic to set it up.
Managed the Lippe fight, though those bits aren't my favourite to do. Of course feel free to alter any of the scenes above!
Still no ideas for the Rowan Atkinson character. Perhaps Edmund Blackadder might be the most appropriate (the 2nd one, of course)?
Sir James: Greetings, fair Domino, I believe I owe thee an explanation.
Domino: You! I shouldst have thee charged!
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond, and I have information for thee about thine brother.
Domino: My brother? He's a wonderful person. He made me cry when we were children... art thou all right?
Sir James: I prithee, give me a moment, 'tis just this feeling of deja...
(Enter Baron Largo.)
Largo: Sir James Bond, is it not? Come with me, Sir James. Let us donate to this good cause.
Sir James: You hold balls for charity, Baron?
Largo: Aye, 'tis so. Sometimes for fun, too.
Well, they can't go play a video game- any ideas?
Sir James: Greetings, fair Domino, I believe I owe thee an explanation.
Domino: You! I shouldst have thee charged!
Sir James : No Need, I did over one hundred press ups earlier, so fully charged !
Domino : Aye, it seems to have affected thine hair ?
( Sir James quickly adjusts his hair line )
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond, and I have information for thee about thine brother.
Domino: My brother? He's a wonderful person. He made me cry when we were children... art thou all right?
Sir James: I prithee, give me a moment, 'tis just this feeling of deja...
Domino : As I said, he made me cry, he'd come in to my room and peel onions or tell a story
abouut an old hound called " Old Yeller " or That Sir Edward Sheeran was doing an espionage
theme song ..
Sir James : ( Aside) Sounds a right little terror
(Enter Baron Largo.)
Largo: Sir James Bond, is it not? Come with me, Sir James. Let us donate to this good cause, My
Balls are famous and hath made much money.
Sir James : I believe manys a naughty parchment hath also featured men with large Ball ....
Largo : Nay, I do it for the orphans
Sir James: You hold balls for charity, Baron?
Largo: Aye, 'tis so. Sometimes for fun, too. I like to help the great unwashed. I be'ith a man
of many parts, T'is the only time I let the public see my inner santum.Normally I t'would never
expose my private parts........ well only to a select few .......do you enjoy sport, Sir James ?
Sir James : It definetly sounds better than looking at your private parts, ..... lead on
Largo : Splendid lets have some sport
1st Guard: For what ist this ship laden with barrels of Greek Fire intended, mine friend?
2nd Guard: Who knows? Like mushrooms, we art kept in ye dark and fed...
((Enter Jack Petachi.)
Jack: Greetings, men, I wouldst enter yon ship.
1st Guard: Nay, for none may here enter except ye leader of those across the sea.
Jack: Dost thee not recognise me? The amazing blonde hairstyle and orange skin ?
These plans for a large wall ?
2nd Guard: (Looks more closely, then jumps to attention.) Aye, Mr President!
(Jack enters ye ship.)
1st Guard: Now there ist a surprise, ne’er did I think he wouldst come here himself and... hey, come back with that ship!!!
I'll get back to work on this tomorrow, it's been a busy weekend.
Act 2, Scene 6. (A gambling tavern.)
Sir James: Greetings, fair Domino, I believe I owe thee an explanation.
Domino: You! I shouldst have thee charged!
Sir James: No need, I did over one hundred press ups earlier, so fully charged!
Domino: Aye, it seems to have affected thine hair?
(Sir James quickly adjusts his hair line.)
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond, and I have information for thee about thine brother.
Domino: My brother? He's a wonderful person. He made me cry when we were children... art thou all right?
Sir James: I prithee, give me a moment, 'tis just this feeling of deja...
Domino: As I said, he made me cry, he'd come in to my room and peel onions or tell a story about an old hound called "Old Yeller" or that Sir Edward Sheeran was doing an espionage theme song ...
Sir James: (Aside.) Sounds a right little terror.
(Enter Baron Largo.)
Largo: Sir James Bond, is it not? Come with me, Sir James. Let us donate to this good cause. My balls are famous and hath made much money.
Sir James: I believe manys a naughty parchment hath also featured men with large ball....
Largo: Nay, I do it for the orphans. This is for the “Social Society for Skint Striplings.”
Shir Shean, er, Shir Jamesh: That’sh eashy for you to shay.
Largo: I work for them often.
Sir James: You hold balls for charity, Baron?
Largo: Aye, 'tis so. Sometimes for fun, too. I like to help the great unwashed. I be'eth a man of many parts, ‘tis the only time I let the public see my inner sanctum. Normally I ‘twould never expose my private parts........ well, only to a select few....... do you enjoy sport, Sir James?
Sir James: It definitely sounds better than looking at your private parts..... lead on.
Largo: Splendid, let us have some sport.
Number 24 suggests:
"It has to be sillier than what they did in the movie. Largo and James could play chess while sitting on chairs of nails.... or thrones made of swords (Game of Thrones)..... or thrones of table knives, forks and spoons. Game of Utensils!
Largo considered making the thrones by melting together swords, but decided this was too expensive. Utensils it is! Or Game of Cutlery?"
...which is better than anything I can come up with.
In front of two large fireplaces, as they lose , servants
Put more logs on the fires, increasing the heat, until
It gets too hot for one player ?
(Baron Largo leads Sir James to a long table, with two curious chairs at either side in front of two large fireplaces.)
Sir James: These chairs look most strange, though I am most relieved that mine does not have a hole in the seat.
Largo: Ye chairs art made from metal forks, knives, and spoons.
Sir James: Ah, ‘tis a Game of Utensils or mayhap Cutlery then?
Largo: I did think about making them from swords but that would be silly. Sit down, Sir James.
(They sit, as a crowd gathers.)
Sir James: And what ist ye game we shall play?
Largo: Battleships! (He produces a box containing the game, and two blond stewards lay out papers and a stylus before the players before retreating to the fireplaces. One of ye stewards hast a hand made of gold, while ye other ist very short.) Shall we begin? You go first.
Sir James: A3.
Largo. Miss! B2.
Sir James: Hit. Ow! Mine chair ist getting hotter!
Largo: Oh, I didst forget to tell thee- for every hit, ye stewards will throw more logs upon the fire behind the player hit so unlike armchair admirals we will share the pain of our sailors. As thou wert unaware of this, we begin again. C2.
Sir James: Miss. C2!
Largo: Hit!
(Ye stewards put more logs on Baron Largo's fire. He begin'eth to sweat...)
Largo: A5.
Sir James: Miss. D6.
(Ye heat rises as the game continues. Both Sir James and Baron Largo start to feel very warm, then hot, then begin to burn... Finally Baron Largo stands up.)
Largo: Thou hast won, Sir James.
Sir James: Settle I shalt for one dance with Domino.
(Baron Largo signals for ye band to begin. The bass player hurriedly puts down his whisky and they play. Sir James leads Domino to the floor and they dance.)
Domino: Tell me what thou doth seek and why thou art here.
Sir James: ‘Tis a great conspiracy, and it doth involve thine brother.
Domino: I never meet anyone like my brother.
Sir James: Only men such as me or Largo?
Domino: Thou art not like him. I can tell by the way thou doth... hold me.
Sir James: Damn, déjà vu all over again... Thine brother ist dead. (Domino gasps.) Keep dancing!
(Sir James takes off his doublet, throwing it to the side and hitting Baron Largo in the face, revealing a white waistcoat while he points to ye ceiling. He and Domino perform a spectacular dance display until Baron Largo stops ye music.)
Baron Largo: Thou can dance exceedingly well, Sir James. I prithee, join us on our boat for lunch tomorrow. ‘Tis in ye harbour and ‘tis called ye Disco Vo... er, Unidentified Disc.
Sir James: Most certainly.
Act 2, Scene 4. (At ye lodgings of Sir James. There ist a knock on ye door.)
Lord Felix: (Warily.) I bid thee greetings, Sir James.
Sir James: Lord Felix! Do come in... but why art thou so wary?
Lord Felix: I wast afraid thou might punch me in mine stomach for no good reason... again.
Sir James: Most pleased am I to see thee- it hast been a long time.
Lord Felix: Aye, 'tis true- I have been doing legal work. I bear news- there are suspicions about a man named Baron Largo, we should investigate him forthwith.
Sir James: Baron Largo? Ist he Italian, with white hair and an eyepatch?
Lord Felix: Nay, he ist blond and Teutonic. Why dost thou ask?
Sir James: No reason...
Lord Felix: His ship ist rogered, I mean moored in ye harbour- and a strange name it hast.
Sir James: Ye Flying Saucer? Disco Volante perhaps?
Lord Felix: Nay, 'tis ye Unidentified Disc. He ist there with his ladyfriend, one Domino.
Sir James: Largo.. Domino...
Lord Felix: Art thou feeling all right, Sir James?
Sir James: Oh, 'tis nothing, I just keep getting this sensation of.... never mind.
(A beauteous maiden enters.)
Lord Felix: Hello!
Sir James: Lord Felix, meet mine assistant, Nicole.
Lord Felix: Not Paula, then?
Sir James: Ah, it's happening to you as well!
Nicole: Thou hast received a package from thine Wizard, Sir James. Behold!
(Nicole indicates a large package, wrapped in brown paper.)
Lord Felix: Ye Old Wizard? But methinks he ist in India, helping Roger Moo-
Sir James: (Most quickly.) Nay, ‘tis from Wizard Algernon. (Aside.) Mention that not, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: Oh, yes, sorry.
Nicole: Shalt we unwrap it?
Sir James: But of course.
(Sir James, Nicole and Lord Felix begin to unwrap ye package.)
Lord Felix: A saddle? A set of reins?
Nicole: And a bag of oats...?
Sir James: Wait, there ist more underneath... (He pulls off the last of ye wrapping paper.)
Lord Felix: A horse! From a Wizard, 'tis most likely an enchanted steed. Sir James, there ist a note tied to its tail, what does it say?
(Sir James peers at ye note.)
Sir James: It says... “Feed at other end.”
Nicole: And there ist another note, tied to its nose.
Sir James: It says... "See tail for instructions."
Lord Felix: Nay!
Nicole: Nay!
Horse: Neigh!
Sir James: Don't you start...
Sir James: Nicole?
(Sir James finds Nicole lying dead and hears footsteps. Chasing, he sees Fatima Blush mounting a horse. Apace, he mounts ye steed sent by Wizard Algernon and gives chase (narrowly avoiding running over a man in green trainers) but ist dismounted by Fatima, who holds him at swordpoint.)
Fatima: Thou art quite a man, Sir James Bond.
Sir James: Well, I have not had any complaints so far.
Fatima: Mayhap, but I am a superior woman.
Sir James: I hast no problem with a woman in a superior position, as many will testify.
Fatima: Yet no doubt I wast ye best!
Sir James: Hmm... well, there was Vanessa Redgrave...
Fatima: Liar- that was Timothy Dalton! Take ye this scroll and write!
(Fatima tosses Sir James a scroll. From a pocket on his doublet he produces ye stylus given him by Wizard Algernon, and ye elastic band.)
Fatima: Now write- “Ye greatest rapture in my life was-
(Sir James uses ye elastic band to fire ye stylus into Fatima’s bosom.)
Fatima: ...what?
(Fatima dies from ink poisoning. Enter Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: I didst wonder how thou was going to get out of that.
Sir James: Thou hast been here ye whole time?
Lord Felix: Oh, I knew thou had ye situation well in hand. Now, tell me more about this Vanessa....