Some of the objects could be, Cream, Custard, Fruit, jelly and some sponge fingers.
to use the line " Don't trifle with me " or " He was only trifling with me "
or Oddjob could stack the items Bond throws ( at first ) as he's a champion at Tetris.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Well, here's a draft incorporating most of the above ideas-
(From outside ist heard the sound of fighting. Quickly, He of the Gilded Finger runs out of the massive door and locks it behind him.)
Kirsch: What? This cannot be! (He runs to ye door and struggles to open it, but Oddjob slays him with a single blow then turns to smile at Sir James.)
Sir James: Do not be a fool, Oddjob- we shalt die here unless yon door can be opened! (Oddjob only smiles. Sir James picks up a piece of wood and smashes him across his face, to no avail, then Oddjob casually throws Sir James against a pile of gold. Sir James grabs one of the gold ingots and throws it, but it merely bounces off Oddjob’s chest. Oddjob picks up a handful of conveniently placed cream, custard, fruit, jelly and some sponge fingers then throws them at Naught Naught Seven, who ducks out of their way.)
Sir James: Do not trifle with me!
Oddjob: Ah-har! (Desperately Sir James grabs a bucket and throws ye contents over Oddjob- it turns out to be tar, and only makes him angry enough to grasp his deadly hat and throw it. Sir James manages to dive out of the way, landing on a handy pillow. He picks up Oddjob’s hat and throws it back, but Oddjob merely moves his head and ye hat wedges itself next to one of the flaming torches that light the coffer. Running out of options, Sir James throws the pillow but it bursts, leaving Oddjob covered with feathers sticking to the tar as he reaches for his hat.)
Sir James: Turn and fight, you chicken! (Oddjob grasps his hat, but ye flames from the torch set fire to the tar and feathers covering him, and he expires in a flash just as Lord Felix and his men break down the door and run in.)
Lord Felix: Santiago! Sir James, art thou all right? And what happened to thine butler friend?
Sir James: Oh, some people in one’s road really burn you up these days. I prithee, where ist He of the Gilded Finger? Hast thou caught him?
Lord Felix: Alack, he did fly off in a winged chariot driven by a most comely wench.
Sir James: Pussy!
Lord Felix: Later, Sir James, we have more important things to worry about right now.
Sir James: Nay, she ist ye driver of the chariot- apace, Lord Felix, we must stop him before he causes ye volcano to erupt!
(They run quickly out of ye coffer and gaze up the slopes of ye volcano.)
Sir James: Look there, up in the sky.
Lord Felix: Is it a bird? Is it a pigeon? (Does double-take.)
Sir James: Nay, Lord Felix, ‘tis He of the Gilded Finger about to cause a massive eruption.
Lord Felix: I usually find it helpful to think of baseball when that ist about to happen...
Sir James: If only it would rain, a huge rainstorm would snuff out ye volcano.
Lord Felix: Sir James, in thine homeland do they know a raindance?
Sir James: Alack, in mine homeland we have ye exact opposite problem- some do a dance to stop the rain.
Lord Felix: Could thee do this dance backwards? It may cause the rain to fall!
Sir James: Dance backwards...? (Sir James cautiously begins a few dance steps. Lord Felix watches intently, then joins in copying the moves. Together the two dance furiously.)
Lord Felix: Lo, Sir James, look up! 'Tis a cloud! (As they dance more and more clouds appear in ye sky. Smoke begins to seep from ye volcano, then a few flames appear, gradually going stronger. The clouds thicken and darken.)
Sir James: Keep dancing, Felix, keep dancing! (Lord Felix calls to his men.)
Lord Felix: Everybody, join in! You there, the three brothers- you should be dancing, yeah! 'Twill cause a chain reaction and prevent a tragedy. (As more and more join the dance, ye clouds begin a steady downpour of rain which grows heavier and heavier. The volcano ist snuffed out. Sir James grabs Lord Felix by ye hand and the two dance fervently together.)
Lord Felix: (Gasping for air.) ...er... Sir James, methinks we could stop dancing now. James? I said stop! Sir James!!!
Sir James: Oh, er, sorry. Got a bit carried away.
Lord Felix: 'Tis over, we have won.
Sir James: Aye, but He of the Gilded Finger did escape.
) Like the Bee Gees Joke. When Felix calls to his men, could he call the
Police yeoman, The Native american soldier, the Construction worker......
singing " It's fun to work for the American C.I.A. "
Lord Felix: (Gasping for air.) ...er... Sir James, methinks we could stop dancing now. James? I said stop! Sir James!!! You've entered the danger zone where the dancer becomes the Dance !
Sir James: Oh, er, sorry. Got a bit carried away, but thee hast to understand. I enjoy my Dancing.
Lord Felix: I must say James, I was impressed with your Bailatino !
Sir James: Thank yee, It's these damn tights again, Sir Tom Ford always cuts then too Tight !
Lord Felix: 'Tis over, we have won.
Sir James : Aye, but He of the Gilded Finger did escape.
Could James try and Impress Felix, with a few " Look at me Felix " pleas
Sir James: " look Felix, This is a bit Urban, so the young junior wizard hath told me."
( Sir James doth, spin on his head and crawl like a caterpillar )
Felix : " Impressive ! But this be-ith all the rage in Washington, ... The Robot "
( Felix doth start to move like a mechanical man )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(They run quickly out of ye coffer and gaze up the slopes of ye volcano.)
Sir James: Look there, up in the sky.
Lord Felix: Is it a bird? Is it a pigeon? (Does double-take.)
Sir James: Nay, Lord Felix, ‘tis He of the Gilded Finger about to cause a massive eruption.
Lord Felix: I usually find it helpful to think of baseball when that ist about to happen...
Sir James: If only it would rain, a huge rainstorm would snuff out ye volcano.
Lord Felix: Sir James, in thine homeland do they know a raindance?
Sir James: Alack, in mine homeland we have ye exact opposite problem- some do a dance to stop the rain.
Lord Felix: Could thee do this dance backwards? It may cause the rain to fall!
Sir James: Dance backwards...? (Sir James cautiously begins a few dance steps. Lord Felix watches intently, then joins in copying the moves. Together the two dance furiously.)
Lord Felix: Lo, Sir James, look up! 'Tis a cloud! (As they dance more and more clouds appear in ye sky. Smoke begins to seep from ye volcano, then a few flames appear, gradually going stronger. The clouds thicken and darken.)
Sir James: Keep dancing, Felix, keep dancing! (Lord Felix calls to his men.)
Lord Felix: Everybody, join in! You there, the three brothers- you should be dancing, yeah! 'Twill cause a chain reaction and prevent a tragedy. (Three men in white suits begin to dance.)
Lord Felix: And you there- ye constable, ye Native American soldier, ye construction worker, ye cowboy, ye sailor... (As more and more join the dance and sing “It’s fun to work for ye American C.I.A.”, ye clouds begin a steady downpour of rain which grows heavier and heavier. The volcano ist snuffed out.)
Sir James: Look at me, Felix, this move ist a bit urban, so the young junior wizard hath told me. (Sir James doth spin on his head and crawl like a caterpillar.)
Lord Felix: Impressive! But this be’eth all the rage in Washington- The Robot! (Lord Felix doth start to move like a mechanical man.)
Sir James: Excellent! (Sir James grabs Lord Felix by ye hand and the two dance ever more fervently together.)
Lord Felix: (Gasping for air.) ...er... Sir James, methinks we could stop dancing now. James? I said stop! Sir James!!! You've entered the danger zone where the dancer becomes the dance!
Sir James: Oh, er, sorry. Got a bit carried away, but thee hast to understand: I enjoy my dancing.
Lord Felix: I must say James, I was impressed with your Bailatino!
Sir James: Thank’ee, ‘tis these damn tights again, Sir Tom Ford always cuts then too tight!
Lord Felix: 'Tis over, we have won.
Sir James : Aye, but He of the Gilded Finger did escape.
I always felt the GF parody felt unfinished, but thanks to you guys {[] it's now done. Of course, if anyone wants to do more (the car chase scene, for example) please go ahead!
( Sir James doth follow the carriage of Gilded finger in his own sports carriage ... When
a beautiful madien passes him with much haste ....)
Sir James : Discipline naught, naught seven .... discipline ! These young Maidens
driving sports carriages, smoking, ............. they'll be voting next ! ...... T'would
seem Gilded finger is stopping for refreshments, I knew he couldn't resist getting his
lips round a lovely Pear.
( A crossbow bolt flashes past Sir James's Head, he turns in time to see the Maiden run
off, and in her carriage make hast away, Sir James quickly manouvers his own carriage beside
hers, Sir James reaches for a lever marked "Boudica" slashing her wheel and sending her crashing
in to a hedge ....)
Sir James: Gadzooks !!! must be a defect of some sort, Thes new low profile carriage wheels,...
.... Goodyear?
Maiden: Not really first I lost my Sist.... er ? Can you take me to the nearest Village ?
Sir James : Of course, let me carry your bags, This Crossbow case is beautiful. I had one
just like it.
Maiden : Nay, it be-ith for my ... er ...... Beach Elephant polo trunks !
Sir James : Lovely Sport, although I thought the elephants brought their own trunks.
Maiden : That's irrelephant.
Sir James : As Ivory well know
Maiden : look, the's an Inn, You can let me alight here.
Sir James : I didn't know you wanted a smoke, You could have had a pull on my ...
( The maiden dismounts with her bag )
Sir James : He looks to be in charge ( Sir James points at an inn keeper )
Maiden : Super Visor ?
Sir James : Thank yee, I polish it every Knight
Maiden : Goodbye
Sir James : Goodbye, don't forget to write.
Maiden : Sorry I didn't know you were an Uber, I'll give you a good review.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sorry, guys, my fault for not being clear- I meant the car chase where a guy gets ejected, a little old lady has a machine gun and James crashes into a mirror. But your ideas are better than what I had!
(In ye carriage supplied by ye Old Wizard, Sir James follows the gilded carriage across Europe. At one point, a smaller carriage driven by a pretty maiden doth overtake him. Sir James almost chases after, but...)
Sir James: Discipline, Naught Naught Seven.... discipline. These young maidens driving sports carriages, smoking, ............ they'll be voting next ! (High in ye mountains of Switzerland, ye gilded carriage draws to a halt as He of the Gilded Finger stops to buy some fruit, lentils and chickpeas.)
Sir James: ‘Twould seem He of the Gilded Finger ist stopping for refreshment. I should have known he would not be able to resist getting his lips about a lovely pear. (A crossbow bolt flashes past Sir James's head, he turns in time to see the maiden run off and in her carriage make haste away. Sir James quickly manoeuvres his own carriage beside hers, then reaches for a lever marked "Boudica" slashing her wheel and sending her crashing into a hedge.)
Sir James: (Aside.) This is a fine way to meet maidens. This one didn't break a single bone in the crash- how fortunate!(Aloud.) Gadzooks!!! Must be a defect of some sort, these new low profile carriage wheels... Goodyear?
Maiden: Not really, first I lost my sist.... er, can you take me to the nearest village ?
Sir James: Of course, let me carry your bags, I shalt be only too pleased to give thee a ride. I am he who ist called-
Maiden: With all speed, I prithee.
Sir James: This crossbow case is beautiful. I had one just like it.
Maiden : Nay, it be’eth for my... er..... beach elephant polo trunks !
Sir James: Lovely sport, although I thought the elephants brought their own trunks.
Maiden: That's irrelephant.
Sir James: As Ivory well know. (They enter ye carriage of Sir James and drive off.)
Sir James: And how may I call thee?
Maiden: Thou may know me as Maiden Tilly... er... St John Pseudonym Smythe. (Sir James notices that her baggage ist stamped "TM".)
Sir James: Hmm...
Maiden Tilly: Watch out for that man with the green trainers! (Thump.)
Sir James: No matter, he will be back.
Maiden: Look, there's an inn, thou can let me alight here.
Sir James: I didn't know you wanted a smoke, you could have had a pull on my... (Ye maiden dismounts with her bag.)
Sir James: He looks to be in charge. (Sir James points at an innkeeper.)
Maiden: Super Visor ?
Sir James: Thank ye, I polish it every Knight
Maiden: Goodbye, then.
Sir James: Goodbye, don't forget to write.
Maiden: Sorry I didn't know you were an Uber, I'll give you a good review.
(Later, Sir James ist outside a factory. Ye sign reads "Gilded Finger Enterprises. Perfectly Normal Stuff Going On Here." He approaches ye fence, but trips over someone lying on the grass.)
Maiden Tilly: Ow! Watch where thou art putting thine feet!
Sir James: Maiden Tilly- what art thou doing here?
Maiden Tilly: I doth try to slay He of the Gilded Finger- he did kill mine sister!
Sir James: "TM".... Tilly Masterson!
Maiden Tilly: Nay, Masterton- that was only ever a typo by Richard Maibaum. (An arrow flies between them. Sir James turns to see Oddjob and several armed men.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Sir James: Run for it, to mine carriage I prithee! (They run to ye carriage, hotly pursued.)
Sir James: Quick, Maiden Tilly, get in! (Oddjob and his men enter their carriages and follow.)
Now is the time for Sir James to use the gadgets supplied by ye Old Wizard to shake off his pursuers, and the sillier the better! He still gets captured and Tilly gets killed, of course.
After Bond slashes the weels of her carriage he comments:
-This is a fine way to meet maiden. This time the wench didn't even break anything!
Perhaps "This is a fine way to meet maidens. This one didn't break a single bone in the cash - how fortunate!" would be better?
In the iconic car chase Bond crashes after seing his own car in a large mirror. In our version he knows there is a cave behind a waterfall. He plans to scared by driving through the water, but drives his carriage into the wrong waterfall.
The waterfall is good, but that's the end of the chase. We need James & Tilly being chased by Oddjob & henchmen, James using gadgets, them getting caught & Tilly killed, James & a henchman then drive back to the factory where the henchman is ejected using the seat on springs, a little old lady with ??? (not a sub-machine gun), a confusing chase.... then the waterfall!
Sir James: Run for it, to mine carriage I prithee!
(They run to ye carriage, hotly pursued.)
Sir James: Quick, Maiden Tilly, get in!
(Oddjob and his men enter their carriages and follow.)
Sir James : Worry not fare Tilly, I hath had some optional extras fitted..
Would'st thee care to place thine lips on my manly pipe ?
Maiden Tilly : Sir James thine art incorrigible, always thinking of your "Pipe"
Sir James : Nay, its tobacco is a special blend from the Old Wizard, and will
produce much smoke, to confuse these blagards !
(Sir james gives a display of superb carriagemanship to dispach several of his pursuers But
finds his path blocked by a fallen tree )
Sir James : Hide in that wood,
Maiden Tilly : What wood ? I can not see
Sir James : Why it beith straight in front of thee !
Maiden Tilly : Aye, I couldn't see the wood for the trees.
( She runs but is struck down by Oddjob's hat and Sir James is forced back to drive his
carriage once again back to Gilded Finger's lair )
Guard : Good day Sir James, I am known as Chin, I'll be your Brigand for this evening. Please
don't try anything foolish, I have this stiletto ready to Pierce thine flesh !
Sir James : Jimmy Choo's or Christian Louboutin ?
( they soon arrive at the gate house to Gilded Finger's estate, an old woman is the
keeper of the Gate )
Sir James : Who beith the Keeper of the Gate ?
Guard : Oh, that's Lexi. she is wise and tells fortunes.
Sir James : I hath come across maidens like that before.
Guard Oh, listen to her boasting !.. Lord Gilded finger, knew some of us lads were missing our
home comforts, so to speak. So employed her as a bit of eye candy.
Sir James : Sorry, But I cannot raise my eyebrow high enough !
Guard : Yes, she loves getting her expert hands on our, Socks.
Sir James : Thee did say Socks ?
Guard : Aye, for all the home comforts likeith Darning of socks, Cooking some lovely pies
and tucking us in to bed at night with a story. or telling us about our future.
( as they talk Sir James moves his foot across to a pedal marked "Pixie Dust"....... )
Sir James : Had she any portent for thee ?
Guard : Aye, a promotion me thinks, as she did speak of me Rising or gaining stature.
Sir James : She hath the power, Sorry old boy, But as we say Chin Chin.
( Sir James steps on the pedal and the guard is flung from his seat by a large spring ! As
he flies through the air the guard screams )
Guard : Ah !!! ...
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Very good, even though I think Lexi should fire the cannon at Bond's carriage. I also think the guard should make a Willhelm Scream when he is flung from the seat.
(Barbel is probably in a Mods meeting discussing what to do with me after the Pekka & Toivonen jokes in Random Chat. ) )
) Still a work in progress, any and all amendments welcome. Given
how in the film, Goldfinger has a smelting operation for his gold. I'd
love to slip in a line along the lines of " Who smelt it, dealt it " perhaps
in the dinner scene with M at the bank of England ?
That was one naughty joke N24 {[] )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
( Sir James steps on the pedal and the guard is flung from his seat by a large spring ! As
he flies through the air the guard screams )
Guard : Ah !!! ...
Sir James: I thought thou said thine name was Chin? That sounds more like a Wilhelm scream! (Sir James turns his carriage and head for ye gate, but ye Keeper of the Gate produces a large cannon and fires directly at him. He turns back, and ist followed by Oddjob and his men.)
( Sir James steps on the pedal and the guard is flung from his seat by a large spring ! As
he flies through the air the guard screams )
Guard : Ah !!! ...
Sir James: I thought thou said thine name was Chin? That sounds more like a Wilhelm scream! (Sir James turns his carriage and head for ye gate, but ye Keeper of the Gate produces a large cannon and fires directly at him. He turns back, and ist followed by Oddjob and his men.)
Maiden Tilly: Ow! Watch where thou art putting thine feet!
Sir James: Maiden Tilly- what art thou doing here?
Maiden Tilly: I doth try to slay He of the Gilded Finger- he did kill mine sister!
Sir James: "TM".... Tilly Masterson!
Maiden Tilly: Nay, Masterton- that was only ever a typo by Richard Maibaum. (An arrow flies between them. Sir James turns to see Oddjob and several armed men.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Sir James: Run for it, to mine carriage I prithee! (They run to ye carriage, hotly pursued.)
Sir James: Quick, Maiden Tilly, get in! (Oddjob and his men enter their carriages and follow.)
Sir James: Worry not fair Tilly, I hath had some optional extras fitted. Would'st thee care to place thine lips on my manly pipe ?
Maiden Tilly: Sir James thou art incorrigible, always thinking of your "pipe".
Sir James: Nay, its tobacco is a special blend from ye Old Wizard, and will produce much smoke to confuse these blaggards! (Sure enough ye blaggards are confused. Sir James gives a display of superb carriagemanship to dispatch several of his pursuers but finds his path blocked by a fallen tree.)
Sir James: Hide in that wood.
Maiden Tilly: What wood? I cannot see any wood.
Sir James: Why it be’eth straight in front of thee!
Maiden Tilly: Oh. Aye, I couldn't see the wood for the trees. (She runs but is struck down by Oddjob's hat and Sir James is forced under guard to drive his carriage once again back to He of the Gilded Finger's lair.)
Guard: Good day Sir James, I am known as Chin, I'll be your Brigand for this evening. Please don't try anything foolish, I have this stiletto ready to Pierce thine flesh!
Sir James: Jimmy Choo's or Christian Louboutin?
Guard: Take heed, Sir James, watch out for that man with green- (Thump.) .... trainers.
Sir James: He will be back, I am sure. (They soon arrive at the gatehouse to He of the Gilded Finger's estate, an old woman is the keeper of the gate.)
Sir James: Who be’eth the Keeper of the Gate?
Guard: Oh, that ist Lexi. She is wise and tells fortunes.
Sir James: I hath come across maidens like that before.
Guard: Oh, listen to her boasting! He of the Gilded Finger knew some of us lads were missing our home comforts, so to speak, so employed her as a bit of eye candy.
Sir James: Sorry, but I cannot raise my eyebrow high enough!
Guard: Yes, she loves getting her expert hands on our socks.
Sir James: Thee did say socks?
Guard: Aye, for all the home comforts like’eth darning of socks, cooking some lovely pies and tucking us in to bed at night with a story, or telling us about our future. (As they talk Sir James moves his foot across to a pedal marked "Pixie Dust".......)
Sir James: Had she any portent for thee ?
Guard: Aye, a promotion methinks, as she did speak of me rising or gaining stature.
Sir James: She hath the power, all right! Sorry old boy, but as we say- Chin Chin. (Sir James steps on ye pedal and the guard is flung from his seat by a large spring! As he flies through the air the guard screams.)
Guard: Ah!!! ...
Sir James: I thought thou said thine name was Chin? That sounds more like a Wilhelm scream! (Sir James turns his carriage and head for ye gate, but ye Keeper of the Gate produces a large cannon and fires directly at him. He turns back, and ist followed by Oddjob and his men.)
Could Chin introduce himself as Wilhelm Chin, a Half German half Chinese villain.
" I an unique, you've never met anyone like me, I'm even studing via a parchement
course to become a Physician "
Sir James : There was a guy on an Island, Crab key .....
Guard : oh, that's a disappointment.... What about my hobby, Collecting Bird droppings
Sir James : Sadly that too .... Never mind, Chin up !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Guard: Good day, Sir James, my name is Wilhelm Chin and I shall be thine brigand for this evening.
Sir James: Unusual name.
Chin: I am the child of a German missionary and a Chinese girl of good family. I am unique, thou hast never met anyone like me- I am even studying via a parchment course to become a Physician.
Sir James: That sounds very familiar- there was a guy on an island, ye Isle of Crabs...
Chin: Oh, that ist a disappointment- what about my hobby, collecting bird droppings?
Sir James: Sadly, that too- never mind, Chin up!
Chin: Please do not try anything foolish, I have this stiletto ready to Pierce thine flesh.
Chin: Please do not try anything foolish, I have this stiletto ready to timothy thine flesh.
Sir James: Don't you mean pierce mine flesh?
Chin: Yes, sorry, I always get those two mixed up.
Only a bit more to do- Oddjob & crew chase James, who crashes his carriage into a waterfall (N24's idea), since there are two waterfalls and he picks the wrong one.
Comments
to use the line " Don't trifle with me " or " He was only trifling with me "
or Oddjob could stack the items Bond throws ( at first ) as he's a champion at Tetris.
I'd only have written "Sir James overcomes Oddjob in battle"- you can easily tell who wrote the fight or chase scenes.
(From outside ist heard the sound of fighting. Quickly, He of the Gilded Finger runs out of the massive door and locks it behind him.)
Kirsch: What? This cannot be!
(He runs to ye door and struggles to open it, but Oddjob slays him with a single blow then turns to smile at Sir James.)
Sir James: Do not be a fool, Oddjob- we shalt die here unless yon door can be opened!
(Oddjob only smiles. Sir James picks up a piece of wood and smashes him across his face, to no avail, then Oddjob casually throws Sir James against a pile of gold. Sir James grabs one of the gold ingots and throws it, but it merely bounces off Oddjob’s chest. Oddjob picks up a handful of conveniently placed cream, custard, fruit, jelly and some sponge fingers then throws them at Naught Naught Seven, who ducks out of their way.)
Sir James: Do not trifle with me!
Oddjob: Ah-har!
(Desperately Sir James grabs a bucket and throws ye contents over Oddjob- it turns out to be tar, and only makes him angry enough to grasp his deadly hat and throw it. Sir James manages to dive out of the way, landing on a handy pillow. He picks up Oddjob’s hat and throws it back, but Oddjob merely moves his head and ye hat wedges itself next to one of the flaming torches that light the coffer. Running out of options, Sir James throws the pillow but it bursts, leaving Oddjob covered with feathers sticking to the tar as he reaches for his hat.)
Sir James: Turn and fight, you chicken!
(Oddjob grasps his hat, but ye flames from the torch set fire to the tar and feathers covering him, and he expires in a flash just as Lord Felix and his men break down the door and run in.)
Lord Felix: Santiago! Sir James, art thou all right? And what happened to thine butler friend?
Sir James: Oh, some people in one’s road really burn you up these days. I prithee, where ist He of the Gilded Finger? Hast thou caught him?
Lord Felix: Alack, he did fly off in a winged chariot driven by a most comely wench.
Sir James: Pussy!
Lord Felix: Later, Sir James, we have more important things to worry about right now.
Sir James: Nay, she ist ye driver of the chariot- apace, Lord Felix, we must stop him before he causes ye volcano to erupt!
As ever, rewriting etc is welcome!
Sir James: Look there, up in the sky.
Lord Felix: Is it a bird? Is it a pigeon? (Does double-take.)
Sir James: Nay, Lord Felix, ‘tis He of the Gilded Finger about to cause a massive eruption.
Lord Felix: I usually find it helpful to think of baseball when that ist about to happen...
Sir James: If only it would rain, a huge rainstorm would snuff out ye volcano.
Lord Felix: Sir James, in thine homeland do they know a raindance?
Sir James: Alack, in mine homeland we have ye exact opposite problem- some do a dance to stop the rain.
Lord Felix: Could thee do this dance backwards? It may cause the rain to fall!
Sir James: Dance backwards...?
(Sir James cautiously begins a few dance steps. Lord Felix watches intently, then joins in copying the moves. Together the two dance furiously.)
Lord Felix: Lo, Sir James, look up! 'Tis a cloud!
(As they dance more and more clouds appear in ye sky. Smoke begins to seep from ye volcano, then a few flames appear, gradually going stronger. The clouds thicken and darken.)
Sir James: Keep dancing, Felix, keep dancing!
(Lord Felix calls to his men.)
Lord Felix: Everybody, join in! You there, the three brothers- you should be dancing, yeah! 'Twill cause a chain reaction and prevent a tragedy.
(As more and more join the dance, ye clouds begin a steady downpour of rain which grows heavier and heavier. The volcano ist snuffed out. Sir James grabs Lord Felix by ye hand and the two dance fervently together.)
Lord Felix: (Gasping for air.) ...er... Sir James, methinks we could stop dancing now. James? I said stop! Sir James!!!
Sir James: Oh, er, sorry. Got a bit carried away.
Lord Felix: 'Tis over, we have won.
Sir James: Aye, but He of the Gilded Finger did escape.
Police yeoman, The Native american soldier, the Construction worker......
singing " It's fun to work for the American C.I.A. "
Lord Felix: (Gasping for air.) ...er... Sir James, methinks we could stop dancing now. James? I said stop! Sir James!!! You've entered the danger zone where the dancer becomes the Dance !
Sir James: Oh, er, sorry. Got a bit carried away, but thee hast to understand. I enjoy my Dancing.
Lord Felix: I must say James, I was impressed with your Bailatino !
Sir James: Thank yee, It's these damn tights again, Sir Tom Ford always cuts then too Tight !
Lord Felix: 'Tis over, we have won.
Sir James : Aye, but He of the Gilded Finger did escape.
Could James try and Impress Felix, with a few " Look at me Felix " pleas
Sir James: " look Felix, This is a bit Urban, so the young junior wizard hath told me."
( Sir James doth, spin on his head and crawl like a caterpillar )
Felix : " Impressive ! But this be-ith all the rage in Washington, ... The Robot "
( Felix doth start to move like a mechanical man )
(They run quickly out of ye coffer and gaze up the slopes of ye volcano.)
Sir James: Look there, up in the sky.
Lord Felix: Is it a bird? Is it a pigeon? (Does double-take.)
Sir James: Nay, Lord Felix, ‘tis He of the Gilded Finger about to cause a massive eruption.
Lord Felix: I usually find it helpful to think of baseball when that ist about to happen...
Sir James: If only it would rain, a huge rainstorm would snuff out ye volcano.
Lord Felix: Sir James, in thine homeland do they know a raindance?
Sir James: Alack, in mine homeland we have ye exact opposite problem- some do a dance to stop the rain.
Lord Felix: Could thee do this dance backwards? It may cause the rain to fall!
Sir James: Dance backwards...?
(Sir James cautiously begins a few dance steps. Lord Felix watches intently, then joins in copying the moves. Together the two dance furiously.)
Lord Felix: Lo, Sir James, look up! 'Tis a cloud!
(As they dance more and more clouds appear in ye sky. Smoke begins to seep from ye volcano, then a few flames appear, gradually going stronger. The clouds thicken and darken.)
Sir James: Keep dancing, Felix, keep dancing!
(Lord Felix calls to his men.)
Lord Felix: Everybody, join in! You there, the three brothers- you should be dancing, yeah! 'Twill cause a chain reaction and prevent a tragedy.
(Three men in white suits begin to dance.)
Lord Felix: And you there- ye constable, ye Native American soldier, ye construction worker, ye cowboy, ye sailor...
(As more and more join the dance and sing “It’s fun to work for ye American C.I.A.”, ye clouds begin a steady downpour of rain which grows heavier and heavier. The volcano ist snuffed out.)
Sir James: Look at me, Felix, this move ist a bit urban, so the young junior wizard hath told me.
(Sir James doth spin on his head and crawl like a caterpillar.)
Lord Felix: Impressive! But this be’eth all the rage in Washington- The Robot!
(Lord Felix doth start to move like a mechanical man.)
Sir James: Excellent!
(Sir James grabs Lord Felix by ye hand and the two dance ever more fervently together.)
Lord Felix: (Gasping for air.) ...er... Sir James, methinks we could stop dancing now. James? I said stop! Sir James!!! You've entered the danger zone where the dancer becomes the dance!
Sir James: Oh, er, sorry. Got a bit carried away, but thee hast to understand: I enjoy my dancing.
Lord Felix: I must say James, I was impressed with your Bailatino!
Sir James: Thank’ee, ‘tis these damn tights again, Sir Tom Ford always cuts then too tight!
Lord Felix: 'Tis over, we have won.
Sir James : Aye, but He of the Gilded Finger did escape.
a beautiful madien passes him with much haste ....)
Sir James : Discipline naught, naught seven .... discipline ! These young Maidens
driving sports carriages, smoking, ............. they'll be voting next ! ...... T'would
seem Gilded finger is stopping for refreshments, I knew he couldn't resist getting his
lips round a lovely Pear.
( A crossbow bolt flashes past Sir James's Head, he turns in time to see the Maiden run
off, and in her carriage make hast away, Sir James quickly manouvers his own carriage beside
hers, Sir James reaches for a lever marked "Boudica" slashing her wheel and sending her crashing
in to a hedge ....)
Sir James: Gadzooks !!! must be a defect of some sort, Thes new low profile carriage wheels,...
.... Goodyear?
Maiden: Not really first I lost my Sist.... er ? Can you take me to the nearest Village ?
Sir James : Of course, let me carry your bags, This Crossbow case is beautiful. I had one
just like it.
Maiden : Nay, it be-ith for my ... er ...... Beach Elephant polo trunks !
Sir James : Lovely Sport, although I thought the elephants brought their own trunks.
Maiden : That's irrelephant.
Sir James : As Ivory well know
Maiden : look, the's an Inn, You can let me alight here.
Sir James : I didn't know you wanted a smoke, You could have had a pull on my ...
( The maiden dismounts with her bag )
Sir James : He looks to be in charge ( Sir James points at an inn keeper )
Maiden : Super Visor ?
Sir James : Thank yee, I polish it every Knight
Maiden : Goodbye
Sir James : Goodbye, don't forget to write.
Maiden : Sorry I didn't know you were an Uber, I'll give you a good review.
-This is a fine way to meet maiden. This time the wench didn't even break anything!
Sorry, guys, my fault for not being clear- I meant the car chase where a guy gets ejected, a little old lady has a machine gun and James crashes into a mirror. But your ideas are better than what I had!
(In ye carriage supplied by ye Old Wizard, Sir James follows the gilded carriage across Europe. At one point, a smaller carriage driven by a pretty maiden doth overtake him. Sir James almost chases after, but...)
Sir James: Discipline, Naught Naught Seven.... discipline. These young maidens driving sports carriages, smoking, ............ they'll be voting next !
(High in ye mountains of Switzerland, ye gilded carriage draws to a halt as He of the Gilded Finger stops to buy some fruit, lentils and chickpeas.)
Sir James: ‘Twould seem He of the Gilded Finger ist stopping for refreshment. I should have known he would not be able to resist getting his lips about a lovely pear.
(A crossbow bolt flashes past Sir James's head, he turns in time to see the maiden run off and in her carriage make haste away. Sir James quickly manoeuvres his own carriage beside hers, then reaches for a lever marked "Boudica" slashing her wheel and sending her crashing into a hedge.)
Sir James: (Aside.) This is a fine way to meet maidens. This one didn't break a single bone in the crash- how fortunate!(Aloud.) Gadzooks!!! Must be a defect of some sort, these new low profile carriage wheels... Goodyear?
Maiden: Not really, first I lost my sist.... er, can you take me to the nearest village ?
Sir James: Of course, let me carry your bags, I shalt be only too pleased to give thee a ride. I am he who ist called-
Maiden: With all speed, I prithee.
Sir James: This crossbow case is beautiful. I had one just like it.
Maiden : Nay, it be’eth for my... er..... beach elephant polo trunks !
Sir James: Lovely sport, although I thought the elephants brought their own trunks.
Maiden: That's irrelephant.
Sir James: As Ivory well know.
(They enter ye carriage of Sir James and drive off.)
Sir James: And how may I call thee?
Maiden: Thou may know me as Maiden Tilly... er... St John Pseudonym Smythe.
(Sir James notices that her baggage ist stamped "TM".)
Sir James: Hmm...
Maiden Tilly: Watch out for that man with the green trainers! (Thump.)
Sir James: No matter, he will be back.
Maiden: Look, there's an inn, thou can let me alight here.
Sir James: I didn't know you wanted a smoke, you could have had a pull on my...
(Ye maiden dismounts with her bag.)
Sir James: He looks to be in charge. (Sir James points at an innkeeper.)
Maiden: Super Visor ?
Sir James: Thank ye, I polish it every Knight
Maiden: Goodbye, then.
Sir James: Goodbye, don't forget to write.
Maiden: Sorry I didn't know you were an Uber, I'll give you a good review.
(Later, Sir James ist outside a factory. Ye sign reads "Gilded Finger Enterprises. Perfectly Normal Stuff Going On Here." He approaches ye fence, but trips over someone lying on the grass.)
Maiden Tilly: Ow! Watch where thou art putting thine feet!
Sir James: Maiden Tilly- what art thou doing here?
Maiden Tilly: I doth try to slay He of the Gilded Finger- he did kill mine sister!
Sir James: "TM".... Tilly Masterson!
Maiden Tilly: Nay, Masterton- that was only ever a typo by Richard Maibaum.
(An arrow flies between them. Sir James turns to see Oddjob and several armed men.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Sir James: Run for it, to mine carriage I prithee!
(They run to ye carriage, hotly pursued.)
Sir James: Quick, Maiden Tilly, get in!
(Oddjob and his men enter their carriages and follow.)
Now is the time for Sir James to use the gadgets supplied by ye Old Wizard to shake off his pursuers, and the sillier the better! He still gets captured and Tilly gets killed, of course.
Perhaps "This is a fine way to meet maidens. This one didn't break a single bone in the cash - how fortunate!" would be better?
In the iconic car chase Bond crashes after seing his own car in a large mirror. In our version he knows there is a cave behind a waterfall. He plans to scared by driving through the water, but drives his carriage into the wrong waterfall.
The waterfall is good, but that's the end of the chase. We need James & Tilly being chased by Oddjob & henchmen, James using gadgets, them getting caught & Tilly killed, James & a henchman then drive back to the factory where the henchman is ejected using the seat on springs, a little old lady with ??? (not a sub-machine gun), a confusing chase.... then the waterfall!
(They run to ye carriage, hotly pursued.)
Sir James: Quick, Maiden Tilly, get in!
(Oddjob and his men enter their carriages and follow.)
Sir James : Worry not fare Tilly, I hath had some optional extras fitted..
Would'st thee care to place thine lips on my manly pipe ?
Maiden Tilly : Sir James thine art incorrigible, always thinking of your "Pipe"
Sir James : Nay, its tobacco is a special blend from the Old Wizard, and will
produce much smoke, to confuse these blagards !
(Sir james gives a display of superb carriagemanship to dispach several of his pursuers But
finds his path blocked by a fallen tree )
Sir James : Hide in that wood,
Maiden Tilly : What wood ? I can not see
Sir James : Why it beith straight in front of thee !
Maiden Tilly : Aye, I couldn't see the wood for the trees.
( She runs but is struck down by Oddjob's hat and Sir James is forced back to drive his
carriage once again back to Gilded Finger's lair )
Guard : Good day Sir James, I am known as Chin, I'll be your Brigand for this evening. Please
don't try anything foolish, I have this stiletto ready to Pierce thine flesh !
Sir James : Jimmy Choo's or Christian Louboutin ?
( they soon arrive at the gate house to Gilded Finger's estate, an old woman is the
keeper of the Gate )
Sir James : Who beith the Keeper of the Gate ?
Guard : Oh, that's Lexi. she is wise and tells fortunes.
Sir James : I hath come across maidens like that before.
Guard Oh, listen to her boasting !.. Lord Gilded finger, knew some of us lads were missing our
home comforts, so to speak. So employed her as a bit of eye candy.
Sir James : Sorry, But I cannot raise my eyebrow high enough !
Guard : Yes, she loves getting her expert hands on our, Socks.
Sir James : Thee did say Socks ?
Guard : Aye, for all the home comforts likeith Darning of socks, Cooking some lovely pies
and tucking us in to bed at night with a story. or telling us about our future.
( as they talk Sir James moves his foot across to a pedal marked "Pixie Dust"....... )
Sir James : Had she any portent for thee ?
Guard : Aye, a promotion me thinks, as she did speak of me Rising or gaining stature.
Sir James : She hath the power, Sorry old boy, But as we say Chin Chin.
( Sir James steps on the pedal and the guard is flung from his seat by a large spring ! As
he flies through the air the guard screams )
Guard : Ah !!! ...
(Barbel is probably in a Mods meeting discussing what to do with me after the Pekka & Toivonen jokes in Random Chat.
how in the film, Goldfinger has a smelting operation for his gold. I'd
love to slip in a line along the lines of " Who smelt it, dealt it " perhaps
in the dinner scene with M at the bank of England ?
That was one naughty joke N24 {[]
TP, am loving the chase scene!
Idea to incorporate the smelt line- when James sees GF showing Mr Ling his carriage being dismantled, and overhears "Ye Grande Slamme"?
Sir James: I thought thou said thine name was Chin? That sounds more like a Wilhelm scream!
(Sir James turns his carriage and head for ye gate, but ye Keeper of the Gate produces a large cannon and fires directly at him. He turns back, and ist followed by Oddjob and his men.)
Well, I imagined something like this:
Guard: (Willhelm Scream)
Maiden Tilly: Ow! Watch where thou art putting thine feet!
Sir James: Maiden Tilly- what art thou doing here?
Maiden Tilly: I doth try to slay He of the Gilded Finger- he did kill mine sister!
Sir James: "TM".... Tilly Masterson!
Maiden Tilly: Nay, Masterton- that was only ever a typo by Richard Maibaum.
(An arrow flies between them. Sir James turns to see Oddjob and several armed men.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Sir James: Run for it, to mine carriage I prithee!
(They run to ye carriage, hotly pursued.)
Sir James: Quick, Maiden Tilly, get in!
(Oddjob and his men enter their carriages and follow.)
Sir James: Worry not fair Tilly, I hath had some optional extras fitted. Would'st thee care to place thine lips on my manly pipe ?
Maiden Tilly: Sir James thou art incorrigible, always thinking of your "pipe".
Sir James: Nay, its tobacco is a special blend from ye Old Wizard, and will produce much smoke to confuse these blaggards!
(Sure enough ye blaggards are confused. Sir James gives a display of superb carriagemanship to dispatch several of his pursuers but finds his path blocked by a fallen tree.)
Sir James: Hide in that wood.
Maiden Tilly: What wood? I cannot see any wood.
Sir James: Why it be’eth straight in front of thee!
Maiden Tilly: Oh. Aye, I couldn't see the wood for the trees.
(She runs but is struck down by Oddjob's hat and Sir James is forced under guard to drive his carriage once again back to He of the Gilded Finger's lair.)
Guard: Good day Sir James, I am known as Chin, I'll be your Brigand for this evening. Please don't try anything foolish, I have this stiletto ready to Pierce thine flesh!
Sir James: Jimmy Choo's or Christian Louboutin?
Guard: Take heed, Sir James, watch out for that man with green- (Thump.) .... trainers.
Sir James: He will be back, I am sure.
(They soon arrive at the gatehouse to He of the Gilded Finger's estate, an old woman is the keeper of the gate.)
Sir James: Who be’eth the Keeper of the Gate?
Guard: Oh, that ist Lexi. She is wise and tells fortunes.
Sir James: I hath come across maidens like that before.
Guard: Oh, listen to her boasting! He of the Gilded Finger knew some of us lads were missing our home comforts, so to speak, so employed her as a bit of eye candy.
Sir James: Sorry, but I cannot raise my eyebrow high enough!
Guard: Yes, she loves getting her expert hands on our socks.
Sir James: Thee did say socks?
Guard: Aye, for all the home comforts like’eth darning of socks, cooking some lovely pies and tucking us in to bed at night with a story, or telling us about our future.
(As they talk Sir James moves his foot across to a pedal marked "Pixie Dust".......)
Sir James: Had she any portent for thee ?
Guard: Aye, a promotion methinks, as she did speak of me rising or gaining stature.
Sir James: She hath the power, all right! Sorry old boy, but as we say- Chin Chin.
(Sir James steps on ye pedal and the guard is flung from his seat by a large spring! As he flies through the air the guard screams.)
Guard: Ah!!! ...
Sir James: I thought thou said thine name was Chin? That sounds more like a Wilhelm scream!
(Sir James turns his carriage and head for ye gate, but ye Keeper of the Gate produces a large cannon and fires directly at him. He turns back, and ist followed by Oddjob and his men.)
" I an unique, you've never met anyone like me, I'm even studing via a parchement
course to become a Physician "
Sir James : There was a guy on an Island, Crab key .....
Guard : oh, that's a disappointment.... What about my hobby, Collecting Bird droppings
Sir James : Sadly that too .... Never mind, Chin up !
Sir James: Unusual name.
Chin: I am the child of a German missionary and a Chinese girl of good family. I am unique, thou hast never met anyone like me- I am even studying via a parchment course to become a Physician.
Sir James: That sounds very familiar- there was a guy on an island, ye Isle of Crabs...
Chin: Oh, that ist a disappointment- what about my hobby, collecting bird droppings?
Sir James: Sadly, that too- never mind, Chin up!
Chin: Please do not try anything foolish, I have this stiletto ready to Pierce thine flesh.
still can't think of one.
Chin: Please do not try anything foolish, I have this stiletto ready to timothy thine flesh.
Sir James: Don't you mean pierce mine flesh?
Chin: Yes, sorry, I always get those two mixed up.
Only a bit more to do- Oddjob & crew chase James, who crashes his carriage into a waterfall (N24's idea), since there are two waterfalls and he picks the wrong one.