Lady Aki: We must make haste, Sir James.
Sir James: And thou must tell me where we are going.
Lady Aki: Ye will find out soon enough.
Sir James: Nay, tell me now for Lord Henderson hast been slain. (Aki stops ye carriage and leaps out into an alley. Sir James follows but falls down a concealed trapdoor, down a long chute and ist deposited into a comfy chair. A man stands laughing.)
Man: ‘Twas remarkably easy to bring thee to me, Sir James, for thou art only too keen to get into a carriage with a pretty girl. I am ye Tiger Prince.
Sir James: Oh? How dost thou feel about me, then?
Tiger Prince: Why, I do love thee.
Sir James: Of course thou does, everyone doth love me!
Tiger Prince: ‘Tis true, and most especially Maid Moneypenny from what I have been told.
Sir James: Lord Henderson hast been slain, and from his assassin I didst take this scroll.
Tiger Prince: (Reading.) Tokyo Funhouse, hot and cold running Geishas...?
Sir James: Sorry, wrong scroll- this one.
Tiger Prince: It doth speak of a ship called ye Kung Po, docked at ye port of Teriyaki in the Sushi province. This ship ist owned by a man called Osato.
Sir James: Ah, Lord Henderson did speak of this man.
Tiger Prince: Then I shalt arrange for ye to call on him tomorrow.
Tiger Prince: Sir James, pray partake of a flask of rice wine.
Sir James: If it neither hot nor cold be I most surely shall.
Tiger Prince: Verily, thy cultivation ist most exceptional. Dost thou know of our military history also?
Sir James: I hast only read a Samurai, er, summary.
Tiger Prince: Then thou must be educated in our customs. Here, men do always come first.
Sir James: In this matter I have great interest, Tiger Prince. (A succession of comely young wenches enter.)
Tiger Prince: And which of my concubines doth thee find most in favour?
Sir James: For this sweet maid here I shalt settle.
Tiger Prince: Aye, she ist most sexiful indeed.
Act 3, Scene 4. A place of business. Sir James ist greeted by Osato and his aide, Helga.
Osato: Greetings be upon thee, and pray welcome mine depute Helga.
Helga: Greetings, wouldst thee like a glass of champagne?
Sir James: Later, perhaps.
Osato: I always enjoy a quick one in the morning.
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Yeoman Fisher, and I seek joint enterprise with thee. (Sir James lights up.)
Osato: Thou should stop smoking, 'tis very bad for thine chest.
Sir James: I have given up smoking many times.
Osato: I bid thee welcome into my bosom.
Helga: In a strong bosom doth Osato-san carry great faith.
Sir James: ...verily...
Osato: So, I prithee, what of thine predecessor Yeoman Williamson?
Sir James: Williamson?
** Williamson should not defy our attempts to plan an amusing death for him. **
Osato: Well, most pleased I am to meet thee Yeoman Falsename, er, Fisher, and I trust we shall do business together.
Sir James: I thank'ee. (Sir James exits.)
Osato: Helga- slay him!
Act 3, Scene 5. Outside Osato's building.
(As Sir James leaves, he ist attacked by varlets but Aki drives up in her carriage.)
Lady Aki: Apace, Sir James, get in!
Sir James: Hmm, have we not done this before? (They drive off in their small white carriage, hotly pursued by ye varlets in a large black one.)
... but how do we arrange the drop in the ocean? Does Tiger have a trained dragon?
Lady Aki: We must make haste, Sir James.
Sir James: And thou must tell me where we are going.
Lady Aki: Ye will find out soon enough.
Sir James: Nay, tell me now for Lord Henderson hast been slain.
(Aki stops ye carriage and leaps out into an alley. Sir James follows but falls down a concealed trapdoor, down a long chute and ist deposited into a comfy chair. A man stands laughing.)
Man: ‘Twas remarkably easy to bring thee to me, Sir James, for thou art only too keen to get into a carriage with a pretty girl. I am ye Tiger Prince.
Sir James: Oh? How dost thou feel about me, then?
Tiger Prince: Why, I do love thee.
Sir James: Of course thou does, everyone doth love me! and I beith glad you're not holding
a carpet beater.
Tiger Prince: ‘Tis true, and most especially Maid Moneypenny from what I have been told.
Sir James : Nay, we be but friends.
Tiger Prince : ..... with benifits ? .... still no matter.
Sir James: Lord Henderson hast been slain, and from his assassin I didst take this scroll.
Tiger Prince: (Reading.) Tokyo Funhouse, hot and cold running Geishas...?
Sir James: Sorry, wrong scroll- this one.
Tiger Prince: It doth speak of a ship called ye Kung Po, docked at ye port of Teriyaki in the Sushi province. This ship ist owned by a man called Osato.
Sir James: Ah, Lord Henderson did speak of this man.
Tiger Prince: Then I shalt arrange for ye to call on him tomorrow.
Tiger Prince: Sir James, pray partake of a flask of rice wine.
( Sir James doth feel the flasks of saki ..... )
Sir James: This beith too hot, This one too cold, but this one is just right.
Tiger Prince: Verily, thy cultivation ist most exceptional.
Sir James : Aye, I even get out of the bath to use privy.
Tiger Prince : Dost thou know of our military history also?
Sir James: I hast only read a Samurai, er, summary.
Tiger Prince: Then thou must be educated in our customs. Here, men do always come first.
Sir james : An Apothecary could supply an ointment to help with that. Or think about cricket.
Tiger Prince : Nay, Here women live to serve Men.
Sir James: In this matter I have great interest, Tiger Prince.
(A succession of comely young wenches enter and stand behind some plinths with lights )
Tiger Prince: And which of my concubines doth thee find most in favour? No likey, no lighty.
( Sir James runs across turning off the lights on the plints untill only one remains ... )
Sir James: For this sweet maid here I shalt settle.
Tiger Prince: Aye, she ist most sexiful indeed.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 3, Scene 4. A place of business. Sir James ist greeted by Osato and his aide, Helga.
Osato: Greetings be upon thee, and pray welcome mine depute Helga.
Helga: Greetings, wouldst thee like a glass of champagne?
Sir James: Later, perhaps.
Helga : A Flute of wine ?
Sir james : Later perhaps.
Helga : A stein of Brandy ?
Sir James : As I said, Later !
Helga : A Highball ?
Sir James : Oh all Right I'll have some mead !
Helga : Sorry we don't have any of that.
Osato: I always enjoy a quick one in the morning.
Sir James : as do I, ... But I usually don't start drinking 'till the afternoon.
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Yeoman Fisher, and I seek joint enterprise with thee.
(Sir James lights up.)
Osato: Thou should stop smoking, 'tis very bad for thine chest.
Sir James: I have given up smoking many times.
Osato: I bid thee welcome into my bosom.
Helga: In a strong bosom doth Osato-san carry great faith.
Sir James: ...verily...
Osato: So, I prithee, what of thine predecessor Yeoman Williamson?
Sir James: Williamson? .... Oh he Died in our Quill making factory. Fell
in to a pen of Swans., You know how a Swan can break a man's arm.
Osato : Indeed !
Sir James : Well our swans are specially bred for agression, so they did peck at him,
again and again.
Osato : To die that way is horrible !
Sir James : Yes surrounded by Peckers, every where you'd look. There'd be another Large
pecker in your face !
Osato: Well, most pleased I am to meet thee Yeoman Falsename, er, Fisher, and I trust we shall do business together.
Sir James: I thank'ee.
(Sir James exits.)
Osato: Helga- slay him!
Helga : Let us make it official ( she produces some parchments ) For assassination you must
Initial, Here and Here, Sign here and you do have a two minute cooling off period if you wish to
rescind your request........ also would you sign this Birthday card for Dum Fuk.
Osato : Ruddy official spectre red tape ! if The Syndicate made me an offer, I'd be off !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(As Sir James leaves, he ist attacked by varlets but Aki drives up in her carriage.)
Lady Aki: Apace, Sir James, get in!
Sir James: Hmm, have we not done this before? (They drive off in their small white carriage, hotly pursued by ye varlets in a large black one.)
Sir James: I do hope that thine carriage hast been altered by an Old Wizard, and hast many tricks to foil our pursuers- mayhap, arrows firing from ye rear?
Lady Aki: Better than that- look above! (Sir James looks up to see a large dragon bearing down upon their pursuers. It picks up ye black carriage behind, though the reins snap leaving its horses safely upon ye road, and flies off. Ye horseman vainly continues to hold the reins as if steering as ye dragon flies over a bay and drops the carriage into the water.)
Sir James: I am very impressed with thine efficiency.
Lady Aki: Ye Tiger Prince hast decreed that we should head straight for ye docks at Teriyaki for a closer look at ye ship Kung Po.
Sir James: Then let it be so.
Act 3, Scene 6.Ye docks.
Sir James: There ist ye ship- now, let us get closer...
Lady Aki: Take heed, Sir James, we art being watched. (A gang of dockworkers approach menacingly.)
Sir James: Off with ye, Lady Aki, make haste back to ye Tiger Prince- I shalt deal with these ruffians. (Aki exits. Sir James runs up to a rooftop but ist followed by ye ruffians, who capture him and render him unconscious.)
Another boudoir. Sir James ist still knocked out, and tied to a chair.
Sir James: ....ow, mine head doth hurt... be more careful, Felix, next time we...(Awakes to see Helga before him.) ... Oh, hello.
Helga: Here I have thee bound, Yeoman Fisher.
Sir James: Then much enjoyment I therefore wish unto thee.
Helga: Pursuit of business be not thine intent. I require to know why thou were found wandering around our docks.
Sir James: I like boats, and I used to be a sailor.
Helga: Hmm- wert thou ordinary or able-bodied?
Sir James: Judge for thineself! (Helga cuts through Sir James's Bonds.)
Helga: Kiss me forthwith.
Sir James: For England such matters I must do. (They embrace.)
Any added jokes welcome!
Next, I'm thinking TP's idea of a hot-air balloon might be nice for Helga's attempt to kill James...?
(A discreet interval later, Helga leads Sir James outside.)
Sir James: And what have we here?
Helga: ‘Tis a hot-air balloon, to take us safely away. In thou go’est.
Sir James: Thou willst need protection, day and night. I recommend our best man.
Helga: And who might that be?
Sir James: Let me see... there’s Alec, but he can be a bit two-faced. Also Bill, though I think he ist busy navel-gazing in Beirut. So that leaves... me!
Helga: I think it not, Yeoman Fisher! (Helga lets go of the mooring rope, sending Sir James up in the balloon.)
Sir James: (Up in ye sky.) If only ye Old Wizard were here, he knows about hot air. But mayhap this will suffice... (Sir James stabs the balloon with his dagger. It plummets downward, and he leaps to safety at ye last minute.)
(As Sir James leaves, he ist attacked by varlets but Aki drives up in her carriage.)
Lady Aki: Apace, Sir James, get in!
Sir James: Hmm, have we not done this before?
(They drive off in their small white carriage, hotly pursued by ye varlets in a large black one.)
Sir James: I do hope that thine carriage hast been altered by an Old Wizard, and hast many tricks to foil our pursuers- mayhap, arrows firing from ye rear?
Lady Aki: Better than that- look above!
(Sir James looks up to see a large dragon bearing down upon their pursuers. It picks up ye black carriage behind, though the reins snap leaving its horses safely upon ye road, and flies off. Ye horseman vainly continues to hold the reins as if steering as ye dragon flies over a bay and drops the carriage into the water.)
Sir James: Here be Dragons ! I am very impressed with thine efficiency.
Lady Aki : We call him Seansan, because of the tuft of hair on his head.... and
he doth slur his roar, Just don't be under him when, .... The droppings start !
Sir james : T'would be deep Shi ...
( Lady Aki interupts Sir James as an arrow with a message attached strikes her carriage )
Lady Aki: Ye Tiger Prince hast decreed that we should head straight for ye docks at Teriyaki for a closer look at ye ship Kung Po.
Sir James: Then let it be so.
Act 3, Scene 6. Ye docks.
Sir James: There ist ye ship- now, let us get closer...
Lady Aki: Take heed, Sir James, we art being watched.
Thug : Would thee like to help our charity for Henchmen who hath fallen on hard times.
Sir James : I did give at the office
Thug : A payment of a few groats a month could feed an ex-assassin or provide training for
injured villains in wicker or Papier-mâché crafts
(A gang of charityworkers approach menacingly.)
Sir James: Off with ye, Lady Aki, make haste back to ye Tiger Prince- I shalt deal with these ruffians.
(Aki exits. Sir James runs up to a rooftop but ist followed by ye ruffians, who capture him and render him unconscious.)
Another boudoir. Sir James ist still knocked out, and tied to a chair.
Sir James: ....ow, mine head doth hurt... be more careful, Felix, next time we...(Awakes to see Helga before him.) ... Oh, hello.
Helga: Here I have thee bound, Yeoman Fisher.
Sir James: Then much enjoyment I therefore wish unto thee.
Helga: Pursuit of business be not thine intent. I require to know why thou were found wandering around our docks.
Sir James: I like boats, and I used to be a sailor.
Helga: Hmm- wert thou ordinary or able-bodied?
Sir James: Judge for thineself! I'm listed in the Certificate of Continuous Discharge
Helga : Doth thee know what I hold in my hand ?
Sir James : It beith a wine glass obviously.
Helga : in my OTHER hand !
Sir James : A piece of parchment, very sharp.
Helga : Aye, thee hast guessed well. I'll give you a closer look...
Sir James : No need, fair maid I can see well enough.
Helga : ... cuts as close as a razor ! and you do like close shaves.
Sir James : Actually, I'm growing a beard. something Hipster.
Helga : They say the paper cut is the worst pain a man can endure'
Sir James : I don't know about that,... I've been to a sir Barry Manilow concert. .....
.... Although, Perhaps I must speak the truth. I hath been promised lands and
several Essex Virgins if I can aquire some of Osato's Apothecary secrets..... I'll
share the rewards with thee, if thee release me, let me go.
Helga : Are these lands worth much monies and hard to find ?
Sir James : Aye, the land is worth much as it comes with many titles and you
wouldn't believe how hard it is to find an Essex virgin.
(Helga cuts through Sir James's Bonds.)
Helga: Kiss me forthwith.
Sir James: For England such matters I must do.
(They embrace.)
(A discreet interval later, Helga leads Sir James outside.)
Sir James: And what have we here?
Helga: ‘Tis a hot-air balloon, to take us safely away. In thou go’est.
Sir James: Thou willst need protection, day and night. I recommend our best man.
Helga: And who might that be?
Sir James: Let me see... there’s Alec, but he can be a bit two-faced. Also Bill, though I think he ist busy navel-gazing in Beirut. So that leaves... me!
Helga: I think it not, Yeoman Fisher!
(Helga lets go of the mooring rope, sending Sir James up in the balloon.)
Helga : The wind will carry you off to sea.
Sir James : To see what ?
Helga : Your journey to the promised land !
Sir James : What Chelsea ?
( The Balloon rises, and moves away .... )
Sir James: (Up in ye sky.) If only ye Old Wizard were here, he knows about hot air. But mayhap this will suffice...
( Sir James begins to unwind pieces of wicker from the balloon basket after several minutes he was ready )
Sir James : Crude ? Yes, Functional ? Yes but it should work !
Helga : Now Sir James it will be such sweet sorrow, as my Cannon blows you out of the sky !
(Sir James stabs the balloon with his dagger. It begins to desend..... Sir James Jumps just as
Helga's Cannon Ball destroys the Basket, sending it falling with a splash )
Sir James : I hope thee old Wizard would'st be proud...
( Sir James uses the wave from the crashed ballon basket to Surf in to shore on his Wicker surf board. )
Sir James : ( Singing ) I wish they all could be Caledonia Girls. #
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 4, Scene 1.A castle. Inland, since in Japan castles are not built by ye sea. Sir James walks with Aki and ye Tiger Prince through ye grounds.
Aki: Thou wert very lucky, Sir James.
Tiger Prince: I did warn thee not to get into a carriage with a pretty girl, though I must admit I did not think thou would get into a balloon.
Aki: I am sure Sir James would not touch such a girl!
Sir James: But of course not- heaven forbid!
Tiger Prince: Now, Sir James, a visitor from Albion is here for thee. (Enter Ye Old Wizard.)
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven: behold thine circumscribed winged chariot!
Tiger Prince: 'Tis naught but a toy.
Old Wizard: Nay, 'tis no toy- with this thou shalt fly to yonder fiery mountain whilst I shalt take some exercise.
Sir James: Exercise? Surely thou doth jest!
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my walk, Naught Naught Seven. (Sir James climbs carefully into ye tiny winged chariot.)
James now flies to look at the volcano and is attacked by...?
Act 4, Scene 1. A castle. Inland, since in Japan castles are not built by ye sea. Sir James walks with Aki and ye Tiger Prince through ye grounds.
Aki: Thou wert very lucky, Sir James.
Tiger Prince: I did warn thee not to get into a carriage with a pretty girl, though I must admit I did not think thou would get into a balloon.
Sir James : Well, when she said that she would'st elevate Me, I thought she had something else in mind.
Aki: I am sure Sir James would not touch such a girl!
Sir James: But of course not- heaven forbid!
Tiger Prince: Now, Sir James, a visitor from Albion is here for thee.
(Enter Ye Old Wizard.)
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven: behold thine circumscribed winged chariot!
Sir James : It's Jewish ? .... Nice short britches, by the way.
Old Wizard : T'is cutting edge Albion Technology,
Tiger Prince: 'Tis naught but a toy.
Old Wizard: Nay, 'tis no toy- with this thou shalt fly to yonder fiery mountain whilst I shalt take some exercise.
Sir James: Exercise? Surely thou doth jest!
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my walk, Naught Naught Seven.
(Sir James climbs carefully into ye tiny winged chariot.)
Could Bond be attacked by large birds of prey, with midget riders armed with Bows and arrows ?
With a joke about Japanese Miniaturization ? and the only thing better tham a good pun is a Bad one
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Sir James climbs carefully into ye tiny winged chariot.)
Tiger Prince: Good luck, Sir James.
Lady Aki: Be careful! (Sir James flies over a volcano, seeking any clues. Ye shadow of his tiny craft is joined by ye shadows of four menacing birds of prey, carrying Bonsai bowmen who fire arrows at him. Unfazed, Sir James succeeds in flying rings around them until they all crash into the side of ye volcano.)
Sir James: So much for Japanese miniaturization. Act 4, Scene 3. A villain’s lair inside ye volcano.
Comte de Blofeld: I am the Comte de Blofeld, or soon will be. Wherefore doth Sir James Bond live still?
Osato: Orders did I give that he should be slaughtered without mercy. In this mission did Helga lack of success.
Comte de Blofeld: I shalt deal with thee later- now, I have important visitors to attend to.
1st Eastern Lord: For our collective schemes I do have concern, much treasure have we given unto thee yet our travails have yielded naught.
Comte de Blofeld: I have decided more treasure must thee give unto me.
2nd Eastern Lord: Most vile extortion this doth be.
Comte de Blofeld: Such is mine pursuit, Eastern Lords. I beg thee for thine patience whilst I do feed mine fish with the wastrel Helga. (Helga ist fed to ye fish.)
Helga: Osato! Nay!!!
Comte de Blofeld: Osato, kill Sir James now!
Osato: Aye, Comte!!!
(The next scene has the pun. Be afraid. Be very afraid. I'll wait just now to let you work on the above...)
Finally had a chance to put something together - feel free to amend as ye desire, my lords.
Sir James flies over a volcano, seeking any clues. Ye shadow of his tiny craft is joined by ye shadows of six menacing birds of prey. Sir James looks over his shoulder to see the birds are carrying tiny Bonsai bowmen.
Sir James: Bonsai riders! I need to branch off.
Sir James deftly turns the tiny craft left and right, but the Bonsai men follow his every move. Arrows whistle past Sir James, narrowly missing him. With a lurch, Sir James pulls on his joystick to make the tiny winged chariot climb in a steep curve, while the Bonsai riders continue beneath. Sir James pulls on a lever in his chariot, and tiny bags of weed killer drop from beneath.
Sir James: That should root them out.
The bags hit three of the Bonsai riders, who immediately wither, and fall to the ground.
Sir James: I need to leaf, with haste.
Two of the remaining Bonsai riders bank and swerve towards Sir James's chariot, releasing quivers full of arrows, one of which embeds into Sir James's chariot. Fuel begins to stream from the craft, and Sir James grimly realises he has only moments left. He pulls another tiny lever, and a tiny package wrapped with silver foil drops from beneath one side of his craft. One of the birds deftly cranes its neck forward and swallows the package. Moments later, it turns green and crashes to the side of the volcano.
Sir James: Hmm, Albion Airways in-flight catering, what a nasty way to go.
The remaining archer lights the tip of his biggest arrow, and fires it straight at Sir James. With a last-ditch attempt, Sir James pulls the final lever and a lump of strangely yellow-coloured ice flies from his chariot. The remaining archer's arrow pierces the ice, which melts, sizzling, atop the archer's head. With a scream, he turns yellow, withers and crashes to the ground.
Sir James: Privy, I think that snowball flushed him out a wee bit. Must have been the saki.
Steering the failing chariot, he coasts it towards the side of the volcano, where it lands.
Sir James: So much for Japanese miniaturisation.
Act 4, Scene 3. A villain’s lair inside ye volcano.
Comte de Blofeld: I am the Comte de Blofeld, or soon will be. Wherefore doth Sir James Bond live still?
Osato: Orders did I give that he should be slaughtered without mercy. In this mission did Helga lack of success.
Comte de Blofeld: Did thee fillout the necessary parchments ?
Osato : Aye, Comte de Blofeld and initialled !
Comte de Blofeld: I shalt deal with thee later- now, I have important visitors to attend to.
1st Eastern Lord: For our collective schemes I do have concern, much treasure have we given unto thee yet our travails have yielded naught. It be naught but an eastern promise.
Comte de Blofeld: I have decided more treasure must thee give unto me.
2nd Eastern Lord: Most vile extortion this doth be.
Comte de Blofeld: Such is mine pursuit, Eastern Lords. I beg thee for thine patience whilst I do feed mine fish with the wastrel Helga.
Comte de Blofeld: Hans, Bring Helga close to mine fish pond, so she may see Fishies.
Helga : That beith disgusting Comte de Blofeld !
Comte de Blofeld: I said FISHIES ! see how beautiful they look.
(As Helga leans over, Hans bumps her thigh with his knee sending her falling in ...)
Comte de Blofeld: Look how, Hans Knees Bumps the Lady !
Helga: Osato! Nay!!!
Comte de Blofeld:She's had her chips. ... Osato, kill Sir James now!
Osato: Aye, Comte!!!
Comte de Blofeld: Verily Eastern Lords hath thee thought over mine offer ?
1st Eastern Lord : You want it delivered to the usual place !
Hands ,Knees,Bumps a Daisy...... I can do very Bad, Bad puns too
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir James: Now, Tiger Prince, we shalt need a company of great warriors to help in our attack- do you have such men here?
Tiger Prince: We have much, much better Sir James. Look here! (They turn a corner to see young men in white fighting and exercising furiously.)
Tiger Prince: These men are trained from birth in ye arts of stealth and war. Their pay is not much, though they receive benefits both from ye government and their local lord. All art under twenty years of age and hope to be employed opening doors, throwing bowler hats, and so on.
Sir James: So, they are
(Drum roll, please...)
Teenage Two-Grant Ninja Butlers...?
Tiger Prince: Just off ye volcano ist an island, where ye Ama girls dive for pearls. My men will hide here, and thee will be disguised as a fisherman complete with wife.
Lady Aki: Excellent! I shalt start planning ye wedding immediately- ye bridesmaids, ye music, fourteen swans...
Tiger Prince: I regret ‘tis not to be- Sir James must marry an Ama girl with a face like a pig.
Sir James: (Doubtful and a little afraid.) Art thee sure about this, Tiger Prince?
Lady Aki: Aye, mine plan ist much better- mine friends shalt have me ride in a great carriage, we shalt have male strippers and...
Tiger Prince: Nay!
Sir James: Now, Tiger Prince, we shalt need a company of Men, Large muscular do you know such men ?
Tiger Prince: What makeith you think I know of such men, Do not believe all the rumours thy hears.
Sir James: Nay, a company of great warriors to help in our attack- do you have such men here?
(They turn a corner to see young men in white fighting and exercising furiously.)
Tiger Prince: These men are trained from birth in ye arts of stealth and war. Their pay is not much, though they receive benefits both from ye government and their local lord. All art under twenty years of age and hope to be employed opening doors, throwing bowler hats, and so on.
Sir James: So, they are ...... Teenage Two-Grant Ninja Butlers...?
Tiger Prince : I first thought of training them, when I was lost at sea on a little boat with a small
Indian boy.
( They walk past many training and fighting areas .... )
Tiger Prince: Just off ye volcano ist an island, where ye Ama girls dive for pearls. My men will hide here, and thee will be disguised as a fisherman complete with wife.
Lady Aki: Excellent! I shalt start planning ye wedding immediately- ye bridesmaids, ye music, fourteen swans...I have a book full of Ideas since I was a little boy .... My cod piece will
look sensational, and the Talk of the town,.... this time for all the right reasons !
Tiger Prince: I regret ‘tis not to be- Sir James must marry an Ama girl with a face like a pig.
Sir James : A truly beautifully and sexy Pig ?
Tiger Prince : Nay !
Sir James: (Doubtful and a little afraid.) Art thee sure about this, Tiger Prince?
Lady Aki: Aye, mine plan ist much better- mine friends shalt have me ride in a great carriage, we shalt have male strippers and...
Tiger Prince: Nay! Thee are not a bunch of student Nurses knocking back thine Snakebite !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir James: Now, Tiger Prince, we shalt need a company of men- large, muscular: do you know such men ?
Tiger Prince: What make’eth you think I know of such men? Do not believe all the rumours thou hears!
Sir James: Nay, a company of great warriors to help in our attack- do you have such men here?
Tiger Prince: We have much, much better Sir James. Look here! (They turn a corner to see young men in white fighting and exercising furiously.)
Tiger Prince: These men are trained from birth in ye arts of stealth and war. Their pay is not much, though they receive benefits both from ye government and their local lord. All art under twenty years of age and hope to be employed opening doors, throwing bowler hats, and so on.
Sir James: So, they are Teenage Two-Grant Ninja Butlers...?
Tiger Prince: As I said, their pay ist not much and they spend their spare time earning extra cash working on weddings and funerals- they art not very clever.
Sir James: So, they are Low-Waged Hugh Grant Ninja Numbskulls? *
Tiger Prince: I first thought of training them, when I was lost at sea on a little boat with a small Indian boy. (They walk past many training and fighting areas ....)
Tiger Prince: Just off ye volcano ist an island, where ye Ama girls dive for pearls. My men will hide here, and thee will be disguised as a fisherman complete with wife.
Lady Aki: Excellent! I shalt start planning ye wedding immediately- ye bridesmaids, ye music, fourteen swans... I have had a book full of ideas since I was a little boy.... My codpiece will look sensational, and the talk of the town.... this time for all the right reasons!
Tiger Prince: I regret ‘tis not to be- Sir James must marry an Ama girl with a face like a pig.
Sir James: A truly beautifully and sexy pig?
Tiger Prince: Nay!
Sir James: (Doubtful and a little afraid.) Art thee sure about this, Tiger Prince?
Lady Aki: Aye, mine plan ist much better- mine friends shalt have me ride in a great carriage, we shalt have male strippers and...
Tiger Prince: Nay! These are not a bunch of student nurses knocking back yon Snakebite- this ist duty!
Sir James: ... duty...
Lady Aki: Aye... duty....
TP, my compliments on "Hans Knees Bump the Lady"!!!
Now, Aki's death scene...
Act 4, Scene 5. A boudoir.
Lady Aki: Sir James, if thou art to be married tomorrow...
Sir James: Aye, to an Ama with a face like a pig!
Lady Aki: ...then this will be our last night together. We shouldst make the most of it.
Sir James: I like your thinking, Lady Aki. (They embrace. A discreet interval later....
Tiger Prince: Take these, Sir James.
Sir James: And what might these be?
Tiger Prince: 'Tis an extract from sheep, which have been on a strict diet till very old. They are only fed damaged parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. 'Twill give thee strength in battle.
Sir James: So, they are Lean, Aged, Mouton, Injured Herb Pills...
Lady Aki: Sir James, if thou art to be married tomorrow...
Sir James: Aye, to an Ama with a face like a pig!
Lady Aki: ...then this will be our last night together. We shouldst make the most of it.
Sir James: I like your thinking, Lady Aki.
Lady Aki : I hath looked up all the traditions from Albion, First we have the drinking of the Mead.
The singing of the bawdy songs and jokes, the visit to the lap dancing, the "Getting a Kebab" and
being violently sick on the foot path. But first you must lie back Sir James !
Sir James : That's the part I like ...
Lady Aki : I must apply the most honourable Fake Tan ! .... all over your body.
Sir James : whyith not just tan the parts that show ?
Lady Aki : I enjoy applying on the bits that don't show.
Sir James : Come here M'lady, let me show you something .....
(They embrace. A discreet interval later.... both lie sleeping, while above an assassin lies
waiting. Eating some peanuts..... )
Sir James : ( mumors ) No Felix, I'm sure it won't fit .....
( Thee assassin accidentally drops a peanut in to Lady Aki's mouth... )
Lady Aki : Uh ? ( sluring ) Oh, Sir James I'm swelling ...
Sir james : .. I can feel a swelling too....
Lady Aki : No, I can't tawlk proper.
Sir James : Nonsense, Perhaps not the Queens's english but it's very good.
Lady Aki : Sir James ......
( Sir James spies the assassin and doth throw his dagger to dispatch the villain )
Sir James : Lady Aki ?
( Tiger Prince enters .... )
Tiger Prince : What hath occured Sir James ?
Sir James : Ladi Aki hath had something disgusting placed in to her mouth !
Tiger Prince : What Lady Aki chooses to place in her mouth is her own private business...
Sir James : Nay, t'is this peanut !!
Tiger Prince : Much sorrow does fill my heart, she will become bloated and will have to
leave for treatment, she will not be seen by us again in this play
Sir james : If it has to be, but we must move quickly
To keep the fun feeling I decided not to kill Aki, but just have her move off stage
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Totally agree, well done there. Loved the line about tanning the parts that show, mixing the film's lines with ours.
Next is the wedding- don't know how to approach this, perhaps some sort of game show format?
Act 4, Scene 6. A place of worship.
Sir James: And how will we go about this arranged wedding, Tiger Prince?
Tiger Prince: We shalt do it in ye traditional manner, sit here. (Ye Tiger Prince and Sir James sit in front of a stage and watch as a man introduces a series of maidens.)
Host: Our first contestant ist ye lovely Miss Kobe, wearing a stylish outfit made from beer soaked cowskin. How are you, Miss Kobe?
Miss Kobe: I would like to see world peace and everyone being kind to dolphins. (Ye Tiger Prince looks enquiringly at Sir James, who shakes his head.)
Host: Thank you, wouldn't we all? (A long hook unceremoniously drags Miss Kobe off ye stage.) Next ist ye beautiful Miss Tokyo, how are you today?
Miss Tokyo: All ye world should be brothers, or foster brothers at least. (Sir James shakes his head violently.)
Sir James: Foster brothers indeed, that's the stupidest idea I have ever heard. (A trapdoor opens and Miss Tokyo falls through.)
Host: And now, the moment ye have all been waiting for, 'tis the glamorous, delightful Miss Ama! (Enter Lady Kissy in a white bikini.) And wouldst thou like world peace, Miss Ama?
Lady Kissy: Nay, all I want ist to dive for pearls wearing this outfit. (Ye Tiger Prince looks at Sir James, who ist having difficulty keeping his eyes in his head and his tongue in his mouth.)
Tiger Prince: ...and I believe we have a winner.
Lady Kissy: In this bed here shalt ye sleep.
Sir James: Though in marriage we have jointly vowed?
Lady Kissy: Thou must reconsider, Sir James, for to ye holy man thou has borne false witness.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) Then these oysters I shall not need.
Lady Kissy: That is just shellfish.
Sir James: Everyone'sh at it now. (Enter ye Tiger Prince.)
Tiger Prince: Thou must make haste, Sir James, for those across the sea will make launch of their vessel most exceeding soon.
Sir James: But of course- we shalt investigate ye volcano in the morning.
Lady Kissy: Hold ye boat steady, Sir James, while I dive below. (She leaps into ye water, and surfaces a few moments later clutching an oyster.)
Sir James: Last time I tried that I pulled a mussel. (Aside.) Lady Kissy, let us sneak away from the others towards that volcano yonder.
Lady Kissy: Most certainly. (They arrive at ye foot of a volcano. Sir James secures the boat and they begin to ascend ye slopes.)
Sir James: Keep going, milady.
Lady Kissy: How far do you want to go?
Sir James: All the way, of course. :007) (They continue climbing, until confronted by a high wall.)
Sir James: And what ist this? Hast thou heard of this, Lady Kissy?
Lady Kissy: There was talk of some foreigners building something... men with great wagons full of bricks... guards keeping people away... so, no, I have heard nothing. Look, Sir James, a gate in ye wall. It has a sign in a language I know not.
Sir James: 'Tis in German, and it says “Keep Out Of Ye Garden Under Pain Of Death. Signed Dr. G. Shatterhand”. Now, why would one have a warning sign in German outside of a garden in Japan? 'Tis almost as if they wanted people to come in.
Lady Kissy: Mayhap we should turn back, methinks.
Sir James: Nay, let us go round ye outer wall and keep climbing. (As they circle ye wall, Sir James peeks in through a small hole to see a formally dressed man say a prayer then walk into a boiling hot geyser to his death.)
Sir James: Hmm...
Lady Kissy: What is it? What dost thee see?
Sir James: (Not wanting to worry the lady.) Oh, ‘tis nothing... (They reach the top of ye volcano and look down.)
Sir James: Ye lake at the bottom- ‘tis naught but a painting! This must be ye place. Lady Kissy, I prithee, go back and tell ye Tiger Prince to come here with his Ninjas. I shalt go down inside and investigate further.
Lady Kissy: I shalt go at once- but do be careful, Sir James!
Sir James: Worry ye not, I am as sure-footed as a mountain goat. (Lady Kissy exits down ye volcano. Sir James looks further in, trips, and tumbles to ye bottom where he ist captured by several armed men.)
Sir James: Whoops....
Lady Kissy: Hold ye boat steady, Sir James,
Whilst I go down ...
Sir James : What Here ? You little minx , I .....
Lady kissy : ..... while I dive below. Silly Sir James.
(She leaps into ye water, and surfaces a few moments later clutching an oyster, and
a piece of string )
Sir James: Last time I tried that I pulled a mussel. (Aside.) Why the string M'lady ?
Lady Kissy : I didst here you speak to Tiger Prince that thee wished to give me a
Pearl Necklace !
Sir James : (Blushing ) .. let us sneak away from the others towards that volcano yonder.
Lady Kissy: Most certainly.
(They arrive at ye foot of a volcano. Sir James secures the boat )
Lady Kissy : Is the Boat tied securely ?
Sir James : Roger, Moored !
( They proceed up the hillside )
Sir James: Keep going, milady.
Lady Kissy: How far do you want to go?
Sir James: All the way, of course. :007)
Lady Kissy : Perhaps with this adventure, some might say you go-ith over the top.
Sir James : Aye, I ath oft been accused of that !
(They continue climbing, until confronted by a high wall.)
Lady Kissy : This be a Great Wall.
Sir James : Not so great, so long yet not one automated coinage merchant, to be seen.
Lady Kissy : Look upon that pointing of the brickwork ! so precise.
Sir James: Hast thou heard of this, Lady Kissy?
Lady Kissy: There was talk of some foreigners building something... men with great wagons full of bricks... guards keeping people away... so, no, I have heard nothing. Look, Sir James, a gate in ye wall. It has a sign in a language I know not.
Sir James: 'Tis in German, and it says “Keep Out Of Ye Garden Under Pain Of Death. Signed Dr. G. Shatterhand”. Now, why would one have a warning sign in German outside of a garden in Japan? 'Tis almost as if they wanted people to come in.
Lady Kissy: Mayhap we should turn back, methinks.
Sir James: Nay, let us go round ye outer wall and keep climbing.
(As they circle ye wall, Sir James peeks in through a small hole to see a formally dressed man say a prayer then walk into a boiling hot geyser to his death.)
Sir James: Hmm...
Lady Kissy: What is it? What dost thee see?
Sir James: (Not wanting to worry the lady.) Oh, ‘tis nothing...
(They reach the top of ye volcano and look down.)
Sir James: Ye lake at the bottom- ‘tis naught but a painting! This must be ye place. Lady Kissy, I prithee, take a message to ye Tiger Prince. Tell him, I'm at the Ash Rim, about to go down. Send more men as there'll be plenty of action. Have you got that?
Lady Kissy: Aye, I shall pass it on to Lady Caress, who will then pass it on, ‘twill be much quicker- but do be careful, Sir James!
Sir James: Worry ye not, I am as sure-footed as a mountain goat. (Lady Kissy exits down ye volcano. Sir James looks further in, trips, and tumbles to ye bottom where he ist captured by several armed men.)
Sir James: Whoops....
(Later in the Chamber of Tiger Prince a young maiden arrives to impart her message.)
Tiger Prince: Impart unto me thine message....
Tiger Prince's Yeoman: Quickly, fair maiden!
Lady Snogg: Sir James is going down, ass rimming, needs more men for lots of action!
Tiger Prince: So Sir James hath found the volcano and ye lair of his prey- we leave at once, prepare our equipment and supplies!
Tiger Prince's Yeoman: But how didst thee understand that message, Prince?
Tiger Prince: 'Tis nothing, I've used these maidens before.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Comments
Lady Aki: We must make haste, Sir James.
Sir James: And thou must tell me where we are going.
Lady Aki: Ye will find out soon enough.
Sir James: Nay, tell me now for Lord Henderson hast been slain.
(Aki stops ye carriage and leaps out into an alley. Sir James follows but falls down a concealed trapdoor, down a long chute and ist deposited into a comfy chair. A man stands laughing.)
Man: ‘Twas remarkably easy to bring thee to me, Sir James, for thou art only too keen to get into a carriage with a pretty girl. I am ye Tiger Prince.
Sir James: Oh? How dost thou feel about me, then?
Tiger Prince: Why, I do love thee.
Sir James: Of course thou does, everyone doth love me!
Tiger Prince: ‘Tis true, and most especially Maid Moneypenny from what I have been told.
Sir James: Lord Henderson hast been slain, and from his assassin I didst take this scroll.
Tiger Prince: (Reading.) Tokyo Funhouse, hot and cold running Geishas...?
Sir James: Sorry, wrong scroll- this one.
Tiger Prince: It doth speak of a ship called ye Kung Po, docked at ye port of Teriyaki in the Sushi province. This ship ist owned by a man called Osato.
Sir James: Ah, Lord Henderson did speak of this man.
Tiger Prince: Then I shalt arrange for ye to call on him tomorrow.
Tiger Prince: Sir James, pray partake of a flask of rice wine.
Sir James: If it neither hot nor cold be I most surely shall.
Tiger Prince: Verily, thy cultivation ist most exceptional. Dost thou know of our military history also?
Sir James: I hast only read a Samurai, er, summary.
Tiger Prince: Then thou must be educated in our customs. Here, men do always come first.
Sir James: In this matter I have great interest, Tiger Prince.
(A succession of comely young wenches enter.)
Tiger Prince: And which of my concubines doth thee find most in favour?
Sir James: For this sweet maid here I shalt settle.
Tiger Prince: Aye, she ist most sexiful indeed.
Act 3, Scene 4. A place of business. Sir James ist greeted by Osato and his aide, Helga.
Osato: Greetings be upon thee, and pray welcome mine depute Helga.
Helga: Greetings, wouldst thee like a glass of champagne?
Sir James: Later, perhaps.
Osato: I always enjoy a quick one in the morning.
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Yeoman Fisher, and I seek joint enterprise with thee.
(Sir James lights up.)
Osato: Thou should stop smoking, 'tis very bad for thine chest.
Sir James: I have given up smoking many times.
Osato: I bid thee welcome into my bosom.
Helga: In a strong bosom doth Osato-san carry great faith.
Sir James: ...verily...
Osato: So, I prithee, what of thine predecessor Yeoman Williamson?
Sir James: Williamson?
** Williamson should not defy our attempts to plan an amusing death for him.
Osato: Well, most pleased I am to meet thee Yeoman Falsename, er, Fisher, and I trust we shall do business together.
Sir James: I thank'ee.
(Sir James exits.)
Osato: Helga- slay him!
Act 3, Scene 5. Outside Osato's building.
(As Sir James leaves, he ist attacked by varlets but Aki drives up in her carriage.)
Lady Aki: Apace, Sir James, get in!
Sir James: Hmm, have we not done this before?
(They drive off in their small white carriage, hotly pursued by ye varlets in a large black one.)
... but how do we arrange the drop in the ocean? Does Tiger have a trained dragon?
Sir James: And thou must tell me where we are going.
Lady Aki: Ye will find out soon enough.
Sir James: Nay, tell me now for Lord Henderson hast been slain.
(Aki stops ye carriage and leaps out into an alley. Sir James follows but falls down a concealed trapdoor, down a long chute and ist deposited into a comfy chair. A man stands laughing.)
Man: ‘Twas remarkably easy to bring thee to me, Sir James, for thou art only too keen to get into a carriage with a pretty girl. I am ye Tiger Prince.
Sir James: Oh? How dost thou feel about me, then?
Tiger Prince: Why, I do love thee.
Sir James: Of course thou does, everyone doth love me! and I beith glad you're not holding
a carpet beater.
Tiger Prince: ‘Tis true, and most especially Maid Moneypenny from what I have been told.
Sir James : Nay, we be but friends.
Tiger Prince : ..... with benifits ? .... still no matter.
Sir James: Lord Henderson hast been slain, and from his assassin I didst take this scroll.
Tiger Prince: (Reading.) Tokyo Funhouse, hot and cold running Geishas...?
Sir James: Sorry, wrong scroll- this one.
Tiger Prince: It doth speak of a ship called ye Kung Po, docked at ye port of Teriyaki in the Sushi province. This ship ist owned by a man called Osato.
Sir James: Ah, Lord Henderson did speak of this man.
Tiger Prince: Then I shalt arrange for ye to call on him tomorrow.
Tiger Prince: Sir James, pray partake of a flask of rice wine.
( Sir James doth feel the flasks of saki ..... )
Sir James: This beith too hot, This one too cold, but this one is just right.
Tiger Prince: Verily, thy cultivation ist most exceptional.
Sir James : Aye, I even get out of the bath to use privy.
Tiger Prince : Dost thou know of our military history also?
Sir James: I hast only read a Samurai, er, summary.
Tiger Prince: Then thou must be educated in our customs. Here, men do always come first.
Sir james : An Apothecary could supply an ointment to help with that. Or think about cricket.
Tiger Prince : Nay, Here women live to serve Men.
Sir James: In this matter I have great interest, Tiger Prince.
(A succession of comely young wenches enter and stand behind some plinths with lights )
Tiger Prince: And which of my concubines doth thee find most in favour? No likey, no lighty.
( Sir James runs across turning off the lights on the plints untill only one remains ... )
Sir James: For this sweet maid here I shalt settle.
Tiger Prince: Aye, she ist most sexiful indeed.
Osato: Greetings be upon thee, and pray welcome mine depute Helga.
Helga: Greetings, wouldst thee like a glass of champagne?
Sir James: Later, perhaps.
Helga : A Flute of wine ?
Sir james : Later perhaps.
Helga : A stein of Brandy ?
Sir James : As I said, Later !
Helga : A Highball ?
Sir James : Oh all Right I'll have some mead !
Helga : Sorry we don't have any of that.
Osato: I always enjoy a quick one in the morning.
Sir James : as do I, ... But I usually don't start drinking 'till the afternoon.
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Yeoman Fisher, and I seek joint enterprise with thee.
(Sir James lights up.)
Osato: Thou should stop smoking, 'tis very bad for thine chest.
Sir James: I have given up smoking many times.
Osato: I bid thee welcome into my bosom.
Helga: In a strong bosom doth Osato-san carry great faith.
Sir James: ...verily...
Osato: So, I prithee, what of thine predecessor Yeoman Williamson?
Sir James: Williamson? .... Oh he Died in our Quill making factory. Fell
in to a pen of Swans., You know how a Swan can break a man's arm.
Osato : Indeed !
Sir James : Well our swans are specially bred for agression, so they did peck at him,
again and again.
Osato : To die that way is horrible !
Sir James : Yes surrounded by Peckers, every where you'd look. There'd be another Large
pecker in your face !
Osato: Well, most pleased I am to meet thee Yeoman Falsename, er, Fisher, and I trust we shall do business together.
Sir James: I thank'ee.
(Sir James exits.)
Osato: Helga- slay him!
Helga : Let us make it official ( she produces some parchments ) For assassination you must
Initial, Here and Here, Sign here and you do have a two minute cooling off period if you wish to
rescind your request........ also would you sign this Birthday card for Dum Fuk.
Osato : Ruddy official spectre red tape ! if The Syndicate made me an offer, I'd be off !
a bridge with a trap door, so they fall through.
(As Sir James leaves, he ist attacked by varlets but Aki drives up in her carriage.)
Lady Aki: Apace, Sir James, get in!
Sir James: Hmm, have we not done this before?
(They drive off in their small white carriage, hotly pursued by ye varlets in a large black one.)
Sir James: I do hope that thine carriage hast been altered by an Old Wizard, and hast many tricks to foil our pursuers- mayhap, arrows firing from ye rear?
Lady Aki: Better than that- look above!
(Sir James looks up to see a large dragon bearing down upon their pursuers. It picks up ye black carriage behind, though the reins snap leaving its horses safely upon ye road, and flies off. Ye horseman vainly continues to hold the reins as if steering as ye dragon flies over a bay and drops the carriage into the water.)
Sir James: I am very impressed with thine efficiency.
Lady Aki: Ye Tiger Prince hast decreed that we should head straight for ye docks at Teriyaki for a closer look at ye ship Kung Po.
Sir James: Then let it be so.
Act 3, Scene 6. Ye docks.
Sir James: There ist ye ship- now, let us get closer...
Lady Aki: Take heed, Sir James, we art being watched.
(A gang of dockworkers approach menacingly.)
Sir James: Off with ye, Lady Aki, make haste back to ye Tiger Prince- I shalt deal with these ruffians.
(Aki exits. Sir James runs up to a rooftop but ist followed by ye ruffians, who capture him and render him unconscious.)
Another boudoir. Sir James ist still knocked out, and tied to a chair.
Sir James: ....ow, mine head doth hurt... be more careful, Felix, next time we...(Awakes to see Helga before him.) ... Oh, hello.
Helga: Here I have thee bound, Yeoman Fisher.
Sir James: Then much enjoyment I therefore wish unto thee.
Helga: Pursuit of business be not thine intent. I require to know why thou were found wandering around our docks.
Sir James: I like boats, and I used to be a sailor.
Helga: Hmm- wert thou ordinary or able-bodied?
Sir James: Judge for thineself!
(Helga cuts through Sir James's Bonds.)
Helga: Kiss me forthwith.
Sir James: For England such matters I must do.
(They embrace.)
Any added jokes welcome!
Next, I'm thinking TP's idea of a hot-air balloon might be nice for Helga's attempt to kill James...?
(A discreet interval later, Helga leads Sir James outside.)
Sir James: And what have we here?
Helga: ‘Tis a hot-air balloon, to take us safely away. In thou go’est.
Sir James: Thou willst need protection, day and night. I recommend our best man.
Helga: And who might that be?
Sir James: Let me see... there’s Alec, but he can be a bit two-faced. Also Bill, though I think he ist busy navel-gazing in Beirut. So that leaves... me!
Helga: I think it not, Yeoman Fisher!
(Helga lets go of the mooring rope, sending Sir James up in the balloon.)
Sir James: (Up in ye sky.) If only ye Old Wizard were here, he knows about hot air. But mayhap this will suffice...
(Sir James stabs the balloon with his dagger. It plummets downward, and he leaps to safety at ye last minute.)
A bit of craziness might help that scene!
(As Sir James leaves, he ist attacked by varlets but Aki drives up in her carriage.)
Lady Aki: Apace, Sir James, get in!
Sir James: Hmm, have we not done this before?
(They drive off in their small white carriage, hotly pursued by ye varlets in a large black one.)
Sir James: I do hope that thine carriage hast been altered by an Old Wizard, and hast many tricks to foil our pursuers- mayhap, arrows firing from ye rear?
Lady Aki: Better than that- look above!
(Sir James looks up to see a large dragon bearing down upon their pursuers. It picks up ye black carriage behind, though the reins snap leaving its horses safely upon ye road, and flies off. Ye horseman vainly continues to hold the reins as if steering as ye dragon flies over a bay and drops the carriage into the water.)
Sir James: Here be Dragons ! I am very impressed with thine efficiency.
Lady Aki : We call him Seansan, because of the tuft of hair on his head.... and
he doth slur his roar, Just don't be under him when, .... The droppings start !
Sir james : T'would be deep Shi ...
( Lady Aki interupts Sir James as an arrow with a message attached strikes her carriage )
Lady Aki: Ye Tiger Prince hast decreed that we should head straight for ye docks at Teriyaki for a closer look at ye ship Kung Po.
Sir James: Then let it be so.
Act 3, Scene 6. Ye docks.
Sir James: There ist ye ship- now, let us get closer...
Lady Aki: Take heed, Sir James, we art being watched.
Thug : Would thee like to help our charity for Henchmen who hath fallen on hard times.
Sir James : I did give at the office
Thug : A payment of a few groats a month could feed an ex-assassin or provide training for
injured villains in wicker or Papier-mâché crafts
(A gang of charityworkers approach menacingly.)
Sir James: Off with ye, Lady Aki, make haste back to ye Tiger Prince- I shalt deal with these ruffians.
(Aki exits. Sir James runs up to a rooftop but ist followed by ye ruffians, who capture him and render him unconscious.)
Another boudoir. Sir James ist still knocked out, and tied to a chair.
Sir James: ....ow, mine head doth hurt... be more careful, Felix, next time we...(Awakes to see Helga before him.) ... Oh, hello.
Helga: Here I have thee bound, Yeoman Fisher.
Sir James: Then much enjoyment I therefore wish unto thee.
Helga: Pursuit of business be not thine intent. I require to know why thou were found wandering around our docks.
Sir James: I like boats, and I used to be a sailor.
Helga: Hmm- wert thou ordinary or able-bodied?
Sir James: Judge for thineself! I'm listed in the Certificate of Continuous Discharge
Helga : Doth thee know what I hold in my hand ?
Sir James : It beith a wine glass obviously.
Helga : in my OTHER hand !
Sir James : A piece of parchment, very sharp.
Helga : Aye, thee hast guessed well. I'll give you a closer look...
Sir James : No need, fair maid I can see well enough.
Helga : ... cuts as close as a razor ! and you do like close shaves.
Sir James : Actually, I'm growing a beard. something Hipster.
Helga : They say the paper cut is the worst pain a man can endure'
Sir James : I don't know about that,... I've been to a sir Barry Manilow concert. .....
.... Although, Perhaps I must speak the truth. I hath been promised lands and
several Essex Virgins if I can aquire some of Osato's Apothecary secrets..... I'll
share the rewards with thee, if thee release me, let me go.
Helga : Are these lands worth much monies and hard to find ?
Sir James : Aye, the land is worth much as it comes with many titles and you
wouldn't believe how hard it is to find an Essex virgin.
(Helga cuts through Sir James's Bonds.)
Helga: Kiss me forthwith.
Sir James: For England such matters I must do.
(They embrace.)
(A discreet interval later, Helga leads Sir James outside.)
Sir James: And what have we here?
Helga: ‘Tis a hot-air balloon, to take us safely away. In thou go’est.
Sir James: Thou willst need protection, day and night. I recommend our best man.
Helga: And who might that be?
Sir James: Let me see... there’s Alec, but he can be a bit two-faced. Also Bill, though I think he ist busy navel-gazing in Beirut. So that leaves... me!
Helga: I think it not, Yeoman Fisher!
(Helga lets go of the mooring rope, sending Sir James up in the balloon.)
Helga : The wind will carry you off to sea.
Sir James : To see what ?
Helga : Your journey to the promised land !
Sir James : What Chelsea ?
( The Balloon rises, and moves away .... )
Sir James: (Up in ye sky.) If only ye Old Wizard were here, he knows about hot air. But mayhap this will suffice...
( Sir James begins to unwind pieces of wicker from the balloon basket after several minutes he was ready )
Sir James : Crude ? Yes, Functional ? Yes but it should work !
Helga : Now Sir James it will be such sweet sorrow, as my Cannon blows you out of the sky !
(Sir James stabs the balloon with his dagger. It begins to desend..... Sir James Jumps just as
Helga's Cannon Ball destroys the Basket, sending it falling with a splash )
Sir James : I hope thee old Wizard would'st be proud...
( Sir James uses the wave from the crashed ballon basket to Surf in to shore on his Wicker surf board. )
Sir James : ( Singing ) I wish they all could be Caledonia Girls. #
Yes, that's much better! Have a look at https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/806790/#p806790 where I've inserted your changes. I really liked the DAD reference... and the craziness.
Aki: Thou wert very lucky, Sir James.
Tiger Prince: I did warn thee not to get into a carriage with a pretty girl, though I must admit I did not think thou would get into a balloon.
Aki: I am sure Sir James would not touch such a girl!
Sir James: But of course not- heaven forbid!
Tiger Prince: Now, Sir James, a visitor from Albion is here for thee.
(Enter Ye Old Wizard.)
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven: behold thine circumscribed winged chariot!
Tiger Prince: 'Tis naught but a toy.
Old Wizard: Nay, 'tis no toy- with this thou shalt fly to yonder fiery mountain whilst I shalt take some exercise.
Sir James: Exercise? Surely thou doth jest!
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my walk, Naught Naught Seven.
(Sir James climbs carefully into ye tiny winged chariot.)
James now flies to look at the volcano and is attacked by...?
Aki: Thou wert very lucky, Sir James.
Tiger Prince: I did warn thee not to get into a carriage with a pretty girl, though I must admit I did not think thou would get into a balloon.
Sir James : Well, when she said that she would'st elevate Me, I thought she had something else in mind.
Aki: I am sure Sir James would not touch such a girl!
Sir James: But of course not- heaven forbid!
Tiger Prince: Now, Sir James, a visitor from Albion is here for thee.
(Enter Ye Old Wizard.)
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven: behold thine circumscribed winged chariot!
Sir James : It's Jewish ? .... Nice short britches, by the way.
Old Wizard : T'is cutting edge Albion Technology,
Tiger Prince: 'Tis naught but a toy.
Old Wizard: Nay, 'tis no toy- with this thou shalt fly to yonder fiery mountain whilst I shalt take some exercise.
Sir James: Exercise? Surely thou doth jest!
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my walk, Naught Naught Seven.
(Sir James climbs carefully into ye tiny winged chariot.)
Could Bond be attacked by large birds of prey, with midget riders armed with Bows and arrows ?
With a joke about Japanese Miniaturization ? and the only thing better tham a good pun is a Bad one
Tiger Prince: Good luck, Sir James.
Lady Aki: Be careful!
(Sir James flies over a volcano, seeking any clues. Ye shadow of his tiny craft is joined by ye shadows of four menacing birds of prey, carrying Bonsai bowmen who fire arrows at him. Unfazed, Sir James succeeds in flying rings around them until they all crash into the side of ye volcano.)
Sir James: So much for Japanese miniaturization.
Act 4, Scene 3. A villain’s lair inside ye volcano.
Comte de Blofeld: I am the Comte de Blofeld, or soon will be. Wherefore doth Sir James Bond live still?
Osato: Orders did I give that he should be slaughtered without mercy. In this mission did Helga lack of success.
Comte de Blofeld: I shalt deal with thee later- now, I have important visitors to attend to.
1st Eastern Lord: For our collective schemes I do have concern, much treasure have we given unto thee yet our travails have yielded naught.
Comte de Blofeld: I have decided more treasure must thee give unto me.
2nd Eastern Lord: Most vile extortion this doth be.
Comte de Blofeld: Such is mine pursuit, Eastern Lords. I beg thee for thine patience whilst I do feed mine fish with the wastrel Helga.
(Helga ist fed to ye fish.)
Helga: Osato! Nay!!!
Comte de Blofeld: Osato, kill Sir James now!
Osato: Aye, Comte!!!
(The next scene has the pun. Be afraid. Be very afraid. I'll wait just now to let you work on the above...)
Sir James flies over a volcano, seeking any clues. Ye shadow of his tiny craft is joined by ye shadows of six menacing birds of prey. Sir James looks over his shoulder to see the birds are carrying tiny Bonsai bowmen.
Sir James: Bonsai riders! I need to branch off.
Sir James deftly turns the tiny craft left and right, but the Bonsai men follow his every move. Arrows whistle past Sir James, narrowly missing him. With a lurch, Sir James pulls on his joystick to make the tiny winged chariot climb in a steep curve, while the Bonsai riders continue beneath. Sir James pulls on a lever in his chariot, and tiny bags of weed killer drop from beneath.
Sir James: That should root them out.
The bags hit three of the Bonsai riders, who immediately wither, and fall to the ground.
Sir James: I need to leaf, with haste.
Two of the remaining Bonsai riders bank and swerve towards Sir James's chariot, releasing quivers full of arrows, one of which embeds into Sir James's chariot. Fuel begins to stream from the craft, and Sir James grimly realises he has only moments left. He pulls another tiny lever, and a tiny package wrapped with silver foil drops from beneath one side of his craft. One of the birds deftly cranes its neck forward and swallows the package. Moments later, it turns green and crashes to the side of the volcano.
Sir James: Hmm, Albion Airways in-flight catering, what a nasty way to go.
The remaining archer lights the tip of his biggest arrow, and fires it straight at Sir James. With a last-ditch attempt, Sir James pulls the final lever and a lump of strangely yellow-coloured ice flies from his chariot. The remaining archer's arrow pierces the ice, which melts, sizzling, atop the archer's head. With a scream, he turns yellow, withers and crashes to the ground.
Sir James: Privy, I think that snowball flushed him out a wee bit. Must have been the saki.
Steering the failing chariot, he coasts it towards the side of the volcano, where it lands.
Sir James: So much for Japanese miniaturisation.
Comte de Blofeld: I am the Comte de Blofeld, or soon will be. Wherefore doth Sir James Bond live still?
Osato: Orders did I give that he should be slaughtered without mercy. In this mission did Helga lack of success.
Comte de Blofeld: Did thee fillout the necessary parchments ?
Osato : Aye, Comte de Blofeld and initialled !
Comte de Blofeld: I shalt deal with thee later- now, I have important visitors to attend to.
1st Eastern Lord: For our collective schemes I do have concern, much treasure have we given unto thee yet our travails have yielded naught. It be naught but an eastern promise.
Comte de Blofeld: I have decided more treasure must thee give unto me.
2nd Eastern Lord: Most vile extortion this doth be.
Comte de Blofeld: Such is mine pursuit, Eastern Lords. I beg thee for thine patience whilst I do feed mine fish with the wastrel Helga.
Comte de Blofeld: Hans, Bring Helga close to mine fish pond, so she may see Fishies.
Helga : That beith disgusting Comte de Blofeld !
Comte de Blofeld: I said FISHIES ! see how beautiful they look.
(As Helga leans over, Hans bumps her thigh with his knee sending her falling in ...)
Comte de Blofeld: Look how, Hans Knees Bumps the Lady !
Helga: Osato! Nay!!!
Comte de Blofeld:She's had her chips. ... Osato, kill Sir James now!
Osato: Aye, Comte!!!
Comte de Blofeld: Verily Eastern Lords hath thee thought over mine offer ?
1st Eastern Lord : You want it delivered to the usual place !
Hands ,Knees,Bumps a Daisy...... I can do very Bad, Bad puns too
Not as bad as this.... ;% ;% ;%
Act 4, Scene 4.(Ye castle of ye Tiger Prince.)
Sir James: Now, Tiger Prince, we shalt need a company of great warriors to help in our attack- do you have such men here?
Tiger Prince: We have much, much better Sir James. Look here!
(They turn a corner to see young men in white fighting and exercising furiously.)
Tiger Prince: These men are trained from birth in ye arts of stealth and war. Their pay is not much, though they receive benefits both from ye government and their local lord. All art under twenty years of age and hope to be employed opening doors, throwing bowler hats, and so on.
Sir James: So, they are
(Drum roll, please...)
Tiger Prince: Just off ye volcano ist an island, where ye Ama girls dive for pearls. My men will hide here, and thee will be disguised as a fisherman complete with wife.
Lady Aki: Excellent! I shalt start planning ye wedding immediately- ye bridesmaids, ye music, fourteen swans...
Tiger Prince: I regret ‘tis not to be- Sir James must marry an Ama girl with a face like a pig.
Sir James: (Doubtful and a little afraid.) Art thee sure about this, Tiger Prince?
Lady Aki: Aye, mine plan ist much better- mine friends shalt have me ride in a great carriage, we shalt have male strippers and...
Tiger Prince: Nay!
Act 4, Scene 4.(Ye castle of ye Tiger Prince.)
Sir James: Now, Tiger Prince, we shalt need a company of Men, Large muscular do you know such men ?
Tiger Prince: What makeith you think I know of such men, Do not believe all the rumours thy hears.
Sir James: Nay, a company of great warriors to help in our attack- do you have such men here?
(They turn a corner to see young men in white fighting and exercising furiously.)
Tiger Prince: These men are trained from birth in ye arts of stealth and war. Their pay is not much, though they receive benefits both from ye government and their local lord. All art under twenty years of age and hope to be employed opening doors, throwing bowler hats, and so on.
Sir James: So, they are ...... Teenage Two-Grant Ninja Butlers...?
Tiger Prince : I first thought of training them, when I was lost at sea on a little boat with a small
Indian boy.
( They walk past many training and fighting areas .... )
Tiger Prince: Just off ye volcano ist an island, where ye Ama girls dive for pearls. My men will hide here, and thee will be disguised as a fisherman complete with wife.
Lady Aki: Excellent! I shalt start planning ye wedding immediately- ye bridesmaids, ye music, fourteen swans...I have a book full of Ideas since I was a little boy .... My cod piece will
look sensational, and the Talk of the town,.... this time for all the right reasons !
Tiger Prince: I regret ‘tis not to be- Sir James must marry an Ama girl with a face like a pig.
Sir James : A truly beautifully and sexy Pig ?
Tiger Prince : Nay !
Sir James: (Doubtful and a little afraid.) Art thee sure about this, Tiger Prince?
Lady Aki: Aye, mine plan ist much better- mine friends shalt have me ride in a great carriage, we shalt have male strippers and...
Tiger Prince: Nay! Thee are not a bunch of student Nurses knocking back thine Snakebite !
Act 4, Scene 4. Ye castle of ye Tiger Prince.
Sir James: Now, Tiger Prince, we shalt need a company of men- large, muscular: do you know such men ?
Tiger Prince: What make’eth you think I know of such men? Do not believe all the rumours thou hears!
Sir James: Nay, a company of great warriors to help in our attack- do you have such men here?
Tiger Prince: We have much, much better Sir James. Look here!
(They turn a corner to see young men in white fighting and exercising furiously.)
Tiger Prince: These men are trained from birth in ye arts of stealth and war. Their pay is not much, though they receive benefits both from ye government and their local lord. All art under twenty years of age and hope to be employed opening doors, throwing bowler hats, and so on.
Sir James: So, they are Teenage Two-Grant Ninja Butlers...?
Tiger Prince: As I said, their pay ist not much and they spend their spare time earning extra cash working on weddings and funerals- they art not very clever.
Sir James: So, they are Low-Waged Hugh Grant Ninja Numbskulls? *
Tiger Prince: I first thought of training them, when I was lost at sea on a little boat with a small Indian boy.
(They walk past many training and fighting areas ....)
Tiger Prince: Just off ye volcano ist an island, where ye Ama girls dive for pearls. My men will hide here, and thee will be disguised as a fisherman complete with wife.
Lady Aki: Excellent! I shalt start planning ye wedding immediately- ye bridesmaids, ye music, fourteen swans... I have had a book full of ideas since I was a little boy.... My codpiece will look sensational, and the talk of the town.... this time for all the right reasons!
Tiger Prince: I regret ‘tis not to be- Sir James must marry an Ama girl with a face like a pig.
Sir James: A truly beautifully and sexy pig?
Tiger Prince: Nay!
Sir James: (Doubtful and a little afraid.) Art thee sure about this, Tiger Prince?
Lady Aki: Aye, mine plan ist much better- mine friends shalt have me ride in a great carriage, we shalt have male strippers and...
Tiger Prince: Nay! These are not a bunch of student nurses knocking back yon Snakebite- this ist duty!
Sir James: ... duty...
Lady Aki: Aye... duty....
* I’ll get my coat...
Now, Aki's death scene...
Act 4, Scene 5. A boudoir.
Lady Aki: Sir James, if thou art to be married tomorrow...
Sir James: Aye, to an Ama with a face like a pig!
Lady Aki: ...then this will be our last night together. We shouldst make the most of it.
Sir James: I like your thinking, Lady Aki.
(They embrace. A discreet interval later....
????
... "Lean, aged,mouton ,injured Herb pills " to give
a boost of strength in battle.
Tiger Prince: Take these, Sir James.
Sir James: And what might these be?
Tiger Prince: 'Tis an extract from sheep, which have been on a strict diet till very old. They are only fed damaged parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. 'Twill give thee strength in battle.
Sir James: So, they are Lean, Aged, Mouton, Injured Herb Pills...
Act 4, Scene 5. A boudoir.
Lady Aki: Sir James, if thou art to be married tomorrow...
Sir James: Aye, to an Ama with a face like a pig!
Lady Aki: ...then this will be our last night together. We shouldst make the most of it.
Sir James: I like your thinking, Lady Aki.
Lady Aki : I hath looked up all the traditions from Albion, First we have the drinking of the Mead.
The singing of the bawdy songs and jokes, the visit to the lap dancing, the "Getting a Kebab" and
being violently sick on the foot path. But first you must lie back Sir James !
Sir James : That's the part I like ...
Lady Aki : I must apply the most honourable Fake Tan ! .... all over your body.
Sir James : whyith not just tan the parts that show ?
Lady Aki : I enjoy applying on the bits that don't show.
Sir James : Come here M'lady, let me show you something .....
(They embrace. A discreet interval later.... both lie sleeping, while above an assassin lies
waiting. Eating some peanuts..... )
Sir James : ( mumors ) No Felix, I'm sure it won't fit .....
( Thee assassin accidentally drops a peanut in to Lady Aki's mouth... )
Lady Aki : Uh ? ( sluring ) Oh, Sir James I'm swelling ...
Sir james : .. I can feel a swelling too....
Lady Aki : No, I can't tawlk proper.
Sir James : Nonsense, Perhaps not the Queens's english but it's very good.
Lady Aki : Sir James ......
( Sir James spies the assassin and doth throw his dagger to dispatch the villain )
Sir James : Lady Aki ?
( Tiger Prince enters .... )
Tiger Prince : What hath occured Sir James ?
Sir James : Ladi Aki hath had something disgusting placed in to her mouth !
Tiger Prince : What Lady Aki chooses to place in her mouth is her own private business...
Sir James : Nay, t'is this peanut !!
Tiger Prince : Much sorrow does fill my heart, she will become bloated and will have to
leave for treatment, she will not be seen by us again in this play
Sir james : If it has to be, but we must move quickly
To keep the fun feeling I decided not to kill Aki, but just have her move off stage
Next is the wedding- don't know how to approach this, perhaps some sort of game show format?
Act 4, Scene 6. A place of worship.
Sir James: And how will we go about this arranged wedding, Tiger Prince?
Tiger Prince: We shalt do it in ye traditional manner, sit here.
(Ye Tiger Prince and Sir James sit in front of a stage and watch as a man introduces a series of maidens.)
Host: Our first contestant ist ye lovely Miss Kobe, wearing a stylish outfit made from beer soaked cowskin. How are you, Miss Kobe?
Miss Kobe: I would like to see world peace and everyone being kind to dolphins.
(Ye Tiger Prince looks enquiringly at Sir James, who shakes his head.)
Host: Thank you, wouldn't we all? (A long hook unceremoniously drags Miss Kobe off ye stage.) Next ist ye beautiful Miss Tokyo, how are you today?
Miss Tokyo: All ye world should be brothers, or foster brothers at least.
(Sir James shakes his head violently.)
Sir James: Foster brothers indeed, that's the stupidest idea I have ever heard.
(A trapdoor opens and Miss Tokyo falls through.)
Host: And now, the moment ye have all been waiting for, 'tis the glamorous, delightful Miss Ama! (Enter Lady Kissy in a white bikini.) And wouldst thou like world peace, Miss Ama?
Lady Kissy: Nay, all I want ist to dive for pearls wearing this outfit.
(Ye Tiger Prince looks at Sir James, who ist having difficulty keeping his eyes in his head and his tongue in his mouth.)
Tiger Prince: ...and I believe we have a winner.
If anyone has a better idea, feel free!
Lady Kissy: In this bed here shalt ye sleep.
Sir James: Though in marriage we have jointly vowed?
Lady Kissy: Thou must reconsider, Sir James, for to ye holy man thou has borne false witness.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) Then these oysters I shall not need.
Lady Kissy: That is just shellfish.
Sir James: Everyone'sh at it now.
(Enter ye Tiger Prince.)
Tiger Prince: Thou must make haste, Sir James, for those across the sea will make launch of their vessel most exceeding soon.
Sir James: But of course- we shalt investigate ye volcano in the morning.
It's a bit bland.
Lady Kissy: Hold ye boat steady, Sir James, while I dive below.
(She leaps into ye water, and surfaces a few moments later clutching an oyster.)
Sir James: Last time I tried that I pulled a mussel. (Aside.) Lady Kissy, let us sneak away from the others towards that volcano yonder.
Lady Kissy: Most certainly.
(They arrive at ye foot of a volcano. Sir James secures the boat and they begin to ascend ye slopes.)
Sir James: Keep going, milady.
Lady Kissy: How far do you want to go?
Sir James: All the way, of course. :007)
(They continue climbing, until confronted by a high wall.)
Sir James: And what ist this? Hast thou heard of this, Lady Kissy?
Lady Kissy: There was talk of some foreigners building something... men with great wagons full of bricks... guards keeping people away... so, no, I have heard nothing. Look, Sir James, a gate in ye wall. It has a sign in a language I know not.
Sir James: 'Tis in German, and it says “Keep Out Of Ye Garden Under Pain Of Death. Signed Dr. G. Shatterhand”. Now, why would one have a warning sign in German outside of a garden in Japan? 'Tis almost as if they wanted people to come in.
Lady Kissy: Mayhap we should turn back, methinks.
Sir James: Nay, let us go round ye outer wall and keep climbing.
(As they circle ye wall, Sir James peeks in through a small hole to see a formally dressed man say a prayer then walk into a boiling hot geyser to his death.)
Sir James: Hmm...
Lady Kissy: What is it? What dost thee see?
Sir James: (Not wanting to worry the lady.) Oh, ‘tis nothing...
(They reach the top of ye volcano and look down.)
Sir James: Ye lake at the bottom- ‘tis naught but a painting! This must be ye place. Lady Kissy, I prithee, go back and tell ye Tiger Prince to come here with his Ninjas. I shalt go down inside and investigate further.
Lady Kissy: I shalt go at once- but do be careful, Sir James!
Sir James: Worry ye not, I am as sure-footed as a mountain goat.
(Lady Kissy exits down ye volcano. Sir James looks further in, trips, and tumbles to ye bottom where he ist captured by several armed men.)
Sir James: Whoops....
Lady Kissy: Hold ye boat steady, Sir James,
Whilst I go down ...
Sir James : What Here ? You little minx , I .....
Lady kissy : ..... while I dive below. Silly Sir James.
(She leaps into ye water, and surfaces a few moments later clutching an oyster, and
a piece of string )
Sir James: Last time I tried that I pulled a mussel. (Aside.) Why the string M'lady ?
Lady Kissy : I didst here you speak to Tiger Prince that thee wished to give me a
Pearl Necklace !
Sir James : (Blushing ) .. let us sneak away from the others towards that volcano yonder.
Lady Kissy: Most certainly.
(They arrive at ye foot of a volcano. Sir James secures the boat )
Lady Kissy : Is the Boat tied securely ?
Sir James : Roger, Moored !
( They proceed up the hillside )
Sir James: Keep going, milady.
Lady Kissy: How far do you want to go?
Sir James: All the way, of course. :007)
Lady Kissy : Perhaps with this adventure, some might say you go-ith over the top.
Sir James : Aye, I ath oft been accused of that !
(They continue climbing, until confronted by a high wall.)
Lady Kissy : This be a Great Wall.
Sir James : Not so great, so long yet not one automated coinage merchant, to be seen.
Lady Kissy : Look upon that pointing of the brickwork ! so precise.
Sir James: Hast thou heard of this, Lady Kissy?
Lady Kissy: There was talk of some foreigners building something... men with great wagons full of bricks... guards keeping people away... so, no, I have heard nothing. Look, Sir James, a gate in ye wall. It has a sign in a language I know not.
Sir James: 'Tis in German, and it says “Keep Out Of Ye Garden Under Pain Of Death. Signed Dr. G. Shatterhand”. Now, why would one have a warning sign in German outside of a garden in Japan? 'Tis almost as if they wanted people to come in.
Lady Kissy: Mayhap we should turn back, methinks.
Sir James: Nay, let us go round ye outer wall and keep climbing.
(As they circle ye wall, Sir James peeks in through a small hole to see a formally dressed man say a prayer then walk into a boiling hot geyser to his death.)
Sir James: Hmm...
Lady Kissy: What is it? What dost thee see?
Sir James: (Not wanting to worry the lady.) Oh, ‘tis nothing...
(They reach the top of ye volcano and look down.)
Sir James: Ye lake at the bottom- ‘tis naught but a painting! This must be ye place. Lady Kissy, I prithee, take a message to ye Tiger Prince. Tell him, I'm at the Ash Rim, about to go down. Send more men as there'll be plenty of action. Have you got that?
Lady Kissy: Aye, I shall pass it on to Lady Caress, who will then pass it on, ‘twill be much quicker- but do be careful, Sir James!
Sir James: Worry ye not, I am as sure-footed as a mountain goat.
(Lady Kissy exits down ye volcano. Sir James looks further in, trips, and tumbles to ye bottom where he ist captured by several armed men.)
Sir James: Whoops....
(Later in the Chamber of Tiger Prince a young maiden arrives to impart her message.)
Tiger Prince: Impart unto me thine message....
Tiger Prince's Yeoman: Quickly, fair maiden!
Lady Snogg: Sir James is going down, ass rimming, needs more men for lots of action!
Tiger Prince: So Sir James hath found the volcano and ye lair of his prey- we leave at once, prepare our equipment and supplies!
Tiger Prince's Yeoman: But how didst thee understand that message, Prince?
Tiger Prince: 'Tis nothing, I've used these maidens before.