(Ye Comte de Blofeld runs from room to room, Sir James only pausing to make quick sketches of ye tapestries showing where all ye maidens were sent.)
Sir James: Good Lord, why art there so many islands, river and mountains??? Time ist short, I willst just draw ye fjord or town ye maiden lives in, and find ye correct one later. How hard can it be? ( Ye Comte finally dives through a small window into ye snow outside as ye castle blows up. Sir James follows.)
The last scene. I don't think I've caught the right mood, and would appreciate all help since this is a classic Bond moment.
Act 5, Scene 4. A wedding.
Toastmaster: Milord, ladies and gentlemen, agents of discretion, assorted varlets, men in green shoes: the toast is The Bride And Groom, Sir James and Lady Bond! (All cheer.)
Sir Miles: Mine heartiest congratulations, Sir James.
Sir James: I thank’ee, sire.
Prince Draco: Sir James, here, take this...
Sir James: Nay, father-in-law, her price ist far higher than rubies.
Prince Draco: Ruby? Ye maiden from Pizza Gloria? Do not tell me that thou didst..
Sir James: (Apace.) Nay, nay, thou hast misunderstood.
Maid Moneypenny: Wah... sniff...
Sir James: Sir Miles, what ist wrong with Maid Moneypenny?
Sir Miles: I shalt explain later, Naught Naught Seven.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. My services I do offer thee.
Sir James: In this department I shall not need thine services, Old Wizard. (Sir James and his new wife drive off in their carriage.)
Lady Bond: Thou hast avoided running down that man in green shoes, Sir James.
Sir James: Later, perhaps- all the time in the world doth we have.
Lady Bond: Take these flowers from our carriage, Sir James.
Sir James: But of course. (A carriage rushes by, driven by ye Comte de Blofeld. Fraulein Irma takes aim, and Lady Bond ist slain.)
Sir James: That was ye Comte... (Realises.) All ye time in ye world we doth have....
(Ye Comte de Blofeld runs from room to room, Sir James only pausing to make quick sketches of ye tapestries showing where all ye maidens were sent.)
Sir James: Good Lord, why art there so many islands, river and mountains??? Time ist short, I willst just draw ye fjord or town ye maiden lives in, and find ye correct one later. How hard can it be? an'st
I be'ith not happy with mine shading or use of perspective. As it always be a matter of perspective. I doth not feel I've captured the full natural beauty of these lands.
( Ye Comte finally dives through a small window into ye snow outside as ye castle blows up. Sir James follows.)
Sir James: Aw, thou art so cute! Didst thee bring any brandy?
(Ye dog begins to hump Sir James’s leg.)
Sir James: Ah... ok.... enough now... down, boy... At least buy me a Brandy first !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Toastmaster: Milord, ladies and gentlemen, agents of discretion, assorted varlets, men in green shoes: the toast is The Bride And Groom, Sir James and Lady Bond!
(All cheer.)
Sir Miles: Mine heartiest congratulations, Sir James. I hope you enjoyed my speech.
Sir James: Aye, I thank’ee, sire. Your remark that as we both met Gambling with cards, that we were
"Well suited" for each other was worthy of the great Sir James of Tarbuck.
Sir Miles : T'was all in jest.
Sir James : as was your witticism, that it be a day full of Emotions, that even the cake was in tiers !
Sir Miles : ( Laughs ) Aye, as was mine " I'm here till thursday, try the veal "
( Prince Draco enters )
Prince Draco: Sir James, here, take this...
Sir James: Nay, father-in-law, her price ist far higher than rubies.
Prince Draco: Ruby? Ye maiden from Pizza Gloria? Do not tell me that thou didst..
Sir James: (Apace.) Nay, nay, thou hast misunderstood.
Maid Moneypenny: Wah... sniff...
Old Wizard : ( gifting a Handkerchief ) Do not cry ..
Maid Moneypenny : I'm sorry I can'st help myself.
Old Wizard : Did thy hold a torch for Sir James.
Maid Moneypenny : Nay, I'm holding the bridal bouquet and it's playing hell with my Hay fever.
Sir James: Sir Miles, what ist wrong with Maid Moneypenny?
Sir Miles: I shalt explain later, Naught Naught Seven.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. My services I do offer thee.
Sir James: In this department I shall not need thine services, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard : Quickly, observe what be in my Case ....
Sir James : ( Glancing down ) ... UM ?... Very well, I'll tak'ith the hand shackles and the British version of the Kama Sutra.
Old Wizard : New and revised it now hath Two positions !
Sir James : TWO !!!!! How could .......
Old Wizard : Apace Sir James, your Bride is eager to get off, ..... sorry to get away.
(Sir James and his new wife drive off in their carriage.)
Lady Bond: Thou hast avoided running down that man in green shoes, Sir James.
Sir James: Later, perhaps- all the time in the world doth we have.
Lady Bond: Take these flowers from our carriage, Sir James.
Sir James: But of course.
(A carriage rushes by, driven by ye Comte de Blofeld. Fraulein Irma takes aim, and Lady Bond ist slain.)
Sir James: That was ye Comte... (Realises.) All ye time in ye world we doth have....
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Edit: All of the above now included! Unless anyone has some last-minute alterations or ideas, that's this one concluded and I think it's our best yet! {[] {[] {[]
Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
Sir Miles: What knowest thee of gemstones, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Most precious they are, my liege, valued by the fairer sex, ‘tis all I know.
Sir Miles: On this matter I find agreeable thine lack of expertise. I prithee, pay heed to Sir Donald.
Sir Donald: From our mines the gems are taken
By stealth, if I be not mistaken
The constables sleep and are not awakened
Have a sherry, ‘tis stirred and was not shaken
Sir Miles: 'Tis not for me, mine apothecary hast advised against this.
Sir James: A pity, sire, for 'tis most agreeable.
Sir Miles: To find these gemstones ist thine charge, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Then to Africa I must go forthwith!
Sir Miles: Thou art going to ye Netherlands, in the stead of one Yeoman Franks.
Moneypenny: I prithee, Sir James, save one gemstone for me, in a ring for mine finger.
Sir James: Naught but one flower shall I bring thee, Moneypenny.
Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
Sir Miles: What knowest thee of gemstones, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James : With Maidens, flowers sayith sorry but a gemstone saith that I be
REALLY,REALLY SORRY !!
Sir Miles :aye.
Sir James: Most precious they are, my liege, valued by the fairer sex, ‘tis all I know.
Sir Miles: On this matter I find agreeable thine lack of expertise. I prithee, pay heed to Sir Donald Duck !
( Sir Donald, doth squat down )
Sir Miles : Pardon, good sir, I did see a bee near thine head
Sir Donald Thank yee. ( rising to walk forward )
Sir Miles : Sir, Donald where's your trousers ?
Sir Donald : Pardon, I be forgetful at times, They say it be stress related. The relation in question causing the stress is my wife.( he doth raise his hoes, but a small sound is heard from his rear )
Sir James : Be that a sir Donald Trump ?
Sir Miles : Pipe down naught, naught, seven!
Sir Donald : Look you well here Sir James ( he takes sir james to some display cabinets )
Sir Donald : 14 carrots, ( points to a second box ) 15 carrots
Sir James : and in this box ?
Sir Donald : They be Parsnips, My wife Lady Muffy thought gardening would'st help with my stress.
( Sir James nods )
Sir Donald: From our mines the gems are taken
By stealth, if I be not mistaken
The constables sleep and are not awakened
Have a sherry, ‘tis stirred and was not shaken
Sir Miles: 'Tis not for me, mine apothecary hast advised against this.
Sir James: A pity, sire, for 'tis most agreeable.
Sir Miles: To find these gemstones ist thine charge, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Then to Africa I must go forthwith! and pack my Safari Suit !
Sir Miles: Thou art going to ye Netherlands, in the stead of one Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: Very well sir, ...... can I still take my Safari Suit ?
Moneypenny: I prithee, Sir James, save one gemstone for me, in a ring for mine finger.
Sir James: Naught but one flower shall I bring thee, Moneypenny.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
I skipped the bit with the dentist, the scorpion, and Kidd & Wint but feel free to include it before the next bit, below:
(In a schoolhouse, far away, a class ist being taught.)
Mrs Whistler: Today, children, ye shalt know what “C” stands for. It stands for- (Enter Joshua.)
Joshua: Two men await thee, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Gentlemen, I be sure, Joshua.
Joshua: Indeed. Wouldst thou like me to tell about ye political situation in-
Mrs Whistler: Perhaps later. (She doth enter an office, where Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint await.)
Yeoman Kidd: Greetings, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Most pleasant it is to see thee, gentlemen, and where shalt I be travelling to?
Yeoman Wint: To ye Netherlands. (He hands her a small purse.)
Mrs Whistler: Excellent, I thank’ee.
Joshua: Indeed. Wouldst thou like me to tell everyone about ye political situation in-
Mrs Whistler: Perhaps later. And Joshua...?
Joshua: Yes, Mrs Whistler?
Mrs Whistler: Don't turn around.
Act 2, Scene 2. A boudoir. Sir James ist admitted by Lady Tiffany.
Sir James: ‘Tis a most appealing little nothing thou art wearing- mine approval rating ist high.
Lady Tiffany: For the approval of ye yeomen I do not dress in finery.
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Franks, Peter Franks.
Lady Tiffany: Yeoman Franks, thine charge ist to carry gemstones across the sea, for great rewards.
Sir James: Aye, most certainly. Let us dine together forthwith- a small eating place nearby I have knowledge of...
Lady Tiffany: Ne’er shall I pleasure with business combine. How should I colour mine tresses to please thee?
Sir James: I care not, should the cowl match the corset. Art thou fond of ye gemstones, Lady Tiffany?
Lady Tiffany: They are all I need to please me- they can stimulate and tease me. Return here tonight and we shall discuss this matter further.
(Later, Sir James ist surprised to see ye real Yeoman Franks making his way to Lady Tiffany’s chambers.)
Sir James: Guten abend! Thou art English?
Yeoman Franks: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir James: I speak English- after who, sir. (Sir James does battle with Yeoman Franks, slaying him just as Lady Tiffany appears, and slipping his own purse into Franks’ pocket.)
Lady Tiffany: (Examining ye purse.) In faith, thou hast slain he who is called Bond, James Bond!
Sir James: Verily! It doth show that nobody lives forever.
Lady Tiffany: Thou dost not slay Sir James Bond and tarry for the constables, Yeoman Franks, thou must make speed with carrying the gemstones.
Sir James: Then Sir James can our load carry henceforth.
(In a schoolhouse, far away, a class ist being taught.)
Mrs Whistler: Today, children, ye shalt know what “C” stands for. It stands for-
Young Max : Careless, ( Whispers, .. to rest of the infants )
(Enter Joshua.)
Joshua: Two men await thee, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Gentlemen, I be sure, Joshua.
Joshua: Indeed. Wouldst thou like me to tell about ye political situation in-
Mrs Whistler: Perhaps later. And Joshua...?
Joshua: Yes, Mrs Whistler?
Mrs Whistler: Don't turn around.
(She doth enter an office, where Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint await.)
Yeoman Kidd: Greetings, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Most pleasant it is to see thee, gentlemen, and where shalt I be travelling to?
Yeoman Wint: To ye Netherlands. (He hands her a small purse.)
Mrs Whistler: Excellent, I thank’ee. I must make some etchings of the canals for the children.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
If no-one has any ideas for the scene above where James meets Tiffany, then here's the next one:
Act 3, Scene 1. A port. Sir James alights from a vessel, knowing that Lady Tiffany ist following but unaware that Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint follow also. A coffin ist unloaded and Sir James follows for its inspection.
Lord Felix: I welcome thee across the sea, Sir James, or Yeoman Franks should I say.
Sir James: Most pleased I am to see thee, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: I prithee, wherefore shall I find the gemstones?
Sir James: ‘Tis alimentary, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: A carriage hast been sent for thee, driven by wastrels.
1st Naughty Man: In front shalt thou be seated, Yeoman Franks.
2nd Naughty Man: 'Tis of far greater comfort in front, Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: Verily, in front shall I sit. (Sir James enters ye carriage as ye coffin ist loaded in.)
2nd Naughty Man: Hast thee a brother, Yeoman Franks? A brother have I.
Sir James: Well, ye globe ist small...
1st Naughty Man: Watch out for yon man with green trai... (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Sir James: No matter.
Act 2, Scene 2. A boudoir. Sir James ist admitted by Lady Tiffany.
Sir James: ‘Tis a most appealing little nothing thou art wearing- mine approval rating ist high.
Lady Tiffany: For the approval of ye yeomen I do not dress in finery.
Sir James, Thine fashion of wearing Black is most comley.
Lady Tiffany : Aye, My fashion sense is't second to Nun ! In Fact I hath only two complaints....
..... "nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
Sir James : I know not of thee fashion industry, other than they be'ist "clothes minded", but thine
dress would'st look better on ........ the Floor ?
Lady Tiffany : Let us get to Business.
Sir James: I had hopes we would give each other the business...
Lady Tiffany : Nay, The Smuggling business ! You Sir do not believe in Lady's Rights
Sir James : Nay. I even Let my House keep May, work twice as many hours so she can earn the same as the male servants.
Ladt Tiffany : Why, thee be almost a Feminist !
( Sir James, doth raise an eyebrow )
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Franks, Peter Franks.
Lady Tiffany: Yeoman Franks, thine charge ist to carry gemstones across the sea, for great rewards.
Sir James: Aye, most certainly. Let us dine together forthwith- a small eating place nearby I have knowledge of...
Lady Tiffany: Ne’er shall I pleasure with business combine. How should I colour mine tresses to please thee?
Sir James: I care not, should the cowl match the corset. Art thou fond of ye gemstones, Lady Tiffany?
Lady Tiffany: They are all I need to please me- they can stimulate and tease me. Return here tonight and we shall discuss this matter further.
(Later, Sir James ist surprised to see ye real Yeoman Franks making his way to Lady Tiffany’s chambers.)
Sir James: Guten abend! Thou art English?
Yeoman Franks: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir James: I speak English- after who, sir.
(Sir James does battle with Yeoman Franks, slaying him just as Lady Tiffany appears, and slipping his own purse into Franks’ pocket.)
Lady Tiffany: (Examining ye purse.) In faith, thou hast slain he who is called Bond, James Bond! ....
... I did'st not know he was a member of The Naughty Maidens club.
Sir James: Verily! It doth show that nobody lives forever........ I hear that club is full of Intellectuals
with monthly Talks on Carriages and crop rotations.
Lady Tiffany: Thou dost not slay Sir James Bond and tarry for the constables, Yeoman Franks, thou must make speed with carrying the gemstones.
Sir James: Then Sir James can our load carry henceforth.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 3, Scene 1. A port. Sir James alights from a vessel, knowing that Lady Tiffany ist following but unaware that Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint follow also. A coffin ist unloaded and Sir James follows for its inspection.
Lord Felix: I welcome thee across the sea, Sir James, or Yeoman Franks should I say.
Sir James: Aye, I must be Franks with you. Most pleased I am to see thee, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix : Welcome to thee Colonies.
Lord Felix: I prithee, wherefore shall I find the gemstones?
Sir James: ‘Tis alimentary, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix : Alimentary, My Ass ! Sir James ( Laughing he nods across the dock )
Lord Felix: A carriage hast been sent for thee, driven by wastrels.
1st Naughty Man: In front shalt thou be seated, Yeoman Franks.
2nd Naughty Man: 'Tis of far greater comfort in front, Yeoman Franks.
3rd Naughty Man : Aye, Tis of more comfort in the front.
Lord Felix : (Shouting ) The front looks to be of comfort Yeoman Franks
Sir James: Verily, in front shall I sit.
(Sir James enters ye carriage as ye coffin ist loaded in clumsily at first .)
1st Naughty Man : Hey, Take'ith Car with Yeoman Franks Stiff one..... Er sorry Yeoman Franks !
2nd Naughty Man: Hast thee a brother, Yeoman Franks? A brother have I.
Sir James: Well, ye globe ist small...
1st Naughty Man: Watch out for yon man with green trai... (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Sir James: No matter. Hath thee much experience handling stiffs ?
2nd : Naughty Man : Of Corpse we hath, especially at thee Crematorium. To see who be'ith
the quickest.
Sir James : Who won.
1st Naughty man : The Crematorium ?, ....... T'was a Dead Heat !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 3, Scene 2.(Sir James ist taken to a place of ye dead. Ye varlets carry ye coffin inside as Sir James ist met by ye gravemaster.)
Yeoman Slumber: I be Yeoman Morton Slumber. I bid thee greetings, Yeoman Franks, and I thank’ee for selecting mine establishment for thine brother’s resting place.
Sir James: To a better place he ist headed, Yeoman Slumber.
Yeoman Slumber: Mine services art available for any other brothers thou may’est have.
Sir James: Nay, no other brothers, foster brothers, stepbrothers, foster brothers, half-brothers, or foster brothers have I. Most assuredly not, especially ye foster brother bit.
Yeoman Slumber: Congratulations on purchasing the Executive Version of our caskets. Thou hast chosen wisely, and we value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality. Everything in this coffin hast been designed to meet the exacting standards which thou hast naturally come to expect. The casket itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl. You can relax and enjoy this quality product, secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created for the lover of fine things and ye man of good taste. (Farts.) Oh, sorry.
Sir James: ...er, aye.
Yeoman Slumber: And now, if thou art ready...? (Yeoman Slumber pulls a lever, and ye coffin enters a hidden chamber. Faintly ye sounds of fierce flames can be heard.)
Sir James: (Aside.) Farewell, Yeoman Franks.
Yeoman Slumber: Ye ashes shalt be presented to thee outside, in our most peaceful fountains garden.
Sir James: But of course. (Sir James goes to ye gardens, and finds ye correct urn from which he removes a packet containing gold coins. Suddenly he ist struck from behind by Yeoman Wint and Yeoman Kidd, who drag him into a coffin and pull ye lever which sends it into a fiery furnace.)
Yeoman Kidd: Dance into ye fire, Yeoman Wint.
Yeoman Wint: A fatal kiss, Yeoman Kidd. (They depart, hand in hand. Sir James lies unconscious within ye coffin which hast been sent into ye flames.)
Sir James: ...oh, yes, Felix, ‘tis most wonderful... most lovely and warm... hot... too hot!!! (Awakens.) What? Oh nay, oh shi- (Ye casket ist opened and a red-haired hunchback doth glare inside.)
Shady Tree: (For it ist he.) Thou stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder, those thrice-cursed gemstones are false!
Sir James: Scruffy looking????
Shady Tree: Naught but mocks they are!
Sir James: And where art ye real gold coins?
Shady Tree: What dost thou mean?
Sir James: Thou would not consign to a fire real gold coins. Thou shalt get me ye real gold, and I shalt get ye real gemstones.
Act 3, Scene 2. (Sir James ist taken to a place of ye dead. Ye varlets carry ye coffin inside as Sir James ist met by ye gravemaster.)
Yeoman Slumber: I be Yeoman Morton Slumber. I bid thee greetings, Yeoman Franks, and I thank’ee for selecting mine establishment for thine brother’s resting place.
Sir James: To a better place he ist headed, Yeoman Slumber.
Yeoman Slumber: Mine services art available for any other brothers thou may’est have.
Sir James: Nay, no other brothers, foster brothers, stepbrothers, foster brothers, half-brothers, or foster brothers have I. Most assuredly not, especially ye foster brother bit.
Yeoman Slumber: Congratulations on purchasing the Executive Version of our caskets. Thou hast chosen wisely, and we value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality. Everything in this coffin hast been designed to meet the exacting standards which thou hast naturally come to expect. The casket itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl. You can relax and enjoy this quality product, secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created for the lover of fine things and ye man of good taste. (Farts.) Oh, sorry.
Sir James: ...er, aye.
Yeoman Slumber:I'm so happy you chose our half-couch, hinged-panel, slumber-on casket.
I'm sure your brother would'st have appreciated it. ( He begings to foam at the mouth with excitement )
Sir James : Please Yeoman Slumber, Thee is't having a Coffin Fit !
Yeoman Slumber: Pardon and now, if thou art ready...?
(Yeoman Slumber pulls a lever, and ye coffin enters a hidden chamber. Faintly ye sounds of fierce flames can be heard.)
Sir James: (Aside.) Farewell, Yeoman Franks.
Yeoman Slumber: Ye ashes shalt be presented to thee outside, in our most peaceful fountains garden.
Sir James: But of course. The Garden sounds lovely, when I go I hope I be buried in a Bush.
(Sir James goes to ye gardens, and finds ye correct urn from which he removes a packet containing gold coins. Suddenly he ist struck from behind by Yeoman Wint and Yeoman Kidd, who drag him into a coffin and pull ye lever which sends it into a fiery furnace.)
Yeoman Kidd: Dance into ye fire, Yeoman Wint.
Yeoman Wint: A fatal kiss, Yeoman Kidd.
Yeoman Kidd: An old flame
Yeoman Wint: A blaze of glory.
Yeoman Kidd: If you can't stand'th the heat
Yeoman Wint: ..... I think'ith That be enough, let us make our leave.
(They depart, hand in hand. Sir James lies unconscious within ye coffin which hast been sent into ye flames.)
Sir James: ...oh, yes, Felix, ‘tis most wonderful... most lovely and warm... hot... too hot!!! (Awakens.) What? Oh nay, oh shi-
(Ye casket ist opened and a red-haired hunchback doth glare inside.)
Shady Tree: (For it ist he.) Thou stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder, those thrice-cursed gemstones are false!
Sir James: Scruffy looking????
Shady Tree: Naught but mocks they are!
Sir James: And where art ye real gold coins?
Shady Tree: What dost thou mean?
Sir James: Thou would not consign to a fire real gold coins. Thou shalt get me ye real gold, and I shalt get ye real gemstones.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Nice additions, TP- did you notice where I pinched Slumber's speech (Congratulations on purchasing..) from?
Act 4, Scene 1. A gaming house. A band play "Good Morning Vegas Town".
(Sir James watches with interest as Shady Tree amuses an audience.)
Shady Tree: ...he hast only been there twice- ye first time he was sick, and ye second time his hat blew off!
(Possibly another joke or two from Shady)
(Ye audience laughs. Sir James moves on to ye gaming tables.)
Sir James: I prithee, may I have credit for ten thousand of thine dollars?
Croupier: Yeoman Saxby...? (Enter Yeoman Saxby. Sir James displays his gold coins in a purse labelled “Slumber”.)
Yeoman Saxby: Aye, ‘tis good. (Sir James begins to gamble and ist accosted by a most beauteous and fulsome wench.)
Mistress Plenty: With thine sport I proffer mine assistance.
Sir James: Most grateful I am, Mistress...?
Mistress Plenty: Plenty am I.
Sir James: Most verily, ‘tis true.
Mistress Plenty: Plenty O’Toole.
Sir James: For thine father thou be named, I am sure. Thou art ye most beauteous wench I have ever seen.
Mistress Plenty: Verily?
Sir James: Nay, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.
Mistress Plenty: Then let us retire to thine chambers, thou smooth talker.
Sir James: To be sure, after I have made some bets...
(This could be when Kidd & Wint go visit Shady backstage)
(Later, in a boarding house.)
Mistress Plenty: Thine chambers be most beauteous, Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: I bid thee welcome. (They embrace. Enter ye three Naughty Men.)
Sir James: With more than mine hands up hast thou found me. (Two of ye varlets seize Mistress Plenty and take her to ye window.)
Mistress Plenty: Cease forthwith! Thou canst not do this to me! I do have friends in this- (She ist thrown out of ye window.)
Mistress Plenty: T
O
W
N!!!!!
Sir James: (Looking out ye window.) ‘Tis most fortunate her fall was broken by yon man wearing green trainers!
1st Naughty Man: I didn't know there was a fool down there.
Sir James: Now, I do assume thou hast come for ye... (The three varlets exit.)
Sir James: ?:) .... gemstones?
Lady Tiffany: (From ye bedroom.) Oh, Yeoman Franks...?
Sir James: Ah, now I do see. (Sir James enters ye bedroom to find Lady Tiffany atop his bed.)
Lady Tiffany: Good evening, Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: It may turn out that way after all.
Lady Tiffany: Mayhap, but first we shouldst talk. (Sir James begins to remove his clothes.)
Sir James: Of gemstones, perhaps?
Lady Tiffany: 'Tis correct... keep going... (Sir James ist completely disrobed.)
Sir James: Thou wishest to know where ye real gemstones are?
Lady Tiffany: Most impressed I am, Peter Franks, to thee there ist a lot more than I did expect.
Sir James: Touch it, stroke it and undress it.... (After a discreet interval...)
Lady Tiffany: ...so, Peter, where shalt I get ye gemstones?
Sir James: Where else, but from a circus?
In all immodesty, I'm really pleased with the "fool/pool" pun! ;%
Act 4, Scene 2. A circus. A sign says “Book now for Berlin, only twelve years left.”
Lord Felix: A circus? I prithee, Sir James, of all places why a circus?
Sir James: It did seem like a good idea at ye time.
Lord Felix: And what were thou doing at ye time?
Sir James: ...er...
Lord Felix: Oh, I see. Ye next time, thou should be standing up when picking a place.
Sir James: Art thine men ready?
Lord Felix: Many of them, over a hundred. A mouse in green sneakers couldn't get through! Ah, here comes ye lady now. (Lady Tiffany enters ye circus.)
Comments
Will fit in those ideas later tonight! Unless someone beats me to it.
Sir James: Good Lord, why art there so many islands, river and mountains??? Time ist short, I willst just draw ye fjord or town ye maiden lives in, and find ye correct one later. How hard can it be?
( Ye Comte finally dives through a small window into ye snow outside as ye castle blows up. Sir James follows.)
Act 5, Scene 4. A wedding.
Toastmaster: Milord, ladies and gentlemen, agents of discretion, assorted varlets, men in green shoes: the toast is The Bride And Groom, Sir James and Lady Bond!
(All cheer.)
Sir Miles: Mine heartiest congratulations, Sir James.
Sir James: I thank’ee, sire.
Prince Draco: Sir James, here, take this...
Sir James: Nay, father-in-law, her price ist far higher than rubies.
Prince Draco: Ruby? Ye maiden from Pizza Gloria? Do not tell me that thou didst..
Sir James: (Apace.) Nay, nay, thou hast misunderstood.
Maid Moneypenny: Wah... sniff...
Sir James: Sir Miles, what ist wrong with Maid Moneypenny?
Sir Miles: I shalt explain later, Naught Naught Seven.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. My services I do offer thee.
Sir James: In this department I shall not need thine services, Old Wizard.
(Sir James and his new wife drive off in their carriage.)
Lady Bond: Thou hast avoided running down that man in green shoes, Sir James.
Sir James: Later, perhaps- all the time in the world doth we have.
Lady Bond: Take these flowers from our carriage, Sir James.
Sir James: But of course.
(A carriage rushes by, driven by ye Comte de Blofeld. Fraulein Irma takes aim, and Lady Bond ist slain.)
Sir James: That was ye Comte... (Realises.) All ye time in ye world we doth have....
(Exeunt Omnes.)
Sir James: Good Lord, why art there so many islands, river and mountains??? Time ist short, I willst just draw ye fjord or town ye maiden lives in, and find ye correct one later. How hard can it be? an'st
I be'ith not happy with mine shading or use of perspective. As it always be a matter of perspective. I doth not feel I've captured the full natural beauty of these lands.
( Ye Comte finally dives through a small window into ye snow outside as ye castle blows up. Sir James follows.)
Sir James: Aw, thou art so cute! Didst thee bring any brandy?
(Ye dog begins to hump Sir James’s leg.)
Sir James: Ah... ok.... enough now... down, boy... At least buy me a Brandy first !
Toastmaster: Milord, ladies and gentlemen, agents of discretion, assorted varlets, men in green shoes: the toast is The Bride And Groom, Sir James and Lady Bond!
(All cheer.)
Sir Miles: Mine heartiest congratulations, Sir James. I hope you enjoyed my speech.
Sir James: Aye, I thank’ee, sire. Your remark that as we both met Gambling with cards, that we were
"Well suited" for each other was worthy of the great Sir James of Tarbuck.
Sir Miles : T'was all in jest.
Sir James : as was your witticism, that it be a day full of Emotions, that even the cake was in tiers !
Sir Miles : ( Laughs ) Aye, as was mine " I'm here till thursday, try the veal "
( Prince Draco enters )
Prince Draco: Sir James, here, take this...
Sir James: Nay, father-in-law, her price ist far higher than rubies.
Prince Draco: Ruby? Ye maiden from Pizza Gloria? Do not tell me that thou didst..
Sir James: (Apace.) Nay, nay, thou hast misunderstood.
Maid Moneypenny: Wah... sniff...
Old Wizard : ( gifting a Handkerchief ) Do not cry ..
Maid Moneypenny : I'm sorry I can'st help myself.
Old Wizard : Did thy hold a torch for Sir James.
Maid Moneypenny : Nay, I'm holding the bridal bouquet and it's playing hell with my Hay fever.
Sir James: Sir Miles, what ist wrong with Maid Moneypenny?
Sir Miles: I shalt explain later, Naught Naught Seven.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. My services I do offer thee.
Sir James: In this department I shall not need thine services, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard : Quickly, observe what be in my Case ....
Sir James : ( Glancing down ) ... UM ?... Very well, I'll tak'ith the hand shackles and the British version of the Kama Sutra.
Old Wizard : New and revised it now hath Two positions !
Sir James : TWO !!!!! How could .......
Old Wizard : Apace Sir James, your Bride is eager to get off, ..... sorry to get away.
(Sir James and his new wife drive off in their carriage.)
Lady Bond: Thou hast avoided running down that man in green shoes, Sir James.
Sir James: Later, perhaps- all the time in the world doth we have.
Lady Bond: Take these flowers from our carriage, Sir James.
Sir James: But of course.
(A carriage rushes by, driven by ye Comte de Blofeld. Fraulein Irma takes aim, and Lady Bond ist slain.)
Sir James: That was ye Comte... (Realises.) All ye time in ye world we doth have....
Someone should comment during the wedding that Bond must really be in love this time, because he has only deflowered half of the bridesmaids.
Edit: All of the above now included! Unless anyone has some last-minute alterations or ideas, that's this one concluded and I think it's our best yet! {[] {[] {[]
Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.
Sir Miles: What knowest thee of gemstones, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Most precious they are, my liege, valued by the fairer sex, ‘tis all I know.
Sir Miles: On this matter I find agreeable thine lack of expertise. I prithee, pay heed to Sir Donald.
Sir Donald: From our mines the gems are taken
By stealth, if I be not mistaken
The constables sleep and are not awakened
Have a sherry, ‘tis stirred and was not shaken
Sir Miles: 'Tis not for me, mine apothecary hast advised against this.
Sir James: A pity, sire, for 'tis most agreeable.
Sir Miles: To find these gemstones ist thine charge, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Then to Africa I must go forthwith!
Sir Miles: Thou art going to ye Netherlands, in the stead of one Yeoman Franks.
Moneypenny: I prithee, Sir James, save one gemstone for me, in a ring for mine finger.
Sir James: Naught but one flower shall I bring thee, Moneypenny.
Sir Miles: What knowest thee of gemstones, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James : With Maidens, flowers sayith sorry but a gemstone saith that I be
REALLY,REALLY SORRY !!
Sir Miles :aye.
Sir James: Most precious they are, my liege, valued by the fairer sex, ‘tis all I know.
Sir Miles: On this matter I find agreeable thine lack of expertise. I prithee, pay heed to Sir Donald Duck !
( Sir Donald, doth squat down )
Sir Miles : Pardon, good sir, I did see a bee near thine head
Sir Donald Thank yee. ( rising to walk forward )
Sir Miles : Sir, Donald where's your trousers ?
Sir Donald : Pardon, I be forgetful at times, They say it be stress related. The relation in question causing the stress is my wife.( he doth raise his hoes, but a small sound is heard from his rear )
Sir James : Be that a sir Donald Trump ?
Sir Miles : Pipe down naught, naught, seven!
Sir Donald : Look you well here Sir James ( he takes sir james to some display cabinets )
Sir Donald : 14 carrots, ( points to a second box ) 15 carrots
Sir James : and in this box ?
Sir Donald : They be Parsnips, My wife Lady Muffy thought gardening would'st help with my stress.
( Sir James nods )
Sir Donald: From our mines the gems are taken
By stealth, if I be not mistaken
The constables sleep and are not awakened
Have a sherry, ‘tis stirred and was not shaken
Sir Miles: 'Tis not for me, mine apothecary hast advised against this.
Sir James: A pity, sire, for 'tis most agreeable.
Sir Miles: To find these gemstones ist thine charge, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Then to Africa I must go forthwith! and pack my Safari Suit !
Sir Miles: Thou art going to ye Netherlands, in the stead of one Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: Very well sir, ...... can I still take my Safari Suit ?
Moneypenny: I prithee, Sir James, save one gemstone for me, in a ring for mine finger.
Sir James: Naught but one flower shall I bring thee, Moneypenny.
One change- could Lady Muffy be Lady Daisy, perhaps?
I skipped the bit with the dentist, the scorpion, and Kidd & Wint but feel free to include it before the next bit, below:
(In a schoolhouse, far away, a class ist being taught.)
Mrs Whistler: Today, children, ye shalt know what “C” stands for. It stands for-
(Enter Joshua.)
Joshua: Two men await thee, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Gentlemen, I be sure, Joshua.
Joshua: Indeed. Wouldst thou like me to tell about ye political situation in-
Mrs Whistler: Perhaps later.
(She doth enter an office, where Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint await.)
Yeoman Kidd: Greetings, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Most pleasant it is to see thee, gentlemen, and where shalt I be travelling to?
Yeoman Wint: To ye Netherlands. (He hands her a small purse.)
Mrs Whistler: Excellent, I thank’ee.
" Don't turn around " as this was a hit
For Aswad which he was a founder member .
Joshua: Indeed. Wouldst thou like me to tell everyone about ye political situation in-
Mrs Whistler: Perhaps later. And Joshua...?
Joshua: Yes, Mrs Whistler?
Mrs Whistler: Don't turn around.
Sir James: ‘Tis a most appealing little nothing thou art wearing- mine approval rating ist high.
Lady Tiffany: For the approval of ye yeomen I do not dress in finery.
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Franks, Peter Franks.
Lady Tiffany: Yeoman Franks, thine charge ist to carry gemstones across the sea, for great rewards.
Sir James: Aye, most certainly. Let us dine together forthwith- a small eating place nearby I have knowledge of...
Lady Tiffany: Ne’er shall I pleasure with business combine. How should I colour mine tresses to please thee?
Sir James: I care not, should the cowl match the corset. Art thou fond of ye gemstones, Lady Tiffany?
Lady Tiffany: They are all I need to please me- they can stimulate and tease me. Return here tonight and we shall discuss this matter further.
(Later, Sir James ist surprised to see ye real Yeoman Franks making his way to Lady Tiffany’s chambers.)
Sir James: Guten abend! Thou art English?
Yeoman Franks: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir James: I speak English- after who, sir.
(Sir James does battle with Yeoman Franks, slaying him just as Lady Tiffany appears, and slipping his own purse into Franks’ pocket.)
Lady Tiffany: (Examining ye purse.) In faith, thou hast slain he who is called Bond, James Bond!
Sir James: Verily! It doth show that nobody lives forever.
Lady Tiffany: Thou dost not slay Sir James Bond and tarry for the constables, Yeoman Franks, thou must make speed with carrying the gemstones.
Sir James: Then Sir James can our load carry henceforth.
Mrs Whistler: Today, children, ye shalt know what “C” stands for. It stands for-
Young Max : Careless, ( Whispers, .. to rest of the infants )
(Enter Joshua.)
Joshua: Two men await thee, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Gentlemen, I be sure, Joshua.
Joshua: Indeed. Wouldst thou like me to tell about ye political situation in-
Mrs Whistler: Perhaps later. And Joshua...?
Joshua: Yes, Mrs Whistler?
Mrs Whistler: Don't turn around.
(She doth enter an office, where Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint await.)
Yeoman Kidd: Greetings, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Most pleasant it is to see thee, gentlemen, and where shalt I be travelling to?
Yeoman Wint: To ye Netherlands. (He hands her a small purse.)
Mrs Whistler: Excellent, I thank’ee. I must make some etchings of the canals for the children.
Act 3, Scene 1. A port. Sir James alights from a vessel, knowing that Lady Tiffany ist following but unaware that Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint follow also. A coffin ist unloaded and Sir James follows for its inspection.
Lord Felix: I welcome thee across the sea, Sir James, or Yeoman Franks should I say.
Sir James: Most pleased I am to see thee, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: I prithee, wherefore shall I find the gemstones?
Sir James: ‘Tis alimentary, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: A carriage hast been sent for thee, driven by wastrels.
1st Naughty Man: In front shalt thou be seated, Yeoman Franks.
2nd Naughty Man: 'Tis of far greater comfort in front, Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: Verily, in front shall I sit.
(Sir James enters ye carriage as ye coffin ist loaded in.)
2nd Naughty Man: Hast thee a brother, Yeoman Franks? A brother have I.
Sir James: Well, ye globe ist small...
1st Naughty Man: Watch out for yon man with green trai... (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Sir James: No matter.
Sir James: ‘Tis a most appealing little nothing thou art wearing- mine approval rating ist high.
Lady Tiffany: For the approval of ye yeomen I do not dress in finery.
Sir James, Thine fashion of wearing Black is most comley.
Lady Tiffany : Aye, My fashion sense is't second to Nun ! In Fact I hath only two complaints....
..... "nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
Sir James : I know not of thee fashion industry, other than they be'ist "clothes minded", but thine
dress would'st look better on ........ the Floor ?
Lady Tiffany : Let us get to Business.
Sir James: I had hopes we would give each other the business...
Lady Tiffany : Nay, The Smuggling business ! You Sir do not believe in Lady's Rights
Sir James : Nay. I even Let my House keep May, work twice as many hours so she can earn the same as the male servants.
Ladt Tiffany : Why, thee be almost a Feminist !
( Sir James, doth raise an eyebrow )
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Franks, Peter Franks.
Lady Tiffany: Yeoman Franks, thine charge ist to carry gemstones across the sea, for great rewards.
Sir James: Aye, most certainly. Let us dine together forthwith- a small eating place nearby I have knowledge of...
Lady Tiffany: Ne’er shall I pleasure with business combine. How should I colour mine tresses to please thee?
Sir James: I care not, should the cowl match the corset. Art thou fond of ye gemstones, Lady Tiffany?
Lady Tiffany: They are all I need to please me- they can stimulate and tease me. Return here tonight and we shall discuss this matter further.
(Later, Sir James ist surprised to see ye real Yeoman Franks making his way to Lady Tiffany’s chambers.)
Sir James: Guten abend! Thou art English?
Yeoman Franks: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir James: I speak English- after who, sir.
(Sir James does battle with Yeoman Franks, slaying him just as Lady Tiffany appears, and slipping his own purse into Franks’ pocket.)
Lady Tiffany: (Examining ye purse.) In faith, thou hast slain he who is called Bond, James Bond! ....
... I did'st not know he was a member of The Naughty Maidens club.
Sir James: Verily! It doth show that nobody lives forever........ I hear that club is full of Intellectuals
with monthly Talks on Carriages and crop rotations.
Lady Tiffany: Thou dost not slay Sir James Bond and tarry for the constables, Yeoman Franks, thou must make speed with carrying the gemstones.
Sir James: Then Sir James can our load carry henceforth.
...it stays approved.
Lord Felix: I welcome thee across the sea, Sir James, or Yeoman Franks should I say.
Sir James: Aye, I must be Franks with you. Most pleased I am to see thee, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix : Welcome to thee Colonies.
Lord Felix: I prithee, wherefore shall I find the gemstones?
Sir James: ‘Tis alimentary, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix : Alimentary, My Ass ! Sir James ( Laughing he nods across the dock )
Lord Felix: A carriage hast been sent for thee, driven by wastrels.
1st Naughty Man: In front shalt thou be seated, Yeoman Franks.
2nd Naughty Man: 'Tis of far greater comfort in front, Yeoman Franks.
3rd Naughty Man : Aye, Tis of more comfort in the front.
Lord Felix : (Shouting ) The front looks to be of comfort Yeoman Franks
Sir James: Verily, in front shall I sit.
(Sir James enters ye carriage as ye coffin ist loaded in clumsily at first .)
1st Naughty Man : Hey, Take'ith Car with Yeoman Franks Stiff one..... Er sorry Yeoman Franks !
2nd Naughty Man: Hast thee a brother, Yeoman Franks? A brother have I.
Sir James: Well, ye globe ist small...
1st Naughty Man: Watch out for yon man with green trai... (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Sir James: No matter. Hath thee much experience handling stiffs ?
2nd : Naughty Man : Of Corpse we hath, especially at thee Crematorium. To see who be'ith
the quickest.
Sir James : Who won.
1st Naughty man : The Crematorium ?, ....... T'was a Dead Heat !
Yeoman Slumber: I be Yeoman Morton Slumber. I bid thee greetings, Yeoman Franks, and I thank’ee for selecting mine establishment for thine brother’s resting place.
Sir James: To a better place he ist headed, Yeoman Slumber.
Yeoman Slumber: Mine services art available for any other brothers thou may’est have.
Sir James: Nay, no other brothers, foster brothers, stepbrothers, foster brothers, half-brothers, or foster brothers have I. Most assuredly not, especially ye foster brother bit.
Yeoman Slumber: Congratulations on purchasing the Executive Version of our caskets. Thou hast chosen wisely, and we value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality. Everything in this coffin hast been designed to meet the exacting standards which thou hast naturally come to expect. The casket itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl. You can relax and enjoy this quality product, secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created for the lover of fine things and ye man of good taste. (Farts.) Oh, sorry.
Sir James: ...er, aye.
Yeoman Slumber: And now, if thou art ready...?
(Yeoman Slumber pulls a lever, and ye coffin enters a hidden chamber. Faintly ye sounds of fierce flames can be heard.)
Sir James: (Aside.) Farewell, Yeoman Franks.
Yeoman Slumber: Ye ashes shalt be presented to thee outside, in our most peaceful fountains garden.
Sir James: But of course.
(Sir James goes to ye gardens, and finds ye correct urn from which he removes a packet containing gold coins. Suddenly he ist struck from behind by Yeoman Wint and Yeoman Kidd, who drag him into a coffin and pull ye lever which sends it into a fiery furnace.)
Yeoman Kidd: Dance into ye fire, Yeoman Wint.
Yeoman Wint: A fatal kiss, Yeoman Kidd.
(They depart, hand in hand. Sir James lies unconscious within ye coffin which hast been sent into ye flames.)
Sir James: ...oh, yes, Felix, ‘tis most wonderful... most lovely and warm... hot... too hot!!! (Awakens.) What? Oh nay, oh shi-
(Ye casket ist opened and a red-haired hunchback doth glare inside.)
Shady Tree: (For it ist he.) Thou stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder, those thrice-cursed gemstones are false!
Sir James: Scruffy looking????
Shady Tree: Naught but mocks they are!
Sir James: And where art ye real gold coins?
Shady Tree: What dost thou mean?
Sir James: Thou would not consign to a fire real gold coins. Thou shalt get me ye real gold, and I shalt get ye real gemstones.
Yeoman Slumber: I be Yeoman Morton Slumber. I bid thee greetings, Yeoman Franks, and I thank’ee for selecting mine establishment for thine brother’s resting place.
Sir James: To a better place he ist headed, Yeoman Slumber.
Yeoman Slumber: Mine services art available for any other brothers thou may’est have.
Sir James: Nay, no other brothers, foster brothers, stepbrothers, foster brothers, half-brothers, or foster brothers have I. Most assuredly not, especially ye foster brother bit.
Yeoman Slumber: Congratulations on purchasing the Executive Version of our caskets. Thou hast chosen wisely, and we value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality. Everything in this coffin hast been designed to meet the exacting standards which thou hast naturally come to expect. The casket itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl. You can relax and enjoy this quality product, secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created for the lover of fine things and ye man of good taste. (Farts.) Oh, sorry.
Sir James: ...er, aye.
Yeoman Slumber:I'm so happy you chose our half-couch, hinged-panel, slumber-on casket.
I'm sure your brother would'st have appreciated it. ( He begings to foam at the mouth with excitement )
Sir James : Please Yeoman Slumber, Thee is't having a Coffin Fit !
Yeoman Slumber: Pardon and now, if thou art ready...?
(Yeoman Slumber pulls a lever, and ye coffin enters a hidden chamber. Faintly ye sounds of fierce flames can be heard.)
Sir James: (Aside.) Farewell, Yeoman Franks.
Yeoman Slumber: Ye ashes shalt be presented to thee outside, in our most peaceful fountains garden.
Sir James: But of course. The Garden sounds lovely, when I go I hope I be buried in a Bush.
(Sir James goes to ye gardens, and finds ye correct urn from which he removes a packet containing gold coins. Suddenly he ist struck from behind by Yeoman Wint and Yeoman Kidd, who drag him into a coffin and pull ye lever which sends it into a fiery furnace.)
Yeoman Kidd: Dance into ye fire, Yeoman Wint.
Yeoman Wint: A fatal kiss, Yeoman Kidd.
Yeoman Kidd: An old flame
Yeoman Wint: A blaze of glory.
Yeoman Kidd: If you can't stand'th the heat
Yeoman Wint: ..... I think'ith That be enough, let us make our leave.
(They depart, hand in hand. Sir James lies unconscious within ye coffin which hast been sent into ye flames.)
Sir James: ...oh, yes, Felix, ‘tis most wonderful... most lovely and warm... hot... too hot!!! (Awakens.) What? Oh nay, oh shi-
(Ye casket ist opened and a red-haired hunchback doth glare inside.)
Shady Tree: (For it ist he.) Thou stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder, those thrice-cursed gemstones are false!
Sir James: Scruffy looking????
Shady Tree: Naught but mocks they are!
Sir James: And where art ye real gold coins?
Shady Tree: What dost thou mean?
Sir James: Thou would not consign to a fire real gold coins. Thou shalt get me ye real gold, and I shalt get ye real gemstones.
Act 4, Scene 1. A gaming house. A band play "Good Morning Vegas Town".
(Sir James watches with interest as Shady Tree amuses an audience.)
Shady Tree: ...he hast only been there twice- ye first time he was sick, and ye second time his hat blew off!
(Possibly another joke or two from Shady)
(Ye audience laughs. Sir James moves on to ye gaming tables.)
Sir James: I prithee, may I have credit for ten thousand of thine dollars?
Croupier: Yeoman Saxby...?
(Enter Yeoman Saxby. Sir James displays his gold coins in a purse labelled “Slumber”.)
Yeoman Saxby: Aye, ‘tis good.
(Sir James begins to gamble and ist accosted by a most beauteous and fulsome wench.)
Mistress Plenty: With thine sport I proffer mine assistance.
Sir James: Most grateful I am, Mistress...?
Mistress Plenty: Plenty am I.
Sir James: Most verily, ‘tis true.
Mistress Plenty: Plenty O’Toole.
Sir James: For thine father thou be named, I am sure. Thou art ye most beauteous wench I have ever seen.
Mistress Plenty: Verily?
Sir James: Nay, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.
Mistress Plenty: Then let us retire to thine chambers, thou smooth talker.
Sir James: To be sure, after I have made some bets...
(This could be when Kidd & Wint go visit Shady backstage)
(Later, in a boarding house.)
Mistress Plenty: Thine chambers be most beauteous, Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: I bid thee welcome.
(They embrace. Enter ye three Naughty Men.)
Sir James: With more than mine hands up hast thou found me.
(Two of ye varlets seize Mistress Plenty and take her to ye window.)
Mistress Plenty: Cease forthwith! Thou canst not do this to me! I do have friends in this-
(She ist thrown out of ye window.)
Mistress Plenty: T
O
W
N!!!!!
Sir James: (Looking out ye window.) ‘Tis most fortunate her fall was broken by yon man wearing green trainers!
1st Naughty Man: I didn't know there was a fool down there.
Sir James: Now, I do assume thou hast come for ye...
(The three varlets exit.)
Sir James: ?:) .... gemstones?
Lady Tiffany: (From ye bedroom.) Oh, Yeoman Franks...?
Sir James: Ah, now I do see.
(Sir James enters ye bedroom to find Lady Tiffany atop his bed.)
Lady Tiffany: Good evening, Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: It may turn out that way after all.
Lady Tiffany: Mayhap, but first we shouldst talk.
(Sir James begins to remove his clothes.)
Sir James: Of gemstones, perhaps?
Lady Tiffany: 'Tis correct... keep going...
(Sir James ist completely disrobed.)
Sir James: Thou wishest to know where ye real gemstones are?
Lady Tiffany: Most impressed I am, Peter Franks, to thee there ist a lot more than I did expect.
Sir James: Touch it, stroke it and undress it....
(After a discreet interval...)
Lady Tiffany: ...so, Peter, where shalt I get ye gemstones?
Sir James: Where else, but from a circus?
In all immodesty, I'm really pleased with the "fool/pool" pun! ;%
Lord Felix: A circus? I prithee, Sir James, of all places why a circus?
Sir James: It did seem like a good idea at ye time.
Lord Felix: And what were thou doing at ye time?
Sir James: ...er...
Lord Felix: Oh, I see. Ye next time, thou should be standing up when picking a place.
Sir James: Art thine men ready?
Lord Felix: Many of them, over a hundred. A mouse in green sneakers couldn't get through! Ah, here comes ye lady now.
(Lady Tiffany enters ye circus.)