A port in Stockholm. Sir James alights from his ship and ist met by a carriage. From inside a voice hails him.
MeOne: Greetings, Sir James, what took thee so long?
Sir James: ‘Twas a pleasant sail, and I always take my time when taking pleasure.
MeOne: We shalt discuss that later, methinks. Join me, I prithee. (Sir James enters ye carriage.)
MeOne: Driver, ye Nobel Hotel. And watch out for yon man with green trainers!
Driver: I have missed him, milady.
Sir James: Aye, many do. So, MeOne how didst thou know I would be here?
MeOne: I was told by a trusted and authoritative source.
Sir James: Ye Daily Mail?
MeOne: Nay, I said a trusted and authoritative source. But we have arrived- let us continue this conversation in ye bar of ye hotel, where I have someone I should like ye to meet... (After Sir James checks in, he and MeOne go to ye hotel bar. A band plays “Good Morning Stockholm Town”.)
MeOne: Over here, Sir James. (She leads Sir James to a booth where a furtive figure sits, thumbing through parchments of ye sights of Norway.)
Sir James: And who might this be?
MeOne: ‘Tis mine contact here. Mayhap I should say mine latest contact, for there have been three-and-twenty others. This is he who ist called Bond, James Bond. (On ye stage, an argument hast broken out between ye band and three women dressed in silver. It ist resolved when one of ye women, a blonde, hits ye band's bass player over ye head with a sign saying "Donna & Ye Dynamos".)
Number 24: And thou may simply know me as Number 24. MeOne hast told me that thou do seek ye recently purloined Crown Jewels.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so, but I also do seek for strong reasons of mine own ye Comte de Blofeld.
Number 24: Hmm, ye Comte. I am told ‘twas he who did take ye Jewels. Mine sources hear that he may be found at- (An arrow doth pierce ye contact before he can utter one more syllable. Sir James spies a man running from ye bar.)
Sir James: MeOne, apace! (Sir James and MeOne pursue ye assassin. Meanwhile on ye stage, ye women dressed in silver hath begun to sing. Sir James and MeOne burst into ye street.)
MeOne: This way!
Obviously a chase scene next, which I'm not very good at. Help!
This is only an idea, so please feel free to reject/change/expand any of it.
( The assassin quickly jumps on the back of an old female norse flower seller, who he moves away aapce on her back !)
MeOne : Look sir James, he hath commandeered an old woman ih shawl and headscarf for a piggy back !
Sir James : What ?
MeOne : Old Norse women are known for their speed and agility ...... and wolf killing skills
Sir James ; Then two'ith can playist at that game of sport
( Sir James quickly grabs an old woman offering a purse of monies ... )
Sir James : Old crone some Krona ? for the use of thine body ?
Old Crone : Oh so much, ... would that be one at a time or Both together ? .... I hath whips and ....
Sir James : Nay I need a piggy Back ...... apace !!
( Sir James quickly jumps on the old crone's back and gives chase )
Old Crone : who we all chasing boy ?
Sir James : An assassin, quick he hath turned left up that stone stair case ...
Old Crone : I know these streets like'ith the back of my hand, I know a short cut but my third liver spot. We'll
head him off at the precipice.
( After much twisting and turning , they find themselves behind the assassin on the rooftops ..... )
Old Crone : Oh this be grand ...
Sir James : ... Bizarre, if thine asks me......... He's really whipping that old lady hard to get such speed.
Old Crone : True, and that usually costs extra ...
Sir James : Be silent old Crone.
( They smash through a window, to see the assassin's old crone fall into a stall of oranges ... and he jumps onto a
passing carriage )
Sir James : Hold on, old Crone, I'm going to get elevated !
Old Crone : and here's me thinking it was a short dagger in your pocket
( Sir James grabs a church bell rope and swings Both him and Crone up and over a small bridge to land on the assassin's
carriage, sadly the old crone crashes in to the side of the carriage and falls on to the street )
Old Crone : What are thee doing now ?
Sir James : Just changing carriages mam .
Obviously an homage to Skyfall, but I don't know if we want the assassin to escape or not ?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
A port in Stockholm. Sir James alights from his ship and ist met by a carriage. From inside a voice hails him.
MeOne: Greetings, Sir James, what took thee so long?
Sir James: ‘Twas a pleasant sail, and I always take my time when taking pleasure.
MeOne: We shalt discuss that later, methinks. Join me, I prithee. (Sir James enters ye carriage.)
MeOne: Driver, ye Nobel Hotel. And watch out for yon man with green trainers!
Driver: I have missed him, milady.
Sir James: Aye, many do. So, MeOne how didst thou know I would be here?
MeOne: I was told by a trusted and authoritative source.
Sir James: Ye Daily Mail?
MeOne: Nay, I said a trusted and authoritative source. But we have arrived- let us continue this conversation in ye bar of ye hotel, where I have someone I should like ye to meet... (After Sir James checks in, he and MeOne go to ye hotel bar. A band plays “Good Morning Stockholm Town”.)
MeOne: Over here, Sir James. (She leads Sir James to a booth where a furtive figure sits, thumbing through parchments of ye sights of Norway.)
Sir James: And who might this be?
MeOne: ‘Tis mine contact here. Mayhap I should say mine latest contact, for there have been three-and-twenty others. This is he who ist called Bond, James Bond.
Number 24: And thou may simply know me as Number 24. MeOne hast told me that thou do seek ye recently purloined Crown Jewels.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so, but I also do seek for strong reasons of mine own ye Comte de Blofeld.
Number 24: Hmm, ye Comte. I am told ‘twas he who did take ye Jewels. Mine sources hear that he may be found at- (An arrow doth pierce ye contact before he can utter one more syllable. Sir James spies a man running from ye bar.)
Sir James: MeOne, apace! (Sir James and MeOne pursue ye assassin. Meanwhile on ye stage, three women dressed in silver hath begun to sing. Sir James and MeOne burst into ye street.)
MeOne: This way!
(Ye assassin quickly jumps on the back of an old female Norse flower seller, whom he moves away!)
MeOne: Look, Sir James, he hath commandeered an old woman with shawl and headscarf for a piggyback!
Sir James: What?
MeOne: Old Norse women are known for their speed and agility ...... and wolf killing skills.
Sir James: Then two can play’eth at that game of sport. (Sir James quickly grabs an old woman, offering her a purse of monies...)
Sir James: Old crone- some Krona for the use of thine body?
Old Crone: Oh so much... would that be one at a time or both together? I hath whips and....
Sir James: Nay,I need a piggyback...... apace!! (Sir James quickly jumps on the old crone's back and gives chase.)
Old Crone: Who we all chasing, boy?
Sir James: An assassin, quick he hath turned left up that stone staircase ...
Old Crone: I know these streets like'eth ye back of my hand- I know a short cut by my third liver spot. We'll head him off at the precipice. (After much twisting and turning , they find themselves behind the assassin on the rooftops....)
Old Crone: Oh this be grand...
Sir James: (Aside.) Bizarre, if thou asks me... (Aloud.) He's really whipping that old lady hard to get such speed.
Old Crone: True, and that usually costs extra.
Sir James: Be silent, old crone. (They smash through a window, to see the assassin's old crone fall into a stall of oranges as he jumps onto a passing carriage.)
Sir James: Hold on, old crone, I'm going to get elevated!
Old Crone: ...and here's me thinking ‘twas a short dagger in thine pocket. (Sir James grabs a church bell rope and swings both him and ye crone up and over a small bridge to land on the assassin's carriage. Sadly ye old crone crashes in to ye side of the carriage and falls on to ye street.)
Old Crone: What are thee doing now?
Sir James: Just changing carriages, ma’am. (Sir James and ye assassin struggle on top of ye carriage. MeOne pulls out a crossbow and tries to aim at ye assassin but refrains, afraid of hitting Sir James.)
Sir James: Take ye bloody shot! (MeOne close her eyes and lets ye arrow fly. Ye assassin ist pierced through ye shoulder and falls to the street. Sir James leaps down beside him as MeOne approaches.)
MeOne: Assassin down.
Sir James: That was a better result than ye last time this happened.
Assassin: Thou shalt never make me talk, Sir James!
Sir James: Mayhap aye, mayhap nay- but thou shouldst know that ye longer it takes ye more painful we’ll make it.
Assassin: Oh, in that case thou shalt find ye Comte de Blofeld and ye Crown Jewels in ye penthouse suite of ye Centre Point tower.
Sir James: But that ist in Dubrovnik! ...er... or London!
MeOne: Nay, they art everywhere these days- there ist one not far from here.
Sir James: Then let us go- apace!
Above Centre Point tower. In Stockholm. Not Dubrovnik, and most definitely not London. Sir James and MeOne From a hot-air balloon, Sir James and MeOne descend on ropes and enter ye building. Apace, they make their way down a corridor.
Sir James: Hmm, this doth seem most familiar.
MeOne: By this time, everything must seem most familiar to thee!
Sir James: Fair point. ‘Tis most quiet here, too quiet.
MeOne: I’ve got a bad feeling about this....
Sir James: Say that not! Wrong franch- (Ye floor doth swing under their feet, sending them down into an oubliette where they hit ye floor hard and art knocked out.)
A villain’s lair. Sir James lies bound and unconscious.
Sir James: ....mmm.... ‘tis unbelievable.... more, I prithee, Felix.... (Awakes.) Um! Ye Comte de Blofeld!
Comte: I bid thee greetings, Sir James.... mine brother.
Sir James: Say that not- and where ist MeOne?
Comte: Ah yes, ye beautiful MeOne. 'Tis good that thou art concerned for her.
Now, in what terrible situation has the Comte put MeOne? What is he going to do to Sir James, and how can Naught Naught Seven escape? These aren't rhetorical questions, I really don't know!!!!
Sir James: And ye Crown Jewels of Sweden?
Comte: An excellent question, and one which shalt be on ye lips of ye world soon- behold! (Ye Comte indicates a large needlepoint- not a tapestry, for which such are easily confused- upon ye wall, displaying a map of Europe. Crowns are placed over ye capital cities, all in gold save that over Stockholm which ist black.)
Comte: Ye Swedish Jewels art but ye first. Soon, working from ye Centre Point towers in all ye major cities, I shalt possess all ye Crown Jewels of Europe. There shalt be no alternative but to declare me Emperor!
Sir James: World domination. Same old dream.
Comte: No dream, Naught Naught Seven, soon a reality. Now, thou wert asking about ye most attractive MeOne? Guards! (Two guards pull Sir James to his feet, cutting ye ropes on his ankles so he can walk but leaving his wrists tied. They follow ye Comte through a door.)
For Bond's easily escaped Death and MeOne's torture ......
Comte: As you se Sir James, MeOne has been placed in this over sized hour glass, and strapped in securely
Sir James : T'isn't an hour glass filled with sand ?
Comte : These are modern times Sir James as Gin is all the rage, tis Gin in the glass ! ..... as the gin falls
from above she will be drowned in it ! at the same time the falling Gin will lower the minute hand to which you are tied
On my copy of one of the faces of Big ben....... Lowering you in to this pit of ex-alcoholic, cut throats and villains. All
armed with knives and swords.
Sir James : Why ex-alcoholics, might I ask ?
Comte : It a community service thing I got roped in to, to improve my standing in society, But I shall not leave you
unarmed Sir James, I will give you a sporting chance.
( The Comte contemptuously places a nail file in to Sir James Mouth )
Comte : Ha! Ha! Silence at last, Come men we will depart......
( The comte exits with his yeomen. as he gin begins to flow and the minute hand begins its decent ....... )
( Sir James swings his legs up to hook them on the minute hand and begins to cut at his bindings with the nail file ....
it seems to take forever but Sir James is thankful for those nights in the boys boarding school doing favours for the
older boys that had given him such a strong gag reflex, breath control and strong neck muscles ........ teaching
bobbing for apples to the school Halloween sports team. Soon his binding was cut and he leaped on to the floor )
MeOne : ( Shouting ) Good timing Sir James
Sir James : Aye, tis what our continental cousins call the rhythm method ! Now close your eyes as I shatter the glass.
( Sir James uses the nail file like a punch and shatters the gin filled hour glass, sending a stream of gin over his head and
in to the pit of cut throats .... he quickly unstraps MeOne and the Both head for the door..... Sit James stops by a barrel
of honey )
Sir James : Gin by itself is so uncivilised here, I'll pour this honey in the pit too, It's the "Bees Knees "
( They leave to the sound of much merriment and singing from the pit .... )
As many know a certain J Barry had a little tune called the bee's knees and it is a cocktail of gin and honey. With
the hour glass and Bond hanging on to a clock's minute hand from the titles of OHMSS
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 5, Scene 4.Ye Tower Of London at night. In an innermost chamber, Captain Blood and two varlets creep silently.
Ist Varlet: Brrr! ‘Tis most scary here!
Captain Blood: Hush, fool, lest ye wake ye beefeaters!
1st Varlet: Thine pardon, Captain, for these waxworks do frighten me.
2nd Varlet: Aye, most lifelike they are.
Captain Blood: Naught but children art thee- these art mere figurines of ye Queen’s most noble defenders: Sir Francis Drake, Sir Roger Moore, Sir Walter Raleigh and so on.
2nd Varlet: That one looks like Sir James Bond! No, ye other one.
Captain Blood: Dost thou not know that ye Comte did slay Sir James in Stockholm? Now, come! (They move towards a display case housing ye Crown Jewels. Captain Blood uses a gemstone to slice through ye glass and carefully removes ye valuables, placing them into a sack held by ye varlets as ye Comte de Blofeld enters.)
Comte: Hast ye done the deed?
Captain Blood: Aye, they art here.
Comte: Most excellent, I shalt place them here with ye Crown Jewels of Sweden- now, let us depart.
Sir James: I think it not, Comte. (Ye villains turn in alarm as ye waxwork figure of Sir James Bond comes alive and approaches them, sword in hand.)
1st Varlet: See- I told thee!
Captain Blood: Get him! (Ye two varlets rush at Sir James, who easily dispatches them before turning to Captain Blood.)
Sir James: ‘Tis thine turn- traitor! (As Sir James and Captain Blood do battle, ye Comte rushes to escape, leaving ye sack of jewels behind in his haste. Sir James slays ye Captain as MeOne enters, accompanied by William of Tanner.)
Tanner: Thou hast done it again, Sir James, ye Crown Jewels art safe and thou hast slain ye traitor.
Sir James: Aye, but once again ye Comte de Blofeld hast escaped me.
MeOne: ‘Tis certain thou shalt meet him again.
Tanner: Come, let us replace ye Jewels. (They replace ye Crown Jewels, and Sir James ist left with ye two great Swedish bezants.)
Sir James: Ye Comte may have got away, but at least I now have a title for this adventure...
I've been asked in this context to point out the difference between parody and pastiche. Well, parodies take the form of an existing work and by exaggeration aim for humour. While pastiche are what Sean Connery eatsh when he'sh in Cornwall.
I awoke this morning, with a urge to ruminate. Which hasn't happened since I was a teenage boy.
My thoughts turned to parallel worlds and possibilities , perhaps a Younger Ian Fleming first
trying out his characters as a children's story. " James Bond school days !"
Foxhall Cross Boys school for future young discreet agents of the realm.
Headmaster, M ( male ) ,...….. school nurse, Moneypenny, …… Head boy, …… young Sir James Bond
with friends, Young Bill Tanner and the student from the colonies , young Lord Felix leiter. School
nerd, A young wizard (Q), With Head school Bully, a young Comte Ernst Blofeld, and his gang
of school bad boys, …… young Lord Largo, Apothecary Nay etc.
While across the lake the Girl's school …." Lady Dench, brain Quench for young ladies, of quality and
deportment "
Head Mistress, M ( Female) ….. Rosa Klebb as a hated school nurse, with many young ladies such as
archery enthusiast Melina Havelock, Judo fan , Pussy Galore and horse lover Jenny Flex.
Many adventure follow such as …….
A new boy arrives at school, and soon challenges young Sir James to a fight, as the new boy has only been
allowed to attend the school through a grant and is ginger ….. so, he's called Red Grant.
A blackmail letter arrives threating to remove all the school vowels, the school bell is to be rung 7 times at
6pm to show acceptance of the demands, or forever will the students have to write in welsh.
Comte Blofeld plans the biggest raid in history on the tuck shop , or so young Sir James thinks. Only to find
that Comte Blofeld plans to release the foulest of stink bombs, rendering the sweets useless, and his private
sweet sales will make a small fortune.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Exterior Foxhall Cross Boys school for future young discreet agents of the realm. As carriages arrive
depositing Boys at the school entrance ………
Headmaster M, " Quickly now Boys line up. ….. That's it …….. Usual procedure All boys with Parents
line up on the left,...……… You BOY !!! Bond WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING !!!!!"
Young Sir James : Sir ?
Headmaster M : My office now Boy, ….. I have some news !
( later in the headmasters office …….. )
Young Sir James : T'is truly horrible news Sir !, …… how could it happen ?
Headmaster M : simple Boy, not enough votes from pupils, that's another year I've lost Education
rear of the year ! …… to think of all the squats I did for nothing.
Young Sir James : You had some other news Sir ?
Headmaster M : Oh ? … oh yes, It seems both your parents are dead, a climbing accident I'm told
Young Sir James : Oh that's terrible sir ! Where did it happen
Headmaster M : Well, at the foot of the mountain boy, it's simple physics boy. Fall from a height and hit
the bottom. Now run along to your dorms.
Young Sir James : Thank'ee Sir, I shall leave at once, Might I be allowed a short time to grieve sir ?
Headmaster M : I know many of the boys think of me as a crusty old sea dog with no feelings, Nothing
could be further from the truth. Of course Young Bond please take five minutes before lights out, But
no Blubbing, we're not Italians or French.
Young Sir James : Might I be permitted the use of the Priest's Hole ?
Headmaster M : Nay, we've had to ask Father Handsy to leave for, ……. personal reasons.
Young Sir James: Thank ee again Sir, and you will let me know if there's any change in my parents condition.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 1, Scene 2. Ye great hall. Young Sir James hastens to join his peers, all standing in lines before ye Head of Intelligence, Admiral Godfrey.
Admiral: (Reading from list.) ...Barry, Lord John?
Boy holding trumpet: Here, sir!
Admiral: Blofeld, Ernst Stavro de?
Comte: That ist COMTE de Blofeld!
Admiral: But of course. Bond, Sir James?
Young Sir James: Present! (As ye Admiral drones on, ye boy next to Young Sir James begins to chat with him.)
Boy: So, thine name ist Bond?
Young Sir James: Aye, I am he he ist called Bond, James Bond.
Boy: And my name ist Felix, next Lord of Leiter- sent have I been from across ye sea to complete mine education here at Foxhall Cross.
Young Sir James: Most pleased am I to meet ye!
All I have time for just now. Could our boy meet a pupil called Tomkinson, who plans to open a pet shop one day specialising in Norwegian Blue Parrots?
(Ye Admiral comes to the end of his list.)
Admiral: And Zukovsky, Valentin.
Valentin: Here!
Admiral: Now, ye art all here to learn ye secret arts of discretion and thine first class shalt begin in one hour. Present yourselves at Room 001 at that time. Till then thou hast freedom to talk and wander ye school. (James and Felix wander off, joined by a third boy.)
James: And thou art...?
Boy: William of Tanner, but thou may know me as “Bill”.
Felix: Greetings to thee- I am Felix and this ist James.
Valentin could give us potential for a Hagrid joke?
Could do a joke about Pussy galore as head girl wanting to
Be carried from class to class in a carry chair or "Kitty litter"
..... " Valentin, hath there had a growth spurt ? "
( an old gypsy woman approaches selling lucky tarmac )
..... " Hag-rid yourself of thine lucky charms and be gone "
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
James: So, 'twould seem there are only boys at this school, no girls then?
Bill: Why, no, ye girls are across ye lake at the girl's school…"Lady Dench, brain Quench for young ladies, of quality and
deportment ".
James: And ist this far across ye lake?
Felix: Why doth thee ask, James?
James: Oh, just idle curiosity...
Bill: Ah, here we are at ye tuck shop- let us buy some sweetmeats! (They walk up to ye shop.)
Ernst: Hey, we were here first!
James: Nay, 'twas us.
Ernst: And who might you be?
James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. These are my friends, Felix and Bill. (Ernst is joined by a boy with an eyepatch and another who keep his hands hidden within ye sleeves of his Oriental robe.)
Ernst: And these art my friends, Emilio and Julius. Thou shalt let us precede thee to ye tuck shop, lest ye suffer greatly.
Felix: I see thou hast brought thine brain trust to greet us.
Ernst: Thou art brave, but on the whole stupid.
James: Well, we can't all be geniuses, can we? (They do battle, Julius attempting to hit blows with his metal hands, and Ernst and his friends are defeated. James and his friends walk up to ye tuck shop.)
Ernst: Eat thine sweetmeats quickly, Sir James.
James: I intend to, Comte de Blofeld. (James, Felix and Bill walk off eating their choices. They art approached by a strangely mature looking boy.)
Boy: Thee did stand up to ye school bully! Most impressed am I.
Bill: And what ist thine name?
Boy: I am Tomkinson, pleased to meet ye.
James: Thou art here to study ye arts of discretion, as we art?
Tomkinson: Oh, nay, 'tis my ambition to open a pet shop- I love all animals, especially parrots. Mine favourite ist ye Norwegian Blue- beautiful plumage! See, I have one here.
Felix: But 'tis dead!
Tomkinson: No, no, 'tis resting.
James: He's not resting- hello Mr Parrot!!! (No reaction from ye bird.) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Tomkinson: No, he ist stunned.
James: That ist merely a ripping yarn- come, Felix and Bill, 'tis time for our first class.
Act 1, Scene 3. Room 001. Ye pupils file in and take their seats, their teacher standing at his podium before them. He patiently waits until all have assembled.
Professor Higson: Greetings, all. I am Professor Higson and I shalt be thine instructor in ye art of sending coded messages, a most important part of thine future as agents of discretion. Now, there art hundreds of secret inks but who can tell me what ist ye oldest one in ye world? (Professor Higson looks expectantly around the room. Eventually, one boy raises his hand.)
Professor Higson: Yes, pray tell.
Boy: Thine own urine?
Professor Higson: Correct! Ye page willst show nothing but held in front of a flame, ye writing shalt come up brown. Well done! Now... (As ye Professor talks on, James whispers to ye boy.)
James: Most impressive! I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Who art thee?
Boy: Mine name ist Geoffrey Boothroyd.
James: Come, sit with me and mine friends.
Geoffrey: Thine attention I crave. Most attentive I shalt be to ye lore of secret writings, magical gadgets, enchanted carriages and so forth.
Felix: Most pleased I am to meet thee.
Geoffrey: No wish have I to be an agent of discretion- my passion ist in ye creating of those items which shalt aid an agent through his mission.
James: Thine passion? Surely thou dost jest!
Geoffrey: I ne’er jest about my quirk, Sir James.
I was thinking if a school sport ( like Quidish ) and thought of
Stealth Cricket, played all over the school. Although no one
Knows who is on each team. A bit like the training sequence
In movies. Where you must shoot the criminal but not the
Innocent civilians. As the Game is played all over the school
Inside and out, with players having no idea where the ball will
Come from.
The wickets being the smallest boys in school, and the idea is
To hit them with the ball, to render them unconscious or slightly
Dead. ?
With Red Grant could we end the fight with Bond throwing him
From the school carriage and in to the fish pond where he is
Dragged below by a giant carp , as in Jaws.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 1, Scene 4. Ye school refectory. The boys line up for food.
Felix: Interesting doublet, Sir James, where were you measured for this?
James: My tailor, Savile Row.
Felix: Is that so? Mine ist a guy in Washington.
Bill: Ah, ye menu. Let me see... I shalt have two faggots, then a spotted dick.
Felix: (Giggling.) For me, ye steak pie with lots of gravy.
Bill: Why art thee laughing, Felix?
James: I shalt explain later, Bill.
Felix: Hmm, I shalt never get used to this British food...
James: I shalt have ye scrambled eggs, with bacon. (They sit at a table and eat.)
Felix: What does thine father do, Bill?
Bill: He ist in ye army, a Lieutenant Colonel in ye Royal Engineers. I hope to do the same.
Felix: Mine father works in Washington, but his job ist most discreet. And you, James?
James: Alack, both mine parents died in a climbing accident. Mine aunt now looks after me.
Felix: Most sad.
Bill: What subject do we have after lunch?
James: ‘Tis sport, I believe. Mayhap we shalt play cricket?
Felix: ‘Tis my belief they do have an interesting version of yon game here: Stealth Cricket!
James: Stealth Cricket? What ist that?
Felix: Methinks we shalt find out most soon....
Next scene is the Stealth Cricket game, which Professor Horowitz introduces to the boys. He says sometimes it can be over quite quickly, while other times it takes.... forever and a day.
James, Felix and Bill are on one team, while Ernst and his crew are on the other. Ernst should try to cheat, naturally, but James wins in the end. Of course.
They are then told that the next day they are going across the lake to visit the girls school.
Ok, that's my ideas- fancy combining them with yours and writing this scene up?
(I'm talking to Thunderpussy here, but as ever we're open to others chipping in.)
Comments
MeOne: Greetings, Sir James, what took thee so long?
Sir James: ‘Twas a pleasant sail, and I always take my time when taking pleasure.
MeOne: We shalt discuss that later, methinks. Join me, I prithee.
(Sir James enters ye carriage.)
MeOne: Driver, ye Nobel Hotel. And watch out for yon man with green trainers!
Driver: I have missed him, milady.
Sir James: Aye, many do. So, MeOne how didst thou know I would be here?
MeOne: I was told by a trusted and authoritative source.
Sir James: Ye Daily Mail?
MeOne: Nay, I said a trusted and authoritative source. But we have arrived- let us continue this conversation in ye bar of ye hotel, where I have someone I should like ye to meet...
(After Sir James checks in, he and MeOne go to ye hotel bar. A band plays “Good Morning Stockholm Town”.)
MeOne: Over here, Sir James.
(She leads Sir James to a booth where a furtive figure sits, thumbing through parchments of ye sights of Norway.)
Sir James: And who might this be?
MeOne: ‘Tis mine contact here. Mayhap I should say mine latest contact, for there have been three-and-twenty others. This is he who ist called Bond, James Bond.
(On ye stage, an argument hast broken out between ye band and three women dressed in silver. It ist resolved when one of ye women, a blonde, hits ye band's bass player over ye head with a sign saying "Donna & Ye Dynamos".)
Number 24: And thou may simply know me as Number 24. MeOne hast told me that thou do seek ye recently purloined Crown Jewels.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so, but I also do seek for strong reasons of mine own ye Comte de Blofeld.
Number 24: Hmm, ye Comte. I am told ‘twas he who did take ye Jewels. Mine sources hear that he may be found at-
(An arrow doth pierce ye contact before he can utter one more syllable. Sir James spies a man running from ye bar.)
Sir James: MeOne, apace!
(Sir James and MeOne pursue ye assassin. Meanwhile on ye stage, ye women dressed in silver hath begun to sing. Sir James and MeOne burst into ye street.)
MeOne: This way!
Obviously a chase scene next, which I'm not very good at. Help!
( The assassin quickly jumps on the back of an old female norse flower seller, who he moves away aapce on her back !)
MeOne : Look sir James, he hath commandeered an old woman ih shawl and headscarf for a piggy back !
Sir James : What ?
MeOne : Old Norse women are known for their speed and agility ...... and wolf killing skills
Sir James ; Then two'ith can playist at that game of sport
( Sir James quickly grabs an old woman offering a purse of monies ... )
Sir James : Old crone some Krona ? for the use of thine body ?
Old Crone : Oh so much, ... would that be one at a time or Both together ? .... I hath whips and ....
Sir James : Nay I need a piggy Back ...... apace !!
( Sir James quickly jumps on the old crone's back and gives chase )
Old Crone : who we all chasing boy ?
Sir James : An assassin, quick he hath turned left up that stone stair case ...
Old Crone : I know these streets like'ith the back of my hand, I know a short cut but my third liver spot. We'll
head him off at the precipice.
( After much twisting and turning , they find themselves behind the assassin on the rooftops ..... )
Old Crone : Oh this be grand ...
Sir James : ... Bizarre, if thine asks me......... He's really whipping that old lady hard to get such speed.
Old Crone : True, and that usually costs extra ...
Sir James : Be silent old Crone.
( They smash through a window, to see the assassin's old crone fall into a stall of oranges ... and he jumps onto a
passing carriage )
Sir James : Hold on, old Crone, I'm going to get elevated !
Old Crone : and here's me thinking it was a short dagger in your pocket
( Sir James grabs a church bell rope and swings Both him and Crone up and over a small bridge to land on the assassin's
carriage, sadly the old crone crashes in to the side of the carriage and falls on to the street )
Old Crone : What are thee doing now ?
Sir James : Just changing carriages mam .
Obviously an homage to Skyfall, but I don't know if we want the assassin to escape or not ?
(Am out with the family at, of all things, a display of birds of prey. Back later! )
A port in Stockholm. Sir James alights from his ship and ist met by a carriage. From inside a voice hails him.
MeOne: Greetings, Sir James, what took thee so long?
Sir James: ‘Twas a pleasant sail, and I always take my time when taking pleasure.
MeOne: We shalt discuss that later, methinks. Join me, I prithee.
(Sir James enters ye carriage.)
MeOne: Driver, ye Nobel Hotel. And watch out for yon man with green trainers!
Driver: I have missed him, milady.
Sir James: Aye, many do. So, MeOne how didst thou know I would be here?
MeOne: I was told by a trusted and authoritative source.
Sir James: Ye Daily Mail?
MeOne: Nay, I said a trusted and authoritative source. But we have arrived- let us continue this conversation in ye bar of ye hotel, where I have someone I should like ye to meet...
(After Sir James checks in, he and MeOne go to ye hotel bar. A band plays “Good Morning Stockholm Town”.)
MeOne: Over here, Sir James.
(She leads Sir James to a booth where a furtive figure sits, thumbing through parchments of ye sights of Norway.)
Sir James: And who might this be?
MeOne: ‘Tis mine contact here. Mayhap I should say mine latest contact, for there have been three-and-twenty others. This is he who ist called Bond, James Bond.
Number 24: And thou may simply know me as Number 24. MeOne hast told me that thou do seek ye recently purloined Crown Jewels.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so, but I also do seek for strong reasons of mine own ye Comte de Blofeld.
Number 24: Hmm, ye Comte. I am told ‘twas he who did take ye Jewels. Mine sources hear that he may be found at-
(An arrow doth pierce ye contact before he can utter one more syllable. Sir James spies a man running from ye bar.)
Sir James: MeOne, apace!
(Sir James and MeOne pursue ye assassin. Meanwhile on ye stage, three women dressed in silver hath begun to sing. Sir James and MeOne burst into ye street.)
MeOne: This way!
(Ye assassin quickly jumps on the back of an old female Norse flower seller, whom he moves away!)
MeOne: Look, Sir James, he hath commandeered an old woman with shawl and headscarf for a piggyback!
Sir James: What?
MeOne: Old Norse women are known for their speed and agility ...... and wolf killing skills.
Sir James: Then two can play’eth at that game of sport.
(Sir James quickly grabs an old woman, offering her a purse of monies...)
Sir James: Old crone- some Krona for the use of thine body?
Old Crone: Oh so much... would that be one at a time or both together? I hath whips and....
Sir James: Nay,I need a piggyback...... apace!!
(Sir James quickly jumps on the old crone's back and gives chase.)
Old Crone: Who we all chasing, boy?
Sir James: An assassin, quick he hath turned left up that stone staircase ...
Old Crone: I know these streets like'eth ye back of my hand- I know a short cut by my third liver spot. We'll head him off at the precipice.
(After much twisting and turning , they find themselves behind the assassin on the rooftops....)
Old Crone: Oh this be grand...
Sir James: (Aside.) Bizarre, if thou asks me... (Aloud.) He's really whipping that old lady hard to get such speed.
Old Crone: True, and that usually costs extra.
Sir James: Be silent, old crone.
(They smash through a window, to see the assassin's old crone fall into a stall of oranges as he jumps onto a passing carriage.)
Sir James: Hold on, old crone, I'm going to get elevated!
Old Crone: ...and here's me thinking ‘twas a short dagger in thine pocket.
(Sir James grabs a church bell rope and swings both him and ye crone up and over a small bridge to land on the assassin's carriage. Sadly ye old crone crashes in to ye side of the carriage and falls on to ye street.)
Old Crone: What are thee doing now?
Sir James: Just changing carriages, ma’am.
(Sir James and ye assassin struggle on top of ye carriage. MeOne pulls out a crossbow and tries to aim at ye assassin but refrains, afraid of hitting Sir James.)
Sir James: Take ye bloody shot!
(MeOne close her eyes and lets ye arrow fly. Ye assassin ist pierced through ye shoulder and falls to the street. Sir James leaps down beside him as MeOne approaches.)
MeOne: Assassin down.
Sir James: That was a better result than ye last time this happened.
Assassin: Thou shalt never make me talk, Sir James!
Sir James: Mayhap aye, mayhap nay- but thou shouldst know that ye longer it takes ye more painful we’ll make it.
Assassin: Oh, in that case thou shalt find ye Comte de Blofeld and ye Crown Jewels in ye penthouse suite of ye Centre Point tower.
Sir James: But that ist in Dubrovnik! ...er... or London!
MeOne: Nay, they art everywhere these days- there ist one not far from here.
Sir James: Then let us go- apace!
As ever, open to revision & addition!
Sir James: Hmm, this doth seem most familiar.
MeOne: By this time, everything must seem most familiar to thee!
Sir James: Fair point. ‘Tis most quiet here, too quiet.
MeOne: I’ve got a bad feeling about this....
Sir James: Say that not! Wrong franch-
(Ye floor doth swing under their feet, sending them down into an oubliette where they hit ye floor hard and art knocked out.)
A villain’s lair. Sir James lies bound and unconscious.
Sir James: ....mmm.... ‘tis unbelievable.... more, I prithee, Felix.... (Awakes.) Um! Ye Comte de Blofeld!
Comte: I bid thee greetings, Sir James.... mine brother.
Sir James: Say that not- and where ist MeOne?
Comte: Ah yes, ye beautiful MeOne. 'Tis good that thou art concerned for her.
Now, in what terrible situation has the Comte put MeOne? What is he going to do to Sir James, and how can Naught Naught Seven escape? These aren't rhetorical questions, I really don't know!!!!
Comte: An excellent question, and one which shalt be on ye lips of ye world soon- behold!
(Ye Comte indicates a large needlepoint- not a tapestry, for which such are easily confused- upon ye wall, displaying a map of Europe. Crowns are placed over ye capital cities, all in gold save that over Stockholm which ist black.)
Comte: Ye Swedish Jewels art but ye first. Soon, working from ye Centre Point towers in all ye major cities, I shalt possess all ye Crown Jewels of Europe. There shalt be no alternative but to declare me Emperor!
Sir James: World domination. Same old dream.
Comte: No dream, Naught Naught Seven, soon a reality. Now, thou wert asking about ye most attractive MeOne? Guards!
(Two guards pull Sir James to his feet, cutting ye ropes on his ankles so he can walk but leaving his wrists tied. They follow ye Comte through a door.)
We could mention an associate about to steal the British Crown Jewels a Captain Blood.
For Bond's easily escaped Death and MeOne's torture ......
Comte: As you se Sir James, MeOne has been placed in this over sized hour glass, and strapped in securely
Sir James : T'isn't an hour glass filled with sand ?
Comte : These are modern times Sir James as Gin is all the rage, tis Gin in the glass ! ..... as the gin falls
from above she will be drowned in it ! at the same time the falling Gin will lower the minute hand to which you are tied
On my copy of one of the faces of Big ben....... Lowering you in to this pit of ex-alcoholic, cut throats and villains. All
armed with knives and swords.
Sir James : Why ex-alcoholics, might I ask ?
Comte : It a community service thing I got roped in to, to improve my standing in society, But I shall not leave you
unarmed Sir James, I will give you a sporting chance.
( The Comte contemptuously places a nail file in to Sir James Mouth )
Comte : Ha! Ha! Silence at last, Come men we will depart......
( The comte exits with his yeomen. as he gin begins to flow and the minute hand begins its decent ....... )
( Sir James swings his legs up to hook them on the minute hand and begins to cut at his bindings with the nail file ....
it seems to take forever but Sir James is thankful for those nights in the boys boarding school doing favours for the
older boys that had given him such a strong gag reflex, breath control and strong neck muscles ........ teaching
bobbing for apples to the school Halloween sports team. Soon his binding was cut and he leaped on to the floor )
MeOne : ( Shouting ) Good timing Sir James
Sir James : Aye, tis what our continental cousins call the rhythm method ! Now close your eyes as I shatter the glass.
( Sir James uses the nail file like a punch and shatters the gin filled hour glass, sending a stream of gin over his head and
in to the pit of cut throats .... he quickly unstraps MeOne and the Both head for the door..... Sit James stops by a barrel
of honey )
Sir James : Gin by itself is so uncivilised here, I'll pour this honey in the pit too, It's the "Bees Knees "
( They leave to the sound of much merriment and singing from the pit .... )
As many know a certain J Barry had a little tune called the bee's knees
the hour glass and Bond hanging on to a clock's minute hand from the titles of OHMSS
MeOne: But what now?
Sir James: To London- methinks we have an appointment to keep.
Ist Varlet: Brrr! ‘Tis most scary here!
Captain Blood: Hush, fool, lest ye wake ye beefeaters!
1st Varlet: Thine pardon, Captain, for these waxworks do frighten me.
2nd Varlet: Aye, most lifelike they are.
Captain Blood: Naught but children art thee- these art mere figurines of ye Queen’s most noble defenders: Sir Francis Drake, Sir Roger Moore, Sir Walter Raleigh and so on.
2nd Varlet: That one looks like Sir James Bond! No, ye other one.
Captain Blood: Dost thou not know that ye Comte did slay Sir James in Stockholm? Now, come!
(They move towards a display case housing ye Crown Jewels. Captain Blood uses a gemstone to slice through ye glass and carefully removes ye valuables, placing them into a sack held by ye varlets as ye Comte de Blofeld enters.)
Comte: Hast ye done the deed?
Captain Blood: Aye, they art here.
Comte: Most excellent, I shalt place them here with ye Crown Jewels of Sweden- now, let us depart.
Sir James: I think it not, Comte.
(Ye villains turn in alarm as ye waxwork figure of Sir James Bond comes alive and approaches them, sword in hand.)
1st Varlet: See- I told thee!
Captain Blood: Get him!
(Ye two varlets rush at Sir James, who easily dispatches them before turning to Captain Blood.)
Sir James: ‘Tis thine turn- traitor!
(As Sir James and Captain Blood do battle, ye Comte rushes to escape, leaving ye sack of jewels behind in his haste. Sir James slays ye Captain as MeOne enters, accompanied by William of Tanner.)
Tanner: Thou hast done it again, Sir James, ye Crown Jewels art safe and thou hast slain ye traitor.
Sir James: Aye, but once again ye Comte de Blofeld hast escaped me.
MeOne: ‘Tis certain thou shalt meet him again.
Tanner: Come, let us replace ye Jewels.
(They replace ye Crown Jewels, and Sir James ist left with ye two great Swedish bezants.)
Sir James: Ye Comte may have got away, but at least I now have a title for this adventure...
GOLDENBALLS
That was great fun!
My thoughts turned to parallel worlds and possibilities , perhaps a Younger Ian Fleming first
trying out his characters as a children's story. " James Bond school days !"
Foxhall Cross Boys school for future young discreet agents of the realm.
Headmaster, M ( male ) ,...….. school nurse, Moneypenny, …… Head boy, …… young Sir James Bond
with friends, Young Bill Tanner and the student from the colonies , young Lord Felix leiter. School
nerd, A young wizard (Q), With Head school Bully, a young Comte Ernst Blofeld, and his gang
of school bad boys, …… young Lord Largo, Apothecary Nay etc.
While across the lake the Girl's school …." Lady Dench, brain Quench for young ladies, of quality and
deportment "
Head Mistress, M ( Female) ….. Rosa Klebb as a hated school nurse, with many young ladies such as
archery enthusiast Melina Havelock, Judo fan , Pussy Galore and horse lover Jenny Flex.
Many adventure follow such as …….
A new boy arrives at school, and soon challenges young Sir James to a fight, as the new boy has only been
allowed to attend the school through a grant and is ginger ….. so, he's called Red Grant.
A blackmail letter arrives threating to remove all the school vowels, the school bell is to be rung 7 times at
6pm to show acceptance of the demands, or forever will the students have to write in welsh.
Comte Blofeld plans the biggest raid in history on the tuck shop , or so young Sir James thinks. Only to find
that Comte Blofeld plans to release the foulest of stink bombs, rendering the sweets useless, and his private
sweet sales will make a small fortune.
So, "Young Sir James" then?
depositing Boys at the school entrance ………
Headmaster M, " Quickly now Boys line up. ….. That's it …….. Usual procedure All boys with Parents
line up on the left,...……… You BOY !!! Bond WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING !!!!!"
Young Sir James : Sir ?
Headmaster M : My office now Boy, ….. I have some news !
( later in the headmasters office …….. )
Young Sir James : T'is truly horrible news Sir !, …… how could it happen ?
Headmaster M : simple Boy, not enough votes from pupils, that's another year I've lost Education
rear of the year ! …… to think of all the squats I did for nothing.
Young Sir James : You had some other news Sir ?
Headmaster M : Oh ? … oh yes, It seems both your parents are dead, a climbing accident I'm told
Young Sir James : Oh that's terrible sir ! Where did it happen
Headmaster M : Well, at the foot of the mountain boy, it's simple physics boy. Fall from a height and hit
the bottom. Now run along to your dorms.
Young Sir James : Thank'ee Sir, I shall leave at once, Might I be allowed a short time to grieve sir ?
Headmaster M : I know many of the boys think of me as a crusty old sea dog with no feelings, Nothing
could be further from the truth. Of course Young Bond please take five minutes before lights out, But
no Blubbing, we're not Italians or French.
Young Sir James : Might I be permitted the use of the Priest's Hole ?
Headmaster M : Nay, we've had to ask Father Handsy to leave for, ……. personal reasons.
Young Sir James: Thank ee again Sir, and you will let me know if there's any change in my parents condition.
Admiral: (Reading from list.) ...Barry, Lord John?
Boy holding trumpet: Here, sir!
Admiral: Blofeld, Ernst Stavro de?
Comte: That ist COMTE de Blofeld!
Admiral: But of course. Bond, Sir James?
Young Sir James: Present!
(As ye Admiral drones on, ye boy next to Young Sir James begins to chat with him.)
Boy: So, thine name ist Bond?
Young Sir James: Aye, I am he he ist called Bond, James Bond.
Boy: And my name ist Felix, next Lord of Leiter- sent have I been from across ye sea to complete mine education here at Foxhall Cross.
Young Sir James: Most pleased am I to meet ye!
All I have time for just now. Could our boy meet a pupil called Tomkinson, who plans to open a pet shop one day specialising in Norwegian Blue Parrots?
(Ye Admiral comes to the end of his list.)
Admiral: And Zukovsky, Valentin.
Valentin: Here!
Admiral: Now, ye art all here to learn ye secret arts of discretion and thine first class shalt begin in one hour. Present yourselves at Room 001 at that time. Till then thou hast freedom to talk and wander ye school.
(James and Felix wander off, joined by a third boy.)
James: And thou art...?
Boy: William of Tanner, but thou may know me as “Bill”.
Felix: Greetings to thee- I am Felix and this ist James.
Valentin could give us potential for a Hagrid joke?
Be carried from class to class in a carry chair or "Kitty litter"
..... " Valentin, hath there had a growth spurt ? "
( an old gypsy woman approaches selling lucky tarmac )
..... " Hag-rid yourself of thine lucky charms and be gone "
James: So, 'twould seem there are only boys at this school, no girls then?
Bill: Why, no, ye girls are across ye lake at the girl's school…"Lady Dench, brain Quench for young ladies, of quality and
deportment ".
James: And ist this far across ye lake?
Felix: Why doth thee ask, James?
James: Oh, just idle curiosity...
Bill: Ah, here we are at ye tuck shop- let us buy some sweetmeats!
(They walk up to ye shop.)
Ernst: Hey, we were here first!
James: Nay, 'twas us.
James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. These are my friends, Felix and Bill.
(Ernst is joined by a boy with an eyepatch and another who keep his hands hidden within ye sleeves of his Oriental robe.)
Ernst: And these art my friends, Emilio and Julius. Thou shalt let us precede thee to ye tuck shop, lest ye suffer greatly.
Felix: I see thou hast brought thine brain trust to greet us.
Ernst: Thou art brave, but on the whole stupid.
James: Well, we can't all be geniuses, can we?
(They do battle, Julius attempting to hit blows with his metal hands, and Ernst and his friends are defeated. James and his friends walk up to ye tuck shop.)
Ernst: Eat thine sweetmeats quickly, Sir James.
James: I intend to, Comte de Blofeld.
(James, Felix and Bill walk off eating their choices. They art approached by a strangely mature looking boy.)
Boy: Thee did stand up to ye school bully! Most impressed am I.
Bill: And what ist thine name?
Boy: I am Tomkinson, pleased to meet ye.
James: Thou art here to study ye arts of discretion, as we art?
Tomkinson: Oh, nay, 'tis my ambition to open a pet shop- I love all animals, especially parrots. Mine favourite ist ye Norwegian Blue- beautiful plumage! See, I have one here.
Felix: But 'tis dead!
Tomkinson: No, no, 'tis resting.
James: He's not resting- hello Mr Parrot!!! (No reaction from ye bird.) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Tomkinson: No, he ist stunned.
James: That ist merely a ripping yarn- come, Felix and Bill, 'tis time for our first class.
Professor Higson: Greetings, all. I am Professor Higson and I shalt be thine instructor in ye art of sending coded messages, a most important part of thine future as agents of discretion. Now, there art hundreds of secret inks but who can tell me what ist ye oldest one in ye world?
(Professor Higson looks expectantly around the room. Eventually, one boy raises his hand.)
Professor Higson: Yes, pray tell.
Boy: Thine own urine?
Professor Higson: Correct! Ye page willst show nothing but held in front of a flame, ye writing shalt come up brown. Well done! Now...
(As ye Professor talks on, James whispers to ye boy.)
James: Most impressive! I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Who art thee?
Boy: Mine name ist Geoffrey Boothroyd.
James: Come, sit with me and mine friends.
Geoffrey: Thine attention I crave. Most attentive I shalt be to ye lore of secret writings, magical gadgets, enchanted carriages and so forth.
Felix: Most pleased I am to meet thee.
Geoffrey: No wish have I to be an agent of discretion- my passion ist in ye creating of those items which shalt aid an agent through his mission.
James: Thine passion? Surely thou dost jest!
Geoffrey: I ne’er jest about my quirk, Sir James.
Stealth Cricket, played all over the school. Although no one
Knows who is on each team. A bit like the training sequence
In movies. Where you must shoot the criminal but not the
Innocent civilians. As the Game is played all over the school
Inside and out, with players having no idea where the ball will
Come from.
The wickets being the smallest boys in school, and the idea is
To hit them with the ball, to render them unconscious or slightly
Dead. ?
With Red Grant could we end the fight with Bond throwing him
From the school carriage and in to the fish pond where he is
Dragged below by a giant carp , as in Jaws.
Act 1, Scene 4. Ye school refectory. The boys line up for food.
Felix: Interesting doublet, Sir James, where were you measured for this?
James: My tailor, Savile Row.
Felix: Is that so? Mine ist a guy in Washington.
Bill: Ah, ye menu. Let me see... I shalt have two faggots, then a spotted dick.
Felix: (Giggling.) For me, ye steak pie with lots of gravy.
Bill: Why art thee laughing, Felix?
James: I shalt explain later, Bill.
Felix: Hmm, I shalt never get used to this British food...
James: I shalt have ye scrambled eggs, with bacon.
(They sit at a table and eat.)
Felix: What does thine father do, Bill?
Bill: He ist in ye army, a Lieutenant Colonel in ye Royal Engineers. I hope to do the same.
Felix: Mine father works in Washington, but his job ist most discreet. And you, James?
James: Alack, both mine parents died in a climbing accident. Mine aunt now looks after me.
Felix: Most sad.
Bill: What subject do we have after lunch?
James: ‘Tis sport, I believe. Mayhap we shalt play cricket?
Felix: ‘Tis my belief they do have an interesting version of yon game here: Stealth Cricket!
James: Stealth Cricket? What ist that?
Felix: Methinks we shalt find out most soon....
Next scene is the Stealth Cricket game, which Professor Horowitz introduces to the boys. He says sometimes it can be over quite quickly, while other times it takes.... forever and a day.
James, Felix and Bill are on one team, while Ernst and his crew are on the other. Ernst should try to cheat, naturally, but James wins in the end. Of course.
They are then told that the next day they are going across the lake to visit the girls school.
Ok, that's my ideas- fancy combining them with yours and writing this scene up?
(I'm talking to Thunderpussy here, but as ever we're open to others chipping in.)