I'll give it a go but unfortunately ( This is the last day of my holidays )..... I've been asked
to come in as someone has called in sick. So It will be around 9 tonight before I can do any
long posts
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
( In the courtyard Professor Horowitz addresses the students …… )
Professor Horowitz : In keeping with the grand traditions of the school, today we have the Annual Stealth Cricket match.
Sometimes it can be over quite quickly, while other times it takes.... forever and a day …….
All areas of the school are in play. The teams have been chosen, the wickets are in hiding. I expect a god game showing
what you have been taught so far, and fair play from both teams ……..
Comte Blofeld : I hath made one change to my team, that new ginger boy who's here via an education grant
Professor Horowitz : Who ? …. The one who's always eating cheese ?
Comte Blofeld : Aye, Red Leister, so always carries a cheese cutting wire on him. We call him …. Red Grant.
Professor Horowitz : This is most irregular Blofeld, no late changes can be ……….
Comte Blofeld : They can be made, Remember when I first came here how you hated rule breaking, But I have
taught you how foolish that was, The change of player is perfectly allowed
Professor Horowitz : ( In a drone voice ) The change is perfectly allowable, ( Shaking his head clear ) Will thine
Uncle be commenting on the gane as usual ?
Comte Blofeld : Aye, Henry Blofeld will be giving his comments
( From the crowd Red Grant moves forward ….. }
Felix : I hear they used to call him Nashville because of his love of bluegrass music, but it was shortened to Nash.
( Sir James moves forward to Greet the new Boy )
Sir James : You look very Fit Nash.
Red Grant : Before this match is over, you'll crawl over here and kiss my ….
Sir James : Don't believe all thee reads on the privy walls …
Comte Blofeld : Come away Grant, Save thine anger for the sport !
( Grant cuts a piece of cheese with his cheese wire …)
Sir James : You should have some white lemonade with that, brings out the flavour.
Red Grant : I prefer the red kind
( Sir James raises an eyebrow at the comment, as Grant drinks from a bottle )
Comte Blofeld : Now gentlemen to Sport !
Hope this will do for a starting point.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
I'm hoping to work in that Blofeld is cheating by using the
Largo twins Emilio and Max, leading to a fight with Grant
Ending with the giant carp attack.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sounds good, especially the twins idea. While you do that, I've started the next scene to lead into the lines you said earlier about Pussy and Hagrid:
Act 2, Scene 1. Outside Foxhall Cross, ye pupils assemble before Headmaster M.
Headmaster M: Today, pupils, we shalt pay a courtesy visit to Lady Dench’s school and I expect you all to be on thine best behaviour. We shalt ride by carriage to ye lake, from whence we shall proceed by boat. Now, into ye carriages. (Ernst and his friends get into one carriage together, rudely elbowing others out of their way. James, Felix and Bill travel with Geoffrey and are joined by Valentin, delayed by his limp.)
James: This sounds interesting, methinks.
Felix: Ye trip or ye girls?
James: Both!
Geoffrey: This carriage ist most fascinating. I fancy that I could make some modifications, if I could give it my undivided attention.
Bill: As long as thou brings it back in one piece.
James: Valentin, ‘twould seem that thou hath grown taller since only yesterday- hast thou had a growth spurt?
Valentin: Hm, canst thou not say “hello”, like a normal person?
( In the main hall of the school a number of special guests and professors have gathered to listen to the
great Henry Blofeld's commentary on the match …… )
Blowers : What a glorious day for the boys to be whacking those balls...…… on willow. As the School's
Golden Gun fires, it begins ! and young Sir James Bond is the first to bat. he's walking across the court yard
waiting for the first ball to be bowled, Many open windows, it could come from anywhere ……… for those new to
the game Stealth cricket or " Stickish" as the boys call it. Is played all over the school, on all floors, with runs
scored for distance and difficulty and a wicket being one of the shorter, younger boys. A direct hit on one wins
the game, if you can find them as they are hidden from sight.
There it is ground floor window, a fast ball ……… Oh well played young Sir James, out of the courtyard for a six.
But wait, another from the top foor, almost impossible speed from the bowler !
Sir James : How the hell did he get up there so fast ?
( Sir James quickly parries the ball away for only a single run Felix and Bill decide to investigate and run up to the
top floor in time to catch Emilio Largo, and question him )
Blowers : Well played Sir, now it's time for a change over as Young Francisco Scaramanga comes on the filed.
Sir James : Good day you've six chances to reverse the score.
Scaramanga : I only need One, Sir James.
( Sir James rushes up to join Felix and Bill )
Sir Bill : James, we've questioned him thoroughly
Sir James : So I see, ( as he points at the damp cloth and water bottles ) what have you learned so far.
Lord Felix : There are two Largo boys ! Max who's German and Emilio who's from Brazil
Sir James : The boys from Brazil ?
Sir Bill : aye, like the the forsyth twins Bruce and Frederick from last term.
Sir James : Clever as they be identical
Lord Felix : aye, except for his eye patch, white hair and being a foot shorted than Max.
Sir Bill : We've sent for Professor Horowitz and we expect Comte Blofeld will be disqualified and
have a smaked bottom before bed time.
( Later in Professor Horowitz study a bent over Blofeld is looking out a window as the sounds of
cane on bottom can be heard, through a single tear falling he utters an oath as he watches Sir James walking past )
Comte Blofeld :(Aside) Let his death be a particularly unpleasant and humiliating one
( As Sir James passes the yellow school carriage a hand pulls him in … )
Red Grant : So you're the one on your knees !
Sir James : I keep telling you not to believe what's written on the privy walls, Comte Blofeld writes most of that.
Red Grant : Time to cut you down a slice.
( They do fight with a vengeance, until in a full nelson Grant puts his cheese wire round Sir James's neck.. )
Red Grant : Time to get all " Choked up "
( Sir James reaches out an arm to try and reach his school compass in his doublet top pocket, and stabs Grant in the
arm with it. Grant screams and releases his grip, allowing Sir James to place the wire around Grant's neck )
Sir James : You took the words right out of my mouth !
(Sir James Kicks Grant out of the school carriage, sending him in to the decorative school fish pond. Although Many
fish had been adapted by wizards over time as defence fish. The biggest of which " Bruce" was half Carp and half
Great white shark …. )
Red Grant : I be only a little wet Sir James ……..
( Suddenly from behind him the great fish rises grabbing at Grant who struggles but is steadily pulled under. Sir James's
last sight of him, was Grant Half in the fish's mouth, spewing up some red lemonade, just as Sir Bill and Lord Felix arrive )
Sir Bill : Sir James are thee composed once more ? Where is Red Grant ?
Sir James : as Comte Vito Corleone would say, … He sleeps with the fishes
Needs some jokes etc, but it gives the basic idea.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 1, Scene 4. In the courtyard Professor Horowitz addresses the students.
Professor Horowitz: In keeping with the grand traditions of the school, today we have the Annual Stealth Cricket match. Sometimes it can be over quite quickly, while other times it takes.... forever and a day. All areas of the school are in play. The teams have been chosen, the wickets are in hiding. I expect a good game showing what you have been taught so far, and fair play from both teams.
Ernst: I hath made one change to my team, that new ginger boy who's here via an education grant.
Professor Horowitz: Who? The one who's always eating cheese?
Ernst: Aye, Red Leicester, so he always carries a cheese cutting wire on him. We call him…. Red Grant.
Professor Horowitz: This is most irregular, young Blofeld, no late changes can be-
Ernst: They can be made. Remember when I first came here how you hated rule breaking? But I have
taught you how foolish that was. The change of player is perfectly allowable.
Professor Horowitz: (In a drone voice.) The change of player is perfectly allowable. (Shaking his head clear.) Will thine uncle be commenting on the game as usual?
Ernst: Aye, Henry Blofeld will be giving his comments. (From the crowd Red Grant moves forward.)
Felix: I hear they used to call him Nashville because of his love of bluegrass music, but it was shortened to Nash. (Sir James approaches to greet the new boy.)
James: You look very fit, Nash.
Red Grant: Before this match is over, you'll crawl over here and kiss my-
James: Don't believe all thee reads on the privy walls…
Ernst: Come away Grant, save thine anger for the sport! (Grant cuts a piece of Red Leicester with his cheese wire…)
James: You should have some white lemonade with that, brings out the flavour.
Red Grant: I prefer the red kind. (Sir James raises an eyebrow at the comment, as Grant drinks from a bottle.)
Ernst: Now gentlemen, to sport! (In the main hall of the school a number of special guests and professors have gathered to listen to the great Henry Blofeld's commentary on the match.)
Blowers: What a glorious day for the boys to be whacking those balls...…… on willow. As the School's Golden Gun fires, it begins! And young Sir James Bond is the first to bat. He's walking across the courtyard waiting for the first ball to be bowled. Many open windows, it could come from anywhere. For those new to the game, Stealth cricket or "Stickish" as the boys call it, is played all over the school, on all floors, with runs scored for distance and difficulty and a wicket being one of the shorter, younger boys. A direct hit on one wins the game, if you can find them as they are hidden from sight. There it is- ground floor window, a fast ball……… Oh well played young Sir James, out of the courtyard for a six. But wait- another from the top floor, almost impossible speed from the bowler!
James: How the hell did he get up there so fast? (James quickly parries the ball away for only a single run. Felix and Bill decide to investigate and run up to the top floor in time to catch Emilio Largo, and question him.)
Blowers: Well played Sir, now it's time for a change over as young Francisco Scaramanga comes on the field.
James: Good day, thou hast six chances to reverse the score.
Francisco: I only need one, Sir James. (James rushes up to join Felix and Bill.)
Bill: James, we've questioned him thoroughly.
James: So I see (As he points at ye damp cloth and water bottles.). What have you learned so far?
Felix: There are two Largo boys! Max who's German and Emilio who's from Brazil.
James: The boy’s from Brazil?
Bill: Aye, like the Forsyth twins Bruce and Frederick from last term.
James: Clever, as they be identical.
Felix: Aye. Well, except for Emilio’s eye patch, white hair and being a foot shorter than Max.
Bill: We've sent for Professor Horowitz and we expect Comte Blofeld will be disqualified and
have a smacked bottom before bed time. (Later in Professor Horowitz’s study, a bent over Ernst is looking out a window as the sounds of cane on bottom can be heard. Through a single tear falling he utters an oath as he watches James walking past.)
Ernst: (Aside.) Let his death be a particularly unpleasant and humiliating one. (As James passes the yellow school carriage a gloved hand pulls him in.)
Red Grant: Now you're the one on your knees!
James: I keep telling you not to believe what's written on the privy walls, ye Comte de Blofeld writes most of that.
Red Grant: Time to cut you down a slice. (They do fight with a vengeance, until in a full nelson Grant puts his cheese wire round Sir James's neck...)
Red Grant: Time to get all "choked up”. (James reaches out an arm to try and reach his school compass in his doublet top pocket, and stabs Grant in the arm with it. Grant screams and releases his grip, allowing James to place the wire around Grant's neck.)
Sir James: You took the words right out of my mouth! (Sir James kicks Grant out of the school carriage, sending him in to the decorative school fish pond. There many fish had been adapted by wizards over time as defence fish. The biggest of which, "Bruce" is half carp and half Great White Shark...)
Red Grant: I be only a little wet Sir James... (Suddenly from behind him the great fish rises grabbing at Grant who struggles but is steadily pulled under. Sir James's last sight of him, is Grant half in the fish's mouth, spewing up some red lemonade, just as Bill and Felix arrive.)
Bill: Sir James are thee composed once more? Where is Red Grant?
James: As Comte Vito Corleone would say… He sleeps with the fishes. Act 2, Scene 1. Outside Foxhall Cross, ye pupils assemble before Headmaster M.
Headmaster M: Today, pupils, we shalt pay a courtesy visit to Lady Dench’s school and I expect you all to be on thine best behaviour. We shalt ride by carriage to ye lake, from whence we shall proceed by boat. Now, into ye carriages. (Ernst and his friends get into one carriage together, rudely elbowing others out of their way. James, Felix and Bill travel with Geoffrey and are joined by Valentin, delayed by his limp.)
James: This sounds interesting, methinks.
Felix: Ye trip or ye girls?
James: Both!
Geoffrey: This carriage ist most fascinating. I fancy that I could make some modifications, if I could give it my undivided attention.
Bill: As long as thou brought it back in one piece.
Geoffrey: Thine attention I crave, Sir James- behold this cleverly-concealed penknife!
James: Looks like a comb to me.
Geoffrey: That ist what I mean by “cleverly-concealed”- lo, just press here and-
James: - a blade emerges! Thou hast surprised thineself, Geoffrey.
Felix: Aye, it might come in useful.
Geoffrey: Here, conceal it up thine sleeve.
James: Driver, watch out for yon boy with green trainers! (Thump.)
Driver: Too late.
Felix: Do you think we shalt see him again?
Bill: I hope so.
James: Valentin, ‘twould seem that thou hath grown taller since only yesterday- hast thou had a growth spurt?
Valentin: Hm, canst thou not say “hello”, like a normal person?
Felix: Nay, ‘tis true what James says- one day thou may be a giant, or a half-giant anyway. (They arrive at ye landing where a boat awaits, and line up to board. They art approached by an old gypsy woman selling lucky tarmac.)
Valentin: Hag- rid yourself of thine lucky charms and begone! (Ye old gypsy runs off as ye boys get onboard. James notices Ernst whispering with his cronies.)
Ernst: (Whispering.).... midnight.... tuck shop... (Notices James standing close.) So, nice day, eh, Emilio? What do you think, fifteen degrees?
Emilio: Better than that- near twenty.
( Interior of the grand hall of the girls' school, the Boys line up as Professor Dame Judi introduces her girls
and begins to speak …. )
Prof Judi : It is known to many That I hath often enjoyed holding balls of some size here, and today is no exception
We have purchased the time of a local band of minstrels, who will play awhile for our entertainment. So please make
merry Before the arduous time for nothing but your studies begin.
Pussy Galore : Please show your appreciation for our great headmistress
( The boys begin the traditional chant ………)
Boys : There is nothing like a Dame, nothing in the world, that is anything like a dame !
( Sir James crosses to address Pussy )
James : So you're the famous Pussy Galore, ….. I must be dreaming
Pussy : I could very well be the girl of your dreams, but I have an appointment which cannot wait, goodbye
( James watches her cross the room to a set of stairs leading downwards …. )
Felix : What you thinking about brother.
James : About going down …..
Felix : Aye, Pussy has that effect on all the boys.
( James follows the stairs down and comes to a chamber, with a door ajar, he creeps up and listens )
Comte Blofeld : Good we might have been overheard at our own school, but here in the girls' school
magazine printing room we shall be quite safe from prying eyes. Gentlemen Man has made
many great achievements. We can send messages over vast distances via arrow, send huge rocks by Trebuchet
In every endeavour except …..
Solo : Medicine !
Comte Blofeld : WHAT ?
Solo : We have improved everything but not much has improved in Medicine , Bloody hell the school Apothecary
gave me a prescription for two leeches last week for a boil 0n my bum.
Comte Blofeld : Ugh ! where did he stick them ?
Solo : Nowhere, I had to suck two every morning !
Comte Blofeld : Anyway back to business Man had made many great achievements in many fields except …….
Solo : Speed !
Blofeld : What ?
Solo : Well we haven't really got any faster for years, One horse power is still the limit of ………
Blofeld : Can we get back to my plan, please gentlemen ( aside) Emilio and Max please Press home my
disappointment with Mr Solo.
( James heres a scuffle, and through a crack in the door sees Solo being pushed into the printing machine
which crushed him in print, as it lifts up across Solo's face is printed "Out Of Order" )
James : (aside) Talk about a pressing engagement
Blofeld : Now, do I have to Press anyone else for an opinion ? …. No ? ……. didn't think so.
( James moves a little to get a better view of the room )
Blofeld : We have had an amicable arrangement at school, I provide some home comforts which you sell on
my behalf, and we all make a handsome profit. Tonight I will lay out my most audacious plan yet …….
…. To steal the entire contents of the school tuck shop, not just a few sweetbreads, or sherbets but Everthing !
( Suddendly James is pushed roughly into the room )
Pussy : He was listening outside.
Blofeld : was he indeed, it's of no matter soon he wont be able to tell anyone anything, Leave us gentlemen so
I may speak with Bond.
(The others shuffle from the room, but one large Asian student remained, He helped out around the school and
cleaned out the latrines so was known as Oddjobby )
Blofeld : Sit down James, What do you think of my little plan, can you appreciate the grandness of my vision ?
James : Sounds impossible, You'll have about fifteen minutes before the school yeomanry make you put it all back.
Blofeld : ( Laughing ) What makes you think I intend to remove anything
James : ( Frowning ) You're not going to take anything ? But why ?
Pussy : Nice to see you don't know everything James
Blofeld : I hath been stockpiing my own formula of horrendous stink bomb, it is leathal.
James : Of Course, it will render all the stock useless, unsaleable ……… I'm guessing you've also been stockpiing
your own supply of sweetbreads and sherbet .
Blofeld : Very good James, I have indeed, and soon I expect to recoup my investment ten fold, But now you have
distracted me enough. Oddjobby Find somewhere to lock up James then meet up with all of us later.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Interior of the grand hall of the girls' school. The boys line up as Professor Dame Judi introduces her girls and begins to speak….)
Prof Judi: It is known to many that I hath often enjoyed holding balls of some size here, and today is no exception. We have purchased the time of a local band of minstrels, who will play awhile for our entertainment. So please make merry before the arduous time for nothing but your studies begin.
Pussy Galore: Please show your appreciation for our great headmistress. (The boys begin the traditional chant………)
Boys: There is nothing like a Dame, nothing in the world, that is anything like a Dame! (Sir James crosses to address Pussy.)
James: So you're the famous Pussy Galore….. I must be dreaming.
Pussy: I could very well be the girl of your dreams, but I have an appointment which cannot wait, so goodbye. (James watches her cross the room to a set of stairs leading downwards.)
Felix: What you thinking about, brother?
James: About going down…..
Felix: Aye, Pussy has that effect on all the boys. (James follows the stairs down and comes to a chamber with a door ajar. He creeps up and listens.)
Ernst: Good, we might have been overheard at our own school, but here in the girls' school magazine printing room we shall be quite safe from prying eyes. Gentlemen: Man has made many great achievements. We can send messages over vast distances via arrow, send huge rocks by Trebuchet. In every endeavour except …..
Solo: Medicine!
Ernst: WHAT?
Solo: We have improved everything but not much has improved in Medicine. Bloody hell, the School Apothecary gave me a prescription for two leeches last week for a boil on my bum.
Ernst: Ugh! Where did he stick them?
Solo: Nowhere, I had to suck two every morning!
Ernst: Anyway, back to business. Man hath made many great achievements in many fields except…….
Solo: Speed!
Ernst: What?
Solo: Well we haven't really got any faster for years. One horse power is still the limit of………
Ernst: Can we get back to my plan, please gentlemen? (Aside.) Emilio and Max, please press home my disappointment with Master Solo. (Solo turns to leave.)
Emilio: Going somewhere, Solo?
Solo: Yes, Emilio. As a matter of fact, I was just going to see your boss. Tell Ernst I won’t interrupt him again.
Max: It's too late. You should have paid attention when you had the chance. Ernst's put a price on your head so large that every boy in the school will be looking for you. I'm lucky I found you first.
Solo: Tell Ernst...
Emilio: Ernst's through with you. He has no time for boys who interrupt him at the first sign of a chance.
Solo: Over my dead body.
Max: That's the idea. I've been looking forward to this for a long time.
Solo: Yes, I'll bet you have. (James hears a scuffle, and through a crack in the door sees Solo being pushed into the printing machine which crushes him in print, as it lifts up across Solo's face is printed "Out Of Order".)
James: (Aside.) Talk about a pressing engagement...
Ernst: Now, do I have to press anyone else for an opinion? ….No? …….Didn't think so. (James moves a little to get a better view of the room.)
Ernst: We have had an amicable arrangement at school, I provide some home comforts which you sell on my behalf, and we all make a handsome profit. Tonight I will lay out my most audacious plan yet …….…. The entire contents of the school tuck shop, not just a few sweetbreads, or sherbets but everything! (Suddenly James is pushed roughly into the room.)
Pussy: He was listening outside.
Ernst: Was he indeed? ‘Tis of no matter- soon he won’t be able to tell anyone anything. Leave us gentlemen so I may speak with young Bond. (The others shuffle from the room, but one large Asian boy remains.)
Ernst: Please excuse my friend, James, he is an admirable assistant but mute. He helps out around the school and cleans out the latrines, so is known as Oddjobby.
Oddjobby: Ah-har!
Ernst: Sit down James, What do you think of my little plan, can you appreciate the grandness of my vision?
James: Sounds impossible, you'll have about fifteen minutes before the school yeomanry make you put it all back.
Ernst: (Laughing.) Who mentioned anything about removing it?
James: (Frowning.) You plan to break into the school’s largest sweet store and not steal anything? But why?
Pussy: Nice to see you don't know everything James.
Ernst: I hath been stockpiling my own formula of horrendous stink bomb, it is small but particularly dirty. I have tried
23 formulas before this, but Number 24 is the most potent!
Pussy: 'Tis lethal.
James: But of course! ‘Twill render all the stock useless, unsaleable……… I'm guessing you've also been stockpiling your own supply of sweetbreads and sherbet.
Ernst: Very good James, I have indeed, and soon I expect to recoup my investment tenfold. But now you have distracted me enough. Oddjobby- find somewhere to lock up James then meet up with all of us later.
Ernst: I hath been stockpiling my own formula of horrendous stink bomb, it is small but particularly dirty. I have tried
23 formulas before this, but Number 24 is the most potent !
Pussy : It's lethal.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 2, Scene 2. An easily escapable chamber. Oddjobby ties James to ye wall and departs.
James: Fiend! Come back! (After a few moments, James figures out that he ist being left alone.)
James: Hmm, now what was it Geoffrey did say...? (James manages to free ye comb from his sleeve and presses where Geoffrey had shown him. Ye blade emerges, and he manages to cut through his ropes and free himself.)
James: Now, let’s get out of here!
So, what does young James do next? Obviously he can't just tell a teacher.
Perhaps he should link up with one of the girls (plus Felix etc) but then what? Does he confront Ernst while on the boat back across the lake, or should we have a midnight showdown near the tuck shop?
Maybe he has missed the boat back, and has to persuade the girl(s) to help him get back across the lake- then enlist his pals in time for the midnight showdown?
Boys: There is nothing like a Dame, nothing in the world, that is anything like a Dame! (James casually wanders over to ye refreshment table, where two of ye girls art serving fruit punch.)
Girl: Some punch, young sir?
James: Aye, let it shaken be but not stirred. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. What ist thy name, fair maiden?
Some flirting dialogue, then James follows Pussy (doesn't he always?). The girl he flirts with later helps him to get a boat (or something) to get back to his school.
How's this? I've rewritten the start of this scene:
Act 2, Scene 1. Interior of the grand hall of the girls' school. The boys line up as Professor Dame Judi introduces her girls and begins to speak….
Professor Judi: Welcome, boys of Foxhall Cross, to our school. Here, we have many classes for young ladies in ye skills they shalt undoubtedly need when they encounter future agents of discretion, or mayhap become such themselves. Let me present our head girl, Miss Pussy Galore.... (Four girls enter, carrying a kitty litter upon which sits ye most glamorous Miss Pussy Galore.)
Professor Judi: ...who ist our judo champion. Next ist our supreme archery contender, Melina Havelock, and our award-winning horse rider, Jenny Flex. (Melina displays her archery talents by unerringly firing a shot from her crossbow at the centre of a target. Jenny falls asleep on her horse as she enters.)
Professor Judi: Jenny! Wake up! (Startled, Jenny awakes and smiles weakly.)
Professor Judi: No more early morning rides for thee. (James notices Melina looking interestedly at him, and gives her a smile.)
Professor Judi: It is known to many that I hath often enjoyed holding balls of some size here, and today is no exception. We have purchased the time of a local band of minstrels, who will play awhile for our entertainment. So please make merry before the arduous time for nothing but your studies begin.
Pussy Galore: Please show your appreciation for our great headmistress. (The boys begin the traditional chant………)
Boys: There is nothing like a Dame, nothing in the world, that is anything like a Dame! (James casually wanders over to ye refreshment table, where Melina and Jenny art serving fruit punch. Jenny goes to serve James but ist elbowed out of ye way by Melina.)
Melina: Some punch, young sir?
James: Aye, let it shaken be but not stirred. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. So, thine name ist Melina, then?
Melina: Aye, art thou interested in archery?
James: Nay, not at all, tis thee I am interested in!
Melina: Why, young Sir James, I had hoped thee would not be so obvious.
James: Well, when one hast little time one sort of has to be obvious. In which room doth thee sleep, Melina?
Melina: ‘Tis not ye sort of question a lady would answer. Room 24, second corridor.
James: Perhaps later, then?
Melina: I should say “maybe”...
James: Later then... maybe. (Sir James crosses to address Pussy.)
Act 2, Scene 2. An easily escapable chamber. Oddjobby ties James to ye wall and departs.
James: Fiend! Come back! (After a few moments, James figures out that he ist being left alone.)
James: Hmm, now what was it Geoffrey did say...? (James manages to free ye comb from his sleeve and presses where Geoffrey had shown him. Ye blade emerges, and he manages to cut through his ropes and free himself.)
James: Now, let’s get out of here! (James climbs back up ye stairs and finds that ye great hall ist empty.)
James: Heavens, how long was I down there? I must make for ye boat! (James runs out of ye school and heads to ye landing, only to see the boat in the distance.)
James: I must find a way to get back to Foxhall Cross, apace, to foil Ernst de Blofeld’s nefarious plans- but how? ....Melina... (James runs back to ye girls’ school, and heads straight to ye second corridor.)
James: Let em see... Number 23... aha, Number 24! (James knocks softly on ye door.)
Melina: Yes? (James quietly enters Melina’s room.)
Melina: Thou dost presume a great deal, James.
James: Wouldst thine feelings be greatly hurt if I were to say that ist not what I came for?
Melina: No? What do thee want then?
James: Ye boat back to mine school hast departed and ‘tis most important that I return there apace.
Melina: I see. And you figured you could charm ye knowledge out of me.
James: No. That wasn't my plan.
Melina: I do not expect thee to understand- thou art English.
James: Scots/Swiss actually, but many make that mistake.
Melina: Well, I suppose my co-operation could have a price.
James: You don’t mean... oh, no...
Melina: Oh yes! (After a discreet interval, Melina leads James to a pier.)
Melina: Here thou shalt find a small canoe thou can use to get across ye lake. It belongs to one of ye girls called Honey, but she ist always busy playing with her seashells.
James: I thank’ee, Melina. (James gets into ye boat and casts off.)
Melina: I prithee, do not forget to write...
Act 2, Scene 3. Ye boys dormitory. James crosses to ye bed of Felix.
James: (Softly.) Felix? Wake up, Felix.
Felix: (Asleep.)... oh yes please... I would love that... James... (Awakes.) Oh! James! ‘Tis really thee!
James: Thine help I need, Felix, and apace- Ernst hast a scheme which we must avert.
Felix: Now? ‘Tis almost midnight!
James: Exactly. Let us awake Bill and I shalt explain. (Later, at ye tuck shop...)
Ernst: Once there was a dream, now there ist reality. Julius, place ye stink bomb in ye midst of yon sweetmeats. Emilio, watch ye door. (Enter James, Felix and Bill.)
James: I think it not, Comte de Blofeld.
Ernst: Bond! Thou art too late, methinks.
(Emilio throws a harpoon at James, who ducks out of its way. Felix avoids ye hands of Julius, thrusting him into a pile of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans, while Bill grabs Emilio from behind. Ernst and James struggle together, James emerging victorious as Professor Higson enters.)
Professor Higson: What ist happening here? Hast thee all got some kind of blood fever?
James: Nay, Professor- let me explain...
Act 2, Scene 4.Outside Foxhall Cross. Ye sounds of Ernst, Julius and Emilio being soundly caned doth echo across ye courtyard.
Bill: So, James, thou hast thwarted ye plans of Ernst de Blofeld.
James: Aye, for ye moment.
Felix: Methinks he willst have learned his lesson and never trouble us again.
James: Never sayest thou never again, Lord Felix...
Act 2, Scene 4.Outside Foxhall Cross. Ye sounds of Ernst, Julius and Emilio being soundly caned doth echo across ye courtyard.
Bill: So, James, thou hast thwarted ye plans of Ernst de Blofeld.
James: (Arm in a sling.) Aye, for ye moment.
Felix: Methinks he willst have learned his lesson and never trouble us again.
James: Never sayest thou never again, Lord Felix... (From off a cry ist heard.)
Melina: James! (Melina, Jenny, and a crowd of others from the girls’ school push Felix and Bill out of the way to get to James.)
Jenny: Oh, James, you’re hurt! Let me kiss it better!
Melina: No, me, I shalt do that! (Ye girls swamp James, and all fall to the ground in a tangle of arms and legs.)
Bill: I don’t see Pussy Galore.
Felix: Thou must give me the name of thine oculist....
Comments
to come in as someone has called in sick. So It will be around 9 tonight before I can do any
long posts
Professor Horowitz : In keeping with the grand traditions of the school, today we have the Annual Stealth Cricket match.
Sometimes it can be over quite quickly, while other times it takes.... forever and a day …….
All areas of the school are in play. The teams have been chosen, the wickets are in hiding. I expect a god game showing
what you have been taught so far, and fair play from both teams ……..
Comte Blofeld : I hath made one change to my team, that new ginger boy who's here via an education grant
Professor Horowitz : Who ? …. The one who's always eating cheese ?
Comte Blofeld : Aye, Red Leister, so always carries a cheese cutting wire on him. We call him …. Red Grant.
Professor Horowitz : This is most irregular Blofeld, no late changes can be ……….
Comte Blofeld : They can be made, Remember when I first came here how you hated rule breaking, But I have
taught you how foolish that was, The change of player is perfectly allowed
Professor Horowitz : ( In a drone voice ) The change is perfectly allowable, ( Shaking his head clear ) Will thine
Uncle be commenting on the gane as usual ?
Comte Blofeld : Aye, Henry Blofeld will be giving his comments
( From the crowd Red Grant moves forward ….. }
Felix : I hear they used to call him Nashville because of his love of bluegrass music, but it was shortened to Nash.
( Sir James moves forward to Greet the new Boy )
Sir James : You look very Fit Nash.
Red Grant : Before this match is over, you'll crawl over here and kiss my ….
Sir James : Don't believe all thee reads on the privy walls …
Comte Blofeld : Come away Grant, Save thine anger for the sport !
( Grant cuts a piece of cheese with his cheese wire …)
Sir James : You should have some white lemonade with that, brings out the flavour.
Red Grant : I prefer the red kind
( Sir James raises an eyebrow at the comment, as Grant drinks from a bottle )
Comte Blofeld : Now gentlemen to Sport !
Hope this will do for a starting point.
Largo twins Emilio and Max, leading to a fight with Grant
Ending with the giant carp attack.
Act 2, Scene 1. Outside Foxhall Cross, ye pupils assemble before Headmaster M.
Headmaster M: Today, pupils, we shalt pay a courtesy visit to Lady Dench’s school and I expect you all to be on thine best behaviour. We shalt ride by carriage to ye lake, from whence we shall proceed by boat. Now, into ye carriages.
(Ernst and his friends get into one carriage together, rudely elbowing others out of their way. James, Felix and Bill travel with Geoffrey and are joined by Valentin, delayed by his limp.)
James: This sounds interesting, methinks.
Felix: Ye trip or ye girls?
James: Both!
Geoffrey: This carriage ist most fascinating. I fancy that I could make some modifications, if I could give it my undivided attention.
Bill: As long as thou brings it back in one piece.
James: Valentin, ‘twould seem that thou hath grown taller since only yesterday- hast thou had a growth spurt?
Valentin: Hm, canst thou not say “hello”, like a normal person?
great Henry Blofeld's commentary on the match …… )
Blowers : What a glorious day for the boys to be whacking those balls...…… on willow. As the School's
Golden Gun fires, it begins ! and young Sir James Bond is the first to bat. he's walking across the court yard
waiting for the first ball to be bowled, Many open windows, it could come from anywhere ……… for those new to
the game Stealth cricket or " Stickish" as the boys call it. Is played all over the school, on all floors, with runs
scored for distance and difficulty and a wicket being one of the shorter, younger boys. A direct hit on one wins
the game, if you can find them as they are hidden from sight.
There it is ground floor window, a fast ball ……… Oh well played young Sir James, out of the courtyard for a six.
But wait, another from the top foor, almost impossible speed from the bowler !
Sir James : How the hell did he get up there so fast ?
( Sir James quickly parries the ball away for only a single run Felix and Bill decide to investigate and run up to the
top floor in time to catch Emilio Largo, and question him )
Blowers : Well played Sir, now it's time for a change over as Young Francisco Scaramanga comes on the filed.
Sir James : Good day you've six chances to reverse the score.
Scaramanga : I only need One, Sir James.
( Sir James rushes up to join Felix and Bill )
Sir Bill : James, we've questioned him thoroughly
Sir James : So I see, ( as he points at the damp cloth and water bottles ) what have you learned so far.
Lord Felix : There are two Largo boys ! Max who's German and Emilio who's from Brazil
Sir James : The boys from Brazil ?
Sir Bill : aye, like the the forsyth twins Bruce and Frederick from last term.
Sir James : Clever as they be identical
Lord Felix : aye, except for his eye patch, white hair and being a foot shorted than Max.
Sir Bill : We've sent for Professor Horowitz and we expect Comte Blofeld will be disqualified and
have a smaked bottom before bed time.
( Later in Professor Horowitz study a bent over Blofeld is looking out a window as the sounds of
cane on bottom can be heard, through a single tear falling he utters an oath as he watches Sir James walking past )
Comte Blofeld :(Aside) Let his death be a particularly unpleasant and humiliating one
( As Sir James passes the yellow school carriage a hand pulls him in … )
Red Grant : So you're the one on your knees !
Sir James : I keep telling you not to believe what's written on the privy walls, Comte Blofeld writes most of that.
Red Grant : Time to cut you down a slice.
( They do fight with a vengeance, until in a full nelson Grant puts his cheese wire round Sir James's neck.. )
Red Grant : Time to get all " Choked up "
( Sir James reaches out an arm to try and reach his school compass in his doublet top pocket, and stabs Grant in the
arm with it. Grant screams and releases his grip, allowing Sir James to place the wire around Grant's neck )
Sir James : You took the words right out of my mouth !
(Sir James Kicks Grant out of the school carriage, sending him in to the decorative school fish pond. Although Many
fish had been adapted by wizards over time as defence fish. The biggest of which " Bruce" was half Carp and half
Great white shark …. )
Red Grant : I be only a little wet Sir James ……..
( Suddenly from behind him the great fish rises grabbing at Grant who struggles but is steadily pulled under. Sir James's
last sight of him, was Grant Half in the fish's mouth, spewing up some red lemonade, just as Sir Bill and Lord Felix arrive )
Sir Bill : Sir James are thee composed once more ? Where is Red Grant ?
Sir James : as Comte Vito Corleone would say, … He sleeps with the fishes
Needs some jokes etc, but it gives the basic idea.
Said his father was at school with Ian Fleming and
Fleming had " Borrowed " his name.
Act 1, Scene 4. In the courtyard Professor Horowitz addresses the students.
Professor Horowitz: In keeping with the grand traditions of the school, today we have the Annual Stealth Cricket match. Sometimes it can be over quite quickly, while other times it takes.... forever and a day. All areas of the school are in play. The teams have been chosen, the wickets are in hiding. I expect a good game showing what you have been taught so far, and fair play from both teams.
Ernst: I hath made one change to my team, that new ginger boy who's here via an education grant.
Professor Horowitz: Who? The one who's always eating cheese?
Ernst: Aye, Red Leicester, so he always carries a cheese cutting wire on him. We call him…. Red Grant.
Professor Horowitz: This is most irregular, young Blofeld, no late changes can be-
Ernst: They can be made. Remember when I first came here how you hated rule breaking? But I have
taught you how foolish that was. The change of player is perfectly allowable.
Professor Horowitz: (In a drone voice.) The change of player is perfectly allowable. (Shaking his head clear.) Will thine uncle be commenting on the game as usual?
Ernst: Aye, Henry Blofeld will be giving his comments.
(From the crowd Red Grant moves forward.)
Felix: I hear they used to call him Nashville because of his love of bluegrass music, but it was shortened to Nash.
(Sir James approaches to greet the new boy.)
James: You look very fit, Nash.
Red Grant: Before this match is over, you'll crawl over here and kiss my-
James: Don't believe all thee reads on the privy walls…
Ernst: Come away Grant, save thine anger for the sport!
(Grant cuts a piece of Red Leicester with his cheese wire…)
James: You should have some white lemonade with that, brings out the flavour.
Red Grant: I prefer the red kind.
(Sir James raises an eyebrow at the comment, as Grant drinks from a bottle.)
Ernst: Now gentlemen, to sport!
(In the main hall of the school a number of special guests and professors have gathered to listen to the great Henry Blofeld's commentary on the match.)
Blowers: What a glorious day for the boys to be whacking those balls...…… on willow. As the School's Golden Gun fires, it begins! And young Sir James Bond is the first to bat. He's walking across the courtyard waiting for the first ball to be bowled. Many open windows, it could come from anywhere. For those new to the game, Stealth cricket or "Stickish" as the boys call it, is played all over the school, on all floors, with runs scored for distance and difficulty and a wicket being one of the shorter, younger boys. A direct hit on one wins the game, if you can find them as they are hidden from sight. There it is- ground floor window, a fast ball……… Oh well played young Sir James, out of the courtyard for a six. But wait- another from the top floor, almost impossible speed from the bowler!
James: How the hell did he get up there so fast?
(James quickly parries the ball away for only a single run. Felix and Bill decide to investigate and run up to the top floor in time to catch Emilio Largo, and question him.)
Blowers: Well played Sir, now it's time for a change over as young Francisco Scaramanga comes on the field.
James: Good day, thou hast six chances to reverse the score.
Francisco: I only need one, Sir James.
(James rushes up to join Felix and Bill.)
Bill: James, we've questioned him thoroughly.
James: So I see (As he points at ye damp cloth and water bottles.). What have you learned so far?
Felix: There are two Largo boys! Max who's German and Emilio who's from Brazil.
James: The boy’s from Brazil?
Bill: Aye, like the Forsyth twins Bruce and Frederick from last term.
James: Clever, as they be identical.
Felix: Aye. Well, except for Emilio’s eye patch, white hair and being a foot shorter than Max.
Bill: We've sent for Professor Horowitz and we expect Comte Blofeld will be disqualified and
have a smacked bottom before bed time.
(Later in Professor Horowitz’s study, a bent over Ernst is looking out a window as the sounds of cane on bottom can be heard. Through a single tear falling he utters an oath as he watches James walking past.)
Ernst: (Aside.) Let his death be a particularly unpleasant and humiliating one.
(As James passes the yellow school carriage a gloved hand pulls him in.)
Red Grant: Now you're the one on your knees!
James: I keep telling you not to believe what's written on the privy walls, ye Comte de Blofeld writes most of that.
Red Grant: Time to cut you down a slice.
(They do fight with a vengeance, until in a full nelson Grant puts his cheese wire round Sir James's neck...)
Red Grant: Time to get all "choked up”.
(James reaches out an arm to try and reach his school compass in his doublet top pocket, and stabs Grant in the arm with it. Grant screams and releases his grip, allowing James to place the wire around Grant's neck.)
Sir James: You took the words right out of my mouth!
(Sir James kicks Grant out of the school carriage, sending him in to the decorative school fish pond. There many fish had been adapted by wizards over time as defence fish. The biggest of which, "Bruce" is half carp and half Great White Shark...)
Red Grant: I be only a little wet Sir James...
(Suddenly from behind him the great fish rises grabbing at Grant who struggles but is steadily pulled under. Sir James's last sight of him, is Grant half in the fish's mouth, spewing up some red lemonade, just as Bill and Felix arrive.)
Bill: Sir James are thee composed once more? Where is Red Grant?
James: As Comte Vito Corleone would say… He sleeps with the fishes.
Act 2, Scene 1. Outside Foxhall Cross, ye pupils assemble before Headmaster M.
Headmaster M: Today, pupils, we shalt pay a courtesy visit to Lady Dench’s school and I expect you all to be on thine best behaviour. We shalt ride by carriage to ye lake, from whence we shall proceed by boat. Now, into ye carriages.
(Ernst and his friends get into one carriage together, rudely elbowing others out of their way. James, Felix and Bill travel with Geoffrey and are joined by Valentin, delayed by his limp.)
James: This sounds interesting, methinks.
Felix: Ye trip or ye girls?
James: Both!
Geoffrey: This carriage ist most fascinating. I fancy that I could make some modifications, if I could give it my undivided attention.
Bill: As long as thou brought it back in one piece.
Geoffrey: Thine attention I crave, Sir James- behold this cleverly-concealed penknife!
James: Looks like a comb to me.
Geoffrey: That ist what I mean by “cleverly-concealed”- lo, just press here and-
James: - a blade emerges! Thou hast surprised thineself, Geoffrey.
Felix: Aye, it might come in useful.
Geoffrey: Here, conceal it up thine sleeve.
James: Driver, watch out for yon boy with green trainers! (Thump.)
Driver: Too late.
Felix: Do you think we shalt see him again?
Bill: I hope so.
James: Valentin, ‘twould seem that thou hath grown taller since only yesterday- hast thou had a growth spurt?
Valentin: Hm, canst thou not say “hello”, like a normal person?
Felix: Nay, ‘tis true what James says- one day thou may be a giant, or a half-giant anyway.
(They arrive at ye landing where a boat awaits, and line up to board. They art approached by an old gypsy woman selling lucky tarmac.)
Valentin: Hag- rid yourself of thine lucky charms and begone!
(Ye old gypsy runs off as ye boys get onboard. James notices Ernst whispering with his cronies.)
Ernst: (Whispering.).... midnight.... tuck shop... (Notices James standing close.) So, nice day, eh, Emilio? What do you think, fifteen degrees?
Emilio: Better than that- near twenty.
and begins to speak …. )
Prof Judi : It is known to many That I hath often enjoyed holding balls of some size here, and today is no exception
We have purchased the time of a local band of minstrels, who will play awhile for our entertainment. So please make
merry Before the arduous time for nothing but your studies begin.
Pussy Galore : Please show your appreciation for our great headmistress
( The boys begin the traditional chant ………)
Boys : There is nothing like a Dame, nothing in the world, that is anything like a dame !
( Sir James crosses to address Pussy )
James : So you're the famous Pussy Galore, ….. I must be dreaming
Pussy : I could very well be the girl of your dreams, but I have an appointment which cannot wait, goodbye
( James watches her cross the room to a set of stairs leading downwards …. )
Felix : What you thinking about brother.
James : About going down …..
Felix : Aye, Pussy has that effect on all the boys.
( James follows the stairs down and comes to a chamber, with a door ajar, he creeps up and listens )
Comte Blofeld : Good we might have been overheard at our own school, but here in the girls' school
magazine printing room we shall be quite safe from prying eyes. Gentlemen Man has made
many great achievements. We can send messages over vast distances via arrow, send huge rocks by Trebuchet
In every endeavour except …..
Solo : Medicine !
Comte Blofeld : WHAT ?
Solo : We have improved everything but not much has improved in Medicine , Bloody hell the school Apothecary
gave me a prescription for two leeches last week for a boil 0n my bum.
Comte Blofeld : Ugh ! where did he stick them ?
Solo : Nowhere, I had to suck two every morning !
Comte Blofeld : Anyway back to business Man had made many great achievements in many fields except …….
Solo : Speed !
Blofeld : What ?
Solo : Well we haven't really got any faster for years, One horse power is still the limit of ………
Blofeld : Can we get back to my plan, please gentlemen ( aside) Emilio and Max please Press home my
disappointment with Mr Solo.
( James heres a scuffle, and through a crack in the door sees Solo being pushed into the printing machine
which crushed him in print, as it lifts up across Solo's face is printed "Out Of Order" )
James : (aside) Talk about a pressing engagement
Blofeld : Now, do I have to Press anyone else for an opinion ? …. No ? ……. didn't think so.
( James moves a little to get a better view of the room )
Blofeld : We have had an amicable arrangement at school, I provide some home comforts which you sell on
my behalf, and we all make a handsome profit. Tonight I will lay out my most audacious plan yet …….
…. To steal the entire contents of the school tuck shop, not just a few sweetbreads, or sherbets but Everthing !
( Suddendly James is pushed roughly into the room )
Pussy : He was listening outside.
Blofeld : was he indeed, it's of no matter soon he wont be able to tell anyone anything, Leave us gentlemen so
I may speak with Bond.
(The others shuffle from the room, but one large Asian student remained, He helped out around the school and
cleaned out the latrines so was known as Oddjobby )
Blofeld : Sit down James, What do you think of my little plan, can you appreciate the grandness of my vision ?
James : Sounds impossible, You'll have about fifteen minutes before the school yeomanry make you put it all back.
Blofeld : ( Laughing ) What makes you think I intend to remove anything
James : ( Frowning ) You're not going to take anything ? But why ?
Pussy : Nice to see you don't know everything James
Blofeld : I hath been stockpiing my own formula of horrendous stink bomb, it is leathal.
James : Of Course, it will render all the stock useless, unsaleable ……… I'm guessing you've also been stockpiing
your own supply of sweetbreads and sherbet .
Blofeld : Very good James, I have indeed, and soon I expect to recoup my investment ten fold, But now you have
distracted me enough. Oddjobby Find somewhere to lock up James then meet up with all of us later.
Could we have a couple of lines at the start where Prof Judi introduces the girls? Archery champion Melina, etc, like you said earlier?
Interior of the grand hall of the girls' school. The boys line up as Professor Dame Judi introduces her girls and begins to speak….)
Prof Judi: It is known to many that I hath often enjoyed holding balls of some size here, and today is no exception. We have purchased the time of a local band of minstrels, who will play awhile for our entertainment. So please make merry before the arduous time for nothing but your studies begin.
Pussy Galore: Please show your appreciation for our great headmistress.
(The boys begin the traditional chant………)
Boys: There is nothing like a Dame, nothing in the world, that is anything like a Dame!
(Sir James crosses to address Pussy.)
James: So you're the famous Pussy Galore….. I must be dreaming.
Pussy: I could very well be the girl of your dreams, but I have an appointment which cannot wait, so goodbye.
(James watches her cross the room to a set of stairs leading downwards.)
Felix: What you thinking about, brother?
James: About going down…..
Felix: Aye, Pussy has that effect on all the boys.
(James follows the stairs down and comes to a chamber with a door ajar. He creeps up and listens.)
Ernst: Good, we might have been overheard at our own school, but here in the girls' school magazine printing room we shall be quite safe from prying eyes. Gentlemen: Man has made many great achievements. We can send messages over vast distances via arrow, send huge rocks by Trebuchet. In every endeavour except …..
Solo: Medicine!
Ernst: WHAT?
Solo: We have improved everything but not much has improved in Medicine. Bloody hell, the School Apothecary gave me a prescription for two leeches last week for a boil on my bum.
Ernst: Ugh! Where did he stick them?
Solo: Nowhere, I had to suck two every morning!
Ernst: Anyway, back to business. Man hath made many great achievements in many fields except…….
Solo: Speed!
Ernst: What?
Solo: Well we haven't really got any faster for years. One horse power is still the limit of………
Ernst: Can we get back to my plan, please gentlemen? (Aside.) Emilio and Max, please press home my disappointment with Master Solo.
(Solo turns to leave.)
Emilio: Going somewhere, Solo?
Solo: Yes, Emilio. As a matter of fact, I was just going to see your boss. Tell Ernst I won’t interrupt him again.
Max: It's too late. You should have paid attention when you had the chance. Ernst's put a price on your head so large that every boy in the school will be looking for you. I'm lucky I found you first.
Solo: Tell Ernst...
Emilio: Ernst's through with you. He has no time for boys who interrupt him at the first sign of a chance.
Solo: Over my dead body.
Max: That's the idea. I've been looking forward to this for a long time.
Solo: Yes, I'll bet you have.
(James hears a scuffle, and through a crack in the door sees Solo being pushed into the printing machine which crushes him in print, as it lifts up across Solo's face is printed "Out Of Order".)
James: (Aside.) Talk about a pressing engagement...
Ernst: Now, do I have to press anyone else for an opinion? ….No? …….Didn't think so.
(James moves a little to get a better view of the room.)
Ernst: We have had an amicable arrangement at school, I provide some home comforts which you sell on my behalf, and we all make a handsome profit. Tonight I will lay out my most audacious plan yet …….…. The entire contents of the school tuck shop, not just a few sweetbreads, or sherbets but everything!
(Suddenly James is pushed roughly into the room.)
Pussy: He was listening outside.
Ernst: Was he indeed? ‘Tis of no matter- soon he won’t be able to tell anyone anything. Leave us gentlemen so I may speak with young Bond.
(The others shuffle from the room, but one large Asian boy remains.)
Ernst: Please excuse my friend, James, he is an admirable assistant but mute. He helps out around the school and cleans out the latrines, so is known as Oddjobby.
Oddjobby: Ah-har!
Ernst: Sit down James, What do you think of my little plan, can you appreciate the grandness of my vision?
James: Sounds impossible, you'll have about fifteen minutes before the school yeomanry make you put it all back.
Ernst: (Laughing.) Who mentioned anything about removing it?
James: (Frowning.) You plan to break into the school’s largest sweet store and not steal anything? But why?
Pussy: Nice to see you don't know everything James.
Ernst: I hath been stockpiling my own formula of horrendous stink bomb, it is small but particularly dirty. I have tried
23 formulas before this, but Number 24 is the most potent!
Pussy: 'Tis lethal.
James: But of course! ‘Twill render all the stock useless, unsaleable……… I'm guessing you've also been stockpiling your own supply of sweetbreads and sherbet.
Ernst: Very good James, I have indeed, and soon I expect to recoup my investment tenfold. But now you have distracted me enough. Oddjobby- find somewhere to lock up James then meet up with all of us later.
Ernst: I hath been stockpiling my own formula of horrendous stink bomb, it is small but particularly dirty. I have tried
23 formulas before this, but Number 24 is the most potent !
Pussy : It's lethal.
Edit: That's it in now.
Act 2, Scene 2. An easily escapable chamber. Oddjobby ties James to ye wall and departs.
James: Fiend! Come back!
(After a few moments, James figures out that he ist being left alone.)
James: Hmm, now what was it Geoffrey did say...?
(James manages to free ye comb from his sleeve and presses where Geoffrey had shown him. Ye blade emerges, and he manages to cut through his ropes and free himself.)
James: Now, let’s get out of here!
Perhaps he should link up with one of the girls (plus Felix etc) but then what? Does he confront Ernst while on the boat back across the lake, or should we have a midnight showdown near the tuck shop?
Couple of the girls, for a midnight showdown with Blofeld.
Boys: There is nothing like a Dame, nothing in the world, that is anything like a Dame!
(James casually wanders over to ye refreshment table, where two of ye girls art serving fruit punch.)
Girl: Some punch, young sir?
James: Aye, let it shaken be but not stirred. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. What ist thy name, fair maiden?
Some flirting dialogue, then James follows Pussy (doesn't he always?). The girl he flirts with later helps him to get a boat (or something) to get back to his school.
Act 2, Scene 1. Interior of the grand hall of the girls' school. The boys line up as Professor Dame Judi introduces her girls and begins to speak….
Professor Judi: Welcome, boys of Foxhall Cross, to our school. Here, we have many classes for young ladies in ye skills they shalt undoubtedly need when they encounter future agents of discretion, or mayhap become such themselves. Let me present our head girl, Miss Pussy Galore....
(Four girls enter, carrying a kitty litter upon which sits ye most glamorous Miss Pussy Galore.)
Professor Judi: ...who ist our judo champion. Next ist our supreme archery contender, Melina Havelock, and our award-winning horse rider, Jenny Flex.
(Melina displays her archery talents by unerringly firing a shot from her crossbow at the centre of a target. Jenny falls asleep on her horse as she enters.)
Professor Judi: Jenny! Wake up!
(Startled, Jenny awakes and smiles weakly.)
Professor Judi: No more early morning rides for thee.
(James notices Melina looking interestedly at him, and gives her a smile.)
Professor Judi: It is known to many that I hath often enjoyed holding balls of some size here, and today is no exception. We have purchased the time of a local band of minstrels, who will play awhile for our entertainment. So please make merry before the arduous time for nothing but your studies begin.
Pussy Galore: Please show your appreciation for our great headmistress.
(The boys begin the traditional chant………)
Boys: There is nothing like a Dame, nothing in the world, that is anything like a Dame!
(James casually wanders over to ye refreshment table, where Melina and Jenny art serving fruit punch. Jenny goes to serve James but ist elbowed out of ye way by Melina.)
Melina: Some punch, young sir?
James: Aye, let it shaken be but not stirred. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. So, thine name ist Melina, then?
Melina: Aye, art thou interested in archery?
James: Nay, not at all, tis thee I am interested in!
Melina: Why, young Sir James, I had hoped thee would not be so obvious.
James: Well, when one hast little time one sort of has to be obvious. In which room doth thee sleep, Melina?
Melina: ‘Tis not ye sort of question a lady would answer. Room 24, second corridor.
James: Perhaps later, then?
Melina: I should say “maybe”...
James: Later then... maybe.
(Sir James crosses to address Pussy.)
Please feel free to alter this!
Act 2, Scene 2. An easily escapable chamber. Oddjobby ties James to ye wall and departs.
James: Fiend! Come back!
(After a few moments, James figures out that he ist being left alone.)
James: Hmm, now what was it Geoffrey did say...?
(James manages to free ye comb from his sleeve and presses where Geoffrey had shown him. Ye blade emerges, and he manages to cut through his ropes and free himself.)
James: Now, let’s get out of here!
(James climbs back up ye stairs and finds that ye great hall ist empty.)
James: Heavens, how long was I down there? I must make for ye boat!
(James runs out of ye school and heads to ye landing, only to see the boat in the distance.)
James: I must find a way to get back to Foxhall Cross, apace, to foil Ernst de Blofeld’s nefarious plans- but how? ....Melina...
(James runs back to ye girls’ school, and heads straight to ye second corridor.)
James: Let em see... Number 23... aha, Number 24!
(James knocks softly on ye door.)
Melina: Yes?
(James quietly enters Melina’s room.)
Melina: Thou dost presume a great deal, James.
James: Wouldst thine feelings be greatly hurt if I were to say that ist not what I came for?
Melina: No? What do thee want then?
James: Ye boat back to mine school hast departed and ‘tis most important that I return there apace.
Melina: I see. And you figured you could charm ye knowledge out of me.
James: No. That wasn't my plan.
Melina: I do not expect thee to understand- thou art English.
James: Scots/Swiss actually, but many make that mistake.
Melina: Well, I suppose my co-operation could have a price.
James: You don’t mean... oh, no...
Melina: Oh yes!
(After a discreet interval, Melina leads James to a pier.)
Melina: Here thou shalt find a small canoe thou can use to get across ye lake. It belongs to one of ye girls called Honey, but she ist always busy playing with her seashells.
James: I thank’ee, Melina.
(James gets into ye boat and casts off.)
Melina: I prithee, do not forget to write...
James: (Softly.) Felix? Wake up, Felix.
Felix: (Asleep.)... oh yes please... I would love that... James... (Awakes.) Oh! James! ‘Tis really thee!
James: Thine help I need, Felix, and apace- Ernst hast a scheme which we must avert.
Felix: Now? ‘Tis almost midnight!
James: Exactly. Let us awake Bill and I shalt explain.
(Later, at ye tuck shop...)
Ernst: Once there was a dream, now there ist reality. Julius, place ye stink bomb in ye midst of yon sweetmeats. Emilio, watch ye door.
(Enter James, Felix and Bill.)
James: I think it not, Comte de Blofeld.
Ernst: Bond! Thou art too late, methinks.
Professor Higson: What ist happening here? Hast thee all got some kind of blood fever?
James: Nay, Professor- let me explain...
Bill: So, James, thou hast thwarted ye plans of Ernst de Blofeld.
James: Aye, for ye moment.
Felix: Methinks he willst have learned his lesson and never trouble us again.
James: Never sayest thou never again, Lord Felix...
Feel free to add to or alter any of that!
We could stop there or carry on, of course.
Is nursed by several of the girls ? Perhaps pushing past Felix and
Bill to get to James.
Act 2, Scene 4. Outside Foxhall Cross. Ye sounds of Ernst, Julius and Emilio being soundly caned doth echo across ye courtyard.
Bill: So, James, thou hast thwarted ye plans of Ernst de Blofeld.
James: (Arm in a sling.) Aye, for ye moment.
Felix: Methinks he willst have learned his lesson and never trouble us again.
James: Never sayest thou never again, Lord Felix...
(From off a cry ist heard.)
Melina: James!
(Melina, Jenny, and a crowd of others from the girls’ school push Felix and Bill out of the way to get to James.)
Jenny: Oh, James, you’re hurt! Let me kiss it better!
Melina: No, me, I shalt do that!
(Ye girls swamp James, and all fall to the ground in a tangle of arms and legs.)
Bill: I don’t see Pussy Galore.
Felix: Thou must give me the name of thine oculist....
(Exeunt Omnes.)
Thunderpussy, Barbel