Ok, done that. Next (and please alter this any way)
Act 3, Scene 1.The throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory.
Sir Gareth: A new number thou wilt have to be assigned, Sir James, since we have a new Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Humph... Aye...
Sir Gareth: Maid Moneypenny, have you found ye new number?
Maid Moneypenny: Well, Number 24 is vacant...
Sir Gareth: Aye, we have all noticed that.
Maid Moneypenny: ...but I think 69 would be more appropriate.
William of Tanner: Or, as Sir James has been known to call it, "dinner for two".
Sir Gareth: Tanner, tell Naught Naught Seven to join us.
William of Tanner: Aye, mine liege. (Exit William of Tanner.)
Sir Gareth: It is to be hoped that thou art fit for service, 69.
Sir James: Of course, mine liege. I have been on a strict diet with much exercise.
Maid Moneypenny: Of thine form of exercise I have no doubt, Naught Naught- I mean 69.
Sir James: Well, among other things. (William of Tanner enters, accompanied by a tall distinguished lady.)
Sir Gareth: Now, Naught Naught Seven...
Sir James: Aye, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: Not you. (Sir James quietly fumes.) Naught Naught Seven, meet 69.
Naught Naught Seven: Most pleased I am to meet thee, 69.
Sir James: And I to meet thee, Naught Nau... Naught Naught Sev... (Ye words "Naught Naught Seven" stick in his throat.)
Naught Naught Seven: Oh, just call me Lashana.
Sir Gareth sends them to compete at archery, swordfighting, etc, and she beats him easily. (The trick here is to avoid it seeming like the re-training sequence in SF) Plenty of jokes about Sir James's new number, and work in references to Tom and Chris in JBR, Calvin in Myweeklybond as N24 says. Perhaps they could be targets for the archery?
Sir Gareth: It is my plan to send the two of you to find the missing alchemist*. Suspicion has fallen upon a rich scoundrel called Sir Malik Mercury. Naught Naught Seven, hast thou found out anything about him yet?
Naught Naught Seven: Alas, I was unable to penetrate his intimate circle.
Sir Gareth: Mayhap the two of you together might be able to. He is at present in Italy, and mine informants tell me he is leaning towards Pisa.
Sir James: Ah, ye birthplace of Galileo.
William of Tanner: Galileo?
Sir James: Galileo.
Naught Naught Seven: We shalt depart for there at once.
* who doesn't have a name yet. Call him Mr Fahrenheit?
Perhaps the podcasters can be heralds, shouting out reports and rumours about Sir James' exploits?
Or perhaps they are writing Penny Dreadfuls about Sir James? I like this idea.
Act 3, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory.
Sir Gareth: A new number thou wilt have to be assigned, Sir James, since we have a new Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Humph... Aye...
Sir Gareth: Maid Moneypenny, have you found ye new number?
Maid Moneypenny: Well, Number 24 is vacant...
Sir James : I believe he is, ..... most of ye time
Sir Gareth: Aye, we have all noticed that.
Maid Moneypenny : With the recent retirement of Sir Lou Bega, Mambo number 5 is available
Sir Gareth : That band of knights posing as Troubadours, .. um ...Maroon 5 ?
Sir James : They hath become more successful as balladers, so have left her Majesties Secret
service.
Maid Moneypenny: ...but I think ... Oh it was on the tip of my tongue a moment ago ....
...... 69 would be more appropriate.
William of Tanner: Or, as Sir James has been known to call it, "dinner for two".
Sir James : Please, don't give me any lip about it
Sir Gareth: Tanner, tell Naught Naught Seven to join us.
William of Tanner: Aye, mine liege.
(Exit William of Tanner.)
Sir Gareth: It is to be hoped that thou art fit for service, 69.
Sir James: Of course, mine liege. I have been on a strict diet with much exercise. Although
I'm sure given my new number, I'll soon be Licked in to shape ?
Maid Moneypenny: Of thine form of exercise I have no doubt, Naught Naught- I mean 69.
Sir James: Well, among other things.
(William of Tanner enters, accompanied by a tall distinguished lady.)
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir Gareth: Now, Naught Naught Seven...
Sir James: Aye, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: Not you. (Sir James quietly fumes.) Naught Naught Seven, meet 69.
Naught Naught Seven: Most pleased I am to meet thee, 69.
Sir James: And I to meet thee, Naught Nau... Naught Naught Sev... (Ye words "Naught Naught Seven" stick in his throat.) You may have my number, you can take my name
But you’ll never have my......
Naught Naught Seven: Oh, I may have "That" too, until then just call me Lashana.
Sir Gareth : Now 69, please follow Naught,Naught, Seven and she wilst reveal unto you our
many new and improved ways of serving Her Majesty.
( Exit 69 and 007 )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Exterior courtyard of a castle , where many knights are jousting )
Lady Lashana : Much has changed Sir James since your Time. Or the Old days as we Know
them.
Sir James : So I've heard, no more "Man Talk" lines, or Legions of bikini clad maidens sitting
around a pool for no reason.
( two knights pass by talking one sketching on a parchement ..... )
Sir Tom : ....and this was where 007 was trained, that post was the very one the old alchemist
threw his bollas around
Sir Chris : I just quickly get a sketch of it ( He moves towards the Lady Lashana ) pardon
mistress but could you take a quick sketch of us beside this post, so we can post it or
"Upload it " to the town notice board, for our Followers to see.
Lady Lashana : Oh how marvellous, is it the one beside that oddly shaped pipe ?
Sir Tom & Sir Chris : Aye, on U-Tube !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
( Lady Lashana leads Sir james to a table full of weapons )
Sir James : ( picks up a knife ) Is this a dagger which I see before Me ? , ... this the
cutting edge equipment you speak of ?
( without looking He throws it at a target, hitting the bullseye )
Lady Lashana: Impressive, But there was actually poison hidden in its handle ......
( she too throws a knife, which also hits the bulls eye )
Sir james : Lucky shot ! are you as good with something, .... Longer ?
Lady Lashana : Oh My Sir James, what did you have in mind, just what are you
concealing in those hose ? or are you just pleased to to see me ?
Sir James : That be'ith my short sword, for stealthy sword play.
( From under her garments, a sword appears in Lady Lashan's hand .. )
Lady Lashana : Mines bigger.
Sir James : size isn't important, it's what you do with it.
( They begin to fight, each countering each others moves )
Lady Lashana : There are those that say Sir James is most dangerous with his
hand around a shaft ........................................ of a weapon.
Sir James : Don't believe all you've read on the privy walls M'Lady, be carful thee
doth not injure one's pretty nails on so sharp a blade.
Lady Lashana : I think yee shall find my Tounge will be sharp enough to injure thee !
( They continue to fight matching each others attacks and counter moves ending with
both with a sword blade to their throat )
Sir James : Lets have no more cutting remarks
Lady Lashana : I knew you were a sharp one Sir James. and to the point, it seems.
Sir James : what say you we, call ourselves equals and partake of some mead and a
white wine for the Lady ? Many of my lady acquaintances have also claimed to be
equal to me.
Lady Lashana : I too enjoy a tankard of mead, shaken or stirred, want to join me
Sir James : Good to see my successor is keeping up some of the old ways.
( They call over a young knight dressed in a white tunic and a trained black bat on his
collar and a selection of mead in small caskets on a belt )
Sir James : Two meads that are shaken not stirred, my good man
Sir Calvin : My top ten meads are always on me, starting with the 62, and 63 but it wasn't
until the 64 that they got the mix right and it became the archetypal version. Which was
remade several times.
Sir James : Thank you but just the two meads that be'ith shaken not stirred.
( Sir Calvin pours the drinks , then hurrys away when his trained bat flies off )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir Gareth: It is my plan to send the two of you to find the missing alchemist. Lord Fahrenheit or
by the code cypher " Important Missing Alchemist "
Suspicion has fallen upon a rich scoundrel called Sir Malik Mercury. Naught Naught Seven, hast thou found out anything about him yet?
Naught Naught Seven: He likes long walks in the forest, the poetry of Christopher Marlowe,
needlepoint of cute kittens, paintings by Nicholas Hilliard and sketcking his meals to post to friends.
Sir Gareth : Hath he many friends ?
Naught,Naught,Seven : Although a public figure he hath many private parts, which he exposes
only occasionally.
Sir Gareth : Have you seen his Private parts ?
Naught,Naught,Seven : Nay ! He has aTight circle of friends, which I've tried to join, bending over
backwards but alas, I was unable to penetrate his intimate circle.
Sir Gareth: Mayhap the two of you together might be able to. He is at present in Italy, and mine informants tell me he is leaning towards Pisa.
Sir James: Ah, ye birthplace of Galileo.
William of Tanner: Galileo?
Sir James: Galileo. magnifico
Naught Naught Seven: We shalt depart for there at once.
As always, please feel free to add/change anything {[]
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 3, Scene 1.The throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory.
Sir Gareth: A new number thou wilt have to be assigned, Sir James, since we have a new Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Humph... Aye...
Sir Gareth: Maid Moneypenny, have you found ye new number?
Maid Moneypenny: Well, Number 24 is vacant…
Sir James: I believe he is.... most of ye time.
Sir Gareth: Aye, we have all noticed that.
Maid Moneypenny: With the recent retirement of Sir Lou Bega, Mambo number 5 is available.
Sir Gareth: That band of knights posing as troubadours... um… Maroon 5?
Sir James: They hath become more successful as balladeers, so have left her Majesty’s Secret Service.
Maid Moneypenny: ...but I think... Oh it was on the tip of my tongue a moment ago... 69 would be more appropriate.
William of Tanner: Or, as Sir James has been known to call it, "dinner for two".
Sir James: Please, don't give me any lip about it.
Sir Gareth: Tanner, tell Naught Naught Seven to join us.
William of Tanner: Aye, mine liege. (Exit William of Tanner.)
Sir Gareth: It is to be hoped that thou art fit for service, 69.
Sir James: Of course, mine liege. I have been on a strict diet with much exercise. Although I'm sure given my new number, I'll soon be licked into shape?
Maid Moneypenny: Of thine form of exercise I have no doubt, Naught Naught- I mean 69.
Sir James: Well, among other things. (William of Tanner enters, accompanied by a tall distinguished lady.)
Sir Gareth: Now, Naught Naught Seven...
Sir James: Aye, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: Not you. (Sir James quietly fumes.) Naught Naught Seven, meet 69.
Naught Naught Seven: Most pleased I am to meet thee, 69.
Sir James: And I to meet thee, Naught Nau... Naught Naught Sev... (Ye words "Naught Naught Seven" stick in his throat.) You may have my number, you can take my name, but you’ll never have my......
Naught Naught Seven: Oh, I may have "That" too, until then just call me Lashana.
Sir Gareth: Now 69, please follow Naught Naught Seven and she willst reveal unto you our many new and improved ways of serving Her Majesty. (Exit 69 and Naught Naught Seven.)
(Ye exterior courtyard of a castle, where many knights are jousting.
Lady Lashana: Much has changed Sir James since your time. Or ye Old Days as we know them.
Sir James: So I've heard, no more "Man Talk" lines, or legions of bikini clad maidens sitting around a pool for no reason. (Two knights pass by talking, one sketching on a parchment.)
Sir Tom: ....and this was where Naught Naught Seven was trained, that post was the very one ye Old Wizard threw his bolas around.
Sir Chris: I’ll just quickly get a sketch of it. (He moves towards the Lady Lashana.) Pardon mistress, but could you take a quick sketch of us beside this post, so we can post it or "Upload it " to the town notice board, for our followers to see?
Lady Lashana: Oh how marvellous, is it the one beside that oddly shaped pipe?
Sir Tom & Sir Chris: Aye, on U-Tube! Hopefully it won't end up as a penny dreadful.
(Lady Lashana leads Sir James to a table full of weapons.)
Sir James: (Picking up a knife.) Is this a dagger which I see before me? And is this the cutting edge equipment you speak of? (Without looking he throws it at a target, hitting the bullseye.)
Lady Lashana: Impressive, but there was actually poison hidden in its handle.... (She too throws a knife, which also hits the bullseye.)
Sir James: Lucky shot! Are you as good with something... longer?
Lady Lashana: Oh my Sir James, what did you have in mind? And just what are you concealing in those hose... or are you just pleased to to see me?
Sir James: That be'eth my short sword, for stealthy sword play. (From under her garments, a sword appears in Lady Lashana's hand.)
Lady Lashana: Mine’s bigger.
Sir James: Size isn't important, it's what you do with it. (They begin to fight, each countering ye others moves.)
Lady Lashana: There are those that say Sir James is most dangerous with his hand around a shaft............ of a weapon.
Sir James: Don't believe all you've read on the privy walls m’lady, be careful thee doth not injure one's pretty nails on so sharp a blade.
Lady Lashana: I think ye shall find my tongue will be sharp enough to injure thee! (They continue to fight matching each others attacks and counter moves ending with both with a sword blade to their throat.)
Sir James: Let’s have no more cutting remarks.
Lady Lashana: I knew you were a sharp one Sir James. and to the point, it seems.
Sir James: What say you, we call ourselves equals and partake of some mead and a white wine for the lady? Many of my lady acquaintances have also claimed to be equal to me.
Lady Lashana: I too enjoy a tankard of mead, shaken or stirred, care to join me?
Sir James: Good to see my successor is keeping up some of the old ways. (They call over a young knight dressed in a white tunic with a trained black bat on his collar and a selection of meads in small caskets on a belt.)
Young Calvin: Good evening, Mr Bond fans.
Sir James: Two meads that are shaken not stirred, my good man.
Young Calvin: My top ten meads are always on me, starting with the 62 and 63, but it wasn't until the 64 that they got the mix right and it became the archetypal version. Which was remade several times.
Sir James: Thank you but just the two meads that be'eth shaken not stirred. (Young Calvin pours the drinks, then hurries away when his trained bat flies off.)
(Later in ye throne room of Sir Gareth.)
Sir Gareth: It is my plan to send the two of you to find the missing alchemist. Lord Fahrenheit, also known by the code cypher "Important Missing Alchemist". Suspicion has fallen upon a rich scoundrel called Sir Malik Mercury. Naught Naught Seven, hast thou found out anything about him yet?
Lady Lashana: He likes long walks in ye forest, ye poetry of Christopher Marlowe, needlepoint of cute kittens, paintings by Nicholas Hilliard and sketching his meals to post to friends.
Sir Gareth: Hath he many friends?
Lady Lashana: Although a public figure he hath many private parts, which he exposes only occasionally.
Sir Gareth: Have you seen his private parts?
Lady Lashana: Nay, he has a tight circle of friends which I've tried to join, bending over backwards but alas, I was unable to penetrate his intimate circle.
Sir Gareth: Mayhap the two of you together might be able to. He is at present in Italy, and mine informants tell me he is leaning towards Pisa.
Sir James: Ah, ye birthplace of Galileo.
William of Tanner: Galileo?
Sir James: Galileo.
All: Magnifico!
Lady Lashana: We shalt depart for there at once.
I think we should wait until another few photos
Etc, as we might be nowhere near the true
Story line but at least the locations and a few
Scenes might be similar, in that ours will be
Obviously superior :007)
a thought about producers, .... calling a servant for veggies ?
" Barbara, Broccoli " or * Albert,Our Broccoli " ..... " Michael, Gee Wilson is good at ..... "
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
I'm staying clear of the spoiler thread (unless I get called in ) so please put general ideas found there here to be worked on- at least it passes the time while waiting!
or do you have an idea where to take the story ? {[]
Well, it will probably be very different from the real thing but I was thinking
1) Put James, Lushana and Felix on a boat to Italy. Some varlets attack them and are of course defeated.
2) In Pisa they meet Malik and attempt to penetrate his intimate circle. Lushana tries to seduce him but he's more attracted to James (Felix makes a joke about sacrificing yourself while on a mission). Queen jokes?
3) James is in a tricky position (chase scene?) and is rescued by Madeleine.
1) Put James, Lushana and Felix on a boat to Italy. Some varlets attack them and are of course defeated.
James & co have difficulty driving their chariot to the boat since the streets are crowded with citizens celebrating a royal birth. To board the boat, they make some comment about how travel to Europe will be more difficult in the future owing to the bands of Brexiteers.
There could be a cruise ship or galleon heading to Italy, perhaps called something like
The wandering Higgins ( given his love of crusing ) With a line on arriving, about it
didn't take long with Sir James saying something about use of a montage ?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Act 3, Scene 2. Sir James and Lady Lashana meet Lord Felix outside.
Sir James: So, to Italy we are bound. Art thou travelling with us, Lord Felix?
Lord Felix: But of course. Alas, mine chariot remains in Jamaica… or possibly Cuba.
Lady Lashana: ‘Tis no problem, ye Young Wizard hath furnished me with transport- this way! (Lady Lashana leads Sir James and Lord Felix to a magnificent chariot, fashioned by ye DB5th Earl of Aston and ye Viscount Martin.)
Lord Felix: Most impressive.
Lady Lashana: Aye, ye Young Wizard always reserves his best for Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ….aye… ‘tis so… (They enter ye chariot and set off through ye streets of London, heading for ye port of Dover.)
Lady Lashana: ‘Twill not take us long, if we avoid ye M25.
Lord Felix: Ye streets seems unusually busy.
Sir James: Hast thou not heard? One of ye Royal Princesses hast given birth to a new Prince. (Crowds flock ye streets, waving flags. A band sings “Good Morning London Town.)
Sir James: Take heed, milady, watch out for yon man with green- (Thump.)
Sir James: … trainers.
Lady Lashana: What?
Sir James: Never mind.
(They arrive at Dover and head to ye docks where they art met by a steward.)
Lord Felix: I believe this is our boat, here.
Steward: Thine documents of travel, I prithee. (Sir James and Lady Lashana art guided aboard immediately, but Lord Felix ist delayed while ye stewards examine his documents and likeness, assess his history, take his shoe size, etc, before allowing him to embark.)
Lord Felix: What a rigorous ritual... eh ..... Steward Windrush?
Sir James: ‘Tis because though art from ye Colonies, mine friend, whilst Lady Lashana and myself art part of Europe.
Lord Felix: Only for ye moment, Sir James, only for ye moment. Thou had better get used to more difficult travel in ye future.
Sir James: But mine travel documents will be of a beautiful blue colour.
Lady Lashana: Let us find our cabins… ah, here we are. I shalt be in this chamber here, whilst thee and Lord Felix shalt share ye chamber yonder.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) I had anticipated… alternative arrangements.
Lady Lashana: No doubt, 69. .
Lord Felix: (Aside.) I can bet Sir James was thinking of a ..69 ..
Sir James: (Heading to ye chamber.) I hope thou does not snore, Felix.
Lord Felix: A nightcap?
Sir James: Nay, I don't wear one.
(Next morning, at sea. Sir James walks ye deck, to be joined by Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: ‘Tis my feeling thou art not too happy about this lady bearing thine number, Sir James.
Sir James: Really? Whatever gave you that idea?
Lord Felix: Oh, just a wild guess. (Sir James's eye twitches, and he crushes the empty tankard in his hand.)
Sir James: For many years I have been Naught Naught Seven. ‘Tis part of mine identity. It doth cause me great distress to see another with that designation.
Lord Felix: And yet, I would have thought 69 to be right in thine, er, ballpark. (They art joined by Lady Lashana.)
Lady Lashana: It’s a beautiful day! I see you've both been exercising, Have you the Quoits?
Sir James: Nay, no problems there since I last had the island beans, but aye- t'is a lovely
day, made in heaven.
Lord Felix: Look yonder, another ship doth approach us.
Lady Lashana: Mayhap they just wish to say hello?
Sir James: I fear not- they art on an attack course, and look at her colours, ye dreaded black flag with crossed green footwear...!
Lord Felix: Buccaneers?
Sir James: Nay, far worse- Brexiteers!!!
(Ye other ship sails straight to theirs, close enough for them to read “HMS Wandering Higgins” painted on its side. A voice ist heard.)
Voice: Ahoy, Europe lovers! Stand by to be boarded! ... Waaa... wiff waff .... way hay!!!
Sir James: ‘Tis their dreaded leader, Cap’n Boris!
Lord Felix: I thought their leader was Cap’n Theresa?
Sir James: Nay, she keeps herself well hidden these days. Look, Cap'n Theresa has painted some red lines, so they'll soon be crossing them!
Lord Felix: Look in that little dinghy behind, is that who I think it is?
Sir James: Cry havoc, Lord Felix, 'tis the dreaded of all Brexiteers, the ferocious Farage!! Quick, to arms!
Lady Lashana: And what of Cap'n Theresa's opponent, Jolly Jeremy?
Sir James: Mayhap one day he will be of use but meantime we must fight! (Hordes of Brexiteers board their vessel. Crying “Majority rules!” they assail ye passengers and crew. Sir James beats them off with his sword. Lord Felix mans a cannon and blows holes in their ship. Lady Lashana lynches their leaders. Eventually ye Brexiteers are beaten back and sail away.)
Lord Felix: ‘Twas a close call.
Sir James: Just like their referendum…
Lady Lashana: Look, Italy ist ahead!
Lord Felix: That did not take long.
Sir James: Lord Felix, remember how we played sport, drank in the ship's tavern, did gamble in the ship's casino, swam in the pool, and danced the night away to ye Barry Manilow tribute band, had that pillow fight in the evening and you awoke next morn with your hand betwixt two pillows, but in reality t'was between my.....
Lord Felix: (Hastily.) With vagary, I was very, very drunk at the time.
Sir James: ....hast thou never heard of a montage?
(They arrive at Dover and head to ye docks where they art met by a steward.)
Lord Felix: I believe this is our boat, here.
Steward: Thine documents of travel, I prithee.
(Sir James and Lady Lashana art guided aboard immediately, but Lord Felix ist delayed while ye stewards examine his documents and likeness, assess his history, take his shoe size, etc, before allowing him to embark.)
Lord Felix: What a rigorous ritual!... eh ..... Steward Windrush ?
Sir James: ‘Tis because though art from ye Colonies, mine friend, whilst Lady Lashana and myself art part of Europe.
Lord Felix: Only for ye moment, Sir James, only for ye moment. Thou had better get used to more difficult travel in ye future.
Sir James : But mine travel documents will be of a beautiful blue colour.
Lady Lashana: Let us find our cabins… ah, here we are. I shalt be in this chamber here, whilst thee and Lord Felix shalt share ye chamber yonder.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) I had anticipated… alternative arrangements.
Lady Lashana: No doubt, 69.
Lord Felix : ( aside ) I can bet Sir James was thinking of a ..69 ..
Sir James: (Heading to ye chamber.) I hope thou does not snore, Felix.
Lord Felix : a nightcap ?
Sir James : Nay, I don't wear one.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
There should be some sort of joke here. Bond should say, do or wear something to cause Felix to bring up the subject - pershaps something juvenile?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis my feeling thou art not too happy about this lady bearing thine number, Sir James.
Sir James: Really? Whatever gave you that idea?
Lord Felix: Oh, just a wild guess.
(Next morning, at sea. Sir James walks ye deck, to be joined by Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: ‘Tis my feeling thou art not too happy about this lady bearing thine number, Sir James.
( Sir James's eye twitches, and he crushes the empty tankard in his hand )
Sir James: Really? Whatever gave you that idea?
Lord Felix: Oh, just a wild guess.
Sir James: For many years I have been Naught Naught Seven. ‘Tis part of mine identity. It doth cause me great distress to see another with that designation.
Lord Felix: And yet, I would have thought 69 to be right in thine, er, ballpark.
(They art joined by Lady Lashana.)
Lady Lashana: It’s a beautiful day! I see you've both been exercising, Have you the Quoits ?
Sir James : Nay, no problems there since I last had the Island beans, but Aye- t'is a lovely
day, made in heaven.
Lord Felix: Look yonder, another ship doth approach us.
Lady Lashana: Mayhap they just wish to say hello?
Sir James: I fear not- they art on an attack course, and look at her colours, The dreaded black
flag with crossed green footwear !
Lord Felix: Buccaneers?
Sir James: Nay, far worse- Brexiteers!!!
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Comments
I would like to see the line: "I was/wasn't able to penetrate his intimate circle" at some time.
Act 3, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory.
Sir Gareth: A new number thou wilt have to be assigned, Sir James, since we have a new Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Humph... Aye...
Sir Gareth: Maid Moneypenny, have you found ye new number?
Maid Moneypenny: Well, Number 24 is vacant...
Sir Gareth: Aye, we have all noticed that.
Maid Moneypenny: ...but I think 69 would be more appropriate.
William of Tanner: Or, as Sir James has been known to call it, "dinner for two".
Sir Gareth: Tanner, tell Naught Naught Seven to join us.
William of Tanner: Aye, mine liege.
(Exit William of Tanner.)
Sir Gareth: It is to be hoped that thou art fit for service, 69.
Sir James: Of course, mine liege. I have been on a strict diet with much exercise.
Maid Moneypenny: Of thine form of exercise I have no doubt, Naught Naught- I mean 69.
Sir James: Well, among other things.
(William of Tanner enters, accompanied by a tall distinguished lady.)
Sir Gareth: Now, Naught Naught Seven...
Sir James: Aye, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: Not you. (Sir James quietly fumes.) Naught Naught Seven, meet 69.
Naught Naught Seven: Most pleased I am to meet thee, 69.
Sir James: And I to meet thee, Naught Nau... Naught Naught Sev... (Ye words "Naught Naught Seven" stick in his throat.)
Naught Naught Seven: Oh, just call me Lashana.
Sir Gareth sends them to compete at archery, swordfighting, etc, and she beats him easily. (The trick here is to avoid it seeming like the re-training sequence in SF) Plenty of jokes about Sir James's new number, and work in references to Tom and Chris in JBR, Calvin in Myweeklybond as N24 says. Perhaps they could be targets for the archery?
Sir Gareth: It is my plan to send the two of you to find the missing alchemist*. Suspicion has fallen upon a rich scoundrel called Sir Malik Mercury. Naught Naught Seven, hast thou found out anything about him yet?
Naught Naught Seven: Alas, I was unable to penetrate his intimate circle.
Sir Gareth: Mayhap the two of you together might be able to. He is at present in Italy, and mine informants tell me he is leaning towards Pisa.
Sir James: Ah, ye birthplace of Galileo.
William of Tanner: Galileo?
Sir James: Galileo.
Naught Naught Seven: We shalt depart for there at once.
* who doesn't have a name yet. Call him Mr Fahrenheit?
Or perhaps they are writing Penny Dreadfuls about Sir James? I like this idea.
Sir Gareth: A new number thou wilt have to be assigned, Sir James, since we have a new Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Humph... Aye...
Sir Gareth: Maid Moneypenny, have you found ye new number?
Maid Moneypenny: Well, Number 24 is vacant...
Sir James : I believe he is, ..... most of ye time
Sir Gareth: Aye, we have all noticed that.
Maid Moneypenny : With the recent retirement of Sir Lou Bega, Mambo number 5 is available
Sir Gareth : That band of knights posing as Troubadours, .. um ...Maroon 5 ?
Sir James : They hath become more successful as balladers, so have left her Majesties Secret
service.
Maid Moneypenny: ...but I think ... Oh it was on the tip of my tongue a moment ago ....
...... 69 would be more appropriate.
William of Tanner: Or, as Sir James has been known to call it, "dinner for two".
Sir James : Please, don't give me any lip about it
Sir Gareth: Tanner, tell Naught Naught Seven to join us.
William of Tanner: Aye, mine liege.
(Exit William of Tanner.)
Sir Gareth: It is to be hoped that thou art fit for service, 69.
Sir James: Of course, mine liege. I have been on a strict diet with much exercise. Although
I'm sure given my new number, I'll soon be Licked in to shape ?
Maid Moneypenny: Of thine form of exercise I have no doubt, Naught Naught- I mean 69.
Sir James: Well, among other things.
(William of Tanner enters, accompanied by a tall distinguished lady.)
Sir James: Aye, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: Not you. (Sir James quietly fumes.) Naught Naught Seven, meet 69.
Naught Naught Seven: Most pleased I am to meet thee, 69.
Sir James: And I to meet thee, Naught Nau... Naught Naught Sev... (Ye words "Naught Naught Seven" stick in his throat.) You may have my number, you can take my name
But you’ll never have my......
Naught Naught Seven: Oh, I may have "That" too, until then just call me Lashana.
Sir Gareth : Now 69, please follow Naught,Naught, Seven and she wilst reveal unto you our
many new and improved ways of serving Her Majesty.
( Exit 69 and 007 )
Lady Lashana : Much has changed Sir James since your Time. Or the Old days as we Know
them.
Sir James : So I've heard, no more "Man Talk" lines, or Legions of bikini clad maidens sitting
around a pool for no reason.
( two knights pass by talking one sketching on a parchement ..... )
Sir Tom : ....and this was where 007 was trained, that post was the very one the old alchemist
threw his bollas around
Sir Chris : I just quickly get a sketch of it ( He moves towards the Lady Lashana ) pardon
mistress but could you take a quick sketch of us beside this post, so we can post it or
"Upload it " to the town notice board, for our Followers to see.
Lady Lashana : Oh how marvellous, is it the one beside that oddly shaped pipe ?
Sir Tom & Sir Chris : Aye, on U-Tube !
Sir James : ( picks up a knife ) Is this a dagger which I see before Me ? , ... this the
cutting edge equipment you speak of ?
( without looking He throws it at a target, hitting the bullseye )
Lady Lashana: Impressive, But there was actually poison hidden in its handle ......
( she too throws a knife, which also hits the bulls eye )
Sir james : Lucky shot ! are you as good with something, .... Longer ?
Lady Lashana : Oh My Sir James, what did you have in mind, just what are you
concealing in those hose ? or are you just pleased to to see me ?
Sir James : That be'ith my short sword, for stealthy sword play.
( From under her garments, a sword appears in Lady Lashan's hand .. )
Lady Lashana : Mines bigger.
Sir James : size isn't important, it's what you do with it.
( They begin to fight, each countering each others moves )
Lady Lashana : There are those that say Sir James is most dangerous with his
hand around a shaft ........................................ of a weapon.
Sir James : Don't believe all you've read on the privy walls M'Lady, be carful thee
doth not injure one's pretty nails on so sharp a blade.
Lady Lashana : I think yee shall find my Tounge will be sharp enough to injure thee !
( They continue to fight matching each others attacks and counter moves ending with
both with a sword blade to their throat )
Sir James : Lets have no more cutting remarks
Lady Lashana : I knew you were a sharp one Sir James. and to the point, it seems.
Sir James : what say you we, call ourselves equals and partake of some mead and a
white wine for the Lady ? Many of my lady acquaintances have also claimed to be
equal to me.
Lady Lashana : I too enjoy a tankard of mead, shaken or stirred, want to join me
Sir James : Good to see my successor is keeping up some of the old ways.
( They call over a young knight dressed in a white tunic and a trained black bat on his
collar and a selection of mead in small caskets on a belt )
Sir James : Two meads that are shaken not stirred, my good man
Sir Calvin : My top ten meads are always on me, starting with the 62, and 63 but it wasn't
until the 64 that they got the mix right and it became the archetypal version. Which was
remade several times.
Sir James : Thank you but just the two meads that be'ith shaken not stirred.
( Sir Calvin pours the drinks , then hurrys away when his trained bat flies off )
I Wonder how long it willbe until one of the actresses in Bond25 say she's Bond's equal. It's a tradition now :007)
Sir Gareth: It is my plan to send the two of you to find the missing alchemist. Lord Fahrenheit or
by the code cypher " Important Missing Alchemist "
Suspicion has fallen upon a rich scoundrel called Sir Malik Mercury. Naught Naught Seven, hast thou found out anything about him yet?
Naught Naught Seven: He likes long walks in the forest, the poetry of Christopher Marlowe,
needlepoint of cute kittens, paintings by Nicholas Hilliard and sketcking his meals to post to friends.
Sir Gareth : Hath he many friends ?
Naught,Naught,Seven : Although a public figure he hath many private parts, which he exposes
only occasionally.
Sir Gareth : Have you seen his Private parts ?
Naught,Naught,Seven : Nay ! He has aTight circle of friends, which I've tried to join, bending over
backwards but alas, I was unable to penetrate his intimate circle.
Sir Gareth: Mayhap the two of you together might be able to. He is at present in Italy, and mine informants tell me he is leaning towards Pisa.
Sir James: Ah, ye birthplace of Galileo.
William of Tanner: Galileo?
Sir James: Galileo. magnifico
Naught Naught Seven: We shalt depart for there at once.
As always, please feel free to add/change anything {[]
Act 3, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory.
Sir Gareth: A new number thou wilt have to be assigned, Sir James, since we have a new Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Humph... Aye...
Sir Gareth: Maid Moneypenny, have you found ye new number?
Maid Moneypenny: Well, Number 24 is vacant…
Sir James: I believe he is.... most of ye time.
Sir Gareth: Aye, we have all noticed that.
Maid Moneypenny: With the recent retirement of Sir Lou Bega, Mambo number 5 is available.
Sir Gareth: That band of knights posing as troubadours... um… Maroon 5?
Sir James: They hath become more successful as balladeers, so have left her Majesty’s Secret Service.
Maid Moneypenny: ...but I think... Oh it was on the tip of my tongue a moment ago... 69 would be more appropriate.
William of Tanner: Or, as Sir James has been known to call it, "dinner for two".
Sir James: Please, don't give me any lip about it.
Sir Gareth: Tanner, tell Naught Naught Seven to join us.
William of Tanner: Aye, mine liege.
(Exit William of Tanner.)
Sir Gareth: It is to be hoped that thou art fit for service, 69.
Sir James: Of course, mine liege. I have been on a strict diet with much exercise. Although I'm sure given my new number, I'll soon be licked into shape?
Maid Moneypenny: Of thine form of exercise I have no doubt, Naught Naught- I mean 69.
Sir James: Well, among other things.
(William of Tanner enters, accompanied by a tall distinguished lady.)
Sir Gareth: Now, Naught Naught Seven...
Sir James: Aye, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: Not you. (Sir James quietly fumes.) Naught Naught Seven, meet 69.
Naught Naught Seven: Most pleased I am to meet thee, 69.
Sir James: And I to meet thee, Naught Nau... Naught Naught Sev... (Ye words "Naught Naught Seven" stick in his throat.) You may have my number, you can take my name, but you’ll never have my......
Naught Naught Seven: Oh, I may have "That" too, until then just call me Lashana.
Sir Gareth: Now 69, please follow Naught Naught Seven and she willst reveal unto you our many new and improved ways of serving Her Majesty.
(Exit 69 and Naught Naught Seven.)
(Ye exterior courtyard of a castle, where many knights are jousting.
Lady Lashana: Much has changed Sir James since your time. Or ye Old Days as we know them.
Sir James: So I've heard, no more "Man Talk" lines, or legions of bikini clad maidens sitting around a pool for no reason.
(Two knights pass by talking, one sketching on a parchment.)
Sir Tom: ....and this was where Naught Naught Seven was trained, that post was the very one ye Old Wizard threw his bolas around.
Sir Chris: I’ll just quickly get a sketch of it. (He moves towards the Lady Lashana.) Pardon mistress, but could you take a quick sketch of us beside this post, so we can post it or "Upload it " to the town notice board, for our followers to see?
Lady Lashana: Oh how marvellous, is it the one beside that oddly shaped pipe?
Sir Tom & Sir Chris: Aye, on U-Tube! Hopefully it won't end up as a penny dreadful.
(Lady Lashana leads Sir James to a table full of weapons.)
Sir James: (Picking up a knife.) Is this a dagger which I see before me? And is this the cutting edge equipment you speak of?
(Without looking he throws it at a target, hitting the bullseye.)
Lady Lashana: Impressive, but there was actually poison hidden in its handle....
(She too throws a knife, which also hits the bullseye.)
Sir James: Lucky shot! Are you as good with something... longer?
Lady Lashana: Oh my Sir James, what did you have in mind? And just what are you concealing in those hose... or are you just pleased to to see me?
Sir James: That be'eth my short sword, for stealthy sword play.
(From under her garments, a sword appears in Lady Lashana's hand.)
Lady Lashana: Mine’s bigger.
Sir James: Size isn't important, it's what you do with it.
(They begin to fight, each countering ye others moves.)
Lady Lashana: There are those that say Sir James is most dangerous with his hand around a shaft............ of a weapon.
Sir James: Don't believe all you've read on the privy walls m’lady, be careful thee doth not injure one's pretty nails on so sharp a blade.
Lady Lashana: I think ye shall find my tongue will be sharp enough to injure thee!
(They continue to fight matching each others attacks and counter moves ending with both with a sword blade to their throat.)
Sir James: Let’s have no more cutting remarks.
Lady Lashana: I knew you were a sharp one Sir James. and to the point, it seems.
Sir James: What say you, we call ourselves equals and partake of some mead and a white wine for the lady? Many of my lady acquaintances have also claimed to be equal to me.
Lady Lashana: I too enjoy a tankard of mead, shaken or stirred, care to join me?
Sir James: Good to see my successor is keeping up some of the old ways.
(They call over a young knight dressed in a white tunic with a trained black bat on his collar and a selection of meads in small caskets on a belt.)
Young Calvin: Good evening, Mr Bond fans.
Sir James: Two meads that are shaken not stirred, my good man.
Young Calvin: My top ten meads are always on me, starting with the 62 and 63, but it wasn't until the 64 that they got the mix right and it became the archetypal version. Which was remade several times.
Sir James: Thank you but just the two meads that be'eth shaken not stirred.
(Young Calvin pours the drinks, then hurries away when his trained bat flies off.)
(Later in ye throne room of Sir Gareth.)
Sir Gareth: It is my plan to send the two of you to find the missing alchemist. Lord Fahrenheit, also known by the code cypher "Important Missing Alchemist". Suspicion has fallen upon a rich scoundrel called Sir Malik Mercury. Naught Naught Seven, hast thou found out anything about him yet?
Lady Lashana: He likes long walks in ye forest, ye poetry of Christopher Marlowe, needlepoint of cute kittens, paintings by Nicholas Hilliard and sketching his meals to post to friends.
Sir Gareth: Hath he many friends?
Lady Lashana: Although a public figure he hath many private parts, which he exposes only occasionally.
Sir Gareth: Have you seen his private parts?
Lady Lashana: Nay, he has a tight circle of friends which I've tried to join, bending over backwards but alas, I was unable to penetrate his intimate circle.
Sir Gareth: Mayhap the two of you together might be able to. He is at present in Italy, and mine informants tell me he is leaning towards Pisa.
Sir James: Ah, ye birthplace of Galileo.
William of Tanner: Galileo?
Sir James: Galileo.
All: Magnifico!
Lady Lashana: We shalt depart for there at once.
Option 2) Wait for more clues from the filming to write speculative scenes from
Option 3) Carry on- Sir James, Lashana and Felix catch a boat to Italy, are attacked by henchmen, discuss their plans...
Etc, as we might be nowhere near the true
Story line but at least the locations and a few
Scenes might be similar, in that ours will be
Obviously superior :007)
a thought about producers, .... calling a servant for veggies ?
" Barbara, Broccoli " or * Albert,Our Broccoli " ..... " Michael, Gee Wilson is good at ..... "
Dunno about veg jokes!
Sir Tom & Sir Chris: Aye, on U-Tube!
Sir James: Hopefully it won't end up as a Penny Dreadful!
Well, it will probably be very different from the real thing but I was thinking
1) Put James, Lushana and Felix on a boat to Italy. Some varlets attack them and are of course defeated.
2) In Pisa they meet Malik and attempt to penetrate his intimate circle. Lushana tries to seduce him but he's more attracted to James (Felix makes a joke about sacrificing yourself while on a mission). Queen jokes?
3) James is in a tricky position (chase scene?) and is rescued by Madeleine.
Done!
James & co have difficulty driving their chariot to the boat since the streets are crowded with citizens celebrating a royal birth. To board the boat, they make some comment about how travel to Europe will be more difficult in the future owing to the bands of Brexiteers.
The wandering Higgins ( given his love of crusing ) With a line on arriving, about it
didn't take long with Sir James saying something about use of a montage ?
Act 3, Scene 2. Sir James and Lady Lashana meet Lord Felix outside.
Sir James: So, to Italy we are bound. Art thou travelling with us, Lord Felix?
Lord Felix: But of course. Alas, mine chariot remains in Jamaica… or possibly Cuba.
Lady Lashana: ‘Tis no problem, ye Young Wizard hath furnished me with transport- this way!
(Lady Lashana leads Sir James and Lord Felix to a magnificent chariot, fashioned by ye DB5th Earl of Aston and ye Viscount Martin.)
Lord Felix: Most impressive.
Lady Lashana: Aye, ye Young Wizard always reserves his best for Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ….aye… ‘tis so…
(They enter ye chariot and set off through ye streets of London, heading for ye port of Dover.)
Lady Lashana: ‘Twill not take us long, if we avoid ye M25.
Lord Felix: Ye streets seems unusually busy.
Sir James: Hast thou not heard? One of ye Royal Princesses hast given birth to a new Prince.
(Crowds flock ye streets, waving flags. A band sings “Good Morning London Town.)
Sir James: Take heed, milady, watch out for yon man with green-
(Thump.)
Sir James: … trainers.
Lady Lashana: What?
Sir James: Never mind.
(They arrive at Dover and head to ye docks where they art met by a steward.)
Lord Felix: I believe this is our boat, here.
Steward: Thine documents of travel, I prithee.
(Sir James and Lady Lashana art guided aboard immediately, but Lord Felix ist delayed while ye stewards examine his documents and likeness, assess his history, take his shoe size, etc, before allowing him to embark.)
Lord Felix: What a rigorous ritual... eh ..... Steward Windrush?
Sir James: ‘Tis because though art from ye Colonies, mine friend, whilst Lady Lashana and myself art part of Europe.
Lord Felix: Only for ye moment, Sir James, only for ye moment. Thou had better get used to more difficult travel in ye future.
Sir James: But mine travel documents will be of a beautiful blue colour.
Lady Lashana: Let us find our cabins… ah, here we are. I shalt be in this chamber here, whilst thee and Lord Felix shalt share ye chamber yonder.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) I had anticipated… alternative arrangements.
Lady Lashana: No doubt, 69. .
Lord Felix: (Aside.) I can bet Sir James was thinking of a ..69 ..
Sir James: (Heading to ye chamber.) I hope thou does not snore, Felix.
Lord Felix: A nightcap?
Sir James: Nay, I don't wear one.
(Next morning, at sea. Sir James walks ye deck, to be joined by Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: ‘Tis my feeling thou art not too happy about this lady bearing thine number, Sir James.
Sir James: Really? Whatever gave you that idea?
Lord Felix: Oh, just a wild guess.
(Sir James's eye twitches, and he crushes the empty tankard in his hand.)
Sir James: For many years I have been Naught Naught Seven. ‘Tis part of mine identity. It doth cause me great distress to see another with that designation.
Lord Felix: And yet, I would have thought 69 to be right in thine, er, ballpark.
(They art joined by Lady Lashana.)
Lady Lashana: It’s a beautiful day! I see you've both been exercising, Have you the Quoits?
Sir James: Nay, no problems there since I last had the island beans, but aye- t'is a lovely
day, made in heaven.
Lord Felix: Look yonder, another ship doth approach us.
Lady Lashana: Mayhap they just wish to say hello?
Sir James: I fear not- they art on an attack course, and look at her colours, ye dreaded black flag with crossed green footwear...!
Lord Felix: Buccaneers?
Sir James: Nay, far worse- Brexiteers!!!
(Ye other ship sails straight to theirs, close enough for them to read “HMS Wandering Higgins” painted on its side. A voice ist heard.)
Voice: Ahoy, Europe lovers! Stand by to be boarded! ... Waaa... wiff waff .... way hay!!!
Sir James: ‘Tis their dreaded leader, Cap’n Boris!
Lord Felix: I thought their leader was Cap’n Theresa?
Sir James: Nay, she keeps herself well hidden these days. Look, Cap'n Theresa has painted some red lines, so they'll soon be crossing them!
Lord Felix: Look in that little dinghy behind, is that who I think it is?
Sir James: Cry havoc, Lord Felix, 'tis the dreaded of all Brexiteers, the ferocious Farage!! Quick, to arms!
Lady Lashana: And what of Cap'n Theresa's opponent, Jolly Jeremy?
Sir James: Mayhap one day he will be of use but meantime we must fight!
(Hordes of Brexiteers board their vessel. Crying “Majority rules!” they assail ye passengers and crew. Sir James beats them off with his sword. Lord Felix mans a cannon and blows holes in their ship. Lady Lashana lynches their leaders. Eventually ye Brexiteers are beaten back and sail away.)
Lord Felix: ‘Twas a close call.
Sir James: Just like their referendum…
Lady Lashana: Look, Italy ist ahead!
Lord Felix: That did not take long.
Sir James: Lord Felix, remember how we played sport, drank in the ship's tavern, did gamble in the ship's casino, swam in the pool, and danced the night away to ye Barry Manilow tribute band, had that pillow fight in the evening and you awoke next morn with your hand betwixt two pillows, but in reality t'was between my.....
Lord Felix: (Hastily.) With vagary, I was very, very drunk at the time.
Sir James: ....hast thou never heard of a montage?
Lord Felix: I believe this is our boat, here.
Steward: Thine documents of travel, I prithee.
(Sir James and Lady Lashana art guided aboard immediately, but Lord Felix ist delayed while ye stewards examine his documents and likeness, assess his history, take his shoe size, etc, before allowing him to embark.)
Lord Felix: What a rigorous ritual!... eh ..... Steward Windrush ?
Sir James: ‘Tis because though art from ye Colonies, mine friend, whilst Lady Lashana and myself art part of Europe.
Lord Felix: Only for ye moment, Sir James, only for ye moment. Thou had better get used to more difficult travel in ye future.
Sir James : But mine travel documents will be of a beautiful blue colour.
Lady Lashana: Let us find our cabins… ah, here we are. I shalt be in this chamber here, whilst thee and Lord Felix shalt share ye chamber yonder.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) I had anticipated… alternative arrangements.
Lady Lashana: No doubt, 69.
Lord Felix : ( aside ) I can bet Sir James was thinking of a ..69 ..
Sir James: (Heading to ye chamber.) I hope thou does not snore, Felix.
Lord Felix : a nightcap ?
Sir James : Nay, I don't wear one.
Lord Felix: ‘Tis my feeling thou art not too happy about this lady bearing thine number, Sir James.
Sir James: Really? Whatever gave you that idea?
Lord Felix: Oh, just a wild guess.
Lord Felix: ‘Tis my feeling thou art not too happy about this lady bearing thine number, Sir James.
( Sir James's eye twitches, and he crushes the empty tankard in his hand )
Sir James: Really? Whatever gave you that idea?
Lord Felix: Oh, just a wild guess.
Sir James: For many years I have been Naught Naught Seven. ‘Tis part of mine identity. It doth cause me great distress to see another with that designation.
Lord Felix: And yet, I would have thought 69 to be right in thine, er, ballpark.
(They art joined by Lady Lashana.)
Lady Lashana: It’s a beautiful day! I see you've both been exercising, Have you the Quoits ?
Sir James : Nay, no problems there since I last had the Island beans, but Aye- t'is a lovely
day, made in heaven.
Lord Felix: Look yonder, another ship doth approach us.
Lady Lashana: Mayhap they just wish to say hello?
Sir James: I fear not- they art on an attack course, and look at her colours, The dreaded black
flag with crossed green footwear !
Lord Felix: Buccaneers?
Sir James: Nay, far worse- Brexiteers!!!