Sir James, Lady Lashana and Lord Felix arrive at the Hammer, a tavern in ye shadow of the famous Tower of Pisa.
Lady Lashana: Now, is everyone clear about our plan?
Sir James: But of course. Lord Felix and I shalt have a few drinks at ye bar, whilst thou do find out where Sir Malik Mercury is to be found. I shalt then challenge him to whichever game he is playing, defeat him effortlessly, and depart with the beautiful maiden who had been sitting with him.
Lord Felix: Art thou sure that will work, Sir James?
Sir James: Well, it has worked twenty-four times previously….
Lady Lashana: I think mine plan ist better. I shalt encourage him to come away with me to a place of solitude, where both of thee shalt be waiting.
Sir James: Well, we shalt see how it goes. (They enter ye establishment.)
Lady Lashana: I do believe that is he over there, at a gaming table playing chemin de fer.
Lord Felix: Not poker, then?
Sir James: Not this time. (Sir James sits at ye gaming table and calls for chips. After some misunderstanding involving deep-fried potatoes, he is able to play.)
Sir James: Banco. (Across the table sits Sir Malik Mercury, accompanied by a stunningly beautiful young maiden.)
Sir Malik: Ah, a new player. May I be permitted to know thine name?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sir Malik: Doubtless thou knowest mine identity. And this ist Paloma.
Paloma: Most pleased to meet thee, good sir.
Sir James: And I thee. Come, let us play! (Lady Lashana sits next to Sir Malik.)
Lady Lashana: Tell me, how ist it that thou do seem to win so frequently?
Sir Malik: It's a kind of magic.
Sir James: Well, now I'm here. (Ye cards are dealt, and Sir James wins.)
Sir Malik: So! Shall we play again?
Sir James: Aye, the show must go on.
Lady Lashana: Thou seems to be out of luck this evening, Sir Malik.
Sir Malik: Aye, ‘tis so.
Lady Lashana: Mayhap I could change that for thee?
Sir Malik: I thank’ee, sweet lady, but I prefer to play the game.
Sir James: Then shall we double the stakes?
Sir Malik: I have no objection. (They play, and Sir James wins again.)
Felix needs a few lines; Sir Malik makes it clear he prefers Sir James to Lady Lashana; when James respectfully declines (Felix makes some jokes) Paloma decides to leave with him; Sir Malik sends his men Roger, Brian and John after them. Then we get the chase scene in which James trips as above.
Lady Lashana: Thou seems to be out of luck this evening, Sir Malik.
Sir Malik: Aye, ‘tis so.
Lady Lashana: Mayhap I could change that for thee?
Sir Malik: I thank’ee, sweet lady, but I prefer to play the game.
Sir James: Then shall we... double the stakes?
Sir Malik: I have no objection.
Lord Felix: Take care, Sir James.
Sir James: Oh, ‘tis super easy- barely an inconvenience. (They play, and Sir James wins again.)
Sir Malik: Thou surely hast a talent for this game, Sir James.
Sir James: ‘Tis merely one of many.
Sir Malik: Mayhap we shalt find out if that ist true, later. Come, let us drink together. (Sir Malik heads for the bar, with Paloma on his arm. Sir James heads there too.)
Lady Lashana: (Aside to Lord Felix.) Should I go too?
Lord Felix: Nay, methinks Sir James ist more his cup of tea.
Paloma: Of thee I have heard, Sir James, thou hast fine testimonials.
Sir James: ‘Tis these tights again, I must find a thicker denier.
Sir Malik; What would thou drink, mine friend? I willst have ye finest champagne in ye house!
Paloma: And for me, too.
Sir James: I willst have mead- let it shaken be, and not stirred. (A steward approaches.)
Steward: Thine pardon, Sir Malik, but a message hast come for thee.
Sir Malik: Excuse me a moment, Sir James, I am sure that Paloma will keep thee entertained. (Exits.)
Sir James: Hast thou know Sir Malik long?
Paloma: Nay, not long. I met him one night at the opera.
Sir James, Lady Lashana and Lord Felix arrive at the Hammer, a tavern in ye shadow of the famous Tower of Pisa.
Lady Lashana: Now, is everyone clear about our plan?
Sir James: But of course. Lord Felix and I shalt have a few drinks at ye bar, whilst thou do find out where Sir Malik Mercury is to be found. I shalt then challenge him to whichever game he is playing, defeat him effortlessly, and depart with the beautiful maiden who had been sitting with him.
Lord Felix: Art thou sure that will work, Sir James?
Sir James: Well, it has worked twenty-four times previously….
Lady Lashana: I think mine plan ist better. I shalt encourage him to come away with me to a place of solitude, where both of thee shalt be waiting.
Sir James: Well, we shalt see how it goes.
(They enter ye establishment. The tavern is full of smoke, music and excitement ....)
Lord Felix ; T'is a den of iniquity, ful of the lowest knaves of the kingdom.
Passing Lady : Why, greetings Lord Felix, you back for .....
Lord Felix : Be gone, strange woman, whom I hath never met before !
Sir James : Hey, Not So fast Lord Felix, I might have at least have gotten her calling card.
Lady Lashana : Tty the notice by the wheel by the pawn shop
Sir James : Ah yes ? Pawn Hub
Lord Felix : Any sign of Sir Malik ?
Lady Lashana: I do believe that is he over there, at a gaming table
Sir James : That b'eith amazing, do ye have second sight ?
Lady Lashana: Nay, One Vision. He looks to be playing chemin de fer.
Lord Felix: Not poker, then?
Sir James: I can not see what he's sitting on ! ..... Oh Poker ? Nay, Not this time.
Lord Felix : I hope your card skills are as good as when you played those two Serbians ?
Sir James : Aye, t'was indeed a game of two Slavs. Now I shall away.
(Sir James sits at ye gaming table and calls for chips. After some misunderstanding involving deep-fried potatoes, he is able to play.)
Sir James: Banco.
(Across the table sits Sir Malik Mercury, accompanied by a stunningly beautiful young maiden.)
Sir Malik: Ah, a new player. May I be permitted to know thine name?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sir Malik: Doubtless thou knowest mine identity. And this ist Paloma.
Paloma: Most pleased to meet thee, good sir.
Sir James: And I thee. Come, let us play!
(Lady Lashana sits next to Sir Malik.)
Lady Lashana: Tell me, how ist it that thou do seem to win so frequently?
Sir Malik: It's a kind of magic.
Sir James: Well, now I'm here.
(Ye cards are dealt, and Sir James wins.)
Sir Malik: So! Shall we play again?
Sir James: Aye, the show must go on.
( after much card play, Sir James looks to be losing ........ )
Sir Malik : T'would seem I'm too good for you Sir James
Sir James ; Then why don't we change the game, and the stakes ?
Sir Malik : Hath you something in mind ?
Sir James : T'is all the rage at court, ..... Snap !
Sir Malik : Indeed a game of great skill, very well, we shall play after all
These are the days of our lives, and the nights of ..... ?
( They begin to play..... another Montage of cards on table, and hands reaching for chips ..... )
Sir James : Lord Felix come join our revelry, and bring mead that is shaken not stirred.
Lord Felix : You are in good spirits Sir James, has luck been a lady tonight ?
Sir James : Aye, ... Sir Malik has thine cod piece slipped ?
( Sir Malik looks down for a second as Sir James, slaps a card on the pile shouting SNAP !! )
Sir Malik : What ? How ? ........ You bloody Che......
Lord Felix : Now Sir Malik , Play the game. all t'is fair and above board
Sir Malik : Forgive me gentlemen, T'would seem I have lost
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Lady Lashana: Thou seems to be out of luck this evening, Sir Malik.
Sir Malik: Aye, ‘tis so.
Lady Lashana: Mayhap I could change that for thee?
Sir Malik: I thank’ee, sweet lady, but I prefer to play the game.
Sir James: Then shall we... double the stakes?
Sir Malik: I have no objection.
Lord Felix: Take care, Sir James.
Sir James: Oh, ‘tis super easy- barely an inconvenience.
(They play, and Sir James wins again.)
Sir Malik: Thou surely hast a talent for this game, Sir James.
Sir James: ‘Tis merely one of many.
Sir Malik: Mayhap we shalt find out if that ist true, later. Come, let us drink together.
(Sir Malik heads for the bar, with Paloma on his arm. Sir James heads there too.)
Lady Lashana: (Aside to Lord Felix.) Should I go too?
Lord Felix: Nay, methinks Sir James ist more his cup of tea.
( They arrive at the bar, but wirh Sir James on Sir Maliks arm .... )
Paloma: Of thee I have heard, Sir James, thou hast fine testimonials.
Sir James: ‘Tis these tights again, I must find a thicker denier.
Sir Malik; What would thou drink, mine friend? I willst have ye finest champagne in ye house!
Paloma: And for me, too.
Sir James: I willst have mead- let it shaken be, and not stirred.
Sir Malik : and some nibbles, tell me Sir James doth thee enjoy Oysters or Snails ?
Sir James : To be honest, I'm more a large frankfurter guy. Nearly choked on a big one
but I manage to swallow quite a lot !
Sir Malik : ( Wide Eyed ) ....That I would'st like to see ........
(A steward approaches.)
Steward: Thine pardon, Sir Malik, but a message hast come for thee.
Sir Malik: Excuse me a moment, Sir James, I am sure that Paloma will keep thee entertained. (Exits.)
Sir James: Hast thou know Sir Malik long?
Paloma: Nay, not long. I met him one night at the opera.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir James: Hast thou known Sir Malik long?
Paloma: Nay, not long. I met him one night at the opera.
Sir James: Followed by a day at ye races?
Paloma: Nay, we didst go to Norway or some such place. ‘Twas hard to tell.
Sir James: Hmm, Norway, eh?
(In a room off ye tavern, Sir Malik talks to three men.)
Sir Malik: Tell me, I prithee, what hast thou found out about our new friend?
Brian: (Tall, with much curly hair.) He ist Sir James Bond, an agent of discretion sent from Albion.
Roger: (Shorter, blond hair.) ‘Tis said that he ist licenced to kill, and bears ye number Naught Naught Seven.
Sir Malik: So! Methinks he should be dispatched with much haste- action this day!
Brian: Aye, we shalt give him the works.
Roger: We will not let him go.
Sir Malik: Wait until he ist outside- no scandal, we do not want this to be ye news of the world.
(At ye bar.)
Sir James: So, where art thou off to next?
Paloma: Sir Malik hath not told me. In truth, I do tire of not being in his confidence.
Sir James: Mayhap thou would prefer to come with me?
Paloma: Aye, mayhap.
Sir James: Lo, Sir Malik doth approach- come with me, apace.
(Sir James leads Paloma quickly to ye door, joined by Lord Felix and Lady Lashana. Sir Malik sends a signal to Roger, Brian and John who follow them outside.)
Lord Felix: Apace, this way!
Sir James: Come, Paloma!
(They run down an alley, but trip over a pile of unused play scripts. Some are labelled “Purvis/Wade”, some “Hodge”, and so forth. They are set on by Sir Malik’s bandmates… er, henchmen and in ye fight Lady Lashana ist slain.)
Sir James: Lashana…
Lord Felix: No time to grieve, Sir James, this way!
(Lord Felix helps a limping Sir James to his feet, with Paloma on his arm, and they make their escape.)
Paloma: How ist thine ankle. Sir James?
Sir James: Most painful- I fear I may be out of commission for about two weeks.
Sir James: Hast thou known Sir Malik long?
Paloma: Nay, not long. I met him one night at the opera.
Sir James: Followed by a day at ye races?
Paloma: Nay, we didst go to Norway or some such place. ‘Twas hard to tell.
Sir James: Hmm, Norway, eh?
(In a room off ye tavern, Sir Malik talks to three men.)
Sir Malik: Tell me, I prithee, what hast thou found out about our new friend?
Brian: (Tall, with much curly hair.) He ist Sir James Bond, an agent of discretion sent from Albion.
Roger: (Shorter, blond hair.) ‘Tis said that he ist licenced to kill, and bears ye number Naught Naught Seven.
Sir Malik: So! Methinks he should be dispatched with much haste- action this day!
Brian: Aye, we shalt give him the works.
Roger: We will not let him go.
Sir Malik: Wait until he ist outside- no scandal, we do not want this to be ye news of the world.
(At ye bar.)
Sir James: So, where art thou off to next?
Paloma: Sir Malik hath not told me. In truth, I do tire of not being in his confidence.
Sir James : Paloma ...
Paloma : Faith, tells me he may never let me probe his inner circle.
Sir James: Mayhap thou would prefer to come with me?... and probe away ?
Paloma: Aye, mayhap.Ye look like a gentleman.
Sir James: Lo, Sir Malik doth approach- come with me, apace.
(Sir James leads Paloma quickly to ye door, joined by Lord Felix and Lady Lashana. Sir Malik sends a signal to Roger, Brian and John who follow them outside, and throw large nuts at them.. )
Lord Felix, They're Nuts Sir James !
Sir James: Aye, they should "Pecan" someone their own size
( Lord Felix looks sternly at Sir James )
Lord Felix: Apace, this way!
Sir James: Come, Paloma!
(They run down an alley, but trip over a pile of unused play scripts. Some are labelled “Purvis/Wade”, some “Hodge”, and so forth. They are set on by Sir Malik’s bandmates… er, henchmen ..... )
Lady Lashana : Here Sir James, crouch down behind this pile of naughty Nanny parchments.
Sir James : Nay, We must keep moving......
( The backing band of knaves push at the parchments causing them to Topol over crushing the
Lady Lashana !)
Knaves : Too much love will kill you !
Sir James: Lashana…
Lord Felix: No time to grieve, Sir James, this way!
(Lord Felix helps a limping Sir James to his feet, with Paloma on his arm, and they make their escape.)
Paloma: How ist thine ankle. Sir James?
Sir James: Most painful- I fear I may be out of commission for about two weeks.
Paloma : Fortnight ?
Sir James : No time for games Paloma.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
One of the best (and uncharacteristically subtle) jokes in "The Rutles" is that the character Stig, representing George Harrison, never says anything. I've tried to use that above in that John never says anything while Brian & Roger do the talking but it's underplayed. Don't know how to make it more plain. Perhaps the chase scene could continue, with much shouting back and forth? On horseback perhaps since Danie... I mean, Sir James, has hurt his ankle.
For the chase I had an idea, that Paloma would have to
Pull a rickshaw with Felix and James sitting in it ?
Sir James having the excuse of an injured ankle ?
Perhaps a joke from Paloma about having strong arms
From having to pull all sorts of things for sir Malik?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Paloma: How ist thine ankle. Sir James?
Sir James: Most painful- I fear I may be out of commission for about two weeks.
Paloma: Fortnight?
Sir James: No time for games, Paloma!
Lord Felix: That is true, they are gaining on us- we must find a chariot or horses and fast!
Paloma: Lo, over there! (Paloma points at a rickshaw leaning against a wall ahead.)
Sir James: A rickshaw? But ‘tis not possible, mine ankle…
Lord Felix: And I have suddenly remembered that I have a hook for one hand, and only one leg.
Paloma: No matter- get in, and apace! (Sir James and Lord Felix leap into ye rickshaw. Paloma quickly grasps the shafts and begins to run as Roger, Brian and John draw near.)
Roger: They are getting away!
Brian: Quick, after them!
Sir James: ‘Tis amazing how strong thou art, Paloma.
Paloma: Oh, ‘tis nothing- much practice have I had pulling all sorts of things for Sir Malik.
Could John from the Band pull the chasing rickshaw
Or carriage without a horse to pull it ?
With a line about he may not say much but he's as strong as a horse ?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Paloma: How ist thine ankle. Sir James?
Sir James: Most painful- I fear I may be out of commission for about two weeks.
Paloma: Fortnight?
Sir James: No time for games, Paloma!
Lord Felix: That is true, they are gaining on us- we must find a chariot or horses and fast!
Paloma: Lo, over there!
(Paloma points at a rickshaw leaning against a wall ahead.)
Sir James: A rickshaw? But ‘tis not possible, mine ankle…
Paloma : Two chinese drivers are sitting upon it, I shall go over and pull them off !
Sir james : Nay,Paloma,..... , a bribe of coins should sufice, surely
Lord Felix: And I have suddenly remembered that I have a hook for one hand, and only one leg.
Paloma: No matter- get in, and apace!
( Paloma runs across and pulls the two drivers to the ground, as she also scares some horses
away by showing a sign "charcutier, opening soon", they stampede, towards their pursuers, as
Sir James and Lord Felix leap into ye rickshaw.)
Paloma : I must now grab the shafts.
Sir James : No time now Paloma, ........ later perhaps ?
( Paloma, begins to run, so fast that smoke pours from the Richshaw wheels
Just as Roger, Brian and John draw near.)
Roger: They are getting away!
Brian: Quick, after them!
John : ........................................
( They enter a barn , quickly smashing through the doors as they exit, whith John in Harness
pulling the small carriage )
Brian : Lets see how they like this ( He throws a small axe at Sir James, it buries itself beside
Lord Felix )
Lord Felix : Um ? He's talented with his axe !
( They move with haste through the cobbled streets .... From a tower above the venue, Sir Malik
watches. Removing his garments to display a white catsuit )
Sir Malik : Time to play with my organ .
( he begins to play a traditional Rhapsody to Bohemia ... as the chase continues. )
Sir James: ‘Tis amazing how strong thou art, Paloma.
Paloma: Oh, ‘tis nothing- much practice have I had pulling all sorts of things for Sir Malik.
Sir James : I hath my trowing knives strapped on my wrists, how be'ith you armed ?
Lord Felix : The latest from the Colonies Interesting Alchemist, a folding Bow and
extendable arrows
Sir James : Aye The C.I.A hath many interesting toys. Paloma, a bit faster Darling
they're really getting rather close
( they fight along the streets )
Paloma : hold on, I'm turning right down Giu Strada, where the two crying soothsayers live
Sir James : Do they give readings ?
Paloma : Angela won't but Theresa May
Lord Felix : I'm bereft of Arrows, we need an escape !
Sir James : Quick Paloma head for the coast road. I have an idea
( Sir James, thrown his daggers at the pursuers, cutting down a banner saying ....
.... " Pisa welcomes careful drivers " ... which temporally hides their view ......
Sir James : Paloma could you take on both lord felix and myself ?
Paloma : Maybe, if we had diner and a few dinks, some dancing I ......
Sir James : On your Back Paloma......
Paloma : .a bit old fashioned but ....
Sir James : Can you carry us on your back Paloma
Paloma : Oh, .... Yes, I'm stronger than I look,
( Quickly they jump on to Paloma who veres off, letting the ricksham plummet over the cliff edge.
it falls hitting a monk's mead still, which explodes in flames ..... as Sir James,Lord Felix and
Paloma hide in some near by bushes )
Brian : Halt John !
John : ...............
( Brian puts a piece of sugar in John's mouth .... )
Roger : they went right over
John : .................
( from the bushes Sir James, Lord Felix and Paloma watch .... )
Sir James : with luck they'll think we'll be spending so much time filling in insurance parchements
we shall not be able to pursue Sir Malik !
Lord Felix : Perhaps Sir James. they will think us Dead ?
Paloma : Be quiet, they be passing us ...
( Brian, John and Roger head away, followed only by a Crying Monk ....... )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir James: Paloma, watch out for that man with green trainers busy flogging a dead horse..... again!
Paloma: What?
Sir James: I said, watch out for- (There is a thump, followed by a squashing sound and then some crunching.) Never mind.
Lord Felix: Sure I am that he shalt return.
Sir James: No argument there.
Lord Felix: That will be a first.
Sir James: Aye, he will return. With one of his many dead horses to flog, as well.
Lord Felix: Here, Sir James, have some coconut.
Sir James: Hmm... That looks more like ma- ma- make haste, Paloma, they are gaining on us!
Act 3, Scene 5. A boarding house. Sir James, Lord Felix and Paloma have taken rooms.
Sir James: Most fortunate we were to escape.
Lord Felix: Aye, ‘tis true.
Paloma: Most hungry am I- may we partake of this excellent meal that has been sent up?
Sir James: First, we must plan our next step.
Lord Felix: With that ankle of yours, it must be a very careful next step.
Sir James: Paloma, we must rely on you for knowing what Sir Malik is up to.
Paloma: I shalt help thee all I can.
Sir James: Good, with thee I should like to do-
Maid Moneypenny: (From off.)) 69!
Sir James: Well, perhaps later… (Maid Moneypenny opens ye door to admit Sir Gareth, William of Tanner, ye Young Wizard, Freddie, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy, a very large dog who proceeds to eat all of the food, and a small dog tagging along.)
Sir Gareth: 69, most grieved I was to hear of the death of Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Aye, though ‘twas in ye line of duty.
William of Tanner: ‘Twould seem, mine liege, that thou hast no alternative but to give 69 his old number once again.
Sir Gareth: Aye, 'tis true.
Sir James: You mean…?
Sir Gareth: Welcome back, Naught Naught Seven. (Sir James glows with pride as he stands erect, stretching to his full 5'9" before falling down yelling and cursing, grabbing at his sore ankle.)
Act 3, Scene 5. A boarding house. Sir James, Lord Felix and Paloma have taken rooms. They enter
Lord Felix, moving to a window, as Paloma arrives with Sir James still on her Back ...
Sir James: Just over by the chair darling, That trip was quite fatiguing and be careful of
my ankle.
Paloma :Aye, Sir James
Sir James: Most fortunate we were to escape.
Lord Felix: Aye, ‘tis true.
Paloma: Most hungry am I- may we partake of this excellent meal that has been sent up?
Lord Felix : Aye, the latest masterpiece from Sir Jamie Oliver, he d'oth call it a Pizza !
Paloma : I shall cut it in four ?
Lord Felix : Nay, I hath much humger, better to cut it in 8 !
Paloma : I hath hear his pizza shop is in money dificulties.
Sir James : Fake news Paloma, he doth just have trouble with his Dough.
Paloma : ( Rolling her eyes ) How's the ankle Sir James
Sir James: Fine, I don't like to complain, Now, we must plan our next step.
Lord Felix: With that ankle of yours, it must be a very careful next step.
Sir James: Paloma, we must rely on you for knowing what Sir Malik is up to.
Paloma: I shalt help thee all I can.
Sir James: Good, with thee I should like to do-
Maid Moneypenny: (From off.)) 69!
Sir James: Well, perhaps later…
(Maid Moneypenny opens ye door to admit Sir Gareth, William of Tanner, ye Young Wizard, Freddie, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy, a very large dog who proceeds to eat all of the food, and a small dog tagging along.)
Sir Gareth: 69, most grieved I was to hear of the death of Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Aye, though ‘twas in ye line of duty.
Sir Gareth : No bad puns, No wine snobbery, no safari suits ..... she had it all.
William of Tanner: ‘Twould seem, mine liege, that thou hast no alternative but to give 69 his old number once again.
Sir Gareth: Aye, 'tis true.
Sir James: You mean…?
Sir Gareth: Welcome back, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James : Thank you sire !, (pause ).... I still get the dental and pension entitlements ?
Sir Gareth : We can discuss that later ... sill Welcome Back.
Sir James : With mine injured ankle, perhaps a blue badge, so I can park my carriage closer...
Sir Gareth : As I said Naught,Naught,Seven Later !
(Sir James glows with pride as he stands erect, stretching to his full 5'9" before falling down yelling and cursing, grabbing at his sore ankle.)
Sir James : (Aside) Oh, to get back in to my special shoes, to be 6' once more !
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Comments
Sir James, Lady Lashana and Lord Felix arrive at the Hammer, a tavern in ye shadow of the famous Tower of Pisa.
Lady Lashana: Now, is everyone clear about our plan?
Sir James: But of course. Lord Felix and I shalt have a few drinks at ye bar, whilst thou do find out where Sir Malik Mercury is to be found. I shalt then challenge him to whichever game he is playing, defeat him effortlessly, and depart with the beautiful maiden who had been sitting with him.
Lord Felix: Art thou sure that will work, Sir James?
Sir James: Well, it has worked twenty-four times previously….
Lady Lashana: I think mine plan ist better. I shalt encourage him to come away with me to a place of solitude, where both of thee shalt be waiting.
Sir James: Well, we shalt see how it goes.
(They enter ye establishment.)
Lady Lashana: I do believe that is he over there, at a gaming table playing chemin de fer.
Lord Felix: Not poker, then?
Sir James: Not this time.
(Sir James sits at ye gaming table and calls for chips. After some misunderstanding involving deep-fried potatoes, he is able to play.)
Sir James: Banco.
(Across the table sits Sir Malik Mercury, accompanied by a stunningly beautiful young maiden.)
Sir Malik: Ah, a new player. May I be permitted to know thine name?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sir Malik: Doubtless thou knowest mine identity. And this ist Paloma.
Paloma: Most pleased to meet thee, good sir.
Sir James: And I thee. Come, let us play!
(Lady Lashana sits next to Sir Malik.)
Lady Lashana: Tell me, how ist it that thou do seem to win so frequently?
Sir Malik: It's a kind of magic.
Sir James: Well, now I'm here.
(Ye cards are dealt, and Sir James wins.)
Sir Malik: So! Shall we play again?
Sir James: Aye, the show must go on.
After he injures his knee the hunky stunt man ….. knight will turn up again.
( sung to Danny boy )
Lady Lashana: Thou seems to be out of luck this evening, Sir Malik.
Sir Malik: Aye, ‘tis so.
Lady Lashana: Mayhap I could change that for thee?
Sir Malik: I thank’ee, sweet lady, but I prefer to play the game.
Sir James: Then shall we double the stakes?
Sir Malik: I have no objection.
(They play, and Sir James wins again.)
Lady Lashana: Thou seems to be out of luck this evening, Sir Malik.
Sir Malik: Aye, ‘tis so.
Lady Lashana: Mayhap I could change that for thee?
Sir Malik: I thank’ee, sweet lady, but I prefer to play the game.
Sir James: Then shall we... double the stakes?
Sir Malik: I have no objection.
Lord Felix: Take care, Sir James.
Sir James: Oh, ‘tis super easy- barely an inconvenience.
(They play, and Sir James wins again.)
Sir Malik: Thou surely hast a talent for this game, Sir James.
Sir James: ‘Tis merely one of many.
Sir Malik: Mayhap we shalt find out if that ist true, later. Come, let us drink together.
(Sir Malik heads for the bar, with Paloma on his arm. Sir James heads there too.)
Lady Lashana: (Aside to Lord Felix.) Should I go too?
Lord Felix: Nay, methinks Sir James ist more his cup of tea.
Paloma: Of thee I have heard, Sir James, thou hast fine testimonials.
Sir James: ‘Tis these tights again, I must find a thicker denier.
Sir Malik; What would thou drink, mine friend? I willst have ye finest champagne in ye house!
Paloma: And for me, too.
Sir James: I willst have mead- let it shaken be, and not stirred.
(A steward approaches.)
Steward: Thine pardon, Sir Malik, but a message hast come for thee.
Sir Malik: Excuse me a moment, Sir James, I am sure that Paloma will keep thee entertained. (Exits.)
Sir James: Hast thou know Sir Malik long?
Paloma: Nay, not long. I met him one night at the opera.
Lady Lashana: Now, is everyone clear about our plan?
Sir James: But of course. Lord Felix and I shalt have a few drinks at ye bar, whilst thou do find out where Sir Malik Mercury is to be found. I shalt then challenge him to whichever game he is playing, defeat him effortlessly, and depart with the beautiful maiden who had been sitting with him.
Lord Felix: Art thou sure that will work, Sir James?
Sir James: Well, it has worked twenty-four times previously….
Lady Lashana: I think mine plan ist better. I shalt encourage him to come away with me to a place of solitude, where both of thee shalt be waiting.
Sir James: Well, we shalt see how it goes.
(They enter ye establishment. The tavern is full of smoke, music and excitement ....)
Lord Felix ; T'is a den of iniquity, ful of the lowest knaves of the kingdom.
Passing Lady : Why, greetings Lord Felix, you back for .....
Lord Felix : Be gone, strange woman, whom I hath never met before !
Sir James : Hey, Not So fast Lord Felix, I might have at least have gotten her calling card.
Lady Lashana : Tty the notice by the wheel by the pawn shop
Sir James : Ah yes ? Pawn Hub
Lord Felix : Any sign of Sir Malik ?
Lady Lashana: I do believe that is he over there, at a gaming table
Sir James : That b'eith amazing, do ye have second sight ?
Lady Lashana: Nay, One Vision. He looks to be playing chemin de fer.
Lord Felix: Not poker, then?
Sir James: I can not see what he's sitting on ! ..... Oh Poker ? Nay, Not this time.
Lord Felix : I hope your card skills are as good as when you played those two Serbians ?
Sir James : Aye, t'was indeed a game of two Slavs. Now I shall away.
(Sir James sits at ye gaming table and calls for chips. After some misunderstanding involving deep-fried potatoes, he is able to play.)
Sir James: Banco.
(Across the table sits Sir Malik Mercury, accompanied by a stunningly beautiful young maiden.)
Sir Malik: Ah, a new player. May I be permitted to know thine name?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sir Malik: Doubtless thou knowest mine identity. And this ist Paloma.
Paloma: Most pleased to meet thee, good sir.
Sir James: And I thee. Come, let us play!
(Lady Lashana sits next to Sir Malik.)
Lady Lashana: Tell me, how ist it that thou do seem to win so frequently?
Sir Malik: It's a kind of magic.
Sir James: Well, now I'm here.
(Ye cards are dealt, and Sir James wins.)
Sir Malik: So! Shall we play again?
Sir James: Aye, the show must go on.
( after much card play, Sir James looks to be losing ........ )
Sir Malik : T'would seem I'm too good for you Sir James
Sir James ; Then why don't we change the game, and the stakes ?
Sir Malik : Hath you something in mind ?
Sir James : T'is all the rage at court, ..... Snap !
Sir Malik : Indeed a game of great skill, very well, we shall play after all
These are the days of our lives, and the nights of ..... ?
( They begin to play..... another Montage of cards on table, and hands reaching for chips ..... )
Sir James : Lord Felix come join our revelry, and bring mead that is shaken not stirred.
Lord Felix : You are in good spirits Sir James, has luck been a lady tonight ?
Sir James : Aye, ... Sir Malik has thine cod piece slipped ?
( Sir Malik looks down for a second as Sir James, slaps a card on the pile shouting SNAP !! )
Sir Malik : What ? How ? ........ You bloody Che......
Lord Felix : Now Sir Malik , Play the game. all t'is fair and above board
Sir Malik : Forgive me gentlemen, T'would seem I have lost
Sir Malik: Aye, ‘tis so.
Lady Lashana: Mayhap I could change that for thee?
Sir Malik: I thank’ee, sweet lady, but I prefer to play the game.
Sir James: Then shall we... double the stakes?
Sir Malik: I have no objection.
Lord Felix: Take care, Sir James.
Sir James: Oh, ‘tis super easy- barely an inconvenience.
(They play, and Sir James wins again.)
Sir Malik: Thou surely hast a talent for this game, Sir James.
Sir James: ‘Tis merely one of many.
Sir Malik: Mayhap we shalt find out if that ist true, later. Come, let us drink together.
(Sir Malik heads for the bar, with Paloma on his arm. Sir James heads there too.)
Lady Lashana: (Aside to Lord Felix.) Should I go too?
Lord Felix: Nay, methinks Sir James ist more his cup of tea.
( They arrive at the bar, but wirh Sir James on Sir Maliks arm .... )
Paloma: Of thee I have heard, Sir James, thou hast fine testimonials.
Sir James: ‘Tis these tights again, I must find a thicker denier.
Sir Malik; What would thou drink, mine friend? I willst have ye finest champagne in ye house!
Paloma: And for me, too.
Sir James: I willst have mead- let it shaken be, and not stirred.
Sir Malik : and some nibbles, tell me Sir James doth thee enjoy Oysters or Snails ?
Sir James : To be honest, I'm more a large frankfurter guy. Nearly choked on a big one
but I manage to swallow quite a lot !
Sir Malik : ( Wide Eyed ) ....That I would'st like to see ........
(A steward approaches.)
Steward: Thine pardon, Sir Malik, but a message hast come for thee.
Sir Malik: Excuse me a moment, Sir James, I am sure that Paloma will keep thee entertained. (Exits.)
Sir James: Hast thou know Sir Malik long?
Paloma: Nay, not long. I met him one night at the opera.
scene which for years was "Cut" from television showings
Barbel: Thine embellishments are very enjoyable, Sir Thunderpussy.
Thunderpussy: 'Tis these tights, they show everything.
Kudos for the snails & oysters bit. Nice to have a bit of culture on occasion!
Paloma: Nay, not long. I met him one night at the opera.
Sir James: Followed by a day at ye races?
Paloma: Nay, we didst go to Norway or some such place. ‘Twas hard to tell.
Sir James: Hmm, Norway, eh?
(In a room off ye tavern, Sir Malik talks to three men.)
Sir Malik: Tell me, I prithee, what hast thou found out about our new friend?
Brian: (Tall, with much curly hair.) He ist Sir James Bond, an agent of discretion sent from Albion.
Roger: (Shorter, blond hair.) ‘Tis said that he ist licenced to kill, and bears ye number Naught Naught Seven.
Sir Malik: So! Methinks he should be dispatched with much haste- action this day!
Brian: Aye, we shalt give him the works.
Roger: We will not let him go.
Sir Malik: Wait until he ist outside- no scandal, we do not want this to be ye news of the world.
(At ye bar.)
Sir James: So, where art thou off to next?
Paloma: Sir Malik hath not told me. In truth, I do tire of not being in his confidence.
Sir James: Mayhap thou would prefer to come with me?
Paloma: Aye, mayhap.
Sir James: Lo, Sir Malik doth approach- come with me, apace.
(Sir James leads Paloma quickly to ye door, joined by Lord Felix and Lady Lashana. Sir Malik sends a signal to Roger, Brian and John who follow them outside.)
Lord Felix: Apace, this way!
Sir James: Come, Paloma!
(They run down an alley, but trip over a pile of unused play scripts. Some are labelled “Purvis/Wade”, some “Hodge”, and so forth. They are set on by Sir Malik’s bandmates… er, henchmen and in ye fight Lady Lashana ist slain.)
Sir James: Lashana…
Lord Felix: No time to grieve, Sir James, this way!
(Lord Felix helps a limping Sir James to his feet, with Paloma on his arm, and they make their escape.)
Paloma: How ist thine ankle. Sir James?
Sir James: Most painful- I fear I may be out of commission for about two weeks.
Paloma: Nay, not long. I met him one night at the opera.
Sir James: Followed by a day at ye races?
Paloma: Nay, we didst go to Norway or some such place. ‘Twas hard to tell.
Sir James: Hmm, Norway, eh?
(In a room off ye tavern, Sir Malik talks to three men.)
Sir Malik: Tell me, I prithee, what hast thou found out about our new friend?
Brian: (Tall, with much curly hair.) He ist Sir James Bond, an agent of discretion sent from Albion.
Roger: (Shorter, blond hair.) ‘Tis said that he ist licenced to kill, and bears ye number Naught Naught Seven.
Sir Malik: So! Methinks he should be dispatched with much haste- action this day!
Brian: Aye, we shalt give him the works.
Roger: We will not let him go.
Sir Malik: Wait until he ist outside- no scandal, we do not want this to be ye news of the world.
(At ye bar.)
Sir James: So, where art thou off to next?
Paloma: Sir Malik hath not told me. In truth, I do tire of not being in his confidence.
Sir James : Paloma ...
Paloma : Faith, tells me he may never let me probe his inner circle.
Sir James: Mayhap thou would prefer to come with me?... and probe away ?
Paloma: Aye, mayhap.Ye look like a gentleman.
Sir James: Lo, Sir Malik doth approach- come with me, apace.
(Sir James leads Paloma quickly to ye door, joined by Lord Felix and Lady Lashana. Sir Malik sends a signal to Roger, Brian and John who follow them outside, and throw large nuts at them.. )
Lord Felix, They're Nuts Sir James !
Sir James: Aye, they should "Pecan" someone their own size
( Lord Felix looks sternly at Sir James )
Lord Felix: Apace, this way!
Sir James: Come, Paloma!
(They run down an alley, but trip over a pile of unused play scripts. Some are labelled “Purvis/Wade”, some “Hodge”, and so forth. They are set on by Sir Malik’s bandmates… er, henchmen ..... )
Lady Lashana : Here Sir James, crouch down behind this pile of naughty Nanny parchments.
Sir James : Nay, We must keep moving......
( The backing band of knaves push at the parchments causing them to Topol over crushing the
Lady Lashana !)
Knaves : Too much love will kill you !
Sir James: Lashana…
Lord Felix: No time to grieve, Sir James, this way!
(Lord Felix helps a limping Sir James to his feet, with Paloma on his arm, and they make their escape.)
Paloma: How ist thine ankle. Sir James?
Sir James: Most painful- I fear I may be out of commission for about two weeks.
Paloma : Fortnight ?
Sir James : No time for games Paloma.
Pull a rickshaw with Felix and James sitting in it ?
Sir James having the excuse of an injured ankle ?
Perhaps a joke from Paloma about having strong arms
From having to pull all sorts of things for sir Malik?
Paloma: How ist thine ankle. Sir James?
Sir James: Most painful- I fear I may be out of commission for about two weeks.
Paloma: Fortnight?
Sir James: No time for games, Paloma!
Lord Felix: That is true, they are gaining on us- we must find a chariot or horses and fast!
Paloma: Lo, over there!
(Paloma points at a rickshaw leaning against a wall ahead.)
Sir James: A rickshaw? But ‘tis not possible, mine ankle…
Lord Felix: And I have suddenly remembered that I have a hook for one hand, and only one leg.
Paloma: No matter- get in, and apace!
(Sir James and Lord Felix leap into ye rickshaw. Paloma quickly grasps the shafts and begins to run as Roger, Brian and John draw near.)
Roger: They are getting away!
Brian: Quick, after them!
Sir James: ‘Tis amazing how strong thou art, Paloma.
Paloma: Oh, ‘tis nothing- much practice have I had pulling all sorts of things for Sir Malik.
Or carriage without a horse to pull it ?
With a line about he may not say much but he's as strong as a horse ?
Sir James: Most painful- I fear I may be out of commission for about two weeks.
Paloma: Fortnight?
Sir James: No time for games, Paloma!
Lord Felix: That is true, they are gaining on us- we must find a chariot or horses and fast!
Paloma: Lo, over there!
(Paloma points at a rickshaw leaning against a wall ahead.)
Sir James: A rickshaw? But ‘tis not possible, mine ankle…
Paloma : Two chinese drivers are sitting upon it, I shall go over and pull them off !
Sir james : Nay,Paloma,..... , a bribe of coins should sufice, surely
Lord Felix: And I have suddenly remembered that I have a hook for one hand, and only one leg.
Paloma: No matter- get in, and apace!
( Paloma runs across and pulls the two drivers to the ground, as she also scares some horses
away by showing a sign "charcutier, opening soon", they stampede, towards their pursuers, as
Sir James and Lord Felix leap into ye rickshaw.)
Paloma : I must now grab the shafts.
Sir James : No time now Paloma, ........ later perhaps ?
( Paloma, begins to run, so fast that smoke pours from the Richshaw wheels
Just as Roger, Brian and John draw near.)
Roger: They are getting away!
Brian: Quick, after them!
John : ........................................
( They enter a barn , quickly smashing through the doors as they exit, whith John in Harness
pulling the small carriage )
Brian : Lets see how they like this ( He throws a small axe at Sir James, it buries itself beside
Lord Felix )
Lord Felix : Um ? He's talented with his axe !
( They move with haste through the cobbled streets .... From a tower above the venue, Sir Malik
watches. Removing his garments to display a white catsuit )
Sir Malik : Time to play with my organ .
( he begins to play a traditional Rhapsody to Bohemia ... as the chase continues. )
Sir James: ‘Tis amazing how strong thou art, Paloma.
Paloma: Oh, ‘tis nothing- much practice have I had pulling all sorts of things for Sir Malik.
Sir James : I hath my trowing knives strapped on my wrists, how be'ith you armed ?
Lord Felix : The latest from the Colonies Interesting Alchemist, a folding Bow and
extendable arrows
Sir James : Aye The C.I.A hath many interesting toys. Paloma, a bit faster Darling
they're really getting rather close
( they fight along the streets )
Paloma : hold on, I'm turning right down Giu Strada, where the two crying soothsayers live
Sir James : Do they give readings ?
Paloma : Angela won't but Theresa May
Lord Felix : I'm bereft of Arrows, we need an escape !
Sir James : Quick Paloma head for the coast road. I have an idea
( Sir James, thrown his daggers at the pursuers, cutting down a banner saying ....
.... " Pisa welcomes careful drivers " ... which temporally hides their view ......
Sir James : Paloma could you take on both lord felix and myself ?
Paloma : Maybe, if we had diner and a few dinks, some dancing I ......
Sir James : On your Back Paloma......
Paloma : .a bit old fashioned but ....
Sir James : Can you carry us on your back Paloma
Paloma : Oh, .... Yes, I'm stronger than I look,
( Quickly they jump on to Paloma who veres off, letting the ricksham plummet over the cliff edge.
it falls hitting a monk's mead still, which explodes in flames ..... as Sir James,Lord Felix and
Paloma hide in some near by bushes )
Brian : Halt John !
John : ...............
( Brian puts a piece of sugar in John's mouth .... )
Roger : they went right over
John : .................
( from the bushes Sir James, Lord Felix and Paloma watch .... )
Sir James : with luck they'll think we'll be spending so much time filling in insurance parchements
we shall not be able to pursue Sir Malik !
Lord Felix : Perhaps Sir James. they will think us Dead ?
Paloma : Be quiet, they be passing us ...
( Brian, John and Roger head away, followed only by a Crying Monk ....... )
Sir James: Paloma, watch out for that man with green trainers busy flogging a dead horse..... again!
Paloma: What?
Sir James: I said, watch out for- (There is a thump, followed by a squashing sound and then some crunching.) Never mind.
Lord Felix: Sure I am that he shalt return.
Sir James: No argument there.
Lord Felix: That will be a first.
Sir James: Aye, he will return. With one of his many dead horses to flog, as well.
Lord Felix: Here, Sir James, have some coconut.
Sir James: Hmm... That looks more like ma- ma- make haste, Paloma, they are gaining on us!
Will need to be fitted in later.
Sir James: Most fortunate we were to escape.
Lord Felix: Aye, ‘tis true.
Paloma: Most hungry am I- may we partake of this excellent meal that has been sent up?
Sir James: First, we must plan our next step.
Lord Felix: With that ankle of yours, it must be a very careful next step.
Sir James: Paloma, we must rely on you for knowing what Sir Malik is up to.
Paloma: I shalt help thee all I can.
Sir James: Good, with thee I should like to do-
Maid Moneypenny: (From off.)) 69!
Sir James: Well, perhaps later…
(Maid Moneypenny opens ye door to admit Sir Gareth, William of Tanner, ye Young Wizard, Freddie, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy, a very large dog who proceeds to eat all of the food, and a small dog tagging along.)
Sir Gareth: 69, most grieved I was to hear of the death of Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Aye, though ‘twas in ye line of duty.
William of Tanner: ‘Twould seem, mine liege, that thou hast no alternative but to give 69 his old number once again.
Sir Gareth: Aye, 'tis true.
Sir James: You mean…?
Sir Gareth: Welcome back, Naught Naught Seven.
(Sir James glows with pride as he stands erect, stretching to his full 5'9" before falling down yelling and cursing, grabbing at his sore ankle.)
Lord Felix, moving to a window, as Paloma arrives with Sir James still on her Back ...
Sir James: Just over by the chair darling, That trip was quite fatiguing and be careful of
my ankle.
Paloma :Aye, Sir James
Sir James: Most fortunate we were to escape.
Lord Felix: Aye, ‘tis true.
Paloma: Most hungry am I- may we partake of this excellent meal that has been sent up?
Lord Felix : Aye, the latest masterpiece from Sir Jamie Oliver, he d'oth call it a Pizza !
Paloma : I shall cut it in four ?
Lord Felix : Nay, I hath much humger, better to cut it in 8 !
Paloma : I hath hear his pizza shop is in money dificulties.
Sir James : Fake news Paloma, he doth just have trouble with his Dough.
Paloma : ( Rolling her eyes ) How's the ankle Sir James
Sir James: Fine, I don't like to complain, Now, we must plan our next step.
Lord Felix: With that ankle of yours, it must be a very careful next step.
Sir James: Paloma, we must rely on you for knowing what Sir Malik is up to.
Paloma: I shalt help thee all I can.
Sir James: Good, with thee I should like to do-
Maid Moneypenny: (From off.)) 69!
Sir James: Well, perhaps later…
(Maid Moneypenny opens ye door to admit Sir Gareth, William of Tanner, ye Young Wizard, Freddie, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy, a very large dog who proceeds to eat all of the food, and a small dog tagging along.)
Sir Gareth: 69, most grieved I was to hear of the death of Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Aye, though ‘twas in ye line of duty.
Sir Gareth : No bad puns, No wine snobbery, no safari suits ..... she had it all.
William of Tanner: ‘Twould seem, mine liege, that thou hast no alternative but to give 69 his old number once again.
Sir Gareth: Aye, 'tis true.
Sir James: You mean…?
Sir Gareth: Welcome back, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James : Thank you sire !, (pause ).... I still get the dental and pension entitlements ?
Sir Gareth : We can discuss that later ... sill Welcome Back.
Sir James : With mine injured ankle, perhaps a blue badge, so I can park my carriage closer...
Sir Gareth : As I said Naught,Naught,Seven Later !
(Sir James glows with pride as he stands erect, stretching to his full 5'9" before falling down yelling and cursing, grabbing at his sore ankle.)
Sir James : (Aside) Oh, to get back in to my special shoes, to be 6' once more !