Sir James: Hmm, hast that Sir Guy Fawkes character escaped from gaol and got up to his olde tricks again? ‘Twould seem he ist trying to fry the Parliament.
Sir Gareth: Yes, and ‘tis no time to fry...
Sir Gareth: Thee may find this mission impossible.
Sir James: Mayhap I should ask mine friend Lord Felix if Ethan Hunt ist free, then.
Sir Gareth: 'Tis not a matter we would share with those across the sea, 'tis purely a British problem. And French. And German. And...
Sir James: Well, at least Ireland shalt not be a problem.
Sir Gareth: ...ah....
Sir James: But surely, sire, Her Majesty would not stand for this! She must say "Nay".
Sir Gareth: ...ah...
Sir James: She said "Aye"? 'Tis enough to make one weep.
Sir Gareth: Naught Naught Seven, 'tis no time to cry.
Sir James: What can be done to prevent this from happening?
Sir Gareth: All our hopes rest with ye Leader Of Ye Opposition.
Sir James: ...ah...
Q: to keep any interlopers confused we are to call this mission
The Rhythm Method.....
Sir Gareth : That's Rhythm Section Q !
Q: Aye, like Sir Boris we were advised to pull out at the last minute.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
AJB presents William Shakespeare’s
SIR JAMES BOND NAUGHT NAUGHT SEVEN
in THE PROROGATION OF A TORY
Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory. Enter Sir James.
Maid Moneypenny: Why, there thou art, Sir James! I have been seeking thee everywhere.
Sir James: I was, er, just improving my French.
Maid Moneypenny: A master of many tongues thou most surely art.
Sir James: Nay, just one- but thou never take advantage of it.
Maid Moneypenny: Thou should attend Sir Gareth forthwith, he hast sent for thee most urgently.
Sir Gareth: A most serious situation hast arisen, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Great weapons have been purloined? Our agents have been slain?
Sir Gareth: Nay, it would seem that there is a threat to Parliament itself.
Sir James: Hmm, hast that Sir Guy Fawkes character escaped from gaol and got up to his olde tricks again? ‘Twould seem he did try to fry the Parliament.
Sir Gareth: Yes, and ‘tis no time to fry…
Sir James: I see what you did there.
Sir Gareth: ‘Twould seem that our Parliament ist to be prevented from its business, at a time of great importance, in a most unusual and some say unconstitutional and undemocratic manner.
Sir James: Nay! What does ye Prime Minister have to say?
Sir Gareth. ...ah…. I was afraid thou might ask that… Thee may find this mission impossible.
Sir James: Mayhap I should ask mine friend Lord Felix if Ethan Hunt ist free, then.
Sir Gareth: 'Tis not a matter we would share with those across the sea, 'tis purely a British problem. Well, and French. And German. And...
Sir James: Well, at least Ireland should not be a problem.
Sir Gareth: ...ah....
Sir James: But surely, sire, Her Majesty would not stand for this! She must say "Nay".
Sir Gareth: ...ah...
Sir James: She said "Aye"? 'Tis no time to "Aye"!
Sir Gareth: I was afraid you'd say that.
Sir James: 'Tis enough to make one weep.
Sir Gareth: Naught Naught Seven, 'tis no time to cry.
Sir James: Enough bad puns. What can be done to prevent this from happening?
Sir Gareth: All our hopes rest with ye Leader Of Ye Opposition.
Sir James: ...ah…
Sir Gareth: Let us consult ye Young Wizard. (Ye Young Wizard ist sent for.)
Young Wizard: To keep any interlopers confused we are to call this mission The Rhythm Method.
Sir Gareth: That's Rhythm Section, Wizard!
Young Wizard: Aye, like Sir Boris we were advised to pull out at the last minute.
Sir James: Is this true?
Young Wizard: Naught Naught Seven, 'tis no time to lie!
Sir James: Hmph, everyone's at it now. (Much shouting ist heard from ye street below.)
Sir Gareth: What ist that noise?
Sir James: 'Tis many people marching on Parliament to protest against ye Prime Minister's prorogation.
Sir Gareth: I'm beginning to think that Sir Guy Fawkes had the right idea...
Sir James: Mayhap I should learn more about him.
Sir Gareth: Aye, I shalt arrange for thee to go see him at ye Tower of London. They shalt go over all ye physical procedures used with him. Do not deviate from them for any reason whatsoever. And thou art to tell him nothing personal. Believe me, thou dost not want Guy Fawkes inside thine head.
Guard: I prithee, remember ye rules. Do not touch or approach ye glass. You pass him nothing but soft paper. No pencils or pens. No staples or paperclips in his paper. Use the sliding food carrier. If he attempts to pass you anything, do not accept it. Do you understand me?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis understood.
Guard: He ist past the others, ye last cell. Thou keepest to ye right. I hath put out a chair for thee.
Sir James: Very good, I thank’ee. (Sir James walks to ye last cell, where a man ist waiting.)
Guy Fawkes: Good morning.
Sir James: Sir Guy, I am he who ist called Bond, James Bond. May I speak with thee?
Guy Fawkes: Thou art one of Sir Gareth Mallory's, art thee not?
Sir James: I am, yes.
Guy Fawkes: May I see thine credentials?
Sir James: Certainly.
Guy Fawkes: Closer, please. Closer. Hmm, that is very impressive.
Sir James: ‘Tis these tights, I must have a word with mine tailor.
Guy Fawkes: Tell me what thou wouldst know, Sir James. Thrill me with thine acumen.
Sir James: ‘Tis told that thou had a most drastic idea for ye British Parliament.
Guy Fawkes: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir James: Why was that?
Guy Fawkes: A politician once tried to serve me a survey. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Sir James: Why his liver?
Guy Fawkes: Well, being a politician he had no heart and no brain.
Sir James: Fair enough.
Guy Fawkes: So I tried to destroy ye Houses of Parliament with some gunpowder. Well, quite a lot of gunpowder actually.
Sir James: Sounds pretty final.
Guy Fawkes: Aye, but alas I was caught. (Breathes heavily.)
Sir James: Nay, nay... 'tis no time to sigh.
I have half an idea for a scene. It's unfinished and needs some work especially on the jokes. All assistance welcome! I've put it below, please feel free to add, change, etc.
Ye cave of ye Young Wizard. Enter Sir James.
Sir James: Greetings, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven. How did thine meeting with Sir Guy Fawkes proceed?
Sir James: Alack, his only advice was to blow up ye Houses of Parliament.
Young Wizard: Hmm, some might agree with him there.
Sir James: ‘Tis true, but that option ist not open to us. Hast thou any advice for me?
Young Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this enchanted knife! ‘Twill stand by thine side, then stab thee in the back when thou doth least expect it.
Sir James: Sounds of no use whatsoever.
Young Wizard: True. I call it the “Gove”. Behold this pair of hose! They are designed in such a way that if thee fall in water, the hind portions shall fill with air to twice their natural size to keep thee afloat.
Sir James: And what is its title?
Young Wizard: I call it ye “Kardashian”.
Sir James: Butt of course. Sorry I ass-ked. And what ist this here?
Young Wizard: Ah, this spins around for years to no effect whatsoever. I call it-
Sir James: Ye "Theresa"?
Young Wizard: Nay, 'tis called ye "Corbyn".
Sir James: But of course.
Young Wizard: And this ist called ye "Sheeran". It emits a sound guaranteed to cause thine enemies to fall asleep. Unfortunately it also has that effect on thine friends as well- I'm working on it.
Sir James: Sure I am that thou willst succeed. Now, 'tis time for lunch.
Young Wizard: I am planning on making some fish & chips, wouldst thee care to join me?
Sir James: I must decline- 'tis no time to fry.
Guard: I prithee, remember ye rules. Do not touch or approach ye glass. You pass him nothing but soft paper. No pencils or pens. No staples or paperclips in his paper. Use the sliding food carrier. If he attempts to pass you anything, do not accept it. Do you understand me?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis understood.
Guard: He ist past the others, ye last cell. Thou keep'est to ye right. I hath put out a chair for thee.
Sir James: Very good, I thank’ee.
(Sir James moves forward passing several cells a noise comes from the first ......)
Prisoner: Make the Colonies great again! I shall build a wall, The bigglyest wall ever.
Hadrian, Great guy by the way, great guy.... He had the right idea to keep those rebellious Scots out .......
Sir James: Still blowing his own Trump-et I see.
( He shakes his head and passes another cell .......)
Prisoner 2: Come closer friend look at what I've got in my Hand .....
( He doth throw something in to Sir James's face ........ it was, some white ... papers )
Sir James: Not yet more amendments, You Mad Bercow.
(Sir James walks to ye last cell, where a man ist waiting.)
Guy Fawkes: Good morning.
Sir James: Sir Guy, I am he who ist called Bond, James Bond. May I speak with thee?
Guy Fawkes: What did Bercow say unto ye, ?
Sir James: He did shout ORDER! ORDER !
Guy Fawkes: I do so hate Bad Manners.
Sir James: Oh, I don't know ... Leap up Fatty was very good.
Guy Fawkes: Thou art one of Sir Gareth Mallory's, art thee not?
Sir James: I am, yes.
Guy Fawkes: May I see thine credentials?
Sir James: Certainly.
Guy Fawkes: Closer, please. Closer. Hmm, that is very impressive.
Sir James: ‘Tis these tights, I must have a word with mine tailor.
Guy Fawkes: Tell me what thou wouldst know, Sir James. Thrill me with thine acumen.
Sir James: ‘Tis told that thou had a most drastic idea for ye British Parliament.
Guy Fawkes: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir James: Why was that?
Guy Fawkes: A politician once tried to serve me a survey. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Sir James: Why his liver?
Guy Fawkes: Well, being a politician he had no heart and no brain.
Sir James: Fair enough. Also the arse and elbow are interchangeable.
Guy Fawkes: So I tried to destroy ye Houses of Parliament with some gunpowder. Well, quite a lot of gunpowder actually.
Sir James: Sounds pretty final.
Guy Fawkes: Aye, but alas I was caught. (Breathes heavily.)
Sir James: Nay, nay... 'tis no time to sigh.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Sir James: Greetings, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven. How did thine meeting with Sir Guy Fawkes proceed?
Sir James: Alack, his only advice was to blow up ye Houses of Parliament.
Young Wizard: Hmm, some might agree with him there.
Sir James: ‘Tis true, but that option ist not open to us. Hast thou any advice for me?
Young Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this enchanted knife! ‘Twill stand by thine side, then stab thee in the back when thou doth least expect it.
Sir James: Sounds of no use whatsoever.
Young Wizard: True. I call it the “Gove”. Behold this pair of hose! They are designed in such a way that if thee fall in water, the hind portions shall fill with air to twice their natural size to keep thee afloat.
Sir James: And what is its title?
Young Wizard: I call it ye “Kardashian”.
Sir James: Butt of course. Sorry I ass-ked. And what ist this here?
Young Wizard: Ah, this spins around for years to no effect whatsoever. I call it-
Sir James: Ye "Theresa"?
Young Wizard: Nay, 'tis called ye "Corbyn".
Sir James: Doth it cost much to keep running ?
Young Wizard: Nay luckily we hath a new accountant the lady Diane Abbott, so it costs virtually nothing.
Sir James: Ah, I see.
Young Wizard: And this ist called ye "Sheeran". It emits a sound guaranteed to cause thine enemies to fall asleep. Unfortunately it also has that effect on thine friends as well- I'm working on it.
Sir James: Sure I am that thou willst succeed. Now, 'tis time for lunch.
Young Wizard: This little pill is a mixture of herbs and exotic spices, which makes a person remember
the past differently......... we call it the Prince Andrew!
Sir James: ..and this metal ring ?
Young Wizard: That beith my Prince Albert.
(Sir James drops it to the floor.)
Young Wizard: I am planning on making some fish & chips, wouldst thee care to join me?
Sir James: I must decline- 'tis no time to fry.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Ye Visitors’ Gallery of ye House Of Commons. Lord Felix sits patiently waiting, watching ye noisy proceedings. Enter Sir James.
Sir James: I thank’ee for meeting me here, Lord Felix. Apologies for being late.
Lord Felix: ‘Tis no problem, Sir James. I have been enjoying watching ye antics of ye comedian below, while waiting for ye Prime Minister to appear.
Sir James: Comedian? (Looks below.) Alack, Lord Felix, that IS our Prime Minister.
Lord Felix: Hmm, I begin to see thine problem.
Sir James: Indeed.
Lord Felix: That man there in old-fashioned clothes, even for our century, lounging about on ye benches- ist he ye Leader Of Ye Opposition?
Sir James: Nay, that ist ye Leader Of Ye House.
Lord Felix: Then who ist ye Leader Of Ye Opposition?
Sir James: Yon bearded man there, in ye big girls’ blouse. (Much shouting from below.)
Sir James: ‘Tis much noisier than usual.
Lord Felix: How can they get any business done, shouting at each other so much?
Sir James: Oh, they don’t. They have been debating ye same question for about three years and three Prime Ministers now.
Lord Felix: Why do they not just ask ye people to decide for them?
Sir James: They tried that... (Yells of “Order! Order!” from below.)
Lord Felix: Order?
Sir James: That ist very kind of thee, I’ll have a mead- let it be shaken, not stirred.
Lord Felix: There is a bar in here?
Sir James: Several- they find it very necessary. I believe Lord Ken Clarke ist an expert in that subject.
Lord Felix: Look, that member there ist crossing ye floor and joining one of ye other parties.
Sir James: A regular occurrence these days.
Lord Felix: Enough have I seen- I believe you mentioned a bar…?
Sir James: Hmm, someone in this House has had a good idea. Pity it isn’t one of ye Members below. Let’s go. (Sir James and Lord Felix descend ye stairs and walk towards ye bar. A blond man rushes past them on his way to a waiting carriage.)
Lord Felix: Sir James, I do believe I just saw ye Prime Minister making a run for it!
Sir James: Nay, that was his brother making a sensible move and getting ye hell out of there.
Lord Felix: I hope they have bourbon in this bar.
Sir James: Nay, Felix- ‘tis no time to rye.
Ye Visitors’ Gallery of ye House Of Commons. Lord Felix sits patiently waiting, watching ye noisy proceedings. Enter Sir James.
Sir James: I thank’ee for meeting me here, Lord Felix. Apologies for being late.
Lord Felix: ‘Tis no problem, Sir James. I have been enjoying watching ye antics of ye comedian below, while waiting for ye Prime Minister to appear.
Sir James: Comedian? (Looks below.) Alack, Lord Felix, that IS our Prime Minister.
Lord Felix: Hmm, I begin to see thine problem.
Sir James: Indeed.
Lord Felix: That man there in old-fashioned clothes, even for our century, lounging about on ye benches- ist he ye Leader Of Ye Opposition?
Sir James: Nay, that ist ye Leader Of Ye House.
Lord Felix: Then who ist ye Leader Of Ye Opposition?
Sir James: Yon bearded man there, in ye big girls’ blouse.
(Much shouting from below.)
Sir James: ‘Tis much noisier than usual.
Lord Felix: How can they get any business done, shouting at each other so much?
Sir James: Oh, they don’t. They have been debating ye same question for about three years and three Prime Ministers now.
( Sir James gestures to the chamber floor )
Sir James : regard the two red lines running along the floor ?
Lord Felix ; Aye Sir James.
Sir James : They are to prevent two politicians from attacking each other with swords, as
it keeps their tips six inches apart !
Lord Felix : Um ? ... You can do a lot of damage with six inches, ...... as You've proven Sir James
( Sir James, raises an eye brow )
Lord Felix: Why do they not just ask ye people to decide for them?
Sir James: They tried that...
(Yells of “Order! Order!” from below.)
Lord Felix: Order?
Sir James: That ist very kind of thee, I’ll have a mead- let it be shaken, not stirred.
Lord Felix: There is a bar in here?
Sir James: Several- they find it very necessary. I believe Lord Ken Clarke ist an expert in that subject.
Lord Felix: Look, that member there ist crossing ye floor and joining one of ye other parties.
Sir James: A regular occurrence these days.
Lord Felix: Enough have I seen- I believe you mentioned a bar…?
Sir James: Hmm, someone in this House has had a good idea. Pity it isn’t one of ye Members below. Let’s go.
(Sir James and Lord Felix descend ye stairs and walk towards ye bar. A blond man rushes past them on his way to a waiting carriage.)
Lord Felix: Sir James, I do believe I just saw ye Prime Minister making a run for it!
Sir James: Nay, that was his brother making a sensible move and getting ye hell out of there.
Lord Felix: I hope they have bourbon in this bar.
Sir James: Nay, Felix- ‘tis no time to rye.
Just added an obvious Dick joke , I know my limits
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(Outside ye House of Commons, Sir James bids farewell to Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: A pleasure as ever, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, for me too. Art thou returning to ye colonies across the sea?
Lord Felix: I must go there apace. Our President hast said that he does not need my services, and as we all know that means he most certainly does.
Sir James: Of course. ‘Til later, then. (Lord Felix heads off. Sir James enters his waiting carriage. As he drives off, another carriage doth follow.)
Sir James: Hmm, it doth seem that someone is most interested to see where I am going…
(Chase scene follows. I’m no good at writing chase sequences- help! TP, C&D, N24, anyone! Ends with Sir James captured and knocked out.)
(Sir James gradually recovers consciousness.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) … Ye Gods, Felix, what was in that drink?….. (Sir James awakes to find himself facing 27 dignitaries sitting in a semi-circle. In ye centre sits a red-haired woman in her mid-sixties, her hands clasped in front of her.)
Anonymous Woman: Guten tag, Sir James. My apologies for the way you were brought here today. I was not sure you would accept a formal invitation.
Sir James: ‘Tis always possible.
Anonymous Woman: You know who I am?
Sir James: I would think most of ye Western world know who thou art, Frau M-
Anonymous Woman: Nein, no names bitte! Since thou hast recognised me, I am sure that thou knowest who my 26 colleagues are.
Sir James: ...I think I can work it out- except for ye Italian leader. I find it hard to keep up with how quickly those change.
Italian Leader: I wouldst say that thine country is not in a position to comment on that subject these days.
Sir James: Fair point, I withdraw my remark.
Anonymous Woman: Sir James, we have brought thee here as a representative of thine Government. None of ye politicians do seem to have a pair of ears to listen to us.
Sir James: Aye, ye British people have the same problem with them.
Frau Mer…. Er, Anonymous Woman: This we know. Let me introduce you to a now retired senior member of thine Civil Service. (Enter Sir Humphrey.)
Sir Humphrey: Let it be known that thine present interlocutor doth hope, nay, wish that thou art to be found in as convivial a state as possible at this current time of day.
Sir James: ...eh?
Anonymous Woman: I believe he said “Good morning”. It was our thought that our message to thine Prime Minster may be better received if thou heard it form a respected member of thine own establishment.
Sir James: Go ahead.
Sir Humphrey: To put it simply, Sir James, certain discussions both formal and informal have taken place involving a full and frank exchange of views, out of which there arose a series of proposals which on close examinations have led to the realization that alternative courses of action might, in fact, in certain circumstances be capable of discreet modification leading to a reappraisal of the original areas of difference and pointing the way to encouraging areas of compromise and co-operation which if bilaterally implemented with appropriate give and take on both sides might, if the climate were right, have a reasonable possibility of, at the end of the day, leading to a mutually satisfactory conclusion.
Sir James: I am not sure if I can remember all that! Could thee put thine message to ye Prime Minister more simply?
Sir Humphrey: If you must do this bloody silly thing, don’t do it in this bloody silly way.
Sir James: Well, I shalt tell him but I am not sure he will listen.
Anonymous Woman: And that, I think, concludes our business. Would thee like a piece of torte before going?
Sir James: I think not- ‘tis no time to pie.
(Lord Felix heads off. Sir James enters his waiting carriage. As he drives off, another carriage doth follow.)
Sir James: Hmm, it doth seem that someone is most interested to see where I am going…
(From the pocket of his doublet, Sir James removes a small hip flagon of mead. Polishing it briskly against his hose, he holds it aloft and studies the reflection of the following carriage.)
Sir James (to himself): Hmm, a blond man doth follow me. I pray, is that Sir David of Zaritsky, here to take the measure of my doublet again?
(The blond man leans from the window of his carriage and fires two arrows in quick succession at Sir James, who ducks as the arrows pass overhead.)
Sir James: Hmm, that blond man looks suspiciously like yon Prime Minister, or perhaps his brother who crossed the floor. ''Tis hard to tell!
(Sir James spurs on his horse even faster. Gravel spits from its hooves. Yet Sir James's pursuer closes the gap, his horse larger and more powerful than Sir James's. An arrow whistles by close to Sir James's ear, as another clangs from the footplate on which Sir James stands. Sir James's pursuer leans once more from his carriage, and shouts:)
Pursuer: Cuckoo!
Sir James: Oh Brother! But not that of ye Prime Minister.
(Ahead, ye great River Thames stretches and Sir James realises that he has moments before his steed gallops headlong into its swiftly moving currents. With all his strength, Sir James pulls at the rains and makes his steed skid to a stop. Swiftly he turns the beast and begins to gallop full tilt back at his pursuer. Sir James pulls a small lever and a shield rises from the carriage, against which his pursuer's arrows clang harmlessly away. As the two steeds charge mercilessly at each other, Sir James pulls a cord on his doublet, which drops away. A set of wooden and feather wings sprout from a harness strapped to his back. In the windrush, Sir James leaps and the wings carry him aloft, as his pursuer espies the river too late, and plunges into its currents, shouting as he falls:)
Pursuer: 'Tis no time to fly!
(Sir James floats to the ground)
Sir James: I was afraid he'd say that. ''Tis lucky Sir Leonardo da Vinci knocked this harness up for me while I wast last in Matera. I doth think he will go far.
(Outside ye House of Commons, Sir James bids farewell to Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: A pleasure as ever, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, for me too. Art thou returning to ye colonies across the sea?
Lord Felix: I must go there apace. Our President hast said that he does not need my services, and as we all know that means he most certainly does, He need-ith some new quills for drawing hurricane progress on parchments.
Sir James: Of course. ‘Til later, then.
(Lord Felix heads off. Sir James enters his waiting carriage. As he drives off, another carriage doth follow.)
Sir James: Hmm, it doth seem that someone is most interested to see where I am going…
( Shouting ) .... Driver do not Tarry ! ..... forward apace !!
( an arrow, dispatches Sir James driver and he has to take over the reins, and race through the
streets of Old London Town ... )
For when Sir James is knocked out, could he dream of " The wizard of Oz " as I was thinking
Corbyn as the cowardly lion as he's scared of an election.
Boris as the scarecrow, needing a brain
any suggestions for someone who need a heart ? as so far I'm stumped.
( This is only an idea )
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Wonderful stuff, guys! I'm looking forward to piecing all the bits together. Love the chase, C&D.
Tin Man without a heart... Rees Mogg? Great idea to have Sir James dream he's in Oz! He'd make a nice Dorothy, perhaps Felix is Toto? Need some Munchkins and a Wicked Witch....
Sir James: Toto, I don't think we're in London any more.
Lord Felix: Woof!
Scarecrow: Nay nay, and a thousand more nays! Dorothy, thou art in Oz!
Sir James: Oz? Then fair dinkum! G'day mate, where's the Barbie?
Scarecrow: Not that Oz! This Oz is ruled by ye Wicked Witch.
(Outside ye House of Commons, Sir James bids farewell to Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: A pleasure as ever, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, for me too. Art thou returning to ye colonies across the sea?
Lord Felix: I must go there apace. Our President hast said that he does not need my services, and as we all know that means he most certainly does. He needeth some new quills for drawing hurricane progress on parchments.
Sir James: Of course. ‘Til later, then. (Lord Felix heads off. Sir James enters his waiting carriage. As he drives off, another carriage doth follow.)
Sir James: Hmm, it doth seem that someone is most interested to see where I am going. (Shouting.) Driver, do not tarry! Forward apace!! (An arrow dispatches Sir James’ driver, and he has to take over the reins and race through the
streets of Olde London Town.)
Sir James: Tally-ho! (From ye pocket of his doublet, Sir James removes a small hip flagon of mead. Polishing it briskly against his hose, he holds it aloft and studies the reflection of ye following carriage.)
Sir James: (To himself.) Hmm, a blond man doth follow me. I pray, is that Sir David of Zaritsky, here to take the measure of my doublet again? (The blond man leans from the window of his carriage and fires two arrows in quick succession at Sir James, who ducks as the arrows pass overhead.)
Sir James: Hmm, that blond man looks suspiciously like yon Prime Minister, or perhaps his brother who had had enough and went home. ''Tis hard to tell! (Sir James spurs on his horse even faster. Gravel spits from its hooves. Yet Sir James's pursuer closes ye gap, his horse larger and more powerful than Sir James'. An arrow whistles by close to Sir James' ear, as another clangs from the footplate on which Sir James stands. Sir James' pursuer leans once more from his carriage, and shouts.)
Pursuer: Cuckoo!
Sir James: Oh Brother! But not that of ye Prime Minister. (Ahead, ye great River Thames stretches and Sir James realises that he has moments before his steed gallops headlong into its swiftly moving currents. With all his strength, Sir James pulls at the rains and makes his steed skid to a stop. Swiftly he turns ye beast and begins to gallop full tilt back at his pursuer. Sir James pulls a small lever and a shield rises from ye carriage, against which his pursuer's arrows clang harmlessly away. As the two steeds charge mercilessly at each other, Sir James pulls a cord on his doublet, which drops away. A set of wooden and feather wings sprout from a harness strapped to his back. In the windrush, Sir James leaps and ye wings carry him aloft, as his pursuer espies the river too late, and plunges into its currents, shouting as he falls.)
Pursuer: 'Tis no time to fly! (Sir James floats to the ground.)
Sir James: I was afraid he'd say that, we’ve done that one already. ''Tis lucky Sir Leonardo da Vinci knocked this harness up for me while I wast last in Matera. I doth think he will go far. (Sir James begins to nonchalantly walk away, when a henchman sidles from ye shadows and knocks him out.)
(While unconscious, Sir James dreams he’s Dorothy in “The Wizard Of Oz” with Boris as the Scarecrow looking for a brain, Jeremy Corbyn as the Cowardly Lion looking for his courage, and Jacob Rees Moog as the Tin Man looking for a heart. But we haven’t written that yet.)
(Sir James gradually recovers consciousness.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) … Ye Gods, Felix, what was in that drink?….. (Sir James awakes to find himself facing 27 dignitaries sitting in a semi-circle. In ye centre sits a red-haired woman in her mid-sixties, her hands clasped in front of her.)
Anonymous Woman: Guten tag, Sir James. My apologies for the way you were brought here today. I was not sure you would accept a formal invitation.
Sir James: ‘Tis always possible.
Anonymous Woman: You know who I am?
Sir James: I would think most of ye Western world know who thou art, Frau M-
Anonymous Woman: Nein, no names bitte! Since thou hast recognised me, I am sure that thou knows who my 26 colleagues are.
Sir James: ...i think I can work it out- except for ye Italian leader. I find it hard to keep up with how quickly those change.
Italian Leader: I wouldst say that thine country is not in a position to comment on that subject these days.
Sir James: Fair comment, I withdraw my remark.
Anonymous Woman: Sir James, we have brought thee here as a representative of thine Government. None of ye politicians do seem to have a pair of ears to listen to us.
Sir James: Aye, ye British people have the same problem with them.
Frau Mer…. Er, Anonymous Woman: This we know. Let me introuduce you to a now retired senior member of thine Civil Service. (Enter Sir Humphrey.)
Sir Humphrey: Let it be known that thine present interlocutor doth hope, nay, wish that thou art to be found in as convivial a state as possible at this current time of day.
Sir James: ...eh?
Anonymous Woman: I believe he said “Good morning”. It was our thought that our message to thine Prime Minster may be better received if thou heard it from a respected member of thine own establishment.
Sir Humphrey: To put it simply, Sir James, certain discussions both formal and informal have taken place involving a full and frank exchange of views, out of which there arose a series of proposals which on close examinations have led to the realization that alternative courses of action might, in fact, in certain circumstances be capable of discreet modification leading to a reappraisal of the original areas of difference and pointing the way to encouraging areas of compromise and co-operation which if bilaterally implemented with appropriate give and take on both sides might, if the climate were right, have a reasonable possibility of, at the end of the day, leading to a mutually satisfactory conclusion.
Sir James: I am not sure if I can remember all that! Could thee put thine message to ye Prime Minister more simply?
Sir Humphrey: If you must do this bloody stupid thing, don’t do it in this bloody silly way.
Sir James: Well, I shalt tell him but I am not sure he will listen.
Anonymous Woman: And that, I think, concludes our business. Would thee like a piece of torte before going?
Sir James: I think not- ‘tis no time to pie.
( Much dark clouds filter past, allowing the sun to shine through,....... from a haze Sir James awakens .... )
Sir James : Where be-ith I , this looks unfamiliar .... A wheat field, by a golden road, made of
golden bricks marked with a small letter "Z"..... a ... a couple of large chested, sizzling gypsy wenches
about to disrobe and ..........
( There is a flash and lord Barbel the keeper of the dream world appears ... )
Lord Barbel : This shall remain a pg 13 dream Sir James, so none of such saucy doings !!!!
( and with another flash he disappears )
Sir James : Oh well, I did try. Somehow I feel I be on a quest to find my Little dog, Felix
( A scarecrow, in the field doth speak )
Scarecrow : There hath been a great storm, called storm Theresa, we're expecting her to return
twice more , Ah, wiff waff and nescio quid agam as the French say.
Sir James : I must find my travelling companion who hath transmogrified in to Man's best friend.
Scarecrow : Yes, a mate with an alibi, when the wife asks about your latest girlfriend ?
Sir James : Nay, My dog Felix
Scarecrow : I think he has gone ahead to find a place pf great wisdom, Tolerance and Brotherly
love, the castle know as Parliament !!
Sir James : how can thee keep a straight face when-st saying that ? No matter I will also travel to
this Parliament to rejoin my friend, if as you say there be-ith much wisdom there, perhaps I shall
discover many answers !
Scarecrow : I never thought of that, ... my Brain doesn't work good, I don't er....think good
In my family the clever kid became a doctor or lawyer, the real thicko became ......
Sir James : A Politician ?
Scarecrow : ..... a scarecrow !
Sir James : Why not come with me, perhaps Parliament and the wise people there could help you too.
Scarecrow : Why that's a whizz bang Idea, Amo valebat as the Italians say. I be Horace how be you
known ?
Sir James : I be know as Sir Ja ....
Scarecrow : BORIS, Not Horace, that be me AH ....Im 'omnis homo ad opus righ as my old Nanny would
say
Sir James : Oh Hell, ye can just call me Dorothy !
Boris : Let us away on the golden brick road ...
Any opinions on Making the munchkins Zombies ?
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Comments
Sir Gareth: Yes, and ‘tis no time to fry...
Sir Gareth: Thee may find this mission impossible.
Sir James: Mayhap I should ask mine friend Lord Felix if Ethan Hunt ist free, then.
Sir Gareth: 'Tis not a matter we would share with those across the sea, 'tis purely a British problem. And French. And German. And...
Sir James: Well, at least Ireland shalt not be a problem.
Sir Gareth: ...ah....
Sir James: But surely, sire, Her Majesty would not stand for this! She must say "Nay".
Sir Gareth: ...ah...
Sir James: She said "Aye"? 'Tis enough to make one weep.
Sir Gareth: Naught Naught Seven, 'tis no time to cry.
Sir James: What can be done to prevent this from happening?
Sir Gareth: All our hopes rest with ye Leader Of Ye Opposition.
Sir James: ...ah...
The Rhythm Method.....
Sir Gareth : That's Rhythm Section Q !
Q: Aye, like Sir Boris we were advised to pull out at the last minute.
SIR JAMES BOND NAUGHT NAUGHT SEVEN
in
THE PROROGATION OF A TORY
Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory. Enter Sir James.
Maid Moneypenny: Why, there thou art, Sir James! I have been seeking thee everywhere.
Sir James: I was, er, just improving my French.
Maid Moneypenny: A master of many tongues thou most surely art.
Sir James: Nay, just one- but thou never take advantage of it.
Maid Moneypenny: Thou should attend Sir Gareth forthwith, he hast sent for thee most urgently.
Sir Gareth: A most serious situation hast arisen, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Great weapons have been purloined? Our agents have been slain?
Sir Gareth: Nay, it would seem that there is a threat to Parliament itself.
Sir James: Hmm, hast that Sir Guy Fawkes character escaped from gaol and got up to his olde tricks again? ‘Twould seem he did try to fry the Parliament.
Sir Gareth: Yes, and ‘tis no time to fry…
Sir James: I see what you did there.
Sir Gareth: ‘Twould seem that our Parliament ist to be prevented from its business, at a time of great importance, in a most unusual and some say unconstitutional and undemocratic manner.
Sir James: Nay! What does ye Prime Minister have to say?
Sir Gareth. ...ah…. I was afraid thou might ask that… Thee may find this mission impossible.
Sir James: Mayhap I should ask mine friend Lord Felix if Ethan Hunt ist free, then.
Sir Gareth: 'Tis not a matter we would share with those across the sea, 'tis purely a British problem. Well, and French. And German. And...
Sir James: Well, at least Ireland should not be a problem.
Sir Gareth: ...ah....
Sir James: But surely, sire, Her Majesty would not stand for this! She must say "Nay".
Sir Gareth: ...ah...
Sir James: She said "Aye"? 'Tis no time to "Aye"!
Sir Gareth: I was afraid you'd say that.
Sir James: 'Tis enough to make one weep.
Sir Gareth: Naught Naught Seven, 'tis no time to cry.
Sir James: Enough bad puns. What can be done to prevent this from happening?
Sir Gareth: All our hopes rest with ye Leader Of Ye Opposition.
Sir James: ...ah…
Sir Gareth: Let us consult ye Young Wizard.
(Ye Young Wizard ist sent for.)
Young Wizard: To keep any interlopers confused we are to call this mission The Rhythm Method.
Sir Gareth: That's Rhythm Section, Wizard!
Young Wizard: Aye, like Sir Boris we were advised to pull out at the last minute.
Sir James: Is this true?
Young Wizard: Naught Naught Seven, 'tis no time to lie!
Sir James: Hmph, everyone's at it now.
(Much shouting ist heard from ye street below.)
Sir Gareth: What ist that noise?
Sir James: 'Tis many people marching on Parliament to protest against ye Prime Minister's prorogation.
Sir Gareth: I'm beginning to think that Sir Guy Fawkes had the right idea...
Sir James: Mayhap I should learn more about him.
Sir Gareth: Aye, I shalt arrange for thee to go see him at ye Tower of London. They shalt go over all ye physical procedures used with him. Do not deviate from them for any reason whatsoever. And thou art to tell him nothing personal. Believe me, thou dost not want Guy Fawkes inside thine head.
Guard: I prithee, remember ye rules. Do not touch or approach ye glass. You pass him nothing but soft paper. No pencils or pens. No staples or paperclips in his paper. Use the sliding food carrier. If he attempts to pass you anything, do not accept it. Do you understand me?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis understood.
Guard: He ist past the others, ye last cell. Thou keepest to ye right. I hath put out a chair for thee.
Sir James: Very good, I thank’ee.
(Sir James walks to ye last cell, where a man ist waiting.)
Guy Fawkes: Good morning.
Sir James: Sir Guy, I am he who ist called Bond, James Bond. May I speak with thee?
Guy Fawkes: Thou art one of Sir Gareth Mallory's, art thee not?
Sir James: I am, yes.
Guy Fawkes: May I see thine credentials?
Sir James: Certainly.
Guy Fawkes: Closer, please. Closer. Hmm, that is very impressive.
Sir James: ‘Tis these tights, I must have a word with mine tailor.
Guy Fawkes: Tell me what thou wouldst know, Sir James. Thrill me with thine acumen.
Sir James: ‘Tis told that thou had a most drastic idea for ye British Parliament.
Guy Fawkes: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir James: Why was that?
Guy Fawkes: A politician once tried to serve me a survey. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Sir James: Why his liver?
Guy Fawkes: Well, being a politician he had no heart and no brain.
Sir James: Fair enough.
Guy Fawkes: So I tried to destroy ye Houses of Parliament with some gunpowder. Well, quite a lot of gunpowder actually.
Sir James: Sounds pretty final.
Guy Fawkes: Aye, but alas I was caught. (Breathes heavily.)
Sir James: Nay, nay... 'tis no time to sigh.
Ye cave of ye Young Wizard. Enter Sir James.
Sir James: Greetings, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven. How did thine meeting with Sir Guy Fawkes proceed?
Sir James: Alack, his only advice was to blow up ye Houses of Parliament.
Young Wizard: Hmm, some might agree with him there.
Sir James: ‘Tis true, but that option ist not open to us. Hast thou any advice for me?
Young Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this enchanted knife! ‘Twill stand by thine side, then stab thee in the back when thou doth least expect it.
Sir James: Sounds of no use whatsoever.
Young Wizard: True. I call it the “Gove”. Behold this pair of hose! They are designed in such a way that if thee fall in water, the hind portions shall fill with air to twice their natural size to keep thee afloat.
Sir James: And what is its title?
Young Wizard: I call it ye “Kardashian”.
Sir James: Butt of course. Sorry I ass-ked. And what ist this here?
Young Wizard: Ah, this spins around for years to no effect whatsoever. I call it-
Sir James: Ye "Theresa"?
Young Wizard: Nay, 'tis called ye "Corbyn".
Sir James: But of course.
Young Wizard: And this ist called ye "Sheeran". It emits a sound guaranteed to cause thine enemies to fall asleep. Unfortunately it also has that effect on thine friends as well- I'm working on it.
Sir James: Sure I am that thou willst succeed. Now, 'tis time for lunch.
Young Wizard: I am planning on making some fish & chips, wouldst thee care to join me?
Sir James: I must decline- 'tis no time to fry.
You get the idea. All help welcome.
Guard: I prithee, remember ye rules. Do not touch or approach ye glass. You pass him nothing but soft paper. No pencils or pens. No staples or paperclips in his paper. Use the sliding food carrier. If he attempts to pass you anything, do not accept it. Do you understand me?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis understood.
Guard: He ist past the others, ye last cell. Thou keep'est to ye right. I hath put out a chair for thee.
Sir James: Very good, I thank’ee.
(Sir James moves forward passing several cells a noise comes from the first ......)
Prisoner: Make the Colonies great again! I shall build a wall, The bigglyest wall ever.
Hadrian, Great guy by the way, great guy.... He had the right idea to keep those rebellious Scots out .......
Sir James: Still blowing his own Trump-et I see.
( He shakes his head and passes another cell .......)
Prisoner 2: Come closer friend look at what I've got in my Hand .....
( He doth throw something in to Sir James's face ........ it was, some white ... papers )
Sir James: Not yet more amendments, You Mad Bercow.
(Sir James walks to ye last cell, where a man ist waiting.)
Guy Fawkes: Good morning.
Sir James: Sir Guy, I am he who ist called Bond, James Bond. May I speak with thee?
Guy Fawkes: What did Bercow say unto ye, ?
Sir James: He did shout ORDER! ORDER !
Guy Fawkes: I do so hate Bad Manners.
Sir James: Oh, I don't know ... Leap up Fatty was very good.
Guy Fawkes: Thou art one of Sir Gareth Mallory's, art thee not?
Sir James: I am, yes.
Guy Fawkes: May I see thine credentials?
Sir James: Certainly.
Guy Fawkes: Closer, please. Closer. Hmm, that is very impressive.
Sir James: ‘Tis these tights, I must have a word with mine tailor.
Guy Fawkes: Tell me what thou wouldst know, Sir James. Thrill me with thine acumen.
Sir James: ‘Tis told that thou had a most drastic idea for ye British Parliament.
Guy Fawkes: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir James: Why was that?
Guy Fawkes: A politician once tried to serve me a survey. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Sir James: Why his liver?
Guy Fawkes: Well, being a politician he had no heart and no brain.
Sir James: Fair enough. Also the arse and elbow are interchangeable.
Guy Fawkes: So I tried to destroy ye Houses of Parliament with some gunpowder. Well, quite a lot of gunpowder actually.
Sir James: Sounds pretty final.
Guy Fawkes: Aye, but alas I was caught. (Breathes heavily.)
Sir James: Nay, nay... 'tis no time to sigh.
Sir James: Greetings, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven. How did thine meeting with Sir Guy Fawkes proceed?
Sir James: Alack, his only advice was to blow up ye Houses of Parliament.
Young Wizard: Hmm, some might agree with him there.
Sir James: ‘Tis true, but that option ist not open to us. Hast thou any advice for me?
Young Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this enchanted knife! ‘Twill stand by thine side, then stab thee in the back when thou doth least expect it.
Sir James: Sounds of no use whatsoever.
Young Wizard: True. I call it the “Gove”. Behold this pair of hose! They are designed in such a way that if thee fall in water, the hind portions shall fill with air to twice their natural size to keep thee afloat.
Sir James: And what is its title?
Young Wizard: I call it ye “Kardashian”.
Sir James: Butt of course. Sorry I ass-ked. And what ist this here?
Young Wizard: Ah, this spins around for years to no effect whatsoever. I call it-
Sir James: Ye "Theresa"?
Young Wizard: Nay, 'tis called ye "Corbyn".
Sir James: Doth it cost much to keep running ?
Young Wizard: Nay luckily we hath a new accountant the lady Diane Abbott, so it costs virtually nothing.
Sir James: Ah, I see.
Young Wizard: And this ist called ye "Sheeran". It emits a sound guaranteed to cause thine enemies to fall asleep. Unfortunately it also has that effect on thine friends as well- I'm working on it.
Sir James: Sure I am that thou willst succeed. Now, 'tis time for lunch.
Young Wizard: This little pill is a mixture of herbs and exotic spices, which makes a person remember
the past differently......... we call it the Prince Andrew!
Sir James: ..and this metal ring ?
Young Wizard: That beith my Prince Albert.
(Sir James drops it to the floor.)
Young Wizard: I am planning on making some fish & chips, wouldst thee care to join me?
Sir James: I must decline- 'tis no time to fry.
Sorted.
Sir James: I thank’ee for meeting me here, Lord Felix. Apologies for being late.
Lord Felix: ‘Tis no problem, Sir James. I have been enjoying watching ye antics of ye comedian below, while waiting for ye Prime Minister to appear.
Sir James: Comedian? (Looks below.) Alack, Lord Felix, that IS our Prime Minister.
Lord Felix: Hmm, I begin to see thine problem.
Sir James: Indeed.
Lord Felix: That man there in old-fashioned clothes, even for our century, lounging about on ye benches- ist he ye Leader Of Ye Opposition?
Sir James: Nay, that ist ye Leader Of Ye House.
Lord Felix: Then who ist ye Leader Of Ye Opposition?
Sir James: Yon bearded man there, in ye big girls’ blouse.
(Much shouting from below.)
Sir James: ‘Tis much noisier than usual.
Lord Felix: How can they get any business done, shouting at each other so much?
Sir James: Oh, they don’t. They have been debating ye same question for about three years and three Prime Ministers now.
Lord Felix: Why do they not just ask ye people to decide for them?
Sir James: They tried that...
(Yells of “Order! Order!” from below.)
Lord Felix: Order?
Sir James: That ist very kind of thee, I’ll have a mead- let it be shaken, not stirred.
Lord Felix: There is a bar in here?
Sir James: Several- they find it very necessary. I believe Lord Ken Clarke ist an expert in that subject.
Lord Felix: Look, that member there ist crossing ye floor and joining one of ye other parties.
Sir James: A regular occurrence these days.
Lord Felix: Enough have I seen- I believe you mentioned a bar…?
Sir James: Hmm, someone in this House has had a good idea. Pity it isn’t one of ye Members below. Let’s go.
(Sir James and Lord Felix descend ye stairs and walk towards ye bar. A blond man rushes past them on his way to a waiting carriage.)
Lord Felix: Sir James, I do believe I just saw ye Prime Minister making a run for it!
Sir James: Nay, that was his brother making a sensible move and getting ye hell out of there.
Lord Felix: I hope they have bourbon in this bar.
Sir James: Nay, Felix- ‘tis no time to rye.
Sir James: I thank’ee for meeting me here, Lord Felix. Apologies for being late.
Lord Felix: ‘Tis no problem, Sir James. I have been enjoying watching ye antics of ye comedian below, while waiting for ye Prime Minister to appear.
Sir James: Comedian? (Looks below.) Alack, Lord Felix, that IS our Prime Minister.
Lord Felix: Hmm, I begin to see thine problem.
Sir James: Indeed.
Lord Felix: That man there in old-fashioned clothes, even for our century, lounging about on ye benches- ist he ye Leader Of Ye Opposition?
Sir James: Nay, that ist ye Leader Of Ye House.
Lord Felix: Then who ist ye Leader Of Ye Opposition?
Sir James: Yon bearded man there, in ye big girls’ blouse.
(Much shouting from below.)
Sir James: ‘Tis much noisier than usual.
Lord Felix: How can they get any business done, shouting at each other so much?
Sir James: Oh, they don’t. They have been debating ye same question for about three years and three Prime Ministers now.
( Sir James gestures to the chamber floor )
Sir James : regard the two red lines running along the floor ?
Lord Felix ; Aye Sir James.
Sir James : They are to prevent two politicians from attacking each other with swords, as
it keeps their tips six inches apart !
Lord Felix : Um ? ... You can do a lot of damage with six inches, ...... as You've proven Sir James
( Sir James, raises an eye brow )
Lord Felix: Why do they not just ask ye people to decide for them?
Sir James: They tried that...
(Yells of “Order! Order!” from below.)
Lord Felix: Order?
Sir James: That ist very kind of thee, I’ll have a mead- let it be shaken, not stirred.
Lord Felix: There is a bar in here?
Sir James: Several- they find it very necessary. I believe Lord Ken Clarke ist an expert in that subject.
Lord Felix: Look, that member there ist crossing ye floor and joining one of ye other parties.
Sir James: A regular occurrence these days.
Lord Felix: Enough have I seen- I believe you mentioned a bar…?
Sir James: Hmm, someone in this House has had a good idea. Pity it isn’t one of ye Members below. Let’s go.
(Sir James and Lord Felix descend ye stairs and walk towards ye bar. A blond man rushes past them on his way to a waiting carriage.)
Lord Felix: Sir James, I do believe I just saw ye Prime Minister making a run for it!
Sir James: Nay, that was his brother making a sensible move and getting ye hell out of there.
Lord Felix: I hope they have bourbon in this bar.
Sir James: Nay, Felix- ‘tis no time to rye.
Just added an obvious Dick joke , I know my limits
"A man's gotta know his limitations"... oh wait, wrong series.
My limitations are that I don't know where to send Sir James next!
Lord Felix: A pleasure as ever, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, for me too. Art thou returning to ye colonies across the sea?
Lord Felix: I must go there apace. Our President hast said that he does not need my services, and as we all know that means he most certainly does.
Sir James: Of course. ‘Til later, then.
(Lord Felix heads off. Sir James enters his waiting carriage. As he drives off, another carriage doth follow.)
Sir James: Hmm, it doth seem that someone is most interested to see where I am going…
(Chase scene follows. I’m no good at writing chase sequences- help! TP, C&D, N24, anyone! Ends with Sir James captured and knocked out.)
(Sir James gradually recovers consciousness.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) … Ye Gods, Felix, what was in that drink?…..
(Sir James awakes to find himself facing 27 dignitaries sitting in a semi-circle. In ye centre sits a red-haired woman in her mid-sixties, her hands clasped in front of her.)
Anonymous Woman: Guten tag, Sir James. My apologies for the way you were brought here today. I was not sure you would accept a formal invitation.
Sir James: ‘Tis always possible.
Anonymous Woman: You know who I am?
Sir James: I would think most of ye Western world know who thou art, Frau M-
Anonymous Woman: Nein, no names bitte! Since thou hast recognised me, I am sure that thou knowest who my 26 colleagues are.
Sir James: ...I think I can work it out- except for ye Italian leader. I find it hard to keep up with how quickly those change.
Italian Leader: I wouldst say that thine country is not in a position to comment on that subject these days.
Sir James: Fair point, I withdraw my remark.
Anonymous Woman: Sir James, we have brought thee here as a representative of thine Government. None of ye politicians do seem to have a pair of ears to listen to us.
Sir James: Aye, ye British people have the same problem with them.
Frau Mer…. Er, Anonymous Woman: This we know. Let me introduce you to a now retired senior member of thine Civil Service.
(Enter Sir Humphrey.)
Sir Humphrey: Let it be known that thine present interlocutor doth hope, nay, wish that thou art to be found in as convivial a state as possible at this current time of day.
Sir James: ...eh?
Anonymous Woman: I believe he said “Good morning”. It was our thought that our message to thine Prime Minster may be better received if thou heard it form a respected member of thine own establishment.
Sir James: Go ahead.
Sir Humphrey: To put it simply, Sir James, certain discussions both formal and informal have taken place involving a full and frank exchange of views, out of which there arose a series of proposals which on close examinations have led to the realization that alternative courses of action might, in fact, in certain circumstances be capable of discreet modification leading to a reappraisal of the original areas of difference and pointing the way to encouraging areas of compromise and co-operation which if bilaterally implemented with appropriate give and take on both sides might, if the climate were right, have a reasonable possibility of, at the end of the day, leading to a mutually satisfactory conclusion.
Sir James: I am not sure if I can remember all that! Could thee put thine message to ye Prime Minister more simply?
Sir Humphrey: If you must do this bloody silly thing, don’t do it in this bloody silly way.
Sir James: Well, I shalt tell him but I am not sure he will listen.
Anonymous Woman: And that, I think, concludes our business. Would thee like a piece of torte before going?
Sir James: I think not- ‘tis no time to pie.
I'll have a crack at a chase scene - not sure I will be able to match the wit of the last scenes though!
Sir James: Hmm, it doth seem that someone is most interested to see where I am going…
(From the pocket of his doublet, Sir James removes a small hip flagon of mead. Polishing it briskly against his hose, he holds it aloft and studies the reflection of the following carriage.)
Sir James (to himself): Hmm, a blond man doth follow me. I pray, is that Sir David of Zaritsky, here to take the measure of my doublet again?
(The blond man leans from the window of his carriage and fires two arrows in quick succession at Sir James, who ducks as the arrows pass overhead.)
Sir James: Hmm, that blond man looks suspiciously like yon Prime Minister, or perhaps his brother who crossed the floor. ''Tis hard to tell!
(Sir James spurs on his horse even faster. Gravel spits from its hooves. Yet Sir James's pursuer closes the gap, his horse larger and more powerful than Sir James's. An arrow whistles by close to Sir James's ear, as another clangs from the footplate on which Sir James stands. Sir James's pursuer leans once more from his carriage, and shouts:)
Pursuer: Cuckoo!
Sir James: Oh Brother! But not that of ye Prime Minister.
(Ahead, ye great River Thames stretches and Sir James realises that he has moments before his steed gallops headlong into its swiftly moving currents. With all his strength, Sir James pulls at the rains and makes his steed skid to a stop. Swiftly he turns the beast and begins to gallop full tilt back at his pursuer. Sir James pulls a small lever and a shield rises from the carriage, against which his pursuer's arrows clang harmlessly away. As the two steeds charge mercilessly at each other, Sir James pulls a cord on his doublet, which drops away. A set of wooden and feather wings sprout from a harness strapped to his back. In the windrush, Sir James leaps and the wings carry him aloft, as his pursuer espies the river too late, and plunges into its currents, shouting as he falls:)
Pursuer: 'Tis no time to fly!
(Sir James floats to the ground)
Sir James: I was afraid he'd say that. ''Tis lucky Sir Leonardo da Vinci knocked this harness up for me while I wast last in Matera. I doth think he will go far.
Lord Felix: A pleasure as ever, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, for me too. Art thou returning to ye colonies across the sea?
Lord Felix: I must go there apace. Our President hast said that he does not need my services, and as we all know that means he most certainly does, He need-ith some new quills for drawing hurricane progress on parchments.
Sir James: Of course. ‘Til later, then.
(Lord Felix heads off. Sir James enters his waiting carriage. As he drives off, another carriage doth follow.)
Sir James: Hmm, it doth seem that someone is most interested to see where I am going…
( Shouting ) .... Driver do not Tarry ! ..... forward apace !!
( an arrow, dispatches Sir James driver and he has to take over the reins, and race through the
streets of Old London Town ... )
For when Sir James is knocked out, could he dream of " The wizard of Oz " as I was thinking
Corbyn as the cowardly lion as he's scared of an election.
Boris as the scarecrow, needing a brain
any suggestions for someone who need a heart ? as so far I'm stumped.
( This is only an idea )
Wonderful stuff, guys! I'm looking forward to piecing all the bits together. Love the chase, C&D.
Tin Man without a heart... Rees Mogg? Great idea to have Sir James dream he's in Oz! He'd make a nice Dorothy, perhaps Felix is Toto? Need some Munchkins and a Wicked Witch....
Sir James: Toto, I don't think we're in London any more.
Lord Felix: Woof!
Scarecrow: Nay nay, and a thousand more nays! Dorothy, thou art in Oz!
Sir James: Oz? Then fair dinkum! G'day mate, where's the Barbie?
Scarecrow: Not that Oz! This Oz is ruled by ye Wicked Witch.
(Outside ye House of Commons, Sir James bids farewell to Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: A pleasure as ever, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, for me too. Art thou returning to ye colonies across the sea?
Lord Felix: I must go there apace. Our President hast said that he does not need my services, and as we all know that means he most certainly does. He needeth some new quills for drawing hurricane progress on parchments.
Sir James: Of course. ‘Til later, then.
(Lord Felix heads off. Sir James enters his waiting carriage. As he drives off, another carriage doth follow.)
Sir James: Hmm, it doth seem that someone is most interested to see where I am going. (Shouting.) Driver, do not tarry! Forward apace!!
(An arrow dispatches Sir James’ driver, and he has to take over the reins and race through the
streets of Olde London Town.)
Sir James: Tally-ho!
(From ye pocket of his doublet, Sir James removes a small hip flagon of mead. Polishing it briskly against his hose, he holds it aloft and studies the reflection of ye following carriage.)
Sir James: (To himself.) Hmm, a blond man doth follow me. I pray, is that Sir David of Zaritsky, here to take the measure of my doublet again?
(The blond man leans from the window of his carriage and fires two arrows in quick succession at Sir James, who ducks as the arrows pass overhead.)
Sir James: Hmm, that blond man looks suspiciously like yon Prime Minister, or perhaps his brother who had had enough and went home. ''Tis hard to tell!
(Sir James spurs on his horse even faster. Gravel spits from its hooves. Yet Sir James's pursuer closes ye gap, his horse larger and more powerful than Sir James'. An arrow whistles by close to Sir James' ear, as another clangs from the footplate on which Sir James stands. Sir James' pursuer leans once more from his carriage, and shouts.)
Pursuer: Cuckoo!
Sir James: Oh Brother! But not that of ye Prime Minister.
(Ahead, ye great River Thames stretches and Sir James realises that he has moments before his steed gallops headlong into its swiftly moving currents. With all his strength, Sir James pulls at the rains and makes his steed skid to a stop. Swiftly he turns ye beast and begins to gallop full tilt back at his pursuer. Sir James pulls a small lever and a shield rises from ye carriage, against which his pursuer's arrows clang harmlessly away. As the two steeds charge mercilessly at each other, Sir James pulls a cord on his doublet, which drops away. A set of wooden and feather wings sprout from a harness strapped to his back. In the windrush, Sir James leaps and ye wings carry him aloft, as his pursuer espies the river too late, and plunges into its currents, shouting as he falls.)
Pursuer: 'Tis no time to fly!
(Sir James floats to the ground.)
Sir James: I was afraid he'd say that, we’ve done that one already. ''Tis lucky Sir Leonardo da Vinci knocked this harness up for me while I wast last in Matera. I doth think he will go far.
(Sir James begins to nonchalantly walk away, when a henchman sidles from ye shadows and knocks him out.)
(While unconscious, Sir James dreams he’s Dorothy in “The Wizard Of Oz” with Boris as the Scarecrow looking for a brain, Jeremy Corbyn as the Cowardly Lion looking for his courage, and Jacob Rees Moog as the Tin Man looking for a heart. But we haven’t written that yet.)
(Sir James gradually recovers consciousness.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) … Ye Gods, Felix, what was in that drink?…..
(Sir James awakes to find himself facing 27 dignitaries sitting in a semi-circle. In ye centre sits a red-haired woman in her mid-sixties, her hands clasped in front of her.)
Anonymous Woman: Guten tag, Sir James. My apologies for the way you were brought here today. I was not sure you would accept a formal invitation.
Sir James: ‘Tis always possible.
Anonymous Woman: You know who I am?
Sir James: I would think most of ye Western world know who thou art, Frau M-
Anonymous Woman: Nein, no names bitte! Since thou hast recognised me, I am sure that thou knows who my 26 colleagues are.
Sir James: ...i think I can work it out- except for ye Italian leader. I find it hard to keep up with how quickly those change.
Italian Leader: I wouldst say that thine country is not in a position to comment on that subject these days.
Sir James: Fair comment, I withdraw my remark.
Anonymous Woman: Sir James, we have brought thee here as a representative of thine Government. None of ye politicians do seem to have a pair of ears to listen to us.
Sir James: Aye, ye British people have the same problem with them.
Frau Mer…. Er, Anonymous Woman: This we know. Let me introuduce you to a now retired senior member of thine Civil Service.
(Enter Sir Humphrey.)
Sir Humphrey: Let it be known that thine present interlocutor doth hope, nay, wish that thou art to be found in as convivial a state as possible at this current time of day.
Sir James: ...eh?
Anonymous Woman: I believe he said “Good morning”. It was our thought that our message to thine Prime Minster may be better received if thou heard it from a respected member of thine own establishment.
Sir Humphrey: To put it simply, Sir James, certain discussions both formal and informal have taken place involving a full and frank exchange of views, out of which there arose a series of proposals which on close examinations have led to the realization that alternative courses of action might, in fact, in certain circumstances be capable of discreet modification leading to a reappraisal of the original areas of difference and pointing the way to encouraging areas of compromise and co-operation which if bilaterally implemented with appropriate give and take on both sides might, if the climate were right, have a reasonable possibility of, at the end of the day, leading to a mutually satisfactory conclusion.
Sir James: I am not sure if I can remember all that! Could thee put thine message to ye Prime Minister more simply?
Sir Humphrey: If you must do this bloody stupid thing, don’t do it in this bloody silly way.
Sir James: Well, I shalt tell him but I am not sure he will listen.
Anonymous Woman: And that, I think, concludes our business. Would thee like a piece of torte before going?
Sir James: I think not- ‘tis no time to pie.
Sir James : Where be-ith I , this looks unfamiliar .... A wheat field, by a golden road, made of
golden bricks marked with a small letter "Z"..... a ... a couple of large chested, sizzling gypsy wenches
about to disrobe and ..........
( There is a flash and lord Barbel the keeper of the dream world appears ... )
Lord Barbel : This shall remain a pg 13 dream Sir James, so none of such saucy doings !!!!
( and with another flash he disappears )
Sir James : Oh well, I did try. Somehow I feel I be on a quest to find my Little dog, Felix
( A scarecrow, in the field doth speak )
Scarecrow : There hath been a great storm, called storm Theresa, we're expecting her to return
twice more , Ah, wiff waff and nescio quid agam as the French say.
Sir James : I must find my travelling companion who hath transmogrified in to Man's best friend.
Scarecrow : Yes, a mate with an alibi, when the wife asks about your latest girlfriend ?
Sir James : Nay, My dog Felix
Scarecrow : I think he has gone ahead to find a place pf great wisdom, Tolerance and Brotherly
love, the castle know as Parliament !!
Sir James : how can thee keep a straight face when-st saying that ? No matter I will also travel to
this Parliament to rejoin my friend, if as you say there be-ith much wisdom there, perhaps I shall
discover many answers !
Scarecrow : I never thought of that, ... my Brain doesn't work good, I don't er....think good
In my family the clever kid became a doctor or lawyer, the real thicko became ......
Sir James : A Politician ?
Scarecrow : ..... a scarecrow !
Sir James : Why not come with me, perhaps Parliament and the wise people there could help you too.
Scarecrow : Why that's a whizz bang Idea, Amo valebat as the Italians say. I be Horace how be you
known ?
Sir James : I be know as Sir Ja ....
Scarecrow : BORIS, Not Horace, that be me AH ....Im 'omnis homo ad opus righ as my old Nanny would
say
Sir James : Oh Hell, ye can just call me Dorothy !
Boris : Let us away on the golden brick road ...
Any opinions on Making the munchkins Zombies ?