AJB presents William Shakespeare's James Bond in...

Barbel · February 2016

Introduction

Welcome to the crazy world of Sir James Bond, in Shakespearean times!

A while back, we got the idea to interpret the James Bond scripts as if they had been written by William Shakespeare. Over time, the following scenarios developed. The main collaborators are Thunderpussy and myself, with total acknowledgement of the contributions made by chrisisall, Number24, Thunderbird 2, Charmed & Dangerous, James Suzuki, heartbrokenmrdrax, Dirty Punker, BondJasonBond006, caractacus potts and Westward_Drift (see below for credits). Collectively, we hope you enjoy them. And, yes, the pictures are of the real actors & actresses in assorted plays, films, or TV shows. Many AJB members turn up in cameos, too- maybe you...

Please add any comments in this thread: http://www.ajb007.co.uk/topic/45213/shakespeares-bond-work-area-all-welcome/ which also explains how this whole "Shakespeare does 007" idea came about. All credit to chrisisall for the original idea!

My favourite is "The Undertaker's Wind", our version of LALD. You don't have to read them in order! (In fact, probably better if you don't- try the Roger Moore ones first.)

One more thing: This is a work in progress. New lines and scenes are frequently being added. So, even if you've read these before there will be something new. If you'd like to contribute or comment, drop in at http://www.ajb007.co.uk/topic/45213/shakespeares-bond-work-area-all-welcome/ and feel free to add suggestions.

While waiting for Bond 25, having done parodies of all the Bond films (well, except CR67 of course- parodying THAT would be even crazier than normal) Thunderpussy and I got busy writing some new ones- which are more pastiche than parody, of course. They're at the end.

Recurring cast:

Sir James Bond: Discreet servant of Her Majesty. Known as Naught Naught Seven.

Sir Miles Messervy: His boss, whether Lee or Brown. Later replaced by...
Dame Miles: Whether Mawdsley or Mansfield. Later replaced by...
Sir Gareth Mallory

William of Tanner: Deputy to the above, Squire of the Lego Fortress
Maid Moneypenny: Clerking wench to the above

Old Wizard: Supplies magical aid to Naught Naught Seven. On his retirement, is replaced briefly by the...
New Wizard: Who is succeeded by the...
Young Wizard: With a mortgage and two cats to feed.

Felix, Lord of Leiter: Sir James's friend from across the sea.
Comte de Blofeld: Sir James's eternal foe.
Green Shoe Man: We have no idea who this is.

Barbel · February 2016

AJB presents

Act 1, Scene 1. A gaming house.

Steward: Whom do you seek, honoured sir?
Man who will never be seen again: I seek he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Steward: And who should I say is calling?
Man: Here, giveth him my card.
Steward: (Reading.) Barry's personal massage with guaranteed "Happy Ending"...?
Man: Oh sorry, wrong card- this be'eth the right card.
Steward: I prithee, tarry here and I shall call on him.

(At a gaming table.)
Duchess Sylvia: Another thousand pieces of gold doth I need.
Sir James: Thine courage dost inspire great admiration in me, Lady...?
Duchess Sylvia: I am she who is called Sylvia, Duchess of Trench. Thine good fortune dost inspire great admiration in me, Sir....?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
(Sir James reaches into a small gunmetal grey pouch, and retrieves some dried weed and two black flints.)
Duchess Sylvia: Ah! Might that be the famed 'tobacco' which of late Lord Raleigh hast brought from o'erseas?
Sir James: Aye, Duchess, 'tis true.
Duchess Sylvia: Dost thou... chew it?
Sir James: Nay, Duchess, observe...
(At this Sir James sprinkles the weed into some papers and rolls it into it a tube.)
Sir James: Thou sets it afire and breathes deeply into thy lungs. (He does exactly that.)
Duchess Sylvia: 'Twill ne'er catch on...
(Ye steward whispers into Sir James's ear and gives him a card.)
Sir James: Alack, I must leave- pray forgive me.
(He rises to go, and Duchess Sylvia doth follow.)
Duchess Sylvia: 'Tis too bad, for matters were becoming... interesting.
Sir James: Hast thou other pastimes, Duchess Sylvia?
Duchess Sylvia: Aye, I do enjoy horizontal jogging, dancing in ye dark, hiding ye bishop, two partner push-ups... and punting.
Sir James: Tomorrow then?
Duchess Sylvia: I shall let thee know...
(Sir James hands Duchess Sylvia a card.)
Duchess Sylvia: (Reading.) Barry's personal massage with guaranteed "Happy Ending"...?
Sir James: Oh sorry, wrong card- this be'eth the right card. Mine address ist there. Also a list of taxi carriages to take thee there and back, and ye name of a voluntary organisation to help ye recover afterwards.

Act 1, Scene 2. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Moneypenny: Ah, Sir James, I hast been searching for thee.
Sir James: Search no more, Maid Moneypenny, I am all yours.
Moneypenny: To dine with me thou hast never this apparel worn, Sir James.... To dine with me thou hast never.
Sir James: I wouldst most sincerely, were ye not the chattel of Sir Miles.
Moneypenny: Thou had better go right in.

Sir James: Hail to thee this fine evening, mine liege.
Sir Miles: The clock three times after midnight has struck, Naught Naught Seven. Dost thou sleep not?
Sir James: Ne'er do I sleep in thy service, sire.
Sir Miles: Does the term Topol-ing mean anything to you, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: It's dressing up as a beloved actor and singing about being a rich man, isn't it?
Sir Miles: Aye, but it also means interfering with ye flight path of a cannon ball. The American colonists have been using a new powerful cannon, but their balls are dropping all over the place.
Sir James: Oh, I believe that's called teabagging, sire.
Sir Miles: Last one landed in ye Caribbean, so thou shalt find out what or who is responsible.
Sir James: Aye sire, I'll find out who's been interfering with their balls.
Sir Miles: Then to far Jamaica must thou sail, Naught Naught Seven. Our man ye Duke of Strangways was investigating but he and his clerking wench have disappeared.
Sir James: Aye, mine liege.
Sir Miles: Now, thine flintlock thou must give to me forthwith.
(Sir James reluctantly hands his flintlock to Sir Miles, who gives it to ye Old Wizard.)
Old Wizard: ‘Tis more fitting for a damsel. This flintlock I now give thee shall its pellets deliver even as a building stone through an aperture of glass.
Sir James: Then I shalt use it forthwith.
Sir Miles: And, Naught Naught Seven...
Sir James: Sire?
Sir Miles: Leave thine old flintlock with me.
(Reluctantly Sir James does so.)

Act 1, Scene 3. The bedchamber of Sir James. Duchess Sylvia plays golf.

Duchess Sylvia: Alas, thou hast compelled me to miss it.
Sir James: Miss a thing thou dost not. Verily mine balls hath not been better played with...!
Duchess Sylvia: The right thing I doth aspire to have done.
Sir James: 'Tis the right thing, albeit at the wrong time.
Duchess Sylvia: Thou must leave? When matters doth become... interesting again?
Sir James: For Jamaica I must leave immediately.
Duchess Sylvia: Immediately?
Sir James: Approaching immediately...

Act 2, Scene 1. A port. Sir James doth saunter down ye gangplank from ye newly arrived ship, neatly sidestepping a woman trying to to sketch his likeness, her parchment showing a man with a hat covering his face.

Driver: Greetings, good sir, be ye Sir James? I am here to collect you.
Sir James: Aye. To the Governor's house at once!
Driver: Certainly...... Dost thee have ye directions?
(Sir James doubts the veracity of his driver, but decides to play along.....)
Sir James: Along the coast road, but I be'eth in no hurry, so just taketh me for a ride.
(With a whip crack, they set off..... followed by another carriage.)
Sir James: Watch out for yon man with green trainers! (Thump.) Too late.
Driver: I think we're being followed, sire.
Sir James: Quickly at the next turn, go in there and stop, they should pass us.
(The driver complies with Sir James's instructions, turning to find Sir James pointing a dagger at him.)
Sir James: Now, some answers before your friends double back.
Driver: They're not my friends- I have a very small close group of friends with shared interests in literature, ye arts, line dancing and ye history of Scottish cordon bleu cuisine.....
(While talking he reaches for his sword, only to be thrown from ye carriage by Sir James....)
Sir James: Have at thee varlet!
(They engage in battle, Sir James cleverly fooling ye varlet by changing hands mid-punch.)
Driver: Please stop, I'll talk.... You're just too much of a man for me...
Sir James: As many a lady has discovered- now talk!
Driver: First, may I smoke? My pipe, it willst ease mine throat.
(Sir James allows him, but doth not notice ye small vial of poison hidden within it... too late he grabs at ye varlet.)
Driver: To hell with you!
Sir James: Well, that's a bit rude, I must say.
Driver: Eh, sorry. I will merely wish you misfortune in your efforts? (Dies.)
Sir James: Aye, that's much better.
(Sir James drives the carriage himself to ye Governor's house, stopping to tell the Sergeant of Arms about his now deceased passenger.)
Sir James: You know, I'm beginning to think tobacco may just be bad for one's health!

Act 2, Scene 2. Pleydell-Smith takes Sir James to a club.

Pleydell-Smith: Here we art, Sir James, I shall introduce ye to the members here. Take heed, some art a bit eccentric.
Sir James: And what ist ye name of this club?
Pleydell-Smith: ‘Tis “Ye Quiet Arrow & Maiden’s Undergarment.”
Sir James: Let me just write that down on this parchment.
Pleydell-Smith: And why should thou do that?
Sir James: I do have a licence to quill...
(They join a group of men sitting at a table.)
Pleydell-Smith: Greetings, gentlemen. May I introduce Sir James Bond, who hast travelled from Albion to succeed the Duke of Strangways? (Ye gentlemen murmur “Hello”.) Here ist Colonel Chas, from Scotland...
Colonel: Hoots mon, hello! (Eats some haggis, then absent-mindedly produces a guitar from beneath his kilt and begins strumming.)
Sir James: I had expected an organ, although nothing worn under the kilt?
Colonel: Och away, all's in perfect working order!
Pleydell-Smith: (Aside.) Don’t ask him about ye guitar, ‘twill only encourage him. (Aloud.) Ye next chair ist reserved for Sir Paul, he ist Miles....
Sir James: Miles, sir?
Pleydell-Smith: Aye, sir, miles away right now- he t'was known as Sir Kilometres until ye battle of Brexit. And from Albion, this be Lord Dangerous.
Lord Dangerous: Charmed, and this be mine assistant, from Norway. Twenty-three assistants I hast had, and I can never remember their names, so he ist known as...
Number 24: Be’est thee from England, Sir James?
(There ist a collective gasp, and all look nervously at ye aged Colonel, who hast begun to turn red and ist drawing in breath to speak.)
Sir James: ‘Tis often thought so, but mine father was a Scot and mine mother from Switzerland.
(All relax, relieved. Ye Colonel's blood pressure returns to normal.)
Pleydell-Smith: Next is Alchemist Dent, from Deutschland.... oh, but he ist not here. Merely a chair with a beach towel thrown across it. Landlord, where ist Alchemist Dent?
(Ye landlord approaches, a bearded man with suspiciously dark hair wearing a jester’s outfit.)
Landlord: Sure, to be sure gentlemen, I could not say.
Sir James: I thank'ee, but why ye jester's outfit?
Landlord: Once I worked in a royal court, but now I am nobody's fool. I shalt ask mine deputy- Virgil! Virgil Tracy!
(A young man dressed as Captain Scarlet approaches.)
Virgil: Aye, landlord? I wast just polishing ye A.R.S.E. and feeding Holly.
Landlord: These gentlemen do seek Alchemist Dent, know ye where he can be found?
Virgil: Hmm, he was last in ye Memorabilia chamber arguing with another gentleman member over which kind of timepiece wast better.
Landlord: Nothing unusual there then...
Pleydell-Smith: (Aside.) Ye Alchemist doth like to argue... a lot. Ah, here he comes now. (Enter Alchemist Dent, polishing a large timepiece.) Denty-babe, there thou art!
Alchemist Dent: Ye name is DENT!!! X-( X-( X-(
Pleydell-Smith: But of course you are. I prithee, greet Sir James from Albion.
Sir James: Greetings, Alchemist Dent.
Alchemist Dent: Greetings? Why do you say “greetings”? And who hath told thee I am Dent?
Sir James: ...Er... Ist that not thine name?
Alchemist Dent: Mine name? Oh.... Ja, ‘tis mine name.
Pleydell-Smith: (Aside.) Told you he liked to argue....
Alchemist Dent: Waiter! Wo ist mein knockwurst und sauerkraut? Und schnell!
Sir James: I hast travelled to seek ye Duke of Strangways and his clerking wench, hast anyone heard any ken of them?
Alchemist Dent: Um, that clerking wench was a looker, perhaps they ran away together, on a cruise?
Pleydell-Smith: I did hear that ye Duke enjoyed fishing, in ye boat of a local man named Quarrel.
Alchemist Dent: Quarrel?? Excellent! Where ist this quarrel?

Act 2, Scene 3. A harbour.

Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. A boon companion of the Duke of Strangways am I.
Quarrel: Exceeding pleasant that most surely is. In faith, I doth hold affection for those citizens whom boon companions of other citizens are.
Sir James: Be this thine boat?
Quarrel: Aye, Captain, and that be ye Caribbean. 'Twas there I did take ye Duke.
Sir James: And what is thy name, yeoman?
Quarrel: Quarrel.
Sir James: I seek no fight with thee, yeoman, now what is thy name?
Quarrel: Sir James, I was named by my mother after my father, an argumentative man who did frequently have disputes and disagreements.
Sir James: Thou needst explain no further, Yeoman Higgins. What did the Duke of Strangways do when thou took him into yonder Caribbean?
Quarrel: Fishing, sire?
Sir James: Mayhap I am, but I'm the one asking the questions. I wish to charter thy vessel. I search for crabs.
Quarrel: Thou shouldst venture to the local knocking shop, Sir James, the Flintlock and Doublet Strap. Thou ist bound to pick up a dose, 'tis 'men only' night tonight. Now please excuse me Sir James, I doth tarry too long. Puss Feller?
Sir James: More of a boobs man, actually, but any port in a storm.
Quarrel: (To Puss Feller.) Sir James and I need privacy, canst thou assist?
Puss Feller: Most certainly, mine friend.
(As Sir James and Quarrel move to a sheltered spot, Puss Feller wraps his arms around Sir James from behind and holds him tight. Quarrel produces a dagger from his hose and waves it threateningly under Naught Naught Seven's nose.)
Quarrel: 'Tis no use struggling Sir James, Puss Feller wrestles alligators.
Sir James: Quite the grip he hast on me, the like of which I was not expecting until closing time at the Flintlock and Doublet Strap this eve...
(At that, Sir James's tireless and deadly training takes over as he kicks ye dagger from Quarrel's hand and throws Puss Feller over his shoulder. As ye two men scrabble for purchase, Sir James backs away until he feels a hard protrusion in his back.)
Sir James: Is this an advance booking for the Flintlock this evening?
Lord Felix: Easy, sirrah, let us not get excited. Yeoman Quarrel, frisk him.
(As Quarrel frisks Sir James, Lord Felix notes ye concealed flintlock which ye Old Wizard hath issued to Naught Naught Seven.)
Lord Felix: Hast thou come from Her Majesty's realm? Thine armour ist Savile Row. I am Felix, Lord of Leiter, or 'two flints' as they hath called me at Virginia. I take it thou art Sir James. Come, let us dine at Puss Feller's tavern and discuss thine problem with crabs...
(They depart.)

Act 2, Scene 4. A drinking place. A band plays "Good Morning Kingston Town".

Lord Felix: Sent have I been from across the sea, since our cannonballs have been diverted from their paths many times, and suspicion hath been placed here. Sup with us, Sir James.
Sir James: Stir not mine mead, though let it be shaken.
(Sir James espies a beauteous damsel sitting at an easel, painting furiously on a large canvas.)
Sir James: Hm, methinks I hast seen this wench before- seize her, Quarrel!
(Quickly Quarrel brings ye damsel to their table.)
Sir James: Let me see this painting...

Lord Felix: Not bad! I'll take a copy, and canst thou do one of me, too?
Damsel Annabel: This I have done already, lo!

Lord Felix: Hm, not so sure of that I be...
Sir James: ...er, I'll take that if thou dost not mind.
Damsel Annabel: And in mine spare time, I do still life- see?

Sir James: Hideous! Now, damsel, thou shalt impart unto me who doth seek mine likeness.
Damsel Annabel: Nay, ne'er shall I tell thee!
Quarrel: This damsel shalt tell us naught. Her arm shall I break, Sir James?
Sir James: Mayhap another time- free her, I prithee.
Damsel Annabel: All of ye are rats who shalt be sorry! (Exits.)
Quarrel: The Duke and I did these rocks find on the Isle of Crabs.
Sir James: And who doth own this isle?
Lord Felix: 'Tis the isle of a physician from the Orient.
Sir James: Physician? Nay!
Lord Felix: Funny it is that thou should say that....

Act 2, Scene 5. An alchemist’s workshop.

Sir James: Greetings, Alchemist Dent.
Alchemist Dent: Dent? I know of no Dent- who hath told thee that I am Dent?
Sir James: ...er... Ye sign on thine door states thine name, and we did meet yesterday.
Alchemist Dent: Oh, yes... Dent... Hello Sir James, what canst I do for thee?
Sir James: Lend an eye to my stones, I prithee.
Alchemist Dent: I be'eth not that sort of alchemist, perhaps a psychia...
Sir James: Nay, these here....
(Sir James doth expose his stones to Alchemist Dent.)
Alchemist Dent: We scientists do call'eth them rocks!
Sir James: Very well, these rocks here.
Alchemist Dent: Oh, those rocks...
Sir James: I prithee, impart to me their provenance.
Alchemist Dent: Naught but common iron they be, from many of ye isles here.
Sir James: Nothing unusual about them?
Alchemist Dent: Nay, perfectly normal.
(As he speaks, a rock slides across the table to stick to a suit of armour in the corner.)
Alchemist Dent: ...Er... that happens all the time.
Sir James: Moving sideways like that, I rather fancied they didst come from ye Isle of Crabs.
Alchemist Dent: Such rocks doth in no way from ye Isle of Crabs hail, under no circumstance, most exceedingly not. From any other isle they doth come, yet in truth not from that isle. Not there. Most definitely. No sirree.
Sir James: I see, thank'ee Alchemist Dent. (Exits.)

(Later, at a harbour.)
Captain: Greetings, Alchemist Dent, what doth bring thee here in daylight?
Alchemist Dent: To ye Isle of Crabs thou must take me, apace and forthwith.
Captain: Nay, this cannot be done in daylight, thou dost know this!
Alchemist Dent: Ye responsibility shalt be mine- make haste!
Captain: Very well but first fill out this form... sign here... here and here.... initial here and here.... Have ye packed your bags yourself...?
Alchemist Dent: Aye, and can ye stamp my frequent sailings card?
Captain: Oh, you're just one away from a free, complementary bag of Guano!

(Later still, on ye Isle of Crabs, Alchemist Dent ist shown into a strange room.)
Alchemist Dent: ....Hello? (There ist no reply.) Hello?
(From off, we doth hear a toilet flush then ye sound of footsteps.)
Unseen Voice: Sorry about that but when thou hast to go, thou hast to go. Ah, Denty-baby!
Alchemist Dent: Ye name ist HIGG... er, DENT!!! X-( X-( X-(

Unseen Voice: And thou hast come to my isle in daylight, wherefore hast thou done this?
Alchemist Dent: Today I wast visited by Sir James Bond.
Unseen Voice: I know how he ist, what he ist and what he hast come for- 'twas on ye cards. He willst not succeed.
Alchemist Dent: What wouldst thou have me do?
Unseen Voice: Go to yon table....

Act 3, Scene 1. Sir James returns to his room.

Steward: Your mead, sir. Shaken as thee said, and not stirred.
Sir James: I thank'ee, my good man.
(Steward exits. Sir James drinks his mead, then doth open his satchel. From within he produces a bottle of strong beverage from ye land of ye Tsars, two bottles of wine, a flask of ouzo and one lemon. Mixing them all together, he doth drink ye lot and fall into bed.)
Sir James: (Drunkenly sings.) Three blind mice, in a row....
(Sir James falls asleep. A few hours later, he doth awake as something stirs in his bed. Sir James twitches and glances down.)
Sir James: 'Tis an unfamiliar twitch down there... ist that thee, May?
(Silence meets Naught Naught Seven as the creature slowly and inexorably creeps up his leg.)
Sir James: May, hast thou a secret thou art keeping from me? Be thou more Brian than May?
(With haste, Sir James flings back ye coverlet and espies a snake slithering up his body.)
Sir James: An asp! Hiss off!
(From a corner of his room, a voice mutters: "Dummkopf Asp". Sir James springs from ye bed and searches for a slipper with which to banish the asp. Reaching beneath his bed, he doth withdraw a tatty green trainer, before hastily discarding it. Ye asp sends a venomous glance towards the voice in the corner, and with a hiss, is gone.)
Sir James: There ist ne'er a cigar nor shaving foam handy when one needeth one...

Act 3, Scene 2. A place of business.

Sir James: I prithee, Pleydell-Smith, display unto me thine records concerning the Isle of Crabs, and its owner.
Pleydell-Smith: Most surely- Miss Taro, I bid thee gather yon parchments together for Sir James.
Miss Taro: Alack, sir, these parchments cannot be found- I doth fear they were taken away by the Duke of Strangways.
Sir James: No matter, fair maiden- thou shalt dine with me forthwith.
Miss Taro: I should say maybe, Sir James...
(Later...)
Damsel Taro: I prithee, Sir James, thou shouldst attend mine lodgings. After heading south on ye great north road, go west. Pass ye cement factory, pass ye bauxite mine, pass ye dutchie from ye left hand side. On a dark desert highway, cool wind in thine hair, up ahead thou shalt see a shimmering light. At Longitude 78 West go up ye junction, then thou willst be up where we belong.

Act 3, Scene 3. A boudoir.

Damsel Taro: Most belated thou art, Sir James.
Sir James: Alas, mine steed was unwilling.
Damsel Taro: Ah, that doth explain...
Sir James: Explain what, I prithee?
Damsel Taro: Umm, explain why... thy stallion, ummm... is not....
Sir James: It hath ne'er happened to me before, Damsel Taro, normally one's steed rise'eth to meet a challenge...
Damsel Taro: Perhaps ye Alchemist can prescript for such an ailment, Sir James... some viagra... or a splint...
Sir James: Ye Alchemist? Thou know'est him? Ye plot thickens. Unlike mine stallion.
(A pigeon alights in Damsel Taro's cottage. It trills.)
Sir James: Art thou not intending to answer that?
(Damsel Taro approaches ye pigeon and attaches a message to one foot. It departs, no mean feat as ye message 'twas chiselled into marble.)
Damsel Taro: Hinter me I know not what doth transpire.
Sir James: Thine forgiveness I crave, for such a vista I doth admire.
Damsel Taro: Would thou like to do missionary?
Sir James: Nay, I have been to Africa: I want to stay here with thee....
(A discreet interval later...)
Damsel Taro: Dost thou always smoke afterwards?
Sir James: This I would not know, I never look.
Damsel Taro: Dine with me, Sir James, I shall prepare for thee an Eastern repast.
Sir James: Yet I feel Roman and musical. Perhaps thou couldst play a small tune on mine, um, musical organ? It still does not work. Or a laying on of hands?
Damsel Taro: Sir James, my nail paint wouldst chip.
(The sound of hooves approaches.)
Damsel Taro: That must be thine steed, Sir James, or else thou art passing skillful with thy coconut halves...
(Sir James opens ye door, and two constables enter.)
Damsel Taro: Sir James, if these be thy stable boys and magic they can work on thy stallion, I shalt be happy to chip my nails...
Sir James: Lead her to thy cells, constables. Though wary thou must be of the paint upon her nails. 'Twill take some time to thicken. Much like my stallion...
(Damsel Taro ist led off by ye constables, which can be quite painful. Sir James sits down to relax in ye bedroom, cleaning his sword. After an hour or two, enter Alchemist Dent, walking silently in his green training shoes, who stabs the pillows in ye bed several times.)
Sir James: Drop thine sword, Alchemist, and hinter thee!
(Ye Alchemist drops his sword next to his distasteful footwear.)
Alchemist Dent: Very clever, Sir James.
Sir James: 'Tis amusing, wondering I had been when thou would show up, Denty-bum.
Alchemist Dent: The name ist DEN-
(Sir James slays the Alchemist.)
Sir James: But of course it is.

Act 3, Scene 4. A sailboat.

Lord Felix: Thou art most tardy, Sir James.
Sir James: To the Isle of Crabs we must sail without delay. Alchemist Dent didst say ye rocks were not from that Isle.
Lord Felix: A most inferior alchemist he must be, or the worst of liars.
Quarrel: Most afraid of this isle am I, for there be a dragon who doth breath fire.
Lord Felix: Then thou must merely breathe upon him, for thou doth breathe rum.
Quarrel: Bah!

(Later, in ye sailboat.)

Lord Felix: ‘Tis best you two go on alone from here, I do fancy.
Quarrel: Fair enough. (Elbows Lord Felix into ye water.)
Lord Felix: (Growing fainter as ye boat continues.) Hey, come back you bast....
Quarrel: (Aside.) "For thou doth breathe rum", eh? Ha!
Sir James: Quarrel, what be yon house there?
Quarrel: That, Sir James, be ye house of a Major Dexter Smythe- most days thou can see him swimming from his beach, playing with his octopussies. Sometimes his pretty young daughter doth join him.
Sir James: And next to that?
Quarrel: That be ye house of the Havelocks- oddly enough, they too have a pretty young daughter.
Sir James: And then I do see some building going on.
Quarrel: Ah, that be ye Bird of Thunder boarding house- ‘tis not finished yet. Thou should take a nap, Sir James, I shalt wake thee when we near ye Isle of Crabs.

Act 4, Scene 1. A beach. Sir James sleeps, Quarrel ist not far away.

Sir James: (Awakening.) ...no, not yet... I hardly know ye... Felix... (Sir James awakes and looks nervously at Quarrel, who ist still sleeping. Relieved, he doth look at ye ocean, where a naked girl ist looking at shells.)

(Sir James blinks, then realises she ist wearing a white bikini. He doth curse ye censor.)
Honey: (Sings) 'Neath ye tree of mango... la la...
Sir James: (Sings) 'Neath ye tree of mango...
Honey: Who art thou?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Honey: Seek ye shells?
Sir James: Nay, I merely seek. What ist thine name, fair maiden?
Honey: I am Honey. Fear this isle thou must, Sir James, for here be a dragon.
(Quarrel joins them.)
Quarrel: In this matter thou hast the right, fair maiden.
Sir James: Nay, dragons be there not.
Honey: Thou art from ye city, thou know'est not of what may be here. Hast thou ever seen a mongoose dance?
Sir James: Nay, but I have seen a cat fish.
Honey: Hast thou seen a praying mantis?
Sir James: Nay, insects bug me.
Honey: But here there ist a dragon!
Quarrel: 'Tis true, much have I heard of a dragon on this Isle.
Sir James: I do swear to thee both, there are NO dragons.
(A dragon doth appear and Quarrel ist slain.)
Sir James: Whoops.
(Sir James and Honey are captured and led away.)

Act 4, Scene 2. A dining room.

Honey: Lo, Sir James, see here! A goldfish bowl, with one goldfish swimming in it.
Sir James: Hm, surely that should be GoldenFish? And it hath a silver fin.
Physician: About 75p, Sir James. (They turn to see ye Physician.) Thou were wondering about its cost.

Sir James: Aye, 'tis so.
Physician: With me shalt thou dine, Sir James, while I doth tell thee mine history. I prithee, drink this mead that has been stirred not, though shaken it be.
Sir James: And yet no hands doth thou have. Tell me: here I have noticed a mountain of bird poo, a pool of urine and a pond of sweat.
Physician: Much have I achieved on this naked little island. Ye bird poo ist for business. The pool, 'tis there that I have perfected a new system of injecting urine into the forehead to remove wrinkles.
Sir James: Bollocks!
Physician: Very close- I shall call it... Botox!
Sir James: And ye pond of sweat?
Physician: A man's got to have a hobby. Employment I do offer thee, Sir James, for most impressed I am with thine calibre.
Sir James: Employment, for whom?
Physician: I doth belong to an organisation called Spectre.
Sir James: Ah, thou do make codes for ye Tsars.
Physician: Nay, that ist a Lektor. I work for Spectre.
Sir James: I see, thou do make songs with girl groups.
Physician: (Growing impatient.) Not Spector, SPECTRE! The Special Executive for Counter-Intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion.
Sir James: Doesn't that spell SEFCITRAE?
Physician: It depends, Sir James, on how good thine spell checker ist. Mine ist from Cambridge and more accurate than a dictionary when he's sober.
Sir James: You have a servant to check your magic spells?
Physician: Nay, SPELLING!
Sir James: Mine employment shall be avenging Quarrel and the Duke of Strangways.
Physician: Alack, thee I have misjudged, merely a constable without wit thou be. Guards, take him to ye easily-escapable chamber- but beat him up first!

Act 4, Scene 3. An easily-escapable chamber. Sir James lies unconscious on the floor.

Sir James: ...Oh, I prithee don’t do that again, Felix, ‘tis still sore... (Awakes.) Ah. (Looks around the cell.) Hmm, there seems to be some sort of vent...
(Sir James enters ye vent.)
Sir James: ‘Tis tight in here... Um, what ist that ahead? ‘Tis moving! Oh, only a little spider. (Sir James carefully avoids treading on ye spider.) Could be worse, I am glad ‘twasn’t a bunch of tarantulas! Now, what ist this...?
(The vent opens to a large room, full of middle-aged women.)
1st Woman: Ah, he ist here girls- Hello, handsome!
(The other women cheer.)
Sir James: What? I prithee, am I expected?
2nd Woman: Thou art late! Let us get started!
1st Woman: Aye, get them off!
Sir James: ...er, get what off?
3rd Woman: Thine clothing! Art thou not our male stripper for this evening? ‘Tis our works night out.
Sir James: Stripper? Nay, I think it not.
2nd Woman: Grab him!
(Ye crowd of women lunge toward Sir James, who rapidly leaps back into the vent.)
Sir James: Methinks I had a narrow escape there- now, let us see what ist down this turning...
(Ye next section of the tunnel ist lined with feathers. Sir James narrowly avoids being tickled to death, then avoids squashing a group of cute kittens.)
Sir James: A close shave that was! Now, what ist down here...?

(Sir James emerges from the vent to see ye Physician peering intently into a sunken pool.)
Sir James: Hmm, this must be his store of urine to use for injections... Now, I wonder...?
(Sir James sneaks quietly up behind, then kicks ye Physician into the pool.)
Physician: Argh! Get me out of here!
Sir James: Not for all the pee in China.
(Sir James races into ye next chamber, where he finds Honey.)
Sir James: Honey, art thou all right?
Honey: Of course, Sir James, just let me finish eating this crab. Wouldst thou like one?
Sir James: ...er... Perhaps later, but let us make haste to a boat!

Act 5, Scene 1. A sailboat.

Sir James: Seek ye help, Lord Felix?
(Lord Felix espies Honey beside Sir James.)
Lord Felix: ‘Tis certain thou dost not, Sir James.

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Barbel, Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous, and a nod to Number24

Barbel · February 2016

From Moscow, With Great Affection

Act 1, Scene 1. A garden.

(Sir James walks with caution through a garden, he doth appear unusually nervous. A well-muscled blond man in blue swimming trunks doth follow him. Almost like a dance the two men move through ye formal garden......

The blond man steps down on a twig and ye loud snap ist heard by Sir James, who doth change his direction. The blond man steps back onto a cat, who doth squeal loudly. Again Sir James looks around. Walking again the blond man steps on a whoopee cushion, letting forth a loud farting sound! Sir James sniffs the air, then checks his shoes.

Quickly the blond man paces forward, stepping on a rake, which springs up hitting him directly in his most private part. He doth cry out a loud expletive. Sir James moves in for the kill...

Suddenly from behind Sir James the blond man appears, on his wrist a needle point pin holder (a holder of pins needed for needle point), quickly he stands on a box and pulls out his weapon ........ A long piece of garrote wire and doth expel ye life from Sir James, who doth expire!

Immediately torches are lit and a small section of ye garden ist illuminated. A figure approaches as the blond man once again sheathes his weapon.)

Baron Morzeny: Excellent, thou art getting better, this was ye quickest yet.
(He bends down to remove Sir James's facemask, to reveal an unknown yeoman beneath.)
Baron Morzeny: (To his men.) Place him with ye others.
(His men throw ye expired yeoman onto a nearby pile of other dead Sir James Bonds.)
Blond Man: But why set so many obstacles for me this time?
Baron Morzeny: Oh sorry, my fault. Mine daughter had her birthday party out here today and I just haven't had the time to clear up, but please come inside for some layer cake and a game of Kerplunk.......
(Ye blond man just turns and leaves....)

Intermission. A belly dancer doth entertain while exotic music ist played.

Act 2, Scene 1. A great hall.

(Many watch while two men doth play chess. One reaches for a glass of water and notices a note beneath "I have a green complete Fabergé egg, come at once.”)

Chessmaster 1: Behold, I hath penetrated thy Queen with my exposed Bishop.
Chessmaster 2: Um....? Now how does the little horsey thing move again?
(Ye tension mounts as each plays, then one produces a green trainer and wipes ye other's pieces from the board.)
Losing Chessmaster: My congratulations, sir. A brilliant shoe.
Winning Chessmaster: I feel a heel for leaving like this!
(He coldly ignores ye applauding spectators and leaves.)

(A boat.)
Comte de Blofeld: I prithee, Colonel Klebb, look ye at mine Norwegian Wrestling Snails. The Norsemen show up in thousands, half the population, to view ye snails wrestle. A quick fight can be over in little more than a day, but the Norwegians prefer it if ye snails take their time. Brave, but on the whole stupid.
Klebb: Ye Norsemen or ye snails?
Comte: Hmm, tricky question. See how these two fight... Well, they will eventually... Just keep watching.... Not long now...
Klebb: I doth see, Number One, 'tis most amusing.
Comte: Thou art not here to be amused! Ah, look, yon snail hast moved a bit.
(Enter Kronsteen, ye winning Chessmaster.)
Kronsteen: Thou didst send for me, Number One?
Comte: Ssh, wait a moment... ye snail ist moving... (Ten minutes later, with much uncomfortable coughing from Klebb and Kronsteen.) ...Oh well, I doth suppose we shouldst begin. Kronsteen, hast thou finished thine plan?
Kronsteen: Aye, Number One, mine wonderful plan ist ready. 'Tis our intention to take from ye Tsars a most precious parchment, their Hannibal Lektor code, and demand payment for its return. And ye magnificence of mine scheme ist that those from Albion shall do ye stealing for us using their foremost servant of discretion, Sir James Bond.
Klebb: Art thou certain thine plan willst succeed?
Kronsteen: Aye, for since it ist most clearly a trap then ye Britons willst happily enter into it, sure that they canst win.... Number One?
Comte: (Distracted by ye snails.) Hmm? Oh, yes, good plan. Colonel Klebb, art thine people ready?
Klebb: Aye, mine liege, I have selected a man named Crai... er, Grant to put an end to Sir James, and also a young maiden to act as lure.
Comte: Then let the plan commence! ....Lo, I am sure this snail hath moved...

Act 2, Scene 2. A secret training place.

Baron Morzeny: Most honoured I am that thou hast come, Colonel Klebb.
Klebb: Time ist short, Baron, where ist ye man for our mission?
Baron Morzeny: Quickest way ist through ye training area.
Klebb: Then lead on, apace!
(They cross into a section laid out for knights training.)
Baron Morzeny: I hope'eth thee doth approve?
Klebb: I prefer experience!
Baron Morzeny: So do we, all our people must perform before a panel of judges, on an emotional journey, to make each technique their own. Each week, one by one they must face elimination until there ist one winner. ‘Tis not enough merely to be an assassin, thou need something... an X Factor if thou will.
Klebb: Hath Grant got an X?
Baron Morzeny: Thine pardon, I know not about his love life... Grant!
(Enter Grant, ye blond man, still clad in blue swimming trunks.)
Klebb: Hm, he hast pretty teeth.
Baron Morzeny: And he shows them pearly white.
Klebb: Does he have a jackknife?
Baron Morzeny: Aye, but he doth keep it out of sight.
(Unseen by all, Klebb removes a haddock from a bag and slaps Grant in ye face.... He does not flinch.)
Klebb: He seems ready. Have Crai... sorry, Grant, given his travel documents.
Baron Morzeny: At once! Now how about some cake and a game of Kerplunk?
(Klebb just turns and leaves....)

Act 2, Scene 3. An office.

(Colonel Klebb sits behind a desk. She doth reach into her bag and produce two mannequins.)

Klebb: (Little girly voice.) "Oh, thou doth love me just a little bit, mine darling?" (Butch voice.) "Nay, only thine body do I desire!" (Little girly voice.) "Then take me, take me!"
(Enter Tania.)
Tania: Thou hast sent for me, Colonel Klebb?
Klebb: (Frantically hiding her playthings.) Ah, Romanova, aye I hast sent for thee... thou didst not see anything just there?
Tania: Nay, Colonel, I didst not see thee playing with thine dolls at all.
Klebb: Romanova, thou hast been selected for a most important mission. I see thou wast a professional ballet dancer in Poland, do you still get the residuals?
Tania: Only in ye winter months.
Klebb: ...Then you tried pole dancing?
Tania: Aye, but in Poland all dancing is pole dancing!
Klebb: ...Then you had five lovers...
Tania: That can't be right, why such a personal quest-
Klebb: Sorry, misread. Twenty-two lovers.
Tania: Aye, I wast young and in love and both football teams were so cute. Oh it was a marvellous afternoon!
Klebb: Could thee love this man? (She hands across a likeness, sketched on a parchment.)
Tania: I don't know, with his orange skin, small hands and very odd hair I....
Klebb: Sorry, wrong likeness, that be’eth The Donald, he ist a good friend of Tsar Putin, they are in mine monthly sketch parchment collection of "Strong Men of Ye Month"- it builds over 24 months to a complete collector's edition! Here, this be’eth ye man...
Tania: Perhaps if he wast kind to me, had the body of an Olympic athlete... and had the wedding tackle of an enormous bull elephant!
Klebb: Then you now have a real "Labour of Love". From now on thou art to do whatever he asks!
Tania: And who ist this man?
Klebb: 'Tis he who ist called Bond, James Bond....

Act 3, Scene 1. A river.

(Sir James doth lie in a boat with Duchess Sylvia.)

Passing Boatsman: I love an afternoon in a punt.
Sir James: What didst he call me ?
Duchess Sylvia: Nay, he said he loved an afternoon in a punt.
Sir James: I pould not agree more.... The fresh air, the exercise- many's the time I've worked up a sweat with my shaft in mine hand!
Duchess Sylvia: It be'eth a pole, Sir James.
Sir James: What didst thee call me?
Duchess Sylvia: Thine shaft is a pole!
Sir James: Aye, and don't thee forget it.
(An arrow ist fired into a tree above their heads. Sir James reads ye message attached.)
Sir James: 'Tis time for business.
Duchess Sylvia: Good, I've been looking forward to getting "the business".
Sir James: Nay, this smacks of an official hand.
Duchess Sylvia: Oh! Sir James! Any smacking by thine hand is most welcome, official or not.
Sir James: Alack, Duchess Sylvia, I must away. Albion ist in need of my good service.
Duchess Sylvia: Again? I hast not seen thee in six months! I too be in need of a good service!
Sir James: Soon my love, soon. Truly for you my ardour doth grow...
Duchess Sylvia: True, judging by thine hose- they leave little to the imagination.
Sir James: But for now I must gird up my loins, and away!
(Sylvia doth push Sir James back against the tree, and begin to kiss with a passion.)
Duchess Sylvia: How about your loins now?
Sir James: I think'eth ye realm will be safe for another hour.... hour and a half, at least.....
(They fall back into the hedgerow, with much merriment...)

Act 3, Scene 2. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Moneypenny: Thou wert summoned some time ago, Sir James.
Sir James: An old case I had to go into.
Moneypenny: Aye, and most thoroughly too I wouldst imagine.
Sir James: Aye, so much so that I doubt it will ever appear again...
Moneypenny: Apace Sir James, Sir Miles awaits.
Sir Miles: A most curious situation hast arisen, Naught Naught Seven, in Istanbul.
Sir James: Not Constantinople?
Sir Miles: Istanbul was Constantinople, now it's Istanbul not Constantinople, so if you've a case in Constantinople it'll be in Istanbul. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lG7xMTMdaLA It doth concern a Tatiana Romanova.
Sir James: I hast never heard of a Tatiana Romanova. She be'eth not from the Child Support Agency?
Sir Miles: Mayhap, but she hast heard of thee. Thine likeness on a scroll she hast seen, and for thee she now bears great affection- great enough that she ist willing to impart unto us the Tsars' most secret Hannibal Lektor code.
Sir James: A most precious code!
Sir Miles: Aye, but she doth insist that thou must come to Istanbul to meet, and bring both her and ye code back to Albion.
Sir James: It doth sound like a trap, sire.
Sir Miles: Aye, but we must get yon code. Our man in Istanbul, Kerim Bey, awaits your arrival.
Sir James: Aye mine liege, I shall depart forthwith.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven- behold this enchanted satchel! See how carefully hidden are ye gold pieces, note where these knives are secreted. Most of all, look at ye knots where ye opening ist tied- a most unexpected surprise awaits one who doth open it ye wrong way as this purse of snuff will be expelled upon them.
Sir James: Nothing to be sniffed at, then?
Old Wizard: Thou dost seem to have a nose for trouble.
Sir James: I thank'ee, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard: I prithee, say hello to Kerim Bey for me. We became fast friends when I was ye magician and he was ye strong man in a circus.
Sir James: A circus? Surely thou doth jest!
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my Turk, Naught Naught Seven.
Moneypenny: How lucky thou art, Sir James, ne'er to Istanbul hath I been.
Sir James: Ne'er hast thou eaten kebabs by ye Bosphorus? Ne'er got drunk on raki?
Moneypenny: Wouldst thee like to get me drunk, Sir James? Arranged this could easily be!
Sir James: Alas, I must go to see places, faces and smile for a moment- but oh, thou will haunt me so....

Act 4, Scene 1. A port in Istanbul (not Constantinople).

Chauffeur: Excuse me, good sir, may I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
Sir James: I use my balls, good sir. (He doth display two glass orbs.)
Chauffeur: Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt!
Chauffeur: And tinder?
Sir James: Surely if thou swipes right, 'twould help with the lighting.
Chauffeur: Well then, mayst I have a match?
Sir James: Of course, good sir - thine face and mine ass? (He point'eth to the handsome mule which draws his carriage.). Sent have I been by Kerim Bey to meet thee, Sir James. I prithee, mine carriage awaits.
(They drive off, and art followed by another carriage. Grant, in an ill-fitting suit by Sir Tomas of Ford, doth follow ye second carriage.)
Sir James: 'Tis normal for us to be followed, here?
Chauffeur: Aye, sir, today 'tis ye Prussians- thou canst tell by their outrageous green footwear. Tomorrow I shalt no doubt be following them. (They arrive at a carpet shop.) Thou shouldst go straight in, Sir James, Kerim Bey awaits.
Sir James: I thank'ee.
(Sir James enters ye chambers of Kerim Bey. A beauteous wench departs quickly, adjusting her garb.)
Kerim: Ah... Excuse me, good sir, may I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
Sir James: I use my balls, good sir. (Again he doth display two glass orbs.)
Kerim: Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt!
Kerim: Sir James, I welcome thee to Istanbul!
Sir James: Not Constantinople?
Kerim: Nay, 'tis Istanbul not Constantinople.
Sir James: By Zantium, I doth believe thou art correct. Thine driver ist a most intelligent youngblood.
Kerim: He ist mine son! And I doth hope that one day he shalt be President.
Sir James: ...to bicker with German jesters?
Kerim: Nay, not President of here- some country abroad. President for life, mayhap.
Sir James: Then he would need permission to stay.
Kerim: Mine friend, sure I am that this situation ist naught but a trap. Mine nose doth tell me so.
Sir James: Mayhap, but Sir Miles hath decreed that ye code ist most vital and we must make all effort to obtain it.
Kerim: Thee should spend a few pleasant days here with us, then thou shouldst go home.
Sir James: I shalt return to see ye later, Kerim Bey, but now I must go check mine lodgings. (Exits.)

Act 4, Scene 2. Sir James enters a boarding house.

Sir James: I believe thou hath a chamber for me.
Manager: Indeed good sir, sadly not ye one requested, as a Spanish trader was imposed on us from another tavern, very unexpectedly.
Sir James: Well, no one expects the Spanish imposition- let me see this new room.
(Sir James ist escorted upstairs to a bedchamber.)
Manager: I hope this meets with your pleasure?
Sir James: Restful chartreuse curtains and Angel's Breath gold trim, very nice, just the sort of thing I liketh.
Manager: So glad to hear that, as ye only other room is our honeymoon suite, which now sadly overlooks ye local bawdy house, and ye maidens can be seen washing and changing from the balcony.
Sir James: How dare thou show me this pigsty of a room when this charming honeymoon suite is available! Place my bags there at once!
(They exit, to go to Sir James's new chamber.)

Act 4, Scene 3. Ye chambers of Kerim Bey.

(Kerim sits reading a scroll. Ye beauteous wench lies on a divan.)

Beauteous Wench: ...Kerim...?
Kerim: (Reading.) Hmmm?
Beauteous Wench: Oh Kerim....
Kerim: Later, mine sweet, I must work.
Beauteous Wench: Thou dost not love me any more...
Kerim: Overjoyed I am to be with thee! Oh, very well.
(Kerim doth join ye wench on ye divan just before a huge bang.)

(Later, enter Sir James.)
Sir James: Thou must have had a hell of a party, Kerim Bey!
Kerim: ‘Twas gunpowder placed under mine desk exactly at ye time I should have been working there- fortunately I wast busy on ye divan.
Sir James: I doth hope ye wench ist all right.
Kerim: Alas, she doth think mine technique too violent. Sir James, ‘tis time we took a small trip- follow me!
(Kerim opens a door and Sir James doth follow him.)
Sir James: Kerim, 'tis ye privy. I doth hope thou hast not got ye wrong idea...
Kerim: Have patience, mine friend, and faith. Now, see yonder trapdoor? Let us proceed...
(Kerim leads Sir James down ye hatch, carrying a lighted torch.)
Sir James: Phew, ye smell here ist awful, Kerim, where art we heading?
Kerim: These ancient sewers doth lie under ye entire city. I know ye path to ye embassy of ye Tsars,and there we shalt hear if there ist anything interesting for us. This leads to a tunnel system, under ye city. Mine sons keep their pets down here, so be not alarmed if thou see'eth rats, dogs or giraffes.
Sir James: Giraffes?
Kerim: Aye, they must stoop over- 'tis a little cruel methinks but you know kids and their pets!
(They get into a small punt and make their way across ye small pond of water.)
Sir James: I was recently in another punt...... with a slightly better view.
Kerim: What about the smell?
Sir James: Old Sylvia? Le Bleu can be a bit heady.
Kerim: People dump any unwanted or tasteless items down here. Look at those awful green trainers floating by, even the rats fear to go near. (They move further along.) This ist mine daily exercise, along with some weight lifting and a quick Sumba class or two. (They leave the punt and walk up a short tunnel, to another trapdoor in the roof of ye tunnel.) We are now under ye Russia House. This door leads up to their privy, where over the years I have seen much! ...... Too much at times...
Sir James: Can ye learn much from this?
Kerim: Oh yes, all ye gossip is spoken of there. That's how I discovered Ken was cheating on Deirdre! Now quickly, step up and push thy head through, it be'eth quite tight, thou may have to use a little force.
Sir James: The things I do'eth for Albion...
(Sir James pushes his head up ye small opening, with much grunting...)
Stranger in nearby stall: Go for it mine friend, perhaps with with a better crop harvest, we can get some more fibre yes?
(At last Sir James's head emerges from ye privy, giving a view into ye room across the vestibule.)
Kerim: At ye table's head is General Vaseline, of ye maritimers. He's quite a slippery customer, Sir James. He uses ye back door to this privy but somehow squeezes in and out. Next to him ist his security chief, Baron Over, and finally, Bendz.
Sir James: Bendz, Over with another man with Vaseline. Look at the size of them! That shalt bring a tear to the eye of any knave unlucky enough to be caught with his britches down, as ye saying goes.
Kerim: How they wouldst get in and out so smoothly- 'tis a mystery. That Vaseline is a powerful man.
Sir James: Now General Vaseline is shouting at Bendz. Giving him a hell of a blowing up. Must be quite a mouthful. Tell me, dost our lady Romanova ever come here?
Kerim: Sometimes. Now I doth see the face of the other man! Krilencu- he ist a Bulging. Take a look- thou shouldst remember his visage, Sir James. He doth kill for pleasure.
Sir James: Lord Vaseline, Bendz, Over, the other man Bulging, in a privy- 'Tis quite a sweaty sight, Kerim. Aha! The girl, she comes now. Romanova! She ist shaping up quite nicely...

Act 4, Scene 4. A carriage.

Kerim: Tonight, Sir James, we must go and see mine friend Vavra. He ist ye head of a clan of gypsies, who sometimes have been of service to me. 'Tis not far.
Sir James: Watch out for that man with green trainers! (Thump.) Never mind.
(Ye carriage draws up at the doors of a gypsy camp. One of ye gypsies rushes up to greet Kerim.)
Sir James: What did he say?
Kerim: It seems we have arrived at ye wrong time- 'tis their drag night.
Sir James: So, less gypsy camp and more camp gypsies?
Kerim: As I'm an old friend of ye family we'll be allowed to stay. Ah, here ist Vavra now.
(They art approached by a huge black-bearded man, wearing a chiffon evening gown and a blonde wig.)
Vavra: Oooh, Kerim sweetheart, how nice to see you!
Kerim: Greetings Vavra, what a beautiful dress- although not so sure I am about those distasteful emerald shoes.
Vavra: Alas, that was all that was available in my size. And who ist thine delicious friend?
Kerim: This ist he who is called Bond, James Bond, who ist mine visitor from Albion.
Vavra: Most charmed am I, most charmed. Come, sit with us at table for ye floor show ist about to commence.
Kerim: (Aside.) Sir James, whatever happens thou must not interfere.
Sir James: I shalt be as quiet as a Norwegian at a comedy festival.
Kerim: And do not complain about ye food, either.
Sir James: From Scotland I doth hail, so 'tis most unlikely.

Vavra: M'lords, ladies and gentlemen! Our main event tonight ist a battle between two minstrels, the Lord John Barry and Sir Monty of Normandy. But first...
(Sir James and Vavra approach two Knights who are engaged in argument.)
Sir Mantis: Thou art incorrect, sir! Garments are of more import than thine infernal contraptions! What sayest thou, Master of Ye Gadgets?
Ye Gadget Master: Sir Mantis, 'tis thou who art incorrect - not all who drink in this tavern are solely dispossessed to value a Knight by his garb.
Sir Mantis: Then, sir, I throw down my gauntlet to thee! And a very fine gauntlet it is too, from Sir Tomas of Ford.
Ye Gadget Master: Forsooth! Vavra! Wherefore art mine Walther jousting poles? Ye natty ones with ye light-up personalised grips?
(Sir Mantis and Ye Gadget Master each taketh a pole and mount a horse. As Vavra counts to ten, their steeds begin to trot away from the other.)
Sir Mantis: (Aside.) 'Tis lucky mine Rider's Church boots will not be soiled by this gypsy encampment...
Ye Gadget Master: (Aside.) 'Tis lucky mine horse's saddle may eject me into ye air shouldst I press the special stud on its harness...
Vavra: (Counting) ... nine... ten! Turn and joust!
(As ye two Knights turn and face each other, a fusillade of arrows thud to ye ground between them as Krilencu and his men appear. Much fighting begins...Sir James aids Vavra's men, and Krilencu ist forced to retreat. Kerim ist wounded in his arm.)
Kerim: Alack, I am naught but a clumsy old man. I thank'ee for thine help, Sir James.
(From off, a scream ist heard.)
Kerim: Ah, they art making one of Krilencu's men talk.
Vavra: Kerim Bey, Krilencu did give orders that thou wert to be slain but Sir James wast not to be touched.
Kerim: I thank'ee Vavra. Sir James, thou must come with me...

Act 4, Scene 5. A street in Istanbul (not Constan... you get the idea.)

(Kerim, his arm in a sling, and Sir James, carrying a crossbow, doth enter.)

Kerim: Lo, Sir James, see ye yon large tapestry across ye street?
Sir James: A common misapprehension,' tis obviously a piece of needlepoint.
Kerim: Sir Miles mentioned your knowledge in many such matters.
Sir James: Several times I hath corrected his knowledge, the old fox.
Kerim: I hath heard him expel the words For Fox-sake, or what soundeth like it at times. Still you see yon tap..... needlepoint?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis advertising a new play.
(Ye needlepoint doth read "Harry Saltzman & Albert R. Broccoli present Ian Fleming's ANTONY AND CLEOPATRA. Introducing Roger Moore.")
Kerim: Look closely at Cleopatra’s likeness...
Sir James: What should I see?
Kerim: She hath a most beauteous nose, yon lady. Doth thee see her hatch?
Sir James: Her what? Surely, I would need to look lower to see ....
Kerim: A doorway or a hatch!
Sir James: Ah, I do see ye outline of a hatch!
Kerim: Krilencu’s chambers lie hinter yon tapestry- he thinks I do not know this. In but a few moments, mine sons in the guise of constables shalt knock on his door and he shalt try to escape through yon hatch. Then ye shalt slay him with mine crossbow.
(Two young boys of about ten arrive with baggy uniforms and fake moustaches, nod to Kerim and cross to knock on ye buildings door.)
Kerim: There be two of my youngest sons, I couldn't get a sitter and they wanted to help!
Sir James: Ne'er too young to learn.
(Ye hatch doth open and Krilencu doth appear, dangling from Cleopatra's nose.)
Kerim: Arm or no arm, I hath to be ye one who slays him! Apace, Sir James, thine shoulder!
(Sir James puts his fingers in his ears as Kerim prepares to fire, as revenge dangles before him.)
Sir James: Wipe him out, Kerim!
(Kerim rests ye crossbow on Sir James’s shoulder and fires. His aim ist true, and Krilencu falls slain to ye street.)
Kerim: Glad I am that this has been done.
Sir James: 'Twas not to be sniffed at. Anyone ever tell you, you have a nose for this sort of work!
Kerim: I do find selling carpets a bore. Thou art a good friend, Sir James.
Sir James: And I am also friends with twenty-five letters of the alphabet.
Kerim: Only twenty-five?
Sir James: I don't know Y.

Act 4, Scene 6. A boarding house; ye chambers of Sir James.

(Sir James returns to find Tania in his bed.)

Tania: I am Tatiana Romanova- mine friends call me "Tania".
Sir James: And I am he who ist called Bond, James Bond- mine friends call me Naught Naught Seven.
Tania: This I know, for thine likeness ist familiar to me.
Sir James: Thou art one of ye most beautiful women I hath ever seen.
Tania: I thank'ee, but methinks mine mouth ist too big.
Sir James: This we shalt discuss later. I too have something that is oft times commented on as being "too big".... Wouldst thou like to see it?
Tania: Yes, I can feel it.... Oh! It is big, isn't it? The skin feels quite hard around it.....
Sir James: Aye, ye scar on my lower back ist certainly big! Have ye brought the Hannibal Lektor with you?
Tania: We can talk about that in the morning, now let us engage in a little detente......
Sir James: I may well enjoy a closer soviet union.
(From behind a glass panel, a small team of artists do make paintings and preliminary sketches of the couple.)

Act 4, Scene 9. Sir James and Tania meet on a boat.

Tania: Sir James, art thou sure 'tis safe to meet here?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis safe. Thou must tell me more about ye Lektor code.
Tania: Ah, that is all ye doth want, all ye are interested in. Thou art not interested in me.
Sir James: Tania, of course I am! But, I prithee, thou must tell me more for mine masters in Albion.
Tania: 'Tis brown, brown like thine eyes...

(Sir James doth enscribe every word and send a scroll to Sir Miles, who doth have it read to him later by Maid Moneypenny.)
Moneypenny: ..."brown like thine eyes".... (Drifts off.)
Sir Miles: Continue, Maid Moneypenny, continue!

Sir James: Continue, Tania, continue!
Tania: 'Tis a very secret scroll, only few art allowed access to it, and... Sir James, wilt thou make love to me in Albion?
Sir James: Both day and night I shalt endeavour! Now, about ye scroll...
Tania: 'Tis locked in a most secret safe, and... Sir James, tell me, am I as exciting as ye girls from ye West?
Sir James: Well, once I wast with Sir Miles in Ireland, and...

Moneypenny: "Well, once I wast with Sir Miles in Ireland and.."
Sir Miles: That will be all, Maid Moneypenny! Leave us!

Sir James: ... but later I shalt tell ye. Now, where ist ye code kept?
Tania: 'Tis in a sealed room- look ye at this chart.
Sir James: Then I shalt call to collect both ye and yon code the day after the morrow, on ye 14th.

Act 5, Scene 1. Ye consulate of ye Tsars. Enter Sir James.

Sir James: Thine sundial, it ist correct?
Clerk: Aye, good sir, it ist.
Sir James: I thank'ee.
(He doth take a seat, and wait a few moments.)
Sir James: Thou art sure thine sundial ist correct?
Clerk: But of course, good sir, pray take a seat.
Sir James: Aye, that I will.
(Sir James doth wait a few minutes longer.)
Sir James: Art thou truly certain thine sundial ist correct?
Clerk: Look, sunshine, if you don't-
(There ist a terrific explosion as Kerim sets off gunpowder below ye consulate. Sir James, following ye chart, finds ye chamber where Tania ist working with ye Hannibal Lektor code.)
Tania: But, Sir James, today ist ye 13th!
Sir James: Lucky for some! Come with me, Tania!
(He grabs ye Lektor and leads Tania to ye privy.)
Tania: But that is ye gent's privy!
Sir James: First time for everything. Now, down here we must go.
(Below they art met by Kerim.)

Act 5, Scene 2. A waystation.

Kerim: This wagon train ist heading to Venice- quick, let us board!
Sir James: Tania, why dost thou tarry?
Tania: 'Tis Bendz- he hast seen us!
Sir James: There ist no time, we must board ye wagon train!
(Sir James, Tania and Kerim board ye wagon train, quickly followed by Bendz. Unseen by all, Grant doth board also.)
Kerim: Here ist thine chamber- thou must tarry here while I dost speak with ye wagonmaster. (Exits.)
Tania: So, thou shalt take me to Albion in this chamber Sir James?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis here we shalt have our honeymoon.
Tania: Honeymoon? But I hast nothing to wear!
Sir James: With this I have no problem...

(A discreet interval later...)
Sir James: I am cold, Tania, could thee get up and fetch me another blanket?
Tania: But I did think, Sir James, do not we pretend we're a married couple?
Sir James: Of course, darling.
Tania: Then get up and get your own f***ing blanket.
(There is a knock on ye door.)
Kerim: Come with me, Sir James, and we shalt visit Bendz.
(Kerim and Sir James enter ye chambers of Bendz, by pretending to be ye wagonmaster. Bendz ist quickly overcome.)
Kerim: Thou must return to thine chambers, Sir James, whilst I remain here and entertain our friend with mine life story.
(Sir James exits, and does not see Grant lurking nearby.)

Act 5, Scene 3. Ye chamber of Tania and Sir James. A knock ist heard.

Wagonmaster: Sir James, thou art ye friend of Kerim Bey?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so.
Wagonmaster: Thou must come with me apace.
(Ye wagonmaster leads Sir James to Bendz's chamber.)
Wagonmaster: Lo, I have heard of this before- men indulging in yodelling competitions take it too far and end up suffocating themselves through lack of breath!
Sir James: Nay, they have talked themselves to death with long rambling stories- look at the dryness of the mouth and ye glazed over eyes. May have been when Kerim told of how he started as a travelling circumciser! The work had its drawbacks but he got to keep the tips.
Wagonmaster: This must be reported.
Sir James: Here, take ye this purse of coins, and certain I am that Kerim's friends will also reward thee. I shall be meeting one of his sons at the next stop.
(Sir James returns to his cabin and questions Tania about what she knows, but gets no answers so waits for ye wagon train to stop. He then alights to meet Kerim's son.......)
Kerim's Son: Excuse me, good sir, may I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
(Sir James looks down at a young boy in a pram, pushed by a comely wench.)
Sir James: Er! ....I use my balls, good sir. (He doth display two glass orbs.)
Kerim's Son: Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt.
Kerim's Son: And tinder?
Sir James: Surely if thou swipes right, 'twould help with the lighting.
Kerim's Son: Well then, mayst I have a match?
(Sir James hands over some of Kerim's possessions: a pipe, tobacco pouch, flint, a collection of Shakespeare plays, a camping tent, and a small goat.)
Kerim's Son: 'Tis lucky I brought the pram!
Sir James: I need thee to send a message to the nearest house of Albion, to send another Good Knight to assist my quest.
Kerim's Son: I shall do as you ask. Come on Doll, push on.... I have a meeting at seven and I need changing!
(Sir James climbs back on to the wagon train as it moves off, with Grant observing.)

Act 5, Scene 4. A waystation.

(A man awaits ye wagon train. He ist wearing a bowler hat and a pinstripe doublet, whilst carrying a rolled up copy of "Ye Times" and a satchel like that of Sir James. Grant leaves ye wagon train and approaches ye man. What they say cannot be heard, but Grant doth display to him his balls then lead him to ye privy. A few moments later Grant returns, wearing ye bowler hat and carrying ye satchel. Sir James doth approach.)

Grant: Excuse me, good sir, may I borrow two flints for rubbing together?
Sir James: I use my balls, good sir. (He doth display two glass orbs.)
Grant: Better still.
Sir James: Until they get burnt.
Grant: And tinder?
Sir James: Surely if thou swipes right, 'twould help with the lighting.
Grant: Thou must be Sir James Bond- thou may know me as Captain Gnorman Gnash, sent have I been by Sir Miles to assist thee.
Sir James: Apace, to mine chamber.

(Ye chamber of Sir James and Tania.)
Sir James: Tania, this be Captain Gnash who will aid us in our journey.
Tania: Greetings, Captain.
Grant: Old man, most hungry am I- may we go to ye dining chamber?
Sir James: But of course, let us make our way henceforth.

(Ye dining chamber.)
Steward: On what wouldst thou choose to dine, good sirs and lady?
Sir James: A table would be ideal, my man.
Steward: Most certainly, please be seated here.
Sir James: I would like a sandwich, please.
Steward: Of course- wouldst thee like chicken perhaps?
Sir James: Nay- bacon, not bird. Tania?
Tania: (Shrugs.) I be'eth not very hungry, Sir James.
Sir James: Why not try something light ?
Tania: Well, I might try some soup... with some bread... some boiled vegetables... a little steak... some roast beef, a portion of black pudding... some sausages, a slice of pork with a rich sauce... perhaps followed by a fish course, a rack of lamb and some ice-cream.
Sir James: ... Sounds delicious. Gnash?
Grant: A large portion of smalahove for me, with a side order of hakarl and a stuffed sheep's head.
(Sir James doth look askance at Grant.)
Steward: And to drink?
Sir James: A glass of white wine from east of ye Urals, for myself and ye lady.
Grant: I willst have mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken.
(Sir James doth look even more askance at Grant, as they begin to eat.)
Grant: I do think I have an escape route for us, old man, and will show thee back in thine chamber.
(Grant plucks out ye eye from ye sheep's head, and sucks on it hungrily. Sir James's own eyes almost pop out of his head, then do somersaults as Grant slips something into Tania's wine.)
Sir James: ....Fine....
(Tania eats happily then begins to slow down...)
Tania: Oh, Sir James, I feel so sleepy...
Grant: Lady's come over all queer.
Sir James: Must be ye food.
Grant: Let us help her back to ye chamber.

Act 5, Scene 5. Ye chamber of Tania and Sir James. Tania ist laid down on ye bed.

Sir James: And what did thee put in her drink, Captain Gnash?
Grant: Merely a sleeping draught, old man. See ye this scroll, Sir James, 'tis a chart showing where we are.
(Sir James bends over ye chart, and Grant quickly hits his neck, rendering him uncon.... unconsc... knocked out. Grant doth go through Sir James's pockets, removing his purse of coins, sword & flintlock, tobacco case, painting of Jack Lord inscribed "From Felix with love", membership card for Ye Playboy Club, forty-three letters from ye Child Support Agency, a stylus which transforms into a bow, and a dartboard with Kevin McClory's face.)

Sir James: (Awakening.) ...tonight, Felix? 'Tis never too soon to... ah.
Grant: Keep still- get on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: Not again, I was caught out once like this before in a privy on Hampstead Heath!
Grant: Hands in ye pockets of thine hose.
Sir James: Mead that was stirred... using thine fork and knife to eat smalahove, rather than ye traditional Viking way of using thine hands... I should have known.
Grant: Thou may have known, but thou art ye one on thine knees, old man.
Sir James: "Old man"? This be not "To A Kill, A View".
Grant: A great pleasure it has been to see thee, the great Sir James Bond, making a fool of himself.
Sir James: Have ye seen the drawings from Sir Miles's last Christmas party then?
Grant: Nay, but I hast seen these etchings... very revealing!

Sir James: Er... I was young and needed the work....
Grant: No, these etchings are of thee and the girl in thy bedchamber. Such use of colour, lighting, prosthetics..... all very tasteful. You didn't seem as angry getting on your knees then!
Sir James: I know not what ist wrong with thee, but I wager it ist hard to pronounce.
Grant: Mine instructions are to slay thee- how I do it is my business.
Sir James: Of tobacco I do crave.
Grant: Thou hast no chance, old man.
Sir James: I can pay handsomely for it.
Grant: With what?
Sir James: Gold pieces, in mine satchel.
(Grant doth throw Sir James ye satchel.)
Grant: Show me!
(Sir James withdraws ye gold pieces from ye satchel.)
Sir James: Mine tobacco?
Grant: 'Twill cost ye more than that!
Sir James: More art in yon satchel there- I willst get it.
Grant: Nay! Keep still, I shall get it.
(Grant picks up ye other satchel and opens it, to be covered in snuff.)

(They do battle and Sir James emerges victorious.)

(Sir James doth recover his belongings from Grant's body.)
Sir James: These thou shalt not need, "Old Man"... Tania! Wake up!
Tania: (Asleep.) ...oh yes, that feels wonderful... Felix...
(Sir James does a double-take.)
Sir James: Tania! Thou must awake forthwith!
Tania: Wherefore...? Oh, Sir James, what hast happened?
Sir James: No time to explain, thou must come with me apace.
(They grab their bags and leave ye chamber, then ye wagon train.)

Act 6, Scene 1. Sir James and Tania hide while ye wagon train moves off. A man with a carriage waits.

Man: Grant? Grant? Wherefore art thou, Grant?
(Sir James creeps up behind and knocks ye man out, throwing him in ye back of ye carriage.)
Sir James: Quick, Tania, into ye carriage!
(They move off into ye countryside, which doth look nothing like Scotland, no sirree, definitely not.)
Tania: Sir James, watch out for yon man with... (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Sir James: Canst thou see him?
Tania: (Looking hinter.) Nay, for his shoes hath merged with ye colour of ye grass.
Sir James: Then, no matter.
Tania: Sir James, look above!
(A team of trained eagles ist hovering above their carriage. One doth swoop down and narrowly misses.)
Sir James: Tania, get below ye carriage!
(Sir James leaps out of ye carriage and leads ye eagles into ye hills. From a rock he spies ye handler, instructing ye eagles. Apace, he doth pull ye stylus from his doublet and unfold it into a bow. Avoiding an eagle, he doth fire at ye handler. His aim ist true and ye handler ist slain. Leaderless, ye eagles fly away. Sir James returns to ye carriage, where ye driver ist now awakening.)
Sir James: I'd say their eagle hast landed.
(He doth take ye reins and drive off. They arrive at a small jetty, where a boat awaits.)
Sir James: Now, Tania, into ye boat- you too, smiler!
(All get into ye boat and Sir James casts off.)
Tania: But, Sir James, where shalt we go?
Sir James: Worry ye not, mine lady, these charts shalt guide us. Now, my friend, 'tis time for a bath- I doth hope thou canst swim!
(Sir James throws ye driver into the water, where he curses furiously.)

Act 6, Scene 2. Ye boat of ye Comte de Blofeld.

Comte: Alack, Grant hast been slain and Sir James doth possess ye Hannibal Lektor code. 'Twould seem that thou hast failed, Colonel Klebb...?
Klebb: Nay, Number One, I have followed Kronsteen's plan most faithfully.
Kronsteen: Mine plan wast perfect, 'twas Klebb's people who have failed.
(Baron Morzeny enters quietly behind Klebb and Kronsteen.)
Comte: Thou art aware of ye price of failure, Colonel Klebb...
Klebb: (Nervous.) Aye, Number One.
Comte: Very simple our rules doth be- if thou dost fail...
(Baron Morzeny kicks Kronsteen, who doth look confused until he sees what ye Baron ist wearing- green training shoes. Kronsteen doth expire from shock and horror.)
Comte: Hmm, these art more effective than I had thought. Colonel Klebb, thou hast one more chance, and do not fail me!
Klebb: Most certainly, Number One.

Act 6, Scene 3. Baron Morzeny and his men approach ye boat of Sir James and Tania.

Tania: Sir James, look hinter!
Baron Morzeny: Ahoy, Sir James! Splice ye mainbrace and avast ye swabs! Prepare to be boarded, ah-har!
Tania: Ist he a pirate?
Sir James: Nay, only a pirate copy- take ye wheel, Tania!
(Sir James throws some barrels of gunpowder onto ye water.)
Baron Morzeny: Hm, seize ye these barrels, men.
Henchman: But Baron, should we not pursue Sir James all the more quickly and not waste our time?
Baron Morzeny: Do not argue, seize them!
Henchman: (Doubtful.) Aye aye, Captain..
Baron Morzeny: Heave to, Sir James, or we shalt sink thee!
(Sir James doth take aim with his flintlock at ye barrels, one after another, and fires. Great sheets of flame engulf ye boats pursuing Sir James.)
Sir James: Now, let us make speed away from here.

Act 6, Scene 4. A boarding house.

Sir James: Safe we are at last, Tania.
Tania: Oh, Sir James, I didst think this moment would never come.
Sir James: I shalt arrange for our transport to Albion.
(Enter Colonel Klebb, dressed as a maid.)
Klebb: I shalt take thine bags, good sir.
Sir James: Nay nay, I can manage.
(Tania doth recognize Klebb.)
Tania: Sir James! Take heed!
Sir James: Klebb!
(Klebb makes to kick Sir James with her vile green trainers. Sir James grabs a chair and pins her to ye wall.)
Sir James: Tania, thine help, I prithee!
(Tania hesitantly takes Sir James's flintlock and slays Klebb.)
Tania: Horrible old woman...
Sir James: Aye, and such terrible taste in footwear.

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Barbel, Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous with pointers from Number 24, Dirty Punker

Sean Connery, artists' model, in the 50s when he was young and needed the work.

Barbel · February 2016

HE OF THE GILDED FINGER

Act 1, Scene 1. A harbour. A duck swims across the water, and as it nears ye shore, there is coughing and spluttering as a voice comes from beneath it.

Voice: This fowl idea was completely quackers.
(A figure rises under ye duck, we see it ist Sir James Bond. Apace, he throws ye stuffed duck aside and rises from the water to approach a wall where there ist a sign.)
Sir James: (Reading.) “Romalez Fruits. Our bananas are a-peeling.” Good, this must be ye place. With Romalez as the head man or...... Top Banana?
(Sir James pulls a small crossbow from his doublet and fires an arrow with a rope attached. He scales ye wall, knocks out a guard, and finds himself surrounded by trees with yellow fruits.)
Sir James: Hmm, this ist where ye bananas art grown.
(Sir James places a barrel of gunpowder beneath a banana tree and slowly backs off, leaving a trail of gunpowder. Outside a tavern, he sets light to the trail.)
Sir James: Now to be like'th a banana myself and....... Split!
(Sir James removes his wet clothing to reveal a perfectly dry outfit beneath.)

Act 1, Scene 2. A crowded tavern. Sir James enters, watching a maiden dance for ye customers. There ist a loud explosion and most of ye clientele flee. Sir James goes to ye bar beside a man who ist quietly drinking.

Yeoman: Praise be upon thee, Sir James, for thou hast fouled ye intent of Count Romalez.
Sir James: To foment insurrection with the fruit of the banana tree he will no longer.
Yeoman: Well, first he tried to fund it with a specialist fur trade, specialising in only one fur.
Sir James: Mink or sable?
Yeoman: Nay, Just In Beaver. He had intended to use apples but another did beat him to it, opening many shops only selling that fruit.
Sir James: Aye, yon Apple store.
(The yeoman looks around ye tavern.)
Yeoman: Here ‘tis no longer safe for thee. Thine vessel doth depart within the hour.
Sir James: And aboard shall I be, though mine business here ist, like my doublet soon shall be, undone.
(Sir James watches ye dancing maiden flounce off.)

Act 1, Scene 3. A boudoir. Sir James ist embracing ye dancing maiden.

Dancing Maiden: Ow! Thine weapon does dig into me.
Sir James: I thought that was the idea tonight- oh, I see what thou do mean.
Dancing Maiden: Must thou wear it always?
Sir James: A thousand pardons I crave, for its lack doth diminish me. (He hangs his flintlock by a bath.) Now...
(As they embrace, Sir James looks deeply into ye maiden’s eyes and doth see the reflection of a varlet approaching from behind. They struggle, with the varlet reaching for the flintlock then falling into the maiden's ablution barrel.)
Sir James: Varlet, if thine be from a royal house would'st this be a Bath Knight?
(Sir James doth overcome the varlet with a pair of the maiden's stockings, pushing him lower in the water.)
Sir James: Seems you've reach the bottom of the barrel.
(Sir James retrieves his weapon and prepares to leave, returning the maiden's under garments.)
Sir James: Stockings- positively stockings. (Exits.)

Intermission. A gilded maiden is displayed. A Welsh woman sings.

Act 2, Scene 1. A boarding house. Sir James ist being massaged by a comely wench. A band plays "Good Morning Miami Town".

Lord Felix: In the safest of hands I do find thee.
Sir James: Greetings, Lord Felix! What news do you carry?
Lord Felix: I bear tidings from Sir Miles, thou art bidden to pursue a knave who...
Sir James: I bid thee tarry, Lord Felix. Lady Dink, thou art dismissed while men do speak. (Smack. Exit Lady Dink.)
Lord Felix: Some may say that was sexist, Sir James.
Sir James: I am not a sexist- ye chicks hate that.
Lord Felix: ...er, yes. Anyway, thou art bidden to pursue a knave who a gilded finger doth have.
Sir James: To the finest boarding house Sir Miles would not have sent me without good reason.
Lord Felix: Thine purposed target ist from Albion, thou he soundest not.
Sir James: And wherefore shall I find this knave?
Lord Felix: (Points.) Thither, having much success with the playing of cards.
(Sir James spies two men playing cards.)
Sir James: Hmmm....

Act 2, Scene 2. Another boudoir. Through a window, an undressed maiden ist watching ye two men playing cards. Enter Sir James.

Undressed Maiden: What is thy name, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Pay heed forthwith, He of the Gilded Finger, of thine scheme I now have knowledge. 'Tis certain that the constables should not condone thine scheme with the playing of cards- thou must nod thine head if thou doth agree. Nod!!!
Undressed Maiden: Thou may know me as Maiden Jill Masterton.
Sir James: Not Masterson then?
Maiden Jill: Nay, that was just a typo.
Sir James: And thou dost work for yonder knave?
Maiden Jill: Paid I am, merely to be seen on his arm.
Sir James: Just seen?
Maiden Jill: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir James: Of this I am most glad.
Maiden Jill: For thee I now carry great affection, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith. In this locality I know'est the most opportune venue. And I do have a licence to Jill...

Act 3, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Sir Miles: Oh, a fool art thou! Thine intent to solely bear an eye upon He of the Gilded Finger was clear, yet with his concubine did thee frolic. With heavy heart did I bear upon the constables for thy freedom.
Sir James: I crave thy pardon, my liege, mine shortcomings are known to me though mine mission be not... Sire.
Sir Miles: What know'est thee of gold, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: When it is seen, it I doth know.
Moneypenny: I know'est of no gold but a wedding band. I prithee, dine with me tonight Sir James.
Sir Miles: Nay, with me shall Naught Naught Seven dine. When the clock strikes seven thou shalt meet with me here, in formal attire.

Act 3, Scene 2. A dining room. Sir Miles and Sir James art ye guests of Colonel Smithers.

Colonel: And what know'eth thee of banking, Sir James?
Sir James: In banking I have lost interest. Many times.
Colonel: Most suspicious I am of a knave with a gilded finger- great riches he hast amassed, and it ist not known how honest he has been in the acquiring of these.
Sir Miles: And it ist thine desire that we should find out for thee?
Colonel: Aye, ‘twould most helpful be. I prithee, partake of this rather shoddy mead.
Sir Miles: (Drinking.) It doth seem quite satisfactory.
Sir James: Nay, sire, ‘tis most disappointing. ‘Tis my opinion that-
Sir Miles: We are here to hear Colonel Smithers, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: But of course, sire.
Colonel: ‘Twould seem that this knave hast been taking large amounts of gold abroad, and we know not how. Thee must discover this for us.
Sir James: Hmm, methinks I should arrange a game of some sorts with He of the Gilded Finger, outcheat him somehow and make sure I do win.
Sir Miles: With this plan I cannot see anything going wrong at all.
Sir James: 'Tis one I intend to use time and again.
Colonel: Take thee this glistering bar of gold, which thou may use freely.

Act 3, Scene 4. Ye Old Wizard’s Lair.

Sir James: Greetings, Old Wizard. Mine carriage I doth seek.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven, for thine carriage antiquated be by decree of Sir Miles. A new carriage shalt thou have- behold!
(He displays a wondrous carriage to Sir James.)
Sir James: Marry, a seat on springs! Surely thou doth jest?
Old Wizard: I ne’er jest about my work, Naught Naught Seven. And call me Shirley not.
Sir James: Tell me what wonders this carriage doth perform.
Old Wizard: I shalt not keep thee for more than an hour or so.
Sir James:

Act 4, Scene 3. A field pitted with eight-and-ten holes.

He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Sir James, wouldst thou like to play a round?
Sir James: Sometimes, aye, but thou art not mine type.
He of the Gilded Finger: Mine sources tell me otherwise...
Sir James: ;% Not bad, I like this game.
He of the Gilded Finger: Here take my card, I'm staying at the Fontainebleau.... No pressure. Number 343.
Sir James: Your suite?
He of the Gilded Finger: See, you're coming round already! Impart unto me thine intent, Sir James.
Sir James: Mine intent?
He of the Gilded Finger: To make sport thou didst not here arrive.
Sir James: This glistering bar I do bring.
(Sir James throws ye bar of gold to the ground, hitting Oddjob's foot.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Sir James: Oh, sorry old chap.
He of the Gilded Finger: Then play for this bar we shall. I shalt stake ye cash equivalent.
(They play around, er, play a round. Sir James emerges victorious. Annoyed, He of the Gilded Finger hands his putter to Oddjob who snaps it easily with one hand.)
Sir James: Remarkable.
He of the Gilded Finger: Oh 'tis nothing, Sir James- I own the club. Twice have our paths crossed, Sir James. Let that sufficient be.
(He heads off to his carriage, which of course ist gilded. Sir James follows at a discreet distance.)

Act 4, Scene 4.

(In ye carriage supplied by ye Old Wizard, Sir James follows the gilded carriage across Europe. At one point, a smaller carriage driven by a pretty maiden doth overtake him. Sir James almost chases after, but...)

Sir James: Discipline, Naught Naught Seven.... discipline. These young maidens driving sports carriages, smoking, ........ they'll be voting next!
(High in ye mountains of Switzerland, ye gilded carriage draws to a halt as He of the Gilded Finger stops to buy some fruit, lentils and chickpeas.)
Sir James: ‘Twould seem he of the Gilded Finger ist stopping for refreshment. I should have known he would not be able to resist getting his lips about a lovely pear.
(A crossbow bolt flashes past Sir James's head, he turns in time to see the maiden run off, and in her carriage make haste away. Sir James quickly manoeuvres his own carriage beside hers then reaches for a lever marked "Boudica", slashing her wheel and sending her crashing into a hedge.)
Sir James: (Aside.) This is a fine way to meet a maiden. This time the wench didn't even break anything! (Aloud.) Gadzooks!!! Must be a defect of some sort, these new low profile carriage wheels... Goodyear?
Maiden: Not really first I lost my sist.... er, can you take me to the nearest village ?
Sir James: Of course, let me carry your bags, I shalt be only too pleased to give thee a ride. I am he who ist called-
Maiden: With all speed, I prithee.
Sir James: This crossbow case is beautiful. I had one just like it.
Maiden : Nay, it be’eth for my... er..... beach elephant polo trunks !
Sir James: Lovely sport, although I thought the elephants brought their own trunks.
Maiden: That's irrelephant.
Sir James: As Ivory well know.
(They enter ye carriage of Sir James and drive off.)
Sir James: And how may I call thee?
Maiden: Thou may know me as Maiden Tilly... er... St John Pseudonym Smythe.
(Sir James notices that her baggage ist stamped "TM".)
Sir James: Hmm...
Maiden Tilly: Watch out for that man with the green trainers! (Thump.) Too late!
Sir James: No matter, he will be back. Nothing surer.
Maiden Tilly: Look, there's an inn, thou can let me alight here.
Sir James: I didn't know you wanted a smoke, you could have had a pull on my...
(Ye maiden dismounts with her bag.)
Sir James: He looks to be in charge. (Sir James points at an innkeeper.)
Maiden Tilly: Super Visor ?
Sir James: Thank ye, I polish it every Knight

Maiden Tilly: Goodbye, then.
Sir James: Goodbye, don't forget to write.
Maiden Tilly: Sorry I didn't know you were an Uber, I'll give you a good review.

(Later, Sir James ist outside a factory. Ye sign reads "Gilded Finger Enterprises. Perfectly Normal Stuff Going On Here." He sneaks in, finding himself at a window where he doth spy He of the Gilded Finger talking with one of his men.)

He of the Gilded Finger: ...but Kirsch, thou did say that Mr Ling would be waiting here for me.
Kirsch: Indeed, sir, I know not where he might be.
(Mr Ling leaps out of a cupboard.)
Mr Ling: Ah-har!
He of the Gilded Finger: In heaven's name, Mr Ling, thou didst nearly give me a heart attack!
Mr Ling: A thousand apologies, He of the Gilded Finger, old habits die hard- mine previous employer did encourage me to attack him at any time.
He of the Gilded Finger: Most strange.
Mr Ling: He did say that it kept him at his peak.
He of the Gilded Finger: It sounds like a shot in the dark.
Mr Ling: Funny that thou should say that...
He of the Gilded Finger: Look ye at mine carriage, Mr Ling- 'tis made of solid gold, and I make three trips per year here to convey ye precious metal. Here, I smelt it.
Mr Ling: They do say that he who smelt it dealt it.
He of the Gilded Finger: Indeed, my dealings have made me rich beyond the dreams of avarice.
Mr Ling: Mayhap 'twould be wiser to wait for the moment.
He of the Gilded Finger: I assure ye, Operation Grande Slamme willst have mine undivided attention.
(Sir James silently departs.)
Sir James: Hmm, there ist an exit behind yon waterfall- it may be useful later.

(Sir James attempts to sneak out stealthily.)

Maiden Tilly: Ow! Watch where thou art putting thine feet!
Sir James: Maiden Tilly- what art thou doing here?
Maiden Tilly: I doth try to slay He of the Gilded Finger- he did kill mine sister!
Sir James: "TM".... Tilly Masterson!
Maiden Tilly: Nay, Masterton- that was only ever a typo by Richard Maibaum.
(An arrow flies between them. Sir James turns to see Oddjob and several armed men.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Sir James: Run for it, to mine carriage I prithee!
(They run to ye carriage, hotly pursued.)
Sir James: Quick, Maiden Tilly, get in!
(Oddjob and his men enter their carriages and follow.)
Sir James: Worry not fair Tilly, for I hath had some optional extras fitted. Would'st thou care to place thine sweet lips on my manly pipe ?
Maiden Tilly: Sir James thou art incorrigible, always thinking of your "pipe".
Sir James: Nay, its tobacco is a special blend from ye Old Wizard, and will produce much smoke to confuse these blaggards!
(Sure enough ye blaggards are confused. Sir James gives a display of superb carriagemanship to dispatch several of his pursuers but finds his path blocked by a fallen tree.)
Sir James: Hide in that wood.
Maiden Tilly: What wood? I cannot see any wood.
Sir James: Why it be’eth straight in front of thee!
Maiden Tilly: Oh. Aye, I couldn't see the wood for the trees.
(She runs but is struck down by Oddjob's hat and Sir James is forced under guard to drive his carriage once again back to He of the Gilded Finger's lair.)
Guard: Good day, Sir James, my name is Wilhelm Chin and I shall be thine brigand for this evening.
Sir James: Unusual name.
Chin: I am the child of a German missionary and a Chinese girl of good family. I am unique, thou hast never met anyone like me- I am even studying via a parchment course to become a Physician.
Sir James: That sounds very familiar...
Chin: Oh, that ist a disappointment- what about my hobby, collecting bird droppings?
Sir James: Sadly, that too- never mind, Chin up!
Chin: Please do not try anything foolish, I have this stiletto ready to timothy thine flesh.
Sir James: Don't you mean pierce mine flesh?
Chin: Yes, sorry, I always get those two mixed up.
Sir James: Thine stiletto- Jimmy Choo's or Christian Louboutin?
Chin: Take heed, Sir James, watch out for that man with green- (Thump.) .... trainers.
Sir James: He will be back, I am sure.
(They soon arrive at the gatehouse to He of the Gilded Finger's estate, an old woman is the keeper of the gate.)
Sir James: Who be’eth the Keeper of the Gate?
Chin: Oh, that ist Lexi. She is wise and tells fortunes.
Sir James: I hath come across maidens like that before.
Chin: Oh, listen to her boasting! He of the Gilded Finger knew some of us lads were missing our home comforts, so to speak, so employed her as a bit of eye candy.
Sir James: Sorry, but I cannot raise my eyebrow high enough!
Chin: Yes, she loves getting her expert hands on our socks.
Sir James: Now, thou did say socks?
Chin: Aye, for all the home comforts like’eth darning of socks, cooking some lovely pies and tucking us in to bed at night with a story, or telling us about our future.
(As they talk Sir James moves his foot across to a pedal marked "Pixie Dust".......)
Sir James: Had she any portent for thee ?
Chin: Aye, a promotion methinks, as she did speak of me rising or gaining stature.
Sir James: She hath the power, all right! Sorry old boy, but as we say- Chin Chin.
(Sir James steps on ye pedal and the guard is flung from his seat by a large spring! As he flies through the air the guard screams.)
Chin: Ah!!! ...
Sir James: Aye, that does indeed sound like a Wilhelm scream!
(Sir James turns his carriage to exit via the Gate Keeper, but she stands with a double barrelled cannon.... )
Gate Keeper: Say hello to my little friend! (She doth fire her weapon.)
Sir James: Balls!
(Turning his carriage away he shouts at the crone.)
Sir James: I hope thee knits socks in hell!
(Oddjob and his blaggards give chase, with Oddjob shouting at his men.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Oddjob's PA: Mr Oddjob has asked that half you men attack Sir James from behind whilst the other half get ahead to harass his front- and no, Mr Oddjob would like to point out that is not a sexual innuendo, as he frowns on bawdy humour.
Oddjob: Ah-har !
Oddjob's PA: Mr Oddjob would like to express his gratitude for all your hard work during this busy time. He knows there have had to be sacrifices for the operation- once again not an innuendo, but if we can capture Sir James quickly he’ll put up a round of drinks at the local tavern and will try and talk He of the Gilded Finger into adding that dental plan to ye perks of working for his "totally normal, nothing criminal going on here organisation".
(They run and give chase to Sir James, who finds himself forced down an alleyway facing two waterfalls.....)
Sir James: Two waterfalls- now what is the old rhyme again...?
" If waterfalls two is that what ye see, ‘tis left or right is the question that be.
Quick ponder, on yonder the one's that guess you might, then pull your reins
from slackened to tight.
Gird thine loins, with all the power ye can master, Turn to the left so thee can
run Faster "
(As Sir James is saying this he crashes into the waterfall on the left and is thrown uncon... uncons... knocked out from the carriage. Oddjob walks over and smiles.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Oddjob's PA: Mr Oddjob says well done lads. Once again, you've done him proud by hitting all ye targets and it reminds him of the old saying:
“There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest. Use both and overlook neither.”
so let’s get Sir James inside, and he'll give his usual friendly One to One chat session as he values your input, after all there's no I in team.
(Sir James is dragged away.)

Act 5, Scene 1. A villain’s lair. Sir James ist unconscious and tied to a table.

Sir James: ...oh do it harder, Felix... (Awakes.) Ah! ;%
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: But I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
He of the Gilded Finger: Nay, thee art but a lap dog to a Queen.
Sir James: We don't talk about Dame Miles's attire!
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou hast been recognised.
Sir James: Tindr ?... Not Grindr, that was a mistake, I accidentally hit accept ....
He of the Gilded Finger: Here be gold, Sir James. Its lustre hath beguiled me, and I am bewitched by its spell. Look up above thine head, Sir James.
(Sir James looks up to see a cauldron suspended over his feet.)
Sir James: And what might this be, He of the Gilded Finger? Hot oil, mayhap? Molten lead? Ah, nay, perhaps molten gold might be more your style.
He of the Gilded Finger: On thee I would not waste mine most precious gold! In this cauldron, which as thou canst see ist on a pulley controlled by ropes, is the output of the gents’ privy over the last two weeks.
Sir James: So you've been extracting the urine?
He of the Gilded Finger: Aye, not so much a GoldenEye but a Golden Shower! What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? No?...... Well I wouldn't pay £20 to have a lentil on my chest!
(He of the Gilded Finger laughs at Sir James.)
Sir James: Art thou pissing me about?
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou will find out soon enough- urine for a most unpleasant death, although we shalt have a nice rainbow to look at afterwards.
(He signals to his man, Kirsch, and ye cauldron slowly tips over slightly. A stream of golden liquid falls between the feet of Sir James, and slowly begins to work its way up towards him.)
Sir James: Thy point is most surely taken and for this demonstration I do offer mine thanks.
He of the Gilded Finger: With care must thee choose thine soonest witty saying, Naught Naught Seven, lest it be thine last.
Sir James: To speak shall I not, though thou shall anticipate it.
He of the Gilded Finger: I but anticipate thine death, Sir James.
(Ye vile stream gets ever closer to Sir James.)
Sir James: Ammonia servant of Her Majesty!
He of the Gilded Finger: But of course thou art.
Sir James: Thou art forgetting that Naught Naught Eight my place can take.
He of the Gilded Finger: Forsooth, more successful shall he be!
Sir James: Of what I know, he doth know.
He of the Gilded Finger: And what "he" sees, I see. That is, naught! Thou knowest naught, Sir James.
Sir James: Ye Grande Slamme is that of which I speak.
He of the Gilded Finger: (Taken aback.) Thou hast no ken of mine operations.
Sir James: This chance canst thou take?
(The liquid ist now very close to Sir James, who ist very afraid.)
He of the Gilded Finger: Hmm, thou art of more value alive, Sir James.
(He signals to Kirsch, who knocks Sir James out with a sandbag.)

Act 6, Scene 1. High above the sea.

Sir James: Impart unto me thine name, fair damsel.
Pussy: Pussy Galore am I.
Sir James: Most verily ‘tis true, though thine name I seek. Many maids hath given mine doublet the nickname of ye Burger King!
Pussy: For why ?
Sir James: As it be'eth the home of the whopper!
Pussy: I am in the personal service of He of the Gilded Finger.
Sir James: I wouldst know how personal that may be.
Pussy: His winged chariots I doth drive, exceeding well. Period.
Sir James: And where may we be headed now?
Pussy: Thee will find out soon enough, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith.
Pussy: Nay, to thine charms I am immune.
Sir James: Alas, for thou art so kind and funny and beautiful.
Pussy: Thou art merely trying to get me into bed.
Sir James: Hey, thou art smart, too!

Act 7, Scene 3. Another villain’s lair. Sir James hides beneath, listening.

He of the Gilded Finger: In faith hath the spirit of man great things achieved and events caused to be, yea even unto immense heights hath he ascended in all endeavours, yet not in the evil arts.
A Naughty Man: Enough have I heard- vast treasures thou dost owe me.
2nd Naughty Man: Vast treasures thou dost also owe to me.
He of the Gilded Finger: To all I do owe vast treasures, and mine coffers shall be open to thee upon the morrow.
3rd Naughty Man: Though the morrow be the Sabbath and all coffers shall be shuttered?
He of the Gilded Finger: Mine coffers open shall be.
Pussy: Thou hast enough heard, Sir James.
Sir James: Some fast falls together we must have.

Act 7, Scene 4. Outside a villain's lair.

He of the Gilded Finger: Great riches shall I impart to thee, Pussy.
Pussy: With these I shall mine island purchase, where none shall trespass.
He of the Gilded Finger: But I have the body of a Greek god!
Pussy: Surely Buddha was not Greek?
(Enter Sir James.)
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Sir James, sup with me this drink from ye colonies- 'tis called "tea".
Sir James: (Sips.) Mm, 'tis not bad.
He of the Gilded Finger: And 'tis non-alcoholic.
(Sir James spits his next mouthful on ye ground.)
Sir James: Phu Yuck, 'tis mud!
He of the Gilded Finger: Hmm, perhaps thou should have this mint julep.
Sir James: Thine vile scheme cannot prevail, He of the Gilded Finger. (Sips.) Good mint julep, though.
He of the Gilded Finger: Most well-informed thou art, Sir James, though mine scheme shall yet succeed. The great coffers of those across the sea art situated below a volcano- I shall cause this to erupt, sending a golden shower of lava over all their gold, which will cause the value of my gold to increase many times. I shalt be the richest man in the world.
Sir James: Mine apologies I do proffer, He of the Gilded Finger, for brilliant ist thine scheme.
He of the Gilded Finger: Well, I am the man, the man with the Midas touch.
Pussy: Walk with me, Sir James, 'tis a most pleasant day.
Sir James: That I shalt, with great pleasure.
(They walk towards a barn.)
Sir James: Hmm, this doth look interesting- wouldst thou enter here with me?
Pussy: Nay, for strictly the outdoor type am I.
Sir James: Oh? What wouldst it take for thee to see things my way?
Pussy: Quite a few mint juleps, methinks.
(Sir James enters ye barn, followed by Pussy.)
Pussy: But here it is cold, Sir James.
Sir James: Then come with me into the corner, 'tis always 90 degrees in a corner.
Pussy: Thou didst ask for this!
(Pussy doth throw Sir James over her shoulder into ye hay.)
Sir James: Most impressive. Here, help me up.
(Sir James pulls Pussy down beside him. They kiss.)

Act 7, Scene 5. Another field.

Lord Felix: Hast thou word of Sir James?
Man: Aye, he ist in yonder barn with a galore of pussy.
Lord Felix: Verily, then he is safe and well and happy.
Man: Then depart we should, Lord Felix?
Lord Felix: Aye, let us drive off. Watch out for yonder man with green shoes! (Thump.) Ah, well, never mind.

Act 9, Scene 2. A coffer of great riches, lit by torches.

Sir James: Art thou not tempted by all this gold, He of the Gilded Finger?
He of the Gilded Finger: Most surely not- but then, I am a compulsive liar.
Sir James: Hmm, not sure whether to believe you on that one...
He Of the Gilded Finger: Alack, removing ye gold does not fit my plan.
Sir James: And what now?
He of the Gilded Finger: I shalt now arrange for ye volcano above us to erupt, leaving you here to share the fate of the gold in being covered with lava. In this instance thou art exactly where I doth desire, Sir James.
Sir James: Till thine manservant a fuse doth blow.
He of the Gilded Finger: Goodbye, Sir Ja-
(From outside ist heard the sound of fighting. Quickly, He of the Gilded Finger runs out of the massive door and locks it behind him.)
Kirsch: What? This cannot be!
(He runs to ye door and struggles to open it, but Oddjob slays him with a single blow then turns to smile at Sir James.)
Sir James: Do not be a fool, Oddjob- we shalt die here unless yon door can be opened!
(Oddjob only smiles. Sir James picks up a piece of wood and smashes him across his face, to no avail, then Oddjob casually throws Sir James against a pile of gold. Sir James grabs one of the gold ingots and throws it, but it merely bounces off Oddjob’s chest. Oddjob picks up a handful of conveniently placed cream, custard, fruit, jelly and some sponge fingers then throws them at Naught Naught Seven, who ducks out of their way.)
Sir James: Do not trifle with me!
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Oddjob's PA: Mr Oddjob would like to point out that resistance ist futile. He personally has nothing against you, but the terms of his contract, to which he is committed, entail that thou dost not stand in ye way of the plan of he of the Gilded Finger.
(Desperately Sir James grabs a bucket and throws ye contents over Oddjob- it turns out to be tar, and only makes him angry enough to grasp his deadly hat and throw it. Sir James manages to dive out of the way, landing on a handy pillow. He picks up Oddjob’s hat and throws it back, but Oddjob merely moves his head and ye hat wedges itself next to one of the flaming torches that light the coffer. Running out of options, Sir James throws the pillow but it bursts, leaving Oddjob covered with feathers sticking to the tar as he reaches for his hat.)
Sir James: Turn and fight, you chicken!
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Oddjob's PA: Mr Oddjob assures you that this ist what he most surely intends to do once he hast retrieved his hat.
(Oddjob grasps his hat, but ye flames from the torch set fire to the tar and feathers covering him, and he expires in a flash just as Lord Felix and his men break down the door and run in.)
Lord Felix: Santiago! Sir James, art thou all right? And what happened to thine butler friend?
Sir James: Oh, some people in one’s road really burn you up these days. I prithee, where ist He of the Gilded Finger? Hast thou caught him?
Lord Felix: Alack, he did fly off in a winged chariot driven by a most comely wench.
Sir James: Pussy!
Lord Felix: Later, Sir James, we have more important things to worry about right now.
Sir James: Nay, she ist ye driver of the chariot- apace, Lord Felix, we must stop him before he causes ye volcano to erupt!

(They run quickly out of ye coffer and gaze up the slopes of ye volcano.)
Sir James: Look there, up in the sky.
Lord Felix: Is it a bird? Is it a pigeon? (Does double-take.)
Sir James: Nay, Lord Felix, ‘tis He of the Gilded Finger about to cause a massive eruption.
Lord Felix: I usually find it helpful to think of baseball when that ist about to happen...
Sir James: If only it would rain, a huge rainstorm would snuff out ye volcano.
Lord Felix: Sir James, in thine homeland do they know a raindance?
Sir James: Alack, in mine homeland we have ye exact opposite problem- some do a dance to stop the rain.
Lord Felix: Could thee do this dance backwards? It may cause the rain to fall!
Sir James: Dance backwards...?
(Sir James cautiously begins a few dance steps. Lord Felix watches intently, then joins in copying the moves. Together the two dance furiously.)
Lord Felix: Lo, Sir James, look up! 'Tis a cloud!
(As they dance more and more clouds appear in ye sky. Smoke begins to seep from ye volcano, then a few flames appear, gradually going stronger. The clouds thicken and darken.)
Sir James: Keep dancing, Felix, keep dancing!
(Lord Felix calls to his men.)
Lord Felix: Everybody, join in! You there, the three brothers- you should be dancing, yeah! 'Twill cause a chain reaction and prevent a tragedy.
(Three men in white suits begin to dance.)
Lord Felix: And you there- ye constable, ye Native American soldier, ye construction worker, ye cowboy, ye sailor...
(They sing “It’s fun to work for ye American C.I.A.”. As more and more join the dance, ye clouds begin a steady downpour of rain which grows heavier and heavier. The volcano ist snuffed out.)
Sir James: Look at me, Felix, this move ist a bit urban, so the young junior wizard hath told me.
(Sir James doth spin on his head and crawl like a caterpillar.)
Lord Felix: Impressive! But this be’eth all the rage in Washington- The Robot!
(Lord Felix doth start to move like a mechanical man.)
Sir James: Excellent!
(Sir James grabs Lord Felix by ye hand and the two dance ever more fervently together.)
Lord Felix: (Gasping for air.) ...er... Sir James, methinks we could stop dancing now. James? I said stop! Sir James!!! You've entered the danger zone where the dancer becomes the dance!
Sir James: Oh, er, sorry. Got a bit carried away, but thee hast to understand: I enjoy my dancing.
Lord Felix: I must say James, I was impressed with your Bailatino!
Sir James: Thank’ee, ‘tis these damn tights again, Sir Tom Ford always cuts then too tight.
Lord Felix: 'Tis over, we have won.
Sir James : Aye, but He of the Gilded Finger did escape.

Act 10, Scene 4. A port where a ship awaits.

Lord Felix: Our honoured leader ist looking forward to thanking ye personally, Sir James.
Sir James: And I to meeting him and shaking his hand.
Lord Felix: Er, be careful when thou do that, do not comment on his hands. Strong beverages for three await thee on board.
Sir James: Only three?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis only a short journey.

(Sir James boards ye ship.)
Sir James: Steward, I prithee, where ist mine cabin?
Steward: Down here, sir.
(Sir James goes below and into a cabin, to find He of the Gilded Finger awaiting him armed with an axe.)
He of the Gilded Finger: Surprised to see me thou art, Sir James?
Sir James: Art thee going to meet ye President too?
He of the Gilded Finger: Headed for Cuba am I- Pussy ist now in charge of this vessel, and thou hast interfered with mine plans for ye last time!
(He lunges for Sir James with ye axe, but Naught Naught Seven ducks and the axe strikes the bulkhead. Water starts gushing in, and He of the Gilded Finger ist swept away into ye sea. Sir James rushes up on deck heading for ye ship’s wheel where he finds Pussy struggling to keep ye ship on an even keel.)
Pussy: Help me, Sir James!
Sir James: But of course- come with me!
(Sir James leads the way to a small yellow canoe, thrusting Pussy inside (inside ye canoe 8-) oh ye of filthy minds) then shoving it into the water. They float away, watching ye great ship sink.)

Pussy: But how art we going to be rescued, Sir James?
Sir James: No time for rescue this is!
(His mouth comes ruthlessly down on hers.)

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond Shalt Return)

Barbel, Thunderpussy, Dirty Punker, Number24, Charmed & Dangerous

Barbel · February 2016

Act 1, Scene 1. A graveyard.

Madamoiselle: Yonder coffin doth bear thine monogram, Sir James.
Sir James: Better he than I, fair maiden. See how the widow doth linger not for her attendant to open her carriage door. Widow Bouvier, mine most sincere condolences I proffer.
(Sir James punches the Widow in her face. It ist revealed she is a man- they do battle, and Sir James ist victorious. Chased by varlets, he runs to his carriage.)
Madamoiselle: Be there any further services I can offer, Sir James?
Sir James: In time, ‘tis likely. Now, with speed enter mine carriage.
Madamoiselle: Watch out for that man with the green trainers! (Thump.) Too late!
Sir James: He should have run, while others walked.

Intermission. Maidens swim. A Welshman sings lustily.

Act 2, Scene 1. A place of business.

Comte de Blofeld: Betrayed have I been by one of mine cohorts. Was it thee, Lord Cubby?
Lord Cubby: Nay, Comte, I will be faithful and true till mine dying day and mine heirs Michael and Barbara will be also.
Comte de Blofeld: Was it thee, Lord Harry?
Lord Harry: In faith, ‘twas not I, for mine intent ist to retire within a decade.
Comte de Blofeld: Then was it thee, Lord Kevin?
Lord Kevin: Nay, mine liege, I would never betray thee.
Comte de Blofeld: Never sayest thou never, Lord Kevin.
(Lightning doth strike. Lord Kevin disappears and doth not return... for about ten years.)
Comte de Blofeld: Now, 'tis for Baron Largo to speak of our newest enterprise.
Baron Largo: Mine thanks to thee, Comte de Blofeld. Mine agent Count Lippe I have sent to an apothecary's chamber...

Act 2, Scene 2. An apothecary’s chamber.

Marquess Patricia: Thee I must examine, Sir James. Thine garments I would have thee doff.
Sir James: Ne’er dost thou say that as though it were meant, nurse.
Marquess Patricia: No nurse am I, whatever Absolutely_Cart doth say, for I am a therapist.
Sir James: And dost thee do acupuncture?
Marquess Patricia: Of course- I do not see the point, but I am stuck with it.
Sir James: Then that ist a jab well done.
Marquess Patricia: Dost thou exercise?
Sir James: Today I did forty press-ups.
Marquess Patricia: Verily?
Sir james: Well, not in a row.
Marquess Patricia: Most strange is thy bruising.
Sir James: ‘Twas a poker wielded by a widow.
Marquess Patricia: Marry, ‘tis most puzzling, for a widow thou be greatly suited.
Sir James: Nay, like me at all he did not.
Marquess Patricia: Hmm? And thou should lose some weight, Sir James.
Sir James: I have been on a martini diet- I have lost three days already!
(Enter Count Lippe.)
Count Lippe: Be thou prepared for mine assignation, Marquess Patricia?
Marquess Patricia: Directly shall I be with thee. Count Lippe, this is he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Count Lippe: Most pleased am I to meet thee, Sir... James.

Act 3, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Moneypenny: Thou art most tardy, Sir James.
Sir James: Across my knee I wouldst place thee, Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: For this I cannot wait. I shalt bring ye yogurt and lemon juice.
Sir Miles: Great weapons have been purloined, Naught Naught Seven, ‘tis thine charge their location to ascertain. To the colonies across the sea I shall send thee, to Nassau.
Sir James: With great pleasure I accept my mission, mine liege.
Sir Miles: Thine passion for making sport beneath the waves ist the cause, I have no doubt.
Sir James: Wast ever a man more misunderstood?
(Ye door opens, a lady with a trolley doth appear.)
Tea Lady: Wouldst thee care for tea, gentlemen?
Sir James: Is it stirred?
Tea Lady: Nay, 'tis always shaken.

Act 4, Scene 1. A beach.

Sir James: Thine form I doth admire, sweet maiden. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Duenna Dominetta: Marry, thine name is Bond, James Bond and my form thou hath admired.
Sir James: Most verily, like a man thou doth swim.
Duenna Dominetta: ‘Tis true of thee also.
Sir James: Much practice have I had. Thou shalt dine with me forthwith- partake of mine conch chowder.
Duenna Dominetta: Nay, thou hast been studying the wrong scrolls, for I am a vegetarian.
Sir James: That ist a missed steak.
Duenna Dominetta: Thou art suave and smooth.
Sir James: And I can soothe thee like vanilla.
Duenna Dominetta: Careful, Sir James, thou hast knocked over thine drink.
Sir James: 'Tis no problem, I have a licence to spill. Thou ist exceeding unco-operative, Domino.
Duenna Dominetta: How know'est thee I be called Domino?
Sir James: ‘Tis on thine ankle bracelet.
Duenna Dominetta: Thine eyes are exceeding sharp.
Sir James: Mine teeth await thine inspection.

Act 4, Scene 2. A gaming house. A band play "Good Morning Nassau Town".

Baron Largo: Pray join me in a game of cards, Sir....?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Baron Largo: Of thee have I had report from mine boon companions.
Sir James: Nil of ill repute, I do trust. I doth see a spectre upon thy shoulder.
Baron Largo: Wherefore...? A spectre? Let us play cards!
Sir James: And how much ist thine wager?
Baron Largo: I shall wager 288 gold pieces.
Sir James: 288? 'Tis too gross!
(Cards are played. Sir James emerges victorious.)
Sir James: For one dance with Duenna Dominetta I wouldst settle (and mayhap one more twenty years hence).
(Sir James and Dominetta dance.)
Sir James: So, thou art ye niece of Baron Largo?
Duenna Dominetta: Nay, I met him on Capri when I was there with mine brother- he ist most wonderful, I never meet men like him.
Sir James: Merely men like Largo or myself?
Duenna Dominetta: Thou art not like Largo.
Sir James: How so?
Duenna Dominetta: He does not dance with his hand on my bottom.
Sir James: Oh, sorry.

Act 4, Scene 5. A shed by the sea.

Lord Felix: I bear greetings, Naught Naught-
(Sir James strikes Lord Felix hard in his stomach.)
Sir James: A thousand pardons, Lord Felix, thou must not say Naught Naught Seven.
Lord Felix: (Gasping.) Sir James, thou dost have a visitor from thy homeland.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this magic timepiece! Behold this enchanted tablet! Day and night thou shouldst retain this.
Sir James: This remark I much resent. And what ist this here?
Old Wizard: 'Tis a utensil for eating food, of course.
Sir James: A utensil? Surely thou doth jest!
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my fork, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: With thine enchanted tablet I know'est not what to do.
Old Wizard: Thou must swallow it, Naught Naught Seven.

Act 4, Scene 7. A carriage. Sir James flags a lift.

Sir James: Most grateful I am to thee.
Fiona: Mine carriage great haste shall make.
Sir James: Verily, 'tis true, thine carriage flies as if with wings. Take heed of yon man there! (Thump.) Ah,too late.
Fiona: Dazzled was I by his bright green footwear.
Sir James: Then, no matter.
Fiona: In mine driving test, I did get eight out of ten.
Sir James: Only eight?
Fiona: Aye, the other two jumped clear.
Sir James: Hmm...
Fiona: Marry, there are gentlemen who care not to be driven.
Sir James: Nay, milady, there are gentlemen who care not to be taken for a ride.
Fiona: Here we must stop, for this ist mine boarding house.
Sir James: And 'tis mine, too.
Fiona: What a coincidence!
Sir James: Aye, as though it were planned...

Act 5, Scene 1. A domicile by the sea.

Baron Largo: Greetings, Sir James, do sup this Rum Collins.
Sir James: Yea, 'tis the correct hour.
Baron Largo: I prithee, greet my companions Yeoman Janni and Yeoman Vargas. Pray sup with us, Vargas... mayhap not, for Vargas doth not drink, Vargas doth not smoke, doth not dally with maidens. What dost thee do, Vargas?
Yeoman Vargas: http://www.ajb007.co.uk/topic/47891/what-can-vargas-do/
Sir James: Thine flintlock, it be more apt for a maiden.
Baron Largo: Thou doth know a surpassing amount concerning flintlocks, Sir James.
Sir James: Nay, I doth know a surpassing amount concerning maidens.
Baron Largo: Wast that an insult?
Sir James: Ye last thing I want to do is insult thee, but it IS on the list.
Duenna Dominetta: Come, Sir James, share with me mine conch chowder.
Baron Largo: But first, come see ye mine shark pool, Sir James.
Sir James: I did not know that sharks played pool?
Baron Largo: These are ye Golden Grotto sharks- most savage, most dangerous!
Sir James: But why does that one swim by himself?
Baron Largo: Ah, he ist a lone shark.

Act 5, Scene 3. A boarding house.

(Sir James enters to find Fiona in ye bath.)

Sir James: Well, hello.
Fiona: Art thou not in ye wrong room, Sir James?
Sir James: Well, I did ask for a room with a view, and I can think of no better view.
Fiona: Thou art too kind.
Sir James: With my profession, I'm used to being in hot water.
Fiona: Mayhap thou should get out of thine wet things.
Sir James: Oh, the things I do for Albion...

(A discreet interval later...)
Fiona: 'Tis time to attend ye festival, methinks.
Sir James: Aye, and mayhap thou should meet mine friends ye Largos, dost thou know them?
Fiona: Questions, questions, all I get ist questions!
Sir James: How about the Blofelds, the McClory's or Fanny Chmelar?
Fiona: Nay to all.
Sir James: Come, let us depart, and some discourse we can have as we travel.
(He opens the door to find Yeoman Vargas and Yeoman Janni.)
Sir James: Friends of yours I believe, Please make haste and enter, gentlemen.
(Sir James is searched and his dagger removed.)
Fiona: I did not notice thine small weapon.
Sir James: A bit hurtful, many wouldst marvel at the size of my...
Fiona: Thine dagger Sir James, thine dagger. But vanity has its dangers.
Sir James: Do not flatter yourself, dear maiden, what I did tonight was for Queen and country...... ok, and that I was horny! Horny, horny Horny (#)
Fiona: Ah, yes, your ego Sir James, Her Majesty's loyal stud muffin, who hast only to make love to a woman for her to hear heavenly choirs singing.....
Sir James: Yes, that's pretty much what happens!
Fiona: ...She repents from being a wicked lady and returns to the side of right and virtue.
Sir James: As I said, aye, that's what usually happens. They are attracted to the well of good inside me and about ten minutes later I'm usually well inside...
Fiona: (Loudly.) But not this one. I am proud of my ring....
Sir James: Aye, I've seen it, ‘tis very impressive, you obviously work out.
Fiona: ....and the organisation it represents- what a blow for you.
Sir James: What? Another, in front of the staff???
Fiona: ...to have a failure, I mean.
Sir James: Well ye cannot win’eth them all..... Although I do think the lady doth protest too much- I think you like me... you really like ME!

(They exit into ye street below, where a grand festival ist taking place.)
Fiona: Into this carriage, Sir James, and do not try anything clever.
Sir James: ‘Tis a pity, I had been wanting to play with my Rubik’s cube, do Ye Times crossword then read a parchment by Alchemist Stephen Hawking- and understand it!
(They are approached by a tourist waving a bottle.)
1st Tourist: I prithee, try mine drink.
Fiona: Nay, go away!
1st Tourist: ‘Tis most pleasant, ‘tis Coke Zero, I have brought it here from far Norway.
Fiona: I said no!
1st Tourist: Some Aquavit then?
Vargas: Thou hast heard ye lady, go away!
(Ye tourist exists, grumbling that he has 23 more cars to try, and ist quickly followed by a 2nd Tourist, with a bottle in one hand and a double bass in ye other.)
2nd Tourist: Hey, you in ye carriage, try some whisky.
Fiona: Another one!
2nd Tourist: Don’t mind if I do! (Drinks.) Here, have some.
Vargas: Begone this instant!
(Ye 2nd Tourist stumbles off, but ist replaced by a third as Fiona begins to light some tobacco.)
3rd Tourist: Try’eth some of mine, it be whisky but (Aside.) I've put an E in it.
Sir James: Excellent, exhilarating, exuberant!
(Sir James kicks ye bottle, causing the whiskey to spill and Fiona's flame to set it alight. In ye confusion he darts from ye carriage into ye festival.)
Fiona: Apace, after him!
3rd Tourist: #MeToo?
Fiona: If thou like'est!
(Ye parade ist full of dancers and singers, all watching a dog pee. Vargas, Janni and company pursue Sir James with Fiona coming from behind, much to ye 3rd Tourist's delight as he goes into a pub.)
Fiona: Over there!
(Sir James takes cover behind a display of sundials, elbowing aside a man in green trainers attempting to present them to ye public. As Fiona's men approach he sneaks off the back of ye display and out through ye crowd towards a drinking place where a maiden dances into ye fire-a fatal kiss ist all she needs.)
Fiona: In there, follow him!
(As they approach they see three tourists leaving a pub, obviously a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Norwegian.)
Fiona: What? Is this some sort of joke!
(Sir James sees Fiona, Vargas and company approach and quickly grabs ye hand of a young maiden.)
Sir James: Come dance with me this instant!
Maiden: But thou art mad!
Sir James: 'Tis a fine madness.
(As they dance, Fiona sends one of her men behind ye band then walks up behind ye maiden.)
Fiona: Do you mind if I cut In ?
Maiden: I did not know thine wife was here! (And exits.)
Sir James: You pick your moments, I was in there.(A song starts.)
Fiona: Ah, “Ye Funky Farm Fowl”, my favourite. (Ye music continues.)
Sir James: I know from, er, experience that thee certainly has rhythm.... and stamina... Ow!! Ow!! and apparently two left feet. But then, guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Fiona: I'll have you know I studied at the London Pineapple dance studios.
Sir James: What at, crushing grapes, killing cockroaches? ..... Ow!
(Ye yeoman of Fiona hides behind the minstrels stage, winces, and draws out a crossbow.)
Fiona: Thou can not escape, Sir James, I have many men, in many positions.
Sir James: Aye, so the writing on the privy wall wouldst attest to.... Ow!! Wouldst thee try and put thine feet on the dance floor once and awhile!
(Ye hidden yeoman winces again at Fiona's dancing....)
Fiona: You do enjoy thine dancing, Sir James.
Sir James: Ow!! Usually- I have been complimented on my Ballatino before. Ow!!
Fiona: Aye, ‘tis very impressive.
(Ye hidden yeoman winces again and can take no more. He fires his crossbow, the arrow striking Fiona since he loved dance too much to see her butcher it. Sir James moves ye body of Fiona to a nearby table.)
Sir James: Rest here, darling, you've been giving it large! Perhaps a grave error?
Drunk: She a light weight?
Sir James: More of a dead weight!
(Leaderless, ye henchmen retire in confusion.)

Act 5, Scene 5. A beach. Sir James and Dominetta emerge from ye water.

Sir James: ...and doth thee approve of mine breast stroke?
Duenna Dominetta: Most certainly, ‘tis very practiced and accomplished... Ow!!
Sir James: What ails thee, sweet Domino?
Duenna Dominetta: ‘Tis mine foot- ‘twould seem stuck in something in ye sand.
Sir James: Let me see.. oh, nay! ‘Tis that most dreaded of all foot complaints.
Duenna Dominetta: Nay, not that! Thou canst not mean...?
Sir James: Aye- thine foot hast got caught inside a green training shoe.
Duenna Dominetta: Help me, Sir James, thou must help me!
Sir James: Of course- lie down, I prithee, in ye sand... now just relax....
(Quickly Sir James removes ye questionable item and tosses it onto ye sand.)
Duenna Dominetta: Most grateful I am to thee that it is gone before anyone else did see me in it!
Sir James: ‘Tis fortunate ‘twas only one- if thine feet had got stuck in two of them who knows what might have happened?
Duenna Dominetta: Sir James, I must tell thee that Baron Largo ist gathering all his men together tonight for a secret mission.... but Vargas ist watching us.
Sir James: Ist he now...?
(Quickly Sir James picks up ye green shoe and with unerring aim throws it at Vargas, striking him dead.)
Sir James: May his sole rest in peace.

Act 6, Scene 1. Another beach.

(Baron Largo assembles his men. Unbeknownst to him, Sir James slays one of them and takes his place.)
Baron Largo: 'Tis time to depart on our mission, mine friends. Most proud am I of thine efforts thus far, and ye Comte de Blofeld sends his best wishes from back in Paris.
(His ears perking up, Sir James produces a quill and parchment and writes down "Comte de Blofeld, Paris" thinking that Sir Miles will be very pleased with this on his return.)
Baron Largo: Only one more task awaits, to retrieve ye great weapons and put them in place. Now, let us go! And, remember- no smoking.
(Baron Largo leads his men into ye ocean, Sir James among them. Sadly, ye parchment is soaked and the ink runs off- later Sir Miles is very unimpressed when Sir James shows it to him.)

Act 6, Scene 2.

(Much swimming and fighting beneath the sea- excerpts available on ye tapestry on display at Castle McClory. Sir James pursues Baron Largo to ye Disco Volante.)

Act 6, Scene 3. A boat.

(Sir James does battle with Baron Largo and his men, defeating all but ending up with Baron Largo holding him at swordpoint.)

Baron Largo: Now I have thee at mine mercy, Sir James. To quote the minstrels "Ye Red Hot Chilli Peppers", I've got something I want to put in ya.. this blade!!
Sir James: Well, enjoy thineself. I notice thine blade is one of those new fangled Wilkinson twin blades?
Baron Largo: To double my pleasure!
(Duenna Dominetta comes up behind Baron Largo and stabs him in ye back with an arrow.)
Baron Largo: A shaft at mine back, now that takes me back to my boarding school days- I feel so cold, hath death brought its cold sting...?
Sir James: Nay- thee hast thine hand in the ice bucket, next to thine cigars.
(Baron Largo uses his sword to destroy the ships wheel before he dies.)
Duenna Dominetta: In faith, that I have slain him doth please me.
Sir James: No more than it doth please me. Now make haste- time to leave!
(They both jump into the sea.)

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return)

Barbel, Thunderpussy, Number 24

Barbel · February 2016

THOU TWICE SHALT LIVE

Act 1, Scene 2. A boudoir. Sir James ist entertaining an eastern maiden.

Sir James: I wonder why from other maidens doth maidens of the east smack of change...?
Deceitful Maiden: Verily, of greater savour art we?
Sir James: Nay, sweet maid, though different as the duck differs from the fish.
Deceitful Maiden: Sweet Sir James, to thee shall be given the most excellent duck.
Sir James: 'Twill be most delightful, I am sure.
(Two varlets doth enter and apparently slay Sir James.)

Intermission. Maidens bow. A famed man’s daughter sings.

Act 2, Scene 2. The cabin of Sir Miles.

Sir Miles: Those who have no love for thee
Think thee lie under the sea
Thine deeds shall henceforth flow more free
For ye big one this job shall be.
Sir James: Forsooth I shalt follow thine plan
Though one matter must I understand
Mine mission doth lie in Japan
A craft I seek, where did it land?
Sir Miles: For thee, that is thine charge. Now, to Tokyo thou must go, and there seek contact with our man Lord Henderson. Maid Moneypenny, impart to Naught Naught Seven ye secret code of recognition.
Moneypenny: Sir James, I do love thee. By your favour, tell this back to me.
Sir James: Concern ye not, it is understood.
Moneypenny: And ye should study this scroll, on ye eastern way of speaking.
Sir James: 'Tis no problem, many foreign tongues have I studied...

Act 2, Scene 3. A carriage.

Lady Aki: I do love thee, Sir James, and I know'est of a boarding house which lies but nigh.
Sir James: Marry, most pleased am I to hear this. And there?
Lady Aki: Thine boon companion Lord Henderson awaits thee.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) Oh, yes. Of course. Take heed, watch out for yon man with green trainers. (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Lady Aki: Ist he all right?
Sir James: We may never care... er, know.

(A boarding house.)
Lord Henderson: I bid thee welcome, Sir James.
Sir James: Thine pardon I crave.
(Sir James strikes Lord Henderson upon his leg. There ist a clanging sound.)

Lord Henderson: Most grateful I am that thou were correct- 'tis just the leg to the left, not the leg to the right. Put your hands on your hips... er, pray take this mead, 'tis stirred and not shaken.
Sir James: Perfect, methinks.
Lord Henderson: I get mine vodka from ye doorman at the Consulate of ye Tsars- among other things...
(Secretly Sir James pours the drink out into a plant pot.)
Lord Henderson: Thou has never been to Japan before?
Sir James: Once with Sir Miles, but he has sworn me to secrecy- all I can say is it involved Karaoke, a potters wheel, a Liverpool tunic, some Geisha girls and about three pounds of potato salad.

Lord Henderson: Interesting. I hath lived here almost all my life. Oh you couldn't just witness this, it be’eth my last will and testament, doesn't do to put these things off. You never know... And I'm just cancelling my Parchment of the Week club and Asian Maiden of the Month subscriptions.
Sir James: Aye, most surely. (Sir James doth sign the document.) What know’eth ye of this business?
Lord Henderson: It involves a great trader...
Sir James: Eh?
Lord Henderson: Sorry Sir James it be’eth not multiple choice. Of a great trader named Osato I carry much suspicion. Thou must meet with him, and I know’eth ye Tiger Prince, he's the head of the local Secret Samurai clan. He will set up a meeting. But first I'd like to....
Sir James: Yes, go on.
Lord Henderson: .......................................
Sir James: Please don't stand on ceremony.
Lord Henderson: .....................................
Sir James: (He doth move across to Lord Henderson, to see a dagger in his back.) ..... They do have some strange customs in Japan.
(Sir James gives chase and kills ye assassin. Searching, he finds a parchment on him.)
Sir James: What be’eth this...? Hmm, an employee parchment card for Osato Apothecary Potions.

Name: Stin Ki Pu
Occupation: Assassin and General Underling
Special Interests: Cooking Sushi, growing giant Bonsai trees and maypole dancing.

.... Um! Plus some other interesting items.
(A small sports carriage arrives and Lady Aki gestures for Sir James to join her.)
Lady Aki: We must make haste, Sir James.
Sir James: (Getting in.) And thou must tell me where we are going.
Lady Aki: Ye will find out soon enough.
Sir James: Nay, tell me now for Lord Henderson hast been slain.
(Aki stops ye carriage and leaps out into an alley. Sir James follows but falls down a concealed trapdoor, down a long chute and ist deposited into a comfy chair. A man stands laughing.)
Man: ‘Twas remarkably easy to bring thee to me, Sir James, for thou art only too keen to get into a carriage with a pretty girl. I am ye Tiger Prince.
Sir James: Oh? How dost thou feel about me, then?
Tiger Prince: Why, I do love thee.
Sir James: Of course thou does, everyone doth love me! (Aside.) And I be'eth glad you're not holding a carpet beater.
Tiger Prince: ‘Tis true, and most especially Maid Moneypenny from what I have been told.
Sir James: Nay, we be but friends.
Tiger Prince: ...with benefits, mayhap...? Still, no matter.
Sir James: Lord Henderson hast been slain, and from his assassin I didst take this scroll.
Tiger Prince: (Reading.) Tokyo Funhouse, hot and cold running Geishas...?
Sir James: Sorry, wrong scroll- this one.
Tiger Prince: It doth speak of a ship called ye Kung Po, docked at ye port of Teriyaki in the Sushi province. This ship ist owned by a man called Osato.
Sir James: Ah, Lord Henderson did speak of this man.
Tiger Prince: Then I shalt arrange for ye to call on him tomorrow.

Tiger Prince: Sir James, pray partake of a flask of rice wine.
(Sir James doth feel the flasks of sake.....)
Sir James: This be’eth too hot, this one too cold, but this one is just right.
Tiger Prince: Verily, thy cultivation ist most exceptional.
Sir James: Aye, I even get out of the bath to use ye privy.
Tiger Prince: Dost thou know of our military history also?
Sir James: I hast only read a Samurai, er, summary.
Tiger Prince: Then thou must be educated in our customs. Here, men do always come first.
Sir James: No doubt an Apothecary could supply an ointment to help with that. Or thou couldst think about cricket.
Tiger Prince: Nay, here women live to serve men.
Sir James: In this matter I have great interest, Tiger Prince.
(A succession of comely young wenches enter and stand behind some plinths with lights.)
Tiger Prince: And which of my concubines doth thee find most in favour? No likey, no lighty.
(Sir James runs across turning off the lights on the plinths until only one remains ...)
Sir James: For this sweet maid here I shalt settle.
Tiger Prince: Aye, she ist most sexiful indeed.

Act 3, Scene 4. A place of business. Sir James ist greeted by Osato and his aide, Helga.

Osato: Greetings be upon thee, and pray welcome mine depute Helga.
Helga: Greetings, wouldst thee like a glass of champagne?
Sir James: Later, perhaps.
Helga: A flute of wine?
Sir James: Later, perhaps.
Helga: A stein of brandy?
Sir James: As I said, later!
Helga: A Highball?
Sir James: Oh all right, I'll have some mead- let it shaken be and not stirred.
Helga: Sorry, we don't have any of that.
Osato: I always enjoy a quick one in the morning.
Sir James: As do I... but I usually don't start drinking 'till the afternoon.
Osato: As thou wishes.
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Yeoman Fisher, and I seek joint enterprise with thee.
(Sir James lights up.)
Osato: Thou should stop smoking, 'tis very bad for thine chest.
Sir James: I have given up smoking many times.
Osato: I bid thee welcome into my bosom.
Helga: In a strong bosom doth Osato-san carry great faith.
Sir James: ...verily...
Osato: So, I prithee, what of thine predecessor Yeoman Williamson?
Sir James: Williamson? .... Oh, he died in our quill making factory. Fell into a pen of swans- you know how a swan can break a man's arm.
Osato: Indeed!
Sir James: Well, our swans are specially bred for aggression so they did peck at him, again and again.
Osato: To die that way is horrible!
Sir James: Aye, surrounded by peckers. Everywhere you'd look, there'd be another large pecker in your face.
Helga: How... awful.
Osato: Well, most pleased I am to meet thee Yeoman Falsename, er, Fisher, and I trust we shall do business together.
Sir James: I thank'ee.
(Sir James exits.)
Osat: Helga- slay him!
Helga: Let us make it official (Produces some parchments.). For assassination thou must initial, here and here.... sign here and you do have a two minute cooling off period if you wish to rescind your request........ also, would you sign this birthday card for Dum Fuk in ye printing department?
Osato: Ruddy official Spectre red tape! If The Syndicate made me an offer, I'd be off!

Act 3, Scene 5. Outside Osato's building.

(As Sir James leaves, he ist attacked by varlets but Aki drives up in her carriage.)
Lady Aki: Apace, Sir James, get in!
Sir James: Hmm, have we not done this before?
(They drive off in their small white carriage, hotly pursued by ye varlets in a large black one.)
Sir James: I do hope that thine carriage hast been altered by an Old Wizard, and hast many tricks to foil our pursuers- mayhap, arrows firing from ye rear?
Lady Aki: Better than that- look above!
(Sir James looks up to see a large dragon bearing down upon their pursuers. It picks up ye black carriage behind, though the reins snap leaving its horses safely upon ye road, and flies off. Ye horseman vainly continues to hold the reins as if steering as ye dragon flies over a bay and drops the carriage into the water.)
Sir James: Here be Dragons! I am very impressed with thine efficiency.
Lady Aki: We call him Sean-san, because of the tuft of hair on his head.... and because he doth slur his roar.
Sir James: Shlur hish roar?
Lady Aki: Exactly. Just don't be under him when... er... the droppings start!
Sir James: T'would be deep shi...
(Lady Aki interrupts Sir James as an arrow with a message attached strikes her carriage.)
Lady Aki: Ye Tiger Prince hast decreed that we should head straight for ye docks at Teriyaki for a closer look at ye ship Kung Po.
Sir James: Then let it be so. But watch out for yon man with green- (Thump.) ....never mind.
Lady Aki: Too late- but, what of yon man there with ye umbrella?

Sir James: For God's sake, do not run HIM down!!!

Act 3, Scene 6. Ye docks.

Sir James: There ist ye ship- now, let us get closer...
Lady Aki: Take heed, Sir James, we art being watched.
Thug: Would thee like to help our charity for henchmen who hath fallen on hard times?
Sir James: I did give at the office.
Thug: A payment of a few groats a month could feed an ex-assassin or provide training for injured villains in wicker or papier-mâché crafts.
(A gang of charity workers approach menacingly.)
Sir James: Off with ye, Lady Aki, make haste back to ye Tiger Prince- I shalt deal with these ruffians.
(Aki exits. Sir James runs up to a rooftop but ist followed by ye charity workers, who capture him and render him unconscious.)

Act 3, Scene 7.Another boudoir. Sir James ist still knocked out, and tied to a chair.

Sir James: ....ow, mine head doth hurt... be more careful, Felix, next time we...(Awakes to see Helga before him.) ... Oh, hello.
Helga: Here I have thee bound, Yeoman Fisher.
Sir James: Then much enjoyment I therefore wish unto thee.
Helga: Pursuit of business be not thine intent. I require to know why thou were found wandering around our docks.
Sir James: I like boats, and I used to be a sailor.
Helga: Hmm- wert thou ordinary or able-bodied?
Sir James: Judge for thineself! I'm listed in the Certificate of Continuous Discharge.
Helga: Doth thee know what I hold in my hand?
Sir James: It be’eth a wine glass obviously.
Helga: In my OTHER hand!
Sir James: It appears to be a piece of parchment, very sharp.
Helga: Aye, thee hast guessed well. I'll give you a closer look...
Sir James: No need, fair maid I can see well enough.
Helga: ... cuts as close as a razor! And you do like close shaves.
Sir James: Actually, I'm growing a beard. Something hipster.
Helga: They do say the paper cut is the worst pain a man can endure.
Sir James: I don't know about that, I've been to a Sir Barry Manilow concert.... Although, perhaps I must speak the truth. I hath been promised lands and several Essex Virgins if I can acquire some of Osato's Apothecary secrets..... I'll share the rewards with thee, if thee please release me, let me go.
Helga: Are these lands worth much monies and hard to find?
Sir James: Aye, the land is worth much as it comes with many titles- and you wouldn't believe how hard it is to find an Essex virgin.
(Helga cuts through Sir James's Bonds.)
Helga: Kiss me forthwith.
Sir James: For England such matters I must do.
(They embrace.)

(A discreet interval later, Helga leads Sir James outside.)
Sir James: And what have we here?
Helga: ‘Tis a hot-air balloon, to take us safely away. In thou go’est.
Sir James: Thou willst need protection, day and night. I recommend our best man.
Helga: And who might that be?
Sir James: Let me see... there’s Alec, but he can be a bit two-faced. Also Bill, though I think he ist busy navel-gazing in Beirut. So that leaves... me!
Helga: I think it not, Yeoman Fisher!
(Helga lets go of the mooring rope, sending Sir James up in the balloon.)
Helga: The wind will carry you off to sea.
Sir James: To see what?
Helga: Your journey to the promised land!
Sir James: What? Chelsea?
(The balloon rises, and moves away...)
Sir James: (Up in ye sky.) If only ye Old Wizard were here, he knows about hot air. But mayhap this will suffice...
(Sir James begins to unwind pieces of wicker from the balloon basket. After several minutes he ist ready.)
Sir James: Crude? Yes. Functional? Aye, but it should work!
Helga: (From below.) Now Sir James, it will be such sweet sorrow, as my cannon blows you out of the sky!
(Sir James stabs the balloon with his dagger. It begins to descend..... Sir James jumps just as Helga's cannonball destroys ye basket, sending it falling with a splash.)
Sir James: I hope ye Old Wizard would'st be proud...
(Sir James uses the wave from the crashed balloon basket to surf into shore on his improvised wicker surfboard.)
Sir James: (Singing.) I wish they all could be Caledonia Girls.... #

Act 4, Scene 1. A castle. Inland, since in Japan castles are not built by ye sea. Sir James walks with Aki and ye Tiger Prince through ye grounds.

Aki: Thou wert very lucky, Sir James.
Tiger Prince: I did warn thee not to get into a carriage with a pretty girl, though I must admit I did not think thou would get into a balloon.
Sir James: Well, when she said that she would'st elevate me, I thought she had something else in mind.
Aki: I am sure Sir James would not touch such a girl!
Sir James: But of course not- heaven forbid!
Tiger Prince: Now, Sir James, a visitor from Albion is here for thee.
(Enter Ye Old Wizard.)
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven: behold thine circumscribed winged chariot!
Sir James: It's Jewish? .... Nice short britches, by the way.
Old Wizard: 'Tis cutting edge Albion Technology.
Tiger Prince: 'Tis naught but a toy.
Old Wizard: Nay, 'tis no toy- with this thou shalt fly to yonder fiery mountain whilst I shalt take some exercise.
Sir James: Exercise? Surely thou doth jest!
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my walk, Naught Naught Seven.
(Sir James climbs carefully into ye tiny winged chariot.)
Tiger Prince: Good luck, Sir James.
Lady Aki: Be careful!
(Sir James flies over a volcano, seeking any clues. Ye shadow of his tiny craft is joined by ye shadows of six menacing birds of prey. Sir James looks over his shoulder to see the birds are carrying tiny Bonsai bowmen.)
Sir James: Bonsai riders! I need to branch off.
(Sir James deftly turns ye tiny craft left and right, but the Bonsai men follow his every move. Arrows whistle past Sir James, narrowly missing him. With a lurch, Sir James pulls on his joystick to make ye tiny winged chariot climb in a steep curve, while the Bonsai riders continue beneath. Sir James pulls on a lever in his chariot, and tiny bags of weed killer drop from beneath.)
Sir James: That should root them out.
(The bags hit three of ye Bonsai riders, who immediately wither and fall to the ground.)
Sir James: I need to leaf, with haste.
(Two of ye remaining Bonsai riders bank and swerve towards Sir James's chariot, releasing quivers full of arrows, one of which embeds into Sir James's chariot. Fuel begins to stream from the craft, and Sir James grimly realises he has only moments left. He pulls another tiny lever, and a tiny package wrapped with silver foil drops from beneath one side of his craft. One of ye birds deftly cranes its neck forward and swallows the package. Moments later, it turns green and crashes to the side of the volcano.)
Sir James: Hmm, Albion Airways in-flight catering, what a nasty way to go.
(The remaining archer lights ye tip of his biggest arrow, and fires it straight at Sir James. With a last-ditch attempt, Sir James pulls ye final lever and a lump of strangely yellow-coloured ice flies from his chariot. The remaining archer's arrow pierces the ice, which melts, sizzling, atop the archer's head. With a scream, he turns yellow, withers and crashes to the ground.)
Sir James: Privy, I think that snowball flushed him out a wee bit. Must have been the sake.
(Steering ye failing chariot, he coasts it towards the side of the volcano, where it lands.)
Sir James: So much for Japanese miniaturisation.

Act 5, Scene 2. A villain’s lair.

Comte de Blofeld: I am the Comte de Blofeld, or soon will be. Wherefore doth Sir James Bond live still?
Osato: Orders did I give that he should be slaughtered without mercy. In this mission did Helga lack of success.
Comte de Blofeld: Did thee fill out the necessary parchments?
Osato: Aye, Comte de Blofeld, and initialled!
Comte de Blofeld: I shalt deal with thee later- now, I have important visitors to attend to.
1st Eastern Lord: For our collective schemes I do have concern, much treasure have we given unto thee yet our travails have yielded naught.
Comte de Blofeld: I have decided more treasure must thee give unto me.
2nd Eastern Lord: Most vile extortion this doth be.
Comte de Blofeld: Such is mine pursuit, Eastern Lords. I beg thee for thine patience whilst I do feed mine fish with the wastrel Helga.
(Ye Eastern Lords look on curiously.)
Comte de Blofeld: Hans, bring Helga close to mine fish pond, so she may see fishies.
Helga: That be'eth disgusting, Comte de Blofeld!
Comte de Blofeld: I said FISHIES! See how beautiful they look.
(As Helga leans over, Hans bumps her thigh with his knee sending her falling in...)
Comte de Blofeld: Look how, Hans Knees Bumps the Lady!
(Helga ist fed to ye fish.)
Helga: Osato! Nay!!! (Dies.)
Comte de Blofeld: She's had her chips.... Osato, kill Sir James now!
Osato: Aye, Comte!!!
Comte de Blofeld: Verily, Eastern Lords, hath thee thought over mine offer?
1st Eastern Lord: (Quickly) You want it delivered to the usual place?

Act 4, Scene 4. Ye castle of ye Tiger Prince.

Sir James: Now, Tiger Prince, we shalt need a company of men- large, muscular: do you know such men ?
Tiger Prince: What make’eth you think I know of such men? Do not believe all the rumours thou hears!
Sir James: Nay, a company of great warriors to help in our attack- do you have such men here?
Tiger Prince: We have much, much better Sir James. Look here!
(They turn a corner to see young men in white fighting and exercising furiously.)
Tiger Prince: These men are trained from birth in ye arts of stealth and war. Their pay is not much, though they receive benefits both from ye government and their local lord. All art under twenty years of age and hope to be employed opening doors, throwing bowler hats, and so on.
Sir James: So, they are Teenage Two-Grant Ninja Butlers...?
Tiger Prince: As I said, their pay ist not much and they spend their spare time earning extra cash working on weddings and funerals- they art not very clever.
Sir James: So, they are also Low-Waged Hugh Grant Ninja Numbskulls?
Tiger Prince: I first thought of training them, when I was lost at sea on a little boat with a small Indian boy.
(They walk past many training and fighting areas ....)
Tiger Prince: Take these, Sir James.
Sir James: And what might these be?
Tiger Prince: 'Tis an extract from sheep, which have been on a strict diet till very old. They are fed only damaged parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. 'Twill give thee strength in battle.
Sir James: So, these are Lean Aged Mouton Injured Herb Pills...
Tiger Prince: Just off ye volcano ist an island, where ye Ama girls dive for pearls. My men will hide here, and thee will be disguised as a fisherman complete with wife.
Lady Aki: Excellent! I shalt start planning ye wedding immediately- ye bridesmaids, ye music, fourteen swans... I have had a book full of ideas since I was a little boy.... My codpiece will look sensational, and the talk of the town.... this time for all the right reasons!
Tiger Prince: I regret ‘tis not to be- Sir James must marry an Ama girl with a face like a pig.
Sir James: A truly beautiful and sexy pig?
Tiger Prince: Nay!
Sir James: (Doubtful and a little afraid.) Art thee sure about this, Tiger Prince?
Lady Aki: Aye, mine plan ist much better- mine friends shalt have me ride in a great carriage, we shalt have male strippers and...
Tiger Prince: Nay! These are not a bunch of student nurses knocking back yon Snakebite- this ist duty!
Sir James: ... duty...
Lady Aki: Aye... duty....

Act 4, Scene 5. Another boudoir.

Lady Aki: Sir James, if thou art to be married tomorrow...
Sir James: Aye, to an Ama with a face like a pig!
Lady Aki: ...then this will be our last night together. We shouldst make the most of it.
Sir James: I like your thinking, Lady Aki.
Lady Aki: I hath looked up all the traditions from Albion- first we have the drinking of the mead. Then ye singing of the bawdy songs and jokes, the visit to ye lap dancing, the "Getting a Kebab" and being violently sick on the foot path. But first ye must lie back, Sir James!
Sir James: That's the part I like...
Lady Aki: I must apply the most honourable Fake Tan.... all over your body.
Sir James: Why not just tan the parts that show?
Lady Aki: I enjoy applying it on the bits that don't show.
Sir James: Come here milady, let me show you something....
(They embrace. A discreet interval later, both lie sleeping while above an assassin lies waiting. Eating some peanuts.....)
Sir James: (Murmurs.) No Felix, I'm sure it won't fit.....
(Ye assassin accidentally drops a peanut into Lady Aki's mouth...)
Lady Aki: Uh? (Slurring.) Oh, Sir James, I'm swelling ...
Sir James: I can feel a swelling too....
Lady Aki: No, I can't tawlk proper.
Sir James: Nonsense, perhaps not the Queens's English but it's very good.
Lady Aki: Shir Jamesh, you shee I am allergic to peanutsh...
Sir James: Oh, very funny, everyone tries to take the pi- oh, I see!
(Sir James spies ye assassin and doth throw his dagger to dispatch the villain.)
Sir James: Lady Aki?
(Lady Aki can say nothing, merely pointing helplessly to her swollen lips as ye Tiger Prince enters.)
Tiger Prince: What hath occurred, Sir James?
Sir James: Lady Aki hath had something disgusting placed into her mouth!
Tiger Prince: Well, what Lady Aki chooses to place in her mouth is her own private business...
Sir James: Nay, ‘tis this peanut!!
Tiger Prince: Much sorrow does fill my heart- she will become bloated and will have to leave for treatment, she will not be seen by us again in this play.
Sir James: If it has to be, but we must move quickly.
Lady Aki ist quietly taken off.

Act 4, Scene 6. A place of worship.

Sir James: And how will we go about this arranged wedding, Tiger Prince?
Tiger Prince: We shalt do it in ye traditional manner, sit here.
(Ye Tiger Prince and Sir James sit in front of a stage and watch as a man introduces a series of maidens.)
Host: Our first contestant ist ye lovely Miss Kobe, wearing a stylish outfit made from beer soaked cowskin. How are you, Miss Kobe?
Miss Kobe: I would like to see world peace and everyone being kind to dolphins.
(Ye Tiger Prince looks enquiringly at Sir James, who shakes his head.)
Host: Thank you, wouldn't we all? (A long hook unceremoniously drags Miss Kobe off ye stage.) Next ist ye beautiful Miss Tokyo, how are you today?
Miss Tokyo: All ye world should be brothers, or foster brothers at least.
(Sir James shakes his head violently.)
Sir James: Foster brothers, stupidest idea I have ever heard.
(A trapdoor opens and Miss Tokyo falls through.)
Host: And now, the moment ye have all been waiting for, 'tis the glamorous, delightful Miss Ama! (Enter Lady Kissy in a white bikini.) And wouldst thou like world peace, Miss Ama?
Lady Kissy: Nay, all I want ist to dive for pearls wearing this outfit.
(Ye Tiger Prince looks at Sir James, who ist having difficulty keeping his eyes in his head and his tongue in his mouth.)
Tiger Prince: ...and I believe we have a winner.

Act 6, Scene 2. Still another boudoir.

Sir James: So, this ist where we spend our wedding night, then.
Lady Kissy: And in this bed here shalt ye sleep.
Sir James: Though in marriage we have jointly vowed?
Lady Kissy: Thou must reconsider, Sir James, for to ye holy man thou has borne false witness.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) Then these oysters I shall not need.
Lady Kissy: That is shellfish.
Sir James: Everyone'sh at it now.
(Enter ye Tiger Prince.)
Tiger Prince: Thou must make haste, Sir James, for those across the sea will make launch of their vessel most exceeding soon.
Sir James: But of course.

Act 6, Scene 3. A fishing boat.

Lady Kissy: Hold ye boat steady, Sir James, whilst I go down...
Sir James: What, here? You little minx, I.....
Lady Kissy: .....while I dive below. Silly Sir James.
(She leaps into ye water, and surfaces a few moments later clutching an oyster and a piece of string.)
Sir James: Last time I tried that I pulled a mussel. (Aside.) Why the string, milady?
Lady Kissy: I didst hear you speak to ye Tiger Prince that thee wished to give me a pearl necklace!
Sir James: (Blushing ) Ah... yes... let us sneak away from the others towards that volcano yonder.
Lady Kissy: Most certainly.
(They arrive at ye foot of a volcano. Sir James secures the boat.)
Lady Kissy: Is the boat tied securely?
Sir James: Roger, Moored!
(They proceed up the hillside.)
Sir James: Keep going, milady.
Lady Kissy: How far do you want to go?
Sir James: All the way, of course. :007)
Lady Kissy: Perhaps with this adventure, some might say you go'eth over the top.
Sir James: Aye, I hath oft been accused of that!
(They continue climbing, until confronted by a high wall.)
Lady Kissy: This be a Great Wall.
Sir James: Not so great, so long yet not one automated coinage merchant to be seen.
Lady Kissy: Look upon that pointing of the brickwork! So precise.
Sir James: Hast thou heard of this, Lady Kissy?
Lady Kissy: There was talk of some foreigners building something... men with great wagons full of bricks... guards keeping people away... so, no, I have heard nothing.
Sir James: Hmmm...
Lady Kissy: Look, Sir James, a gate in ye wall. It has a sign in a language I know not.
Sir James: 'Tis in German, and it says “Keep Out Of Ye Garden Under Pain Of Death. Signed Dr. G. Shatterhand”. Now, why would one have a warning sign in German outside of a garden in Japan? 'Tis almost as if they wanted people to come in.
Lady Kissy: Mayhap we should turn back, methinks.
Sir James: Nay, let us go round ye outer wall and keep climbing.
(As they circle ye wall, Sir James peeks in through a small hole to see a formally dressed man say a prayer then walk into a boiling hot geyser to his death.)
Sir James: Hmmm...
Lady Kissy: What is it? What dost thee see?
Sir James: (Not wanting to worry the lady.) Oh, ‘tis nothing...
(They reach the top of ye volcano and look down.)
Sir James: Ye lake at the bottom- ‘tis naught but a painting! This must be ye place. Lady Kissy, I prithee, take a message to ye Tiger Prince. Tell him, I'm at the Ash Rim, about to go down. Send more men as there'll be plenty of action. Have you got that?
Lady Kissy: Aye: Ash Rim, about to go down, send more men as there'll be plenty of action. I shall pass it on to Lady Caress, who will then pass it on, ‘twill be much quicker- but do be careful, Sir James!
Sir James: Worry ye not, I am as sure-footed as a mountain goat.
(Lady Kissy exits down ye volcano. Sir James looks further in, trips, and tumbles to ye bottom where he ist captured by several armed men.)
Sir James: Whoops....

(Later in ye Chamber of ye Tiger Prince, a young maiden arrives to impart her message.)
Tiger Prince: Impart unto me thine message....
Tiger Prince's Yeoman: Quickly, fair maiden!
Lady Snogg: Lady Caress says that Sir James is going down, ass rimming, needs more men for lots of action!
Tiger Prince: So Sir James hath found the volcano and ye lair of his prey- we leave at once, prepare our equipment and supplies!
Tiger Prince's Yeoman: But how didst thee understand that message, Prince?
Tiger Prince: 'Tis nothing, I've used these maidens before.

Act 7, Scene 4. A villain’s lair. In a chamber full of scribes with abacus, parchments and quills. On a throne surrounded by his underlings in shadow sits the Comte de Blofeld.....)

Guard: Wait here, Albion spy.
Sir James: Dost I need an appointment?
Guard: Nay, today ist a visitor tour day. The Comte is almost finished.
Comte : ...and that be’eth about it. Please leave via the marked exit through ye gift shoppe. There be’eth some nice T-shirts and T-towels, and in fact tea, so please no more etchings. Farewell.
(Ye crowd doth exit, leaving Hans standing between Sir James and ye Comte.)
Comte: Hans, move thine posterior, I cannot see our guest!
(Hans moves over to where Osato stands.)
Osato: AHH!!! Hans, you great German oaf, you've stood on my foot! Get away!
(Hans takes a step backwards and stands on the Comte's cat.)

Pussy: "MEOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!"
Comte: HANS!!
Hans: Sorry, mein Comte. (Again stepping back, stepping on Osato again.)
Osato: Forsooth, how dare you sir, how very dare you! My bunion! (Pushing him off his foot.)
Sir James: Wouldst thee like me to call back another time?
Comte: Sir James Bond, thou doth live still.
Sir James: Aye, in mine second life I be.
Comte: Thou shalt live only twice, Sir James.
Sir James: Or so it seems- one life for thineself, and one for thine dreams.
Osato: A dream no more, soon a reality!
Comte: Osato, 'twould seem thine attempts have failed... again. All I ask is one little thing, “Kill Naught Naught Seven”. 'Tis a modest request is it not, Hans?
Hans: Aye, Comte.
Osato: (Mumbles.) Er... well... with my bunion, I....
Comte: SILENCE!! Enough of foot related excuses.
(Ye Comte stands and moves forward to address Sir James.)
Comte: Allow myself to introduce...myself. I am the Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Of that I have much doubt.
Comte: When mine title ist recognised thou shalt understand.
Sir James: That will never happen.
Comte: Well, it may happen to another fellow. I bid thee, come witness my infernal scheme! Great weapons I have stolen both from ye land of the Tsars and from the colonies across the sea. They shall be fired upon each other and a war shalt be started.
Sir James: But for now, tobacco I doth crave.
Comte: This boon I shall grant, though thine death be soon upon thee. Hans here is the one to see about some rough shag, or perhaps you like it ready rubbed? Either way dost not matter.
(Hans places Sir James's pipe and a small lighted candle beside him.)
Sir James: (Between puffs, on lighting his pipe.) So ye intend to create a war, for treasure?
Comte: More than you could possibly imagine.
Sir James: And nothing can stop that now, I take it?
Comte: Aye, the only possible danger is that suspiciously convenient lever to your right which opens sections of the great wall surrounding this lair, allowing lots of attacking yeomen an easy entry.
Sir James: Interesting... (Suddenly his pipe begins to sparkle and hiss, at which he slides it across ye floor.) .... Miniature cannon ball, you should get a blast out of it.
(Ye pipe explodes as Sir James operates ye lever, letting tens of ye Tiger Prince's men inside along with ye Prince and Lady Kissy. Much fighting ensues. Ye Comte's cat ist terrified.)
Comte: Hans, Osato, take Sir James with us (Aside.) to my secret, secret lair (Aloud.) through here.
(In a secret chamber ye Comte produces a short sword.)
Comte: This be’eth ye price for failure, Sir James.... (Ye Comte quickly dispatches Hans!)
Hans: (Bewildered.) Mein Comte???(Dies.)
Comte: I be’eth an animal lover- no one steps on my pussy and gets away with it.
Osato: Ye gads- verily, I did think that I wouldst be the one punished.
Comte: Yes, that reminds me- (Osato ist also stabbed.)
Osato: But why, my Comte? (Dies.)
Comte: I'm an equal opportunities villain: ‘twouldn't look good to the rest of ye men if I showed favouritism. Hmm, where did mine cat go to...?
Sir James: 'Twas here a moment ago.
Comte: And now you, Sir James, will feel the length of my shaft in you....
Sir James: (Raising an eyebrow.) Well, enjoy yourself.
Comte: NO! NO! No more sexual innuendos. Goodbye, Sir James .
(Suddenly a dagger from the hand of ye Tiger Prince flies through the air, knocking ye sword from ye Comte's hand. He turns and runs away.)
Comte: (Exiting.) ‘Tis time for a Great Escape!
(Enter ye Tiger Prince, accompanied by Lady Kissy and his men.)
Sir James: I thank ye, Tiger Prince, but I must follow him- ‘twill be bedlam....
(Sir James pursues ye Comte.)
Comte: Why doth this keep happening to me, I plan and scheme, offer great employment conditions but.... ‘tis true, bad things happen to good people. I must head to the Garden of Death to make my escape, just through this door...
Sir James: Not so fast, Comte!
(Sir James pushes him into ye garden, and they doth fight.)
Comte: Damn you, damn you, I've only just watered and seeded this lawn!
Sir James: I thought you'd wet your plants.
(Sir James reaches for some large fruit from an area marked as Helga's Garden to beat ye Comte about the head.)
Comte: No, not Helga's large melons!
Sir James: ...and to finish, why not give peas a chance.......
(Sir James doth pour hundreds of peas into ye Comte's throat, until he expires, then reaches for a rose to drop on the corpse.) ......... a prick by any other name.
Tiger Prince: He looks "Beet", Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, he shouldst be soon pushing up the daisies.
(They run off. Sir James finds Lady Kissy and they head for the shore.)
Sir James: To this boat thou must swim with me, Lady Kissy.
Lady Kissy: Oh, Sir James!
Sir James: Um! I may just retire here.
Lady Kissy: But they'd never let you. How wouldst Albion survive without you?
Sir James: True, but they wouldst never find us.
(They embrace. A shadow passes over ye little boat, as a large ship anchors above them, its flag displaying the insignia "Sir Miles's Passion Wagon: if a rocking.... we're probably in a storm". )
Sir Miles: Please welcome Naught Naught Seven aboard, fairest Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: Aye, Aye Sir. ‘Twould be a pleasure.

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Thunderpussy, Barbel Thanks to Charmed & Dangerous for his help with Act 4, Scene 1

Barbel · February 2016

IN SERVICE OF HER MAJESTY, MOST DISCREETLY

Act 1, Scene 1. A beach. From his carriage, Sir James observes a most comely wench run into ye water.

Sir James: ‘Tis a damsel in distress, I must make haste!
(Sir James doth quickly strip down to his red short swimming hose, and runs "slowly" into ye water, emerging with ye maiden in his arms.)
https://youtu.be/PldT2jq7ApM
Contessa Theresa: Thou hast rescued me from death- how may I call thee, good sir?
Sir James: G'day- I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Contessa Theresa: (Doubtful.) Be thou certain of this?
Sir James: Truly, I am, Sheila.
(Enter two varlets with knives.)
1st Varlet: Come with us, Sir James.
(They move to a small boat.)
1st Varlet: Lie down!
Sir James: Wait... there’s no wench here... unaccustomed I am to lying down unaccompanied, how doth it work?
(Sir James lies down and ye varlet aims and throws his dagger. As the dagger speeds through the air, Sir James heaves ye boat’s anchor and, with a mighty roar of “Waaay!” flings it at the varlet’s head.)
Sir James: Verily thou shouldst ne’er let a former naval commander ‘weigh!’ an anchor.
(They struggle, and Sir James flings the second varlet into a net.)
Sir James: Hmm, unusually large thou art for a Nymphoris Polychlorus.
(Exit Contessa Theresa in ye carriage of Sir James. The carriage swerves and narrowly misses a man studying his timepiece.)
Sir James: Hey, watch out for that man in green trainers!
Contessa Theresa: Sorry, Sir James!
(She quickly puts the carriage in reverse. Slowly the horses back up, and on the fourteenth attempt, ye Contessa hits the man.)
Sir James: (Aside.) Good girl.......! Verily, to the other fellow this did not happen.

Intermission. Maidens pose with a flag and crown. No-one sings, most wondrous music doth play.

Act 2, Scene 1. A hotel.

Steward: How may I be of service, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Steward: (Doubtful.) Thou art sure of this?
Sir James: Most verily I am, cobber.
Steward: Hmmm... okay.
Sir James: Mine customary rooms I doth require, and apace.
Steward: Thine needs we will endeavour to satisfy.
Sir James: Perhaps some shrimp and a barbie, and some Fosters mead?
Steward: An excellent choice!
Sir James: Yon white carriage outside- it seems more fitting for a lady.
Steward: You know a lot about carriages?
Sir James: Nay, I know a little about ladies. And also that it be parked in ye lobby!
Steward: 'Tis ye carriage of ye Contessa Theresa Emmapeela- most charming, most charming.
Sir James: Verily, I canst tell. A pair of green trainers are embedded in ye rear of you carriage.
Steward: Aye, sir. Contessa Theresa Emmapeela ist staying at the inn, and stabled nearby is her trusty steed- named John, I believe.

(Later, in ye casino.)

Contessa Theresa: To gamble is mine desire, yet gold I have none.
Sir James: Thine debts I shall make good, Contessa.
(Ye Contessa flounces off. Sir James pays the croupier some money and follows her to the bar.)
Steward: A drink, sir?
Sir James: I willst have mead- let it shaken be but not stirred.
Contessa Theresa: In rescuing me thou doth persist, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, Contessa Theresa.
Contessa Theresa: I am named for a saint, yet no saint am I.
Sir James: Nor I... not yet, anyway. How art thee known to thine friends?
Contessa Theresa: Thou may call me “Tracy”, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith, Tracy. In which bedchamber doth thou sleep?
Contessa Theresa: Hmm, in truth thou art most definitely he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sir James: Nothing more, nothing less.
Contessa Theresa: Come to mine chambers in five minutes- thou will find me in room Number 24.
(Exit ye Contessa. Sir James waits five minutes then goes to room Number 24.)
Sir James: (Entering.) Tracy?
(Alas, no fair lady ist there and Sir James ist assailed by a large formidable man. They do battle, Sir James breaking ye man’s nose before knocking him unconscious. Sir James makes to leave ye chambers but notices a tray by the door.)
Sir James: Hmm, deep-fried Mars bars- from north of ye Clyde!
(He helps himself to one as he leaves, and returns to his own chambers only to find ye Contessa waiting there.)
Sir James: Full of surprises thou art!
Contessa Theresa: No more than thee, Sir James.
(They embrace. After a discreet interval, Sir James awakes to find himself alone.)

Act 2 Scene 3. A hotel.

(The next morning, Sir James is accosted by some familiar-looking varlets.)

1st Varlet: Sir James, thou shalt ride with us at once.
Sir James: Sorry, thou art not my type.
2nd Varlet: (Displaying a dagger.) Into our carriage, apace.
Sir James: Hmm, I see your point.
(Sir James ist led to their carriage outside ye hotel.)
1st Varlet: In ye back shalt thou be seated, Sir James.
2nd Varlet: 'Tis a lot smoother ride in ye back, Sir James.
Sir James: Verily, in ye back shall I sit.
(Sir James enters ye carriage.)
2nd Varlet: Hast thee a brother, Sir James? A brother have I.
(Ye 1st Varlet rolls his eyes.)
Sir James: Nay, and most definitely no foster brother either.
(They set off, ye 3rd Varlet driving.)
1st Varlet: Watch out for yon man with green trai... (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Sir James: No matter. To where art we headed?
(There ist no reply.)
Sir James: Um, a mystery tour then?
1st Varlet: Aye, 'tis a magical mystery tour. I shalt be John, Chi-Chi here ist Paul, and this ist Ringo.
Sir James: Then I would have to be... oh, right. Hast thee brought any sandwiches??
1st Varlet: Thou shalt remain sandwiched between Chi-Chi and myself. Now, remain silent.
Sir James: But of course.

Act 2, Scene 3. A place of business.

Prince Draco: I am ye father of Tracy, ye Contessa Theresa. I seek he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sir James: And here I stand.
Prince Draco: (Doubtful.) Hmm, art thou convinced of this?
Sir James: (Resignedly.) Verily, I am he. Truly.
Prince Draco: I am Prince Marc-Ange Draco, head of ye biggest crime syndicate in Europe.
Sir James: You run FIFA???
Prince Draco: ....second biggest then. I am ye head of the Union Corse.
Sir James: Ah, where Jim Davidson gets his jokes from.
Prince Draco: Nay, that would be the Union Coarse. Sup with me, Sir James. perhaps some XXXX or Fosters?
Sir James: I prefer mead- stir it not, though shaken it may be.
Prince Draco: It is my wish that thou shouldst take my daughter to wife. A dowry of one million pieces of gold shalt be thine.
Sir James: Nay, this sum I need not.
Prince Draco: I shalt buy thee an elephant for thine room!
Sir James: I thank'ee, most kind!
Prince Draco: Do not mention it...
Sir James: Mayhap, however, thee wouldst know where the Comte de Blofeld can be found?
Prince Draco: To a discreet servant of Her Majesty I would not speak though to mine kinsman I might. Next week ist mine birthday, and each year on this day mine daughter visits me. Come join us, for we make merry sport. Tracy and some of mine varlets... ahem, mine lords... shalt be sporting with bulls in a ring.
Sir James: How canst I turn down such an offer, sport?

Act 3, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy. Maid Moneypenny sits at her desk. The door opens and, from off, a cap doth spin across the chamber to land upon a cap stand.

Maid Moneypenny: Sir James! A nice new cap thou hast.
Sir James: (Off.) In truth, Maid Moneypenny, doth thee likest the corks which artfully hang from its brim? I sewed them myself.
(Sir James enters Moneypenny's office and pinches her posterior.).
Maid Moneypenny: Ow! Same old Sir James... only more sew.

Sir James: Greetings, mine liege, thou did send for me?
Sir Miles: Of thine task thou art relieved, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Nay, sire, to seek the Comte de Blofeld ist mine dearest desire.
Sir Miles: He cannot be found, and thou art commanded to cease forthwith.
Sir James: Hath thee lost faith in mine abilities?
Sir Miles: Nay, but thine unique skills art useless unless a target can be found.
Sir James: ‘Struth, cobber! Fair suck of the sav.
Sir Miles: Begone, Naught Naught Seven.

(Sir James opens a tankard of Fosters mead and imbibes.)
Sir James: Maid Moneypenny, I doth command thee to scribe mine resignation to that, that... wombat of a drongo in there!
Maid Moneypenny: Nay, Sir James, days of leisure shall be thine.
Sir James: Thee means "pull a sickie?" Fair dinkum!
(Maid Moneypenny looks confused.)
Sir James: Maid Moneypenny, without thee, I know not what I would do... But thee couldn't walk afterwards! (Winks.) Ripper...
(Exit Sir James.)
Sir Miles: Maid Moneypenny, without thee, I know not what I would do.

Act 3, Scene 2. Ye birthday celebrations of Prince Draco. Contessa Theresa arrives and ist greeted by Olympe, Prince Draco's consort.

Olympe: 'Tis good thou art here, Tracy, thine father will be happy to see thee. Where art thee parked?
Contessa Theresa: Um? .....it was very wet .....and deep?
Olympe: Ah yes, the moat!
Contessa Theresa: I didst notice a familiar carriage outside, fashioned by ye DB5th Earl of Aston and ye Viscount Martin- perchance ist Sir James Bond here?
Olympe: Why yes, he ist with thine father. He's showing him a special stick, it comes back when you throw it away!
Contessa Theresa: Amazing what these old wizards can do these days.
Olympe: Aye, ‘tis true.
Contessa Theresa: Hmm, I suspect mine father ist up to something- Olympe, thou must tell me all!
Olympe: Why, nay.
Contessa Theresa: Come with me.......

Prince Draco: Ah, Sir James, most pleased am I to see you! Would thee like something to eat? We have fried bacon, fried sausages, fried eggs, fried tomatoes...
Sir James: A bit of everything, please, I'm a big fry spy guy.
Prince Draco: I am sure that Tracy willst be here soon. Come, let us watch ye bullfighting.
Sir James: Nay, I have seen that before. 'Tis yesterday's moos.
Prince Draco: And it would give you deja moo?
Sir James: I have no beef with that.
Prince Draco: I breed bulls here- the best, the most ferocious, they know when it's feeding time. (Prince Draco throws a handful of hay into ye ring, a school of bulls swarm around forming a feeding frenzy.) They can strip a man to the bones in minutes, and smell a handful of hay from half a mile away, These of course hath been trained.
Sir James: What about a barbecue ?
Prince Draco: No good, they cannot hold the utensils in their hooves- but come, ye first fight is about to begin. You should find this interesting, we art trying something new!
(They move to the main ring, where the rest of the guests have gathered......)
Sir James: Why ist that bull on stilts?
Prince Draco: The steaks hath been raised with that one.
Sir James: And that hyper bull?
Prince Draco: From the Tsar of Russia.
Sir James: Ah! Red Bull.
Prince Draco: Please take this present, a special quill with a little bull on it.
Sir James: Ah, a Bull Pen.
Prince Draco: I'll admit it's not a stick that comes back, but ‘twas short notice.
(Enter Contessa Theresa and Olympe. Olympe has a black eye.)
Prince Draco: Tracy, how glad am I to see thee! Look who ist here.
Sir James: I bid thee greetings, Tracy.
Contessa Theresa: Drop dead, scumbag.
Prince Draco: Ah, she likes you! I have been told by a local devil worshipper that Tracy ist deeply in love with thee.
Sir James: Thou must give me the name of thine occultist.
Prince Draco: Dennis Wheatley be his name.
Contessa Theresa: Olympe hast told me all, mine father. I demand that thee tell Sir James what he wishes to know.
Prince Draco: But Tracy...
Contessa Theresa: Tell him!
Prince Draco: (Resignedly.) Sir James... ye lottery numbers for Saturday will be 1, 7, 24...
Contessa Theresa: Not that!
Prince Draco: Okay, okay- ye Comte de Blofeld hast been corresponding with a Swiss lawyer called Gumbold. Thou should make enquiries there.
Sir James: Hmm, Gumbold...
Contessa Theresa: And now, Sir James, thou may go! Thou hast what thou wants!
(Ye Contessa stomps off, hastily followed by Sir James.)
Sir James: Thou art mistaken, Tracy. 'Tis thee that I want.
(They kiss and make up. A famed trumpeter sings.)

Act 3, Scene 3. Sir James alights from a carriage, as Prince Draco and Contessa Theresa drive on.

Contessa Theresa: What couldst be better than being in love ?
Prince Draco: Sir James ist in love with thee?
Contessa Theresa: Perhaps, but even friends with benefits willst do for now.

(In the office of Lawyer Gumbold, Sir James signals rom ye window to an emissary of Albion who doth with use of block and tackle deposit a large case, which Sir James opens....)
Sir James: G'day mate! If it isn't Paddy O’Doors, ye famous leprechaun burglar.
Paddy: I be happy to work with thee again, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, and #metoo. Make haste, we must be quick.
Paddy: This be an deadlock strong box, ‘twill take me no time at all.
(Sir James waits, looking through some parchments in the chamber, and finding some saucy lithograph prints of scantily clad maidens as the dwarf works on opening ye strong box.)
Paddy: We're in, Sir James.
Sir James: Good work, now quickly scribe these interesting looking parchments.
(Ye dwarf quickly scribes ye parchments for Sir James.)
Sir James: Now place them back and lock it again, we must make haste! Then back in the box.
Paddy: I don't wanna go back in the box.
Sir James: You gotta go back in the box.
Paddy: I don't wanna....
(Sir James forces ye dwarf into the box and sends it quickly down via ye block and tackle.)
Sir James: Well, he made short work of that. (Exits.)

Act 4, Scene 1. The College Of Arms.

Sir Hilary: I must impart to thee that the Comte de Blofeld doth command my services.
Sir James: Then in thine stead I must proceed.
Sir Hilary: Most surely. Thou canst borrow mine name, mine garments, and mine voice.
Sir James: Thine voice?
Sir Hilary: ....I think it would be best. Thou must go to Switzerland to meet the Comte. Do ye like Switzerland?
Sir James: Well, their flag is a big plus.

Act 4, Scene 2.Sir James arrives at ye country estate of Sir Miles, Quartergill, and ist greeted by ye butler, Hammond.

Hammond: ‘Tis good to see ye, Sir James. How long is it now?
Sir James: Almost five inches!
Hammond: Verily ‘tis much longer, ‘tis a fine thick shaft as well.
Sir James: Aye- mine Highland dirk is a fine blade.
Hammond: I shalt take ye to the Admiral. Walk this way.
Sir James: If I could walk that way-
Hammond: Behave, now.
(Hammond takes Sir James to ye private chamber of Sir Miles, where he ist examining a small painting.)
Sir James: Unusually small for a Nymph's phallus and Polly curious?
Sir Miles: I didn't know your expertise extended unto Nymph and Parrot etchings, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Aye, and I recently found an interesting example. (Sir James doth produce a parchment.)
Sir Miles: A scantily clad young maiden, eh?
Sir James: I did think it would add to your collection of, er, ART and specialist gentlemen's literature.
Sir Miles: Thank ye, Sir James.
Sir Miles: It would look good beside thine fine portrait of Dame Judi, after her tennis game as she walks away from the artist scratching her bottom, but unaware she hath not properly put on her under garments.

Sir Miles: ‘Tis a classic!
(Sir Miles places ye parchment on his desk.)
Sir Miles: Anyway, I did think that thou were enjoying days of leisure. What brings thee here?
Sir James: Mine liege, new information I do have about ye whereabouts of the Comte de Blofeld- parchments found in ye offices of a lawyer called Gumbold, from ye Comte to ye College of Arms.
Sir Miles: Thou wert relieved of that case, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Aye, sire, ‘tis true, but I now know where he can be found. He ist in Switzerland, on a mountain named Pizza Gloria.
Sir Miles: Hmm, good work. Thou can pursue this lead forthwith.

Act 4, Scene 3. Sir James arrives in Switzerland, disguised as Sir Hilary Bray, and is greeted by ye baggy or swollen parts of a sail. On closer inspection, he realises it is a woman holding a card with "Sir Hilary Bray" written on it.

Sir James: (In Sir Hilary's voice.) Greetings, thou art looking for me?
Fraulein Irma: Gott zum Gruße Sir Hilary, ich apportiere Sie zum Grafen.
Sir James: (Not a clue.) ...um, aye...
Fraulein Irma: Waren Sie zuvorderst im Gebirge?
Sir James: ...er, nay... ?:)
(She leads Sir James to a sleigh and beckons him in.)
Fraulein Irma: Setzen Sie sich, bitte, Sir Hilary.
Sir James: (Guessing correctly that he ist to sit down.) But of course.
Fraulein Irma: Gunther, zum Pizza Gloria und schnell!
Gunther: Ja, mein Fraulein.
Fraulein Irma: Und Pass auf diesen Mann mit grünen Schuhen auf! (Schlag.) Zu spät.
Gunther: Entschuldigung, mein Fraulein.
Fraulein Irma: Vergiss es. Sprichst du Deutsch, Sir Hilary?
Sir James: (Smiles.) It's about a quarter past ten, I think.
Fraulein Irma: I asked, do you speak German?
Sir James: I know a little German- wears green trainers and is obsessed with time.
Fraulein Irma: French perhaps?
Sir James: Non, but I do kiss that way.
Fraulein Irma: Then I shall address you in English.
Sir James: (Looking even more confused.) My voice sounds a little strange today, perhaps ‘tis ye altitude.
Fraulein Irma: This entire alp belongs to the Count, base to the top.
Sir James: Count Basie is here, with the Four Tops?
Fraulein Irma: Nein!!! Please remove your ear muffs.
Sir James: Sorry, dear lady, your accent is rather difficult for me, what with my own being from ye south of Scotland.
Fraulein Irma: How far south?
Sir James: About three thousand miles south.
(They arrive at a magnificent castle castle on top of ye berg.)
Sir James: I shalt be glad to have mine feet upon ye ground.
(Sir James alights from ye sleigh and immediately slips.)
Sir James: 'Strewth- I mean, oh dear!
Fraulein Irma: Not ground- ice!
Sir James: What a magnificent castle.
Fraulein Irma: It ist ye home of ye Comte de Blofeld.
(They enter the heavily guarded main vestibule.)
Sir James: I must warn you, Fraulein, all these armed muscular men make me feel......
Fraulein Irma: Sexually aroused, willing to give yourself up for nights of passion and wild abandon?
Sir James: ...I was going to say nervous.
Fraulein Irma: Oh! ...just me then. Ye guards are needed, for there are many bandits in the mountains. They look for goats to steal and force tourists to listen to their close harmony yodelling- look over there, what do you see?
Sir James: High on a hill stands a lonely goatherd, loud is the voice of the lonely goatherd singing lay-ee-odl-ay-ee-odl-oo...... Aye, I can hear how that could get irritating, the hills being alive with the sound of music.
Fraulein Irma: But not for long- GUNTHER!!!
(Herr Gunther fires his crossbow and the goatherd falls silent.)
Fraulein Irma: Follow me Sir Hilary, I shall show thee your chamber. Gunther willst carry thine bags.
(They walk along many hallways until they reach a door labelled "007".)
Fraulein Irma: In here Sir Hilary, I hope you approve.
Sir James: Aye, I will give it a good review on AirBnB.
Fraulein Irma: I hath picked and placed all the decorations. I hath placed the rugs and hung the pictures. Like that of the great Count.... he is well hung, no?
Sir James: Sorry Fraulein, you probably know him better than I.
Fraulein Irma: You must ring this little bell if you wish to leave as the door will be locked at all times.
(Sir James ist unconcerned, having seen ye latch and knowing it could be easily unlocked.)
Sir James: Thank you, dear lady.
Fraulein Irma: Please dine with me tonight, Sir Hilary, I shall order you something special.
Sir James: ‘Twill be mine pleasure.

(Later, Sir James in full Highland dress ist shown to a luxurious dining area where many most beautiful young maidens art seated.)

1st Maiden: (Scandinavian accent.) Greetings, good sir, how may I call thee?

Sir James: I am he who is called B... er, Bray, Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet.
2nd Maiden: (Southern English accent.) Ah, hence thou ist an inferior Baron?

Sir James: ‘Tis an accurate summation. From Scotland I doth hail.
3rd Maiden: (Northern English accent.) With that accent????!!

Sir James: (Aside.) Most verily, to the other fellow THIS did not happen.
Fraulein Irma: Come, maidens, ‘tis time for dining. Sir Hilary please, sit here. I have ordered you Pizza Pizza Gloria.
Sir James: Sounds wonderful, but I am not terribly hungry- may I just have a piece of Pizza Pizza Gloria?
Fraulein Irma: Of course.
(Sir James watches with interest as ye maidens receive their meals.)
Southern English Maiden: Mmm, delicious!
Sir James: Thine meal looks most interesting.
Southern English Maiden: ‘Tis ye new vegetable Sir Walter Raleigh did bring back from ye colonies across the sea- potatoes! They can be boiled or mashed or fried or chipped or baked, and I have some of each!
Sir James: Mine meal ist very tasty, too- truly scrumptious...
Southern English Maiden: May I have a piece of your piece of Pizza Pizza Gloria? It looks absolutely fabulous.
Sir James: But of course.
Southern English Maiden: I thank'ee.
Scandinavian Maiden: May I have a piece of your piece of Sir James' piece of Pizza Pizza Gloria?
Southern English Maiden: Of course.
Sir James: And what do you have there, fair maiden?
Scandinavian Maiden: Ah, this is most delicious smalahove, which I now love. I used to be allergic to it, which ist a crippling affliction in Norway. I have been working my way through ye different varieties- this ist Number 24.
Northern English Maiden: For me, ‘tis chicken. Strange, ne'er did I like it till I came here.
Sir James: And what ist thine name?
Northern English Maiden: I be called Ruby, Ruby Ba-
Fraulein Irma: No last names here, bitte! It is the rule of ye Count!
Sir James: But of course.
(Ruby reaches under Sir James' kilt and writes her room number on his leg with a piece of woad. Sir James sits back in his chair, a strange expression on his face.)
Fraulein Irma: Ist anything ye matter, Sir Hilary?
Sir James: 'Tis just a slight stiffening coming on.
Fraulein Irma: Can I offer some relief?
Sir James: Nay, I do think that ist already in hand.
(Sir James surreptitiously makes mental note of what he can judge about ye maidens. One ist from Australia, one from India, one from Japan, one from Scandinavia, one from Germany. There is one each from Scotland, Ireland and Wales. There is one from NW England, one from NE England, one from SE England, one from SW England, one from ye middle of England but slightly to the east, one from ye middle of England but slightly to the west, and so on- Sir James begins to suspect the BBC of being involved.)
Fraulein Irma: And now, Sir Hilary, 'tis time for the Count.
Sir James: Certainly! 1,2,3.... there are twenty-five of them, aren't there?
Fraulein Irma: What a quick study thou art. Gunther, take Sir Hilary to ye Comte.
(Sir James gets up from ye table and follows Gunther, unaware that his kilt has got tucked into his belt, much to ye maidens' amusement.)
Southern English Maiden: Mmm... bezants!

Act 4, Scene 4. Ye study of ye Comte de Blofeld. A dark chamber, with shadows cast on its walls. Sir James quickly looks around at the tapestries and parchments on ye desk.

Sir James: Hmmm... designs for an alchemist's secret laboratory, housed in a volcano... some periodicals for pampered Persian pussies.... "How To Be A Count"... letter from Baron Largo... tickets to Las Vegas... a motivational pamphlet on getting ye best from one's yeomen.... if only there was some evidence.
(From a doorway lit from behind comes a voice....)
Comte: Sir Hilary, most pleased am I to see thee. Welcome to mine castle, I am the Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Forgive me, but that isn't what I am here to find out?
Comte: Only to confirm it! (He crosses to a shelf with body parts in jars.) I feel it in my blood and in my bones, in my knees, my toes and my perineum!
(Sir James believes it to be a trick of the firelight, but the Comte's shadow hadn't moved.)
Comte: Some wine, Sir Hilary?
Sir James: Aye, to be sure. Won’t thee join me?
Comte: I never drink... wine. Lo, please examine these parchments.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis strong evidence but we shalt need much more.
Comte: That ye shalt have in abundance. And also I hath no ear lobes, a smug expression and an overriding sense of self importance, all marks of the aristocracy.
(Ye Comte lights more candles on his desk for a clearer look at Sir James.)
Comte: Hath we met before, Sir Hilary? Thine face ist familiar, like trying to remember a life from a dream.
Sir James: I get’eth that all the time- when young, I didst some modeling for the Bayeux Tapestry. For we couldst never hath met, as you are atop the world whilst I come from a land down under, where women glow and men plunder.
Comte: Very well, it is of no import. Take these parchments and scrolls and begin thine work.
Sir James: You realise that thee may not be the reigning Comte......?
Comte: I most surely be, as I hath killed all...... I mean, I believe that I am the only surviving member of the line. After all those tragic accidents, involving many means of transport with no witnesses.

Act 4, Scene 5. Ye bedchamber of Ruby. Ye door silently opens and Sir James enters to find Ruby in bed.

Ruby: Sir Hilary, thou did find my... little message.
Sir James: Aye, ‘twas an uplifting idea thou did have- a true inspiration.
Ruby: Knowing that thee ist from ye College of Arms, I didst think thou could find out more about me.
Sir James: What a coincidence, for such ist mine plan! (Begins to disrobe.)
Ruby: I was wondering, is anything worn beneath thine kilt?
Sir James: Thou can be ye judge of that! (Drops kilt.)
Ruby: Aye, all looks to be in working order!

(A discreet interval later, as they lie asleep, the sound of a lute ist heard through a vent in a wall.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) ...again, Felix? Well, ok, but this time ‘tis my turn to get on t-
Ruby: Be silent, Sir Hilary, for this ist part of mine treatment.
(Ye lute continues to play, as the voice of ye Comte ist heard singing through the vent.)

Comte: Oh chickens they are beautiful
Chickens they are swell
They are so sweet and pretty
And they taste good as well

They sound so pure and lovely
They’re everything to me
I love tandoori chicken
Or a chicken fricassee!

(Overheard in the vent ist another voice at the end....)
Yeoman: You really do hath a lovely voice, my Comte.
Comte: Nay, for the shower perhaps but.....
Yeoman: Nay my Comte, if Lord Simon of Cowell was't to hear thine voice, he wouldst make a boy band around ye. All the men say’eth so.
Comte: Do they, um! Maybe I should attend their Karaoke night.
Yeoman: You'd win for sure mine leige, your version of "I Willst Always Love Thee", you make’eth that ballad thine own.
Comte: I wast thinking more of doing this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J94-_w9ARX0
Yeoman: Hmm... not so sure about that.

(Sir James sees that Ruby hast fallen into a deep sleep, and he quietly gets up and dresses.)
Sir James: (Exiting.) Give me Louis Armstrong any day...

(Back in his own bedchamber, Sir James prepares to disrobe again.)
German Maiden: Good evening, Sir Hilary.
Sir James: 'Strewth, Sheila! Thou hast just about given me a heart attack!
German Maiden: Oh, I am most sorry. But, Sir Hilary, thine voice sounds different.
Sir James: Oh, er... (Adopts Sir Hilary's voice again.) Ahem, 'twas merely that thou didst startle me, fair maiden. At such times, I use my old regimental accent.
German Maiden: I didst come to ask thee about ye College.
Sir James: I did a course on Media studies and... Oh, you mean the College of Arms.
German Maiden: Truly.
Sir James: Thou coming here was a true inspiration. (Aside.) 'Twill need to be... If you give me one's name, I could see if thee be related to a royal household....
German Maiden: I'll give you my name in the morning, first I'd like to give you one now!

Act 4, Scene 6.Ye battlements of ye castle. Ye maidens make sport on the ice, watched over by Fraulein Irma, as Sir James enters.

Sir James: Good morning, everyone!
Fraulein Irma: Ah, good morning, Sir Hilary- thine stiffness, it ist gone?
Sir James: Oh most definitely, thank you.
Ruby: Come join us, Sir Hilary! We art playing curling. (She doth push her curl across the ice and watch it stop.)
Irish Maiden: You're a foot in front.
Ruby: What did you call me, you Bi'ach???
(Sir James joins ye maidens at their play. He doth notice ye Comte talking to a yeoman surrounded by guards.)
Yeoman: ...but I wast only climbing ye berg!
Comte: ‘Tis private property, thou canst not climb here. I care not what Trip Advisor states! Thou shalt be sent down to ye village below and willst not return.
Yeoman: Ye Mayor shall hear of this, how you treat tourists.
Comte: ‘Tis of no concern- oft ye Mayor and his villagers come up here with torches and pitchforks over one or other of my experiments, I hath grown weary of it.
(Sir James recognises ye yeoman as one Shaun Campbell, in ye employ of Sir Miles, but ist unable to intervene.)
Comte: Take him away, apace!
(Ye guards lead ye yeoman below.)
Sir James: Comte, as I think I can safely say, if you're sending a carriage to ye village I'd like to go. I hath yet to send any postcards or buy a Toblerone.
Comte: No need, there be plenty of Toblerones in our gift shop. And is it not time thee were at work, Sir Hilary?
Sir James: Well, if thou puts it that way.
Comte: Oh, I do put it that way.

Act 4, Scene 7. Ye bedchamber of Ruby. Sir James enters quietly.

Sir James: Oh, Ruby....
(There ist a giggle from ye bed.)
Sir James: Ruby, ‘tis me, Hilly....
(Sir James draws back the cover to reveal ‘tis Fraulein Irma, rather than Ruby.)
Sir James: Aw, shi-
(Sir James falls unconscious in shock, at the awful prospect of being in bed with Fraulein Irma.)

(Later, Sir James lies in ye Comte’s study.)
Sir James: (Mumbling.) ....hold me, Felix. Hold me tight. I have seen things you people would never believe. I have seen...... horrible visions. Don't let go of me, Felix....(Awakes.) ....ah.
Comte: Good evening, Naught Naught Seven.

Sir James: But I am Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet.
Comte de Blofeld: Nay, nay, nay, for through thine disguise of... 8-) glasses... I have seen.
Sir James: Well, it works for Sir Clark of Kent.
Comte: ..and how thee occasionally slips into a fake Antipodean accent.
(Sir James looks hurt.)
Comte: Most truly thou ist not Sir Hilary Bray, since thee has been most occupied with the seduction of young maidens. Also thine climbing colleague hast been most forthright in his announcements of the great Naught Naught Seven!
Sir James: Did'st he really say I was great? That's really nice of him.... er, I mean, I know naught of this Campbell person....... but he will report my whereabouts.
Comte: I think not. Before letting him go. I did make him swear he would'st not tell a soul. Even shook pinkies on it. So NO! help will be forthcoming for ye.
(Sir James looks taken aback at the news.)
Comte: So you see nothing shalt interfere with my plans....... this time!
Sir James: And what art thou up to here, Comte? I did hear thee singing about a friggin' chickasee... er, I mean a chicken fricasee.
Comte: Ye maidens are at Pizza Gloria to treat their allergies, including potatoes and smalahove.
Sir James: And ye chickens?
Comte: Ye chickens art most vital to mine plans, Naught Naught Seven, as are those beautiful maidens whom I have conditioned to speak their own mind and have a say in their lives. Can you imagine? Society would unravel, kingdoms would fall, morals as we know them would disappear.
Sir James: Aye, aye, and ye chickens?
Comte: Pens and paper have been cunningly hidden in the maidens' make-up boxes- in ye hands of a woman they are objects of catholic mass destruction! Ye maidens will recieve a message by a carrier pigeon, and ye trigger will be church bells and cannon fire. I shalt, of course, make sure that none of this kicks in anywhere near myself.
Sir James: I see... and what about ye chickens?
Comte: Ah, that ist my masterstroke! Ye chickens shall enforce the emancipation of women by causing the spread of chickenpox to turn men infertile! And with infected potatoes full of female "Extract" to increase the number of women throughout the world, all will be changed! Unless, of course, I am paid what I ask for.
Sir James: How many pieces of gold doth thou demand, Comte?
Comte de Blofeld: In this I will cause thee much surprise, Sir James. Now my men shalt guide thee to an easily-escapable chamber.

Act 5, Scene 1. An easily-escapable chamber. Sir James ist thrown in by ye Comte’s men.

Comte: This be the workings of the world’s largest Cuckoo Clock, with many cogs. It be very dangerous, so please attire thineself with this hard hat and high viz doublet.
Sir James: Thee hast thought of everything, Comte.
Comte: Ah, time will tell- unlike thine Albion colleague, who ist now just a decoration so willst tell no-one!
(On seeing his colleague hanging outside Sir James lunges at ye Comte.)
Comte: We didn't do that. On letting him go, he slipped on the curling track and fell off the edge. You wouldst not believe the amount of paperwork I have to fill in over that.
Sir James: Mine heart bleeds for thee.
Comte: Enjoy thine new abode, Sir James. I shalt keep ye here in case thou may prove useful later.
Sir James: On that thou should not count, Count.
(Exit ye Comte and his men. Sir James immediately begins looking for ye way out of ye chamber. A thought strikes him, and he begins to carefully climb up ye cogs and through the mechanism, until he reaches ye cuckoo itself. He climbs onto ye giant model bird and waits for the hour to strike....
On ye hour, the doors open and the cuckoo flies out on a spring, making its call. Sir James leaps down...)
Sir James: (Aside.) Time Flies!
( ...and finds himself outside ye castle, at a small hut labelled "Skis".)
Sir James: Well, that's convenient.
(Sir James emerges from ye hut wearing a pair of skis and carrying two Czechs.)
1st Czech: Put us down at once!
(Sir James drops one and he doth bounce back.)
Sir James: I dislike Czechs that bounce but, sorry, my mistake.
(He takes ye two Czechs back into ye hut and emerges with two poles.)
Sir James: Ah, that's better! It be all downhill from here.
(He skis off down Pizza Gloria, but ist quickly spotted and followed by ye Comte's men.)

(In ye castle, ye Comte sits stroking his pussy.)
Gunther: Mein Comte, der Englander ist entkommen!
Comte: What? (Ye Comte leaps to his feet, sending ye white cat flying across the room. It bounces back at him.) I knew you couldn't swing a cat in here. How did this happen?
Gunther: I do not know, sire. I think in the clock tower he had time on his hands!
Comte: (Aside.) Hath anyone done a "time flies" line yet?
Gunther: Aye, mine leige.
Comte: Damn!! Well, I won't quarrel. Fetch my skis! And my cat’s skis too.

(Outside, ye Comte shouts to his men.)
Comte: At all costs he must be caught, alive or dead- all unnecessary violence.... I repeat, all unnecessary violence can be used against Sir James! Now, move, you mother......
Yeoman 1: What did he call us, oooh!! He can be so butch!
Yeoman 2: He's a total bear! And doesn't have any scruples.
Yeoman 1: Oh, I thought it was just earlobes he did not have. Must be how he reaches those high notes singing. I just hope I don't show us up, by skiing into a tree or something.
(All set off, skiing downhill at great speed. Ye Comte's cat follows on tiny white skis, almost invisible against the snow.)
Comte: Watch out for that man in ye green skis! (Thump.)
Gunther: Zu spat, mein Comte.
Comte: Never mind, catch Sir James! He'll be heading for the village, to the precipice we shall head!
Yeoman 2: Precipice? Be that a new night club tavern?
(Yeoman 1 skies into a tree.)

(Sir James skies on as fast as he can, but ye Comte's men are gaining. He almost skies off a precipice, but doth manage to stop in time. Spotting a skier approaching fast, he crouches and hits him with his pole just as ye man ist jumping, causing him to fall from ye precipice.)
Sir James: Tsk, tsk, no head for heights.

(Sir James skies frantically down ye berg, ye Comte's men in hot pursuit. One ist in a sled, pulled by a team of huskies, and gets closer and closer. Sir James reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a piece of a piece of Pizza Pizza Gloria he had been saving for later. He throws it into ye snow, and ye huskies come to a sudden halt to eat, sending ye varlet flying over their heads and straight into a tree.)
Sir James: He had a lot of mutts!

Act 5, Scene 2. A snow-covered village.

(Sir James emerges into ye village, and stumbles towards an ice rink where many are skating. He spots Fraulein Irma and several yeomen approaching, and attempts to hide on a bench. A skater approaches...)
Contessa Theresa: Sir James!
Sir James: Tracy, how didst thee know I was here?
Contessa Theresa: Mine carriage hath navigation built in- homing pigeons guiding the horse. Oh, and mine father did tell me where thou wert.
Sir James: I do hope thee hast thine carriage handy.
Contessa Theresa: But of course, pulled by mine trusty steed John. It be parked over there in ye lobby of that cowbell emporium.
Sir James: Hells Bells! Then let us go there, apace!
(Ye Contessa leads Sir James to her carriage, but they are pursued by Fraulein Irma and her men. They make off, with ye varlets in hot pursuit.)
Sir James: Down that road, I prithee!
(Ye Contessa steers her carriage as Sir James bids, only to find they art in ye midst of a gymkhana. Ye varlets attempt to catch them, but are surrounded by horses doing dressage and are too polite to interrupt, permitting Contessa Theresa and Sir James to make an escape.)

Act 5, Scene 3. Later, outside a snowbound cabin.

Sir James: Yonder cabin looks safe, Tracy- here we should rest.
Contessa Theresa: Aye, good idea.
(They enter ye cabin and lie down for ye night.)
Sir James: First, I have to drop the harness......
Contessa Theresa: There be'est a privy out back, methinks.
Sir James: .... and rub down the horse.
Contessa Theresa: Thou must impart to me what occurred on yon berg, Sir James.
Sir James: Nay, I am yet in the service of Her Majesty, most discreetly.
Contessa Theresa: Though at this moment thou canst not follow such service?
Sir James: 'Tis true. Tracy, a lady such as thee I shall never find again. I wouldst have thine hand.
Contessa Theresa: Really James, there be'eth no one about, thee can have much more than just mine hand!
Sir James: Pardon m'lady, I speak of nuptials.
Contessa Theresa: Aye, thine nuptials will be in safe hands. I'll warm'eth them up. (She rubs her hands together.)
Sir James: Nay.... I want thee for mine wife.
Contessa Theresa: A fine time to tell me you're married Sir James!!
Sir James: Nay ...willst thou be mine wife?
Contessa Theresa: That I will, though thou must refrain from the eating of garlic.
Sir James: Fair enough. Verily, I shalt stick to the condiments of the season.
(They embrace, and after a discreet interval ye Comte de Blofeld and his men burst into ye cabin only to find it empty.)
Gunther: There, mein Comte, I see them skiing away.
Comte: After them!
(Sir James and Contessa Theresa ski through ye snow, with ye Comte de Blofeld and his men pursuing, the white cat puffing and panting behind on her tiny skis.)
Comte: Halt! I hath an idea!
(Ye Comte pulls a megaphone from his pocket and begins to sing.)
Comte: For I-ee-I-ee-I willst always love thee..
1st Yeoman: Oh, 'tis beautiful, mine liege!
Comte: (Aside.) Shh! (Sings.) Oh, I-ee-I-ee-I...
(Ye vibrations cause an avalanche to start, burying Sir James and ye Contessa.)
Comte: After them!
(Sir James manages to pull himself from ye snow in time to see Contessa Theresa being dragged away.)

Act 5, Scene 2. Ye throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Sir Miles: We have received notification of ye Comte de Blofeld’s demands. He doth wish absolution for all his previous misdeeds, recognition of his title, free parking at all major events, and final say on ye casting of Bond25.
Sir James: The fiend! Er... hast he said who will be composing ye score?
Sir Miles: Ssh! If we do not concede, then he willst unleash his plan using ye maidens, potatoes and chickens.
Sir James: We must fowl his intentions, or we will have had our chips. Mine liege, allow me to launch an attack upon his castle and-
Sir Miles: Nay, Naught Naught Seven, his castle ist in Switzerland and ye Swiss will turn red and be very cross.
Sir James: But, mine liege-
Sir Miles: ‘Tis a direct order from ye government, alas mine hands are tied. We shalt, of course, attempt to watch for all those maidens arriving. Now, where didst thou say they were from, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: One from India, one from Australia, one from Scandinavia, one from Japan, one from Germany. One each from Ireland, Wales and Scotland. One from NW England, one from NE England, one from SW England, one from SE England, one from slightly to ye west of ye middle of England, one from slightly to ye east of ye middle of England, one from NW London, one from NE London, one from SW London, one from SE London, one from slightly to ye west of ye middle of London, one from slightly to ye east of ye middle of London, one from ye upper middle of London, one from ye lower middle of London, one from Essex, one from Middlesex, one from Sussex.
Sir Miles: Hmm, the entire globe!
Sir James: Well, according to ye BBC anyway.
Sir Miles: Old Wizard, dost thee think ye Comte’s plan wouldst succeed?
Old Wizard: Aye, ‘tis possible. He must have created a mutant strain of chickenpox, crossing it with ye mumps. Oh well, no more potatoes and chicken for me- I shalt have to eat pig! Fortunately I am very fond of ye Chinese speciality, char siu.
Sir James: Char siu? Thou must be jesting!
Old Wizard: I ne’er jest about my pork, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir Miles: Thou should try and rest, Naught Naught Seven, officially we can do nothing.
Sir James: Hmm....

Act 5, Scene 3. Sir James sits in a sleigh with Prince Draco and his men, heading up Pizza Gloria. More sleighs full of Prince Draco’s men follow.

Prince Draco: But art thou sure Tracy ist here, Sir James?
Sir James: Most sure, for where else could she be?
(An arrow hits their sleigh.)
Chi-Chi: Mine prince, ‘tis a message tied to an arrow.
Prince Draco: Read it!
Chi-Chi: (Reading.) “Made by ye Swiss Arrow Company.”
Prince Draco: Not ye arrow, ye message!
Chi-Chi: Oh. (Reading.) “Turn ye back at once. Thou art on private property. Have a nice day.”
Prince Draco: Prepare an arrow to send back. Tell them “Special delivery for thine neighbour on ye next berg, wouldst thee sign for it please. Draco Deliveries.”

(In ye castle.)
Comte: Thou may as well enjoy thine captivity, Contessa. Let me sing to thee!
Contessa Theresa: ‘Twill not be long before I am rescued from thine clutches.
Comte: Sir James would ne’er dare to return here.
(Enter Gunther.)
Gunther: Mein Comte, ye intruders have replied to the arrow we sent them.
Comte: What do they say?
Gunther: (Reading.) “Special delivery for thine neighbour on ye next berg, wouldst thee sign for it please. Draco Deliveries.”
(Ye Contessa looks up.)
Comte: Again? They are never home, I am fed up always having to sign for their deliveries! They do seem to order often from Brazil.
Gunther: Brazil?
Comte: Aye, ye label says something about ye Amazon.
Contessa Theresa: Comte de Blofeld, most desirous I am to see ye dawn from the top of thine castle. Wouldst thee take me there?
Comte: But of course.
(Ye Comte leads ye Contessa up to the battlements.)
Contessa: Thy dawn, oh Master of the World.
Comte: You think so? Oh, thou art too kind. Ah, here comes yon delivery- over here, over here.
Prince Draco: Here ist thine delivery, Comte de Blofeld!
(Prince Draco and his men leap from their sleighs and attack. Sir James slides on his stomach towards ye Comte, who promptly runs off with Sir James in pursuit.)
Contessa Theresa: James, wait for me!
Prince Draco: Nay, Theresa, come to ye sleigh with me.
Contessa Theresa: But I must follow Sir-
(Prince Draco deals her a swift uppercut, knocking her unconscious.)
Prince Draco: Chi-Chi, put her in the sleigh.
Chi-Chi: She will give thee hell when she wakes up, mine Prince.
Prince Draco: I know, I know.... I must tell ye men to start igniting ye gunpowder and blow this castle to hell!

(Ye Comte de Blofeld runs from room to room, Sir James only pausing to make quick sketches of ye tapestries showing where all ye maidens were sent.)
Sir James: Good Lord, why art there so many islands, river and mountains??? Time ist short, I willst just draw ye fjord or town ye maiden lives in, and find ye correct one later. How hard can it be? An'st I be'eth not happy with mine shading or use of perspective. As it always be a matter of perspective. I doth not feel I've captured the full natural beauty of these lands.
(Ye Comte finally dives through a small window into ye snow outside as ye castle blows up. Sir James follows.)
Sir James: Thou canst not escape, Comte!
Comte: You think not? (He grabs a small toboggan from a handy pile of them.) This will sleigh ye!
(Ye Comte sets off downhill at a great pace. Sir James finds another toboggan and chases afterwards, catching up quickly, and leaps onto ye Comte’s toboggan. The two struggle, with ye Comte gaining the upper hand until he ist caught by his neck in a low hanging tree. The toboggan carrying Sir James ploughs on, till it crashes into a snowdrift. Sir James climbs shakily out, only to be greeted by a friendly St Bernard dog.)
Sir James: Aw, thou art so cute! Didst thee bring any brandy?
(Ye dog begins to hump Sir James’s leg.)
Sir James: Ah... ok.... that's enough now... down, boy... At least buy me a brandy first!

Act 5, Scene 4. A wedding.

Toastmaster: Milord, ladies and gentlemen, agents of discretion, assorted varlets, men in green shoes: the toast is The Bride And Groom, Sir James and Lady Bond!
(All cheer.)
Sir Miles: Mine heartiest congratulations, Sir James. I hope you enjoyed my speech.
Sir James: Aye, I thank’ee, sire. Your remark that as we both met gambling with cards, that we were "Well suited" for each other was worthy of the great Sir James of Tarbuck.
Sir Miles: 'Twas all in jest.
Sir James: As was your witticism, that it be a day full of such emotions that even the cake was in tiers!
Sir Miles: (Laughs.) Aye, as was mine "I'm here till Thursday, try the veal".
(Prince Draco enters.)
Prince Draco: Sir James, here, take this...
Sir James: Nay, father-in-law, her price ist far higher than rubies.
Prince Draco: Ruby's? Ye maiden from Pizza Gloria? Do not tell me that thou didst...
Sir James: (Apace.) Nay, nay, thou hast misunderstood.
Maid Moneypenny: Wah... sniff...
Old Wizard: (Gifting a handkerchief.) Here, Maid Moneypenny, do not cry.
Maid Moneypenny: I'm sorry, I can'st not help myself.
Old Wizard: Did thee hold a torch for Sir James?
Maid Moneypenny: Nay, I'm holding the bridal bouquet and it's playing hell with my hay fever.
Old Wizard: Naught Naught Seven must really be in love this time, because he hast only deflowered half of the bridesmaids.
Sir James: Sir Miles, what ist wrong with Maid Moneypenny?
Sir Miles: I shalt explain later, Naught Naught Seven.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. My services I do offer thee.
Sir James: In this department I shall not need thine services, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard: Quickly, observe what be in my case....
Sir James: (Glancing down.) ... UM ?... Very well, I'll take'eth ye hand shackles and the British version of the Kama Sutra.
Old Wizard: New and revised- it now hath two positions!
Sir James: TWO!!!!! How could.......
Old Wizard: Apace Sir James, your bride is eager to get off..... sorry, to get away.
(Sir James and his new wife drive off in their carriage.)

Lady Bond: Thou hast avoided running down that man in green shoes, Sir James.
Sir James: Later, perhaps- all the time in the world doth we have.
Lady Bond: Take these flowers from our carriage, Sir James.
Sir James: But of course.
(A carriage rushes by, driven by ye Comte de Blofeld. Fraulein Irma takes aim, and Lady Bond ist slain.)
Sir James: That was ye Comte... (Realises.) All ye time in ye world we doth have....

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Barbel, Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous, Number 24 ....and a special thanks to HIGGINS! X-( (He wrote the first two lines of Fraulein Irma's dialogue- Barbel did the rest of the German, so blame him for any mistakes)

Barbel · February 2017

LONG LIVE THE GEMSTONES!

Act 1, Scene 1. A foreign place. Sir James has a word with a varlet.

Sir James: Wherefore is he that I seek?
(Sir James strikes ye varlet.)
Varlet: Thou must ask in Cai- Cai- Cairo!
(Another foreign place. A man plays cards at a gaming table.)
Man: Hit me.
(Sir James obliges.)
Sir James: Wherefore is he that I seek? Less politely shall I ask forthwith.
Man: Marie! Thou must ask Madame Marie!
(A beach. A barely dressed maiden lies in the sun.)
Madame Marie: Greetings, handsome sir. How may I call thee?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. (I shalt say that as many times as Lord Cubby ist willing to pay for.) Now, wherefore is the Comte de Blofeld?
(Sir James whips off her top and strangles Madame Marie.)
Madame Marie: ...agghhh... ugghh...
Sir James: Louder must thou speak.

(An alchemist’s chamber. Sir James slays a varlet by drowning him in mud.)
Comte de Blofeld: With playthings of the earth doth thou make sport, Naught Naught Seven. This yeoman thou hast slain to no purpose.
(Sir James slays the Comte.)
Sir James: To Hades I send thee!

Intermission. Maidens dance with a cat. A Welsh woman sings... again.

Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Sir Miles: What knowest thee of gemstones, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: With maidens, flowers say’eth sorry but a gemstone say’eth that I be really, REALLY sorry!!
Sir Miles: Aye, ‘tis true.
Sir James: Most precious they are, my liege, valued by the fairer sex, ‘tis all I know.
Sir Miles: On this matter I find agreeable thine lack of expertise. I prithee, pay heed to Sir Donald... duck!
(Sir Donald doth squat down.)
Sir Miles: Pardon, good sir, I did see a bee near thine head.
Sir Donald: I thank’ee. (Rising to walk forward.)
Sir Miles: Sir Donald, where's your trousers?
Sir Donald: Pardon, I be forgetful at times, they do say it be stress related. The relation in question causing the stress ist my wife. (He doth raise his hose, but a small sound is heard from his rear.)
Sir James: Be that a Sir Donald trump?
Sir Miles: Pipe down, Naught Naught Seven!
Sir Donald: Look you well here, Sir James.
(Sir Donald takes Sir James to some display cabinets and points at a box.)
Sir Donald: 14 carrots, (Points to a second box.), 15 carrots.
Sir James: And in this box?
Sir Donald: They be parsnips, my wife Lady Daisy thought gardening wouldst help with my stress.
(Sir James nods.)
Sir Miles: ....er, ye gemstones?
Sir Donald: From our mines the gems are taken
By stealth, if I be not mistaken
The constables sleep and are not awakened
Have a sherry, ‘tis stirred and was not shaken
Sir Miles: 'Tis not for me, mine apothecary hast advised against this.
Sir James: A pity, sire, for 'tis a most agreeable vintage. (Tastes.) I'm getting wood ..
Sir Donald: It's never got me that excited!
Sir James: ...and forest fruits, definitely.
Sir Miles: To find these gemstones ist thine charge, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Then to Africa I must go forthwith.... and pack my safari suit, of course.
Sir Miles: Thou art going to ye Netherlands, in the stead of one Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: Very well, sire ......can I still take my safari suit ?
Maid Moneypenny: I prithee, Sir James, save one gemstone for me, in a ring for mine finger.
Sir James: Naught but one flower shall I bring thee, Moneypenny.

(In a schoolhouse, far away, a class ist being taught.)
Mrs Whistler: Today, children, ye shalt know what “C” stands for. It stands for-
Young Max: Careless. (Whispers... to the rest of ye infants.)
(Enter Joshua.)
Joshua: Two men await thee, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Gentlemen, I be sure, Joshua.
Joshua: Indeed. Wouldst thou like me to tell everyone about ye political situation in-
Mrs Whistler: Perhaps later. And Joshua...?
Joshua: Yes, Mrs Whistler?
Mrs Whistler: Don't turn around.
(She doth enter an office, where Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint await.)
Yeoman Kidd: Greetings, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Most pleasant it is to see thee, gentlemen, and where shalt I be travelling to?
Yeoman Wint: To ye Netherlands. (He hands her a small purse.)
Mrs Whistler: Excellent, I thank’ee. I must make some etchings of the canals for the children.

Act 2, Scene 2. A boudoir.

Sir James: ‘Tis a most appealing little nothing thou art almost wearing- mine approval rating ist high.
Lady Tiffany: For the approval of ye yeomen I do not dress in finery.
Sir James: Hmm, though thine fashion of wearing black is most comely.
Lady Tiffany: Aye, my fashion sense ist second to nun! In fact I hath only two complaints..... nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
Sir James: I know not of ye fashion industry, other than they be'est "clothes minded", but methinks thine dress wouldst look better on .....the floor ?
Lady Tiffany: Let us get to business.
Sir James: I had hopes we would give each other the business...
Lady Tiffany: Nay, the smuggling business! You, sir, do not believe in lady's rights.
Sir James: Nay, 'tis not so! I even let my house keep, May, work twice as many hours so she can earn the same as the male servants.
Lady Tiffany: Why, thee be almost a feminist!
(Sir James doth raise an eyebrow.)
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Franks, Peter Franks.
Lady Tiffany: Yeoman Franks, thine charge ist to carry gemstones to ye colonies across the sea, for great rewards.
Sir James: Aye, most certainly. Let us dine together forthwith- a small eating place nearby I have knowledge of...
Lady Tiffany: Ne’er shall I pleasure with business combine. How should I colour mine tresses to please thee?
Sir James: I care not, should the cowl match the corset. Art thou fond of ye gemstones, Lady Tiffany?
Lady Tiffany: They are all I need to please me- they can stimulate and tease me. Return here tonight and we shall discuss this matter further.

(Later, Sir James ist surprised to see ye real Yeoman Franks making his way to Lady Tiffany’s chambers.)
Sir James: Guten abend! Thou art English?
Yeoman Franks: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir James: I speak English- after who, sir.
(Sir James does battle with Yeoman Franks, slaying him just as Lady Tiffany appears, and slipping his own purse into Franks’ pocket.)

Lady Tiffany: (Examining ye purse.) In faith, thou hast slain he who is called Bond, James Bond!
Sir James: Verily! It doth show that nobody lives forever.
Lady Tiffany: Hmm, I didst not know that he was a member of Ye Naughty Maidens club.
Sir James: I hear yon club is full of intellectuals, with monthly talks on carriages and crop rotations.
Lady Tiffany: Thou dost not slay Sir James Bond and tarry for the constables, Yeoman Franks, thou must make speed with carrying the gemstones.
Sir James: Then Sir James can our load carry henceforth.

Act 3, Scene 1. A port. Sir James alights from a vessel, knowing that Lady Tiffany ist following but unaware that Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint follow also.

Lord Felix: I welcome thee across the sea, Sir James, or Yeoman Franks should I say.
Sir James: Aye, I must be Franks with you. Most pleased I am to see thee, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: And I thee. Welcome to ye colonies.
Sir James: But of course.
Lord Felix: I prithee, wherefore shall I find the gemstones?
Sir James: ‘Tis alimentary, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: Alimentary, my ass, Sir James! (Laughing, he nods across the dock.) A carriage hast been sent for thee, driven by wastrels.
(Sir James goes to ye carriage.)
1st Naughty Man: In front shalt thou be seated, Yeoman Franks.
2nd Naughty Man: 'Tis of far greater comfort in front, Yeoman Franks.
3rd Naughty Man: Aye, 'tis of more comfort in the front.
Lord Felix: (Shouting.) The front looks to be of comfort, Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: Verily, in front shall I sit.
(Sir James enters ye carriage as ye coffin ist loaded in clumsily at first .)
1st Naughty Man: Hey, take'eth care with Yeoman Franks stiff one..... er, sorry Yeoman Franks!
2nd Naughty Man: That was thine brother, Yeoman Franks? A brother have I.
Sir James: Well, ye globe ist small...
(Ye carriage sets off.)
1st Naughty Man: Watch out for yon man with green trai... (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Sir James: No matter. Hath thee much experience handling stiffs?
2nd Naughty Man: Of corpses we hath experience, especially at ye crematorium, to see who be'eth ye quickest.
Sir James: Who won?
1st Naughty Man: The crematorium? 'Twas a dead heat!
Sir James: And where ist this place?
1st Naughty Man: 'Tis ye dead centre of town.

Act 3, Scene 2. (Sir James ist taken to a place of ye dead. Ye varlets carry ye coffin inside as Sir James ist met by ye gravemaster.)

Yeoman Slumber: I be Yeoman Morton Slumber. I bid thee greetings, Yeoman Franks, and I thank’ee for selecting mine establishment for thine brother’s resting place.
Sir James: To a better place he ist headed, Yeoman Slumber.
Yeoman Slumber: Mine services art available for any other brothers thou may’est have.
Sir James: Nay, no other brothers, foster brothers, stepbrothers, foster brothers, half-brothers, or foster brothers have I. Most assuredly not. Did I mention foster brothers? Of them I have none whatsoever.
Yeoman Slumber: Congratulations on purchasing the Executive Version of our caskets. Thou hast chosen wisely, and we value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality. Everything in this coffin hast been designed to meet the exacting standards which thou hast naturally come to expect. The casket itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl. You can relax and enjoy this quality product, secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created for the lover of fine things and ye man of good taste. (Farts.) Oh, sorry.
Sir James: ...er, aye.
Yeoman Slumber: I'm so happy you chose our half-couch, hinged-panel, slumber-on casket. I'm sure your brother would'st have appreciated it. (He begins to foam at ye mouth with excitement.)
Sir James: Please Yeoman Slumber, thou art having a coffin fit!
Yeoman Slumber: Pardon, and now if thou art ready...?
(Yeoman Slumber pulls a lever, and ye coffin enters a hidden chamber. Faintly ye sounds of fierce flames can be heard.)
Sir James: (Aside.) Farewell, Yeoman Franks.
Yeoman Slumber: Ye ashes shalt be presented to thee outside, in our most peaceful fountains garden.
Sir James: But of course. Thine garden sounds lovely- when I go, I do hope that I be buried in a bush.
(Sir James goes to ye gardens, and finds ye correct urn from which he removes a packet containing gold coins. Suddenly he ist struck from behind by Yeoman Wint and Yeoman Kidd, who drag him into a coffin and pull ye lever which sends it into a fiery furnace.)
Yeoman Kidd: Dance into ye fire, Yeoman Wint.
Yeoman Wint: A fatal kiss, Yeoman Kidd.
Yeoman Kidd: An old flame.
Yeoman Wint: A blaze of glory.
Yeoman Kidd: If thou can't stand'eth the heat...
Yeoman Wint: ...I think'eth that be enough, let us make our leave.
(They depart, hand in hand. Sir James lies unconscious within ye coffin which hast been sent into ye flames.)
Sir James: ...oh, yes, Felix, ‘tis most wonderful... most lovely and warm... hot... too hot!!! (Awakens.) What? Oh nay, oh shi-
(Ye casket ist opened and a red-haired hunchback doth glare inside.)
Shady Tree: (For it ist he.) Thou stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder, those thrice-cursed gemstones are false!
Sir James: Scruffy looking????
Shady Tree: Naught but mocks they are!
Sir James: And where art ye real gold coins?
Shady Tree: What dost thou mean?
Sir James: Thou would not consign to a fire real gold coins. Thou shalt get me ye real gold, and I shalt get ye real gemstones.

Act 4, Scene 1. A gaming house. A band play "Good Morning Vegas Town".

(Sir James watches with interest as Shady Tree amuses an audience.)
Shady Tree: ...he hast only been there twice- ye first time he was sick, and ye second time his hat blew off!
(Ye audience laughs. Sir James moves on to ye gaming tables.)
Sir James: I prithee, may I have credit for ten thousand of thine dollars?
Croupier: Yeoman Saxby...?
(Enter Yeoman Saxby. Sir James displays his mock gold coins in a purse labelled “Slumber”.)
Yeoman Saxby: Aye, ‘tis good.
Mistress Plenty: (Appearing out of nowhere.) With thine sport I proffer mine assistance.
Sir James: Most grateful I am, Mistress...?
Mistress Plenty: Plenty am I.
Sir James: Most verily, ‘tis true.
Mistress Plenty: Plenty O’Toole.

Sir James: For thine father thou be named, I am sure. Thou art ye most beauteous wench I have ever seen.
Mistress Plenty: Verily?
Sir James: Nay, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.
Mistress Plenty: Then let us retire to thine chambers, thou smooth talker.
Sir James: To be sure, after I have made some bets...

(Later, in a boarding house.)
Mistress Plenty: Thine chambers be most beauteous, Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: I bid thee welcome.
(They embrace. Enter ye three Naughty Men.)
Sir James: With more than mine hands up hast thou found me.
(Two of ye varlets seize Mistress Plenty and take her to ye window.)
Mistress Plenty: Cease forthwith! Thou canst not do this to me! I do have friends in this-
(She ist thrown out of ye window.)
Mistress Plenty: T
O
W
N!!!!!
Sir James: (Looking out ye window.) ‘Tis most fortunate her fall was broken by yon man wearing green trainers.
1st Naughty Man: I didn't know there was a fool down there. Dost thou remember me, Yeoman Franks?
Sir James: I never forget a face, though in thine case I shall be happy to make an exception. Now, I do assume thou hast come for ye...
(The three varlets exit.)
Sir James: ?:) .... gemstones?
Lady Tiffany: (From ye bedroom.) Oh, Yeoman Franks...?
Sir James: Ah, now I do see.
(Sir James enters ye bedroom to find Lady Tiffany atop his bed.)
Lady Tiffany: Good evening, Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: It may turn out that way after all.
Lady Tiffany: Mayhap, but first we shouldst talk.
(Sir James begins to remove his clothes.)
Sir James: Of gemstones, perhaps?
Lady Tiffany: 'Tis correct... keep going...
(Sir James ist completely disrobed.)
Sir James: Thou wishest to know where ye real gemstones are?
Lady Tiffany: Most impressed I am, Yeoman Franks, to thee there ist a lot more than I did expect.
Sir James: Touch it, stroke it and undress it....
(After a discreet interval...)
Lady Tiffany: ...so, Peter, where shalt I get ye gemstones?
Sir James: Where else, but from a circus?

Act 4, Scene 2. A circus. A sign says “Book now for Berlin, only twelve years left.”

Lord Felix: A circus? I prithee, Sir James, of all places why a circus?
Sir James: It did seem like a good idea at ye time.
Lord Felix: And what were thou doing at ye time?
Sir James: ...er...
Lord Felix: Oh, I see. Ye next time, thou should be standing up when picking a place.
Sir James: Art thine men ready?
Lord Felix: Many of them, over a hundred. A mouse in green sneakers couldn't get through! Ah, here comes ye lady now.
(Lady Tiffany enters ye circus.)
1st Barker: Over here, lady! Test thine luck with mine water balloons!
2nd Barker: Nay, play at yon cards!
(Lady Tiffany looks around at ye stalls and assorted acts, and settles on ye water balloons.)
1st Barker: Here we go, a winner every time! (Distributes water pistols.) Here ist a little lady, here ist a little man, and here ist... hmm, a big lady!
Lady Tiffany: Watch who thou art calling big, sunshine.
(They fire their water pistols- the boy intently, Lady Tiffany carelessly. Surprisingly, she wins.)
1st Barker: A winner every time! Here ist thine prize.
(He hands Lady Tiffany a stuffed toy, with an expensive timepiece and green shoes.)
Boy: Hey, that ist not fair!
(Lady Tiffany shrugs and walks off. Lord Felix's men follow, and she dives into ye next exhibit. In a dimly-lit chamber, a crowd listens to a wizard, behind whom ist a steel cage.)
Wizard: Please be thee very quiet, ladies and gentlemen, very quiet. This ferocious 450lb gorilla was captured near Nairobi, South Africa, and ist believed to be part of a cruel inhuman experiment. This gorilla willst be locked into a steel cage and will change very slowly into...
(Ye candles become dim and ye eager audience watches with horror.)

Roseanne Barr!

(Ye crowd runs shrieking to ye exits, except for a large sandy-haired man in a checked shirt who bounds joyously forward, and in ye confusion Lady Tiffany gives Lord Felix’s men ye slip.)

(Later...)
Lord Felix: Sir James, ist she here?
Sir James: Tell me not that thou hast lost her.
Lord Felix: We lost her.

Act 4, Scene 3. A luxurious abode. Lady Tiffany comes home to find Sir James relaxing by her pool.

Sir James: Greetings, 'tis a most magnificent place thou dost have.
Lady Tiffany: What art thou doing here? And what ist that in ye pool? Oh...
(In ye pool ist ye remains of Mistress Plenty.)
Sir James: 'Tis poor Plenty. Methinks 'twas meant to be thee.
Lady Tiffany: Thou sounds like a constable!
(Sir James casually slaps her across her face.)
Sir James; And thou art not ye type to turn ye other cheek- now, where wert thou told to take ye gemstones?
Lady Tiffany: ...I willst tell ye.

Act 4, Scene 4. A waystation.

Lady Tiffany: Ye gemstones I have placed in yon strongbox there. I know not what happens to them thereafter.
Sir James: Then let us sit in thine carriage and see.
(After a while, Yeoman Saxby arrives and collects ye contents of the strongbox. Sir James and Lady Tiffany follow his carriage as he rides to ye next waystation, where he stops to water and feed his horse.)
Sir James: ‘Tis Yeoman Saxby, I have met him before.
Lady Tiffany: Look, over there!
(A distinguished-looking man pays the bill as Yeoman Saxby wanders off. Sir James quickly hides at ye back of the carriage before ye man drives off with Lady Tiffany following. Ye man drives ye carriage towards a far castle, with Sir James hiding at the rear. Lady Tiffany stops as ye carriage enters ye castle. The man ties ye carriage up in ye castle’s yard and enters through a door. After a moment, Sir James follows inside but ist met by some guards.)
Guard: Hey, stop there! Let me see thine parchments.
Sir James: (Waving his hand.) Thou dost not need to see mine parchments.
Guard: ...I dost not need to see thine parchments.
Sir James: This ist not ye man thou art looking for.
Guard: ...This ist not ye man we art looking for.
Sir James: He can go about his business.
Guard: ...He can go about his business.
(Ye guards depart.)
Sir James: Hmm, ‘twould seem hanging about with ye Old Wizard hast taught me a trick or two- and given me a new hope.

(Sir James continues down a corridor until he comes to a locked door as a man approaches, holding a key.)
Sir James: Greetings, I have not seen thee here before. Art thee new here?
Klaus: Three years have I toiled here- I be Klaus Hergerscheimer, from P Section.
(Klaus unlocks ye door and Sir James follows him through.)
Sir James: And how are things in P Section?
Klaus: ‘Tis always ye same, checking on codpieces. Speaking of which, where ist thine?
Sir James: Er... I have been waiting for you guys to find one big enough.
Klaus: Thou should always wear one, in case of a sneak attack. Here, take this one meantime- ‘tis fortunate I carry spares.
Sir James: I thank’ee.
Klaus: Let me put it on for thee (Prepares to kneel before Sir James.).
Sir James: Nay, I can manage.
(Klaus exits. Sir James walks to a door with a sign "Nothing going on here. Perfectly normal stuff. Keep walking", peers inside, then enters boldly. Ye man from ye carriage ist talking to a messenger.)
Distinguished Man:... tell him I now have enough gemstones for completion. (He spots Sir James inspecting a large wooden dragon's head, encrusted with gemstones.) Why art thou here?
Sir James: Everybody's got to be somewhere.
Distinguished Man: Who art thee? What dost thee want?
Sir James: Klaus Hergerschiemer, P Section. Checking on codpieces. And thou art...?
Distinguished Man: Apothecary Wizard Metz- now go away!
Sir James: Metz... how doth thee spell that?
Apothecary Wizard Metz: M, E.... Depart, thou irritating little man!
Sir James: Now, Apothecary Wizard Metz, there ist no need for such!
Apothecary Wizard Metz: Go now!
Sir James: But of course.
(Sir James exits. Through another door Klaus Hergerschiemer enters.)
Klaus: Greetings, I be Klaus Hergerschiemer, P Section.
(Apothecary Wizard Metz and his men turn to stare.)
Klaus: (Uncomfortable.) ....checking on codpieces?

(As Sir James makes his way to ye exit, ye alarm ist raised and he ist pursued by guards. He dives through ye nearest door, to find himself in a snowy landscape where soldiers are being trained in winter warfare.)
Guard: There he ist, stop him!
(Ye soldiers in training move to apprehend Sir James, but art hampered by their ungainly snowshoes. Pausing only for a quick game of golf, Sir James leaps on board their sledge.)
Sir James: Hmm, ye latest from NASA- the Norwegian Advanced Sledging Association! ‘Tis the N24, a cannon powered sledge...
(Sir James pulls a lever marked “fuse” as ye guards approach.)
Instructor: Get him off that, ‘tis not a toy!
(Ye cannon fires, propelling the sledge and Sir James at lightning speed through ye nearest wall to outside ye castle where Lady Tiffany nervously sits in her carriage. Sir James leaps from ye sledge and runs to ye carriage with guards chasing after him.)
Sir James: (Getting in.) Drive off apace!
Lady Tiffany: But-
Sir James: No time to explain, go as fast as ye can! And if thou dost see a mad apothecary in a carriage, just smile.

(They drive into ye city.)
Lady Tiffany: Thou canst drop me at ye next corner- goodbye and good luck.
Sir James: Relax, Lady Tiffany, I have a friend named Felix who can fix anything.
Lady Tiffany: Aye, I didst hear thou say that when thou wert asleep last night- at least I think it was "fix"...
Sir James: Ah... ;%
(Their car ist accosted by some constables, signalling them to stop. Instead, Sir James doth steer down an alley with ye constables in pursuit.)
Lady Tiffany: Nay, 'tis too narrow!
Sir James: Worry not, I am accustomed to fitting big things into tight spaces.
Lady Tiffany: Only our horse could get through ahead!
Sir James: Lean over, apace, to thine right!
(Sir James and Lady Tiffany lean to their right, causing ye carriage to tip over at just ye right angle to get through ye narrow passage ahead. Ye constables try also, but their carriage falls over, and Sir James and Lady Tiffany's carriage emerges from ye alley. On its left..)
Lady Tiffany: Er... how didst thou manage to enter on ye right and come out on ye left?
Sir James: 'Tis a trick I learned from observing many politicians.

Act 4, Scene 3. A boarding house.

Lord Felix: "Yeoman and Mistress Jones"???
Sir James: Aye, that ist what it doth say in ye register.
Lord Felix: I hath yeomanry positioned all around.
Sir James: It be known you know many positions.
Lord Felix: Sure I am that thou will find something to do here- 'tis said that nothing propinks like propinquity.
(Exit Lord Felix.)
Lady Tiffany: 'Tis a switch, the three little pigs guarding the wolf.
Sir James: Aye, and Hamilton is outside ye door, he be'est very out of shape...... ye can hear him huffing and a-puffing.
Lady Tiffany: So, may I finally call you Sir James?
Sir James: As long as Lord Cubby ist willing to pay what I asked him for....
Lady Tiffany: Wherefore art we staying in in the bridal suite, Sir James?
Sir James: A more perfect union to form, and we get complimentary tickets to see Sir Sammy Davis Jr the famous Balladeer.
Lady Tiffany: And hast thou with Lord Felix spoken of mine future?
Sir James: Another room hast he in mind for thee, Lady Tiffany, with bars, bad food and manacles....
Lady Tiffany: The House of Commons?
Sir James: .... though on top of the situation I most surely am. Now, ascend ye stairs I must.
(Sir James exits by ye window.)

Act 4, Scene 4. A room atop a boarding house.

Comte de Blofeld: I bid thee good evening, Naught Naught Seven.
Another Comte de Blofeld: And I also bid thee good evening, Sir James.
Sir James: I know not which of thee to slay.
Another Comte de Blofeld: With thine predicament I doth sympathise.
Sir James: Mayhap I shalt just wait a while- I do have a licence to chill.
Comte de Blofeld: Mayhap thou shalt not.
Sir James: Would you mind if I smoke?
Comte de Blofeld: I do not care if you burn!
Sir James: How can you both look so alike? What magic is this?
Comte de Blofeld: Merely contouring make-up and seductive lighting.
(A white cat passes by Sir James, who with speed kicks it violently into ye face of Another Comte de Blofeld who chokes to death on it.)
Sir James: Death by Pussy........ that be'eth how I want to go!
Comte De Blofeld: Enough!! Sir James, yet another mock heroic moment.
Sir James: What plans hath thee for the gemstones, Comte de Blofeld?
Comte de Blofeld: Most excellent a question, Sir James, ‘twill be on the lips of the globe most soon, though the hour be late and weary am I yet so much lies undone. I prithee, come meet my boon companions Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint.
Yeoman Wint: Should thee not succeed at first, Yeoman Kidd...
Yeoman Kidd: Thou must endeavour repeatedly, Yeoman Wint.
Sir James: This after-shave I have smelt before.
Yeoman Wint: Is it too strong?
Sir James: Well, the canary was alive when I got here...
(Yeoman Wint knocks Sir James out, and the two drag him off...)

(Later, Sir James lies unconscious in a surprisingly well-lit pipe.)
Sir James: ....yes, Felix, just a little lower... oh, that's it.... (Awakes.) Where am I? What ist this?
(He ist approached by a friendly rat.)
Sir James: One of us smells like Liberace's handkerchief... (Sniffs.) Oh, that would be me- mine apologies.
(Sir James looks around.)
Sir James: I don't suppose thou knowest ye way to ye exit?
(Ye rat scurries off, Sir James follows as he leads down ye tunnel, first turning right and then left.)
Sir James: Um, mayhap thou should enter politics...
(Deeper into ye tunnel they go, till ye rat stops outside a door, indicating that Sir James should enter. He open ye door, to find ye Old Wizard and Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: Late as ever, Sir James.
Sir James: ‘Twas a bit of a rat race out there.
Old Wizard: Look ye into mine crystal ball, Naught Naught Seven. ‘Twould seem that ye Comte de Blofeld hast assumed ye identity of ye Whyte Duke, Willard, and ist controlling his empire while keeping ye Duke hostage at his summer mansion.
Lord Felix: (Aside.) ‘Tis on a ridge, about ten miles outside of town.
Old Wizard: We doth know that Yeoman Saxby hast been sent to slay ye Duke.
Sir James: Then go there we must, apace. Old Wizard, thou hast surpassed thineself this time.
Old Wizard: Nay, this trick I doth do for mine children at Yuletide.
Sir James: Would this be before or after ye turkey?
Old Wizard: Turkey? We prefer waterfowl.
Sir James: Waterfowl? Thou must be jesting!
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my duck, Naught Naught Seven.

Act 4, Scene 5. (A palatial mansion of stone and glass. Sir James enters, and ist greeted by a most comely wench.)

Wench: I bid thee greetings- I be Bambi.
Sir James: Well, hello, Bambi.
(A second beauteous wench uncoils from a sofa of stone.)
2nd Wench: And I be Thumper. Ist there something we can do for thee?
Sir James: There are several things I can think of, offhand, though for ye present I do seek ye Whyte Duke, Willard.
Bambi: (Disappointed.) Oh, thou art after Willie.... Thee should call next door to Sir John Barrowman's abode, He too looks for...
Sir James: For this moment, ‘tis true- though I wouldst not want ye to get ye wrong idea.
Thumper: Well, if thou art looking for Willie thou hast come to ye wrong place. For thee this Duke could prove a Hazzard!
Sir James: I'll Mark Hazard, as noted.
Bambi: But thou hast come to ye right place if thou art looking for a ball!
(Bambi knees Sir James in his groin. Gasping, he falls.)
Sir James: Damn, I should have kept Klaus's codpiece!
Bambi: Thine turn, Thumper!
(Thumper swings on a chandelier and kicks Sir James against a wall. The two then attack him together, knocking him into a pool. Thumper and someone who does not look much like Bambi dive in after him, but Sir James quickly gets ye upper hand just before Lord Felix and his men arrive.)
Lord Felix: 'Tis no time for breast stroke lessons, Sir James, ye Whyte Duke ist in danger!
(Bambi swims to ye side and points at a door. Lord Felix and a dripping wet Sir James rush over and carefully open ye door. Ye Whyte Duke, Willard, emerges from ye privy.)
WW: BBC? FIFA?
Sir James: (Now surprisingly dry.) Nay, Whyte Duke, a discreet servant of Her Majesty am I. British Intelligence.
WW: Isn't that an oxymoron?
Sir James: Cheeky git!! I ought to....
Lord Felix: Steady, James!!
WW: And canst thou tell me what ist happening? I see thee hast met my friends Bambi and Thumper.
Sir James: Aye, lovely girls. I bet once they hath found the right man, they'll soon settle down from their wild ways. To do their wifely duties, of cooking, cleaning and seeing to the needs of a man.
WW: But they do not like men, Sir James.
Sir James: 'Tis true they seemed to dislike me. (Sir James rubs his crotch.)
WW: Any swelling?
Sir James: Not for a while, methinks.
Lord Felix: Come with us, Whyte Duke, and we shall tell ye all.
(An arrow narrowly misses ye Whyte Duke, who is pulled under cover by Lord Felix. Sir James looks carefully over as Lord Felix's men fire a volley of arrows at Yeoman Saxby, slaying him.)
Sir James: Yeoman Saxby...
WW: Saxby? Albert R. Saxby?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so.
WW: Inform him of his dismissal forthwith!

Act 4, Scene 6. A gaming house.

Lady Tiffany: Hail to thee, Old Wizard, hast thou heard tell of mine future from Lord Felix or Sir James?
Old Wizard: Nay, milady, of thee I have heard no tell.
Lady Tiffany: Thou hast good fortune with thine games, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard: For this I have borne much anticipation. I crave thine attention! Now...
Lady Tiffany: (Aside.) Surely, yonder stands the Comte de Blofeld in feminine attire. Follow I must.

Comte de Blofeld: Caesar, I mean seize her, 2nd Naughty Man! Thine presence brings great pleasure, Lady Tiffany, for I had much dread of this tedious journey being a solitary one.

In ye room atop ye boarding house.
WW: So, I prithee, tell me what thou didst see, Sir James.
Sir James: Why, 'twas like ye head of a dragon, encrusted with many gemstones and...
WW: Canst thou draw it for me?
Sir James: But of course- I do have a licence to quill.
(Sir James takes up pen and paper.)
Lord Felix: And what of Apothecary Wizard Metz, Whyte Duke?
WW: A most accomplished wizard in ye arts of warfare, though dedicated to peace. And how ye Comte de Blofeld got his hooks in him I shalt never know.
Lord Felix: Give me thine paper, Sir James... why, this ist disgusting! And probably anatomically impossible.
Sir James: Not that paper, Felix!
Lord Felix: Oh, sorry.
Sir James: It did look like this. (Displays his drawing.)
WW: Hmm, this would appear to be a great battering ram- encrusted with gemstones, ‘twould be impossible for any castle door to stand against it.
Lord Felix: And whomsoever didst possess this would gain victory in any siege.
WW: If Metz doth deserve one tenth of his reputation, ye power of that thing could be incredible.
Lord Felix: Mine men have found a tunnel, we shalt search it forthwith.
Sir James: And what of Lady Tiffany?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis better we find ye Comte de Blofeld first!
(Lord Felix and his men depart.)
WW: ‘Twill be an auction, with supremacy in warfare going to ye highest bidder.
Sir James: Ye Comte must be using thine empire as a cover- he could be anywhere on this tapestry, from Memphis to Mobile, from Timbuctoo to Tennessee, from Russia with love, from Northern Ireland to Norway...
WW: Norway...? I have nothing in Norway!
Sir James: Ye tapestry says though dost have thine 24th installation there.
WW: Number 24 is in Norway?
Sir James: Either that, or I hath been grossly misinformed.

Act 4, Scene 8. All at sea.

Comte de Blofeld: As is thine custom, Sir James, thou hast guessed correctly, though thine pitiful little island be not in danger. I wouldst have thought a king at least would have been sent unto me.
Sir James: Sadly, The King ist giving a performance twice nightly at the castle, with his rendering of many popular ballads. Although he sends his regards in an Aloha from Hawaii.
Comte Blofeld: Oh! Don't be cruel.
Sir James: All the cards thou dost hold, Comte, even unto Lady Tiffany.
Comte de Blofeld: Most pleasing ‘tis that thou art envious of me, Naught Naught Seven. All ye cards most assuredly are in mine hand. And Lady Tiffany has been most accommodating, letting me borrow some items of lady's clothing which really suit me..... Even helping with mine balloon modelling practice. Look upon my work, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Well, this be a snake obviously!
Comte de Blofeld: I hath not started that one yet!! Behold here, a dog, a giraffe ....
Sir James: Or just another dog, with a long neck? I think thee may hath, er, inflated thy skill levels? Although this parrot looks well sick, as the youths wouldst put it.
(Sir James releases the balloon parrot out of a window with a loud farting noise.)
Comte de Blofeld: Why didst thee do that?
Sir James: 'Twas a Norwegian Blue- he looked to be pining for the fjords!
Comte de Blofeld: Enough of this, I win, I hold all the cards, the jokers and even those extra ones with the adverts on!
(Enter Lord Felix and his men, on winged chariots.)
Sir James: You were saying...?
Comte de Blofeld: Bollocks!! and double poo!! Why dost bad things happen to good people?
(Sir James joins with Lord Felix in the fighting...)
Comte de Blofeld: Prepare my vessel forthwith! I shalt never return, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Never sayest thou never again, Comte.
(A crane begins to lower ye Comte de Blofeld's small dinghy in to the sea. Sir James quickly dispatches the operator and takes command of the control wheel.)
Lady Tiffany: Where be'eth the Comte, Sir James?
Sir James: He's going down on the dinghy.
Lady Tiffany: Same with his balloons, he was always happiest with something in his mouth to blow on!
Sir James: Move thine ass.
Lady Tiffany: Pardon, Sir James?
Sir James: Encourage thine ass to pull the Comte's dinghy upward, so I can place him over his burning citadel.
(With a slapped bottom ye ass pulls the crane rope upwards as Sir James swings it across the flames.)
Lady Tiffany: I think a smart remark ist called for, Sir James.
Sir James: Very well... um... looks like he's gone to blazes!
Lady Tiffany: He's now just an old flame.
Sir James: Quickly now, let us rendezvous with Lord Felix and make our escape.

Act 4, Scene 9. A port. Sir James and Lady Tiffany prepare to board a ship

Lord Felix: Farewell again, Sir James, ‘is my hope we shalt meet again soon.
Sir James: I should not be surprised... BFFs Felix.
(They have a goodbye embrace, and Sir James raises his left leg...)
WW: Ye captain of thine ship ist in mine employ- thou hast only to tell him, and he will sail in circles so thine pleasure can be prolonged.
Sir James: A subject in which I have much interest, I thank’ee, Whyte Duke.
(Sir James and Lady Tiffany get on board. Later, they art resting in their cabin when Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint enter, dressed as stewards and pushing trolleys laden with food.)
Sir James: Hmm, surely this ist a mistake?
Yeoman Wint: No mistake, sire, and call me Shirley not. A meal for thee, compliments of ye Whyte Duke.
Lady Tiffany: Most delicious it doth appear! Thine balls look enormous.
Yeoman Wint: Why thankee, m'lady, nice of you to notice, we both work out and eat.....
Sir James: Faggots!
Yeoman Wint: How dare you sir- just because a man has an interest in musical theatre you think ...
Sir James: Nay, in the Midlands of our great realm those meaty balls be called faggots.
Yeoman Wint: Ah! I see. They are various meats, mainly a specially coloured liver, which we call "liver light dye". We shall quickly prepare them, by lighting these small bundles of kindling to ...
Sir James: Faggots!
Yeoman Wint: How dare you sir just because a man takes a pride in his appearance, you assume....
Sir James: Nay, a small bundle of sticks be know as a faggot.
Yeoman Wint: Really, most interesting.
Yeoman Kidd: And a favourite of all those from Albion, especially after a night of revelry- a curry! With this huge white Ferrero Rocher, with added high class sparkler, for dessert.
Lady Tiffany: Wonderful! And mead?
Yeoman Wint: Aye, the finest- wouldst thee smell this Sir James?
Sir James: Whomever smelt it dealt it!
Yeoman Wint: Nay, mine cork.
Sir James: Your what?
Yeoman Wint: ....the mead cork.
Sir James: Oh yes, although for such a meal, I hath expected some red mead.
Yeoman Wint: Alas only white doth we have, the wine cellar on ship is very far down and very damp.
Sir James: Buckfast Abbey mead is RED! And thine toilet water I hath smelled before.
Yeoman Wint: Kidd doth like my smells and that toilet water be hard to come by, as the seat can oft times fall on my head! Have at you sir!
(He attacks Sir James, with a privy toilet chain hidden in his hose.)
Lady Tiffany: Oh be brave Sir James! (As she sees Yeoman Kidd approach Sir James.)
Sir James: Have a drink, Yeoman Kidd! (He doth throw the bottle of mead at him, sending him falling back into the fire under his meaty balls, forcing him to jump off ship to douse the flames.)
Lady Tiffany: Look, Sir James, the curry has taken the white colour from the dessert. It be'eth not a big white chocolate Ferraro Rocher with a high class sparkler in it at all, but a big BOMB with a lit fuse!!!
(Sir James grabs the bomb and uses the toilet chain to attach it to Yeoman Wint, throwing him overboard just before it explodes!)
Lady Tiffany: Good Lord, Sir James, what do we do now?
Sir James: Eat our meal, I suppose.

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Barbel, Thunderpussy

Barbel · February 2017

Ye Undertaker's Wind

Act 1, Scene 1. A grand meeting hall with many lords sitting around a table listening to the king of Skull Island speak.

Kong: Before our revelries beginneth, we must commence our mass debate... on what afflicts our kingdoms.
(Wenches serve wine to all seated, the representative of Albion doth imbibe eagerly.)
Kong: We hath all served in humble capacities to ...
(The Albion Lord doth rise holding his throat and doth scream!)
Albion Lord: Ah! treachery, I hath been pois.........
(He doth expire.)
Sir Cum-stance: Well, that be'eth very rude indeed!
Sir Cum-ference: Verily, tis true, so rude to shout out like that when King Kong doth speak. I blame'eth ye music of today.
(All do sit upon the ground, and tell sad stories of the death of kings.)

Act 1, Scene 2. A funeral. A man observes as the procession passes by.

1st Man: I prithee, whose funeral ist this?
2nd Man: ‘Tis thine.
1st Man: Nay, thou art mistaken good sir, I am firm of fetlock and with the rosy glow of a healthy constitution, I hath years left.
(2nd Man doth plunge his knife into 1st Man's ribs.)
1st Man: Pardon me good sir, but thee hath apparently dropped thine knife in my ribs. Please accept my heartfelt apologies for getting blood all over it, dashed bad manners on my part......... (He doth expire.)

(Intermission. Unclothed maidens dance with a skull. A winged Englishman sings.)

Act 2, Scene 1. The bedchamber of Sir James Bond. Sir James doth lie asleep with a beauteous maiden. There ist an alarming banging of knockers.

Sir Miles: (Off.) Naught Naught Seven! Arise!
Sir James: (Asleep.) Zzzz... not now Felix, I be still tired from last night...
Signorina Caruso: Zzzz... che ist alla tua porta, Sir James ?
Sir James: (Awakens.)....er, oh, don't thee know the Queens English ?
Signorina Caruso: Of course I know the Queen ist English, but why am I awoken by a second terrific banging?
Sir Miles: (Off.) Naught Naught Seven!!!
Sir James: ‘Tis mine liege, thou must hide forthwith!
(Signorina Caruso hides in ye closet. Sir James opens the door, enter Sir Miles.)
Sir James: The hour ist early, sire, dost thou not sleep?
Sir Miles: Ne’er in the firm’s time, Naught Naught Seven. Thine next directive do I bring, and most urgently. To the colonies across the sea thou must travel, for our servants of discretion are being slain.
(Enter Maid Moneypenny.)
Moneypenny: Sir James, I bring thine documents for travel. I prithee, let me hang mine coat in thine closet... Ah... (She doth see the maiden hiding within.)
Sir Miles: Thine previous mission hast brought thee praise from Italy, Naught Naught Seven, albeit one of their servants they seem to have misplaced. Code name Bel Canto.
Sir James: We sank that, didn't we? Bit careless of our Italian cousins.
Sir Miles: Of no import, they've already had two elections since. So off to the colonies with you to find out if these killings art connected, as our servants of discretion were bearing an eye on the Prime Minister of a Caribbean island, one Lord Kananga. Come Maid Moneypenny, goodnight Sir James.
Moneypenny: Fare thee well, Sir James. (Aside.) If thee dost fancy an Italian, try the closet.
(Both exit, as Sir James opens the closet door.)
Signorina Caruso: ....Hath the banging stopped?
Sir James: Only momentarily!

Act 2, Scene 2. A port.

Horseman Charlie: Welcome across the sea, Sir James, sent have I been by Lord Felix to drive thee. Mine name ist Charlie.
Sir James: Most pleased to make your acquaintance, Horseman Charlie. Ist this thine carriage?
Horseman Charlie: Aye, sir, ‘tis a full one horse power. I shalt take thine baggage.
Sir James: Why the stripes along ye flanks?
Horseman Charlie: They be’eth "Go Faster" stripes, the latest technology from one of our wizards.
(As Horseman Charlie drives off, a gaudy carriage driven by a very fat man follows.)
Horseman Charlie: Lord Felix bids thee welcome, and ist keen to buy thee a fine lunch, sir.
Sir James: Excellent, to this I shalt look forward.
(Ye gaudy carriage draws alongside. Ye fat man produces a blowpipe and fires a dart into Horseman Charlie's neck, then drives off. Charlie slumps over the reins and ye horses gather speed.)
Sir James: I bid thee, easy, Horseman Charlie, let us get there in one piece.... Charlie, thou dost drive in the manner of a London horseman on Saturday night! I prefer to do the brash and irresponsible driving myself, thank you. Look out for that man with green shoes, walking his hedgehog! (Thump.) Oh well. Charlie...?
(Sir James must reach over Horseman Charlie, to try and retrieve the reins.)
Sir James: ...Must steer left to avoid that carriage of kittens, then right to avoid that cart of cute piglets.... Then left again so not to crash into thon carriage of young puppies! Ye gads, who giveth out thine driving certificates in this country?
(Sir James pulls up sharply, to stop the horse, sending the carriage crashing into a theatre front.)
Bystander: Art thee unhurt, good sir?
Sir James: Worry not, ‘tis just a stage I'm going through.

Act 2, Scene 3. A carriage with Sir James and Lord Felix arrives across from a Voodoo shoppe.

Lord Felix: From thine description, that varlet's carriage ist housed here. I cannot wait for thee as I must away to spy on the Lord Kananga- no doubt pursuing his hobby, the knitting of flags.
Sir James: We will meet later.
(Sir James dismounts, Lord Felix exits, as Sir James enters the curious shoppe.)
Serving Wench: Can I show you anything, mayhap some good heads?
Sir James: No need have I for assistance, good lady, except some information- what be’eth this?
Serving Wench: That, good sir, be’eth a long hard fertility token, said to increase the virility of any man so no woman could resist or mayhap a lady could use it as a..... substitute.
Sir James: Um!
Serving Wench: Hath you need of such a token?
Sir James: Most certainly not! If anything I be putting power into it just by the holding of it. (Aside.) Cheeky mare!
Serving Wench: These love potions, to entrance a lover. Or these dolls to...
Sir James: I am familiar with those dolls, thou doth inflate them for lascivious liaisons.
Serving Wench: ....to stick needles in to cause hurt to thine enemies.
Sir James: Ah! Yes, that be’eth what I meant... And what are these here?
Serving Wench: These be green shoes, of course! Used in voodoo ceremonies.
Sir James: Most evil!
(Sir James spies ye fat man going through the back door of ye shoppe.)
Sir James: Could you wrap this (Not looking, handing over the fertility token.) lengthwise, I prithee? ‘Tis a gift for my mother.
Serving Wench: Very well, sir.... I'm sure it will giveth much pleasure.
(Sir James quickly absconds through the same back door as ye fat man and spies a collection of carriages, the one from earlier is there.)
Sir James: Bingo! (There ist an old bingo card lying on the seat beside a blowpipe.) “The Piece Of Pisces Bar and Bingo Parlour”... So he's in the numbers racket!
(Sir James hides as a group of people get into a carriage and drive away, then quickly hails a passing taxi carriage and follows.)

Act 2, Scene 4. “The Piece Of Pisces”, a drinking house. A band play "Good Morning New York Town". Enter Sir James.

Sir James: Greeting, tavern keeper, what ist thy name?
Steward: Pierre!
Sir James: French?
Steward: Not until after some drinks first, sire! I am from Lancashire, so they call me Wigan Pierre.
Sir James: I wouldst have some mead- let it shaken be and not stirred!
Steward: Not stirred?
Sir James: Aye- always shaken.
Steward: Shaken? Thou shouldst pay more! Sit ye down here in this perfectly normal booth, booth Number 24.
Sir James: I seek something on the side...
Steward: (Aside.) The girls are upstairs, knock twice and say you're the postman.
Sir James: Nay, I do seek also the whereabouts of-
(Sir James’s seat doth swivel so he ist in another room, guarded by varlets. An exotic maiden doth play cards.)
Tee Hee: Ist he armed? (Ye maiden doth pick out a card, then nods.)
Solitaire: And dangerous. (Tee Hee doth take Sir James’s sword, bends it effortlessly, then exits.)
Sir James: I wouldst offer mine aid with thine cards, fair maiden, I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Solitaire: Who thou art ist known to me, as well as thine purpose in which thou shalt not succeed. Thou may know me as Solitaire.
Sir James: So this place is just like a Casino: liquor at the front and poker in the rear! Will thou deal with me?
Solitaire: Why not pick a card, to see thine future?
Sir James: Why not...
(Sir James turns over a card to show a muscular, blond haired man in blue swimming trunks in the sea.)..... So this is me then, in a few years?
Solitaire: Aye, and I can see much anger at thine appearance, and hair colour!
Sir James: Another go, I beseech thee.
Solitaire: Very well, but ‘tis not best out of three!
Sir James: Now this be’eth more like it! (He hath turned over "The Lovers" card.)
Solitaire: Oh!
(Enter Yeoman Big.)
Yeoman Big: Be this ye villain who hath followed thee?
Sir James: In error thou art, good sir, I am he who is called-
Yeoman Big: Thine name be for thine headstone- take this wastrel outside and slay him!
(Two varlets seize Sir James and drag him away.)
Sit James: Sleigh? But there be’eth no snow to...... Oh! Till we meet again, fair Solitaire! Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Solitaire: Well it will be for you! As the boys have a reputation for parting things from people's bodies.

Act 2, Scene 5. An alley. Sir James ist forced through a door by ye two varlets.

Sir James: Have a care, mine man, for mine doublet might lose a button.
1st Varlet: Thou hast more to worry about than losing a button!
2nd Varlet: Aye, like losing thine head! (Laughs.)
(They pass a pile of unsold green shoes and rotten vegetables....)
Sir James: Why not try this head of broccoli? ... (Sir James throws the vegetable at ye varlet’s face. He doth then overcome ye two varlets, with many punches via the carrots but finishes off both varlets with some well placed kicks around the plums, and doth pick up ones sword.)
2nd Varlet: (Gasping.) Floret!
Sir James: Say what?
2nd Varlet: (Dying gasp.) ‘Tis a floret of broccoli, not a head!
Sir James: Forgive me, I'm making this up as I go along. Thou shalt expire with a flourish of florets!
Strutter: Cry hold! Drop that sword!
(Sir James drops ye sword.)
Sir James: If thou check'eth that sword, thou will see it hasn't been fired.
Strutter: Now comest thou here. Thou be Sir James Bond, I do believe? I am Harold Strutter, sent by Lord Felix.
Sir James: Thine assistance I could have used earlier, to help me knock one out.
Strutter: Pardon Sir James, but I don't go in for that sort of thing!
Sir James: I mean to render one unconscious. There be'eth a remarkable girl back there with...
Strutter: ....ping pong balls, yes, I hast seen her act. Talented girl. but she could take your eye out! Lord Felix doth bid me to tell thee, Lord Kananga ist leaving to sail for San Monique and thou shouldst follow him there.
Sir James: Aye, pray get me on the fastest clipper ship.... Just a standard state room, nothing too fancy. Port out starboard home of course, and no dining at the captain's table. I'm not eating with the crew at these prices.

Act 3, Scene 1. A boarding house in the Caribbean. Sir James doth walk past ye entertainment. A tall man dressed as a skeleton dances.

MC: ...for thine entertainment, mine lords and ladies, Baron Samedi! Lord Of Ye Undead, Holder of 24 degrees in Norwegian trivia, part-time wedding photographer, Ye Man Who Cannot Die!
(Sir James approaches ye desk.)
Manager: Greetings, good sir, did thee have a pleasant journey?
Sir James: Nay, nothing but beans at every meal! I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Thou hast chambers for me?
Manager: But of course, good sir, and thine wife awaits thee there.
Sir James: ...wife? Er, I thank’ee. Send over some wine, I prithee.
(Sir James enters ye chambers.)
Sir James: Hello? Hm, no-one ist here.
(Enter Whisper.)
Whisper: THINE WINE, SIR!
Sir James: Whoa, no need to shout, my man.
Whisper: SORRY SIR- THINE WINE!
Sir James: Hey, turn it down a bit, I prithee... hast we met before?
Whisper; I DON’T THINK SO. MOST DEFINITELY NOT IN A RECENT GAUDY CARRIAGE!
Sir James: Oh, I thank'ee.
(Exit Whisper. Sir James enters ye bathroom to wash and shave.)
Sir James: (Sings.) La la la... When thou wert young, and thine heart wast an open scroll...
(Sir James doth notice an asp, moving towards him.)
Sir James: (Unto his own self.) Think James, a weapon ist needed... now, if I can use my tobacco pipe!
(Sir James doth draw most strongly on his pipe until it glow'eth.)
Sir James: Now to expel the affliction of those foul beans!
(Sir James doth violently break wind, setting fire to it with his pipe and sending a blast of flame to kill the asp. A Teutonic voice from off yells in pleasure.)
Sir James: ‘Tis an ill wind that doth smell as sweet- alas for thee, serpent, ‘twas an undertaker's wind!
(Ye door to ye chambers doth softly open. Apace, Sir James rushes to the door and disarms a comely wench, throwing her onto the bed.)
Sir James: Lady Bond, I doth assume?
Rosie: ‘Tis true, I didst claim to be thine wife. Rosie Cheeks be mine name, and sent have I been by Lord Felix.
Sir James: Ssh.... (Sir James walks Rosie around the chambers, and displays first a cockroach, then a ladybird, then a beetle with earmuffs.)
Sir James: Careful we must be, this room ist full of bugs. Come to the bedchamber with me, lovely Rosie, for art thou not mine wife?
Rosie: Nay, Sir James, separate beds have we. (Enters a bedchamber.) Ayeee! (Runs out.) Dear Lord, what be’eth that vile, disgusting thing???
Sir James: ‘Tis naught but a present for home, I did find it in a Voodoo shoppe!
Rosie: I will be of no aid to thee, in this quest.
Sir James: Nay, thou art very lickable, er.... likable....
Rosie: Please Sir James, stay in my bed chamber with me, please!
Sir James: (Aside.) I thought the serving wench did feed me some load of bull, but this thing works!

Act 3, Scene 2. A fishing boat. Sir James enters with Rosie, and kicks ye sleeping fisherman awake.

Sir James: Come, Rosie, this eager fisherman shalt take us out to sea.
(Ye boat departs. Sir James takes a fishing rod and doth get comfortable.)
Rosie: Fisherman, where canst I change mine attire? (Ye fisherman merely looks at her.) Me... clothes off.. where?
Fisherman: Thou art not Tonto and I be not Ye Lone Ranger, beauteous maiden. There ist a club on Main Street that pays girls good money to.... (Rosie doth give the fisherman an evil look .) Thou may use mine cabin, below.
(Rosie doth go below. Whilst changing she doth open a chest to find fishing rods which transform into swords, hairbrushes that send secret messages, a medallion inscribed “Call Me Sharkey Not”, a white bikini, a parchment "Easy Strangulation Techniques with Rope and String", and a scroll labelled “Spying For Fishermen”. She doth go back up on deck carrying a sword to find ye fisherman holding a rope whilst standing behind Sir James.)
Rosie: Cry hold! Cease forthwith!
Sir James: ...Thou doth see, Quarrel? Alack, her beauty doth outweigh her talents. Rosie, pray meet mine boon companion Quarrel Junior.
Rosie: Thine pardon I crave, I might have slain thee!
Quarrel: Aye, mayhap, if thee had taken yon sword from its sheath. And pointed it ye correct way.
Sir James: I prithee, Quarrel, who dost reside in yonder house on ye shore?

Quarrel: Ah, Sir James, many a tale hath been told of yonder house, and many a tale hath sprung from yonder house. Fabulous have been the parties held there, with much partaking of strong beverages- shaken, not stirred- and fine foods, many beautiful maidens, and a host of the great and well-known – and Prime Ministers as well. ‘Tis ye house of a great and honoured bard, who did come every year from Albion to write his celebrated tales there- most wondrous tales they be, and there are those who doth say that thee and I wouldst not be here if not for him. Yon house be called SilverEye, or GoldenEar, or some such name.
Sir James: (Waiting patiently for Quarrel to finish.) Nay, the one next to it.
Quarrel: Oh, that one. It be the house of ye Kananga woman. HE ist the only one brave enough to go up there.
Sir James: Because of her powers?
Quarrel : Nay, she ist just such a bitch about everything! No shoes in the house, can't put a glass down unless it's on some doily paper, toilet seat permanently down, that sort of thing.
Sir James: Something about San Monique reminds me of the Isle of Physician Nay...?
Quarrel: We be’eth twinned with it.

Act 3, Scene 3. Up in ye hills, down there.

Rosie: ‘Tis down this road we must go, Sir James.
Sir James: But that ist down ye hill, not up.
Rosie: ‘Tis like the mountain in thine Gilded Eye adventure, no? Anyhow, thou did not complain about going down, last night!
Sir James: Still, much time do we have- thou shalt dine with me forthwith!
(A discreet interval later...)
Rosie: Oh, Sir James! Finding thee hast brought me great pleasure!
Sir James: And finding this hast brought me pleasure too, Rosie- the Queen of Cups, upside down. Thou knowest what that is?
Rosie: Spuc fo Neeuq ehT? The international symbol for not understanding the offside rule?
Sir James: Nay, it means thou art deceitful and a traitor. Thou shalt tell me all, now, lest ye be slain.
Rosie: Slay me thou couldst not, Sir James, not now after....
Sir James: Wrong, my lady, ye benefit of necrophilia is thee doth not need to bring flowers on a liaison, as they be’eth already there.
(Sir James doth raise an eyebrow. Rosie doth scream loudly at a scarecrow in gaudy clothes and green footwear, and runs off.)
Sir James: Rosie, Rosie come back! I did but jest.
Rosie: That footwear hath the mark of evil upon them! AHHHHH!!!
(An arrow slays Rosie, from where Sir James knoweth not.)

Act 3, Scene 4. Ye chambers of Solitaire.

Lord Kananga: Thee must explain to me, Solitaire. Thou didst see death in ye cards, yet Sir James doth live still.
Solitaire: 'Twas the death of Rosie I must have seen.
Lord Kananga: Thou hast made me angry with you. Ye would not like me when I be angry.....(Exits.)

(Later...)
Solitaire: Thou must put down those cards!
Sir James: Oh? I didst rather fancy a game of strip poker. You strip, and I’ll-
Solitaire: The cards will tell thee nothing, the sight is a gift given to only a few.
Sir James: ‘Tis not true- I prithee, pick a card.
Solitaire: I will... Oh! (She picks The Lovers.)
Sir James: Thou doth see?
Solitaire: Nay, I would pick another.
Sir James: As thou hast earlier said, ‘tis not best of three. Come, Solitaire....

(A discreet interval later...)
Solitaire: Sir James, since I bedded you I am greatly changed.
Sir James: Worry not. This always happens when I bed wenches.
Solitaire: But since thou took my virginity I have lost my sight!
Sir James: That’s a first, even for me. Back in my schoolboy days the nuns threatened something similar would happen to me. Trust me, 'tis not true.
Solitaire: Nay, my second sight. Though being with thee Sir James, ‘tis like I can finally see for the first time.
Sir James: It be the usual effect I have. In Albion I have the reputation of a fine oculist.
Solitaire: James, I feel like a new woman.
Sir James: Oft do I feel the same!
(Solitaire doth reach below the bed clothes, produce a banjo and begin to pluck the strings furiously.)
Sir James: WHERE didst thou have THAT!?
Solitaire: Like all great ladies I hath my secrets... # I can hardly wait to hold you, feel my arms around you, how long I have waited # ... Nonny, nonny No... #
Sir James: Halt thy playing, this be’eth an adventure not a musical. Mine fists are employed to defend precious Albion, not as a dancing troubadour's jazz hands. Although, thy fingering deserves amazement...
Solitaire: As does yours. (She winks.)
Sir James: I'm only glad 'twere not a saxophone.
Solitaire: But why ?
Sir James: Well, they do say no sax before a fight and now we must away and find just what Lord Kananga wishes to hide.
Solitaire: Ist there time before we go for lovers' lesson number eight?
Sir James: (Wearily.) Well, I'll try...

Act 3, Scene 5. Down in ye hills, up there. Solitaire doth lead Sir James to acres of poppy plants.

Sir James: Behold no mystery, Lord Kananga ist merely an opium seller! We must reveal this, let us leave this isle and let my friend deal with it.
Solitaire: Thine friend, he ist called Felix?
Sir James: ‘Tis true- thine second sight must be returning!
Solitaire: Nay, thou mentioned his name in thine sleep last night.
Sir James: Ah... yes...

Solitaire: Often.
Sir James: ..er.... did I?
Solitaire: Oh yes, in fact thou did seem very-
Sir James: Oh look, what is this over here?
(They enter a nearby hamlet to find transport. Sir James spies some of Kananga's yeomen on horseback waiting to seize them.)
Solitaire: Yonder riders, I do know them- to Lord Kananga they will take us!
Sir James: (Looks around.) Then this stagecoach we will take.
Solitaire: Nay, Sir James, this coach does not leave till noon. Cutbacks, you know.
Sir James: Methinks not. Get in, apace! Hold on Solitaire, this may get bumpy.
(Sir James uses his superior horsemanship to overcome his foes. He doth swing ye coach around to race towards the yeomen, sending them falling from their mounts, then suddenly comes across a lane with a low bridge.)
Sir James: Hell's teeth, Solitaire, why build'eth such a low bridge?
Solitaire: Thou hath taken ye yellow brick road which leads to ye Munchkin colony. ‘Tis a safe place for dwarfs and the like, there you can buy some souvenirs or even a Nick Nack!
Sir James: Get down Solitaire!
Solitaire: ‘Tis not the time for dancing...
(Sir James urges ye horse team onward, and jumps down onto ye back of a horse as it crashes against ye bridge, knocking the top of ye stagecoach off.)
Solitaire: Look Sir James, the roof hath caused the yeomen to be dismounted, and fly through the air.
1st Yeoman: Ah! You can see our house from here!
Sir James: Now to meet up with Quarrel and escape.
Solitaire: Take care, Sir James, watch out for yon man with green trai- (Thump.)
Sir James: Man with green...?
Solitaire: Never mind.

Act 4, Scene 1. A port. Sir James and Solitaire do hurry into a hired carriage and ask to be taken to a nearby hostelry...

Sir James: Driver, thee doth look familiar, and drive like a maniac.
Whisper: SURE BEATS DELIVERING DRINKS!
Solitaire: I prithee, not so loud!
(Suddenly ye doors of ye carriage lock.)
Whisper: RELAX, YEOMAN BIG WANTS A CONVERSATION WITH THEE.
(They arrive at a hot air balloon and exit ye carriage.)
Sir James: Dost thee enjoy working for an opium lord?
Whisper: OH YES, MINE LAST JOB WAS A REPLACEMENT FOR MR SNUGGLES YE CHILDREN'S CLOWN. HE WAS MUCH LOVED- MAN THOSE WERE BIG SHOES TO FILL. AND NOSE.
Sir James: Aye, nothing to be sniffed at.
Whisper: I TRIED COUNTERFEITING, BUT NEVER MADE ANY REAL MONEY. THEN I TRIED BABYSITTING, BUT HAD TROUBLE SINGING YE LULLABIES.
Sir James: I cannot imagine why...
Adam: Welcome Sir James, thou art about to learn that angels may fall from blinding heights, but thee thyself are nothing so divine!
Sir James: Just next in line?
Adam: Exactly. Today Yeoman Big ist having a clear out of old enemies, informers and mime artists, thou art number five, after that bloke pretending to push a balloon, and that living statue.
Sir James: Sensible enough.
Solitaire: I only wish I could see thine fall from grace!
(As a distraction, Solitaire doth pretend to strike Sir James, allowing him to escape and run towards a large barn. Inside, a series of strange contraptions adorn ye walls, made of wood and with membranous wings and a series of levers and pulleys.)
Sir James: Verily, surely 'tis ye latest invention of Sir Leonardo of Florence: ye Ornithopter! And soon to be put to use by Ryanair.
(He runs towards ye nearest ornithopter and espies an occupant on one side.)
Sir James: Good morrow! Thou art... (He consults a scroll.)

... Maz Kanata? ... Er, Madame Bell?

Madame Bell: And thou art not my regular instructor in ye ornithopter, Yeoman Bleeker- thou art much more handsome!
Sir James: Thou hast no chance of a spot of ding-dong, Madame Bell. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Now let me strap myself in and thy lesson shall commence.
Madame Bell: Ooh would that be a Lovers Lesson, Sir James? I be’eth very adapt with straps...
Sir James: Now behave thyself, Madame Bell. Thou must put flap thine arms mightily- given thine name we must go like the clappers!
(Adam and his henchmen approach on carriages, but ye ornithopter evades them. Carriages crash into several of ye ornithopters, causing guineas' worth of damage, as Sir James and Madame Bell enter ye barn.)
Sir James (Flapping his arms): ‘Tis surprisingly hard.
Madam Bell: Why Sir James, thine lever needs attention, let me pump it vigorously...
Sir James: My, what strong arms thou hast, Madame, I feel myself approach lift off...
(Sir James speeds ye ornithopter towards the barn doors as Adam starts to close them- as the contraption hurtles through, the tips of ye wings are clipped, but they escape. Many varlets shoot arrows at them, but to naught avail. The contraption skids to a halt and Sir James unstraps himself.)
Sir James: Shall I ring thee again, Madame Bell?

Act 4, Scene 2. Another "Piece Of Pisces" drinking house. Enter Sir James and Lord Felix.

Sir James: Art thou certain this place doth belong to Yeoman Big?
Lord Felix: 'Tis sure, Sir James. Mine colleague Yeoman Strutter hath been observing here for many moons and look, his name be’eth over ye door.
Sir James: Oft these establishments can be unwelcoming to strangers.
Lord Felix: Nay Sir James; in New Orleans, all is merriment!
(On entering ye tavern falls silent, with many looking at them.)
Sir James: I told thee, typical of a country tavern!
(The silence continues .........)
Steward: Thanks to all, for that minutes silence for our good friend Leroy. Greetings, gentlemen, I do offer thee this fine booth here?
Sir James: Nay, I prithee, seat us at a table closer to the entertainment.
Lord Felix: Why not a booth, Sir James?
Sir James: These booths are made for turning, and that's just what they'll do.
(They sit at a table and watch as a band plays "Good Morning New Orleans Town".)
Steward: What would thee sup, good sirs?
Sir James: I will have mead, let it shaken be and stir it not.
Lord Felix: Nay, steward, two Sassenachs we will have. Live a little, Sir James.
Sir James: Very well, bring a couple of Appletini's and to hell with mine diet, bring crisps and nuts aplenty!
(After a short time ye steward returns.)
Steward: Your nuts.
Sir James: Sorry, these hose again, I shall sit crossed leg.
Steward: Ist one of thee Felix, Lord of Leiter?
Lord Felix: 'Tis I, my good man.
Steward: A message from thine friend Yeoman Strutter thou must hear.
Lord Felix: Sir James, I shalt return forthwith.
(Lord Felix departs. Ye table and Sir James doth drop through ye floor, into a room below. Present are Yeoman Big, Solitaire, Tee Hee, Whisper and others.)
Sir James: You don't mind me dropping in?
Yeoman Big: Thou art one tough Oedipus to track down. Thou didst cause trouble at one "Piece Of Pisces" earlier, thence thou didst purloin this maiden from mine friend Lord Kananga.
Sir James: Thou art afraid of Lord Kananga, then?
Yeoman Big: BEST Friends Forever! Tie him to ye chair!
Whisper: YE OFFICE CHAIR, OR YE COMFY CHAIR?
Yeoman Big: We canst hear thee, Whisper! No not ye comfy chair, that's only for family and weekend guests. Use ye office chair.
Whisper: YES SIRE, AT ONCE .
Yeoman Big: Quiet, Whisper! Tee Hee, you do it. (Tee Hee doth tie Sir James to ye chair.) Now, Sir James, thou willst tell me: hast thou had knowledge of yonder maiden?
Sir James: 'Twould be ungentlemanly to answer such a question. I wouldst only tell Lord Kananga.
Yeoman Big: So, thou wish to see Kananga? Thou shalt see Kananga! (Pulls off mask.)
Sir James: Nigel Farage? Now, that I didst not expect!
Yeoman Big: Nay, nay! (Tries again.)
Sir James: John Hillerman???!!!
Yeoman Big: Certainly not! (Tries again.)
Sir James: Tom Hiddleston? Well, maybe... And canst thou do Aidan Turner as well?
Yeoman Big: Wait! (He doth make a great effort, and reveals he ist Lord Kananga.)
Sir James: Ah, thou ist Kananga! Verily, Yeoman Big and Lord Kananga art one and the same. Ne'er would I have guessed this. Nay, what a surprise! Obvious this wast not, no sirree, by jiminy. A total twist this ist-
Lord Kananga: Enough, Sir James. Now, thou shalt answer mine question.
Sir James: I think not, and I expect those crisps and nuts I ordered brought here!
Lord Kananga: Then we must see if Solitaire doth still have her special powers.
Sir James: I like many great leaders doth not believe in special powers.
Lord Kananga: ‘Tis true, she has her great knockers..... A test is needed and thou hast left me no choice. Tee Hee.... remove Sir James's shoes.
Tee Hee: Aye, sire. (Tee Hee begins to remove Sir James's tasteful brogues.)
Lord Kananga: Solitaire, I'm thinking of a number between 5 and 7, the number ist 42! Do I speak the truth? Tee Hee, prepare the chicken!
Sir James: Thou canst not make me tell thee, Lord Kananga, no matter what thou hast in mind.
Lord Kananga: We shalt see. We use chickens in many Voodoo ceremonies, the blood and entrails...
Sir James: Yes I know- used to see the future and cast spells!
Lord Kananga: Nay, for casseroles and nourishing broths! But the feathers hold a great power, no man can last long against the true horror of having their feet tickled! Ha, Ha, Ha....
Tee Hee: Great evil laugh, mine liege.
Lord Kananga: Yes, I've been working on it. So Solitaire, did I speak the truth?
Solitaire: I'm getting the sense that you're the type of person who places great value on being liked and admired. At times, you can be prone to doubting whether or not you've made the right choices in your life. You can be excessively critical of yourself. You aren't a perfect person, but for the most part, you've made up for your weaknesses. You've got a lot of potential that has not been used to your advantage yet. You're an independent thinker. To a certain degree, you need some change in your life—too many restrictions make you uncomfortable. That said, finding security is one of your main goals. There have been times when social anxiety has been a problem for you.
Tee Hee: That be’eth you to a tee, Sire!
Lord Kananga: True, I hath many layers and art a complicated person, but I'm comfortable in myself. Now, Tee Hee- take this pair of green training shoes and put them on his feet!
(Solitaire gasps in horror.)
Sir James: Nay! Not that, they simply don't match with anything!
(Tee Hee doth hit Sir James on the back of his head with the chicken, and Sir James falls unconscious.)
Lord Kananga: Whisper remove him!
Whisper: BUT TEE HEE WAS THE ONE WHO KNOCKED HIM OUT, I DON'T SEE WHY I HATH TO DO IT!
Lord Kananga: TEE HEE, ahem, Tee Hee carried the last one out, ‘tis your turn- and be not careless, Whisper.
(Whisper doth comply with his Lord's wishes, but leaves grumbling.)
Whisper: THIS BE’ETH SO UNFAIR!
Lord Kananga: Solitaire, thee weren't even close! I would hath given you love. Why think thou did I read all those books by Mills & Boon, and the shades of fifty?
Solitaire: And those nude bodybuilding parchments?
Lord Kananga: ...er.... They were to help my workout routine, but now thee art of no use to me though fortunately thou can do one last service. At ye next full moon, thou can lead our Voodoo ceremony.
Solitaire: That sounds lovely.
Lord Kananga: Many enjoy it, make a day of it in fact..... Bring the kids. On an unrelated matter hath thee ever heard the tale of "Ye Wicker Man"?
Solitaire: Nay...?
Lord Kananga: Then thee ist in for a big surprise.

Act 4, Scene 3. A carriage. Sir James ist yet unconscious.

Tee Hee: Whisper, take yon road to ye right.
Whisper: YES TEE HEE, SIR!
Tee Hee: In the name of Baron Samedi, not so loud! And careful, watch out for that man with green trainers! (Thump.)
Whisper: WHAT?
Tee Hee: Never mind. Ah, Sir James doth awaken.
Sir James: ....Felix, what didst thou put in that drink...? (Looks around.) Ah, yes, where art we?
Tee Hee: High in the mountains of Louisiana. I think thou will find this interesting, Sir James. Stop ye carriage here. (They exit ye carriage.) Look ye, Sir James, see yon small isle?
Sir James: Yon isle with a man in huge glasses playing celeste?
Tee Hee: Nay, that be the Crocodile Rock.
Sir James: I hope he ist no sacrifice.
Tee Hee: No sacrifice at all. Look ye at the isle next to it.
Sir James: Aye, it looks barren, a lifeless flat rock...... Is it Hull?
(They walk past a barn, in which opium is being produced.)
Tee Hee: We breed and train crocodiles here, for both profit and protection at Lord Kananga's LaCoste Farm, come ye and have a closer look. (They doth walk down a narrow bridge.)
Sir James: Verily, no need to get snappy.
Tee Hee: My Lord Kananga hast many such establishments, a huge country pile here, that great pile on San Monique.
Sir James: So he ist bothered with his piles then?
Tee Hee: These are mostly domesticated, obviously (Several crocodiles swim over as Tee Hee pats their heads and rubs their bellies.) knowing when it's feeding time!
(Ye crocodiles stand on their hind legs and excitedly beg for food, Tee Hee throws meat to them as he talks.)
Tee Hee: I didst get a little careless with old Barbel there, the alligator, and he took both my legs off!
(Sir James looks down at Tee Hee's legs.)
Tee Hee: ....... er....... Well, nearly!
(Suddenly Sir James realises that the bridge they were on ist retracting with Tee Hee leaving him stranded on ye little isle as the water around begins filling with more crocodiles.)
Sir James: Any advice have ye about crocodiles?
Tee Hee: Pulling out ye teeth can help, or jab a quill in their eyes....but try not to fight- they hate to play with their food, but we will talk again later when thou art dead! Ha,Ha,Ha...
Whisper: GOOD ONE TEE HEE. AND NICE LAUGH!
Tee Hee: I thank’ee, Whisper. Lord Kananga hast been helping with my evil laugh, and my Open Mike nights in the Piece Of Pisces have been going well. I might try a little satire next time- something about how men are different to women or why bad things happen to good people.
(Tee Hee and Whisper exit. Sir James looks nervously across as the crocodiles turn towards him.)
Sir James: If only the Old Wizard could have given me something for this.
(Sir James doth notice three crocodiles lying in close formation, and doth take his chance- with one mighty bound Sir James doth sprint across, jumping from one to another, till safely ashore.)
Sir James: ‘Twas lucky Yeoman Big did force me to wear these tasteless but grippy green trainers, though mine crocs would have been more stylish.
(Sir James releases ye crocodiles and doth burn down the opium barn, escaping with several of Lord Kananga's yeomen chasing. Although after inhaling ye fumes from the burning barn, many stop their pursuit and giggle...... With daring Sir James doth leap into a convenient kayak.)

Act 4, Scene 4. Down a racing river. Sir James’s kayak speeds down the fast flowing river, pursued by some of Lord Kananga's yeomen.

Tee Hee: Adam, take mine horse and cut him off at the Blades club bridge- mind to take care of my new guitar, strapped to him.
Adam: Aye, to horse! (He doth leap upon ye steed and make chase.)
(Sir James uses his naval skill to evade capture in the fast flowing water.)
Sir James: Such good sport, if a trifle extreme.
(Adam doth race along apace to catch up with Sir James, but doth pass a vigilant Sheriff waiting on law breakers.)
The Sheriff of Pepper: Wow Wee! 15 miles an hour minimum, I'll need'eth no help here!
(He spurs his steed and doth race after Adam, who dismounts and checks his concealed crossbow, in preparation for the fast approaching Albion Knight, only to be confronted by the stout sheriff.)
The Sheriff of Pepper: Thou hast a set of hooves that just won't stop, youngblood! Ten fingers on yon Fender! Nobody cuts and runs on JW, Sheriff of Pepper, and ‘tis he that addresses thee.
(Sir James approaches the bridge apace, and doth use an angled rock formation to jump over it, sending the Sheriff of Pepper rolling in the dirt. Adam makes his escape.)
Sir James: Sorry, old boy.
(One of the pursuing yeomen also makes the jump and follows Sir James, but luckily he lands badly and doth crash into a wedding celebration, sending mead and cakes flying.)
Sir James: Well, that's the icing on the cake.
(The Sheriff of Pepper rises to be greeted by his vassal.)
The Sheriff of Pepper: Tell'eth thee mine brother in law, they be moving like buttered pigs, he hath a speedy boat and can catch them, tell Billy Bob.
Vassal: Be’eth that Dr Billy Bob Pepper, of the correspondence school of forestry and fishing?
The Sheriff of Pepper: Aye. We need Dr Pepper!
(Ahead, Sir James ist quickly advancing.)
Sir James: With all this running water, I need'eth ye privy.... this tankard will have to suffice.
(Adam hath arrived at the pier of Dr Pepper and hath rendered him unconscious with a concealed chicken, then hath taken his kayak to pursue Sir James. The Sheriff doth fall off his horse as both Sir James and Adam do cross the road in front of him, to rejoin the river.)
Vassal: Art thou sure that be thine brother in law, Sheriff?
(After much crashing of boats they both arrive at a less inclined part of the river leading to a safe harbour. Adam uses his great strength to get close to Sir James and raise his crossbow. Suddenly Sir James doth throw his tankard of urine into Adam's face.)
Adam: AHHH!!!!! It stings! AHHH!!! Asparagus, uhh!! Disgusting!!
(Sir James guides Adam’s boat on a course towards a gunpowder ship at anchor. Too late for Adam to change course, they strike causing a huge explosion as Sir James paddles off, arriving at the far river bank, to see Lord Felix and several of his yeomen in attendance.)
Sir James: Greetings Lord Felix, what doth bring ye here?
Lord Felix: We hath come from the Piece Of Pisces, Lord Kananga has gone along with Solitaire! Just these cards, "Death" and "The Full Moon” were found.
(The Sheriff of Pepper enters, in much disarray and covered in dirt....)
The Sheriff of Pepper: There ist yon son of a bitch! What the Hell art thou- some sort of Domesday Book, youngblood? Some sort of SiCo? For we hath a cage strong enough to hold a varlet like thee!
Lord Felix: I prithee, Vassal, please explain to the Sheriff.
Vassal: Mine liege, Sir James ist from Albion... A sort of Albion Agent...
The Sheriff of Pepper: An Albion Agent! On which side, West of Bromwich?
Vassal: Nay, nay, mine liege, he ist an agent of discretion helping out our boys...
The Sheriff of Pepper: ‘Tis too much for me! I must leave forthwith for fairer shores... I hear Thailand ist quiet and restful...

Act 5, Scene 1. Quarrel doth steer his boat, Sir James and Lord Felix look anxiously ahead.

Lord Felix: Art thou sure this be ye correct direction, Quarrel? 'Tis very dark here.
Quarrel: I gets my navigational directions from my nose, my ears, from my instincts.
Lord Felix: ‘Tis just that we are still tied up to the dock!
Quarrel: Whoops....
(Later, at sea...)
Quarrel: Here we be! Now, put on these life jackets.
Lord Felix: Where ist thine own life jacket?
Quarrel: I did serve aboard HMS Repressed Memory.... Vessel went down in twelve minutes. Didn't see the first Jellyfish for about a half an hour. Tiger. Thirteen-incher. Very first light, jellyfish come cruisin'. So we formed ourselves into tight groups. Y'know, it's... kinda like ol' squares in a battle like, uh, you see in a calendar, and the idea was, jellyfish comes to the nearest man and that man, he'd start poundin' and hollerin' and screamin', and sometimes the jellyfish'd go away... sometimes he wouldn't go away. Y'know, that was the time I was most frightened, waitin' for my turn. One man was stung that bad he had to have lotion rubbed on for a week. I even got stung on my leg.... I'll never put on a life jacket again!
Lord Felix: Oh, I thought you might have just had two. Still never mind, worse things happen at sea. I myself doth have some experience of shark attacks, ‘twas in New York and I was a member of a gang called "The Jets" and would often be challenged to a dance off against "The Sharks". Many's a night we'd engage in close harmony singing, clicking of fingers and tight choreography! Until one Shark injured my leg in a savage pirouette duel. I'll never put on a pair of dancing pumps again!
Sir James: I see.
Lord Felix: Sir James, these gunpowder bombs will destroy the poppy fields, and then thou can kill Lord Kananga, rescue Solitaire and make thine way back here.
Sir James: Thinking about it, mayhap you and Quarrel would like to come and help me out a bit?
Quarrel and Lord Felix: Ah, nay, we be needed here, in case...er, in case Lord Kananga tries a sneak naval attack! And anyway, when thee get back thee will be hungry, so we'll have some tea and sandwiches ready.
Sir James: Then I must get ashore apace. Await my return, I prithee. (Exits.)
Quarrel: Mayhap thou wouldst like some rum, Lord Felix?
Lord Felix: Aye, I thank'ee. I'll drink to thine leg.
Quarrel: Okay, so we drink to our legs!
Lord Felix: 'Tis going to be a long wait.

(Ashore, Sir James doth secrete ye bombs in ye poppy fields then sneaks up on a strange ceremony. Baron Samedi addresses his congregation.)
Baron Samedi: Brothers and sisters, 'tis ye hour to begin ye time-honoured ritual which doth bring us together and giveth us power. Art thou ready?
All: AYE!!!
Baron Samedi: I canst not hear ye....
All: A Y E !!!
Baron Samedi: Then we shalt begin- you put your left foot in, your left foot out...
All: You put your left foot in and you shake it all about!
(Solitaire ist carried in and tied to a stake.)
Baron Samedi: Thou hast been found guilty of heresy! Thou hast been found guilty of blasphemy! Thou hast been found guilty of playing ye banjo! Hast thou anything to say before thine sentence ist carried out?
Solitaire: Ye cards were rigged! ‘Twas mine destiny! And thou shouldst be grateful ‘twas not ye accordion!
All: Amen to that!
Baron Samedi: Thine death shalt atone for thine transgress... transg... sins!
(The bombs go off, and ye congregation flees leaving only Baron Samedi.)
Sir James: (Entering.) I think it not- face me, Baron!
(Sir James frees Solitaire before engaging ye Baron in swordplay. Baron Samedi ist apparently slain, Sir James and Solitaire flee underground into a cave.)

Act 5, Scene 2. A cave.

Solitaire: I cannot see!
Sir James: I prithee, do not start all that again.
Solitaire: Nay, ‘tis dark here. Where art we going?
Sir James: I doth try to find our way to the shore, where mine friends await. Now, Solitaire, ‘tis very dangerous here, let us be silent lest ye rocks fall. Ye slightest noise could-
Whisper: CRY HOLD THERE! I HAVE THEE!
Solitaire: Thou wert saying, Sir James?
(Whisper doth bring Sir James and Solitaire to a brightly-lit room. Lord Kananga awaits.)
Lord Kananga: I have been expecting thee.
Sir James: Hm, and I didst think ‘twas Solitaire who didst see the future.
Lord Kananga: 'Twas thee who didst set fire to mine poppy fields, I have no doubt. 'Tis a mere setback, ye flowers will bloom again. But for thee, I hast something different planned....

(Sir James and Solitaire with hands tied in front of them art pushed in to a room by Whisper for an audience with Lord Kananga. Ye room hast a hole in ye centre where a geyser ist situated.)
Lord Kananga: Welcome Sir James and Solitaire, this be’eth Room Number24, although in jest Tee Hee hath named it "Ye Olde Geezer's room".
Sir James: Funny how the least little thing amuses him!
(Whisper brings forth a meat hook then hooks it through Sir James and Solitaire's bindings, and with block and tackle doth begin to raise them off the floor.)
Sir James: Be’eth this thy torture chamber?
Lord Kananga: Nay! ‘Tis a treatment room in my chain of Dr Kananga's spoil yourself spas! Ye hot mud doth aid weight loss, at much lower temperatures of course. Some jockeys swear by it........

(At sea, Lord Felix and Quarrel await Sir James's return ....)
Quarrel: Where in Hell can d'man be?
Lord Felix: Relax, I be certain he ist not hanging about somewhere.
Quarrel: That ist not what worries me, just look at all these sandwiches, they'll never stay fresh, and I be not happy with mine buffet or finger food display.
Lord Felix: Be not annoyed, if past their best it be’eth Sir James's fault for tarrying.

(In the Lord Kananga's geyser room....)
Lord Kananga: Thee will be receiving this at full temperature! Enough to boil the flesh from your bones! And I will watch it all as my nights entertainment. Whisper, tie them off, I can feel the rumble below.
Whisper: YOUR OLD BOWELS AGAIN SIRE? THEE ARE A MARTYR TO THEM.
Lord Kananga: SILENCE Whisper, they need not know my business!
(During this distraction Sir James maketh his move....)
Sir James: Be not alarmed Solitaire, I need to put my legs around thy waist, to try and rise a few inches.
Solitaire: Not so modest Sir James, from memory ‘tis more than a few inches, but this be not the place for such intimacy.
Sir James: Nay, I need elevating.
Solitaire: Mayhap if my hands were free I could.....
Sir James: Nay! I need to rise to release my Bonds from this hook .
(Heroically Sir James frees himself and swings down to confront Whisper, who doth produce a dagger and spring at Sir James, who doth pirouette to avoid the sharper than a serpents tooth blade.)
Sir James: Ah! Those dance lessons Lord Felix did teach me hath proven even more useful .
(Sir James doth quickly remember a summer in the mountains when both he and Lord Felix had to entertain their companions with a dance routine. With Lord Felix dressed all in black as Sir James ran and jumped into his arms, as Lord Felix lifted him high...... No one puts Felix in a corner!)
Sir James: Mind if I borrow this?
(Sir James doth run his Bonds across the blade, at last freeing his hands, and a quick back punch with his elbow sends Whisper falling in to a luggage trunk which Sir James quickly locks. As he cuts the rope holding Solitaire Lord Kananga doth attack. They do battle for a time, until Sir James gets the upper hand and sends the villain sliding across the floor, only to see Lord Kananga's bottom become stuck in ye hole in the centre of ye room, as louder rumbling begins.)
Sir James: Solitaire, come with me, we need to find some protection.
Solitaire: ‘Tis always sex with thee, is it not!
(Sir James doth pull Solitaire close to him, as they move behind Lord Kananga's throne. Sir James watches as Lord Kananga begins sweating and the great heat attacking his rear doth cause him to swell up and up till with a large "plopping" sound, the pressure from the geyser sends his bloated body apace to the roof where on contact it doth explode into many pieces!)
Sir James: I thought things were about to boil over.
Solitaire: Making mud pies, Naught Naught Seven.......? Where ist the Lord Kananga?
Sir James: Oh, he went to pieces! Come, let us take our leave of this place.

Act 5, Scene 3. A waystation. Lord Felix doth bid goodbye to Sir James and Solitaire.

Sir James: So, farewell again, Lord Felix, I thank’ee for thine help once again.
Lord Felix: When thou hast a job to do, thou hast to do it well.
Solitaire: Till later, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: ‘Tis a long journey, I doth hope thee shalt not be bored.
Sir James: Nay, ‘twill not be a problem. Solitaire hast, er, brought her cards.
Solitaire: Cards. Aye. Mine cards...

(Later...)
Sir James: ‘Tis time for bed, mine sweet, let me prepare.
(Sir James doth open his suitcase to find Tee Hee hiding within. Apace, Tee Hee doth lock Solitaire into ye suitcase and face Sir James.)
Tee Hee: Thou art surprised to see me, Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, surprised I am at how fast thou canst move for a man with no legs.
(They do battle, and Tee Hee ist thrown from ye carriage. Sir James releases Solitaire from ye suitcase.)
Solitaire: Hast he gone?
Sir James: He wast on his last legs. But I do hope we have not disturbed ye driver.
Driver: (Off.) NO, I AM FINE!!!

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Thunderpussy, Barbel, Charmed & Dangerous, Number 24

Barbel · February 2017

Act 1, Scene 1. (An island. A short man greets a varlet)

Jeff Geff: To earn thine gold, thou must tarry in here for mine master. Only half dost thou receive henceforth.
Varlet: Most assuredly. I wouldst hate to be short-changed, or receive a shortfall in mine payment.
Jeff Geff: My master will arrive in short order.
(Jeff Geff exits. Enter Count Scaramanga singing https://youtu.be/T9MuEA2eF8c to be startled by ye varlet.)
Varlet: Prepare to meet thine doom, Count Scaramanga.
Count Scaramanga: Oh? Perchance thou dost carry a crucifix?
Varlet: A crucifix? And what's that Wicker Man outside for?
Count Scaramanga: Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing.
(Count Scaramanga whips out a crossbow covered with gold and ye varlet is slain. Jeff Geff re-enters)
Count Scaramanga: Not a man who could cheat death.
Jeff Geff: He was the best, so far.
Count Scaramanga: Aye, but still not as good as me- I be'eth the best of the best!
Jeff Geff: What of yon British Knight, thou hast drawings, etchings, parchments of his adventures, and joined yon postal forum "Absolutely Sir James Bond" sending letters off every month, keeping sticker albums ....... is he not as good?
Count Scaramanga: Nay, he be an amateur, I be'eth a professional. If he were ever to face me, with nothing but the night to hide in, he'd know the taste of fear and scream and scream again!
(Ye Count turns quickly, shooting an arrow in to a likeness of Sir James Bond.)
Jeff Geff: AAAAHHHH!!!! That be'eth a collectable, sire!!!
Count Scaramanga: Fear not, ‘twas out of its box and I hath another in mint condition.

Intermission. Maidens gambol in water. A Scotswoman sings.

Act 2, Scene 1. (The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.)

Sir Miles: Knowest ye of Count Scaramanga, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: The yeoman with the gilded crossbow he be. His ransom is one million pieces of gold, furthermore his arrows are gilded. Also he has three of that which other men have but two.
Sir Miles: To my throne room has been messenger’d this gilded arrow with thine number upon it.
Sir James: For my death, none would pay one million piece of gold.
Sir Miles: Cutters of cloth in anger, cookers of meat in shame, cuckolded husbands in rage, many there be!
Sir James: I beg thee, wherefore hast he this arrow sent?

William of Tanner: To strike fear into thine heart.
Man Of No Consequence: Here I stand, with nothing material to impart.
Sir Miles: Thou art granted days of leisure, Naught Naught Seven, since Count Scaramanga is unknown to thee.
Sir James: Mayhap first shall he be found by me.
Sir Miles: A dramatic change this would bring.
Moneypenny: I shall guide thee to that place where Naught Naught Two was slain.
Sir James: Better than an abacus thou most surely ist.
Moneypenny: In myriad ways be I better than an abacus, Sir James, yet advantage of these ways thou hast never taken. Now- Fairbanks!
Sir James: ?:) Ye township in Alaska?
Moneypenny: Nay!
Sir James: Ye famous swordsman?

Moneypenny: Nay, nay- Bill Fairbanks! To Beirut thou must go forthwith.

Act 2, Scene 2. (An exotic drinking place. A band plays "Good Morning Beirut Town" as a belly dancer entertains. Sir James watches ye lady happily while a fat man sitting behind watches him, unhappily.)

Sir James: What a magnificent abdomen! Methinks 'twill bear further investigation.
(Sir James follows ye dancer to her dressing room when she ends her act. Unbeknownest to him, he ist followed by ye fat man and two varlets.)
Dancer: Hail to thee, most handsome stranger.
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond and you speak'eth truly, I be'eth gorgeous! You dance magnificently.
Dancer: Thank’ee kindly good sir. My dance of the seven veils usually goes down much better- there wast much clapping when veils one to six came off, but silence with number seven.
Sir James: A compliment, fair maid, as 'tis hard to applaud with but one hand free. Thou art Saida?
Saida: Aye, 'tis true.
Sir James: 'Tis my belief we did have a mutual friend: Fairbanks?
Saida: Ye township in Alaska?
Sir James: Nay!
Saida: Ye famous swordsman?
Sir James: Nay, nay- Bill Fairbanks!
Saida: Hmm, a bell that name doth not ring.
Sir James: You were lovers, making the beast with two backs?
Saida: Oh that Bill! Aye, ‘twas a terrible night .
Sir James: He was assassinated?
Saida: Not just that, ye meal wasn't great and the mead wasn't the best quality. The show we watched was quite lacklustre. Oh, and I broke a nail!
Sir James: You poor thing! The constables found no evidence of any gilded arrow, though.
Saida: I took the arrowhead as a souvenir, ‘tis only little. Now I never dance without it. I call'eth it my little head!
Sir James: That's a charm. Saida, wouldst thee give me a little head?
Saida: I usually only do'eth that after the show!
Sir James: Later perhaps, but I desire your lucky charm...
Saida: (In an Irish accent.) They all be after me lucky charms!
Sir James: A little culturally insensitive, perhaps, but funny nonetheless.
(Sir James begins to kiss Saida, moving lower to her abdomen to more closely spy the arrowhead, when suddenly the fat man and his varlets enter, attacking Sir James. A fight ensues with Sir James being victorious, though having swallowed the arrowhead.)
Sir James: ‘Twould seem thine fan club is jealous.
Saida: Oh no, I've lost my head!
Sir James: Well not being British, you foreigners do tend to be quite excitable. Or so says Lord Farage of Brexit...
(Sir James doth brexit, er, exit entering on an alleyway and calling a carriage.)
Driver: A local bawdy tavern?
Sir James: Nay, carriage driver, to the nearest apothecary.
Driver: Ah, thee has already been to a bawdy tavern!

Act 2, Scene 3. (Ye Old Wizard’s Lair.)

Sir James: I prithee, bend an eye to this gilded arrowhead.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. This arrowhead from the east most surely doth come, fashioned with most surpassing skill and a lack of nickel.

Man Of No Consequence: I stand here again, for no reason that is apparent.
Sir James: Old Wizard, I entreat thee to give me three of that which other men have but two.
Old Wizard: Verily, Naught Naught Seven!
Sir James: And what ist this here, I prithee?
Old Wizard: 'Tis merely for keeping mine wine fresh.
Sir James: Wine? Surely thou doth jest!
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my cork, Naught Naught Seven.

Act 2, Scene 3. (A gunsmith’s workshop.)

Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Gunsmith: Thine renown is thine vanguard, Sir James, great honour by your visit thou hast caused.
Sir James: Tell me, gunsmith, arrows in gold canst thou furnish?
Gunsmith: This most surely have I done.
Sir James: Tell me of whom thou doth speak, I prithee.
Gunsmith: Nay, Sir James, as with a priest with a penitent I can not speak.
Sir James: I seek the yeoman with the gilded crossbow.
Gunsmith: Ah, no-one can catch him.
Sir James: And no hitman can match him. Now, tell me where to find him or thy piece shall be held by thee for eternity.
Gunsmith: And shalt I be paid for this information?
Sir James: Perhaps later- I do have a licence to bill.

Act 3, Scene 1. (A boudoir. A maid finishes her ablutions.)

Sir James: Take care, milady, bathrooms can be a dangerous place- just ask Lord Pistorius!
Lady Andrea: For what reason art thou here?
Sir James: I seek Count Scaramanga, the yeoman with the gilded crossbow. Impart unto me how I shall know him.
Lady Andrea: He hath a powerful weapon, he doth charge a million a shot.
Sir James: Nay, what does he look like?
Lady Andrea: Dark he be, and exceeding tall as a green shod German. He doth hate garlic, does not like ye sun, in a looking-glass he casts no reflection.
Sir James: No reflection?
Lady Andrea: On reflection... Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing.
Sir James: Tall and dark be also Charmain, the sister of my father. More must I know.
Lady Andrea: He has three of that which other men have but two.
Sir James: Legs? Most odd!
Lady Andrea: Nay, oval in shape.
Sir James: Eyes? Explains his dislike of the sun and his marksmanship!
Lady Andrea: Nay, he hath three.... (Points to her bosom.)
Sir James: He doth wear a pair of comedy devil's dumplings?
Lady Andrea: Oh, Hell's breath, he hath three nipples!!!
Sir James: Desist thy bawdy tavern language, I be'eth a Gentleman. ‘Tis a titillating titbit, though useless unless Scaramanga is a disrobing tavern wench...... He's not is he? When he ist not assassinating people? For a bit of money on the side?
Lady Andrea: Nay, that time was just a one off, he'd been drinking and many didn't like the whole three nipples thing- but I know he has a liaison at a club this eve.
Sir James: Which one?
Lady Andrea: ‘Tis opposite ye Nikon sketch parchment workshop. Used to be a teeth whitening apothecary called "Cheeks Apart" but now be'eth a place of revelry known as “The Arse Rise”... or, sorry, it be ye “Bottoms Up” club.
Sir James: Does it take new members?
Lady Andrea: There's an entrance at the back, ‘tis a bit tight but they should be able to fit you in.
Sir James: Then I too shall be in attendance. Now let us drink of this fine mead!
Lady Andrea: Bottoms up?
Sir James: I thought you'd never ask.

Act 3, Scene 2. (Outside ye Bottoms Up Club. Sir James skulks in ye shadows.)

Sir James: Hmm, one trusts Count Scaramanga will turn up soon and not be'eth a fly by night character. Lady Andrea did say'eth he was more a night person.
(Sir James lights a cigar, recently brought back from across the sea by Sir Walter Raleigh. A short man passes by and smiles up at him. Sir James spies two men leaving ye club- suddenly a tall figure leaps out and fires a golden arrow at one of ye men, slaying him, then disappears into ye shadows. Sir James draws his sword and runs over and ye surviving man addresses him.)
Man: Cry hold! Give me thine sword!
(Sir James reluctantly hands over his sword as two constables approach.)
Sir James: If thou willst take ye opportunity to examine yon sword, thou willst see that it hast not drawn blood.
Man: Thou canst tell thine story to ye constables. Hey, you, cease forthwith!
(Ye short man steps away from ye body. Sir James notes that ye man with the sword is most fashionably dressed.)
Man: Look ye upon mine credentials, I be a lieutenant with ye local constabulary.
Sir James: And a very hip one, too.
Hip: Thou shalt come with us forthwith- mount the Constabulary carriage.
(They exit.)

(Ye hip lieutenant and his men lead Sir James to a harbour.)
Hip: Here we are. Jump down, Sir James!
Sir James: What? There is no boat there!
Hip: Jump!
Sir James: Show me thine credentials again!
Hip: Soon, now JUMP DOWN!
Sir James: What? Art thou going to drown me?
Hip: Jump!
(Hip waves his sword. Sir James and ye constables jump into ye water, followed by ye lieutenant.)
Sir James: (Splutters.) Mine tailor’s heart will be broken.
Hip: Swim this way!
Sir James: Nay, I prefer the breast stroke....
(Sir James ist led to an upturned canoe.)
Hip: Now, get under yon canoe.
Sir James: Art thou serious?
Hip: Now!
(Sir James and ye lieutenant swim under ye canoe. Ye two constables swim off.)

(Under ye canoe. All ist dark.)
Sir James: (Paddling to keep afloat.) And now, what doth happen?
Hip: Thou shalt see.
(A candle ist lit. Sir James can now see Sir Miles and ye Old Wizard, hiding under ye canoe and paddling furiously.)
Sir Miles: ‘Tis our most secret hiding place, Naught Naught Seven, for here we cannot be heard by anyone.
Sir James: A new slant on a certain creek without a paddle, sire? Bit of a moisture problem, I'd suggest!
Sir Miles: Keeps ye fit, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: I must report, sire, that Count Scaramanga doth not wish to slay me. Tonight, he did slay a man at ye Bottoms Up club.
Old Wizard: ‘Twas Apothecary Gibson, Naught Naught Seven, he didst have a secret method for creating lutes with much loudness which he was willing to trade with us for.
Sir Miles: And now we be left with a useless corpse and no leads.
Sir James: For sure, though such leads will not be invented for many centuries to come. I do believe-
Old Wizard: Ow!
Sir James: Art thou all right, Old Wizard?
Old Wizard: All is in order, I did merely burn my finger upon this candle.
Sir James: Surely thou doth jest?
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my wick, Naught Naught Seven.
Hip: Gibson did mention a man named Hai Fat.
Sir James: There be'eth one chance sire. Whomever paid Count Scaramanga must be able to afford the fee for his services, like Hai Fat? If we could arrange a meeting, to see what occurs...
Sir Miles: From now on, Naught Naught Seven, thou shalt take Good Knight with thee upon thine quest.
Sir James: (Reluctantly.) Aye, mine liege. Old Wizard, hast thou fulfilled mine request to give me three of that which other men have but two?
Old Wizard: I do try to keep abreast of things, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: I thank ye, have it sent to my boarding house. At least we now hath a plan of action and be'eth no longer just treading water.

Act 3, Scene 3. (A walled garden, a figure approaches. ‘Tis Sir James .....)

Sir James: So much topiary by George. Bush everywhere.
(A maiden swims in a nearby pool.)
Maiden: Hello, fair Knight.
Sir James: Thou shalt find, maid, that I can be an exceptional Knight, and how be'eth thou known?
Chew Mee: Chew Mee!
Sir James: Chew Yu?
Chew Mee: Nay that be'eth my sister. I be'eth the Gardner.
Sir James: Gardner, eh...?

Sir James: Hmm... for special services I do have thee in mind.
Chew Mee: My sister helps keep my bush in order.
Sir James: I hath been admiring the bush display since I arrived. I hath a great interest in many Lady Gardens.
(Chew Yu enters with gardening tool...)
Chew Yu: I hath just finished trimming that Brazilian bush, it now be'eth as clean as a whistle.
Chew Mee: Good, ye master was going to tear a strip off us about that.
Chew Yu: Good sir, have you any use for a well-used hoe?
(Sir James turns with eyebrow raised to audience!)
Sir James: ....perhaps later. I have come to talk with thine master, on a matter of business.
Voice: (Off.) Who art thou, why are you here?
(A short, portly man enters.)
Sir James: Hai Fat?
Hai Fat: Hi to you also, stranger. What ist thy business here?
(Sir James removes his doublet.)
Chew Mee: Look, Yu, he hast three of that which other men have but two!
(Chew Yu and Chew Mee titter.)
Hai Fat: Chew Mee, Chew Yu, leave us now! And take thine hairy tobacco chewing sister with you.
Chew Mee: Aye, master. Come, Chew Bacca.
Chew Bacca: Aaarrgh!
Chew Yu: Boy, you said it, Chewie.
(Ye maidens depart, giggling.)
Hai Fat: Thine abnormality ist considered a sign of great sexual potency, Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis true- many will testify to that!
Hai Fat: I did not expect to meet thee like this. Why hast thou come here?
Sir James: I have come to warn ye of he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Hai Fat: Ne'er hast I heard of this gentleman. But perhaps thou will call tonight, for dinner, and explain more.
(Exit Sir James. Hai Fat doth walk casually over to a bush behind which stands Count Scaramanga reading a list of local bloodbanks inscribed "With love from Van Helsing".)
Hai Fat: Thou hast heard?
Count Scaramanga: Aye, 'tis he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Hai Fat: This be'eth mine mausoleum in which I will be laid, when Chew Mee finishes gardening. This be'eth mine office in which I shalt get laid with Chew Yu after cleaning her tools. So a useful, happy nightlife I have ahead of me, and I do not intend to let Sir James Bond shorten it.

(Later that night...)
Sir James: Thou may know me as Count Scaramanga, I am expected.
Gatekeeper: I shalt just check ye list.... um..... ok........ (Ye guard looks at Sir James's footwear and reads from ye list.) .... “no trainers, especially green ones”.... so... you're OK, go in. Just keep this wrist band on. It gets you one free mead.
(Sir James walks through ye garden and ist knocked unconscious by Jeff Geff, disguised as a statue.)
Hai Fat: Do not slay him here- take Sir James to school..............

Act 4, Scene 1. (Sir James lies asleep, being softly washed by beauteous maidens.)

Sir James: Zzzzz... oh 'tis wonderful... 'tis heaven, Felix... (Awakens.) Ah, I see...
(Looking about, Sir James realises he ist in some sort of fighting school. A master stands in front of ye students.)
Fighting Master: First rule of fight school?
Student: We don't talk of fight school!
(An arrow flies straight, killing ye student.)
Fighting Master: Look well, that ist how serious we are about that rule...... that, and always washing your feet before lessons.
(A gong ist struck.)
Sir James: Time for afternoon tea, perhaps...?
(Ye Fighting Master slowly shakes his head as the students line up either side of the floor. Sir James ist bidden to stand in ye centre.)
Sir James: ...or maybe ballet lessons?
Master: Tula.
(One of ye students emerges to face Sir James. A beautiful woman ....)
Master: Apologies, wrong Tula. (Another student steps forward.)
Tula: So sorry my English not good, but it is tradition to "dis" each other before fighting. So... Britain has terrible food, too many jokes about bodily functions and a weak manufacturing infrastructure.
Sir James: Bit harsh... How very dare you sir! British cuisine ist ye talk of ye world, and bodily function jokes IS our culture! Thou art right about the other bit, though.
Tula: If thee had a foster brother, he'd be an evil genius, who ‘twould not wear stockings on his feet!
Sir James: Thou go too far sir.... Have at thee!
Tula: Now no more insults, ‘tis time to lick your ass!
Sir James: Kick, ‘tis kick mine ass.
Tula: You soon find out, I fight dirty!
Master: Play ye traditional fight school music.
https://youtu.be/jhUkGIsKvn0
(Tula and Sir James do battle until Sir James looks defeated.....)
Sir James: (Aside.) I must not lose; I shall deploy my most deadly move.
(Sir James doth lick his finger and stick it in Tula's ear!)
Tula: Ah! That be'eth disgusting- not cool! (He doth release Sir James, to wipe his ear.)
("With one mighty bound...." Sir James crashes through a window to freedom, landing by one of those staggering coincidences with which he is familiar in front of a carriage driven by ye hip lieutenant. In back of yon carriage sit two young maidens.)
Hip: Sir James, over here!
Sir James: I prithee, how didst thee know I was here?
Hip: Hai Fat owns this place.
Sir James: Hai Fat ist a millionaire businessman, he doth own dozens of places.
Hip: Also there be'eth a sign for today’s fight "Sir James Bond vs Tula 2pm" .... "Tomorrow: Demolition carriage racing ... bring thy kids."
Sir James: But no matter, look ye over there!
(From ye school many students pour out, heading to Sir James and company. Ye two maidens exit ye car and roll their sleeves up.)
Sir James: Stand ye back, maidens.
(With a contemptuous look ye maidens shove Sir James behind them to begin ferociously attacking using forearm smashes and head-butts. They doth make short work of a superior number of young men.)
Hip: Forgot to tell thee- they be'eth from Glasgow!
Sir James: Ah, for a moment I thought they might be extreme feminists.
(Ye Fighting Master emerges from ye school with a bunch of older, more experienced students.)
Hip: Apace, back to ye carriage! The girls hath seen a shoe sale, and I too need to be away, as I be an Uber carriage driver at night.
(He and ye maidens leap into ye carriage and inexplicably drive off, leaving Sir James running furiously behind them.)
Sir James: Hey, come back! What kind of rescue d'ye call this??!!
(Quickly he runs to ye canal running alongside and casts off in a small boat. The students commandeer two other boats and follow.)
Sir James: Gadzooks, they are catching up! If only I had picked a boat with two oars!
(From ye shore a tourist from ye colonies across ye sea watches curiously, as he tries to recall where he hath seen Sir James before. Meanwhile, a young boy swims up and joins Sir James in his boat.)
Boy: I be selling this beautiful model of an elephant, a bargain for only 100 baht!
(Sir James looks behind him at the approaching fight students.)
Boy: You are a very handsome man..... 40 baht!
Sir James: You speak the truth as I am indeed gorgeous, but I need an oar.
Boy: My older sister hath some reasonable rates and....
Sir James: Nay, an OAR! I'd pay 20,000 baht for one.
Boy: Like this one here, under thine seat...? Oh, 20,000 baht!
Sir James: The gods be praised! Sorry sonny, I willst have to owe you!
(Sir James pushes the boy in ye water as he moves on apace...)
Boy: Bloody tourists!
(Moving with greater speed, Sir James pulls ahead but splashes water on ye tourist, who ist none other than The Sheriff Of Pepper.)
Sheriff: Take care, varlet! If thou wert in mine territory I wouldst have thee arrested.
Sheriff's Wife: Look ye at these wonderful carved elephants, JW, I wouldst have one forthwith.
Sheriff: Nay, 'tis not worth 20,000 baht.
(On ye canal, Sir James steers his boat straight through ye middle of the pursuing boat then calmly makes off. Ye Sheriff looks after him thoughtfully...)

Act 4, Scene 2. (A tavern where local maids dance. Sir James enters to meet the lady Good Knight.)

Sir James: I apologise for being late Good Knight, these water "Bourne" carriages can really "Screw" with you.
(A waiter approaches with wine.)
Sir James: Phu Yuck!?!
Waiter: 74 percent proof. Made by the Monks of Phu Yuck abbey, 'tis a tonic wine. Their sister abbey make'eth Buckfast.
Sir James: Doth ye monks drink it?
Waiter: Sadly most of the monks art now blind, with shaking hands and little in hand to eye coordination.... so yes, they do drink it, lots of it!
Sir James: Then I approve, pour two tankards. That be’eth a beautiful frock, Good Knight.
Good Knight: This old thing? ‘Tis standard equipment, but I added all my own touches.
Sir James: Go on.
Good Knight: I had a local tailor add the shoulder pads, with gold aiguillettes with little models of the fleet flagship, and tasteful embroidery of the sailors ravishing local maids in a stem stitch to keep the nautical theme and finished off with this hat featuring a brace of pigeons in a gilded cage.
Sir James: I think all eyes must be on you right now.
Good Knight: Because of my dress Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, you still have some lavy paper on the heel of your shoe. Be those pigeons purely decorative?
Good Knight: Nay, the Old Wizard hath two homing pigeons reside within.
Sir James: Momentoque temporis futuri huic.
Good Knight: Sorry, I don't speak Spanish.
Sir James: "To this moment and the one yet to come". We work for our country but seldom have time for ourselves, so why not tonight? Should we spend'eth it together to give us at least a Quantum of Solace?
Good Knight: That be'eth a tempting offer, Sir James, but tonight I think thou will be’eth the...."One Yet To Come " ...... goodnight.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) Goodnight, Good Knight.

(Later, in ye chambers of Sir James. Enter Good Knight.)
Sir James: Good Knight! I didst think thou did decline mine offer.
Good Knight: I am weak. Tell me of thy love, Sir James. You be'eth just so much Man!
Sir James: ‘Tis true, many have said so but ‘tis most passing strange, I didst expect not the unexpected though guided I have been.
Good Knight: What art thou thinking of, Sir James?
Sir James: Worry not- women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
(Enter Lady Andrea. Good Knight hides behind the arras.)
Sir James: Fancy meeting you here, Lady Andrea.

Lady Andrea: To me thou must grant a boon, Sir James, I seek the death of Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Though thine lover he be?
Lady Andrea: He doth love me only when his duty is nigh. As his duty ist only performed once or twice a year, I'm not getting as much as you'd think.
Sir James: His duty ist that of assassin, I fancy.
Lady Andrea: Ah! Thee fancy him too, understandable as he keeps a likeness of you.
Sir James: A likeness of me? For what intent?
Lady Andrea: He thinks you have an equal skill to his own. I've oft times felt his ardour.
Sir James: (Raising an eyebrow.) I'm sure you have. So now my ardour is to be felt?
Lady Andrea: If thou wish'est. ‘Twas I who did send the gilded arrow, and I am not unattractive.
Sir James: Most tardy have I been on the uptake.
(They embrace as Sir James extinguishes a candle.... Later Sir James awakes Good Knight.)
Sir James: Arise, Good Knight.
Good Knight: Sir James! How long be'eth I in hiding?
Sir James: Given foreplay and my very best act of love, I'd guess, oh, at least ten or fifteen minutes. But be of Good Heart Good Knight, as thine time will come'est, I promise thee.

Act 5, Scene 1. (A foreign place of sport. Sir James enters and sits beside Lady Andrea.)

Sir James: I have come as bidden, Lady Andrea. (He notices she ist slain.) Shot through the heart ? .......(Enter Count Scaramanga.) and you're to blame, you'll give love a bad name!
Count Scaramanga: A most difficult shot, but I am pleased- look'eth upon mine score.
(A group of peasants hold up score cards.)
Sir James: Three tens and a nine... impressive.
Count Scaramanga: With a gilded arrow have I killed ye lady, Sir James, for two masters a mistress cannot serve. I am Count Scaramanga. I bid thee welcome.
Sir James: Thou hast made a mistake.
Count Scaramanga: (Alarmed.) Stake? Wherefore ist this stake....? Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing. I have no quarrel with thee, Sir James, try not to follow me when I leave. It wouldst displease my manservant!
(Sir James doth lower his gaze.)
Count Scaramanga: Nay, look'eth behind.
Sir James: I'd rather you t'would keep thine manservant away from my behind!
(Sir James looks to see a familiar short varlet with a dagger.)

Jeff Geff: This be personal Sir James, earlier thee did push my nephew in to a canal! I warn thee, I am not happy.
Sir James: Which one art thee then? Grumpy?
(Exit Count Scaramanga, followed by Jeff Geff.)

Act 5, Scene 2. (Outside ye place of sport, Sir James emerges in time to see Count Scaramanga thrust Good Knight into ye back of his carriage. Quickly, Sir James commandeers a nearby carriage.)

The Sheriff Of Pepper: Display to me this carriage, youngblood.
Sir James: Indeed I shall.
The Sheriff of Pepper: Thee I doth knowest. (Sir James groans.) Thou be yon English agent of discretion, from England thou dost hail.
Sir James: Most surely I am, youngblood.
The Sheriff Of Pepper: Who art we chasing?
Sir James: Yon black carriage, with bat wings and ye upside-down crucifix.
The Sheriff Of Pepper: Have a care, watch out for yon green-shod man. (Thump.)
Green Shod Man: (Off.) Verdammt Amerikaner!
Sir James: No matter.
(Sir James and ye Sheriff watch in astonishment as the bat wings unfold and Count Scaramanga's carriage takes to the air.)
Sheriff: Woh-ee! Never have I seen that before!
Sir James: (Disappointed.) Neither have I, actually.

Act 6, Scene 1. (An island. Sir James arrives at an old castle, to be greeted by the Count himself as some wolves begin howling... )

Sir James: A bit off the beaten track, is it not?
Count Scaramanga: Quiet, children of the night!
(Sir James turns.......)
Sir James: SIT!!!!!!
(Ye wolves fall silent.)
Count Scaramanga: I bid thee welcome, Sir James. The wolves guard mine castle, but can be loud.
Sir James: Well, we all have our cross to bear.
Count Scaramanga: (Alarmed.) Cross??? Where ist this cross? Oh, right, I see. Tell me, Sir James, perchance dost thou carry garlic?
Sir James: Garlic?
Count Scaramanga: Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing. Dine with us, Sir James.
Sir James: But of course.
(They retire to Count Scaramanga’s dining room, where they are joined by Good Knight.)
Count Scaramanga: Would you care for some broccoli?
Sir James: Aye, always broccoli.
Count Scaramanga: And perhaps herb salt, celery salt, sea salt?
Sir James: No salts, man. Not any more.
Count Scaramanga: As thou will, son.
Sir James: Thou art undeniably the man with the golden pun.
Count Scaramanga: I thank'ee, a good pun is its own reword. Here, have some Phuyuck.
Sir James: Won't ye join me? (Sips.) Um! Slightly reminiscent of carriage brake fluid.
Count Scaramanga: Nay, I never drink... wine. A toast, Sir James, the best we are!
Sir James: Thine word hath four letters, as with another word of much use with which replete thou doth be.
Good Knight: On this island forever I could stay.
Sir James: (Aside.) I intend to get you off...
Good Knight: Oh, I'll move my chair a little closer Sir James.
Count Scaramanga: Please enjoy the repast Jeff Geff hath prepared for us: Blood Pudding, and from our local bull ring, a brace of roasted bulls balls!
Sir James: I hath had this meal before but the balls were much bigger?
Count Scaramanga: Ah, but sometimes the bull wins the fight! To a duel I thee challenge!
Good Knight: That be'eth not fair, I doubt I would'st be any match for....
Count Scaramanga: I was addressing Sir James.
Sir James: A duel is't usually between two gentlemen...... So I willst lower my standards and agree!
(They duel. Count Scaramanga is slain by a wooden model of Sir Roger Moore. Or mayhap the real one, hard to tell it doth always be.)

Act 6, Scene 3. Still another boudoir.

Good Knight: Oh, Sir James, I did believe this moment cometh not!
Sir James: I think'eth you willst have no fear of "Cometh Not" ...
(They embrace.)
Sir James: Good night, Good Knight. No need to fear.

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return)

Barbel, Thunderpussy

Barbel · February 2017

Ye Agent Of Discretion Who Held Me In Great Affection

Act 1, Scene 1. In a cabin Sir James ist entertaining a young maiden.

Maiden: Sir James, I cannot find'eth the words.
Sir James: Then do let me try'eth and enlarge thine vocabulary.
(An arrow strikes a beam above Sir James's head. He reads from the attached parchment...)
Sir James: I must withdraw at once, something big has arisen.
Maiden: ‘Tis true Sir James, thou art like a mighty stallion-
Sir James: Nay, not that- I must away.
Maiden: Not in those garishly coloured robes, I do hope?
Sir James: Well, I got rid of those green trainers - but verily these are mine family colours. The yellow, a sign of the bananas we doth Universally Export throughout the Realm, with the red backpack matching mine eyes the morning after six Vespers! Willst thou ever stop complaining?
Maiden: But Sir James, I need'eth thee!
Sir James: So dos't the realm that is England!
(Sir James departs, as the maiden signals from a window to a bunch of knaves, who attack Sir James but he easily dispatches them and jumps to his ship displaying a large Union Jack.)
A watching Jack-Tar: Nobody dos't better.

(Intermission. Maidens dance around a cardboard cutout of Sir Roger Moore- or mayhap the real one, ‘tis always hard to tell. A woman from across the sea sings.)

Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Sir James: With all speed hast I answered thine summons, mine liege.
Sir Miles: And thine presence be sorely required, Naught Naught Seven, for an utmost calamity hast transpired. I wouldst call on Admiral Hargreaves to elucidate.
Admiral Hargreaves: I thank’ee, Sir Miles. Greetings, Naught Naught Seven- thine service was on the Mary Rose, was it not?
Sir James: Aye, sire.
Admiral Hargreaves: Naught Naught Seven, one of Her Majesty’s warships hast disappeared whilst at sea. No clue have we to this, and ‘tis most vital that her whereabouts are speedily ascertained.
Sir James: And was the course of yon ship known to many?
Admiral Hargreaves: Nay, only to myself, my assistant Captain Hilary Bray, and the ship’s captain, Captain Talbot.
Sir Miles: I thank’ee, Admiral, and prithee allow me some words in confidence with mine bondsman.
Admiral Hargreaves: As you wish, Sir Miles. By the by... nice office thou hast. (Exits.)
Sir Miles: To far Egypt thou must travel, Naught Naught Seven, for ‘tis there that thee shall find the trail of yon warship.

Act 2, Scene 2. The headquarters of General Gogol.

XXX: With all speed hast I answered thine summons, mine liege.
General Gogol: And thine presence be sorely required, XXX, for an utmost calamity hast transpired. I wouldst call on Admiral Pushkin to elucidate.
Admiral Pushkin: I thank’ee, General Gogol. Greetings, XXX- thine service was on the Karl Marx, was it not?
XXX: Aye, sire.
Admiral Pushkin: XXX, one of His Majesty’s warships hast disappeared whilst at sea. No clue have we to this, and ‘tis most vital that her whereabouts are speedily ascertained.
XXX: And was the course of yon ship known to many?
Admiral Pushkin: Nay, only to myself, my assistant Captain Koskov, and the ship’s captain.
General Gogol: I thank’ee, Admiral, and prithee allow me some words in confidence with mine bondswoman.
Admiral Pushkin: As you wish, General Gogol. By the by... nice office thou hast. (Exits.)
General Gogol: To far Egypt thou must travel, XXX, for ‘tis there that thee shall find the trail of yon warship.

Act 2, Scene 3. In a well appointed throne room, two yeomen approach a seated lord and his servant.

Count Stromberg: Apothecary Bechman, Alchemist Markovitz, I thank’ee. Well, gentlemen, anon the moment hath cometh to bid thee farewell. I congratulate both thou, leech, and thou, alchemist, on thy brilliant work.
Apothecary: We did bethink of trying “Dragon's Den”, but thou did has't better holidays. And a dental plan.
Count Stromberg: Maidservant, leaveth us.
(The count doth dismiss his maid servant, dropping her through a trap door. He speak'eth to her through his speaking tube as she splashes below.)
Count Stromberg: ‘Twas thou who did betray me. Thou did has't access to all ye information. And anon thou wilt payeth the penalty. Mine synchronized swim team knowmany routines and wilt bear thee to thy death!
Servant: Count Stromberg, a boat has arrived on the beach for Apothecary Bechman and Alchemist Markovitz.
Count Stromberg: All mine gramercy and farewell gentlemen. Once more unto the beach. (Aside to servant.) On leaving I bid thee tell the cannon to blow those folk out of the water. Betoken their families 'twas an accident, the burial wast at flote.
Servant: Thou art so evil, mine master.
Count Stromberg: ‘Tis a gift. Now, send ye in Jaws for I have instructions to give him.

Act 2, Scene 4. A foreign drinking place. A band doth play "Good Morning Cairo Town".

Sir James: Greetings, XXX! Thou art most different to what I did expect. When I did hear “XXX” I did think I wouldst be meeting a bald man with great muscles and a fast, furious carriage.
XXX: And when I did hear “007” I did think I would be meeting a bald man with a Scottish accent. For mine assistant, Ivan, I must apologise.
Sir James: Yea, truly Ivan was terrible.
XXX: Steward, mine companion willst have a mead- let it be shaken but stir it not.
Sir James: And the lady will have a wine from east of the Urals.
XXX: Sir James Bond, recruited to the Her Majesty's Secret Service from the Royal Navy. Licenced to slay and has done so on numerous occasions. Many lovers, though alack many did not survive to marry a suitable man. Stopped bed-wetting at age....
Sir James: That's quite enough!
XXX: Art thou sensitive, Sir James?
Sir James: Well I had a rash for months, and the other young knights used to claim that in my bed I did awaken to a rainbow every morning! And the apothecary's talcum powder didn't always help. So yea verily I be sensitive of some things ....
Steward Sadruddin: Thine drinks, good sir.
Sir James: Alack, but I have a previous engagement.
XXX: And I, too, most happily.
Sir James: Steward, I seek Effendi Kalba.
Steward Sadruddin: Effendi Kalba doth own this drinking place, good sir. He ist seated over here in booth Number 24.
Sir James: Effendi Kalba, I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Kalba: And of this, what?
Sir James: I am told that thee hath information to sell to me.
XXX: One moment, I prithee, for I wouldst join in this bidding.
Kalba: Hm, most anxious am I to grasp the lady’s figure.
Steward Sadruddin: Effendi Kalba, thou art wanted in the vestibule- most urgent.
Kalba: Excuse me...
(In the vestibule.)
Kalba: Hello? Who doth seek Kalba?
(Jaws stands. Kalba looks up. And up. And ist slain)

Act 3, Scene 1. Outside ye drinking place. Jaws heads for his carriage. Sir James makes to follow him, his stunt double making a daring leap from a window, and hides in ye back of ye carriage where he ist quickly joined by XXX.

Sir James: Verily, like this we must stop meeting.
XXX: Tis very small, this carriage.
Sir James: Aye, it be a baby carriage.
XXX: What didst happen to Kalba?
Sir James: He wast slain- by ye driver of this carriage. Known to us he ist, an assassin named-
XXX: Named Jaws? He hath our highest security rating, above his image is a coconut and chocolate …
Sir James: Aye, we too hath a bounty on his head.
XXX: ….and ye scroll?
Sir James: Thou may search me...
XXX: Another time, mayhap.
(Ye carriage stops at an old monument, and Jaws wanders off.)
XXX: This place looks so old and decayed, falling apart in places.
Sir James: True, reminds me of… Stormont!
(They follow Jaws, but he vanishes in the ruins.)
XXX: Wherefore art he? Someone that big cannot just disappear!
Sir James: Humph, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s career might disagree with you on that.
(Suddenly Jaws slides down a rope to attack them.)
Sir James: Seems he dropped in…
(Sir James begins to fight the villain, and is soon losing before XXX joins in. Soon she has him at her mercy.)
XXX: Ye scroll- and apace!
(Jaws drops ye scroll in the sand. XXX quickly grabs it and runs off as Sir James squares up to ye giant, causing a pile of timber to fall down and bury him.)
Sir James: I wood not have be-leafed it possible.
(XXX ist struggling with ye reins of ye carriage as Sir James strolls casually up and snatches ye scroll from in front of her.)
Sir James: Wouldst thee like me to drive?
XXX: Nyet! I have been on a course in Siberia on how to handle my ass.
Sir James: I too hath been taught that.... But these be horses and need a delicate touch.
(XXX continues flicking ye reins, as Sir James notices that Jaws ist struggling out of ye pile of wood.)
Sir James: ...er... methinks we should depart, apace.
XXX: Go, horses, go!
(The horses look pleasantly back at her as Jaws gets nearer.)
Sir James: Let me try- giddy up! I hear there be a glue factory close by!
(The horses start trotting off. Jaws makes a grab at ye carriage, but ist only left with a railing from the rear.)
Sir James: I must thank’ee for deserting me back there.
XXX: Every women for herself.
Sir James: To ye river, there- let us find a boat to return to Cairo.
XXX: Do thee think we willst find one?
Sir James: Of course it helps to have a plan, after all it's not a Felucca...... We've been successful.
(Sir James approaches a boatman.)
Boatman: Aywa, tfadal.
Sir James: Sorry, dost thee speak English?
Boatman: Of course, I majored in European languages at Oxford.
Sir James: Most convenient that I should find ye only boatman on the Nile who can speak English. My lady friend and I wish to go to Cairo, can you help us?
Boatman: Aye, it can be done immediately and within a surprisingly short span of time.
Sir James: Excellent!
(Sir James and XXX board ye boat, and they set off.)
XXX: Brr, ‘tis getting cold.
Sir James: I have a sure fire method, tried and tested, of making thee warm.
XXX: Aye, of this I have heard tell- they do say that nobody does it better.
(Sir James raises an eyebrow and moves closer.)
Sir James: Oh really?
XXX: But I am sure that this is merely imperialist propaganda. Thou does not have to worry about me, Sir James, for I have been on a survival course in Siberia.
Sir James: Aye, many of thine countrymen do undertake such a course.
XXX: Oh, I got by with a little help from my friends.
Sir James: What didst thou learn there?
XXX: Shared bodily warmth ist very important.
Sir James: Oh, I agree.
(Sir James snuggles in even closer and ist distracted when XXX hikes up her dress.... but merely to reveal a box containing tobacco etc.)
Sir James: Just as things were getting interesting.
(Sir James rubs two flints together to offer a light, but XXX merely puffs dust into his face and he falls, unconscious.)

Act 3, Scene 2. An ancient monument. Sir James walks towards a door, to find XXX standing there.

Sir James: I have not seen such a huge crumbling erection, since that after show party with the minstrel Sir Lord Mick Jagger. Such a lot of old, crumbling stones.
XXX: You can’t always get what you want.
Sir James: Did you get any satisfaction?
XXX: It's all over now!
(They enter the building, to find Maid Moneypenny awaiting.)
Moneypenny: Thou do look most terrible, Sir James, wert thee at one of those parties again?
Sir James: ‘Twas most boring, Moneypenny, I did fall asleep. Does Sir Miles await?
Moneypenny: Through yonder door.
(Sir James enters, and ist most surprised to find General Gogol sitting there with a banner reading
" FU, .... 007 !")
Sir James: The face be’eth familiar, as is the banner.
General Gogol: What? (Looking round.) Oh, a thousand pardons Sir James, let me adjust it ...
(General Gogol pulls the banner fully out to read: " Functionaries of the year XXX and 007 ".......Sir Miles enters.)
Sir Miles: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven. No doubt thou hast recognised mine opposite number, General Gogol. In this endeavour, we have joined our forces against a common enemy.
General Gogol: We have been putin, er, put in a new era of co-operation, and as a sign of good faith here ist ye scroll recovered by XXX.
XXX: Aye, most easy it was.
Sir James: (Looking daggers at XXX as Sir Miles reaches for ye scroll.) Do not bother, sire, for ‘tis useless.
Sir Miles: Let us visit ye Old Wizard and see what he can find.
General Gogol: After ye, Miles.
Sir Miles: Nay, nay, after thee, Alexei.

(In ye lair of ye Old Wizard.)
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, mine honoured guests. Behold yonder scroll! See, ‘tis ye size of a Venetian octavo! Note the slight upward stress on ye transversals!
Sir Miles: (Aside to Sir James.) What’s a transversal?
Sir James: (Aside to Sir Miles.) ‘Tis a man in ladies’ clothing, mine liege. Somewhat like those “Lady Boys” thou did -
Sir Miles: (Apace.) Later, Naught Naught Seven, later! Ahem, Old Wizard, what ist yon mark there?
Sir James: Perhaps a rub through of something it was resting on?
Old Wizard: Nay, that be’eth my copy of ye great British Bake Off parchment.(Rubbing a finger to taste.... ) A bit of strawberry jam.
Sir James: Be’eth thee sure?
Old Wizard: Tastes like ..... strawberries.
Sir James: I know’eth naught that thee were a Master Baker.
Old Wizard: Oh, I master bake all the time. But now let us focus on this other mark.
Old Wizard: It looks like a word- “oratory”.
General Gogol: Oratory?
XXX: And next to it ist a symbol, a symbol of a fish- ye fleet of Stromberg!
Old Wizard: Of him I have heard tell, ‘tis said he hast ye fingers of fish.
Sir James: And birds’ eyes, mayhap?
Sir Miles: And where may he be found?
Sir James: Sire, ‘tis not “oratory”, ‘tis “laboratory”!
General Gogol: Lavatory?
Old Wizard: ‘Tis down ye corridor, first on ye right.
Sir James: Nay, nay- Count Stromberg doth have a laboratory in Corsica, I believe.
XXX: Nay, ‘tis in Sardinia.
Sir James: Sounds fishy to me.
General Gogol: Certain am I that you two will enjoy working together- to Sardinia thee must go!

Act 4, Scene 1. A carriage.

XXX: I thank'ee for yon delicious meal, Sir James. Who would have thought that Mince'n'Tatties, washed down with Irn-Bru, could be so good!
Sir James: I prithee, take with me a nightcap- 'tis on mine company. I was hoping to offer thee a stiff one, as I usually stick on a few extras, like an Aston Martin carriage, a new Rolex wrist sun dial, or some new leggings from Tomas of Ford, a bit tight but they do show off my fantastic booty! It bring'eth all the maids to the yard.
XXX: Alack, nay, for tomorrow shalt be a day of much business.
(She enters her chambers and opens a small box of tissues. Jaws emerges.)
XXX: What the fu.... how'd you get in there!
(Jaws doth seize the lady and she screams. Enter Sir James, who doth battle with ye giant, throwing him from the carriage.)
Sir James: He did pop in for a quick bite.
XXX: Sir James, thou art injured.
Sir James: ‘Tis nothing, just a slight prick.... or splinter from tossing out that knave. He ist strong as an ox, and nearly as intelligent.
XXX: I'd love to see your... er... splinter, why not lie down and let me look upon it.
Sir James: Why not?
(Discreet fade out.)

Act 4, Scene 2. A villain’s lair.

Sir James: Thou may know me as Yeoman Sterling, an expert on fish. I thank’eel, Count Stromberg, for welcoming me to this plaice.
Count Stromberg: I shalt shoal thee around. Is this an offishal visit?
Sir James: Nay, merely for fin, I hast no porpoise.
Count Stromberg. I sea. Cod thee tell me the name of this variety, Yeoman Sterling?
Sir James: ..er... I gill tell ye... ‘tis a Greenus Trainerus- their look ist bad, but their taste is worse.
Count Stromberg: Now thee must leave, for I hast a bad haddock.
Sir James: Whale, thank thee for this oppor-tuna-ty. I prithee, what shouldst thou do if ye seas should dry up?
Count Stromberg: I wouldst not have a notion.
Sir James: Should thee need any help, let minnow.
(Sir James exits. Enter Jaws.)
Count Stromberg: Wast he ye man from the carriage? (Jaws nods.) Sir James Bond, and his gillfriend ist Agent XXX from ye land of the Tsars. I prithee, let them get ashore, and then thee willst slay them.

Act 4, Scene 3. A carriage.

XXX: And what did ye learn from thine meeting with Count Stromberg, Sir James?
Sir James: He ist most definitely up to something, unless that ist only a red herring.
XXX: I shalt discuss this with General Gogol.
Sir James: And I with Sir Miles.
(A carriage comes up behind them, bristling with armed varlets. Among them is Jaws.)
Sir James: Hmmm, an ancient form of road rage.
XXX: But what shall we do?
Sir James: Worry ye not, for ye Old Wizard hath provided this carriage with certain, er, optional extras.
XXX: Take care, Sir James!
Sir James: Oh, I think I can manage.
(Sir James pulls a lever and mud ist expelled from the rear of ye carriage, blinding ye horses of ye carriage behind who suddenly stop, sending Jaws and his henchmen flying out of their carriage and down a slope.)
XXX: Most amazing!
Sir James: ‘Tis all downhill from here.
XXX: Look out, here comes another!
(A horseman races up toward them, brandishing a sword. Sir James daringly heads into ye path of a fully-laden market carriage with ye horseman in close pursuit, then turns away at ye last second so ye horseman crashes into the market carriage and flies over ye verge surrounded by hideous green footwear.)
Sir James: He went head over heels for that...
(An ornithopter flown by a beauteous maid doth begin dropping stones on their carriage. Sir James urges his horses to run faster, and heads straight for a pier.)
XXX: Nay, Sir James, ‘tis too dangerous!
Sir James: ‘Tis an acute way to go.
(Ye carriage dives into the water, where Sir James pulls another lever which converts the top of ye carriage into a diving bell. By an enchantment of ye Old Wizard, the horses become seahorses when they contact the water.)
Sir James: Surprised, XXX?
XXX: Not really- I stole ye scrolls for this carriage two years ago.
Sir James: 'Tis time to say goodbye to an uninvited guest.
(He pulls yet another lever, and an arrow shoots upwards slaying ye ornithopter pilot.)
XXX: Good shot.
Sir James: This carriage ist most well-equipped. I am glad I ordered a Surrey with the fringe on top.

Act 4, Scene 4. A boarding house.

XXX: For tobacco I doth crave.
Sir James: But of course.
(Sir James supplies ye lady with tobacco and a light.)
XXX: Thine flint is most fine.
Sir James: I did purchase it in Berngarten, after being accosted by some knaves.
(XXX shows a likeness in a locket.)
XXX: Knowest ye? He too was at Berngarten, did thee kill him?
Sir James: Mayhap, I have killed so many, it must be fifteen this week alone! I really am my Queen's best, she feels sad for the rest and wonders how I learned to do the things, I do.
XXX: Then when this quest ist vanquished, I will end'eth thine own life.

Act 5, Scene 1. Aboard a galleon from across the sea.

Commander Carter: I bid thee welcome, Sir James, and thee also Agent XXX. Thou art welcome to bathe in my cabin, rather than on the deck as with the crew.
XXX: Aboard this vessel, Commander, I be Agent XXX from the land of the Tsars, ‘tis all. I will bathe with the crew.
Commander Carter: A good idea this most definitely ist not. Sir James, hath you the scrolls?
Sir James: Nay, Commander, 'tis merely these new tights ride'eth up.
Commander Carter: What know'eth thee about our ships, Sir James?
Sir James: I didst read a scroll on how they were put together- 'twas riveting...
Commander Carter: Look you well at this, ‘tis a scroll of Ranger’s course.
Sir James: ‘Tis more a parchment of some scantily clad young maidens!
Commander Carter: A thousand pardons, wrong parchment, ‘tis from my last voyage. Here be thine correct parchment.
(From the crow’s nest, a sailor calls.)
Sailor: Commander, thou shouldst take heed ahead!
Commander Carter: Give me mine telescope... Nay, this cannot be!
Sir James: What do ye see, Commander?
Commander Carter: ‘Tis a huge galleon, as big as an island. The decks are full of seamen.
Sir James: Forsooth, it must have been one hell of a party.
Commander Carter: And it be opening up to swallow our vessel!

Act 5, Scene 2. Inside the great galleon

Count Stromberg: I bid thee greetings Sir James, and Agent XXX. Thine curiosity ist outweighed only by thine persistence. Here have I encaptured galleons from thine countries, in certainty that they willst wage war most soon.
Sir James: And what ist thine price for stopping this, Count Stromberg?
Count Stromberg: Thou art deluded, Sir James, for such a war I doth desire to permit me to build mine new world under the sea.
I shall cause Armageddon!
XXX: Armageddon? I know not what that means.
Sir James: Well, 'tis not the end of the world.
Count Stromberg: Let the captured galleons sail with mine crews forthwith!
Sir James: Thine plan seems fishy to me, Count, ‘twill cause turtle disaster.
Count Stromberg: Nemo of that! Put this man with the other prisoners- the lady shalt come with me to mine lair.
(Exit Count Stromberg and XXX.)
Guard: This way, Sir James.
(Sir James overcomes the guard and most speedily releases the captains and crews of the captured galleons.)
Captain Talbot: Commander Carter, I am the captain of the HMS Ranger.
Commander Carter: And ist thine vessel a destroyer, warship, corvette? For this I cannot see.
Captain Talbot: Frigate, Commander.
Commander Carter: Correct- frig it, I'm with you all the way.
Sir James: We must stop Count Stromberg’s plan!
Commander Carter: Aye, but how?
Sir James: The semaphore unit, can thee work it?
Commander Carter: Rightly so, but we only three minutes do have!
Sir James: Read'eth ye this parchment ..... "Salutations on buying this state of the art semaphore unit. Thine Automatic Recognition Semaphore Exhibit!" We can signal each ship to fire their cannon on't each other.
Commander Carter: Verily, Sir James thine A.R.S.E. could indeed blow them from the water.
Sir James: ‘Tis an idea at that. (Slaps his thighs.)
Captain: ‘Tis not to be sniffed at .
Sir James: Apace, back to thine ship!

Act 5, Scene 3. A villain’s lair.

Count Stromberg: Here I have thee captive, XXX, and none can save thee.
(Enter Sir James.)
Sir James: Of this I would not be so sure, Count!
Count Stromberg: I have been expecting thee, Sir James. Sit with me at this not-at-all suspicious table. (They sit.)
Sir James: Thine time doth run out, Count Stromberg.
Count Stromberg: And thine also, Sir James, thine also!
(The Count fires an arrow from a crossbow concealed under ye table. Sir James doth leap aside, the arrow only grazing his posterior.)
Sir James: Thou hast fired thine bolt, Count.
(Sir James slays Count Stromberg with his sword, stabbing him an unnecessary number of times. He frees XXX.)
XXX: Sir James, flee we must for the giant Jaws doth lie in wait here!
Sir James: Thou must come with me at once.
(They run to a boat but Sir James must struggle with Jaws, throwing him to a shark... which Jaws doth overcome.)
Sir James: To this boat, with me, XXX!

Act 5, Scene 4. A boat.
Sir James: 'Tis time for detente, comrade.
XXX: Nay, our masters would not approve!
Sir James: Never shalt they know.
(Their boat ist tied to a galleon, on board art Sir Miles, General Gogol, and ye Old Wizard.)
General Gogol: XXX!
Sir Miles: Naught Naught Seven, what art thou doing?
Sir James: Up the British end must be kept, sire.
A Watching Jack-Tar: And nobody dos't better!

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return)

Thunderpussy, Barbel with help from Number 24

Barbel · February 2017

Raker Of Moons

Act 1, Scene 1. The cliffs of Dover. Under the bluebirds, Sir James doth walk with a pretty damsel.

Damsel: Oh Sir James, yon gull has't left a residue on mine dress, has't thee some paper?
Sir James: Don't be silly wench, yon gull will be miles away by now! But ‘tis most pleasant here- I do bethink I should ne’er walk with anyone else.
Damsel: So right you are, Sir James!
(Enter Jaws and a varlet)
Sir James: Ist this a place for the walking of thine dog?
Varlet: This is where you leave us, Sir James.
(They struggle. Sir James throws the varlet from the cliff, but he doth grab a rope. Jaws pushes Sir James from the cliff. Sir James seizes the varlet, who doth try to cut the rope)
Varlet: Art thou scared of heights, Sir James?
(Sir James reaches up to untie a knot on the varlet's rope)
Sir James: Frayed knot, old boy.
(Ye varlet falls with a scream.)
Sir James: Hm, sounds like Count Wilhelm.
(Jaws seizes a rope and leaps after Sir James, but his rope ist not securely tied. He doth fall into a circus tent below.)

(Intermission. Maidens dance and fly. A Welshwoman sings yet again.)

Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Maid Moneypenny: Most tardy thou art, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, Maid Moneypenny, for I didst fall off a cliff without a rope. (Moneypenny doth laugh) Thou believe me not?
Maid Moneypenny: Nay, and thou shouldst attend Sir Miles soonest.

Sir Miles: Know ye of Sir Hugo Drax, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Most surely, sire, the talk of the land he ist. He doth use his great wealth, amassed across the sea, to create a fleet of ships that will explore the uncharted oceans, and these ships be called “Ye Raker Of Moons”.
Sir Miles: ‘Tis true, and also he doth cheat at ye playing of cards. However, thou willst know that one of these Raker Of Moons wast being sent here from those across the sea. Ye ship wast being transported on the back of another ship, the HMS Trust The RAF, to fool the French. And to be even sneakier, ye transport ship was much smaller, ne'er would they expect that!
Sir James: Aye, and ye daily scrolls report that ‘twas lost at sea with all hands.
Old Wizard: More disturbing ist the truth, Naught Naught Seven. Regard here, in mine crystal ball... Lo, no trace of shipwreck or lifeboats was found.
Sir James: Hmm, a missing ship... now where hast I heard this before?
Sir Miles: Those across the sea art most concerned.
Sir James: Then to Sir Hugo Drax’s headquarters I must make haste.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this enchanted wristband! Thine foes it will slay and their plans confound.
Sir James: ‘Twould make a most excellent Yuletide gift, Old Wizard.

Act 2, Scene 2. A port.

Sir James: I prithee, sir, I seek transport.
Villager: Most certainly, good sir, where art thou destined?
Sir James: To Castle Drax I be headed.
Villager: Nay, let it not be so! For no carriage from this village willst take thee there.
(Enter Corinne.)
Corinne: Sir James, mine name ist Corinne and I am bid by Sir Hugo to welcome thee to this land.
Sir James: Forsooth, most pleased I am.
Corinne: I prithee, enter this carriage freely of your own will. He doth trust thine journey from London hast been a happy one and that you will enjoy your stay in this beautiful land. Driver, through the Borgo pass to the castle.
(Sir James enters ye carriage, and they drive off, two bats following behind.)
Sir James: And art thou bidden to be mine guide?
Corinne: Nay, I am but a humble yeowoman in his service. (A wolf howls.) Ah, the children of the night- what music they make!
Sir James: And fair Corinne, will thee tell me thine story?
Corinne: The story of... O, 'twill be of no interest.
Sir James: Is it really necessary to drive quite so fast?
Corinne: More often than ye would think. All that you see from here on belong'eth to Sir Hugo.
Sir James: He doth own this carriage and horses?
Corinne: Aye, my liege.
Sir James: And yonder man with green shoes?
Corrine: Where? (Thump.) Ah, no matter.
Sir James: And that tavern ....?
Corinne: Aye, Sir James.
Sir James: And that cottage ....
Corinne: Aye, Sir James!
(After many questions from Sir James....)
Sir James: He own'eth this farm house?
Corinne: For Christendom's sake, Sir James, Sir Hugo ist a great lord and owns freaking everything!!!!
Sir James: He own'eth a lot! (Sir James doth glance surreptitiously at Corinne's cleavage.)
Corinne: Yea, whatever.
(Later, passing Sir Hugo's castle.......)
Corinne: Look ye well Sir James, there are some of the new Raker of Moons crews getting their training, Sir Hugo ist paying for it all from his own purse.
Sir James: I did serve in the Queen's navy, although the training then was merely to enter a tavern, drink an ale. If the Queen's shilling was at the bottom of thine tankard ye'd get coshed, and wake up next morning in a Commander's uniform on the bridge of a frigate .
Corinne: ‘Tis very different today, Sir James, many top Wizards have introduced new training methods. The shilling hast gone, as it was too much of't a choking hazard, and no getting coshed anymore. At the end of training as the cadets walk past, we all drop privies on their heads, ‘tis known to all as the passing out ceremony. Now we are here- Krebs the butler will lead you to Sir Hugo's throne room.
Sir James: Good idea, for I need'eth the privy apace.

Act 2, Scene 3. A villain’s lair. Sir James enters as Drax ist playing a celeste for two beauteous maidens. Drax turns to greet Sir James, as the celeste plays on for a few seconds without him. https://youtu.be/9nNGlaiVypU

Drax: Sir James, allow me to introduce before they leave us, the Lady Rose and the Lady Lexi.
Sir James: I bid thee greetings, fair ladies. (The ladies exit.)
Drax: Thine renown ist thine vanguard, Sir James, most honoured I am that thine masters hath sent thee on a mission so delicate.
Sir James: Wherefore ist mine mission delicate, Sir Hugo?
Drax: Why, surely thou hast come to apologise for thine masters having lost mine ship. To lose one ship may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. Do you know your Wilde, Sir James?
Sir James: Only in the bedchamber Sir Hugo! No wreckage hast been found, ‘tis not certain that the ship was lost.
(Enter Chang, or Cha, or Charr, whatever he’s called, with a tray)
Drax: Ah, ‘tis time for mine favourite repast- cucumber sandwiches!
Sir James: Aw, no stuffed sheep’s head then- such a pity!
(Drax throws some cucumber sandwiches to his Chihuahuas, who art peeing happily neath the celeste. They do not eat them.)
Drax: Thee should begin thine quest forthwith, Sir James, for thou must not lose time as well as mine Raker of Moons. Seek ye Apothecary Goodhead, who willst aid thee.
(Sir Hugo snaps his fingers, and ye chihuahuas eat. Exit Sir James.)
Drax: I prithee, thou should tend carefully to Sir James, Cha.. Chang... my friend.

Act 2, Scene 4. The chambers of Apothecary Goodhead.

Gala: Can I help thee, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond, and I do seek Apothecary Goodhead.
Gala: And here she stands, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou art a woman! (Gala looks behind Sir James.) For whom do ye search?
Gala: Why, I do seek Dr Watson, for thou art most surely Sherlock.
Sir James: Indeed my lady, but that was some years 'ere this...

And the good Doctor and I will not meet again for some time. So, art thou training to be a sailor?
Gala: Fully qualified I am, Sir James, on loan from NASA - the National Aquanautical Sailing Administration. Come, I shall show thee how we train.
(Gala shows Sir James to a small dinghy moored in dry dock along the castle moat.)
Sir James: Of course! It simulates the motion of the ocean.
Gala: This dinghy was built by The Hughes Corporation. Would you care to see if you could rock the boat, Sir James? If thou becomes seasick, thou needs only deflate thy dinghy here.
Sir James: Seasick? I would like to know where thou got'st the notion...
(Sir James enters the dinghy, as a short Oriental enters.)
Gala: Chang? Or is it Charr? I never can tell...
Chang/Charr/Cha: Thy master awaits, my lady. I shall take care of Sir James, heheh.
(The dinghy starts to move, slowly at first, then faster, as Chang -Charr spins the mooring rope ever faster. Sir James becomes seasick, but uses his enchanted wristband to deflate the dinghy. Chang/Charr/the Oriental bloke looks very disappointed.)
Gala: I know not what has occurred, Sir James.
Sir James: It dids't go down on me!
Gala: So you got some Goodhead after all...

Act 2, Scene 5. The bedchambers of Corinne. Enter Sir James.

Corinne: Mine mother hast given me guidance on what to do with a man, and what not to do.
Sir James: Alack, 'tis not mine purpose.
Corinne: O, then what ist thine purpose Sir James?
Sir James: I do seek information... What else occurs here at Schloss Drax-ula ?
Corinne: We have Zumba classes, needlepoint, a book club and every Sunday a cake sale.
Sir James: I wast thinking more of the Raker of Moons quest, anything similar.
Corinne: Nothing I can think of, Sir Hugo always goes on about how he hates England, the Queen, how English knights are all soooooo stupid to ever discover his secret in Venice, that be’eth all!
Sir James: So nothing unusual then?
Corinne: Sorry, no...... He hath a safe in his office, 'tis very secret and full of his plans- he mentioned once that it had plans of something secret in Venice.
Sir James: Odd that everything doth seem so normal.
Corinne: Aye, Sir James, everything ist so boring, even the training of the crews, in battle techniques, assassination methods, overthrow of governments, all just normal everyday stuff.
Sir James: Worry not about it, 'twas a long shot that anything unusual might be happening.
Corinne: Sorry Sir James, Sir Hugo ist just a typical slightly unhinged megalomaniac, looking for revenge on the world, .... nothing strange. ...except perhaps... he hast a book on a town in the north of England called Manchester, maybe that's important?
Sir James: Forsooth! ‘Tis known as the Venice of the North, Sir Miles hast said so, perhaps Venice should be the place to start! ...Now on that guidance of your mother?
Corinne: She said if I got the urge, I should suck a fisherman's friend... so I joined an angling club!
Sir James: Forsooth, mine friend Quarrel ist a fisherman.
Corinne: 'Tis most interesting, Sir James! Thou art a fisherman's friend!

Act 2, Scene 6. A field where archery practice is taking place.

Drax: Good morrow, Sir James, may I introduce before they take their leave La Signora Formatori Verdi and La Contessa Asp Nove Millimetri.(The ladies depart the field.) I have organised this tournament to find the best bowman in the land. How good are you as an archer, Sir James?
Sir James: Better than sterling. I only stopped to thank you for your hospitality.
Drax: Are you a scaredy pants, or.... mayhap, French!
Sir James: I doubt'eth that I am in thine class.
Drax: Take'eth my bow, and try yon target.
Sir James: I see your arrow is dead centre, a perfect score.
Drax: Unbeatable, dear fellow.
Sir James: It looks terribly difficult.
(Sir James draws back his bow and lets fly as Corinne arrives with a host of guard Chihuahuas. Still looking at Drax, Sir James’s arrow splits Sir Hugo's in twain.)
Sir James: No it isn’t, is it?
Drax: (Aside.) Flash git!
(Exit Sir James.)
Drax: Chang, or is it Charr, heard how you did speak with Sir James, last evening.
Corinne: Nay, ‘tis not true.
Drax: Thou art dismissed, let us see if thine legs can outrun my trained puppies.
(Corinne runs but is soon covered in excited yapping Chihuahua puppies, soon she expires from their insane cuteness. Sir Hugo exits, stage left.)

Act 3, Scene 1. Venice. A band play "Good Morning Venice Town". Sir James arrives at St Mark’s Square in a gondola.

Sir James: I bid thee, tarry here, Franco.
Franco: Oui, Monsieur James.
Sir James: Franco, I did think thou wert Italian rather than French.
Franco: Oui, ‘tis revenge for Rene Mathis being an Italian. I'll just sell some cornettos, till thy return. "Just one cornetto, give it to me delicious ice-cream of Italy .... #"
(Sir James doth walk to a shoppe, with a sign “Drax Venini Glass: Ye Perfectly Ordinary Glass Shoppe, Nothing Unusual Here”, and enters.)
Exotic Maiden: Can I do something TO you..... pardon FOR you, good sir?
Sir James: Oh, in many ways I am sure, but methinks I should like to look around.
Exotic Maiden: I prithee feel free, good sir, for all is in order in this shoppe, ye won’t find anything suspicious, no sirree. Although please regard this scroll, and prithee do not explore here ("Secret Apothecary Lab"), here ("Henchman's Hangout Union Members Only") or definitely not this chamber.
Sir James: Why not that chamber?
Exotic Maiden: ‘Tis the ladies privy!
(Sir James doth look at some glass vials, before spying Apothecary Goodhead also looking around. He follows her outside, only to see an American explorer and his female companion emerge from a sewer cover and run off.)
Sir James: Apothecary Goodhead, what a surprise to find thee here!
Gala: ‘Tis an amazing coincidence, Sir James.
Sir James: Yea, and both of us meeting at ye same glass shoppe.
Gala: And by another amazing coincidence tis owned by Sir Hugo Drax.
Sir James: So, he ist truly a Merchant of Venice.
Gala: Well spotted, Sherlock- mayhap I should say Shylock this time.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith. My hostelry doth do a fine soup in a basket.
Gala: Alack, nay, for I must lecture tonight.
(Exit Gala. Sir James calls for Franco, pushing past a group of tourists buying ice-cream and they set off in the gondola. Two varlets doth make chase in a floating coffin- Franco ist slain, but Sir James heads the gondola onto the square, it having wheels beneath, and he furiously pedals it to confound the varlets who art stuck on the water. A pigeon doth look twice at the boat. A waiter pours beer on a green shod man.)

Act 3, Scene 2. Ye glass shoppe at night.

(Sir James enters and examines the vials he found earlier. He follows a man to a room marked "Secret Apothecary Lab" where he doth see a strange substance being inserted into ye vials. He steals some, putting it into a small flagon, then goes back to ye glass shoppe.)

Chang-Charr: Haya!
(He confronts Sir James and they doth do battle, during which Sir James spies a boxful of vials labelled “Send to Rio de Janiero. This way up. Fragile.” Sir James overcomes Charr, er, Chang, er, the Oriental guy and doth throw him through a window from where he falls into a celeste.)
Sir James: Of all the glass shoppes in all the world, he hast to walk into mine. I do think this the end of a beautiful friend... shoppe?

Act 3, Scene 3. A boarding house. Apothecary Goodhead doth prepare for bed.

Sir James: I bid thee good evening, Gala Goodhead.
Gala: And why art thou in mine bedchamber, Sir James?
Sir James: Thine friend Chang, er, Cha... the Oriental chap hast just attempted to slay me.
Gala: And dost thou think I had knowledge of this?
Sir James: Hm, such a thought did cross mine mind.
(Sir James doth begin to pore through ye items on Apothecary Goodhead's dresser: a purse which turns into a bear trap, a lady's muff which with a flick ist expanded to make a furry jousting pole, a sword with a walking stick hidden in it, a ruff that changes to a spare wheel for a carriage, a selection of wigs containing various homing pigeons, a parchment called "Spying For Girls"....)
Sir James: Such trifles are common with those across the sea- I hast friends in low places who keep me informed.
Gala: ‘Tis true, mine task was to bear an eye upon Sir Hugo and divine his intent.
Sir James: Then methinks 'tis time for us to begin working together.
Gala: In close union?
Sir James: With mutual interest?
Gala: In intimate matters?
Sir James: For common purpose?
Gala: Forsooth, thy point ist made...

Act 4, Scene 1. A foreign boarding house.

Steward: Ye President’s suite.
Sir James: He is? This I had not heard, although I am told his hands are exceeding small. Worry ye not about displaying the rest of mine chambers, for sure I am that transport can be found. (Exit Steward)
Manuela: I bid thee good day, Sir James.
Sir James: Art thee included in the tariff, sweet maid?
Manuela: Only for such as thee. I am bidden by Sir Miles to aid thee here, mine name ist Manuela.
Sir James: Most pleased am I to hear this. What know'est ye of Sir Hugo Drax’s business here?
Manuela: Why, he doth own ye “Drax C&D Inconspicuous Move Along Nothing To See Here Warehouse” in the centre of the town.
Sir James: Then I must visit there tonight.
Manuela: ‘Tis carnival time here, Sir James, thou may find that a little difficult.
Sir James: This I must do nevertheless. Now, I bid thee, how shalt we pass the hours till darkness doth fall...?
Manuela: Forsooth, we shalt samba!
(She begins to dance. Sir James, rather disappointedly, joins in.)

Act 4, Scene 3. High atop a mountain.

Sir James: Good grief, Goodhead! Fancy meeting you here.
Gala: I doth follow the lord Drax- look ye upon this harbour, another of his cargo vessels makes way to sail.
Sir James: Methinks we may have better fortune by working together, as we seem to hunt the same prey.
Gala: Then let us away to make our plans.
(They leave across a rope bridge but half way across art attacked by the one known as Jaws.)
Gala: Dost thou know him?
Sir James: Not socially. Jaws be his name- he doth have unpaid speeding fines, drinks red wine with fish, knows not which fork to use. And also he doth kill people.
(Sir James doth battle the villain, sending him falling to a circus tent below......)

(Interior of Circus tent )
Ringmaster: ‘Tis good news to finally have our beautiful marquee repaired.
Fortune Teller: Aye, we will have nothing but good fortune, from here on! I feel it in my blood and in my bones.
(With a crash Jaws doth rip through the tent roof, landing heavily on the trapeze safety net and knocking over a sign saying “Book now for Berlin- only four years to go!”)
Dolly: Good giant, art thou hurt ?
Jaws: (Grunts “no”.)
(Jaws looks at the short blonde woman with strange metal wire in her mouth.)
Jaws: (Grunts “Am fine”.)
Dolly: Glad I am.
(Jaws looks again, and is amazed to see that the lady now hath no metal on her teeth!)
Dolly: Doth you find my braces lovely...?
(She doth point to the beams holding up ye tent’s roof.)
Dolly: I did paint them myself- the large naked men are necessary, to give them strength. But quickly let me get those wet clothes off you, sure I am that thou art soaked through to thine under garments. My chamber is warm, I could help dry you off! And rub baby oil all over.......
(Jaws doth struggle unconvincingly as Dolly brings out a measuring tape to judge his muscles.)
Ringmaster: Of all the circuses in all the world, he hast to drop into mine... twice! Mondays are hell...

(Above, some yeomen arrive to aid Sir James and Apothecary Goodhead.)
Sir James: Worry ye not, we art in great shape.
(Suddenly a yeoman doth cosh Sir James, and he falls... to awake in a medical carriage, where both he and Apothecary Goodhead are restrained.)
Sir James: (Aside.) Distract the guard, mine Bonds are loose....
Gala: Hey good looking, what art thee doing later, fancy a-
Guard: Do you mind m'lady, I be’eth not a piece of meat! I like to be wooed, bought some flowers, chocolates, maybe a love sonnet or two. (Romantic music starts.) A walk along a deserted beach, laughing in the rain, kicking up leaves in autumn, holding hands watching a play......
(In a single bound Sir James doth attack the varlet.)
Sir James: Forgive me, Apothecary Goodhead, but more of that I could not listen to- being British, I find talk of emotions...... embarrassing!
(They doth continue to fight, but fall from the carriage, Sir James rolls safely away, but the guard doth crash through a sign for "Deaton's Timepieces" with only his green footwear exposed.)

Act 4, Scene 4. Sir James and his brethren approach a monastery via horseback. Some minstrels play something magnificent.

Sir James: Fair Moneypenny, when I said “Get thee to a nunnery”, I did jest!
Maid Moneypenny: That's Magnificent, Naught Naught Seven, but thou still look like thee hast fallen off a mountain.
Sir James: Verily, this an odd headquarters.
Maid Moneypenny: This monastery ist for the order Absolute Jackanapes Brotherhood – or AJB,007. Go through yon courtyard; Sir Miles and ye Old Wizard await thine attendance.
(Sir James enters ye courtyard, and picks up an odd looking weapon from ye Old Wizard's table.)
Sir James: Bezants, Q?
(Sir James throws the odd looking weapon at a statue, knocking its head off.)
Old Wizard: (Vexed.) Naught Naught Seven, never touch my Bezants without asking! As thou can attest, they are heavy and, mishandled, thou would'st not wish them to erupt in thy face...
Sir Miles: Ah, come in, Naught Naught Seven. Our Wizard has come up with something big...
Sir James: He hast shown it to me, my liege- verily his Bezants are fair pendulous...
Sir Miles: Ahem. Here, 'tis more news of the flagon thou didst bring from the Merchant of Venice. 'Tis hakarl, a shark extract. It hast been ground with a pestle. It ist found only in the land of the Norse, on some obscure fjord.
Sir James: And what of the Lady Gala?
Sir Miles: (Keeping a poker face.) Well, she doth continue her career as a wandering minstrel, entertaining many whilst attired merely in her undergarments.
Sir James: Nay, that ‘twould be her sister, Lady Gaga- I do speak of Apothecary Goodhead.
Sir Miles: Of her, no word.
Sir James: Let it go, mine liege.
Sir Miles: To the fjord thou must go, Naught Naught Seven. There thou mayest greet Sir Hugo's beautiful assistants, Lady Anna and Lady Elsa... But be careful, a dragon awaits!
Sir James: So, my lords. I seek the flagon (not the dragon) without a vessel (nor a pestle) - mayest I take my horse to meet the Norse?
Sir Miles: Hast thou been watching Sir Danny Kaye, Sir James?
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven- the Norse are waterborne. A vessel awaits thee for thy journey. Some minstrels will play for thee too, Naught Naught Seven...
Sir James: I must depart. Adieu!

Act 5, Scene 1. From a hill top a yeoman of Sir Hugo doth receive a commentary from his master of the chase between Jaws and Sir James....

Yeoman: Jaws doth give chase my lord! Using a short bow, with many arrows. Sir James hath pulled a lever and a small trebuchet hath appeared at the back of his boat, and he hath launched a boulder at the valiant Jaws, but it doth miss and Jaws continues his advance on the English knight!
Drax: Good, see that some harm comes to him....
Yeoman: Ye rowers are catching up with Sir James, he hath nowhere to run.
Drax: Soon he'll be out of my misery.
Yeoman: ‘Tis odd sire? Sir James hath stopped rowing, and thrown his anchor over the side... And doth tie the end to his rowlocks!
Drax: Forsooth! That must verily hurt!
Yeoman: Nay sire, ‘tis where his oar rests... He's standing up.... He doth surrender my lord!
Drax: Excellent, Jaws willst finish him!
Yeoman: They have come alongside.... Um? ... Something is wrong sire! Their boat doth continue apace! .... They are caught in a current... Sir James is waving goodbye to them. Look sire! (The yeoman doth give his telescope to Sir Hugo.)
Drax: Blast, they've been caught in a whirlpool, ‘tis why Sir James dropped his anchor, he must have seen it! Damn him to hell.
Yeoman: ‘Tis Monday my lord.
Drax: They have been pulled under! ....... Damn, that was a new boat too!
(Below, Sir James doth pull himself away from ye whirlpool, and raising anchor doth row to shore. In his anger Sir Hugo doth throw his telescope at him.)
Yeoman: You missed, sire.
(Sir Hugo pushes his yeoman off the cliff.)
Drax : Did I? ... Girlfriend!

Act 5, Scene 2. A wooded area. Sir James is exploring and spies a beautiful woman, so he follows...

Sir James: What be’eth thine name, fair maiden ?
Maiden: I am called Hudler, and want ye to find what thee seek. Follow this path... but take care, thou may be tested.
(Suddenly the maiden ist gone. Sir James presses on, coming to a pool where he doth see her again, beckoning.)
Sir James: If you forgive me I'll take the path less travelled.
(Sir James uses some nearby stepping stones to cross, but one is not firm and doth cause him to fall in.)
Hudler: Forgive me good sir, but I am a servant of Sir Hugo Drax. Thou art about to face the most dangerous creature of the sea, ye deadly deep sea Ninja Penguin!
(Sir James doth battle with ye wild beast, only getting the better of ye vile creature by using his fierce Tarzan yell, lifting it high and throwing it across the pool to subdue the beast. Sir James ist lifted from the pool by Jaws, only to face Sir Hugo once more.)
Sir Hugo: You disappoint me Sir James, why did ye stop'eth thine battle?
Sir James: I had to Pick up a Penguin.
Sir Hugo: Jaws, bring him!
(Jaws brings Sir James before Drax. The chamber is decorated with shark carcasses.)
Sir James: I prithee, Sir Hugo, what ist thine intent? And why the sharks?
Drax: ‘Tis from shark that this extract ist made- hakarl! ‘Tis one of the most disgusting substances found on earth. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H%C3%A1karl
Sir James: And thou hath improved upon “disgusting”?
Drax: Aye, ‘tis so. ‘Twill not affect animal and plant life, to preserve ye balance of nature. Now, Jaws, thou shalt take Sir James and the treacherous Apothecary Goodhead to ye sand dungeon.
Sir James: And why did thee steal back thine own Raker of Moons?
Drax: Alack, one of mine others did develop a fault, and I do need them all from our trip to Outer... Enough have I said- Jaws! Take them away!

Act 5, Scene 3. Interior of a dungeon, open to the stars. Sir Hugo is standing gloating down at Sir James and Gala.

Drax: Sir James and the treacherous Apothecary Goodhead. I hope you are suitably uncomfortable.
Sir James: Nay, I've stayed at ye Travelodge.
Drax: I hate you and all your Britishness. From lifting your little finger to drink tea, to your privy humour and jokes about Bristols!
Sir James: Not even our cucumber sandwiches?
Drax: Well, yes, they are delightful, especially without crusts and a bit of salmon... Er, but even in death my magnificence is boundless. Soon sand will flow like my glorious words from those little holes above your heads, just enough to hold you fast. Then in the morrow when the sun doth rise, the intense heat will cook thine insides! I'll be leaving you in thine own private crematorium while I shall become King of the World. Sir James, Apothecary Goodhead, I bid thee farewell!
(Sir Hugo departs....)
Gala: What are we to do?
Sir James: I do think of thy muff.
Gala: Not now Sir James......
Sir James: Nay, look you through our cage door, there be’eth some of your belongings on yon table. To reach, I shall not be able to see, thee must direct my hand.
(Sir James begins to reach ....)
Gala: Yes, that's it higher, a little higher....... Yes there .... A scroll is in the way... You must use thine finger to push it away.....Flip it with thy finger, oh yes, Oh Yes, ... OH YES!!! Higher, higher yes, there, There THERE!!!!!
(Sir James doth grab the lady's muff- a move later called a Trump.)
Sir James: I have it! (He doth look round to see the lady Gala, looking flustered and smoking a cigarette. She offers it to Sir James...)
Sir James: Nay, for we must away. (He expands the muff into a long jousting pole.)
Sir James: On my back, apace.
(Running forward, Sir James doth use the pole to spring out of their prison, landing in a bush.)
Sir James: One in the sand ist worth two in the bush!
(Goodhead doth roll her eyes and smacketh the back of his head.)
Sir James: Now, with haste we need to board one of Sir Hugo's vessels- to the harbour!
(They exit ....)

Act 5, Scene 4. Interior of a ship.

Gala: ‘Twas amazing how thou did distract those guards, I never knew thee could do so many bird calls.
Sir James: Of course, I do have a licence to trill.... And an old maiden friend kept cage birds.
Gala: Impressive.
Sir James: Well, she did have the biggest pair of ‘keets I hast ever seen! Behold the cabin of Sir Hugo- hmm, looking at that box of cucumbers, I doth think he does more than just eat them.
Gala: Here Sir James, this door marked "Absolutely Normal Chart Room."
Sir James: Hmm, I do not trust chart rooms, one doth never know who ist there.
(They do enter.... A voice calls from the dark "ATAC to St Cyril's, ATAC to St Cyril's...." Quickly Sir James doth cover ye ship's parrot.)
Sir James: Wrong adventure!
Gala: Look ye here, charts and scrolls about their sailings.
Sir James: Aye, several ports but all seem to follow a similar course, all heading... Past the cove of "Absolutely Normal Sailing Stuff Here" ....Through the straits of "Nothing To Worry About Here"... Here be monsters... Here be dragons...
Gala: So it's near Norway then?
Sir James: Nay, we be heading for Outer...
Gala: Outer...?
Sir James: Outer Hebrides! We must get this information back to our countrymen- quick, pass me that bottle of finest wine.
Gala: Buckfast, Sir Hugo lives well!
Sir James: ‘Tis a well known scientific fact that Buckfast bottles have a strong homing instinct, so we can send a Seamail. Now we must hide for the voyage.
Gala: How about a dinghy ?
Sir James: Nay, I went in the woods before getting on the ship.
Gala: We could hide in a lifeboat?
Sir James: Good, we'll get some supplies and then bed down.
(Later from a covered boat on deck comes a moan......)
Gala: Oh Sir James!
Sir James: Ssh, not till the ending!

Act 5, Scene 5. A port.

Gala: Sir James, wake up.
Sir James: (Asleep.) Zzzz... Oh Felix, I didst not think thee would...
Gala: Sir James, wake up!
Sir James: Ahem, nothing happening here! (Face reddens.)
Gala: Ye ship hast come into port.
Sir James: Ah, we art here. Let us quietly get ashore and take a look around.
(On ye shore.)
Gala: But why hast Drax come here, Sir James?
Sir James: 'Tis simple- hardly anyone doth come to Scotland, and of those hardly anyone doth come here! Forsooth, some do say here 'tis like Outer Space...
Gala: Hast thee a hat, for it doth seem to be raining?
Sir James: Here it always raineth- as the Eskimos have forty words for snow, we Scots have forty words for rain.
Gala: Look, yon barrels being loaded onto the ships!
Sir James: Hm, it doth seem these barrels doth contain ye vials we did spy in Venice and I believe they art filled with hakarl.
Gala: Uh-oh... Sir James...
(Sir James looketh behind him to find Jaws. Ye giant doth seize Gala in one hand and Sir James in the other, and drag them off.)

Act 5, Scene 6. Another villain's lair. Jaws brings Sir James and Gala before Sir Hugo Drax.

Sir James: Thine dream, thine nightmare hast no chance, Sir Hugo!
Sir Hugo: This we shalt see. These vials, filled with hakarl, shalt be released from my ships and cause death to all with undesirable hair colour. We considered other vile substances, twenty-three of them, to rid ourselves of the non-redheads. Haggis and smalahove showed promising results, but none wast as effective as Number 24: hakarl. And the plan has been named Draxit.
Sir James: What a horribly villainous plan! Hast thou any idea what will happen to the world and your ginger society here after such an attack?
Drax: Worry ye not. Our most handsome & intelligent scholars, and Lord Boris of Johnson as well, willst study the effect of Draxit as soon as the vials are launched to the mainland.
Sir James: Why not before?
Drax: Nay, why should that be necessary? Let us all Draxit and worry about the consequences later.
Sir James: 'Tis a most inhuman element.
Drax: Thou art wide of the mark, Sir James, or mayhap 'tis too hot to handle for thee. Now, ‘tis time for you to walk the plank.
Sir James: Why? Canst thee not afford a dog?
Drax: Jaws! Expel them!
Varlet: Sir Hugo, we are being assailed by ships flying the flag of those across the sea!
Drax: There were no launches scheduled... Sir James must have found a way to impart our whereabouts!
Varlet: They doth open fire on us!
Drax: Return fire! Jaws, take Sir James to the plank!
Sir James: And all those of undesirable hair colour shalt be dealt with?
(Sir James doth look at Dolly, then Jaws. Ye giant looks confused, then understands)
Drax: Jaws! Thou shalt do mine bidding!
(Jaws seizes two of Drax’s men and bashes their heads together. Sir James and Gala assail the henchmen. Drax runs for a lifeboat. Sir James gives chase; Drax turns to face him with a sword.)
Drax: I shalt have the pleasure of slaying thee myself! Now, what would Oscar Wilde have said?
(Sir James slays Drax using the Old Wizard’s enchanted wristband.)
Sir James: “I can resist everything but temptation”, methinks. (Enter Apothecary Goodhead)
Gala: Sir James, flee we must!
Sir James: To a Raker of Moons, without delay.
(They race to a ship.)
Gala: Make haste, Sir James!
Sir James: Alack, the mooring rope ist securely tied. (Sir James espies Jaws and Dolly on the pier.) Jaws, canst thou help us?
(Jaws breaks the rope effortlessly. The ship sails free.)
Gala: Mayhap he ist not such a moonraker after all.
(On the pier, Dolly hands Jaws a bottle of Buckfast. He doth bite it open, and the two drink.)

Act 5, Scene 7. Aboard a Raker of Moons.

Gala: Sir James, ahead ten degrees to port, there lies one of Sir Hugo's ships!
Sir James: Take ye the tiller, Lady Gala, whilst I man the cannon.
Gala: Surely this cannot be canon?
Sir James: Most surely, but take the tiller anyway... hold fast... Fire!
Gala: Thine aim ist true, the ship ist sunk.
Sir James: And another lies yonder- turn to starboard... Fire!
Gala: Truly thou art an excellent shot, for down she sinks.
Sir James: One more to go- full speed ahead!

(The throne room of Sir Miles.)
Sir Miles: Old Wizard, canst thou find Naught Naught Seven?
Old Wizard: Mine liege, take hold of my sextant...
Sir Miles: Hast thou taken leave of thine senses, Wizard?
Old Wizard: Nay, mine liege, this sextant is a nautical compass - mayhap it gives us directions to Naught Naught Seven, but time thou must give me...

(The ship.)
Gala: There she lies, Sir James!
Sir James: Only one more load dost I have, I must make it count... Fire!
Gala: Thou hast done it, Sir James, all be vanquished!
Sir James: Then, 'tis time to go home.
Gala: Nay, take me round the world one more time...

(The throne room of Sir Miles.)
Old Wizard: The picture doth become clearer... there, sire!
Sir Miles: Mine God, what ist he doing?
Old Wizard: I think he's attempting to raise the flagpole one more time, sire.

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Thunderpussy, Barbel, Charmed & Dangerous, Number 24

(The Moonraker was a 1958 swashbuckler starring George Baker, who played Sir Hilary Bray in OHMSS and Captain Benson in TSWLM. It doesn't have anything to do with either Fleming's novel or the 1979 film.)

Barbel · February 2017

SOLELY FOR THINE EYES

Act 1, Scene 1. (A graveyard. Sir James doth place a rose on a headstone, a Holy Man approaches .....)

Holy Man: (In a Scottish accent.) Rosa! Of the family Rosaceae.
Sir James: Pardon Priest?

Holy Man: ‘Tis Latin for "The name of the rose". Greetings, I be William of Baskerville. Sir James, thou art sent for, ‘tis most urgent in the extreme.
Sir James: Verily, to this I am accustomed.
Holy Man: Then bless you, now I must away and walk my hound. Come, Christian!
(A winged chariot arrives and Sir James doth enter, only to be attacked by a bald varlet with a white cat.)
Not the Comte de Blofeld: Hail to thee, Naught Naught Seven. For thine death I have much anticipation, though never have we met since the Comte de Blofeld I am definitely not, most surely. Nay.
Sir James: But of course you aren't.
Not the Comte de Blofeld: Dost thee like mine neck brace? I got it some years ago and I have not looked back since.
Sir James: Have at thee, knave! (They do battle, with Sir James kicking ye cat into his sandwich basket.)
Not the Comte de Blofeld: (Screaming.) Have you no respect for the bread!
Sir James: That be'eth a rye comment.
Not the Comte de Blofeld: The last thee will hear!
Sir James: And thine hair thou shouldst retain.
(They struggle with Sir James getting the upper hand.)
Not the Comte de Blofeld: Please, we can do'eth an arrangement, I'll buy you an eating place of shining metal.
(Sir James manoeuvres the winged chariot to ye nearby church steeple, sending the varlet who ist in no way the Comte de Blofeld falling onto ye spire.)
Not the Comte de Blofeld: Ahhh!!!!!!! I'm skewered!!!
Sir James: One sympathises. An eating-place of shining metal thou shalt not need, as that should keep thee pinned down!
(Below in the church grounds the Holy Man with his hound looks skyward....)
Holy Man: ‘Twas not very saintly, but there is nothing like a challenge to bring out the best in man. Now for a fine single malt.

Intermission. A Scotswoman sings surrounded by fish.

Act 2, Scene 1. The antechamber of ye throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Sir James: This bouquet I doth bring thee, fair Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: Why, I thank'ee, Sir James, though I see'eth these roses hath a prick or two.
Sir James: Who hasn't, my lady?
(Sir James doth give a schoolboy grin.)
Moneypenny: William of Tanner shall give thee thine charge, since Sir Miles ist enjoying days of leisure.
(Sir James enters ye throne room of Sir Miles.)

William of Tanner: Ah, there thou art, Naught Naught Seven. What do you think of the changes I hath had made to ye throne room by the famous designer Lord Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen?
Sir James: ‘Tis... different, mine deputy liege.
William of Tanner: He did say'eth that zebra prints, throw cushions and bean bags art ye in thing this season.
Sir James: And ye dancing maid, gyrating on that pole?
William of Tanner: Oh. that bring'eth the whole room together. Adds a sense of class, or so say'eth Lord Stringfellow.
Sir James: Truly the arbiter of good taste! And that doth explain thine attire of orange skin and leopard print thong.
William of Tanner: ‘Tis all the rage in court. The Colonies swear by them. In fact even their leader hath orange skin.
Sir James: I dare say you could Trump that.
(Sir James sits on a wobbly bean bag as William of Tanner unscrolls a parchment.)
William of Tanner: A vessel of our service hath come to grief in foreign seas, Naught Naught Seven, laden with cargo most precious. Our man Sir Timothy Havelock was sent to investigate, but alack he and his wife have been slain.
Sir James: So, Havelock did not have luck.
William of Tanner: Thou art charged to travel with alacrity this cargo to recover.
Sir James: Thine wishes I shall follow, mine deputy liege, with mine customary dedication.
William of Tanner: I prithee, with less of thine customary humour Naught Naught Seven, for this time serious we must be if not plausible.
(With difficulty Sir James manoeuvres off the bean bag.)
Sir James: But of course. No double-taking pigeons or steel-toothed giants willst be seen.
William of Tanner: Good man! On leaving could ye send in ye scribe and artist from ye London Times? I'm having my portrait done to replace Sir Miles, and I have to give an interview on why I'll be'eth so much better than he at modern espionage.
Sir James: But of course.

Act 2, Scene 2. Beside a pool. Sir James ist captured by Major Gonzales’ men, some dressed in tasteful swimsuits.

Major Gonzales: In mine hands thou art, Sir James, I do recognise thee from thine flintlock- 'tis standard issue for discreet servants of Her Majesty. Thou shalt be-
(Major Gonzales ist slain by an arrow. )
Sir James: Pardon, I shalt be...?
First Guard: My master said he was going to-
(Ye guard ist slain by a second arrow.)
Sir James: What? Will no-one tell me?
Second Guard: Look at yon deadly shaft!
Sir James: Why, I thank’ee, my good man, many have admired it.
(Sir James runs off, to meet a beauteous maiden with a crossbow.)
Melina: Come with me, apace.
(Sir James ducks an arrow.)
Sir James: Most certainly I shalt. I trust a carriage ye doth have, for mine hast been lain waste to.
Melina: Mine donkey ist yonder.
Sir James: ..... Ah...

(They ride off, pursued by Gonzales’ men. And women.)
Sir James: ‘Tis a trifle slow, methinks, even slower than ye carriage of Chriscoop.
Chriscoop: (Off.) 'Tis a lowly carriage! Mine 180 horses may fare better with fodder of fairer quality? Thou may hasten thy journey upon thine feet per se? But I beseech thee to behold the fine silver livery akin to sterling of the purest and it bears the moniker of the cross of Saint George and the mythical crown-ed dragon that devoureth that of Man.

Melina: Pay no heed! Thou be'est behind. Smack my ass!
Sir James: (Raises eyebrow as only he can.) 'Twould be mine pleasure.
(Before being struck, ye ass speeds up.)
Sir James: He be'eth a smart ass.
Melina: Perhaps thee wouldst like to take charge of mine ass?
Sir James: After dinner and drinks perhaps, but first let's haul ass.
Melina: Watch out for yon man with green trainers! (Thump.) Too late.
Sir James: Never mind.

(Later, in a boarding house.)
Sir James: Methinks ‘tis time we were introduced. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.

Melina: Mine name is Melina.
Sir James: Well named, for thou art certainly a honey. I prithee, why didst thou slay Gonzales?
Melina: For revenge- he didst kill mine parents.
Sir James: So, thou art ye daughter of ye Havelocks! And now thou shalt return to Greece?
Melina: Nay, for this business remains unfinished. I shalt go after the man I didst see paying Gonzales.
Sir James: That ist a treacherous path, Melina. Remember, death leaves an echo.
Melina: Thou must take ye rough with ye smooth.
Sir James: The Chinese have a saying: “Man who jump off cliff, leap to conclusion.”
Melina: Huh?
Sir James: Oh, pardon, wrong saying: “Before thee set out on revenge, thou must dig two graves.”
Melina: “Man who keep feet on ground, have trouble putting on trousers.”
Sir James: “Girl who eat prunes, get good run for her money.”
Melina: Hmm, I do start to feel hungry.
Sir James: Date? (Sir James offers a bowl of dates.)
Melina: Maybe later after this be’eth finished, but I am Melina Judy Havelock, daughter to my murdered parents, aunt to an obnoxious nephew, keeper of a season ticket to Hull Rovers and owner of a Haynes manual to an 81 compact carriage... and I shall have my revenge in this life or the next!
Sir James: Great tramp stamp! It looks clear, we can make speed to the harbour. And remind me to tell thee about Only Living Twice.

Act 2, Scene 3. Sir James enters ye Old Wizard’s lair, pausing to speak to an assistant tinkering with an armband.

Sir James: Greetings, Fett, how’s the charm?
Fett: It’s worth a lot to me. It be'eth to increase sexual stamina
Sir James: Sure I am it will come in handy.
Fett: 'Tis certainly making mine arm go stiff.
Sir James: I seek thine help, Old Wizard, for I am in search of a varlet.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. See this collapsible Chinese cooking tool?
Sir James: Chinese cooking tool? Thou do jest, Old Wizard!
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my wok, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Aye, many hath said it be "Wok around the clock" with thee.
Old Wizard: Now, in mine crystal ball I shall find the one thou doth seek. Impart unto me his features.
Sir James: His nose like a banana is shaped.
Old Wizard: Nay, nothing. More information be needed.
Sir James: Eyes: two, blue... a deep blue, the sort of blue that hints at a sexual indiscretion, offering both friendship and more, perhaps weekends antiquing and evenings at the Knight's dancing taverns... hair light brown or more of a lustrous auburn, fashionably cut with the use of obviously good grooming products... and even through his doublet you could tell he doth look after his body, with great skin tone and a firmness that only comes from hours of gym work... a wide generous mouth, that promised both passion and tenderness but with a hint of cruelty.
................ Although honestly Old Wizard, I hardly noticed him.
Old Wizard: Easier than I had anticipated this doth be. Now, look ye in mine crystal ball... Ah, his name ist Locque and thee will find him in Capri... nay, Cortina.
Sir James: I do not wish to know what kind of carriage he drives, I want to know where I can find him!
Old Wizard: 8-) Cortina in ye north of Italy, Naught Naught Seven...
Sir James: Then I will leave the locking up to thee, but could I have one of those armband charms before I take my leave?

Act 3, Scene 1. An eating place.

Visconte Kristatos: Greetings, mine friend Ferrara hast said thou did wish to see me?
Sir James: Hail to thee, Visconte Kristatos, I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Now, Ferrara tells me thou be an Anglophile.
Visconte Kristatos: Er, those charges were never proven.
Sir James: I do seek a varlet known as Locque.
Visconte Kristatos: Locque? He ist in ye employ of mine rival, Visconte Colombo.
Sir James: The colonies famous sheriff?

Visconte Kristatos: Nay, that would be Columbo, not Colombo. Wouldst you care to join me in some gluhwein?
Sir James: Nay, I'd hate to get wet and it doth like there be'eth only room for one.
Visconte Kristatos: Very well, please thyself. 'Tis all the rage here.
Sir James: Impart to me his whereabouts, I prithee.
Visconte Kristatos: This I shalt endeavour to discover.
(A young girl skates up beside them.)
Visconte Kristatos: Ah, Sir James, I prithee greet mine protégée Baby Doll.
Baby Doll: Most tired am I, mine uncle, ‘tis time for mine nap. And milk and cookies.
Visconte Kristatos: Nay, Baby, thou must practice longer to be assured of a Gold Medallion. We don't have Tsar Putin's medicine alchemist to help.
Baby Doll: And I do wish to go to a concert tonight, by Sir Justin of Bieber.
Visconte Kristatos: (Shudders.) Ah, nay, for I must see to business. Perhaps Sir James could take thee?
Sir James: Pardon? Oh, er, I have to walk my hair... wash the dog...
Visconte Kristatos: Better I would feel, knowing she had protection.
Baby Doll: Have you been looking in my purse again? They weren't mine, I was only holding them for a girlfriend.
Visconte Kristatos: Eh?
Baby Doll: Oh, 'tis nothing......
Visconte Kristatos: Well Sir James?
Sir James: I would be happy to escort this young innocent maid... (Baby Doll winks at Sir James and blows him...... A kiss.) .....Although I be more of a Sir Ed Sheeran fan.
Visconte Kristatos: ...and afterwards I shalt give thee the information thou doth desire.
Sir James: Very well.

Act 3, Scene 2. Sir James and Baby Doll doth walk through through ye snow.

Baby Doll: I thank’ee, Sir James, for escorting me to ye concert. Was Sir Justin not wonderful? (Sir James keeps on walking.) I said, was not Sir Justin ye dreamiest? (Sir James does not reply.) Sir James!!!!
Sir James: Oh, thine pardon I crave. I did forget to take out mine earplugs- I think ‘tis safe now, or is't Sir Jack White and Lady Alicia Keys performing next?
Baby Doll: I love it here, the snow be'eth so white.
Sir James: Aye, better than the yellow kind favoured by Sir Hoyte van Hoytema.
Baby Doll: Oh, look ye, ‘tis Erich von Kriegler, ye skiing champion of all Prussia! Is he not ye dreamiest?
Sir James: Good body, reminds me of Felix... er...... Fickle thou art, Baby!
Baby Doll: He ist most fit! He does not drink... does not smoke... does not make love. Doesn't claim PPI, does not understand the offside rule, does not wear horrible green footwear.
Sir James: Hmm, what does he do?
Baby Doll: He does like ye music of Lady Kylie Minogue, musical theatre and East Prussian men and the single transferable vote system, puppies and the poetry of Lord William McGonagall .......oh and a little bit of torturing and killing.

(Later, in ye chambers of Sir James.)
Baby Doll: To bed with me thou must make haste, Sir James. Mine teddy bear I shall move aside.
Sir James: Nay, sweet maid, is this not a day of education for thee?
Baby Doll: Thou makest merry of me, Sir James, yet for thee I bear strong affection. Thine name I have enscribed in mine schoolbook.
Sir James: Forsooth, replace thine garments and for thee I will purchase a sweetmeat.

Act 3, Scene 3. An eating place.

Visconte Kristatos: And what wouldst thou have to eat, Sir James? I recommend ye donkey balls, or ye chicken feet perhaps?
Sir James: If thou willst forgive me, I do find that a trifle slimy and scented for mine palate. I will'st have ye soup in a basket and some Lutefisk.
Visconte Kristatos: At yonder table, eating ye stuffed sheep's head, sits Visconte Colombo.
Sir James: And with him, yon most fair lady?
Visconte Kristatos: Oh, not sure about her- from ye colonies, never far from him. I am thinking Sir James, you may have to kill him. He has powerful friends, could you kill a man?
Sir James: Eventually, but let us watch for a while.

(A waiter comes and changes the monkey holding a candle on the table and takes it to Visconte Colombo's office chamber as he arrives.)
Visconte Colombo: Speak unto me, beast.
Monkey: (Monkey gestures with his hands spelling words. Visconte Colombo gives him a banana.)
Visconte Colombo: So, Sir James be interested in my affairs, um what?
Monkey: (Again gestures, pointing at his mouth.)
Visconte Colombo: Do I look like I be'eth made of bananas? They be'eth hard to get since Mr Romalez' banana emporium closed suspiciously! Here, have some pistachios.

(Sir James watches as Visconte Colombo returns to his Contessa, and they begin to argue.)
Contessa Lisl: Thou art a disgusting man! Do not talk to me like that!
Visconte Colombo: To thee I shalt speak any way I doth please. I hast bought thee a drink, even some chips and everything!
(Ye Contessa leaves, pausing briefly to look longingly upon Sir James.)
Sir James: A damsel in distress! My turf, I do believe.
Visconte Kristatos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4F4qzPbcFiA
Sir James: If thou playest ye odds...
Visconte Kristatos: Take my carriage, I'll play'eth a little bingo, send the driver back for me.
(Sir James doth follow ye Contessa.)
Sir James: May I take you home? You look unsettled.
Contessa Lisl: Oh I travel a lot, never really settled. Why not? Thou dost look like a gentleman.

(Inside ye carriage.)
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Perhaps thou could help me, I'm writing a parchment.....
Countess Lisl: Oh I know many positions and ways to...
Sir James: Nay, it be a parchment about smugglers and pirates.
Countess Lisl: Oh, I know now't of pirated parchments.
Sir James: How about smugglers ?
Countess Lisl: There was a huge trade in budgie smugglers a while back but now't much now. Ah, 'tis my villa there .
Sir James: "Now't"? Thine accent doth slip, Contessa! Comest ye from Manchester?
Contessa Lisl: From Liverpool I doth hail- as thou canst tell from mine earmuffs.
Sir James: Of course, for thou doth listen to Ye Beatles.
Contessa Lisl: Take care, driver, watch out for yon man with- (Thump.)
Sir James: Yon man with...?
Contessa Lisl: Too late.

Act 4, Scene 3. A boat.

Visconte Colombo: 'Tis I who would be thine friend, trust not the evil Kristatos.
Sir James: Of thee he doth speak highly also.
Visconte Colombo: Heavy of heart am I that mine Lisl ist slain.
Sir James: I know not if in thee mine trust should be placed.
Visconte Colombo: I wouldst not make attempt to buy thine trust with gold, Sir James, even if I were a rich man. Rather, thine flintlock I shall return to thee.
Sir James: And if thee were a rich man?
Visconte Colombo: All day long I’d.... er, our vessel shall carry us to Kristatos’ lair.
Sir James: Do boats such as this sink very often?
Visconte Colombo: Nay, usually only once. Sir James, thou hast what we Greeks call " thrasos".
Sir James: That ist made with aubergines, I believe?
Visconte Colombo: Nay, "guts"!
Sir James: Oh, thou do mean "gyros"! I had been wondering about what was in that.

Act 5, Scene 2. A monastery. Outside, Sir James dangles from a rope, playing with his shoelaces. Meanwhile, inside in Baby Doll's bed chamber Visconte Kristatos enters to find her using a mirror to sketch herself...)

Visconte Kristatos: Stop taking thine selfie, I must speak with you.
Baby Doll: Impart thine news quickly.
Visconte Kristatos: To Cuba we must fly.
Baby Doll: Nay! I shalt stamp mine feet and cry!
Visconte Kristatos: Nay, Baby Doll, 'twill be a pleasant distraction, I fancy.
Baby Doll: I know'eth what thee fancies and thou be'eth too ancient for me.
Visconte Kristatos: Again nay, for mine apothecary hath given me a course of leeches- merely swallow two each morning and a little blue pill which will transform mine ardour to that of a teenager again! In fact I hath just taken one.
Baby Doll: (Looks down.) So I've noticed.
Visconte Kristatos: Thou will obey me!
Baby Doll: I be'eth off! With mine posse to the shopping centre, for drinks and annoyance of ye ancient ones. Also, Cuba??? Where dost thee expect to find a skating rink on a tropical island? ....Laters!
(Enter Sir James and Visconte Colombo.)
Visconte Colombo: Have at thee, Kristatos!
(They fight, and Visconte Kristatos ist slain.)
Visconte Colombo: Look ye, Sir James, at his codpiece: Rigor mortis hath begun?
Sir James: Aye, they’ll have'eth a job getting ye lid on his coffin. (Raises eyebrow.)
Visconte Colombo: I see Roger Moortis hast also begun.
Sir James: But of course.
Visconte Colombo: I shalt take care of thee, Baby Doll..... and these, too.
(Visconte Colombo pockets some blue pills he hath found.)
Sir James: And I shalt take care of thee, Melina.
Melina: Oh, Sir James....

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Thunderpussy, Barbel and a nod to Chriscoop!

(Pedantic note: In Fleming's "Risico" the name of the character played by Topol is "Enrico Colombo", while in the film it's "Milos Columbo". This sort of thing happens often- eg Jill & Tilly Masterton ("Masterson") in GF, Sender/Saunders in TLD, Fanshawe/Fanning in OP. Above the character is referred to as "Colombo" a la Fleming. Ditto the Masterton girls, though Saunders in TLD has remained Saunders, not Sender. )

Barbel · February 2017

THE CHATTELS OF A LADY

Act 1, Scene 1. Men do make sport at a foreign place. Enter Sir James and a beauteous damsel, whose horse doth pull a small brick privy.

Sir James: This much security I did not expect.
Damsel: Their plans they did change at short notice.
Sir James: Proceed we must. Hast thou mine disguise?
Damsel: Here, take thee this not at all obvious mock moustache. Apologies, ye shop was out of the matching nose and glasses. And thine name shall be Major Cockburn.
Sir James: Cockburn? Sounds like Cockup!
(Sir James doth destroy the enemy's artillery and ammunition, but is captured and led away. Sir James doth run into the privy which magically becomes a winged horse and doth make his escape.)

Intermission. Maidens dance with a picture of a cephalopod. A woman from across the sea sings.

Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Sir James: Even more laden with beauty art thou this day, Moneypenny.
Maid Moneypenny: In this direction I am!
Sir James: But of course you are!
Maid Moneypenny: Thou makest eyes at mine helping wench, Maid Smallbone.
Sir James: And greetings to you, my dear.
Maid Smallbone: I thank'ee, Sir James.
Sir James: Ah, thou know'est who I am?
Maid Smallbone: Maid Moneypenny hast made me familiar with thine... traits.

Sir Miles: Ken ye what this may be, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: A jewelled egg, mine liege, from the land of the Tsars. Most rare and precious.
Sir Miles: Aye, top marks- save it be naught but a mock. 'Twas found in the hand of Naught Naught Nine, yet today it is to be held for auction in London. Behold this scroll...
Sir James: "The Chattels of a Lady", it doth say.
Sir Miles: I prithee, thou must meet Lord Fanning who doth have great ken of such matters.
Lord Fanning: Greetings, Sir James. To the auction house we must go.

Act 2, Scene 2. An auction house.

Lord Fanning: Most pleased I am that thou art with me, Sir James, for great use can be made of an extra pair of eyes.
Sir James: 'Tis not a problem, milord.
Auctioneer: M’lords, ladies and gentlemen, we come to lot Number 23. A hideous pair of green training shoes. What am I bid?
(Silence throughout the hall.)
Auctioneer: By your leave, my friends, such an offer cometh not often! Who will start the bidding?
Tall German Man: One million pieces of gold I do bid.
Auctioneer: Sold! (Aside.) Get them away with haste- and him too, before his misty eyes start weeping. Now, we come to lot Number 24. A fabulous jewelled egg from the land of the Tsars.
Sir James: And yon scroll doth say "The Chattels of a Lady".
Lord Fanning: Here be many ladies, Sir James.
(Enter Duchess Magda.)
Sir James: Ah, yonder ist most definitely a lady.
Lord Fanning: And she doth sit with Prince Kamal, a man of dubious ethics.
Sir James: 'Tis the only way, for all ethics be dubious.
Kamal: One million pieces of gold do I bid.
Sir James: Two million.
Lord Fanning: Sir James!
Kamal: Two and a half million.
Sir James: Three million.
Lord Fanning: Oh, please, Sir James, nay!
Kamal: Three and a half.
Sir James: Three point six, mine timepiece which ist magnetic, and a bottle of mead (which ist not to be stirred, but shaken).
Kamal: Four million.
Auctioneer: Any more...? (Sir James shakes his head.) Sold!
Lord Fanning: Most distressed I am, Sir James, that egg was not worth so much.
Sir James: To buy it he had to. Now, I shalt follow Prince Kamal to his lair...

Act 3, Scene-It. A foreign place. Sir James alights and ist met by a young man with a snake.

VJ: To India thou art welcome, Sir James. I am VJ, and Sir Miles hath decreed that I assist you here.
Sir James: Thine assistance be most welcome, VJ, dost this serpent come with us also?
VJ: Nay, he ist only here to cover mine asp. Chambers I have arranged for thee in a grand boarding house, a mere hour from here by horse.
Sir James: Very well, then let us proceed there but only if we can ride past every notable locality in the country on our way there.
VJ: 'Tis no problem, I bid thee enter mine carriage.
(They set off.)
Sir James: Watch out for yon man with green shoes! (Thump.)
Vj: Too late!
Sir James: Ne'er mind. I prithee, tell me about Prince Kamal.
VJ: Tonight thee shall find him making sport in the gaming rooms of thine boarding house.

(A gaming room. A band play "Good Morning Delhi Town". Prince Kamal doth make sport with Major Blunder.)
Sir James: VJ, I prithee, what game dost they play?
VJ: ‘Tis a board game from across the sea, Sir James, “Scene-It” it be called.
Kamal: Another wager Major?
Major: Aye, thine luck must change sometime.
Kamal: Very well... who didst play Count Dracula in the 1977 BBC production?
Major: Err... Count Scaramanga?
Kamal: Nay, ‘twas Louis Jourdan.
(Enter Countess Magda)
Sir James: I prithee, sup with me forthwith.
Countess Magda: Thou ist ye man from ye auction!
Sir James: And thou ist most comely- art thou more than half my age, my lady?
Countess Magda: Barely, yes.
Sir James: Then thou shalt suffice.
Countess Magda: With thee I shall not sup... yet.
Kamal: I shalt double ye wager Major. One million pieces of gold?
Major: This I cannot accept.
Sir James: Such a major wager I would gladly accept.
Kamal: Them I prithee, take ye Major’s place, Sir...?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Kamal: Very well, Sir James... who didst sing “Gigi” in the 1958 film of that name?
Sir James: Maurice Chevalier?
Kamal: Nay, ‘twas Louis Jourdan. ‘Twas not such a wise wager.
Sir James: Double.
Kamal: Make sport, Sir James, but I must ensure that thou hast the gold.
Sir James: Most sure I am that this egg shall provide security for thee, Prince Kamal.
Kamal: A great deal of luck shalt thou need, Sir James.
Sir James: Then player’s privilege shalt I use- put away your copy of “Scene-It” and we shalt use mine! Now... What was the real name of the character known as “The Saint”?

Kamal: Err.. Lord Brett Sinclair?
Sir James: Nay, ‘twas Simon Templar. Two million pieces of gold, I believe?
Kamal: Thou shouldst spend it quickly, Sir James.
Sir James: This I intend to, Prince Kamal. Here, VJ- take this and purchase a large amount of curry, I prithee.

Act 3, Scene 2. Ye Old Wizard’s lair.

Old Wizard: Most unhappy I doth be, Naught Naught Seven, sent around the globe to proffer mine assistance to thee.
VJ: ‘Tis good to see thee, Old Wizard. Hast thee mine tennis racket repaired?
Old Wizard: This I have done, thine game will be even becker than before.
VJ: Thou hast done me a great service, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard: 'Tis thine service which is of greater import.
Sir James: And for me, Old Wizard?
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this enchanted stylus! ‘Twill free thee from any prison.
Sir James: Ah, that ist most practical. How does it work?
Old Wizard: It doth contain most powerful acids.
Sir James: Hmm, perfect for writing...
Old Wizard: (Wearily.)...poison pen letters, yes.
Sir James: (Abashed.) I suppose all ye agents say that.
Old WIzard: Oh, nay... not quite all. And on thine mock jewelled egg I have a spell laid, that thou shalt hear from afar what is said in its presence.
Sir James: And what hast thou here?
Old Wizard: 'Tis for gardening. Doublet and hoes, seven....

Act 3, Scene 3. A boarding house.

Steward: Sir James, thine guest doth await at thine table.
Countess Magda: Surprised thou art to see me, Sir James?
Sir James: Most pleased I am, Countess Magda. Thou be far prettier than Prince Kamal!
Countess Magda: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith. The Prince doth suggest a trade with thee- thine life shalt be spared when thou doth give him ye egg.
Sir James: And he ist too chicken to ask himself? He doth duck his responsibilities? He ist not hard-boiled enough to...
Countess Magda: Get thine coat, Sir James, thou hast pulled.

Act 3, Scene 4. The island of the eight cats.

Kamal: Thou willst be pleased to ken that the egg I have recovered.
Octopussy: Nay, I am most displeased that it needed recovered.
Kamal: Say that not, Octo... my lady, for I have the thief in mine power e’en as we speak.
Octopussy: And who may he be?
Kamal: It is he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Octopussy: Thou must bring him to me forthwith!
Kamal: But nay, Oc... Octo...
Octopussy: Thou canst not say mine name?
Kamal: Afraid I am that a mad Scottish censor shalt not allow it.
Octopussy: Thou shalt bring him to me, unharmed.
Kamal: Who, Sir James or the Scottish knave?
Octopussy: No use have I for a haggis-eating skirt-wearing bass player.

Act 3, Scene 5. The palace of Prince Kamal.

Kamal: Greetings, Sir James, ‘tis time to dine. Thou hast met the Countess Magda?
Sir James: Most charming, most charming.
Countess Magda: Too kind thou art.
Kamal: We shall dine forthwith. Wouldst thou care for some sheeps’ eyes?
Sir James: Aye, they will see me through the day. Why hast thou brought me here, Prince Kamal? Thou hast possession of the egg.
Kamal: Yet the answers we have not.
Sir James: A guess let me make- thou hast a bottomless chair and a rope?
Kamal: Nay, more sophisticated we are here. I doth have a copy of the 1967 “Casino Royale” which I shalt force thee to watch.
Sir James: Fiend!

Act 5, Scene 1. The island of the eight cats.

Octopussy: Good evening, Sir James.
Sir James: My reputation precedes me. Mayhap we have met before... Lady Andrea?
Octopussy: (Aside.) Ssh, don't mention that. (Aloud.) Thou may know me as Octopussy. Most pleased I am to meet thee, for many years ago thou hast done my late father Dexter Smythe a great service in allowing him to take his own life, not trying to halt him in any way, rather than face disgrace. Most thankful I am to thee.
Sir James: If the daughter of Dexter Smythe thou art, then thou must be truly old- at least ten years younger than I!
Octopussy: ‘Tis more like twenty, Old Old Seven.
Sir James: With age comes experience- not to mention the apothecary's Viagra.
Octopussy: Verily, two of a kind we are.
(To bed they go. They are assailed by Kamal's men, one with a hand saw on a string. Sir James defeats them all, but falls into a crocodile.)

Act 5, Scene 2. A capital in Europe. Sir Miles and Sir James ride in a carriage.

Sir Miles: But, Naught Naught Seven, art thou certain that this woman Octo.. Oct...
Sir James: Octopussy, mine liege.
Sir Miles: ....aye, this woman, will be here?
Sir James: ‘Tis sure, mine liege, for on her island I didst ascertain that her circus would be performing here on the morrow.
Sir Miles: Thou know'est that Her Majesty’s government cannot help thee once thou art beyond yonder wall?
Sir James: This I do know.
Sir Miles: Driver, be careful thou dost not hit yon man with green shoes... (Thump) Ah, too late.
Sir James: More attention should he have given to watching, rather than his watch.

Act 5, Scene 3. The Circus Maximus.

Sir James: In truth this place is full of stunning... er cunning stunts!
(Enter Countess Magda. Sir James hides behind danjaq_0ff)
Countess Magda: Pray tell, General, what sentence wouldst ye give should I purloin thy purse?
Base Commander: Why, about five years, sweet maiden.
Countess Magda: Then I shalt return it to thee forthwith!
Base Commander: Oh, very good! (Laughs.)

(Sir James leaves the circus tent and enters a closed carriage.)
General Berkoff: Who art thee, stranger?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Thine intent thou willst impart, General, lest I slay thee.
Beneral Gerkoff: ‘Tis my plan to destroy this circus and this whole village with yonder keg of gunpowder, and to lay blame upon those from across the sea. And thee will not prevent me, Sir James!
Sir James: To thine feet, General, thou willst stop this.
(The carriage moves off.)
General Berkoff: Thou art too late, Sir James.

Act 5, Scene 4. The Circus Maximus. Sir James gallops towards the circus astride his trusty steed, but is stopped by a lieutenant of the new territories' army.

Lieutenant: Romeo, Romeo, is that an Alpha, Romeo?
Sir James: Yes, repaired it has been since the Modicum of Comfort's PTS. Now, I prithee, lead me directly to the base commander.
Lieutenant: Sire, not while I'm on my watch.
Sir James: Then stand aside, lest thy trainers too be rent asunder for studying thy watch too long.
(With that Sir James departs at speed. Lieutenants search in vain, as Sir James hastily ducks into a travelling caravan, emerging moments later as a Jester. Sir James heads into the circus.)
Sir James: Oh silvered winged man, is that cannon?
Silver-Winged Man: Nay, Sir James, 'tis by a most grievous continuation author so must not be considered canon. Pray ask the base commander yonder.
Base Commander: Sir Jester! Is it you that's known as Thunderp... Thunderpu...?
Sir James: Nay, tis I, he who is called Bond, James Bond! Lady Octopussy (for I have no trouble with thine Scottish censorman), thrice-crossed thou hast been by Prince Kamal and Beneral Gerkoff ...er, I mean General Berkoff. A keg of gunpowder is moments from rendering this place asunder!
Base Commander: Gunpowder? What the Fawkes do you mean, guy?
(Sir James runs towards the keg as a melee ensues. He is seized upon, but the Lady Octopussy dismantles the cabinet into which the keg is fitted. Screams descend upon the crowd, followed by hush, as Sir James grapples with the fuse... the sweat from his brow snuffs the fuse like a candle at Vespers (whoever she may be). Sir James and Lady Octopussy depart.)

Act 5, Scene 5. The palace of Prince Kamal.

Prince Kamal: With these mock pieces of gold I shalt keep my fortune whilst I flee, and none shall find me!
(Enter Octopussy on a trapeze.)
Octopussy: Thou canst not escape, Kamal!
Kamal: Escape? Why no, sweet Octop... Oct... lady, I was merely coming to thee with these gold pieces. Behold! (He seizes Octopussy.) Now, to my winged chariot I shalt take thee!
(Enter Sir James, dangling from a balloon into which the Old Wizard ist frantically puffing to keep aloft.)
Sir James: Cry hold, Prince Kamal! (They do battle, and Sir James ist victorio... victoriu.. Sir James wins.)
Octopussy: Oh, Sir James!

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Barbel, Charmed & Dangerous (with editorial, er, guidance from Number 24 and Thunderpussy)

Barbel · February 2017

To A Kill, A View

Act 1, Scene 1. A snowy place north of Hadrian's Wall.

(Two men in an ornithopter circle a small village wherein Sir James ist searching for something in the snow using a device painstakingly perfected for him by ye Old Wizard- a shovel. Sir James unearths a body and, from the pockets of its doublet, take'eth a small object wrapped in a papyrus scroll of news: a micro-chip. As Sir James straightens, one of the ornithopter men espies him and lets forth an arrow.
Prising a pair of wooden planks from beneath the body, Sir James binds them to his feet to make good his escape, departing at speed.)
Sir James: (Aside.) Surely 'tis some years 'ere this when last I trod the boards - I trust mine Wizard friend hast packed mine knapsack with the usual large flag of Albion...
(As more ornithopter men chase ye White Knight, a plank ist wrenched from Sir James's foot, causing him to pause. A passing varlet on a husky train is caught off guard, as Sir James doth throw a grappling hook at ye knave, commandeering his husky train. Yet Sir James's victory ist short lived, as a varlet throws a large bone at ye huskies who skid to a halt, ejecting Sir James.
Ye White Knight takes his remaining plank, and deftly uses both feet to steer it through the remaining varlets.)
Sir James: (Sings.)I hast been all around this great big land, and I've seen all kinds of maids, and I've tried them all, south of Hadrian's Wall, now to the north I must get laid...
(Suddenly, a large stone is rolled away from a cave, pushed by a most winsome wench. Sir James darts in and rolls ye stone back in place.)
Sir James: My lady, I hast brought a micro-chip, some fish eggs and grain-based firewater ('tis better than that based on potatoes).
Wench: But didst thou bring a deep-fried Mars Bar, Sir James?
Sir James: Mayhap- we have five days journey to work, rest and play...

(Intermission. Maidens ski while unclothed. An English band sings.)

Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Sir James: Thou art dressed in great finery, Moneypenny, most lovely thou art.
Moneypenny: And thou art most tardy, Sir James, where hast thou been?
Sir James: ‘Twas necessary that I rest and recuperate after mine strenuous labours.
Moneypenny: Aye, thine strenuous labours be well known. Thou canst leave thine Zimmer with me while thou doth see Sir Miles.
(Sir James espies ye Old Wizard, who ist accompanied by a small, furred creature.)
Sir James: Ah, a new pet, Wizard?
Old Wizard: Naught Naught Seven, hadst thou read thine inter-departmental scrolls, thou wouldst know this is a prototype of a sophisticated new device to surveil thine opponents. Tis called a... cat.
Sir James: I doth approve of more pussies here.
Old Wizard: Aye, for most fond I am of cats- indeed, I love to dance with my cat.
Sir James: Dance? Surely thou do jest!
Old Wizard: i never jest about my twerk, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir Miles: Know'est thee of Baron Max Zorin, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Surely, mine liege. He ist French, which one must try not to hold against him, and a leading merchant dealing in very small, spliced potatoes known as....
Sir Miles: Micro-chips. Here, thou see'est this one thou didst recover from a snowy place. It matches this one from the Frenchman. It appears to have been burned.
Old Wizard: Aye, tis French & Fried.
Sir James: I do believe Baron Zorin doth make these micro-chips in the Caliphate of Omar?
Sir Miles: Aye, in factories staffed solely by young women- many of our female staff hath expressed a desire to work there.
Sir James: So, they wish they all could be Caliph Omar's girls?
Sir Miles: God only knows.
Sir James: Wouldn't it be nice?
Sir Miles: 'Tis rumoured that the Frenchman's father carried this micro-chip on his ass for three years; and on his passing from this mortal realm, the Frenchman carried it on his ass or donkey too, for a further two years...
Sir James: So he ist an ass man?
Sir Miles: 'Tis more true he ist a horse man- he hast a horse racing this afternoon and methinks we should attend. Thou shouldst wear more appropriate garb, Naught Naught Seven.

Act 2, Scene 2. The racing of horses.

Sir James: Yon man there, sire, playing Russian roulette?
Sir Miles: Aye, that ist Baron Zorin.
Sir James: And with him, wearing six skinned badgers decorated with roses and cacti plus a model of ye Taj Mahal on her head lit by seventeen candles?
Sir Miles: Ah, I had not noticed. Sure of her we are not. Rumour hath it that yon maiden danced around Baron Zorin's, ahem, 'maypole' every day to earn her nickname.
Sir James: May Day?
Sir Miles: Nay, the 'pole dancer'.
Sir James: Wouldst that she would bear further scrutiny.
Sir Miles: Be warned, Naught Naught Seven, lest thy maypole should wilt when she, um, whips out a representation of a large black... Stallion! Look, Naught Naught Seven, 'tis the Baron's stallion Pegasus who doth race to ye finish lines! What a magnificent...
(A portly man approaches in a bowl shaped hat, carrying a furled umbrella.)
Sir James: ...Steed?
Portly Man: Aye, but tis more stallion than steed. My name ist Sir Godfrey of Tibbet. This stallion bears closer scrutiny, for surely ‘tis not luck which bears Pegasus's wings to victory.
Sir James: Methinks this doth bear closer inspection?
Sir Godfrey: Aye, and I hath asked a French friend to begin investigation.
Sir Miles: Thou should meet this man- to Paris with thee, Naught Naught Seven!

Act 2, Scene 3. An eating place in Paris in the shadow of a great cathedral.

Sir James: That building...
Croissant: Notre Dame?
Sir James: She like'eth to think so. Mm, this Ovaltine ist delicious.
Croissant: C'est bon, since thou art paying for it. So, thou hast been sent from London, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, M. Croissant, for thou hast knowledge of Baron Zorin and his horses.
Croissant: Mais oui, invited have I been to a grand sale at his chateau.
(A beauteous maiden doth begin to dance with butterflies. A shadowy figure clad in palm leaves stitched together with yak hair covered in papyrus creeps in behind her.)
Croissant: Mayhap thee would like to pin this butterfly down?
(Ye shadowy figure knocks ye dancer down then throws a dart. Croissant ist slain.)
Steward: Qu'est-ce que c'est?
Sir James: Hush, thou must not speak ill of the bread.
(Sir James makes haste after ye shadowy figure. He doth run out of ye eating place and spy a cart driven by a man with a beret, black-and-white striped jumper, a moustache and a string of onions round his neck.)
Sir James: Excuse me...
(Sir James's stunt double kicks ye man off and steals ye cart.)
Man: Hey, come back you silly English kinniggit! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
(In pursuit, Sir James's cart ist struck by other vehicles and gets smaller and smaller. Ye shadowy figure escapes.)

Act 3, Scene 1. Sir James and Sir Godfrey approach ye chateau.

Sir James: Remember ye, Sir Godfrey, thou art mine manservant.
Sir Godfrey: Of course, Sir James, no problems.
(They art met by Scarbine, Baron Zorin's man.)
Scarbine: Good day to thee, Mr Sinjin Pseudonym Smith.
Sir James: Sinjin Pseudonym Smythe, my man, most pleased I am to meet thee.
Scarbine: So ye are a lover of horses Mr Smithy, Smith, Smythe ...
Sir James: Neigh! Mine old aunt did kick ye bucket and left me some stables, saddles, reins with a forge and blacksmith, so I thought it would be fun to keep and race sheep..... until it was suggested to me that perhaps horses might be better.
Scarbine: Better to be hung for a lamb, than a sheep eh?
Sir James: Worry not, I be hung like a horse! (Aside.) no matter what anyone tells ye!
Scarbine: Thou may know me as Scarbine. Thine servant canst sleep in yonder hole in ye ground.
Sir Godfrey: Luxury! I used t'dream of hole in t'ground.
Sir James: Thee had it soft. When I were lad-
Scarbine: Mr Sinjin Pseudonym Smythe, thine chambers art in ye chateau.
Sir James: Very beautiful, but why has it got inscriptions in Latin letters across the doorway?
Scarbine: Well, ‘twould look funny with French letters there!
Sir James: I thank'ee. Come, Tibbet!
Sir Godfrey: Yes, sir, very good, sir. (They drive off.)
Sir James: Watch out for yon man with gree...(Thump.) Ah, no matter.

(At ye chateau.)
JFF: Greetings, Mr Sinjin Pseudonym Smythe, I am JennyFlexFan.
Sir James: But of course you are, I hath been wondering where thou hast been....lying low.
JFF: I wouldst show thee to thine chamber.
Sir James: Why, thank'ee. And ist ye Baron busy?
JFF: Aye, he ist hunting deer with his dogs of war. Shall I call thee a porter?
Sir James: Most surely.
JFF: Thou art a porter!
Sir James: I see.
JFF: I hope thine servant canst manage.
Sir James: Sure I am that this is so. Come, Tibbett!
(Sir Godfrey carries four suitcases, a trunk, two anvils, and a toilet bag.)
Sir Godfrey: (Struggling.) Yes sir, very good sir.
Sir James: Here, let me help thee. (Takes ye toilet bag.)
Sir Godfrey: Oh, thank'ee, sir.
JFF: Wouldst ye like some help with ye stairs?
Sir James: What, no Stanna Stairlift...? No need, my man will take care of it- Martin!
(Sir James's stunt double walks up the stairs.)
Sir James: (In close up.) Thee doth enjoy a good ride, JennyFlexFan?
JFF: Aye, 'tis a great pleasure to ride in ye morning.
Sir James: With this I could not agree more. Although Martin doth also help out there.
JFF: Here ist thine chamber, sir. (Sir Godfrey collapses into ye chamber, gasping for breath.)
Sir James: I thank'ee, young lady. Tibbett! I did not give thee permission to lie down!
Sir Godfrey: No sir, sorry sir. (Stands up.)
Sir James: I did not give thee permission to get up!
Sir Godfrey: (Aside.) Wrong adventure, Sir James.
(JennyFlexFan exits.)
Sir Godfrey: I shalt lay out some clothes for thee for the sales.
Sir James: Something tight and ill fitting by Sir Tomas of Ford, some tasteful footwear and mine most slimming of corsetry.
Sir Godfrey: Look Sir James, the good Baron doth greet a maiden.
Sir James: I must give her one....
Sir Godfrey: Pardon?
Sir James: ....close inspection.
Sir Godfrey: We art on a mission!
Sir James: Yea, and to sacrifice myself ist expected.

Act 3, Scene 2. A garden party.

Scarbine: Mr Sinjin Pseudonym Smythe, may I introduce you to Baron Zorin?

Baron Zorin: Ha! Pleased to... meet you, good...... sir!
Sir James: Thou doth look familiar, hath we met before?
Baron Zorin: Nay, but I didst meet with Sir Sean Connery on "Ye Anderson Tapes".
Sir James: ‘Tis a wonderful chateau thou hast, Baron.
Baron Zorin: Aye, ‘tis a blast from the past. Thou art here for the sale of horses?
Sir James: True, I be interested in thine Ithacus colt, ye brother of Pegasus. Dost thou ride, Baron?
Baron Zorin: I love to get my thighs wrapped around an eager young filly. To feel the whip in mine hand, to feel the power of bending her to my will... er... ‘Tis in ye saddle I am happiest.
Sir James: And other sports? Ye throwing of darts, for example?
Baron Zorin: I'm also happy at the Oche.
Sir James: Wrestling ?
Baron Zorin: I did fight under the name The French Fancy!
Sir James: Dominoes ?
Baron Zorin: Always ready with a tile.
Sir James: Poohsticks ?
Baron Zorin: An all round sportsman am I, and probably better than you at them! I must attend my other guests, please enjoy ye party, sir. Thou shalt find the young maids stimulating company, they be from the local debating society.
(The Baron exits. Sir James meets an elderly man, dressed in lederhosen and wearing a Tyrol hat whilst eating a bratwurst and drinking beer.)
Dr Mortner: Guten tag, I am Herr Doktor Mortner, ja?
Sir James: Greetings, what part of France art thou from?
Dr Mortner: Many doth make that assumption, I studied and took my degree in France at the University of Stereotypical Mad Scientists, ‘twas a proud day when I was presented with mine monocle.
Sir James: And ye gaudy green footwear, ist that traditional dress?
Dr Mortner: Nein, I am only wearing them for a bet. Now let me show thee ye bar, we shall sup together with ale and mead.
Sir James: I noticed a most beautiful maiden earlier...
Dr Mortner: I wouldn't have noticed, I'm into Hungarian weight lifters...
(They do cross a crowded garden area full of happy people, to a small private drinking area.)
Sir James: Just what is your degree in, medicine?
Dr Mortner: Aye, and also chemistry, alchemy, sushi preparation, Salsa dancing, a certificate for woodwork and a bronze medal for swimming, as well as my interest in phrenology, where I feel the bumps on a lady's chest to determine her well being.
Sir James: I thought phrenology wast ye study of bumps on ye head?
Dr Mortner: You study whichever bumps you want, and I'll study what I want... Also I doth help with Baron Zorin's horsey things. And do a bit of cleaning in the evenings.
Sir James: Um? Then thou canst explain how his horses win so often.
Dr Mortner: ‘Tis simple, we chea... Ah hello Yeoman Conley, this is Mr Smith, Smythe, Smithy something like that.
Sir James: Art thou into horses then, Yeoman Conley ?
Yeoman Conley: Neigh, I like Korean women... er... nay, I be an engineer, from the colonies.
Sir James: I hast heard in the colonies there are many tall buildings, have you been responsible for any big erections?
Yeoman Conley: Depends on how tight my hose are, oh! Thou mean buildings. Thine pardon, I go the other way.
Sir James: Hungarian weightlifters ?
Yeoman Conley: Nay, with me ‘tis all shafts and bare-chested men.
Sir James: Grinder?
Yeoman Conley: Nay, I be a miner, I do mining stuff for Baron Zorin.
(Sir James spots ye beauteous maiden from earlier and wanders over.)

Sir James: Greetings, fair lady, thou may know me as James Sinjin Pseudonym Smythe. From Albion I hail.
Stacey: Ne'er would I have guessed. James, James, James, JAMES! I shalt use that more in conversation.
Sir James: Art thou interested in horses?
Stacey: Neigh, not any mare.
Sir James: Apologies, I foal a bit filly for asking.
Stacey: I canst not open this bottle- help me Sir James, help me!!! James!!!
Sir James: But of course.
(Sir James doth struggle with ye cork.)
Sir James: Martin, a little help here!
(Martin quickly wrestles the cork from the neck of the bottle.)
Sir James: See, I did ye hard part and did loosen it for him.
(Enter May Day, wearing the skin of a deboned giraffe with a long train held up by a couple of trained terriers, and a large hairstyle holding a bird cage with a small bird table on top to attract passing birds.)
May Day: 'Tis time for ye to depart, Lady Stacey.
Sir James: Hold fast, maid, I be making mine moves! At least let me walk the lady out?
May Day: Nay, she must leave on yonder two wheeled device, the front wheel so much smaller than the rear.
Sir James: Then I will walk with thee to thine Chopper.
May Day: Again nay!
Sir James: Oh, 'tis a pity. Now I shalt be alone!
May Day: Thou shalt be taken care of.
Sir James: Thou shalt see to that personally?
Mayday: Rest assured, Sir James, mine hand will be involved in thine end.
Sir James: I do hope ‘tis a happy ending!

Act 3, Scene 3. Ye stables. Enter Sir James and Sir Godfrey.

Sir Godfrey: A closer look at yon Ithacus horse I would have.
Sir James: Thou art suspicious, Sir Godfrey?
Sir Godfrey: Aye, for something ist surely wrong that he should so fleet be- a stud the age of Ithacus should not be so spry.
Sir James: Hold, what ist this?
(Sir James doth point to a sign behind ye stall, saying "Secret Chamber. No Entry. Have A Nice Day. If locked, key under mat.")
Sir Godfrey: This ist most strange.
(They open ye door and go in.)
Sir James: Hm, this ist where Zorin doth keep his most secret items- mouse-hunting equipment, hairspray, a timepiece covered in... ah...
Sir Godfrey: Look, Pegasus hath had surgery.
Sir James: Aye, although those fake breasts, big lips and mole on his left cheek don't do him justice!
Sir Godfrey: This one ist blue with a long mane and six legs?
Sir James: Have a Tar...
Sir Godfrey: Now, what ist this?
Sir James: This be a parchment advertising a sailor to come round to tell sailing stories and sing naughty shanties- Zorin must have some sea based interests.
Sir Godfrey: See ye here Sir James, this one ist so small, with a colourful mane- it doth remind me of my childhood with my little pony... although it doth have a coarse cough!
Sir James: ‘Tis probably just a little hoarse!
Sir Godfrey: And here, lo, Sir James- a horsewhip with a nail stuck in the end to make them go faster!
Sir James: So, that is how the stallions do win! This ist most illegal!
(Two ageing guards doth enter- Sir James’s stunt double doth take care of one easily, but Sir Godfrey ist almost defeated until Martin doth help.)
Sir James: Apace, Sir Godfrey, we must get back!
(Exeunt Sir James and Sir Godfrey.)

(Back at ye chateau.)
Baron Zorin: 'Tis strange, ye guards should have reported by now.
May Day: I willst go and... cry hold! Sir James Sinjin Pseudonym Smythe- he wast yon man at ye eating place with Croissant!
Baron Zorin: Make haste- change out of thine sandstone bikini and we willst call on him.
(May Day enters her chambers to find Sir James waiting in her bed.)
Sir James: Waiting have I been for thee to take care of me personally.
(May Day doth remove her clothing and climb atop Sir James.)
Sir James: No chit-chat? No small talk?
May Day: There ist naught to say.
Sir James: Mayhap there ist: Martin! Please...!

Act 3, Scene 4. Outside ye chateau, next morning. Sir Godfrey ist happily washing down ye horse. Enter Sir James.

Sir James: Sir Godfrey, a message to Sir Miles thou must send while I do meet with Baron Zorin. Impart unto him what we did find.
Sir Godfrey: But what reason canst I give for leaving ye chateau?
Sir James: Tell them thou must get ye horse washed! (Exits. Sir Godfrey grumpily throws ye bucket of water over ye horse, who pees over Sir Godfrey’s leg.)

(At a race course.)
Baron Zorin: Ah, Sir James, I do hope thou didst sleep well last night?
Sir James: Perchance to dream. Sleep eluded me, Baron, for I was restless from being a trifle stiff.
Baron Zorin: I hast something for thee which mayhap help, Sir James. 'Tis taken from this nag here, Misty. Shall I play Misty for thee, Sir James?
Sir James: Go ahead, make mine day.
Baron Zorin: Wouldst thee be interested more in speed? Or in stamina?
Sir James: At mine age, Baron, anything more than a lazy lob wouldst be a blessing.
Baron: Then I have just the stallion for thee Sir James: 'Tis called Viagra. Perhaps thee wouldst wish to try it out for thy morning ride?
Sir James: One rises to meet a challenge, Baron...
Baron Zorin: I shalt make thee a sporting proposition: we shalt ride for the Ithacus colt. Mount thine horse, Sir James- catch me if you can!
(Sir James and Baron Zorin ride off on their steeds. Sir James ist close behind Baron Zorin, whose steed jumps a hedge. As Sir James approaches, two of the Baron's henchmen doth water, prune and feed the hedge vigorously, till it doth grow most mightily. Sir James narrowly jumps ye hedge, but the Baron's henchmen falter.)
Sir James: (Turning back to ye fallen varlets) Don't take a-fence!
(Sir James turns back to ye race, as again Baron Zorin's henchmen doth toil to make Naught Naught Seven's plight harder. As the Baron leaps a small brook, a weeping Welsh actor doth considerably add to its depth by his tears. Sir James pulls a collapsible fishing rod from his pocket and casts its line to a protruding tree branch, allowing him to leap the turbulent white water with barely a splash.)
Sir James: (Turning back and throwing ye rod to ye Welshman.) Compliments of Sharkey!
(As the two race towards each other, Sir James takes ye lead, but Baron Zorin has a last card to play: he summons a waiting henchman wearing luminous green footwear. At this outrage, Sir James's stallion ist mightily alarmed and Sir James ist barely able to control ye panicking horse, which careens off towards a forest, followed by the Baron and his men. Sir James espies Sir Godfrey's carriage and races towards it, leaping from his steed just as it is about to throw him. Swinging into the carriage, he calls to Sir Godfrey- but to naught avail.)
Sir James: Sir Godfrey, make haste! We must...
(Ye driver ist not Sir Godfrey but May Day, in a carrot kimono with otterskin cuffs plus Sir Godfrey’s hat. Sir Godfrey lies dead beside her. Baron Zorin approaches.)
Baron Zorin: Thou hast lost, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: And thou shouldst not have slain Sir Godfrey. (May Day doth knock Sir James unconscious.)
Baron Zorin: Take him to ye lake at Sleepy Hollow! And watch out for yon man with green shoes...(Thump.)... Ah, too late.
(May Day leaps out and eagerly steals ye ghastly galoshes from ye unconscious man, donning them in place of her red flippers. They drive for ye lake.)
Baron Zorin: Farewell, Mr Sinjin Pseudonym Smythe!
(May Day pushes ye carriage into ye lake, and they watch.)

(Under ye lake.)
Sir James: (Awakening with ye cold water.) Nay, Felix, 'tis not time, I be not in ye mood... Ah... Oh!
(Sir James ingeniously uses ye small amount of air in ye horse's feedbag to breathe until Baron Zorin and May Day depart, then he doth swim to ye shore.)

Act 4, Scene 1. A port across the sea. Sir James walks through a crowd at a market to a fish stall.

Chuck: Can I help thee, good sir?
Sir James: Aye, I doth seek soft-shell crabs.
Chuck: We hath four main suppliers: Michelangelo, Leonardo, Raphael and Donatello. Come with me out back.... why do you tarry?
Sir James: For a moment I thought I did see mine friend Octopussy... but nay, I cannot be sure.
Chuck: ‘Tis true what they say, thou art always on the search of pus... er!... old friends.
Sir James: Funny how it goes with love, when thee not look'eth, thee finds it.
Chuck: I am Chuck Lamb, though mine friends call me "Sacrificial"- I know not why. 'Tis an honour to work with thee, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: I thank'ee. Hast thou found the Lady Stacey?
Chuck: Alack, we doth still search. Mayhap thee would be able to find her yourself, Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, 'twould be an unbelievable coincidence should I merely wander into a building and find her.
Chuck: I prithee, let me introduce you to this gnarled old fisherman who doth spin tales.
Loeff: Arr, all was well here till yon Baron Zorin didst anchor his galleon in ye bay. True at first it was all good fun as he brought many young ladies in naughty night attire, who'd dance on deck as a minstrel played, But I'm not talkin' 'bout pleasure boatin' or day sailin'. I'm talkin' 'bout workin' for a livin'. I'm talkin' 'bout sharkin'! To be a fisherman you need to be a hardy boy, now there art no fish to be had, all hath gone away.
Sir James: Gone where?
Loeff: No one knoweth. We thinks he bought them off, all we know is before they left Zorin had a big celebration, with ale and food aplenty- fish fillets, fish fingers, fish burgers, Fricassee O’Fish, fish kebabs and something called Sushi, (Aside.) whatever that be.
Sir James: It doth indeed smell fishy!
Loeff: That's probably me, to be honest.
Sir James: Then I must pay yon galleon a visit.

Act 4, Scene 2. Sir James doth swim to ye galleon.

Sir James: Most tiring this ist! (Aside.) I should hath got Martin to do this. 'Tis my hope that I shalt arrive just in time to hear something important. As usual.
(Sir James climb'eth up ye galleon and, completely dry with hair perfectly styled, stopping only to pop in a Werther's sucky sweet and place a shawl across his legs stealthily approaches a window from where he doth hear Baron Zorin speak.)
Sir James: ...Now, why did I swim over here...? Oh yes, the Baron.
Baron Zorin: So, Yeoman Conley, thou art sure all ist in order for Operation Grand Slam, er I do mean Project Main Strike?
Yeoman Conley: Aye, Baron, in three days from now.
(Enter May Day, in a shawl collar above a bikini with leather protruding from the bottom, dragging a varlet.)
May Day: This varlet, from ye land beyond ye Urals, hath been listening to our talk!
Baron Zorin: HOW RUDE! Then he must Walker D. Plank....
(Sir James watches as ye helpless man ist slain, then slips into ye sea to find another swimmer ahead of him. Sir James didn't know who he was, but he did have a lovely bottom, and he guessed a lovely nose too. He doth follow ye swimmer to ye shore, where they do fight.)
Sir James: Cry hold! Do I not know thee?
Pola: Thou art he who ist called Bond, James Bond!
Sir James: Pola Ivanova- what art thou doing here?
Pola: Hopefully you, in a few hours. Now, let us get to a place of comfort first.
Sir James: Yes, I do feel the cold now, and am looking forward to a hot bath, a cup of sweet tea, my slippers and perhaps catch up on the goings on in Midsommer.

(Later, at a boarding house.)
Sir James: Thou wert bearing an eye upon Baron Zorin, methinks, and yon man who wast slain wert thine accomplice?
Pola: 'Tis true, Sir James, sent have I been by General Gogol. Baron Zorin did used to be a yeoman of his, but hast betrayed him. The General thinks he ist up to no good. Now James, let me rub in this ointment on your tired limbs, ‘tis from ye apothecary. A deep heat mixture.
Sir James: That feels wonderful.
Pola: Would you like it to be harder?
Sir James: Absolutely, but at my age, that's the best I can hope for... Let me change the music
(Sir James walks over to the blindfolded violinist, who hast ten small parchments tied to his toes, and pull'eth on the one marked Tchaikovsky, as he quickly replaces the small scroll of notes Pola had been taking of Baron Zorin's meeting.)
Pola: (As she removes her undergarments....) Now Sir James, let me show you my swan song...
Sir James: I can see you wax..... lyrical.......
(Later as Sir James sleeps, Pola exits silently to meet with General Gogol. Only as they leave in his carriage do they discover Sir James hath switched scrolls, and all they have ist a parchment about pensioner burial plans.... Sir James rises from his bed chamber to more closely observe ye scroll of Zorin's conversation.)
Sir James: (Reading aloud.) Thou art sure all ist in order for Operation Grand Slam, er I do mean Project Main Strike? ..... Main Strike, eh?

Act 4, Scene 3. Ye council chambers.

Dignitary Howe: Greetings, good sir. Dignitary Wye wast busy, Dignitary Wear ist ill, and Dignitary Wenn ist taking days of leisure so I shalt help thee with thine enquiry.
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Yeoman Stock, from Albion I doth hail.
Dignitary Howe: And how shalt I help thee?
Sir James: Many in Albion are interested in the Colonies, and ye many great characters like Baron Zorin.
Dignitary Howe: Oh, he be’eth a lovely man, only recently he sent me over this basket of fish cakes along with several crates of fine mead; oddly they have some cloths sticking out of ye necks of ye bottles, but I'm guessing that ist a French thing.
Sir James: Interesting, I didn't know that.... as interesting as finding out that he's running seawater through his pipes?
Dignitary Howe: That be perfectly normal, Baron Zorin ist one of our largest exporters of Castor Oil, ‘tis safer to use water, if there is a leak. As if it were Castor Oil..... well I don't have to say the sort of diarrhoea problems we'd have.
Sir James: Good to get to the bottom of it.
Dignitary Howe: Now, I'm not a busy man but I have to end this audience as I feel like firing someone.
Sir James: Thank you, may I use your back passage?
Dignitary Howe: How dare you Yeoman Stock, this may be the colonies but even we have our standards.... thou must take me dancing and buy me dinner first.
(Sir James exits, but notices ye Lady Stacey enter Dignitary Howe's office.... and decides that after a quick afternoon nap he must follow her when she leaves.)

Act 4, Scene 4. Ye house of Lady Stacey. Sir James, having followed Stacey, stealthily enters her house. 'Tis a large mansion, but bereft of furnishings. He enters her chambers, where she awaits with a flintlock.

Stacey: As I did think, thou art naught but one of Zorin's men.
Sir James: Nay, 'tis not so, I hath come to offer thee mine aid in-
(From below they do hear the sounds of varlets entering. Sir James doth grab ye flintlock and make battle with them. With Martin's aid, ye varlets are swiftly overcome and flee.)
Sir James: Thou may know me as Stock, James Stock, from Albion I doth hail. And I be not one of Zorin's men, indeed ye very opposite. Sorry for breaking thine old vase.
Stacey: No matter, t'was all I had left. I think that travelling feng shui expert did screw me over!
Sir James: The room doth have a lovely flow.
Stacey: Talk we must, but hungry am I.
Sir James: Then to ye pantry we shalt go.
Stacey: Ye pantry? But I cannot cook- help me Sir James, help me! James James JAMES!!!
Sir James: Worry ye not- to dabble I hath been known.
Stacey: Thou can cook?
Sir James: Well, I do have a licence to grill...
(Later in the pantry, both Sir James and ye Lady Stacey prepare to dine....)
Stacey: That looks amazing, what is it?
Sir James: It be an oven! Thee really doth not cook much.... But this be mine speciality: Smalahove, with Broccoli and spinach.
Stacey: Phuyuck! Spinach! But the Smalahove ist delicious, and moist through to the base.
Sir James: Unlike ye Lady Mary Berry, I do like a soggy bottom. I would like the crust a bit darker, though.
Stacey: So, Sir James, your flan has paled...
Sir James: Here, have some of this fine mead.
(After their nourishment, they do talk.)
Stacey: Baron Zorin hast made my mind up, I'll fight him all the way! My grandfather mined for Castor Oil, my father taking over the firm and he expected me to take over the family business, but Baron Zorin cheated him out of the mine in a rigged bare knuckle tiddlywinks tournament. Zorin greased up my father's squidger! You can imagine how that affected his tiddlies. After that my father was a broken man, ending up on the docks doing a lascivious version of golf to try and excite lonely sailors.
Sir James: What was his handicap?
Stacey: His grip of the shaft wasn't up to much.... And his hold on the club was difficult too. Ever since that day, I hast been trying to get mine mine back, after all that mine’s mine!
Sir James: I shalt keep watch tonight in case Baron Zorin should send more of his blaggards to attack ye and I willst round up my friend Chuck Lamb and together we shalt make plans.

Act 4, Scene 5. Ye council chambers.

Stacey: Lo, these be the parchments of Baron Zorin's holdings.
Sir James: What doth he hold ?
Stacey: (Looking behind Sir James.) A small crossbow of some sort me thinks!
(Sir James turns to find Baron Zorin pointing ye crossbow, and May Day wearing a balsa wood chemise with turtle shells on her feet.)
Baron Zorin: So have you two joined....
Sir James: A bit of a personal question, old boy.
Baron Zorin: ... forces, or perhaps farces might be more suitable. May Day, disarm Sir James before we pray an audience with Dignitary Howe.
(They do cross a passage way to Dignitary Howe's office.....)
Dignitary Howe: Stacey, Baron Zorin? Why doth thee crave my audience so late?
Sir James: Thou art being used, Dignitary Howe!
Dignitary Howe: Oh, I like that, if thou could add a little humiliation, name calling, maybe a bit of spanking, I'm up for that!
Sir James: Nay, Baron Zorin is a psychopath!
Dignitary Howe: He ist a laneway for riding one's chopper?
Sir James: Nay, that be'eth a cycle path. He ist a criminal of the first order!
Dignitary Howe: Nay, this cannot be true, only last week he did put on a great dance display- here! https://youtu.be/wCDIYvFmgW8
Baron Zorin: Send ye a runner, these two knaves hath stolen records from thine vault.....
(Dignitary Howe doth send a small boy to run to the local constabulary.)
Baron Zorin:.... And slain thee with Sir James's sword
Dignitary Howe: But sir, that would mean I would be slain?
Baron Zorin: Aye! (He doth quickly run him through with Sir James' sword.)
Dignitary Howe: Oh, shafted in the end! (And he doth expire.)
Baron Zorin: Quickly May Day, use those bottles of mead with cloths in the necks to burn this building down.
Stacy: Good, for a second I thought he may have been going to hurt us.
Baron Zorin: Thee and Sir James art to be placed in the goods pulley system, across the vestibule.
Stacey: How can such things happen to someone?
Sir James: They doth happen to me on a regular basis.
(Baron Zorin doth place them on the platform, and May Day doth lower them down, stopping the pulley when they art between floors, as Baron Zorin begins setting fire to Dignitary Howe's office and vestibule.)
Baron Zorin: Farewell, I shalt leave thee in a blaze of glory, and soon you, Lady Stacey will be just an old flame!
Sir James: You've a flaming cheek Baron.
Baron Zorin: Soon it will be your cheeks feeling the flames... (He doth drop a burning bottle down on them and exits.)
Stacey: AHH! JAMES, JAMES! Help me, James!
Sir James: Quickly Stacey, grab the rope above before it completely burns through, and climb up. The platform ist about to fall through.
(They do climb quickly with Sir James behind Stacey.)
Stacey: I can see an opening, I'll try and reach it.
Sir James: (Looking up at her rear.) I did have a similar thought good lady!
(Soon they art free of the burning shaft, and slide down a ladder the local constabulary have set up to fight ye fire with buckets of water carried on red carriages.)
Constable: Hey, be'eth this thine sword?
Sir James: Aye, many thanks.
Constable: Ha! I did fool thee- this was found in Dignitary Howe.
Sir James: His office?
Constable: Nay his chest. Thou art to be taken to prison for such a foul deed!
Stacey: Nay, this be'eth James Stock from Albion.
Constable: Art thee ?
Sir James: Thou canst check with Chuck Lamb.
Constable: Alack, Lamb wast roasted in Chinatown earlier.
Sir James: In truth, I am he who is called Bond, James Bond, of Her Majesty's Secret Service.
Constable: Aye! Well, I be Robin Hood and I still am taking thee to ye dungeon.
(Sir James doth assail ye constable and both he and Stacey make escape.)

Act 4, Scene 6. In a carriage.

Sir James: Stacey we shall escape on this.
Stacey: What be this called?
Sir James: Starts with "F" and ends in "UCK"..... FireTruck!
Stacey: Make haste, Sir James, ye constables doth follow us!
(They make a hasty getaway, with ye constables in hot pursuit.)
Sir James: Take care, Stacey, watch for that man with green trai- (Thump.)
Stacey: Too late.
Sir James: My friend Lord Felix t'was once a fireman and did tell of the time a young boy was drowning in a pond. He did jump in to save him. As Felix is a brave and mighty warrior with great pecs, a stomach like a wash board... And an ass.....
Stacey: Go on...
Sir James: ...Well, he did pull the boy half out of the pond and began to pump his chest to expel water, as recommended by the Old Wizard. At first t'was only water, but then came some water lilies and minnows..... until Maid Moneypenny suggested "Lord Felix, thou should pull that boys ass out of the pond before thee pumps it dry!" ...... Happy days. Now, I must make use of this carriage's equipment- here, grab this...
Stacey: Why Sir James, how I hast longed to hear you say that!
Sir James: Take ye the reins, Stacey!
(Sir James doth climb to ye rear of ye carriage, which ist full of barrels of water, ropes, ladders and other fire-fighting apparatus. Plus a tutu.)
Sir James: Hmm, I doth suppose the tutu ist in case they dance into the fire. Also a couple of Spanish made hoses. HoseA and HoseB!
(Stacey doth throw ye carriage violently from side to side, to discombobulate their pursuers, as Sir James throws buckets and rope at them, to block their view of upcoming hazards. One following carriage ist sliced in twain by a tree, completely destroying their left side!)
Sir James: There be nothing left... he ist all right!
Stacey: JAMES! Less puns more rescuing!
Sir James: Thou be'eth the second pregnant maiden I hath rescued this year.
Stacey: I be'eth not with child!
Sir James: Thou art not rescued yet!
Stacey: Oh, Sir James!
(Ye chase continues apace, until they spy the drawbridge before them beginning to rise...)
Stacey: JAMES! JAMES!
Sir James: Stay true to thine route m’lady, straight on till morning! Cry havoc and let loose the hose of water!
(Sir James doth spray the last of ye water behind him, causing many horses to slip and slide, and causing much mayhem among their pursuers who crash their carriages most violently against the bridge entrance.)
Stacey: Thou wert magnificent, Sir James.
Sir James: (Aside.) Thank'ee for thine aid, Martin, now hide.... I can do the next bit myself. (Aloud.) It be’eth mine job.
Stacey: Many have spoken of your "stamina and dedication" whenst on the job.
Sir James: Hmm, hath thee been gossiping with Moneypenny?

Act 5, Scene 1. Sir James and Stacey arrive at a mine.

Stacey: This ist ye place where mine father mined, this mine.
Sir James: This mine?
Stacey: Nay, ‘tis mine mine- till Zorin didst steal it. I doth hope he ist here.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis here we shalt find our quarry.
Stacey: Nay, Sir James, ‘tis not a quarry- ‘tis mine mine.
Sir James: This mine?
Stacey: Nay, ‘tis... thou art pulling mine leg, Sir James. Lo, here cometh a yeoman.
Yeoman: Thou canst drink tea or coffee in yonder shack, cometh ye back when a quarter hath passed.
Sir James: I thank’ee. (Sir James and Stacey enter ye shack.)
Stacey: Wouldst thou care for tea, Sir James? Mayhap a nice cocoa?
Sir James: Nay, 'tis not yet ye hour for mine nap. A closer look at yon mine do I crave.
Stacey: Then we should use these miners' uniforms- lo, a pity there not be’eth one in mine size!
(Stacey doth call for Martin to bring his sewing kit and make many, many adjustments to ye garment, until it look'eth like it did come from a bespoke fashion house, as Sir James mutters to himself.)
Stacey: Then we should use these miners' uniforms- lo, and here ist one conveniently in mine size!
Sir James: What a coincidence, I had been thinking of thee in a minor's uniform..... cheerleader...nurse.... the list is endless.
Stacey: Lo, those pit ponies are pulling carts into ye mine .
Sir James: Aye, we should hide in one.
Stacey: Wouldn't that kill the pony?
Sir James: I was thinking of hiding in a cart.
Stacey: That doth sound better!
(Sir James and Stacey hide in a cart full of gunpowder, which is taken into ye mine.)
Sir James: (Whispers.) Canst thou not keep still, Stacey?
Stacey: (Whispers.) Dost thou know upon what I sit?
Sir James: (Whispers.) I shalt go into that later.
(Ye cart stops at a shack down ye mine. Sir James and Stacey sneak out into ye shack and lock ye door.)
Sir James: Look ye at these scrolls and parchments, Stacey.
Stacey: 'Tis awful! Baron Zorin ist going to blow up this mine with gunpowder, and bring down ye potato fields above!
Sir James: ...thus increasing the value of his own potato fields and the micro-chips he doth make.
(There ist a furious rattling at ye door. Enter Baron Zorin and May Day, dressed in potato skins with trained moths weaving silk around them. Stacey and Sir James, with some help from Martin, leap out through ye window.)
Baron Zorin: After them!
(May Day and JFF run off.)

(Sir James and Stacey run along a mine shaft.)
Stacey: Where canst we hide Sir James? They do follow apace!
Sir James: Look how that torch flickers, there must be an opening to the left.
(They do race ahead, finding a tall air shaft, which they start to climb as May Day follows....)
May Day: Hold fast knaves, or I will attack thee!
Stacey: Help me Sir James, help me!! James James JAMES!!!!
Sir James: Keep climbing Stacey, I and Martin will deal with May Day.
(Stacey climbs up as both Sir James and Martin do battle with May Day, but quickly Martin ist vanquished, leaving Sir James to fight alone.)
May Day: Thee fight like a once weakly man, Sir James.
Sir James: I never did it only once a week!
(Back at ye mine office Baron Zorin and Scarbine watch ye burning time candle.)
Baron Zorin: ‘Tis time to reduce my manpower payments.... (They do both produce bows and begin killing their yeomen. One called Wilhelm, in green shoes, screams horribly.) Set off the small gunpowder plot, to close the shafts! (Scarbine lights the fuse, and both begin to laugh...) They can take their loyalty to the grave, which I be supplying, as a generous liege.
Scarbine: Thou be always thinking of others, Baron.
Baron Zorin: Good, we art on schedule! When ye main gunpowder pile goes up even Sir James will have had his chips! Well, this ist now ye dead zone- let us get away from here.
(Gunpowder explosions rock through the mine, one close by ye air shaft where Sir James battles Mayday, causing water to pour through the mine from a close by lake.)
Sir James: Have at thee, sir... er, ma’am!
May Day: Make no concessions for me, thou male chauvinist pig! I be’eth a modern woman, who need'eth no man for help- I kill my own spiders, open my own jar lids, I canst even parallel park mine carriage!
Sir James: (Blocking a punch) Listen ... Explosions!
(They both fall into ye flowing water which carries them along a mine tunnel, seeing bodies float past them.)
May Day: Jenny!
Sir James: The Baron hath double-crossed many! Let's get back to ye mine office.
(They exit and make their way back.)
May Day: Down there ist ye largest pile of ye Baron’s gunpowder, but if we remove this large barrel, it will stop the main explosion.
Sir James: Damn! Thee did knock out Martin! How can I get it up?
May Day: (Aside.) At your age, I too did wonder...... Lo, this pulley and tackle, I canst lower thee down.
Sir James: Um? You're going to pull my tackle and go down...?
May Day: Quick Sir James, prepare to mount...
(Sir James raises an eyebrow.)
May Day:.... the apparatus.
(With much effort, grunting and sweating Sir James manages to get on and May Day lowers him down.)
Sir James: That's it May Day, now pull it up quickly, there be some sort of acid timer attached.
May Day: Get on, I can pull you both off........ the floor and up here.
(With much effort, grunting and sweating......... Sir James manages to get on.)
May Day: (Through grunts and gasps.) Thee might try and cut down on the roast beef, Sir James, mayhap try a salad once in a while.
Sir James: Mine six pack is precious to me- That ist why I protect it with a layer of fat. Also I did forget to go to ye gym again today..... That's seven years in a row now!
May Day: Thine humour hath given me strength.
(She swings ye barrel over to a cart and lowers it in. With much effort, grunting and sweating.... Sir James manages to get off.)
Sir James: (Aside.) I hope'eth Martin ist back soon!
May Day: Help me push ye cart outside, there ist an incline , so it should not be too vexing for thee .
(They both push, but ye brake engages. May Day jumps on and orders Sir James to push.)
Sir James: May Day don't be stupid, jump off!
May Day: Stupid, eh? Still a provider of the patriarchal system of putting women down!
Sir James: Pardon?
May Day: Slay Baron Zorin for me! Tell him he wast crap in bed and I did fake everything!
(Sir James can only watch as ye cart exits ye mine entrance.)

Act 5, Scene 2. Outside ye mine.

Baron Zorin: Quickly, Scarbine, cast off ye ropes and we will away!
(Scarbine unties ye mooring ropes and both doth leap into ye basket of a huge hot air balloon and take off.)
Scarbine: Mine liege, look there!
Baron Zorin: ‘Tis May Day! What ist she- (Ye cart explodes.) Nay! Mine plan ist ruined!
Scarbine: And look there, also.
Baron Zorin: Stacey! Scarbine, lower ye balloon towards her.
(Sir James emerges from ye mine in time to see Baron Zorin seize Stacey and ye balloon begin to rise. Lamenting once again ye absence of Martin, he doth quickly seize on one of ye dangling ropes.)
Scarbine: I appear to have a dangler, mine liege.
Baron Zorin: Take a personal moment, for a quick wipe.
Scarbine: Nay, there seems to be more weight on the front- Dr Mortner, use ye bellows for more lift.
Sir James: Hey, less of ye weight jokes please.
(Ye wind doth push ye balloon towards a nearby bridge.)
Sir James: I vaguely remember doing something clever with laces once, which might help..... if only I could remember.
Baron Zorin: The Gods art with us, we can crush him against ye bridge- which will hurt him more than it hurts me.
Stacey: JAMES, JAMES, JAMES, JAMES ......JAMES!!!
Baron Zorin: That ist going to get annoying, real fast!
Scarbine: Telleth me about it!
(Ye balloons rope crashes against the bridge, but as quickly as he can Sir James ties it off.)
Scarbine: We be’eth caught on something?
Baron Zorin: Dr Mortner, ye bellows, more POWER!!!
Scarbine: No use, we be’eth still caught.
Baron Zorin: He ist at close range- get ye outside and finish him!
Scarbine: (Quickly donning a turban.) Out THERE???
Stacey : AHH! JAMES, JAMES, JAMES (As she hits Scarbine with a log from the bellows fire.) .....JAMES, JAMES, JAMES! (She doth jump from ye balloons cabin, to land in ye arms of... Martin! Who quickly hands her over to Sir James, and hides below the bridge.)
Sir James: Easy Stacey, we all have our bridges to cross. Quickly get down beside Martin....
Baron Zorin: If thee wants something done, thee must do it thine self! Prepare for death, Sir James.
(Zorin raises his sword and jumps at Sir James and they do battle on the narrow bridge ledge.)
Sir James: Do you leave burning bridges behind thee, or just burning dignitaries offices?
Baron Zorin: I do hath a burning hatred for thee! Thou must have nine lives! Now stand still so I can slay thee .
(Sir James punches the Baron, and taketh his sword from him.)
Sir James: In Albion we hath a saying "What go'eth up, must cometh down.”
(Sir James doth shoulder Baron Zorin from the ledge and he doth fall to his doom!)
Dr Mortner: Baron, Baron, Baron!
Scarbine: Oh, don't you start!
(Dr Mortner grabs up a small tube of gunpowder to throw but drops it into the balloons fire, quickly Sir James uses Zorin's sword to cut the rope holding it, just as ye cabin of ye craft doth explode.)
Stacey: OH, JAMES, JAMES, JAMES...
Sir James: STACEY, STACEY, STACEY, STACEY...
Stacey: Oh, now that I hear it, I can see how that could get annoying.
Sir James: Easily fixed Stacey, after all we can always build bridges. Now come on, Martin can help us down.

Act 5, Scene 3. Ye mansion of Stacey, in her bath chamber.

Sir James: Now, 'tis time to clean up a few loose ends...
Stacey: Oh, James James JAME-(Sir James quickly kisses Stacey.)
Martin: (Off.) ...Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, Martin- this I shalt handle myself.

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Thunderpussy, Barbel, Charmed & Dangerous with a nod to Number 24 and Dirty Punker.

This one is dedicated to the late Martin Grace, who doubled for Sir Roger in many sequences in AVTAK and earlier.

Barbel · February 2017

Act 1, Scene 1. High above a sea. Sir Miles Messervy addresses three soldiers.

Sir Miles: Honoured soldiers, though to our secular lords our present endeavour be no more than a mere plaything, a bagatelle for gaining that experience held high in our conscience, so from our spring I hold it as a matter of mine honour that thee, furbished with the Naughts redoubled, will disdain fortune in pursuit and shall cause no discomfort to fall upon me.
(Exeunt ye three soldiers. A strong wind blows ye papers of Sir Miles around.)
Sir Miles: Oh a thousand damnations be upon thee!

Act 1, Scene 2. A rock in the sea. Ye first soldier ist quickly detected.

1st Sentry: In truth, sirrah, out of this merriment you are.
2nd Sentry: Cry hold! You live no more.
(Ye first soldier ist apprehended.)
1st Sentry: Some learn by the mistakes of others- thou, I do fear, art one of the others.

Act 1, Scene 5. A boat in the sea.

Bored Maiden: Of the life herein I do weary. I seek merely a man who is strong and true, and plays not of the tennis.
(Enter Sir James.)

Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. To Sir Miles in one hour I must make report.
Bored Maiden: I prithee, leave me not.
Sir James: Forsooth, one hour shall become two.

Intermission. Maidens dance, a Norseman sings.

Act 2, Scene 1. An opera house.

Saunders: I am Saunders, he who commands Vienna. Thine tardiness ist most reprehensible.
Sir James: Of the essence time holds no sway. Lo, yonder maiden sweet music upon her cello doth make, yet no more sweet than her own fair charms.
Saunders: Thou must take leave of the fairer sex, Naught Naught Seven, thine duty precedence must take.
Sir James: To the border thou must make haste, I prithee in what manner?
Saunders: Thy pardon must I crave, unknown to thee shall be my route. Scroll the six-and-twentieth, paper the fifth. Thine understanding I am certain of.
Sir James: Hmm...
Saunders: Thou art to protect General Koskov from enemy fire whilst he doth defect to our side.
Sir James: I am?
Saunders: Most especially he hast asked for thee, for he doth believe that thou art ye best.
Sir James: ‘Tis true, nobody does it better.
Saunders: Now, ‘tis time we were in our assigned position- come with me.

Act 2, Scene 3. A cave.

Old Wizard: To the depths in this pig of base metal must thee journey, or as with borscht shalt thou boil.
Sir James: Pig? Surely thou dost jest!
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my pork, Naught Naught Seven.
Koskov: I know not of pigs or borscht or sweetmeats!
Sir James: To Albion thou shalt travel, General Koskov.
Saunders: This I do not understand- impart to me thine plan!
Sir James: Thy pardon must I crave. Scroll the six-and-twentieth, paper the fifth. Thine understanding I am certain of.

Act 2, Scene 4. A carriage.

Sir James: Take care, Saunders, watch out for yon man there! (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Saunders: His green shoes did distract me.
Sir James: Be merry, Saunders, thine plan successful has been.
Saunders: Report must I make of thy shortcomings, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Get thee to Sir Miles and disclose unto him that which pleases thee. Should he but terminate my employ, I shall upon him heap great praise in reciprocation! One endpiece of a flintlock from the other know'est ye fair damsel not. Verily, whomsoever she may be, the light of day which survives in her has been sent to flight.

Act 3, Scene 2. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Sir James: Of thine choice in caviar have I differed, my liege, and in truth the fair damsel doth live still.
Sir Miles: Then, marry, from Hong Kong shall Naught Naught Eight be summoned. His pursuance of orders doth exceed thine, whose disposition lends favour to instinct, wherefore Pushkin he knows not. Four-and-ten days of leisure shall be given to thee.
Sir James: Nay!... Sire. If this deed is decreed to come to pass, let me endeavour to make it so.

Act 3, Scene 4. Ye Old Wizard's lair.

Old Wizard: In my crystal ball I see the woman you seek, whose humour it is to take the life of men with her thighs.
Moneypenny: Sir James, thine type she most surely ist!
Sir James: Nay, thou art mistaken, Maid Moneypenny, my type thou art.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. For those across the sea I have laboured long and weary, in the creation of this blaster of ghettos.
Sir James: And what ist this here?
Old Wizard: 'Tis a Scottish ceremonial dagger, worn in one's sock.
Sir James: In ye sock? Surely thou doth jest!
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my dirk, Naught Naught Seven.
Moneypenny: 'Twas unknown to me your fondness for the muse, Sir James. I entreat thee, should happenstance in the twilight hour thou be unencumbered, thou should attend my domicile for perusal of my Barry Manilow collection.
Sir James: Er, I shalt take out this new carriage for a spin, Old Wizard. (Starts to drive off.)
Old Wizard: Take care with thine carriage, Naught Naught Seven- new livery it doth have! And watch out for that man with green trainers! (Thump.) Never mind.

Act 5, Scene 4. Another carriage, fashioned by the DB5th Earl of Aston and the Viscount Martin.

Lady Kara: Take care, Sir James, ye constables do pursue us.
Sir James: Then we shalt go faster.
Lady Kara: They do fire arrows upon us, but thine windows do not shatter!
Sir James: Verily this modern safety glass doth astound! In truth, installation of those accessories named as optional I have caused.
Lady Kara: To the distant constables thou canst listen- be this witchcraft?
Sir James: Nay, sweet lady, 'tis but an anomaly of the air that surrounds us.
Lady Kara: Watch out for yon man studying his timepiece! (Thump.) Oh, Sir James, he ist in ye ditch- I canst see his feet, clad in green training shoes, wriggling about.
Sir James: Then, no matter.

Act 6, Scene 4.A foreign place of amusement. A band play "Good Morning Vienna Town".

Sir James: Balloon, I have no quarrel with thee
and yet you in my angry embrace be;
Your inflator I must surely stop
forgive my tightening grip that you must...
*pop*
(Tall German man weeping in background: )

Act 7, Scene 2. A boudoir.

Pushkin: Dost thou call on me with social intent, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Lilies of the field should thee have brought. Faith in Koskov have I none, lest thy death be upon thee.
Pushkin: Then die I must.

Act 7, Scene 7. Another boudoir. Lady Kara sits with her cello.

Lady Kara: Sir James, Sir James, wherefore art thou Sir James?
(Enter Sir James.)
Lady Kara: I prithee, take this drink, Sir James.
Sir James: Most certainly.
(Sir James quaffs the drink proffered.)
Sir James: Lady Kara, 'tis the hour when all deceit laid aside must be. No friend of Georgi's am I; whence Albion, where my duties lie, I journeyed seeking his atonement for the betrayal of all. 'Twas I, none other, that with aim true shot the flintlock from your sweet hands.
Lady Kara: Nay, with Georgi have I made my peace.
Sir James: Most sleepy I do suddenly feel- what hast thou done?
(Enter General Koskov.)
Koskov: Thou shalt come with me, Sir James.

Act 8, Scene 2. High above another sea.

Sir James: (Awakening.) ...oh yes, do that again Felix... Oh. Georgi, 'tis thou.
Koskov: A thousand pardons, Sir James, my love for thee is boundless, yet the ancients shall proclaim that no sweethearts hath duty.
Sir James: Thou art replete with it, those ancients in my land shall proclaim.
Koskov: I assure you, mine conscience ist clean.
Sir James: Only as it hast never been used.
Koskov: Thou art mistaken, Sir James.
Sir James: If thou wishes to learn about mistakes, thou should ask thine parents.
Lady Kara: A fool have I been.
Sir James: No more than I, my lady.

Act 8, Scene 4. A gaol.

Warder: Long and weary have I waited for a captive woman.

Bearded Man: Oh free me from this captivity! Innocent am I!
Warder: Thy death shall await thee in the dawn hour, though shot shall take precedence over the rope.
(He strikes Sir James, who falls.)
Warder: To descend I did bid thee not!
(Sir James rises and is struck once more.)
Warder: Neither were thou bidden to ascend!
(Sir James overcomes ye Warder in battle.)
Lady Kara: Oh most magnificent thou art! Our freedom has been granted!
Sir James: Yet in a fortress in a foreign citadel we remain.
Bearded Man: For this boon I thank thee. Come with me!

Act 9, Scene 3. Still another boudoir.

Lady Kara: Oh fool thou art! Nothing more than a steed's hindermost quarters!
Sir James: Verily shrew, doth thee compare mineself to the posterior of a beast of thy fields!

Act 11, Scene 4. In the lair of a villain.

Koskov: Honoured Pushkin, my delight in our reunion doth know no bounds.
Pushkin: As doth mine, Georgi. To Moscow thou shalt fly- within the satchel of diplomacy!
Sir James: And of the Lady Kara?
Pushkin: Her fate we must discuss.

Act 12, Scene 1. Another opera house.

Sir James: To miss this performance I would not.
Lady Kara: Oh, Sir James!

(Exeunt omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

(Fleming/Shakespeare/Maibaum/Wilson arr. Barbel/Chrisisall/Thunderpussy)

Barbel · February 2017

PERMISSION TO SLAY

Act 1, Scene 1. 'Tis the wedding of Felix, Lord of Leiter. In a carriage sit Lord Felix, Sir James, and a Man Who Is Not Quarrel, Definitely Not. All are suitably attired.

Lord Felix: Be thou certain thou hast the ring?
Fake Quarrel: Me?
Lord Felix: Nay, Sir James!
Sir James: Aye, I have rented this penny dreadful but I haven't watched it yet, as I heard in seven days death can befall the viewer.
Lord Felix: The wedding ring, Sir James!
Sir James: Be thou at rest, Lord Felix, 'tis safe in this secret pocket the Old Wizard hath attached to mine doublet.
Quarrel Expy: Lo, Lord Felix, yon horseman beckons thee.
(A rider calls Lord Felix, and they speak.)
Lord Felix: Alack, a varlet I have been in quest of hath come from his place of safety and is easily within our clutches. I must give chase!
Not Quarrel: But, Lord Felix, 'tis thine wedding day!
Lord Felix: Sir James, thou must explain to mine bride.
Sir James: Thou canst be certain this has no chance of happening, come with thee I must.
Lord Felix: Then let it be so, though strictly in the part of observer. Imitation Quarrel, thou must explain to the Lady Della.
Quarrel Stand-In: Nay, let it not be so! Mine balls she willst have for a bow-tie!
(Lord Felix and Sir James leave Ersatz Quarrel to his fate and go with the horseman.)

Act 1, Scene 2. A boudoir. Signora Lupe ist in bed with a man. Enter Lord Sanchez and his men, including Dario del Toro.

Sanchez: Seize him!
Lupe: Nay, Franz, nay!
Sanchez: He did promise thee his heart? Give her his heart!
(Dario and the others lead the man off.)
Sanchez: Thine exploits become ever more creative, mine sweet.
Lupe: Please, Franz!
(He proceeds to beat her with a green training shoe. Enter Dario.)
Dario: Mine Lord, ye must make haste! Lord Felix doth approach with his men!
Sanchez: Then away I must!

Act 1, Scene 3. Outside the boudoir.

(Sanchez doth make his escape in his winged chariot.)
Lord Felix: Make haste, capture him!
(Signora Lupe comes out of the boudoir. Sir James, not a man to overlook an attractive damsel, approaches her.)
Sir James: Mine help I offer thee?
Lupe: Nay, thine help I do not need. And it seems I do not have room for another gentleman in my life at this time.
(Sir James joins Lord Felix and Sanchez ist captured.)

Intermission. Maidens dance with flintlocks and gambling chips. A woman from across the sea sings.

Act 2, Scene 1. The wedding of Felix, Lord of Leiter, and Lady Della.

Lady Della: So jolly thou art, Sir James!
Sir James: I do sense that I may be exceeding angry soon, so compensate I must.
German Extra: (Aside.) Over-compensate, I should say.
Lady Della: A gift have I for thee, as best man.
Sir James: Marry, what ist this? Two pieces of flint labelled "Love from Della and Felix"! I thank'ee, Lady Della, for I have taken up tobacco smoking here in the colonies, in such a big way it doth be mistaken for an addiction if one didn't know better.
Lady Della: I prithee, Sir James, the best man must make a speech!
Sir James: Lord Felix I have known for six-and-thirty years, or possibly seven-and-twenty depending on how thou dost count it. In this time he hast not changed, except six times, and I have not changed, except four times, and sure I am that further changes we will yet go through. Yet I am proud to call him friend, and most glad I am to be present on his wedding day.
Counterfeit Quarrel: Hey! I'll drink to that!
Lady Della: Now, Sir James, thou must mine husband find in order to cut this cake. Look at this cake. Is this a small cake? I guarantee you there's no problem! I guarantee it!

(The chambers of Lord Felix.)
Sir James: Lord Felix, thine bride hast sent me to summon thine presence.
Lord Felix: And this I shall gladly comply with. Sir James, pray greet Countess Bouvier.
Sir James: Hail to th... (Countess Bouvier departs in haste.) ....hmmm.
Lord Felix: Think nothing of it, Sir James. Thou hast merely caught me looking guilty in the lone company of a very attractive young lady on my wedding day. Let us rejoin the party!

(After the party.)
Lady Della: Oh, Felix, I canst not wait!
Lord Felix: Nor can I, my....
(Dario and other varlets doth await in ye bridal chamber.)

Act 2, Scene 2. A villain's lair.

Lord Felix: Opium Lord Sanchez! Where ist mine wife?
Dario: Worry not, Lord Felix, (Sings.) we didst give her a nice honeymooooon! (Does jazz hands.)
Sanchez: And now I must introduce you to mine friend, Carcharadon Carcha... Carcha.... a shark. Look at this shark. Is this a small shark? I guarantee you there's no problem! I guarantee it!
Yeoman Killifer: Er, mine lord, I...
Sanchez: Lord Felix, 'tis mine intent to give you to this shark which has not been fed for ten wee-
Yeoman Killifer: Mine lord, please, I-
Sanchez: Will you stop interrupting, Killifer! I must explain to-
Yeoman Killifer: Er, forgive me, lord, but this morning yon shark didst appear terribly hungry so I... er...
Sanchez: What hast thou done? Do not tell me thou hast fed the shark?
Yeoman Killifer: Aye, sire, I didst give him a hell of a chunk of dough.
Sanchez: Then thou shalt be next! Dario?
(Dario doth push Yeoman Killifer into the shark tank. Ye shark eats Killifer, leaving just a little bitty piece.)
Sanchez: And now, Lord Felix, 'tis thine turn.
(Dario pushes Lord Felix into the tank.)
Dario: Ye shark ist not eating him, sire.
Sanchez: Art thou sure? Poke him with a stick! Nay, not Lord Felix- the shark!
Dario: Mayhap our shark ist not hungry now, mine lord.
Sanchez: 'Tis true, naught but a hand hast he nibbled. Oh well, pull him out, it will have to do.

Act 2, Scene 3. A port.

Sir James: Greetings, fair maiden, I seek passage on the next ship to Albion.
Port Wench: Most certainly, good sir.
(Sir James looks around.)
Sir James: I prithee, wherefore art so many soldiers here?
Port Wench: I hear tell some opiumlord hath escaped custody.
Sir James: Will I be able to smoke mine tobacco onboard? (Sir James strikes his flints together, to make a spark. He succeeds eventually.)
Port Wench: Sadly no, milord, new laws forbid this- unless thou dost pay an extra penny.

Sir James: A penny? Dreadful! (Exits sharply.)
Port Wench: ....sir?

Act 2, Scene 5. The house of Lord Felix. Enter Sir James.

Sir James: Lord Felix? Lady Della?
(Sir James finds Lady Della, dead.)
Sir James: Nay, Della! Mine eyes grow misty.
Voice from off: Ich habe es dir gesagt!
Sir James: But where is Lord Felix? Ah, he is here... and here.. and there...
(Later.)
Yeoman Tubbs: Lord Felix hath been assailed by a handsaw, and must be treated by the apothecaries. Come, Yeoman Crockett, we shalt make enquiries. The use of a handsaw makes me suspect a certain Norseman.
Phony Quarrel: 'Twas no handsaw, for sure I am that Lord Felix wast assailed by a shark.
Sir James: Then come with me, Replacement Quarrel, we do have some enquiries to make ourselves.

Act 3, Scene 1. Across the river and into the trees, into the house of a great bard (though not the greatest).

Sir Miles: A simple enquiry, Naught Naught Seven: what ist thine intent?
Sir James: The killers I must find, for Lord Felix ist mine friend.
Sir Miles: Spare me such sentiment, in another country shouldst thee be.
Sir James: Nay, sire, the breaking point I have not reached.
Sir Miles: ‘Tis a farewell to arms for thee. The end of something this most surely ist.
Sir James: Nay, ‘tis the night before battle.
(Exit Sir James with his sword.)
Sir Miles: There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.

Act 3, Scene 2. A drinking place. A man with an elaborate timepiece doth watch as his wife berates a steward. Enter Sir James.

Sir James: Countess Bouvier, our earlier meeting was brief but sure I am that thou will recollect I am the friend of Lord Felix.
Countess Bouvier: And where ist the good Lord?
Sir James: Alack, he ist gravely wounded and his bride ist dead. Thine help I seek to avenge them.
Countess Bouvier: And ist thou armed, Sir James?
(Sir James displays his weapon.)
Countess Bouvier: Surpassing small that doth be.
Sir James: Look at this sword. Is this a small sword? I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee it!
Countess Bouvier: Behold mine.
(Countess Bouvier displays an impressive sheath.)
Serving Wench: And what wouldst thee care to drink?
Sir James: Serve me mead, let it be shaken but stir it not.
Countess Bouvier: Alack, spotted we have been by Dario del Toro, who ist in the service of Opium Lord Sanchez, and his confederate.
Sir James: Thou knowest him?
Countess Bouvier: He hath a lot of well-wishers: many would like to see him thrown down one.
Dario: Countess Bouvier! I do think thou hast done service to some friends of mine in the past.
Sir James: With me the lady ist.
Dario: Thou were not asked, stranger.
Sir James: Art thou sure thou should be here? Somewhere a village must be being deprived of an idiot.
(They do battle. Sir James and Countess Bouvier make their escape.)
Sir James: Countess Bouvier! Yon scoundrel Dario hast hit thee with a crossbow bolt!
Countess Bouvier: 'Tis no problem, for I am wearing a breastplate under mine clothing.
Sir James: Halt we must, for our horses are out of hay and must stop to graze.
Countess Bouvier: "Out of hay?" I haven't heard that one since I was a virgin ...
(Sir James kisses the Countess.)
Countess Bouvier: Thou shouldst wait until thee is asked.
Sir James: So, thee shouldst ask me... Marry, what art thou wearing? A chastity belt???!!!
Countess Bouvier: Lord Felix did warn me about thee.
Sir James:

Remind me to mention it to him sometime....

Act 3, Scene 4. A gambling place. A band play "Good Morning Isthmus Town".

Sir James: 'Tis here that I shalt find Sanchez. Thee must be mine clerking wench, Countess.
Countess Bouvier: I prithee, wherefore not the other way round?
Sir James: South of the border we are, 'tis a man's world. Now, to the gaming tables.
(Sir James doth make sport at the playing of cards, effortlessly defeating a green-shod man who exits, weeping, his eyes moist and misty. Signora Lupe doth enter.)
Sir James: Countess Bouvier, thirsty am I. Pray get me a drink.
Countess Bouvier: And what wouldst thou have? Wine perhaps?
Sir James: Nay, I never drink... wine.
Countess Bouvier: Mayhap some blood?
Sir James: Blood? Oh, the hair.... Nay, fetch me a mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken.
Countess Bouvier: (Exiting.) 'Tis about the swords, methinketh, I should never have spoken of his puny sword.
Signora Lupe: Thou shouldst leave here with no delay, Sir James, for thou art in danger.
Sir James: Nay, I wouldst have thee lead me to Lord Sanchez.

Act 3, Scene 5. A villain's other lair.

Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Sanchez: And what doth bring ye here, Sir James?
Sir James: Alack, I do seek employment in mine profession.
Sanchez: Here 'tis most difficult to find employment. Thee must have a skill that others here do not have.
Sir James: Hmm, a difficult task this should not be. I do offer aid to those who problems do have.
Sanchez: Thee do solve puzzles? Like an abacus?
Sir James: Nay, I eliminate problems.
Sanchez: Ah, thou do help householders with ants and mice perhaps?
Sir James: Nay, nay, I do undertake contracts.
Sanchez: What, like a solicitor?
Sir James: Nay, mine lord, nay! I do... er, wet work...?
Sanchez: Now I see, thou ist a plumber!
Sir James: Look, I didst kill people the Queen wanted killed!
Sanchez: Ah, a blinger with a slick trigger finger for Her Majesty!
Sir James: Oh, I prithee, do not remind me of that travesty of a song. I do offer thee mine services, for I hear tell that thou dost reward loyalty most handsomely.
Sanchez: 'Tis true- I hath a pension plan and full dental cover, a fortnights holiday, "Bring thine kid to work" and of course dress down Fridays.

Act 4, Scene 1. A boarding house.

Steward: Sir James, thine uncle hast arrived and awaits in thine chambers.
Sir James: Uncle? Was he solo?
Steward: This I did not ask.
Sir James: I thank'ee.
Countess Bouvier: Thine uncle? Thou didst not mention this, Sir James.
(They open the chamber door to find the Old Wizard.)
Sir James: Old Wizard! Thou art here?
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught... Oh hello, fair maiden, what ist thine name?
Countess Bouvier: I am the Countess Bouvier.
Old Wizard: Most charmed I am, and pleased to-
Sir James: Er, Old Wizard, hello?
Old Wizard: Oh yes, Naught Naught Sev... So, what a fine piece of gere thou art! Dost thee come here often?
Countess Bouvier: Oh, nay, here I have never been before.
Old Wizard: Then thou must permit me to show you around. Mayhap we could have a drink and-
Sir James: Old Wizard!
Old Wizard: Oh. Yes, here Naught Naught Seven, take this enchanted... blah blah, thou hast heard all this before... So, Countess Bouvier, would you like to see my wand? Look at this wand. Is this a small wand? I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee it!
Sir James: (Aside.) A word in thine ear, Old Wizard- waste not thine time, for a chastity belt she doth wear.
Old Wizard: Naught Naught Seven, thou doth disappoint me: I AM a wizard, after all... and this key can open 99% of the world's locks!

Act 4, Scene 2. The palace of Opiumlord Sanchez. Sir James awakes.

Sanchez: Greetings, Sir James. Thou hast foiled a plot by varlets to take mine life, and in thee I shalt now place mine trust.
Sir James: Er, aye, that is what I did, most surely! Permit me to light this candle, for here it is a little on the dark side.
Sanchez: Thou hath not yet realised thine importance. I have foreseen this. Join me, and together we shall rule as... er... two friends.
Sir James: Nay! Impossible this ist!
Sanchez: It is thine destiny!
Sir James: Then aid thee I shalt. I have heard tell that a ship shall be docking tonight, and the knave who commands it hath plans to betray thee.
Sanchez: Then preparation I must make. I thank'ee for thine help.
(Exit Sanchez. Enter Signora Lupe.)
Signora Lupe: Sir James, thou art in great danger here, thou must depart.
Sir James: Then thine help I must have. To mine boarding house thou must go, to take a message to the Countess Bouvier.

Act 4, Scene 3. A boarding house. Enter Signora Lupe.

Signora Lupe: Greetings, Countess... oh, forgive me, do I interrupt?
Countess Bouvier: (Flustered.) Oh, nay, everything is fine here.
Old Wizard: I was just... er, just showing the Countess my wand. What can we do for thee, young maiden?
Signora Lupe: A message I do bear from Sir James. Thou must meet him tonight, when the clock doth strike twelve, at the docks. I prithee, do be there, I love Sir James so much! (Exits.)
Countess Bouvier: "I love Sir James so much". Ha!
Old Wizard: Thou must have faith my dear. Now, 'tis several hours till twelve. I prithee, thine attention I crave- wouldst thou like to see mine wand expand?

Act 4, Scene 4. A galleon.

Sir James: I thank’ee most kindly, Countess, for thine help in getting me aboard this vessel. Now, I bid thee depart for danger doth loom.
Countess Bouvier: Here I will stay with thee, Sir James, for mine help thou may need.
Sir James: As thou willst.
Countess Bouvier: It seems thou hast a preoccupation with vengeance.
Sir James: Yes, well, we'll see about that. Now, pray hide with me, Opiumlord Sanchez doth approach!
(Enter Opiumlord Sanchez, Captain Krest, Dario, and others.)
Captain Krest: ...so thou likest mine vessel, sire? Look at this vessel! Is it a small vessel? I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee it!
Sanchez: Thine ship ist most admirable, Captain, ‘tis thine purposing of it I do question.
Captain Krest: Why, I do merely sail to seek rare fish for tax purposes unless charged otherwise by thee.
Sanchez: And it is this I wish to discuss. Thine last voyage was purposed to trade opium for gold, and thou hast returned with neither.
Captain Krest: ‘Twas most strange, my lord, for a stranger did slay some of my men and make off with the gold.
Sanchez: In a boat did he flee?
Captain Krest: ...ah... nay... he didst ski on the water then fly...
Sanchez: Fly? As a little bird? Dario, search this vessel!
Dario: My lord, we didst find this large bag of gold in a barrel full of spoiled fish from Copenhagen.
Captain Krest: ‘Tis not mine gold, mine liege!
Sanchez: Nay, Captain, ‘tis mine! Dario...
(Dario stuffs Captain Krest headfirst into ye barrel.)
Sanchez: Methinks something is rotten in the state of Denmark....
(Sir James watches as Captain Krest ist slain, then silently departs with ye Countess Bouvier.)

Act 5, Scene 1. A horse draws a cart. Sir James and Opiumlord Sanchez sit beside the driver.

Sir James: So, mine liege, to where art we heading?
Sanchez: I thought it time that thou should see the source of mine wealth. We art headed for mine private opium factory, hidden in the hills. See the great barrels which lie behind us, Sir James? We carry them up empty, then they are carried down again full of opium, but hidden under tequila.
Sir James: Most grateful I am to thee, Opiumlord Sanchez.
Sanchez: Thine loyalty shalt be rewarded. Driver, take care thou dost not hit yonder man... (Thump.) Oh, too late.
Sir James: Canst thou see what hast become of him?
Sanchez: Merely his feet sticking out from the ditch. Strange, they are clad in a most vile shade of green.
Sir James: Then, no matter.

Act 5, Scene 2. The easily inflammable opium factory.

Sanchez: Here, as thou canst see, mine servants do extract the opium from the poppy flowers then it ist hidden in the barrels such as we have brought up with us. Then, a few gallons of tequila are placed on top to distract anyone who doth look into ye barrel.
Sir James: Thine plans are most ingenious, mine liege.
Sanchez: Many ideas have I obtained from this scroll, “Ye Art Of Ye Deal”, by Sir Donald of Trumps. He doth have lots of ideas for shithole countries...
Sir James: Aye, of this I have heard tell. Sometimes it involves a wall, sometimes not.
(Enter Dario.)
Dario: Greetings, mine liege.
Sanchez: Mine friend Dario, pray meet our new recruit, Sir Ja-
Dario: He ist no friend, Opiumlord Sanchez! He was with the Countess Bouvier!
(They make battle. Sir James doth overcome Dario. For no apparent reason the factory doth go on fire. Opiumlord Sanchez escapes on a cart laden with barrels. Sir James gives chase on a similar cart.)

Act 5, Scene 3. A hill.

(Sir James doth drop from above onto a moving cart and falls beneath the hooves of ye hintermost horse. He rights himself, just as Opiumlord Sanchez and his varlets let forth a slew of arrows. Dodging ye arrows, Sir James pulls himself onto ye carriage mount, dislodging ye coachman.)
Sir James: Backseat driver! Oh wait, that's two adventures hence.
(Opiumlord Sanchez races ahead as Sir James tries gallantly to maneouvre his cart forwards. However, the driver of ye intervening cart, Lt Bamba of Valens, refuses to allow Sir James to pass. Their horses race alongside each other. Lt Bamba, intoxicated by a heady blend of tequila and opium, veers into ye second cart.)
Lt Bamba: The drugs are quick!
Sir James: Just keep my mind on your driving! Oh fie, that 'twas some adventures 'ere this.
(Lt Bamba crashes, as Opiumlord Sanchez and his remaining varlets retrieve cannons, ready to face Sir James, who approaches at speed. Taking aim, they let loose. Sir James, with no time to lose, manoeuvres his cart onto two wheels).
Sir James: Lean over! Hmm, this too seems familiar...
(Ye cannonball ist propelled beneath one side of his cart and into Lt Bamba's, which erupts into a fusillade of wood and splinters. Sir James's cart gallops ever forward down a winding path, until he unharnesses ye horses, causing the cart to crash into Opiumlord Sanchez's wagon train. Sir James takes chase, and leaps onto Opiumlord Sanchez's cart. They grapple, and Opiumlord Sanchez accidentally cuts the remaining harness.)
Sir James: Time to get out... hold on...
(The cart careens over a precipice. Sir James and Opiumlord Sanchez are flung off, both soaked in tequila and opium. Sir James's hose ist rent in a manner not seen until The Royal Gambling Tavern, some years hence. He gazes at his equally abraded foe, realising that he is now, indeed, Dirty Sanchez. ;% )
Sanchez: I prithee, Sir James! Anything thou wish'd for could'st have been thine!
Sir James: Don't you want to know why?
(He withdraws the flints from his doublet and strikes them together.)
Sanchez: Why? Willst thou tell me?
(Sir James strikes the flints again.)
Sir James: Er, yes, thou wants to know why!
Sanchez: Aye, Sir James, why?
(Sir James frantically strikes the flints together again.)
Sir James: (Stalling furiously.) Then I willst tell thee!
Sanchez: I wouldst know before I slay thee.
Sir James: One moment, I prithee...
(Finally a spark erupts. Opiumlord Sanchez is engulfed in the mix of tequila and opium. Sir James escapes even though a fiery hand reaches out for him.)

Act 5, Scene 4. A boarding house. Enter Sir James, Countess Bouvier, Lord Felix, and ye Old Wizard.

Sir James: ‘Tis good to see you, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: ‘Tis great to be with you again, Sir James! Thou hast done well. Mayhap we could go fishing soon?
Sir James: Aye, some sea fishing wouldst be most welcome.
Lord Felix: Nay, I hath arranged a camping trip in the mountains for us.
Sir James: Thou hast just lost thine leg, Lord Felix- thou dost not want a brokeback too. But thou dost seem rather jolly, dost thou not miss the Lady Della?
Lord Felix: Ah, a dear lass she wast but many more fish are in the sea... and parts of me in one fish. I willst see thee later, Sir James- partying ist such sweet sorrow.
Old Wizard: Naught Naught Seven, Sir Miles hath decreed that thou art to attend his chambers most soon. (Enter Signora Lupe.) Oh, hello again, fair maiden...
Signora Lupe: Sir James, I have come to thank’ee for freeing me from Opiumlord Sanchez.
Sir James: ‘Twas my pleasure, Signora-
Old Wizard: Dost thou come here often? Wouldst thou like perchance to see mine wand? Look at this wand! Is this a small wand? I guarantee...
Sir James: (Aside.) Countess Bouvier, let us depart to yonder verandah.
Countess Bouvier: Wherefore, Sir James?
(Sir James kisses the Countess.)
Countess Bouvier: Thou shouldst wait until thee ist asked.
Sir James: So, thee shouldst ask me...
(A whale swims past and winks. Look at this whale. Is this a small whale? I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee it!)

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Barbel, Charmed & Dangerous, Number 24, Thunderpussy

Barbel · February 2017

YE GILDED EYE

Act 1, Scene 1. A fortress which doth sit high atop a mountain... which doth lie below a lake... which doth lie below a mountain, east of the Urals. In a privy, a varlet sits on the throne. Enter Sir James, upside-down.)

Sir James: Cry prithee, in thy privy, good sir, mayhap I forgot to knock.
(Sir James knocks ye varlet out with one punch, then wrinkles his nose.)
Sir James: Phew, what hast thou been eating?
(Still rubbing his eyes, Sir James ist soon confronted by another... stranger?)
Stranger: Hath thee a band of yeomen with thee?
Sir James: Alas, alone am I.
Sir Alexander: In truth, Sir James, each man is but an island. Precede me, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Nay, thou must precede me, Naught Naught Six.
Sir Alexander: Nay, age before beauty...
Sir James: Pearls before swine...
Sir Alexander: Stocking before garter...
Sir James: Mutton before lamb.... Look, let us just go!
(They do set about their "Gunpowder plot" but are set upon by the Baron Ouromov and his men.)

Baron Ouromov: Good sirs, show thineselves! Lest ye forget, 'tis madness to attempt escape.
Sir Alexander: Doest thy will, Sir James! To Hades thou must send them! For Albion, Dame Miles and St George!
(Baron Ouromov slays Sir Alexander. Sir James doth set his charges alight then falls miraculously into a winged chariot and escapes.)

(Intermission. Undressed maidens dance with statues and a hammer. A woman from across the sea sings.)

Act 2, Scene 1. A hill. Sir James and a young maiden art in his carriage.

Maiden: Sent by Dame Miles have I been to assess thee, Sir James. Thou do ride thine carriage most exceeding fast, and it be’eth not a DeLorean !
Sir James: Fair maiden, ‘tis only eight-and-eighty miles per hour.
Maiden: No wish have I to McFly- ist this truly necessary?
Sir James: More often than thou wouldst think, fair maiden.
(A carriage driven by a tall dark maiden doth overtake them. A chase doth ensue, both carriages being driven frantically, passing a line of pilgrims and causing them to fall, limbs flying.)
Sir James: They've gone to pieces!
(He ist hit by a foot in a green trainer. He keep'eth the foot and throws ye shoe away.)
Sir James: Heel not be needing this toe-morrow...
Maiden: Stop this carriage and the puns now!
(Sir James doth comply with the lady's request.)
Sir James: Look ye upon my lack of resistance to thine request, fair maiden. No problem hath I with feminine authority, indeed I would look forward to someone licking me into shape, taking me in hand, offering lip service...
Maiden: Verily, Sir James! Thou art simply try to show off the size of thine....
Sir James: ...horsepower?
Maiden: Equipment!
Sir James: Pardon fair maiden, it's these tights, I usually wear a thicker denier! (Sir James reveals a secret compartment under his seat, containing bottles and glasses.) Please drink with me this fine mead, before giving me thine decision.
Maiden: And ist it really necessary to drink whilst driving, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: More often than thou wouldst think.
(The maiden gives Sir James a thorough evaluation.)

Act 2, Scene 2. A gaming house.

Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Countess Onatopp: And thee may know me as the Countess Onatopp.
Sir James: Onatopp??!!
Countess Onatopp: ‘Tis Russian for “Reverse Cowgirl”. Let us make sport.
(Sport ist made with the playing of cards. Sir James doth win, of course.)
Countess Onatopp: Verily, a cool hand, Bond.
Sir James: I see three passions do we share.
Countess Onatopp: Truly dost thee enjoy pigeon racing, real ale and dominoes also, Sir James?
Sir James: My lady, one rises to meet such challenge, like a serpent unto the breast of Eve. Yet may it please thee to answer most fully: is thine accent St Georgian?
Countess Onatopp: Dost thou recognise it?
Sir James: Verily, in my salad days I did but drop in, yet cannon out.
Countess Onatopp: 'Tis a land of opportunity. I travel with the ambassador on behalf of the Tsar, who ist near and far sighted, likes both men and women, and moody.
Sir James: So bifocal, bisexual and bipolar?
Countess Onatopp: 'Tis so. Ye ambassador hath held many balls here.
Sir James: Aye, I hath read the writing on the privy walls. Yet, thine ambassador has the wrong licence on his hearse.
Countess Onatopp: His hearse?
Sir James: My kingdom for his hearse.
[(Enter Admiral Farrell.)
Admiral: 'Tis time we were leaving, Countess Onatopp.
Sir James: Mayhap we have met before, Admiral...?
Admiral: Nay, I think it not.
Sir james: Ye Tears Of Allah doth not ring a bell?
Admiral: Ah, I do have this extraordinary sensation of deja vu...
Countess Onatopp: Farewell Sir James, methinks thou'st a knave in chariot licensing.
Sir James: The pleasure on this twelfth night was all mine. Farewell and good luck with thine Ambassador's balls.

Act 2, Scene 3. A ship.

Admiral: Dear Countess, allow me to show thee round mine vessel, the HMS BoatyMcBoatface.
Countess Onatopp: I can think of nothing better.
Admiral: Here ist ye stowage section. Look ye at the Irish immigrants, so eager to travel across the sea.
(Many are dancing, as a band plays “Good Morning New York Town”. The Admiral and the Countess join in.)
1st Immigrant: ‘Tis not so bad, verily I am glad we booked with Ryansea.
2nd Immigrant: Aye, ‘twill not be long before we land- now, how near to New York ist this place called Cork?
Admiral: Now, Countess, come ye to ye bow of ye ship.
(The Admiral leads the Countess to ye bow of ye ship. She doth hold his arms as they do stand against the wind.)
Admiral: I am the Admiral of the world!
Countess Onatopp: ‘Tis true! Let us go below, Admiral.
Admiral: Most certainly. I wouldst show thee mine... sketchings.
Countess Onatopp: And mayhap, I could sketch thee as with those other Admirals before?

(Later, in the boudoir.)
Admiral: Xenia, thou art squeezing me too hard!
Countess Onatopp: Mayhap thou would prefer from the rear, Admiral?
Admiral: ...Er, nay, but I cannot breathe!
Countess Onatopp: But I have brought thy favourites- the warm custard, the cabin boy uniform and the rolled up copy of the Norfolk Pig Fanciers Gazette! Thou desirest that I stop, then?
Admiral: I wouldn’t go that far...
(She squeezes ye Admiral even harder. He doth reach for his sword.)
Admiral: Oh, what the hell!
(Throws his sword away and dies happy.)

(Later, at a port, enter Countess Onatopp in ye Admiral’s uniform.)
Countess Onatopp: I hath come to view thy new winged chariot.
1st Sentry: As thou wish, Admiral. First I must check your description on our chart.
Countess Onatopp: Be quick about it!
1st Sentry: Slender, fine womanly curves, fine bosom, pouting full lips, smooth skin, sparkling brown eyes, long luscious dark hair, and fantastic legs and arse! ... Oh, also a short ginger beard... Aye, all ist in order !
(Exit Countess Onatopp.)
2nd Sentry: Either I hath been at sea too long, or ye Admirals become more attractive. He doth look like a pin up from the navy's Admiral Of Ye Month calendar, whose interests are fashion, pipe smoking and some rough shag....
(Stopped by 1st Sentry in mid speech.)
1st Sentry: ‘Tis true, I hath ne’er seen... Cry hold, come back with that chariot! Come back!
(The Countess Onatopp departs with the chariot.)
2nd Sentry: We'll ne'er be able to explain this...

Act 2, Scene 4. A monastery on an island, very far north.

Sister Anna: Come, Natalya, give unto me yonder packet of special worm food.
Natalya: Surely. Hmm, ye worms seem hungry today. I hope we're not adding to Global Worming!
Sister Anna: ‘Tis not surprising, Brother Boris hath forgotten to feed them again. Ah, nay, here he cometh now.
(Enter Brother Boris.)
Brother Boris: Hail to thee, beloved sisters, ye both art looking more comely every day.
Sister Anna: Unlike thineself, Brother Boris, e’en more seedy dost thou grow.
Brother Boris: ‘Tis not true- I am irresistible! Natalya, look ye on mine latest parchment.
Natalya: Yet another? Very well... Brother Boris, this ist obscene! Thou will be punished by our superiors!
Brother Boris: Ha, ne’er will they find out- they art naught but slugheads. Also the enormity of the bosoms and girth of... other items are artistically valid. I shall hang it above thy work station, although I may need help to get it up.
Natalya: Verily we have heard that too!
Brother Boris: Hark, I do hear sounds from outside as if a winged chariot hath arrived- I will go look. (Exits)
Sister Anna: Brother Boris’s departure ist timely- well, any departure of his ist timely, of course. Shall I make us some tea, Natalya?
Natalya: Nay, ‘tis my turn- to ye pantry I shalt go.
Sister Anna: Use that very, very old tea. I do hear that green tea is good for you, and it looks pretty green.
(Exit Natalya, enter Baron Ouromov accompanied by Countess Onatopp.)
Baron Ouromov: Thou shalt give unto me Ye Gilded Eye forthwith.
Sister Anna: Nay, let this not be so.
Baron Ouromov: Then I shalt take it anyway. Onatopp?
(Onatopp doth slay Sister Anna. Ouromov taketh a box from the table, and both exit. Enter Natalya, carrying tea.)
Natalya: Anna? Anna, ist thee wanting a biscuit ?
Sister Anna: (Aside.) Ahhhhhh ! (Dies.)
Natalya: Aye, you be'eth correct, my bodice doth get too cosy....... Oh!

Act 2, Scene 5. The throne room of Dame Miles.

Sir James: Greetings, Tanner, what news have thee?
William Of Tanner (Squire of the Lego Fortress): Indeed it pains me greatly good Sir James, that the Sovereign Witch of Calculation decreed your wisdom and cunning were forestalled.
(Enter Dame Miles.)

Dame Miles: Sayest thee?
William Of Tanner: Ah, nay, nay...
Dame Miles: In council of toxic judgement, I will seek an audience and narration of my ward and brethren should it please me master squire.
(Enter Maid Moneypenny.)
Sir James: Ne’er in thine leisure have I seen, thee, Moneypenny, most beguiling thou art.

Moneypenny: To linger on great calamity I shall not, Sir James, in faith with a gentleman did I have an assignation.
Sir James: Thou do crush me, Moneypenny. Without thee I know not what I should do.
Moneypenny: Thou hast ne'er had me, Sir James... as far as I dost recall.
Dame Miles: Wouldst thee care for a drink, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: I thank’ee, mine liege. Sir Miles used to keep his spirits and a drop of laudanum in the-
Dame Miles: These bottles did I find, though it seems Sir Miles drank it all last time when you went rogue and slayed your way through the Land of Isthmus. ‘Tis gin I prefer.
Sir James: Then gin it shall be.
Dame Miles: Now, Naught Naught Seven, with thee I must talk seriously.
Sir James: Mine liege, she told me she was eighteen! I doth swear it!
Dame Miles: Nay, not that.
Sir James: Ah... good... ;%
Dame Miles: Naught but a womaniser art thou, Naught Naught Seven- all thine work ist cold slaying, all thine gold doth thee spend at gambling and all thine nights be spent in pursuit of willing wenches.
Sir James: Why, thank’ee, mine liege, ‘tis very kind of thee to say so.
Dame Miles: 'Twas not a compliment! Thou lovest me not, Naught Naught Seven, my ways are not thine. A mere tallyman thou thinkest I am, a counter of beans.
Sir James: I have thought this, my liege.
Dame Miles: Thine charms upon me are wasted. Thou be naught but an antiquated dragon, who think'est I lack the balls for mine job as does this statuette for Best Supporting Actress, yet to thy death I shall send thee with no hesitation.
Sir James: This statuette I doth admire greatly.
Dame Miles: No doubt, though ‘tis as close as THEE will get, Irish boy.

Act 2, Scene 6. Ye Old Wizard’s Lair.

Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. This girdle for thine hose thou shalt now take.
Sir James: But I am still firm buttocked, no need have'eth I...
Old Wizard: We did learn from an older Scottish knight, who did miss one quest and thence return with his girth much increased!
Sir James: And this sustenance?
Old Wizard: Nay, ‘tis mine lunch! Behold thine new carriage, fashioned in Bavaria. Sleek and fast, with a set of hidden crossbows behind the candle lamps.
Sir James : Um...? Good for unwinding after a joust !
Old Wizard: Thou must pay heed to the laws of the land, Naught Naught Seven, though thou doth carry leave to slay.

Act 3, Scene 1. A foreign waystation. A band start to play “Good Morning St. Petersburg Town”, but realise there are too many syllables so play “Good Morning Moscow Town” instead, hoping no-one will notice.

Sir James: ‘Tis spring in London, yet here ‘tis winter.
Yeoman Wade: Thou ist ye weatherman? To mine carriage without hindrance thou must come, stiff-ass Brit.
Sir James: Nay, thou must display to me thine rose.
Yeoman Wade: Mine rose? Nay!
Sir James: Display it unto me forthwith! ....Hm, that be'eth some nice ink ! But why doth it cover thine entire buttocks ?
Yeoman Wade: I be'eth a big Cheryl Fernandez-Versini fan...Thou hast seen enough? Or wouldst thee like to examine my manscaping? I've had my body hair sculpted into the shape of the ears of an elephant, so the trunk ist my...
Sir James: (Apace) I seek an audience with Tsar Valentin Zukovsky, thou must give me no limp excuses.
Yeoman Wade: Tsar Valentin loves an audience, for his Jester act! He says he ist a compulsive liar, but I do not believe him.
Sir James: Ne'ertheless I crave an audience with him as soon as possible.
Yeoman Wade: Thou shalt not appeal to his heart.
Sir James: Most surely, albeit his purse I might make entreat to increase.
Yeoman Wade: ‘Tis more likely. Now, I bid thee enter mine carriage.
Sir James: 'Tis most small, methinks.
Yeoman Wade: And ugly too, but she'll get thee there.
Sir James: Careful, Yeoman Wade, watch out for that man with green trainers! (Thump.) Too late.
Yeoman Wade: Did I miss him?
Sir James: Very nearly.

Act 3, Scene 2. The chambers of Tsar Mischkin.

Baron Ouromov: I bid thee greetings, mine liege.
Tsar Mischkin: What ist this I hear, Baron Ouromov? Ye Gilded Eye hast been stolen!
Baron Ouromov: Alack, ‘tis true, sire. Varlets hath broken into ye monastery and purloined all the Gilded Eye worms.
Year Mischkin: I hath been informed of thy plans. Originally called "Goldenshower", I believe ?
Baron Ouromov: Aye mine liege, but that name just left a bad taste in my mouth.
Tsar Mischkin: A calamity! Yon worms hath been specially bred to eat only parchment- our plan to release them onto the British Isles and set English culture back into ye Stone Age depends upon them! You doth speak in dead earnest?
Baron Ouromov: Aye, in fact we used to keep the worms in Dead Ernest, and breeding and testing them in a monastery on an island didst keep them safely afar from our culture.
Tsar Mischkin: What didst thou expect the effects would be after the bookworms are released in Britain?
Baron Ouromov: All bank notes, written laws, church books, the word of God, legends- all will disappear. Certain art we that all of England will collapse in a year or two without scholars, judges and priests telling them what to do.
Tsar Mischkin: Splendid. There are of course more kingdoms than England on the British Isles. I doth assume the same will happen to them?
Baron Ouromov: Not according to our calculations, sire. Wales and Ireland will hardly notice the disappearance of marriage certificates, learned books or laws. They never heeded them anyway. Marriages will become much easier without a written record of who is kin. Society will go on as always. One group always drunk, the other worrying sheep.
Tsar Mischkin: Interesting. And Scotland?
Baron Ouromov: Scotland will actually thrive without the written word. We believe the Scotsmen will go back to their natural state, free from the shackles of civilization. Painting their faces blue and planning a referendum... again.
Tsar Mischkin: Thou art in charge of security, Baron Ouromov; what hast thou to say?
Baron Ouromov: Ne’er shalt I rest until these varlets have been found!

Act 3, Scene 3. A tavern.

Tsar Valentin: Thine flintlock I recognise, Sir James, two who have carried such a weapon have been slain by me.
(A yeoman of Tsar Valentin doth disarm Sir James.)
Sir James: ‘Tis two greater than thine winged chariots, Tsar Valentin. A boon I would ask of thee.
Tsar Valentin: Thou jesteth, Naught Naught Seven, for most surely thou didst endeavour to slay me in the past.
Sir James: Nay, I did merely injure thine knee, and leave the rest of you.... unharmed. Order thine cat to be silent and we shall speak.
Tsar Valentin: Speak with respect of mine pussy! Her lips give great pleasure... to any ear that doth hear her most tender, soft voice from yonder window breaking.
Sir James: Good enough to break windows, eh? Talented she be'eth, but such a strange hairstyle?
Tsar Valentin: She doth hail from Brazil- now speak to me of your proposal.
Sir James: I wish to meet with the Lord Janus, which you can arrange.

Act 4, Scene 2. A graveyard at nightfall....

Sir Alexander: Surprised to see me thou art, Naught Naught Seven.

Sir James: I had thought thee dead, Sir Alexander, for surely Sean Bean doth die in every film.
Sir Alexander: Nay, Sir James, I have returned and wouldst have thee join me. Liketh ye olde days- the training, the drinking , the experimenting with mind altering substances, the Upping of sheep, that trip to Thailand on our gap year. That night of dancing and the pub quizzes, amateur dramatics and curry nights....
Sir James: Mine loyalty ist ever to mine mission, Albion and Dame Miles.
Sir Alexander: Still Her Majesty's loyal lap dog, I see.
Sir James: Better a lap dog to a slip of a girl than a.... Knob!
Sir Alexander: At thine wake shalt Moneypenny weep, though none other
Sir James: That's where you're wrong- Dame Miles will blub her eyes out, as she says I'm her special boy! ... The best, number one, her main squeeze in espionage.
Sir Alexander: Whatever, closing time Sir James !
(Suddenly, from the shadows a figure behind Sir James doth render him unconscious.)

Natalya: Wake up, good sir! Wake up wake up wake up!!!
Sir James: (Aside, sleeping.) Yes, just there Felix, feel .....
(Sir James awakes to find himself bound back to back to a beauteous wench, inside a winged chariot.)
Sir James: ...er, ahem... ;%
Natalya: Thou hast got to get us free from here! For we doth sit upon a heap of gunpowder, and ye fuse ist lit!
Sir James: Well blow me! I always knew Sir Alexander had’eth a short fuse, would this qualify as a "blast from the past", I wonder?
Natalya: Be'eth these bad jokes needed? We need to escape!
Sir James: No need to worry, all part of Her Majesty's Secret Service training. 'Tis hard to be frightened whilst joking. Now good wench, could you reach round to grab hold of my cod piece? It doth contain a great organ... of escape.
Natalya: Certainly not, why we hath not been formally introduced or had the six month walking out chaperoned by three members of our church before...
Sir James: I need thee to undo my special buttons down there.
Natalya: Oh, I hath heard that one before!
Sir James: Quickly, I don't have much time left....
Natalya: That too, I have heard before, then had to pretend it wasn't a disappointment... but very well, I will reach down now.
(Natalya uses the specially-sharpened buttons the Old Wizard hast attached to Bond's codpiece to break their Bonds.)
Natalya: Hurry, we must flee!
(The winged chariot explodes behind them. Pieces of shrapnel doth hit a man in green shoes, who runs off cursing in German.)
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. What ist thine name, beauteous wench?
Natalya: Natalya be mine name- I wast working in a monastery breeding Ye Gilded Eye worms till Baron Ouromov did steal them and kill mine friend, Anna.
Sir James: Then together we must work- but hold!
(They art taken prisoner by soldiers.)

Act 4, Scene 3. A gaol.

Tsar Mischkin: Sit, I prithee, Sir James, the manner of thine death I must consider though against capital punishment I am, it being unfair on the Muscovites. Death by a group of bowmen? Removing thine head from thy shoulders? Perhaps squashed in The Iron Lady?
Sir James: So it will be torture?
Tsar Mischkin: Aye, ‘tis traditional.
Sir James: The Comfy Chair?
Tsar Mischkin: Too Catholic.
Sir James: Whipping, mayhap?
Mischkin: Too gay, don't you think?
Sir James: Death By a Thousand Cuts is very heterosexual.
Tsar Mischkin: No doubt, but ‘tis slow and the sight of blood I cannot bear.
Sir James: Alack, unfortunate. Nails drawn over a blackboard ist bloodless and cruel?
Tsar Mischkin: No blackboard do we have in this gaol.
Sir James: These be'eth very old fashioned and indeed whimpy ideas- if I am to die, I'll die like an Englishman. Having my bezants bitten off by a rabid lion, fighting a dragon, trying to kiss Dame Miles while she's having a hot flush...
Tsar Mischkin: We could tie you to a cannon and drive it around the parade ground.
Sir James: Too lenient, in Britain only girls are tied to cannons or naughty children.
Tsar Mischkin: We could push you off a cliff!
Sir James: Been there done that!
Tsar Mischkin: Sometimes the old ways are the best, a few hours on the rack should loosen any tongue.
Sir James: Speaking of tongues, some are very talented.... like your Mama's!
Tsar Mischkin: Enough! Tell me what you know!
Sir James: No tittle-tattle hath thee, little to pass the time of day
Tsar Mischkin: I seek ye Gilded Eye, impart to me where it shall be found.
Countess Natalya: As youngbloods at play thou art, cease forthwith! ‘Twas thine man, Baron Ouromov, who didst take Ye Gilded Eye from the monastery.
(Enter Baron Ouromov, right on cue.)
Baron Ouromov: Mine liege, I must protest, thou art out of order! These prisoners art mine!
Tsar Mischkin: Nay, Baron, from what I doth hear ‘tis thee who art out of order!
(Baron Ouromov slays Tsar Mischkin with Sir James’s sword.)
Baron Ouromov: ‘Tis thee who will be blamed for this, Sir James, and thee shalt die!
(The Baron exits with Natalya.)

Act 4, Scene 4. Outside a gaol.

(Sir James swings out from his cell window with the aid of the girdle supplied by the Old Wizard in time to see Baron Ouromov force Natalya into a one horse open sleigh and drive off, jingling all the way. He leaps onto a massive sleigh labelled “Property Of Catherine T. Great” and follows. A voice calls from inside the sleigh.)
Russian Wench: Dimitri? Is that thee?
(Sir James tries to avoid a sleigh containing many bottles of beer clearly labelled “Bojar Beer - probably not the best beer in the world, but it's cheap!” but his eight horses do not turn in time and he doth crash through it, remarkably unscathed.)
Russian Wench: Dimitri, what is happening?
(A beauteous head doth appear through the front window of the sleigh.)
Sir James: Just a pleasant drive in St. Petersburg, fair maiden. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Russian Wench: Ohhh... won’t you join me, Sir James?
Sir James: Of nothing better can I think, but alas at the moment I am a trifle occupied.
Russian Wench: Ah, take care, watch out for yonder man playing with his needlessly elaborate timepiece.... (Thump) Oh, too late.
Sir James: Ist he all right?
Russian Wench: I know not, for all I can see are his feet sticking out from a pile of snow. Strange, his skis are green.
Sir James: Then, no matter.
(Sir James continues to follow Baron Ouromov’s sleigh. The road narrows and ist blocked by a statue of a rider wearing no doublet. Heading down yon narrow road, the mighty statue appears closer... Baron Ouromov’s smaller sleigh manages to skirt around one side of it, the massive sleigh has no chance, as Sir James and ye Russian Wench get closer…)
Sir James: Fair maiden?
Russian Wench: What is't?
Sir James: Come out of thine quarters to the fore and sitteth as far to thine right as thee can!
Russian Wench: Wherefore must I?
Sir James: Just do’t!!
(Ye Russian Wench comes forward and sits just as instructed, Sir James moves to the left.)
Sir James (To the horses.): Neigh part! Neigh part!
(The four horses on one side pull to ye left, the four on the other pull to ye right and begin to go around either side of ye statue, whose mighty sword-shaped-ram slices the stirrups between the horses and smashes perfectly through the middle of ye sleigh and just between Sir James and the Russian Wench)
Sir James: That gent at each moment didst enjoy dividing! Good fortune for us yon gent didn’t conquer thy fine sled!
(Ye Russian Wench eyes Sir James with lust, but just before the moment passes the horses pull themselves back together and the sleigh’s two parts smash against each other.)
Sir James: Grab hold of me, I prithee!
(Russian Wench and Sir James lock in a functional embrace, the only thing holding the sleigh together.)
Sir James: Grab thine vines!
(With the stirrups, Sir James manages to whip around and connect the sleigh back in one.)
Russian Wench (With a smile.): I desire thou has't insurance!
(Baron Ouromov sees they are still following and angrily sips from a small barrel contained in his garb. Sir James and ye Russian Wench turn around to see the statue, which falls on its own sword.)
Sir James: All that glisters, ist not gold. ‘Twill be putin ye news tomorrow.
(Sir James doth follow the smaller sleigh to a canal, where Baron Ouromov leads Natalya to a large, armoured barge. Ranks of serfs stand either side of ye canal.)
Sir James: ‘Tis best you depart now, fair maiden, for into danger I must go.
Russian Wench: But mine Charmed and Dangerous companion, art thou not a bit premature?
Sir James: Not a problem I've had before. Remember to duck and roll.
Russian Wench: The advice is not to, unless stationary!
Sir James: Take ye this quill and parchment then.
Russian Wench: Thou art a very handsome man- would you like to buy this likeness of an elephant for fifty thousand... Ahhh!!!
(Sir James shoves the Russian Wench out into the snow and heads off parallel to ye canal.)
Russian Wench: Buliatsch! ..... Oh God, I think I love him..... Write me!!
(The serfs grab ropes and begin to pull ye barge at great speed.)
1st Serf: A quick sketch of that crazy driving I must do for the bad sleighing section of the Morning Propaganda parchment. That poor visiting German fisherman in the green waders ist soaked !
2nd Serf: Typical, not a bloody traffic yeoman to be seen!
(On board the barge, Baron Ouromov shoves Natalya in front of Sir Alexander and Countess Onatopp.)
Sir Alexander: I bid thee greetings, Baron Ouromov, what hast thee brought to me?
Baron Ouromov: With Sir James Bond she was, and I had to slay Tsar Mischkin.
Sir Alexander: ‘Tis bad news- and where ist Sir James?
Baron Ouromov: Of that, I know naught.
Sir Alexander: Come to me, beauteous maiden, thou shalt learn to love me. (He kisses Natalya.) Hmm.. she doth taste like... smalahove? Behold, I hath 12 inches for thee!
Natalya: Good, you've been to Subway. I'm famished.
Countess Onatopp: Sir Alexander, look ye ahead! A huge sleigh hast been driven into the canal and ist blocking our path!
Sir Alexander: Sir James... only Sir James....
(Ye barge crashes into the sleigh which surprisingly Sir James's repairs have held together, but cause ye barge to become more tangled.)
1st Serf: Gah! Regular whippings, physical and verbal abuse, hardly any food, scarce scrubbings, were all in the work agreement. But sleighs in the canal and action scenes on the barge were not mentioned. I suggest a strike!
2nd Serf: Ne’er wast this part of mine job- I willst be complaining to the Shop Steward for the Union of Navigable Interior Canals. My grandfather was a UNIC, my father was a UNIC and I'm a UNIC!
1st Serf: Hast thou the balls to be a UNIC?
2nd Serf: Strike!
(Ye serfs somehow pull out ready-made placards of thick parchment hoisted on a group of reeds and tied immaculately with some sort of hemp rope. 1st Serf’s sign states "BARGE THEE, BARGE THINE, NON THY BUDGE!", 2nd Serf’s sign reads "CANAL IN THEE ROOTED")

(Sir Alexander awakes to find Sir James standing over him, sword drawn.)
Sir Alexander: Thou should be a good boy, Naught Naught Seven, and just die!
Sir James: Nay, precede me, Naught Naught Six.
(They do battle. Baron Ouromov ist slain while Sir Alexander and Countess Onatopp escape.)
Sir James: To follow them I must.
Natalya: Nay, to follow them WE must. Mine aid thou art sure to need.

Act 5, Scene 1. Outside a castle in Ireland.

Yeoman Wade: In yonder castle does Sir Alexander reside, with ye Countess Onatopp and Brother Boris at his side.
Sir James: Then ‘tis there that Natalya and I must travel. Yeoman Wade, look ye on this garden here- art those shamrocks?
Yeoman Wade: Nay, Sir James, they art perfectly real.
Sir James: We will need clothing and weapons.
Yeoman Wade: That we can supply, along with heavy rain covering for Ireland ist as wet as a Scottish summer. (Aside) Canst thou trust her, Sir James? Hast thee checked her out?
Sir James: (Aside) Most thoroughly, Yeoman Wade, from head to toe. We shalt enter using stealth. Yeoman Wade I prithee, knock on yon castle door and ask for directions. Try and be an overbearing and arrogant tourist, you know, in the manner of any American abroad, whilst we enter unobserved.
(Yeoman Wade approaches the door and knocks... The door opens...)
Yeoman Wade: Greetings good sir, I seek the road to Ockmygooley. Sorry to upset thine day.
Castle Guard: Not at all, I had to get up to answer the door anyway. I shall show ye...
(He moves outside and begins pointing, as Sir James and Natalya secretly enter the doorway.)
Castle Guard: Go straight ahead take a left at the nunnery of the Nolan Sisters, and a right at the camp of Sir Graham of Norton.... (He doth continue talking.... )
Sir James: Stay close Natalya, for we depend on the element of-
Countess Onatopp: SURPRISE!! (Suddenly all the candles are alight.) Trying to squeeze past?
Sir James: Sorry to disappoint, old girl, but I live for pressure.
Countess Onatopp: ‘Tis fitting that this kitchen will be thy end, as thou be’eth just an old ham!
(A fight ensues, with Sir James skewering Onatopp across the kitchen fire.)
Natalya: Horrible, what a horrible way to die.... And also she's spoilt that soup.
Sir James: Indeed, not the way I had imagined a roast with her... Now let us make haste, to discover the secrets within.
(They press on in to the castle.)

Act 5, Scene 2. A villain’s lair. Sir James and Natalya move to the gunpowder room in the castle, setting up some small lenses to catch the sun and set ye trail of gunpowder alight . Suddenly they art captured and taken to the throne room of Sir Alexander.

Sir Alexander: Ah! Sir James, so nice ye could join me at this my finest hour.
Sir James: What foul deed doth thee intend to inflict on mine beloved Albion?
Sirr Alexander: Aye, listen ye well to my story. At this moment the moat is being drained, to expose my huge organ of revenge...
Brother Boris: Oh!!!!! You never mentioned a huge....
Sirr Alexander: Quiet, Brother Boris!
Brother Boris: Thou canst not quiet me- I am irrepressible!
Sir Alexander: A huge catapult, to deposit mine trained book worms all across Albion! Soon all books, parchments, bills and invoices will be no more. With no proof of ownership civil war will soon follow. Allowing me to move in and grab as much land as I wish, who knows, mayhap enough to be King!
Sir James: But why? Why such hatred of our beloved land?
Tsar Alexander: Once on holiday in Magaluf, at a tavern a British bloke bumped in to me and did spill my pint! From that day I swore revenge.... Even though he apologised, and bought me another tankard, it was too late. I had sworn revenge! Brother Boris, continue with thy calculations, I wish the penetration of my worm to be deep! (Laughs.)
Brother Boris: Oh er! Thou art in good fooling tonight, sire.
Sirr Alexander: No pithy remark, Sir James?
Sir James: Thou art just a common criminal. Stealing land.
Sir Alexander: You bitch! I do’eth all this planning, and set up! ‘Twas not cheap I'll have thee know. The taxes and water rates on this castle alone.....
(Ye surprisingly inflammable castle ist rocked by the explosions of gunpowder. They do battle. Sir James pursues Sir Alexander to the top of a high tower.)
Sir Alexander: I was ever thine superior, Sir James. For Albion!
Sir James: Nay, for me!
(Sir Alexander ist slain. Meanwhile Natalya doth battle Brother Boris.)
Brother Boris: Thou canst not erase me- I am indelible!
Natalya: We shalt see! (Stabs him with his own quill in the eye.)
(Enter Sir James.)
Sir James: I thought he'd keep an eye out for you. (Raises eyebrow.) I must inform the Old Wizard, I was't correct in my assertion, that the quill was mightier than the sword!
Natalya: Sir James, we must away!
(They exit the castle to a secluded grassy knoll.)
Yeoman Wade: I see Sir Alexander ist vanquished.
Sir James: If memory doth serve, thou didst say thee could help?
Yeoman Wade: Fear not, for I have planned on this scroll a new garden for the castle, with lawns, a water feature and a new rose bush...... (Yeoman Wade doth walk away talking to himself.)
Sir James: (Aside.) There be’eth only one bush I be interested in... Now, Natalya, 'tis time for debriefing...
Natalya: Oh, Sir James!
(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Barbel, Thunderpussy, Number 24, heartbrokenmrdrax, Charmed & Dangerous, Thunderbird2

Barbel · February 2017

BREATH SHALL N'ER LEAVE THE COMING DAY

Act 1, Scene 1. A bazaar where one may obtain the slings and arrows of outrageous treachery. Sir James offers fire to a varlet's pipe.

Sir James: A unsuitable pursuance to long life!

(He subdues said varlet and does make off with a catapult letting havoc slip in his path.)

Intermission. Arrows fly & maidens dance not fully clothed. A wench from across ye sea sings.

Act 2, Scene 1. A chariot swiftly racing.

Dame Miles: What knowest thee of the York of Carver, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: He whose lies are surely his means. And in expanding them a gain in power holds.
Dame Miles: His bride did thou know in times past.
Sir James: ‘Twas a long time ago- I doubt’est if she shalt remember me.
Dame Miles: Remind her. Plow then her fertile fields, and make the seeds of knowledge grow, so you may learn to know.
Moneypenny: To your discretion then is left the extent of the turning of the earth.

Act 2, Scene 3. A party. A band play "Good Morning Hamburg Town".

Sir James: I am he who is called Bond. James Bond. I see to funds securing wealth.
York of Carver: Men of coin I surely have on me like fleas of the plague.
(Enter Whaylin.)
Whaylin: Your work I do love; I prithee an audience as under curtain of night in I did sneak.
York of Carver: Outstanding.
Lady Paris: Sir James, in truth doth under a pillow yet thy weapon still live?

Act 3, Scene 1. An Inn.

Lady Paris: Through his wizards thou art known to him.
Sir James: I can away you from his reach this day!
Lady Paris: Nay! His reach is great! ...My fields need vigorous tending nonetheless...

Act 5, Scene 2. The Inn again.

Dr. Kaufman: Terribly did she struggle, Sir James I say, as will you sooner than the coming day.
Stamper: (Yelling through ye window): Access to ye satchel in which is stored the key his horse will not easily grant!
Dr. Kaufman: Didst thee alert and query the local equestrian expert?
Stamper: Want to alert and query him do YOU? Bring him to calm the beast! And then slay mine henchman with green shoes!
(Sir James overcomes Dr. Kaufman with his own sword and escapes.)

Act 6, Scene 1. A beach.

Whaylin: Boring and tedious work is this, however in new adventure with spoilt adolescent cohorts from distant lands, a break from tradition arises!
Sir James: The correct spoilt adolescent cohort you have truly found!

Act 7, Scene 1. A ship at sea.

York of Carver: Sir James my man of anchor truly is!

(Whaylin kicks at him.)
York of Carver: Pugilism ist ye work of men, laugh do I heartily at this display then.
(Tall Germanic onlooker smirks.)

Act 8, Scene 4. The bowels of ye ship.

(Sir James stabs the varlet Stamper nine times.)
Stamper: NINE?!?!?! (Dies.)

Act 9, Scene 1. The yardarm.

York of Carver: I prithee, WHY Sir James??
Sir James: In times past and times to come, a public show needs please more than some.
(To his death Carver doth swim.)

Act 10, Scene 1.

Whaylin: Sir James, I must exclaim OH!

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Written by Chrisisall

Barbel · February 2017

ORBIS NON SUFFICIT

Act 1, Scene 1. A place of business.

Banker: Great treasure I have for thee to bring to Dame Miles, Sir James. As well as ye Swiss cheese and Swiss chocolate she did request.
Sir James: I seek not the treasure, rather the name of an assassin. Although, I willst take thine cheese and chocolates on pain of death from Dame Miles.
Banker: Of this assassin I cannot tell. I prithee, depart with the treasure.
Sir James: I prithee, depart with thine life.
Banker: The odds be'eth not on thine side, for here I have three armed men, also a maid with a cigar.
Sir James: That be'eth true, if thee plays ye odds.
(Sir James overcomes ye three varlets with ease. Ye maid runs off.)
Sir James: Count again, banker, thine fortunes be reversed.
Banker: Thee must protect me.
Sir James: Aye, I shalt.
Banker: Thee must place me in witness protection.
Sir James: Aye, this too shalt be done.
Banker: Thee must promise to visit me, for drinks and some of Dame Miles’ chocolates. Or perchance heat yon cheese for dipping like'eth at mine last party ?
Sir James: It doth sound a Fun Do.
(Sir James stiffens....... his sinew and doth speak with authority.)
Sir James: Enough- a name, now, varlet..... and no chocolates can I promise.
Banker: Verily, the assassin ist...
(A horse backfires drowning out ye Bankers voice .)
Sir James: Pardon?
Banker: The assassin ist.....
(An old lady's crate of tomatoes crashes in ye stairway, with much noise.)
Sir James: Again varlet, the name!
Banker: The assassin ist......
(A band begins to play “Good Morning Bilbao Town” outside...)
Sir James: Who?
Banker: THE ASSASSIN, IST..........
(The Banker ist slain by an unknown assassin. Before expiring he doth gesticulate with his arms at the knife in his back.)
Sir James: One word? Is it a book? ....... Is it by Shakespeare? Ah, something about a fox? It involves thumbs?
(The banker dies.)
Sir James: Ah! He hath expired- I must away.
(Sir James makes his escape with the treasure.)
Sir James: (Off.) Oh, wait...
(Sir James re-enters and grabs ye cheese with chocolates.)
Sir James: Mine life will not be worth living if I do not bring these for Dame Miles!

Act 1, Scene 2. The throne room of Dame Miles.

Moneypenny: Most welcome you are, Sir James. Ah, thou hast brought me chocolates from thine travels?
Sir James: Ah, nay, those are for Dame Miles. For thee, sweet Moneypenny, I do bring this cigar.
Moneypenny: And wherefore this doth go I surely know.
(And she doth toss it away, missing ye rubbish basket completely.)
Sir James: Ah, close but no cigar. Would'st thee have better aim, if directed at mine shoulder, perhaps?
Moneypenny: Thee always hast to have a shot. Thou art to attend Dame Miles with haste.

Dame Miles: Thine mission was a great success, Naught Naught Seven. I prithee, greet my friend King Robert.

King Robert: Thou hast done me great favour, Sir James, I wouldst have thee work for me to build an empire.
Sir James: Alas, King Robert, I doth am in servitude to Dame Miles.
Dame Miles: Verily, and in this servitude building is contrary to his purpose.
Sir James: Mayhap, but I do have a licence to drill... Although perhaps a part time position? If thee hath got a decent health plan...
(King Robert ist slain by a maid without a cigar. Sir James gives chase, injuring his shoulder, but to no avail. In a high place, as ye maid prepares to kill herself before Sir James...)
Sir James: Halt fair maid, I can protect thee!
Maid: Like thee did protect the Swiss Banker?
Sir James: Anyone can have an off day- I'll do better with thee. With thee I'd be'est all over you.
Maid: I be'eth lost, no one can protect me from HIM! Farewell!
(Ye maid doth jump to her death, as Sir James rubs his wounded shoulder and exits...)

Intermission. Maidens dance in oil. A Scotswoman sings. No, a different one this time.

Act 2, Scene 2. A castle.

Dame Miles: Most grieved am I by the death of King Robert. All efforts to avenge his death shall be done by thee, mine bondsmen.
William of Tanner: Here are thine scrolls..... for everyone in the audience! (All ye Double-Os whoop and cheer, like a Lady Oprah audience.)....except for thee, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Tanner!
William of Tanner: ‘Tis by decree of Dame Miles that thou art too grievously injured for thine duties.
Sir James: Then the physician I shall... persuade otherwise.
Moneypenny: Most sure I am that she will be persuaded by thine devotion to the job in hand.

(Sir James waits outside ye physician's chamber...Ye Doctor is seen talking with two Arab gentlemen.)
Physician Warmflesh: Good morrow Sir James, I'll be with you in a couple of sheikhs!
(Later Sir James enters ye physician's chamber.)
Physician: Sit ye down Sir James.... unless thine old problem with "The Farmer" hath returned?
Sir James: Nay, I need a clean parchment of health for Dame Miles, so I can again crusade for the realm.
Physician: Thee did forget to correspond with me after our last..... consultation!
Sir James: (As he removes the lady's head dress.) I do promise to.
Physician: So this be'eth how my reputation ends, not with a roar....
Sir James: ....but with a wimple!

Act 2, Scene 2. Ye Old Wizard’s lair.

Old Wizard: Vexed am I that mine sailing vessel hast been marred by thee, Naught Naught Seven, for it was intended for mine restful days of dotage: fishing and growing butternut squash, cucumbers and kabocha.
Sir James: Well, you always were marrow minded... ‘Tis mine hope these days come to pass with no haste, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard: Nay, but oftimes my wife sits among the cabbages and peas .....
Sir James: I doth remember telling you to have that privy mended!
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven, for I wouldst introduce thee to mine successor. He be'eth sent from ye Ministry of Silly Walks.

New Wizard: Naught Naught Seven, the Old Wizard is no more. He hath ceased to be.
Sir James: Forsooth, thou art something completely different.
New Wizard: Aye, and I hath discovered why Naught Naught Seven's new carriage is slow when commuting: ’tis full of tins of cooked meat .
Sir James: Commuter Spam eh?
New Wizard: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam!!! I should hath become a Lumberjack as dear Mama wanted.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Ever I have tried to teach you two things. First, never let them see thee bleed.
Sir James: And the second?
Old Wizard: Never wear green training shoes.

Act 3, Scene 1. Another place of business.

Sir James: From Albion I hath come to protect thee, Princess, at the behest of Dame Miles. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Princess Elektra: Of such protection I carry much doubt, for in thine protection was mine father when he was slain, and both the Swiss Banker and ye cigar girl.....
Sir James: AS I HAVE ALREADY SPOKEN "ANYONE CAN HAVE AN OFF DAY"!!!
Princess Elektra: Dame Miles and her yeomen hath failed me before.
Sir James: Thine reception ist cold, Princess.
Princess Elektra: I must inspect my lands on the high ground. It be good for my yeomen's morale.
Sir James: So it be'eth the morale high ground? I love'eth the high ground, I shall accompany thee!
Princess Elektra: No music do I need.
Sir James: I hath my skis as winter sports are so wholesome.
Princess Elektra: Thou shalt ski with me forthwith. In faith, pointless is life if thou canst not feel alive.
(Atop ye high ground, they look across Princess Elektra's lands.......)
Sir James: Thine father's monument.
Princess Elektra: My family’s monument! In a carriage ‘twould take three days to cover these lands.
Sir James: Oh, I did have an old carriage like that once. Sold it for a new Aston Martin.
Princess Elektra: DB ten?
Sir James: Nay, mine goes up to eleven.
(Suddenly they be attacked by varlets. Sir James doth battle with them and rises victorious, they run off leaving Sir James holding a small piece of a fallen Knights tunic .)

Act 3, Scene 2. A gaming house.

Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Tsar Valentin: Sayest thou not “hello”? And on mine life I shouldst more security carry.
Sir James: The Princess Elektra I wouldst discuss with thee.
Tsar Valentin: Thou art tardy, Sir James, for here she stands.
Princess Elektra: With thee I wouldst play cards, Tsar Valentin, for one million pieces of gold.
Tsar Valentin: Such sums exceed mine coffers, Princess, and wouldst take all mine gold. Lucky would I be to find work... perhaps in a school somewhere...
Sir James: This game I canst not play.
Princess Elektra: Thou ist afraid, Sir James.
(Cards are played. Tsar Valentin emerges victorious.)

Act 4, Scene 1. A mine.

Alchemist Turkey: Thou shalt know me as Alchemist Christmas Turkey and I prithee to not make merry of mine name. How shall I call thee?
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Alchemist Arkov, of thine name no fowl yolks shell I crack.
Alchemist Turkey: Seek'est thou a glimmer?
Rascal Renard: Cry hold, for an imposter ist among us. Alchemist Arkov ist three-and-sixty years old, yet Sir Roger Moore thou most surely art not.

Sir James: ‘Tis thee who ist the imposter, Rascal Renard.
Rascal Renard: Oh, sorry- thou hast mistaken me for someone who cares. 'Tis time for thee to die.
Sir James: Do it tomorrow- thou hast made enough mistakes for one day.
Rascal Renard: In faith, pointless is life if thou canst not feel alive.
Sir James: Familiar are these words....

Act 5, Scene 1. A ship under the sea.

Rascal Renard: Though perish I may, in faith I do it for Princess Elektra!
Sir James: The princess ist slain, Renard, by none other than I.
Rascal Renard: Nay!
(They struggle. Rascal Renard ist slain.)
Sir James: ‘Tis now time to stuff my Christmas turkey.
Alchemist Turkey: Oh, Sid James! I mean, Sir James!

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Barbel, Thunderpussy

Barbel · March 2017

Sir James 20

Act 1, Scene 1. A beach, somewhere exotic and definitely not Wales.

A great wave rolls into shore like a tempest; in its midst art three valiant knights, standing upon their shields, surfing the same monstrous wave, as the lilt of a nearby minstrel plays on the air, about how he wishes all maidens could be California Colonies Maidens ......
Once on shore the lead knight removes his fake David of Hasselhoff mask, to reveal himself as none other than Sir James Bond! His two companions quickly overpower a rival knight awaiting a rendezvous, with punches and grappling for his precious stones. Quickly Sir James takes his place and purse of precious jewels then puts on his ingenious disguise of glasses with a fake nose and moustache attached. Soon a carriage approaches ........

Sir James: These be’eth mine credentials. (He doth show his jewels.)
Coachman: Um! Very impressive jewels! In order they appear'est, come with me......
(Sir James climbs aboard, soon arriving at a knight’s compound where they are met by a strong warrior.)
Zao: Thou may know me as Zao, and thou art late.
Sir James: Yea, verily, I did run into a little road rage.
Colonel Moon: Sir Van Berkshirehunt, most pleased am I to meet thee.
Sir James: And I also, Colonel. Here have I ye gemstones to trade for thine weapons.
Colonel Moon: Mine weapons are concealed in yonder field, under the cow pats.
Sir James: Bull!
Colonel Moon: Nay, ‘tis no mince steak.
Sir James: Pull ye udder one.
(A pigeon lands on Zao’s shoulder. He doth untie a message from its leg, reads it, then whispers to Colonel Moon.)
Colonel Moon: Guards! Seize him!
(Sir James ist grabbed by several guards. His weapons and ye purse of diamonds art taken.)
Colonel Moon: So, thou art an assassin from Albion called Bond, James Bond?
Zao: (Aside.) Colonel, thine father doth approach soon.
Colonel Moon: Then most speedy we must be!
(The Colonel removes Sir James's glasses, and notices that both his nose and moustache come away with them.)

Colonel Moon: (Aside.) Um, this doth give me an idea, for future events! (Aloud.)Take him away and execute him- place him close to where my jeweller is examining mine gemstones.
Jeweller: Sire, this stone is like none other I have seen, this be a black orb with a wick which seems to be alight and growing shorter...
(Suddenly the purse of gemstones doth explode. Zao falls, his face hit by several gemstones. In the confusion Colonel Moon leaps onto a chariot, and heads into ye field of cow pats. Sir James jumps on a carriage, wincing a little at a pain in his knee, then giddies up the horses and follows.)

Colonel Moon: Ne'er shalt thou catch me, Sir James!
Sir James: We shalt see!
(Their chase doth throw up piles of manure. Blinded, Colonel Moon drives straight off a cliff. Sir James manages to grab hold of a convenient bell.)
Sir James: Well, ding-dong...
(He turns to see General Moon with many armed men.)
General Moon: Thou hast slain the Colonel- my son.
Sir James: Colonel Sun? I thought he was Colonel Moon!
(General Moon gives him a withering look as his men take hold of Sir James.)

Intermission. Maidens dance with scorpions as a woman from across the sea sings:

I have to wake up, yes and no I'm gonna make some theat're tune
I like to keep this secret I have to make this music now

I guess, try another day x4

I'm gonna break the cycle I'm gonna make a good song
It's gonna destroy my ego I'm gonna change the tune again

I guess, try another way x4

There was a day when I got Goodhead
Not the next day but Pussy Galore instead
Goodnight, Goodnight is saying quietly
At least the Russian Girl will get Onatopp of me
Honey is a good Ryder and I get Plenty
I don't need that XXX I got for twenty
Tomorrow I'll have breakfast with Tiffany
and I make Christmas come regularly
When I'm in Paris I play Domino and Solitaire
I always rise to the occasion it's just fair
Attempting re-entry as much as I want
Will give them a re-fill because I'm Bond

I'm gonna try yet another way There are so many more to try
I can compose another day It's not yet time to deliver

I guess, use another tune x4

I'm gonna use all cliches I'm gonna suspend the harm'nies
It will not be a pleasure It's gonna end my career now

I guess, run another way x4

I think I'll find...another way There's so much more to write
I guess I'll find...another way It's my time to go.

For every script, I'll have to pay No time to work. No time to play.
I think I'll find another way It's my time to go.

I'm gonna scratch the surface I'm gonna shake up the forum
I'm gonna destroy my ego I'm gonna close my 'puter now

Act 2, Scene 1. A prison. Sir James ist chained to ye wall. Enter General Moon.

General Moon: Greetings, Sir James. Look, I have brought thee flowers and chocolates, and a bottle of Lucozade.
Sir James: Give them to the concierge.
General Moon: I would, but alack she has no place to keep them in her chosen attire.
Sir James: Mmm, I do like a woman in a bikini- no concealed weapons.
General Moon: Enough of thine jests- for ye last time, who was my son's ally in thine land?
Sir James: No doubt the same one who betrayed me.
General Moon: Thou shalt come with me. Guards!
(Several guards appear. Sir James ist unchained and led to a carriage.)
Sir James: Where do we go? Tell me!
General Moon: We have come to the end, Sir James.
Sir James: Driver, watch out for yon man with green trainers! (Thump.) Ah, well, too late.
General Moon: No matter. We have arrived, Sir James. Out from ye carriage!
(They exit by a bridge, shrouded in mist.)
General Moon: Thou must walk across yonder bridge, Sir James. Now!
(Sir James begins to walk. A figure approaches, which he recognises as Zao, now with gemstones stuck into his face.)
Sir James: So! We are trading places.
Zao: And it took 48Hrs to arrange.
Sir James: In another 48Hrs I shalt be home.
Unseen Voice: (Off.) Keep walking!
(Sir James starts to walk again. When he reaches the other side, he ist swiftly surrounded and knocked unconscious.)

Act 2, Scene 3. A galleon at harbour. Sir James sleeps lying in a hammock.

Sir James: (Awakening.) ...oh that was wonderful, Felix, can we do that again? (He awakes, to see Dame Miles looking down at him.) ;% Oh! Ah! Em!
Dame Miles: M indeed. Welcome back, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Hm, thou doth not appear pleased to see me.
Dame Miles: Overjoyed, but thine freedom came at a high price.
Sir James: How so?
Dame Miles: Many secrets from my court have reached foreign shores whilst thou hast been in captivity. Many embarrassing secrets!
Sir James: Surely thou hast no embarrassing secrets, mine liege.
Dame Miles: Ha, then thou did not see mine hotel in India. Though I was thinking more about ye New Wizard’s novelty restraining device for interrogations, which he did test upon Maid Moneypenny and laid her most innermost desires open for all to see.
Sir James: But this was naught to do with me?
Dame Miles: Oh, they were all to do with thee, Naught Naught Seven... Speaking of which, thine interesting collection of Gentleman’s Interest fine art ist now known to ye French!
Sir James: Nay! Even the German ones?
Dame Miles: Especially the German ones. And on that matter, the Germans now know that ye Royal Navy hast naught but a single rowing boat guarding the coast of Scotland.
Sir James: The one manned by ye toothless olde drunkard from Edinburgh?
Dame Miles: Just so. Thou art the only one who has been in enemy hands, or even abroad recently. Great suspicion has been placed upon thee, and thou art to undergo retraining at our most private institution in Bolton.
Sir James: Nay, not Bolton, I prithee! Who knows who I might run into there!
Dame Miles: ‘Twill be as I say. Thou art no use to anyone now. Thine Naught Naught status ist rescinded.
(Exit Dame Miles. Sir James begins to ponder how to escape from ye galleon... Slowly an idea doth come to him.)

Act 2, Scene 4. A grand boarding house. Enter Sir James, soaking wet wearing only his undershirt and a pair of green training shoes. Gasps of horror are heard from ye clientèle as he approaches the clerk.

Sir James: Mine usual chambers, I prithee.
Clerk: Such attire ist not permitted in civilised company, good sir.
Sir James: Thine pardon I crave. (Removes ye green shoes and tosses them in ye bin.) Ist that better?
Clerk: Most certainly!
Yeoman Chang: Our finest chambers for Sir James, and apace!
Sir James: I thank'ee, Yeoman Chang.
Yeoman Chang: Hast thou been making mud pies, Sir James?
Sir James: Merely surviving, Yeoman Chang. I prithee, may I have ye chambers with the peaceful fountains?
Yeoman Chang: Of course, and I shalt have some food sent up. The stuffed sheep's head, perhaps?
Sir James: Perfect.

(Later, in Sir James's chambers.)
Yeoman Chang: Everything ist to thine satisfaction?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so- but one more boon I crave of thee. 'Tis known thou art an agent of discretion for thine government, Yeoman Chang, and I do seek a man called Zao who hast done both thee and me great disservice. His present whereabouts I must know.
Yeoman Chang: Ah, Zao... 'tis known he ist in Cuba. I will arrange a sailing for thee apace, Sir James. And perhaps thee would like a massage, also?
Sir James: Nay, this kind of client I am not.

Act 3, Scene 1. Cuba. Sir James visits a maker of cigars.

Sir James: I have come for the Delectables.
Guard: The Delectables? Did they not have a few hits in ye 60s? Like "Mine Love Is Like A Prick.... On A Tudor Rose" and "There Be’eth Nothing Wrong With A Little Bump & Grind"?
Sir James: Nay, Delectable cigars! Thou know'est, put thine lips round it and suck?
(Sir James mimes sucking on a cigar.)
Guard: Ah! You'll be wanting Jose, he has a reputation for such.....
Sir James: Nay! This a special request.
Guard: I do not think Jose does requests...?
Sir James: Please, just the cigars! (Sir James points to a box.) Like these, that come with a health warning.
Guard: Oh! .... Although to be honest Jose also comes with a health warning, he....
Sir James: The Delectables?
Guard: Alack, no longer do we make those cigars here.
Sir James: I have heard that real Cuban cigars are rolled on the thighs by virgins, would this be true?
Guard: Aye, ‘tis true, that ist ye tradition- but we cannot find virgins to employ. It seems this generation just love to Roger More.
Sir James: Most saddened I am to hear this. Thou should take me to thine employer forthwith.
(Sir James is taken to a rooftop office, a man is taking a cigar from a box and lighting it.)
Sir James: Humidor?
Raoul: Nay, mine name is Raoul, and who doth seek me?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Ye Delectables I have called for.
Raoul: Ne'er did I think I would hear this..... Although there is quite a large fee for storage .
Sir James: I do seek a tourist, er, terrorist called Zao.
Raoul: Hmm, in this I do believe I can help thee.
Sir James: Also, a most speedy carriage would be of assistance.
Raoul: Most surely, and I prithee take this scroll also: “Birds Of The West Indies”. Thee may find it of nominal value.

Act 3, Scene 2. A drinking place by the sea. Enter Sir James, ignoring a boorish man insulting a waiter. He doth espy a beauteous wench arising from the sea, which brings a warm smile of remembrance to his lips.

Sir James: ‘Tis a magnificent view.
Beauteous Wench: Aye, ‘tis a pity ‘tis not more appreciated. What ist thine name, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. I prithee, partake of this fine beverage.
Beauteous Wench: Thou may know me as Miss Hap. Here, take hold of this gold statuette while I doth dry myself sensually with this towel.
Sir James: Mine liege Dame Miles hath one just like this, which I hath greatly admired. (Casually attempts to slip it into his pocket.)
Miss Hap: No fear, I willst have that back pronto! (Sips drink.) Mm, this beverage I could grow to like. What doth bring thee here, Sir James?
Sir James: Only here for ye birds am I, since I am an ornith... orni... bird watcher.
Miss Hap: Yea, that ist most surely a mouthful. Dost ye watch ye birds by night also?
Sir James: Nay, at night they... fly another way.
Miss Hap: So, what dost thee do at night?
Sir James: Then, ‘tis time to feast.
Miss Hap: Feast? Then I shall diet another day.

Act 3, Scene 3. An apothecary's lair.

Apothecary: So, thou do wish to change thine face?
Miss Hap: Aye, 'tis so.
Apothecary: Yet thou art most beauteous, why would this be so?
Miss Hap: I do wish to hide from the Razzies, to me they have been most unkind.
Apothecary: Well, ye simplest method is to use this most magnificent set of glasses, nose and moustache but I do feel that this may perhaps be inappropriate for a maiden. Hmm, let me study thee...
Miss Hap: Mayhap it may be more appropriate for thee to study this!
(She produces a dagger, slays ye apothecary, and exits.)

(Nearby, Sir James finds Zao lying in a bunk being read to by a friar.)
Friar: ...."Thou wert born in Norway, and thou hast an inordinate interest in smalahove..."
Sir James: Have at thee, Zao!
Zao: Sir James!
(They struggle, ye friar runs off. Zao leaps out of a window, Sir James follows and outside meets Miss Hap.)
Sir James: What? Thou ist here?
Miss Hap: Not for long, Sir James!
(She jumps into an unconvincing stage painting of a cliff dropping into the sea as Zao makes his escape.)

Act 3, Scene 1. A chamber near St James's Palace where some knights doth practice with their swords. Sir James approaches a lady.

Sir James: Virginity?
Virginity: Greetings, Sir James. 'Tis well we are met again.
Sir James: When last we met, 'twas on holiday, on the Isle of Bonita. I do believe thou wast touched ... for the the thirty first time...
Virginity: I see'est thou canst still keep up thine tip, Sir James?
Sir James: Yes, I believe I can still manage to get into thy groove... tell me, who's that girl?
Virginity: Feast thine eyes on the finest swordsman in Albion, Sir James- or rather swordswoman, Miss Chili Frosty. She took the king's gold medal.
Sir James: She looks like a material girl.
Virginity: And now she is teaching Sir Gustav. He hath won such riches, no-one else doth dare to cross swords with him. Wouldst thou care to meet him?
Sir James: Most certainly.
(Virginity introduces Naught Naught Seven to Sir Gustav Graves. Sir James doth stare at his familiar-looking glasses, nose and moustache.)

Sir Gustav: Have we met ere now, Sir James?
Sir James: I'm sure I wouldst but remember, Sir Gustav.
Sir Gustav: And art thou a gambling man?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis possible.
(At this, Sir Gustav withdraws a chicken from his britches. Seeing this, Sir James withdraws an even larger one from his britches. Several maidens gasp.)
Virginity: I must withdraw Sir James... I hate cockfights.
Sir James: Adieu, Virginity, may thou be touched for the very last time...
(The two chickens circle each other warily before Sir Gustav’s makes a daring lunge, drawing blood from ye wing of Sir James’s bird who lunges back to draw blood for ye other’s breast.)
Sir James: First blood from ye breast, Sir Gustav.
Sir Gustav: Shall we make it best of three, or art thee chicken?
Sir James: Do not get cocky!
Sir Gustav: Thou art trying to ruffle mine feathers.
Sir James: Toucan play at that game!
(Ye two birds begin to fight more ferociously. Each eggs the other on.)
Sir James: I suspect fowl play.
Miss Frosty: That ist enough!
Sir Gustav: Nay, Chili, 'tis merely sport!
Miss Frosty: Enough eggscruciating puns, I mean. He most surely has thee beaten there, Sir Gustav.
Sir Gustav: Then we shalt settle ye wager downstairs. Sir James, mayhap you would care to join me at mine place in Iceland?
Sir James: But of course- shall I wait by ye burgers or ye frozen chips?
Sir Gustav: 8-) Chili, give Sir James the details. (Exits.)
Miss Frosty: Here art thine tickets for sailing to Iceland, Sir James.
Sir James: I do hope for thine company, Miss Frosty, in such an inclement location. Shared bodily warmth I find most comforting.
Miss Frosty: Of this I am sure. (Exits.)
Steward: Sir James, a message hast been left for thee. (Hands Sir James a key.)
Sir James: I thank'ee, good man.
(Sir James stares thoughtfully at the key.)

Act 3, Scene 2. Below Tower Bridge.

Sir James: Ne’er did I think I would be here, meeting thee in a ladies’ privy.
Dame Miles: Certain am I that this ist not ye first time thou hast been in such a place, Naught Naught Seven. What hast thou learned about Sir Gustav?
Sir James: Thou do ask for mine help, after I have been burnt?
Dame Miles: Thine complexion ist hardly relevant, and anyway I did think that thou had merely acquired a tan during thine sojourn in Cuba.
Sir James: ‘Twas better than my short dip in the Thames last time...
Dame Miles: That may be so, but after the Cuban debacle we have become the laughing stock of ye intelligence community.
Sir James: ‘Twould not be the first time, mine liege.
Dame Miles: Then ‘tis time for a little plain, solid work- thou should visit ye New Wizard forthwith.

Act 3, Scene 3. The New Wizard’s lair, which ist full of old relics. Enter Sir James.

Sir James: Greetings, Wizard, ist this ye correct room?
New Wizard: I hath told thee once.
Sir James: No, thee did not.
New Wizard: I most certainly did.
Sir James: I hath not come for an argument. (He spies an olde battered satchel.) Ah, this satchel I doth remember from Istanbul.
New Wizard: Not Constantinople?
Sir James: I prithee, let us not start that again.
(Sir James picks up a pair of battered shoes with a dagger protruding from them.)
Sir James: Forsooth, I recall these- hast thou an upgrade, Wizard?
New Wizard: Indeed, Naught Naught Seven, but they are far more deadly.
Sir James: Gadzooks! Doth they contain a lance? Or perhaps let fly poisoned arrows?
New Wizard: Far worse, Naught Naught Seven... they are luminous green.
Sir James: Ah! (He hurriedly drops ye shoes.)
New Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this enchanted ring! ‘Twill shatter any glass it doth touch.
Sir James: And for mine transport?
New Wizard: Ah, of this I am particularly proud- behold!
(Ye New Wizard points at... nothing.)
Sir James: Methinks thine logic ist, er, fawlty?
New Wizard: ‘Tis our most latest spell! An enchanted carriage which cannot be seen!
Sir James: I wish that I hadst but not seen those green shoes...
New Wizard: For it to become seen or unseen, thou hast only to whisper ye magic word.
Sir James: And what might that word be?
New Wizard: 'Tis a word which ist not to be mentioned in polite company, lest ye be banned for an eon.
Sir James: Aye, pray tell me.
New Wizard:

"Tamahori"

Sir James: Rest assured I shalt not let anyone hear me say that!

Act 4, Scene 1. Sir James drives his enchanted carriage to a castle surrounded by ice near a tall mountain.

Yeoman Murder: Greetings, Sir James, I am Yeoman Murder.
Sir James: Well, I wouldn't crow about it.
(Sir Gustav enters on a sleigh, drawing up at his wizard, Vlad.)
Vlad: Most speedy thou wert, mine liege, ‘tis a new best for thee!
Sir Gustav: Make it speedier yet, Vlad. Ah, greetings, Sir James, dost thee like mine sleigh?
Sir James: Mayhap ‘twould be speedier with another two reindeer, and without ye large sack of presents?
Sir Gustav: Ho-ho-ho.
Sir James: Yonder shrouded building, on the mountain there- ist that a secret?
Sir Gustav: Nay, 'tis a surprise. Dost thou like mine palace?
Sir James: Thou dost live in a palace of ice?
Sir Gustav: Nay! That did seem like a good idea at the time, but there were some unforeseen practical problems- 'tis more of an ice smithy. Working a large forge ist very warm work, causing ye unforeseen difficulties. Yeomen were constantly replacing melted parts of the building.
Sir James: Didst thou not consider making it of ice?
Sir Gustav: 'Twould be impractical and silly, ye castle ist obviously made of stone. Later I shalt talk more with thee. Mine assistant shalt show ye in.
(Enter Miss Frosty.)
Miss Frosty: Come with me, Sir James.
Sir James: Oh, I’d love to come with you. Alack, here ‘tis cold and frigid, thou must feel most comfortable.
Miss Frosty: Thou will never know how comfortable I do feel.
Sir James: Alack, what a pity.
Miss Frosty: Here ist ye bar, order thineself a drink.
(Enter Miss Hap.)
Sir James: Again we meet, though under less clement skies.
Miss Hap: Aye, ‘tis much colder here- sometimes I do wish I could control ye weather.
Sir James: Then thou would be a Storm in a C-cup.
Miss Hap: Xactly.
Miss Frosty: So, ye know each other?
Miss Hap: Aye, olde friends we be.

Act 4, Scene 2. A secret chamber with a glass floor behind ye castle.

Sir Gustav lies on a divan. A shadowy figure enters, and removes Sir Gustav’s glasses, nose and moustache to reveal the face of Colonel Moon.
Sir Gustav: Zao! Mine friend! (They embrace.)
Zao: Most pleased am I to see thee. Hast thou seen Sir James?
Sir Gustav: As close to him as I am to thee I have been, and he hast not realised.
Zao: ‘Tis most surely a wonder, yon glasses. Ah, thou hast a spare set, too.
Sir Gustav: Aye, they were recommended by one Clark of Kent- he did say he hath used a similar idea for eighty years with much success. Now, let me put them back on- I must go and make mine speech.

A crowd ist gathered outside ye castle.
Sir Gustav: Mine lords, ladies and gentlemen, and anyone else who happens to be present, we art all privileged this night to witness ye first demonstration of a miracle of alchemy and science which I hath named “Icarus”. Behold!
(A beam of light doth pierce the darkness from the side of the neighbouring mountain. Sir James and Miss Hap shield their eyes.)
Sir Gustav: From a most gigantic mirror, clad in gold, doth shine a second sun bringing sunlight to people, cattle and crops in narrow valleys for purely humanitarian reasons and not for evil uses at all, most definitely not.
(Miss Hap sidles off. Sir James waits until Sir Gustav finishes, then quietly follows him as he meets his men, Vlad and Yeoman Murder.)
Vlad: Well done, mine liege!
Sir Gustav: Humph, thou must try harder Vlad.
(An arm pulls Sir James into ye shadows. He ist startled when Miss Frosty begins to kiss him.)
Sir James: What? Not that I be complaining, but I didst think thou did not like me.
Miss Frosty: From ye guards I am concealing thee, Naught Naught Seven, for I too am in service to Dame Miles.
Sir James: Ah, that ist why thou were pretending not to find me impossibly attractive!
Miss Frosty: Er... aye, that must be it. Careful, thine flintlock ist hurting me.
Sir James: That ist not mine flintlock. Quick, here come ye guards, kiss me again!
Miss Frosty: To thine chambers we should go, apace.

Act 4, Scene 3. Ye secret chamber. Enter Miss Hap.

Miss Hap: Now, what can we find here...? Hmm...(She doth pick up Sir Gustav's spare set of glasses, nose and moustache.) ...it says "If found please return to Colonel Moon..."
(Enter Zao and Yeoman Murder.)
Zao: I shalt take care of that! Seize her, Yeoman. Now, who hath sent thee?
Miss Hap: Acme Pollution Services- we art cleaning up ye world, and thought this a suitable place to start.
Zao: Leave I must- Yeoman Murder, you may choose which way this spy should die.

(Ye chambers of Sir James.)
Miss Frosty: Mmm, that was most wonderful, Sir James.
Sir James: We aim to please. Alack, I must leave to investigate the doings of Sir Gustav. Now, where did I put mine flintlock...?
Miss Frosty: Here, 'twas under thine pillow.
Sir James: Ah, of course.
Miss Frosty: Take care, Sir James.
Sir James: I most certainly will. (Exits.)

(Ye secret chamber. Miss Hap ist bound to a wooden X.)
Yeoman Murder: Now, how shalt I slay thee... mayhap with this sword? Nay, too commonplace. Should I use this rope to choke thee...? Hmmm...
Miss Hap: Sure I am that whatever thee choose thine mother will be most disappointed with thee.
Yeoman Murder: Aye, ‘tis true. She did hope that I might have been an apothecary, or a scribe, but I did choose the path of easy money. Ah, I know- I shalt slay thee with the light from Sir Gustav’s mirror!
(Enter Sir James.)
Sir James: I think it not, have at thee!
Yeoman Murder: Gadzooks!
(They do battle, Sir James emerging victorious.)
Sir James: Hmm, murder hast been slain. Death hast been killed? Kil hast been deathed?
Miss Hap: Enough, Sir James, free me from these Bond James Bonds!
Sir James: That I will, but not until thou hast imparted unto me who hast sent thee here- ‘tis surely not a coincidence that thou hast turned up first in Cuba then here.
Miss Hap: I have been sent by those across the sea, for I do have mine own adventures which may someday be a series of their own.
Sir James: Perish the thought. (Unties Miss Hap.) Now, thou must make haste to Miss Frosty, for like me she ist in fiefdom to Dame Miles. I willst confront Sir Gustav here.
Miss Hap: Then thou must know that I did find a set of glasses, nose and moustache which did say “If found return to Colonel Moon”.
Sir James: Colonel Moon! Marry, so he and Sir Gustav are one and the same!
Miss Hap: Aye, and Zao ist here also.
Sir James: We must tell Dame Miles apace- quickly, go thee to Miss Frosty!
(Exit Miss Hap. Sir James settles down to await Sir Gustav.)

Act 4, Scene 4. Sir Gustav enters ye secret chamber.

Sir James: So, we meet again... Colonel. (He points his flintlock at Sir Gustav.)
Sir Gustav: Thou hast seen through mine disguise, Sir James, but thou must know that it was thee who I did model myself on.
Sir James: ‘Twas I? How so?
Sir Gustav: Thine disguise when thou was assuming the identity of Sir Van Berkshirehunt didst give me the idea. Who knows, mayhap one day I shalt be Bond James Bond myself!
Sir James: Certain I am that both of Radio 4’s listeners will be enthralled.
(Enter Zao and Miss Frosty.)
Miss Frosty: Drop thine flintlock, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou art with Sir Gustav? But I did send Miss Hap to thee!
Miss Frosty: And I have taken care of her, her death shalt be soon.
(Sir James fires his flintlock, but it ist empty.)
Miss Frosty: As you see, I did empty it while we were in bed.
Sir James: 'Twas not the only thing thou didst empty...
Zao: And we do have a score to settle. (He strikes Sir James, who falls to ye glass floor. Sir James uses ye Wizard’s enchanted ring and the glass doth shatter. All fall below, and Sir James runs off.)
Sir Gustav: After him, apace!

Act 4, Scene 5. Outside ye ice palace.

(Sir James runs quickly to his enchanted carriage. With his face contorted in distaste, he doth say the word told to him by ye New Wizard.)
Sir James:

Tamahori!

(Ye carriage can no longer be seen. Sir James drives off apace.)
Zao: What enchantment ist this? Yeomen, mine carriage!
(Zao chases off after where Sir James hast disappeared.)
Zao: Now, where in ye name of

Tamahori

canst he be...? A-ha!
(Zao doth pursue Sir James, who can now be seen.)
Sir James: Blast! Now, mayhap I should head for yonder cliff of ice, fashion a makeshift sail and surfboard, and... nay, that wouldst never work. 'Tis too far-fetched.
(He doth simply fire an arrow, slaying Zao.)
Sir James: Much better! Now, to rescue Miss Hap.

Act 4, Scene 6. Outside ye palace of ice as Sir James and Miss Hap emerge, both very wet.

Miss Hap: Most thankful I am to thee, Sir James, for arriving just in time to save me from a watery death.
Sir James: Of this think nothing, beauteous maiden, now let us make speed to capture Sir Gustav and Miss Frosty!
Miss Hap: Lo, Sir James, over there!
(They do spy their adversaries making their escape in a winged chariot.)
Sir James: Alack, too late.
Miss Hap: What shalt we do now?
Sir James: To mine liege Dame Miles we must fly.
Miss Hap: Most quickly, though let us get out of these wet clothes before we doth freeze.
Sir James: Hmm...

Act 5, Scene 1. Ye throne room of Dame Miles.

Sir James: ...then Sir Gustav and Miss Frosty did make their escape, and I have returned to thee with Miss Hap.
Dame Miles: Know thee then, Naught Naught Seven, that Sir Gustav ist at ye head of a fleet approaching our shores at this very moment. He hast threatened to burn all of our fleet with the light from his magic mirror.
Sir James: Then I must go apace to stop him!
Miss Hap: I would go with thee, but I must ask this of mine liege who ist across the sea.
Dame Miles: Alack, nay, for he ist here. ( 8-) Sighs.) Send in Lord Falco!
(Enter the boorish Lord Falco.)
Lord Falco: A fine mess thou hast made of this, Naught Naught Seven. I didst think thou wert supposed to be some kind of hero. Mine agent of discretion Miss Hap shalt accompany thee, to make sure this mission doth go right. And I shalt remain here with Dame Miles.
Dame Miles: I think not- thou shalt await halfway between, accompanied by ye New Wizard.
Lord Falco: You mean...?
Dame Miles: Aye- stuck in the middle with Q.

Act 5, Scene 2. On the ocean, Sir James and Miss Hap approach Sir Gustav’s flagship in a small boat.

Miss Hap: I shalt tie our boat here. Quickly, Sir James, up ye rope and I shalt follow.
Sir James: Er... nay, you go first and I shalt follow.
Miss Hap: And why should this be so?
Sir James: Oh, no reason...

(They scale ye rope, Sir James enjoying his view.)
Sir James: Thou do climb like a cat, woman.
Miss Hap: Sssh, I'm trying to forget about that.
(They enter ye galleon.)
Sir James: I shalt find Sir Gustav- you find Miss Frosty.
Miss Hap: 'Twill be a pleasure.

(In the captain’s cabin.)
Sir Gustav: ...so thou do see, General Moon, that all of this I hast done for thee- Father!
General Moon: Father? But mine son ist dead.
Sir Gustav: ‘Tis not so- behold! (Takes off his disguise.)
General Moon: I prithee, how can this be so?
(Enter Sir James.)
Sir James: Thine plans are over, Sir Gustav.
Sir Gustav: What, thou doth live?
Sir James: 'Tis so. I used to think thou wert a pain in ye neck, but my opinion of thee has lowered since then.
Sir Gustav: Now, thou shalt die!
(They struggle. Sir James outmatches Sir Gustav, who cries for help to his wizard.)
Sir Gustav: Vlad! Cast a spell, apace!
(Vlad produces his wand and points it towards Sir James.)
Vlad: Rebootus totalus!
(Sir James slays Sir Gustav, as Miss Hap enters. Vlad flees.)
Sir James: Hast thou slain Miss Frosty?
Miss Hap: Aye, I did read her every move- but Sir James, what ist happening to thee?
Sir James: I know not... I feel strange...
Miss Hap: Thou art shrinking... thine hair ist turning blond!
Sir James: It must be the spell- what canst I do?
Miss Hap: Spell? That was a jinx!

(Exeunt omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Barbel, with contributions in the first half from Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous, Number24, Dirty Punker, and BondJasonBond006

Barbel · March 2017

THE ROYAL GAMBLING TAVERN

Act 1, Scene 1. A place of business.

Sir James: Dame Miles hath no quarrel with thee making thine fortune, Earl Dryden, though most bitterly she is vexed that her secrets thou doth betray.

Earl Dryden: Of thee I have no fear, Sir James, for thou hath not Naught Naught. ‘Tis a pity our intimacy has not flourished.
Sir James: Though the whereabouts of thine flintlock be known to me.
Earl Dryden: Mine conscience ist clean.
Sir James: Of course, for thou hast never used it.
Earl Dryden: Hast thee mine boon companion slain?
Sir James: ‘Tis true. (Sir James remembers...)

(A public toilet. A man is using ye facilities. Enter the Duc de Mathis.)
Duc de Mathis: Sir James Bond?
Evelyn Tremble: Aye, 'tis so.
Duc de Mathis: I am the Duc de Mathis. Examine ye mine credentials. (Displays.)
Evelyn Tremble: Most impressive.
Duc de Mathis: Come with me, I prithee.
(They exit. A man emerges from a cubicle. Enter Sir James, who beats ye living sh1t from ye man...)

Earl Dryden: Most deeply thou hast felt this, yet the second is-
(Sir James slays Earl Dryden.)
Sir James: Yea. Verily.

Intermission. Men struggle whilst playing cards are displayed. Strangely, no unclad or even scantily-clad maidens dance. A man from across the sea sings.

Act 2, Scene 1. The bedchamber of Dame Miles.

Dame Miles: In faith I doth think Sir James be deranged. With Naught Naught I have favoured him yet an ambassadorate he hath lain waste to.

Sir James: Thy pardon I crave, mine liege.
Dame Miles: Impertinence! How hast thou found mine bedchamber?
Sir James: In like manner to how I found that thine true name ist M...
Dame Miles: Should thou utter but one syllable I shall have thee slain.
Sir James: Then thee want'eth me to be silent as a monk, or mayhap half-monk, half hitman.
Dame Miles: In the sand I want'eth thee to bury thine head, Naught Naught Seven. And ne’er enter mine bedchamber again!
Sir James: Ne'er shall I, mine liege, until the sky doth fall.
Dame Miles: Hmm....

Act 3, Scene 1. A carriage.Sir James sits at a table as Lady Lynd enters, with waltherp99 watching enviously as Sir James chats her up.

Lady Lynd: The treasure am I.
Sir James: Yea, to the last bauble.
Lady Lynd: Mine name ist Vesper Lynd.
Sir James: ?:) West Berlin?
Lady Lynd: Many have thought so. In earlier times mine parents may have named me Valerie- I would have given them hell for that.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith.
Lady Lynd: Thine sundial ist most precious, Sir James, yet with thine intent I have little faith. On the treasure shall my eye be kept, lest ye think it shall fall on thy perfectly-formed arse.
Sir James: And mine eye shall not fall on thy broad chest, lest I be skewered as with my meat.
Lady Lynd: This game I do like.
Sir James: Know'est ye the difference between sex and conversation, then?
Lady Lynd: Nay.
Sir James: Good, come here and let us talk.
Lady Lynd: Mayhap mine being of education renders me not thine pursuit, Sir James.
Sir James: Nay, mayhap thine being unwed doth make this so.

Act 3, Scene 2. A drinking house.

Duc de Mathis: Rarely have I seen a more handsome couple.
Lady Lynd: A couple we most surely are not.
Sir James: Oh, thine lips look lonely- let me introduce them to mine.
Lady Lynd: 'Twill never happen.
Sir James: Surely thou wouldst kiss me for a hundred pieces of gold?
Lady Lynd: Nay!
Sir James: 'Tis a pity, I could use the money.
Duc de Mathis: ...when thou art quite ready, Sir James?
Sir James: Oh, of course. Thine assistance I doth crave, Duc de Mathis, for I wouldst vanquish Le Lecter in the playing of cards.
Duc de Mathis: For this, I wouldst mine assistance gladly proffer. The playing of cards I shall explain to Lady Lynd, though not to the audience at all. Most definitely not.
Sir James: Duc de Mathis, it worries me that for a Frenchman thou doth have a Scottish accent.
Duc de Mathis: Aye, laddie, it worries me too.

Act 3, Scene 3. A gaming house.

Le Lecter: Good sir, I know not whether to address thee as Beech or Bond.
Sir James: With this I have no problem. Come, let us make sport with the playing cards.
(Cards are played for two-and-seventy hours, Duc de Mathis giving explanation where necessary. And where not.)
Sir James: Thirsty am I. Steward, bring me a glass of mead, let it be shaken but stirred not, with a sliver of lemon.
Lord Felix: Yea, I will partake of this fine drink also, though thou can retain the fruit.
Le Lecter: And I will have a nice Chianti, with some fava beans.
(Cards are played for a further eight-and-forty hours.)
Lord Felix: Mayhap I should make myself known to thee, since we are kinfolk. I am Felix, Lord of Leiter, sent from across the sea.
Sir James: ‘Tis strange, for sure I am that we have met yet thine face be unfamiliar.
Lord Felix: Thine also, yet to this we shall grow accustomed even though it doth take fifty years.
(Cards are played for a further four-and-twenty hours. Sir James emerges victorious.)
Lady Lynd: Thou didst play most admirably, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith.
Lady Lynd: But where at such a late hour?
Sir James: I do know a little place...

Act 3, Scene 4. An eating place.

Lady Lynd: Mmm, this is delicious, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis a delicacy from ye colonies- fried chicken from Kentucky. I do believe ‘twill be most popular one day. More beans?
Lady Lynd: Another time, perhaps.
Sir James: I prithee, do you sleep on your stomach?
Lady Lynd: Why, nay.
Sir James: Good- can I sleep on it then?
Lady Lynd: About thine prowess with ye cards, I may have been mistaken for thou didst vanquish Le Lecter most admirably.
(A pigeon lands on their table. Lady Lynd unties a message from its leg.)
Sir James: What doth it say?
Lady Lynd: ‘Tis from ye Duc de Mathis- I should meet with him outside. I prithee, wait here.
(Exit Lady Lynd.)
Sir James: Hmm... Mathis....
(Hurriedly he follows outside, in time to see Lady Lynd be thrown into a carriage. Sir James makes his way to his own carriage and follows, knocking down a man in green trainers before crashing spectacularly.)

Act 4, Scene 1. A ship.

(Sir James awakes to find himself at a disadvantage, and that ist putting it mildly.)
Le Lecter: Great care with thine body hast thou taken, Sir James, though wasted it has been.
(He strikes Sir James from below with a green shoe.)
Sir James: Aargh!!!!
Le Lecter: Thy winnings I desire most strongly. Should thou not tell me where to find them, more pain shall I cause thee than thou canst possibly endure. 'Tis a deadly gamble, but you asked for it.
(Again he strikes Sir James.)
Sir James: I prithee, aid me with an itch I bear.
(Le Lecter strikes Sir James again.)
Sir James: Nay! Nay! To the right!
Le Lecter: Most amusing thou ist!
Sir James: Ne’er shall I tell thee what thou desirest.
(Enter Ye Pale King.)
Le Lecter: Thine treasure I shalt find.
(Le Lecter ist slain.)
Pale King: Treasure is of lesser value than knowing where trust can be placed.

Act 5, Scene 2. A boudoir.

Lady Lynd: Sir James, for thee I now carry great affection even unto thine little finger.
Sir James: And with mine little finger thou doth know'est what I can do...
Lady Lynd: Nay, but I wouldst like to find out. Take off thine armour, Sir James.
Sir James: For thee, I have no armour.
Lady Lynd: Alack, I have betrayed thee Sir James (Dies.).
Sir James: Alas, the bitch is dead now. Solace I do crave, even a small amount.

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

James Bond playing at Casino Royale
He won a lot of money and a gal at Casino Royale
Oh, he's not really such a wonderful spy
But winning lots of money and a gal, he's a fabulous guy

Barbel · March 2017

MODICUM OF COMFORT

Act 1, Scene 1.

(Sir James doth race his silver chariot most exceeding fast, pursued by varlets. All are destroyed by his miraculous feats of driving and some questionable editing. He then pulls in to a castle, and opens ye luggage box where ist found Ye Pale King, in chains.)
Sir James: ‘Tis time to get out, Pale King.

Intermission. Maidens dance in sand. Most horrendous cacophonies of noise be heard, almost drowning out the sound of Sir David Arnold quietly weeping in a corner, apologising to his framed portrait of Lord John Barry.
Sir David: Forgive me, Lord John, 'tis not my doing! I didst try most sincerely, even bringing back Dame Shirley and Ye Black Don, but 'twas not to be.

Act 2, Scene 2. A castle in a foreign place. Enter Dame Miles, Ye Pale King, Sir James, Yeoman Mitchell and two guards.

Sir James: Why is it a Lady of high standing, Dame Miles, taketh part in an inquisition in such a far-off land? Most Lords and Ladies stay'eth in their court?
Dame Miles: Know'est though not it always rains on England's soggy soil? Thee would also be wise to purchase cheap wine, cheese and fine cloth here in Italy's fair land.
Sir James: Here, though, sits Ye Pale King.
Dame Miles: Thou art in our hands, Pale King, and thou willst tell us all that we must know.
Pale King: ‘Tis most amusing, that thou think'est this. In our councils, we doth say “Dame Miles and those across the sea are listening” yet about us thou dost know nothing.
Dame Miles: Yet soon we shall know all, for exceeding fast learners we be.
Pale King: Vassals and lackeys we doth have everywhere.
Dame Miles: Everywhere? In the Outer Hebrides thou hast vassals and lackeys?
Pale King: Ah, not as such, but places where there really are people.
Sir James: (Worried.) Crowded places, such as public privies?
Pale King: ....Perchance not everywhere, but all places of great importance.
Sir James: The bawdy houses and gambling houses, you say?
Pale King: Not all the time, most costly this would be....
Dame Miles: Surely not the Queen's private chambers?
Pale King: Her chamber mai .... I mean, comment I could not.
Dame Miles: So “everywhere” was in fact braggadocious?
Pale King: Not braggadocious, no. It was an alternative fact. But everywhere important. Is this not so, Yeoman Mitchell?
(At this Yeoman Mitchell doth slay the two guards, and Sir James chases after him. Ye Pale King escapes.)

Act 2, Scene 3. The throne room of Dame Miles.

Dame Miles: Who art these varlets, Naught Naught Seven? “Vassals and lackeys we doth have everywhere”, he did say, ‘tis like a flower seller!
Sir James: I wouldst not know, I never send flowers.
Dame Miles: Oh? Not even three dozen red roses?
Sir James: ...er.. for eight years he didst work for thee, mine liege.
Dame Miles: He was in my trust! E’en did I buy him an ashtray for his birthday.
Sir James: Hmm, yet tobacco has yet to reach England's shores.
William of Tanner: Mine liege, the wizards have found that Yeoman Mitchell did receive thirty pieces of silver from a Yeoman Slate, who is to be found in a foreign boarding house.
Sir James: Then there I shall sail for immediately.

Act 3, Scene 1. A foreign boarding house.

Sir James: Greetings, steward, I seek the chambers of Yeoman Slate.
Steward: Certainly, good sir. This way... (They pass an elderly man with green shoes, reading a scroll.)
Steward: This door, sir.
Sir James: I thank'ee. (Enters.)
(Sir James doth battle with the varlet Slate, slaying him most brutally.)
Sir James: A most brisk brawl! ‘Tis like I am Bourne again!
(Sir James leaves ye boarding house and ist approached by a beauteous maiden.)
Lady Camille: Into my chariot, make haste!
Sir James: Most certainly.
Lady Camille: Verily, I did not think that those who studied the earth did appear so...
Sir James: So...?
Lady Camille: So... devil may care?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.

Act 3, Scene 2. A foreign place of business.

Lady Camille: I wouldst meet with Ye Green Lord.
Elvis: That’s all right.
Green Lord: Wherefore hast thou come to me, Lady Camille? Thou hast been plotting against me!
Lady Camille: Nay, Green Lord, ‘tis not true.
Green Lord: I fear ‘tis true.
Lady Camille: Why would I have come to thee were it not so?
Green Lord: Mayhap 'twas mine handsome face or mine sexy body?
Lady Camille: Nay, but I do admire thine sense of humour.
Green Lord: Pray let me introduce you to General Belgrano.
General Belgrano: Gotcha! In my boat thou must come, Lady Camille.
(Sir James rescues Lady Camille from the General’s boat. He doth overturn a boatful of varlets by use of a grappling hook... somehow. Hard to tell it doth be.)
Lady Camille: Thou art but a fool, Sir James, to be rescued was not mine intent!
Sir James: ...ah...

Act 4, Scene 3. An island.

Sir James: Duc de Mathis, I have come to call upon your aid.
Duc de Mathis: A bloody cheek thou dost have! Thee did call me traitor!
Sir James: And yet ye have this most enchanting isle, and most enchanting mistress.
Mistress: Rene, I beg thee, come rub lotion on mine skin.
Duc de Mathis: ...and you wouldst have me leave here, Sir James?

Act 4, Scene 4. A ship, travelling across that angry or glimmering sea. Duc de Mathis awakes to find Sir James sitting at the bar.

Duc de Mathis: What drink'est thee, Sir James?
Steward: He doth drink mead, shaken and not stirred it be. Forty-seven of them.
Sir James: Duc de Mathish, pleashe join me (hic!)
Duc de Mathis: Nay, Sir James, for thee be either bombed out of thine brain or doing a very bad Sean Connery impershonation, er, impersonation.
Sir James: Thou should hear mine Roger Moore! (hic!)
Duc de Mathis: Another time, perhaps.

Act 5, Scene 1. A hotel. Sir James and the Duc de Mathis are met by a comely young wench.

Penny: Sir James, sent have I been by Dame Miles to ensure your swift return. Thou must leave immediately.
Sir James: But what of my friend, the Duc? And what is thy name, fair maiden?
Penny: Of the Duc I have no orders, and thou may know'est me merely as Lane.
Sir James: Lane? Thou hast no first name, such as Lois?
Penny: Lane will do.
Duc de Mathis: Take care, Sir James, ‘tis likely she doth have handcuffs.
Sir James: One livest in hope. Cry hold, Lane, what sort of boarding house is this?
Penny: ‘Tis one which is fitting for our cover as pilgrims.
Duc de Mathis: A most splendid idea! I did always think of a pilgrim as your Bourne identity, Sir James.
Sir James: Nay, in a morgue I wouldst rather sleep! Come, let us take our rest in yonder establishment.
Penny: ‘Tis beyond our means, Sir James.

Sir James: We are the pilgrims, maid, we shall go always a little further.
(Sir James, Lane and the Duc enter a grand boarding house.)
Sir James: Greetings, steward, we wouldst have lodgings herein.
(Sir James places a large pouch of silver on the desk.)
Sir James: We are pilgrims who have experienced a miracle. Now Lane, I doth desire thine aid, for I am in search of pen and paper.

Act 5, Scene 2. A party.

Green Lord: I do thank ye all for attending. In these times, the streets doth be flooded with garbage and the contents of chamberpots. The Queen's forests are roamed by poachers, illegal lumberjacks and merry men. The Thames ist so polluted the Palace of Westminster has a most fishy and foul smell to it. Thou hast given large sums for the needy.
Lady Camille: ‘Tis more true that these large sums are for thee, Green Lord.
Green Lord: Come with me, Lady Camille. This ist not true!
Lady Camille: Here, have thee a tissue- there ist still a bit of bullshit left on thine mouth.
Green Lord: Thou must not such claims make lest I shalt slay thee.
Sir James: I wouldst stay thine hand, Green Lord.
Green Lord: Nay, mine friends do call me “Dominic”.
Sir James: Of this I am certain.
Green Lord: Hmm, a thought hath just crossed my mind.
Sir James: A short and lonely journey, I am sure.
Green Lord: Elvis, take Lady Camille from this place.
Elvis: You’re the boss.
(Penny Lane doth trip Elvis, who falls down the stairs.)
Elvis: I slipped, I stumbled, I fell!

Act 5, Scene 3. A boarding house. Sir James returns to find Dame Miles awaiting, with four stout yeomen.

Dame Miles: Much strife hast thou caused, Naught Naught Seven, and with those across the sea thou art not in favour.
Sir James: To do mine job thou must trust in me give, mine liege.
Dame Miles: Yet this damsel didst have trust in thee also, methinks? (Dame Miles doth disclose the body of Lane, covered with oil.)
Sir James: Oil? No oil there ist in this tale! ‘Twould be more befitting for her to be slain by water, or sand... or ashtrays, mayhap. Or bind the maiden to the bed, drag a block of marble up ye stairs and drop it on her. Exceeding strange...
Dame Miles: Thou must return to thine homeland at once. These four strong yeomen shalt ensure thine compliance.
(Sir James renders ye four yeomen unconscious with remarkable ease, and better editing than earlier.)
Sir James: Bourne free! Dame Miles, when this business is finished thou may be sure that return I shalt.

Act 6, Scene 4. An easily-inflammable boarding house.

Green Lord: Welcome, General, to our grand boarding house. We have made the walls from firewood, coal and tinder- far too much time ist spent feeding ye fireplace, so this we have done to save energy.
General Belgrano: I will have a drink sent to mine chambers by this young wench. Green Lord, what number art mine chambers?
Green Lord: Number 24, General.
General Belgrano: I thankee, and sweet maid there do wait for my presence.
Green Lord: Thou must sign these papers, General, lest thee find thine balls in thine mouth one fine morning.
General Belgrano: ...I will sign.
(Enter Sir James and Lady Camille.)
Sir James: 'Tis time for thee to die, Green Lord.
Green Lord: But nay, my plans were perfect.
Sir James; Alas, thou hast made more mistakes than Calvin Dyson. (Attacks.)
Lady Camille: Have at thee, General!
(They fight, Lady Camille slays the General. For no apparent reason the boarding house doth go on fire.)
Green Lord: Elvis, protect me!
Elvis: We’re caught in a trap! I can’t get out! (Dies.)
Sir James: No mercy I shalt have for thee, Green Lord, thou shalt be slain unless thou tellst me all regarding thine cohorts.
Green Lord: This I shall tell thee, but thirsty am I. Give me water, I beg thee.
Sir James: A better drink for thee I shall find...

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Barbel, Number 24

Barbel · March 2017

THE HEAVENS PLUMMET

Act 1, Scene 1. A foreign place.

Sir James: I hath found Yeoman Ronson, most gravely injured he be.
Dame Miles: (From afar.) This is as may be, hast ye found the scroll?
Sir James: Nay, ‘tis not here but attend to Yeoman Ronson I must.
Dame Miles: Thou hast no time, Naught Naught Seven, the scroll must be found!
Sir James: Yea, mine liege. (Attends to Yeoman Ronson anyway.) The apothecary ist soon to attend, Yeoman Ronson, thou wilt be in Apothecary Obama's care.
(Sir James descends the stairs, and is met by Eve, a comely young wench, in a chariot.)
Eve: Dame Miles hath decreed we must find the scroll.(Destroys ye chariot’s right looking glass.)
Sir James: ‘Tis no problem, thou were not using it. (She destroys ye left looking glass.)
Eve: Nor was I using that, Sir James.
Sir James: Take care, watch out for yon man with green trai... (Thump.) Oh well, too late.
Dame Miles: Thou must find the scroll!

Act 1, Scene 2. A bridge.

(Sir James struggles with a varlet upon ye bridge.)
Eve: I canst not fire mine crossbow, for Sir James I might hit!
Dame Miles: Thou must take the bloody shot!
(Eve fires her arrow and Sir James is struck. From the bridge he falls.)

Intermission. Shadows dance around a house, an Englishwoman sings whilst clutching a golden statuette.

Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Dame Miles. A bell doth toll.

Dame Miles: Most troubled am I. Alack, the most precious scroll has been lost and in deep manure I doth be. Oh, and also Naught Naught Seven hath perished.
William of Tanner: E’en so, mine liege, thou hast been summoned to answer to a high official.
Dame Miles: And what is the name of yon official?
William of Tanner: Ah, He Must Not Be Named.

Dame Miles: Tanner!
William of Tanner: ...Sir Gareth Mallory he be.

(The chambers of Sir Gareth Mallory.)
Sir Gareth: Thou hast lost the most precious scroll which was assigned to thee. ‘Tis time for thee to consider thine days of dotage.
Dame Miles: Ne’er will I leave my bondsmen in a worse state than I found them.
Sir Gareth: With dignity thou shouldst leave.
Dame Miles: Dignity to Hades can go, when mine job ist finished shalt I leave!
Sir Gareth: To the people we bear responsibility; to the people we will answer. No more will we fight in the shadows.
Dame Miles: Thou hast not understood, the one we do fight doth come from the shadows.
Sir Gareth: Can he play "Apache"?
(Dame Miles gives a withering look and exits.)

Act 2, Scene 2. The bedchamber of Dame Miles. An owl hoots.

Dame Miles: A most calamitous day this hast been, a drink must I have.
(Dame Miles doth hear a noise at her window.)
Dame Miles: Naught Naught Seven, where in Hades hast thou been?
Sir James: Merely enjoying death, though now I report for duty. “Thou must take the bloody shot”, thou didst say.
Dame Miles: And thou must take a bloody shower!
Sir James: In mine lodgings this I shall do.
Dame Miles: Thine lodgings have been sold. And thine belongings, most especially thine "gentleman's interest fine art collection".
Sir James: And who did purchase this?
Dame Miles: The landlord of some hostelry, "The Quietened Arrow and Maiden's Undergarment" methinks.
Sir James: Then a boarding house shalt I find.
Dame Miles: Thou art most certainly not staying here.

Act 1, Scene 5. A place of art.

(A tall man shod in green doth stare longingly and lovingly at a framed drawing in pencil)

(Close by, Sir James is studying a painting of a bloody big ship.)
Young Wizard: ‘Tis ever a melancholy painting, methinks, what say you?
Sir James: I say thou be naught but a spotty youth. (He make'eth to leave.)
Young Wizard: Naught Naught Seven... (Sir James sigh'eth and sits.) In verity, Dame Miles hath decreed that your wizard I shalt be.
Sir James: And what fate did befall the New Wizard, he of ye silly walk?
Young Wizard: He didst not expect the Spanish Inquisition.
Sir James: Ah, no-one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Young Wizard: Here have I two boons for thee.
(He give'eth Sir James a small box.)
Sir James: Hm, Christmas this be not... (Opens box.)... a small bell????
Young Wizard: Ah, but this bell be enchanted- should thee but tinkle yon bell once, then thou shalt be aided by winged chariots from afar.
Sir James: I wouldst have chosen a stylus which doth make fire.
Young Wizard: This we do not pursue in such modern times. Here also, take thee this sword. The hilt ist fashioned solely for thine hand, and the blade ist sharp enough to slay a dragon.
Sir James: Think'est thou dragons I shalt meet?
Young Wizard: One doth never know, Naught Naught Seven. Wouldst thee like a cup of Earl Grey tea?
Sir James: Er, perhaps another time.

Act 3, Scene 4. A gambling place. A band play "Good Morning Shanghai Town".

Sir James: With this token, I wouldst mine winnings claim.
Damsel Severine: So, thine next performance shalt we discuss with a drink, Sir...?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Stir not mine mead, though let it shaken be.
Eve: (Aside.) Her beauty ist bountiful, if thou like'eth that sort of thing.
Sir James: (Aside.) 'Tis true she be'eth no maid of Essex on a hen party, but she'll do.
Damsel Severine: And I am the Damsel Severine. Mayhap a business question I can ask thee, Sir James?
Sir James: On ye question that doth depend.
Damsel Severine: Mine question doth concern death.
Sir James: And on that subject thou be well-versed, as can be told from thine garments and thine weapon, which thou hast concealed upon thine well-shaped thigh.
Damsel Severine: Thou dost know nothing.
Sir James: When a woman ist afraid, this I do know. I know'est thine tattoo dear maiden, to some would mark you as chattel of one of ye bawdy houses, although to me it clearly say'eth "egg fried rice". And thine three varlets are thine masters, not thine guards.
(Sir James doth struggle with ye three varlets. He bests two, and ye third is eaten by a dragon.)
Sir James: Hmm, perhaps ye Young Wizard should be thanked. One doth never truly know.

Act 4, Scene 1. A villain’s lair.

(Sir James ist to a chair tied.)
Sir Silva: I bid thee greetings, Sir James, welcome to mine island. If thou art hungry, I canst offer thee my grandmother’s recipe for rats in coconut?
Sir James: Mine grandmother an island had; ‘twas surpassing small, naught but an hour’s travel around, though quicker should she whip her servant harder.
Sir Silva: Thine lady hath sent thee after me in full ken that thou art not fit, most lacking in valour was she.
Sir James: But ne’er did she to a chair tie me.
Sir Silva: That ist most sad. (Sir Silva undoes Sir James’s bodice and doth touch his body.) Thou art trying to remember thine training, Sir James? For each there is a first time.
Sir James: Thou doth think this mine first time ist?
Sir Silva: Mayhap I should show for thee mine lap dance?
Sir James: Mayhap Number 24 should do the same. Though intrigued am I by the colour of thine hair.
Sir Silva: 'Tis just a pigment of your imagination.
Sir James: Achoo!
Sir Silva: Thine sneeze must be killing thee.
Sir James: I was born with this unlucky sneeze, and what is worse I came into the world ye wrong way round.
Sir Silva: Thine loyalty to that olde woman ist most touching, even though she hath betrayed thee, as she did betray me lo those many years ago. In days of yore I wast her fav’rite, and thou art not nearly what I was. Behold thee, held together merely by thine potions and thine strong beverages.
Sir James: Forget not mine pathetic love of state.
Sir Silva: Come, Sir James, let us make sport!

Act 4, Scene 2. A ruined courtyard.

(Sir Silva with his yeomen places a glass on Damsel Severine’s head.)
Sir Silva: Ladybird, thine lov'rs art here. Nay, nay, nay, nay, stand'eth up straight, keep'eth still, and whate'er thee lose'eth, lose'eth not thine head..... lose'eth not thine head. ‘Tis time to redeem thy marksmanship, Sir James, who can be’est first to knock the glass from her head? And for sport, I will allow'eth thee first. ... let us see who ends up on top!
(Sir James allow'eth Sir Silva to think him injured, and doth miss with his arrow. Sir Silva stiffens the sinew, his flight is true and Damsel Severine falls.)
Sir James: Behold what thee wouldst win!
(Sir James doth easily dispatch all the yeomen apace and captures Sir Silva.)
Sir Silva: And what art thee going to do anon? Shalt thee take me back to her, all on thine own?
Sir James: Who ist doth say I am alone?
(Naught Naught Seven produces a small bell, and doth tinkle it once. Winged chariots doth miraculously appear.)
Sir James: ‘Tis the latest from ye Young Wizard!

Act 5, Scene 1. A dungeon. Sir Silva ist in chains. Enter Dame Miles, attended by a black cat, William of Tanner and Sir James Bond.

Sir Silva: In truth, thou hast grown smaller since last I did see thee.
Dame Miles: Sir Silva, I-
Sir Silva: ‘Tis not my name- you know my name! You know my name!
Dame Miles: Chris Cornell, mayhap? Thou art a knave and a traitor, and thou shalt be sentenced by a high court and suffer lawful penalty for thine crimes.
Sir Silva: Thee should do some soul searching- mayhap thee will find one.
(Exeunt Dame Miles and her attendants.)
Sir Silva: So....?
(He reaches into his mouth and produces a small bell from his jaw, then tinkles it once.)

Act 5, Scene 2. An inquisition.

Minister Sinister: Dame Miles, thou art accused of failure on two counts: failure by thought, failure by deed, and failure by word... Three counts: Failure by thought, failure by deed, failure by word, and failure by action... Four counts: Failure by-
Dame Miles: But I didn’t expect-
Minister Sinister: Silence! NO-ONE expects the-
Sir Gareth: Minister, I prithee, mayhap the witness may speak a word for sake of variety?
Dame Miles: I thank thee, Sir Gareth. Mine late husband did enjoy poetry, and I wouldst quote from a favourite poem which did bring him comfort upon times of adversity:

“There was a young lass from Nantucket
“Whose clothes ended up in a bucket
"When...

(Enter Sir Silva and his yeomen.)
Sir Silva: Now, thou art at my mercy!
(Sir Gareth doth struggle with Sir Silva. Enter Sir James, who doth take Dame Miles out through a doorway.)

Act 5, Scene 3. A familiar carriage.

Sir James: With me shalt thou travel in this carriage, mine liege, far away from all civilisation, far from all communication, to a land where the rain doth become snow, much strong beverage ist drunk, and the food ist downright calamitous.
Dame Miles: A wild guess let me take- Scotland?
Sir James: In one thou hast got it.
Dame Miles: Lo, in ye road, yon man with green trainers. Take care, Naught Naught Seven!
Sir James: That I will, mine liege.... one moment... (Thump.) Got him!
Dame Miles: Thine carriage doth lack comfort. This chair appears as if it were loaded with springs.
Sir James: Is it thine intent to grumble throughout? Wouldst thou like to learn more about yon chair upon which ye sit?
Dame Miles: I shouldst care not, Naught Naught Seven.
(Begins tearing bread into small pieces and throwing them onto ye road.)
Sir James: I prithee, wherefore dost thou do such?
Dame Miles: 'Twas an idea of the Young Wizard...

Act 5, Scene 4. An olde house.

Dame Miles: This be thine ancestral home, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou doth know mine entire story.
(Enter Kincade, an elderly Scotsman.)
Kincade: Sir James, most pleased am I at your return.
Sir James: And most pleased am I that thou art not being played by Sir Sean Connery, lest I be wiped off the screen by sheer charisma. Kincade, thou must greet mine liege, Dame Miles.
Kincade: Most pleased I am, Delilah.
(Sir James taps his ear at Dame Miles, in the “little bit deaf” gesture.)
Dame Miles: Greetings, Yeoman Kincade.
Kincade: Wouldst thou dine with me forthwith?
Dame Miles: Ah, I do see where Sir James hast learnt this from.
Sir James: Alas, Kincade, some varlets doth travel here to slay us and ‘tis my intent that we should slay them.
Kincade: Then get started we must without delay.
Sir James: Nay, stout yeoman, ‘tis not your fight.
Kincade: Thou shouldst try and prevent mine aid, thou jumped-up little-
Dame Miles: Cry hold, we will accept thine aid most gratefully.
Sir James: Let us to the armoury make haste.
Kincade: Alas, Sir James, there thee will find naught but thine father’s old claymore. All the rest of the weapons were bought by one from across the sea, with an orange face and most strange hair, to make his homeland safe again... he doth say. Also he did buy an exceeding large amount of bricks and mortar, sufficient to make a huge wall.
Sir James: Then we will fight with only what we have, or can make.
Kincade: Come, I shalt show thee.
(Kincade displays what ist for use.)
Sir James: A knife, a claymore, two ski poles, a bowl of haggis, a feather duster, a set of bagpipes... I've got a bad feeling about this.
Kincade: One scene thou did, and suddenly thou ist Luke Skywalker?
Dame Miles: Thou art not in "Star Wars" now, Danny boy.
Kincade: Ahem.. 'tis possible more there may be in yonder cupboard... nay, merely a pair of green training shoes.
Sir James: Alack, what bad taste.

Act 6, Scene 1. Outside ye olde house. Enter Sir Silva and his men.

Sir Silva: Thou must come out, Dame Miles, for it is known that thou art in yonder mansion with Sir James!
(Sir Silva’s men are assailed by vast amounts of broken ski poles, cocoa powder, hairpins, green shoes, bass bagpipes and nailfiles.)
Kincade: Welcome to Scotland! (Pours boiling haggis from a cauldron on two varlets scaling the walls.)
Sir Silva: Attack, but remember: she is mine!
(Kincade slays the remainder of Sir Silva's men with a whisky-fuelled bagpipe flamethrower. Sir James emerges whilst Dame Miles and Kincade escape, stealthily using a bright light.)
Sir James: With me shalt thou do battle, Sir Silva!
(They battle, though Sir James doth fall through broken ice into a loch. Sir Silva makes chase of Dame Miles, who hast been wounded.)
Sir Silva: Now I have thee!
(Sir James, miraculously dry and suffering not from frostbite or hypothermia, slays Sir Silva.)
Sir James: Dame Miles, thou art wounded!
Dame Miles: Truly, this I have fecked up... (Dies.)

Act 6, Scene 2. The throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory.

Eve: Dame Miles hath left thee this stone bulldog to remember her by, Sir James.
Sir James: And thine name I hath not enquired after, sweet maiden?
Moneypenny: Thou shalt know me as Moneypenny, Sir James.
Sir James: This name I shalt remember.
William of Tanner: Sir Gareth bids thee attend, Sir James.
Sir Gareth: So, Naught Naught Seven, much work must be done.
Sir James: ‘Twill be mine pleasure, mine liege. ‘Twill make a change to undertake mine next mission lacking any personal influence.
Sir Gareth: On this, I wouldst not place any bets.

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Barbel, Thunderpussy with help from Number 24 and James Suzuki

Barbel · March 2018

YE SPECTRE

Act 1, Scene 1. A foreign place. Enter Sir James with a comely wench.

Wench: But, Sir James, wherefore must we wear the habit of those who are deceased?
Sir James: ‘Tis the day when the dead are alive, yet the opposite I must make so.
(Enter Signor Sciarra.)
Sir James: Hold, sir!
(They struggle. Signor Sciarra boards a winged chariot, pursued by Sir James. They struggle more. Sir James emerges victorious, clutching Signor Sciarra’s ring.)

Intermission. Maidens dance with a cephalopod. An Englishman sings squeakily.

Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory.

Sir Gareth: In such foreign places thou did have no mission, Naught Naught Seven. An account of thine intent I doth require with no delay.
Sir James: No mission had I, Sire, ‘twas merely my leisure.
Sir Gareth: From thine duty I doth relieve thee, with immediate effect.
(Enter Lord Max Moriarty.)
Lord Max: I prithee, forgive mine interruption.
Sir Gareth: No interruption hast thou caused. Naught Naught Seven, pray greet Lord Max Moriarty to whom high authority hast been granted.
Sir James: Hail to thee, Lord Max, may I address thee as a “C”?
Lord Max: Nay, nay, thou may call me “Max”.
Sir James: Nay, to me thou shalt ever be a C.
Lord Max: Mine door ist always open to mine employees.
Sir James: Really? I know a good joiner who could help with ye hinges.
Sir Gareth: Enough, Naught Naught Seven, leave us now.

Act 2, Scene 2. In an exterior courtyard Maid Moneypenny, a most beautiful English maiden, approaches Sir James.

Moneypenny: Good Knight, the Queen's guards hath given up this treasure chest from thy former castle.
Sir James: Bring'eth it anon to mine own new castle, at evensong.
(Later, at ye abode of Sir James.)
Moneypenny: Hast thou but recently acquired these new lodgings?
Sir James: Nay!
(Maid Moneypenny looks around in bemusement at ye bare walls and scant furniture.)
Moneypenny: All the yeomen of Her Majesty do converse that thou art vanquished.
Sir James: And what doth thee bethink ?
Moneypenny: I bethinks thou art just at the start of a new quest!
Sir James: Mayhap thou art correct.
Moneypenny: Hast thou been drinking again, Sir James?
Sir James: One day I shalt solve mine problems with maturity- today, though, it shalt be alcohol. Here, have some champagne.
Moneypenny: Do you have Bollingers?
Sir James: Nay, 'tis just the way these trousers hang. Now, look ye here...
(Sir James reveals a new tapestry, from his former most noble lady. Togeth'r those gathered hear'eth her voice.)
Dame Miles: Sir James, my most valiant knight. I do wish thee to end'eth the earthly toil of a most vile knave called Sciarra, and miss'eth ye not the blaggard’s burial.
(Later by torchlight Sir James opens the treasure chest from his family castle, and muses on its contents.)

Act 2, Scene 3. The Young Wizard’s lair.

Young Wizard: ‘Tis most pleasant to see thee, Naught Naught Seven, most pleasant. Behold this magnificent steed, fashioned by the DB5th Earl of Aston and the Viscount Martin. For thee it was intended, but alas, Sir Gareth hath decreed it for Naught Naught Nine.

William of Tanner: Sir Gareth hath also decreed that in thine crystal ball thou shalt know the whereabouts of Naught Naught Seven at all times, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Most surely it shall be done, but alack this cannot be till the rooster has crowed one time.
(Sir James doth look exceedingly unhappy.)
Young Wizard:....two times.
(Sir James smiles.)
Young Wizard: A boon I have for thee, Naught Naught Seven, behold this enchanted timepiece!
Sir James: Pray tell, Young Wizard, in what manner be it enchanted?
Young Wizard: Exceeding loud be its chiming...

Act 3, Scene 1. A funeral.

Sir James: Widow Sciarra, with thee I must have words.
Widow Sciarra: And what ist thy name, sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Widow Sciarra: Canst thou not see that I grieve?
Sir James: Nay, though thine immense hotness be readily apparent.
Widow Sciarra: Mine husband ist dead, be thou his slayer?
Sir James: Yea, it is so. Thou shalt dine with me forthwith, and impart unto me thine husband’s business.
Widow Sciarra: Nay, to thee I shalt tell nothing. Thou hast mine husband slain, and me in danger’s path hast thou placed, yet thou seekest mine help. Wherefore should I tell thee?
(Sir James kisses ye Widow.)
Widow Sciarra: Okay, fair enough, I will tell thee...

Act 3, Scene 2. Exterior of Italian castle. Sir James alights from his silver steed and approaches a doorway.

Italian Guard: Unfold yourself, asshole, who is't art thee?
Sir James: Mickey Mouse am I, who is't art thee?
(Sir James displays ye ring of Sciarra and enters as a gathering begins. A female apothecary is speaking....)
Apothecary: In matters of business I must report great success, to all our endeavours has been granted profit. Our production of 5000 fake little fingers of the Lord to be sold to ye sick and infirm as a unique holy relic has met with great success.
(Enter the Comte de Blofeld, with attendants. All fall silent.)
Comte: I prithee, do continue.
Apothecary: ...though the loss of Signor Sciarra must be addressed by us forthwith, his mission with regard to Ye Pale King must be continued.
Comte: I do seek one who would such a trust undertake.
Doomed Man: Henceforth I shall be thine choice, for none better can be found.
Comte: In this room are there those who would object?
(Enter ye large and scary Yeoman Hinx.)
Doomed Man: Oh, shi.... (He ist slain by Yeoman Hinx.)
Comte: Yeoman Hinx, thou shalt carry on the mission of Signor Sciarra regarding Ye Pale King. But hold, we doth have a visitor this day. Hello, Sir James- cuckoo!
(Sir James looks around in confusion, as do the audience.)
Italian Guard: I bear greetings, Topolino.
(Sir James slays the guard and exits, pursued by Yeoman Hinx.)

Act 3, Scene 3. Sir James is atop ye trusty silver steed assigned to Naught Naught Nine, pursued by Yeoman Hinx.

Sir James: Maid Moneypenny, wherefore art thou?
Moneypenny: I am here, Sir James, awaiting your pleasure.
Sir James: Maid Moneypenny, forsooth, it seems events of late in the Frankish Empire, the Arab-Berbers, the Aztecs, are all connected by one brethren. Hast thou knowledge of this?
(From off a varlet sounds, asking Maid Moneypenny with whom she discourses so late.)
Moneypenny: (To ye varlet.) 'Tis my Lord, whose purse has been swiped, now prithee go back to sleep, perchance to dream. Ahem.
Sir James: Maid Moneypenny, who ist ye varlet who seeks to occupy thy chamber?
Moneypenny: (Blushing.) None of thine beeswax, Sir James. Of this brethren, take this knowledge: 'tis Ye Pale King thou seekest, of late in Altausee near the Frankish border.
Sir James: Fair Moneypenny, pray tell, hast thou knowledge of another, Graf Francis of Uber-Castle? Before and after his passing from this mortal coil?
Moneypenny: Sir James, hast thou been knocking back ye mead again? Whilst thou are atop thine trusty steed? Hmmm...
(Sir James spurs on his steed, away from Yeoman Hinx but into ye path of a humble peasant atop a small donkey. With one snort, Sir James's steed gallops ahead and noses ye donkey into a trough, to the peasant's chagrin. Sir James, whose steed hast been fed much green vegetables and broth by ye Young Wizard, pauses to light the mighty steed's flatulent emission into the oncoming path of Yeoman Hinx. But alas, the steed is overcome, and tosses Sir James like buckaroo before plunging into ye river. Yeoman Hinx retires).

Act 3, Scene 4. The lair of Ye Pale King.

Pale King: Though e'er I have known that death would wear a familiar face, truly ne'er did I think 'twould be thine.
Sir James: Talk we must, Pale King, for thine title did arise at a meeting I recently did attend.
Pale King: Most flattering it is that thine masters in Albion still do refer to me.
Sir James: ‘Twas not in Albion, but in Rome. Behold ye this ring.
Pale King: Thou art but a kite adrift in a hurricane, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou must tell me where I canst find thine leader.
Pale King: Everywhere he ist! He doth drink mead with thine friends, he doth sup with thine family, he ist in bed with thine lover!
Sir James: Protect thee from him I shalt.
Pale King: Nay, thou must protect mine daughter- she is in a place of medicine, high atop a mountain. Farewell, Sir James! (Dies at his own hand.)

Act 4, Scene 1. A place of medicine, high atop a mountain.

Maid Madeleine: These draperies I shalt close, lest ye find the view distracting.
Sir James: This I had not noticed.
Maid Madeleine: Thou hast not thine scroll completed, Sir James, forsooth I must ask thee some questions. Dost thee exercise?
Sir James: When it has to be done, this I doth do. Pushing fifty ist exercise enough. Whenever I feel like doing exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Maid Madeleine: And doth thine duty bring thee stress?
Sir James: It has been known to.
Maid Madeleine: Doth thee partake of strong beverages?
Sir James: Alack, too often this doth occur. I used to drink Heineken, now I am older Budweiser.
Maid Madeleine: And thou hast not enscribed here thine occupation.
Sir James: Well, once I did apply for a job as a mime but was unsuccesful. Must have been something I said.
Maid Madeleine: Thine occupation, Sir James?
Sir James: Enscribed, ‘tis not a pleasant thing.
Maid Madeleine: Tell me, though. Confession ist good for thine soul.
Sir James: Confession may be good for ye soul, but bad for mine career.
Maid Madeleine: 'Tis better to tell.
Sir James: I doth bring death.
Maid Madeleine: What! From my father thou hast been sent!
Sir James: Nay, sweet maid, alas thine father ist dead.
Maid Madeleine: Leave me at once, I wish no part of this.

Later, in ye bar.
Steward: Good day, sir, may I help thee?
Sir James: Aye, I willst have a table for one and drinks for two.
(Enter a distraught man clad in a knitted sweater and cap.)
Distraught Man: Verily, we are all in the wrong country! A calamitous error has been done! (Exits)
Sir James: I prithee, who ist that?
Steward: I ken not, but he hath done that three and twenty times already today. Mayhap thou wouldst care for a beverage, good sir?
Sir James: Most verily. Bring me mead, let it be shaken and not stirred.
Steward: Forgive me, for here strong beverages are not served.
Sir James: For this place I now carry great affection....
Young Wizard: Steward, bring Sir James a health-giving flavoured milk.
Sir James: Nay, steward, throw such a drink into the privy.
Young Wizard: Thou must return with me, Naught Naught Seven, for I am in service of Sir Gareth and must give sustenance to my two cats.
Sir James: Nay, Young Wizard, you must take this ring and uncover its secrets with thine enchantments.
Young Wizard: Very well, I shalt throw it in a fire and see if any writing doth appear on it.
Sir James: Be careful, that may be hobbit forming.

Act 5, Scene 1. A boarding house in a foreign place.

Sir James: So, this be The Atlantian Inn?
Maid Madeleine: Aye, 'tis where my father first took my mother to bed after their wedding. I prithee, Sir James, let no similar ideas cross thine mind lest I slay thee.
Sir James: Let the thought perish! Thou must sleep, while I do partake of this convenient bottle of wine which I hath found...
(Six bottles of wine later, a mouse doth run across the floor. Sir James rather unsteadily threatens ye mouse with his sword.)
Sir James: Who doth thee worketh for?
Mouse: Mine mistress, for the lady doth wear ye trousers in the family.
Sir James: The mouse talks!
Mouse: 'Tis apparent that mice do talk, for did not my cousin Mickey speak in Rome?
Sir James: Guide me to ye Comte de Blofeld’s castle!
Mouse: Only for a sip of thine hearty wine, valorous sire.
Sir James: With this I hath no problem.
(Sir James pours some wine for ye mouse.)
Mouse: (Sips.) Ah, Chateau de Chateau! Luxury!
Sir James: Awake, Maid Madeleine- we have a journey to make.

Act 6 Scene 1. A carriage ride in the country.

Maid Madeleine: Thou should not stare at mine garment.
Sir James: Thee shouldn't behold like that! And concluded, be it I wast admiring the water lilies outside the quite quaint carriage... (Awkward pause.)
Sir James: Wilt thee drink'eth the devil's drink, mine lady?
Maid Madeleine: If't be true then I doth find'eth myself in error.
Sir James: We must has't that! Er.. I mean, must not has't that.
Maid Madeleine: I wilt has't Soiled Mead.
Sir James: Soiled Mead! (Aside.) The maiden is a white lamb desiring to be’est tupped. I shalt has't to attend to yon beast with two backs!
Maid Madeleine: Wherefore didst thee become'eth a knight?
Sir James: A knight hath a paid check, ye latest trustworthy steed and he kill'eth men without arriving in a dungeon!
(Ye carriage slows, and Yeoman Hinx enters.)
Sir James: Is this the large Yeoman Hinx I see before me?
(They tussle, Sir James and Maid Madeleine both throw Yeoman Hinx off the carriage, which runs over Hinx.)
Yeoman Hinx: Fornication under Consent of the King!
(Carriage reverses and runs over Yeoman Hinx again. ‘Tis possible he be deceased... you know, like Jaws.)
Maid Madeleine: What doth we do'eth now, Sir James?
Sir James: Come'eth, allow'eth us giveth in to earthly desires, while listening to young squire Sam Smith serenade us with his fiddle.

Act 6, Scene 3. A villain’s lair.

Comte: Welcome to mine easily-inflammable base. Wherefore hast thou come here, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: To slay thee ist mine intent.
Comte: Nay, thou hast come here to die!
Sir James: ‘Tis merely a matter of perspective, Graf Francis... or is it Beech? A little confused am I.
Comte: Well, this we would not want. I am the Comte de Blofeld, and I doth be thine brother, Mr Powers, er, I mean Sir James. Now let me strap you to this easily-escapable torture chair.
(Enter Scott de Blofeld, accompanied by Higgins and Asp9mm.)

Scott: Wherefore dost thou not merely slay him, father?
Comte: Nay, Scott, this thou just doth not get.
Scott: In my chambers have I a good sharp sword, pray permit me to...
Comte: Ssh!
Scott: But...
Comte: Sshh! Here have I a big bag of sshh!
(Exit Scott de Blofeld, grumbling.)
Comte: Now, Sir James, I shall subject you to a most painful torture.
Maid Madeleine: Nay! Let it not be so!
Sir James: Worry ye not, fair maiden, take my enchanted timepiece and all will be well.
(She does, and all is well with remarkable ease. 8-) )

Act 6, Scene 4. The throne room of Lord Max Moriarty.

(Lord Max enters to find Sir Gareth and the Young Wizard awaiting.)
Lord Max: In faith, 'tis my belief that thou art trespassing here!
Sir Gareth: Nay, Lord Max, I but question your taste in friends and am putting an end to thine evil schemes.
Lord Max: For this thou art responsible?
Sir Gareth: Nay, but mine Young Wizard is.
Lord Max: For this thou shalt die!
(Lord Max draws his sword but finds the end has been blunted.)
Sir Gareth: Marry, 'tis now we know what "C" stands for:

CUCKOO!!!

(They doth struggle, and Lord Max falls from a great height.)
Young Wizard: Be he dead, Sire?
Sir Gareth: 'Tis to be hoped, although I believe Sir Sherlock hath slain him several times and he doth keep returning.

Act 6, Scene 5. Ye ruins of Vauxhall Castle, the walls bearing likenesses of Lady Lynd, Le Lecter, Dame Miles, and others.... though not ye Green Lord.

Comte: Again we meet, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou dost bear a scar, Comte, 'tis my hope it doth not hurt thee too much.
Comte: Nay, though the acquisition of it did not bring me pleasure, or indeed pleasence.
Sir James: In this castle I knowest thou hath hidden the fair Madeleine.
Comte: Yea, and thine task it shall be to find her ere this castle shall be laid waste to.
(It is night, and the Comte de Blofeld harangues Sir James.)
Comte: 'Ere the rooster crows thrice, Lady Madeleine shall be reduced to naught. There is Greek fire placed in all nooks and crannies in this castle, hence it will go up in flames faster than a Greek royal treasure chest. So shalt thou save thyself and live with the pain, or attempt to save ye fair lady and fail in thine task? Heheh.
Sir James: Vile Comte, not Sir, - alas (nor Savalas) thou be! Grr.
Comte: Thou do speak truly Sir James, and to thine task I commend you like a brother who knows thy secret switches...
(Exit the Comte stage left, as the rooster begins its first crow. Sir James withdraws his sword and races through the castle, until he spies ye fair maiden astride her throne.)
Sir James: Lady Madeleine! (He plucks her from ye throne and, running, espies the absence of a central spiral staircase through which he plots his escape.)
Sir James: Fair lady, dost thou trust me?
Lady Madeleine: Do I have a choice?
Sir James: Hmm, the very words the Lady Camille spoke to me when I as't her show me ye Green Lord's Tierra Project... And look how that worked out... Jump!

Act 6, Scene 6. The River Thames.

(Sir James and Maid Madeleine doth pursue the Comte de Blofeld in boats.)
Comte: Thou shalt not surpass mine vessel, Sir James!
Sir James: So sure art thou, Comte de Blofeld...?
Maid Madeleine: His ship is out of reach of thine sword, Sir James, our pursuit ist doomed to fail.
Sir James: Nay, sweet maid, give unto me thine nailfile.
(Sir James aims carefully and with an accuracy which doth astound certain members he strike'eth the most vulnerable spot on the Comte's vessel, forcing him onto land at Tower Bridge.)
Sir James: Now I have thee!
Comte: Then let it be finished now. Slay me, Sir James!
(Sir James looks around to spy Maid Madeleine at one end of ye bridge, and Sir Gareth at ye other. Both beckon and await.)
Sir James: Nay, Comte, thou shalt.... die another day.
Comte: (Groans.) Nay, for Madonna I cannot bear.
Sir James: Marry, even worse it could be- thou shalt have to find... another way to die!
Comte: Oh please, nay, not that one... I prithee, slay me!

(Sir James walks to Maid Madeleine, and the two doth enter his silver carriage, miraculously repaired by the Young Wizard. They ride off.)

Sir James Bond shalt return... eventually

The work of (in alphabetical order)
Barbel, Charmed & Dangerous, James Suzuki, Number 24, and Thunderpussy.

Barbel · March 2018

NAY, TIME TO DIE! Work In Progress
Anonymous Contributor, Barbel, caractacus potts, Gymkata, Westward_Drift

Act 1, Scene 1
(Curtain opens on a snow covered landscape, a lone figure hobbles towards a small homestead dressed as a snowman.
Inside yon hovel, a lady lays on a couch as a young girl plays in the kitchen while a bird faints in its cage.)
Mother: Quickly Madeleine, my bowels do heave with great irritation. I doth need my medicine most quickly!
(Madeline turns to ye audience with a clothes peg on her nose as an escaping gas sound can be heard.)
Madeleine: Yes Mama, doth thee need thine white medicine or the red medicine? And where is Papa?
Mother: Do you know’eth what thine father does?
Madeleine: He be’eth a Physician, Nay?
Mother: (Aside.) That be’eth the first tale..... (Aloud.) He doth kill people.
Madeleine: He doth work for Dignitas? Look Mama, a snowman is calling.
Mother: Describe him to me, I cannot see through these heavy red curtains.
Madeleine: He hath a snow arms, snow feet and...
Mother: Snowballs! (She rolls two across the table.)
Madeleine: I cannot see, but he hath a snowman mask and a carrot for a nose.
Mother: Quickly- hide in Papa's secret room.
Madeleine: Oh Mama, ‘tis not a secret room but A Man Cave- he doth keep his Gentleman's Special Interest Parchments, his chess set, and that signed portrait of Franz Oberhauser asking him to help on that Information Business idea.
(She runs but too late- the Snowman is in the room.)
Snowman: Where ist thine husband m'lady, and what be’eth that foul smell?
Mother: Alack, my bowel is full of demons fighting to escape, sometimes I cannot hold them back.
(Madeleine scurries to under the sink to retrieve a small hidden dagger, she rushes forward to attack but falls sending the blade into the dying embers of the fireplace sending up sparks, just as Mama releases a horde of smelling bottom demons, causing a huge explosion!)

(Outside two locals take in the scene, as the snowman flies up and over........ )
First Local: "He's flying very high #"
(Madeleine flies in the opposite direction with one of the red curtains around her.)
Second Local: Is that a bird or a plane?
First Local: Nay, tis young Madeleine.
Second Local: Nay, ‘tis Superman!

(There is a curtain covering most of the Globe stage, acting as a painted backdrop. There is only a narrow bit of floorboard available in front of painted backdrop. Backdrop image depicts a frozen lake, with snow covered hills in the distance. At the edge of ye frozen lake is painted a house with its lights on, address Number 22 Frozen Lake Lane. Further in the distance is a second house, Number 24 Frozen Lake Lane. Lights are all off in that house, next door neighbour is sleeping right through the first Act!)
(Madeleine emerges stage left, none the worse for her unscheduled flight. She is struggling to drag a heavy object by its shoes. As she continues to struggle, gasping and pausing frequently to regain her grip, we now see ye object is a corpse, leaving a trail of blood on the floorboards. As Madeleine reaches centre stage, she drops ye corpses legs, catches breath, and turns to ye audience.)
Madeleine: Mama! Just killed a man! Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, Now he's dead. (Ye child’s voice rises in pitch and volume.) Mama, life had just begun, But now I've gone and thrown it all awaayyaayyy….
(As Madeleine hits ye high note and holds it on ye second syllable of "away", ye "corpse" stirs, struggling to lean on his right elbow while lying on his back, and raises his left arm to project the actor's impressive voice.)
Safin: So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye!!?? (Ye child stares dumbstruck.) So you think you can love me and leave me to die?!!? (Madeleine shakes her head.) Oh, baby!! Can't do this to me, baby!!!! Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here!!!!
(Madeleine turns to ye audience looking like McCauley Culkin in ye Home Alone poster, and emits an earsplitting never ending scream.)

Act 1, Scene 2

(Ye forestage fades to black, leaving the child and corpse in silhouette, They exit stage discreetly as a painted backdrop curtain rises. Full lights come on revealing mainstage: a hotel room in Matera. Adult Madeleine is in bed at stage left, snoring loudly.)
Madeleine: zzzzzz..... zzzzzz..... zzzzzzz..... zzzzzzz.....
(Sir James Bond sits centre stage, enjoying a beverage, holding a printed broadsheet headlined "Ye Adventures of Bulldog Drummonde" His eyes squint and lips move, as literacy was less common in Elizabethan times.
Suddenly Madeleine sits up in bed and screams, just as ye child did. Sir James jumps in his chair, drops broadsheet and beverage and spits out what he's been drinking, and after a second turns to Madeleine.)
Sir James: What the hell? I was pretending to read and you just...
Madeleine: I didst have a nightmare!
Sir James: A nightmare? A nightmare! Canst thee not have one more quietly? (Madeleine gives him such a look.) ...Er, that is, what I meanst to say dearest, was, er, was... what was this nightmare about? Pray, tell me!
(Madeleine opens mouth, then pauses, moving finger to lips, facing audience thinking.)
Madeleine: Nay I cannot tell, not even to thee!
Sir James: (Angered and suspicious, rising from chair.) Whatst’s all this? Thou dost have a secret! I knew it all along! (Turns to audience.) Didst I not tell thee all she hast a secret!!
Madeleine: Oh no I dost not!
Sir James: Oh yes thou dost!
Audience: Oh no she dost not!
Sir James: (To audience, shaking fist.) Oh yes she dost!
One lone voice from back row: You idiot! Canst thou not see she is with Childe?
Rest of Audience: Aye! That ist right! We've all figured it out!
(Madeleine nods to audience, while Sir James waves his hand dismissively and turns back from ye audience.)
Sir James: Bah, thou all art crazy!

Act 2, Scene 1

(An alchemist’s chamber. Ye table ist littered with Alembics, Aludels, Crucibles, Mortar and Pessels, and other such typical Alchemical gear, and right in the middle of the clutter sits a plate full of nice breads and cheeses (and whatever else Elizabethans ate for lunch). Two alchemists approach giggling, and with tongs carefully place a giant mutant flea in the middle of the bread, then retreat.)
1st Alchemist: This shall teach him for being the most annoying of all alchemists.
2nd Alchemist: Indeed, with luck he shall exit the plot very early and we shall be the only alchemists with any lines for the remainder of the play.
(Behind them are shelves full of squealing rats in cages, and glass vessels crawling with fleas are piled on the tables before them. They both wear Plague Doctors' masks.)

1st Alchemist: Here he comes now!
(An annoying little alchemist enters, also wearing a Plague Doctor’s mask. He hears his fellow alchemists giggling, shoots them a glance, then lifts his Mask ensuring he is two metres from fellow Alchemists. He picks up his loaf of bread to eat, then pauses noticing the giant mutant flea crawling round, just inches from his open mouth.)
Annoying Little Alchemist: Oh, you guys!
(He opens a window to throw the entire plate of food into the street. Outside is a vast pyramid of rotting food, human waste and bits of human and animal corpses, with steam rising and vast swarms of flies buzzing over it, which the passersby must walk around or get their shoes dirty, as is typical in the streets of Elizabethan times. The Alchemist's lunch lands on top with a “splat!”, momentarily disturbing the flies. Our giant mutant flea then crawls off the bread into the pile of waste and immediately finds a rat to infect. Said rat in turn runs into the street to bite the ankle of the next passer-by.)
Passer-by: Ouch! Damnable vermin!
(He plunges a sword through the critter. We now see that he is dressed oddly, in a Plague Doctor's mask and is accompanied by a large group of men similarly attired and all waving swords about. Other passers-by have to step in the waste heap to avoid the swords.)
Men: To Evil! Yea, verily, to Evil!
!st Evildoer: Oh, could this be ye address we do seek? (He reads ye sign slowly, literacy being uncommon in those times.) “Ye… Olde… Al Capo…
2nd Evildoer: (Suddenly afraid.) Al Capone? Hey Al, Al, don’t hold it against me!
1st Evildoer: Nay, stop that! “Al Coho… Alkali… Alchemist’s Shoppe?” Aye, it says “Alchemist’s Shoppe”! This is it, fellow evildoers, let us now enter!
(They kick down ye door and enter with much noise, slaying indiscriminately- but for ye Most Annoying of all Alchemists who they allow to live, and indeed take away with them.They lead ye Annoying Little Alchemist towards the right, but he pauses.)
Alchemist: Tarry! I almost forgot ye most important item!
1st Evildoer: What now? We have deadlines in this business.
(Ye Annoying Little Alchemist climbs on a stool to reach a rat-cage on ye top shelf. Ye rat must be a Norwegian Blue Rat, for he is kipping on his back. With tongs, ye Alchemist retrieves one particularly nasty looking flea from the dead rats fur and adds it to a glass vessel. This glass vessel is nearly full already with hopping crawling nasty looking fleas. Before he places ye glass vessel in his pocket, he holds it at such an angle that those audience members with opera glasses can read the text on ye label: Top Secret Evil Nano-Flea projeckt. Client: SPECTRE (Crossed out.) Mallory (Also crossed out.) and finally Safin.)
Annoying Little Alchemist: Now I am ready, let us depart.

MISSING BIT!!!!

(Ye local tavern. Lord Felix is sitting, nursing his drink, with a man with an unnerving smile as Sir James walks in.)

Lord Felix: Ah, Sir James. I have been expecting thee. What would you like to drink?

Sir James: Mead- let it not be stirred, but rather let it be shaken.

Lord Felix: But of course. (He places an order.) Let me introduce you to mine associate, Logan of Ash.

Logan: Most pleased am I to meet thee. Of thee I have heard a great deal.

Sir James: Nothing bad, I do hope.

Lord Felix: To business. An alchemist, Obruchev by name, has been abducted from London. We have been tasked with finding this man.

(Sir James’ eye is momentarily distracted by a tall, elegant woman passing by.)

Sir James: Thine pardon, what did you say?

Lord Felix: Careful now, Sir James.

Sir James: Old habits die hard. Nay, mine friend, I shalt not be joining thee.

(He gets up.)

Lord Felix: I shalt be waiting here for when thine mind doth change.

(Sir James walks to the street, where the lady is waiting in a carriage.)

Elegant Lady: Care for a ride?

Sir James: Why, we have only just met!

Elegant lady: In thine dreams. Pray, enter my carriage.

(They set off.)

Sir James: Thou may know me as Bond, James Bond.

Elegant Lady: Nomi.

Sir James: I know thee not- as I said, we have only just met.

Elegant Lady: Nay, mine name ist Nomi. From Sir Gareth have I been sent, to seek thine aid

in finding an alchemist who hast been-

Sir James: - abducted from London. Aye, of this I have heard tell. I prithee, pass mine

greetings to Sir Gareth and remind him that I have retired.

Nomi: Of this he is well aware. Indeed, thou willst remember thine number, Naught Naught

Seven?

Sir James: But of course.

Nomi: That is my number now. I am Naught Naught Seven.

Sir James: ‘Tis a dirty job, but someone hath to do it. Nomi, I shalt not join thee in thine quest. I prithee, stop thine carriage.

(A puzzled Nomi stops ye carriage, and Sir James alights.)

Sir James: I thank ye for the ride. I can walk from here.

Nomi: If thou says so. But I have ye feeling we shalt be meeting again.

(Nomi drives off. Once she ist out of sight, Sir James begins walking back to ye tavern where Lord Felix awaits.)

Barbel · May 2018

NE'ER SAY DEJA VU AGAIN

Act 1, Scene 1. (A thin and feminine voice is heard as Sir Justin of Bieber sings his ballad "Ne'er say ne'er" while Sir James prowls through a jungle. He slays a guard, then swings from a rope into a room where a maiden lies bound upon a bed, guarded by two varlets. They are speedily slain by Sir James; he then begins to untie the maiden who promptly stabs him with a knife....)

Act 1, Scene 2. (The throne room of Sir Edward Jackal.)

Sir Edward: Thee should have studied the scrolls more faithfully, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ‘Tis ne’er the same in training, mine liege, for mine edge ist sharper in the field.
Sir Edward: Thine “edge” ist blunted by thine age, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Hmph! I am still younger than certain others I could mention.
Sir Edward: I prithee, no Moore of that.
Sir James: Thou hast had me but as a teacher of late, to young knights! Many had died before my training, slain too young.
Sir Edward: Agreed, there hath been too many late knights. The apothecaries say thine “edge” ist suffering from too much mead and tobacco.
Not William of Tanner: And the eating of white bread.
Sir James: Then in French bloomers I shalt take an interest.
Sir Edward: More than thine usual interest? Nothing French ist in order for thee lest it inflame thine health. A more abstemious regime awaits thee.
Sir James: Nay, you do not mean Shrubla-
Sir Edward: Ssh, dost thou want to get sued? To Bushgardens thou must go!
(Sir James groans....)
Moneypenny: To where are you going hence, Sir James?
Bond: I have been sent to stop French inflammations.
Moneypenny: Do be careful, Sir James!

Act 1, Scene 3. (Sir James guides his ancient carriage up to a magnificent mansion, with a sign reading "Bushgardens Health Clinic" hastily painted- the word "Shrublands" can faintly be seen underneath. He ist greeted by a steward.)

Steward: A beautiful carriage, good sir, they do not make them like this anymore.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis true, but 'tis still in pretty good shape.
Steward: I shalt park it for thee round ye back.
Sir James: Watch out for that man with green train- (Thump.) Never mind.
(Sir James enters ye building where he is examined by an apothecary.)
Apothecary Wain: Hmm, thine body hast seen better days, methinks.
Sir James: Nay, 'tis still in pretty good shape.
Apothecary Wain: Much work is required. How much do you drink?
Sir James: I only drink on days that begin with a "T".
Apothecary: Ah, that ist good. Tuesday and Thursday.
Sir james: Nay, Today and Tomorrow.
Apothecary: That ist too much!
Sir James: I do know my limits- when I fall down, it ist too much.
Apothecary: Thou should say "no" to alcohol.
Sir James: I have tried, but it just does not listen.
Apothecary: Tell me, Sir James, what ist thine customary diet?
Sir James: Oh, I have simple tastes: Beluga caviar, roast beef and potato salad, ham sandwiches with plenty of mustard, Kobe beef, doner kebab, roast grouse, dressed crab, scrambled eggs...
Apothecary Wain: 'Tis no wonder thine liege hast sent thee here! From now on, thou willst eat artichokes and asparagus, beansprouts and beetroots, cabbage and carrots, dandelions and.... (Ye Apothecary continues through the alphabet as Sir James groans..)

Act 1, Scene 4. A secret chamber where many are gathered.

Comte de Blofeld: 'Tis good to have such a meeting again, it has been many years.
Lord Kevin: I did try to be quicker, mine liege, but was forestalled by Lord Cubby at every turn.
Comte de Blofeld: No matter, we are here now.
(Enter Fatima Blush dressed as an ostrich.)
Fatima: Comte Blofeld, may I inquire: I see there is no-one in your lap to stroke. Don't you have a companion?
Comte de Blofeld: I haven't had a pussy for years, I miss it.
(A Saint raises both eyebrows while sitting up in Double O Heaven. :007) )
Comte de Blofeld: Now to discuss our latest plans- Baron Largo, thou art in charge.
Baron Largo: I thank'ee, Comte. 'Tis our plan to purloin a ship laden with barrels of Greek Fire to use as a fire ship. We shalt steer it towards a crowded harbour, tie up the wheel, light the fuse and jump off- unless our ransom ist paid. In our employ ist one Yeoman Jack Petachi, whom our agent Fatima Blush ist keeping hidden in Shrub... er, Bushgardens health clinic.

Act 1, Scene 5. (A corridor. Sir James ist nearly knocked down by Fatima Blush pushing a wheelchair in which sits a man with bandages over his head and hands. Fatima does not stop. A comely wench approaches.)

Patricia: I do apologise, 'twas not one of our staff.
Sir James: No matter, all ist fine. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Patricia: Ah, thou art Sir James. Patricia Fearing am I; thou art to attend mine chambers forthwith...
Sir James: But of course.
Patricia: ... for treatment of thine ills.
Sir James: ...Ah...

Patricia: Then afterwards a glass of Melograno's fermented milk.
Sir James: That all sounds lovely.

Act 1, Scene 6. (Ye chambers of Sir James, at Bushgardens. Sir James ist inspecting a hamper when there ist a knock on ye door. He covers ye hamper and opens ye door to find Patricia with a tray.)

Sir James: Do come in.
Patricia: Thine reputation precedes thee, Sir James, and I think such a reputation did not come from a diet of dandelions and dill. So, I hast brought thee a cheese sandwich.
(Sir James opens ye hamper to reveal his travelling delicatessen- caviar, grouse, etc.)
Sir James: Fortunately I came prepared...
(Patricia's eyes roll with delight.)
Patricia: Delicious!
Sir James: Would thee like some broccoli?
Patricia: Sssh, ne'er say broccoli again.
Sir James: Oh yes, but of course.
Patricia: They do say that the surest way to a man's heart ist through his stomach.
Sir James: Mayhap, though I find that through the ribcage ist surer.

(Meanwhile, in a chamber not far away, Fatima ist unwrapping ye bandages from the man in the wheelchair.)
Fatima: Now, just sit ye still, Jack, and we shall see...
Jack: Hurry, I prithee, Fatima, for tobacco I doth crave.
Fatima: No tobacco for thee, Jack Petachi, until all this ist over.
(She finishes unwrapping ye bandages.)
Jack: Well? Hast it worked?
Fatima: Oh yes, 'tis wonderful! Thine skin ist bright orange, and thine hair doth look most unnatural.
Jack: And mine hands?
Fatima: One moment... (Unwraps his hands.) Aye, thine hands are now most small.
Jack: These are great hands. These are great, great hands.
Fatima: Hey, thou can do the voice as well!

Act 1, Scene 7. (A harbour. Two guards stand before a ship.)

1st Guard: For what ist this ship laden with barrels of Greek Fire intended, mine friend?
2nd Guard: Who knows?
((Enter Jack Petachi.)
Jack: Greetings, men, I wouldst enter yon ship.
1st Guard: Nay, for none may here enter except ye leader of those across the sea.
Jack: Dost thee not recognise me? The amazing blond hairstyle and orange skin? These plans for a large wall?
2nd Guard: Aye, Mr President!
(Jack enters ye ship.)
1st Guard: Now there ist a surprise, ne’er did I think he wouldst come here himself and... hey, come back with that ship!!!

Act 1, Scene 8. (In a gym.)

Sir James: (Doing press-ups.) One, two, three... (Looks around to make sure no-one ist watching.)... ninety-nine, one hundred! Now, what next...? (A steward approaches.)
Steward: Try these weights, Sir James. I'll look in and see how you're doing in fifteen minutes.
Sir James: (Fighting off deja vu.) ....fine.
(Ye steward departs. Sir James lies down and begins to lift ye weights. Silently, ye door opens and a large man walks up to Sir James.)
Lippe: Hello, Sir James, and farewell!
(He thrusts a weight down on Sir James, who lashes out with his foot and gets free. They struggle, breaking much furniture and equipment, until Sir James manages to thrust Lippe’s head into the waste bucket of the privy, where he ist drowned.)
Sir James: Thou shalt not take the piss out of me!

Act 1, Scene 9. (The throne room of Sir Edward Jackal.)

Sir Edward: Most vexed am I, Naught Naught Seven, great damage to yon clinic thou did cause for which I must pay recompense.
Sir James: Mayhap I should have let ye assassin slay me?
Sir Edward: Not this time, alas, for a mission I do have for thee.
Not William of Tanner: Remember, Naught Naught Seven, there ist no "I" in "team".
Sir James: Nay, but there art four in "Cliche Spouting Idiot".
Sir Edward: Great weapons have been purloined, Naught Naught Seven, ‘tis thine charge their location to ascertain. To the colonies across the sea I shall send thee, to Nassau.
Sir James: Hmm...
Not William of Tanner: Art thou feeling ill, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Nay, I just have this extraordinary feeling that this hast happened before...

Act 1, Scene 9. (Ye Old Wizard's lair. Enter Sir James.)

Sir James: Greetings, Wizard Algernon, I seek Ye Old Wizard.
Algernon: Alack, he hast gone off to India- he did say something about an egg covered with jewels.
Sir James: Sssh- ixnay on-ay at-thay ubject-say.
Algernon: I can spare thee a moment, though I am busier than a one-legged Riverdancer- 'tis ye cutbacks, I fear. 'Tis good to see thee back, Naught Naught Seven, we look forward to more bloodshed and fornication.
Sir James: Aye, most likely.
Algernon: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven- behold this enchanted sundial! 'Twill free thee from any chains in which thou may be held. Take also this stylus and elastic band- 'tis not perfected yet though it may prove useful to thee.
Sir James: And what ist this here?
Algernon: 'Tis for mine sinuses.
Sir James: Sinuses? Thou do jest, Algernon.
Algernon: I ne'er jest about my Vick, Naught Naught Seven.

Act 2, Scene 2. (A drinking place in foreign climes, by a seashore.)

Steward: And what would thou like to drink, good sir?
Sir James: Mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken.
(Enter Fatima Blush, straight from ye ocean wearing half a dolphin and two coconuts. She stumbles into Sir James.)
Fatima: How reckless of me, I've made you all wet.
Sir James: Well hopefully later, I can do the same to you. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Fatima: Thou may know me as Fatima Blush. What brings thee to these parts, Sir James?
Sir James: I'll get to thy parts in good time, but first I hope'eth thee might assist me?
Fatima: Of course, I would love to assist you.
Sir James: And why would that be?
Fatima: I wouldst like thee to find what thou art looking for.
Sir James: Most grateful I am, fair maiden.
Fatima: Alas, I am neither.
Sir James: Lovely outfit, by the way.
Fatima: Oh, this old thing? I am just about finished with it- an offer I have had from a lady called Jones for mine old wardrobe. Dost thee swim, Sir James?
Sir James: 'Tis one of the two things I do like a fish.
Fatima: Then mayhap you would like to go down with me?
Sir James: I can think of nothing better.

Act 2, Scene 3. (Aboard a ship.)

Sir James: A popular area for swimmers, I see.
Fatima: (Wearing a kimono made from rose petals.) We art almost there.
Sir James: A most fast ship thou hast. What does she do? About fifteen knots?
Fatima: Better than that. Near twenty.
Sir James: Hmm...
Fatima: Ist everything in order, Sir James?
Sir James: Oh, I just keep having this extraordinary feeling of deja- Hey, watch out for that swimmer with green flippers! (Splash, crunch.) Ah, too late.
Fatima: Ist he all right?
Sir James: Who can tell? But his sundial doth appear to be waterproof. Now, what was I saying about deja vu...?
Fatima: Methinks we have reached ye spot, Sir James. 'Tis time to prepare for our swim.
Sir James: Most certainly.
(Sir James begins to remove his doublet. Fatima watches with interest.)
Sir James: You said something about going down?
Fatima: Aye, and thou said something about making me all wet...

(A discreet interval later, Sir James and Fatima doth swim under the sea. Fatima swims off, and Sir James ist attacked by mutated sea bass. He manages to escape them and swims up to ye surface.)
Sir James: Frickin' mutated sea bass!

Act 2, Scene 4. (At ye lodgings of Sir James. There ist a knock on ye door.)

Lord Felix: (Warily.) I bid thee greetings, Sir James.
Sir James: Lord Felix! Do come in... but why art thou so wary?
Lord Felix: I wast afraid thou might punch me in mine stomach for no good reason... again.
Sir James: Most pleased am I to see thee- it hast been a long time.
Lord Felix: Aye, 'tis true- I have been doing legal work. I bear news- there are suspicions about a man named Baron Largo, we should investigate him forthwith.
Sir James: Baron Largo? Ist he Italian, with white hair and an eyepatch?
Lord Felix: Nay, he ist blond and Teutonic. Why dost thou ask?
Sir James: No reason...
Lord Felix: His ship ist rogered, I mean moored in ye harbour- and a strange name it hast.
Sir James: Ye Flying Saucer? Disco Volante perhaps?
Lord Felix: Nay, 'tis ye Unidentified Disc. He ist there with his ladyfriend, one Domino.
Sir James: Hmm, ist she foreign?
Lord Felix: Well, her stepmother is an alien.
Sir James: Largo.. Domino...
Lord Felix: Art thou feeling all right, Sir James?
Sir James: Oh, 'tis nothing, I just keep getting this sensation of.... never mind.
(A beauteous maiden enters.)
Lord Felix: Hello!
Sir James: Lord Felix, meet mine assistant, Nicole.
Lord Felix: Not Paula, then?
Sir James: Ah, it's happening to you as well!
Nicole: Thou hast received a package from thine Wizard, Sir James. Behold!
(Nicole indicates a large package, wrapped in brown paper.)
Lord Felix: Ye Old Wizard? But methinks he ist in India, helping Roger Moo-
Sir James: (Most quickly.) Nay, ‘tis from Wizard Algernon. (Aside.) Mention that not, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: Oh, yes, sorry.
Nicole: Shalt we unwrap it?
Sir James: But of course.
(Sir James, Nicole and Lord Felix begin to unwrap ye package.)
Lord Felix: A saddle? A set of reins?
Nicole: And a bag of oats...?
Sir James: Wait, there ist more underneath... (He pulls off the last of ye wrapping paper.)
Lord Felix: A horse! From a Wizard, ‘tis most likely an enchanted steed. Sir James, there ist a note tied to its tail, what does it say?
(Sir James peers at ye note.)
Sir James: It says... “Feed at other end.”
Nicole: And there ist another note, tied to its nose.
Sir James: It says... "See tail for instructions."
Lord Felix: Nay!
Nicole: Nay!
Horse: Neigh!
Sir James: Don't you start...

Act 2, Scene 5. (Outside a health clinic. Ye hastily painted sign reads "Bushlands". A most beauteous wench wearing a blindfold finds her way in, followed shortly by Sir James.)

Stewardess: Can I help thee, good sir?
Sir James: Aye, if thee doth serve men here.
Stewardess: But of course, though some are served more throughly than others. Through that door there, I prithee.
(Sir James wanders around until he spies ye blindfolded wench, lying on a bench covered in a towel.)
Sir James: Thou dost await a massage?
Domino: Aye, 'tis so.
Sir James: Gadzooks, what a deep voice thou hast.
Domino: Yes, I am a bass singer.
(Sir James begins to knead her flesh.)
Sir James: Art thou staying here long?
Domino: Just arrived have I, on a yacht in the harbour- ye Unidentified Disc.
Sir James: Ah, Baron Largo's boat.
Domino: Thou knowest ye Baron?
Sir James: Nay, I merely know of him.
(Sir James begins to need her flesh.)
Sir James: Tell me, I prithee, why ye blindfold?
Domino: I must wear it for 9 1/2 weeks. Mmm, thine massage doth relieve mine tensions.
Sir James: Well, I've had quite a bit of practi....
Domino: Sorry?
Sir James: Oh, 'tis nothing, I just had this extraordinary feeling of deja... never mind.
Domino: Tonight Baron Largo ist holding a charity ball in ye grand casino.
Sir James: And hast he held many balls?
Domino: I have never asked- why not attend?
(Sir James spies ye real masseuse approaching, and casually strolls off.)
Masseuse: Greetings, I am Peaceful Fountains of Desire, and I shalt be thine masseuse.
Domino: But... but...
Masseuse: Well, if you insist though I was planning to do thine shoulders first.

Act 2, Scene 6. (A gambling tavern. Sir James enters, wondering why the minstrels are not playing his familiar melody, and spots Domino.)

Sir James: Greetings, fair Domino, I believe I owe thee an explanation.
Domino: You! I shouldst have thee charged!
Sir James: No need, I did over one hundred press ups earlier, so fully charged!
Domino: Aye, it seems to have affected thine hair?
(Sir James quickly adjusts his hairline.)
Sir James: Thou can see that through thine blindfold?
Domino: Did you really think that toupee was fooling anyone?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond, and I have information for thee about thine brother.
Domino: My brother? He's a wonderful person. He made me cry when we were children... art thou all right?
Sir James: I prithee, give me a moment, 'tis just this feeling of deja...
Domino: As I said, he made me cry, he'd come in to my room and peel onions or tell a story about an old hound called "Old Yeller" or that Sir Edward Sheeran was doing an espionage theme song ...
Sir James: (Aside.) Sounds a right little terror.
(Enter Baron Largo.)

Largo: Sir James Bond, is it not? Come with me, Sir James. Let us donate to this good cause. My balls are famous and hath made much money.
Sir James: I believe manys a naughty parchment hath also featured men with large ball....
Largo: Nay, I do it for the orphans. This is for the “Social Society for Skint Striplings.”
Shir Shean, er, Shir Jamesh: That’sh eashy for you to shay.
Largo: I work for them often.
Sir James: You hold balls for charity, Baron?
Largo: Aye, 'tis so. Sometimes for fun, too. I like to help the great unwashed. I be'eth a man of many parts, ‘tis the only time I let the public see my inner sanctum. Normally I ‘twould never expose my private parts........ well, only to a select few....... do you enjoy sport, Sir James?
Sir James: It definitely sounds better than looking at your private parts..... lead on.
Largo: Splendid, let us have some sport.
(Baron Largo leads Sir James to a long table, with two curious chairs at either side in front of two large fireplaces.)
Sir James: These chairs look most strange, though I am most relieved that mine does not have a hole in the seat.
Largo: Ye chairs art made from metal forks, knives, and spoons. From the new Scandanavian designer Lord Ikea.
Sir James: Ah, ‘tis a Game of Utensils or mayhap Cutlery then?
Largo: Nay, the metal ist to conduct the heat from ye fireplaces. Sit down, Sir James.
(They sit, as a crowd gathers.)
Sir James: And what ist ye game we shall play? Reformation Cathedral Roulette, European Royal Family Top Trumps, The Winking of the Tiddles?
Largo: A game of strategy, military tactics, skill and .....
Sir James: Yea, Twister!!!
Largo: ....domination!
Sir James: Should not that practice be done in Madame Whiplash's dungeon?
(Several of the crowd murmur agreement.)
Largo: We shalt play Battleships! (He produces a box containing the game, and two blond stewards lay out papers and a stylus before the players before retreating to the fireplaces. One of ye stewards hast a hand made of gold, while ye other ist very short.) Shall we begin? You go first.
Sir James: A3.
Largo. Miss! B2.
Sir James: Hit. Ow! Mine chair ist getting hotter!
Largo: Oh, I didst forget to tell thee- for every hit, ye stewards will throw more logs upon the fire behind the player hit so unlike armchair admirals we will share the pain of our sailors. As thou wert unaware of this, we begin again. C2.
Sir James: Miss. C2!
Largo: Hit!
(Ye stewards put more logs on Baron Largo's fire. He begin’eth to sweat...)
Largo: A5.
Sir James: Miss. D6.
(Ye heat rises as the game continues. Both Sir James and Baron Largo start to feel very warm, then hot, then begin to burn... Finally Baron Largo stands up.)
Largo: Wow, things were getting a little hot. ... Thou hast won, Sir James.
Sir James: We hath a saying "If thee cannot stand the heat ..."
Largo: I had to stand, the heat .... I thought I could smell bacon pizza... This feels like the second time thou hast beaten me, Sir James..... But this is the best of five!
Sir James: I'll settle for one dance...
Largo: I thought you'd never ask me....
Sir James: ......with Domino and one kiss.
(There is the sound of a passionate kiss.)
Sir James: Thank ye, Maximilian, but I actually meant a kiss from Domino!
Largo: No body’s perfect- apart from mine, I have the body of a Greek God. And if he ever finds out what I’m doing with it he’ll be madder than Hell!
Sir James: Settle I shalt for one dance with Dominoes.... I mean Domino.... and can I order a pizza? I can smell it now too.
Largo: Very well. Do you lose as gracefully as you win?
Sir James: Hell no!! I go ballistic, shouting and tipping over the board!
Largo: As do I- so forgive me, I'm off to beat a servant, I shall see you both... later.
(Baron Largo signals for ye band to begin. The bass player hurriedly puts down his whisky and they play. Sir James leads Domino to the floor and they dance.)
Domino: I love to dance.
Sir James: I knew those three years of tap and interpretative dance would'st pay off! This dance competition is as good as ours. No-one puts Domino in the corner.
Domino: Tell me what thou doth seek and why thou art here.
Sir James: ‘Tis a great conspiracy, and it doth involve thine brother.
Domino: I never meet anyone like my brother..... and I have tried Tinder, speed dating adverts in singles magazines, leaving cards in shop windows...
Sir James: Only men such as me or Largo?
Domino: Thou art not like him.
Sir James: Damn, déjà vu all over again...
Domino: I can tell by the way thou doth... hold me.
Sir James: Sorry, ‘tis an unorthodox dance hold.
(Sir James doth release his hold on Domino's neck.)
Sir James: Thine brother ist dead. (Domino gasps.) And Largo ist to blame.
Domino: Show him no mercy.
Sir James: Keep dancing!
(Sir James takes off his doublet, throwing it to the side and hitting Baron Largo in the face, revealing a white waistcoat while he points to ye ceiling. He and Domino perform a spectacular dance display until Baron Largo stops ye music.)
Largo: Thou can dance exceedingly well, Sir James.
Sir James: I do'eth most things exceedingly well... like Battleships!
Largo: I prithee, join us on our boat for lunch tomorrow. ‘Tis in ye harbour and ‘tis called ye Disco Vo... er, Unidentified Disc.
Sir James: Most certainly. That sounds wonderful. Will I need a dinghy?
Largo: No, we have privys on board and we've changed the chef since the last time.

Act 2, Scene 7. (Ye lodgings of Sir James.)

Sir James: Nicole?
(Sir James finds Nicole lying dead and hears footsteps. Chasing, he sees Fatima Blush mounting a horse. Apace, he mounts ye steed sent by Wizard Algernon and gives chase but ist dismounted by Fatima.)
Fatima: Thou art quite a man, Sir James Bond.
Sir James: Well, I have not had any complaints so far.
Fatima: Mayhap, but I am a superior woman.
Sir James: I hast no problem with a woman in a superior position, as many will testify.
Fatima: Yet no doubt I wast ye best!
Sir James: Hmm... well, there was Vanessa Redgrave...
Fatima: Liar- that would be Timothy Dalton! Take ye this scroll and write!
(Fatima tosses Sir James a scroll. From a pocket on his doublet he produces ye stylus given him by Wizard Algernon, and ye elastic band.)
Fatima: Now write- “Ye greatest rapture in my life was-
(Sir James uses ye elastic band to fire ye stylus into Fatima’s bosom.)
Fatima: ...what?
(Fatima dies from ink poisoning. Enter Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: I didst wonder how thou was going to get out of that.
Sir James: Thou hast been here ye whole time?
Lord Felix: Oh, I knew thee had ye situation well in hand. Now, tell me more about this Vanessa....

Act 3, Scene 1. (Ye Unidentified Disc.)

Largo: Sir James, welcome aboard. Thou art just in time- cast off!
(Ye boat starts moving.)
Sir James: Ah, where art we heading?
Largo: Thou shalt see soon enough. Chambers have been prepared for thee aft.
(Sir James wanders about, and comes across Domino.)
Domino: Sir James! Why art thou here?
Sir James: I didst think I was invited for lunch and have found myself on a cruise. I prithee, where art we heading?
Domino: To North Africa, where ye Baron hast a house.
Sir James: ‘Tis most important that I send a message- now, hast ye an empty bottle anywhere...?
Domino: Only this bottle of Buckfast, which ist still full, I think- 'tis hard to tell with this blindfold.
Sir James: Worry ye not, it will do just fine... in a moment. (Glug, glug, glug.) Now, ‘tis time for me to kiss thee- for this, I have three reasons. First reason, because I hast always wanted to... (They kiss.)
Domino: ...and ye other two?
Sir James: Oh, there are no other two... (They kiss more passionately.)

Act 3, Scene 7. (A port.)

Largo: Finally, we have arrived.
Sir James: So, what happens now Baron Largo?
Domino: Oh good, I hope there ist a market.
Largo: A market there ist, and thou will be the main attraction. Men, seize them!
(Baron Largo’s men knock Sir James out, and seize Domino.)

(Later, in a cell. Sir James ist chained to ye wall.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) Felix, it hast been too long... How I have missed your... Ah... Baron Largo. Er, hello again.
Largo: Thou wert a very good agent of discretion...
Sir James: I thank’ee.
Largo: ...once. Alas those days are over. From this window here, thou shalt see Domino be auctioned off to ye highest bidder, while thou art left here to rot. I bid thee farewell, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: In that case, where hast thou hidden ye ship with barrels of Greek Fire?
Largo: ‘Tis at a port called Ye Tears Of Allah- not that this will help thee, from my point of view.
Sir James: Oh, I'd like to see things from your point of view- but I doubt I could get my head that far up mine ass.
(Exit Baron Largo. Sir James begins to use his enchanted sundial to free himself...)

Act 3, Scene 8. (A marketplace. Domino stands bound to a pole. No, a wooden pole.)

Largo: Milords, ladies and gen’elmennnn... what am I bid for this fine specimen?
1st Arab: Two camels!
Largo: Sorry, I don’t smoke.
2nd Arab: Four horses!
Largo: Better, any advance on four horses? Do I hear six horses?
3rd Arab: Five horses!
Largo: Sold!
(Largo departs and ye winner begins to tie Domino to his horse. Enter Sir James, who promptly steals ye horse with Domino and rides off, hotly pursued.)
Domino: Faster! Faster!
Sir James: Like thou didst say to me last night?
Domino: Watch out for yon man with- (Thump.) Too late.
Sir James: Yon man with... ?
Domino: Yon man with green trainers.
Sir James: Ah, that would be Dellboy Deaton. ‘Tis no matter.
Domino: Sir James, they art getting closer!
Sir James: Worry ye not, for through this window here we will go!
(Sir James jumps ye horse through ye window and they land safely in a wagon full of hay. Sir James and Domino run to a cliff edge, as ye horse ist slain by their pursuers.)
Sir James: Ah, ‘tis a shame about assassins and their creed.
(He and Domino leap over the cliff and into the water.)

Act 3, Scene 4. (A ship.)

Sir James: But how did thou know to have ye ship at this point, Sir Felix?
Lord Felix: Thine message inside ye empty bottle of Buckfast was found.
Domino: But that bottle was full when I did give it to Sir James!
Sir James: Ah, yes, I did deal with that very quickly.
Lord Felix: Now, where should I ask ye captain to steer this ship?
Sir James: To Ye Tears Of Allah, most quickly!
Lord Felix: Captain Farrell, hast thou ye new invention from our Wizards?
Captain Farrell: Why, yes, but 'tis most secret.
Lord Felix: If thou want'est to be an Admiral someday, then I suggest thou dost disclose this most immediately!
Captain Farrell: But of course- I do enjoy pulling rank..
(Ye prospective Admiral, who will one day enjoy a good squeeze, doth reveal two large catapults.)
Lord Felix: Here, Sir James, you take ye left and I shalt take ye right.
Sir James: Most ingenious.
(Sir James and Lord Felix art launched towards Ye Tears Of Allah.)

Act 3, Scene 5. (A port known as Ye Tears of Allah.)

Largo: Hurry, men, time ist short.
(Baron Largo's men manoeuvre ye ship laden with Greek Fire into a berth as Sir James and Lord Felix arrive.)
Sir James: Thou should stand closer, Baron Largo, 'tis shorter than thee think.
(Sir James and Lord Felix attack Baron Largo's men, slaying them. Sir James and Baron Largo fall into ye water, where ye Baron soon hast Sir James at his mercy until Domino stabs a harpoon into Largo's back.)
Domino: Glad I am that I have slain him.
Sir James: You're glad? Oh, damn...
Domino: Art thou all right, Sir James?
Sir James: I'll be fine- 'tis just that feeling of deja vu again...

Barbel, Thunderpussy, Number 24

Barbel · May 2018

THE ROYAL GAMBLING TAVERN Climax Theatre

Act 1, Scene 1. (Outside a gambling tavern. A steward opens ye door for elegantly dressed people. Sir Jimmy Bond approaches ye door, and a shadowy figure fires an arrow at him, narrowly missing.)

Steward: Art thou all right, good sir?
Sir Jimmy: Methinks I shalt survive.
Steward: Mayhap yon man was a robber.
Sir Jimmy: Aye... mayhap.
Steward: Or methinks, your head attire?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, (Sir Jimmy removes the apple from his head.) I did not think anyone could Tell...

Act 1, Scene 2. (In ye gambling tavern.)

Manager: Mine most sincere apologies, Sir Jimmy, I hast no explanation for thou hast not yet begun ye playing of cards.
Sir Jimmy: Mayhap ‘twas mine autograph they did want, or some sort of "Loan Arranger" looking
for business. I prithee, may I have some chips?
Steward: Most certainly- which flavour?
Sir Jimmy: ...er... no... the other kind.
Steward: Oh! Of course.
Lord Clarence: Greetings, good sir, art thee not ye fellow who was shot by an arrow?
Sir Jimmy: Nay, I am ye fellow who was missed by an arrow. I am he who is called Bond, Jimmy Bond.
Lord Clarence: I am Clarence, Lord of Leiter, and of thee I have heard much tell.
Sir Jimmy: Aye, yon apple...
Lord Clarence: Wouldst thee sup with me?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, I will have a mead.
Lord Clarence: Any particular way- shaken, perhaps?
Sir Jimmy: Nay, I do not give a damn. Why do thee ask?
Lord Clarence: Oh, no reason. Sent have I been to assist in thy mission. Thou art here to use thine famous card sense to defeat Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: And where shalt I find him?
Lord Clarence: Over there- with a couple of tramps. (Sir Jimmy sees two beggars sitting beside Le Chiffre.) He ist still playing cards and still, apparently, winning. (Some large stuffed animals also are beside him, laughing he hands them to the beggars.)
Sir Jimmy: Ah, baccarat- mine favourite game. After "Go Fish" and "Happy Families”, of course.
Lord Clarence: I prefer Texas Hold-‘Em, myself.
Sir Jimmy: Pray, what dost thee hold thyself?
Lord Clarence: Ye Cards, Sir Jimmy.
Sir Jimmy: There art only two rules for winning in poker. The first is: never tell anyone anything.
Lord Clarence: And ye second?
(Sir Jimmy only smiles.)

Act 1, Scene 3. (In ye gambling tavern. A beauteous wench ist talking with Le Chiffre.)

Le Chiffre: Most handsome ist thine friend Sir Jimmy. Good bone structure, fantastic abs, and an arse to die for.
Valerie: Aye, ‘tis so. Here be some etchings of him in his younger Navy days.
Le Chiffre: And hast he changed much since thou didst know him earlier?
Valerie: Nay, except he used to have a slight Scottish accent, was about six inches taller and left handed, with a "Scotland Forever" tattoo ....nothing really?
Le Chiffre: Once in Edinburgh I had a terrible time with Military Bands playing and marching, so I know what it be like to regret a tattoo. Even fell down the steps of the castle.
Valerie: So thee are of Scottish descent.
Le Chiffre: Aye.
Valerie: Why, shalt I talk with him now?
Le Chiffre: Nay, I shalt tell thee when.

Act 1, Scene 4. (In ye gambling tavern. Valerie approaches Sir Jimmy.)

Valerie: So, Sir Jimmy, it hast been a long time.
Sir Jimmy: Most pleased am I to see thee, Vesp... er, Valerie. Valerie, say hello to Clarence.
Valerie: Hello, Clarence.
Sir Jimmy: Clarence, say goodbye to Valerie.
Lord Clarence: Huh?
(Sir Jimmy doth smack Lord Clarence on his bottom- he walks away giggling.)
Sir Jimmy: I shalt walk with Valerie to ye hotel.
Valerie: Oh. (Disappointed.) No Aston Martin carriage then?
Sir Jimmy: Not on this budget.

Act 1, Scene 5. (A hotel.)

Valerie: I shalt walk thee to thine room.
Sir Jimmy: But of course. And wouldst thee check under my bed, I'd sleep better.
(In ye chambers of Sir Jimmy.)
Valerie: So, thou doth like to gamble, Sir Jimmy. Art thou an addict?
Sir James: Nay, I bet I could stop any time.
(Sir James kisses Valerie.)
Sir Jimmy: For old times sake that was. Le Chiffre did send thee here, I have no doubt, and his men art listening.
Valerie: I know nothing of this.
Sir Jimmy: Then he trusts ye not.
Valerie: Sir Jimmy, thou didst love me once and I still love thee. I prithee, do not play cards with Le Chiffre! He will kill thee!
Sir Jimmy: Bad loser eh? He may try. Now, Valerie, let us remember old times...
Valerie: For thee, sex ist always the answer.
Sir Jimmy: Nay, sex ist the question- "yes" is the answer.

Act 1, Scene 6. (Ye chambers of Le Chiffre.)

Le Chiffre: Thou hast done well, beautiful. Magnificent!
Valerie: I have done all thou did ask.
Le Chiffre: Admirably. And does he still love thee?
Valerie: Aye, Look upon this collection of parchments from his chamber.
(She doth lay out a selection of parchment pages.)
Valerie: Look how many times and ways he hath written Valerie, and James :x Valerie, and a drawing of us holding hands, with poems of love and admiration. Even a mix list of his favourite minstrel love ballads. Most of them are composed by Sir Justin of Bieber. Sir Jimmy is clearly blinded and deafened by love.
Le Chiffre: Aye, he doth get a bit soppy! Tomorrow I must win, and no-one will stand in my way.

Act 2, Scene 1. (Ye gambling tavern.)

Basil: Lord Leiter, I do believe thou hast a sum of gold to gamble with. I prithee, give it to me forthwith lest ye be slain with a slash! (Displays a dagger.)
Lord Clarence: Ah,"Slash for Gold" eh? ‘Tis most awkward for I do desire this sum too.
Basil: Thou hast exactly ten seconds to comply.
(Lord Clarence hails a passing steward.)
Lord Clarence: Steward, I prithee, take this gold and hold it for Sir Jimmy... now what wert thou saying?
(Basil retires, abashed. Enter Sir Jimmy.)
Sir Jimmy: And how did thou fare last night at ye tables, Lord Clarence?
Clarence: Most unfortunately. I do hope thou hast better luck!
Sir Jimmy: Aye, me too.
(Lord Clarence exits, enter Valerie and Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Greetings Sir Jimmy, pray meet mine old friend Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: Le Chiffre?
Le Chiffre: ‘Tis merely a name.
Sir Jimmy: Look Valerie, I'm wearing my best hose and that codpiece you commented on.
Valerie: I did say t'was unusual.
Sir Jimmy: Aye, not many couldst carry off a squirrel running in a wheel.
Le Chiffre: What about the nuts?
Sir Jimmy: I do keep them well away from him!
Le Chiffre: Good luck at ye tables tonight, Sir Jimmy.
Sir Jimmy: I make’eth mine own luck.
Le Chiffre: I did think you had said luck hath no memory?
Sir Jimmy: I don't remember saying that.

(Sir Jimmy and Le Chiffre assume their positions at ye table.)
Man who will never be seen again: Banco.
Croupier: Le Chiffre wins, nine to seven.
Sir Jimmy: Banco.
Croupier: Nine. Sir Jimmy wins.
(Ye game continues. Le Chiffre ist full of smiles and bonhomie, as Sir Jimmy occasionally places a peanut in his crotch .... Le Chiffre wins, Sir Jimmy looks beaten.)
Le Chiffre: You hath been beaten, Sir Jimmy.
Sir James: Oft times, but so long’eth as there is a safe word.... er, you mean this game. I may surprise you yet, as I await word from my friends Lord Wonga and Lady QuickQuid.
(An envelope ist delivered to Sir Jimmy, containing enough money for him to continue, much to Le Chiffre’s surprise.)
Sir Jimmy: Banco.
(Sir Jimmy wins. Le Chiffre leaves ye table. Zoltan approaches Sir Jimmy.)
Zoltan: Mine friend Le Chiffre ist most desirous of thine winnings, Sir Jimmy. I prithee, pay close attention to mine cane- thou will see it ist really a sword. Now hand over yon gold or I will-
(Sir Jimmy heaves his chair backwards, knocking the swordstick from Zoltan’s hand. Lord Clarence rushes up to help. Zoltan flees, pursued by an angry squirrel.)
Clarence: What hast happened? Art thou all right?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, all ist fine... but where ist Valerie?
Clarence: Why, she was here but a moment ago.
Sir Jimmy: And where ist Le Chiffre?
Clarence: I shall go seek Valerie. I last saw her when she did go to fetch the extra money for thee to beat Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: That was from her? I did think it was from you! Lord Clarence, take this swordstick whilst I go collect mine winnings.

Act 2, Scene 2. (Ye chambers of Sir Jimmy. Sir Jimmy searches his bag and finds a screwdriver labelled "This is not a drill. Repeat: this is not a drill". He hides his winnings behind the number on ye door just before Le Chiffre enters with Valerie and two henchmen, Basil and Zoltan.)

Le Chiffre: Stand still, Sir Jimmy. I seek thine winnings, for which thou were helped by money from Valerie Mathis here who ist an agent of discretion from ye French government.
Sir Jimmy: Valerie Mathis? Ist that thine cover name?
Valerie: Yes.
Sir Jimmy: Not a very good one, is it?
Valerie: It was that or Stephanie Broadchest... Do we forgive each other?
Sir Jimmy: I should not have left thee alone.
Le Chiffre: Very touching, but I do most strongly desire thine winnings- mine life depends upon it. And, of course, so does yours. Now, Sir Jimmy, we art very serious people and thine good health ist of no concern to us whatsoever. Men, put him in ye bathtub!
Sir Jimmy: Bathtub? Not what I was expecting... Saturday is usually bath night.
Le Chiffre: Mayhap, but ye censors will not permit anything else. Basil, take Miss Mathis in also- but should she scream, kill him.

Act 2, Scene 3. (Ye bathroom. Sir Jimmy lies bound in ye bathtub, his naked feet protruding.)

Le Chiffre: Basil, put Sir Jimmy's shoes on the floor beside that disgusting pair of green trainers.
Sir Jimmy: They are not mine!
Le Chiffre: I am without mercy and there shalt be no relenting. Thou shalt be tortured to the edge of madness.
Sir Jimmy: Why don't thee slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?
Le Chiffre: See these feathers and nail polish, Sir Jimmy? Tell me where ist ye money!
(Sir Jimmy says nothing. Le Chiffre assaults his toes with ye feathers.)
Sir Jimmy: Argh! Ohh!! Ahh!!
Le Chiffre: Excruciating. If thou shalt not tell, I willst start on Valerie here.
Sir Jimmy: I think you'll find we're made of stronger stuff.
Le Chiffre: Now the polish... um ?... red, methinks.
Sir Jimmy: I’ll wager thou loves that!
(Le Chiffre begins to paint Sir Jimmy's toes...)
Sir Jimmy: No! Oh, the shame of it all!
Le Chiffre: Give unto me thy winnings, or the wig and dress willst be next!!
Sir Jimmy: Ah!! To the right, to the right.... you've missed part of the cuticle.
Le Chiffre: Don't force me to put you in ladies under garments Sir Jimmy, TELL ME!!
Sir Jimmy: You can't do this to me... I'm British! You be’eth an animal!
Le Chiffre: How did thee find out? Thou art obstinate, Sir Jimmy.
Sir Jimmy: Ye constables will trace mine winnings to thee.
Le Chiffre: Nay, I shalt tell them thou art a good sportsman and turned thine winnings over to me. Now, Zoltan, go and watch in case Lord Clarence doth appear. (Exit Zoltan.) And Basil, take this lip stick, mascara and go ahead- do not restrain thineself....... When Basil is done, even Valerie willst not recognise thee!
(Basil sets to work upon Sir Jimmy’s face.)
Sir Jimmy: Aarghh! I doth have sensitive skin you beast!
Valerie: Stop! When I entered this room I did see him holding a screwdriver.
Le Chiffre: Screwdriver? I know he doth like vodka...
Valerie: Nay, a real screwdriver!
Le Chiffre: Could he hath purchased some furniture from the Lord Ikea?
Valerie: Nay!
Le Chiffre: Basil, help me search ye room.
(Exit Le Chiffre and Basil.)
Valerie: Forgive me, Sir Jimmy, I could not stand what was being done to thee. That lipstick colour just doesn't match your skin tone.
Sir Jimmy: They cannot see us, keep talking.
Valerie: Oh, I remember when we first met, ‘twas so beautiful...
(While Valerie doth ramble on, Sir Jimmy frees himself from his Bonds (Jimmy Bonds), then Valerie.)
Le Chiffre: (Off.) Ah, here it ist! I thankee, Sir Jimmy!
Sir Jimmy: Le Chiffre, give me some water.
Le Chiffre: (Off.) Basil, give him all ye water he wants.
(Enter Basil, who ist quickly slain by Sir Jimmy.)

Act 2, Scene 3. (Ye chambers of Sir Jimmy. Le Chiffre ist in a seat.)

Le Chiffre: Basil? Basil?
(Enter Sir Jimmy with Basil’s sword, and Valerie.)
Sir Jimmy: Farewell, Le Chiffre.
(Sir Jimmy stabs Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Kill him!
Sir Jimmy: All right, all right, I'm doing it, give me a chance.
Valerie: Sorry!
Sir Jimmy: First, give me back mine winnings. Valerie, call ye constables.
(Le Chiffre grabs Valerie.)
Le Chiffre: If thou wantest them so badly, Sir Jimmy, use thine sword- but then thou would lose thine beloved Valerie.
Sir James: Valerie, thine shoe lace hath become undone.
(Valerie ducks down, and Sir Jimmy slays Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Hey, I be’eth wearing pumps! .... Oh, Sir Jimmy!
Sir Jimmy: Come on over, Valerie.
(They embrace, as the dead Le Chiffre quietly gets up and walks offstage.)

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir Jimmy Bond shall not return.)

Barbel, Thunderpussy and a nod to Number 24

Barbel · August 2018

GOLDENBALLS

Act 1, Scene 1. A most royal palace. From a hot-air balloon, several assailants descend on ropes and enter ye building. Apace, they make their way down a corridor only to be confronted by Her Majesty herself.

ER: Varlets! Thee will be sorry thou hast set foot here!
(In a fantastic display of combined martial arts, Her Majesty quickly dispatches ye varlets as from her private quarters Sir James Bond doth appear holding his weapon.)
Sir James: ‘Tis good to see thee looking so happy and glorious, Your Majesty.
ER: Only on seeing thee, Sir James, ‘tis thee who puts the Great in Britain. ‘Twould seem thine foster brother ist sending a message.
Sir James: Yes, ma’am.
ER: As if I did not have enough problems with my own family! Deal with this, Sir James.
Sir James: Ist that an order, ma’am?
ER: More of a Royal Command.
(Smiling, she doth point at the crest on Sir James's undergarments which reads “By appointment to Her Majesty.”)
ER: Now Sir James, let one help thee look for that stationery.
Sir James: How apt- from Royal Command to command performance...

Intermission. Maidens in and out of abbreviated clothing dance whilst an Englishman warbles.

Act 2, Scene 1. Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory.

Maid Moneypenny: Thou art most late, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, I was...er... kept up at ye Palace.
Maid Moneypenny: Again...? Was it "Arise" Sir James..?
Sir James: I was elevated in the ranks, so to speak.
Maid Moneypenny: Sir Gareth awaits thee, thou should attend apace.

Sir Gareth: I hear thou didst have a busy time at ye Palace, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Aye, a busy Knight.
Sir Gareth: ‘Tis my belief that thine kinsman ye Comte de Blofeld wast behind this attack upon our monarchy. It has been three years since he didst escape from ye Tower, slaying thine ladyfriend Maid Madeleine in ye process.
Sir James: She wast ye daughter of an assassin- she would not have minded.
Sir Gareth: Thou must find this knave and slay him with no delay- thou didst have ye opportunity once, and didst not take it.
Sir James: This time ‘twill be different, mine liege.
Sir Gareth: Then proceed, Naught Naught Seven- apace! Most sure I am that Her Majesty willst be exceedingly grateful and seek to honour ye graciously.
Sir James: (Turns very pale.) ...again?
Sir Gareth: Rumblings in the Balkans we have heard.
Sir James: Probably all that goulash and spicy food, sire.
Sir Gareth: Thou should begin thine search there.

Act 2, Scene 2. Ye lair of ye Young Wizard.

Sir James: I bid thee greetings, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this enchanted Connect 4 piece!
Sir James: Um...?
Young Wizard: It shalt change colour to whatever ist most advantageous to thee in a game.
Sir James: And art thou certain this shalt be useful to me in mine quest?
Young Wizard: Thou doth remember ye dragons in thine last adventure...?
Sir James: Point taken. And what ist this, here?
Young Wizard: This be mine lunch! 'Tis a Caribbean recipe of spiced chicken.
Sir James: Spiced chicken? Surely thou doth jest!
Young Wizard: I ne'er jest about my jerk, Naught Naught Seven.

Act 2, Scene 3. A grand boarding house in a foreign place.

Steward: And how may I help thee, good sir?
Sir James: A room thou hast for me, I doth believe. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
(Sir James is shown his room...)
Sir James: Um! Very nice, (Though he doth search for listening devices.) I'll just try this window...
(Outside sits a small man with an ear horn.)
Steward: 'Tis ye window cleaner.
Sir James: At night?
Steward: He be cheaper at night and there be no streaks!
(Sir James opens his bathroom door to find a woman with a glass to her ear at the door.)
Sir James: What be'ith this wench doing?
Steward: To keep our high standards, we not only clean our glasses but we listen for cracks too.
(Sir James returns to his bedroom, to find another midget in his wardrobe looking through a knot hole, holding a parchment and quill.)
Sir James: Explain this?
Steward: He doth draw most intricate, sexy drawings of guests...... as a souvenir, Look you well, he hath been most generous with your.....
Sir James: This room is not to my liking, we shall depart to thine vestibule, where thee shall find me something more suitable.
(They return to the stewards table.)
Steward: Only the Honeymoon suite is available.
Sir James: Nay!
Steward: At no extra charge?
Sir James: 'Tis perfect!
(A most beautiful damsel doth overhear and approaches Sir James. She does appear intelligent, brave, fierce and charming, as well as witty and skilful.)
Damsel: So, thou art Sir James Bond?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis true. Thine English ist very fluent- be thou from ye land of ye Tsars, mayhap? Or can I suggest from ye Balkans or similar?
Damsel: Thou hast a good ear.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis perfectly formed and part of a set. What wouldst thou say to a little drink?
Damsel: Hello, little drink, methinks.
(They walk through to ye bar, inside ye neighbouring casino.)
A Different Steward: And how can I help thee, sir and madam?
Sir James: A mead I shalt have- let it shaken be, and not stirred.
Damsel: For me, an Americano – ‘tis the least offensive of the musical comedy drinks. Bitter Campari, Cinzano, a large slice of lemon peel and soda.
Sir James: For ye soda, I always stipulate Perrier. Expensive soda water ist the cheapest way to improve a poor drink.
Damsel: This I shalt remember.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith. I prithee, art thou sleeping in this boarding house tonight?
Damsel: That, Sir James, ist for me to know and thee to find out.
(Ye damsel departs. Sir James casts an eye over ye gaming tables. A man ist playing Connect4 and, apparently, winning. Sir James estimates him to be of Maori origin, between five-and-thirty and five-and fifty, and authoritative, cunning, ruthless and loyal. Another most beautiful maiden doth sit beside him)
Sir James: Ist this a private game, or may I join in?
Man: I prithee, join us, Sir...?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Man: So! Of thee I have heard tell from mine boon companions. Thou may know me as Mann, Hench Mann.
Sir James: Then let us play! I shalt have ten thousand on ye next game.
(There ist an audible drawing of breath from ye spectators. Yeoman Mann doth look at ye croupier, who gives an almost imperceptible nod.)
Yeoman Mann: Most confident thou art, Sir James.
Damsel: Hench, mine darling, thou didst promise me there wouldst be dancing and merriment tonight.
Yeoman Mann: Hush, Sacrificia, I must make sport.
(Sir James notices a familiar-looking ring on Yeoman Mann's hand, a ring with an octopus symbol. He also notices an extra red piece concealed in Mann’s sleeve.)
Sir James: Mayhap thou wouldst have no objection to... raising ye limit?
Yeoman Mann: But of course- double!
(They play, Sir James using ye changeable colour piece supplied to him by ye Young Wizard, and naturally winning.)
Croupier: Twenty thousand to Sir James.
Yeoman Mann: Perhaps I may have more luck at a different game.
Sir James: Aye, mayhap- what didst thou have in mind?
Yeoman Mann: Come, I shalt show thee.
(He leads Sir James to another part of ye room, where archery targets hang on ye walls.)
Sir James: So, thou art a bowman, Yeoman?
Yeoman Mann: Aye, ‘tis mine passion- shall we play double or quits?
Sir James: But of course.
(Yeoman Mann picks up a crossbow and an arrow, takes aim, and unerringly shoots straight into ye bullseye.)
Yeoman Mann: I fancy thou shalt find that figure hard to match.
Sir James: Aye, it seems terribly difficult...
(Without even looking, Sir James fires his arrow and splits Mann’s in twain. Yeoman Mann looks on aghast.)
Sir James: No, it isn’t, is it?
Yeoman Mann: (With difficulty.) I believe I owe thee forty thousand.
Sir James: I wouldst settle for being permitted to dance with Sacrificia and show her some merriment.
Yeoman Mann: Most grateful I am to thee, Sir James.
(Sir James leads Sacrificia to ye dance floor.)
Sacrificia: Thine dancing ist sublime, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou art not too bad thineself. Tell me, how dost thee know Yeoman Mann?
Sacrificia: I didst meet him but a few weeks ago. Most attractive I didst find him, until I met you....
Sir James: Aye, with this I am familiar.
Sacrificia: Must we talk about him?
Sir James: Why, nay- I wouldst much rather talk about ye Comte de Blofeld.
(Sacrificia gasps.)
Sir James: Thou hast heard ye name?
Sacrificia: Aye, 'tis so- of him Hench Mann hast much fear.
Sir James: And canst thou tell me where he can be found?
Sacrificia: He ist everywhere! He ist in ye pub talking to thine mates, he ist in ye market when thou doth buy thine groceries, he ist with thine children at school, he ist with Sir Boris of Johnson discussing Brexit!
Sir James: Could you be a bit more precise?
Sacrificia: He's in Dubrovnik.
Sir James: And of his plans hath ye heard tell?
Sacrificia: 'Tis very exciting. I’m not going to talk about it but I can’t remember being so excited. It’s going to be very, very special... Think ye Olympics.
Sir James: Olympics, eh?
(Sir James notices Yeoman Mann approaching with two others. They do not appear pleased. One of Mann's men carries a crossbow, marked with ye octopus symbol.)
Sir James: Methinks it may be time to go...
Sacrificia: I will see thee again?
Sir James: 'Tis possible!
(Sir James exits swiftly, making for his carriage outside.)

Act 2, Scene 4. Outside ye casino.

(Sir James runs apace to his carriage, pursued by Yeoman Mann and his men, but find two more varlets standing waiting in his path. Quickly he turns into a narrow alleyway, now with all ye varlets pursuing, dodging arrows from ye man with ye crossbow. Suddenly an arm doth reach out and drag him into a doorway.)

Voice: Sssh...
(Sir James keeps silent as his pursuers go down ye alley, straight past ye doorway where he and his mysterious confederate art hiding, then turns to see who his benefactor may be.)
Sir James: (Delighted.) Lord Felix! ‘Tis thee!
Lord Felix: It looked like thou could use a helping hand, Sir James. Most pleased am I to see thee.
Sir James: And I thee, but what art thou doing here?
Lord Felix: Why, I have been keeping mine eye that never sleeps on a certain Yeoman Mann- who if I be not mistaken was pursuing thee down this alley. Didst thou steal his ladyfriend, mayhap?
Sir James: Hmm, would I do such a thing?
Lord Felix: Yes, you bloody well would. Now, what art thou doing here?
Sir James: I do seek ye Comte de Blofeld, as ever.
Lord Felix: Mine information ist that he is-
Sir James: -in Dubrovnik, aye. Methinks we should pool our efforts and share our information.
Lord Felix: But of course. I do believe there ist a tavern handy, let us go there. Things should go smoothly, now.
Sir James: I do hope that you are Wright.
Lord Felix: Many people hope that I am Wright....

Act 2, Scene 5. In ye boarding house, Sir James enters his chambers.

Sacrificia: Thou did say ‘twas possible we should meet again...
Sir James: Sacrificia! What art thou doing here?
Sacrificia: Nothing- at ye moment... But I did hope thou could do something about that.
Sir James: I trust I shalt rise to ye occasion.
Sacrificia: No doubt. But first, I must tell thee that Hench hast a meeting tomorrow at ye Centre Point tower- you know, the one in Dubrovnik. He would not say, but I believe ‘tis with ye Comte.
Sir James: Then there I must go- but first....
(They kiss, before a discreet interval.)
Sacrificia: That was wonderful, thou art truly ye best.
Sir James: Nobody does it better!
Sacrificia: May I have a drink, Sir James?
Sir James: But of course. I do believe I have a little something in mine valise...
(Sir James rises and goes to ye table to open his valise, but ist knocked on his head by an unseen assailant and falls unconscious for some time.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) Mmm.... say that again, Felix.... thou knowest how it makes me... (Awakes.) ....what? Sacrificia...
(Sir James groggily rises and goes to ye bed, where he doth find ye body of Sacrificia buried under a mound of Connect4 pieces. There ist a note on top.)
Sir James: (Reading.) “She loosened her lips, now she's had her chips"

Act 2, Scene 6. A villain’s lair. At the head of a long table, surrounded by his acolytes, sits ye Comte de Blofeld- charismatic, powerful, innovative, cosmopolitan, bright, cold and vindictive. Enter Yeoman Mann.

Yeoman Mann: I bid thee greetings, Comte.
Comte: What news dost thou bring'eth me, Yeoman Mann?
Yeoman Mann: ‘Twould appear that, er, an associate of mine did pass on information about thine whereabouts to Sir James Bond.
Comte: So naturally thou hast slain him- well done!
Yeoman Mann: Er, nay, mine liege, but I have slain her! I gave Sir James a strongly-worded letter of warning, that should make him back off.
Comte: (Facepalms.) ...a strongly-worded letter? To Sir James Bond???
Yeoman Mann: Aye, ‘tis so.
Comte: Mann... did I not say to thee some weeks ago that it would be terrible if some accident did befall Sir James?
Yeoman Mann: Aye, Comte, but ‘twould seem such did not come to pass.
Comte: ... and then did I not say that his death would greatly please me?
Yeoman Mann: Alack, he doth appear in good health.
Comte: Indeed. Mayhap I did not make myself clear enough. But no matter, I am sure that thine successor will have no difficulty in following mine instructions.
Yeoman Mann: Mine successor?
(Enter Yeoman Hinx, rather scarred now but still very formidable. He walks up to Mann.)
Yeoman Mann: Oh, shi-
(Yeoman Hinx effortlessly picks up Yeoman Mann with one hand and smashes him against the wall. His lifeless body slumps to ye floor.)
Comte: Tsk, tsk, what a mess. Yeoman Mitchell, Yeoman Webb- take this body away! (Two yeomen follow ye Comte’s orders.) Now, Yeoman Hinx- I take it thou knowest what needs to be done?
(Yeoman Hinx nods and exits.)

Act 3, Scene 1. Sir James drives his carriage into Dubrovnik, and passes ye Centre Point.

Sir James: Hmm, a most impressive building. Four guards at ye door, a moat, and cannon at each corner. ‘Twould be good to assail it from above- mayhap in a modern state of the art version of ye tiny winged chariot ye Old Wizard did give me to fly over ye volcanoes in Japan...? Or some other modern tech, some of them look amazing! ‘Twould be most interesting. But nay, today that sort of thing hardly feels right, ‘tis exactly the kind of thing I need to avoid.
(Sir James arrives at a grand boarding house, and is met by a doorman.)
Doorman: Hail, good sir, allow me to park thine carriage. A most magnificent steed thou doth have pulling it!
Sir James: Aye, but do not let her boss thee around.
(Sir James enters ye boarding house and checks in, then doth head for ye bar.)
Steward: A drink, good sir?
Sir James: A mead, I prithee- let it shaken be and not stirred.
Damsel: So, we meet again Sir James.
Sir James: Most pleased i am to see thee again- mayhap this time thou will tell me thine name?
Damsel: Thou may know me as Hashtag MeOne.
Sir James: Not MeTwo, then?
MeOne: Nay, that ist mine sister. I didst think that we would meet here in Dubrovnik, somehow.
Sir James: Me too, MeOne. I do have ye impression we art chasing ye same tiger, thou pulling on different tails.
MeOne: And I think yon tiger doth reside in yon tower thou wert studying a few moments ago?
Sir James: Um, most observant thou art. Thou shalt dine with me forthwith.
MeOne: I think it not, Sir James, though I cannot deny the thought hast crossed my mind. I have no doubt we shalt meet again before too long.
(Exit MeOne. Sir James finishes his drink and walks thoughtfully from ye bar.)

Act 3, Scene 2. Ye chambers of Sir James.

Lord Felix: Thou art late as usual, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, I didst meet a most interesting damsel- hast thou heard of a Hashtag MeOne?
Lord Felix: Nay, she ist not one of mine associates. Thou hast had a look at ye tower?
Sir James: Aye, it doth seem most formidable. Hast thou a plan to get us in?
Lord Felix: But of course. All we have to do ist-
(Ye door ist thrust open and Yeoman Hinx enters apace. He doth seize Lord Felix and throw him at Sir James, sending both into a tangled heap in ye corner.)
Sir James: Why, Felix, of this moment I have dreamt-
Lord Felix: Later!
(Lord Felix draws his dagger and lunges at Yeoman Hinx, but ist swatted aside. Sir James punches Hinx in ye stomach, to no avail, Yeoman Hinx brushing off strong blows that would fell any normal man. Lord Felix lashes out with his foot, tripping Hinx, and he and Sir James set upon him. It doth seem as if Yeoman Hinx ist gaining ye upper hand until...)
Sir James: There ist just one chance- now, in which pocket did I put it...?
(Sir James searches ye pockets of his doublet until he doth find a boon from ye Young Wizard- a jet powered hoverboard- and proceeds to batter Yeoman Hinx with it, until he ist slain.)
Sir James: ‘Twould seem that going low tech with a dose of tradecraft ist ye way to go...
Lord Felix: Sir James, art thee all right? Ist he slain?
Sir James: Aye, to both. Now, thou wert telling me about thine plan to get into ye tower?
Lord Felix: ‘Twould seem that events have come up with a better one...

Act 3, Scene 3. Outside ye Centre Point tower. What appears to be Yeoman Hinx doth approach.

Sir James: (Inside.) Stop fidgeting!
Lord Felix: Ssh! Stop talking!
Sir James: This was a crazy idea.
Lord Felix: Thou hast never heard of ye Trojan Horse? Now ssh!
Guard: Hail to thee, Yeoman Hinx.
("Hinx" nods. Ye guards step aside to let him enter.)
Lord Felix: We are inside now, almost there...
Sir James: Next time we do this, I get on top.
Lord Felix: In thine dreams, Sir James.
Sir James: ...er... ;%
Lord Felix: Turn about ist fair play. Now, let me see... Aye, let us head in this direction.
(They start climbing ye stairs. A sign reads “Meeting room. Nothing special going on here.”)
Lord Felix: Aye, let us go in here.
(In ye room, they quickly shed their grotesque disguise and begin searching.)
MeOne: Thee will find nothing here, boys, I have searched already.
Sir James: MeOne! So, thine tiger’s tail hast led thee here too.
MeOne: ‘Twould seem that thine quarry hast departed- though I did find this parchment...
Sir James: (Reading.) ‘Tis five naughts- three more than I. What can this mean?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis apparent thou art not a sporting man, Sir James, even when thou art at thine best. This is ye Olympic symbol.
MeOne: Aye, sent have I been by ye secret intelligence division of ye Olympic Committee since we didst hear that ye Comte de Blofeld was making plans involving our next games.
Sir James: And when do they commence?
MeOne: In less than two days- in London.
(Sir James groans.)
Lord Felix: A problem, Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, ‘tis just that this time I had been hoping for Australia, mayhap, or somewhere in Africa- not London again!
(From off an alarm rings and there ist ye sound of running feet.)
MeOne: Methinks ‘tis time we were not here.
Sir James: To ye window, apace! Felix, grab those curtains I prithee!
Lord Felix: Do thee need a dress to go to a ball?
(Lord Felix pulls down ye curtains from a window, and quickly Sir James knots them into a makeshift rope, tying it to a desk.)
Lord Felix: Art thou sure this will work?
Sir James: It should do, I’ve done this before.
(Ye guards burst into ye room just as Sir James, Lord Felix and MeOne leap out of ye window. In the street below, Sir James kicks the driver from a carriage and takes ye reins as Lord Felix and MeOne jump in.)
Sir James: Hold on tight!
Lord Felix: Hey Sir James, where we're going I swear my nerves are showing.
Sir James: Don't set your hopes up way too high- the living's in the way I drive.
MeOne: They art following us, Sir James.
Sir James: Not for long, I assure ye!
(Ye guards’ carriage pursues them through the streets of Dubrovnik, Sir James managing to stay ahead.)
Lord Felix: Sir James, mayhap thou hast a boon from thine Wizard which would help us out here?
Sir James: Aye, but ‘tis in mine own carriage.
Lord Felix: Then allow me...
(Lord Felix doth produce a firecracker from his doublet, sets it alight, then throws it at ye pursuing carriage. The firecracker explodes, and ye varlets’ carriage ist sent crashing into a nearby building.)
MeOne: Well done! But, Sir James, watch out for yon man with green trainers!
Sir James: What? (Thump.)
MeOne: Too late....

Act 4, Scene 1. Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory. Sir James ist greeted by William of Tanner.

Tanner: ‘Tis good to see ye, Sir James. Maid Moneypenny ist so concerned, she has her worry balls out!
Sir James: Really, how long did she have them in for?
Tanner: I neglected to ask...
Maid Moneypenny: Sir James, thou art safe! ...er... I mean, I do hope thou hast brought me something back from thine trip.
Sir James: Only mine heart for thee, fair Moneypenny, for thou knowest I never look at another woman.
(Enter MeOne.)
MeOne: Sir James, time ist of ye essence!
Maid Moneypenny: (Frostily.) Sir Gareth willst see thee now.
Sir Gareth: So, Naught Naught Seven, thou hast heard tell that ye Comte de Blofeld hast schemes involving ye Olympic Games?
Sir James: Aye, mine liege, thou I know not what these plans may be.
Sir Gareth: Thou knowest that Her Majesty hast stated her intent to attend these games and present ye medals?
Sir James: Of this I had not heard tell- we must ensure that she ist not in danger. Canst thou ask her not to be present?
Sir Gareth: Nay, she ist very firm on this.
Sir James: Then we most certainly have a job to do.

Act 4, Scene 4. Ye Olympic Games in London. Her Majesty doth observe as ye teams march past. Sir James and Lord Felix look on from a vantage point.

Lord Felix: All seems to be in order so far.
Sir James: Aye... so far.
(Enter MeOne.)
MeOne: I have found nothing out of order, hast thee seen anything?
Sir James: (Looking through telescope.) Nay. Her Majesty ist there, with her son and heir and of course his wife-
Lord Felix and MeOne: Brrr!
Sir James: -and his son and heir, too, and his wife.
Lord Felix: Ist, er, her sister there as well?
Sir James: Nay, Lord Felix, why do you ask?
Lord Felix: Oh, ah, no reason...
MeOne: Look ye, 'tis time for ye first event.
Lord Felix: What ist ye first event, MeOne?
MeOne: 'Tis archery, but with a twist- ye archers art blindfolded!
Lord Felix: Hmm, most interesting.
(Sir James focusses his telescope on ye archers.)
Sir James: What! Ye third archer, his crossbow ist marked with an octopus symbol! This symbol I hast seen before! Quickly, we must go down there!
(They leave their vantage point and run apace over to ye archers. Ye first archer takes aim at his target and hits a bullseye, to roaring applause from ye crowd. Ye second archer tries the same, but misses. Ye third archer begins to take aim, then swivels slowly so that his bow ist pointing straight at her Majesty.)
Lord Felix: We won't make it in time!
Sir James: There ist just one chance... (Sir James shouts to a brigade of the Queen's Guard, all wearing bearskin hats, standing below ye podium on which she stands.) Queen's Guard! Ye archer! Apace!
(Ye guards kneel down, sending their hats scurrying like a pack of trained dogs at ye archer, bringing him down before he can loosen off a shot.)
MeOne: 'Tis amazing!
Sir James: Not too amazing- after all they've been trained to sit on soldiers heads for hours.
ER: Mine most sincere thanks, Sir James, once again thou hast come to my rescue.
Sir James: 'Tis mine duty, and mine honour, Your Majesty.
ER: I prithee, attend at ye Palace tonight so I can thank thee personally.
Sir James: ...but of course, ma'am!
ER: Now forgive me, I must attend to some regal matters. (Exits.)
Lord Felix: Something thou wants to tell us, Sir James...?
Sir James: Why, Lord Felix, surely thou know'est that I am on Her Majesty's secret service!
MeOne: Mayhap she wants to give thee a medal?
Sir James: Mayhap later I can give you one, MeOne?
MeOne: Oh, Sir James!

Act 5, Scene 1. Ye throneroom of Sir Gareth Mallory.

Sir Gareth: 'Twould seem, Naught Naught Seven, that ye attack on Her Majesty was only a diversion.
Sir James: How so, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: While thou wert occupied, ye Comte de Blofeld hast stolen the Swedish Crown Jewels!
Sir James: The fiend! What do yon Crown Jewels look like, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: I believe they are in ye shape of two jewelled golden orbs.
Sir James: Bezants!!!
Sir Garteh: Nay, 'tis true. And to Sweden thou must travel apace, to find yon orbs and slay ye Comte de Blofeld.

Maid Moneypenny: So, where this time Sir James?
Sir James: Why, to Sweden I must go.
Maid Moneypenny: Hmm, I wonder if 'tis true what they say about ye Swedish women...
Sir James: I shalt tell ye on mine return, Moneypenny.
Maid Moneypenny: 'Twould make a change, thou ne'er usually tell me anything. So, Sweden... knowing me, knowing you as Her Majesty's Super Trouper I have a dream you'll take a chance on me?
Sir James: Is that the name of the game?
Maid Moneypenny: If thou hast money, money, money.
Sir James: Oh I do, I do, I do, I do! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uC7uzalG5rU

Act 5, Scene 2. A port in Stockholm. Sir James alights from his ship and ist met by a carriage. From inside a voice hails him.

MeOne: Greetings, Sir James, what took thee so long?
Sir James: ‘Twas a pleasant sail, and I always take my time when taking pleasure.
MeOne: We shalt discuss that later, methinks. Join me, I prithee.
(Sir James enters ye carriage.)
MeOne: Driver, ye Nobel Hotel. And watch out for yon man with green trainers!
Driver: I have missed him, milady.
Sir James: Aye, many do. So, MeOne how didst thou know I would be here?
MeOne: I was told by a trusted and authoritative source.
Sir James: Ye Daily Mail?
MeOne: Nay, I said a trusted and authoritative source. But we have arrived- let us continue this conversation in ye bar of ye hotel, where I have someone I should like ye to meet...
(After Sir James checks in, he and MeOne go to ye hotel bar. A band plays “Good Morning Stockholm Town”.)
MeOne: Over here, Sir James.
(She leads Sir James to a booth where a furtive figure sits, thumbing through parchments of ye sights of Norway.)
Sir James: And who might this be?
MeOne: ‘Tis mine contact here. Mayhap I should say mine latest contact, for there have been three-and-twenty others. This is he who ist called Bond, James Bond.
(On ye stage, an argument hast broken out between ye band and three women dressed in silver. It ist resolved when one of ye women, a blonde, hits ye band's bass player over ye head with a sign saying "Donna & Ye Dynamos".)
Number 24: And thou may simply know me as Number 24. MeOne hast told me that thou do seek ye recently purloined Crown Jewels.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so, but I also do seek for strong reasons of mine own ye Comte de Blofeld.
Number 24: Hmm, ye Comte. I am told ‘twas he who did take ye Jewels. Mine sources hear that he may be found at-
(An arrow doth pierce ye contact before he can utter one more syllable. Sir James spies a man running from ye bar.)
Sir James: MeOne, apace!
(Sir James and MeOne pursue ye assassin. Meanwhile on ye stage, ye women dressed in silver hath begun to sing. Sir James and MeOne burst into ye street.)
MeOne: This way!

(Ye assassin quickly jumps on the back of an old female Norse flower seller, whom he moves away!)
MeOne: Look, Sir James, he hath commandeered an old woman with shawl and headscarf for a piggyback!
Sir James: What?
MeOne: Old Norse women are known for their speed and agility ...... and wolf killing skills.

Sir James: Then two can play’eth at that game of sport.
(Sir James quickly grabs an old woman, offering her a purse of monies...)
Sir James: Old crone- some Krona for the use of thine body?
Old Crone: Oh so much... would that be one at a time or both together? I hath whips and....
Sir James: Nay,I need a piggyback...... apace!!
(Sir James quickly jumps on the old crone's back and gives chase.)
Old Crone: Who we all chasing, boy?
Sir James: An assassin, quick he hath turned left up that stone staircase ...
Old Crone: I know these streets like'eth ye back of my hand- I know a short cut by my third liver spot. We'll head him off at the precipice.
(After much twisting and turning , they find themselves behind the assassin on the rooftops....)
Old Crone: Oh this be grand...
Sir James: (Aside.) Bizarre, if thou asks me... (Aloud.) He's really whipping that old lady hard to get such speed.
Old Crone: True, and that usually costs extra.
Sir James: Be silent, old crone.
(They smash through a window, to see the assassin's old crone fall into a stall of oranges as he jumps onto a passing carriage.)
Sir James: Hold on, old crone, I'm going to get elevated!
Old Crone: ...and here's me thinking ‘twas a short dagger in thine pocket.
(Sir James grabs a church bell rope and swings both him and ye crone up and over a small bridge to land on the assassin's carriage. Sadly ye old crone crashes in to ye side of the carriage and falls on to ye street.)
Old Crone: What are thee doing now?
Sir James: Just changing carriages, ma’am.
(Sir James and ye assassin struggle on top of ye carriage. MeOne pulls out a crossbow and tries to aim at ye assassin but refrains, afraid of hitting Sir James.)
Sir James: Take ye bloody shot!
(MeOne close her eyes and lets ye arrow fly. Ye assassin ist pierced through ye shoulder and falls to the street. Sir James leaps down beside him as MeOne approaches.)
MeOne: Assassin down.
Sir James: That was a better result than ye last time this happened.
Assassin: Thou shalt never make me talk, Sir James!
Sir James: Mayhap aye, mayhap nay- but thou shouldst know that ye longer it takes ye more painful we’ll make it.
Assassin: Oh, in that case thou shalt find ye Comte de Blofeld and ye Crown Jewels in ye penthouse suite of ye Centre Point tower.
Sir James: But that ist in Dubrovnik! ...er... or London!
MeOne: Nay, they art everywhere these days- there ist one not far from here.
Sir James: Then let us go- apace!
(Exit Sir James and MeOne.)
Assassin: ...er... hello? I am still here.... hello? Wounded have I been.... hello...?

Act 5, Scene 3. Above Centre Point tower. In Stockholm. Not Dubrovnik, and most definitely not London. From a hot-air balloon, Sir James and MeOne descend on ropes and enter ye building. Apace, they make their way down a corridor.

Sir James: Hmm, this doth seem most familiar.
MeOne: By this time, everything must seem most familiar to thee!
Sir James: Fair point. ‘Tis most quiet here, too quiet.
MeOne: I’ve got a bad feeling about this....
Sir James: Say that not! Wrong franch-
(Ye floor doth swing under their feet, sending them down into an oubliette where they hit ye floor hard and art knocked out.)

A villain’s lair. Sir James lies bound and unconscious.
Sir James: ....mmm.... ‘tis unbelievable.... more, I prithee, Felix.... (Awakes.) Um! Ye Comte de Blofeld!
Comte: I bid thee greetings, Sir James.... mine brother.
Sir James: Say that not- and where ist MeOne?
Comte: Ah yes, ye beautiful MeOne. 'Tis good that thou art concerned for her.
Sir James: And ye Crown Jewels of Sweden?
Comte: An excellent question, and one which shalt be on ye lips of ye world soon- behold!
(Ye Comte indicates a large needlepoint- not a tapestry, for which such are easily confused- upon ye wall, displaying a map of Europe. Crowns are placed over ye capital cities, all in gold save that over Stockholm which ist black.)
Comte: Ye Swedish Jewels art but ye first. Soon, working from ye Centre Point towers in all ye major cities, I shalt possess all ye Crown Jewels of Europe- mine associate Captain Blood is planning to take thine Queen’s jewels e’en as we speak. There shalt be no alternative but to declare me Emperor!
Sir James: World domination. Same old dream.
Comte: No dream, Naught Naught Seven, soon a reality. Now, thou wert asking about ye most attractive MeOne? Guards!
(Two guards pull Sir James to his feet, cutting ye ropes on his ankles so he can walk but leaving his wrists tied. They follow ye Comte through a door.)
Comte: As you see Sir James, MeOne has been placed in this over sized hour glass, and strapped in securely.
Sir James: Ist an hour glass not filled with sand?
Comte: These are modern times, Sir James. As gin is all the rage, ‘tis gin in the glass! As ye gin falls from above she will be drowned in it, and at the same time the falling gin will lower the minute hand to which my men are tieing you on my copy of one of the faces of Big Ben....... Lowering you into this pit of ex-alcoholic cutthroats and villains, all armed with knives and swords.
Sir James: Why ex-alcoholics, might I ask?
Comte: ‘Tis a community service thing I got roped into, to improve my standing in society. But I shalt not leave thee unarmed Sir James, I will give you a sporting chance.
(The Comte contemptuously places a nail file in to Sir James’ mouth.)
Comte: Ha! Ha! Silence at last. Come, men. we will depart......
(The comte exits with his yeomen as ye gin begins to flow and the minute hand begins its descent....... )
MeOne: What shalt we do, Sir James?
Sir James: Mmphh mmmph mmphhh.
MeOne: Oh, yes, ye nail file ist in thine mouth. Sorry.
(Sir James swings his legs up to hook them on the minute hand and begins to cut at his bindings with the nail file. It seems to take forever but Sir James is thankful for those nights in ye boys boarding school doing favours for the older boys that had given him such a strong gag reflex, breath control and strong neck muscles....... teaching bobbing for apples to the school Hallowe’en sports team. Soon his binding is cut and he leaps onto the floor.)
MeOne: (Shouting .) Good timing, Sir James!
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis what our continental cousins call the rhythm method! Now close your eyes as I shatter the glass.
(Sir James uses the nail file like a punch and shatters the gin-filled hour glass, sending a stream of gin over his head and into the pit of cutthroats. He quickly unstraps MeOne and both head for ye door. Sir James stops by a barrel of honey.)
Sir James: Gin by itself is so uncivilised here, I'll pour this honey in the pit too- it's the "Bees Knees"!
(They leave to the sound of much merriment and singing from the pit.)
MeOne: But what now?
Sir James: To London- methinks we have an appointment to keep.

Act 5, Scene 4. Ye Tower Of London at night. In an innermost chamber, Captain Blood and two varlets creep silently.

Ist Varlet: Brrr! ‘Tis most scary here!
Captain Blood: Hush, fool, lest ye wake ye beefeaters!
1st Varlet: Thine pardon, Captain, for these waxworks do frighten me.
2nd Varlet: Aye, most lifelike they are.
Captain Blood: Naught but children art thee- these art mere figurines of ye Queen’s most noble defenders: Sir Francis Drake, Sir Roger Moore, Sir Walter Raleigh and so on.
2nd Varlet: That one looks like Sir James Bond! No, no, ye shorter one.
Captain Blood: Dost thou not know that ye Comte did slay Sir James in Stockholm? Now, come!
(They move towards a display case housing ye Crown Jewels. Captain Blood uses a gemstone to slice through ye glass and carefully removes ye valuables, placing them into a sack held by ye varlets as ye Comte de Blofeld enters.)
Comte: Hast ye done the deed?
Captain Blood: Aye, they art here.
Comte: Most excellent, I shalt place them here with ye Crown Jewels of Sweden- now, let us depart.
Sir James: I think it not, Comte.
(Ye villains turn in alarm as ye waxwork figure of Sir James Bond comes alive and approaches them, sword in hand.)
1st Varlet: See- I told thee!
Captain Blood: Get him!
(Ye two varlets rush at Sir James, who easily dispatches them before turning to Captain Blood.)
Sir James: ‘Tis thine turn- traitor!
(As Sir James and Captain Blood do battle, ye Comte rushes to escape, leaving ye sack of jewels behind in his haste. Sir James slays ye Captain as MeOne enters, accompanied by William of Tanner.)
Tanner: Thou hast done it again, Sir James, ye Crown Jewels art safe and thou hast slain ye traitor.
Sir James: Aye, but once again ye Comte de Blofeld hast escaped me.
MeOne: ‘Tis certain thou shalt meet him again.
Tanner: And certain am I that Her Majesty will wish to thank ye personally.
Sir James: (Very pale.). ..again?
Tanner: Come, let us replace ye Jewels.
(They replace ye Crown Jewels, and Sir James ist left with ye two great Swedish bezants.)
Sir James: Ye Comte may have gotten away, but at least I now have a title for this adventure...

GOLDENBALLS

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Barbel, Thunderpussy A thank you to Number 24 for the blind archer idea

Barbel · August 2018

YOUNG SIR JAMES

Act 1, Scene 1. Exterior Foxhall Cross Boys school for future young discreet agents of the realm, as carriages arrive depositing boys at the school entrance………

Headmaster M: Quickly now, boys, line up.….. That's it …….. Usual procedure: all boys with parents line up on the left...……… You BOY!!! Bond WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING!!!!!
Young Sir James: Sir?
Headmaster M: My office now boy-I have some news!
(Later, in the headmaster’s office.)
James: ‘Tis truly horrible news sir! How could it happen?
Headmaster M: Simple boy, not enough votes from pupils- that's another year I've lost Education rear of the year! …… To think of all the squats I did for nothing.
James: You had some other news sir?
Headmaster M: Oh? …Oh yes, it seems both your parents are dead, a climbing accident I'm told.
James: Oh that's terrible sir! Where did it happen?
Headmaster M: Well, at the foot of the mountain boy, it's simple physics. Fall from a height and hit the bottom. Now run along to your dorms.
James: Thank'ee sir, I shall leave at once. Might I be allowed a short time to grieve sir?
Headmaster M: I know many of the boys think of me as a crusty old sea dog with no feelings, well nothing could be further from the truth. Of course Young Bond, please take five minutes before lights out. But no blubbing, we're not Italians or French.
James: Might I be permitted the use of the Priest's Hole?
Headmaster M: Nay, we've had to ask Father Handsy to leave for……. um, personal reasons.
James: Thank’ee again sir, and you will let me know if there's any change in my parents condition.

Act 1, Scene 2. Ye great hall. Young Sir James hastens to join his peers, all standing in lines before ye Head of Intelligence, Admiral Godfrey.

Admiral: (Reading from list.) ...Barry, Lord John?
Boy holding trumpet: Here, sir!
Admiral: Blofeld, Ernst Stavro de?
Ernst: That ist COMTE de Blofeld!
Admiral: But of course. Bond, Sir James?

James: Present!
(As ye Admiral drones on, ye boy next to James begins to chat with him.)
Boy: So, thine name ist Bond?
James: Aye, I am he he ist called Bond, James Bond.
Boy: And my name ist Felix, next Lord of Leiter- sent have I been from across ye sea to complete mine education here at Foxhall Cross.
James: Most pleased am I to meet ye!
(Ye Admiral comes to the end of his list.)
Admiral: And Zukovsky, Valentin.
Valentin: (Munching a caviar sandwich.) Here!
Admiral: Now, ye art all here to learn ye secret arts of discretion and thine first class shalt begin in one hour. Present yourselves at Room 001 at that time. Till then thou hast freedom to talk and wander ye school.
(James and Felix wander off, joined by a third boy.)
James: And thou art...?
Boy: William of Tanner, but thou may know me as “Bill”.
Felix: Greetings to thee- I am Felix and this ist James.
James: So, 'twould seem there are only boys at this school, no girls then?
Bill: Why, no, ye girls are across ye lake at the girl's school…"Lady Dench, brain quench for young ladies, of quality and deportment".
James: And ist this far across ye lake?
Felix: Why doth thee ask, James?
James: Oh, just idle curiosity...
Bill: Ah, here we are at ye tuck shop- let us buy some sweetmeats!
(They walk up to ye shop.)
Ernst: Hey, we were here first!
James: Nay, 'twas us.
Ernst: And who might you be?
James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. These are my friends, Felix and Bill.
(Ernst is joined by a boy with an eyepatch and another who keep his hands hidden within ye sleeves of his Oriental robe.)
Ernst: And these art my friends, Emilio and Julius. Thou shalt let us precede thee to ye tuck shop, lest ye suffer greatly.
Felix: I see thou hast brought thine brain trust to greet us.
Ernst: Thou art brave, but on the whole stupid.
James: Well, we can't all be geniuses, can we?
(They do battle, Julius attempting to hit blows with his metal hands, and Ernst and his friends are defeated. James and his friends walk up to ye tuck shop.)
Ernst: Eat thine sweetmeats quickly, Sir James.
James: I intend to, Comte de Blofeld.
(James, Felix and Bill walk off eating their choices. They art approached by a strangely mature looking boy.)
Boy: Thee did stand up to ye school bully! Most impressed am I.
Bill: And what ist thine name?
Boy: I am Tomkinson, pleased to meet ye.

James: Thou art here to study ye arts of discretion, as we art?
Tomkinson: Oh, nay, 'tis my ambition to open a pet shop- I love all animals, especially parrots. Mine favourite ist ye Norwegian Blue- beautiful plumage! See, I have one here.
Felix: But 'tis dead!
Tomkinson: No, no, 'tis resting.
James: He's not resting- hello Mr Parrot!!! (No reaction from ye bird.) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Tomkinson: No, he ist stunned.
James: That ist merely a ripping yarn- come, Felix and Bill, 'tis time for our first class.

Act 1, Scene 3. Room 001. Ye pupils file in and take their seats, their teacher standing at his podium before them. He patiently waits until all have assembled.

Professor Higson: Greetings, all. I am Professor Higson and I shalt be thine instructor in ye art of sending coded messages, a most important part of thine future as agents of discretion. Now, there art hundreds of secret inks but who can tell me what ist ye oldest one in ye world?
(Professor Higson looks expectantly around the room. Eventually, one boy raises his hand.)
Professor Higson: Yes, pray tell.
Boy: Thine own urine?
Professor Higson: Correct! Ye page willst show nothing but held in front of a flame, ye writing shalt come up brown. Well done! Now...
(As ye Professor talks on, James whispers to ye boy.)
James: Most impressive! I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Who art thee?
Boy: Mine name ist Geoffrey Boothroyd.

James: Come, sit with me and mine friends.
Geoffrey: Thine attention I crave. Most attentive I shalt be to ye lore of secret writings, magical gadgets, enchanted carriages and so forth.
Felix: Most pleased I am to meet thee.
Geoffrey: No wish have I to be an agent of discretion- my passion ist in ye creating of those items which shalt aid an agent through his mission.
James: Thine passion? Surely thou dost jest!
Geoffrey: I ne’er jest about my quirk, Sir James.

Act 1, Scene 4. Ye school refectory. The boys line up for food.

Felix: Interesting doublet, Sir James, where were you measured for this?
James: My tailor, Savile Row.
Felix: Is that so? Mine ist a guy in Washington.
Bill: Ah, ye menu. Let me see... I shalt have two faggots, then a spotted dick.
Felix: (Giggling.) For me, ye steak pie with lots of gravy.
Bill: Why art thee laughing, Felix?
James: I shalt explain later, Bill.
Felix: Hmm, I shalt never get used to this British food...
James: I shalt have ye scrambled eggs, with bacon.
(They sit at a table and eat.)
Felix: What does thine father do, Bill?
Bill: He ist in ye army, a Lieutenant Colonel in ye Royal Engineers. I hope to do the same.
Felix: Mine father works in Washington, but his job ist most discreet. And you, James?
James: Alack, both mine parents have died in a climbing accident. Mine aunt shall now look after me.
Felix: Most sad.
James: She resides in a village named Pett Bottom.
(Felix starts giggling again.)
Bill: What subject do we have after lunch?
James: ‘Tis sport, I believe. Mayhap we shalt play cricket?
Felix: ‘Tis my belief they do have an interesting version of yon game here: Stealth Cricket!
James: Stealth Cricket? What ist that?
Felix: Methinks we shalt find out most soon....

Act 1, Scene 4. In the courtyard Professor Horowitz addresses the students.

Professor Horowitz: In keeping with the grand traditions of the school, today we have the Annual Stealth Cricket match. Sometimes it can be over quite quickly, while other times it takes.... forever and a day. All areas of the school are in play. The teams have been chosen, the wickets are in hiding. I expect a good game showing what you have been taught so far, and fair play from both teams.
Ernst: I hath made one change to my team, that new ginger boy who ist here via an education grant.
Professor Horowitz: Who? The one who's always eating cheese?
Ernst: Aye, Red Leicester, so he always carries a cheese cutting wire on him. We call him…. Red Grant.
Professor Horowitz: This is most irregular, young Blofeld, no late changes can be-
Ernst: They can be made. Remember when I first came here how you hated rule breaking? But I have taught you how foolish that was. The change of player is perfectly allowable.
Professor Horowitz: (In a drone voice.) The change of player is perfectly allowable. (Shaking his head clear.) Will thine uncle be commenting on the game as usual?
Ernst: Aye, Henry Blofeld will be giving his comments.
(From the crowd Red Grant moves forward.)
Felix: I hear they used to call him Nashville because of his love of bluegrass music, but it was shortened to Nash.
(Sir James approaches to greet the new boy.)
James: You look very fit, Nash.
Red Grant: Before this match is over, you'll crawl over here and kiss my-
James: Don't believe all thee reads on the privy walls…
Ernst: Come away Grant, save thine anger for the sport!
(Grant cuts a piece of Red Leicester with his cheese wire…)
James: You should have some white lemonade with that, brings out the flavour.
Red Grant: I prefer the red kind.
(Sir James raises an eyebrow at the comment, as Grant drinks from a bottle.)
Ernst: Now gentlemen, to sport!
(In the main hall of the school a number of special guests and professors have gathered to listen to the great Henry Blofeld's commentary on the match.)
Blowers: What a glorious day for the boys to be whacking those balls...…… on willow. As the school's Golden Gun fires, it begins! And young Sir James Bond is the first to bat. He's walking across the courtyard waiting for the first ball to be bowled. Many open windows, it could come from anywhere. For those new to the game, Stealth Cricket or "Stickish" as the boys call it, is played all over the school, on all floors, with runs scored for distance and difficulty and a wicket being one of the shorter, younger boys. A direct hit on one wins the game, if you can find them as they are hidden from sight. There it is- ground floor window, a fast ball……… Oh well played young Sir James, out of the courtyard for a six. But wait- another from the top floor, almost impossible speed from the bowler!
James: How the hell did he get up there so fast?
(James quickly parries the ball away for only a single run. Felix and Bill decide to investigate and run up to the top floor in time to catch Emilio Largo, and question him.)
Blowers: Well played sir, now it's time for a change over as young Francisco Scaramanga comes on the field.
James: Good day, thou hast six chances to reverse the score.
Francisco: I only need one, Sir James.
(James rushes up to join Felix and Bill.)
Bill: James, we've questioned him thoroughly.
James: So I see (As he points at ye damp cloth and water bottles.). What have you learned so far?
Felix: There are two Largo boys! Max who's German and Emilio who's from Brazil.
James: The boy’s from Brazil?
Bill: Aye, like the Forsyth twins Bruce and Frederick from last term.
James: Clever, as they be identical.
Felix: Aye. Well, except for Emilio’s eye patch, white hair and being a foot shorter than Max.
Bill: We've sent for Professor Horowitz and we expect Comte Blofeld will be disqualified and have a smacked bottom before bed time.
(Later in Professor Horowitz’s study, a bent over Ernst is looking out a window as the sounds of cane on bottom can be heard. Through a single tear falling he utters an oath as he watches James walking past.)
Ernst: (Aside.) Let his death be a particularly unpleasant and humiliating one.
(As James passes the yellow school carriage a gloved hand pulls him in.)
Red Grant: Now you're the one on your knees!
James: I keep telling you not to believe what's written on the privy walls, ye Comte de Blofeld writes most of that.
Red Grant: Time to cut you down a slice.
(They do fight with a vengeance, until in a full nelson Grant puts his cheese wire round Sir James's neck...)
Red Grant: Time to get all "choked up”.
(James reaches out an arm to try and reach his school compass in his doublet top pocket, and stabs Grant in the arm with it. Grant screams and releases his grip, allowing James to place the wire around Grant's neck.)
Sir James: You took the words right out of my mouth!
(Sir James kicks Grant out of the school carriage, sending him in to the decorative school fish pond. There many fish had been adapted by wizards over time as defence fish. The biggest of which, "Bruce", is half carp and half Great White Shark...)
Red Grant: I be only a little wet Sir James ……..
(Suddenly from behind him the great fish rises grabbing at Grant who struggles but is steadily pulled under. Sir James's last sight of him, is Grant half in the fish's mouth, spewing up some red lemonade, just as Bill and Felix arrive.)
Bill: Sir James are thee composed once more? Where is Red Grant?
James: As Comte Vito Corleone would say… He sleeps with the fishes.

Act 2, Scene 1. Outside Foxhall Cross, ye pupils assemble before Headmaster M.

Headmaster M: Today, pupils, we shalt pay a courtesy visit to Lady Dench’s school and I expect you all to be on thine best behaviour. We shalt ride by carriage to ye lake, from whence we shall proceed by boat. Now, into ye carriages.
(Ernst and his friends get into one carriage together, rudely elbowing others out of their way. James, Felix and Bill travel with Geoffrey and are joined by Valentin, delayed by his limp.)
James: This sounds interesting, methinks.
Felix: Ye trip or ye girls?
James: Both!
Geoffrey: This carriage ist most fascinating. I fancy that I could make some modifications, if I could give it my undivided attention.
Bill: As long as thou brought it back in one piece.
Geoffrey: Thine attention I crave, Sir James- behold this cleverly-concealed penknife!
James: Looks like a comb to me.
Geoffrey: That ist what I mean by “cleverly-concealed”- lo, just press here and-
James: - a blade emerges! Thou hast surpassed thineself, Geoffrey.
Felix: Aye, it might come in useful.
Geoffrey: Here, conceal it up thine sleeve.
James: Driver, watch out for yon boy with green trainers! (Thump.)
Driver: Too late.
Felix: Do you think we shalt see him again?
Bill: I hope so.
James: Valentin, ‘twould seem that thou hath grown taller since only yesterday- hast thou had a growth spurt?
Valentin: Hm, canst thou not say “hello”, like a normal person?
Felix: Nay, ‘tis true what James says- one day thou may be a giant, or a half-giant anyway.
(They arrive at ye landing where a boat awaits, and line up to board. They art approached by an old gypsy woman selling lucky tarmac.)
Valentin: Hag- rid yourself of thine lucky charms and begone!
(Ye old gypsy runs off as ye boys get onboard. James notices Ernst whispering with his cronies.)
Ernst: (Whispering.).... midnight.... tuck shop... (Notices James standing close.) So, nice day, eh, Emilio? What do you think, fifteen degrees?
Emilio: Better than that- near twenty.

Act 2, Scene 2. On board the ferry crossing the lake, James and the boys find adventure in looking over the ship...

Bill: Look chaps, be that the captain of the vessel?
Felix: Aye, that be Captain Ahabytat.
James: Let us speak with him.
(The boys approach the old bearded sea dog.)
James: Captain Ahabytat, I presume? I like boats, and I want to be a sailor.
Captain: Aye, ‘tis I, Captain of this mighty vessel and legendary whaler, and I also do ladies hairstyles, on the side. My parents wanted me to sell furniture but the call of the sea was too strong. Those big burly men, my mate Starbuck, the beatings, the salty spray in my face...
James: Sounds…… interesting...
Captain: Nay, I loved it.
James: Stories of you chasing that great whale are indeed legendary. Um….. Moby Dick?
Captain: Aye, I had that for a while but the old Apothecary, cured me of it…… damn that shore leave.
Felix: Whatever happened to your crewmate Starbuck?
Captain: Oh, he went off to open a coffee house. ‘Twill never catch on.
(Out of the corner of his eye James spies ye Comte de Blofeld and a few of his companions going to a lower deck.)
Captain: But even these waters hold their mysteries. There be stories of a huge cat that prowls these waters, looking for fish, and I shall have him, that…. Moby Pussy!
Bill: Thank’ee, Captain.
James: Follow me, boys.
(The boys move below to check up on Ernst…. the deck appears in darkness.)
Ernst: Touch it, you can touch it if you want.
James: You see now, boys? Ernst keeps writing things about me on the privy walls, but it's him!
Ernst: Yes James, it was me, it's always been me!
(Candles are lit and the room becomes illuminated to reveal a long table with Ernst at the far end on the table where sits a large rock.)
Ernst: This be a meteorite James, or so the old apothecary tells me. When it crashes from the heavens nothing can stop it, rather like me don't you think?
James: If you mean heavy, a bit thick and covered in pores, then yes.
Ernst: I too am unstoppable. I have decided that a person with your skills could be of use to my organisation: SPECTAR!
James: SPECTAR?
Ernst: Yes, Secret Pupils Entrepreneurial Collective Training And Recruiting.
James: I'm not for hire.
Ernst: I even got Ruby to work for us.
James: My price is far above Ruby's!
Ernst: Then you've come here to die.
James: I'll live to die another day.
(A fight begins between both set of boys. with punches and furniture being thrown at each other, but soon Ernst calls out.)
Ernst: Halt, good fellows, we are coming in to dock- we must away, we need no trouble here, come away with me. We must leave apace, we don't have all the time in the world.
(Ye boys tidy themselves up and stand on deck, ready to disembark.)

Act 2, Scene 3. Interior of ye grand hall of the girls' school. The boys line up as Professor Dame Judi introduces her girls and begins to speak….

Professor Judi: Welcome, boys of Foxhall Cross, to our school. Here, we have many classes for young ladies in ye skills they shalt undoubtedly need when they encounter future agents of discretion, or mayhap become such themselves. Let me present our head girl, Miss Pussy Galore....
(Four girls enter, carrying a kitty litter upon which sits ye most glamorous Miss Pussy Galore.)
Professor Judi: ...who ist our judo champion. Next ist our supreme archery contender, Melina Havelock, and our award-winning horse rider, Jenny Flex.
(Melina displays her archery talents by unerringly firing a shot from her crossbow at the centre of a target. Jenny falls asleep on her horse as she enters.)
Professor Judi: Jenny! Wake up!
(Startled, Jenny awakes and smiles weakly.)
Professor Judi: No more early morning rides for thee.
(James notices Melina looking interestedly at him, and gives her a smile.)
Professor Judi: It is known to many that I hath often enjoyed holding balls of some size here, and today is no exception. We have purchased the time of a local band of minstrels, who will play awhile for our entertainment. So please make merry before the arduous time for nothing but your studies begin.
Pussy Galore: Please show your appreciation for our great headmistress.
(The boys begin the traditional chant………)
Boys: There is nothing like a Dame, nothing in the world, that is anything like a Dame!
(As ye dancing commences, James casually wanders over to ye refreshment table, where Melina and Jenny art serving fruit punch. Jenny goes to serve James but ist elbowed out of ye way by Melina.)
Melina: Some punch, young sir?
James: Aye, let it shaken be but not stirred. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. So, thine name ist Melina, then?
Melina: Aye, art thou interested in archery?
James: Nay, not at all, tis thee I am interested in!
Melina: Why, young Sir James, I had hoped thee would not be so obvious.
James: Well, when one hast little time one sort of has to be obvious. In which room doth thee sleep, Melina?
Melina: ‘Tis not ye sort of question a lady would answer. Room 24, second corridor.
James: Perhaps later, then?
Melina: I should say “maybe”...
James: Later then... maybe.
(Sir James crosses to address Pussy.)
James: So you're the famous Pussy Galore….. I must be dreaming.
Pussy: I could very well be the girl of your dreams, but I have an appointment which cannot wait, so goodbye.
(James watches her cross the room to a set of stairs leading downwards.)
Felix: What you thinking about, brother?
James: About going down…..
Felix: Aye, Pussy has that effect on all the boys.
(James follows the stairs down and comes to a chamber with a door ajar. He creeps up and listens.)
Ernst: Good, we might have been overheard at our own school, but here in the girls' school magazine printing room we shall be quite safe from prying eyes. Gentlemen: Man has made many great achievements. We can send messages over vast distances via arrow, send huge rocks by Trebuchet. In every endeavour except …..
Solo: Medicine!
Ernst: WHAT?
Solo: We have improved everything but not much has improved in Medicine. Bloody hell, the School Apothecary gave me a prescription for two leeches last week for a boil on my bum.
Ernst: Ugh! Where did he stick them?
Solo: Nowhere, I had to suck two every morning!
Ernst: Anyway, back to business. Man hath made many great achievements in many fields except…….
Solo: Speed!
Ernst: What?
Solo: Well we haven't really got any faster for years. One horse power is still the limit of………
Ernst: Can we get back to my plan, please gentlemen? (Aside.) Emilio and Max, please press home my disappointment with Master Solo.
(Solo turns to leave.)
Emilio: Going somewhere, Solo?
Solo: Yes, Emilio. As a matter of fact, I was just going to see your boss. Tell Ernst I won’t interrupt him again.
Max: It's too late. You should have paid attention when you had the chance. Ernst's put a price on your head so large that every boy in the school will be looking for you. I'm lucky I found you first.
Solo: Tell Ernst...
Emilio: Ernst's through with you. He has no time for boys who interrupt him at the first sign of a chance.
Solo: Over my dead body.
Max: That's the idea. I've been looking forward to this for a long time.
Solo: Yes, I'll bet you have.
(James hears a scuffle, and through a crack in the door sees Solo being pushed into the printing machine which crushes him in print, as it lifts up he sees that across Solo's face is printed "Out Of Order".)
James: (Aside.) Talk about a pressing engagement...
Ernst: Now, do I have to press anyone else for an opinion? ….No? ….Didn't think so.
(James moves a little to get a better view of the room.)
Ernst: We have had an amicable arrangement at school, I provide some home comforts which you sell on my behalf, and we all make a handsome profit. Tonight I will lay out my most audacious plan yet.… The entire contents of the school tuck shop, not just a few sweetbreads, or sherbets but everything!
(Suddenly James is pushed roughly into the room.)
Pussy: He was listening outside.
Ernst: Was he indeed? ‘Tis of no matter- soon he won’t be able to tell anyone anything. Leave us gentlemen so I may speak with young Bond.
(The others shuffle from the room, but one large Asian boy remains.)
Ernst: Please excuse my friend, James, he is an admirable assistant but mute. He helps out around the school and cleans out the latrines, so is known as Oddjobby.
Oddjobby: Ah-har!
Ernst: Sit down James. What do you think of my little plan, can you appreciate the grandness of my vision?
James: Sounds impossible, you'll have about fifteen minutes before the school yeomanry move in and make you put it all back.
Ernst: (Laughing.) Who mentioned anything about removing it?
James: (Frowning.) You plan to break into the school’s largest sweet store and not steal anything? But why?
Pussy: Nice to see you don't know everything James.
Ernst: I hath been stockpiling my own formula of horrendous stink bomb, it is small but particularly dirty. I have tried 23 formulas before this, but Number 24 is the most potent!
Pussy: ‘Tis lethal.
James: But of course! ‘Twill render all the stock useless, unsaleable……… I'm guessing you've also been stockpiling your own supply of sweetbreads and sherbet.
Ernst: Very good James, I have indeed, and soon I expect to recoup my investment tenfold. But now you have distracted me enough. Oddjobby- find somewhere to lock up James then meet up with all of us later.

Act 2, Scene 4. An easily escapable chamber. Oddjobby ties James to ye wall and departs.

James: Fiend! Come back!
(After a few moments, James figures out that he ist being left alone.)
James: Hmm, now what was it Geoffrey did say...?
(James manages to free ye comb from his sleeve and presses where Geoffrey had shown him. Ye blade emerges, and he manages to cut through his ropes and free himself.)
James: Now, let’s get out of here!
(James climbs back up ye stairs and finds that ye great hall ist empty.)
James: Heavens, how long was I down there? I must make for ye boat!
(James runs out of ye school and heads to ye landing, only to see the boat in the distance.)
James: I must find a way to get back to Foxhall Cross, apace, to foil Ernst de Blofeld’s nefarious plans- but how? ....Melina...
(James runs back to ye girls’ school, and heads straight to ye second corridor.)
James: Let me see... Number 23... aha, Number 24!
(James knocks softly on ye door.)
Melina: Yes?
(James quietly enters Melina’s room.)
Melina: Thou dost presume a great deal, James.
James: Wouldst thine feelings be greatly hurt if I were to say that ist not what I came for?
Melina: No? What do thee want then?
James: Ye boat back to mine school hast departed and ‘tis most important that I return there apace.
Melina: I see. And you figured you could charm ye knowledge out of me.
James: No. That wasn't my plan.
Melina: I do not expect thee to understand- thou art English.
James: Scots/Swiss actually, but many make that mistake.
Melina: Well, I suppose my co-operation could have a price.
James: You don’t mean... oh, no...
Melina: Oh yes!

Act 2, Scene 5. Ye shore of ye lake. Melina leads James to a secluded cove, where a canoe ist brosnaned, er, moored.

James: So, a canoe! To whom does it belong, Melina?
Girl: (Off.) ‘Tis mine.
(James watches as a most comely wench arises from ye water and walks towards them.)
Girl: What art thee doing here, looking for shells?
James: Nay, I am just looking.
Melina: This is he who is called Bond, James Bond. James, say hello to Honey.
James: I can assure thee mine intentions art strictly honourable.
Melina: Honey, young Sir James hast missed ye boat back to Foxhall Cross and ‘tis most important he return apace. Canst thou help?
Honey: But of course- get in ye boat, James, and I shalt take thee across. Melina, thou canst wait here.
Melina: (Eyes narrowed.) No fear, I shalt come too.
Honey: As thou wish. Cast off! Melina, fetch my shoes.
Melina: The Jimmy Choo's or the Gucci's?
Honey: Good question. The Jimmy Choo's have a lower heel, but the Gucci's feel more sailor in style, what do you think?
Melina: Honestly, I love the Gucci's- only last week I….
James: Sorry, ladies, but could you hasten thine speed? I do have to stop an attack.
(They set out on ye lake.)
James: Good, we have a couple of stout oars?
Honey: Are you saying we're fat?
James: Nay, I see them now. (Picking up the two short oars.)
Honey: Oh, I see.
James: Rollocks!
Melina: Pardon, James???
James: I hath no rollocks!
Melina: Sorry to hear that James…. a sporting injury perhaps?
Honey: Nay- these! (She hands across the oar holders.) Just pop them in the holes there.
(James begin rowing, as the girls look at his impressive shoulders.)
James: (Looking skyward.) I can see a wishing star near Uranus.
Honey: Thank ye James, but many have wished to be near my…
Melina: Don't be silly Honey, James has to focus.
Honey: What, both of us?
Melina: Focus on navigating by the stars. I remember my Uncle Harry used to be a pirate- during a raid he asked "Where's me Buccaneers?”
Honey: Well, where were they?
James: On the side of his Bucken Head! (James scowls, becoming irritated.) Can we proceed apace in silence, ladies?
Melina: Have you any friends, James, so we and our girlfriends could meet up?
Melina: Oh that would be fun, we could all meet at the local town grocery store.
Honey: Yes, the one where that boy was attacked by the bear.
Melina: Yes, The "Maul".
James: (Rolling his eyes.) Avast Behind!
Honey: "Vast"? You do think my bum looks big in this?
James: Nay ladies, tis simply a nautical term meaning…… Shut the hell up!
Melina: James we be’eth not feckless.
Honey: True, we do give a feck.
(They approach the other shore.)
James: I cannot thank thee both enough- now I must make speed back to mine school.
Honey: It has been a most interesting trip, I hope I shalt see thee again.
James: Another time, another place.
Melina: Au revoir, James, but not farewell.
(James leaps from ye canoe and heads quickly back to Foxhall Cross.)

Act 2, Scene 6. Ye boys dormitory. James crosses to ye bed of Felix.

James: (Softly.) Felix? Wake up, Felix.
Felix: (Asleep.)... oh yes please... I would love that... James... (Awakes.) Oh! James! ‘Tis really thee!
James: Thine help I need, Felix, and apace- Ernst hast a scheme which we must avert.
Felix: Now? ‘Tis almost midnight!
James: Exactly. Let us awaken Bill and I shalt explain.
(Later, at ye tuck shop...)
Ernst: Once there was a dream, now there ist reality. Julius, place ye stink bomb in ye midst of yon sweetmeats. Emilio, watch ye door.
(Enter James, Felix and Bill.)
James: I think it not, Comte de Blofeld.
Ernst: Bond! Thou art too late, methinks.
(Emilio throws a harpoon at James, who ducks out of its way. Felix avoids ye hands of Julius, thrusting him into a pile of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans, while Bill grabs Emilio from behind. Ernst and James struggle together, James emerging victorious but injured as Professor Higson enters.)
Professor Higson: What ist happening here? Hast thee all got some kind of blood fever?
James: Nay, Professor- let me explain...

Act 2, Scene 7. Outside Foxhall Cross. Ye sounds of Ernst, Julius and Emilio being soundly caned doth echo across ye courtyard.

Bill: So, James, thou hast thwarted ye plans of Ernst de Blofeld.
James: (Arm in a sling.) Aye, for ye moment.
Felix: Methinks he willst have learned his lesson and never trouble us again.
James: Never sayest thou never again, Lord Felix...
(From off a cry ist heard.)
Melina: James!
(Melina, Honey, Jenny, and a crowd of others from the girls’ school push Felix and Bill out of the way to get to James.)
Honey: Oh, James, you’re hurt! Let me kiss it better!
Melina: No, me, I shalt do that!
(Ye girls swamp James, and all fall to the ground in a tangle of arms and legs.)
Bill: I don’t see Pussy Galore.
Felix: Thou must give me the name of thine oculist....

(Exeunt Omnes.)

Thunderpussy, Barbel

Barbel · June 2019

Never Say Mango Again Part One

Act 1, Scene 1. A secluded beach hut. The undertaker's wind blows softly. Sir James and Maid Madeleine lie in bed.

Maid Madeleine: Oh, Sir James, the life this most surely ist.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so. (They kiss.) Mmmm...
Maid Madeleine: Is that the undertaker's wind?
Sir James: Nay, 'tis just those beans I had for dinner.
Maid Madeleine: I didst warn thee about that.
Sir James: Thine love doth eclipse all others.
Maid Madeleine: And we have all the time in-
Sir James: Hush now, do not say these words!
(There ist a knock on ye door. Enter Lord Felix.)
Maid Madeleine: Careful, that door is broken. It has caused many a shatter'd hand.
Lord Felix: Entering your manor is seldom without risico, Sir James.
Sir James: Lord Felix! Most pleased I am to see thee.
Lord Felix: Greetings, Sir James, I take it thou art rested and relaxed?
Sir James: Aye, I am glad to say you are Wright.

Lord Felix: Many are glad that I am Wright.
Maid Madeleine: I hope thou did not take note of our modest garden. Nothing will grow there- 'tis truly a garden of death.
Sir James: Only last month our gardener Hildebrand was a rarity in these parts. Now he has become a regular Death Collector of our plants. But what brings you here, Lord Felix?
Lord Felix: I have come to ask for thine help with a most important matter. An alchemist of great renown has gone missing, and I request thine help in finding him.
Sir James: Nay, I would rather slit my wrists.
Lord Felix: I do not believe thou means that.
Sir James: Hmmm...
Maid Madeleine: Nay! Thou must stay here with me!
Sir James: 'Twill not take long, my love, and then we shalt have all the time in the-
Maid Madeleine: Hush!!! Do not say those words!
Sir James: Ask me not to join thee, Lord Felix, for here I have finally found a reason to live. I do not need a reason to die.
Lord Felix: Forgive my asking, but you're my best friend- now that you are retired, Sir James, have you been given a new title from Her Majesty?
Sir James: I am still waiting for a new title. Only days ago was there a ceremony held at old Sir Ian's manor. All believed my new title would be announced. Alas two new Ladies in Waiting was all that was revealed. Still, God save the Queen.
Maid Madeleine: Both Sir James and I were present. Sir James likes to attend ceremonies where young ladies are uncovered.
Lord Felix: No change there, then. Shall we go?
Maid Madeleine: Sir James- keep yourself alive.
Sir James: Of course- don't stop me now.

Intermission. A known performer sings as unclad maidens dance, until they art chased off by angry MeToo protestors.

Act 2, Scene 1. Sir James and Lord Felix take their leave of Maid Madeleine.

Lord Felix: Come, Sir James, let us use my chariot.
Sir James: Very nice it is too.
(They get into Lord Felix's chariot.)
Sir James: Most comfortable.
Lord Felix: Aye, I’m in love with my chariot. It roves about ye land extremely well.
Sir James: Tell me more about thine alchemist.
Lord Felix: It seems he hath disappeared in a flash.
Sir James: Aha!
Lord Felix: Whence he hath gone, no-one knows, though some suspect ‘twas westward.
Sir James: Westworld?
Lord Felix: Where I hath lately been languishing? Nay, Sir James – towards Bohemia, I suspect, under wraps...
Sir James: A Bohemian wraps story, eh? I wish’t I couldst help thee, Lord Felix, but mine licence I hath revoked, as I am wont to do once every 20 years or so.
Lord Felix: (Puzzled.) But what if thou wanted to drive a chariot?
Sir James: Nay, I am speaking of the licence that gives me the freedom to kill in more ways than just with a chariot. Mayhap I couldst consult mine former wizard, though, for insight. I believe’eth he must be nearing completion repairing my chariot. Which he also is wont to do every four or five years or so, every time another one bites the dust.
Lord Felix: 'Tis my belief that we art being followed - wait, we hath two followers!
Sir James: Two? The one on the left- with the spyglass, who for some reason ist dressed identically to me, hath followed me for as long as I can recall.
Lord Felix: Aha! That would be Sir David, a fellow colonial I believe. He follows you most keenly, Sir James.
Sir James: Nay, not him- look there!
(A chariot bristling with varlets appears behind them, chasing their chariot through ye town.)
Sir James: Make haste, good Felix, we hath trouble in the rear.
Lord Felix: The island beans kicking in again, eh?
Sir James: Nay, varlets and knaves by the chariot full!
(Lord Felix glances down at the vanity mirror, seeing the approaching chariot and catching a glimpse of an incredibly good looking stunt knight passing by.)
Lord Felix: Sir James, there be'eth a knight who doth look like you but "hunkier" than thee?
Sir James: Aye, tell me about it! That bloody Daily Mail never gives me a break. Hey, Felix, watch out for yon man with green trainers!
Lord Felix: What? (Thump.)
Sir James: Never mind....
(Several arrows whizz past their heads, as Lord Felix pulls his carriage out in to the path of other chariots and wagons, to much shouting and neighing of horses...)
Sir James: With that manoeuvre, you've proved we are the champions- now to the left after that group of fat bottomed girls.
Lord Felix: That may be sexist Sir James?
Sir James: Oh nay, for I hath included all the ladies and not singled one out.
(Sir James waves at the ladies.)
Ladies: Oh Sir James, you coming around later?
Sir James: Nay, good ladies, too much love will kill you.
(Lord Felix spins the carriage to the left and they descend down a cobbled hill.)
Lord Felix: I hath never come this way before.
Sir James: Oh, I've made use of the odd back passage from time to time. This will take us to the docks, where can lose our pursuers and...
(Several more arrows whizz by them.)
Sir James: ...pick up some soft shell crabs. I am sick of crab paste.
Lord Felix: (Puzzled.) Crab paste? Which fishmonger supplies that?
Sir James: Fishmonger? Nay, from the local apothecary.... Now, to the right, to the right!
Lord Felix: Do you have that little itch again...…? Down there?
(Turning sharply, they enter the harbour area.)
Sir James: Now make haste up that hill, so when we release the horses, we can ram them! Prepare to expose your weapon, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: What, here? In front of all these people? Oh, I see- you mean my sword.
(He pulls out the pin to release the horses. Ye chariot rolls back with Sir James and Lord Felix swinging their swords and shouting "Have at you Sirs". Shocked, the knaves try and pull up but crash into a shop selling gunpowder and flints, exploding high into the sky... Lord Felix tries to jump from the chariot and fight on foot, but Sir James pulls him back.)
Lord Felix: Don't stop me now, I’m having such a good time.
Sir James: We may have a bigger problem- look!
(Ye chariot crashes through a gangplank and lands on a flat fishing barge.)
Lord Felix: You seem to be back in the navy, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, I've missed the rum, the lash and the....
Lord Felix: (Hastily.) I can imagine what you've missed,
Sir James: I was about to say the opportunities for travel.
Lord Felix: But of course.
Sir James: Oh look what ist here- soft shell crabs.
(As they float away, several knaves begin falling back in to the sea...)

(Later, Sir James is by a boat dock holding a strange weapon ... )
Sir James: My, ye Young Wizard has outdone himself, who would think a carved leg from the old desk of Sir Miles and the stout elastic of a pair of Maid Moneypenny's under garments, could make such a weapon? Now....... "Lets go fishing!”
(Sir James wanders to the water and waits for a passing fish. Lord Felix enters.)
Lord Felix: What are you doing, Sir James? And watch out for falling mangos from that coconut tree!
Sir James: Trying to catch a grouper!
Lord Felix: The knave, hurts the island's tourist trade ...
Sir James: ‘Tis a fish, Lord Felix, and here one comes...
(Sir James doth shoot the weapon and a spear flies out impaling the fish, which he carries ashore.)
Lord Felix: Wonderful, can you catch chips with that too?
(Sir James begins preparing the fish as a cat passes by.)
Sir James: Here have these, and these......
(The feline eagerly eats the offerings.)
Lord Felix: None of the best bits, I trust.
Sir James: He had lots of guts.

Act 2, Scene 2. A secluded hut by a non-descript lake in a non-descript pine forest. 'Tis winter. A young maiden sits by a white canvas, using white paint to capture the snow white landscape.

Young Maiden: Pray tell, where am I? Spain, Australia, India or even worse- Norway? I wish I was better at geography. Everyone speaks only English, but no man can tell this place from any other wintery land! (Sighs.) And where are my parents? Who are my parents? Why are my parents? And how doth Sir Nicholas of Cage still get parts in plays? (Sighs again.) The Pale King, perchance? Not the man made of ice leading an army of undead from the far North beyond the wall. Nay, the scary one. Perhaps Maid Madeleine and Sir James, who is such an irresponsible father he didn't even meet my mother until I was a child aged seven? Or Naught, Naught Seven as Sir James jokes in his Dad jokes way. Perchance Sir Malek, who has such a disturbing manner he can scare people away by simply stating what he likes?Although he does enjoy a good sing along. Oh I want to break free and find someone to love. (She sighs yet again.) Who am I? There are more questions in heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Or in the SABS tavern Quiz.
(A man dressed in white, wearing a coat and wielding a battle axe, enters.)
Young Maiden: Who art thou, mine father? ... a canvasser for the EU elections? Or mayhap ye Phantom of ye Opera?
Masked Knave: Nay! Kidnap or slay?
Young Maiden: Is this the custom of Halloween in this curse'd land?
(Ye Masked Knave raises the axe. The Young Maiden runs and the Knave runs after her.)
Young Maiden: I must be in Norway. If only I can find something to break his kneecaps, like they do in figure skating. Like the Lady Tonya Harding, she takes some beating, .... and gives them out too.
(Ye Knave swings the axe and almost cuts ye Young Maiden's head off.)
Young Maiden: He has a powerful weapon, He charges, ....... again! I have seen that axe before, in ye Pale King's dungeon. The king must be my father- and he really cares!
(Ye Young Maiden smiles and sprints faster with great optimism.)
Young Maiden: I spy a snowman on the ice. I've heard they made The Snowman in Norway and t'was a calamity, but it may be my salvation. For where there be a snowman, there be snowballs I could throw!
(Ye Maiden turns to the Knave and points behind him.)
Young Maiden: Behold, good sir! The Lord of the Treasury is handing out silver to those with the biggest Chopper!
(Ye Knave turns, the Maiden hides behind the snowman. She throws the snowballs at the Knave,as he falls. He crashes through the ice, only his axe stopping him from completely sinking. The Maiden runs to him, grabbing at his Chopper..... )
Young Maiden: Let it go, let it go!
Knave: I'm under pressure, I want to break free.
Young Maiden: Who wants to live forever?
(His hands slip from the axe and he sinks below the water. A pair of green trainers float to the top as his body sinks.)
Young Maiden: (In disgust.) I hath seen little horrors in this world, but I hope there be a place in Hades for anyone who wouldst do such crimes against fashion and good taste!

Act 2, Scene 3. Sir James and Lord Felix approach a small dwelling.

Lord Felix: So, this is where thine Young Wizard doth dwell?
Sir James: Aye, at least it used to be- it has been some time.
(Sir James knocks on ye door. After a moment, ye Young Wizard appears with a few cats at his feet.)
Sir James: I bid thee greetings, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Naught Naught Sev- I mean, Sir James! Most surprised I am to see thee.
Sir James: Thou know’est mine friend, Felix Lord of Leiter?
Lord Felix: A good day to thee.
Young Wizard: Of thee I have heard, thou never we have met. I prithee, do enter.
(All go into a room, surrounded by cats. Sir James looks around at ye shelves containing crystal balls, strange gadgets, and many other items.)
Lord Felix: Thou do seem to like cats, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Aye, pussies galore.
Lord Felix: How many art here?
Young Wizard: Why, I do have eight of them.
Sir James: I feel that there is a pun I should make here, though I shall struggle mightily to avoid doing so. (He looks around.) Ah, I see thee still uses the trusty PP7 sword?
Young Wizard: Verily Sir James, it hath a delivery like a brick through a stained glass window.
Sir James: So ye hath not felt ye need to upgradeth?
Young Wizard: The PP8 was too long to conceal in a convenient pocket.
Sir James: Um, With that sign there I thought thee hath made some new arrangements. Doth it not state "PP9"?
Young Wizard: Nay, Sir James. That be'eth a sign to let our Germanic colleagues knoweth that our privy is not working.
Lord Felix: What ist this here, Young Wizard? (He points to a small bear wearing a hat and duffel coat, carrying a battered briefcase.)
Young Wizard: ...Er, that ist for a friend ....Er... Now, what doth bring thee to mine abode, Sir James? For thou art not active in the service of Sir Gareth Mallory.
Sir James: Lord Felix doth bid me join him in a quest and I have come to seek thine help as in days of old. Mayhap an enchanted chariot, or a sword which can only be wielded by me?
Young Wizard: A private endeavour, not ordered from above?
Sir James: Aye, for Sir Mallory knows not of this.
Maid Moneypenny: (Off.) Of that I would not be so sure, Sir James.
(Maid Moneypenny opens ye door, holding it open for Sir Mallory to enter.)
Sir Mallory: We do function in thine absence, Sir James.
Sir James: Greetings, mine liege.
Sir Mallory: One moment- Tanner!
(William of Tanner enters, followed by Freddie, Velma, Daphne and Shaggy.)
Sir Mallory: Now, Sir James- an account I demand of thee.
Sir James: I know'est nothing of that account in the Cayman Islands, mine liege!
Sir Mallory: So thou hast told me- that money was simply resting in your account, you said. Now, tell me what thou art up to.
Sir James: Well, sire, as thou doth know’est I was in Jamaica.
Sir Mallory: (Grumpily.) Aye, beautiful Jamaica. Most lovely it must be- or so I am told for there I was not invited, er, have not been.
Maid Moneypenny: Oh, ‘tis indeed most lovely there mine liege! I didst have a fantastic time-
Sir Mallory: Enough, Maid Moneypenny! Continue, Sir James.
Lord Felix: With thine permission, Sir Mallory, let me explain. I have been charged to find a missing alchemist, and I have asked Sir James to accompany me on mine task.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir Mallory: A missing alchemist, eh? What makes thee think that we have not been engaged upon the very same task?
Sir James: Well, sire..
Lord Felix: Ah, you see..
Sir Mallory: Enough. Both of you shalt come back with me. I have assigned our best agent to undertake this task.
Sir James: (Bristling suspiciously.) Thine best agent?
Sir Mallory: Aye. Sir James, I do believe ‘tis time for thee to meet Naught Naught Seven…
(Lord Felix picks Sir James's jaw up from ye floor and re-attaches it to his face.)

(To Be Continued...)

AJB presents William Shakespeare's James Bond in...

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