1964. Pinewood Studios. Guy Hamilton walks into the editing suite where Peter Hunt is gluing strips of film together.
Guy: Hi Peter, how’s things?
Peter: Ah, Guy. I’m struggling with this, I don’t mind telling you.
Guy: How do you mean?
Peter: Right after the titles, we’re in Miami, right?
Guy: Sure.
Peter: And Bond is being massaged by this blonde.
Guy: Dink, yes.
Peter: Well, he’s got no hair on his back.
Guy: Damn right he hasn’t. We had to shave his back for that scene- Sean has a lot of body hair.
Peter: You should also have shaved his back for the bed scene with Jill shortly after, then.
Guy: Ah, we shot that first. Hadn’t shaved him then. Don’t worry, nobody’s going to be looking at his back, there’s much better things to focus on in that scene!
Peter: Yes, well, do you also realise that being totally covered in gold paint won’t kill a person?
Guy: That comes straight from the book!
Peter: Fleming got it wrong. It won’t kill you.
Guy: Nobody’s going to know that.
Peter: All right, then, about the scene where Oddjob crushes the golf ball?
Guy: Ah, hold on, Peter, I know what you’re going to say.
Peter: You do?
Guy: Yes, Sean never stopped complaining about it. “Can’t be done”, he said, “it’sh physhically imposhible”.
Peter: Well he was right. It is. Doesn't matter how strong he is.
Guy: Just let it go.
Peter: If you say so. You have noticed that once they get to Switzerland he’s sometimes driving on the left and sometimes driving on the right?
Guy: Yes, but viewers won’t notice and if they notice they won’t care.
Peter: (Sighing.) Okay… when Oddjob kills Tilly with his hat.
Guy: What about it?
Peter: When Bond goes over to her you can see her breathing.
Guy: You think we should have really killed her?
Peter: Maybe, her acting was terrible!
Guy: Look, Janet Leigh was really good in “Psycho”, wasn’t she?
Peter: Of course.
Guy: Once she’s dead you can see her breathing, too!
Peter: You can?
Guy: If it’s good enough for Hitchcock it’s good enough for me.
Peter: Well, there’s the scene where-
Guy: Enough, Peter. Just remember- one day you’ll be directing a Bond movie yourself and your editor will point out your mistakes, too…
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,754Chief of Staff
Bugger…I’ve watched Goldfinger all my life and not noticed some of those 🤯…ah well, I know what I’m watching this weekend 🤗🤣
Monday- I was very nervous today, because we were shooting my nude shower scene. I asked if this was absolutely essential for the film and Cubby told me not to worry, because only the essential crew would be there, like him. And Guy. And Roger. And Christopher. And Herve. And obviously the cameraman. And his two assistants. And the soundman. And his three assistants. And Ken Adam. And Sheriff Pepper. And John Barry. And Don Black. And….
-------------------------------------------------
Tuesday- A nice relaxing day today. I was introduced to a pleasant man, and shook hands with him. I have no idea who he was.
Wednesday- Today I was watching a baby elephant push Sheriff Pepper into the river. It was very funny, especially because the Sheriff kept talking and I did not understand one word that he was saying.
---------------------------------------------
Thursday- A love scene with Scaramanga. I had to act all uninterested because I had just been making love with James Bond not long before. Scaramanga got very annoyed and tried to turn me on by rubbing his powerful weapon over my face. Perhaps if he had tried biting my neck I might have been more into things?
-----------------------------------------------
Friday- It has been very nice working on this James Bond film. I only wish that my time was not coming to an end soon, or perhaps that I could be in the next one as well. However I get shot and killed so that is that and I definitely won’t be back again.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,754Chief of Staff
1987. A yacht in the Medit…Medi… Big Warm Sea. A dazzlingly beautiful brunette called Linda has had her phone call to her friend, Margo, interrupted by James Bond who takes her phone and makes a call of his own.
Bond: Exercise Control, 007 here. I’ll report in an hour.
Linda: (Holding out a glass invitingly.) Won’t you join me?
Bond: (Straight to camera.) This often happened to the other fella.
John Glen: Cut!
(Our perspective changes, and we see we are on a film set. The enraged director is stomping towards a relaxed Timothy Dalton.)
John: Tim, what the hell are you doing???
Timothy: Well, you told me to be less serious and have some fun with the part.
John: Yes, I know, but-
Timothy: So I decided to adapt a line from one of my predecessors which I know got a good laugh at the time.
John: Yes, Tim, at the time. It could be seen as being appropriate back then, since it was being said by the guy-
Timothy: Fella.
John: All right, it was being said by the fella who had replaced Sean Connery but that was nearly twenty years ago and you have three other fellas before you.
Timothy: Oh, right.
John: Do you see what I mean?
Timothy: Yes, John, I’m sorry. I won’t say that again.
John: All right then. Action!
(John backs out of the scene.)
Bond: Mission Control, 007 here. I’ll report in an hour.
Linda: (Holding out a glass invitingly.) Won’t you join me?
Bond: Yesh, there’sh shomething I’d like you to get off your chesht.
John: Cut!
(John walks over incredulously from his position beside the camera.)
Timothy: Something wrong, John?
John: Something wrong? When exactly did I ask you to do lines from Connery films in what I have to say is a pretty poor impression of his voice?
Timothy: Well, you said not to do George La-
John: I know what I said! Now, one more try, and Tim?
Timothy: Yes, John?
John: Get it right this time!!!! Now…action!
(John walks over to the camera.)
Bond: Mission Control, 007 here. I’ll report in an hour.
Linda: (Holding out glass invitingly.) Won’t you join me?
Bond: (Raising one eyebrow.) Absolutely. There’s no sense in going off half-cocked.
John: (Never mind half-cocked, he’s half-screaming by now.) Cut!
(This time John heads away from the camera.)
Timothy: John? Where are you going?
John: Off to see Cubby. See if he can’t talk Roger into coming back.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,754Chief of Staff
edited May 4
“The Funny Side of Timothy Dalton aged 41 1/2” 🤣🤣🤣
N24, you are quite right. The idea of Dalton ad-libbing is the imaginary part here; of all the Bond actors, he's the least likely to which gave me the Idea. Moore, of course, was the most likely to ad-lib.
I think Dalton's reputation for being humourless is unfair. His Bond was of course more serious than especially MooreBond that came before, but he delivers some sharp and funny lines that reminds me of Craig. After Bond some of his best roles were funny, such as Hot Fuzz, Toy Story, Chuck and Looney Tunes. The man can do funny!
1962. Senor Lazar’s establishment, Macao. A man enters, bypassing a family eating outside.
Lazar: Good day, my friend. What brings you here?
Man: Senor Lazar?
Lazar: That is me.
Man: I am told you are the man to see about acquiring …. certain items.
Lazar: I may be. What did you have in mind?
Man: I am seeking an automatic pistol.
Lazar: I see. Can you give me further details?
Man: It has to have a delivery like a brick through a plate glass window.
Lazar: Hmm, many such items can be said to possess this ability.
Man: It must also be able to fire continuously when the user is beset by endless henchmen of a world-threatening madman.
Lazar: (Raises eyebrows.) Without being reloaded?
Man: Without apparently being reloaded, anyway.
Lazar: That may be a little more difficult. Anything else?
Man: Yes, it must be able to bring down a flying helicopter with a single bullet.
Lazar: (Now astonished.) Do you think that is likely to be needed?
Man: Perhaps not immediately, but certainly eventually.
Lazar: A difficult task. Has this weapon to possess any other, shall we say, unexpected features?
Man: It must be invisible when worn in a shoulder holster under tailored suits, some of which are unfeasibly tight.
Lazar: May I suggest a Beretta?
Man: (Scoffs.) Ladies’ gun? I think not. It must also be able to pass through customs undetected, no matter where the user of said firearm happens to be at any particular moment.
Lazar: You realise that you are asking a lot of one weapon?
Man: I do. I also realise that you are the one man in the world who may be able to supply or recommend such a weapon.
Lazar: How soon do you need it?
Man: As soon as possible.
Lazar: I shall have it sent on to you. May I have the address?
Man: Certainly. Now, pay attention- please forward it to: Major Boothroyd, c/o Universal Export, London.
Lazar: (Writing.) I shall have it with you once it is ready.
2024. A Job Centre in London. Neal Purvis and Robert Wade sit waiting for their names to be called.
Purvis: (Looking around.) I would have thought these places would have changed in the God knows how many years it’s been since we were last in one.
Wade: You’re dreaming, Neal. All those years of the Tories, all that (Makes air quotes.) “austerity” – no money spent on essential services.
Purvis: It’s been so long since we’ve done any real work.
Wade: I know.
Purvis: I mean, we finished writing that last one, what, seven years ago?
Wade: Then they brought in the director and that Phoebe London Bridge woman to rewrite all our stuff.
Purvis: And since then all that we’ve had to do is run after Mr Michael and Miss Barbara 24/7.
Wade: Just waiting to be told they’re going to make another Bond movie so we could start working on it….
Purvis: …while we run around with cigars for him and photos of Daniel for her…
Wade: …waiting for them to say-
Clerk: Purvis! Wade!
Purvis/Wade: Here!
Clerk: Come up to the desk.
Wade: (Sotto voce.) Better not tell them exactly what we’ve been doing.
Purvis: Right. But we need to get some money from them to pay for our car loans.
Wade: And the house.
(They walk over to the indicated desk and take a seat.)
Clerk: Yes, do sit down. When was your last paid work?
Wade: Er… sometime before the lockdown.
Clerk: That's a .... a considerable length of time.
Purvis: Preaching to the choir .....
Clerk: I have to ask. Did you do anything during or at the end of your last project that could have furthered your chances of working on such projects?
Wade: Yes ...no. Weeeeell. Let's say opinions vary, but we did as we were told.
Clerk: Have you worked in any capacity since .... (Glances at notes.) “sometime before the lockdown”?
Purvis: Yes, we still work for the two leaders of the company. But our job has changed. It's more .... eh ... practical. Service-oriented.
Clerk: But with no pay?
Wade: We get food and pocket money. A little bit. We want to keep our ties to the company until the time comes when Mr Michael and Miss Barbara are ready for a new project. Some day. Maybe.
Clerk: This type of work situation sounds questionable, perhaps even illegal.
Purvis: Not at all, it's more of an internship. We bring them champagne, caviar, meals, photos of Daniel for Miss Barbara. Services involving cigars .....
Wade: And they tell us when they want us to start working on writing the next James Bond movie.
Clerk: What???!!!
(Purvis and Wade turn and stare at each other. They’ve been caught, they didn’t want to admit their background.)
Wade: Er…
Purvis: What we mean is… er…
Clerk: I thought I’d seen those two names before. You are the writers of “No Time To Die”, aren’t you?
Purvis: Well, not alone.
Wade: Some others helped us.
Clerk: “Helped”? I would say “abetted” myself.
Wade: You might say that but-
Clerk: You are the guys who killed off James Bond! Get out of here right now!
Purvis: Now, that’s unfair. We’re out of work and need some money.
Clerk: Money, is it? (He reaches into his pocket and throws some coins on the table.) I think you’ll find that’s the going rate. Now take it and get out of here!
(Purvis picks up the money and he and Wade trudge heavily outside.)
Wade: Let’s see how much he gave us,
Purvis: Oh, I think I know. (He begins to count then looks sadly at Wade.) Thirty pieces of silver.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,754Chief of Staff
You do wonder if Purvis & Wade knock out Bond scripts whilst they actually wait for “the call”….only to have throw most of them away as real world events supersede what they’ve written 🫣🤣
Comments
😂🤣😁👏
Thanks, CHB, and N24- remember that was all your idea!
1974. The Martin household. George is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone. Mrs Martin looks on aghast.
Mrs Martin: Oh, sit down, George, why don’t you?
George: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Mrs Martin: Just sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.
George: Tea? I can’t think of tea at a time like this! I’m not one of The Rutles, you know.
Mrs Martin: If they want you, they’ll phone you.
George: That’s just it- they’ve got to want me!
Mrs Martin: What? Why have they got to want you?
George: Didn’t I write the music for their last film?
Mrs Martin: Yes, of course you did.
George: And didn’t I get them Paul, and his song was a big hit?
Mrs Martin: Yes, yes of course it was.
George: So they have to phone me again!
Mrs Martin: But-
George: Maybe this time I can get them John, or George.
Mrs Martin: Don’t forget Ringo.
George: Hmm? Oh yes. Ringo.
Mrs Martin: Look, just relax and-
George: They were very happy with my music! They told me so!
Mrs Martin: Of course they did.
George: Well, at least that Broccoli chap told me. The other one… what was his name again?
Mrs Martin: (Been through this before.) Oh, I can’t remember.
George: Saltzman- that was it!
Mrs Martin: (Flatly.) Oh, yes, so it was.
George: He’s about as musical as a doorknob- didn’t know Paul McCartney from a leg-eating shark!
Martin: Yes, dear, so you’ve told me. Many times.
George: Doesn’t matter. They liked my stuff!
Mrs Martin: Well, there’s always the chance they could phone John Barry again.
George: After what he told Saltzman to do during “Diamonds Are Forever”?
Mrs Martin: Maybe he’s forgotten.
George: Hmph. I doubt it.
Mrs Martin: What’s it called, anyway?
George: Oh, it’s “The Man With The Golden Gun”.
Mrs Martin: Well, if they don’t call then look at it this way- at least you don’t have to try and get a song out of that title!
🤣
1964. Pinewood Studios. Guy Hamilton walks into the editing suite where Peter Hunt is gluing strips of film together.
Guy: Hi Peter, how’s things?
Peter: Ah, Guy. I’m struggling with this, I don’t mind telling you.
Guy: How do you mean?
Peter: Right after the titles, we’re in Miami, right?
Guy: Sure.
Peter: And Bond is being massaged by this blonde.
Guy: Dink, yes.
Peter: Well, he’s got no hair on his back.
Guy: Damn right he hasn’t. We had to shave his back for that scene- Sean has a lot of body hair.
Peter: You should also have shaved his back for the bed scene with Jill shortly after, then.
Guy: Ah, we shot that first. Hadn’t shaved him then. Don’t worry, nobody’s going to be looking at his back, there’s much better things to focus on in that scene!
Peter: Yes, well, do you also realise that being totally covered in gold paint won’t kill a person?
Guy: That comes straight from the book!
Peter: Fleming got it wrong. It won’t kill you.
Guy: Nobody’s going to know that.
Peter: All right, then, about the scene where Oddjob crushes the golf ball?
Guy: Ah, hold on, Peter, I know what you’re going to say.
Peter: You do?
Guy: Yes, Sean never stopped complaining about it. “Can’t be done”, he said, “it’sh physhically imposhible”.
Peter: Well he was right. It is. Doesn't matter how strong he is.
Guy: Just let it go.
Peter: If you say so. You have noticed that once they get to Switzerland he’s sometimes driving on the left and sometimes driving on the right?
Guy: Yes, but viewers won’t notice and if they notice they won’t care.
Peter: (Sighing.) Okay… when Oddjob kills Tilly with his hat.
Guy: What about it?
Peter: When Bond goes over to her you can see her breathing.
Guy: You think we should have really killed her?
Peter: Maybe, her acting was terrible!
Guy: Look, Janet Leigh was really good in “Psycho”, wasn’t she?
Peter: Of course.
Guy: Once she’s dead you can see her breathing, too!
Peter: You can?
Guy: If it’s good enough for Hitchcock it’s good enough for me.
Peter: Well, there’s the scene where-
Guy: Enough, Peter. Just remember- one day you’ll be directing a Bond movie yourself and your editor will point out your mistakes, too…
Bugger…I’ve watched Goldfinger all my life and not noticed some of those 🤯…ah well, I know what I’m watching this weekend 🤗🤣
Glad to be of service! 😀
Written with CoolHandBond
2024. Sotheby’s, London.
Auctioneer: ….and sold, for £2,000,000!
Bondfan: That’s wonderful, we’ve got it!
Bookfan: I’ve been wanting this all my life!
Bondfan: And that’s a long, long time.
Bookfan: Why are you singing “The Twelfth Of Never”?
Bondfan: Huh?
Bookfan: Never mind. These are books, Mr Bondfan. All my life, I’ve been in love with the covers, the brilliance, the divine heaviness of a hardcover…
Bondfan: Oh come on, give it a rest!
(An assistant brings over an envelope resting on a plush cushion.)
Assistant: Your property, gentlemen.
Bookfan: (Picks up the envelope.) Thank you!
Bondfan: Quick, open it!
Bookfan: You have to savour these moments.
(Deliberately slowly, he opens the envelope and draws out a sheet of paper.)
Bondfan: Read it!
Ian Fleming’s Rejected Titles:
1953- Crushed Nuts
1954- Do Do That Voodoo
1955- Rocket Man
1956- The Glitter Band
1957- Murder On The Orient Express 2- He Gets The Point At The End
1958- She Sells Sea Shells
1959- Opportunity Knox
1960- Bits And Pieces
1961- Thanks, Kevin!
1962- Heartbreak Motel
1963- Out For The Count, In For The Countess
1964- Kissy Kissy Bye Bye
1965- Three Nipples Spells Death
1966- All We Have Left
(Bookfan and Bondfan look at each other, horrified.)
Bookfan: We're going to be lynched if we publish those.
Bondfan: There's a more immediate problem.
Bookfan: What's that?
Bondfan: Where are we going to get £2,000,000?
Great fun, gentlemen 👏🏻🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣
Thank you, guys. 😀
1974
The Diary Of Maud Adams
Monday- I was very nervous today, because we were shooting my nude shower scene. I asked if this was absolutely essential for the film and Cubby told me not to worry, because only the essential crew would be there, like him. And Guy. And Roger. And Christopher. And Herve. And obviously the cameraman. And his two assistants. And the soundman. And his three assistants. And Ken Adam. And Sheriff Pepper. And John Barry. And Don Black. And….
-------------------------------------------------
Tuesday- A nice relaxing day today. I was introduced to a pleasant man, and shook hands with him. I have no idea who he was.
--------------------------------------------------
Wednesday- Today I was watching a baby elephant push Sheriff Pepper into the river. It was very funny, especially because the Sheriff kept talking and I did not understand one word that he was saying.
---------------------------------------------
Thursday- A love scene with Scaramanga. I had to act all uninterested because I had just been making love with James Bond not long before. Scaramanga got very annoyed and tried to turn me on by rubbing his powerful weapon over my face. Perhaps if he had tried biting my neck I might have been more into things?
-----------------------------------------------
Friday- It has been very nice working on this James Bond film. I only wish that my time was not coming to an end soon, or perhaps that I could be in the next one as well. However I get shot and killed so that is that and I definitely won’t be back again.
🤣🤣 very clever 👏🏻👏🏻
Thank you 😀!
198something. A young lady returns from her first day acting in a major motion picture.
Daughter: (Entering.) Hi, Mum, I’m home!
Mother: Oh, my darling!
(Kiss, kiss.)
Mother: Well?
Daughter: (Innocently.) Well what?
Mother: You know very well what! How was your first day?
Daughter: Oh, Mum, it was wonderful!
Mother: Tell me all about it.
(They sit down.)
Daughter: Well, to start with, everyone was very nice to me.
Mother: Of course they were.
Daughter: The director, John, he was very helpful and told me exactly where he wanted me to stand and so on.
Mother: Yes, yes, what else?
Daughter: I had to do a scene with this old guy.
Mother: Old guy?
Daughter: Yes, he looked about Grandpa’s age.
Mother: I hope you didn’t have to kiss him or anything.
Daughter: Oh no, Mum!
Mother: I’m glad to hear that.
Daughter: No, not at all. That’s later.
Mother: What!!!!???
Daughter: I’m just kidding you, Mother.
Mother: Oh, good. What was his name, anyway?
Daughter: Er… Roger something.
Mother: (Eyes narrowing.) Roger Moore?
Daughter: Yes, that’s it.
Mother: Wait a moment…. (Counts on her fingers.)
Daughter: What is it?
Mother: He’s older than your grandpa!
Daughter: Oh, icky!
Mother: I remember him in the “Ivanhoe” TV series, and that was back in the 1950s before he was “The Saint”.
Daughter: What shall I do?
Mother: Only one thing to do.
Daughter: What’s that?
Mother: Get upstairs and go to bed, young lady- you have school tomorrow.
This could never happen in real life ...... 🥺
Definitely not.
(Okay, she's a couple of years older than Bianca but he's a couple of years older than above, too)
But at least they stopped doing it in this millenium!
(Keira Knightly was 17 and Johnny Depp was 40 when they filmed this scene)
Standard Operating Practice, or at least it was.
1987. A yacht in the Medit…Medi… Big Warm Sea. A dazzlingly beautiful brunette called Linda has had her phone call to her friend, Margo, interrupted by James Bond who takes her phone and makes a call of his own.
Bond: Exercise Control, 007 here. I’ll report in an hour.
Linda: (Holding out a glass invitingly.) Won’t you join me?
Bond: (Straight to camera.) This often happened to the other fella.
John Glen: Cut!
(Our perspective changes, and we see we are on a film set. The enraged director is stomping towards a relaxed Timothy Dalton.)
John: Tim, what the hell are you doing???
Timothy: Well, you told me to be less serious and have some fun with the part.
John: Yes, I know, but-
Timothy: So I decided to adapt a line from one of my predecessors which I know got a good laugh at the time.
John: Yes, Tim, at the time. It could be seen as being appropriate back then, since it was being said by the guy-
Timothy: Fella.
John: All right, it was being said by the fella who had replaced Sean Connery but that was nearly twenty years ago and you have three other fellas before you.
Timothy: Oh, right.
John: Do you see what I mean?
Timothy: Yes, John, I’m sorry. I won’t say that again.
John: All right then. Action!
(John backs out of the scene.)
Bond: Mission Control, 007 here. I’ll report in an hour.
Linda: (Holding out a glass invitingly.) Won’t you join me?
Bond: Yesh, there’sh shomething I’d like you to get off your chesht.
John: Cut!
(John walks over incredulously from his position beside the camera.)
Timothy: Something wrong, John?
John: Something wrong? When exactly did I ask you to do lines from Connery films in what I have to say is a pretty poor impression of his voice?
Timothy: Well, you said not to do George La-
John: I know what I said! Now, one more try, and Tim?
Timothy: Yes, John?
John: Get it right this time!!!! Now…action!
(John walks over to the camera.)
Bond: Mission Control, 007 here. I’ll report in an hour.
Linda: (Holding out glass invitingly.) Won’t you join me?
Bond: (Raising one eyebrow.) Absolutely. There’s no sense in going off half-cocked.
John: (Never mind half-cocked, he’s half-screaming by now.) Cut!
(This time John heads away from the camera.)
Timothy: John? Where are you going?
John: Off to see Cubby. See if he can’t talk Roger into coming back.
“The Funny Side of Timothy Dalton aged 41 1/2” 🤣🤣🤣
For the first time since you started this thread I question your sources. 😁
I can see Dalton quoting Lazenby, maybe even Moore, but not shir Shean.
Thanks, guys.
N24, you are quite right. The idea of Dalton ad-libbing is the imaginary part here; of all the Bond actors, he's the least likely to which gave me the Idea. Moore, of course, was the most likely to ad-lib.
I think Dalton's reputation for being humourless is unfair. His Bond was of course more serious than especially MooreBond that came before, but he delivers some sharp and funny lines that reminds me of Craig. After Bond some of his best roles were funny, such as Hot Fuzz, Toy Story, Chuck and Looney Tunes. The man can do funny!
1962. Senor Lazar’s establishment, Macao. A man enters, bypassing a family eating outside.
Lazar: Good day, my friend. What brings you here?
Man: Senor Lazar?
Lazar: That is me.
Man: I am told you are the man to see about acquiring …. certain items.
Lazar: I may be. What did you have in mind?
Man: I am seeking an automatic pistol.
Lazar: I see. Can you give me further details?
Man: It has to have a delivery like a brick through a plate glass window.
Lazar: Hmm, many such items can be said to possess this ability.
Man: It must also be able to fire continuously when the user is beset by endless henchmen of a world-threatening madman.
Lazar: (Raises eyebrows.) Without being reloaded?
Man: Without apparently being reloaded, anyway.
Lazar: That may be a little more difficult. Anything else?
Man: Yes, it must be able to bring down a flying helicopter with a single bullet.
Lazar: (Now astonished.) Do you think that is likely to be needed?
Man: Perhaps not immediately, but certainly eventually.
Lazar: A difficult task. Has this weapon to possess any other, shall we say, unexpected features?
Man: It must be invisible when worn in a shoulder holster under tailored suits, some of which are unfeasibly tight.
Lazar: May I suggest a Beretta?
Man: (Scoffs.) Ladies’ gun? I think not. It must also be able to pass through customs undetected, no matter where the user of said firearm happens to be at any particular moment.
Lazar: You realise that you are asking a lot of one weapon?
Man: I do. I also realise that you are the one man in the world who may be able to supply or recommend such a weapon.
Lazar: How soon do you need it?
Man: As soon as possible.
Lazar: I shall have it sent on to you. May I have the address?
Man: Certainly. Now, pay attention- please forward it to: Major Boothroyd, c/o Universal Export, London.
Lazar: (Writing.) I shall have it with you once it is ready.
Man: Thank you.
Those guns that fire continuously without reloading have been around since the days of the Old West 😁
Very enjoyable reading @Barbel
I had a good laugh reading that one @Barbel 🤣🤣🤣
😂😂😂
Thank you, gentlemen.
1995. Eon HQ, inside an American submarine inside a giant tanker. Interviews for a director for the next James Bond film are in progress.
MGW: (On intercom.) Send in the next one, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Yes, Mr Wilson.
BB: Who’s this next one, Michael?
MGW: Some American guy. Does gangster movies.
BB: Gangsters? Are you sure we want someone who does gangster films?
MGW: He’s supposed to be good.
BB: Well, I guess we’ve got nothing to lose by talking to him.
(The door opens and a short man with startlingly dark and bushy eyebrows enters.)
MGW: Come in, Mr…?
Scorsese: Scorsese.
BB: Please, take a seat.
Scorsese: (Sitting down.) Thank you.
BB: Now, we’ve been having a look at this treatment you’ve submitted…
Scorsese: Yes?
MGW: And we have certain time-honoured conventions in our James Bond films which we have to respect.
Scorsese: Such as?
BB: Well, when the villain says “Come in, Mr Bond, I have been expecting you” then Bond has to have some witty comeback.
Scorsese: Oh, you didn’t like my idea?
MGW: No, Bond doesn’t reply “You talking to me? Well, you must be talking to me, I’m the only one here”.
Scorsese: Ah, pity. I rather liked that line.
BB: And we don’t think pool is a suitable game for James Bond to be playing.
Scorsese: Ah, but-
MGW: We’d prefer, say, a card game for high stakes.
Scorsese: You mean in a casino? I thought we could-
BB: No, Mr Scorsese, we will not be setting the bulk of the film in a casino. At least, not for a few years, anyway.
MGW: And we really do appreciate that you have some, er, rather interesting ideas for casting.
Scorsese: You do?
BB: Yes, we do. And although we agree that Joe Pesci is a good actor, we don’t think that he would be right for M.
Scorsese: No? I thought-
MGW: And you most definitely cannot have Robert De Niro as Bond.
Scorsese: Aw….
These director interviews are really good 🤣
I actually think Scorsese would make a very good Bond movie if he was given the chance. He's immensely talented and understands genre.
Written by Number24 and Barbel
2024. A Job Centre in London. Neal Purvis and Robert Wade sit waiting for their names to be called.
Purvis: (Looking around.) I would have thought these places would have changed in the God knows how many years it’s been since we were last in one.
Wade: You’re dreaming, Neal. All those years of the Tories, all that (Makes air quotes.) “austerity” – no money spent on essential services.
Purvis: It’s been so long since we’ve done any real work.
Wade: I know.
Purvis: I mean, we finished writing that last one, what, seven years ago?
Wade: Then they brought in the director and that Phoebe London Bridge woman to rewrite all our stuff.
Purvis: And since then all that we’ve had to do is run after Mr Michael and Miss Barbara 24/7.
Wade: Just waiting to be told they’re going to make another Bond movie so we could start working on it….
Purvis: …while we run around with cigars for him and photos of Daniel for her…
Wade: …waiting for them to say-
Clerk: Purvis! Wade!
Purvis/Wade: Here!
Clerk: Come up to the desk.
Wade: (Sotto voce.) Better not tell them exactly what we’ve been doing.
Purvis: Right. But we need to get some money from them to pay for our car loans.
Wade: And the house.
(They walk over to the indicated desk and take a seat.)
Clerk: Yes, do sit down. When was your last paid work?
Wade: Er… sometime before the lockdown.
Clerk: That's a .... a considerable length of time.
Purvis: Preaching to the choir .....
Clerk: I have to ask. Did you do anything during or at the end of your last project that could have furthered your chances of working on such projects?
Wade: Yes ...no. Weeeeell. Let's say opinions vary, but we did as we were told.
Clerk: Have you worked in any capacity since .... (Glances at notes.) “sometime before the lockdown”?
Purvis: Yes, we still work for the two leaders of the company. But our job has changed. It's more .... eh ... practical. Service-oriented.
Clerk: But with no pay?
Wade: We get food and pocket money. A little bit. We want to keep our ties to the company until the time comes when Mr Michael and Miss Barbara are ready for a new project. Some day. Maybe.
Clerk: This type of work situation sounds questionable, perhaps even illegal.
Purvis: Not at all, it's more of an internship. We bring them champagne, caviar, meals, photos of Daniel for Miss Barbara. Services involving cigars .....
Wade: And they tell us when they want us to start working on writing the next James Bond movie.
Clerk: What???!!!
(Purvis and Wade turn and stare at each other. They’ve been caught, they didn’t want to admit their background.)
Wade: Er…
Purvis: What we mean is… er…
Clerk: I thought I’d seen those two names before. You are the writers of “No Time To Die”, aren’t you?
Purvis: Well, not alone.
Wade: Some others helped us.
Clerk: “Helped”? I would say “abetted” myself.
Wade: You might say that but-
Clerk: You are the guys who killed off James Bond! Get out of here right now!
Purvis: Now, that’s unfair. We’re out of work and need some money.
Clerk: Money, is it? (He reaches into his pocket and throws some coins on the table.) I think you’ll find that’s the going rate. Now take it and get out of here!
(Purvis picks up the money and he and Wade trudge heavily outside.)
Wade: Let’s see how much he gave us,
Purvis: Oh, I think I know. (He begins to count then looks sadly at Wade.) Thirty pieces of silver.
You do wonder if Purvis & Wade knock out Bond scripts whilst they actually wait for “the call”….only to have throw most of them away as real world events supersede what they’ve written 🫣🤣