Broccoli: So, how’s the script coming along, Richard?
Maibaum: So far so good, but I’ve hit a bit of a snag.
Saltzman: A snag? What is it?
Broccoli: It’s a colloquial expression meaning a problem, Harry. What’s the problem?
Maibaum: Well, I’ve basically followed the book and now Bond has been captured by Goldfinger in Switzerland and is tied to a table beneath a laser beam that’s about to cut him in two. I have to have some memorable dialogue here before the next scene, when Bond wakes up on a plane to the States. I’m okay after that, but I think I need some help with this bit.
Hamilton: Why don’t you just use what Fleming had in the book?
Maibaum: Can’t do that, Guy, the censor wouldn’t allow it!
Hamilton: Why not?
Maibaum: It says-
Bond: Then you can go and f*** yourself.
Goldfinger: Even I am not capable of that, Mr Bond.
Saltzman: Hey, that’s good!
Broccoli: Yes, it’s good but no way can we have that in our film without an “X” certificate and I think none of us would want that.
Hamilton: How about “Then you can go and stuff yourself”?
Saltzman: Na…
Broccoli: Na…
Maibaum: Na…
Saltzman: We could bleep it out?
Broccoli: I don’t think we’d get away with even that.
Maibaum: I’ve been wracking my brain over this and I just can’t get anywhere.
Broccoli: I think it may be time for us to get you some assistance, Richard, like you said. We’ve got a man called Paul Dehn in mind.
Hamilton: Do you want Richard to meet him alone?
Broccoli: No, I expect you too, Guy.
(The now rather tiresome disclaimer- yes, I know this isn’t 100% accurate.)
2006. (The Cleese household. John paces up and down.)
Mrs Cleese: Oh, sit down, John, and relax.
John: Sit down? Relax? How can I do that?
Mrs Cleese: There’s still time.
John: But they start shooting next week and I only just got the part of Q and they haven't phoned yet. I’m getting worried now!
Mrs Cleese: Don’t worry so much, you’ve still got “Harry Potter”.
John: No, they dropped Nearly Headless Nick after the second movie.
Mrs Cleese: Well, you’re in the “Pink Panther” series now as Inspector Clouseau’s boss.
John: No, that didn’t do too well, there won’t be any more.
Mrs Cleese: It will all be okay, you’ll see.
John: And this is the first film with Daniel Craig, it would be the first time I get to hand him something like, oh, an exploding pen perhaps, if they go in for that any more. Or a gun and a radio maybe. (The phone rings.)
John: Hello? Oh, hello Michael ...Oh, right...yes...I see….so tomorrow then….what time?….about 10am...yes, that’s fine…see you tomorrow.
Mrs Cleese: Oh John, I’m so pleased for you! Now you can stop worrying, and wearing a hole in my carpet!
John: I think not- that wasn't Michael Wilson, it was Michael Palin: he wants to sell me a parrot.
1965. (A road in England, conveniently located near a NATO air base. Two constables stand by a wrecked car. A police car draws up and an inspector gets out.)
Inspector: Oh Lord, what have we here?
Constable: Just as you see, sir. The car has apparently smashed through this fence and gone on fire. The driver is dead.
Inspector: Now, was it the fire that killed him or the crash?
Constable: The doctor hasn’t arrived to examine the body yet, sir.
Inspector: Right, I see. Well, let’s have a look at the car then meantime.. Dear, dear, what a mess… Hello, what have we here?
Constable: Looks like a gun, sir.
Inspector: Yes, I can see it’s a gun! Lying on the floor next to the body. Now, I wonder if any ID managed to survive the fire? Let’s have a look and… Aha.
Constable: What’s that, sir?
Inspector: Seems to be some sort of membership card. It’s all smudged, though. Give me a tissue or a handkerchief or something…
Constable: Here you go, sir.
Inspector: Thank you. Now, let’s just… Hmm, looks like a membership card for some place called “Shrublands”. What could that be?
Constable: It’s a health clinic nearby.
Inspector: Right then, we’ll get on to them and see if we can identify him from that end. I don’t want to do any more poking around here before the doctor arrives. Now, you two stay with the car, I’ll be back shortly.
Constable: Back to the station, sir?
Inspector: No, I have to go look at a motorcycle someone has found in a lake. Strange looking thing, apparently, got some sort of rocket-firing apparatus.
Constable: Now that’s odd. Why would someone do that?
Inspector: Well, some people on the road really burn you up these days.
...and here it is! SpectreOfDefeat and I have been working on this together, and I am pleased to share the credit with him.
1969. (Royal Premiere of “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.”)
(In the limousine.)
The Queen: Now, please behave yourself tonight, Philip.
The Duke: (Grumbling.) Well, I’ll do my best. Though I don’t know how I feel about some Aussie chap taking over from one of our subjects.
The Queen: One is sure it will be all right.
The Duke: I read this book a few years ago. James Bond has to pretend to be a Scottish baronet. Don’t know if an Aussie could carry that off.
The Queen: Just smile and say you like it. One will pretend nothing has changed.
(The limousine draws up in front of the cinema.)
Cubby: Right, here they are. Everybody remember what they’re supposed to do! (The Queen and the Duke emerge, walking towards Cubby and Harry.)
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Harry/Cubby: Good evening, Your Majesty.
Harry: May I present James Bond, ma'am...
George: G'day mate...
The Queen: So lovely to meet you again Mr Connery, I almost didn't recognise you with the long hair and beard...
The Duke: You're that Australian fellow, aren't you? We'll have Bonds from all over the bally Commonwealth, eh? Where are you going to find the next James Bond, India?
Harry: England, your highness...
The Queen: How fascinating! Will you be making another James Bond film?
George: Nah, mate. James Bond's old hat now, he's dead as a dingo...
Harry: (Firmly.) Oh no he isn't...
George: You start an argument and I'll finish it, mate. You saw what I did to that stuntman's nose...
The Queen: How frightfully interesting!
Cubby: (Quickly.) May I present our lovely leading lady, Miss Diana Rigg?
The Queen: Of course, good evening, Miss Rigg.
Diana: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: You were in The Avengers weren’t you?
Diana: That’s so, sir.
The Duke: Oh, those leather outfits! Made me want to-
The Queen: Philip!
Harry: Next is Mr Telly Savalas.
The Queen: Terry?
Telly: No, it’s Telly, ma’am.
The Duke: Oooh, leather outfits, leather outfits-
The Queen: Philip!
Cubby: (Quickly.) May I present Miss Joanna Lumley, ma’am.
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Miss Lumley.
Joanna: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: Hello! My, you are very beautiful, young lady.
Joanna: Thank you, sir.
The Duke: Do you have any Greek in you?
Joanna: Why, no sir.
The Duke: Would you like some?
The Queen: PHILIP!!!
Harry: Er, next we have our director, Mr Peter Hunt.
Peter: Good evening, ma'am.
The Queen: And will you be making another James Bond film?
Peter: I hope so!
Harry: (Hisses.) We'll see about that. Next we have our composer Mr John Barry.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Barry.
John: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: I enjoyed the song “The Look Of Love” very much.
John: Ah… Yes, indeed ma’am. Great song. (Aside.) Wish I'd written it.
The Duke: Ah yes, there you are. You're the music chappie, aren't you?
John: That's right, sir.
The Duke: How are you, Monty?
John: Grrrr...
Cubby: Shall we go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Of course.
Q: You sent for me, sir?
M: I did just that, Major. Have you seen this? (M waves a paper.)
Q: Yes of course, sir, it’s the budget report for my department.
M: It’s more than ten times what it was last year! I will be fascinated to know how the Special Ordnance Section disburses its funds.
Q: But we simply must move with the times. l´ve been saying for years, sir, that our equipment is obsolete.
M: Obsolete?
Q: Why, yes, compared to the Americans and the Russians.
M: Only last year I allowed you an increase to issue a seemingly ordinary black leather case to all 00-personnel, with some nasty surprises in it.
Q: And you must admit, sir, that it did come in handy on 007’s last assignment.
M: I don’t mind this “Homer” gadget of yours, that’s obviously useful- but how on earth can you justify spending THIS much money on a car for 007?
Q: Your orders, sir. You said his Bentley had had its day.
M: But an Aston Martin DB5! Couldn’t you have bought something less conspicuous? A Ford Anglia, perhaps?
Q: Well, there was one I had my eye on but a Mr Weasley beat me to it.
M: And the amount you’ve spent on what you call “modifications”! What the hell do you mean by “modifications”?
Q: Revolving number plates, naturally.
M: Oh, naturally.
Q: Valid all countries.
M: That I can see the sense of. Carry on.
Q: Smoke screen. Oil slick. Rear bulletproof screen. And left and right front-wing machine guns.
M: Machine guns? Machine guns? In case of traffic wardens, no doubt.
Q: They have not been perfected, after years of patient research, entirely for that purpose, sir.
M: And what’s this last thing here, the most expensive of them all?
Q: That would be the ejector seat, sir.
M: Ejector seat? You’re joking!
Barbel: Oh, you know what he says as well as I do!
1979. (Outside a circus. The proud owners, Sophia and Giovanni, look on.)
Sophia: Oh Giovanni, I thought this day would never come!
Giovanni: Me too, my love. All our hard work has finally come to this proud moment.
Sophia: Listen to them! We have a full house! All enjoying our circus.
Giovanni: For so many years we have struggled and now our circus is a success.
Sophia: I am so glad you did not take the offer from that woman in India.
Giovanni: It was a good offer, but we have managed to make it on our own, against all the odds set against us. (There is a loud “thump” from behind them.)
Giovanni: What was that? (They run to investigate.)
Sophia: It looks like a man has fallen from the sky!
Giovanni: So it is! A man dressed as a pilot! What can have happened? (From the sky a sound can be heard.)
Sophia: Can you hear that? What is that sound?
Giovanni: It sounds, it sounds like an airplane in trouble- oh no, it sounds like it is coming down here! (The sound grows louder and louder. Sophia and Giovanni run for cover as an airplane crashes to the ground mere feet away from them.)
Sophia: Oh no!!!
Giovanni: That nearly hit us!!!
Sophia: Or it could have hit our circus!!! We have been lucky. (A steel-toothed giant falls into the exact centre of the circus tent. This has the effect of breaking his fall so that when he lands in the safety net below he is unharmed. Unfortunately it also has the effect of bringing down the entire tent. Sophia and Giovanni look on aghast as the audience, performers and animals all come rushing out to safety. Unseen nearby, a well-dressed man elegantly parachutes to earth and walks away.)
Giovanni: Our circus!
Sophia: Giovanni! We are ruined!
Giovanni: (Sighs heavily.) Sophia, do you still have the telephone number of the lady in India?
(At the premiere of “Skyfall”. Near the end of the film, M and Craig arrive at Skyfall.)
M: Christ! No wonder you never came back. (They enter. A floorboard creaks. An old man appears.)
Kincade: Jamesh. Jamesh Bond.
Audience: It’s Sean!!! Sean Connery!!!
Craig: Good God. Are you still alive?
Audience: Good God, it’s Sean Connery!!!
Kincade: Ha. It’sh nice to shee you, too.
Audience: It's nice to see Sean Connery in a James Bond film! It’s really him!
Craig: M, this is Kincade. Gamekeeper here since I was a boy.
Audience: No it's not, it’s Sean Connery!!!
Kincade: Pleashed to meet you, Emma.
M: Mr Kincade.
Audience: Wow, I never thought… He looks so old… But it’s SEAN CONNERY!!!
Kincade: You’re a tad late. They’ve shold the place when they thought you were dead. Sheemsh they were wrong. What are you doing here?
Craig: Blah blah… (No-one’s listening anyway.)
Audience: Is he going to turn out to be James Bond’s dad? How could they persuade him to do it? Maybe Judi and him will get married?
Craig: Blah blah…
Audience: Shut up, we want to hear SEAN CONNERY!!!
(At the back of the cinema.)
BB: I told you this was a bad idea…
MGW: Yes, I know. I know...
These are great! This line made me laugh- Couldn’t you have bought something less conspicuous? A Ford Anglia, perhaps? My brother's first car was an Anglia. One day, we were driving along and the windscreen suddenly shattered. He freaked out, convinced someone had shot at us ) Me, being the more rational one told him not to be so stupid, it was probably a stone or something that had bounced up!
(At the premiere of “Skyfall”. Near the end of the film, M and Craig arrive at Skyfall.)
M: Christ! No wonder you never came back. (They enter. A floorboard creaks. An old man appears.)
Kincade: Jamesh. Jamesh Bond.
Audience: It’s Sean!!! Sean Connery!!!...
BEST. ONE. EVER! That has absolutely cracked me up!!! *
) ) ) ) )
*(I do hope no-one points out that Sean Connery wasn't actually in Skyfall... )
M: Take off your jacket. Give me your gun. Yes, I thought so. This damn Beretta again. I've told you about this before. You tell him - for the last time.
Armourer: Nice and light - in a lady's handbag. No stopping power.
M: Any comments, 007?
Bond: I disagree, sir. I've used a Beretta for ten years. I've never missed with it yet.
M: Ten years! Practically ancient. It jammed on your last job and you spent six months in hospital. A double-O number means you're licensed to kill, not get killed.
And another thing. Since I've been head of Ml6, there's been a 40% drop in double-O casualties. From now on you carry a different gun. Show him, armourer.
Armourer: BlasTech DL-44 heavy blaster pistol. It takes a Hensoldt Wetzlar Dialyt 3X scope and an M3 'grease gun' conical flash arrestor, with very little reduction in muzzle velocity. Which is just as well as the blast vapourises everything it touches. The Rebel Alliance and Correllian smugglers swear by them.
M: Any further comments, 007?
Bond: None sir. Handbag sized, practically ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at one's side, sir.
1967. (Eon HQ. Producers Cubby Broccoli & Harry Saltzman, Director Lewis Gilbert, Screenwriter Roald Dahl, Production Designer Ken Adam.)
Dahl: ...then the spaceship opens up and swallows the Russian capsule, just as we saw at the start of the film, but this time we follow it back to Earth. It heads for the volcano, one of those we saw earlier, and it opens up-
Saltzman: It opens up???? The volcano opens up?
(Broccoli sits puffing a cigar.)
Dahl: That’s right, it opens up, and we see the spaceship land inside the volcano-
Gilbert: Inside the volcano????
(Broccoli taps his cigar into an ashtray.)
Dahl: Yes, that’s what I said, inside the volcano. We see men and vehicles running back and forward as it lands.
Saltzman: But… but…
Gilbert: I suppose we could do it all with models, just like in “Thunderbirds” on the TV.
Broccoli: No. We do it for real.
Gilbert: But, Cubby-
Broccoli: We do it for real. On our last movie, we had a budget of $9m and we made $140m. Does anybody seriously think we’re risking money with this one?
Gilbert: Well, if you put it that way…
Broccoli: I do put it that way. We do it for real. Ken, do you think you can pull it off?
Adam: Build a volcano? With a fully-functional space rocket? Sure, no problem- if you give me the budget.
Vesper: You're good at reading people?
James: Yes, I am.
Vesper: What else can you surmise, Mr. Bond?
James: About you, Miss Lynd? Well, your beauty's a problem. You worry you won't be taken seriously.
Vesper: Which one can say of any attractive woman with half a brain.
James: True, but this one overcompensates by wearing slightly masculine clothing and being more aggressive than her female colleagues, which gives her a somewhat prickly demeanor, and ironically enough, makes it less likely for her to be accepted, and promoted by her male superiors who mistake her insecurities for arrogance. Now, I'd have normally gone with only child... but, you see, by the way you ignored the quip about your parents, l'm gonna have to go with orphan.
Vesper: All right. By the amount you've drunk this evening and are still talking straight, and the way you pushed the barman out of the way to show him to to shake your Martini properly, I'd say you're a high-functioning alcoholic. And by the way you were eying up the waitress, not to mention trying to pinch my bum in the corridor, you're a borderline sex maniac. And given those two factors and the cut of your suit, which is falling down a bit and showing Union Jack underpants, you're definitely an ex-public schoolboy. (Pauses) Are you sure you're not Boris Johnson?
Comments
Broccoli: So, how’s the script coming along, Richard?
Maibaum: So far so good, but I’ve hit a bit of a snag.
Saltzman: A snag? What is it?
Broccoli: It’s a colloquial expression meaning a problem, Harry. What’s the problem?
Maibaum: Well, I’ve basically followed the book and now Bond has been captured by Goldfinger in Switzerland and is tied to a table beneath a laser beam that’s about to cut him in two. I have to have some memorable dialogue here before the next scene, when Bond wakes up on a plane to the States. I’m okay after that, but I think I need some help with this bit.
Hamilton: Why don’t you just use what Fleming had in the book?
Maibaum: Can’t do that, Guy, the censor wouldn’t allow it!
Hamilton: Why not?
Maibaum: It says-
Bond: Then you can go and f*** yourself.
Goldfinger: Even I am not capable of that, Mr Bond.
Saltzman: Hey, that’s good!
Broccoli: Yes, it’s good but no way can we have that in our film without an “X” certificate and I think none of us would want that.
Hamilton: How about “Then you can go and stuff yourself”?
Saltzman: Na…
Broccoli: Na…
Maibaum: Na…
Saltzman: We could bleep it out?
Broccoli: I don’t think we’d get away with even that.
Maibaum: I’ve been wracking my brain over this and I just can’t get anywhere.
Broccoli: I think it may be time for us to get you some assistance, Richard, like you said. We’ve got a man called Paul Dehn in mind.
Hamilton: Do you want Richard to meet him alone?
Broccoli: No, I expect you too, Guy.
2006. (The Cleese household. John paces up and down.)
Mrs Cleese: Oh, sit down, John, and relax.
John: Sit down? Relax? How can I do that?
Mrs Cleese: There’s still time.
John: But they start shooting next week and I only just got the part of Q and they haven't phoned yet. I’m getting worried now!
Mrs Cleese: Don’t worry so much, you’ve still got “Harry Potter”.
John: No, they dropped Nearly Headless Nick after the second movie.
Mrs Cleese: Well, you’re in the “Pink Panther” series now as Inspector Clouseau’s boss.
John: No, that didn’t do too well, there won’t be any more.
Mrs Cleese: It will all be okay, you’ll see.
John: And this is the first film with Daniel Craig, it would be the first time I get to hand him something like, oh, an exploding pen perhaps, if they go in for that any more. Or a gun and a radio maybe.
(The phone rings.)
John: Hello? Oh, hello Michael ...Oh, right...yes...I see….so tomorrow then….what time?….about 10am...yes, that’s fine…see you tomorrow.
Mrs Cleese: Oh John, I’m so pleased for you! Now you can stop worrying, and wearing a hole in my carpet!
John: I think not- that wasn't Michael Wilson, it was Michael Palin: he wants to sell me a parrot.
Inspector: Oh Lord, what have we here?
Constable: Just as you see, sir. The car has apparently smashed through this fence and gone on fire. The driver is dead.
Inspector: Now, was it the fire that killed him or the crash?
Constable: The doctor hasn’t arrived to examine the body yet, sir.
Inspector: Right, I see. Well, let’s have a look at the car then meantime.. Dear, dear, what a mess… Hello, what have we here?
Constable: Looks like a gun, sir.
Inspector: Yes, I can see it’s a gun! Lying on the floor next to the body. Now, I wonder if any ID managed to survive the fire? Let’s have a look and… Aha.
Constable: What’s that, sir?
Inspector: Seems to be some sort of membership card. It’s all smudged, though. Give me a tissue or a handkerchief or something…
Constable: Here you go, sir.
Inspector: Thank you. Now, let’s just… Hmm, looks like a membership card for some place called “Shrublands”. What could that be?
Constable: It’s a health clinic nearby.
Inspector: Right then, we’ll get on to them and see if we can identify him from that end. I don’t want to do any more poking around here before the doctor arrives. Now, you two stay with the car, I’ll be back shortly.
Constable: Back to the station, sir?
Inspector: No, I have to go look at a motorcycle someone has found in a lake. Strange looking thing, apparently, got some sort of rocket-firing apparatus.
Constable: Now that’s odd. Why would someone do that?
Inspector: Well, some people on the road really burn you up these days.
1969. (Royal Premiere of “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.”)
(In the limousine.)
The Queen: Now, please behave yourself tonight, Philip.
The Duke: (Grumbling.) Well, I’ll do my best. Though I don’t know how I feel about some Aussie chap taking over from one of our subjects.
The Queen: One is sure it will be all right.
The Duke: I read this book a few years ago. James Bond has to pretend to be a Scottish baronet. Don’t know if an Aussie could carry that off.
The Queen: Just smile and say you like it. One will pretend nothing has changed.
(The limousine draws up in front of the cinema.)
Cubby: Right, here they are. Everybody remember what they’re supposed to do!
(The Queen and the Duke emerge, walking towards Cubby and Harry.)
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Harry/Cubby: Good evening, Your Majesty.
Harry: May I present James Bond, ma'am...
George: G'day mate...
The Queen: So lovely to meet you again Mr Connery, I almost didn't recognise you with the long hair and beard...
The Duke: You're that Australian fellow, aren't you? We'll have Bonds from all over the bally Commonwealth, eh? Where are you going to find the next James Bond, India?
Harry: England, your highness...
The Queen: How fascinating! Will you be making another James Bond film?
George: Nah, mate. James Bond's old hat now, he's dead as a dingo...
Harry: (Firmly.) Oh no he isn't...
George: You start an argument and I'll finish it, mate. You saw what I did to that stuntman's nose...
The Queen: How frightfully interesting!
Cubby: (Quickly.) May I present our lovely leading lady, Miss Diana Rigg?
The Queen: Of course, good evening, Miss Rigg.
Diana: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: You were in The Avengers weren’t you?
Diana: That’s so, sir.
The Duke: Oh, those leather outfits! Made me want to-
The Queen: Philip!
Harry: Next is Mr Telly Savalas.
The Queen: Terry?
Telly: No, it’s Telly, ma’am.
The Duke: Oooh, leather outfits, leather outfits-
The Queen: Philip!
Cubby: (Quickly.) May I present Miss Joanna Lumley, ma’am.
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Miss Lumley.
Joanna: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: Hello! My, you are very beautiful, young lady.
Joanna: Thank you, sir.
The Duke: Do you have any Greek in you?
Joanna: Why, no sir.
The Duke: Would you like some?
The Queen: PHILIP!!!
Harry: Er, next we have our director, Mr Peter Hunt.
Peter: Good evening, ma'am.
The Queen: And will you be making another James Bond film?
Peter: I hope so!
Harry: (Hisses.) We'll see about that. Next we have our composer Mr John Barry.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Barry.
John: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: I enjoyed the song “The Look Of Love” very much.
John: Ah… Yes, indeed ma’am. Great song. (Aside.) Wish I'd written it.
The Duke: Ah yes, there you are. You're the music chappie, aren't you?
John: That's right, sir.
The Duke: How are you, Monty?
John: Grrrr...
Cubby: Shall we go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Of course.
Q: You sent for me, sir?
M: I did just that, Major. Have you seen this?
(M waves a paper.)
Q: Yes of course, sir, it’s the budget report for my department.
M: It’s more than ten times what it was last year! I will be fascinated to know how the Special Ordnance Section disburses its funds.
Q: But we simply must move with the times. l´ve been saying for years, sir, that our equipment is obsolete.
M: Obsolete?
Q: Why, yes, compared to the Americans and the Russians.
M: Only last year I allowed you an increase to issue a seemingly ordinary black leather case to all 00-personnel, with some nasty surprises in it.
Q: And you must admit, sir, that it did come in handy on 007’s last assignment.
M: I don’t mind this “Homer” gadget of yours, that’s obviously useful- but how on earth can you justify spending THIS much money on a car for 007?
Q: Your orders, sir. You said his Bentley had had its day.
M: But an Aston Martin DB5! Couldn’t you have bought something less conspicuous? A Ford Anglia, perhaps?
Q: Well, there was one I had my eye on but a Mr Weasley beat me to it.
M: And the amount you’ve spent on what you call “modifications”! What the hell do you mean by “modifications”?
Q: Revolving number plates, naturally.
M: Oh, naturally.
Q: Valid all countries.
M: That I can see the sense of. Carry on.
Q: Smoke screen. Oil slick. Rear bulletproof screen. And left and right front-wing machine guns.
M: Machine guns? Machine guns? In case of traffic wardens, no doubt.
Q: They have not been perfected, after years of patient research, entirely for that purpose, sir.
M: And what’s this last thing here, the most expensive of them all?
Q: That would be the ejector seat, sir.
M: Ejector seat? You’re joking!
1979. (Outside a circus. The proud owners, Sophia and Giovanni, look on.)
Sophia: Oh Giovanni, I thought this day would never come!
Giovanni: Me too, my love. All our hard work has finally come to this proud moment.
Sophia: Listen to them! We have a full house! All enjoying our circus.
Giovanni: For so many years we have struggled and now our circus is a success.
Sophia: I am so glad you did not take the offer from that woman in India.
Giovanni: It was a good offer, but we have managed to make it on our own, against all the odds set against us.
(There is a loud “thump” from behind them.)
Giovanni: What was that?
(They run to investigate.)
Sophia: It looks like a man has fallen from the sky!
Giovanni: So it is! A man dressed as a pilot! What can have happened?
(From the sky a sound can be heard.)
Sophia: Can you hear that? What is that sound?
Giovanni: It sounds, it sounds like an airplane in trouble- oh no, it sounds like it is coming down here!
(The sound grows louder and louder. Sophia and Giovanni run for cover as an airplane crashes to the ground mere feet away from them.)
Sophia: Oh no!!!
Giovanni: That nearly hit us!!!
Sophia: Or it could have hit our circus!!! We have been lucky.
(A steel-toothed giant falls into the exact centre of the circus tent. This has the effect of breaking his fall so that when he lands in the safety net below he is unharmed. Unfortunately it also has the effect of bringing down the entire tent. Sophia and Giovanni look on aghast as the audience, performers and animals all come rushing out to safety. Unseen nearby, a well-dressed man elegantly parachutes to earth and walks away.)
Giovanni: Our circus!
Sophia: Giovanni! We are ruined!
Giovanni: (Sighs heavily.) Sophia, do you still have the telephone number of the lady in India?
(At the premiere of “Skyfall”. Near the end of the film, M and Craig arrive at Skyfall.)
M: Christ! No wonder you never came back.
(They enter. A floorboard creaks. An old man appears.)
Kincade: Jamesh. Jamesh Bond.
Audience: It’s Sean!!! Sean Connery!!!
Craig: Good God. Are you still alive?
Audience: Good God, it’s Sean Connery!!!
Kincade: Ha. It’sh nice to shee you, too.
Audience: It's nice to see Sean Connery in a James Bond film! It’s really him!
Craig: M, this is Kincade. Gamekeeper here since I was a boy.
Audience: No it's not, it’s Sean Connery!!!
Kincade: Pleashed to meet you, Emma.
M: Mr Kincade.
Audience: Wow, I never thought… He looks so old… But it’s SEAN CONNERY!!!
Kincade: You’re a tad late. They’ve shold the place when they thought you were dead. Sheemsh they were wrong. What are you doing here?
Craig: Blah blah… (No-one’s listening anyway.)
Audience: Is he going to turn out to be James Bond’s dad? How could they persuade him to do it? Maybe Judi and him will get married?
Craig: Blah blah…
Audience: Shut up, we want to hear SEAN CONNERY!!!
(At the back of the cinema.)
BB: I told you this was a bad idea…
MGW: Yes, I know. I know...
BEST. ONE. EVER! That has absolutely cracked me up!!! *
*(I do hope no-one points out that Sean Connery wasn't actually in Skyfall...
Spy- My dad had an Anglia for a while, back in the 60s. Don't remember much about it, though.
Well he is now! Every time I watch Skyfall from now on and Kincade comes on, I won't be seeing Albert Finney.
M: Take off your jacket. Give me your gun. Yes, I thought so. This damn Beretta again. I've told you about this before. You tell him - for the last time.
Armourer: Nice and light - in a lady's handbag. No stopping power.
M: Any comments, 007?
Bond: I disagree, sir. I've used a Beretta for ten years. I've never missed with it yet.
M: Ten years! Practically ancient. It jammed on your last job and you spent six months in hospital. A double-O number means you're licensed to kill, not get killed.
And another thing. Since I've been head of Ml6, there's been a 40% drop in double-O casualties. From now on you carry a different gun. Show him, armourer.
Armourer: BlasTech DL-44 heavy blaster pistol. It takes a Hensoldt Wetzlar Dialyt 3X scope and an M3 'grease gun' conical flash arrestor, with very little reduction in muzzle velocity. Which is just as well as the blast vapourises everything it touches. The Rebel Alliance and Correllian smugglers swear by them.
M: Any further comments, 007?
Bond: None sir. Handbag sized, practically ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at one's side, sir.
Timmy: Are you sure you’re reading that Sat Nav correctly?
Charlie: I think so. It says another two miles up this road.
Timmy: When they drew a map of “nowhere”, this is the road they took to get to the middle of it.
Charlie: Yeah, definitely. How’d we get this job, again?
Timmy: Bloke on the phone. Said his car had been damaged and wanted it picked up. Offered a hundred quid.
Charlie: Fair enough. Sat Nav says take this turn here.
Timmy: Ok… Hey, there’s something up this road.
(They drive to the end of the road, park, and get out.)
Charlie: What the hell…?
Timmy: There’s been a building here, but I think it’s been on fire.
Charlie: Maybe even exploded or something.
Timmy: And look there- is that what I think it is?
Charlie: It looks like a part of a helicopter!
Timmy: What the hell? A helicopter?
Charlie: I thought we were sent to pick up a car. I don’t see a car.
Timmy: Let’s look about a bit… Hey, I’ve found a steering wheel!
Charlie: Seems a bit much to send a breakdown truck to pick up a steering wheel.
Timmy: Well, at least we can bring back one piece.
Me on that very road.
Dahl: ...then the spaceship opens up and swallows the Russian capsule, just as we saw at the start of the film, but this time we follow it back to Earth. It heads for the volcano, one of those we saw earlier, and it opens up-
Saltzman: It opens up???? The volcano opens up?
(Broccoli sits puffing a cigar.)
Dahl: That’s right, it opens up, and we see the spaceship land inside the volcano-
Gilbert: Inside the volcano????
(Broccoli taps his cigar into an ashtray.)
Dahl: Yes, that’s what I said, inside the volcano. We see men and vehicles running back and forward as it lands.
Saltzman: But… but…
Gilbert: I suppose we could do it all with models, just like in “Thunderbirds” on the TV.
Broccoli: No. We do it for real.
Gilbert: But, Cubby-
Broccoli: We do it for real. On our last movie, we had a budget of $9m and we made $140m. Does anybody seriously think we’re risking money with this one?
Gilbert: Well, if you put it that way…
Broccoli: I do put it that way. We do it for real. Ken, do you think you can pull it off?
Adam: Build a volcano? With a fully-functional space rocket? Sure, no problem- if you give me the budget.
Saltzman: How much do you want?
Adam: (Pinky in mouth.) One million dollars.
Gilbert: What?
Dahl: Huh?
Saltzman: Are you kidding?
Broccoli: No, I'm not kidding. Go for it, Ken.
Vesper: You're good at reading people?
James: Yes, I am.
Vesper: What else can you surmise, Mr. Bond?
James: About you, Miss Lynd? Well, your beauty's a problem. You worry you won't be taken seriously.
Vesper: Which one can say of any attractive woman with half a brain.
James: True, but this one overcompensates by wearing slightly masculine clothing and being more aggressive than her female colleagues, which gives her a somewhat prickly demeanor, and ironically enough, makes it less likely for her to be accepted, and promoted by her male superiors who mistake her insecurities for arrogance. Now, I'd have normally gone with only child... but, you see, by the way you ignored the quip about your parents, l'm gonna have to go with orphan.
Vesper: All right. By the amount you've drunk this evening and are still talking straight, and the way you pushed the barman out of the way to show him to to shake your Martini properly, I'd say you're a high-functioning alcoholic. And by the way you were eying up the waitress, not to mention trying to pinch my bum in the corridor, you're a borderline sex maniac. And given those two factors and the cut of your suit, which is falling down a bit and showing Union Jack underpants, you're definitely an ex-public schoolboy. (Pauses) Are you sure you're not Boris Johnson?
Charmed & Dangerous!!!!
I have to say, I still think this is the most fun thread on the forum and I've enjoyed reading everyone's posts.