The Duke: I’m getting fed up with this.
The Queen: One must be patient, Philip.
The Duke: But we’ve been driving round the block since April!
The Queen: It is not long now until November.
The Duke: Hmph, well, I hope it’s better than the last one. (The glass separating the Royal couple from the chauffeur slides aside.)
Chauffeur: Begging your pardon, Your Majesty, telephone call. (A phone is handed over.)
The Queen: Yes, it is I…. What? Again?
The Duke: What is it, Liz?
The Queen: Driver, keep going round the block.
Chauffeur: How long for, ma’am?
The Queen: Until April 2nd, next year.
The Duke: Oh, for fuc-
The Queen: Philip!
Below is a collaboration, written by (in alphabetical order)-
Barbel, Charmed & Dangerous, The Spy Who Never Dies, Thunderpussy
No-one has seen the whole thing, except me, so if any of the authors comment they're not patting their own backs.
2012. (Buckingham Palace.)
A butler: For you, ma’am. (Hands the Queen a white envelope on a silver tray.)
The Duke: That looks official. What is it?
The Queen: It looks like an invitation.
The Duke: (Rolling his eyes.) Haven’t we fulfilled our quota for this year?
The Queen: I do like the sound of this!
The Duke: (Groans.) Another garden party, I suppose.
The Queen: Something very different, something rather exciting. The Olympics Committee want to film in the palace.
The Duke: What! (Snorts.) What do they want, a close up of the corgis?
The Queen: No, Philip, a short film with James Bond. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. That sort of thing.
The Duke: Oh, no!
The Queen: One is attracted to the idea.
The Duke: ….but dammit all, Elizabeth, it’s undignified!
The Queen: You are an old stick-in-the-mud sometimes, Philip, do you know that? One just feels that it is time for one to try something different, for a change.
The Duke: Cameras in the hallway, cameras in the study. It’s an intrusion, I tell you!
The Queen: They will not be going near any of the private areas, just like with that Sherlock Holmes chap and his friends.
The Duke: Oh yes, that Benedict Cumbersomething wandering around here naked. Awful!
The Queen: (Quietly.) Awful….
The Duke: And that Craig fellow needn’t think he’s going to do the same thing!
The Queen: (Slight smile.) Oh, awful…
The Duke: Terrible!
The Queen: I have made my mind up, Philip. I’m going to do it.
The Duke: Can’t we just get Charles to do it?
The Queen: Who would want to see that?
The Duke: I know! Let’s get Andrew to do an interview!
The Queen: Philip!
(Eon HQ, on top of an Alp.)
BB: ...so this would be an important feather in our cap, working closely with the Palace on such a prominent undertaking, which is why Michael and I have invited you, Bond directors past and present, to join us at this planning stage.
MGW: At this point we’re looking for ideas.
Campbell: Who’s going to direct?
BB: Danny is, that’s already decided.
Boyle: I see this as my first step to directing a Bond film proper.
Forster: Can't see anything going wrong with that.
Mendes: I don’t know, I just can’t see enough subtext to work with.
Forster: I have this vision… (MGW’s finger hovers over the button marked “Forster”.)
Forster: ...but it’s not quite formulated yet, just give me some time. (MGW’s finger relaxes… for the moment.)
Apted: I’d like to have been involved seven years ago, shot some footage then, then some more now, and then more in another seven years.
MGW: I don’t think that’s quite practical, Michael.
Apted: And the Queen’s getting on a bit- I’d like to replace her with a younger actress.
BB: Again, that’s not realistic. Who did you have in mind?
Apted: Why, Denise Richards of course. (MGW’s finger stabs down on the button labelled “Apted”. Apted’s chair ejects through a newly-opened slot in the ceiling. Through the window he can be seen faintly in the distance.)
BB: Now that's what I call a sky fall.
MGW: I’ve been aching to give that a try. Funny, I didn’t think it would be him, though.
BB: Yeah, my money was on-
Forster: I’ve got it! Lead, silver, gold, platinum! Each scene will have a different theme! And we’ll shoot the Queen’s entrance from sixteen different angles, all lasting only half a second on film, and- (MGW presses the button marked “Forster”. Forster’s chair sinks rapidly through the floor, which shuts over it.)
BB: Twice in one day! (There is the sound of knocking at the door.)
Muffled Voice: Let me in! I know you’re in there!
Boyle: Who’s that?
MGW: Sshhh! It’s Lee Tamahori. Everyone stay quiet, he’ll go away eventually.
(The Palace.)
Boyle: ….so, Your Majesty, Daniel here will be filmed coming into the Palace, met by your staff, and shown to your study where you greet him and-
The Queen: One is not sure.
The Duke: Hmph!
The Queen: I feel I should be working when Mr… er, Connery?
Craig: Craig, ma’am.
The Queen: Oh yes. I should be sitting at my desk when Mr Moore comes in and be seen to be at work.
The Duke: And I shall be helping, of course.
Boyle: Er, we’ll discuss that later, Your Highness. (One of the corgis begins to sniff at Craig’s leg.)
The Queen: I shall turn and say “Good evening, Mr Bond” or similar before we leave the study.
Craig: Yes, ma’am. (The corgi begins to show great interest in Craig’s left leg. He keeps a poker face while gently trying to shoo the dog away.)
The Duke: And the usual Bond ladies will be there too, I hope?
Boyle: Ah, I think it’s better if Daniel enters alone. (The corgi begins to hump Daniel’s leg. He tries to shake it off.)
The Queen: So, Mr Dalton-
Craig: Craig, ma’am.
The Queen: Oh, of course. He enters my study, waits until I greet him, and we leave together.
Boyle: Yes, that’s it. (A second corgi appears and sniffs at Craig’s other leg. He is beginning to have difficulty standing still.)
The Duke: And the beautiful ladies are waiting outside the study?
Boyle: No! ...er, no sir. Just the usual Buckingham Palace staff.
The Duke: (Disappointed.) Oh.
The Queen: That will be enough for the moment, gentlemen. My secretary will give you a further appointment tomorrow.
Boyle/Craig: Yes, Your Majesty. (Boyle and Craig leave, Craig with a corgi on each leg.)
Boyle: (As they walk away.) Well, I think that went very well, don’t you Daniel? The knighthood is in the bag!
Craig: (Mutters.) Wish these f***ing dogs were….
(Pinewood Studios canteen.)
Dame Judi: I've just been speaking with Danny Boyle.
Rory: Oh yes?
Dame Judi: Seems he's filming the opening segment for the Olympic Games tomorrow.
Rory: Nice work- are you involved?
Dame Judi: Not quite- but he told me that Her Majesty is to be accompanied by the greatest James Bond ever. Of course, I asked him what time Sean Connery was arriving... but Danny took in it good humour, you know how close he is to Daniel Craig. (At that moment, Rowan Atkinson is passing, and smiles at them.)
Dame Judi: Did you hear that, Rowan? Danny Boyle is filming the opening segment for the Olympic Games and requires the services of Her Majesty's greatest secret agent.
Rory: And it's not who you think it is: he's English.
Rowan: (Beaming from ear to ear.) How wonderful. Her Majesty's greatest secret agent is indeed ...English. (He almost runs to the phone.)
Rowan: Griff?
Rhys Jones: Hi Rowan- what's up?
Rowan: I've just been told that a certain Danny Boyle requires the services of none other than Johnny English! Filming starts tomorrow. I just have time to press my dinner jacket!
(24 hours later. Outside Buckingham Palace. A Mini Cooper pulls up, and Rowan jumps out. A corgi runs over and starts humping his leg.)
Equerry: (To a footman standing close by.) They didn't tell me that Mr Bean was filming too, but that was brilliant! (He beckons Rowan over.) This way, Mr, ah, Bean.
Rowan: The name's English.... Johnny English. Licenced to.... what is that corgi doing?
(Outside the helicopter.)
The Duke: So exciting! It’ll be just like that scene in your latest Bond film, Mr Moore.
Daniel: It’s Mr Craig, Your Highness…
The Duke: Yes, that one where you jump off the cliff, and the Union Jack parachute opens at the last possible second. (He turns to the Queen.) I’ve packed your ‘chute dear… say when…
The Queen: (Aside, to Craig.) Mr Brosnan, may I swap with your chute?
Daniel: Umm… of course Your Majesty. (Whispers to Boyle.) Pierce was on set earlier, and insisted on packing my parachute, should I let Her Majesty know?
Boyle: Perhaps you might get HM to sign-off on that knighthood before the jump, eh? (Craig gives him a look as they walk towards the helicopter. Rowan Atkinson arrives just in time to see it ascend, the Queen and Craig visible through its window. Rowan runs over.)
Rowan: Er, sir?
The Duke: Ah, hello, Mr Bean! Wasn’t expecting you as well as James Bond!
Rowan: (Light dawning.) ….ah.
The Duke: Anyway, what can I do for you? (Rowan hands him the corgi.)
Rowan: Just returning this, sir.
(Inside the helicopter.)
The Queen: That's impressive, I love a big chopper.
Craig: Ma’am?
The Queen: Philip's got a big one, you know.
Craig: Sorry, ma’am?
The Queen: Oh it's not as nice as it once was, a bit older now, bits falling off it I think.
Craig: Er… that's interesting, ma'am.
The Queen: Charles used to love a go on it...
Craig: Really ma'am, I don't think that.....
The Queen: A Westland Wessex, big old thing, even Andrew used to fly it.
Craig: Oh!! I thought… er, nothing, ma’am.
The Queen: It's funny that Andrew should say he doesn't sweat. He was certainly "glowing" after I had had a word with him. Oh look, there's the Houses of Parliament.
Craig: The mother of all Parliaments, ma'am
The Queen: Yes, now filled with the biggest load of motherfu..... (The engine noise from the helicopter drowns out the rest of what Her Majesty was saying, but she supplements it with hand gestures and finger puppetry.)
The Queen: .....and that David Cameron is another one!!!
Craig: Too right, ma’am. (Suddenly Craig moves, opening the door and pulling out his PPK, and shooting at a passing helicopter which crashes on Westminster Bridge.)
The Queen: Amazing shooting, I'm surprised you could hit that from here with only a hand gun!
Craig: I'm sure many will be arguing about that for years to come. (Craig closes the door.)
The Queen: Oh what fun! Now remember, Mr Lazenby, what have you to aim for?
Craig: I am to try and land on Meghan Markle.
The Queen: Exactly. Oh, we seem to be here. Look, there is the German team marching out.
Craig: How can you tell that they’re the German team from here?
The Queen: They are all wearing green trainers. Now, I do believe that is the Norwegian team following. What would you say, Mr Niven, twenty of them?
Craig: I think they number 24, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Good. Now, time for me to prove why I'm the commander and chief.
Craig: Yes?
The Queen: Are you ready to jump, Mr Craig…. or can I call you Daniel?
Craig: (Gobsmacked.) You knew? You knew all along?
The Queen: But of course. (Winks.) One has to have one’s fun. Like my corgis, I was just pulling your leg. Now, 3...2...1. Jump! (They both jump from the helicopter, opening two beautiful Union Jacks.)
(Hope you liked it, Spy Who Never Dies- it was all your idea!)
What a fun read to wake up to ) ) It wasn't all my idea, I'm not that clever! ;% Thanks Barbel, C&D and TP for making it come together. {[] There are some real gems in there, unexpected lines that link things together. Much talent -{
And the photos are perfect.
Harry: So we’re sure that Sean isn’t coming back?
Cubby: Nope. I offered him half the GDP of a medium-sized country, an Aston Martin DB5, and a delicatessen in stainless steel but he still said “never again”.
Guy: So, it’s Roger Moore then.
Cubby: It’s Roger Moore.
Harry: Well, we better get on with it. Tom, what are your thoughts?
Cubby: And don’t make it like “Dr No”, this being Roger’s first.
Tom: Well, I thought we shouldn’t see Bond straight away but start with the deaths of British agents. M briefs Bond, very early in the morning, to find out what happened to the agents. We see Bond in his apartment with a beautiful lady. He arrives at an airport where he’s picked up by a driver who dies soon afterwards. He’s facing off against the ruler of a mysterious Caribbean island who uses the title “Dr” and keeps the superstitious natives away by arousing their fears. Bond will be attacked in his hotel room by a scary creature, placed there by a henchman, but will kill it. A beautiful woman will try to lure him into a trap, but he’s wise to her. He still sleeps with her, though. He’ll be aided by Felix Leiter, of course, and local fisherman Quarrel, and we should see them in a small boat together. An important villain has a metal hand, or hands. And we should film in Jamaica.
Harry: So, not like “Dr No” at all, then.
Tom: No, not at all.
MGW: So Quentin, we're curious to hear your pitch.
TARANTINO: Period Bond, m'kay? (Hick!) 1950s. Casino Royale. Hoagy Carmichael style, with a Brylcreamed comma of black hair falling untidily over the forehead. If we go with Pierce. Or a Brylcreamed comma of *blonde* hair if we go with Tim. Roth, I mean... not Dalton. No offence, Pierce! Film noirish. Uma as Vesper. Lots of close-ups of her feet, in nylons, as she kicks off her high heels... Lots, m'kay... slo mo, split screen: feet! Michael Madsen as LeChiffre. What's that? You used him last movie? No worries. Toothpick Vic, Damian Falco, Le Chiffre: s'all good, man; s'all the same vibe. Carpet beater torture scene. He doesn't give a flying f...k what Bond knows or doesn't know. He's gonna torture him anyway, regardless... cos it's amusing to him, to torture a Brit spy! Robert Forster as Rene Mathis. World-weary. Enough to get the heroes and villains all mixed up. With or without the French accent, m'kay? Probably without. Brad Pitt as 'Card Sense' Jimmy Leiter. Texan, with straw coloured hair. Samuel L. Jackson as Nick 'M' Fury, Agent of Shie... err.. Head of the Brit Secret Service. His 'Eyes-Patch Only' file on Le Chiffre is the one which says 'Motherf.....r' on the docket, right? Kickin' ass. "The path of the righteous Brit is beset on all sides by the tyranny of evil Redland!" Christoph Waltz as Hans Landa Blofeld. Cos it's really been SPECTRE's gig all along, m'kay? (Just like in F.R.W.L. A f......g cool movie, by the way! Props to your step-dad, Mikey!) Climax is a total f.....g bloodbath. Dead Brits. Dead Bulgars. Bond is super pissed. The bitch is dead now. And *I* get total artistic control...
MGW: Thank you, Quentin. We'll... err... get back to you...
BROSNAN: C'mon, guys (hick)! He's our man. This sh.t will rock and roll!
BABS: Hmm, what was that he was saying about a blonde Bond?
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
Harry: So we’re sure that Sean isn’t coming back?
Cubby: Nope. I offered him half the GDP of a medium-sized country, an Aston Martin DB5, and a delicatessen in stainless steel but he still said “never again”.
Guy: So, it’s Roger Moore then.
Cubby: It’s Roger Moore.
Harry: Well, we better get on with it. Tom, what are your thoughts?
Cubby: And don’t make it like “Dr No”, this being Roger’s first.
Tom: Well, I thought we shouldn’t see Bond straight away but start with the deaths of British agents. M briefs Bond, very early in the morning, to find out what happened to the agents. We see Bond in his apartment with a beautiful lady. He arrives at an airport where he’s picked up by a driver who dies soon afterwards. He’s facing off against the ruler of a mysterious Caribbean island who uses the title “Dr” and keeps the superstitious natives away by arousing their fears. Bond will be attacked in his hotel room by a scary creature, placed there by a henchman, but will kill it. A beautiful woman will try to lure him into a trap, but he’s wise to her. He still sleeps with her, though. He’ll be aided by Felix Leiter, of course, and local fisherman Quarrel, and we should see them in a small boat together. An important villain has a metal hand, or hands. And we should film in Jamaica.
Harry: So, not like “Dr No” at all, then.
Tom: No, not at all.
I somehow feel the same conversation was had about YOLT and TSWLM and again with Moonraker. )
Aboard a plane, somewhere in the skies above Africa. 1979.
Stewardess: So…this plan to kill James Bond?
Pilot:…Yes?
Stewardess:…Do I understand you correctly that on my signal you’re going to come in to the cabin, and then shoot the controls?
Pilot: That was what I generally had in mind. Any thoughts?
Stewardess: But…you’ll wreck the plane! You know how these airline contracts work. We’re legally obliged to land at Heathrow within fifteen minutes of the appointed arrival time, otherwise they’ll dock our pay. Apollo Airlines are fully committed to making sure that 80% of flights meet their advertised schedules on time this year…
Pilot: (menacing laugh) I’m afraid that will be impossible.
Stewardess: Do you know how expensive the overheads are for budget airlines nowadays? Not to mention the petrol costs, the maintenance crews, and hiring the hangars on the ground?
Pilot: The death of James Bond is of far greater importance.
Stewardess: Not to my boss, it isn’t! If we lose a plane, there’ll have to be cutbacks. We’ll be forced to drop Ibiza and Crete from the summer routes…
Pilot: A necessary sacrifice. Now welcome Mister Bond aboard, please.
Stewardess: Where are the complementary peanuts and the in-flight magazine? Apollo pride ourselves on our customer service...
Pilot: Just get ready, will you?
Stewardess: OK. (sigh) I knew I should have stayed with Ryanair…
Harry: So we’re sure that Sean isn’t coming back?
...................
Tom: No, not at all.
I somehow feel the same conversation was had about YOLT and TSWLM and again with Moonraker. )
Might do that next! (Unless someone beats me to it)
1977. (Eon HQ, orbiting Earth.)
Cubby: Well, I’d like to welcome back Lewis Gilbert to the Bond team. It’s been, what ten years since you directed “You Only Live Twice”?
Lewis: Yes, that’s right, Cubby.
Cubby: Let me introduce you to my right hand man, my stepson Michael G. Wilson.
Lewis: Hello, Michael.
MGW: Hello, Lewis.
Cubby: And our writers, Dick Maibaum and Christopher Wood.
Dick/Christopher: Hello.
Lewis: Hello there.
Cubby: Any thoughts, Lewis?
Lewis: Well, my first thought is that I’d like to not just do “You Only Live Twice” all over again.
Cubby: Dick and Christopher, what have you got?
Dick: We’re thinking that the villain is trying to cause war between East and West by stealing crafts belonging to them.
Christopher: Yes, using a vessel which opens up to swallow them.
Dick: In fact, that’s how we’re going to open the movie.
Christopher: Then we meet Bond, who is of course in bed with a beautiful woman-
Dick: - who’s part of a plot to kill him-
Christopher: - which of course he survives-
Dick: - then he gets his mission briefing-
Christopher: - and off he goes to an exotic location he’s not been to before-
Dick: -where he meets a series of contacts.
Christopher: Bond, while using a false name, gets to meet a villain and his glamorous secretary. After the meeting, the villain says “kill him”.
Christopher: After which the bad guys obviously try to kill him-
Dick: - and we have a car chase, with Bond and his lady in a white sports car being chased by the bad guys in a black car, trying to shoot them.
Christopher: Don’t forget the helicopter, Dick.
Dick: Oh yeah, there’s a helicopter too.
Christopher: The villain kills a sexy lady working for him by making her fall into a pool containing-
Dick: - some sort of dangerous fish. We’ll deal with that later.
Christopher: Oh, and the villain has a big strong henchman that Bond fights near the climax-
Dick: - who also ends up in the pool.
Christopher: Bond and the main lady get into the villain’s base, which must be really spectacular.
Cubby: Ken Adam?
Dick: Oh yes, it has to be Ken. Really huge base with the stolen craft-
Christopher: - and a control room separated from the main part-
Everybody: (All together.) And a monorail!
Dick: Bond frees the imprisoned crews from the captured craft-
Christopher: - and we have a gigantic pitched battle. Guns, grenades, you name it-
Dick: - with Bond having to get into the “impregnable” control room-
Christopher: - where just in time he destroys the villain’s craft, before WW3 is caused.
Dick: And we finish with Bond and the leading lady in a small boat, just about to make out-
Christopher: -before being interrupted by M & co.
Lewis: So, not like “You Only Live Twice” at all, then.
Dick/Christopher: No, not at all.
(Let me know which ones I missed. And yes, I know that Wood and Maibaum worked separately not together)
John Barry: … right, that’s the cue for Bond meeting Scaramanga done. What’s next?
Engineer: Let me see… oh yes, “Let’s Go Get ‘Em”, the car chase.
Barry: Ah right, I haven’t quite got that one finalised- there’s a bit in the middle I’ve left open, where Bond's car jumps a bridge.
Leader Of The Orchestra: What were you thinking to use there, John?
Barry: It’s a quick crescendo and diminuendo- perhaps piccolo?
Flautist: I’ve got my piccolo with me.
Barry: Well, let’s try it. Ready? (The orchestra play through “Let’s Go Get ‘Em”, with a brief piccolo break in the middle.)
Leader: What do you think?
Barry: ...Na… not quite right. Let’s go the opposite direction- tuba!
Leader: Perhaps bassoon?
Barry: No, I’m saving that for Nick Nack. Tuba it is. (They try again, with the tuba doing the little rising/falling part.)
Leader: I wasn’t sure about that.
Barry: Me neither.
Leader: So, you’re after some sort of sliding effect...?
Barry: Yes, with a whistling tone. (They look at each other for a moment, then-)
Together: Slide whistle!!! (They record the piece with slide whistle.)
Barry: I don’t know why I didn’t think of that earlier.
Leader: Yes, people will be talking about it for years to come.
Cubby Broccoli: Ah, Richard. Do come in and sit down.
Richard Maibaum: Thanks.
Cubby Broccoli: So what ideas have you brought along for the next Bond film?
Richard Maibaum: Well, I was thinking we needed to go down a more serious route. Get back to the gritty realism of the early Connerys. We ought to do something in the style of From Russia With Love…
Cubby Broccoli: That sounds great. But whatever you come up with has to be fresh and exciting, understand? We can’t just copy an earlier film and hope nobody notices…
Richard Maibaum: (hastily) Ah, yes. Absolutely. I agree.
Cubby Broccoli: So what’s the story for “Bond 12”, then?
Richard Maibaum: Well, we start by reminding the audience of a Bond girl from a previous film, before Bond is called away for his mission…
Cubby Broccoli: OK…
Richard Maibaum: 007 is sent to recover a secret codebreaking device…
Cubby Broccoli: Go on…
Richard Maibaum: One of the villains, whose surname must start with the letter “K”, works for the KGB, and is often seen on a boat…
Cubby Broccoli: Yeah…
Richard Maibaum: Another villain is Blofeld…
Cubby Broccoli: *cough* Who??
Richard Maibaum: Don’t worry about it, Cubby…
Cubby Broccoli: OK, keep talking…
Richard Maibaum: There’s a flamboyant ally, of course, with his own band of henchmen, and an impressive moustache. We have Bond’s local MI6 contact on the ground, who dies. At the end the main Bond girl shoots dead the KGB villain, while Bond gets involved in a fight with a big blond henchman. This henchman’s also trained by the KGB, by the way…
Cubby Broccoli: Brilliant! That’s nothing like From Russia With Love at all, is it?
Richard Maibaum: Of course not, Cubby.
Cubby Broccoli: Good. I’ll call up John Glen and tell him to get here on Monday morning, alright?
Richard Maibaum: That’s fine by me.
Cubby Broccoli: Terrific work, Richard. Care for a drink?
1965. (Clock Tower, London. There is the sound of knocking, which continues as the attendant approaches the door.)
Attendant: Here’s a knocking indeed! If a man were porter of hell-gate, he should have old turning the key. (Knock.) Knock, knock, knock! Who’s there, i’ the name of Beelzebub? (He opens the door.)
Man: Good evening, I’m from the Ministry.
Attendant: Oh yes?
Man: I believe you should have had a call telling you about this?
Attendant: Ah, yes, that I did. Come in, please. (The man enters the tower.)
Man: Which way to the lift?
Attendant: Lift? (He laughs.) No lift here, Mr… what is your name, anyway?
Man: Macduff. No lift, you say?
Attendant: No, indeed. Stairs are over here. (They begin to climb the stairs.)
Attendant: I don’t mind telling you that this is most irregular, sir, most irregular.
Macduff: As a matter of fact I agree with you, but the orders came from the very top.
Attendant: ...which is where we’re going! (Laughs at his own joke.)
Macduff: This is a long climb.
Attendant: 334 steps, Mr Macduff. They've been here just over a hundred years, a hundred and six if I recall.
Macduff: Indeed. My first time in the tower, though.
Attendant: Aye, not many come in here. This place is too cold.
Macduff: Is there much further to go?
Attendant: Not far now- ah, here we are. (They emerge in a room full of levers, ropes and pulleys.)
Macduff: (Catching his breath back.) I think we’re here just in time, it’s about two minutes to six.
Attendant: Are you sure you want to do this? Last time it occurred was by mechanical failure during a violent electrical storm in 1898. Since then, always right.
Macduff: I’m afraid so. Which switch do you press?
Attendant: Nothing as modern as a switch. You just give me the nod, and I’ll pull this rope here. (The chimes begin to sound, before Big Ben rings six times. Macduff gives the attendant the nod, and the rope is pulled for a seventh chime.)
Attendant: Makes me a little sad.
Macduff: I assure you, this was very important. And thank you.
Attendant: Anon, anon.
Comments
The Duke: I’m getting fed up with this.
The Queen: One must be patient, Philip.
The Duke: But we’ve been driving round the block since April!
The Queen: It is not long now until November.
The Duke: Hmph, well, I hope it’s better than the last one.
(The glass separating the Royal couple from the chauffeur slides aside.)
Chauffeur: Begging your pardon, Your Majesty, telephone call.
(A phone is handed over.)
The Queen: Yes, it is I…. What? Again?
The Duke: What is it, Liz?
The Queen: Driver, keep going round the block.
Chauffeur: How long for, ma’am?
The Queen: Until April 2nd, next year.
The Duke: Oh, for fuc-
The Queen: Philip!
Barbel, Charmed & Dangerous, The Spy Who Never Dies, Thunderpussy
No-one has seen the whole thing, except me, so if any of the authors comment they're not patting their own backs.
2012. (Buckingham Palace.)
A butler: For you, ma’am. (Hands the Queen a white envelope on a silver tray.)
The Duke: That looks official. What is it?
The Queen: It looks like an invitation.
The Duke: (Rolling his eyes.) Haven’t we fulfilled our quota for this year?
The Queen: I do like the sound of this!
The Duke: (Groans.) Another garden party, I suppose.
The Queen: Something very different, something rather exciting. The Olympics Committee want to film in the palace.
The Duke: What! (Snorts.) What do they want, a close up of the corgis?
The Queen: No, Philip, a short film with James Bond. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. That sort of thing.
The Duke: Oh, no!
The Queen: One is attracted to the idea.
The Duke: ….but dammit all, Elizabeth, it’s undignified!
The Queen: You are an old stick-in-the-mud sometimes, Philip, do you know that? One just feels that it is time for one to try something different, for a change.
The Duke: Cameras in the hallway, cameras in the study. It’s an intrusion, I tell you!
The Queen: They will not be going near any of the private areas, just like with that Sherlock Holmes chap and his friends.
The Duke: Oh yes, that Benedict Cumbersomething wandering around here naked. Awful!
The Queen: (Quietly.) Awful….
The Duke: And that Craig fellow needn’t think he’s going to do the same thing!
The Queen: (Slight smile.) Oh, awful…
The Duke: Terrible!
The Queen: I have made my mind up, Philip. I’m going to do it.
The Duke: Can’t we just get Charles to do it?
The Queen: Who would want to see that?
The Duke: I know! Let’s get Andrew to do an interview!
The Queen: Philip!
(Eon HQ, on top of an Alp.)
BB: ...so this would be an important feather in our cap, working closely with the Palace on such a prominent undertaking, which is why Michael and I have invited you, Bond directors past and present, to join us at this planning stage.
MGW: At this point we’re looking for ideas.
Campbell: Who’s going to direct?
BB: Danny is, that’s already decided.
Boyle: I see this as my first step to directing a Bond film proper.
Forster: Can't see anything going wrong with that.
Mendes: I don’t know, I just can’t see enough subtext to work with.
Forster: I have this vision…
(MGW’s finger hovers over the button marked “Forster”.)
Forster: ...but it’s not quite formulated yet, just give me some time.
(MGW’s finger relaxes… for the moment.)
Apted: I’d like to have been involved seven years ago, shot some footage then, then some more now, and then more in another seven years.
MGW: I don’t think that’s quite practical, Michael.
Apted: And the Queen’s getting on a bit- I’d like to replace her with a younger actress.
BB: Again, that’s not realistic. Who did you have in mind?
Apted: Why, Denise Richards of course.
(MGW’s finger stabs down on the button labelled “Apted”. Apted’s chair ejects through a newly-opened slot in the ceiling. Through the window he can be seen faintly in the distance.)
BB: Now that's what I call a sky fall.
MGW: I’ve been aching to give that a try. Funny, I didn’t think it would be him, though.
BB: Yeah, my money was on-
Forster: I’ve got it! Lead, silver, gold, platinum! Each scene will have a different theme! And we’ll shoot the Queen’s entrance from sixteen different angles, all lasting only half a second on film, and-
(MGW presses the button marked “Forster”. Forster’s chair sinks rapidly through the floor, which shuts over it.)
BB: Twice in one day!
(There is the sound of knocking at the door.)
Muffled Voice: Let me in! I know you’re in there!
Boyle: Who’s that?
MGW: Sshhh! It’s Lee Tamahori. Everyone stay quiet, he’ll go away eventually.
(The Palace.)
Boyle: ….so, Your Majesty, Daniel here will be filmed coming into the Palace, met by your staff, and shown to your study where you greet him and-
The Queen: One is not sure.
The Duke: Hmph!
The Queen: I feel I should be working when Mr… er, Connery?
Craig: Craig, ma’am.
The Queen: Oh yes. I should be sitting at my desk when Mr Moore comes in and be seen to be at work.
The Duke: And I shall be helping, of course.
Boyle: Er, we’ll discuss that later, Your Highness.
(One of the corgis begins to sniff at Craig’s leg.)
The Queen: I shall turn and say “Good evening, Mr Bond” or similar before we leave the study.
Craig: Yes, ma’am.
(The corgi begins to show great interest in Craig’s left leg. He keeps a poker face while gently trying to shoo the dog away.)
The Duke: And the usual Bond ladies will be there too, I hope?
Boyle: Ah, I think it’s better if Daniel enters alone.
(The corgi begins to hump Daniel’s leg. He tries to shake it off.)
The Queen: So, Mr Dalton-
Craig: Craig, ma’am.
The Queen: Oh, of course. He enters my study, waits until I greet him, and we leave together.
Boyle: Yes, that’s it.
(A second corgi appears and sniffs at Craig’s other leg. He is beginning to have difficulty standing still.)
The Duke: And the beautiful ladies are waiting outside the study?
Boyle: No! ...er, no sir. Just the usual Buckingham Palace staff.
The Duke: (Disappointed.) Oh.
The Queen: That will be enough for the moment, gentlemen. My secretary will give you a further appointment tomorrow.
Boyle/Craig: Yes, Your Majesty.
(Boyle and Craig leave, Craig with a corgi on each leg.)
Boyle: (As they walk away.) Well, I think that went very well, don’t you Daniel? The knighthood is in the bag!
Craig: (Mutters.) Wish these f***ing dogs were….
(Pinewood Studios canteen.)
Dame Judi: I've just been speaking with Danny Boyle.
Rory: Oh yes?
Dame Judi: Seems he's filming the opening segment for the Olympic Games tomorrow.
Rory: Nice work- are you involved?
Dame Judi: Not quite- but he told me that Her Majesty is to be accompanied by the greatest James Bond ever. Of course, I asked him what time Sean Connery was arriving... but Danny took in it good humour, you know how close he is to Daniel Craig.
(At that moment, Rowan Atkinson is passing, and smiles at them.)
Dame Judi: Did you hear that, Rowan? Danny Boyle is filming the opening segment for the Olympic Games and requires the services of Her Majesty's greatest secret agent.
Rory: And it's not who you think it is: he's English.
Rowan: (Beaming from ear to ear.) How wonderful. Her Majesty's greatest secret agent is indeed ...English.
(He almost runs to the phone.)
Rowan: Griff?
Rhys Jones: Hi Rowan- what's up?
Rowan: I've just been told that a certain Danny Boyle requires the services of none other than Johnny English! Filming starts tomorrow. I just have time to press my dinner jacket!
(24 hours later. Outside Buckingham Palace. A Mini Cooper pulls up, and Rowan jumps out. A corgi runs over and starts humping his leg.)
Equerry: (To a footman standing close by.) They didn't tell me that Mr Bean was filming too, but that was brilliant! (He beckons Rowan over.) This way, Mr, ah, Bean.
Rowan: The name's English.... Johnny English. Licenced to.... what is that corgi doing?
(Outside the helicopter.)
The Duke: So exciting! It’ll be just like that scene in your latest Bond film, Mr Moore.
Daniel: It’s Mr Craig, Your Highness…
The Duke: Yes, that one where you jump off the cliff, and the Union Jack parachute opens at the last possible second. (He turns to the Queen.) I’ve packed your ‘chute dear… say when…
The Queen: (Aside, to Craig.) Mr Brosnan, may I swap with your chute?
Daniel: Umm… of course Your Majesty. (Whispers to Boyle.) Pierce was on set earlier, and insisted on packing my parachute, should I let Her Majesty know?
Boyle: Perhaps you might get HM to sign-off on that knighthood before the jump, eh?
(Craig gives him a look as they walk towards the helicopter. Rowan Atkinson arrives just in time to see it ascend, the Queen and Craig visible through its window. Rowan runs over.)
Rowan: Er, sir?
The Duke: Ah, hello, Mr Bean! Wasn’t expecting you as well as James Bond!
Rowan: (Light dawning.) ….ah.
The Duke: Anyway, what can I do for you?
(Rowan hands him the corgi.)
Rowan: Just returning this, sir.
(Inside the helicopter.)
The Queen: That's impressive, I love a big chopper.
Craig: Ma’am?
The Queen: Philip's got a big one, you know.
Craig: Sorry, ma’am?
The Queen: Oh it's not as nice as it once was, a bit older now, bits falling off it I think.
Craig: Er… that's interesting, ma'am.
The Queen: Charles used to love a go on it...
Craig: Really ma'am, I don't think that.....
The Queen: A Westland Wessex, big old thing, even Andrew used to fly it.
Craig: Oh!! I thought… er, nothing, ma’am.
The Queen: It's funny that Andrew should say he doesn't sweat. He was certainly "glowing" after I had had a word with him. Oh look, there's the Houses of Parliament.
Craig: The mother of all Parliaments, ma'am
The Queen: Yes, now filled with the biggest load of motherfu.....
(The engine noise from the helicopter drowns out the rest of what Her Majesty was saying, but she supplements it with hand gestures and finger puppetry.)
The Queen: .....and that David Cameron is another one!!!
Craig: Too right, ma’am.
(Suddenly Craig moves, opening the door and pulling out his PPK, and shooting at a passing helicopter which crashes on Westminster Bridge.)
The Queen: Amazing shooting, I'm surprised you could hit that from here with only a hand gun!
Craig: I'm sure many will be arguing about that for years to come.
(Craig closes the door.)
The Queen: Oh what fun! Now remember, Mr Lazenby, what have you to aim for?
Craig: I am to try and land on Meghan Markle.
The Queen: Exactly. Oh, we seem to be here. Look, there is the German team marching out.
Craig: How can you tell that they’re the German team from here?
The Queen: They are all wearing green trainers. Now, I do believe that is the Norwegian team following. What would you say, Mr Niven, twenty of them?
Craig: I think they number 24, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Good. Now, time for me to prove why I'm the commander and chief.
Craig: Yes?
The Queen: Are you ready to jump, Mr Craig…. or can I call you Daniel?
Craig: (Gobsmacked.) You knew? You knew all along?
The Queen: But of course. (Winks.) One has to have one’s fun. Like my corgis, I was just pulling your leg. Now, 3...2...1. Jump!
(They both jump from the helicopter, opening two beautiful Union Jacks.)
(Hope you liked it, Spy Who Never Dies- it was all your idea!)
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
Barbel, you are definitely the John Barry of AJB - both composing and conducting! Fantastic contributions from TP and Spy too! {[]
And the photos are perfect.
Harry: So we’re sure that Sean isn’t coming back?
Cubby: Nope. I offered him half the GDP of a medium-sized country, an Aston Martin DB5, and a delicatessen in stainless steel but he still said “never again”.
Guy: So, it’s Roger Moore then.
Cubby: It’s Roger Moore.
Harry: Well, we better get on with it. Tom, what are your thoughts?
Cubby: And don’t make it like “Dr No”, this being Roger’s first.
Tom: Well, I thought we shouldn’t see Bond straight away but start with the deaths of British agents. M briefs Bond, very early in the morning, to find out what happened to the agents. We see Bond in his apartment with a beautiful lady. He arrives at an airport where he’s picked up by a driver who dies soon afterwards. He’s facing off against the ruler of a mysterious Caribbean island who uses the title “Dr” and keeps the superstitious natives away by arousing their fears. Bond will be attacked in his hotel room by a scary creature, placed there by a henchman, but will kill it. A beautiful woman will try to lure him into a trap, but he’s wise to her. He still sleeps with her, though. He’ll be aided by Felix Leiter, of course, and local fisherman Quarrel, and we should see them in a small boat together. An important villain has a metal hand, or hands. And we should film in Jamaica.
Harry: So, not like “Dr No” at all, then.
Tom: No, not at all.
TARANTINO: Period Bond, m'kay? (Hick!) 1950s. Casino Royale. Hoagy Carmichael style, with a Brylcreamed comma of black hair falling untidily over the forehead. If we go with Pierce. Or a Brylcreamed comma of *blonde* hair if we go with Tim. Roth, I mean... not Dalton. No offence, Pierce! Film noirish. Uma as Vesper. Lots of close-ups of her feet, in nylons, as she kicks off her high heels... Lots, m'kay... slo mo, split screen: feet! Michael Madsen as LeChiffre. What's that? You used him last movie? No worries. Toothpick Vic, Damian Falco, Le Chiffre: s'all good, man; s'all the same vibe. Carpet beater torture scene. He doesn't give a flying f...k what Bond knows or doesn't know. He's gonna torture him anyway, regardless... cos it's amusing to him, to torture a Brit spy! Robert Forster as Rene Mathis. World-weary. Enough to get the heroes and villains all mixed up. With or without the French accent, m'kay? Probably without. Brad Pitt as 'Card Sense' Jimmy Leiter. Texan, with straw coloured hair. Samuel L. Jackson as Nick 'M' Fury, Agent of Shie... err.. Head of the Brit Secret Service. His 'Eyes-Patch Only' file on Le Chiffre is the one which says 'Motherf.....r' on the docket, right? Kickin' ass. "The path of the righteous Brit is beset on all sides by the tyranny of evil Redland!" Christoph Waltz as Hans Landa Blofeld. Cos it's really been SPECTRE's gig all along, m'kay? (Just like in F.R.W.L. A f......g cool movie, by the way! Props to your step-dad, Mikey!) Climax is a total f.....g bloodbath. Dead Brits. Dead Bulgars. Bond is super pissed. The bitch is dead now. And *I* get total artistic control...
MGW: Thank you, Quentin. We'll... err... get back to you...
BROSNAN: C'mon, guys (hick)! He's our man. This sh.t will rock and roll!
BABS: Hmm, what was that he was saying about a blonde Bond?
I somehow feel the same conversation was had about YOLT and TSWLM and again with Moonraker.
Stewardess: So…this plan to kill James Bond?
Pilot:…Yes?
Stewardess:…Do I understand you correctly that on my signal you’re going to come in to the cabin, and then shoot the controls?
Pilot: That was what I generally had in mind. Any thoughts?
Stewardess: But…you’ll wreck the plane! You know how these airline contracts work. We’re legally obliged to land at Heathrow within fifteen minutes of the appointed arrival time, otherwise they’ll dock our pay. Apollo Airlines are fully committed to making sure that 80% of flights meet their advertised schedules on time this year…
Pilot: (menacing laugh) I’m afraid that will be impossible.
Stewardess: Do you know how expensive the overheads are for budget airlines nowadays? Not to mention the petrol costs, the maintenance crews, and hiring the hangars on the ground?
Pilot: The death of James Bond is of far greater importance.
Stewardess: Not to my boss, it isn’t! If we lose a plane, there’ll have to be cutbacks. We’ll be forced to drop Ibiza and Crete from the summer routes…
Pilot: A necessary sacrifice. Now welcome Mister Bond aboard, please.
Stewardess: Where are the complementary peanuts and the in-flight magazine? Apollo pride ourselves on our customer service...
Pilot: Just get ready, will you?
Stewardess: OK. (sigh) I knew I should have stayed with Ryanair…
"The spectre of defeat..."
Might do that next! (Unless someone beats me to it)
I wouldn't be at all surprised if that's what had happened.
1977. (Eon HQ, orbiting Earth.)
Cubby: Well, I’d like to welcome back Lewis Gilbert to the Bond team. It’s been, what ten years since you directed “You Only Live Twice”?
Lewis: Yes, that’s right, Cubby.
Cubby: Let me introduce you to my right hand man, my stepson Michael G. Wilson.
Lewis: Hello, Michael.
MGW: Hello, Lewis.
Cubby: And our writers, Dick Maibaum and Christopher Wood.
Dick/Christopher: Hello.
Lewis: Hello there.
Cubby: Any thoughts, Lewis?
Lewis: Well, my first thought is that I’d like to not just do “You Only Live Twice” all over again.
Cubby: Dick and Christopher, what have you got?
Dick: We’re thinking that the villain is trying to cause war between East and West by stealing crafts belonging to them.
Christopher: Yes, using a vessel which opens up to swallow them.
Dick: In fact, that’s how we’re going to open the movie.
Christopher: Then we meet Bond, who is of course in bed with a beautiful woman-
Dick: - who’s part of a plot to kill him-
Christopher: - which of course he survives-
Dick: - then he gets his mission briefing-
Christopher: - and off he goes to an exotic location he’s not been to before-
Dick: -where he meets a series of contacts.
Christopher: Bond, while using a false name, gets to meet a villain and his glamorous secretary. After the meeting, the villain says “kill him”.
Christopher: After which the bad guys obviously try to kill him-
Dick: - and we have a car chase, with Bond and his lady in a white sports car being chased by the bad guys in a black car, trying to shoot them.
Christopher: Don’t forget the helicopter, Dick.
Dick: Oh yeah, there’s a helicopter too.
Christopher: The villain kills a sexy lady working for him by making her fall into a pool containing-
Dick: - some sort of dangerous fish. We’ll deal with that later.
Christopher: Oh, and the villain has a big strong henchman that Bond fights near the climax-
Dick: - who also ends up in the pool.
Christopher: Bond and the main lady get into the villain’s base, which must be really spectacular.
Cubby: Ken Adam?
Dick: Oh yes, it has to be Ken. Really huge base with the stolen craft-
Christopher: - and a control room separated from the main part-
Everybody: (All together.) And a monorail!
Dick: Bond frees the imprisoned crews from the captured craft-
Christopher: - and we have a gigantic pitched battle. Guns, grenades, you name it-
Dick: - with Bond having to get into the “impregnable” control room-
Christopher: - where just in time he destroys the villain’s craft, before WW3 is caused.
Dick: And we finish with Bond and the leading lady in a small boat, just about to make out-
Christopher: -before being interrupted by M & co.
Lewis: So, not like “You Only Live Twice” at all, then.
Dick/Christopher: No, not at all.
(Let me know which ones I missed. And yes, I know that Wood and Maibaum worked separately not together)
John Barry: … right, that’s the cue for Bond meeting Scaramanga done. What’s next?
Engineer: Let me see… oh yes, “Let’s Go Get ‘Em”, the car chase.
Barry: Ah right, I haven’t quite got that one finalised- there’s a bit in the middle I’ve left open, where Bond's car jumps a bridge.
Leader Of The Orchestra: What were you thinking to use there, John?
Barry: It’s a quick crescendo and diminuendo- perhaps piccolo?
Flautist: I’ve got my piccolo with me.
Barry: Well, let’s try it. Ready?
(The orchestra play through “Let’s Go Get ‘Em”, with a brief piccolo break in the middle.)
Leader: What do you think?
Barry: ...Na… not quite right. Let’s go the opposite direction- tuba!
Leader: Perhaps bassoon?
Barry: No, I’m saving that for Nick Nack. Tuba it is.
(They try again, with the tuba doing the little rising/falling part.)
Leader: I wasn’t sure about that.
Barry: Me neither.
Leader: So, you’re after some sort of sliding effect...?
Barry: Yes, with a whistling tone.
(They look at each other for a moment, then-)
Together: Slide whistle!!!
(They record the piece with slide whistle.)
Barry: I don’t know why I didn’t think of that earlier.
Leader: Yes, people will be talking about it for years to come.
Cubby Broccoli: Ah, Richard. Do come in and sit down.
Richard Maibaum: Thanks.
Cubby Broccoli: So what ideas have you brought along for the next Bond film?
Richard Maibaum: Well, I was thinking we needed to go down a more serious route. Get back to the gritty realism of the early Connerys. We ought to do something in the style of From Russia With Love…
Cubby Broccoli: That sounds great. But whatever you come up with has to be fresh and exciting, understand? We can’t just copy an earlier film and hope nobody notices…
Richard Maibaum: (hastily) Ah, yes. Absolutely. I agree.
Cubby Broccoli: So what’s the story for “Bond 12”, then?
Richard Maibaum: Well, we start by reminding the audience of a Bond girl from a previous film, before Bond is called away for his mission…
Cubby Broccoli: OK…
Richard Maibaum: 007 is sent to recover a secret codebreaking device…
Cubby Broccoli: Go on…
Richard Maibaum: One of the villains, whose surname must start with the letter “K”, works for the KGB, and is often seen on a boat…
Cubby Broccoli: Yeah…
Richard Maibaum: Another villain is Blofeld…
Cubby Broccoli: *cough* Who??
Richard Maibaum: Don’t worry about it, Cubby…
Cubby Broccoli: OK, keep talking…
Richard Maibaum: There’s a flamboyant ally, of course, with his own band of henchmen, and an impressive moustache. We have Bond’s local MI6 contact on the ground, who dies. At the end the main Bond girl shoots dead the KGB villain, while Bond gets involved in a fight with a big blond henchman. This henchman’s also trained by the KGB, by the way…
Cubby Broccoli: Brilliant! That’s nothing like From Russia With Love at all, is it?
Richard Maibaum: Of course not, Cubby.
Cubby Broccoli: Good. I’ll call up John Glen and tell him to get here on Monday morning, alright?
Richard Maibaum: That’s fine by me.
Cubby Broccoli: Terrific work, Richard. Care for a drink?
"The spectre of defeat..."
(I liked Cubby coughing at the mention of Blofeld :007) )
Anybody fancy pointing out how AVTAK in no way resembles GF?
Attendant: Here’s a knocking indeed! If a man were porter of hell-gate, he should have old turning the key. (Knock.) Knock, knock, knock! Who’s there, i’ the name of Beelzebub?
(He opens the door.)
Man: Good evening, I’m from the Ministry.
Attendant: Oh yes?
Man: I believe you should have had a call telling you about this?
Attendant: Ah, yes, that I did. Come in, please.
(The man enters the tower.)
Man: Which way to the lift?
Attendant: Lift? (He laughs.) No lift here, Mr… what is your name, anyway?
Man: Macduff. No lift, you say?
Attendant: No, indeed. Stairs are over here.
(They begin to climb the stairs.)
Attendant: I don’t mind telling you that this is most irregular, sir, most irregular.
Macduff: As a matter of fact I agree with you, but the orders came from the very top.
Attendant: ...which is where we’re going! (Laughs at his own joke.)
Macduff: This is a long climb.
Attendant: 334 steps, Mr Macduff. They've been here just over a hundred years, a hundred and six if I recall.
Macduff: Indeed. My first time in the tower, though.
Attendant: Aye, not many come in here. This place is too cold.
Macduff: Is there much further to go?
Attendant: Not far now- ah, here we are.
(They emerge in a room full of levers, ropes and pulleys.)
Macduff: (Catching his breath back.) I think we’re here just in time, it’s about two minutes to six.
Attendant: Are you sure you want to do this? Last time it occurred was by mechanical failure during a violent electrical storm in 1898. Since then, always right.
Macduff: I’m afraid so. Which switch do you press?
Attendant: Nothing as modern as a switch. You just give me the nod, and I’ll pull this rope here.
(The chimes begin to sound, before Big Ben rings six times. Macduff gives the attendant the nod, and the rope is pulled for a seventh chime.)
Attendant: Makes me a little sad.
Macduff: I assure you, this was very important. And thank you.
Attendant: Anon, anon.