After all that noise and chaos abroad the couple really need to go home to England where everything is safe and familiar. Enjoy the simple things in life, like a romantic walk by the Thames and on the Westminster Bridge. 🙂
2015. Westminster Bridge, London. A couple stroll hand in hand through the dark.
Wife: Oh, I’ve had enough of those foreign places.
Husband: Yes, me too.
Wife: All that noise, all that hassle.
Husband: It’s good to be back here for some peace and quiet.
Wife: Yes, and like Rome the streets are unusually empty.
Husband: Just like that train we were on.
(There is an enormous explosion.)
Wife: What was that?
Husband: I don’t know- it sounded like a huge building being blown up!
Wife: And now what? What’s making that noise?
Husband: I don’t know- a helicopter? A speedboat? Both?
Wife: Gunfire! Not again!
(A helicopter noisily crashes onto the bridge in front of them.)
Husband: Oh for heaven’s sake, what now?
(A man with a facial scar crawls from the wreckage of the helicopter. Another strides towards him, gun in hand. The couple look at each other, aghast.)
2021. James Bond, accompanied by his friend Felix Leiter, waits in a queue for petrol. They are naturally in Bond’s Aston Martin DB5.
Felix: Is this what they call the “new normal” for you Brits?
James: I’m afraid so- for the moment, anyway.
Felix: How long do you think we’ll be?
James: No way to tell.
Felix: At the rate these kinda cars use petrol you’ll be lucky to make it to the pump, and I ain’t pushing.
(Bond’s thumb lovingly caresses the gear knob.)
Felix: I know- use your machine guns and blow the other cars away! We’ll be there in no time!
James: (Exasperated.) Felix, we’re the good guys, remember?
Felix: Oh, I remember all right- and just you take your hand off that gearstick, brother.
(James relaxes, his hand returning to the steering wheel.)
Felix: I hear that there ain’t any drivers to transport the fuel to the filling stations, is that it?
James: Well, that’s part of it.
(A Volkswagen is passing by. The driver, a youngish man with dark hair and square glasses, recognises the DB5. He slows, and waves at them. James sullenly waves back.)
Felix: Who was that?
James: That, my friend, was Q.
Felix: Q? I thought he was an old guy and has retired.
James: Yes, but this was the current Q. (He sighs.)
Felix: Why wasn’t Q in the queue?
James: Electric car.
Felix: Oh, so there’s no new Q due in the fuel queue?
But for balance about who buys electric cars I can mention my friend in Bergen. He owns a Tesla. He also served with the NATO forces in Bosnia, he comes up here to hunt in a week and chop wood for the winter. Sorry for not being funny.
28th September 2021. The home of Mr & Mrs Bondfan.
Mrs: Aren’t you getting ready, darling?
Mr: What do you mean?
Mrs: It’s the premiere tonight! No Time To Die! I’ve got your tuxedo all pressed and ready.
Mr: Hmph. I’m not falling for that again.
Mrs: Not falling for that? But it’s in all the papers!
Mr: They’ll print anything these days.
Mrs: And in the news- Royal Premiere, Charles and Camilla, William and Kate. And all the stars of course.
Mr: Look, I fell for that back in November 2019, then again in February 2020, then in April 2020, and again in November 2020.
Mrs: But this time-
Mr: This time I won’t believe it until Daniel Craig walks through our front door and personally asks me!
Mrs: (Seeing her nice night with the girls fading before her eyes.) But darling, this time it’s for real!
Mr: This time I won’t believe it until I see Daniel Craig standing in the Royal Albert Hall wearing a pink jacket and shaking hands with Kate Middleton!
2021. Heaven. St Peter sits waiting as a man approaches.
St Peter: Welcome, welcome. And what is your name?
Man: Bond. James Bond.
St Peter: Entrance to heaven is not automatic. Can you tell me if there is anything good that you might have done, to deserve entrance?
Bond: Well, I have saved the world from certain destruction. Several times as a matter of fact.
St Peter: Now that is a very good thing, and it certainly counts massively in your favour. Have you ever done anything brave in your time?
Bond: I have fought against impossible odds, beaten seemingly indestructible villains, and all for very little personal gain.
St Peter: Now that I am very impressed with. Tell me, did you do anything that one may consider heroic?
Bond: Yes, I have rescued many, many helpless damsels from certain death at the hands of heartless evil men.
St Peter: Ah, yes. (Consults a scroll.) Now that you mention damsels, (He unfurls the scroll, which is very long.) it would appear that your conduct there has not always been without reproach.
Bond: I have to admit that this is true. I have often seen women as disposable pleasures rather than meaningful pursuits.
St Peter: Nevertheless, it would appear that very often you have risked your own life to, as you say, rescue helpless damsels from certain death. At least twenty-five times, depending on the manner of counting. I shall, as I believe the saying goes, give you a pass on that one.
Bond: Thank you.
St Peter: However, I have had a word with St Ian over there.
(Bond looks over at a tall, elegant man with a Vodka Martini in one hand and a cigarette in a holder in the other.)
Bond: Oh?
St Peter: And it would appear that your work on Earth is unfinished. The world will always need a hero who is not a perfect man, but one who can be trusted to do the right thing. A knight in tarnished armour, one who understands the difference between right and wrong. And one who is and always will be bigger than any actor that has portrayed him.
Bond: You mean you’re sending me back down to Earth?
St Peter: Yes, Mr Bond. This is, truly, no time to die.
This one's a collaborative effort between Barbel, Gymkata and myself, based on an original idèa by Barbel.
2020 - EON offices, somewhere in a bunker.
MGW walks into a plush office to see Barbara seated at a large desk, poking through a dusty box.
Barbara: Michael, I've been going through Dad's things and I found this. (She holds out a small, tatty-looking black book).
MGW: What is it?
Barbara: It's Dad's address book. (She passes it to him).
MGW: How nostalgic. Anything interesting in it?
Barbara: Let's see. (She starts to scroll through it). 'A' is pretty well-thumbed. The entry for 'Adams, Maud' is quite worn. Hmmm. An entry for 'Allen, Woody?' is crossed through - underneath it there's another entry which says 'Niven, David?' That's also crossed through. Oh, and 'Adam, Ken' - some doodles next to his name. Are they....
MGW: Yes, those are dollar signs. Anything else?
Barbara: Let's see.... ooh, the most heavily-thumbed page.
MGW: 'S', for Saltzman?
Barbara: No, 'V' - for Van Der Zyl, Nikki. The 'S' page is completely covered with Dad's doodles of dollar signs, so many I can barely make out but there appears to be just two names: 'Saltzman'... and what's the other one ... oh yes, I can see it now. 'Sean'.
MGW: Oh. Any other interesting ones?
Barbara: There's a fairly fresh entry under 'B' for 'Brosnan, Pierce'.
MGW: You might want to hold the phone away from your ear if you called that number, Barbara. (He pauses, then points to a page). That page looks busy. What is it?
Barbara: 'M'. Let's see. 'Michael Caine: not right for Bond, consider him for something else. Doesn't Len Deighton have a book or two?'. 'McGoohan, Patrick' - looks like Dad started to write the number a few times, but he only got as far as one digit each time; number six, and he never got any further. Oh well. And another one, 'Monty'. That's been crossed through heavily but it doesn't look like Dad's writing... oh wait, did he lend the book to John Barry?
MGW: Barbara, is that a scorch mark at the foot of the page? Looks like.. I can just make out the letters.. M-C... C-L-O-R... oh. (He pauses again). Say, how about the previous page, 'L'? Looks busy...
Barbara: 'Lazenby, George' - Dad's bookmarked that with a packet of aspirin. Oh yes, I can also make out 'Llewelyn, Desmond'. There's a big coffee stain on the page next to a date in 1973. Looks like Dad wrote the number in again the following year. Hmm, here's another: 'Lewis Gilbert: See also, Lighting, Opticians and Kubrick, Stanley'; and dozens more of Dad's doodles of dollar signs.
MGW: What's that page? The last one in the book?
Barbara: That? Oh, it just says: 'Contact in case of emergency: Dame Shirley Bassey'...
Don't read this unless you've seen "No Time To Die".
2021. The Broccoli mansion. MGW lies fast asleep, clutching his bunny Dou Dou. A ghostly figure materializes in the room.
Ghost: Michael….
MGW: Hmph... zzzz...
Ghost: Michael!
(Michael wakes up.)
MGW: What? Who is it?
Ghost: It is I, the spirit of Albert R. Broccoli- your stepfather, remember?
MGW: Cubby? Is that really you?
Ghost: It most certainly is, and I have returned from my slumbers to remonstrate with you over the most foul thing which you have done.
MGW: Well, I know "Another Way To Die" was incredibly foul but that was over thirteen years ago now and-
Ghost: No, not that! Although that was definitely very foul indeed. I am referring to the most dreadful thing which you have done with your latest, much-delayed, effort which you had the nerve to name after one of my old films from long ago.
MGW: Yes, but you see, Bond has retired and it only makes sense that M would have to give his number to someone else-
Ghost: No, not that either! I am talking about the terrible thing which you permitted to happen at the end of the film, an awful thing which many have said betrays the spirit and very idea of James Bond, which I fostered for oh so many long years and thought I had successfully passed along to you to take care of.
MGW: (Light dawning.) Oh that! Look Cubby, you have to understand- that was Barbara's idea, it wasn't mine!
Ghost: And you didn't try to talk her out of it?
MGW: She's inherited Mother's temperament- do you remember ever succeeding in talking Mother out of something after she'd made her mind up?
Ghost: Ah, you may have a point there.
MGW: So I suggest you go and try to-
(There is a most dreadful wailing from the next room.)
MGW: Barbara! What's happening?
Ghost: She is being visited by the ghost- or perhaps I should say the spectre- of Ian Fleming. That'll be him pulling the arms and legs off her lifesize Daniel Craig teddy bear.
Don't read the above unless you've seen "No Time To Die".
2005. Production meeting, “Thomas Crown 2”. Pierce Brosnan as producer is consulting with the team.
Writer: So, we’re doing a remake of the 1960s movie “Topkapi” then?
Pierce Brosnan: That’s right, and I want you to insert the character of Thomas Crown into it. In “The Thomas Crown Affair” he was stealing art- in this one he’s after jewellery.
Director: And you still want to shoot in Istanbul, like the original?
Brosnan: I’d like that, but I’m not committed to it.
Writer: Would you like to have the same “putting the gang together” element of the plot?
Brosnan: It’s okay, if you like.
Director: And would you want the same tone as in “The Thomas Crown Affair”?
Brosnan: Preferably, but it’s not essential.
Writer: Do you think Crown should be part of the gang, or the one putting it all together?
Brosnan: I’ll leave that up to you.
Director: Are we aiming for under two hours or over?
Brosnan: Look, I'll level with you- as long as I get to wear a tuxedo, drink vodka martinis shaken not stirred, introduce myself as “The name’s Crown- Thomas Crown”, and drive an Aston Martin DB5 with the registration plate FU EON then I will be very happy to leave the rest to you guys. Make sure it's ready the same time as "Casino Royale".
M:…. Congratulations and welcome to the team, “007”.
007: I’m delighted sir – especially that you’ve seen fit to assign me that number following the sad demise of my illustrious predecessor.
M (leaning down, he presses a button on his intercom): Moneypenny? Send in Q, please. (He turns back to 007) Bond was working on something big, and I need you to retrace his footsteps, so Q has something for you.
Q (entering M’s office): Good morning, 007. Here it is: Bond’s phone. It has the same phone number. Good luck.
One week later.
007: Sir, I have the honour to request that you accept my resignation... effective forthwith.
M: What the devil?
007: Bond’s phone. I can’t take it anymore! In the past week I’ve had fourteen calls from restaurants and other watering-holes welcoming me back to London after my sabbatical in Jamaica, but complaining about ‘no-shows’. I’ve had six calls from tailors, including Luigi at Tom Ford, asking me when I’m turning up for a fitting. Hermes are constantly sending me emails to say that they’ve been unable to deliver crates of vodka, bourbon, champagne.
M: Oh.
007: Not to mention the constant bombardment of ‘booty calls’ after midnight. I haven’t had a wink of sleep!
M: Hmmmmph.
007: The final straw was the call I got this morning from a voice saying: “We’re calling about your recent accident…”
M: Well to be fair, 007, we all get those ‘fishing’ calls from ambulance chasers trying their luck.
007: Yes we do. Except this one listed the ongoing fallout from the destruction of an ancestral home in Scotland, a plaza in Mexico City, and a fresh claim for the virtual annihilation of an entire hill-top town in Southern Italy…
Comments
I'm sure the agent soon sold the chalet to someone else. I hear many didn't find the incident to be particularly dramatic or dangerous-looking. 🤓
I believe the couple now went for a holiday, to a place called L'Americain. I trust they got their peace and quiet there.
To be followed by an elegant train ride through the desert.
2015. A train going through the desert. A couple eat their evening meal in the dining car.
Wife: Oh darling, at last, peace and quiet.
Husband: Yes, and it’s not even very busy here.
Wife: I feel like I haven’t slept for weeks- all that noise at L’Americain!
Husband: I know- it sounded like some drunken idiot trying to knock a wall down, it was ridiculous!
Wife: And more than that, I think the place- oh, look at the dress that woman is wearing! Fabulous!
Husband: Fabulous….
Wife: You keep your eyes off her figure or I’ll start eyeing up that man she’s with, the one in the white dinner jacket.
Husband: Anyway, you were saying?
Wife: I was saying that I think the place was infested- rats, or mice! I heard them scurrying around.
Husband: Well, we’re away from all that now. Just you and me and some peace and quiet.
Wife: Just what we’ve always wanted.
(A large man brushes past them...)
After all that noise and chaos abroad the couple really need to go home to England where everything is safe and familiar. Enjoy the simple things in life, like a romantic walk by the Thames and on the Westminster Bridge. 🙂
2015. Westminster Bridge, London. A couple stroll hand in hand through the dark.
Wife: Oh, I’ve had enough of those foreign places.
Husband: Yes, me too.
Wife: All that noise, all that hassle.
Husband: It’s good to be back here for some peace and quiet.
Wife: Yes, and like Rome the streets are unusually empty.
Husband: Just like that train we were on.
(There is an enormous explosion.)
Wife: What was that?
Husband: I don’t know- it sounded like a huge building being blown up!
Wife: And now what? What’s making that noise?
Husband: I don’t know- a helicopter? A speedboat? Both?
Wife: Gunfire! Not again!
(A helicopter noisily crashes onto the bridge in front of them.)
Husband: Oh for heaven’s sake, what now?
(A man with a facial scar crawls from the wreckage of the helicopter. Another strides towards him, gun in hand. The couple look at each other, aghast.)
Wife: Jamaica?
Husband: Norway!
2021. James Bond, accompanied by his friend Felix Leiter, waits in a queue for petrol. They are naturally in Bond’s Aston Martin DB5.
Felix: Is this what they call the “new normal” for you Brits?
James: I’m afraid so- for the moment, anyway.
Felix: How long do you think we’ll be?
James: No way to tell.
Felix: At the rate these kinda cars use petrol you’ll be lucky to make it to the pump, and I ain’t pushing.
(Bond’s thumb lovingly caresses the gear knob.)
Felix: I know- use your machine guns and blow the other cars away! We’ll be there in no time!
James: (Exasperated.) Felix, we’re the good guys, remember?
Felix: Oh, I remember all right- and just you take your hand off that gearstick, brother.
(James relaxes, his hand returning to the steering wheel.)
Felix: I hear that there ain’t any drivers to transport the fuel to the filling stations, is that it?
James: Well, that’s part of it.
(A Volkswagen is passing by. The driver, a youngish man with dark hair and square glasses, recognises the DB5. He slows, and waves at them. James sullenly waves back.)
Felix: Who was that?
James: That, my friend, was Q.
Felix: Q? I thought he was an old guy and has retired.
James: Yes, but this was the current Q. (He sighs.)
Felix: Why wasn’t Q in the queue?
James: Electric car.
Felix: Oh, so there’s no new Q due in the fuel queue?
(James reaches for the gear knob.)
It makes perfect sense that Q has an electric car. He's modern, young and science-minded.
Credit where it's due- that was Bride of Barbel's idea.
A good idea.
But for balance about who buys electric cars I can mention my friend in Bergen. He owns a Tesla. He also served with the NATO forces in Bosnia, he comes up here to hunt in a week and chop wood for the winter. Sorry for not being funny.
😂😂😂😂 That last line - nearly killed me 😁
28th September 2021. The home of Mr & Mrs Bondfan.
Mrs: Aren’t you getting ready, darling?
Mr: What do you mean?
Mrs: It’s the premiere tonight! No Time To Die! I’ve got your tuxedo all pressed and ready.
Mr: Hmph. I’m not falling for that again.
Mrs: Not falling for that? But it’s in all the papers!
Mr: They’ll print anything these days.
Mrs: And in the news- Royal Premiere, Charles and Camilla, William and Kate. And all the stars of course.
Mr: Look, I fell for that back in November 2019, then again in February 2020, then in April 2020, and again in November 2020.
Mrs: But this time-
Mr: This time I won’t believe it until Daniel Craig walks through our front door and personally asks me!
Mrs: (Seeing her nice night with the girls fading before her eyes.) But darling, this time it’s for real!
Mr: This time I won’t believe it until I see Daniel Craig standing in the Royal Albert Hall wearing a pink jacket and shaking hands with Kate Middleton!
(The next day Mr Bondfan reads the newspapers.)
Mr: Oh God…..
😂😂😂 I loved the ending (probably a bit more than NTTD's!)
😁 From what I've been reading, it seems many would feel the same way!
Please don't read this unless you've seen NTTD.
2021. Heaven. St Peter sits waiting as a man approaches.
St Peter: Welcome, welcome. And what is your name?
Man: Bond. James Bond.
St Peter: Entrance to heaven is not automatic. Can you tell me if there is anything good that you might have done, to deserve entrance?
Bond: Well, I have saved the world from certain destruction. Several times as a matter of fact.
St Peter: Now that is a very good thing, and it certainly counts massively in your favour. Have you ever done anything brave in your time?
Bond: I have fought against impossible odds, beaten seemingly indestructible villains, and all for very little personal gain.
St Peter: Now that I am very impressed with. Tell me, did you do anything that one may consider heroic?
Bond: Yes, I have rescued many, many helpless damsels from certain death at the hands of heartless evil men.
St Peter: Ah, yes. (Consults a scroll.) Now that you mention damsels, (He unfurls the scroll, which is very long.) it would appear that your conduct there has not always been without reproach.
Bond: I have to admit that this is true. I have often seen women as disposable pleasures rather than meaningful pursuits.
St Peter: Nevertheless, it would appear that very often you have risked your own life to, as you say, rescue helpless damsels from certain death. At least twenty-five times, depending on the manner of counting. I shall, as I believe the saying goes, give you a pass on that one.
Bond: Thank you.
St Peter: However, I have had a word with St Ian over there.
(Bond looks over at a tall, elegant man with a Vodka Martini in one hand and a cigarette in a holder in the other.)
Bond: Oh?
St Peter: And it would appear that your work on Earth is unfinished. The world will always need a hero who is not a perfect man, but one who can be trusted to do the right thing. A knight in tarnished armour, one who understands the difference between right and wrong. And one who is and always will be bigger than any actor that has portrayed him.
Bond: You mean you’re sending me back down to Earth?
St Peter: Yes, Mr Bond. This is, truly, no time to die.
(St Peter sends Bond back down to….?)
Nothing here, I deleted it.
That first one is possibly THE most perfect imaginary conversation yet 🍸🍸🍸
Thanks, C&D. I've been thinking- I'll delete the 2nd part, and just leave the main one.
Keep them both! 🍸
This one's a collaborative effort between Barbel, Gymkata and myself, based on an original idèa by Barbel.
2020 - EON offices, somewhere in a bunker.
MGW walks into a plush office to see Barbara seated at a large desk, poking through a dusty box.
Barbara: Michael, I've been going through Dad's things and I found this. (She holds out a small, tatty-looking black book).
MGW: What is it?
Barbara: It's Dad's address book. (She passes it to him).
MGW: How nostalgic. Anything interesting in it?
Barbara: Let's see. (She starts to scroll through it). 'A' is pretty well-thumbed. The entry for 'Adams, Maud' is quite worn. Hmmm. An entry for 'Allen, Woody?' is crossed through - underneath it there's another entry which says 'Niven, David?' That's also crossed through. Oh, and 'Adam, Ken' - some doodles next to his name. Are they....
MGW: Yes, those are dollar signs. Anything else?
Barbara: Let's see.... ooh, the most heavily-thumbed page.
MGW: 'S', for Saltzman?
Barbara: No, 'V' - for Van Der Zyl, Nikki. The 'S' page is completely covered with Dad's doodles of dollar signs, so many I can barely make out but there appears to be just two names: 'Saltzman'... and what's the other one ... oh yes, I can see it now. 'Sean'.
MGW: Oh. Any other interesting ones?
Barbara: There's a fairly fresh entry under 'B' for 'Brosnan, Pierce'.
MGW: You might want to hold the phone away from your ear if you called that number, Barbara. (He pauses, then points to a page). That page looks busy. What is it?
Barbara: 'M'. Let's see. 'Michael Caine: not right for Bond, consider him for something else. Doesn't Len Deighton have a book or two?'. 'McGoohan, Patrick' - looks like Dad started to write the number a few times, but he only got as far as one digit each time; number six, and he never got any further. Oh well. And another one, 'Monty'. That's been crossed through heavily but it doesn't look like Dad's writing... oh wait, did he lend the book to John Barry?
MGW: Barbara, is that a scorch mark at the foot of the page? Looks like.. I can just make out the letters.. M-C... C-L-O-R... oh. (He pauses again). Say, how about the previous page, 'L'? Looks busy...
Barbara: 'Lazenby, George' - Dad's bookmarked that with a packet of aspirin. Oh yes, I can also make out 'Llewelyn, Desmond'. There's a big coffee stain on the page next to a date in 1973. Looks like Dad wrote the number in again the following year. Hmm, here's another: 'Lewis Gilbert: See also, Lighting, Opticians and Kubrick, Stanley'; and dozens more of Dad's doodles of dollar signs.
MGW: What's that page? The last one in the book?
Barbara: That? Oh, it just says: 'Contact in case of emergency: Dame Shirley Bassey'...
Don't read this unless you've seen "No Time To Die".
2021. The Broccoli mansion. MGW lies fast asleep, clutching his bunny Dou Dou. A ghostly figure materializes in the room.
Ghost: Michael….
MGW: Hmph... zzzz...
Ghost: Michael!
(Michael wakes up.)
MGW: What? Who is it?
Ghost: It is I, the spirit of Albert R. Broccoli- your stepfather, remember?
MGW: Cubby? Is that really you?
Ghost: It most certainly is, and I have returned from my slumbers to remonstrate with you over the most foul thing which you have done.
MGW: Well, I know "Another Way To Die" was incredibly foul but that was over thirteen years ago now and-
Ghost: No, not that! Although that was definitely very foul indeed. I am referring to the most dreadful thing which you have done with your latest, much-delayed, effort which you had the nerve to name after one of my old films from long ago.
MGW: Yes, but you see, Bond has retired and it only makes sense that M would have to give his number to someone else-
Ghost: No, not that either! I am talking about the terrible thing which you permitted to happen at the end of the film, an awful thing which many have said betrays the spirit and very idea of James Bond, which I fostered for oh so many long years and thought I had successfully passed along to you to take care of.
MGW: (Light dawning.) Oh that! Look Cubby, you have to understand- that was Barbara's idea, it wasn't mine!
Ghost: And you didn't try to talk her out of it?
MGW: She's inherited Mother's temperament- do you remember ever succeeding in talking Mother out of something after she'd made her mind up?
Ghost: Ah, you may have a point there.
MGW: So I suggest you go and try to-
(There is a most dreadful wailing from the next room.)
MGW: Barbara! What's happening?
Ghost: She is being visited by the ghost- or perhaps I should say the spectre- of Ian Fleming. That'll be him pulling the arms and legs off her lifesize Daniel Craig teddy bear.
Don't read the above unless you've seen "No Time To Die".
😂😂😂😂😂 Aah, this new film gives so much mileage...
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
That's very realistic I think. BB probably has a life size Daniel Craig Teddy bear in her bedroom.
Thank you, guys.
2021. The Brosnan household. Mrs Brosnan returns home.
Mrs B: Hello, darling- I’m home!
(There’s no reply. Puzzled, she goes looking and eventually finds Pierce in their home gym, working hard with weights.)
Mrs B: Pierce, darling, what on Earth are you doing?
Pierce: Nothing. I thought I’d take a little exercise.
Mrs B: You must be joking!
(He puts the weights down and goes to work on the rowing machine.)
Mrs B: Be careful, don’t go too fast!
Pierce: I’ll be careful, my love, don’t worry.
(She looks at him more closely.)
Pierce: What’s up?
Mrs B: I don’t know, you look different somehow.
Pierce: Well, nothing’s changed, it’s still me-
Mrs B: You’ve dyed your hair!
Pierce: What? No, I haven’t!
Mrs B: Oh yes you have, your hair is jet black again, just like it was back when you were playing James Bo… Oh, I see.
Pierce: Nonsense, it must just be a trick of the light.
(He goes to the treadmill.)
Mrs B: Trick of the light, indeed! I know what you’re up to!
(She pulls out a pile of current newspapers, all with headlines reading “Craig’s Last Bond” or variations on the same.)
Pierce: Really darling, I haven’t the foggiest idea what you think-
Mrs B: Look, Pierce my love, it’s been a long time since you last played James Bond.
Pierce: Sean Connery came back after years away!
Mrs B: Yes, but he was 53 at the time. You’re nearly sev…. (She sees the look in his eyes.)…. er, a bit older than that.
Pierce: You don’t understand, I really have to do this.
Mrs B: But why?
Pierce: If I’m not James Bond again, then I have to go to the Greek islands and start singing and dancing again in another “Mamma Mia” movie!
Mrs B: Oh God- quick, what’s Barbara Broccoli’s number?
There's an idea we haven't touched on.... yet.
Yes, I think you're right. Loved Topkapi, btw.
2005. Production meeting, “Thomas Crown 2”. Pierce Brosnan as producer is consulting with the team.
Writer: So, we’re doing a remake of the 1960s movie “Topkapi” then?
Pierce Brosnan: That’s right, and I want you to insert the character of Thomas Crown into it. In “The Thomas Crown Affair” he was stealing art- in this one he’s after jewellery.
Director: And you still want to shoot in Istanbul, like the original?
Brosnan: I’d like that, but I’m not committed to it.
Writer: Would you like to have the same “putting the gang together” element of the plot?
Brosnan: It’s okay, if you like.
Director: And would you want the same tone as in “The Thomas Crown Affair”?
Brosnan: Preferably, but it’s not essential.
Writer: Do you think Crown should be part of the gang, or the one putting it all together?
Brosnan: I’ll leave that up to you.
Director: Are we aiming for under two hours or over?
Brosnan: Look, I'll level with you- as long as I get to wear a tuxedo, drink vodka martinis shaken not stirred, introduce myself as “The name’s Crown- Thomas Crown”, and drive an Aston Martin DB5 with the registration plate FU EON then I will be very happy to leave the rest to you guys. Make sure it's ready the same time as "Casino Royale".
😂😂😂
🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣 "FU EON"
2021, M's office, London.
M:…. Congratulations and welcome to the team, “007”.
007: I’m delighted sir – especially that you’ve seen fit to assign me that number following the sad demise of my illustrious predecessor.
M (leaning down, he presses a button on his intercom): Moneypenny? Send in Q, please. (He turns back to 007) Bond was working on something big, and I need you to retrace his footsteps, so Q has something for you.
Q (entering M’s office): Good morning, 007. Here it is: Bond’s phone. It has the same phone number. Good luck.
One week later.
007: Sir, I have the honour to request that you accept my resignation... effective forthwith.
M: What the devil?
007: Bond’s phone. I can’t take it anymore! In the past week I’ve had fourteen calls from restaurants and other watering-holes welcoming me back to London after my sabbatical in Jamaica, but complaining about ‘no-shows’. I’ve had six calls from tailors, including Luigi at Tom Ford, asking me when I’m turning up for a fitting. Hermes are constantly sending me emails to say that they’ve been unable to deliver crates of vodka, bourbon, champagne.
M: Oh.
007: Not to mention the constant bombardment of ‘booty calls’ after midnight. I haven’t had a wink of sleep!
M: Hmmmmph.
007: The final straw was the call I got this morning from a voice saying: “We’re calling about your recent accident…”
M: Well to be fair, 007, we all get those ‘fishing’ calls from ambulance chasers trying their luck.
007: Yes we do. Except this one listed the ongoing fallout from the destruction of an ancestral home in Scotland, a plaza in Mexico City, and a fresh claim for the virtual annihilation of an entire hill-top town in Southern Italy…