2021. M’s office. He’s sipping a little malt whisky. The intercom buzzes.
Moneypenny: (On intercom.) Q’s here, sir.
M: Send him in.
(The door opens and Q nervously enters.)
Q: You wanted to see me, sir?
M: Indeed I did. Sit down there.
(Q sits down.)
M: I’ve been informed that you have a problem with flying.
(Q glances at the door through which Moneypenny is sitting.)
M: Never mind how I know. Is this true?
Q: Well…
M: Is it true?
Q: Yes! I’ve been afraid of planes since I was a boy. I hate flying on them, I’m always convinced that they’re going to crash.
M: We can’t have this irrational fear in a senior member of MI6. Suppose I had to ask you to be on a plane helping our agents on the ground off the coast of Asia?
Q: Well, I could take the ferry then a train-
M: That would take days, Q!
(Q’s mouth flaps but no words emerge.)
M: Right, you’re immediately going on a course to overcome your fear of flying. It’s the only thing to do.
Q: (Glumly.) Yes, sir. Where is this course?
M: (A devilish gleam in his eye.) Jamaica.
Q: (Horrorstruck.) Jamaica?
M: Oh yes. For some reason a disproportionate number of our cases seem to take place there. Moneypenny will give you your ticket.
(Q turns to leave and opens the door.)
M: By the way, Q, have you injected yourself with Smartblood?
Q: Yes, months ago. (A little puzzled.) Why, sir?
M: Oh, nothing in particular... (Clears his throat and shuffles some papers around on his desk.) Just wondering...
(A muffled giggle can be heard from Moneypenny’s office.)
(The next day, M’s office. M is pointing a remote control at the wall behind his desk, pushing buttons and getting nowhere.)
M: Tanner, come here and give me a hand with this thing.
Tanner: Yes, sir.
(Tanner takes the gadget and presses one button. The wall divides, revealing a very large screen with various subscreens around it displaying assorted meters and gauges.)
M: Thanks, now hang around- I may need you.
(The screen lights up, to reveal the current Prime Minister.)
M: Good morning, Prime Minister.
PM: Ah, there you are again, now what were you saying?
M: I was saying that the current transport and fuel crises we are experiencing are unlikely to be the result of Chinese hacking, and that I really don’t think the Russians are holding back truck drivers to ruin our Christmas.
PM: Ah, are you sure?
M: Have you considered the possibility, the extreme possibility, that these problems might, just might, somehow in some way be connected with Brexit?
(Moneypenny quietly enters the office, a box of popcorn behind her back.)
Moneypenny: Sir, I'm sorry to disturb you, but Operation Heart Attack is about to lift off.... er, I mean start... in five minutes.
M: Ah! Yes… Apologies, Prime Minister, but I have to see to this… national importance… sure you’ll understand.
(Tanner presses a button, making the waffling Prime Minister disappear. His image is replaced by a view of an airport concourse, with people walking back and forth. M, Moneypenny, and Tanner sit down in a row facing the screen.)
M: Is this it? (He pours some whisky for the three of them.)
Tanner: Yes, sir, we’ve tapped into the airport security camera. At any moment we should be able to see him…. There!
(On the screen Q can be seen, searching for the correct terminal. Moneypenny shares out some popcorn.)
Tanner: (In briefing mode.) Luckily the flight is a few minutes late, as per usual. Q's Smartblood readings will be on-screen.... now!
(The smaller subscreens now show Q’s blood pressure, pulse, etc.)
M: His blood pressure is a bit above normal, but within reasonable limits.
Moneypenny: He’s checking in now… Mmm, that’s a good-looking attendant.
M: (Engrossed in the screen.) Strange, his blood pressure just jumped.
(Tanner mumbles something to himself.)
Moneypenny: And now he’s heading for the plane…
M: His pulse is racing…
Tanner: Look at his blood pressure!
Moneypenny: Surely he’s aboard the plane by now?
Tanner: I’d think so.
M: What's happened? His blood pressure and pulse suddenly dropped and... and his brain activity has dropped significantly too!
Tanner: Maybe he’s fainted?
Moneypenny: It’s worse than that- the in-flight movie is the latest Fast & Furious film….
HQ: You’re going to be joined soon by a British agent.
Paloma: A British agent?
HQ: Well, to be accurate a retired British agent. His name is Bond. James Bond.
Paloma: Oh, I’ve heard of him.
HQ: He’s working with our man Leiter. You’re to get him into a meeting of Spectre agents.
Paloma: What? You know I’ve only been doing this job for three weeks?
HQ: It’s straightforward. Whatever he turns up wearing, you’ve to get him into a tuxedo.
Paloma: (Straightfaced.) A tuxedo.
HQ: Yes, it’s so he fits into the meeting. By the way, you must be wearing something appropriate, too.
Paloma: So I’m going to this meeting as well?
HQ: Yes, you are.
Paloma: OK, do you have the measurements for his tuxedo?
HQ: Hmmm...no.
Paloma: Well, I kinda need them. Is he tall? Stocky? What?
HQ: Well, I met him once. He's kinda average in terms of being tall, I guess.
Paloma: OK I'll tell the tailor 'average'. When it doesn't fit, I'm sure he won't blame me or anything.
HQ: Just do your best.
Paloma: Can I charge this on the corporate Amex?
HQ: No, it can't be traced. You'll need to use your personal account.
Paloma: But I've got nothing in there. You still haven't reimbursed me for the hotel in Miami that I had to book for my three weeks of training.
HQ: OK, we'll wire you some money into your account. It should be there by tomorrow...day after at the latest.
Paloma: OK, so you want me to overdraft then. Who's going to pay my overdraft fees?
HQ: Just expense them, we'll take care of you.
Paloma: You don't have the greatest record of taking care of me. I submitted my expense report two weeks ago and so far it's sitting in your queue to be approved. I know, I've checked it every day.
HQ: We'll get to it. You have to trust us, it's just the normal bureaucracy. We all have to deal with it.
Paloma: That's all very well and good but do you have any idea just how much tuxedos and evening dresses cost down here? Dress shoes? Do you? Add in last minute tailoring and it's gonna cost me. If you don't approve these expense reports right away, I'm in serious trouble.
HQ: Yes, well...
Paloma: And bear in mind, without exact measurements, the thing may not fit him anyways.
HQ: Hold on...I think I may have a contact for that in England. Money something or other. She'll probably know.
Paloma: Well, that's fine. But I'm going to sit here and stare at my screen until you approve my expense report that's pending. Once I see that go to 'in review', I'll head out.
HQ: Alright, a moment...
Paloma: Could you add in a little something extra so I can at least buy myself a proper drink?
HQ: Don't take the p!$$, Paloma.
Paloma: Diet Coke it is, then.
HQ: Now, this will be a meeting of Spectre agents from all around the world, and you have to fit in. Your mission is to intercept a scientist called Valdo Obruchev- photos will be sent immediately- and make sure that the British get him.
Paloma: Is that all?
HQ: Yes, that’s all. When the British have him, you leave the scene immediately. We must not be seen to be involved.
Paloma: Just you sort out my expenses and I’ll see that happens.
There is a scene in the movie "Max Manus" that's pretty simular to this. Manus and another SOE agent hands over a list of requirements for the next mission to the secretary at the SOE office in Stockholm. The secretary was as close to Miss Moneypenny as you can get in real life and the writer interviewed her while writing the script, so I think it's pretty close to real events. Anyway, she goes down the list. "Fake ID, plastic explosive, a coat ..... five cartons of cigarettes! A case of bourbon ... are you kidding me!" 😂
2013. M’s office. Moneypenny has handed him today’s mail, after it has been through the normal security checking process. He is surprised to find a disc addressed to him, and inserts it into his office computer. He is even more surprised to find the unmistakeable face of his predecessor, the late Olivia Mansfield, addressing him.
Mansfield: Hello, Mallory. If you’re seeing this, it means that I’m dead and you are the new M. Enjoying it much?
(Mallory grunts.)
Mansfield: I thought as much. This is a unique job, with many more stresses than rewards, as I’m sure you have discovered already. I hope you don’t mind some words from someone who held the job for many years. Firstly, by now you’ve probably had some friction with 007.
(Mallory pours himself a malt whisky.)
Mansfield: You don’t know whether to sack him or shoot him. Don’t worry, that’s normal. We all go through this stage, sometimes more than once.
Mallory: Very true.
Mansfield: However, resist the temptation. He is the best agent we’ve got, though I’ve never told him that, of course. Yes he takes chances, yes he can be insubordinate, but there’s no-one you can rely on more to see the mission through. One day he’ll take a chance too many and… well, let’s be honest, this is no time to lie- he won’t come back. But until then he is the one you can trust, no matter how much it may seem otherwise.
(Mallory pours himself another whisky.)
Mansfield: Let your deputies take some of the load from you, that’s what they’re there for. It’s too big a job to do otherwise. Give the admin work to Moneypenny and… and… that other fellow. Let them handle the day-to-day details.
That young chap I appointed as Quartermaster shows plenty of promise. I think he’ll turn out fine. Well, I think that’s all.
(Mallory heads for the whisky bottle again.)
Mansfield: Oh, one more thing- don’t drink too much of that whisky.
202? Moneypenny’s office. A hand appears round the door and tosses a hat unerringly onto the rack.
Moneypenny: James! Back from Reading already?
Bond: Yes, it’s amazing what they can do with e-scooters these days.
Moneypenny: Same old James. (He pinches her bottom as she gets up to the filing cabinet.) Only more so! You have to cut that out, this isn’t 1969 any more.
Bond: Care to discuss 69 round my place tonight?
Moneypenny: No I do not. Now, better get in to see M- he’s been expecting you.
(Bond enters M’s office.)
M: Ah there you are, 007. Good to see you back from that nasty explosion, several bullet wounds, and that nanobot business, although looking a little different may I say?
2021. James Bond is confronted by an agitated Bond fan.
Fan: James! James!
Bond: Hello, what is it?
Fan: I’m so glad I’ve caught you- Listen, Moneypenny has had dates with other men!
Bond: Oh? I’ve had dates with a thousand other women, what’s the problem?
Fan: But James, she’s supposed to be waiting for you!
Bond: Oh grow up, you didn’t really think she’d been waiting for me all these years, did you?
Fan: And Q is having dates with other men too!
Bond: So? What’s your problem?
Fan: But… but… M is drinking too much!
Bond: Have you stopped for a second and assessed the amount that I drink?
Fan: And you have a daughter!
Bond: After all these years of unprotected sex, that comes as a surprise? The only surprise is that I have only one.
Fan: But… but… you die at the end of the new film!
Bond: (Lifts an eyebrow in that very familiar manner we have all grown to know…. and love.) Really, I would have thought you would have known better than that. How many times do you live?
Fan: Well…
Bond: (Amused.) Come on, call yourself a Bond fan? How many times do you live?
Fan: (Reluctantly.) Twice.
Bond: And there you go. I’ll see you in the next movie…. whenever that is.
2019. Eon HQ writers’ room, in a disused toilet at Eon HQ.
Purvis: Okay, so Tanner is telling Bond about Blofeld talking to himself. We need a snappy thing for him to say.
Wade: Tanner gets to say something snappy?
Purvis: Yeah, this time we need that. He has to emphasise how crazy everyone thinks Blofeld is, so they don’t realise he’s using his bionic eye to communicate with Spectre.
Waller-Bridge: He’s as loony as a lunchboxful of lemurs?
Wade: Na, not that.
Fukunaga: As crazy as a capful of cats?
Purvis: Don’t like that much.
Wade: As potty as a purseful of puffins? A pocketful of pandas?
2019. Outside Madeleine’s place. Daniel Craig and Cary Fukunaga stand between the two cars there, an Aston Martin and a Toyota Land Cruiser.
Cary: ...so Bond realises that the bad guys are on to him and they have to get away. He straps young Mathilde into the back of the Land Cruiser, Madeleine gets into the front, then he-
Daniel: Hey wait a minute there- he throws his girlfriend and the kid into the Land Cruiser to escape the bad guys?
Cary: That’s right, then-
Daniel: He’s taking them away from the villains and he puts them into the Land Cruiser when there’s a perfectly good Aston Martin sitting there that he drove up in?
Cary: Yes, but-
Daniel: And you know that this vehicle (He pats the Aston Martin.) can do twice the speed of that one (He points to the Land Cruiser.) and drive circles around it?
Cary: And you know that the script has him go off road into some woods, where being in a Land Cruiser is a distinct advantage?
Daniel: And you don’t know that this Aston Martin is the one James Bond drove through ice and snow in “The Living Daylights”, it’s been “winterised” by Q, and has various very useful optional accessories fitted for when you’re being chased?
Cary: Er, is it?
Daniel: That it is.
Cary: Well, then, there’s a lot more room inside a Land Cruiser to get good shots of you and Lea and the girl.
Daniel: Weak excuse, Cary, what are you really after?
Cary: Me? Nothing!
Daniel: C’mon, out with it!
Cary: (Reluctantly.) Michael and Barbara said Toyota have paid them a lot of money to have their car in the film.
Daniel: Yes, let the villains drive them.
Cary: No, you don’t understand- they want James Bond to be driving their car. Guaranteed sales, you see.
Daniel: Ah, I see… well, come on girls- the Land Cruiser it is! What's that? Yes of course you can bring Dou-Dou!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,762Chief of Staff
James: I thought Christmas comes only once a year.
James gives Christmas a closed mouth kiss. After a few seconds Christmas gives an exasperated sigh.
Christmas: Actually...no. Not even once.
James: Seriously?
Christmas nods.
James sits up on the side of the bed.
James: But I thought you...twice.
Christmas: That was you.
Christmas gets out of bed and begins to get dressed.
Christmas: No wonder Electra was able to pull the wool over your eyes so easily. I'm not going to bother to fake it. I'm not an actress.
James: You're telling me. Are you saying this because I made a Christmas joke?
Christmas examines herself in the dresser mirror.
Christmas: No. Think about it, James. We've done it twice...technically. Yet my makeup and hair are still perfect. Neither of us have even broken a sweat. It was all too vanilla. Straight missionary. No changing positions. The closest thing to animalistic was when you lightly bit my shoulder. Once.
Christmas heads to the door.
James: Where are you going? You could ... instruct me with some more pointers.
Christmas: Sorry, lover. I have to catch a plane to Japan. Aerosmith is playing Osaka on New Year's Eve. Steven Tyler invited me.
Christmas gives a wink and exits the room.
James (to himself): Change up positions. Be more animalistic. Have to wait until I get back from North Korea in a few days.
2021. Outside Eon HQ… no, the real one. BB and MGW emerge, their limousine awaits.
BB: Well, that’s another hard day counting money done.
MGW: And another one ahead tomorrow.
BB: Are you sure you locked the door, Michael?
MGW: Yes, I did. (Rattles the door.) See?
BB: Well, let’s go.
(They get into their limousine and the chauffeur drives off. After a moment, three figures emerge from the shadows.)
Timmy: Ok, everyone ready?
Charlie: Yes, I’m ready. Esteban, you have the gear?
Esteban: Got it right here.
(He unfurls a long coil of rope and throws it up. A hook on the end catches on a windowsill.)
Estaban: (Testing the rope.) Ok, ready.
(One at a time, they begin to ascend the rope like Batman and Robin used to do back in the 1960s. They reach the window.)
Charlie: Timmy, you’ve got the glasscutter?
Timmy: Sure, I’ve got it.
(Timmy cuts a hole in the glass, reaches in and opens the window. The three silently enter and begin to look around.)
Esteban: Over here, guys. This door.
Timmy: Let’s go in.
(They enter a door and find a room with a desk and chairs.)
Charlie: This looks like it!
Timmy: I hope you’ve remembered to bring the most important thing!
Charlie: But of course.
(He pulls out a sealed letter and places it on the desk.)
Esteban: Come on, let’s go!
(They sneak back out through the window, closing it behind them, and climb back down the rope.)
Charlie: That’s us finished- split up now and get back home.
Timmy: See you later.
Esteban: Yes, catch you tomorrow.
(The three figures melt into the darkness. The night passes, and the next morning the Broccoli limousine returns. MGW and BB emerge and let themselves in, heading to their office.)
MGW: Well, let’s start- hello, what’s this here?
BB: A letter, but the post won’t have been delivered yet.
MGW: And it’s addressed to us!
(He opens the letter and passes it to his sister.)
BB: (Reading.) “Dear Michael and Barbara, Please please please- it goes on like this for some time- for God’s sake, don’t have any more of Bond’s family members turn up in the next movie. No children, sort-of mothers, sort-of brothers- none at all.”
MGW: Is it signed?
BB: Yes, but we’d be here all day reading the amount of signatures on it.
MGW: Hmmm, what do you think we should do?
BB: What we always do- ignore it completely and do just what we want.
MGW: As usual.
BB: (Listens intently.) Do you hear that?
MGW: Yes, don’t worry. It’s just your dad rolling in his grave again.
Late 2021. Eon writers’ room. Purvis paces frustratedly back and forward. Wade sits staring glumly at a blank computer screen. If this was the 1960s, there would be an ashtray sitting there overflowing with cigarette ends. Suddenly Wade begins typing. Purvis excitedly looks over his shoulder.
Purvis: You think…?
Wade: Could be.
Purvis: Naahhhh…
Wade: You’re right.
(He presses the delete button. Purvis begins to walk back and forward again. Wade resumes staring at the screen.)
Early 2022. Wade paces back and forward while Purvis sits staring at the blank screen. Empty coffee cups overflow the table. Wade suddenly stop pacing. Purvis looks at him excitedly. Wade gloomily shakes his head. If they had musical instruments, one would be yelling at the other to just "play the f**king note".
Mid 2022. A park near Eon HQ. Purvis and Wade walk by the duck pond, deep in thought. They walk for a couple of hours.
Purvis: Robert- I’ve got it!
Wade: You have?
Purvis: Yes- quick!
(They rush back to their room and Purvis sits at the keyboard.)
Purvis: Right, what was it?
Wade: What do you mean “what was it”?
Purvis: You said you’d got it!
Wade: No, that was you- you said you’d got it!
Purvis: No, it was definitely- oh wait, you’re right. It was me.
Wade: Well?
Purvis: (Sadly.) I’ve forgotten now.
Late 2022. Both of them are now pacing back and forward, the screen continues to lie blank. Suddenly the telephone rings.
Comments
Written with Number24, whose idea it was:
2021. M’s office. He’s sipping a little malt whisky. The intercom buzzes.
Moneypenny: (On intercom.) Q’s here, sir.
M: Send him in.
(The door opens and Q nervously enters.)
Q: You wanted to see me, sir?
M: Indeed I did. Sit down there.
(Q sits down.)
M: I’ve been informed that you have a problem with flying.
(Q glances at the door through which Moneypenny is sitting.)
M: Never mind how I know. Is this true?
Q: Well…
M: Is it true?
Q: Yes! I’ve been afraid of planes since I was a boy. I hate flying on them, I’m always convinced that they’re going to crash.
M: We can’t have this irrational fear in a senior member of MI6. Suppose I had to ask you to be on a plane helping our agents on the ground off the coast of Asia?
Q: Well, I could take the ferry then a train-
M: That would take days, Q!
(Q’s mouth flaps but no words emerge.)
M: Right, you’re immediately going on a course to overcome your fear of flying. It’s the only thing to do.
Q: (Glumly.) Yes, sir. Where is this course?
M: (A devilish gleam in his eye.) Jamaica.
Q: (Horrorstruck.) Jamaica?
M: Oh yes. For some reason a disproportionate number of our cases seem to take place there. Moneypenny will give you your ticket.
(Q turns to leave and opens the door.)
M: By the way, Q, have you injected yourself with Smartblood?
Q: Yes, months ago. (A little puzzled.) Why, sir?
M: Oh, nothing in particular... (Clears his throat and shuffles some papers around on his desk.) Just wondering...
(A muffled giggle can be heard from Moneypenny’s office.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
(The next day, M’s office. M is pointing a remote control at the wall behind his desk, pushing buttons and getting nowhere.)
M: Tanner, come here and give me a hand with this thing.
Tanner: Yes, sir.
(Tanner takes the gadget and presses one button. The wall divides, revealing a very large screen with various subscreens around it displaying assorted meters and gauges.)
M: Thanks, now hang around- I may need you.
(The screen lights up, to reveal the current Prime Minister.)
M: Good morning, Prime Minister.
PM: Ah, there you are again, now what were you saying?
M: I was saying that the current transport and fuel crises we are experiencing are unlikely to be the result of Chinese hacking, and that I really don’t think the Russians are holding back truck drivers to ruin our Christmas.
PM: Ah, are you sure?
M: Have you considered the possibility, the extreme possibility, that these problems might, just might, somehow in some way be connected with Brexit?
(Moneypenny quietly enters the office, a box of popcorn behind her back.)
Moneypenny: Sir, I'm sorry to disturb you, but Operation Heart Attack is about to lift off.... er, I mean start... in five minutes.
M: Ah! Yes… Apologies, Prime Minister, but I have to see to this… national importance… sure you’ll understand.
(Tanner presses a button, making the waffling Prime Minister disappear. His image is replaced by a view of an airport concourse, with people walking back and forth. M, Moneypenny, and Tanner sit down in a row facing the screen.)
M: Is this it? (He pours some whisky for the three of them.)
Tanner: Yes, sir, we’ve tapped into the airport security camera. At any moment we should be able to see him…. There!
(On the screen Q can be seen, searching for the correct terminal. Moneypenny shares out some popcorn.)
Tanner: (In briefing mode.) Luckily the flight is a few minutes late, as per usual. Q's Smartblood readings will be on-screen.... now!
(The smaller subscreens now show Q’s blood pressure, pulse, etc.)
M: His blood pressure is a bit above normal, but within reasonable limits.
Moneypenny: He’s checking in now… Mmm, that’s a good-looking attendant.
M: (Engrossed in the screen.) Strange, his blood pressure just jumped.
(Tanner mumbles something to himself.)
Moneypenny: And now he’s heading for the plane…
M: His pulse is racing…
Tanner: Look at his blood pressure!
Moneypenny: Surely he’s aboard the plane by now?
Tanner: I’d think so.
M: What's happened? His blood pressure and pulse suddenly dropped and... and his brain activity has dropped significantly too!
Tanner: Maybe he’s fainted?
Moneypenny: It’s worse than that- the in-flight movie is the latest Fast & Furious film….
Written with Gymkata and Charmed & Dangerous.
2021. CIA HQ, Cuba.
Paloma: Hello?
HQ: (On phone.) Hello, Paloma?
Paloma: I’m here.
HQ: You’re going to be joined soon by a British agent.
Paloma: A British agent?
HQ: Well, to be accurate a retired British agent. His name is Bond. James Bond.
Paloma: Oh, I’ve heard of him.
HQ: He’s working with our man Leiter. You’re to get him into a meeting of Spectre agents.
Paloma: What? You know I’ve only been doing this job for three weeks?
HQ: It’s straightforward. Whatever he turns up wearing, you’ve to get him into a tuxedo.
Paloma: (Straightfaced.) A tuxedo.
HQ: Yes, it’s so he fits into the meeting. By the way, you must be wearing something appropriate, too.
Paloma: So I’m going to this meeting as well?
HQ: Yes, you are.
Paloma: OK, do you have the measurements for his tuxedo?
HQ: Hmmm...no.
Paloma: Well, I kinda need them. Is he tall? Stocky? What?
HQ: Well, I met him once. He's kinda average in terms of being tall, I guess.
Paloma: OK I'll tell the tailor 'average'. When it doesn't fit, I'm sure he won't blame me or anything.
HQ: Just do your best.
Paloma: Can I charge this on the corporate Amex?
HQ: No, it can't be traced. You'll need to use your personal account.
Paloma: But I've got nothing in there. You still haven't reimbursed me for the hotel in Miami that I had to book for my three weeks of training.
HQ: OK, we'll wire you some money into your account. It should be there by tomorrow...day after at the latest.
Paloma: OK, so you want me to overdraft then. Who's going to pay my overdraft fees?
HQ: Just expense them, we'll take care of you.
Paloma: You don't have the greatest record of taking care of me. I submitted my expense report two weeks ago and so far it's sitting in your queue to be approved. I know, I've checked it every day.
HQ: We'll get to it. You have to trust us, it's just the normal bureaucracy. We all have to deal with it.
Paloma: That's all very well and good but do you have any idea just how much tuxedos and evening dresses cost down here? Dress shoes? Do you? Add in last minute tailoring and it's gonna cost me. If you don't approve these expense reports right away, I'm in serious trouble.
HQ: Yes, well...
Paloma: And bear in mind, without exact measurements, the thing may not fit him anyways.
HQ: Hold on...I think I may have a contact for that in England. Money something or other. She'll probably know.
Paloma: Well, that's fine. But I'm going to sit here and stare at my screen until you approve my expense report that's pending. Once I see that go to 'in review', I'll head out.
HQ: Alright, a moment...
Paloma: Could you add in a little something extra so I can at least buy myself a proper drink?
HQ: Don't take the p!$$, Paloma.
Paloma: Diet Coke it is, then.
HQ: Now, this will be a meeting of Spectre agents from all around the world, and you have to fit in. Your mission is to intercept a scientist called Valdo Obruchev- photos will be sent immediately- and make sure that the British get him.
Paloma: Is that all?
HQ: Yes, that’s all. When the British have him, you leave the scene immediately. We must not be seen to be involved.
Paloma: Just you sort out my expenses and I’ll see that happens.
Ah, the voice of experience.
😂😂😂
There is a scene in the movie "Max Manus" that's pretty simular to this. Manus and another SOE agent hands over a list of requirements for the next mission to the secretary at the SOE office in Stockholm. The secretary was as close to Miss Moneypenny as you can get in real life and the writer interviewed her while writing the script, so I think it's pretty close to real events. Anyway, she goes down the list. "Fake ID, plastic explosive, a coat ..... five cartons of cigarettes! A case of bourbon ... are you kidding me!" 😂
😂😂😂 The expense account sketch was long overdue- we should have done that ages ago!
😂😂😂 Would the Head of Budgeting at MI6 have the title of B? Or A for Accounting.
2013. M’s office. Moneypenny has handed him today’s mail, after it has been through the normal security checking process. He is surprised to find a disc addressed to him, and inserts it into his office computer. He is even more surprised to find the unmistakeable face of his predecessor, the late Olivia Mansfield, addressing him.
Mansfield: Hello, Mallory. If you’re seeing this, it means that I’m dead and you are the new M. Enjoying it much?
(Mallory grunts.)
Mansfield: I thought as much. This is a unique job, with many more stresses than rewards, as I’m sure you have discovered already. I hope you don’t mind some words from someone who held the job for many years. Firstly, by now you’ve probably had some friction with 007.
(Mallory pours himself a malt whisky.)
Mansfield: You don’t know whether to sack him or shoot him. Don’t worry, that’s normal. We all go through this stage, sometimes more than once.
Mallory: Very true.
Mansfield: However, resist the temptation. He is the best agent we’ve got, though I’ve never told him that, of course. Yes he takes chances, yes he can be insubordinate, but there’s no-one you can rely on more to see the mission through. One day he’ll take a chance too many and… well, let’s be honest, this is no time to lie- he won’t come back. But until then he is the one you can trust, no matter how much it may seem otherwise.
(Mallory pours himself another whisky.)
Mansfield: Let your deputies take some of the load from you, that’s what they’re there for. It’s too big a job to do otherwise. Give the admin work to Moneypenny and… and… that other fellow. Let them handle the day-to-day details.
That young chap I appointed as Quartermaster shows plenty of promise. I think he’ll turn out fine. Well, I think that’s all.
(Mallory heads for the whisky bottle again.)
Mansfield: Oh, one more thing- don’t drink too much of that whisky.
Mallory: (Startled.) What?
(The image fades from the screen.)
Courtesy of The Domino Effect and chums in this thread- Box Office Challenges - Page 3 — ajb007
202? Moneypenny’s office. A hand appears round the door and tosses a hat unerringly onto the rack.
Moneypenny: James! Back from Reading already?
Bond: Yes, it’s amazing what they can do with e-scooters these days.
Moneypenny: Same old James. (He pinches her bottom as she gets up to the filing cabinet.) Only more so! You have to cut that out, this isn’t 1969 any more.
Bond: Care to discuss 69 round my place tonight?
Moneypenny: No I do not. Now, better get in to see M- he’s been expecting you.
(Bond enters M’s office.)
M: Ah there you are, 007. Good to see you back from that nasty explosion, several bullet wounds, and that nanobot business, although looking a little different may I say?
Bond: That last mission… nearly killed me!
By Charmed & Dangerous, Gymkata, and me.
2021. Eon HQ, along the shore of Lake Garda. Barbara and Michael sit counting the money from “No Time To Die”.
BB: We’re in trouble here, Michael.
MGW: How? There’s millions here!
BB: Yes, but it’s less than “Spectre” and that was less than “Skyfall”.
MGW: Oh, Barbara, the circumstances are different- there’s Covid, for one thing.
BB: We delayed the film as long as we could.
MGW: Yes, but older people are still reluctant to go to the cinema and that’s where our main audience lies.
BB: The film has done well in the UK and Europe.
MGW: Not in the States, though. It’s hardly a flop but it isn’t doing the kind of money we need after letting it sit on the shelf for so long.
BB: So why do you think that should be? We spent hundreds of thousands on advertising!
MGW: Word of mouth- it can be your friend or your enemy. There just isn’t the buzz that we would want.
BB: Why should that be?
MGW: It’s the depressing ending. People aren’t leaving the cinemas full of joy and wanting to see it again, apart from the die-hard Bond fans.
BB: You mean, like with OHMSS?
MGW: Yes, like that. You’ll remember that that was the least profitable of all the James Bond films up to that point.
BB: Yes, so Dad and Harry made the next one lighter and funnier. It made millions more.
MGW: Well, of course having Sean Connery back as Bond helped enormously with that.
BB: So are you saying we have to have Daniel back again? (Eyes flutter.)
MGW: Not necessarily.
BB: (Disappointed.) Oh.
MGW: Let’s just make it… I don’t know… fun!
BB: Fun?
MGW: Yes, fun! A film people can enjoy, have a good time with, tell all their friends about.
BB: I'm not sure… That’s what we tried with “Die Another Day”.
MGW: And it made millions at the box office- more than “No Time To Die” is making!
BB: I see your point.
MGW: So we need a light-hearted Bond. Someone who can do comedy and is popular in the States.
BB: Oh...oh no...you don't mean...?
MGW: I'm afraid I do.
BB: OK...may as well make the call. Ricky?'
(Ricky the intern sticks his head in the door.)
R: Yes, Mrs. B?
BB: I can't believe I'm saying this...get James Corden on the phone.
BB: What about the plot and the stunts though?
MGW: We need some homages to earlier Bond films.
BB: We've been doing that for the last 20 years, Michael.
MGW: Are there any stunts we haven't done? Anything so big and impressive it will leave the audience with the wow factor?
BB: Well, talking of "Diamonds are Forever", audiences loved the moon buggy, and Sean's 'walk on the moon'. Something along those lines?
MGW: And we've never homaged Bond going into space in 'Moonraker'...
BB: But we'd need to make it credible...
MGW: (Turning to the door and shouting.) Ricky!
(Panting, Ricky the intern pops his head round the door again.)
Ricky: Yes, Mr W?
MGW: Forget James Corden... get William Shatner on the 'phone!
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You've done it! You saved the Bond franchise!
2021. James Bond is confronted by an agitated Bond fan.
Fan: James! James!
Bond: Hello, what is it?
Fan: I’m so glad I’ve caught you- Listen, Moneypenny has had dates with other men!
Bond: Oh? I’ve had dates with a thousand other women, what’s the problem?
Fan: But James, she’s supposed to be waiting for you!
Bond: Oh grow up, you didn’t really think she’d been waiting for me all these years, did you?
Fan: And Q is having dates with other men too!
Bond: So? What’s your problem?
Fan: But… but… M is drinking too much!
Bond: Have you stopped for a second and assessed the amount that I drink?
Fan: And you have a daughter!
Bond: After all these years of unprotected sex, that comes as a surprise? The only surprise is that I have only one.
Fan: But… but… you die at the end of the new film!
Bond: (Lifts an eyebrow in that very familiar manner we have all grown to know…. and love.) Really, I would have thought you would have known better than that. How many times do you live?
Fan: Well…
Bond: (Amused.) Come on, call yourself a Bond fan? How many times do you live?
Fan: (Reluctantly.) Twice.
Bond: And there you go. I’ll see you in the next movie…. whenever that is.
barbel said:
Rami: But this isn’t real life- this is just fantasy….
I'd like to make a request for more Freddy Mercury quotes
😆😆😆 Many a true word...
Loved this one! 🍸🍸🍸 And what a fine vintage that '69 would be 😆😆😆
2019. Eon HQ writers’ room, in a disused toilet at Eon HQ.
Purvis: Okay, so Tanner is telling Bond about Blofeld talking to himself. We need a snappy thing for him to say.
Wade: Tanner gets to say something snappy?
Purvis: Yeah, this time we need that. He has to emphasise how crazy everyone thinks Blofeld is, so they don’t realise he’s using his bionic eye to communicate with Spectre.
Waller-Bridge: He’s as loony as a lunchboxful of lemurs?
Wade: Na, not that.
Fukunaga: As crazy as a capful of cats?
Purvis: Don’t like that much.
Wade: As potty as a purseful of puffins? A pocketful of pandas?
Waller-Bridge: As wacky as a walletful of wasps?
Purvis: That’s closer!
Fukunaga: As batty as a batch of beetles?
Wade: We’re getting there…
Purvis: As mad as a bag of bees!
Fukunaga: That’s it!
Wade: Yeah, well done, Neal!
Waller-Bridge: But what does that mean?
Purvis: Doesn’t matter- that’s the one!
Are you suggesting Purvis & Wade aren't the sharpest pencils in the box? A few keys short of a keyboard?
It's not impossible, CP, as long as I'm not under pressure.
N24, never would I suggest such a thing.
No, only DAD suggest that. 😁
2019. Outside Madeleine’s place. Daniel Craig and Cary Fukunaga stand between the two cars there, an Aston Martin and a Toyota Land Cruiser.
Cary: ...so Bond realises that the bad guys are on to him and they have to get away. He straps young Mathilde into the back of the Land Cruiser, Madeleine gets into the front, then he-
Daniel: Hey wait a minute there- he throws his girlfriend and the kid into the Land Cruiser to escape the bad guys?
Cary: That’s right, then-
Daniel: He’s taking them away from the villains and he puts them into the Land Cruiser when there’s a perfectly good Aston Martin sitting there that he drove up in?
Cary: Yes, but-
Daniel: And you know that this vehicle (He pats the Aston Martin.) can do twice the speed of that one (He points to the Land Cruiser.) and drive circles around it?
Cary: And you know that the script has him go off road into some woods, where being in a Land Cruiser is a distinct advantage?
Daniel: And you don’t know that this Aston Martin is the one James Bond drove through ice and snow in “The Living Daylights”, it’s been “winterised” by Q, and has various very useful optional accessories fitted for when you’re being chased?
Cary: Er, is it?
Daniel: That it is.
Cary: Well, then, there’s a lot more room inside a Land Cruiser to get good shots of you and Lea and the girl.
Daniel: Weak excuse, Cary, what are you really after?
Cary: Me? Nothing!
Daniel: C’mon, out with it!
Cary: (Reluctantly.) Michael and Barbara said Toyota have paid them a lot of money to have their car in the film.
Daniel: Yes, let the villains drive them.
Cary: No, you don’t understand- they want James Bond to be driving their car. Guaranteed sales, you see.
Daniel: Ah, I see… well, come on girls- the Land Cruiser it is! What's that? Yes of course you can bring Dou-Dou!
Excellent 👏🏻
But Bond doesn’t drive a Range Rover in those scenes 🙈
It’s a Toyota Land Cruiser 👀🤣
Thanks, Sir Miles! I've corrected that. ☺️
ISTANBUL. DECEMBER 1999.
Bond: I was wrong about you.
Christmas: Yeah? How so?
James: I thought Christmas comes only once a year.
James gives Christmas a closed mouth kiss. After a few seconds Christmas gives an exasperated sigh.
Christmas: Actually...no. Not even once.
James: Seriously?
Christmas nods.
James sits up on the side of the bed.
James: But I thought you...twice.
Christmas: That was you.
Christmas gets out of bed and begins to get dressed.
Christmas: No wonder Electra was able to pull the wool over your eyes so easily. I'm not going to bother to fake it. I'm not an actress.
James: You're telling me. Are you saying this because I made a Christmas joke?
Christmas examines herself in the dresser mirror.
Christmas: No. Think about it, James. We've done it twice...technically. Yet my makeup and hair are still perfect. Neither of us have even broken a sweat. It was all too vanilla. Straight missionary. No changing positions. The closest thing to animalistic was when you lightly bit my shoulder. Once.
Christmas heads to the door.
James: Where are you going? You could ... instruct me with some more pointers.
Christmas: Sorry, lover. I have to catch a plane to Japan. Aerosmith is playing Osaka on New Year's Eve. Steven Tyler invited me.
Christmas gives a wink and exits the room.
James (to himself): Change up positions. Be more animalistic. Have to wait until I get back from North Korea in a few days.
😀😀😀 Best line- "You're telling me" !
😆😆😆
second best line: 'When you lightly bit my shoulder'!
Bond awakens to find himself on the living room couch in his Chelsea flat.
Bond is momentarily disorientated. He was last on the other side of the planet. Realisation dawns on his face.
Bond: Oh,no.
He walks to the windows and looks out at...
Bond: For f**k's sake. Every time I try to retire.
The television on the floor turns itself on. A familiar symbol appears on the screen....
Female Television Voice: Welcome back, Number 7.
That is just perfect.
Brilliant! 😂😂😂 My all-time favourite TV show. Wish I'd thought of that! 🍸🍸🍸
This was my "Duh! Why hasn't it been done yet" mash up. If only I had Photoshop.
2021. Outside Eon HQ… no, the real one. BB and MGW emerge, their limousine awaits.
BB: Well, that’s another hard day counting money done.
MGW: And another one ahead tomorrow.
BB: Are you sure you locked the door, Michael?
MGW: Yes, I did. (Rattles the door.) See?
BB: Well, let’s go.
(They get into their limousine and the chauffeur drives off. After a moment, three figures emerge from the shadows.)
Timmy: Ok, everyone ready?
Charlie: Yes, I’m ready. Esteban, you have the gear?
Esteban: Got it right here.
(He unfurls a long coil of rope and throws it up. A hook on the end catches on a windowsill.)
Estaban: (Testing the rope.) Ok, ready.
(One at a time, they begin to ascend the rope like Batman and Robin used to do back in the 1960s. They reach the window.)
Charlie: Timmy, you’ve got the glasscutter?
Timmy: Sure, I’ve got it.
(Timmy cuts a hole in the glass, reaches in and opens the window. The three silently enter and begin to look around.)
Esteban: Over here, guys. This door.
Timmy: Let’s go in.
(They enter a door and find a room with a desk and chairs.)
Charlie: This looks like it!
Timmy: I hope you’ve remembered to bring the most important thing!
Charlie: But of course.
(He pulls out a sealed letter and places it on the desk.)
Esteban: Come on, let’s go!
(They sneak back out through the window, closing it behind them, and climb back down the rope.)
Charlie: That’s us finished- split up now and get back home.
Timmy: See you later.
Esteban: Yes, catch you tomorrow.
(The three figures melt into the darkness. The night passes, and the next morning the Broccoli limousine returns. MGW and BB emerge and let themselves in, heading to their office.)
MGW: Well, let’s start- hello, what’s this here?
BB: A letter, but the post won’t have been delivered yet.
MGW: And it’s addressed to us!
(He opens the letter and passes it to his sister.)
BB: (Reading.) “Dear Michael and Barbara, Please please please- it goes on like this for some time- for God’s sake, don’t have any more of Bond’s family members turn up in the next movie. No children, sort-of mothers, sort-of brothers- none at all.”
MGW: Is it signed?
BB: Yes, but we’d be here all day reading the amount of signatures on it.
MGW: Hmmm, what do you think we should do?
BB: What we always do- ignore it completely and do just what we want.
MGW: As usual.
BB: (Listens intently.) Do you hear that?
MGW: Yes, don’t worry. It’s just your dad rolling in his grave again.
Late 2021. Eon writers’ room. Purvis paces frustratedly back and forward. Wade sits staring glumly at a blank computer screen. If this was the 1960s, there would be an ashtray sitting there overflowing with cigarette ends. Suddenly Wade begins typing. Purvis excitedly looks over his shoulder.
Purvis: You think…?
Wade: Could be.
Purvis: Naahhhh…
Wade: You’re right.
(He presses the delete button. Purvis begins to walk back and forward again. Wade resumes staring at the screen.)
Early 2022. Wade paces back and forward while Purvis sits staring at the blank screen. Empty coffee cups overflow the table. Wade suddenly stop pacing. Purvis looks at him excitedly. Wade gloomily shakes his head. If they had musical instruments, one would be yelling at the other to just "play the f**king note".
Mid 2022. A park near Eon HQ. Purvis and Wade walk by the duck pond, deep in thought. They walk for a couple of hours.
Purvis: Robert- I’ve got it!
Wade: You have?
Purvis: Yes- quick!
(They rush back to their room and Purvis sits at the keyboard.)
Purvis: Right, what was it?
Wade: What do you mean “what was it”?
Purvis: You said you’d got it!
Wade: No, that was you- you said you’d got it!
Purvis: No, it was definitely- oh wait, you’re right. It was me.
Wade: Well?
Purvis: (Sadly.) I’ve forgotten now.
Late 2022. Both of them are now pacing back and forward, the screen continues to lie blank. Suddenly the telephone rings.
Purvis: Hello? …. Ah, hello Barbara. (To Wade.) It’s Barbara.
Wade: I think I got that.
Purvis: …. No, nothing yet … Yes, of course we’re working on it … Yes, the minute we have it we’ll phone you … Yes, of course… Bye, Barbara.
Wade: So that was Barbara then?
Purvis: Yes.
(They begin pacing again.)