President John F. Kennedy is talking with the First Lady...
JFK: Well, Jackie, I’ve finished it now.
Jackie: Finished what, Jack?
JFK: That list for “Life” magazine- they wanted me to write down my ten favourite books for an article.
Jackie: Your ten favourite books? Would you like to show me the list?
JFK: Of course.
(He hands a sheet of paper over.)
Jackie: Hmm… One of Churchill’s, should be fine… One about Byron… A biography of the Marquess of Montrose… Hmm...
JFK: Good choices, I thought.
Jackie: Yes, Jack, but...
JFK: But what?
Jackie: It’s all a little highbrow.
JFK: Highbrow?
Jackie: Yes, you might want to include something that… I don’t know… Something that can be bought in paperback from almost anywhere.
JFK: What? Why?
Jackie: Something that would enhance your “man of the people” image, rather than a member of the intelligentsia.
JFK: Well, what would you suggest?
Jackie: I’d suggest taking out the Marcel Proust book for a start.
JFK: One of Thomas Hardy's, perhaps?
Jackie: No, put in a thriller- say, one of the James Bond books.
JFK: James Bond?
Jackie: Yes, he’s a member of the Secret Service.
JFK: Those guys in the suits and dark glasses that follow us around everywhere? That doesn’t sound very thrilling.
Jackie: No, Jack, the British Secret Service. You’ve met their author once or twice, a guy called Ian Fleming.
JFK: Oh yeah, I remember- he ordered some crazy drink, it had to be shaken not stirred. Three measures of Gordon’s, one measure of vodka…
Jackie: That’s him.
JFK: ...then he disappeared with the wife of one of the ambassadors.
Jackie: That’s definitely him.
JFK: Does this James Bond guy ever operate in the States?
Jackie: He has done, yes- he saved Fort Knox from being robbed, chased some smuggled diamonds around Las Vegas, that sort of thing- but I think you should pick one where it’s clear the Russians are the bad guys.
I think it depends on the person and the time in history. Theodor Roosevelt was a speed-reader and usually read one book every day. On the other end of the scale we find the recent presidents from the same party. Sometimes presidents have free time and they can chose what to do with that time. Some golf, some watch TV, some read etc. This is my impression anyway.
It’s well known that in the 1950s and early 1960s there was much talk about the possibility of Alfred Hitchcock directing a James Bond film, probably the first one, and that much of this talk came from Ian Fleming himself. As we know this never came to pass, but just supposing….
1962. Eon HQ. Cubby and Harry sit waiting….
Harry: You know, I’m beginning to think he won’t even turn up.
Cubby: He will.
Harry: Why so sure?
Cubby: I just saw his car park, looking out from this rear window here.
Harry: Oh, right.
(After a few moments, the door opens.)
Hitchcock: Good evening.
Harry: Good evening, Mr Hitchcock.
Cubby: Have a seat, please.
(Hitch sits.)
Harry: How are you? Everything well?
Hitch: I’d prefer if you stopped wasting time and came right to the point.
Cubby: Yes, that’s the trouble with Harry. Now, Mr Hitchcock, we’ve had a look at the first cut of “Dr No”.
Hitch: Yes?
Harry: And there are one or two little points we’d like to discuss with you.
Hitch: My cameo, perhaps? Was it too obvious?
Cubby: No, no, having you sit right beside Sean Connery as he first says “Bond. James Bond” was absolutely fine.
Hitch: Well, was it the scene in which Bond arrives in Jamaica and leaves the airport?
Harry: The part where he’s attacked by thousands of birds for no apparent reason?
Hitch: Yes, that one.
Cubby: No, that one was okay too. In fact, we rather liked it.
Hitch: What was it, then?
Harry: Mr Hitchcock… Hitch… (Takes a deep breath.) It was the scene in which James Bond goes for a shower.
Hitch: I don’t see the problem. It’s in the Caribbean, people are very hot, of course he would go for a shower.
Cubby: Yes, we understand that. It’s how the scene continues that we have a problem with.
Hitch: Oh?
Harry: We don’t like the way in which a shadowy figure-
Cubby: - which we later find out is Professor Dent dressed up as Miss Taro-
Hitch: Be quiet about that, please. No-one is supposed to know that,
Harry: Hitch, we’re the producers of the film. We’re allowed to know it.
Cubby: Anyway, this is beside the point. Dent stabs James Bond.
Hitch: Yes, he does.
Harry: Repeatedly.
Hitch: Oh yes, most repeatedly.
Cubby: To death, Hitch. To death.
Hitch: A big surprise, I would have thought.
Harry: You’re not friggin’ kiddin’!!!
Hitch: Then his friends Quarrel and Felix notice that he’s missing, and go to investi-
Cubby: I think you’re missing the point, Mr Hitchcock. This isn’t a “Quarrel and Felix Leiter” movie. It’s a James Bond movie. We’re starting off a series here.
Hitch: (Placidly calm, as ever.) And everyone knows that. What bigger surprise than that the man we have assumed to be the hero gets killed off less than halfway through the film? Audiences will be shocked out of their seats.
Harry: We are not killing off James Bond!
Cubby: Yes, that would be really stupid.
Harry: And certainly not in a shower.
Cubby: Ha! It would take a lot more than that!
Harry: Several bullet wounds…
Cubby: ….infected with some weird virus….
Harry: ….blown to bits by missiles…
Cubby: Yeah, all that at least. Not stabbed in some Jamaican hotel shower!
Hitch: I see. Then, I believe my association with this film to be over. Good evening, gentlemen.
(He leaves.)
Harry: I thought that went quite well.
Cubby: Yes, better than expected. Wait till I tell Dana and the kids- they won’t believe this!
I like that one, better than the Orson Welles directed Moonraker, because the jokes were all about Hitchcock's character!
even before I started reading, I thought no way is this going to work because Hitchcock hadnt let himself get pushed around by producers for many years. and he always rewrote the heck out of source material, paying good money for a good title or concept but not caring about all the plot details (course EON themselves staring "adapting" Fleming like that soon enough).
1963 Venice International Grandmasters Championship Final - Kronsteen vs Macadams. The scores are 11.5 each, it’s the final game to decide who the champion will be.
Kronsteen: (Makes a move) Check.
Macadams countermoves.
Adjudicator: Knight takes bishop.
Overseer: (Moves the pieces on the display board) Knight ... takes bishop.
A waiter brings water to firstly Macadams and then Kronsteen, lingering over the glass so Konstreen notices. Kronsteen picks up the glass and reads a message on the coaster before tearing it up and placing the tiny pieces into his jacket pocket. Kronsteen makes another chess move.
Adjudicator: King to rook two.
Overseer: King... to rook two.
Kronsteen makes another move.
Adjudicator: Queen to king four.
Overseer: Queen... to king four. (Gasps from audience).
Macadams motions the adjudicator to the table.
Macadams: (Whispering) Kronsteen has received a message and torn it up - he’s cheating - someone has given him the move he as just made.
Kronsteen is made to turn out his pockets - the torn coaster is seen - the message now indecipherable.
*******************
On a luxury yacht moored off Venice.
Blofeld: Where is Kronsteen, he is late?
Klebb: We’ve just been notified that he has been arrested for cheating at the chess tournament - there is little chance of release for a long time. These things are taken very seriously here.
Blofeld: Get Largo here. I want to know how the bomb plot scheme is progressing. I also want updates on the impending train robbery, the assassination, the blackmail case and the narcotics situation. Morzeney, kill Kronsteen as soon as he is released. Klebb, you can forget about the girl you’ve been grooming, this operation is now dead. In fact, you are no longer any use to us Klebb, Morzeney kill Klebb, NOW!!!
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Oh, yes, that cheating scandal (as opposed to the poker and fishing cheating scandals).
There is also former grandmaster Anatoly Karpov; the latest in a long line of Russian officials and oligarchs to mysteriously "fall". Karpov somehow survived his fall and has now emerged from a medically induced coma.
Writing the above sentences proves this is the dumbest timeline.
M: “When he was eleven years of age, both his parents were killed in a climbing accident in the Aiguilles Rouges above Chamonix, and the youth came under the guardianship of an aunt, since deceased, Miss Charmain Bond, and went to live with her at the quaintly-named hamlet of Pett Bottom near Canterbury in Kent.”
Ian Fleming, Octopussy:
Bond: “It just happened that [Hannes] Oberhauser was a friend of mine. He taught me to ski before the war, when I was in my teens. He was a wonderful man. He was something of a father to me at a time when I happened to need one.”
Spectre (2015)
Franz Oberhauser: "You probably know that James here lost his parents when he was young. But did you know that it was my father who helped him through this difficult time?
Over the course of two winters he taught him to ski, and climb, and hunt. He soothed the wounds of the poor little blue-eyed orphan. Asked me to treat him as a brother. My little brother. They formed quite an attachment."
An extremely debatable year. The village of Pett Bottom, Kent. Charmain Bond is entertaining a gentleman in her bedroom.
Charmain: (Lying back against pillow.) Oh my darling, that was beautiful!
Man: (Lighting two cigarettes and passing one to Charmain.) Beautiful, indeed. I am so glad we met.
Charmain: It’s been a wonderful weekend.
Man: I shall never forget it.
Charmain: Nor will I. When can we meet again?
Man: I must go. I have to be in Austria tonight.
Charmain: Five more minutes.
(There is a loud knocking at the door, downstairs.)
Man: Who can that be?
Charmain: Just ignore it, it’ll go away.
(The knocking does not go away, however. It becomes more and more insistent.)
Charmain: Oh, blast. You wait here, I shall go and see who it is.
(She throws on a dressing gown, goes downstairs and opens the door. A man in a pinstripe suit and wearing a bowler hat stands there looking up at the house.)
Man: I admire your cottage, Miss....?
Charmain: Bond. Charmain Bond.
Man: I represent your late brother’s solicitors. You will have heard of his death?
Charmain: Yes, of course. He and his wife died in a climbing accident in the Alps.
Lawyer: Just so. I am here because of certain provisions in his will. If I may? (He gestures, asking for entry.)
Charmain: But of course. Do come in.
Lawyer: (Entering.) You are naturally aware that your brother Andrew and his wife Monique leave behind a son, James.
Charmain: Yes, naturally.
Lawyer: Your brother’s will states that, there being no further living relatives, you will take over guardianship of the boy until he reaches his majority.
Charmain: (Aghast.) Oh, but I couldn’t-
Lawyer: And of course, you will have access to all monies and properties left behind until that point. The sums involved are quite substantial.
Charmain: (Aha!) Why, yes, naturally I will look after young John.
Lawyer: James.
Charmain: James, of course.
Lawyer: I will arrange for him to be informed of this. At the moment he is at Skyfall, the family home in Scotland, with the retainer Kincade.
Charmain: Thank you. And his school arrangements will continue as before?
Lawyer: Yes, unless you want them changed. It would appear that he’ll be away at school most of the time unless you would like us to-
Charmain: No! ….er, I mean, no, that won’t be necessary.
Lawyer: I see. Well, if you’d just sign here…. And here… Then I believe that concludes our business and I shall be on my way.
Charmain: Yes, thank you.
(The lawyer leaves, and Charmain returns upstairs.)
Man: Well, what was all that about?
Charmain: It would appear that I now have custody of my young nephew Jack-
Man: I thought you said his name was James.
Charmain: Yes, James, of course. He has been orphaned, you see.
Man: You’ve met him before, Charmain?
Charmain: Yes, my brother and his wife used to bring him down here. Strange little boy- used to insist on his cocoa being shaken not stirred.
Man: He’ll be away at school most of the year, I’d think.
Charmain: True, but he will have to come here sometimes and I just don’t know what to do with children.
Man: Well, I have an idea- you could perhaps send him to live with me in Austria during those times.
Charmain: Really?
Man: Of course. He could learn to ski, improve his German, and make friends with my son Franz. Franz has been so lonely, being an only child.
Charmain: Why, Hannes, that is a wonderful idea!
Hannes: Yes, I can’t see anything going wrong with that.
1955. Goldeneye, Jamaica. Ian Fleming, a cigarette in a holder clenched firmly between his teeth, sits furiously banging away at his gold-plated typewriter. The housekeeper, Violet, comes in.
Violet: Visitor for you, Mr Ian.
(Fleming hides his drink behind a pile of books.)
Fleming: Show him in, Violet, show him in.
(Violet shows in Fleming’s old friend, Ivar Bryce.)
Bryce: Good morning, Ian.
Fleming: Oh, it’s you, Ivar. (Brings his drink out again.) Care for a drink?
Bryce: Just coffee, thanks. It’s ten in the morning.
Fleming: (Nodding to Violet to bring Bryce a coffee.) Oh, is it?
Bryce: You know damn well it is. Anyway, what are you working on?
Fleming: Another adventure of that cardboard booby, of course.
Bryce: James Bond, eh? What’s he up to this time, avoiding a Russian killer on the Orient Express?
Fleming: (Grabbing a pen and paper and quickly scribbling that down.) No… maybe next time, though. He’s in Las Vegas on the trail of some smuggled diamonds, fighting with bad guys called Wint and Kidd, and one called Shady Tree, all while romancing the beautiful Tiffany Case.
Bryce: I just love the names you come up with. Got a title?
Fleming: I’m thinking “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Bryce: Indeed they are. For ever, and ever. Anyway, that’s not what I’m here about.
Fleming: Oh?
Bryce: Now, I’m sure you remember that American TV production of “Casino Royale” from last year?
Fleming: (Rolls eyes.) Do I have to? Do I have to remember about how James Bond was suddenly an American called “Card Sense Jimmy Bond”, and his friend Felix Leiter was suddenly an Englishman called Clarence Leiter? Not to mention putting two characters together and naming her “Valerie Mathis”!
(He shudders.)
Bryce: Just listen for a moment. They think it might be worth doing another.
Fleming: What, make “Casino Royale”again? And then again until they get it right, even if it takes fifty years?
Bryce: No, they’re wondering about buying the rights to another one of your books and making a sequel.
Fleming: (Suspiciously.) Which one?
Bryce: Why, the next one of course- “Live And Let Die”. They’re thinking of doing an immediate continuation, with Jimmy and Clarence- now, stop doing, that, Ian- being sent to New York to face a new enemy, Mr Evil.
Fleming: Mr Evil?????
Bryce: Yes, they thought that “Mr Big” was a shade too clichéd.
Fleming: And “Mr Evil” isn’t????
Bryce: (Ploughing on.) And later they go to Jamaica, like in your book.
Fleming: That’s good, I could maybe meet them and show them some good locations that they could use.
Bryce: Er, well, actually, it’d be shot in the studio. They haven’t got a big enough budget to go to the real Jamaica.
Fleming: (Deep breaths.) I see…
Bryce: There, they’ll team up with local fisherman Sharkey and-
Fleming: Sharkey???? His name’s Quarrel!
Bryce: Ah, well, they thought that might be a bit confusing- might make the audience think he was going to start a fight.
Fleming: Right… Is there anything else?
Bryce: Well, just one thing…
Fleming: And what is that?
Bryce: Well….
Fleming: Tell me!
Bryce: They weren’t too keen on the girl who can read minds and tell the future.
Fleming: You mean Solitaire?
Bryce: Yes, her. They want to bring back Valerie Mathis from “Casino Royale” and have her take a course in reading minds and-
Everything after the picture of Valerie is completely imaginary, caractacus. Before that it's just scene setting. Yes, Violet and Ivar Bryce were real people. And yes, of course Fleming liked to use a cigarette holder and was slightly partial to an occasional alcoholic drink. And obviously Goldeneye and golden typewriter are true.
1954. The hotel bedroom of Card Sense Jimmy Bond (Barbel shudders with distaste.). He and Valerie Mathis (Barbel shudders again.) are recovering after their final struggle with Le Chiffre and his men, who lie dead on the floor.
Valerie: Oh Jimmy, what do we do?
Bond: (Who is still recovering from being tortured.) Just give me a moment or two.
Valerie: Of course.
(The door opens and Clarence Leiter (Barbel’s shudders verge on uncontrollable.) bursts into the room.)
Leiter: Jimmy! Valerie! (He looks around suspiciously.) Are you sure these men are all dead?
Bond: Of course we’re sure.
Leiter: It’s just that I thought I saw one of them… well, never mind- Thank God you’re all right!
Bond: We’re all right, but I’m going to need a doctor pretty quickly.
Leiter: Oh no, what did that bastard Le Chiffre do to you? It wasn’t… it wasn’t the thing with the chair and the carpet beater, or maybe a knotted rope?
Valerie: Of course not, whatever gives you that idea? They worked on his toes with a pair of pliers.
Bond: Yes, and if you don’t mind I think I’d like some medical attention soon.
Leiter: Of course, of course, but we have to get the two of you out of here- if you’re found with a pile of bodies like this then the local gendarmes will have a few questions, and we don’t want you locked up in cells.
Valerie: Where shall we go, Clarence?
Leiter: You have a room here? Then let’s go there. Come on, Jimmy, lean on me and let’s get out of here.
(They leave the room, Bond limping as he leans heavily on Leiter. Once they’re gone, Peter Lorre gets up and quietly leaves.)
(Valerie’s room. A trustworthy doctor finishes patching up Bond’s toes and leaves.)
Bond: That feels so much better.
Valerie: Oh Jimmy, I’m so glad.
Leiter: Me too, especially since we have another mission on our hands now.
Bond: What do you mean?
Leiter: I’ve had a message from M.
Bond: Em…? Carry on, Clarence.
Leiter: Not Em, M.
Bond: What?
Leiter: My chief- he’s known as M.
Bond: M? That’s ridiculous! You’d never catch me taking orders from someone called M!
Leiter: Anyway, we are both being sent to New York to investigate a gangster who goes by the name of Mr Evil.
Bond: Mr Evil, eh?
Leiter: Yes, he’s the local, er, Mr Big. We’ll find out more en route. I do know that two of his men are called Tee Hee and Whisper.
Bond: Whisper?
Leiter: (Very quietly.) I said, two of his men-
Bond: All right, all right. When’s the flight?
Leiter: Not till tomorrow. I’m afraid we’ll have to stay in your room all night, Valerie.
Bond: Not very gentlemanly and terrible for your reputation, but it sure beats a night in the cells.
Valerie: I understand.
Leiter: Here, you can pass the time reading this book.
Valerie: (Reading.) “Mind Reading For Dummies”? What is this for?
thanks @Barbel I just knew Cardsharp Jimmy Bond went on to have further adventures
thing is I cant think how they would actually stage any of Fleming's other stories in that live broadcast format
Casino Royale is the only one really confined to two or three indoor locations, and the sets in one story all have to be right beside each other (think Studio 8H in Saturday Night Live with its multiple stages). Like maybe for Moonraker, they could borrow a rocketship exterior prop from Captain Video or some other mid50s scifi series, but theyd never have time to run to that other series' set and back to their own within a one hour live broadcast. So these'd be some seriously compromised adaptations!
There is one Fleming novel which might be possible to stage in that format, and that's
"But Barbel", I already hear some people (not you, caractacus, of course) cry, "how could that be done? What about the submarines and the pyramids, the Lotus car that becomes amphibious, the steel-toothed giant and the shark, etc etc. How could all that be performed on live television?"
"Ah well, some people", I reply, "that's because you're thinking of Cubby Broccoli's TSWLM, not Ian Fleming's which takes place entirely in a motel in the Adirondacks. Certainly there are flashbacks, both from the female lead Vivienne and from Bond himself, and these take up most of the rather short novel. It shouldn't be beyond the skills of a decent TV writer to figure out a way around that, leaving only a handful of locations inside the motel."
However the main problem would be that Fleming hadn't written this book at the time a live TV production would have been aired.... 😁
I just googled it, because that's the answer to every question. 😁
About 1000 Americans are named Ivar. I'm surprised that only 8000 Norwegians have that name today. Of course there are far fewer people here, but I expected more Ivars.
It's getting near Christmas time again ("Oh no it isn't!") and I'm wondering if anyone is interested in doing a pantomime as we have done in years past Plenty of fun to be had!
Comments
1961. The White House.
No, THE White House.
President John F. Kennedy is talking with the First Lady...
JFK: Well, Jackie, I’ve finished it now.
Jackie: Finished what, Jack?
JFK: That list for “Life” magazine- they wanted me to write down my ten favourite books for an article.
Jackie: Your ten favourite books? Would you like to show me the list?
JFK: Of course.
(He hands a sheet of paper over.)
Jackie: Hmm… One of Churchill’s, should be fine… One about Byron… A biography of the Marquess of Montrose… Hmm...
JFK: Good choices, I thought.
Jackie: Yes, Jack, but...
JFK: But what?
Jackie: It’s all a little highbrow.
JFK: Highbrow?
Jackie: Yes, you might want to include something that… I don’t know… Something that can be bought in paperback from almost anywhere.
JFK: What? Why?
Jackie: Something that would enhance your “man of the people” image, rather than a member of the intelligentsia.
JFK: Well, what would you suggest?
Jackie: I’d suggest taking out the Marcel Proust book for a start.
JFK: One of Thomas Hardy's, perhaps?
Jackie: No, put in a thriller- say, one of the James Bond books.
JFK: James Bond?
Jackie: Yes, he’s a member of the Secret Service.
JFK: Those guys in the suits and dark glasses that follow us around everywhere? That doesn’t sound very thrilling.
Jackie: No, Jack, the British Secret Service. You’ve met their author once or twice, a guy called Ian Fleming.
JFK: Oh yeah, I remember- he ordered some crazy drink, it had to be shaken not stirred. Three measures of Gordon’s, one measure of vodka…
Jackie: That’s him.
JFK: ...then he disappeared with the wife of one of the ambassadors.
Jackie: That’s definitely him.
JFK: Does this James Bond guy ever operate in the States?
Jackie: He has done, yes- he saved Fort Knox from being robbed, chased some smuggled diamonds around Las Vegas, that sort of thing- but I think you should pick one where it’s clear the Russians are the bad guys.
JFK: Sounds good. Which one, then?
Jackie: “From Russia, With Love”.
JFK: All right, then!
I’ve always wondered - do Presidents actually get time to read books, anyway?
Another good one, Barbel, thanks for keeping us amused 🍸🍸🍸
My pleasure, CHB.
I think it depends on the person and the time in history. Theodor Roosevelt was a speed-reader and usually read one book every day. On the other end of the scale we find the recent presidents from the same party. Sometimes presidents have free time and they can chose what to do with that time. Some golf, some watch TV, some read etc. This is my impression anyway.
It’s well known that in the 1950s and early 1960s there was much talk about the possibility of Alfred Hitchcock directing a James Bond film, probably the first one, and that much of this talk came from Ian Fleming himself. As we know this never came to pass, but just supposing….
1962. Eon HQ. Cubby and Harry sit waiting….
Harry: You know, I’m beginning to think he won’t even turn up.
Cubby: He will.
Harry: Why so sure?
Cubby: I just saw his car park, looking out from this rear window here.
Harry: Oh, right.
(After a few moments, the door opens.)
Hitchcock: Good evening.
Harry: Good evening, Mr Hitchcock.
Cubby: Have a seat, please.
(Hitch sits.)
Harry: How are you? Everything well?
Hitch: I’d prefer if you stopped wasting time and came right to the point.
Cubby: Yes, that’s the trouble with Harry. Now, Mr Hitchcock, we’ve had a look at the first cut of “Dr No”.
Hitch: Yes?
Harry: And there are one or two little points we’d like to discuss with you.
Hitch: My cameo, perhaps? Was it too obvious?
Cubby: No, no, having you sit right beside Sean Connery as he first says “Bond. James Bond” was absolutely fine.
Hitch: Well, was it the scene in which Bond arrives in Jamaica and leaves the airport?
Harry: The part where he’s attacked by thousands of birds for no apparent reason?
Hitch: Yes, that one.
Cubby: No, that one was okay too. In fact, we rather liked it.
Hitch: What was it, then?
Harry: Mr Hitchcock… Hitch… (Takes a deep breath.) It was the scene in which James Bond goes for a shower.
Hitch: I don’t see the problem. It’s in the Caribbean, people are very hot, of course he would go for a shower.
Cubby: Yes, we understand that. It’s how the scene continues that we have a problem with.
Hitch: Oh?
Harry: We don’t like the way in which a shadowy figure-
Cubby: - which we later find out is Professor Dent dressed up as Miss Taro-
Hitch: Be quiet about that, please. No-one is supposed to know that,
Harry: Hitch, we’re the producers of the film. We’re allowed to know it.
Cubby: Anyway, this is beside the point. Dent stabs James Bond.
Hitch: Yes, he does.
Harry: Repeatedly.
Hitch: Oh yes, most repeatedly.
Cubby: To death, Hitch. To death.
Hitch: A big surprise, I would have thought.
Harry: You’re not friggin’ kiddin’!!!
Hitch: Then his friends Quarrel and Felix notice that he’s missing, and go to investi-
Cubby: I think you’re missing the point, Mr Hitchcock. This isn’t a “Quarrel and Felix Leiter” movie. It’s a James Bond movie. We’re starting off a series here.
Hitch: (Placidly calm, as ever.) And everyone knows that. What bigger surprise than that the man we have assumed to be the hero gets killed off less than halfway through the film? Audiences will be shocked out of their seats.
Harry: We are not killing off James Bond!
Cubby: Yes, that would be really stupid.
Harry: And certainly not in a shower.
Cubby: Ha! It would take a lot more than that!
Harry: Several bullet wounds…
Cubby: ….infected with some weird virus….
Harry: ….blown to bits by missiles…
Cubby: Yeah, all that at least. Not stabbed in some Jamaican hotel shower!
Hitch: I see. Then, I believe my association with this film to be over. Good evening, gentlemen.
(He leaves.)
Harry: I thought that went quite well.
Cubby: Yes, better than expected. Wait till I tell Dana and the kids- they won’t believe this!
I like that one, better than the Orson Welles directed Moonraker, because the jokes were all about Hitchcock's character!
even before I started reading, I thought no way is this going to work because Hitchcock hadnt let himself get pushed around by producers for many years. and he always rewrote the heck out of source material, paying good money for a good title or concept but not caring about all the plot details (course EON themselves staring "adapting" Fleming like that soon enough).
Glad you approve, @caractacus potts
1963 Venice International Grandmasters Championship Final - Kronsteen vs Macadams. The scores are 11.5 each, it’s the final game to decide who the champion will be.
Kronsteen: (Makes a move) Check.
Macadams countermoves.
Adjudicator: Knight takes bishop.
Overseer: (Moves the pieces on the display board) Knight ... takes bishop.
A waiter brings water to firstly Macadams and then Kronsteen, lingering over the glass so Konstreen notices. Kronsteen picks up the glass and reads a message on the coaster before tearing it up and placing the tiny pieces into his jacket pocket. Kronsteen makes another chess move.
Adjudicator: King to rook two.
Overseer: King... to rook two.
Kronsteen makes another move.
Adjudicator: Queen to king four.
Overseer: Queen... to king four. (Gasps from audience).
Macadams motions the adjudicator to the table.
Macadams: (Whispering) Kronsteen has received a message and torn it up - he’s cheating - someone has given him the move he as just made.
Kronsteen is made to turn out his pockets - the torn coaster is seen - the message now indecipherable.
*******************
On a luxury yacht moored off Venice.
Blofeld: Where is Kronsteen, he is late?
Klebb: We’ve just been notified that he has been arrested for cheating at the chess tournament - there is little chance of release for a long time. These things are taken very seriously here.
Blofeld: Get Largo here. I want to know how the bomb plot scheme is progressing. I also want updates on the impending train robbery, the assassination, the blackmail case and the narcotics situation. Morzeney, kill Kronsteen as soon as he is released. Klebb, you can forget about the girl you’ve been grooming, this operation is now dead. In fact, you are no longer any use to us Klebb, Morzeney kill Klebb, NOW!!!
😂😂😂 Recent developments in the world of chess gave you the idea, I'm guessing?
Oh, yes, that cheating scandal (as opposed to the poker and fishing cheating scandals).
There is also former grandmaster Anatoly Karpov; the latest in a long line of Russian officials and oligarchs to mysteriously "fall". Karpov somehow survived his fall and has now emerged from a medically induced coma.
Writing the above sentences proves this is the dumbest timeline.
Carlsen ...... Magnus Carlsen? He actually did a photo shoot with Gemma Arterton once. 😁
1983. Eon HQ, inside a space vessel about to eat another space vessel. Cubby Broccoli, Michael G. Wilson, and John Glen are talking.
Cubby: So, Michael, you’ve asked Louis Jourdan if he wants to play our villain?
MGW: Yes, and he’ll be very happy to do that. I’m thinking Steven Berkoff for the Russian, General Orlov.
John: Oh yes, good idea.
MGW: And Vijay Armitraj is looking forward to joining us, too.
Cubby: Great, so that just leaves the ladies.
John: Kristina Wayborn for Magda, definitely.
Cubby: Fine, no problem.
MGW: Then we have Octopussy herself….
Cubby: That’s the tricky one.
John: So far, we’ve drawn a blank.
MGW: We’ve tried several established actresses but I’m sure you’ll only say that they’re asking for too much money.
(Cubby growls.)
MGW: See, I thought you’d say that.
John: It’s tricky, Cubby, we don’t want to cast someone too young.
MGW: The last one was thirty years younger than Roger, you know.
Cubby: What, you want us to cast someone older than him?
MGW: Oh no, Cubby, that wasn’t what I was meaning.
John: (Aside.) It’d be tricky to find someone older than him anyway.
MGW: This is an important part- she’ll be playing the title part of the movie. We want someone with a bit of gravitas.
Cubby: So, no teenage ice-skaters then?
MGW: Definitely not- and she wasn’t a teenager, anyway.
John: I think we might want to rehire someone we’ve used before.
Cubby: Go on, John…
John: Someone who, while younger than Roger, isn’t so young as to look ridiculous next to him.
MGW: And I think definitely someone Scandinavian- Roger has shown good chemistry with Scandinavian ladies.
Cubby: So… someone we’ve used before?
MGW: Yes, Cubby.
Cubby: Someone not thirty years younger?
John: Yes, Cubby.
Cubby: And someone Scandinavian?
MGW: Yes, Cubby.
Cubby: All right, I’m convinced. Michael- phone Britt Ekland and offer her the part of “Octopussy” at once!
Yes, I automatically thought of FRWL and to see if I could conjure up a scene 🙂
Ian Fleming, You Only Live Twice:
M: “When he was eleven years of age, both his parents were killed in a climbing accident in the Aiguilles Rouges above Chamonix, and the youth came under the guardianship of an aunt, since deceased, Miss Charmain Bond, and went to live with her at the quaintly-named hamlet of Pett Bottom near Canterbury in Kent.”
Ian Fleming, Octopussy:
Bond: “It just happened that [Hannes] Oberhauser was a friend of mine. He taught me to ski before the war, when I was in my teens. He was a wonderful man. He was something of a father to me at a time when I happened to need one.”
Spectre (2015)
Franz Oberhauser: "You probably know that James here lost his parents when he was young. But did you know that it was my father who helped him through this difficult time?
Over the course of two winters he taught him to ski, and climb, and hunt. He soothed the wounds of the poor little blue-eyed orphan. Asked me to treat him as a brother. My little brother. They formed quite an attachment."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An extremely debatable year. The village of Pett Bottom, Kent. Charmain Bond is entertaining a gentleman in her bedroom.
Charmain: (Lying back against pillow.) Oh my darling, that was beautiful!
Man: (Lighting two cigarettes and passing one to Charmain.) Beautiful, indeed. I am so glad we met.
Charmain: It’s been a wonderful weekend.
Man: I shall never forget it.
Charmain: Nor will I. When can we meet again?
Man: I must go. I have to be in Austria tonight.
Charmain: Five more minutes.
(There is a loud knocking at the door, downstairs.)
Man: Who can that be?
Charmain: Just ignore it, it’ll go away.
(The knocking does not go away, however. It becomes more and more insistent.)
Charmain: Oh, blast. You wait here, I shall go and see who it is.
(She throws on a dressing gown, goes downstairs and opens the door. A man in a pinstripe suit and wearing a bowler hat stands there looking up at the house.)
Man: I admire your cottage, Miss....?
Charmain: Bond. Charmain Bond.
Man: I represent your late brother’s solicitors. You will have heard of his death?
Charmain: Yes, of course. He and his wife died in a climbing accident in the Alps.
Lawyer: Just so. I am here because of certain provisions in his will. If I may? (He gestures, asking for entry.)
Charmain: But of course. Do come in.
Lawyer: (Entering.) You are naturally aware that your brother Andrew and his wife Monique leave behind a son, James.
Charmain: Yes, naturally.
Lawyer: Your brother’s will states that, there being no further living relatives, you will take over guardianship of the boy until he reaches his majority.
Charmain: (Aghast.) Oh, but I couldn’t-
Lawyer: And of course, you will have access to all monies and properties left behind until that point. The sums involved are quite substantial.
Charmain: (Aha!) Why, yes, naturally I will look after young John.
Lawyer: James.
Charmain: James, of course.
Lawyer: I will arrange for him to be informed of this. At the moment he is at Skyfall, the family home in Scotland, with the retainer Kincade.
Charmain: Thank you. And his school arrangements will continue as before?
Lawyer: Yes, unless you want them changed. It would appear that he’ll be away at school most of the time unless you would like us to-
Charmain: No! ….er, I mean, no, that won’t be necessary.
Lawyer: I see. Well, if you’d just sign here…. And here… Then I believe that concludes our business and I shall be on my way.
Charmain: Yes, thank you.
(The lawyer leaves, and Charmain returns upstairs.)
Man: Well, what was all that about?
Charmain: It would appear that I now have custody of my young nephew Jack-
Man: I thought you said his name was James.
Charmain: Yes, James, of course. He has been orphaned, you see.
Man: You’ve met him before, Charmain?
Charmain: Yes, my brother and his wife used to bring him down here. Strange little boy- used to insist on his cocoa being shaken not stirred.
Man: He’ll be away at school most of the year, I’d think.
Charmain: True, but he will have to come here sometimes and I just don’t know what to do with children.
Man: Well, I have an idea- you could perhaps send him to live with me in Austria during those times.
Charmain: Really?
Man: Of course. He could learn to ski, improve his German, and make friends with my son Franz. Franz has been so lonely, being an only child.
Charmain: Why, Hannes, that is a wonderful idea!
Hannes: Yes, I can’t see anything going wrong with that.
1955. Goldeneye, Jamaica. Ian Fleming, a cigarette in a holder clenched firmly between his teeth, sits furiously banging away at his gold-plated typewriter. The housekeeper, Violet, comes in.
Violet: Visitor for you, Mr Ian.
(Fleming hides his drink behind a pile of books.)
Fleming: Show him in, Violet, show him in.
(Violet shows in Fleming’s old friend, Ivar Bryce.)
Bryce: Good morning, Ian.
Fleming: Oh, it’s you, Ivar. (Brings his drink out again.) Care for a drink?
Bryce: Just coffee, thanks. It’s ten in the morning.
Fleming: (Nodding to Violet to bring Bryce a coffee.) Oh, is it?
Bryce: You know damn well it is. Anyway, what are you working on?
Fleming: Another adventure of that cardboard booby, of course.
Bryce: James Bond, eh? What’s he up to this time, avoiding a Russian killer on the Orient Express?
Fleming: (Grabbing a pen and paper and quickly scribbling that down.) No… maybe next time, though. He’s in Las Vegas on the trail of some smuggled diamonds, fighting with bad guys called Wint and Kidd, and one called Shady Tree, all while romancing the beautiful Tiffany Case.
Bryce: I just love the names you come up with. Got a title?
Fleming: I’m thinking “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Bryce: Indeed they are. For ever, and ever. Anyway, that’s not what I’m here about.
Fleming: Oh?
Bryce: Now, I’m sure you remember that American TV production of “Casino Royale” from last year?
Fleming: (Rolls eyes.) Do I have to? Do I have to remember about how James Bond was suddenly an American called “Card Sense Jimmy Bond”, and his friend Felix Leiter was suddenly an Englishman called Clarence Leiter? Not to mention putting two characters together and naming her “Valerie Mathis”!
(He shudders.)
Bryce: Just listen for a moment. They think it might be worth doing another.
Fleming: What, make “Casino Royale”again? And then again until they get it right, even if it takes fifty years?
Bryce: No, they’re wondering about buying the rights to another one of your books and making a sequel.
Fleming: (Suspiciously.) Which one?
Bryce: Why, the next one of course- “Live And Let Die”. They’re thinking of doing an immediate continuation, with Jimmy and Clarence- now, stop doing, that, Ian- being sent to New York to face a new enemy, Mr Evil.
Fleming: Mr Evil?????
Bryce: Yes, they thought that “Mr Big” was a shade too clichéd.
Fleming: And “Mr Evil” isn’t????
Bryce: (Ploughing on.) And later they go to Jamaica, like in your book.
Fleming: That’s good, I could maybe meet them and show them some good locations that they could use.
Bryce: Er, well, actually, it’d be shot in the studio. They haven’t got a big enough budget to go to the real Jamaica.
Fleming: (Deep breaths.) I see…
Bryce: There, they’ll team up with local fisherman Sharkey and-
Fleming: Sharkey???? His name’s Quarrel!
Bryce: Ah, well, they thought that might be a bit confusing- might make the audience think he was going to start a fight.
Fleming: Right… Is there anything else?
Bryce: Well, just one thing…
Fleming: And what is that?
Bryce: Well….
Fleming: Tell me!
Bryce: They weren’t too keen on the girl who can read minds and tell the future.
Fleming: You mean Solitaire?
Bryce: Yes, her. They want to bring back Valerie Mathis from “Casino Royale” and have her take a course in reading minds and-
Fleming: Violet- another drink!
wait, is any of that true?
was there actually a proposed second adventure for CardSharp Jimmy Bond?
I'll take that as a compliment! 😂😂😂😂
Everything after the picture of Valerie is completely imaginary, caractacus. Before that it's just scene setting. Yes, Violet and Ivar Bryce were real people. And yes, of course Fleming liked to use a cigarette holder and was slightly partial to an occasional alcoholic drink. And obviously Goldeneye and golden typewriter are true.
Especially for @caractacus potts (See the previous three posts.)
1954. The hotel bedroom of Card Sense Jimmy Bond (Barbel shudders with distaste.). He and Valerie Mathis (Barbel shudders again.) are recovering after their final struggle with Le Chiffre and his men, who lie dead on the floor.
Valerie: Oh Jimmy, what do we do?
Bond: (Who is still recovering from being tortured.) Just give me a moment or two.
Valerie: Of course.
(The door opens and Clarence Leiter (Barbel’s shudders verge on uncontrollable.) bursts into the room.)
Leiter: Jimmy! Valerie! (He looks around suspiciously.) Are you sure these men are all dead?
Bond: Of course we’re sure.
Leiter: It’s just that I thought I saw one of them… well, never mind- Thank God you’re all right!
Bond: We’re all right, but I’m going to need a doctor pretty quickly.
Leiter: Oh no, what did that bastard Le Chiffre do to you? It wasn’t… it wasn’t the thing with the chair and the carpet beater, or maybe a knotted rope?
Valerie: Of course not, whatever gives you that idea? They worked on his toes with a pair of pliers.
Bond: Yes, and if you don’t mind I think I’d like some medical attention soon.
Leiter: Of course, of course, but we have to get the two of you out of here- if you’re found with a pile of bodies like this then the local gendarmes will have a few questions, and we don’t want you locked up in cells.
Valerie: Where shall we go, Clarence?
Leiter: You have a room here? Then let’s go there. Come on, Jimmy, lean on me and let’s get out of here.
(They leave the room, Bond limping as he leans heavily on Leiter. Once they’re gone, Peter Lorre gets up and quietly leaves.)
(Valerie’s room. A trustworthy doctor finishes patching up Bond’s toes and leaves.)
Bond: That feels so much better.
Valerie: Oh Jimmy, I’m so glad.
Leiter: Me too, especially since we have another mission on our hands now.
Bond: What do you mean?
Leiter: I’ve had a message from M.
Bond: Em…? Carry on, Clarence.
Leiter: Not Em, M.
Bond: What?
Leiter: My chief- he’s known as M.
Bond: M? That’s ridiculous! You’d never catch me taking orders from someone called M!
Leiter: Anyway, we are both being sent to New York to investigate a gangster who goes by the name of Mr Evil.
Bond: Mr Evil, eh?
Leiter: Yes, he’s the local, er, Mr Big. We’ll find out more en route. I do know that two of his men are called Tee Hee and Whisper.
Bond: Whisper?
Leiter: (Very quietly.) I said, two of his men-
Bond: All right, all right. When’s the flight?
Leiter: Not till tomorrow. I’m afraid we’ll have to stay in your room all night, Valerie.
Bond: Not very gentlemanly and terrible for your reputation, but it sure beats a night in the cells.
Valerie: I understand.
Leiter: Here, you can pass the time reading this book.
Valerie: (Reading.) “Mind Reading For Dummies”? What is this for?
Leiter: We’ll discuss it en route….
thanks @Barbel I just knew Cardsharp Jimmy Bond went on to have further adventures
thing is I cant think how they would actually stage any of Fleming's other stories in that live broadcast format
Casino Royale is the only one really confined to two or three indoor locations, and the sets in one story all have to be right beside each other (think Studio 8H in Saturday Night Live with its multiple stages). Like maybe for Moonraker, they could borrow a rocketship exterior prop from Captain Video or some other mid50s scifi series, but theyd never have time to run to that other series' set and back to their own within a one hour live broadcast. So these'd be some seriously compromised adaptations!
There is one Fleming novel which might be possible to stage in that format, and that's
"But Barbel", I already hear some people (not you, caractacus, of course) cry, "how could that be done? What about the submarines and the pyramids, the Lotus car that becomes amphibious, the steel-toothed giant and the shark, etc etc. How could all that be performed on live television?"
"Ah well, some people", I reply, "that's because you're thinking of Cubby Broccoli's TSWLM, not Ian Fleming's which takes place entirely in a motel in the Adirondacks. Certainly there are flashbacks, both from the female lead Vivienne and from Bond himself, and these take up most of the rather short novel. It shouldn't be beyond the skills of a decent TV writer to figure out a way around that, leaving only a handful of locations inside the motel."
However the main problem would be that Fleming hadn't written this book at the time a live TV production would have been aired.... 😁
I'm curious: how (un)usual is the name Ivar in the UK and the former colonies? Here it's pretty common.
I just googled it, because that's the answer to every question. 😁
About 1000 Americans are named Ivar. I'm surprised that only 8000 Norwegians have that name today. Of course there are far fewer people here, but I expected more Ivars.
I used to know an Ivor, but have never met an Ivar.
It's a fine name and should be used more. 🙂
It's getting near Christmas time again ("Oh no it isn't!") and I'm wondering if anyone is interested in doing a pantomime as we have done in years past Plenty of fun to be had!
If so, please discuss below - or send a PM
Thanks!
sadly, @Barbel I lack a sense of humour
Oh, we both know that isn't true!
Maybe ...
Pantomime? That's what John Nathan-Turner turned Doctor Who into back in the 1980s, right? This American never saw the appeal.
Sorry, I don't follow Doctor Who so can't answer that though I suspect others around here might know.