2023. The home of Bond Fan. He’s happily watching “The Spy Who Loved Me” for what must be over the ten thousandth time (he’s scared he may have forgotten one line of dialogue) when Son Of Bond Fan comes in.
Stromberg: (Onscreen.) Good evening, Mr Bond, I have been expecting you.
Son: Oh, so somebody really does say that.
Bond Fan: (Pausing the film.) What do you mean?
Son: Well, whenever you see a comedian or whoever impersonating a James Bond villain they always say “I’ve been expecting you” and I didn’t remember anybody actually saying it so I began to think it was one of those myths.
Bond Fan: An urban myth, you mean.
Son: Yeah, one of those- like Captain Kirk in “Star Trek” never actually says “Beam me up, Scotty”.
Bond Fan: Well, that’s not-
Son: I know, I know- he says it in the animated version, right? Or Sherlock Holmes never said “Elementary, my dear Watson”. Anyway, I’ve heard lots of people in Bond movies say something like “We’ve been expecting you” but never “I’ve been expecting you” so I’d started to think that it just hadn’t happened.
Bond Fan: You could have asked me.
Son: Didn’t think to.
Bond Fan: A villain says it to Matt Helm in one of those movies, “The Ambushers” if I recall correctly.
Son: (Rolling his eyes.) That’s pretty much the kind of thing you would recall correctly, Dad, though I bet you don’t know the registration number of your car!
Bond Fan: Er….
Son: Go on, let me hear you!
Bond Fan: Point taken. Anyway, what did you come in here for? I thought you were in your room playing “Super Mario Bros” or another of these new-fangled computer games.
Son: (Tries not to laugh.) I wasn’t doing any such thing, in fact I was reading.
Bond Fan: Well, that’s good. Anything I’d know?
Son: Oh, I think you might just have heard of it since I picked it out from your own bookcase.
Bond Fan: (Bursting with pride.) My boy!
Son: I figured it was about time I tried to see what all the fuss was about- and anyway, you’re always leaving books by my door, under my pillow, or wherever.
Bond Fan: (Looks above his head for a halo to appear.) Who, me? I haven’t a clue what you might be talking about.
Son: Yeah, right. Well, this was a brand new edition, which surprised me since I thought you had all of these already.
Bond Fan: It’s a collector thing, I just like to have different editions of the same story.
Son: You mean like how you always say “Thunderball” is much better than “Never Say Never Again” but you’ve still got copies of them both?
Bond Fan: Something like that.
Son: But I think some of the words have been changed.
Bond Fan: Ah yes, well, you see-
Son: I’m pretty sure that one of the characters-
Bond Fan: (Getting worried.) Can I just stop you right there?
Son: - is described as-
Bond Fan: (Panicking.) It was a different time!
Son: - described as “enormous”, when I could swear it was meant to say “enormously fat”.
Bond Fan: Wha...what?
Son: Yes, his name is Augustus Gloop.
Bond Fan: (Visibly relaxing.) Oh… that book.
Son: Yes, of course, that book. What, did you think I was going to say “Live And Let Die”, with the chapter called-
You have obviously put bugs in the EON offices, the homes of all the Bond actors homes and several other places. It's possible it's strictly speaking legal according to some questionable post-9/11 law, not to mention highly informative and funny, but now I see more red flags than in a 1945 victory parade in Moscow. Isn't placing surveillance equipment in you own home and taping the conversations of your own family taking it one step too far, Barbel? What has Bride of Barbel to say about this? Had she even found the listening device hidden inside the QoS DVD cover yet? 🧐
I know you will only say that you haven’t heard from me for such a long time, but honestly I’ve been writing once a month for the last nine months but we’ve never put into port for me to post the letters.
I’ve been enjoying my work here on the “Liparus”. It’s a huge ship. At over a million tons it’s the largest tanker in the world, after the “Karl Marx” of course.
It’s so big that every day there’s something new to see here. I turned the wrong way last week and to my great surprise found myself in a very, very large docking area. Before I was swiftly guided out again by a friendly chap with a sub-machine gun I could swear that I’d spotted a submarine or two in it, but of course that must have been an illusion caused by the low lighting.
I asked the captain if there were perhaps any educational courses that I could undertake during my time here. He wasn’t terribly pleased, but he did offer me the chance to learn some Russian if I wasn’t careful. Really, I don’t understand his sense of humour.
I must admit that I’m a little disappointed not to have seen more of the world through all the ports I thought we would be docking at. I mentioned this to an officer, and he said something about having to get used to the sight of water since we would all be seeing a lot more of it in the future.
Anyway, I’ll sign off for the moment. I hear that the owner of the line, Mr Stromberg, will be visiting soon and I’d best make sure everything is all in order or he’ll blow up.
1983. Pinewood Studios. Set of “Octopussy”, John Glen directing Roger Moore.
John: ...so, Roger, you’ve put the body of the knife-throwing twin into the cannon when you hear the bad guys coming back in to the train car.
Roger: Well, obviously, this is when I jump through the vent in the roof and get on to the roof of the train.
John: No, no, you don’t.
Roger: But I know that once we're on top of the train I get into a fight or my stunt double does anyway and end up falling from the train.
John: Yes, that’s true, but that happens just a bit later.
Roger: That’s crazy, Bond has to get away when he hears the bad guys coming.
John: Yes, but he has to hear them talking so he knows what their evil plan is- and, of course, so that the audience knows.
Roger: But there’s nowhere for him to hide in here except for this gorilla costume…. (Light dawns.) Oh no, John, you can’t be serious.
John: Of course I’m serious- haven’t you read the script?
Roger: Well, no, actually, I was watching a film last night- “Flash Gordon”. Have you seen that one?
John: No, I haven’t.
Roger: Maybe you should, there’s a chap in it who would be of interest to you.
John: Yeah, I know- that’s why Topol was in your last Bond movie.
Roger: No, not him. I mean-
John: Anyway, Roger, you have to get into this gorilla costume so that you can overhear the villains’ plan without them knowing you’re there. At first, anyway.
Roger: It’ll take too long to get in and out of that costume!
John: Don’t worry, I’ll just edit around the parts where you take the costume on and off.
Roger: You wouldn’t be trying to make a clown of me, would you?
John: Er… how far ahead in the script have you read?
Roger: Only till after Bond falls off the train.
John: Then no, Roger, of course I wouldn’t try to make a clown of you!
December 2023. Indigo Books, Canada. Board meeting.
Chairman: ...so what you’re telling me is that we’ve had a year of record profits, then?
Financial Director: Yes indeed, we’ve never had a year like this before. The books are simply flying off the shelves!
Chairman: Well, I can’t think of any better news for ourselves or our shareholders this Christmas!
Chief Editor: I agree, and I believe we all know why.
Chairman: Oh?
Chief Editor: It’s the James Bond books, of course.
Chairman: Ian Fleming? We’ve been publishing his stuff here in Canada since 2015, when the Canadian rights became public domain, and we haven’t had a year like this.
Chief Editor: That’s true, but this year we decided to take a different approach. I don’t know if you’ll remember, Mr Chairman, that over in the United Kingdom IFP, Ian Fleming Publications, has reissued these books in edited editions with changes to the text in order to, let me see now… oh yes, “extend their pleasure to new audiences.”
Chairman: Extend their what?
Chief Editor: Their pleasure. Apparently, some parts would be “likely to cause great offence now, and detract from a reader’s enjoyment”.
Chairman: Harumph. Well, I suppose it’s their right to do things that way if they want. Is that why our sales have gone up, since we didn’t do that?
Chief Editor: I think it’s more to do with the changes we made.
Chairman: Changes? What changes?
Chief Editor: I sent you a memo several months ago. We thought that we would go in the exact opposite direction, highlighted by a sticker on the front saying “Now with EXTRA Sex, Snobbery, and Sadism”.
Chairman: And can we copyright that?
Chief Editor: I think so, I’ve asked the legal department to look into that.
Legal Director: We still haven’t come to any firm conclusion there, Mr Chairman, although we are continuing to look into it.
Chairman: So what changes did you actually make?
Chief Editor: Oh, very very minor ones. Such as Bond waking up on Crab Key to see two beautiful naked girls coming out of the water rather than just one, Bond pulling Blofeld’s head off rather than just strangling him, none of the women except Rosa Klebb and Irma Bunt wearing any tops to their dresses, that sort of thing. Minor stuff.
Chairman: Well it seems to be working out just fine for us- go back and add some more!
1978. Honest Del’s Used Car Dealership, Hackney. A man is casually wandering through looking at the cars when the owner of the dealership comes up. He is short, wearing a checked cap and a fur coat, and bouncing on his feet in a friendly manner.
Owner: Evening,squire.
Man: Good evening.
Owner: You, er, after anything special then?
Man: No, not at all, just having a look.
Owner: Not a problem, sir, not a problem.
Man: Well, let me tell you- I just got divorced, and I’m looking to trade in my family sedan (He waves at the rather ordinary looking car parked outside.) for something a bit more…
Owner: A bit more sporty? Bit more fun?
Man: Yes, I suppose that’s right.
Owner: Lovely jubbly- let me lead you straight over here.
Man: All right.
(He follows the owner to the rear of the establishment where a tall, thin young man is polishing a most attractive white car.)
Owner: Right, leave it out, Rodders, got a customer here.
Rodders: Oh, right.
(He stops polishing the car.)
Man: And what would this be then?
Owner: This, my son, is a Lotus Esprit (He pronounces it “S Prit”, rhyming with “desperate”.).
Man: (Rubbing the car.) A Lotus, eh?
Owner: ‘sright, a Lotus. You want a look?
Man: Oh, I don’t know, I think this might be a little bit out of my price range.
Owner: Au contraire, I’m only looking for ten grand.
Man: Ten grand? I could buy a new one for that!
Owner: Yeah, but there’s a two year waiting list and this one is in beautiful condition- only one owner as well!
Man: Let’s just see…
(He opens the door. Some water flows out.)
Man: What the hell?
Owner: Rodders, you plonker! I told you to clean that up!
Rodders: Sorry, Del.
Owner: It’s, er, only water from it being cleaned up.
Man: Oh yeah? (He bends down and picks up a fish.) So what about this, then?
Owner: Ah, er, must be from the previous owner’s shopping.
Man: (Walking away.) You know, I don’t think I’m interested.
Owner: No, come back- I’ve got an Aston Martin round back! Only one careful owner!
Thank you, N24 (or as @caractacus potts likes to say, TwoFour). Today's will be along later: it's Mother's Day here in the UK and I have things to do first.
Cubby Broccoli's real first name was Albert, hence the joke in the film LALD of naming a croc (or was it an alligator?) after him. Harry Saltzman's real first name was Herschel, so I named the other one after him so Albert had someone to talk to.
2019. Behind an office (“Exotic Animals For Film Productions”) somewhere in London. A white cat, Tiddles VII, paces impatiently back and forward in front of the other cats there, one of which is Fluffy VI who is becoming fed up with it.
Fluffy: Oh, lie down, Tiddles.
Tiddles: I can’t. I just can’t.
Fluffy: You’ve been pacing up and down for the last three days and nights. Some of us are trying to get some sleep around here.
Tiddles: Ever since I overheard the boss talking to the secretary I’ve been so excited I just can’t relax at all.
Fluffy: Yes, I know- they’re making another James Bond film and you naturally think you are going to be in it.
Tiddles: OF course I think I’m going to be in it! It’s a family tradition. Did I ever tell you that-
(Fluffy’s eyes roll with a “here we go again” expression but Tiddles carries on regardless.)
Tiddles: -it all started when my ancestor had to sit on some man’s knee and be fed Siamese Fighting Fish? Now that doesn’t happen every day! Come to think of it, it’s never happened again.
Fluffy: Yes, I know.
Tiddles: Then there was the next time, when she just had to sit there again but there was a loud noise and some sparks and that was very frightening for her.
Fluffy: Was that the time she ran away and hid and couldn’t be found for two weeks?
Tiddles: No, that was the next time, inside a volcano.
Fluffy: Inside a volcano??? You’d die inside a volcano! You’d be burned to death!
Tiddles: It wasn’t a real one, it was full of jeeps and space rockets.
Fluffy: Space rockets? Inside a volcano? I think your ancestor was spinning you a story!
Tiddles: No, really. She got very frightened by a lot of gunfire and explosions, so she scratched some little bald guy who was holding her and ran off. They had to substitute her with one of your ancestors, Fluffy.
Fluffy: So my ancestor was in the next one, then?
Tiddles: No, back to mine again. Your ancestor and mine were both in the one after that, though.
Fluffy: Ah, right.
Tiddles: My ancestor got to wear a diamond collar and your ancestor got kicked hard by shome man who shpoke like thish.
Fluffy: Yes, I remember being told about that. It must have been terrible!
Tiddles: Then after that there was a long wait until my great-great-great grandmother was put on a roof with another bald guy, this time in a wheelchair.
Fluffy: That sounds boring.
Tiddles: Yes, but she kept having to duck to avoid a helicopter. Her next job was easy, though- she just had to sit and let some old guy with a beard stroke her. Then after that, no jobs till a few years ago when I was called for.
Fluffy: What was that like?
Tiddles: Well, by now we’d all worked out that the guy who was to stroke us was called Blue Field, or something like that. He looked different every time, so we’re guessing it’s just a father-to-son thing like we do a mother-to-daughter thing.
Fluffy: Maybe it’s brothers?
Tiddles: Brothers? That’s a really stupid idea.
Fluffy: And you think this guy’s back again?
Tiddles: I heard the boss talking about it, so I just can’t wait! Obviously if they have this Blue Field guy then they have to have a Tiddles for him to stroke.
Fluffy: Are you sure about that?
Tiddles: Of course! If there’s no cat then the people watching the film will complain.
Fluffy: Perhaps they might find something bigger to complain about?
Tiddles: Ha! What could be bigger than no white cat?
at least we know if there is yet another CraigBond film it'll take another five years, meaning the nukes might fly first and none of us will have to see it.
Comments
2023. The home of Bond Fan. He’s happily watching “The Spy Who Loved Me” for what must be over the ten thousandth time (he’s scared he may have forgotten one line of dialogue) when Son Of Bond Fan comes in.
Stromberg: (Onscreen.) Good evening, Mr Bond, I have been expecting you.
Son: Oh, so somebody really does say that.
Bond Fan: (Pausing the film.) What do you mean?
Son: Well, whenever you see a comedian or whoever impersonating a James Bond villain they always say “I’ve been expecting you” and I didn’t remember anybody actually saying it so I began to think it was one of those myths.
Bond Fan: An urban myth, you mean.
Son: Yeah, one of those- like Captain Kirk in “Star Trek” never actually says “Beam me up, Scotty”.
Bond Fan: Well, that’s not-
Son: I know, I know- he says it in the animated version, right? Or Sherlock Holmes never said “Elementary, my dear Watson”. Anyway, I’ve heard lots of people in Bond movies say something like “We’ve been expecting you” but never “I’ve been expecting you” so I’d started to think that it just hadn’t happened.
Bond Fan: You could have asked me.
Son: Didn’t think to.
Bond Fan: A villain says it to Matt Helm in one of those movies, “The Ambushers” if I recall correctly.
Son: (Rolling his eyes.) That’s pretty much the kind of thing you would recall correctly, Dad, though I bet you don’t know the registration number of your car!
Bond Fan: Er….
Son: Go on, let me hear you!
Bond Fan: Point taken. Anyway, what did you come in here for? I thought you were in your room playing “Super Mario Bros” or another of these new-fangled computer games.
Son: (Tries not to laugh.) I wasn’t doing any such thing, in fact I was reading.
Bond Fan: Well, that’s good. Anything I’d know?
Son: Oh, I think you might just have heard of it since I picked it out from your own bookcase.
Bond Fan: (Bursting with pride.) My boy!
Son: I figured it was about time I tried to see what all the fuss was about- and anyway, you’re always leaving books by my door, under my pillow, or wherever.
Bond Fan: (Looks above his head for a halo to appear.) Who, me? I haven’t a clue what you might be talking about.
Son: Yeah, right. Well, this was a brand new edition, which surprised me since I thought you had all of these already.
Bond Fan: It’s a collector thing, I just like to have different editions of the same story.
Son: You mean like how you always say “Thunderball” is much better than “Never Say Never Again” but you’ve still got copies of them both?
Bond Fan: Something like that.
Son: But I think some of the words have been changed.
Bond Fan: Ah yes, well, you see-
Son: I’m pretty sure that one of the characters-
Bond Fan: (Getting worried.) Can I just stop you right there?
Son: - is described as-
Bond Fan: (Panicking.) It was a different time!
Son: - described as “enormous”, when I could swear it was meant to say “enormously fat”.
Bond Fan: Wha...what?
Son: Yes, his name is Augustus Gloop.
Bond Fan: (Visibly relaxing.) Oh… that book.
Son: Yes, of course, that book. What, did you think I was going to say “Live And Let Die”, with the chapter called-
Bond Fan: Oh please, stop right there!!!!
You have obviously put bugs in the EON offices, the homes of all the Bond actors homes and several other places. It's possible it's strictly speaking legal according to some questionable post-9/11 law, not to mention highly informative and funny, but now I see more red flags than in a 1945 victory parade in Moscow. Isn't placing surveillance equipment in you own home and taping the conversations of your own family taking it one step too far, Barbel? What has Bride of Barbel to say about this? Had she even found the listening device hidden inside the QoS DVD cover yet? 🧐
Nah, there's no chance of that. She just reacts to my rows and rows of James Bond books, films, CDs, etc with a patient shrug and a roll of her eyes.
1977.
Dear Mother
I know you will only say that you haven’t heard from me for such a long time, but honestly I’ve been writing once a month for the last nine months but we’ve never put into port for me to post the letters.
I’ve been enjoying my work here on the “Liparus”. It’s a huge ship. At over a million tons it’s the largest tanker in the world, after the “Karl Marx” of course.
It’s so big that every day there’s something new to see here. I turned the wrong way last week and to my great surprise found myself in a very, very large docking area. Before I was swiftly guided out again by a friendly chap with a sub-machine gun I could swear that I’d spotted a submarine or two in it, but of course that must have been an illusion caused by the low lighting.
I asked the captain if there were perhaps any educational courses that I could undertake during my time here. He wasn’t terribly pleased, but he did offer me the chance to learn some Russian if I wasn’t careful. Really, I don’t understand his sense of humour.
I must admit that I’m a little disappointed not to have seen more of the world through all the ports I thought we would be docking at. I mentioned this to an officer, and he said something about having to get used to the sight of water since we would all be seeing a lot more of it in the future.
Anyway, I’ll sign off for the moment. I hear that the owner of the line, Mr Stromberg, will be visiting soon and I’d best make sure everything is all in order or he’ll blow up.
Love to Father
1983. Pinewood Studios. Set of “Octopussy”, John Glen directing Roger Moore.
John: ...so, Roger, you’ve put the body of the knife-throwing twin into the cannon when you hear the bad guys coming back in to the train car.
Roger: Well, obviously, this is when I jump through the vent in the roof and get on to the roof of the train.
John: No, no, you don’t.
Roger: But I know that once we're on top of the train I get into a fight or my stunt double does anyway and end up falling from the train.
John: Yes, that’s true, but that happens just a bit later.
Roger: That’s crazy, Bond has to get away when he hears the bad guys coming.
John: Yes, but he has to hear them talking so he knows what their evil plan is- and, of course, so that the audience knows.
Roger: But there’s nowhere for him to hide in here except for this gorilla costume…. (Light dawns.) Oh no, John, you can’t be serious.
John: Of course I’m serious- haven’t you read the script?
Roger: Well, no, actually, I was watching a film last night- “Flash Gordon”. Have you seen that one?
John: No, I haven’t.
Roger: Maybe you should, there’s a chap in it who would be of interest to you.
John: Yeah, I know- that’s why Topol was in your last Bond movie.
Roger: No, not him. I mean-
John: Anyway, Roger, you have to get into this gorilla costume so that you can overhear the villains’ plan without them knowing you’re there. At first, anyway.
Roger: It’ll take too long to get in and out of that costume!
John: Don’t worry, I’ll just edit around the parts where you take the costume on and off.
Roger: You wouldn’t be trying to make a clown of me, would you?
John: Er… how far ahead in the script have you read?
Roger: Only till after Bond falls off the train.
John: Then no, Roger, of course I wouldn’t try to make a clown of you!
This one is for @Revelator after I read Bond books to be revised to appease sensitive readers.... - Page 3 — ajb007
December 2023. Indigo Books, Canada. Board meeting.
Chairman: ...so what you’re telling me is that we’ve had a year of record profits, then?
Financial Director: Yes indeed, we’ve never had a year like this before. The books are simply flying off the shelves!
Chairman: Well, I can’t think of any better news for ourselves or our shareholders this Christmas!
Chief Editor: I agree, and I believe we all know why.
Chairman: Oh?
Chief Editor: It’s the James Bond books, of course.
Chairman: Ian Fleming? We’ve been publishing his stuff here in Canada since 2015, when the Canadian rights became public domain, and we haven’t had a year like this.
Chief Editor: That’s true, but this year we decided to take a different approach. I don’t know if you’ll remember, Mr Chairman, that over in the United Kingdom IFP, Ian Fleming Publications, has reissued these books in edited editions with changes to the text in order to, let me see now… oh yes, “extend their pleasure to new audiences.”
Chairman: Extend their what?
Chief Editor: Their pleasure. Apparently, some parts would be “likely to cause great offence now, and detract from a reader’s enjoyment”.
Chairman: Harumph. Well, I suppose it’s their right to do things that way if they want. Is that why our sales have gone up, since we didn’t do that?
Chief Editor: I think it’s more to do with the changes we made.
Chairman: Changes? What changes?
Chief Editor: I sent you a memo several months ago. We thought that we would go in the exact opposite direction, highlighted by a sticker on the front saying “Now with EXTRA Sex, Snobbery, and Sadism”.
Chairman: And can we copyright that?
Chief Editor: I think so, I’ve asked the legal department to look into that.
Legal Director: We still haven’t come to any firm conclusion there, Mr Chairman, although we are continuing to look into it.
Chairman: So what changes did you actually make?
Chief Editor: Oh, very very minor ones. Such as Bond waking up on Crab Key to see two beautiful naked girls coming out of the water rather than just one, Bond pulling Blofeld’s head off rather than just strangling him, none of the women except Rosa Klebb and Irma Bunt wearing any tops to their dresses, that sort of thing. Minor stuff.
Chairman: Well it seems to be working out just fine for us- go back and add some more!
Well played sir, well played! There's gold in them thar new editions!
Interesting development. I thought all Canadians were nice, quiet and polite people like Kiefer Sutherland and Pamela Anderson.
I take it you've never been to a Canadian hockey game.
😂😂
Thank you, guys. 😊
1978. Honest Del’s Used Car Dealership, Hackney. A man is casually wandering through looking at the cars when the owner of the dealership comes up. He is short, wearing a checked cap and a fur coat, and bouncing on his feet in a friendly manner.
Owner: Evening, squire.
Man: Good evening.
Owner: You, er, after anything special then?
Man: No, not at all, just having a look.
Owner: Not a problem, sir, not a problem.
Man: Well, let me tell you- I just got divorced, and I’m looking to trade in my family sedan (He waves at the rather ordinary looking car parked outside.) for something a bit more…
Owner: A bit more sporty? Bit more fun?
Man: Yes, I suppose that’s right.
Owner: Lovely jubbly- let me lead you straight over here.
Man: All right.
(He follows the owner to the rear of the establishment where a tall, thin young man is polishing a most attractive white car.)
Owner: Right, leave it out, Rodders, got a customer here.
Rodders: Oh, right.
(He stops polishing the car.)
Man: And what would this be then?
Owner: This, my son, is a Lotus Esprit (He pronounces it “S Prit”, rhyming with “desperate”.).
Man: (Rubbing the car.) A Lotus, eh?
Owner: ‘sright, a Lotus. You want a look?
Man: Oh, I don’t know, I think this might be a little bit out of my price range.
Owner: Au contraire, I’m only looking for ten grand.
Man: Ten grand? I could buy a new one for that!
Owner: Yeah, but there’s a two year waiting list and this one is in beautiful condition- only one owner as well!
Man: Let’s just see…
(He opens the door. Some water flows out.)
Man: What the hell?
Owner: Rodders, you plonker! I told you to clean that up!
Rodders: Sorry, Del.
Owner: It’s, er, only water from it being cleaned up.
Man: Oh yeah? (He bends down and picks up a fish.) So what about this, then?
Owner: Ah, er, must be from the previous owner’s shopping.
Man: (Walking away.) You know, I don’t think I’m interested.
Owner: No, come back- I’ve got an Aston Martin round back! Only one careful owner!
I think Cubby is turning in his grave regarding what has happened to his franchise.
Great stuff, Barbel, all of the imaginary conversations are excellent, as usual.
Thanks, CoolHand- more soon!
1973. The Kananga Crocodile Farm, Louisiana, where the sign outside reads “Trespassers Will be Eaten”. Two of the denizens are having a chat.
Herschel: Morning, Albert.
Albert: Good morning, how are you today?
Herschel: I’m feeling a bit hungry, since you ask.
Albert: Really? I’m sure you ate something last year.
Herschel: Yes, I did have some chicken then, but I could do with something more now.
Albert: Now that you come to mention it, me too.
Herschel: Well, you at least had an arm.
Albert: Oh yes, I’d nearly forgotten about that tall bald human. He got a little careless with me some time back, and I took his whole arm off.
Herschel: Shoulda eaten the rest of him while you had the chance- after all, when you’ve got a job to do you’ve gotta do it well.
Albert: What does it matter to you?
Herschel: Anyway, isn’t that him over there?
Albert: So it is- I see he has some kind of hook contraption in place of his arm.
Herschel: Maybe you’ll get a second crack at him today.
Albert: If I’m very lucky; I should think he’s gonna be a lot more careful now.
Herschel: Look, he’s leaving that guy with him on the little island.
Albert: The pale, well-dressed guy?
Herschel: Yeah, and look- the bald guy is surrounding him with chicken!
Albert: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Herschel: Yeah, we’re having our lunch delivered!
Albert: Well, we’ll have to be quick. He’s already looking for a way to get off.
Herschel: Don’t worry- he’s not going to get out of this with a hop, skip and a jump.
You had a job to do, Barbel, and you did it well. 😀
Thank you, N24 (or as @caractacus potts likes to say, TwoFour). Today's will be along later: it's Mother's Day here in the UK and I have things to do first.
Albert the Alligator is Pogo Possum's friend. So who's Herschel, is he famous too?
Oh, he was very famous cp. Do you want me to tell you or would you prefer to work it out ...?
youll have to explain, @boss, my knowledge is limited to old american comic books. Who is this Herschel?
Cubby Broccoli's real first name was Albert, hence the joke in the film LALD of naming a croc (or was it an alligator?) after him. Harry Saltzman's real first name was Herschel, so I named the other one after him so Albert had someone to talk to.
2019. Behind an office (“Exotic Animals For Film Productions”) somewhere in London. A white cat, Tiddles VII, paces impatiently back and forward in front of the other cats there, one of which is Fluffy VI who is becoming fed up with it.
Fluffy: Oh, lie down, Tiddles.
Tiddles: I can’t. I just can’t.
Fluffy: You’ve been pacing up and down for the last three days and nights. Some of us are trying to get some sleep around here.
Tiddles: Ever since I overheard the boss talking to the secretary I’ve been so excited I just can’t relax at all.
Fluffy: Yes, I know- they’re making another James Bond film and you naturally think you are going to be in it.
Tiddles: OF course I think I’m going to be in it! It’s a family tradition. Did I ever tell you that-
(Fluffy’s eyes roll with a “here we go again” expression but Tiddles carries on regardless.)
Tiddles: -it all started when my ancestor had to sit on some man’s knee and be fed Siamese Fighting Fish? Now that doesn’t happen every day! Come to think of it, it’s never happened again.
Fluffy: Yes, I know.
Tiddles: Then there was the next time, when she just had to sit there again but there was a loud noise and some sparks and that was very frightening for her.
Fluffy: Was that the time she ran away and hid and couldn’t be found for two weeks?
Tiddles: No, that was the next time, inside a volcano.
Fluffy: Inside a volcano??? You’d die inside a volcano! You’d be burned to death!
Tiddles: It wasn’t a real one, it was full of jeeps and space rockets.
Fluffy: Space rockets? Inside a volcano? I think your ancestor was spinning you a story!
Tiddles: No, really. She got very frightened by a lot of gunfire and explosions, so she scratched some little bald guy who was holding her and ran off. They had to substitute her with one of your ancestors, Fluffy.
Fluffy: So my ancestor was in the next one, then?
Tiddles: No, back to mine again. Your ancestor and mine were both in the one after that, though.
Fluffy: Ah, right.
Tiddles: My ancestor got to wear a diamond collar and your ancestor got kicked hard by shome man who shpoke like thish.
Fluffy: Yes, I remember being told about that. It must have been terrible!
Tiddles: Then after that there was a long wait until my great-great-great grandmother was put on a roof with another bald guy, this time in a wheelchair.
Fluffy: That sounds boring.
Tiddles: Yes, but she kept having to duck to avoid a helicopter. Her next job was easy, though- she just had to sit and let some old guy with a beard stroke her. Then after that, no jobs till a few years ago when I was called for.
Fluffy: What was that like?
Tiddles: Well, by now we’d all worked out that the guy who was to stroke us was called Blue Field, or something like that. He looked different every time, so we’re guessing it’s just a father-to-son thing like we do a mother-to-daughter thing.
Fluffy: Maybe it’s brothers?
Tiddles: Brothers? That’s a really stupid idea.
Fluffy: And you think this guy’s back again?
Tiddles: I heard the boss talking about it, so I just can’t wait! Obviously if they have this Blue Field guy then they have to have a Tiddles for him to stroke.
Fluffy: Are you sure about that?
Tiddles: Of course! If there’s no cat then the people watching the film will complain.
Fluffy: Perhaps they might find something bigger to complain about?
Tiddles: Ha! What could be bigger than no white cat?
The James Bond productions've always had a family atmosphere. 😊
I hope that cheered you up and raised the happiness levels where you live. 😃
2006. Patrick Potential, Bookmakers.
Chief Executive: All right, so what have we got this morning?
Show Biz Rep: It’s James Bond again, chief, people are putting a lot of money on who the next one is going to be.
Chief Exec: Tell me some names.
Rep: Clive Owen is still pulling in a lot of cash, we’ve got him at 3/1 favourite.
Chief Exec: Hmm, cut that to 2/1. Who else?
Rep: Hugh Jackman, he’s at 5/1, but the word is he met with Eon and turned them down.
Chief Exec: He turned them down?
Rep: Yeah, I don’t think they were offering him enough money. Remember he’s always got Wolverine from the “X-Men” to fall back on.
Chief Exec: That’s true. All right, keep him at 5/1. Next?
Rep: Idris Elba?
Chief Exec: Isn’t he getting a bit old for this?
Rep: He’s younger than Jackman or Owen!
Chief Exec: Just practicing, I’ve got a feeling his name’s going to be on this list for a long time. What’s the odds on him?
Rep: He’s at 10/1 right now.
Chief Exec: Cut that to 6/1. Next?
Rep: Some guy named Daniel Craig.
Chief Exec: Who?
Rep: Daniel Craig.
Chief Exec: Never heard of him.
Rep: Look, here’s a photo.
(He passes over a photograph. The Chief Executive bursts out laughing.)
Cheif Exec: Oh, he’s got no chance- make him 100/1!
Rep: (Writing.) 100/1, right.
Chief Exec: I think our money’s pretty safe there!
2023. Patrick Potential, Bookmakers.
Chief Executive: All right, so what have we got this morning?
Show Biz Rep: It’s James Bond again, chief, people are putting a lot of money on who the next one is going to be.
Chief Exec: Tell me some names.
Rep: Tom Hardy is still pulling in a lot of cash, we’ve got him at 3/1 favourite.
Chief Exec: Hmm, cut that to 2/1. Who else?
Rep: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, he’s at 5/1, but he’s got another Marvel film coming out.
Chief Exec: How many Marvel movies is that now?
Rep: His fifth, I believe. I think he’s going to be busy with them for the foreseeable future.
Chief Exec: That’s true. All right, keep him at 5/1. Next?
Rep: Idris Elba?
Chief Exec: Isn’t he getting a bit old for this?
Rep: He’s younger than Craig!
Chief Exec: Sorry, just force of habit. What’s the odds on him now?
Rep: He’s at 10/1 right now.
Chief Exec: Cut that to 6/1. Next?
Rep: Craig himself might come back.
Chief Exec: What?
Rep: Daniel Craig. He might come back for one more if the money’s right.
Chief Exec: You’ve got to be joking, after all that he’s said?
Rep: Sean Connery said all that before him, and he came back.
Chief Exec: Well, there’s always a chance- make him 1000/1!
Rep: (Writing.) 1000/1, right.
Chief Exec: I think our money’s pretty safe there!
oh no Barbel now you've jinxed it!
at least we know if there is yet another CraigBond film it'll take another five years, meaning the nukes might fly first and none of us will have to see it.
First Barbel jinxed Bond26, then CP jinxed the world's future!
You guys are crediting me with too much influence- "Overpraise, I'm afraid" as M says in TWINE. 😁
2023. A flat in Chelsea. A delivery man, carrying a large box, knocks on a door which is answered by a tall, handsome man with a scar down one cheek.
Man: Yes?
Delivery Man: Got a box here for someone called…. (He reads the label.) Band?
Man: Bond. James Bond.
Delivery Man: Yeah, that’s right!
Bond: (For it is, of course, he.) Well, what is it?
Delivery Man: It’s from “Hello Fresh”.
Bond: And what’s that?
Delivery Man: You don’t know? Don’t you watch television, then?
Bond: I don’t even have one.
Delivery Man: It’s food. It’s a meal kit! Exciting new recipes delivered straight to your doorstep- like this one, see?
Bond: Well, I didn’t order it.
(Bond makes to shut the door, but the man moves the box to prevent him.)
Delivery Man: This was ordered on your behalf, mate- er, I mean, sir.
Bond: Why would someone do that?
Delivery Man: Maybe someone thinks you should be eating more salad, more vegetables.
Bond: And who might that be?
Delivery Man: (Reading the label.) A Miss… Moneyhoney, I think.
Bond: (Sighing.) I think I know who that is.
Delivery Man: Here, take a look inside.
(He opens the box and Bond peers inside.)
Bond: Lettuce? Bell peppers? Red cabbage?
Delivery Man: Yeah, great stuff, isn’t it?
Bond: I wouldn’t be caught dead eating this stuff. Where’s the veal? Where’s the caviar? Where, for God’s sake, is the foie gras?
Delivery Man: Well, you get tofu and miso soup.
Bond: I don’t think so. Take it away.
(The man turns to go.)
Bond: Wait a minute. You can leave the slices of lemon and the olives....