1971. Slumber, Inc. James Bond has just escaped being cremated, by Shady Tree and Mr Slumber removing his coffin from the fires and opening it. They are less than pleased that he doesn’t have the real diamonds.
Shady: Where do ya think you’re goin’?
Bond: I hear that the Hotel Tropicana is quite comfortable. My condolences, gentlemen.
(He walks briskly out. Shady slams the coffin lid in disgust.)
Mr Slumber: What are we going to do?
Shady: Ya mean, what are you goin’ to do. I got a show tonight.
(And Shady also leaves. Mr Slumber stares after him desolately, then turns to see two familiar figures.)
Mr Slumber: Listen, I-
Mr Wint: You remember us, Mr Slumber? I’m Mr Wint, and this is Mr Kidd.
Mr Slumber: Yes, of course I remember you!
Mr Kidd: And we have a burning question for you.
Mr Wint: A hot topic, you might say.
Mr Slumber: You want the diamonds?
Mr Kidd: You’re getting warm.
Mr Slumber: The diamonds weren’t there! That guy Franks didn’t have them!
Mr Wint: I believe you may have misunderstood us, Mr Slumber, when we said you’re getting warm.
(He looks at the charred coffin Bond has recently departed from.)
Mr Slumber: What? No! You can’t mean that!
Mr Kidd: Yes, you’re getting very warm.
(Mr Slumber suddenly lunges towards the door which Shady Tree and James Bond have both left from, but is easily restrained by Mr Wint and Mr Kidd.)
Mr Wint: No need for such blazing speed.
Mr Slumber: No!
(Mr Kidd produces a pistol and calmly shoots Mr Slumber in the head. The two then open the coffin and place him inside.)
Mr Kidd: It appears that Mr Slumber was becoming rather heated, Mr Wint.
Mr Wint: Quite incandescent, Mr Kidd.
(He presses a button on the control panel and the coffin slides away towards the steel doors which are opening up. Mr Kidd takes his hand and they walk away.)
2023. House Of Barbel. He is reading a book and grumbling loudly, making occasional discernible comments, as Bride Of Barbel enters.
Bride: Hi honey, what’s wrong?
Barbel: (Barely lifting his eyes from the book.) It’s this book I’m reading.
Bride: Oh yes, that new James Bond one.
Barbel: Well, sort of.
Bride: You don’t like it, then?
Barbel: No, I’m not enjoying it at all.
Bride: Is it one of those you were complaining about, where the publishers have censored and bowdlerised the original Ian Fleming text?
Barbel: (Puts book down.) No, I’d never buy one of those. I am totally with Roland Hume in his campaign against those. This is “Double Or Nothing”, by Kim Sherwood.
Bride: So what’s the problem, then?
Barbel: It’s clumsy. I’m still only a few chapters in and already I've lost count of the number of paraphrased Fleming passages which the author has blatantly shoehorned in, in an effort to suggest and then maintain continuity while less than subtly updating the situations and characters in a manner which some people may choose to call "woke" (Pauses for breath.) but without contradicting either film or novel continuity.
Bride: Right….
(He picks the book up again and reads some more.)
Barbel: Argh!!!
Bride: What is it, darling?
Barbel: Oh, crap- she hasn’t gone there!
Bride: Gone where?
Barbel: She’s… she’s…
Bride: Calm down, my love, here, drink some water.
Barbel: (Gulping down the proffered water.) I must have misread, I’ll read it again… No, it’s still there!
Bride: What’s still there???
Barbel: She’s… changed the name of one of the major characters.
Bride: Yes?
Barbel: We are talking about… Ms Moneypenny!
Bride: No!
Barbel: Yes! You know that I’ve been reading these books for …. Well, let’s just say a long, long time. Fleming, then Amis, Gardner, Benson, and all the rest. That character is called MISS Moneypenny!!!
Bride: Calm down, dear, remember your blood pressure.
Barbel: It’s the final straw!
Bride: So… you’re going to put it down and not finish it, then?
Barbel: Oh no, I’m going to continue and probably buy the next two she’s planning.
1964. The Boothroyd household. Major Boothroyd comes home after a hard day’s work explaining his gadgets etc to James Bond.
Q: Hello, my love, I’m home.
Mrs Q: Hello, darling. (Kiss, kiss.) How was your day?
Q: Terrible! I didn’t enjoy it at all.
Mrs Q: That’s not like you, Geoffrey. Usually you have to be dragged away from your workshops and laboratories.
Q: Not when 007 is involved.
Mrs Q: Oh, that chap… what was his name, Pond? Fond?
Q: Bond. James Bond.
Mrs Q: That’s right. Was he annoying you?
Q: Yes he most surely was! There I was, trying to explain how a Homer works and all he can think about is if it will let him get a drink.
Mrs Q: And will it?
Q: It has not been perfected after years of patient research entirely for that purpose. And then there was the car.
Mrs Q: Oh yes, you told me about that- an Aston Martin, isn’t it?
Q: That’s right. We have been fitting it out with all sorts of self-defence and offence apparatus and he won’t take any of it seriously.
Mrs Q: Well, what have you put in it?
Q: Machine guns, oil slicks, a bullet-proof rear shield, tyre slashers, reinforced bumpers, revolving number plates (valid all countries, naturally), a cleverly hidden vast water tank to produce enough water force to knock attackers off their feet, and a passenger ejector seat.
Mrs Q: Ejector seat? You’re joking!
Q: Now where have I heard that before?
Mrs Q: And none of this was enough to make this Bond chap happy?
1969. The Pleasence household. Donald is pacing up and down the floor in front of the telephone- at least, he’s doing his best to do that considering he’s on crutches with one leg in plaster.
Mrs Pleasence: Oh, sit down, Donald, you’re wearing out my nice new carpet.
Donald: That’s just it, I can’t sit down! I’ve tried and tried, but I keep having to get up to walk about again and that is no fun with my leg like this.
Mrs Pleasence: Just relax, and I’ll bring you a nice cup of tea.
Donald: Relax? I can’t relax!
Mrs Pleasence: You aren’t doing that leg any good, you know.
Donald: I know, but I can’t help it.
Mrs Pleasence: If only you hadn’t gone for those skiing lessons.
Donald: But I had to! I’ve seen the script for the new James Bond movie, and this time Blofeld is on top of a mountain in the Swiss Alps. When James Bond tries to get away from there, Blofeld goes skiing after him!
Mrs Pleasence: Yes, but-
Donald: I’ve never skied a day in my life, so I had to go get skiing lessons as fast as I could just in case they gave the part to somebody else.
Mrs Pleasence: But they might not have wanted you anyway.
Donald: That would be crazy, who else could they find who was prepared to wait sixteen hours in a make-up chair to get that ridiculous scar on?
Mrs Pleasence: Well, if they want you they will call you, so just sit down and-
Donald: If I don’t get to the phone quickly enough then they might get somebody else.
Mrs Pleasence: Look at it this way- if they don’t want you, then you won’t have to stroke that vicious cat again.
Donald: Oh God, you’re right- that thing tried to murder me!
Mrs Pleasence: You're going to sit down, then?
Donald: Yes, I suppose you’re right.
(He sits down.)
Mrs Pleasence: There, isn’t that better?
Donald: Yes, much better. Thank you, my love.
Mrs Pleasence: I’ll go and make some tea.
(She goes off to the kitchen.)
Donald: I might as well practice some lines while I’m sitting here. (Picks up script.) “I have taught you to love chickens. To love their flesh, their voice.” What the hell is this?
Mrs Pleasence: (From the kitchen.) What on Earth are you on about, Donald?
Donald: It’s just this script. It sounds really-
(The telephone rings. Donald springs up to his feet, realises he can’t, and promptly falls over with a crash. Mrs Pleasence comes rushing up to him.)
Mrs Pleasence: Donald! Oh, Donald!
Donald: I’m all right, just get the-
(The phone stops ringing.)
Donald: Never mind.
Meanwhile, in Eon HQ, cleverly disguised as a casino in Portugal.
Harry: No answer?
Cubby: Nope, no answer.
(He hangs up.)
Harry: Oh well, I suppose we better try that American fella, Terry something.
Cubby: (Already looking up the number.) Telly. Telly Savalas.
Pick a year. A line of smartly dressed people are standing in a theatre foyer. At the very end of the line stand two guys, let’s call them Bob and Vic. Their boss is introducing a very, very well-known lady to the individuals...
Vic: …and there he goes, flashing his charming smile as she compliments him- it’s as if he really did all the things you see on the screen!
Bob: Now, calm down, Vic, she knows better than that.
Vic: They’re laughing now. I bet she thinks he really jumped out of a helicopter without a parachute, landed on the Empire State Building, and skied all the way down.
Bob: Yes, Vic, we all know that was really you.
Vic: And it was you that leapt across the Grand Canyon, using only a handkerchief to keep you aloft, but he gets all the credit!
Bob: That’s true, but we knew all about that when we signed up for the job. We both did, it was perfectly clear.
Vic: And just look at that woman- see how beautiful she is?
Bob: Of course, she’s gorgeous.
Vic: We do all the hard stuff, abseiling down a cliff while avoiding machine gun fire, and then he gets to kiss her at the bottom!
Bob: Er, I don’t think he did that, Vic.
Vic: The bottom of the cliff, I mean.
Bob: All in the contract, Vic.
Vic: And you don’t see any of the Bonds calling for a double in the bed scenes.
Bob: Apart from with Teri Hatcher, of course.
Vic: Oh yes, I forgot about that.
Bob: And with Grace Jones.
Vic: Well, that was only sensible.
Bob: Ssh, here they come!
(Their boss appears, guiding that very, very well-known lady.)
Well, dear readers, I have a small announcement to make.
I am pleased to tell you that in July this thread enters its fourth year. I know, I am as surprised as anyone is. To mark this, I am planning to be running a selection of favourite Imaginary Conversations through the month of July. Not just my own favourites, I have already received suggestions from others. If anyone has any particular favourites, please tell me the number of the Conversation concerned so I can reprint it.
I won't be coming up with new Conversations meantime because curating this takes up a surprising amount of time, but if anyone else wants to fill that gap please feel free.
So, we enter our fourth year. Many thanks to the members who contributed suggestions, and sometimes lists. I'd like to kick off with this one...
Let’s say… 2014. Four distinguished gentlemen dressed in white tuxedos are sitting together admiring a view.
Sean: Ahh.. very passable, this, very passable.
Roger: Nothing like a good glass of Bollinger.
Timothy: You're right there.
Pierce: Who'd have thought fifty years ago we'd all be sitting here drinking Bollinger?
Sean: In those days, we'd have been glad to have the price of a cup of tea.
Roger: A cup of cold tea.
Timothy: Without milk or sugar.
Pierce: Or tea!
Sean: In a filthy, cracked cup.
Roger: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up script.
Timothy: The best we could manage was to suck on one of Q’s old ties.
Pierce: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
Roger: Because we were poor! Old Cubby often used to say to me, 'Money doesn't buy you happiness.'
Sean: And he was right. I was happier then and we had nothing. We used to film in this tiny old set, with great big holes in the roof.
Roger: Set? You were lucky to have a set! We used to film in one room, all hundred and twenty-six of us, no props. John Barry playing a slide whistle. Half the floor was missing; we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling!
Pierce: You were lucky to have a room- we used to have to film in a corridor.
Timothy: Oh, we used to dream of filming in a corridor! That would have been a palace to us. We used to film in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by John Glen peeing all over us.
Pierce: Er, that was just on you, Timothy.
Timothy: Hmph.
Sean: Well, when I say 'set' it was only four sheets of newspaper that Ken Adam had coloured in with a felt-tip pen but it was a set to us.
Roger: We were evicted from our sheets of newspaper. We had to film in a puddle.
Timothy: You were lucky to have a puddle! There were a hundred and sixty of us filming in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.
Pierce: Cardboard box, was it?
Timothy: That’s right.
Pierce: You were lucky. We filmed for three months inside a brown paper bag inside a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean the brown paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, then go to film for fourteen hours a day week in week out. And when we got back, Martin Campbell would thrash us to sleep with his belt!
Roger: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the puddle at three o'clock in the morning, clean the puddle, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to film every day for tuppence a month, come back, and Lewis Gilbert would beat us around the head and neck with a model Walther PPK, if we were lucky!
Timothy: Of course we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and lick the road clean with our tongues. We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day filming for fourpence every six years, and when we got back, John Glen would slice us in two with a bread knife.
Sean: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, film twenty-nine hours a day, and pay Cubby for permission to come to work, and when we got back, Terence Young would kill us and dance about on our graves singing 'Hallelujah.'
Roger: But you try and tell young Daniel that today... and he won't believe you!
Thanks to Number 24 for his help with the following. This was the most requested.
1999.
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Monday: So exciting x! The first day of shooting for my new film "The World Isn't Good Enough", which is a James Bond movie. I like James Bond, and his butler Alfred.
The director, Mr Apted, is very nice and spent a lot of time helping me to say the word "physicist". It's all great fun x!
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Monday: Today saw the arrival of our other leading lady, Denise. She was due on set at 9am, but spent till 11.30am in make-up. When she emerged, she was wearing a bikini and I had to convince her that, yes, it was really hot but it would be much more appropriate if she wore something else. After much persuasion she agreed to a T-shirt and shorts and then it was time for lunch.
After lunch it took 47 takes for her to get the word “physicist” correct. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow.
------------------------------------------
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Tuesday: Today I was working with James Bond himself, Pierce Bronson! He was very nice and charming. I told him how much my mother liked him in "The Saint" and "The Persuaders" and he gave me a lovely smile.
I think he did very well taking over from Sean Connery x!
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Tuesday: We’re continuing the scene from yesterday, but Denise wanted a change of costume and turned up in a different outfit. I had to tell her that yes, the audience would notice if she was suddenly wearing something else in the middle of a scene.
I don’t know what she said to Pierce, but he’s been walking about with a fixed grin avoiding her as much as he can.
Wednesday: Today I met Queen Judi Dench. She is very small and very old. I told her that I had been things and seen places, and she said she could believe it. Mr Apted was much more nicerer to her than he was to me even though I am much better looking! I asked him why, and he said it was something called "respect". I must look that up x!
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Wednesday: Dame Judi had a scene today, and I was hoping that Denise might learn something from her but she spent most of her time on her phone with someone called “Charlie”. I did manage to teach her a new word later, though.
Thursday: Today I found out that I am called "Christmas" in this movie! That seems very strange! We've been out in the desert, there isn't a sign of snow anywhere! And I am a doctor too! I wonder what I will learn tomorrow x?
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Thursday: Only had to film Pierce and Judi today, so told Denise to sit in her caravan reading the script. I had to persuade her that yes, this would be a good idea.
Friday: Today we are filming in a big tank full of water. I had picked out a lovely blue dress, with chiffon edging, and a floral design on the front, but Mr Apted said I was to wear a white T-shirt. I didn't see why, my dress was so much more beautifuler, but Mr Apted said it was important for the scene. I must ask Charlie about that when I get back x.
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Friday: We were shooting in the water tank today, and again I had to explain to Denise that her wardrobe choices were not ideal. Finally she agreed to the white T-shirt Michael had suggested and the reasons for her casting became a lot more clear. Inexplicably, there were a lot more crew on set for this scene than usual.
------------------------------------------
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Monday: Today I have to do a big scene with everybody- Peers Bronson, Queen Judi, and Sophie Marceau. Sophie is behaving like she is the leading lady of this film! She gets most of the lines! I try to stand where I’ll be seen but Mr Apted keeps moving me. Every time she talks to Pierse or Queen Judi I move forward but he keeps making me stand in the back.
I asked Queen Judi why Sophie is behaving like she is the leading lady and the villain of the film all rolled up into one, but she only asked me how I was getting on with my script reading. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Monday: The scene with Bond and M and Elektra in the control room. There’s a lot of exposition here, so obviously I kept Denise well in the background. For some reason she keeps standing in front of Judi or Sophie and I have to keep telling her to move back. Eventually I had to let her say something so I gave her two lines and crossed my fingers.
Tuesday: Pierz and I have to pretend we are in a tunnel. There are lots of pretty sparkly lights and I have to say stuff like “tactical fission device” and “half the plutonium’s missing”. Peirs and Mr Apted were so wonderful, helping me get it right. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Tuesday: Oh dear God, I thought this day would never end. Denise kept saying things like “fissing tacking device” and “half the platinum’s missing”. Pierce’s teeth must have been ground to powder by the time we reached take 47.
Wednesday: Nice scene today! James Bond and me have to pretend that we have been blown up! I enjoy working with Piers. I told him I didn’t see how he found the time, what with his morning show on the TV. I just love his beautiful smile. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Wednesday: Pierce is doing that fixed grin again, I wish I knew what she says to him.
Thursday: Mr Broccoli and Miss Wilson came down to the set today. I said hello, but they kept talking with Mr Apted. They did look over at me once or twice though. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Thursday: Barbara and Michael are adamant, we have to use Denise no matter how much I begged. Pierce came over and joined in the begging, but they won’t budge. Apparently the US distributors insist on one American name in the main cast.
Extra bits-
From the diary of Denise Richards
Today we were filming in the submarine set. I had lines with lots of sciency stuff and I needed many takes. Peerce is such a gentleman! He made large posters with my lines written on them with lots of big letters, lines under hard words and these letters: !!!!!!
It was so helpful. I only needed a dozen or perhaps twelve takes when he was holding up the posters.
I had a discussion with the director about my costume. I think a Bond girl should wear a glamorous dress, but Mr Apted said I had to wear a white T-shirt in the flooding set because it was vital to the plot. I wasn't sure, but I called Charlie in the US and he said the T-shirt was a great idea! He was very enthusiastic about it.
After lunch I had to do a scene of me almost drowning in the sub. Again Pearz was super supportive! Even though he wasn't in the scene he was standing behind the camera smiling sweetly to me all the time!
----------------------------------------------
Friday: My last scene today. Quite an easy one, I just had to kiss Pears. He said something about eating turkey for Christmas and I was to smile as if I understood. It didn’t take too many retakes to get it right. x
I have to protest! I wrote an unspecified part of that story with Barbel. The concepts of the story is my intellectual property! I demand to try to post different versions of the same story for decades, co-produce it when it is turned into a short movie and to be in charge of the casting of the female leads. Even if I get this I will continue ... I mean start being a pain in the backside to Barbel because of all this and bring him to an early grave. It's only fair.
1971. Pinewood Studios. Set of “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Bond: Well, it'sh hardly worth the effort. After all, I wouldn't know which one of you to kill.
Blofeld 1: We appreciate your predicament, Mr Bond.
Blofeld 2: We deeply sympathise.
Guy Hamilton: And cut! Everyone take five.
(The two cats are taken to their area on the side of the set.)
Tiddles: So, your first James Bond film then?
Snowy: Yes, it is- you’ve obviously done them before?
Tiddles: Oh yes. In my first one I had to sit in some guy’s lap and was fed a Siamese Fighting Fish.
Snowy: Really? That sounds good, I’ve never had one of those.
Tiddles: Then a couple of years later I just had to sit on the same guy’s lap and be stroked.
Snowy: Sounds good, too.
Tiddles: But the one after that was awful! They kept exploding things and firing guns. I was really scared! This little guy with a scar was holding me tight and I just wanted to get away.
Snowy: And did you?
Tiddles: Oh, yes, eventually. I bet I scratched him bad- I just ran off and hid, it took them two weeks to coax me back out again.
Snowy: Did that put you off being in another one?
Tiddles: Definitely, but they got me back anyway and promised they’d be really nice to me this time. It was a different guy stroking me.
Snowy: Ah, that would be better.
Tiddles: Well, apart from the time he got a phone message “Der Englander ist verschwunden”.
Snowy: “Der Englander ist verschwunden”? What does that mean?
Tiddles: I don’t know, I don’t speak French. I suppose it means “Throw the cat to the floor” because that’s what he did!
Snowy: Terrible.
Tiddles: Well, at least nothing like that’s going to happen this time, I hope. They’ve all been really nice this time.
Snowy: I like the guy in the tuxedo who talksh like thish.
Tiddles: Yes, I’ve met him before. Then he was replaced with another fella, but he seems to be back now.
Guy: Everyone back on set, positions please! Only one of the cats this time.
Tiddles: Do you want to do it or shall I?
Snowy: Let me do it, I don’t think it’ll be much to worry about.
Tiddles: No worries, catch you later.
Guy: Ok, someone put the cat on the couch…. Ready, Sean? Action!!!
Snowy: Meooooow!!!!!
(No cats were harmed in the making of this conversation.)
1982. Cubby, Richard Maibaum, MGW and John Glen are discussing the next Bond movie.
Glen: The general view of Bond fans is that FYEO is a great entry in the series, getting Bond back on a more serious level, many think it’s the best Roger film so far, I’m really happy with it!
Cubby: Maybe so, but it made a lot less profit than MR so we need to get back to some good old comedy.
MGW: We need to play to Roger’s strengths as an actor, he hates all that macho stuff like kicking cars off a cliff, he’s much better clowning around.
Maibaum: Ok, I will get him dressed up as a clown in a circus!
Glen: But....
Cubby: Brilliant idea, Richard.
MGW: How about getting Bond swing through trees on a vine doing the Tarzan yell?
Glen: But...
Cubby: Great idea, write it in, Richard.
Maibaum: Who’s popular on TV at the moment?
MGW: That Barbara woman, who trains dogs
Glen: But no one outside of the UK knows her!
Cubby: Oh we all watch that, John, maybe try and get something out of that, Richard, I’m sure we can think of something.
Glen: (Exasperated.) We may as well dress him up in a gorilla suit as well!
Cubby: Now you’re talking! Write that in, Richard.
Glen: (Stands up to leave, in a huff.) Oh, for goodness sake!
1953. Goldeneye, Jamaica. Ian Fleming sits at his typewriter.
Fleming: (Typing.) "The smell and scent and sound of a gaming house are sickening at four in the morning".
(He puffs unhappily at his cigarette (specially made for him by Morlands of Grosvenor Street using a Balkan and Turkish mixture, with three gold bands on the filter.) in its holder, and shakes his head.)
Fleming: (Typing.) “The aroma and smog and perspiration of a gaming house are vomit-inducing at two forty-five in the morning.”
(He shakes his head, crunches up the paper and inserts more into his typewriter. Anne opens the door.)
Anne: I’ve brought you a cup of coffee, Ian. (Hands him a cup.)
Fleming: Wonderful, darling, thank you.
(She leaves. He begins typing again.)
Fleming: (Typing.) “The fragrance and fumes and sweat of a gambling club are revolting at three in the morning. “ Hmmm, getting there…
(Anne opens the door again.)
Anne: Would you like another coffee, Ian?
Fleming: How about a drink this time?
Anne: I’ll bring you one.
(Anne exits. Fleming puffs his cigarette, staring moodily at his typewriter, before she returns.)
Anne: Here, Ian, a double Scotch.
Fleming: That’s more like it! Thank you, darling.
(Anne leaves again. He sips his drink then crunches up the paper and starts again.)
Fleming: (Typing.) “The perfume and smoke and sweat of a casino are stomach-turning at three in the morning.” Still not right…
(He stares moodily at the paper while sipping the whisky. Time passes, then Anne opens the door again.)
Anne: How is it coming along, darling?
Fleming: I’m almost there, but still can’t quite get it right.
Anne: (A woman who knows her man.) Perhaps one more drink?
Fleming: But of course.
Anne: I think I know the very thing.
(She departs, then returns after a few moments.)
Anne: Here we are. Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shaken very well until it's ice-cold, then a large thin slice of lemon peel.
Fleming: Perfect!
(Anne leaves. Fleming sips his drink. He nods happily, drinks some more then returns to his typewriter.)
Fleming: (Typing.) “The scent and smoke and sweat of a casino are nauseating at three in the morning. Then the soul-erosion produced by high gambling -a compost of greed and fear and nervous tension- becomes unbearable and the senses awake and revolt from it.”
(Inspired, he continues to type….)
Some weeks later….
Fleming: (Typing.) "The girl has passed away".
(He puffs unhappily at his cigarette (still specially made for him by Morlands of Grosvenor Street using a Balkan and Turkish mixture, with three gold bands on the filter.) in its holder, and shakes his head.)
Fleming: (Typing.) “The female has snuffed it.”
(He shakes his head, crunches up the paper and inserts more into his typewriter. Anne opens the door.)
Anne: I’ve brought you a cup of coffee, Ian. (Hands him a cup.)
Fleming: Wonderful, darling, thank you.
Anne: I’m still trying to get our new dog to eat. She won’t touch a thing.
Fleming: Ah, ok.
(She leaves. He begins typing again.)
Fleming: (Typing.) “Bereft of life, she rests in peace.” Hmmm...
(Anne opens the door again.)
Anne: Would you like another coffee, Ian?
Fleming: How about a drink this time?
Anne: I’ll bring you one. The dog still won’t eat, I’m hoping she’s ok.
Fleming: Yes, me too.
(Anne exits. Fleming puffs his cigarette, staring moodily at his typewriter, before she returns.)
Anne: Here, Ian, a double Scotch.
Fleming: That’s more like it! Thank you, darling.
Anne: I’ll go back to the dog. She’s showing signs of getting hungry.
(Anne leaves again. He sips his drink then crunches up the paper and starts again.)
Fleming: (Typing.) “She is no more. She has ceased to be. She has expired and gone to meet her maker.” Still not right…
(He stares moodily at the paper while sipping the whisky. Time passes, then Anne opens the door again.)
Anne: How it it coming along, darling?
Fleming: I’m almost there, but still can’t quite get it right.
Anne: (A woman who knows her man.) Perhaps one more drink?
Fleming: But of course.
Anne: I think I know the very thing.
(She departs, then returns after a few moments.)
Anne: Here we are. Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shaken very well until it's ice-cold, then a large thin slice of lemon peel.
Fleming: Perfect!
Anne: By the way, I have succeeded with the dog. The bitch is fed now.
Man 1: ...I was having a drink and then this odd thing happened...a Lotus car emerged from the sea and drove up onto the beach right past me.
Man 2: Really?
Man 1: Yep, honestly...then 2 years later I was sitting having a drink in St Mark’s Square, Venice and a gondola comes sailing right past me!
Man 2: A gondola? Are you sure you hadn’t had one or two drinks more than usual?
Man 1: No, I’m telling you, this gondola sailed right past, damndest thing I ever saw, even a pigeon looked twice!
Man 2: Must have been extraordinary.
Man 1: Then, only last year, I was sitting at a table having a drink at a ski resort and these skiers come flying through the air and ski right along my table, I tell you, unbelievable things happen to me.
Man 2: Yes, they do, heaven knows what will happen next?
Man 1: (Shaking his head and offering his hand.) By the way, my name’s Victor Tourjansky...
Man 2: (Takes his hand.) Bond...James Bond. (Smiles and raises right eyebrow.)
2012. M’s office. She sits in front of her laptop.
M: Now, where’s the “Record” function….? Ah, here. (Coughs.) Right. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to-
(Phone rings.)
M: Damn. Hello? … Yes, all right, just give me five minutes.
(Hangs up.)
M: Oh bloody hell, I’ve recorded that. Now, where’s the “Delete” button….? Ah, got it. (Presses button.) Right, now let’s start again. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to to do something. Find a man called Marco Sci- Scia… Damn. (Presses button.) All right, this time. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to do something. Find a man-
(There is a knock on the door. Tanner enters.)
Tanner: Excuse me, ma’am.
M: Dammit, Tanner, what is it?
Tanner: Sorry, but you need to sign these papers immediately.
M: All right. (Signs papers.) Is that all?
Tanner: Yes, ma’am, thank you.
(Tanner exits.)
M: Right, this time. Oh, I’ve recorded that again. Where’s “Delete”?….Ah, here. Now…. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to do something. Find a man called Marco Sciarra. Kill him... and don't miss the funeral. (Presses button.) There, that should do it. Oh damn, I’ve pressed “Delete” again! Right, one more try...
Pierce: Thank you. Hello…. Yes, it’s me… Ah hello Barbara and Michael, how are you?… Yes, I’m fine thanks… Oh? What do you want to tell me?…. What?…. But you… Hang on, this isn’t April 1st is it? You’re just up to some sort of… I see, you’re not joking… You really, really don’t want me to… Really, truly… It’s not me, it’s you… You’re just trying to find yourselves… You’re going through a lot right now… You need space… You want more excitement… Best thing for both of us... What? You’ve found someone else… It’s not that Hugh Jackman, is it? Because you said… Not him… I know, it’s Clive Owen isn’t it? I bet it’s… Well, who is it then? I’ll find out anyway so you may as well tell me now… WHO??? HIM??? You have got to be f***ng kidding me!!!… Right… Yes, I’m sure we will see each other around… Yes, of course, we can still be friends.
(Throws phone into the nearest bin.)
Assistant: Is everything all right, Mr Brosnan?
Pierce: No, everything is sodding well not all right!
Assistant: ...er..
Director: Back on set, everyone, please… Ok, action!
(Pierce stands frozen.)
Director: Pierce?
Pierce: ….bastards…
Director: No, that’s not the line. Right, Take 2 and...action!
Pierce: ….”times have changed”… “find a younger man”…
Director: Er, Pierce?
Pierce: ...f***ing James f***ing Bond…
Director: Pierce?
Pierce: I’ll give them shaken not bloody stirred…
Director: Ok, cut. I think we’ll just have to start again tomorrow.
Comments
1971. Slumber, Inc. James Bond has just escaped being cremated, by Shady Tree and Mr Slumber removing his coffin from the fires and opening it. They are less than pleased that he doesn’t have the real diamonds.
Shady: Where do ya think you’re goin’?
Bond: I hear that the Hotel Tropicana is quite comfortable. My condolences, gentlemen.
(He walks briskly out. Shady slams the coffin lid in disgust.)
Mr Slumber: What are we going to do?
Shady: Ya mean, what are you goin’ to do. I got a show tonight.
(And Shady also leaves. Mr Slumber stares after him desolately, then turns to see two familiar figures.)
Mr Slumber: Listen, I-
Mr Wint: You remember us, Mr Slumber? I’m Mr Wint, and this is Mr Kidd.
Mr Slumber: Yes, of course I remember you!
Mr Kidd: And we have a burning question for you.
Mr Wint: A hot topic, you might say.
Mr Slumber: You want the diamonds?
Mr Kidd: You’re getting warm.
Mr Slumber: The diamonds weren’t there! That guy Franks didn’t have them!
Mr Wint: I believe you may have misunderstood us, Mr Slumber, when we said you’re getting warm.
(He looks at the charred coffin Bond has recently departed from.)
Mr Slumber: What? No! You can’t mean that!
Mr Kidd: Yes, you’re getting very warm.
(Mr Slumber suddenly lunges towards the door which Shady Tree and James Bond have both left from, but is easily restrained by Mr Wint and Mr Kidd.)
Mr Wint: No need for such blazing speed.
Mr Slumber: No!
(Mr Kidd produces a pistol and calmly shoots Mr Slumber in the head. The two then open the coffin and place him inside.)
Mr Kidd: It appears that Mr Slumber was becoming rather heated, Mr Wint.
Mr Wint: Quite incandescent, Mr Kidd.
(He presses a button on the control panel and the coffin slides away towards the steel doors which are opening up. Mr Kidd takes his hand and they walk away.)
The Collector's Mind
2023. House Of Barbel. He is reading a book and grumbling loudly, making occasional discernible comments, as Bride Of Barbel enters.
Bride: Hi honey, what’s wrong?
Barbel: (Barely lifting his eyes from the book.) It’s this book I’m reading.
Bride: Oh yes, that new James Bond one.
Barbel: Well, sort of.
Bride: You don’t like it, then?
Barbel: No, I’m not enjoying it at all.
Bride: Is it one of those you were complaining about, where the publishers have censored and bowdlerised the original Ian Fleming text?
Barbel: (Puts book down.) No, I’d never buy one of those. I am totally with Roland Hume in his campaign against those. This is “Double Or Nothing”, by Kim Sherwood.
Bride: So what’s the problem, then?
Barbel: It’s clumsy. I’m still only a few chapters in and already I've lost count of the number of paraphrased Fleming passages which the author has blatantly shoehorned in, in an effort to suggest and then maintain continuity while less than subtly updating the situations and characters in a manner which some people may choose to call "woke" (Pauses for breath.) but without contradicting either film or novel continuity.
Bride: Right….
(He picks the book up again and reads some more.)
Barbel: Argh!!!
Bride: What is it, darling?
Barbel: Oh, crap- she hasn’t gone there!
Bride: Gone where?
Barbel: She’s… she’s…
Bride: Calm down, my love, here, drink some water.
Barbel: (Gulping down the proffered water.) I must have misread, I’ll read it again… No, it’s still there!
Bride: What’s still there???
Barbel: She’s… changed the name of one of the major characters.
Bride: Yes?
Barbel: We are talking about… Ms Moneypenny!
Bride: No!
Barbel: Yes! You know that I’ve been reading these books for …. Well, let’s just say a long, long time. Fleming, then Amis, Gardner, Benson, and all the rest. That character is called MISS Moneypenny!!!
Bride: Calm down, dear, remember your blood pressure.
Barbel: It’s the final straw!
Bride: So… you’re going to put it down and not finish it, then?
Barbel: Oh no, I’m going to continue and probably buy the next two she’s planning.
Glass of water for Mr. Barbel !!!
( In voice of Mr. Lucas of Grace Brothers department store)
Perhaps Barbel needs a bottle of vodka and a shot glass ala Tomorrow Never Dies.
😀 Never liked vodka, but thanks for the offer.
EON HQ
Interviews are being held for the role of James Bond. After a long wait a kilted man is called into the office.
MGW: Right…you’re Mr. Barbel…so what can you bring to the role?
Barbel: Well, I’m Shhcottishh and shhpeak like Shhean Connery.
BB: Let’s hear you order a Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred.
Barbel: I’m shhorry I don’t like vodka.
MGW/BB (both together) NEXT!!
😂😂7
I deserve that one!
2019. An artist’s studio, somewhere in London. He is preparing a canvas when Dame Judi Dench walks in.
Dame Judi: Hello, my agent told me I should come here.
Artist: Ah, Dame Judi, welcome. May I say it’s an honour to-
Dame Judi: Shove your honour, what have I to do?
Artist: Ah, well, if you’d just take off your coat and-
Dame Judi: (Taking coat off.) I hope you know that’s all I’ll be taking off!
Artist: Oh, of course, of course.
Dame Judi: I’m not Helen Mirren, you know.
Artist: But of course you’re not, Dame Judi.
Dame Judi: Strips off every chance she gets, that one.
Artist: If you’d just sit here, please.
Dame Judi: (Sitting.) Like this?
Artist: That’s good… no, a little bit more to the light… perfect!
(He begins to paint.)
Dame Judi: I hope this is important, I turned down a good play with Ian McKellen to be here, you know.
Artist: (Painting away briskly.) I’m sure it is, ma’am, now if you could please just sit a bit more still…
Dame Judi: And I was expecting Kenneth Branagh to call this morning- seems he may want me for some new film he’s directing.
Artist: Of course he will.
Dame Judi: Do I get to know what this is for?
Artist: (Concentrating as he paints.) Hmmm? Oh yes, I’m sure.
Dame Judi: Well?
Artist: What?
Dame Judi: (Getting impatient.) What is this for?
Artist: Oh, it’s for the new James Bond film. They would like to have a portrait of you hanging on the wall in MI6 while the characters are talking.
Dame Judi: (Smiling and posing happily.) Oh, James Bond! Why didn’t you say so?
(Some moments pass as the artist works away.)
Dame Judi: Just one thing, though.
Artist: Yes, Dame Judi?
Dame Judi: I really do have an appointment soon, what do you think you can do if I have to go before you’re finished?
Artist: Do what everybody else does when you’re not available- get Maggie Smith.
Dame Judi: Stop talking- paint more quickly!
1964. The Boothroyd household. Major Boothroyd comes home after a hard day’s work explaining his gadgets etc to James Bond.
Q: Hello, my love, I’m home.
Mrs Q: Hello, darling. (Kiss, kiss.) How was your day?
Q: Terrible! I didn’t enjoy it at all.
Mrs Q: That’s not like you, Geoffrey. Usually you have to be dragged away from your workshops and laboratories.
Q: Not when 007 is involved.
Mrs Q: Oh, that chap… what was his name, Pond? Fond?
Q: Bond. James Bond.
Mrs Q: That’s right. Was he annoying you?
Q: Yes he most surely was! There I was, trying to explain how a Homer works and all he can think about is if it will let him get a drink.
Mrs Q: And will it?
Q: It has not been perfected after years of patient research entirely for that purpose. And then there was the car.
Mrs Q: Oh yes, you told me about that- an Aston Martin, isn’t it?
Q: That’s right. We have been fitting it out with all sorts of self-defence and offence apparatus and he won’t take any of it seriously.
Mrs Q: Well, what have you put in it?
Q: Machine guns, oil slicks, a bullet-proof rear shield, tyre slashers, reinforced bumpers, revolving number plates (valid all countries, naturally), a cleverly hidden vast water tank to produce enough water force to knock attackers off their feet, and a passenger ejector seat.
Mrs Q: Ejector seat? You’re joking!
Q: Now where have I heard that before?
Mrs Q: And none of this was enough to make this Bond chap happy?
Q: No, he was still complaining.
Mrs Q: What does he want, an invisible car?
Q: Invisible car? That would be unbelievable!
1969. The Pleasence household. Donald is pacing up and down the floor in front of the telephone- at least, he’s doing his best to do that considering he’s on crutches with one leg in plaster.
Mrs Pleasence: Oh, sit down, Donald, you’re wearing out my nice new carpet.
Donald: That’s just it, I can’t sit down! I’ve tried and tried, but I keep having to get up to walk about again and that is no fun with my leg like this.
Mrs Pleasence: Just relax, and I’ll bring you a nice cup of tea.
Donald: Relax? I can’t relax!
Mrs Pleasence: You aren’t doing that leg any good, you know.
Donald: I know, but I can’t help it.
Mrs Pleasence: If only you hadn’t gone for those skiing lessons.
Donald: But I had to! I’ve seen the script for the new James Bond movie, and this time Blofeld is on top of a mountain in the Swiss Alps. When James Bond tries to get away from there, Blofeld goes skiing after him!
Mrs Pleasence: Yes, but-
Donald: I’ve never skied a day in my life, so I had to go get skiing lessons as fast as I could just in case they gave the part to somebody else.
Mrs Pleasence: But they might not have wanted you anyway.
Donald: That would be crazy, who else could they find who was prepared to wait sixteen hours in a make-up chair to get that ridiculous scar on?
Mrs Pleasence: Well, if they want you they will call you, so just sit down and-
Donald: If I don’t get to the phone quickly enough then they might get somebody else.
Mrs Pleasence: Look at it this way- if they don’t want you, then you won’t have to stroke that vicious cat again.
Donald: Oh God, you’re right- that thing tried to murder me!
Mrs Pleasence: You're going to sit down, then?
Donald: Yes, I suppose you’re right.
(He sits down.)
Mrs Pleasence: There, isn’t that better?
Donald: Yes, much better. Thank you, my love.
Mrs Pleasence: I’ll go and make some tea.
(She goes off to the kitchen.)
Donald: I might as well practice some lines while I’m sitting here. (Picks up script.) “I have taught you to love chickens. To love their flesh, their voice.” What the hell is this?
Mrs Pleasence: (From the kitchen.) What on Earth are you on about, Donald?
Donald: It’s just this script. It sounds really-
(The telephone rings. Donald springs up to his feet, realises he can’t, and promptly falls over with a crash. Mrs Pleasence comes rushing up to him.)
Mrs Pleasence: Donald! Oh, Donald!
Donald: I’m all right, just get the-
(The phone stops ringing.)
Donald: Never mind.
Meanwhile, in Eon HQ, cleverly disguised as a casino in Portugal.
Harry: No answer?
Cubby: Nope, no answer.
(He hangs up.)
Harry: Oh well, I suppose we better try that American fella, Terry something.
Cubby: (Already looking up the number.) Telly. Telly Savalas.
Pick a year. A line of smartly dressed people are standing in a theatre foyer. At the very end of the line stand two guys, let’s call them Bob and Vic. Their boss is introducing a very, very well-known lady to the individuals...
Vic: …and there he goes, flashing his charming smile as she compliments him- it’s as if he really did all the things you see on the screen!
Bob: Now, calm down, Vic, she knows better than that.
Vic: They’re laughing now. I bet she thinks he really jumped out of a helicopter without a parachute, landed on the Empire State Building, and skied all the way down.
Bob: Yes, Vic, we all know that was really you.
Vic: And it was you that leapt across the Grand Canyon, using only a handkerchief to keep you aloft, but he gets all the credit!
Bob: That’s true, but we knew all about that when we signed up for the job. We both did, it was perfectly clear.
Vic: And just look at that woman- see how beautiful she is?
Bob: Of course, she’s gorgeous.
Vic: We do all the hard stuff, abseiling down a cliff while avoiding machine gun fire, and then he gets to kiss her at the bottom!
Bob: Er, I don’t think he did that, Vic.
Vic: The bottom of the cliff, I mean.
Bob: All in the contract, Vic.
Vic: And you don’t see any of the Bonds calling for a double in the bed scenes.
Bob: Apart from with Teri Hatcher, of course.
Vic: Oh yes, I forgot about that.
Bob: And with Grace Jones.
Vic: Well, that was only sensible.
Bob: Ssh, here they come!
(Their boss appears, guiding that very, very well-known lady.)
Cubby or MGW: Your Majesty, may I present….
Well, dear readers, I have a small announcement to make.
I am pleased to tell you that in July this thread enters its fourth year. I know, I am as surprised as anyone is. To mark this, I am planning to be running a selection of favourite Imaginary Conversations through the month of July. Not just my own favourites, I have already received suggestions from others. If anyone has any particular favourites, please tell me the number of the Conversation concerned so I can reprint it.
I won't be coming up with new Conversations meantime because curating this takes up a surprising amount of time, but if anyone else wants to fill that gap please feel free.
So, we enter our fourth year. Many thanks to the members who contributed suggestions, and sometimes lists. I'd like to kick off with this one...
Let’s say… 2014. Four distinguished gentlemen dressed in white tuxedos are sitting together admiring a view.
Sean: Ahh.. very passable, this, very passable.
Roger: Nothing like a good glass of Bollinger.
Timothy: You're right there.
Pierce: Who'd have thought fifty years ago we'd all be sitting here drinking Bollinger?
Sean: In those days, we'd have been glad to have the price of a cup of tea.
Roger: A cup of cold tea.
Timothy: Without milk or sugar.
Pierce: Or tea!
Sean: In a filthy, cracked cup.
Roger: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up script.
Timothy: The best we could manage was to suck on one of Q’s old ties.
Pierce: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
Roger: Because we were poor! Old Cubby often used to say to me, 'Money doesn't buy you happiness.'
Sean: And he was right. I was happier then and we had nothing. We used to film in this tiny old set, with great big holes in the roof.
Roger: Set? You were lucky to have a set! We used to film in one room, all hundred and twenty-six of us, no props. John Barry playing a slide whistle. Half the floor was missing; we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling!
Pierce: You were lucky to have a room- we used to have to film in a corridor.
Timothy: Oh, we used to dream of filming in a corridor! That would have been a palace to us. We used to film in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by John Glen peeing all over us.
Pierce: Er, that was just on you, Timothy.
Timothy: Hmph.
Sean: Well, when I say 'set' it was only four sheets of newspaper that Ken Adam had coloured in with a felt-tip pen but it was a set to us.
Roger: We were evicted from our sheets of newspaper. We had to film in a puddle.
Timothy: You were lucky to have a puddle! There were a hundred and sixty of us filming in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.
Pierce: Cardboard box, was it?
Timothy: That’s right.
Pierce: You were lucky. We filmed for three months inside a brown paper bag inside a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean the brown paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, then go to film for fourteen hours a day week in week out. And when we got back, Martin Campbell would thrash us to sleep with his belt!
Roger: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the puddle at three o'clock in the morning, clean the puddle, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to film every day for tuppence a month, come back, and Lewis Gilbert would beat us around the head and neck with a model Walther PPK, if we were lucky!
Timothy: Of course we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and lick the road clean with our tongues. We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day filming for fourpence every six years, and when we got back, John Glen would slice us in two with a bread knife.
Sean: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, film twenty-nine hours a day, and pay Cubby for permission to come to work, and when we got back, Terence Young would kill us and dance about on our graves singing 'Hallelujah.'
Roger: But you try and tell young Daniel that today... and he won't believe you!
All: No, no. That’s right….
Thanks to Number 24 for his help with the following. This was the most requested.
1999.
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Monday: So exciting x! The first day of shooting for my new film "The World Isn't Good Enough", which is a James Bond movie. I like James Bond, and his butler Alfred.
The director, Mr Apted, is very nice and spent a lot of time helping me to say the word "physicist". It's all great fun x!
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Monday: Today saw the arrival of our other leading lady, Denise. She was due on set at 9am, but spent till 11.30am in make-up. When she emerged, she was wearing a bikini and I had to convince her that, yes, it was really hot but it would be much more appropriate if she wore something else. After much persuasion she agreed to a T-shirt and shorts and then it was time for lunch.
After lunch it took 47 takes for her to get the word “physicist” correct. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow.
------------------------------------------
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Tuesday: Today I was working with James Bond himself, Pierce Bronson! He was very nice and charming. I told him how much my mother liked him in "The Saint" and "The Persuaders" and he gave me a lovely smile.
I think he did very well taking over from Sean Connery x!
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Tuesday: We’re continuing the scene from yesterday, but Denise wanted a change of costume and turned up in a different outfit. I had to tell her that yes, the audience would notice if she was suddenly wearing something else in the middle of a scene.
I don’t know what she said to Pierce, but he’s been walking about with a fixed grin avoiding her as much as he can.
----------------------------------------------------
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Wednesday: Today I met Queen Judi Dench. She is very small and very old. I told her that I had been things and seen places, and she said she could believe it. Mr Apted was much more nicerer to her than he was to me even though I am much better looking! I asked him why, and he said it was something called "respect". I must look that up x!
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Wednesday: Dame Judi had a scene today, and I was hoping that Denise might learn something from her but she spent most of her time on her phone with someone called “Charlie”. I did manage to teach her a new word later, though.
------------------------------------------------------
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Thursday: Today I found out that I am called "Christmas" in this movie! That seems very strange! We've been out in the desert, there isn't a sign of snow anywhere! And I am a doctor too! I wonder what I will learn tomorrow x?
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Thursday: Only had to film Pierce and Judi today, so told Denise to sit in her caravan reading the script. I had to persuade her that yes, this would be a good idea.
---------------------------------------------------
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Friday: Today we are filming in a big tank full of water. I had picked out a lovely blue dress, with chiffon edging, and a floral design on the front, but Mr Apted said I was to wear a white T-shirt. I didn't see why, my dress was so much more beautifuler, but Mr Apted said it was important for the scene. I must ask Charlie about that when I get back x.
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Friday: We were shooting in the water tank today, and again I had to explain to Denise that her wardrobe choices were not ideal. Finally she agreed to the white T-shirt Michael had suggested and the reasons for her casting became a lot more clear. Inexplicably, there were a lot more crew on set for this scene than usual.
------------------------------------------
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Monday: Today I have to do a big scene with everybody- Peers Bronson, Queen Judi, and Sophie Marceau. Sophie is behaving like she is the leading lady of this film! She gets most of the lines! I try to stand where I’ll be seen but Mr Apted keeps moving me. Every time she talks to Pierse or Queen Judi I move forward but he keeps making me stand in the back.
I asked Queen Judi why Sophie is behaving like she is the leading lady and the villain of the film all rolled up into one, but she only asked me how I was getting on with my script reading. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Monday: The scene with Bond and M and Elektra in the control room. There’s a lot of exposition here, so obviously I kept Denise well in the background. For some reason she keeps standing in front of Judi or Sophie and I have to keep telling her to move back. Eventually I had to let her say something so I gave her two lines and crossed my fingers.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Tuesday: Pierz and I have to pretend we are in a tunnel. There are lots of pretty sparkly lights and I have to say stuff like “tactical fission device” and “half the plutonium’s missing”. Peirs and Mr Apted were so wonderful, helping me get it right. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Tuesday: Oh dear God, I thought this day would never end. Denise kept saying things like “fissing tacking device” and “half the platinum’s missing”. Pierce’s teeth must have been ground to powder by the time we reached take 47.
----------------------------------------------------
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Wednesday: Nice scene today! James Bond and me have to pretend that we have been blown up! I enjoy working with Piers. I told him I didn’t see how he found the time, what with his morning show on the TV. I just love his beautiful smile. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Wednesday: Pierce is doing that fixed grin again, I wish I knew what she says to him.
--------------------------------------------------
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Thursday: Mr Broccoli and Miss Wilson came down to the set today. I said hello, but they kept talking with Mr Apted. They did look over at me once or twice though. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Thursday: Barbara and Michael are adamant, we have to use Denise no matter how much I begged. Pierce came over and joined in the begging, but they won’t budge. Apparently the US distributors insist on one American name in the main cast.
Extra bits-
From the diary of Denise Richards
Today we were filming in the submarine set. I had lines with lots of sciency stuff and I needed many takes. Peerce is such a gentleman! He made large posters with my lines written on them with lots of big letters, lines under hard words and these letters: !!!!!!
It was so helpful. I only needed a dozen or perhaps twelve takes when he was holding up the posters.
I had a discussion with the director about my costume. I think a Bond girl should wear a glamorous dress, but Mr Apted said I had to wear a white T-shirt in the flooding set because it was vital to the plot. I wasn't sure, but I called Charlie in the US and he said the T-shirt was a great idea! He was very enthusiastic about it.
After lunch I had to do a scene of me almost drowning in the sub. Again Pearz was super supportive! Even though he wasn't in the scene he was standing behind the camera smiling sweetly to me all the time!
----------------------------------------------
Friday: My last scene today. Quite an easy one, I just had to kiss Pears. He said something about eating turkey for Christmas and I was to smile as if I understood. It didn’t take too many retakes to get it right. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Friday: May the Lord be thanked.
WTF ????
PMs sent.
I have to protest! I wrote an unspecified part of that story with Barbel. The concepts of the story is my intellectual property! I demand to try to post different versions of the same story for decades, co-produce it when it is turned into a short movie and to be in charge of the casting of the female leads. Even if I get this I will continue ... I mean start being a pain in the backside to Barbel because of all this and bring him to an early grave. It's only fair.
McClory 24.
Good thing I thanked you in the very first line - I'd hate to see what you'd be like if I hadn't!
Anyway, I'll give you a share of all the money that comes in for that story. Deal?
1971. Pinewood Studios. Set of “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Bond: Well, it'sh hardly worth the effort. After all, I wouldn't know which one of you to kill.
Blofeld 1: We appreciate your predicament, Mr Bond.
Blofeld 2: We deeply sympathise.
Guy Hamilton: And cut! Everyone take five.
(The two cats are taken to their area on the side of the set.)
Tiddles: So, your first James Bond film then?
Snowy: Yes, it is- you’ve obviously done them before?
Tiddles: Oh yes. In my first one I had to sit in some guy’s lap and was fed a Siamese Fighting Fish.
Snowy: Really? That sounds good, I’ve never had one of those.
Tiddles: Then a couple of years later I just had to sit on the same guy’s lap and be stroked.
Snowy: Sounds good, too.
Tiddles: But the one after that was awful! They kept exploding things and firing guns. I was really scared! This little guy with a scar was holding me tight and I just wanted to get away.
Snowy: And did you?
Tiddles: Oh, yes, eventually. I bet I scratched him bad- I just ran off and hid, it took them two weeks to coax me back out again.
Snowy: Did that put you off being in another one?
Tiddles: Definitely, but they got me back anyway and promised they’d be really nice to me this time. It was a different guy stroking me.
Snowy: Ah, that would be better.
Tiddles: Well, apart from the time he got a phone message “Der Englander ist verschwunden”.
Snowy: “Der Englander ist verschwunden”? What does that mean?
Tiddles: I don’t know, I don’t speak French. I suppose it means “Throw the cat to the floor” because that’s what he did!
Snowy: Terrible.
Tiddles: Well, at least nothing like that’s going to happen this time, I hope. They’ve all been really nice this time.
Snowy: I like the guy in the tuxedo who talksh like thish.
Tiddles: Yes, I’ve met him before. Then he was replaced with another fella, but he seems to be back now.
Guy: Everyone back on set, positions please! Only one of the cats this time.
Tiddles: Do you want to do it or shall I?
Snowy: Let me do it, I don’t think it’ll be much to worry about.
Tiddles: No worries, catch you later.
Guy: Ok, someone put the cat on the couch…. Ready, Sean? Action!!!
Snowy: Meooooow!!!!!
(No cats were harmed in the making of this conversation.)
I was planning to make this petty grudge my whole life from now on like uncle Kevin did, but how can I say no to such a generous offer?
I am glad the cats were not hurt
Me too, cos Tiddles appears again later!
Written by my very good friend @CoolHandBond
1982. Cubby, Richard Maibaum, MGW and John Glen are discussing the next Bond movie.
Glen: The general view of Bond fans is that FYEO is a great entry in the series, getting Bond back on a more serious level, many think it’s the best Roger film so far, I’m really happy with it!
Cubby: Maybe so, but it made a lot less profit than MR so we need to get back to some good old comedy.
MGW: We need to play to Roger’s strengths as an actor, he hates all that macho stuff like kicking cars off a cliff, he’s much better clowning around.
Maibaum: Ok, I will get him dressed up as a clown in a circus!
Glen: But....
Cubby: Brilliant idea, Richard.
MGW: How about getting Bond swing through trees on a vine doing the Tarzan yell?
Glen: But...
Cubby: Great idea, write it in, Richard.
Maibaum: Who’s popular on TV at the moment?
MGW: That Barbara woman, who trains dogs
Glen: But no one outside of the UK knows her!
Cubby: Oh we all watch that, John, maybe try and get something out of that, Richard, I’m sure we can think of something.
Glen: (Exasperated.) We may as well dress him up in a gorilla suit as well!
Cubby: Now you’re talking! Write that in, Richard.
Glen: (Stands up to leave, in a huff.) Oh, for goodness sake!
Cubby, Maibaum and MGW, altogether: SIT!!!!!
1964. Moe's Tavern, Springfield. The telephone rings.
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Voice: Is a Ms Galore there?
Moe: Who?
Voice: Galore. First name Pussy.
Moe: I dunno, I'll see. Hey guys, I'm looking for Pussy! Pussy Galore!
(Homer, Barney and company begin to laugh.)
Moe: I want Pussy Galore!
(The laughter gets louder as Moe realizes.)
Moe: Listen you rat fink creep, when I get holda you I'm gonna…
(In a home not far away, two children laugh uproariously as they put the phone down.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
1971. Moe's Tavern, Springfield. The telephone rings.
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Voice: Is a Ms O'Toole there?
Moe: Who?
Voice: O'Toole. First name Plenty.
Moe: I dunno, I'll see. Hey guys, I'm looking for O'Toole! Plenty O'Toole!
(Homer, Barney and company begin to laugh.)
Moe: I want Plenty O'Toole!
(The laughter gets louder as Moe realizes.)
Moe: Listen you lousy bum, when I get holda you I'm gonna slice your heart out! I’m gonna…
(In a home not far away, two children laugh uproariously as they put the phone down.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1979. Moe's Tavern, Springfield. The telephone rings.
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Voice: Is a Ms Goodhead there?
Moe: Who?
Voice: Goodhead. First name Holly.
Moe: I dunno, I'll see. Hey guys, I'm looking for Goodhead! Holly Goodhead!
(Homer, Barney and company begin to laugh.)
Moe: I want Goodhead!
(The laughter gets louder as Moe realizes.)
Moe: Listen you bullshit merchant, when I get holda you I'm gonna….
(In a home not far away, two children laugh uproariously as they put the phone down.)
(This was originally three separate posts, here run together.)
1953. Goldeneye, Jamaica. Ian Fleming sits at his typewriter.
Fleming: (Typing.) "The smell and scent and sound of a gaming house are sickening at four in the morning".
(He puffs unhappily at his cigarette (specially made for him by Morlands of Grosvenor Street using a Balkan and Turkish mixture, with three gold bands on the filter.) in its holder, and shakes his head.)
Fleming: (Typing.) “The aroma and smog and perspiration of a gaming house are vomit-inducing at two forty-five in the morning.”
(He shakes his head, crunches up the paper and inserts more into his typewriter. Anne opens the door.)
Anne: I’ve brought you a cup of coffee, Ian. (Hands him a cup.)
Fleming: Wonderful, darling, thank you.
(She leaves. He begins typing again.)
Fleming: (Typing.) “The fragrance and fumes and sweat of a gambling club are revolting at three in the morning. “ Hmmm, getting there…
(Anne opens the door again.)
Anne: Would you like another coffee, Ian?
Fleming: How about a drink this time?
Anne: I’ll bring you one.
(Anne exits. Fleming puffs his cigarette, staring moodily at his typewriter, before she returns.)
Anne: Here, Ian, a double Scotch.
Fleming: That’s more like it! Thank you, darling.
(Anne leaves again. He sips his drink then crunches up the paper and starts again.)
Fleming: (Typing.) “The perfume and smoke and sweat of a casino are stomach-turning at three in the morning.” Still not right…
(He stares moodily at the paper while sipping the whisky. Time passes, then Anne opens the door again.)
Anne: How is it coming along, darling?
Fleming: I’m almost there, but still can’t quite get it right.
Anne: (A woman who knows her man.) Perhaps one more drink?
Fleming: But of course.
Anne: I think I know the very thing.
(She departs, then returns after a few moments.)
Anne: Here we are. Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shaken very well until it's ice-cold, then a large thin slice of lemon peel.
Fleming: Perfect!
(Anne leaves. Fleming sips his drink. He nods happily, drinks some more then returns to his typewriter.)
Fleming: (Typing.) “The scent and smoke and sweat of a casino are nauseating at three in the morning. Then the soul-erosion produced by high gambling -a compost of greed and fear and nervous tension- becomes unbearable and the senses awake and revolt from it.”
(Inspired, he continues to type….)
Some weeks later….
Fleming: (Typing.) "The girl has passed away".
(He puffs unhappily at his cigarette (still specially made for him by Morlands of Grosvenor Street using a Balkan and Turkish mixture, with three gold bands on the filter.) in its holder, and shakes his head.)
Fleming: (Typing.) “The female has snuffed it.”
(He shakes his head, crunches up the paper and inserts more into his typewriter. Anne opens the door.)
Anne: I’ve brought you a cup of coffee, Ian. (Hands him a cup.)
Fleming: Wonderful, darling, thank you.
Anne: I’m still trying to get our new dog to eat. She won’t touch a thing.
Fleming: Ah, ok.
(She leaves. He begins typing again.)
Fleming: (Typing.) “Bereft of life, she rests in peace.” Hmmm...
(Anne opens the door again.)
Anne: Would you like another coffee, Ian?
Fleming: How about a drink this time?
Anne: I’ll bring you one. The dog still won’t eat, I’m hoping she’s ok.
Fleming: Yes, me too.
(Anne exits. Fleming puffs his cigarette, staring moodily at his typewriter, before she returns.)
Anne: Here, Ian, a double Scotch.
Fleming: That’s more like it! Thank you, darling.
Anne: I’ll go back to the dog. She’s showing signs of getting hungry.
(Anne leaves again. He sips his drink then crunches up the paper and starts again.)
Fleming: (Typing.) “She is no more. She has ceased to be. She has expired and gone to meet her maker.” Still not right…
(He stares moodily at the paper while sipping the whisky. Time passes, then Anne opens the door again.)
Anne: How it it coming along, darling?
Fleming: I’m almost there, but still can’t quite get it right.
Anne: (A woman who knows her man.) Perhaps one more drink?
Fleming: But of course.
Anne: I think I know the very thing.
(She departs, then returns after a few moments.)
Anne: Here we are. Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shaken very well until it's ice-cold, then a large thin slice of lemon peel.
Fleming: Perfect!
Anne: By the way, I have succeeded with the dog. The bitch is fed now.
(A lightbulb appears above Fleming’s head.)
Fleming: Thank you, darling! Thank you very much!
(Happily he returns to his typing.)
Written by CoolHandBond
1982 2 strangers at a bar in a 5-star hotel.
Man 1: ...I was having a drink and then this odd thing happened...a Lotus car emerged from the sea and drove up onto the beach right past me.
Man 2: Really?
Man 1: Yep, honestly...then 2 years later I was sitting having a drink in St Mark’s Square, Venice and a gondola comes sailing right past me!
Man 2: A gondola? Are you sure you hadn’t had one or two drinks more than usual?
Man 1: No, I’m telling you, this gondola sailed right past, damndest thing I ever saw, even a pigeon looked twice!
Man 2: Must have been extraordinary.
Man 1: Then, only last year, I was sitting at a table having a drink at a ski resort and these skiers come flying through the air and ski right along my table, I tell you, unbelievable things happen to me.
Man 2: Yes, they do, heaven knows what will happen next?
Man 1: (Shaking his head and offering his hand.) By the way, my name’s Victor Tourjansky...
Man 2: (Takes his hand.) Bond...James Bond. (Smiles and raises right eyebrow.)
Thank you for adding those pics, Barbel, you’ve improved the sketch no end 🥃🥃
My pleasure, CHB. Part of the fun in reprinting earlier Imaginary Conversations is making improvements to them- some small, some less so.
2012. M’s office. She sits in front of her laptop.
M: Now, where’s the “Record” function….? Ah, here. (Coughs.) Right. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to-
(Phone rings.)
M: Damn. Hello? … Yes, all right, just give me five minutes.
(Hangs up.)
M: Oh bloody hell, I’ve recorded that. Now, where’s the “Delete” button….? Ah, got it. (Presses button.) Right, now let’s start again. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to to do something. Find a man called Marco Sci- Scia… Damn. (Presses button.) All right, this time. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to do something. Find a man-
(There is a knock on the door. Tanner enters.)
Tanner: Excuse me, ma’am.
M: Dammit, Tanner, what is it?
Tanner: Sorry, but you need to sign these papers immediately.
M: All right. (Signs papers.) Is that all?
Tanner: Yes, ma’am, thank you.
(Tanner exits.)
M: Right, this time. Oh, I’ve recorded that again. Where’s “Delete”?….Ah, here. Now…. (Presses button.) 007, if anything happens to me for some reason, I need you to do something. Find a man called Marco Sciarra. Kill him... and don't miss the funeral. (Presses button.) There, that should do it. Oh damn, I’ve pressed “Delete” again! Right, one more try...
2005. On set of a film starring Pierce Brosnan.
Director: Ok, cut. Take five, everyone.
(An assistant runs up to Pierce.)
Assistant: Phone call for you, Mr Brosnan.
(Hands Pierce a phone.)
Pierce: Thank you. Hello…. Yes, it’s me… Ah hello Barbara and Michael, how are you?… Yes, I’m fine thanks… Oh? What do you want to tell me?…. What?…. But you… Hang on, this isn’t April 1st is it? You’re just up to some sort of… I see, you’re not joking… You really, really don’t want me to… Really, truly… It’s not me, it’s you… You’re just trying to find yourselves… You’re going through a lot right now… You need space… You want more excitement… Best thing for both of us... What? You’ve found someone else… It’s not that Hugh Jackman, is it? Because you said… Not him… I know, it’s Clive Owen isn’t it? I bet it’s… Well, who is it then? I’ll find out anyway so you may as well tell me now… WHO??? HIM??? You have got to be f***ng kidding me!!!… Right… Yes, I’m sure we will see each other around… Yes, of course, we can still be friends.
(Throws phone into the nearest bin.)
Assistant: Is everything all right, Mr Brosnan?
Pierce: No, everything is sodding well not all right!
Assistant: ...er..
Director: Back on set, everyone, please… Ok, action!
(Pierce stands frozen.)
Director: Pierce?
Pierce: ….bastards…
Director: No, that’s not the line. Right, Take 2 and...action!
Pierce: ….”times have changed”… “find a younger man”…
Director: Er, Pierce?
Pierce: ...f***ing James f***ing Bond…
Director: Pierce?
Pierce: I’ll give them shaken not bloody stirred…
Director: Ok, cut. I think we’ll just have to start again tomorrow.
Pierce: What did you say?
Director: Try another day.
Pierce: Argh!
This was written by @Thunderpussy
1969. M’s office.
Miss Moneypenny: (On intercom.) Q here to see you, sir.
M: Send him in.
(Q enters.)
M: Any sign of 007, Q?
Q: Still nothing sir, but one odd thing from our American friends.
M: Oh?
Q: Captured items from the volcano fortress of one Ernst Stavro Blofeld, or what's left of it.
M: Might give us a clue as to where he's gone to ground. Go on, read the list.
Q: One state of the art video recorder-
M: What on earth is a video recorder?!
Q : It's an electronic device to record television or film feeds on a magnetic tape.
M: Amazing....
(He reaches across for some tobacco and begins filling his pipe.)
Q: Plans for a bacteriological holding and cooling system-
M: A what!!!!
Q: A fridge-like unit to keep bacteria at a dormant temperature.......
M: Fascinating!!
Q: ....and one Deluxe Loving Lucy Bad Girl love doll, whatever the hell that is?
M: If it's the Deluxe model, it will have life-like hair and movable joints.....