You know, I never thought that was as bad as it was made out to be. Hardly great cinema, but not the worst film ever. Still, Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty were never natural funny men unless aided by a really good script (eg The Graduate, Tootsie. )
(Cinders enters in her beautiful gown, accompanied by her Fairy Spymother. An opulent space, filled with glittery light and revellers enjoying themselves. Clearly, the party is in full swing.)
Fairy Spymother: What do you think, my dear?
Cinderella: Why, it's amazing! It’s exactly how I dreamed it would be! (The band play “Good Evening Eontown”. The Scottish bass player looks very happy- possibly slightly drunk. After a couple of songs he leaves the stage.)
Prince Daniel: This song sounds a little lacklustre, eh Higgy?
Higgy: Your Highness, I think it’s because the bass player has wandered off. (The two men spot the bass player heading for a spiral staircase leading up towards the upper tier of the ballroom. We’re not sure how many tiers there are, Boris Johnson keeps changing his mind.)
Prince Daniel: Bless him, I imagine he’s having a senior moment.
Higgy: No, I think he’s having a Macallan Moment… ah look there he is. (The bass player appears in a box high above the proceedings, and sits down next to another AJB senior.)
Barbel: There you are, old boy!
C&D: Charmed, I’m sure!
Prince Daniel: (Looking up at them from below.) They look like a couple of muppets.
Higgy: Statler and Waldorf spring to mind….
(Across the dancefloor, Prince Daniel catches sight of Cinderella. Overcome by shock, he stands rooted to the spot, oblivious to all else taking place while Higgy rambles on.)
Higgy: Yes, well of course, it’s a debatable point of contention as to whether Adidas’ new range of trainers are truly green or simply a very light shade of blue or perhaps ultramarine. Although a genuinely skilled and discerning expert on the subject of green trainers, such as myself, can always tell the difference between them…are you even listening to me?
Prince Daniel: Who’s that?
Higgy: Who do you mean? (Prince Daniel indicates Cinderella.)
Prince Daniel: That girl…I haven’t seen her around here before…
Higgy: Never mind that. As I was saying, the study of green trainers is among the most exacting scientific disciplines in the world. It requires real discipline-
Prince Daniel: (Urgently.) Wait a minute! I have to know who she is…
Higgy: And I have to know how to get my hands on the new Nike range! Apparently that particular shade of green is very rare… (Prince Daniel, meanwhile, is transfixed by Cinderella.)
Prince Daniel: She’s amazing…
Higgy: Yeah, but so is the new Extra Green brand of trainers…
Barbel: Look! Who’s that?
C&D: Let’s have a closer look... (Far below, they can see a man dressed like a Viking clutching a woodsman’s axe in one hand, and thumbing through a centrefold with the other. He appears to be talking to himself.)
Barbel: Can you hear what he’s saying? My ears are shot from all those years of playing the bass too loud.
C&D: It sounds like he’s saying….. “Jennifer Connolly…. Margot Robbie…. Eliza Gonzales…”
Barbel: Ah, that must be Number24.
C&D: Do you think he’s in the right panto?
Barbel: No… I think he’s wandered in from ‘Babes in the Nude... er, Wood'! (Both of them start guffawing like a couple of loons.)
Spy: Shall we meet some of the other guests?
Cinderella: Sounds like a good idea… (A man sits staring deep in concentration at a calendar, frantically ticking off dates with a red marker pen.)
Cinderella: Who’s this?
Man: November 2021…April 2022…November 2022…no, no, no….it doesn’t work! (He starts tearing his hair out and sobbing.)
Spy: Eon’s head of scheduling for “No Time to Die”… a troubled man.
(A group of tall, dark, handsome men wait outside dressed in tuxedoes.)
Cinderella: Who are this lot, then?
Man: I’m the new James Bond. (One of his compatriots angrily shouts.)
Man: No, I am!
Man: No, it’s me!
Doorman: I’m sure you are… stand in an orderly queue, gentlemen. Tickets ready, please. Cavill, Elba, Turner… hang on! These invitations are fake! (A scuffle breaks out among the massed imposters; elsewhere, two tall, greying men talk.)
Pierce: Ah, it's great to be seen as the natural replacement for old Sir Sean.
Tim: Oh. no you're not!
Pierce: Oh yes I am!
Tim: Oh no you're not! I am surely the natural successor to Sean- don't you remember the old rhyme? England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales. Wales comes after Scotland!
Pierce: You're just being silly now, Tim. Many critics said at the time that I was simply the best since Sean.
Tim: Now hang on, the critics said I was the best since Sean too- and as I was before you came along, I win!
Pierce: Nonsense, many have spoken of how I (Refers to a review he pulls from his pocket.) “blended the cruelty of Connery with the light comedic flair of Moore”.
Tim: I was cruel- just look at my great performance in “Licence to Kill”. (Overhearing this, Higgy’s eyes grow moist.)
Pierce: Yes, but not too many jokes in that one Tim. Too many years on the boards in tights, that's your problem.
Tim: Every great actor has worn tights and slapped his thigh on occasion.
Pierce: I never did.
Tim: As I said, every great actor.
Pierce: Oh you bitch!
Tim: How's my comic timing now, eh, Pierce?
Pierce: Look Tim, can we at least agree, that we of the Celtic nations, Sean from Scotland, I from Ireland and you from Wales- all have made the best Bonds
Tim: All that you say could be true.
Voice: (Joining in from behind.) What about the Antipodean?
Pierce: The what? (A third tall, greying man joins them.)
George: The Australian- the true successor to Sean. I went to Sean's tailor, had a Rolex and even had my hair cut in the style of Sean.
Tim: Yes we all know the story and we all have Rolexes.
Pierce: Actually, I've an Omega.
Tim: Has to have the last word.
George: Bet this never happened to the other fellas….
(We see Higgy approach the Fairy Spymother. This doesn’t go unnoticed by the two old codgers sitting in their box, high above the proceedings.)
Barbel: Look, C&D. That looks like a Fairy Spymother.
C&D: How can you tell she’s a spymother?
Barbel: Her wings are shaped like a jetpack.
C&D: Hold on a second… is that Higgy who’s just sidled up to have a chat?
Barbel: Difficult to mistake him with those trainers on. (The Fairy Spymother and Higgy start engaging in a conversation. Pretty soon, Higgy points at his feet. With a wave of her wand, Higgy’s trainers turn blue, like Prince Daniel’s Adidas Gazelles. At that, the two old codgers see Higgy burst a balloon from the dancefloor with one hand while simultaneously bursting into tears, much like his hero in ‘The Living Daylights’. At that, Spy takes pity and turns Higgy’s trainers back into a lurid green again.)
Barbel: Do you think he’s in the right panto?
C&D: No… looks more like ‘Beauty & The Beast’ from up here! (They start guffawing like a couple of fools.)
(A man sits alone in the corner, sobbing.)
Cinders: Who's that?
Spy: That's the editor of "Quantum of Solace"- just leave him there, alone with his sorrows.
(TB2 and TP burst in, looking around in desperation.)
TB2: Now we’ve got here…
TP: ...all we have to do is find it! (They are approached by a waiter, a dark-haired young man in a white shirt and black bow tie.)
Waiter: (Waving his hand in the air.) Good evening, Mr Bond fans, may I help you? A drink, perhaps?
TB2: No thank you, I’m trying to find my A.R.S.E.
Waiter: (Raises eyebrow.) If you insist, sir.
(Meanwhile, on the dance floor…)
Prince Daniel: Would you like to dance?
Cinderella: What should I say to an invitation from a strange gentleman?
Prince Daniel: You should say “Yes”, miss…?
Cinderella: Cinderella. (Back at the bar…)
TB2: Could you help us a moment?
Tim: Yes?
TP: I’m having trouble finding my A.R.S.E.
Pierce: Is it perfectly formed?
TB2: You could say that…
George: What’s the problem here?
TP: I can’t find my A.R.S.E.
Audience: (Shouts.) It’s behind you!
(On the dancefloor, Prince Daniel and Cinderella have been dancing for hours.)
Prince Daniel: I’m hot! I think it’s time for a drink.
Cinderella: Oh no, it’s not.
Prince Daniel: Oh yes it is. Time for a vodka martini, shaken ……
Cinderella: (Panicking.) Time? Time? What time is it?
Prince: Like I said, time for a vodka mar…(He is interrupted by the sound of the clock striking midnight.)
Cinderella: Ohhhh! I must go.
Prince: This is no time to fly.
Cinderella: I have to! (She runs down the palace steps.)
Prince: Oh no you…..oh wait, she’s gone! (He stands there looking all forlorn, about to cry. His friend Higgy, who hates to see a prince cry, rushes over.)
Prince: She’s gone, I don’t even know her name. How will I ever find her again? (Tears start to well.)
(Above, in the box.)
Barbel: Look! (He points a newcomer to the ball out to C&D.) Isn’t that the well-known 1960s character actor Sir James Robertson-Justice?
C&D: Easy mistake to make, but I think that’s Thunderpu…
Fairy Spymother: (Calling up to the balcony.) Oy!
Barbel: Careful old boy, you don’t want her to change you into one of Cinderella’s mice… (Higgy spots TP and they start talking heatedly. All of a sudden, Higgy treads on one of TP’s toes with his lurid trainers. TP lets out a howl and limps off.)
C&D: Looks like, ahem, TP is limping – he’ll need to go to a chemist to sort that toe out.
Barbel: Do you think he’s in the right panto?
C&D: I’m pretty sure he’ll need to be a ‘Thunderpuss in Boots’ at this rate! (Fairy Spymother leans back to shout up to the balcony again as both Barbel and C&D start guffawing like a couple of loons…)
(TP limps out into the coachpark to join TB2.)
TP: Well, that was pointless.
TB2: (Sadly.) I suppose you’re right. We’ll never find our A.R.S.E anywhere. (The A.R.S.E sits in the coachpark surrounded by eight cats.)
TP: No, wait...there it is!
TB2: Hooray! We’re saved! But where did all these puss-
Spy: Hoy!
TB2: Er, kitties come from?
Scene 7 Outside the Inn, two figures emerge from the mist. TB2 is carrying TP who's holding his A.R.S.E with both hands….
TB2: Thank goodness we're back, I'm getting tired carrying you and your big A.R.S.E.
TP: How dare you, my arse is not big, it's perfect apart from the crack in it. You're the one who said you were an Uber.
TB2: I said I was a YouTuber, a fan of YouTube!!
(TB2 stumbles on a cobble.)
TB2: Here comes a regular, ask him to open the door my hands are full.
TP: As are mine. Excuse me good sir, could you reach the knob?
Mr Snow: No, I've heard all about you and your odd ways.
TB2: The door knob, to let us in! (All three enter the Inn, to the sound of voices singing the “12 Days of Christmas”.)
All: FIVE, Gold-Fingers
Chriscoop: Four, Aston Martin cars
TheRedKind: Three, Lotus subs
Sir Hilary Bray: Two, shiny bezants
All: And one, legendary Sean Connery!
Golrush007: As choirmaster, I have to say that was ......... bloody awful! Especially you, Gymkata- egads, I cringe at your singing voice. You do know that over at MI6 they're flat-out practicing and they only lost out last year to the Star Wars Forum.
HowardB: We're doing our best, Golrush, the singing is hard but that dance routine you've got us doing is almost impossible. To expect walther p99 to do the splits is just asking too much.
emtiem: Also, is dressing up in lederhosen and doing a drum solo by slapping each other really in the spirit of Christmas?
hehadlotsofguts: Forget that crap, TP and TB2 are back. (They turn to see what's occurring.)
Napoleon Plural: Looks like you've found it.
TP: Yes, it's back home (He places it back on its place on the bar.)
Gymkata: It brings a tear to my eye to once again look upon your A.R.S.E.
Loeffelholz: Indeed, I was feeling quite "Jaded" about it.
James Suzuki: I'm so happy, someone give me a bottle, let me be the first to open one.
Walther99: This is inspiring, I'm gonna try the splits right now!!!!!! (A short tearing sound and a brief scream later...)
Lady Rose: I'll call the ambulance for him.
TP: Good idea.
Lady Rose: Where was it, boys?
TB2: It was just there in the Royal coachpark,
0073: That was staggering.
TB2: No, it was just sitting there. In fact TP tripped over it, he was more interested in the goings on in one coach with a group of men standing around it.
zaphod99: What was going on there?
TB2: Some sort of puppetry, I think, as TP said something about hand action…?
TP: Never mind hands, the Prince seems to have developed a foot fetish.
SpectreOfDefeat: Foot fetish?
TP: He's now going door to door checking people's feet!
TB2: Only the girls, TP.
TP: Sexist!
TB2: With a green trainer, no less.
TP: Tasteless! Now, to celebrate a drink all round. Please TB2 open a bottle and six, seven, eight straws all round.
TB2: Champagne?
TP: No, a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale will do! Now, let’s break out the cards.
SpectreOfDefeat: Oh please, not “Happy Families” again.
TP: No, we’ll use the ones with “007” on the back, like Solitaire used to have. I want to see if Number24 gets The Fool again.
N24: That’s only because you bought a pack of cards that was all The Fool.
TP: N24, N24, would I do I thing like that to you?
N24: Yes you bloody well would!
Scene 8- The Palace.
Prince: (Downhearted.) It’s like the sky has fallen on me. I can’t find any comfort.
Higgy: Not even a small amount of comfort? A quantum of sol-
Prince: Don’t start! I hate to lose- I’m a worse loser than Donald Trump.
Higgy: I'll concede that.
Prince: Pity he didn't!
Higgy: (Assuredly.) Don’t worry. We’ll find her.
Prince: (Sniffs) Oh no we won’t.
Higgy: Oh yes we will.
Prince: How? (A tear falls.)
Higgy: You’re going to have to trust me on this.
Prince: Oh no I don’t.
Higgy: Oh yes you do. I’ll think of something. (Looks wildly around.) Look! What’s that on the steps?
Prince: It looks like a shoe. (They both make their way down the steps.)
Higgy: It’s a trainer!
Prince: Oh no it isn’t.
Higgy: Oh yes it is, I’m an expert in that area. (He picks it up excitedly.) A nice green one!
Prince: Oh no it isn’t. (He grabs the shoe and looks at it closely under the chandelier.) Wait, oh yes it is.
Higgy: (Grabbing it back.) Well, it’s certainly not one of yours, it doesn’t have lifts in it. The best green trainer I’ve ever seen. Perfect for running in.
Prince: Well, everybody needs a hobby.
Higgy: Oh no they don’t.
Prince: Oh yes they do.
Higgy: So, what’s yours?
Prince: Finding the girl whose foot fits this shoe!
Higgy: What about the rest of her?
Prince: I can keep that as a bonus. Any ideas?
Higgy: Search every house in the land and try the trainer. (Sighs.) The green trainer on the foot of every girl.
Prince: (No longer looking misty eyed.) You know, you're cleverer than you look.
Higgy: The very words I live by.
Prince: Oh no they’re not.
Higgy: Oh yes they are.
Prince: (Impatiently.) We’re wasting time. Are you sure that crazy watch of yours is accurate?
Higgy: German watches are never wrong!
Prince: We’ll take the Aston Martin. And you will try the trainer on all the girls.
Higgy: Oh no I-
Prince: Oh yes you will. Rule number one: never do anything yourself, when someone else can do it for you. Oh, and take that cello! Also I've had a few optional extras fitted. (They enter the Aston Martin, Higgy has to move some small plastic tees from his seat.)
Higgy: What are these for?
Prince: You rest your balls on them before driving off.
Higgy: WOW!! Aston Martin really do think of everything with the comfort options pack, don't they!
Prince: Golf balls, Higgy, golf balls…. (They leave in the Prince’s Aston Martin, with Higgy tightly holding the green trainer.)
News about the girl, who had danced with the Prince at the ball, leaving behind her green trainer, travelled fast. Soon everyone in the land knew that Prince Daniel was on a quest to find the girl whose foot fitted that trainer. There was great excitement everywhere and especially in Baron Bondfan’s house.
1st Paula: (Twirling around.) Oh it’s so exciting. Just imagine, if the trainer fits, I will become a princess,
2nd Paula: Oh no you won’t.
1st Paula: Oh yes, I will.
2nd Paula: Oh no you won’t. Because it will fit me and I’ll be the princess. (She flicks back her hair.)
Cinders: Maybe it will fit me.
1st Paula: (Sneering.) You? Why would it fit a mouse like you?
2nd Paula: (Dancing around her.) Yeah, why would it fit you? As if you could be a princess!
1st Paula: Why, the Prince wouldn’t even look at you!
2nd Paula: He wouldn’t even want you for his kitchen maid. The sisters laugh loudly and chant: Cinders, oh Cinders, wash those floors. Cinders, oh Cinders, do your chores!
Baron Bondfan: (Passing by.) It’s good to see you girls singing and dancing, all getting along together.
Sisters: Oh no it isn’t.
Baron: Oh yes, it is.
1st Paula: I must get ready. Cinders, fetch me my best yellow dress.
2nd Paula: Me too. Cinders, go and get my red satin dress.
1st Paula: Quick, quick now, Cinders. Make it snappy.
2nd Paula: Hurry, hurry Cinders. Get a move on. (Cinders rushes off and brings the sisters their dresses. 1st Paula puts on her yellow dress and admires herself in the mirror.)
2nd Paula: (Sarcastically)That will go well with the trainer. Green and yellow, the colour of sick! Such a delicate touch.
1st Paula: (Jeering at her sister’s dress.) Well, it’s better than red and green which isn’t fit to be seen. Naturally you think human beings dress like that.
Baron: Paulas, Paulas. You need to be ready when the Prince comes, not arguing. You both look fine.
(After driving to nearly all the houses and the green trainer not fitting anyone, Higgy is fed up and wants to go home. He walks back to the Aston Martin, but a passing sleigh knocks him into a hedge... )
Prince: That's unusual.
Higgy: (Brushing himself down.) Not really, seems to happen to me a lot on these adventures!
Prince: Well, let’s get going.
Higgy: Let’s go back. We gave it our best shot.
Prince: We have one more house to try.
Higgy: Oh no we don’t.
Prince: Oh yes, we do. Baron Bondfan’s house.
Higgy: (Glumly.) But that’s miles away. Feels like 500 miles, can’t we skip it?
Prince: (Driving faster.) You must be joking! I would walk 500 miles more just to stand..
Higgy: Are you Proclaiming again?
Prince: Just havering.
Higgy: It will be a waste of time, like all the others.
Prince: Oh no it won’t.
Higgy: Oh yes it will.
Prince: You gonna complain all the way? (He toys with the ejector seat button.)
Higgy: Go on, eject me! See if I care!
Prince: Oh yes you will.
Higgy: Oh no I…. (The Prince swerves to avoid a hedgehog.)
Higgy: Hey, I swear my nerves are showing!
Prince: You just set your hopes up way too high. (Higgy goes quiet and gazes at the green trainer. He is mesmerised by it.)
Prince: What is it, Higgy?
Higgy: It’s this green, Daniel. All my life I’ve been in love with this colour, its brilliance, its divine heaviness.
Prince: Oh no you haven’t.
Higgy: Oh yes, I have.
Prince: I hadn't noticed. (Higgy holds the trainer close to him for the rest of the journey. They approach the house and knock on the door, which is set with large ornate door knockers with three golden orbs with a Latin motto underneath.)
Higgy: They're impressive knockers.
Prince: I won't grace that with an answer. (The door is opened by an odd servant dressed on top as a French maid but with the bottom dressed as a butler.)
Butler: Good evening, gentlemen.
Higgy: I say, those are impressive knockers you've got.
Butler: Why thank you. I'm transitioning, just had them done last week. (Pointing at his chest.)
For the first time in my life I feel like a complete woman... (He notices the Prince and Higgy staring at him blankly.) Oh the door knockers! Well, they sometimes fall off.
Prince: And the orbs?
Butler: They'll be gone next week, so Dr Kaufman tells me.
Prince: The name’s Daniel, Prince Daniel. We have called to see the Baron.
Butler: He is in the downstairs vestibule….
Higgy: We'll wait till he's finished, don't want him straining anything.
Butler: (Eyes rolling.) ….practicing his archery. Follow me, gentlemen. (They cross the hall and the butler knocks on a door. They enter as the sound of "Barwick Green" plays from an old music box radio.)
Baron: Just catching up with the Archers. I'm the Baron Bondfan. Welcome, welcome. Please come in. (Higgy kneels down and throw the trainer at the Baron's calendar. The Baron looks around.)
Baron: But today is the 13th.
Higgy: I'm meretricious.
Baron: And a Merry Christmas to you too. Let us go and meet my family.
(Loud screeching can be heard as they proceed. The Prince and Higgy look nervous.)
Baron: No need to worry, that’s just my stepdaughters! They’re so excited you are here. (Ushering them in.) Let me introduce them. This is Paula, and this is Paula.
Higgy: Oh no they’re not.
Stepdaughters: (Screeching in unison.) Oh yes, we are.
Prince: What a noise! Shocking. Positively shocking.
1st Paula: (Shouting at the Prince.) The trainer! Did you bring it? Where is it?
2nd Paula: (Shouting louder.) Yes, where is it? I want to see the green trainer!
Higgy: (Shouting back.) Oh no you don’t.
2nd Paula: (Voice at fever pitch and towering over Higgy.) Oh yes, I DO. (Higgy runs behind a chair.)
Prince: She must have scared the living daylights out of him.
1st Paula: Oh, she’s very scary. She’s been known to make scarecrows run a mile!
2nd Paula: (Glowering at her sister.) Oh no I haven’t.
1st Paula: Oh yes, you have.
2nd Paula: The only scarecrow I know is you and you’re too fat to run a mile.
1st Paula: (Kicking her.) Why you nasty little…..
Baron: Paulas! Please! Remember why the Prince is here. (Turning to Prince Daniel.) Well, that's sisters for you, they always know which buttons to press.
1st Paula: (Turns and gives the Prince a sickly, sweet smile that makes his stomach churn….) I’d like to try on the green trainer first. It’s sure to fit me.
2nd Paula: Well, get on with it then. Nothing can be as painful as listening to you talk.
Higgy: (Emerging from behind the chair.) Must they try it on? They’ll ruin it.
Prince: Oh no they won’t.
Higgy: Oh yes, they will.
Both Paulas: (Pointing at each other.) She will. (1st Paula sits on the chair and holds her foot up ready for the trainer. Before Higgy has a chance to try it on her, 2nd Paula snatches it from him.)
2nd Paula: That’s my green trainer. I recognise it. I lost it at the ball that night.
1st Paula: Oh no you didn’t.
2nd Paula: Oh yes, I did.
1st Paula: You’re just saying that because you know it will fit me.
2nd Paula: Oh no it won’t.
1st Paula: (Sticking her tongue out at her sister.) Oh yes, it will.
Higgy: (Whispering to Prince Daniel.) You will need a great deal of luck to get out of this.
Prince: (To 2nd Paula.) Well if it’s yours, then show us the matching one.
2nd Paula: (Panicking.) I, erm, haven’t got it.
Prince: Why not?
2nd Paula: Erm. erm, I lost it.
Prince: How would have Oscar Wilde have put it? To lose one green trainer would be an accident. To lose two, would seem like carelessness.
1st Paula: Oh, she’s very careless. She’s always losing stuff.
2nd Paula: Oh no I’m not.
1st Paula: (Pulling her sister’s hair.) Oh yes, you are.
2nd Paula: Leave my beautiful hair alone.
1st Paula: You mean rat’s tails. Now give me that trainer. (She snatches it back and attempts to put it on.)
2nd Paula: It doesn’t fit. Look, it doesn’t fit.
Baron: I think you’ve got it round the wrong way.
1st Paula: (Turning it around and trying to push her foot in.) It fits.
2nd Paula: Oh no it doesn’t.
1st Paula: Oh yes, it does.
Higgy: (Whispering to Prince Daniel.) That girl didn't know one end of the trainer from the other.
Prince: We all make mistakes, Higgy.
1st Paula: I’ll make it fit. All I need is my heel to go in.
2nd Paula: Hah, that will never happen, it sticks out too far.
1st Paula: (Desperate for the green trainer to fit.) Just bring me a knife.
2nd Paula: It'll take more than cutting off your heels, Paula, to turn you into a princess.
1st Paula: Oh no it won’t, I have the looks of a princess.
2nd Paula: With that face? A princess has a nose, not a banana!
1st Paula: You’re just jealous because I’m prettier than you! (Turning to the Baron.) Aren’t I?
Baron: Well, it's all a matter of perspective.
2nd Paula: (To the Prince.) You wouldn't touch that horrible woman, would you?
Prince: I find her fascinating. But she needs a psychiatrist, not me.
Higgy: The trainer clearly doesn’t fit. You should take it off so your sister can try.
1st Paula: Oh no I shouldn’t.
2nd Paula: Oh yes, you should. (She pulls the green trainer off her sister’s foot, sits down and tries to force it on.)
Prince and Higgy together: Does it fit?
2nd Paula: Yes. It fits perfectly.
1st Paula: Oh no it doesn’t.
2nd Paula: Oh yes, it does. You can see it does.
1st Paula: You must give me the name of your oculist. Because we all know your foot is only half in.
2nd Paula: Not for long. I’ll make it fit even if I have to make my toes shorter.
Higgy: (Horrified.) You’d do that?
2nd Paula: Of course.
1st Paula: Well then, you're an idiot.
2nd Paula: Oh no I’m not.
1st Paula: Oh yes, you are. It’s not going to fit so you should give up trying.
2nd Paula: Why is it that people who can't take advice always insist on giving it?
Prince: Well, I’ve seen enough. It obviously doesn’t fit either sister.
Higgy: (Sighing with relief.) So can we go home now?
Prince: Yes. (Turning to 2nd Paula). Give Higgy back the green trainer.
2nd Paula: I can’t. It’s stuck.
Higgy: Oh no it’s not.
2nd Paula: Oh yes, it is.
1st Paula: Here let me help you. (She grabs her sister’s foot and tugs and twists the trainer off, while her sister screams.)
Higgy: Ouch. I do hope that doesn't hurt too much. (The sound of giggling is heard from the kitchen. Both sisters look at each other, rush to the door and fling it open. A girl moves quickly away.)
1st Paula: That's a naughty little habit. Listening at keyholes.
2nd Paula: And laughing at us.
Prince: (Addressing the Baron.) Wait, you never said there was another girl here.
Baron: Oh, that’s just Cinders.
Prince: Cinders?
1st Paula: She’s not worth bothering with.
2nd Paula: It’s not like she went to the ball.
Cinders: (Quietly.) Oh yes, I did.
Paula and Paula: (Loudly.) OH NO YOU DIDN’T.
Prince: (Excitedly.) Oh yes, she did. (Turning to Cinders.) I'd recognize you anywhere. (Cinders looks down at her rags and feels ashamed to be seen by the Prince.)
Higgy: She must try on the green trainer.
Sisters: Oh no she mustn’t.
Prince: Oh yes, she must. (Without taking his eyes off her, he leads her to the chair.) We only met briefly, but you left a lasting impression. (Higgy puts the trainer on Cinder’s foot. The Baron and the sisters gasp! It fits perfectly!!!!!!!!)
Prince: (On cloud nine.) For your foot only!
1st Paula: (Greener than the trainer, with envy.) It DOESN’T fit. Her heel is sticking out.
2nd Paula: (Even greener.) It DOESN’T fit. Her toes are curled under.
Prince: (Ignoring both sisters and gazing at Cinders.) You're one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen.
Cinders: You shouldn't stare. (She giggles.)
Prince: Well, you shouldn’t look like that.
Baron: She likes you. I can see it.
2nd Paula: Oh no she doesn’t.
Cinders: Oh yes, I do. (Suddenly an icy cold voice cuts through the air).
Baroness: Cinders! Why are you out of the kitchen? I don't want you getting dishpan hands but you know that’s where you belong.
Baron: Ah Prince, meet my wife, the overbearing, um,I mean lovely caring Baroness Bondfan. She's capable, cooperative, (Cough.) and her loyalty to the State is beyond question. (Before the Prince has a chance to say a word, the Baroness lunges at Cinders.)
Baroness: What do you think you are doing, wearing that green trainer?
Cinders: (Timidly.) It’s mine.
Baroness: (With a loud snort.) Oh no it’s not.
Higgy: (Afraid she would want to try it on, and break it.) Oh yes, it is.
1st Paula: Oh no it’s not
Prince: (Using his most official voice.) Oh yes, it is
2nd Paula: Oh no it’s not. (There is a moment of silence, then they all look at the Baron.)
Baron: Well, it does fit her. (The Baroness glares at him angrily.)
Baron: Well, you shouldn't look like that. The girl deserves some happiness.
Both Paulas: Oh no she doesn’t!
Baron: Oh yes, she does. (Cinders reaches into her pocket and pulls out something green.)
Cinders: Look, I have the other one.
Higgy: (Jumping up and down.) The matching green trainer!
Baron: That proves it. It is hers, both trainers are.
Prince: (Getting on one knee.) I love you. I know I'll never find another woman like you. Will you marry me?
Cinders: You love me?
Prince: Yes... considerably.
Cinders: Yes, I’ll marry you.
Prince: Oh, I'm so glad. You’re much too nice to be mixed up in anything like this, you know.
Cinders: Will you make love to me all the time in the palace?
Prince: But of course. (The Prince and Cinders kiss. The Baron and Higgy are happy. The Baroness and her daughters are not.)
Baroness: (Abruptly.) Come, girls. It is time for our massage.
1st Paula: Wait just a minute. (She approaches Higgy, smiling and fluttering her eyelashes at him.) Do you have a woman of your own? (Higgy, a sense of panic and dread coming over him runs and hides under the chair….)
The End
Cinderella will return in…
SHOE ONLY LIVE TWICE
QUANTUM OF SHOELACE
FOR YOUR EYELETS ONLY
...I’ll get my coat.
Exactly, Higgins. Completely different from you, and still they use your name. Just like this "Number24" who I'm sure everyone can see has no resemblance to me!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,762Chief of Staff
I hope you've copyrighted this, Barbel, as we know that Babs and MGW frequent AJB on the downlow, and it wouldn't surprise me if NTTD is suddenly ditched and remade using this utterly brilliant script. -{
Comments
On behalf of the team, thank you Shady. {[]
You know, I never thought that was as bad as it was made out to be. Hardly great cinema, but not the worst film ever. Still, Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty were never natural funny men unless aided by a really good script (eg The Graduate, Tootsie. )
But of course.
(Cinders enters in her beautiful gown, accompanied by her Fairy Spymother. An opulent space, filled with glittery light and revellers enjoying themselves. Clearly, the party is in full swing.)
Fairy Spymother: What do you think, my dear?
Cinderella: Why, it's amazing! It’s exactly how I dreamed it would be!
(The band play “Good Evening Eontown”. The Scottish bass player looks very happy- possibly slightly drunk. After a couple of songs he leaves the stage.)
Prince Daniel: This song sounds a little lacklustre, eh Higgy?
Higgy: Your Highness, I think it’s because the bass player has wandered off.
(The two men spot the bass player heading for a spiral staircase leading up towards the upper tier of the ballroom. We’re not sure how many tiers there are, Boris Johnson keeps changing his mind.)
Prince Daniel: Bless him, I imagine he’s having a senior moment.
Higgy: No, I think he’s having a Macallan Moment… ah look there he is.
(The bass player appears in a box high above the proceedings, and sits down next to another AJB senior.)
Barbel: There you are, old boy!
C&D: Charmed, I’m sure!
Prince Daniel: (Looking up at them from below.) They look like a couple of muppets.
Higgy: Statler and Waldorf spring to mind….
(Across the dancefloor, Prince Daniel catches sight of Cinderella. Overcome by shock, he stands rooted to the spot, oblivious to all else taking place while Higgy rambles on.)
Higgy: Yes, well of course, it’s a debatable point of contention as to whether Adidas’ new range of trainers are truly green or simply a very light shade of blue or perhaps ultramarine. Although a genuinely skilled and discerning expert on the subject of green trainers, such as myself, can always tell the difference between them…are you even listening to me?
Prince Daniel: Who’s that?
Higgy: Who do you mean?
(Prince Daniel indicates Cinderella.)
Prince Daniel: That girl…I haven’t seen her around here before…
Higgy: Never mind that. As I was saying, the study of green trainers is among the most exacting scientific disciplines in the world. It requires real discipline-
Prince Daniel: (Urgently.) Wait a minute! I have to know who she is…
Higgy: And I have to know how to get my hands on the new Nike range! Apparently that particular shade of green is very rare…
(Prince Daniel, meanwhile, is transfixed by Cinderella.)
Prince Daniel: She’s amazing…
Higgy: Yeah, but so is the new Extra Green brand of trainers…
Barbel: Look! Who’s that?
C&D: Let’s have a closer look...
(Far below, they can see a man dressed like a Viking clutching a woodsman’s axe in one hand, and thumbing through a centrefold with the other. He appears to be talking to himself.)
Barbel: Can you hear what he’s saying? My ears are shot from all those years of playing the bass too loud.
C&D: It sounds like he’s saying….. “Jennifer Connolly…. Margot Robbie…. Eliza Gonzales…”
Barbel: Ah, that must be Number24.
C&D: Do you think he’s in the right panto?
Barbel: No… I think he’s wandered in from ‘Babes in the Nude... er, Wood'!
(Both of them start guffawing like a couple of loons.)
Spy: Shall we meet some of the other guests?
Cinderella: Sounds like a good idea…
(A man sits staring deep in concentration at a calendar, frantically ticking off dates with a red marker pen.)
Cinderella: Who’s this?
Man: November 2021…April 2022…November 2022…no, no, no….it doesn’t work!
(He starts tearing his hair out and sobbing.)
Spy: Eon’s head of scheduling for “No Time to Die”… a troubled man.
(A group of tall, dark, handsome men wait outside dressed in tuxedoes.)
Cinderella: Who are this lot, then?
Man: I’m the new James Bond.
(One of his compatriots angrily shouts.)
Man: No, I am!
Man: No, it’s me!
Doorman: I’m sure you are… stand in an orderly queue, gentlemen. Tickets ready, please. Cavill, Elba, Turner… hang on! These invitations are fake!
(A scuffle breaks out among the massed imposters; elsewhere, two tall, greying men talk.)
Pierce: Ah, it's great to be seen as the natural replacement for old Sir Sean.
Tim: Oh. no you're not!
Pierce: Oh yes I am!
Tim: Oh no you're not! I am surely the natural successor to Sean- don't you remember the old rhyme? England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales. Wales comes after Scotland!
Pierce: You're just being silly now, Tim. Many critics said at the time that I was simply the best since Sean.
Tim: Now hang on, the critics said I was the best since Sean too- and as I was before you came along, I win!
Pierce: Nonsense, many have spoken of how I (Refers to a review he pulls from his pocket.) “blended the cruelty of Connery with the light comedic flair of Moore”.
Tim: I was cruel- just look at my great performance in “Licence to Kill”.
(Overhearing this, Higgy’s eyes grow moist.)
Pierce: Yes, but not too many jokes in that one Tim. Too many years on the boards in tights, that's your problem.
Tim: Every great actor has worn tights and slapped his thigh on occasion.
Pierce: I never did.
Tim: As I said, every great actor.
Pierce: Oh you bitch!
Tim: How's my comic timing now, eh, Pierce?
Pierce: Look Tim, can we at least agree, that we of the Celtic nations, Sean from Scotland, I from Ireland and you from Wales- all have made the best Bonds
Tim: All that you say could be true.
Voice: (Joining in from behind.) What about the Antipodean?
Pierce: The what?
(A third tall, greying man joins them.)
George: The Australian- the true successor to Sean. I went to Sean's tailor, had a Rolex and even had my hair cut in the style of Sean.
Tim: Yes we all know the story and we all have Rolexes.
Pierce: Actually, I've an Omega.
Tim: Has to have the last word.
George: Bet this never happened to the other fellas….
(We see Higgy approach the Fairy Spymother. This doesn’t go unnoticed by the two old codgers sitting in their box, high above the proceedings.)
Barbel: Look, C&D. That looks like a Fairy Spymother.
C&D: How can you tell she’s a spymother?
Barbel: Her wings are shaped like a jetpack.
C&D: Hold on a second… is that Higgy who’s just sidled up to have a chat?
Barbel: Difficult to mistake him with those trainers on.
(The Fairy Spymother and Higgy start engaging in a conversation. Pretty soon, Higgy points at his feet. With a wave of her wand, Higgy’s trainers turn blue, like Prince Daniel’s Adidas Gazelles. At that, the two old codgers see Higgy burst a balloon from the dancefloor with one hand while simultaneously bursting into tears, much like his hero in ‘The Living Daylights’. At that, Spy takes pity and turns Higgy’s trainers back into a lurid green again.)
Barbel: Do you think he’s in the right panto?
C&D: No… looks more like ‘Beauty & The Beast’ from up here!
(They start guffawing like a couple of fools.)
(A man sits alone in the corner, sobbing.)
Cinders: Who's that?
Spy: That's the editor of "Quantum of Solace"- just leave him there, alone with his sorrows.
(TB2 and TP burst in, looking around in desperation.)
TB2: Now we’ve got here…
TP: ...all we have to do is find it!
(They are approached by a waiter, a dark-haired young man in a white shirt and black bow tie.)
Waiter: (Waving his hand in the air.) Good evening, Mr Bond fans, may I help you? A drink, perhaps?
TB2: No thank you, I’m trying to find my A.R.S.E.
Waiter: (Raises eyebrow.) If you insist, sir.
(Meanwhile, on the dance floor…)
Prince Daniel: Would you like to dance?
Cinderella: What should I say to an invitation from a strange gentleman?
Prince Daniel: You should say “Yes”, miss…?
Cinderella: Cinderella.
(Back at the bar…)
TB2: Could you help us a moment?
Tim: Yes?
TP: I’m having trouble finding my A.R.S.E.
Pierce: Is it perfectly formed?
TB2: You could say that…
George: What’s the problem here?
TP: I can’t find my A.R.S.E.
Audience: (Shouts.) It’s behind you!
(On the dancefloor, Prince Daniel and Cinderella have been dancing for hours.)
Prince Daniel: I’m hot! I think it’s time for a drink.
Cinderella: Oh no, it’s not.
Prince Daniel: Oh yes it is. Time for a vodka martini, shaken ……
Cinderella: (Panicking.) Time? Time? What time is it?
Prince: Like I said, time for a vodka mar…(He is interrupted by the sound of the clock striking midnight.)
Cinderella: Ohhhh! I must go.
Prince: This is no time to fly.
Cinderella: I have to! (She runs down the palace steps.)
Prince: Oh no you…..oh wait, she’s gone! (He stands there looking all forlorn, about to cry. His friend Higgy, who hates to see a prince cry, rushes over.)
Prince: She’s gone, I don’t even know her name. How will I ever find her again? (Tears start to well.)
(Above, in the box.)
Barbel: Look! (He points a newcomer to the ball out to C&D.) Isn’t that the well-known 1960s character actor Sir James Robertson-Justice?
C&D: Easy mistake to make, but I think that’s Thunderpu…
Fairy Spymother: (Calling up to the balcony.) Oy!
Barbel: Careful old boy, you don’t want her to change you into one of Cinderella’s mice…
(Higgy spots TP and they start talking heatedly. All of a sudden, Higgy treads on one of TP’s toes with his lurid trainers. TP lets out a howl and limps off.)
C&D: Looks like, ahem, TP is limping – he’ll need to go to a chemist to sort that toe out.
Barbel: Do you think he’s in the right panto?
C&D: I’m pretty sure he’ll need to be a ‘Thunderpuss in Boots’ at this rate!
(Fairy Spymother leans back to shout up to the balcony again as both Barbel and C&D start guffawing like a couple of loons…)
(TP limps out into the coachpark to join TB2.)
TP: Well, that was pointless.
TB2: (Sadly.) I suppose you’re right. We’ll never find our A.R.S.E anywhere.
(The A.R.S.E sits in the coachpark surrounded by eight cats.)
TP: No, wait...there it is!
TB2: Hooray! We’re saved! But where did all these puss-
Spy: Hoy!
TB2: Er, kitties come from?
When have cheesy lines and character assassination ever been quite so much fun?
It put a smile on my face this morning....
... and later I read the pantomime story
I'm going to get myself a large coffee, a few biscuits and have myself a good read ......
Of course. I see TSWND was involved too.
Great work everyone
TB2: Thank goodness we're back, I'm getting tired carrying you and your big A.R.S.E.
TP: How dare you, my arse is not big, it's perfect apart from the crack in it. You're the one who said you were an Uber.
TB2: I said I was a YouTuber, a fan of YouTube!!
(TB2 stumbles on a cobble.)
TB2: Here comes a regular, ask him to open the door my hands are full.
TP: As are mine. Excuse me good sir, could you reach the knob?
Mr Snow: No, I've heard all about you and your odd ways.
TB2: The door knob, to let us in!
(All three enter the Inn, to the sound of voices singing the “12 Days of Christmas”.)
All: FIVE, Gold-Fingers
Chriscoop: Four, Aston Martin cars
TheRedKind: Three, Lotus subs
Sir Hilary Bray: Two, shiny bezants
All: And one, legendary Sean Connery!
Golrush007: As choirmaster, I have to say that was ......... bloody awful! Especially you, Gymkata- egads, I cringe at your singing voice. You do know that over at MI6 they're flat-out practicing and they only lost out last year to the Star Wars Forum.
HowardB: We're doing our best, Golrush, the singing is hard but that dance routine you've got us doing is almost impossible. To expect walther p99 to do the splits is just asking too much.
emtiem: Also, is dressing up in lederhosen and doing a drum solo by slapping each other really in the spirit of Christmas?
hehadlotsofguts: Forget that crap, TP and TB2 are back.
(They turn to see what's occurring.)
Napoleon Plural: Looks like you've found it.
TP: Yes, it's back home (He places it back on its place on the bar.)
Gymkata: It brings a tear to my eye to once again look upon your A.R.S.E.
Loeffelholz: Indeed, I was feeling quite "Jaded" about it.
James Suzuki: I'm so happy, someone give me a bottle, let me be the first to open one.
Walther99: This is inspiring, I'm gonna try the splits right now!!!!!!
(A short tearing sound and a brief scream later...)
Lady Rose: I'll call the ambulance for him.
TP: Good idea.
Lady Rose: Where was it, boys?
TB2: It was just there in the Royal coachpark,
0073: That was staggering.
TB2: No, it was just sitting there. In fact TP tripped over it, he was more interested in the goings on in one coach with a group of men standing around it.
zaphod99: What was going on there?
TB2: Some sort of puppetry, I think, as TP said something about hand action…?
TP: Never mind hands, the Prince seems to have developed a foot fetish.
SpectreOfDefeat: Foot fetish?
TP: He's now going door to door checking people's feet!
TB2: Only the girls, TP.
TP: Sexist!
TB2: With a green trainer, no less.
TP: Tasteless! Now, to celebrate a drink all round. Please TB2 open a bottle and six, seven, eight straws all round.
TB2: Champagne?
TP: No, a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale will do! Now, let’s break out the cards.
SpectreOfDefeat: Oh please, not “Happy Families” again.
TP: No, we’ll use the ones with “007” on the back, like Solitaire used to have. I want to see if Number24 gets The Fool again.
N24: That’s only because you bought a pack of cards that was all The Fool.
TP: N24, N24, would I do I thing like that to you?
N24: Yes you bloody well would!
Scene 8- The Palace.
Prince: (Downhearted.) It’s like the sky has fallen on me. I can’t find any comfort.
Higgy: Not even a small amount of comfort? A quantum of sol-
Prince: Don’t start! I hate to lose- I’m a worse loser than Donald Trump.
Higgy: I'll concede that.
Prince: Pity he didn't!
Higgy: (Assuredly.) Don’t worry. We’ll find her.
Prince: (Sniffs) Oh no we won’t.
Higgy: Oh yes we will.
Prince: How? (A tear falls.)
Higgy: You’re going to have to trust me on this.
Prince: Oh no I don’t.
Higgy: Oh yes you do. I’ll think of something. (Looks wildly around.) Look! What’s that on the steps?
Prince: It looks like a shoe. (They both make their way down the steps.)
Higgy: It’s a trainer!
Prince: Oh no it isn’t.
Higgy: Oh yes it is, I’m an expert in that area. (He picks it up excitedly.) A nice green one!
Prince: Oh no it isn’t. (He grabs the shoe and looks at it closely under the chandelier.) Wait, oh yes it is.
Higgy: (Grabbing it back.) Well, it’s certainly not one of yours, it doesn’t have lifts in it. The best green trainer I’ve ever seen. Perfect for running in.
Prince: Well, everybody needs a hobby.
Higgy: Oh no they don’t.
Prince: Oh yes they do.
Higgy: So, what’s yours?
Prince: Finding the girl whose foot fits this shoe!
Higgy: What about the rest of her?
Prince: I can keep that as a bonus. Any ideas?
Higgy: Search every house in the land and try the trainer. (Sighs.) The green trainer on the foot of every girl.
Prince: (No longer looking misty eyed.) You know, you're cleverer than you look.
Higgy: The very words I live by.
Prince: Oh no they’re not.
Higgy: Oh yes they are.
Prince: (Impatiently.) We’re wasting time. Are you sure that crazy watch of yours is accurate?
Higgy: German watches are never wrong!
Prince: We’ll take the Aston Martin. And you will try the trainer on all the girls.
Higgy: Oh no I-
Prince: Oh yes you will. Rule number one: never do anything yourself, when someone else can do it for you. Oh, and take that cello! Also I've had a few optional extras fitted.
(They enter the Aston Martin, Higgy has to move some small plastic tees from his seat.)
Higgy: What are these for?
Prince: You rest your balls on them before driving off.
Higgy: WOW!! Aston Martin really do think of everything with the comfort options pack, don't they!
Prince: Golf balls, Higgy, golf balls….
(They leave in the Prince’s Aston Martin, with Higgy tightly holding the green trainer.)
and thanks to all my fellow authors -{ :007)
"The spectre of defeat..."
Scene 9- Cinderella’s house.
News about the girl, who had danced with the Prince at the ball, leaving behind her green trainer, travelled fast. Soon everyone in the land knew that Prince Daniel was on a quest to find the girl whose foot fitted that trainer. There was great excitement everywhere and especially in Baron Bondfan’s house.
1st Paula: (Twirling around.) Oh it’s so exciting. Just imagine, if the trainer fits, I will become a princess,
2nd Paula: Oh no you won’t.
1st Paula: Oh yes, I will.
2nd Paula: Oh no you won’t. Because it will fit me and I’ll be the princess. (She flicks back her hair.)
Cinders: Maybe it will fit me.
1st Paula: (Sneering.) You? Why would it fit a mouse like you?
2nd Paula: (Dancing around her.) Yeah, why would it fit you? As if you could be a princess!
1st Paula: Why, the Prince wouldn’t even look at you!
2nd Paula: He wouldn’t even want you for his kitchen maid.
The sisters laugh loudly and chant: Cinders, oh Cinders, wash those floors. Cinders, oh Cinders, do your chores!
Baron Bondfan: (Passing by.) It’s good to see you girls singing and dancing, all getting along together.
Sisters: Oh no it isn’t.
Baron: Oh yes, it is.
1st Paula: I must get ready. Cinders, fetch me my best yellow dress.
2nd Paula: Me too. Cinders, go and get my red satin dress.
1st Paula: Quick, quick now, Cinders. Make it snappy.
2nd Paula: Hurry, hurry Cinders. Get a move on.
(Cinders rushes off and brings the sisters their dresses. 1st Paula puts on her yellow dress and admires herself in the mirror.)
2nd Paula: (Sarcastically)That will go well with the trainer. Green and yellow, the colour of sick! Such a delicate touch.
1st Paula: (Jeering at her sister’s dress.) Well, it’s better than red and green which isn’t fit to be seen. Naturally you think human beings dress like that.
Baron: Paulas, Paulas. You need to be ready when the Prince comes, not arguing. You both look fine.
(After driving to nearly all the houses and the green trainer not fitting anyone, Higgy is fed up and wants to go home. He walks back to the Aston Martin, but a passing sleigh knocks him into a hedge... )
Prince: That's unusual.
Higgy: (Brushing himself down.) Not really, seems to happen to me a lot on these adventures!
Prince: Well, let’s get going.
Higgy: Let’s go back. We gave it our best shot.
Prince: We have one more house to try.
Higgy: Oh no we don’t.
Prince: Oh yes, we do. Baron Bondfan’s house.
Higgy: (Glumly.) But that’s miles away. Feels like 500 miles, can’t we skip it?
Prince: (Driving faster.) You must be joking! I would walk 500 miles more just to stand..
Higgy: Are you Proclaiming again?
Prince: Just havering.
Higgy: It will be a waste of time, like all the others.
Prince: Oh no it won’t.
Higgy: Oh yes it will.
Prince: You gonna complain all the way? (He toys with the ejector seat button.)
Higgy: Go on, eject me! See if I care!
Prince: Oh yes you will.
Higgy: Oh no I….
(The Prince swerves to avoid a hedgehog.)
Higgy: Hey, I swear my nerves are showing!
Prince: You just set your hopes up way too high.
(Higgy goes quiet and gazes at the green trainer. He is mesmerised by it.)
Prince: What is it, Higgy?
Higgy: It’s this green, Daniel. All my life I’ve been in love with this colour, its brilliance, its divine heaviness.
Prince: Oh no you haven’t.
Higgy: Oh yes, I have.
Prince: I hadn't noticed.
(Higgy holds the trainer close to him for the rest of the journey. They approach the house and knock on the door, which is set with large ornate door knockers with three golden orbs with a Latin motto underneath.)
Higgy: They're impressive knockers.
Prince: I won't grace that with an answer.
(The door is opened by an odd servant dressed on top as a French maid but with the bottom dressed as a butler.)
Butler: Good evening, gentlemen.
Higgy: I say, those are impressive knockers you've got.
Butler: Why thank you. I'm transitioning, just had them done last week. (Pointing at his chest.)
For the first time in my life I feel like a complete woman... (He notices the Prince and Higgy staring at him blankly.) Oh the door knockers! Well, they sometimes fall off.
Prince: And the orbs?
Butler: They'll be gone next week, so Dr Kaufman tells me.
Prince: The name’s Daniel, Prince Daniel. We have called to see the Baron.
Butler: He is in the downstairs vestibule….
Higgy: We'll wait till he's finished, don't want him straining anything.
Butler: (Eyes rolling.) ….practicing his archery. Follow me, gentlemen.
(They cross the hall and the butler knocks on a door. They enter as the sound of "Barwick Green" plays from an old music box radio.)
Baron: Just catching up with the Archers. I'm the Baron Bondfan. Welcome, welcome. Please come in.
(Higgy kneels down and throw the trainer at the Baron's calendar. The Baron looks around.)
Baron: But today is the 13th.
Higgy: I'm meretricious.
Baron: And a Merry Christmas to you too. Let us go and meet my family.
(Loud screeching can be heard as they proceed. The Prince and Higgy look nervous.)
Baron: No need to worry, that’s just my stepdaughters! They’re so excited you are here. (Ushering them in.) Let me introduce them. This is Paula, and this is Paula.
Higgy: Oh no they’re not.
Stepdaughters: (Screeching in unison.) Oh yes, we are.
Prince: What a noise! Shocking. Positively shocking.
1st Paula: (Shouting at the Prince.) The trainer! Did you bring it? Where is it?
2nd Paula: (Shouting louder.) Yes, where is it? I want to see the green trainer!
Higgy: (Shouting back.) Oh no you don’t.
2nd Paula: (Voice at fever pitch and towering over Higgy.) Oh yes, I DO.
(Higgy runs behind a chair.)
Prince: She must have scared the living daylights out of him.
1st Paula: Oh, she’s very scary. She’s been known to make scarecrows run a mile!
2nd Paula: (Glowering at her sister.) Oh no I haven’t.
1st Paula: Oh yes, you have.
2nd Paula: The only scarecrow I know is you and you’re too fat to run a mile.
1st Paula: (Kicking her.) Why you nasty little…..
Baron: Paulas! Please! Remember why the Prince is here. (Turning to Prince Daniel.) Well, that's sisters for you, they always know which buttons to press.
1st Paula: (Turns and gives the Prince a sickly, sweet smile that makes his stomach churn….) I’d like to try on the green trainer first. It’s sure to fit me.
2nd Paula: Well, get on with it then. Nothing can be as painful as listening to you talk.
Higgy: (Emerging from behind the chair.) Must they try it on? They’ll ruin it.
Prince: Oh no they won’t.
Higgy: Oh yes, they will.
Both Paulas: (Pointing at each other.) She will.
(1st Paula sits on the chair and holds her foot up ready for the trainer. Before Higgy has a chance to try it on her, 2nd Paula snatches it from him.)
2nd Paula: That’s my green trainer. I recognise it. I lost it at the ball that night.
1st Paula: Oh no you didn’t.
2nd Paula: Oh yes, I did.
1st Paula: You’re just saying that because you know it will fit me.
2nd Paula: Oh no it won’t.
1st Paula: (Sticking her tongue out at her sister.) Oh yes, it will.
Higgy: (Whispering to Prince Daniel.) You will need a great deal of luck to get out of this.
Prince: (To 2nd Paula.) Well if it’s yours, then show us the matching one.
2nd Paula: (Panicking.) I, erm, haven’t got it.
Prince: Why not?
2nd Paula: Erm. erm, I lost it.
Prince: How would have Oscar Wilde have put it? To lose one green trainer would be an accident. To lose two, would seem like carelessness.
1st Paula: Oh, she’s very careless. She’s always losing stuff.
2nd Paula: Oh no I’m not.
1st Paula: (Pulling her sister’s hair.) Oh yes, you are.
2nd Paula: Leave my beautiful hair alone.
1st Paula: You mean rat’s tails. Now give me that trainer. (She snatches it back and attempts to put it on.)
2nd Paula: It doesn’t fit. Look, it doesn’t fit.
Baron: I think you’ve got it round the wrong way.
1st Paula: (Turning it around and trying to push her foot in.) It fits.
2nd Paula: Oh no it doesn’t.
1st Paula: Oh yes, it does.
Higgy: (Whispering to Prince Daniel.) That girl didn't know one end of the trainer from the other.
Prince: We all make mistakes, Higgy.
1st Paula: I’ll make it fit. All I need is my heel to go in.
2nd Paula: Hah, that will never happen, it sticks out too far.
1st Paula: (Desperate for the green trainer to fit.) Just bring me a knife.
2nd Paula: It'll take more than cutting off your heels, Paula, to turn you into a princess.
1st Paula: Oh no it won’t, I have the looks of a princess.
2nd Paula: With that face? A princess has a nose, not a banana!
1st Paula: You’re just jealous because I’m prettier than you! (Turning to the Baron.) Aren’t I?
Baron: Well, it's all a matter of perspective.
2nd Paula: (To the Prince.) You wouldn't touch that horrible woman, would you?
Prince: I find her fascinating. But she needs a psychiatrist, not me.
Higgy: The trainer clearly doesn’t fit. You should take it off so your sister can try.
1st Paula: Oh no I shouldn’t.
2nd Paula: Oh yes, you should. (She pulls the green trainer off her sister’s foot, sits down and tries to force it on.)
Prince and Higgy together: Does it fit?
2nd Paula: Yes. It fits perfectly.
1st Paula: Oh no it doesn’t.
2nd Paula: Oh yes, it does. You can see it does.
1st Paula: You must give me the name of your oculist. Because we all know your foot is only half in.
2nd Paula: Not for long. I’ll make it fit even if I have to make my toes shorter.
Higgy: (Horrified.) You’d do that?
2nd Paula: Of course.
1st Paula: Well then, you're an idiot.
2nd Paula: Oh no I’m not.
1st Paula: Oh yes, you are. It’s not going to fit so you should give up trying.
2nd Paula: Why is it that people who can't take advice always insist on giving it?
Prince: Well, I’ve seen enough. It obviously doesn’t fit either sister.
Higgy: (Sighing with relief.) So can we go home now?
Prince: Yes. (Turning to 2nd Paula). Give Higgy back the green trainer.
2nd Paula: I can’t. It’s stuck.
Higgy: Oh no it’s not.
2nd Paula: Oh yes, it is.
1st Paula: Here let me help you. (She grabs her sister’s foot and tugs and twists the trainer off, while her sister screams.)
Higgy: Ouch. I do hope that doesn't hurt too much.
(The sound of giggling is heard from the kitchen. Both sisters look at each other, rush to the door and fling it open. A girl moves quickly away.)
1st Paula: That's a naughty little habit. Listening at keyholes.
2nd Paula: And laughing at us.
Prince: (Addressing the Baron.) Wait, you never said there was another girl here.
Baron: Oh, that’s just Cinders.
Prince: Cinders?
1st Paula: She’s not worth bothering with.
2nd Paula: It’s not like she went to the ball.
Cinders: (Quietly.) Oh yes, I did.
Paula and Paula: (Loudly.) OH NO YOU DIDN’T.
Prince: (Excitedly.) Oh yes, she did. (Turning to Cinders.) I'd recognize you anywhere.
(Cinders looks down at her rags and feels ashamed to be seen by the Prince.)
Higgy: She must try on the green trainer.
Sisters: Oh no she mustn’t.
Prince: Oh yes, she must. (Without taking his eyes off her, he leads her to the chair.) We only met briefly, but you left a lasting impression.
(Higgy puts the trainer on Cinder’s foot. The Baron and the sisters gasp! It fits perfectly!!!!!!!!)
Prince: (On cloud nine.) For your foot only!
1st Paula: (Greener than the trainer, with envy.) It DOESN’T fit. Her heel is sticking out.
2nd Paula: (Even greener.) It DOESN’T fit. Her toes are curled under.
Prince: (Ignoring both sisters and gazing at Cinders.) You're one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen.
Cinders: You shouldn't stare. (She giggles.)
Prince: Well, you shouldn’t look like that.
Baron: She likes you. I can see it.
2nd Paula: Oh no she doesn’t.
Cinders: Oh yes, I do.
(Suddenly an icy cold voice cuts through the air).
Baroness: Cinders! Why are you out of the kitchen? I don't want you getting dishpan hands but you know that’s where you belong.
Baron: Ah Prince, meet my wife, the overbearing, um,I mean lovely caring Baroness Bondfan. She's capable, cooperative, (Cough.) and her loyalty to the State is beyond question.
(Before the Prince has a chance to say a word, the Baroness lunges at Cinders.)
Baroness: What do you think you are doing, wearing that green trainer?
Cinders: (Timidly.) It’s mine.
Baroness: (With a loud snort.) Oh no it’s not.
Higgy: (Afraid she would want to try it on, and break it.) Oh yes, it is.
1st Paula: Oh no it’s not
Prince: (Using his most official voice.) Oh yes, it is
2nd Paula: Oh no it’s not.
(There is a moment of silence, then they all look at the Baron.)
Baron: Well, it does fit her.
(The Baroness glares at him angrily.)
Baron: Well, you shouldn't look like that. The girl deserves some happiness.
Both Paulas: Oh no she doesn’t!
Baron: Oh yes, she does.
(Cinders reaches into her pocket and pulls out something green.)
Cinders: Look, I have the other one.
Higgy: (Jumping up and down.) The matching green trainer!
Baron: That proves it. It is hers, both trainers are.
Prince: (Getting on one knee.) I love you. I know I'll never find another woman like you. Will you marry me?
Cinders: You love me?
Prince: Yes... considerably.
Cinders: Yes, I’ll marry you.
Prince: Oh, I'm so glad. You’re much too nice to be mixed up in anything like this, you know.
Cinders: Will you make love to me all the time in the palace?
Prince: But of course.
(The Prince and Cinders kiss. The Baron and Higgy are happy. The Baroness and her daughters are not.)
Baroness: (Abruptly.) Come, girls. It is time for our massage.
1st Paula: Wait just a minute. (She approaches Higgy, smiling and fluttering her eyelashes at him.) Do you have a woman of your own?
(Higgy, a sense of panic and dread coming over him runs and hides under the chair….)
The End
Cinderella will return in…
SHOE ONLY LIVE TWICE
QUANTUM OF SHOELACE
FOR YOUR EYELETS ONLY
...I’ll get my coat.
Fantastic stuff {[]
A big Thank-You to all involved, a great fun read.
I‘d have a talk with the guy if he was real X-(
I think I have to pm a Mod and complain about how he has abused my username and hurt my feelings
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
Happy?
Oh yes, happy :007)
I'm not sure who they'd get to play Higgy though?