Pretty sure no-one really noticed, but that Higgy is quite annoying and pretty confrontational;%
I‘d have a talk with the guy if he was real X-(
I think I have to pm a Mod and complain about how he has abused my username and hurt my feelings
You know, Higgins, you're absolutely right. It was shocking, positively shocking of us to give "Higgy" a supporting role in "Cinderella". We won't do that in the next one, I promise.
********************
A CHRISTMAS CAROL
********************
Barbel, Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous
with apologies to Charles Dickens
Scene 1. The watch factory of Ebenezer Higgins. Snow is falling as two men engage in a conversation in a cold factory office. One man is placing a single piece of coal on to a tiny fire....
Barbel Scratchit: Not quite a Christmas log, but I'm sure this will help warm my cockles.
Ebenezer Higgins: I don't spend good money on warming your cockles, or pampering your whims.
Scratchit: ‘Tis a long time since I've had my whims pampered, sir.
Ebenezer: Let’s leave them out of this, shall we, and get on with your work.
Scratchit: But, please, Mr Higgins, sir, it is Christmas after all.
Ebenezer: Christmas?! Christmas? Didn't that happen last year?
Scratchit: It occurs every year sir. A time of jollity and fun and thinking of others.
Ebenezer: No! I have to think of my profit margin, and on seeing others I have a few words ending with “off”. Do you think these priceless timepieces will make themselves?
Scratchit: No sir, but I would so love to spend Christmas Day with Bride of Scratchit and our dear little Tiny TB2.
Ebenezer: WHAT!! The whole DAY!!!! This department is not concerned with your personal problems.
Scratchit: It's just one day, sir.
Ebenezer: Bah! Humbug! Christmas is a day like any other, and you shall work it like any other.
Scratchit: Oh but, Mr Higgins, I would make the time up- just try another day.
Ebenezer: Try another day? Then you shall work double on New Year’s Day.
Scratchit: Very well, sir, but I’m sure that your former partner would have been more generous.
Ebenezer: Asp 9mm? He has been departed these many long years, since the monkey stole his watch and the snake bit him on the ….
Scratchit: … baubles, Mr Higgins, I was just thinking that it would be nice to have some magnificent baubles on our meagre tree this Christmas.
Ebenezer: Not baubles, Scratchit, but humbugs!
Scene 2. Ebenezer Higgins’ home. Framed paintings of various hideously coloured footwear cover the walls. Bookshelves full of many books, most not yet coloured in, plus the great books on timepieces from Dell Deaton, and a signed copy of "The Art of the Deal".
Ebenezer: Christmas? He can count himself lucky I have so generous a nature. When they came round collecting for the local swimming pool, did I not give them a bucket of water? And I even let them keep the bucket.
Still, he can make it up by doing double work on New Year’s Day. Being Scottish, he won’t mind that. The Scots don't celebrate New Year’s Eve, they don't even have a word for Hogmanay. Now, time for bed methinks. (Ebenezer changes into his bright green nightwear and lies in bed, checking the time on his custom-made timepiece.)
Ebenezer: Now, let me see, it’s just after nine o’clock. Time for…. Zzzzz (As he sleeps, a tall ghostly figure dressed in a tuxedo walks unsmilingly into the room.)
Ghost: Ebenezer Higgins!
Ebenezer: (Still dreaming.) Again, Asp9mm? But I’m still sore from the… (He awakes.) What? Who are you? What do you want?
Ghost: (Grim and serious.) I am the Bond of Christmas Past.
Ebenezer: Christmas Past?
Ghost: The late 80s, to be exact. Do you not recognise me? Hear my deep, slightly Welsh and yet Northern English voice.
Ebenezer: No! It cannot be!
Ghost: Look into my moist and tearful eyes….
Ebenezer: I know those eyes. Often I have complained about them.
Ghost: Indeed you have, too often! And even more so, you have complained about the box office returns for my adventures!
Ebenezer: But it is true! Your adventures made less money than Pierce Br-
Ghost: Hush, do not speak that name in my presence. You know that “Goldeneye” should have been mine!
Ebenezer: Well, that isn’t exactly how-
Ghost: Hush now. Let Scratchit take Christmas Day off to spend with his family.
Ebenezer: Nonsense. Show me your wrist, ghost!
Ghost: (Showing Ebenezer his wrist.) Well?
Ebenezer: I thought so. A Heuer 980.031 quartz dive watch with a fully black case and bracelet. Not even a Rolex! Why should I listen to the demands of a ghost who’s not wearing a real Bond watch?
Ghost: I’m not sure that there are too many people you do listen to, Ebenezer, as you so amply and regularly demonstrate on AJB. So tell me now, did I scare the, um, living daylights out of you?
Ebenezer: There’s more of gravy than the grave about you, and you are more Swansea than scary. Be off with you, spectre!
Ghost: Spectre? That stuff was old hat when I took over, boyo, but I see that it’s necessary for you to be visited by another such as I before tonight is out. Goodbye, Ebenezer! (With that, he leaps onto a passing Land Rover, plunges a knife into the roof, and speeds off).
Ebenezer: This is no time for a drive by!
You know, Higgins, you're absolutely right. It was shocking, positively shocking of us to give "Higgy" a supporting role in "Cinderella". We won't do that in the next one, I promise.
I‘ll not let that fly so easily with a half-arsed apology
I‘ll moan and weep around in this thread until everybody involved has apologized and told me how great I am
President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
You know, Higgins, you're absolutely right. It was shocking, positively shocking of us to give "Higgy" a supporting role in "Cinderella". We won't do that in the next one, I promise.
I‘ll not let that fly so easily with a half-arsed apology
I‘ll moan and weep around in this thread until everybody involved has apologized and told me how great I am
Scene 3. Ebenezer has fallen asleep again. Another ghostly figure walks into his room. This one is wearing a toupe, dressed in a tuxedo, and is if anything taller than the last.
Ghost: Ebenezer Higginsh!
Ebenezer: (Still dreaming.) ...half-arsed apology….
Ghost: (More loudly.) Ebenezer Higginsh!!
Ebenezer: (Gradually waking.) ...I‘ll moan and weep around until everybody involved has apologized and told me how great I am….
Ghost: (Losing patience.) EBENEZER HIGGINSH!!!
Ebenezer: (Wakes.) What? Who are you?
Ghost: (Sighs.) It’sh a shad thing. Gone sho briefly, and you sheem to have forgotten me already.
Ebenezer: That voice!
Ghost: I am a highlander. I am a man who would be king, an extraordinary gentleman. And now, alash, I am untouchable. But mosht of all-
Ebenezer: You cannot be…?
Ghost: I am the Bond of Chrishtmash Even Further Pasht. Bond ash in Bond, Jamesh Bond…. Ye Godsh, what are all theshe paintingsh of bloody awful green shoesh on your wallsh?
Ebenezer: These are priceless works of art, depicting the pinnacle of the shoemakers’ esteemed craft.
Ghost: I’ll give you the pinnacle of my shoemaker’sh eshteemed craft, right up your-
Ebenezer: No! Please!
Ghost: The Shpirit of Bond compelsh you, Ebenezer Higginsh. Turn from your mishguided waysh, and shee that a traditional family Chrishtmash includesh everyone watching “You Only Live Twice” after the Queen’sh shpeech.
Ebenezer: Not “The Spy Who Loved Me”, then?
Ghost: No, I’m not in that one. Let poor Shcratchit have the day off with hish family, eating gooshe and watching Bond.
Ebenezer: Nonsense. Show me your wrist, ghost!
Ghost: (Showing Ebenezer his wrist.) What’sh next, Higginsh? I sh’pose you’d like to shee my-
Ebenezer: Aha! The Rolex Submariner, Reference 6538. At least you have more taste than my last visitor, and I have to say the luminous dial and markers are a lovely shade of green.
Ghost: Look at the shcene before you, Ebenezer. (He draws back a curtain, and we see the AJB canteen. Scratchit is playing “Good Christmas Morning AJB Town” on his bass fiddle, while the other members dance merrily as TP serves ale to all. Sir Miles does his famous tutu dance while Number24 dances with his favourite centrefold and waltherp99 does the splits. In one corner sits a lonely figure, feet clad in bright green slippers, ignoring the revelry.). Higginsh, look, you are misshing all the fun. Repent your waysh!
Ebenezer: Fun? Looks to me like they are a bunch of loons.
Ghost: Higginsh, I shan’t ashk you politely next time. Are you going to let poor Shcratchit have the day off?
Ebenezer: There’s more of gravy than the grave about you, and you are more Dundee than dread. Be off with you, spectre!
Ghost: Shpectre? Aah yesh, a worthy foe I met many timesh and one they’ve had to bring back to try to make the new onesh ash good ash mine.
Ebenezer: No luck so far with that, I fear- and if they don’t hurry up with the next one we’ll all be ghosts too.
Ghost: I shee that it’s necesshary for you to be vishited by another shuch ash I. Goodbye, Ebenezer! (With that, he straps on a jetpack and departs upwards at an alarming rate.)
Ebenezer: This is no time to fly!
Scene 3.
Ghost: Ebenezer Higginsh!
Ebenezer: (Still dreaming.) ...half-arsed apology….
Ghost: (More loudly.) Ebenezer Higginsh!!
Ebenezer: (Gradually waking.) ...I‘ll moan and weep around until everybody involved has apologized and told me how great I am….
X-( I have no idea, why and how anyone could find this abuse of a virtual character that has nothing to do with reality - even remotely entertaining 8-)
President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
I think I caused many flashbacks. Sorry.
I can tell you your dance was very innovative, TP. And don't worry, the SABG security cameras weren't working that night either.
Scene 4. Ebenezer has lain awake for what seems like hours, and finally fallen into a fitful sleep. A third ghostly figure, blond haired and rather shorter than the first two and wearing a Tom Ford suit, walks into the room.
Ebenezer: (Dreaming.) ...oh Sir Miles, was it good for you, too?….
Ghost: Ebenezer Higgins!
Ebenezer: (Leaps awake.) Argh! Again? (Looks around.) Where are you?
Ghost: Look a little lower. I am the Ghost Of Christmas Present.
Ebenezer: You’ve brought me a Christmas present?
Ghost: No, you twit. “Present” as in time.
Ebenezer: As in “No Time To-
Ghost: Oh I wish. You must let poor Scratchit take Christmas Day off.
Ebenezer: Nonsense. Show me your wrist, ghost!
Ghost: (Showing Ebenezer his wrist.) Tempus Fugit, Ebenezer.
Ebenezer: Do you really need this many different watches on your wrist, ghost? I’m surprised you didn’t drown when you fell off that train, you must be so weighted down with Omegas.
Ghost: Look Higgins, am I going to have to shove the exploding one right up your….?
Ebenezer: I have no idea, why and how anyone could find this abuse of a virtual character that has nothing to do with reality - even remotely entertaining!
Ghost: I can believe that. About you having no idea, I mean.
Ebenezer: Show me what you must show me, spectre!
Ghost: Come with me, Ebenezer. (At that, Ebenezer takes the ghost’s robe. They fly over an industrial park, signposted as “Higgins & Asp Enterprises AG. Rare Swiss Timepieces and High End Trainers”. A fleet of delivery trucks sits outside, each emblazoned with the words “Fluorescent Paint Co”. Yet the lorries are unable to make deliveries, as the industrial park appears to be closed, a chain across each loading bay door.)
Ghost: Let me put it bluntly. If you don’t let Scratchit take the day off and mend your ways, you’ll be joining Asp. And we know just how much you’d like that, don’t we?
Ebenezer: (Shrinking with terror.) Enough, spectre! I shall change my ways! Only don’t let this happen! (The ghost drops Ebenezer from a great height towards a tall chimney.)
Ebenezer: Oh no! If only I had a delicatessen in stainless steel to offer him! (Ebenezer realises too late that he doesn’t have a parachute, and tumbles through the air, shrieking as he does… before hitting his bedroom floor, unharmed.)
Ebenezer: What? I’m alive? (He rushes to the window, and sees the lights on in his workshop opposite.). ‘Tis Christmas morning. I must rush to give Scratchit the morning off! …. (A young urchin passes below.) Hey boy, can I have a goose?
Boy: No, you can bloody well touch your own ars-
Ebenezer: Nay, run to the butchers and get me the biggest goose they have and here take this shiny penny for yourself.
Boy: It's a sixpence these days! With Brexit coming, I have to save for a pension.
I’m never sure if the Higgins/Asp exchanges are real or an in-joke, or even if his anger about the pantomimes is real. I’ve a feeling there is a lot of fake news regarding Higgins
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
I’m never sure if the Higgins/Asp exchanges are real or an in-joke, or even if his anger about the pantomimes is real. I’ve a feeling there is a lot of fake news regarding Higgins
Very real. He’s an utter male chicken, and I don’t mean a male chicken, I mean a male chicken.
Comments
You know, Higgins, you're absolutely right. It was shocking, positively shocking of us to give "Higgy" a supporting role in "Cinderella". We won't do that in the next one, I promise.
A CHRISTMAS CAROL
********************
Barbel, Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous
with apologies to Charles Dickens
Scene 1. The watch factory of Ebenezer Higgins. Snow is falling as two men engage in a conversation in a cold factory office. One man is placing a single piece of coal on to a tiny fire....
Barbel Scratchit: Not quite a Christmas log, but I'm sure this will help warm my cockles.
Ebenezer Higgins: I don't spend good money on warming your cockles, or pampering your whims.
Scratchit: ‘Tis a long time since I've had my whims pampered, sir.
Ebenezer: Let’s leave them out of this, shall we, and get on with your work.
Scratchit: But, please, Mr Higgins, sir, it is Christmas after all.
Ebenezer: Christmas?! Christmas? Didn't that happen last year?
Scratchit: It occurs every year sir. A time of jollity and fun and thinking of others.
Ebenezer: No! I have to think of my profit margin, and on seeing others I have a few words ending with “off”. Do you think these priceless timepieces will make themselves?
Scratchit: No sir, but I would so love to spend Christmas Day with Bride of Scratchit and our dear little Tiny TB2.
Ebenezer: WHAT!! The whole DAY!!!! This department is not concerned with your personal problems.
Scratchit: It's just one day, sir.
Ebenezer: Bah! Humbug! Christmas is a day like any other, and you shall work it like any other.
Scratchit: Oh but, Mr Higgins, I would make the time up- just try another day.
Ebenezer: Try another day? Then you shall work double on New Year’s Day.
Scratchit: Very well, sir, but I’m sure that your former partner would have been more generous.
Ebenezer: Asp 9mm? He has been departed these many long years, since the monkey stole his watch and the snake bit him on the ….
Scratchit: … baubles, Mr Higgins, I was just thinking that it would be nice to have some magnificent baubles on our meagre tree this Christmas.
Ebenezer: Not baubles, Scratchit, but humbugs!
Scene 2. Ebenezer Higgins’ home. Framed paintings of various hideously coloured footwear cover the walls. Bookshelves full of many books, most not yet coloured in, plus the great books on timepieces from Dell Deaton, and a signed copy of "The Art of the Deal".
Ebenezer: Christmas? He can count himself lucky I have so generous a nature. When they came round collecting for the local swimming pool, did I not give them a bucket of water? And I even let them keep the bucket.
Still, he can make it up by doing double work on New Year’s Day. Being Scottish, he won’t mind that. The Scots don't celebrate New Year’s Eve, they don't even have a word for Hogmanay. Now, time for bed methinks.
(Ebenezer changes into his bright green nightwear and lies in bed, checking the time on his custom-made timepiece.)
Ebenezer: Now, let me see, it’s just after nine o’clock. Time for…. Zzzzz
(As he sleeps, a tall ghostly figure dressed in a tuxedo walks unsmilingly into the room.)
Ghost: Ebenezer Higgins!
Ebenezer: (Still dreaming.) Again, Asp9mm? But I’m still sore from the… (He awakes.) What? Who are you? What do you want?
Ghost: (Grim and serious.) I am the Bond of Christmas Past.
Ebenezer: Christmas Past?
Ghost: The late 80s, to be exact. Do you not recognise me? Hear my deep, slightly Welsh and yet Northern English voice.
Ebenezer: No! It cannot be!
Ghost: Look into my moist and tearful eyes….
Ebenezer: I know those eyes. Often I have complained about them.
Ghost: Indeed you have, too often! And even more so, you have complained about the box office returns for my adventures!
Ebenezer: But it is true! Your adventures made less money than Pierce Br-
Ghost: Hush, do not speak that name in my presence. You know that “Goldeneye” should have been mine!
Ebenezer: Well, that isn’t exactly how-
Ghost: Hush now. Let Scratchit take Christmas Day off to spend with his family.
Ebenezer: Nonsense. Show me your wrist, ghost!
Ghost: (Showing Ebenezer his wrist.) Well?
Ebenezer: I thought so. A Heuer 980.031 quartz dive watch with a fully black case and bracelet. Not even a Rolex! Why should I listen to the demands of a ghost who’s not wearing a real Bond watch?
Ghost: I’m not sure that there are too many people you do listen to, Ebenezer, as you so amply and regularly demonstrate on AJB. So tell me now, did I scare the, um, living daylights out of you?
Ebenezer: There’s more of gravy than the grave about you, and you are more Swansea than scary. Be off with you, spectre!
Ghost: Spectre? That stuff was old hat when I took over, boyo, but I see that it’s necessary for you to be visited by another such as I before tonight is out. Goodbye, Ebenezer!
(With that, he leaps onto a passing Land Rover, plunges a knife into the roof, and speeds off).
Ebenezer: This is no time for a drive by!
To be continued
I‘ll not let that fly so easily with a half-arsed apology
I‘ll moan and weep around in this thread until everybody involved has apologized and told me how great I am
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
Yes, MHGA!
I think Higgins's Greatness is ..... " All a matter of perspective "
and he certainly "Grates" with some
Ghost: Ebenezer Higginsh!
Ebenezer: (Still dreaming.) ...half-arsed apology….
Ghost: (More loudly.) Ebenezer Higginsh!!
Ebenezer: (Gradually waking.) ...I‘ll moan and weep around until everybody involved has apologized and told me how great I am….
Ghost: (Losing patience.) EBENEZER HIGGINSH!!!
Ebenezer: (Wakes.) What? Who are you?
Ghost: (Sighs.) It’sh a shad thing. Gone sho briefly, and you sheem to have forgotten me already.
Ebenezer: That voice!
Ghost: I am a highlander. I am a man who would be king, an extraordinary gentleman. And now, alash, I am untouchable. But mosht of all-
Ebenezer: You cannot be…?
Ghost: I am the Bond of Chrishtmash Even Further Pasht. Bond ash in Bond, Jamesh Bond…. Ye Godsh, what are all theshe paintingsh of bloody awful green shoesh on your wallsh?
Ebenezer: These are priceless works of art, depicting the pinnacle of the shoemakers’ esteemed craft.
Ghost: I’ll give you the pinnacle of my shoemaker’sh eshteemed craft, right up your-
Ebenezer: No! Please!
Ghost: The Shpirit of Bond compelsh you, Ebenezer Higginsh. Turn from your mishguided waysh, and shee that a traditional family Chrishtmash includesh everyone watching “You Only Live Twice” after the Queen’sh shpeech.
Ebenezer: Not “The Spy Who Loved Me”, then?
Ghost: No, I’m not in that one. Let poor Shcratchit have the day off with hish family, eating gooshe and watching Bond.
Ebenezer: Nonsense. Show me your wrist, ghost!
Ghost: (Showing Ebenezer his wrist.) What’sh next, Higginsh? I sh’pose you’d like to shee my-
Ebenezer: Aha! The Rolex Submariner, Reference 6538. At least you have more taste than my last visitor, and I have to say the luminous dial and markers are a lovely shade of green.
Ghost: Look at the shcene before you, Ebenezer. (He draws back a curtain, and we see the AJB canteen. Scratchit is playing “Good Christmas Morning AJB Town” on his bass fiddle, while the other members dance merrily as TP serves ale to all. Sir Miles does his famous tutu dance while Number24 dances with his favourite centrefold and waltherp99 does the splits. In one corner sits a lonely figure, feet clad in bright green slippers, ignoring the revelry.). Higginsh, look, you are misshing all the fun. Repent your waysh!
Ebenezer: Fun? Looks to me like they are a bunch of loons.
Ghost: Higginsh, I shan’t ashk you politely next time. Are you going to let poor Shcratchit have the day off?
Ebenezer: There’s more of gravy than the grave about you, and you are more Dundee than dread. Be off with you, spectre!
Ghost: Shpectre? Aah yesh, a worthy foe I met many timesh and one they’ve had to bring back to try to make the new onesh ash good ash mine.
Ebenezer: No luck so far with that, I fear- and if they don’t hurry up with the next one we’ll all be ghosts too.
Ghost: I shee that it’s necesshary for you to be vishited by another shuch ash I. Goodbye, Ebenezer!
(With that, he straps on a jetpack and departs upwards at an alarming rate.)
Ebenezer: This is no time to fly!
To Be Continued
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
Where the dancer becomes the
dance " (#) any Flash dance
fans. Or it was a case of st vitus
Dance.
I can tell you your dance was very innovative, TP. And don't worry, the SABG security cameras weren't working that night either.
Ebenezer: (Dreaming.) ...oh Sir Miles, was it good for you, too?….
Ghost: Ebenezer Higgins!
Ebenezer: (Leaps awake.) Argh! Again? (Looks around.) Where are you?
Ghost: Look a little lower. I am the Ghost Of Christmas Present.
Ebenezer: You’ve brought me a Christmas present?
Ghost: No, you twit. “Present” as in time.
Ebenezer: As in “No Time To-
Ghost: Oh I wish. You must let poor Scratchit take Christmas Day off.
Ebenezer: Nonsense. Show me your wrist, ghost!
Ghost: (Showing Ebenezer his wrist.) Tempus Fugit, Ebenezer.
Ebenezer: Do you really need this many different watches on your wrist, ghost? I’m surprised you didn’t drown when you fell off that train, you must be so weighted down with Omegas.
Ghost: Look Higgins, am I going to have to shove the exploding one right up your….?
Ebenezer: I have no idea, why and how anyone could find this abuse of a virtual character that has nothing to do with reality - even remotely entertaining!
Ghost: I can believe that. About you having no idea, I mean.
Ebenezer: Show me what you must show me, spectre!
Ghost: Come with me, Ebenezer.
(At that, Ebenezer takes the ghost’s robe. They fly over an industrial park, signposted as “Higgins & Asp Enterprises AG. Rare Swiss Timepieces and High End Trainers”. A fleet of delivery trucks sits outside, each emblazoned with the words “Fluorescent Paint Co”. Yet the lorries are unable to make deliveries, as the industrial park appears to be closed, a chain across each loading bay door.)
Ghost: Let me put it bluntly. If you don’t let Scratchit take the day off and mend your ways, you’ll be joining Asp. And we know just how much you’d like that, don’t we?
Ebenezer: (Shrinking with terror.) Enough, spectre! I shall change my ways! Only don’t let this happen!
(The ghost drops Ebenezer from a great height towards a tall chimney.)
Ebenezer: Oh no! If only I had a delicatessen in stainless steel to offer him!
(Ebenezer realises too late that he doesn’t have a parachute, and tumbles through the air, shrieking as he does… before hitting his bedroom floor, unharmed.)
Ebenezer: What? I’m alive? (He rushes to the window, and sees the lights on in his workshop opposite.). ‘Tis Christmas morning. I must rush to give Scratchit the morning off! …. (A young urchin passes below.) Hey boy, can I have a goose?
Boy: No, you can bloody well touch your own ars-
Ebenezer: Nay, run to the butchers and get me the biggest goose they have and here take this shiny penny for yourself.
Boy: It's a sixpence these days! With Brexit coming, I have to save for a pension.
To be continued
Well that's what I've been told.
Would the portmanteau of Fake news and Higgins be ........ Friggins ?
Very real. He’s an utter male chicken, and I don’t mean a male chicken, I mean a male chicken.