Scene 5. Ebenezer’s house. He excitedly is preparing to leave when there is a knocking at the door, which he opens….
Ebenezer: Ah, there you are boy. I hope you've got a big bird with you?
Boy: Oh, if you'd told me earlier I could have called at Mrs Brown, she’s very accommodating to the older gentleman.
Ebenezer: Don't be sarcastic, urchin, Where's my bird?
Boy: I'm not a hunchback, it's on me back. Last one in the shop.
Ebenezer: Jubilations, it looks a mighty beast. Here, take your threepence and be about your business.
Boy: It was sixpence, or my dad will be round to give you the business!
Ebenezer: Here now, flip me the bird. (The boy makes a fist and begins to raise his middle finger.)
Ebenezer: That was very obvious- hmm, you're not related to TP, are you? Just give me the fowl. (The boy drops the bird on a table and leaves.)
Ebenezer: Now to visit Scratchit's hovel. I have the directions here- (He reads from a piece of paper.)
All right. You leave the Port Royal Road out of Kingston.
Then along the Wentworth Road
until you get to the cement factory. Then you turn left.
Follow the road up the hill, down the other side
and two miles further on, on the left
Magenta Drive, 2171...... beside the sewage works and cat
meat rendering plant. (He quickly puts on his overcoat, pushes the bird under it and leaves, calling for assistance.)
Scene 6. Interior of a hovel. Scratchit , Mrs Scratchit and TinyTB2 are sitting at a bare table.
TB2: Aren't we lucky father, to have each other at this time of year? Who needs food and presents to have fun. Do you want me to pull your finger again?
Scratchit: No son, I'll need a bit of time for that.
Mrs Scratchit: We are blessed to have such a positive and up-beat son, father.
Scratchit: True, but he does get on my tits sometimes.
TB2: It's getting cold again, father. Shall I burn another bundle of those Trump ballots?
Scratchit: No, I'll suck a mint and you and your mother can sit round my mouth. (Suddenly there is a terrific knocking at the door.)
Mrs Scratchit: It couldn't be the bailiffs, we have nothing left.
Ebenezer: (Outside.) Open up! ‘Tis I, your benevolent benefactor!
Scratchit: Quick, who do we know called "Benny Factor"? Open the door, mother. (Hesitantly Mrs Scratchit moves to open the door.)
Mrs Scratchit: Lords a Leaping, it's Mr Ebenezer!
Ebenezer: I have come to expose myself- (Sadly the goose's neck falls from his overcoat at they exact point.)
Mrs Scratchit: Oh Lord!!! (Faints.)
Ebenezer: -to your hospitality. Oh please forgive me my dear lady, that's been happening all the way over. I've been spoken to by two constables, Tom Allen, and one very friendly church verger... (They place a recovering Mrs Scratchit on a chair as the bird is placed on the table, aided by a couple of staff Ebenezer had brought with him carrying boxes.)
Scratchit: Sir, what's occurring?
Ebenezer: I'm giving you Christmas dinner. This bird should make a feast!
Scratchit: What about the vegetables?
Ebenezer: Oh, they'll not be staying. I'm sending them off to evict a single mother from one of my flats. (Scratchit looks horrified as Ebenezer’s staff leave.)
Ebenezer: Only joking, old boy ... (Aside.) It's not a flat, but a box room at the factory.
TB2: This is wonderful!!
Ebenezer: Indeed, look in these boxes. More food, presents and coal for the fire. (A passing neighbour, young Greta, shouts in "COAL? HOW DARE YOU!!!! ")
Scratchit: Ruddy Thunbergs, a bunch of hippies. But thank you sir for your generosity. Does this mean...?
Ebenezer: Time off? Yes, yes it does.
Scratchit:... and Boxing Day, sir?
Ebenezer: Don't push it Scratchit!
Mrs Scratchit: Well I'd better get to plucking.
Scratchit: No need, we don't need the money now..... sorry, misheard. (They gather round the table, pouring wine and sending the room full of white feathers.)
TB2: Look, everyone. It's snowing inside, it's a Christmas miracle! God Bless Us Everyone! And Higgins, too!
Asp9mm is a perfectly good reason to borrow an ostrich, I still have my emotional support reindeer.
Have you seen what the censoring in the PMs changes "sh*t" ino nowadays? It'll make your day!
Deleted Scene Ebenezer’s house. He has fallen back asleep when another ghostly figure enters his room- suave, wearing an impeccable safari suit and smoking an unfeasibly large cigar.
Ebenezer: (In his sleep.) More watches… need more watches…
Ghost: (Smoother than strawberries run through the blender four times.) Ebenezer?
Ebenezer: (Awakes.) What? Who are you?
Ghost: I am the Bond Of Christmas Further Past.
Ebenezer: At such an early hour?
Ghost: I’m an early riser, myself.
Ebenezer: Another ghost? Can’t you go and haunt yourself?
Ghost: I tried that. Didn’t think the moustache suited me. Now listen here, there’s a good chap. You need to let Scratchit have a day off to spend with his family.
Ebenezer: Nonsense. Show me your wrist. (Raising one quizzical eyebrow, the ghost extends his wrist.)
Ebenezer: Ahh, a Rolex Submariner 5513.
Ghost: I’d leave that bezel alone if you don’t wish to lose a finger, Ebenezer.
Ebenezer: But my friend Asp said that next time he sees me, he will give me the finger, so I’m not too worried, eh?
Ghost: Asp? Have you told him to hiss off?
Ebenezer: Frequently.
Ghost: I see it’s necessary for me to show you the error of your ways, Ebenezer. Behold! (The ghost motions towards a 1970s television set. A hauntingly familiar tune greets the pair, and the image of two books - one red, one blue, which curve in and out to sit side by side - one entitled “Ebenezer Higgins” and the other, “Asp 9mm”. Childhood scenes flow from each book, giving way to teenage years and beyond. Yet while Asp’s show a life lived to the maximum, Higgins show the pursuit of wealth and the incessant hoarding of fluorescent trainers.)
Ghost: If you don’t repent Ebenezer, this will be all you have to look forward to.
Ebenezer: And that’s a bad thing how?
Ghost: (Sighing.) You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t show him how to hide the bratwurst.
Ebenezer: There’s more of gravy than the grave about you, and you are more Saintly than scary. Be off with you, spectre!
Ghost: Ah, we weren't allowed to say that word in my time.
Ebenezer: My ridiculously complicated timepiece suggests that your time is up.
Ghost: I see that you shall require more work from my fellow, er, persuaders. (The ghost dives from the window, revealing a Union Jack parachute that glides him effortlessly away.)
Ebenezer: This is no time to dive.
Comments
:007)
I wonder what dirty word will be changed into the name of an orange president?
Here we go....
Higgins
Ebenezer: Ah, there you are boy. I hope you've got a big bird with you?
Boy: Oh, if you'd told me earlier I could have called at Mrs Brown, she’s very accommodating to the older gentleman.
Ebenezer: Don't be sarcastic, urchin, Where's my bird?
Boy: I'm not a hunchback, it's on me back. Last one in the shop.
Ebenezer: Jubilations, it looks a mighty beast. Here, take your threepence and be about your business.
Boy: It was sixpence, or my dad will be round to give you the business!
Ebenezer: Here now, flip me the bird.
(The boy makes a fist and begins to raise his middle finger.)
Ebenezer: That was very obvious- hmm, you're not related to TP, are you? Just give me the fowl.
(The boy drops the bird on a table and leaves.)
Ebenezer: Now to visit Scratchit's hovel. I have the directions here-
(He reads from a piece of paper.)
All right. You leave the Port Royal Road out of Kingston.
Then along the Wentworth Road
until you get to the cement factory. Then you turn left.
Follow the road up the hill, down the other side
and two miles further on, on the left
Magenta Drive, 2171...... beside the sewage works and cat
meat rendering plant.
(He quickly puts on his overcoat, pushes the bird under it and leaves, calling for assistance.)
Scene 6. Interior of a hovel. Scratchit , Mrs Scratchit and TinyTB2 are sitting at a bare table.
TB2: Aren't we lucky father, to have each other at this time of year? Who needs food and presents to have fun. Do you want me to pull your finger again?
Scratchit: No son, I'll need a bit of time for that.
Mrs Scratchit: We are blessed to have such a positive and up-beat son, father.
Scratchit: True, but he does get on my tits sometimes.
TB2: It's getting cold again, father. Shall I burn another bundle of those Trump ballots?
Scratchit: No, I'll suck a mint and you and your mother can sit round my mouth.
(Suddenly there is a terrific knocking at the door.)
Mrs Scratchit: It couldn't be the bailiffs, we have nothing left.
Ebenezer: (Outside.) Open up! ‘Tis I, your benevolent benefactor!
Scratchit: Quick, who do we know called "Benny Factor"? Open the door, mother.
(Hesitantly Mrs Scratchit moves to open the door.)
Mrs Scratchit: Lords a Leaping, it's Mr Ebenezer!
Ebenezer: I have come to expose myself- (Sadly the goose's neck falls from his overcoat at they exact point.)
Mrs Scratchit: Oh Lord!!! (Faints.)
Ebenezer: -to your hospitality. Oh please forgive me my dear lady, that's been happening all the way over. I've been spoken to by two constables, Tom Allen, and one very friendly church verger...
(They place a recovering Mrs Scratchit on a chair as the bird is placed on the table, aided by a couple of staff Ebenezer had brought with him carrying boxes.)
Scratchit: Sir, what's occurring?
Ebenezer: I'm giving you Christmas dinner. This bird should make a feast!
Scratchit: What about the vegetables?
Ebenezer: Oh, they'll not be staying. I'm sending them off to evict a single mother from one of my flats.
(Scratchit looks horrified as Ebenezer’s staff leave.)
Ebenezer: Only joking, old boy ... (Aside.) It's not a flat, but a box room at the factory.
TB2: This is wonderful!!
Ebenezer: Indeed, look in these boxes. More food, presents and coal for the fire.
(A passing neighbour, young Greta, shouts in "COAL? HOW DARE YOU!!!! ")
Scratchit: Ruddy Thunbergs, a bunch of hippies. But thank you sir for your generosity. Does this mean...?
Ebenezer: Time off? Yes, yes it does.
Scratchit:... and Boxing Day, sir?
Ebenezer: Don't push it Scratchit!
Mrs Scratchit: Well I'd better get to plucking.
Scratchit: No need, we don't need the money now..... sorry, misheard.
(They gather round the table, pouring wine and sending the room full of white feathers.)
TB2: Look, everyone. It's snowing inside, it's a Christmas miracle! God Bless Us Everyone! And Higgins, too!
Absolutely brilliant! And if anything, even funnier than the Panto!
Stupid prankster X-(
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
Have you seen what the censoring in the PMs changes "sh*t" ino nowadays? It'll make your day!
They taste good and become amazing belts and handbags
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
No more in the pipeline, for the moment.
Deleted Scene Ebenezer’s house. He has fallen back asleep when another ghostly figure enters his room- suave, wearing an impeccable safari suit and smoking an unfeasibly large cigar.
Ebenezer: (In his sleep.) More watches… need more watches…
Ghost: (Smoother than strawberries run through the blender four times.) Ebenezer?
Ebenezer: (Awakes.) What? Who are you?
Ghost: I am the Bond Of Christmas Further Past.
Ebenezer: At such an early hour?
Ghost: I’m an early riser, myself.
Ebenezer: Another ghost? Can’t you go and haunt yourself?
Ghost: I tried that. Didn’t think the moustache suited me. Now listen here, there’s a good chap. You need to let Scratchit have a day off to spend with his family.
Ebenezer: Nonsense. Show me your wrist.
(Raising one quizzical eyebrow, the ghost extends his wrist.)
Ebenezer: Ahh, a Rolex Submariner 5513.
Ghost: I’d leave that bezel alone if you don’t wish to lose a finger, Ebenezer.
Ebenezer: But my friend Asp said that next time he sees me, he will give me the finger, so I’m not too worried, eh?
Ghost: Asp? Have you told him to hiss off?
Ebenezer: Frequently.
Ghost: I see it’s necessary for me to show you the error of your ways, Ebenezer. Behold!
(The ghost motions towards a 1970s television set. A hauntingly familiar tune greets the pair, and the image of two books - one red, one blue, which curve in and out to sit side by side - one entitled “Ebenezer Higgins” and the other, “Asp 9mm”. Childhood scenes flow from each book, giving way to teenage years and beyond. Yet while Asp’s show a life lived to the maximum, Higgins show the pursuit of wealth and the incessant hoarding of fluorescent trainers.)
Ghost: If you don’t repent Ebenezer, this will be all you have to look forward to.
Ebenezer: And that’s a bad thing how?
Ghost: (Sighing.) You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t show him how to hide the bratwurst.
Ebenezer: There’s more of gravy than the grave about you, and you are more Saintly than scary. Be off with you, spectre!
Ghost: Ah, we weren't allowed to say that word in my time.
Ebenezer: My ridiculously complicated timepiece suggests that your time is up.
Ghost: I see that you shall require more work from my fellow, er, persuaders.
(The ghost dives from the window, revealing a Union Jack parachute that glides him effortlessly away.)
Ebenezer: This is no time to dive.
Thanks for this!
I have really enjoyed it!
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!