"Die A Little Every Day"
Barbel
ScotlandPosts: 37,856Chief of Staff
Yes, it's Christmas time and there's no need to be afraid- here is the Imaginary Conversations Christmas Special! Last year we wrote a pantomime ("Oh no you didn't!" "Oh yes we did!") so this year we're doing something a bit different. We'll be giving you one part each day of
DIE A LITTLE EVERY DAY
by Gymkata Claus, Charmed & Reindeerous, and Ol' Father Barbel
It is the year 2050.
James Bond walks into Miss Moneypenny's office. He passes through a disinfectant spray first and then is scanned by a virutron which, upon finishing the scan, beeps a 'clear' sound.
Bond: Good morning, Moneypenny.
Moneypenny (In hologram form.): Good morning, James.
(Bond takes off his hat and tosses it at the rack. Upon hitting the rack, there's a shimmer in the air as the very real hat passes through the hologram rack. The hat bounces off of the wall and hits the floor.)
Moneypenny: Oh, sorry about that. The entire office is virtual now. If you want, you can place your hat on the sanitized shelf on your left.
(Bond walks over and picks up his hat, brushes it off, and sets it on the shelf. The shelf lights up and a robotic voice says 'sanitizing.')
Bond: This is even better than a valet at home!
Moneypenny: Oh, I'm sure. Go on in, he's expecting you.
(Bond knocks on the door...then he looks into a retina scan device...then he presses his thumb against a scanner. Once the beep for all clear happens, a tube opens on the door. Bond breathes into it...after a moment, another beep for all clear happens. The door opens on its own accord and Bond walks in.)
M: Ah, 007.
Bond: M. Good to see you again.
(Bond looks around the room. Several people he does not recognize are present.)
M: You as well. Have you met Executive Director Cartright before?
Bond: No, I've never had the pleasure.
M: Mr. Cartright here represents the Corporate States of America.
Bond: How do you do, sir!
(Bond and Cartright maintain social distancing and extend their right hands out one foot from their bodies, aim them at each other, and then drop them...the new 'handshake'.)
M: And this is Mr. Dundee, representing the Free Australasian Uncontaminated Zone.
Bond: How do you do.
(Bond and Dundee repeat the handshake).
M: So, 007, what do you know about Aukus?
Bond: Aukus, sir? Wasn’t that a submarine deal about thirty years ago between Australia, the United States, and the UK?
Cartright: Quite right.
M: (Aside.) Well done, James.
Dundee: At the time the French were furious. They had already made a submarine deal worth billions with what was then Australia, and the Australians backed out to make a new deal with the UK and the US.
Bond: But that was thirty years ago.
M: Indeed. Which is what makes it all the more odd that one of the submarines from this deal should have disappeared in French waters just two days ago.
Bond: Disappeared?
Cartright: Without a trace. Naturally the French authorities deny all knowledge.
Dundee: But the diplomatic ramifications are already huge and risk causing most undesirable consequences.
M: So, 007, we’re relying on you to find that submarine discreetly.
Cartright: However, we are insisting that one of our agents accompany you to ensure complete clarity with our authorities.
Bond: One of your agents?
Cartright: Yes, she’s waiting outside..
M: (Touching his ear.) Moneypenny, please show in Mz Leiter.
Moneypenny: (Whose disembodied voice sounds in Bond's head.) Will do, sir - she's just, ah, trying to get through the door.
(The door opens and a six-foot six, bearded rugby player wobbles through the door on a pair of stiletto heels.)
Bond: Good God!
M: Bond, may I remind you that this is a secular office. I'd kindly ask you to refrain from that kind of language.
Bond: But... but...
Leiter: (In basso profondo.) Ah, James is it? Call me Felicia - my gender pronouns are 'she/her'. (She looks Bond up and down and giggles).
Bond: But... but...
M: (Sighing.) 007, you and Felicia will meet the rest of your team in Skegness.
Bond: Skegness, sir? I thought you mentioned that the submarine disappeared in French territorial waters?
M: That's correct, James- after the historic event called Brexit, or “Boris’s Folly” as it’s more widely known these days, the French have now claimed the entire British coastline as their fishing territory. Of course, the Prime Minister at the time complained, but was frankly too busy organising parties at No. 10 to care too much.
Bond: Oh. (He pauses.) Did you say 'rest of your team', sir?
M: Yes, of course- you'll need the customary Covid-19-50 Compliance Officer, Sensitivity Training Officer, Gender Diversity and Inclusion Compliance Officer, Health & Safety Risk Assessment Officer, Social Media Influence Officer and Legal Affairs and Compliance Officer. Sorry, James. This is for legal liability, of course.
Bond: Of course, sir.
M: Now, naturally you'll need to complete your online training as well. We have updated sexual harassment guidelines, bribery guidelines, and others. Also, here's your new Licence to Wound with updated expiration dates.
Cartright: Well, you two had better get cracking- I've just signalled for an Amazon Driverless Cab to collect you, it'll be here in a few seconds.
Bond: Any suspects, sir?
M: The French industrialist, Dame Hugo Drax, owns a sizeable fleet of fishing drones in Skegness, and the Ministry has been tracking some unusual traffic there...
Bond: Unusual traffic, you say?
M: Yes- three unicycles, one Morris Marina, and a pogo stick.
(A car peeps.)
M: Ah, that’ll be your transport now. Good luck!
Part Two tomorrow!
Comments
😂😂😂😂
Excellent stuff 👏🏻🤣
Although a fair bit of that does remind me what it’s like at work now 👀
Just you wait till later...
Part 2
(The driverless car heads through the bedraggled, sad remains of Brexit England.)
Leiter: This looks awful. Is it all like this?
Bond: Oh, not all. The Conservatives had made sure that the London area was all right before they were permanently removed from power once their leaders were all jailed for corruption. And of course Wales and Scotland are doing fine now that they are independent and have rejoined the EU.
Leiter: Oh, I’m so looking forward to working with you.
Bond: Really?
Leiter: I’m such a fan of yours. And I’ve had three weeks training!
Bond: Right….
Leiter: What are your gender pronouns?
Bond: Here, have a read at this. (Hands over the collected works of Ian Fleming.) I think that should make it clear.
Leiter: Ah, good. It’s quite a while to Skegness. I had so dreaded the prospect of making this tedious journey without reading matter. By the way, I thought these were banned? Oh well, let's take a look.
(After reading for about 20 minutes, Leiter starts gasping and sputtering.)
Leiter: But... but...
Bond: Yes, isn't it? But these days, sadly not for the over-zealous, easily offended or those of a politically-correct disposition. No wonder it was banned!
Leiter: I was about to say, these are superb!
Bond: Just don't mention the one called Octopu**y or the one with Pu**y Galore, or we're both fu**ed.
Leiter: I've always wondered how you pronounce an asterisk. Now I know. Where did you get this collection from, anyway?
Bond: MI6 inherited the collected properties of something called "AJB007" when it went bankrupt- huge amounts of those books, a large number of needlessly complicated watches, 24 copies of “Norwegian Nymphs”, a few green trainers, an autographed Sean Connery toupee, and a bass guitar.
Leiter: How did it go bankrupt?
Bond: It’s a sad story- they did a crowdfunder and eventually bought up Eon Productions. Unfortunately, they took so long about it they only succeeded just before Eon's copyright lapsed.
Leiter: Oh, lousy timing.
Bond: I’ll just look out of the window. There’s a car by the side of the road, being seen to by the RAC.
Leiter: RAC? We don’t have that in the States, what is it?
Bond: It’s the Royal Animating Club. They recharge your car when it has run out of electricity. I believe their business is thriving.
(A helicopter appears overhead.)
Leiter: Look, James. No, look up!
Bond: A helicopter! Damn, where’s my Amazon Martin when you need it?
(The helicopter drops an electromagnet and picks up the car, which swings helplessly beneath it.)
Leiter: Where are we being taken?
Bond: There’s nothing we can do, let’s just wait and see.
Great episode! I wonder who collected all those fine magazines ....
shurly the asheterishk ish pronounshed ash a shibilant esh
Part 3
(The helicopter flies out to sea.)
Leiter: Is that the Irish Sea?
Bond: No, it doesn't have a border down the middle of it. And anyway, that lies to the west and we're heading to the east.
(The helicopter comes to a halt in French territorial waters, about three miles out from Ipswich. A submarine slowly surfaces and the helicopter lands. Bond and Leiter are taken at gunpoint to meet a distinguished figure looking not unlike Eddie Izzard.)
Drax: Ah, Mr Bond, I’ve been expecting you. And the lovely Ms Leiter.
Leiter: That’s MZ Leiter, you sexist jerk.
Drax: Just one moment.
(Drax calls over his Gender Diversity and Inclusion Compliance Officer, and the two consult.)
Bond: Drax, you-
Drax: Please, be patient, Mr Bond.
(They call over the Sensitivity Training Officer, and all fall into a huddle. Eventually…)
Drax: You would appear to be correct, Mz Leiter. Pray accept my apologies for using the wrong title to address you.
Leiter: That’s all right, Sir Hugo.
Drax: That’s DAME Hugo, you sexist jerk.
(The Gender Diversity and Inclusion Compliance Officer and Sensitivity Training Officer collapse in quivering heaps of jelly.)
Drax: Enough of this- Guards! Bring them below!
(The guards make to pick up the quivering officers.)
Drax: No, not them- bring Bond and Leiter.
Guard 1: Um, are they vaccinated?
Drax: Oh, that's right. Mr. Bond… MZ Leiter… do you have your current vaccination cards on you?
Bond: Yes, certainly. One moment...here we go.
Leiter: Here's mine.
(Drax puts on rubber gloves and takes both of the cards).
Drax: It seems you're overdue for your current booster shot, Mz Leiter. Why aren't you wearing a mask?
Leiter: I just didn't get around to it. The Tau 3 booster knocked me out for 48 hours and I didn't want to risk having a reaction for this mission.
Bond: Hold on, I thought boosters were mandatory in the Corporate States of America.
Leiter: That depends on which state you're from. I'm from South Carolina so I'm bound by those state laws, especially with the current coup going on with the federal government.
Bond: Remind me to file a complaint, I'm only supposed to be out in the field with currently vaccinated agents.
Leiter: I’ll put a mask on, then.
Bond: For that matter… Drax, I need to see the Covid cards for your henchmen as well.
Drax: They're on file. I require full compliance from my men and women. I'll provide them later. If you prefer, I can have them mask up for now prior to taking you away.
Bond: Yes, I'd prefer that.
Drax: But of course.
(Drax motions for his men/women to mask up and they do so. One of the men sprays disinfectant on Bond and Leiter… going heavy on Leiter).
Drax: Are we good? Everyone happy? Good… now TAKE THEM AWAY!
(Bond and Leiter are led below to a vast control room with a world map upon the wall.)
Bond: What are you up to, Drax?
Drax: My plan is most interesting, Mr Bond- villains you have encountered before have attempted to bring war between the USSR and USA, or between China and the UK. That’s so 20th Century. I shall cause a war between France and Australia!
Leiter: You fiend!
Drax: That’s Dame fiend to you. Can you imagine the magnificence of my plan? Two powers at opposite sides of the world? All their allies will spend so much time quarrelling between themselves that by the time they have decided which side they should be on, Australia and France will have wiped each other out!
Bond: But, Dame Hugo-
Drax: Thank you, Mr Bond.
Bond: Why are you doing this?
Drax: Because I hate French food! All that garlic! And their wine stinks, too- although it’s not as bad as the Australian wine, that’s almost undrinkable.
Leiter: Oh, I don’t know, the Chateau Brisbane 99 isn’t too-
Drax: Silence! .... Good, now TAKE THEM AWAY… AGAIN!
😄😆😄 Wonderful stuff guys. A lot of thought and effort. Thanks for this🥂
😄😄😄 Thanks, guys! An entertaining read!
France and Australia - a culture clash just waiting to happen! 💥💥💥
Thank you on behalf of the team, but there's one more part to go!
This is excellent...and a bit horrifying, Since it takes place after the Bond copyright expires, I wonder who the screenwriter, director, and producers will be.
Well, Fukunaga would be in his early 70s. Gregg Wilson would replace his dad, BB has a daughter. Beyond that, no idea.
I believe Eon's lawyers will fight like hell to extend the copyright, much like Disney have done.
Here's the last part! Gymkata, Charmed & Dangerous, and I hope you enjoy it and a Merry Christmas to you!
Part 4
(The guards prod Bond and Leiter with the barrels of their sub machine guns, herding them down the submarine's gangway towards the brig.
Suddenly Bond lashes his foot backwards, the heel of his shoe connecting with the shin of the guard behind him. With a sharp crack, the guard howls in pain, as Bond turns, drops to one knee and unleashes a powerful uppercut to the guard's chin. Staggering back, the guard drops his sub machine gun to the gangway with a clatter, and launches himself at Bond. The two go down.)
Bond: (To Leiter, who's standing with the second guard, both slack jawed in amazement.) Don't just stand there!
(Leiter instantly drops to one knee, takes off one of her stiletto heels, and holds it up to her guard who runs off, terrified.)
Guard: (As he runs.) Fighting or any other form of human contact is strictly verboten!
(Bond and his guard grapple until the guard brings a knee up into Bond's groin. Grunting, Bond swiftly turns his hip, minimising the pain which shoots through his body. Sweating now, he kicks out at the guard's knee and manages to slide an arm around the guard's throat, precursor to a headlock which captures the guard off balance. Bond applies pressure to the straining neck, and within seconds the guard passes out. Bond snatches the dropped sub machine gun and rises groggily to his feet, followed by the dazed guard.)
Leiter: You want some more?
Guard: Hell no. Drax doesn't offer health insurance, and there's a five year waiting list for the NHS. Besides, what if someone captures us fighting on their mobile phone and uploads it to Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, the BBC and all the other Google-owned social media outlets? I've a social media influencer contract with Microsoft which prohibits it. And besides, if I'm seen fighting my followers will cancel me at a stroke.
(Bond and Leiter run back towards the control room.)
Drax: You’re back? Guards- get them!
Bond: Now, Felicia, now!
(Bond and Leiter drop their facemasks. The guards run off in horror, spraying themselves with everything they can as they do. Even Drax cowers in a corner.)
Drax: No, Mr Bond, no!
Bond: It’s too late for you, Dame Hugo.
(Drax exhales heavily.)
Bond: Oh come now, Drax- this is no time to sigh.
The End
Our version of James Bond will return.
🤣 excellent 🍸
Although a little too close to the truth in some aspects 👀😳🤣
And some other parts are just wishful thinking
This was Brilliant, Thank You 😂😂🤣
TIS - "The moment you think you got it figured - you're wrong"
Formerly known as Teppo
Great work! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Thanks on behalf of the team. I hope Santa has been good to everyone.
I believe in Father Christmas but I don't believe in Boris Johnson.
Oh sorry, that should have read: I believe in Father Christmas but I don't believe Boris Johnson.