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1977. M's office, somewhere in Regent's Park.

M: Take off your jacket. Give me your gun. Yes, I thought so. This damn Beretta again. I've told you about this before. You tell him - for the last time.
Armourer: Nice and light - in a lady's handbag. No stopping power.
M: Any comments, 007?
Bond: I disagree, sir. I've used a Beretta for ten years. I've never missed with it yet.
M: Ten years! Practically ancient. It jammed on your last job and you spent six months in hospital. A double-O number means you're licensed to kill, not get killed.
And another thing. Since I've been head of Ml6, there's been a 40% drop in double-O casualties. From now on you carry a different gun. Show him, armourer.
Armourer: BlasTech DL-44 heavy blaster pistol. It takes a Hensoldt Wetzlar Dialyt 3X scope and an M3 'grease gun' conical flash arrestor, with very little reduction in muzzle velocity. Which is just as well as the blast vapourises everything it touches. The Rebel Alliance and Correllian smugglers swear by them.
M: Any further comments, 007?
Bond: None sir. Handbag sized, practically ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at one's side, sir.

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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ajb007/biggrin   ajb007/biggrin  ajb007/biggrin

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2012. (A road in the north of Scotland. Two men are in a breakdown truck.)


Timmy: Are you sure you’re reading that Sat Nav correctly?

Charlie: I think so. It says another two miles up this road.

Timmy: When they drew a map of “nowhere”, this is the road they took to get to the middle of it.

Charlie: Yeah, definitely. How’d we get this job, again?

Timmy: Bloke on the phone. Said his car had been damaged and wanted it picked up. Offered a hundred quid.

Charlie: Fair enough. Sat Nav says take this turn here.

Timmy: Ok… Hey, there’s something up this road.

(They drive to the end of the road, park, and get out.)

Charlie: What the hell…?

Timmy: There’s been a building here, but I think it’s been on fire.

Charlie: Maybe even exploded or something.

Timmy: And look there- is that what I think it is?

Charlie: It looks like a part of a helicopter!

Timmy: What the hell? A helicopter?

Charlie: I thought we were sent to pick up a car. I don’t see a car.

Timmy: Let’s look about a bit… Hey, I’ve found a steering wheel!

Charlie: Seems a bit much to send a breakdown truck to pick up a steering wheel.

Timmy: Well, at least we can bring back one piece.

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"Any of the opposition around..?"

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Re: Imaginary conversations

This is great! Love this line "When they drew a map of “nowhere”, this is the road they took to get to the middle of it."  ajb007/lol

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https://i.postimg.cc/PCt94gj2/IMG-20190120-WA0009.jpg

Me on that very road.

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Great!  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

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1967. (Eon HQ. Producers Cubby Broccoli & Harry Saltzman, Director Lewis Gilbert, Screenwriter Roald Dahl, Production Designer Ken Adam.)


Dahl: ...then the spaceship opens up and swallows the Russian capsule, just as we saw at the start of the film, but this time we follow it back to Earth. It heads for the volcano, one of those we saw earlier, and it opens up-

Saltzman: It opens up???? The volcano opens up?

(Broccoli sits puffing a cigar.)

Dahl: That’s right, it opens up, and we see the spaceship land inside the volcano-

Gilbert: Inside the volcano????

(Broccoli taps his cigar into an ashtray.)

Dahl: Yes, that’s what I said, inside the volcano. We see men and vehicles running back and forward as it lands.

Saltzman: But… but…

Gilbert: I suppose we could do it all with models, just like in “Thunderbirds” on the TV.

Broccoli: No. We do it for real.

Gilbert: But, Cubby-

Broccoli: We do it for real. On our last movie, we had a budget of $9m and we made $140m. Does anybody seriously think we’re risking money with this one?

Gilbert: Well, if you put it that way…

Broccoli: I do put it that way. We do it for real. Ken, do you think you can pull it off?

Adam: Build a volcano? With a fully-functional space rocket? Sure, no problem- if you give me the budget.

Saltzman: How much do you want?

Adam: (Pinky in mouth.) One million dollars.

Gilbert: What?

Dahl: Huh?

Saltzman: Are you kidding?

Broccoli: No, I'm not kidding. Go for it, Ken.

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Barbel, these are awesome!!  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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2006. A train to Montenegro.

Vesper: You're good at reading people?
James: Yes, I am.
Vesper: What else can you surmise, Mr. Bond?
James: About you, Miss Lynd?  Well, your beauty's a problem. You worry you won't be taken seriously.
Vesper: Which one can say of any attractive woman with half a brain.
James: True, but this one overcompensates by wearing slightly masculine clothing and being more aggressive than her female colleagues, which gives her a somewhat prickly demeanor, and ironically enough, makes it less likely for her to be accepted, and promoted by her male superiors who mistake her insecurities for arrogance. Now, I'd have normally gone with only child... but, you see, by the way you ignored the quip about your parents, l'm gonna have to go with orphan.
Vesper: All right. By the amount you've drunk this evening and are still talking straight, and the way you pushed the barman out of the way to show him to to shake your Martini properly, I'd say you're a high-functioning alcoholic. And by the way you were eying up the waitress, not to mention trying to pinch my bum in the corridor, you're a borderline sex maniac. And given those two factors and the cut of your suit, which is falling down a bit and showing Union Jack underpants, you're definitely an ex-public schoolboy. (Pauses) Are you sure you're not Boris Johnson?

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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And the award goes to.....

Charmed & Dangerous!!!!

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

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Very kind but you're still the undisputed heavyweight champ of thee imaginary conversations, Barbel  ajb007/bond  ajb007/martini

I have to say, I still think this is the most fun thread on the forum and I've enjoyed reading everyone's posts.

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Yes, this is fun!
I especially like collaborating and this one was co-written with Charmed & Dangerous.



1974. (Royal Premiere of “The Man With The Golden Gun”).)

(The limousine draws up. The Queen and the Duke emerge, to be greeted by Harry and Cubby.)

Harry/Cubby: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Cubby: May I present James Bond himself, Mr Roger Moore?
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Moore, how nice to see you again so soon after your last successful appearance as 007.
Roger: Good evening, ma’am. It’s a pleasure as always.
The Duke: Ah, Roger! And who’s after you with this golden gun eh? Jealous agents, outraged husbands, humiliated Scots and Australians?
Roger: Funny you should say that…
Harry: Next is our leading lady, the lovely Miss Britt Ekland.
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Miss Ekland.
Britt: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: In “The Wicker Man”, I thought you were very good.
Britt: Thank you, ma’am.
The Duke: Hmph! In “The Wicker Man” I thought your arse was very good.
The Queen: Philip!
Britt: Oh no, sir, that was not me- that was a body double.
The Duke: Body double, eh?
Britt: Yes, that’s right.
The Duke: ...don’t suppose you’ve got her number?
The Queen: Philip!!!
Harry: Next is our villain, Mr Christopher Lee.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Lee.
Christopher: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: One very much enjoyed watching you on television as Sherlock Holmes.
Christopher: Er, that would be Peter Cushing, ma’am.
The Queen: Oh really? Well, I did enjoy your film where you play Dr Who fighting against the Daleks.
Christopher: (A little nettled.) Again, Peter Cushing, ma’am.
The Queen: Hmmm. However, I am very sure I saw you playing Baron Frankenstein in more than one film, and very good you were too.
Christopher: (Eyes turning red, fangs beginning to grow.) No, ma’am, that was-
The Queen: -Peter Cushing, I see.
The Duke: Let’s move on before he bites you on the neck.
Christopher: Ah, now you’ve got it!
Cubby: May I now present another of our actresses, Mademoiselle Francoise Therry?
The Queen: And who do you play, my dear?
Francoise: Chew Mee.
The Duke: (Leaning back to speak with Roger Moore) I bet you’d like to Roger….
The Queen: PHILIP!!!!!
The Duke: Steady on old girl, I hadn’t finished. I’d bet you’d like to, ah, Roger, have a swift drink with me after?
Roger: I’d love to!
Harry: And here’s another of our villains. May I present Mr Richard Loo.
The Duke: Who?
Richard: Loo.
The Duke: Ooh. And who do you do, Mr Loo Who?
Richard: Hai Fat.
The Duke: Don’t be so hard on yourself, old boy, you’re not fat at all! (Leaning towards The Queen, whispers.) Move on quick dear, this one’s a loon.
Harry: This is the singer of the title song, Lulu.
The Queen: Ah, good evening. Did one not see you at a Royal Command Performance?
Lulu: That’s right, ma’am.
The Queen: And what song did you sing?
Lulu: My first single.
The Queen: What was it called?
Lulu: “Shout”.
The Queen: WHAT WAS IT CALLED?
Lulu: Er, no, ma’am, it was called “Shout”.
Cubby: May I present Monsieur Herve Villechaize?
The Queen: Bonsoir, M. Villechaize.
Herve: Bonsoir, madam. My, how radiant you look in the glow of evening.
The Queen: Why, thank you.
Herve: Such a beautiful monarch I have never had the privilege of being in the presence of.
The Queen: Oh, my. (Blushes.)
Herve: Indeed, one had heard of your magnificence but nothing compares to seeing you for oneself.
The Queen: (Giggles girlishly.)
Herve: Perhaps after the premiere, you and I could meet for a small drink together?
The Queen: Well, I-
The Duke: Elizabeth!!!

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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1965. (Nassau. Desmond Llewelyn arrives on set.)

Desmond: Morning, Terence!
Terence: Ah, good morning Desmond.
Desmond: Morning, Sean!
Sean: Good morning, Deshmond.
Desmond: Well, here I am all ready to go. Got my lines all learned, got the costume. So, where do you want me to stand, Terence?
Terence: Ah yes, well, you see, you’re here as “rainy day cover”, Desmond.
Desmond: Rainy day cover?
Terence: Yes, we have to take advantage of the sunlight as much as we can to make sure the scenes match up. Your set is prepared so that when there is rain or heavy clouds we can move indoors and shoot the scene where you give Sean the gadgets.
Desmond: But we’re in the Bahamas!  It never rains here!
Terence: That’s not quite true, but we have to be prepared for when it does.
Desmond: So what have I to do?
Terence: Just take it easy- I’m sure you will enjoy yourself here.

(A week later.)
Desmond: Are you ready for me yet, Terence?
Terence: No, we’re still shooting scenes on beaches. Don’t worry, we’ll make sure that you don’t miss your cue.
Desmond: Oh, very funny.

(A week later.)
Desmond: (On phone.) ...no, darling, I still don’t know… could be any time, I’ve just to stay on standby… oh, lying in the sun, going for walks… yes, I’m sure you would.. well, I didn’t know, did I?… yes, love you too.

(A week later.)
Sean: Hey, look up at the shky Terence.
Terence: What’s that? Oh, yes, it’s a cloud!
Assistant: Do you want me to call for Mr Llewelyn, Mr Young?
Terence: No, wait- it’s going away again. Right, positions everyone!

(A week later.)
Terence: It’s raining! Send for Desmond!
(A flustered Desmond arrives on set.)
Desmond: Ah, at last!
Terence: Wait a minute- you’re brown as a berry!
Desmond: Well of course I am, I’ve been lying about in the sun waiting for you to send for me.
Terence: But Q has only just arrived from London- we’ll have to make you up to look paler.
Desmond: But… but…
Terence: Off to make-up with you!
(One hour later.)
Desmond: Right, here I am, all made-up and ready to go.
Terence: Yes, that looks much better.
Assistant: Sun’s shining again, Mr Young.
(Desmond groans.)
Terence: Okay, everyone back to the beach! Except you, Desmond, back to the hotel.
Desmond: ...again?

(A week later.)
Desmond: Finally- rain!
Terence: Right, positions everyone… and action!
Desmond: Now pay attention, 007, I’ve got this… this… er...
Terence: Cut! I thought you knew the lines, Desmond!
Desmond: Well, I did when I arrived.
Terence: No problems- we’ll just get the...  Q cards.

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2002. (Eon HQ.)

Purvis: ..so James is running away from the bad guys, and he leaps into Graves’ speeder. You know, the one we set up earlier.
MGW: Why doesn’t he take his own car? You know, the one that’s… (Shudders.) … invisible?
Wade: We’re saving that for the next scene.
Tamahori: He drives the speeder across the ice, and Graves uses the Icarus satellite to burn the ice behind him. He falls off, and is only saved from falling into the ocean by the parachute the speeder uses as a brake.
BB: Right… (Looks over at MGW. Their eyes meet dubiously.)
Wade: The laser from Icarus is coming right for him, cutting through the ice, so he unties the parachute and uses a bit of the speeder-
Tamahori: - as a surfboard to parasail through the ice!
(MGW’s finger hovers over a row of buttons, but cannot decide between the one labelled “Tamahori” and the one labelled “Purvis & Wade”.)
BB: And then he…?
Purvis: Then he knocks out a convenient guard, steals his ice bike, and heads back to the ice palace to save Jinx.
MGW: Ah, now he’ll use his... invisible car.
Wade: Yes, he has a car chase with Zao -
Tamahori: -which we intercut with Jinx nearly drowning. By now the audience will have really grown to like Jinx and won’t want to see her go.
Purvis: Yes, they’ll like her witty charm and want to see more of her.
Tamahori: Can’t see anything going wrong with that!

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

368

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2012. (The premises of Tom Ford, Tailor.)

Ford: Ah, come in Mr Craig, how are you?
Craig: Just fine, Mr Ford, thank you. I’d like to get fitted for some new suits for the next James Bond film.
Ford: Of course, of course. Just slip off your jacket please… stand over here while I get my tape measure…. I take it you were happy with the suits last time?
Craig: Yes, but I have one request- could you make them a bit tighter this time?
Ford: Tighter?
Craig: Yes, I still had some room to move in those suits.
Ford: Well, if that’s what you want… (Measuring.) So where are you off to this time? Australia perhaps, or maybe the Far East?
Craig: Mainly London and Scotland.
Ford: Oh. Maybe I should be fitting you for a raincoat then?
Craig: Just the suits, thanks. Could you take that in a bit round the waist, please?
Ford: If that’s what you want.
Craig: (Gasping for breath.) No, tighter- tighter!
Ford: But Mr Craig…
Craig: Tighter!
Ford: Mr Craig, it’s made of wool, not clingfilm. Wool is not supposed to be pulled that tight, but I can take a shot.
Craig: Take the bloody shot!

(With thanks to C&D)

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2020. (The Silencer & Black Garter. Barbel and Higgins sit at a table by the window.)

Higgins: No, I just don’t get it, Barbel.
Barbel. All right, one more time. (Produces his Corgi model of the Aston Martin DB5.) Now, this is very small. That one (Points out the window at The Bond Experience’s DB5.) is far away. Very small... far away.
Higgins: (Shaking his head.) No, you’ve lost me there.
(Barbel sighs. Thunderbird 2 wanders round the socially distanced tables.)
TB2: Now, who wants a nice cup of tea?
Charmed & Dangerous: No thanks, TB2.
TB2: Aw, go on.
C&D: No, really-
TB2: Go on go on go on go on!
C&D: No, I really-
TB2: Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on!
Barbel: Ssh, you’ll wake Sir Miles.
Sir Miles: (Awoken.) Drink! Drink! Feck!
Number 24: Are you showing a film this evening, TB2?
TB2: Of course- I thought about “Goldfinger” this time.
Thunderpussy: Oh yes, I always like a bit of Pussy.
N24: TP!
Thunderpussy: Why, Pussy Galore of course- what did you think I meant?
Higgins: I like your new hassock, Ted.
(Before Barbel can reply, The Bond Experience pops up.)
TBE: It's not Ted, it's Tom - the Tom Ford "Papal Bull" hassock, briefly seen on Q in 'For Your Eyes Only', made of 100% Nepalese silk-worm silk and featuring the highest thread-count...

(Thanks to C&D for the ending)

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

This one is another collaboration: The Mighty Barbel feat. C&D (in a purely supporting role):  ajb007/biggrin

1964. (Royal Premiere of “Goldfinger”.)

(In the limousine.)
The Duke: Good heavens, Elizabeth, you know how I hate these things.
The Queen: It is an essential part of one’s role, Philip. And I know you enjoyed the last one.
The Duke: I know, I know. Still, one has to speak to these appalling show business people and be polite to them.
The Queen: Ah yes, about that- do make an effort tonight, please be polite.
The Duke: Of course, aren’t I always?
The Queen: Hmph…

(At the designated theatre.)
Harry: Ah, here they come now. Everyone ready?
(General murmurs of assent.)
Cubby: Remember, no-one speaks until the Queen speaks to them.
(The Queen and the Duke emerge from their limousine.)
Harry: Good eve-
Cubby: Harry!
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Cubby/Harry: Good evening, ma’am.
Cubby: Your Highness, may I present 007 himself, Mr Sean Connery.
The Duke: Ahh, Mr Connery, it’s so good to see you play James Bond again.
Sean: Thanksh, your Royal Highnesh.
The Queen: Tell me, Mr Connery, when you’re acting in the role: what percentage of Bond is you, and what percentage is Mr Fleming?
Sean: Umm, about five pershent is me…
Harry: Don’t talk to me about five bloody percent! You….
Cubby: (Quickly.) Harry!
The Queen: I gather you learned to play golf during filming, Mr Connery.
Sean: Quite sho, M’am. Lovely shport. I’ve been teaching Mish Blackman and Mish Eaton, too.
The Duke: I’d like to play a round with those two…
The Queen: Philip!

Cubby: May I present our leading lady, Miss Honor Blackman?
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Blackman.
Honor: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: I read the book of this one, you know? Great characters!
Honor: Oh really, sir?
The Duke: Yes, I’m looking forward to seeing your Pussy.
The Queen: Philip!

Harry: Our villain, ma’am, Herr Gert Frobe.
The Queen: Guten Abend, Herr Fröbe.
Gert: Guten Abend, Ihre Majestät.
The Queen: Ist dies Ihr erster Aufenthalt in Grossbritannien?
Gert: Ja, Ihre Majestät, es ist mein erster Besuch. Es ist sehr schöhn hier.
The Queen: Oh Danke, Herr Fröbe.
The Duke: I wish you wouldn’t do that.
The Queen: It wasn’t that when you were talking to Melina Mercouri!

Harry: May I now present our golden girl herself, Miss Shirley Eaton.
The Queen: Miss Eaton. How on earth did they cover you with gold paint?
Shirley: With a very small paint brush, Your Majesty. It took ninety minutes. The crew were very helpful too, they were all on set to lend a hand if needed…
The Duke: (To the Queen.) Perhaps we could visit the set next time they’re making one of these films?
The Queen: I thought you said you hated these things, Philip?
The Duke: Umm, well it’s an essential part of one’s role, dear…

Cubby: And here is another of our villains, Mr Harold Sakata:
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Sakata.
Harold: Oddjob, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Well, I suppose you are right. It is, but when one is born to it one really doesn’t have much choice.
Cubby: Shall we go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: But of course.

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Barbel wrote:

2020. (The Silencer & Black Garter. Barbel and Higgins sit at a table by the window.)

Higgins: No, I just don’t get it, Barbel.
Barbel. All right, one more time. (Produces his Corgi model of the Aston Martin DB5.) Now, this is very small. That one (Points out the window at The Bond Experience’s DB5.) is far away. Very small... far away.
Higgins: (Shaking his head.) No, you’ve lost me there.
(Barbel sighs. Thunderbird 2 wanders round the socially distanced tables.)
TB2: Now, who wants a nice cup of tea?
Charmed & Dangerous: No thanks, TB2.
TB2: Aw, go on.
C&D: No, really-
TB2: Go on go on go on go on!
C&D: No, I really-
TB2: Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on!
Barbel: Ssh, you’ll wake Sir Miles.
Sir Miles: (Awoken.) Drink! Drink! Feck!
Number 24: Are you showing a film this evening, TB2?
TB2: Of course- I thought about “Goldfinger” this time.
Thunderpussy: Oh yes, I always like a bit of Pussy.
N24: TP!
Thunderpussy: Why, Pussy Galore of course- what did you think I meant?
Higgins: I like your new hassock, Ted.
(Before Barbel can reply, The Bond Experience pops up.)
TBE: It's not Ted, it's Tom - the Tom Ford "Papal Bull" hassock, briefly seen on Q in 'For Your Eyes Only', made of 100% Nepalese silk-worm silk and featuring the highest thread-count...

(Thanks to C&D for the ending)

I think you’ve captured me perfectly there  ajb007/martini  ajb007/biggrin

YNWA 96

The Unbearables

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Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/biggrin  I am pleased you approve, since you are paying the bill!


Charmed & Dangerous wrote:

This one is another collaboration: The Mighty Barbel feat. C&D (in a purely supporting role):  ajb007/biggrin

Too modest, C&D.

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1979. (On set.)

Gilbert: ...then James Bond comes into your helicopter and you say “Welcome to California, Mr Bond.”
Corinne: And then I take my clothes off, n’est pas?
Gilbert: No, no, you wait for him to say his line then you say “My name is Corinne Dufour.”
Corinne: Ah, and then I take my clothes off.
Gilbert: No, Corinne, you’re just a humble pilot in the service of the Drax Corporation.
Corinne: O.
Moore: Look, Lewis, if she’s really desperate to-
Gilbert: No, just say the lines and let’s shoot the scene.

Gilbert: ...and then you walk up to James Bond and Hugo Drax saying “Am I too soon?”
Corinne: Shall I take my clothes off before I say the line or after?
Gilbert: You don’t take your clothes off at all.
Lonsdale: Are you sure about this, Lewis? I mean it might add a certain je ne sais quoi, don’t you think?
Moore: Yes, I agree.
Gilbert: I’m shooting an “A” certificate film here, gentlemen. Her clothes stay on.

Gilbert: Now, Corinne, James Bond comes into your room and you say “My mother gave me a list of things not to do on a first date.”
Corinne: I see.
Gilbert: And after he says “Why indeed?” he kisses you.
Corinne: And then I-
Gilbert: No, I’ve told you before.
Corinne: But it is very clear that we will make love!
Gilbert: Yes, I know, but we have to imply that rather than make it clear.
Corinne: But on my last movie-
Gilbert: Ah yes, I know about your last movie but we can’t do that here.

Gilbert: It’s your last scene, Corinne. Drax is going to set his vicious dogs on you and they will kill you. You walk up to him saying “You sent for me, Mr Drax?”
Corinne: And the dogs rip my clothes off? Even the boots I am sometimes wearing and sometimes not?
Gilbert: I suppose so. Eventually.

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I know that I’m fairly new here and that it is nearly all men who post. But as woman, I really don’t appreciate the following lines:

TB2: Of course- I thought about “Goldfinger” this time.
Thunderpussy: Oh yes, I always like a bit of Pussy.

The Duke: I read the book of this one, you know? Great characters!
Honor: Oh really, sir?
The Duke: Yes, I’m looking forward to seeing your Pussy.

This thread is fun and I read the posts for escapism and entertainment, sometimes after a difficult day.
Maybe in future a warning could be added at the beginning of a post like this and the words in spoiler tags?

I realise my post won’t be the most popular.

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Apologies, Spy. It's really meant only as a play on words in the same way as Fleming intended when he named the character. No offence intended.