Imaginary conversations (Page 15 of 31)

2012. (A road in the north of Scotland. Two men are in a breakdown truck.)

Timmy: Are you sure you’re reading that Sat Nav correctly?

Charlie: I think so. It says another two miles up this road.

Timmy: When they drew a map of “nowhere”, this is the road they took to get to the middle of it.

Charlie: Yeah, definitely. How’d we get this job, again?

Timmy: Bloke on the phone. Said his car had been damaged and wanted it picked up. Offered a hundred quid.

Charlie: Fair enough. Sat Nav says take this turn here.

Timmy: Ok… Hey, there’s something up this road.

(They drive to the end of the road, park, and get out.)

Charlie: What the hell…?

Timmy: There’s been a building here, but I think it’s been on fire.

Charlie: Maybe even exploded or something.

Timmy: And look there- is that what I think it is?

Charlie: It looks like a part of a helicopter!

Timmy: What the hell? A helicopter?

Charlie: I thought we were sent to pick up a car. I don’t see a car.

Timmy: Let’s look about a bit… Hey, I’ve found a steering wheel!

Charlie: Seems a bit much to send a breakdown truck to pick up a steering wheel.

Timmy: Well, at least we can bring back one piece.

This is great! Love this line "When they drew a map of “nowhere”, this is the road they took to get to the middle of it." 

Barbel, these are awesome!!     

And the award goes to.....

Charmed & Dangerous!!!!

Yes, this is fun!
I especially like collaborating and this one was co-written with Charmed & Dangerous.

1974. (Royal Premiere of “The Man With The Golden Gun”).)

(The limousine draws up. The Queen and the Duke emerge, to be greeted by Harry and Cubby.)

Harry/Cubby: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Cubby: May I present James Bond himself, Mr Roger Moore?
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Moore, how nice to see you again so soon after your last successful appearance as 007.
Roger: Good evening, ma’am. It’s a pleasure as always.
The Duke: Ah, Roger! And who’s after you with this golden gun eh? Jealous agents, outraged husbands, humiliated Scots and Australians?
Roger: Funny you should say that…
Harry: Next is our leading lady, the lovely Miss Britt Ekland.
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Miss Ekland.
Britt: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: In “The Wicker Man”, I thought you were very good.
Britt: Thank you, ma’am.
The Duke: Hmph! In “The Wicker Man” I thought your arse was very good.
The Queen: Philip!
Britt: Oh no, sir, that was not me- that was a body double.
The Duke: Body double, eh?
Britt: Yes, that’s right.
The Duke: ...don’t suppose you’ve got her number?
The Queen: Philip!!!
Harry: Next is our villain, Mr Christopher Lee.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Lee.
Christopher: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: One very much enjoyed watching you on television as Sherlock Holmes.
Christopher: Er, that would be Peter Cushing, ma’am.
The Queen: Oh really? Well, I did enjoy your film where you play Dr Who fighting against the Daleks.
Christopher: (A little nettled.) Again, Peter Cushing, ma’am.
The Queen: Hmmm. However, I am very sure I saw you playing Baron Frankenstein in more than one film, and very good you were too.
Christopher: (Eyes turning red, fangs beginning to grow.) No, ma’am, that was-
The Queen: -Peter Cushing, I see.
The Duke: Let’s move on before he bites you on the neck.
Christopher: Ah, now you’ve got it!
Cubby: May I now present another of our actresses, Mademoiselle Francoise Therry?
The Queen: And who do you play, my dear?
Francoise: Chew Mee.
The Duke: (Leaning back to speak with Roger Moore) I bet you’d like to Roger….
The Queen: PHILIP!!!!!
The Duke: Steady on old girl, I hadn’t finished. I’d bet you’d like to, ah, Roger, have a swift drink with me after?
Roger: I’d love to!
Harry: And here’s another of our villains. May I present Mr Richard Loo.
The Duke: Who?
Richard: Loo.
The Duke: Ooh. And who do you do, Mr Loo Who?
Richard: Hai Fat.
The Duke: Don’t be so hard on yourself, old boy, you’re not fat at all! (Leaning towards The Queen, whispers.) Move on quick dear, this one’s a loon.
Harry: This is the singer of the title song, Lulu.
The Queen: Ah, good evening. Did one not see you at a Royal Command Performance?
Lulu: That’s right, ma’am.
The Queen: And what song did you sing?
Lulu: My first single.
The Queen: What was it called?
Lulu: “Shout”.
The Queen: WHAT WAS IT CALLED?
Lulu: Er, no, ma’am, it was called “Shout”.
Cubby: May I present Monsieur Herve Villechaize?
The Queen: Bonsoir, M. Villechaize.
Herve: Bonsoir, madam. My, how radiant you look in the glow of evening.
The Queen: Why, thank you.
Herve: Such a beautiful monarch I have never had the privilege of being in the presence of.
The Queen: Oh, my. (Blushes.)
Herve: Indeed, one had heard of your magnificence but nothing compares to seeing you for oneself.
The Queen: (Giggles girlishly.)
Herve: Perhaps after the premiere, you and I could meet for a small drink together?
The Queen: Well, I-
The Duke: Elizabeth!!!

1965. (Nassau. Desmond Llewelyn arrives on set.)

Desmond: Morning, Terence!
Terence: Ah, good morning Desmond.
Desmond: Morning, Sean!
Sean: Good morning, Deshmond.
Desmond: Well, here I am all ready to go. Got my lines all learned, got the costume. So, where do you want me to stand, Terence?
Terence: Ah yes, well, you see, you’re here as “rainy day cover”, Desmond.
Desmond: Rainy day cover?
Terence: Yes, we have to take advantage of the sunlight as much as we can to make sure the scenes match up. Your set is prepared so that when there is rain or heavy clouds we can move indoors and shoot the scene where you give Sean the gadgets.
Desmond: But we’re in the Bahamas!  It never rains here!
Terence: That’s not quite true, but we have to be prepared for when it does.
Desmond: So what have I to do?
Terence: Just take it easy- I’m sure you will enjoy yourself here.

(A week later.)
Desmond: Are you ready for me yet, Terence?
Terence: No, we’re still shooting scenes on beaches. Don’t worry, we’ll make sure that you don’t miss your cue.
Desmond: Oh, very funny.

(A week later.)
Desmond: (On phone.) ...no, darling, I still don’t know… could be any time, I’ve just to stay on standby… oh, lying in the sun, going for walks… yes, I’m sure you would.. well, I didn’t know, did I?… yes, love you too.

(A week later.)
Sean: Hey, look up at the shky Terence.
Terence: What’s that? Oh, yes, it’s a cloud!
Assistant: Do you want me to call for Mr Llewelyn, Mr Young?
Terence: No, wait- it’s going away again. Right, positions everyone!

(A week later.)
Terence: It’s raining! Send for Desmond!
(A flustered Desmond arrives on set.)
Desmond: Ah, at last!
Terence: Wait a minute- you’re brown as a berry!
Desmond: Well of course I am, I’ve been lying about in the sun waiting for you to send for me.
Terence: But Q has only just arrived from London- we’ll have to make you up to look paler.
Desmond: But… but…
Terence: Off to make-up with you!
(One hour later.)
Desmond: Right, here I am, all made-up and ready to go.
Terence: Yes, that looks much better.
Assistant: Sun’s shining again, Mr Young.
(Desmond groans.)
Terence: Okay, everyone back to the beach! Except you, Desmond, back to the hotel.
Desmond: ...again?

(A week later.)
Desmond: Finally- rain!
Terence: Right, positions everyone… and action!
Desmond: Now pay attention, 007, I’ve got this… this… er...
Terence: Cut! I thought you knew the lines, Desmond!
Desmond: Well, I did when I arrived.
Terence: No problems- we’ll just get the...  Q cards.

2020. (The Silencer & Black Garter. Barbel and Higgins sit at a table by the window.)

Higgins: No, I just don’t get it, Barbel.
Barbel. All right, one more time. (Produces his Corgi model of the Aston Martin DB5.) Now, this is very small. That one (Points out the window at The Bond Experience’s DB5.) is far away. Very small... far away.
Higgins: (Shaking his head.) No, you’ve lost me there.
(Barbel sighs. Thunderbird 2 wanders round the socially distanced tables.)
TB2: Now, who wants a nice cup of tea?
Charmed & Dangerous: No thanks, TB2.
TB2: Aw, go on.
C&D: No, really-
TB2: Go on go on go on go on!
C&D: No, I really-
TB2: Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on!
Barbel: Ssh, you’ll wake Sir Miles.
Sir Miles: (Awoken.) Drink! Drink! Feck!
Number 24: Are you showing a film this evening, TB2?
TB2: Of course- I thought about “Goldfinger” this time.
Thunderpussy: Oh yes, I always like a bit of Pussy.
N24: TP!
Thunderpussy: Why, Pussy Galore of course- what did you think I meant?
Higgins: I like your new hassock, Ted.
(Before Barbel can reply, The Bond Experience pops up.)
TBE: It's not Ted, it's Tom - the Tom Ford "Papal Bull" hassock, briefly seen on Q in 'For Your Eyes Only', made of 100% Nepalese silk-worm silk and featuring the highest thread-count...

(Thanks to C&D for the ending)

I think you’ve captured me perfectly there   

1979. (On set.)

Gilbert: ...then James Bond comes into your helicopter and you say “Welcome to California, Mr Bond.”
Corinne: And then I take my clothes off, n’est pas?
Gilbert: No, no, you wait for him to say his line then you say “My name is Corinne Dufour.”
Corinne: Ah, and then I take my clothes off.
Gilbert: No, Corinne, you’re just a humble pilot in the service of the Drax Corporation.
Corinne: O.
Moore: Look, Lewis, if she’s really desperate to-
Gilbert: No, just say the lines and let’s shoot the scene.

Gilbert: ...and then you walk up to James Bond and Hugo Drax saying “Am I too soon?”
Corinne: Shall I take my clothes off before I say the line or after?
Gilbert: You don’t take your clothes off at all.
Lonsdale: Are you sure about this, Lewis? I mean it might add a certain je ne sais quoi, don’t you think?
Moore: Yes, I agree.
Gilbert: I’m shooting an “A” certificate film here, gentlemen. Her clothes stay on.

Gilbert: Now, Corinne, James Bond comes into your room and you say “My mother gave me a list of things not to do on a first date.”
Corinne: I see.
Gilbert: And after he says “Why indeed?” he kisses you.
Corinne: And then I-
Gilbert: No, I’ve told you before.
Corinne: But it is very clear that we will make love!
Gilbert: Yes, I know, but we have to imply that rather than make it clear.
Corinne: But on my last movie-
Gilbert: Ah yes, I know about your last movie but we can’t do that here.

Gilbert: It’s your last scene, Corinne. Drax is going to set his vicious dogs on you and they will kill you. You walk up to him saying “You sent for me, Mr Drax?”
Corinne: And the dogs rip my clothes off? Even the boots I am sometimes wearing and sometimes not?
Gilbert: I suppose so. Eventually.