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Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol Fantastic effort all round, gents!!

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

752

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

753

Re: Imaginary conversations

Thanks to Barbel for coming up with all the best lines on this collaboration:

1962. What will become Eon HQ.

Harry: Say Cubby, now that we have the rights, let’s make the film. First, we need to find a star. Cary Grant?
Cubby: He’ll only commit to one picture. And we’ve bought the rights to just about all of the books.
Harry: Patrick McGoohan?
Cubby: Seems he won’t be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered 007.
Harry: Hmmm. David Niven? Roger Moore?
Cubby: Can’t see that ever happening. And Roger? His hair’s brown, bit too light. Imagine a blond Bond, haha!
Harry: Over my dead body!
Cubby: Mine too! Maybe we ought to try that fella with the funny accent again? Sean Who-sis?
Harry: Connery? Yeah, perfect casting, I’m sure he’ll sign for a few pics, and he’ll be a pussycat when it comes to negotiating future fees, eh. (Pauses) Say Cubby, what did you think of the book?
Cubby: I loved it, Harry. You?
Harry: Nah, think there are some things we could change.
Cubby: Change? Like what?
Harry: That giant squid has got to go. There’s no way we can do that on the budget we have.
Cubby: Ok, you’re right there. We’ll have to think of something else to end the movie.
Harry: And the part where the girl comes out of the sea naked- NO WAY are we going to get away with that.
Cubby: Again, I give you that. We’ll just have to have her wear a bikini.
Harry: Now, we’re wanting to use James Bond’s friend Felix Leiter regularly but he isn’t in this book. I think he should go in.
Cubby: You’re right, Harry, in he goes.
Harry: And the character Miss Taro- I think she should have a much larger part in the film than the book, maybe try to seduce Bond into some kind of trap.
Cubby: Right again, Harry, that’s a great idea.
Harry: There should definitely be a car chase.
Cubby: Car chase, yes, I agree.
Harry: We should first meet James Bond in a casino, playing cards with some beautiful lady.
Cubby: Harry, what can I say, you’re right again.
Harry: And Dr No should be a monkey sitting on the villain’s shoulder.
Cubby: What????

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Re: Imaginary conversations

You're too modest, C&D.  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

755

Re: Imaginary conversations

1965. A road in Northern France. Bond stands patiently beside his car. An AA van draws up.

L’homme d’AA: Hello, monsieur.
James: Hello, there.
AA: Ah, you are English!
James: It’s close enough. Thank you for attending.
AA: So, you have, how you say, telephoned us about your car.
James: Yes, it appears that it won’t start.
AA: And what a beautiful car you have, sir. An Aston Martin- DB4, I think?
James: DB5.
AA: So! If you would just pop the bonnet open, I shall take a look.
(James opens the bonnet.)
AA: Hmm, it would seem very crowded under here, n’est pas?
James: Er, I’ve had some optional extras installed.
AA: I do not recognize this machinery here-
James: Please, don’t touch that! It’s, ah, an experimental model.
AA: Oh, I see. And this here?
James: It’s a prototype.... yes… a prototype.
AA: If you would be kind enough to get in and start the engine, s’il vous plait.
James: One moment…. There. (Nothing happens.)
AA: Hm, you appear to be right.
James: (Aside.) ...Thank you…
AA: Please, just give me a few minutes.
(James wanders away and lights a Morlands cigarette. After a few moments-)
AA: Ah, I think I have found what is wrong! (Adjusts a few wires.) Et voila!
(He climbs into the car.)
AA: Now, let me just try her in gear. Hmm, what is this?
James: (Quickly.) Whatever you do, don’t….  Ah. Oh, well....

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Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  A common problem with those DB5s, evidently ... ajb007/biggrin

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/smile  I had some car troubles yesterday and this came to mind.

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Re: Imaginary conversations

I sincerely hope your AA man didn't come a cropper with your DB5, Barbel...  ajb007/amazed

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Re: Imaginary conversations

In my head I had to remember AA is your version of AAA. As an American I see AA and usually think Alcoholics Anonymous, which puts an interesting spin on the skit.   ajb007/amazed  ajb007/lol

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Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  Well, that would be an idea for one of these....  Any takers?

Alas, not a DB5 C&D, just a Mondeo.

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Re: Imaginary conversations

2002. M's office.

M is speaking with Q on her intercom, as Miranda Frost, the beautiful blonde cryptographer, enters. M waves her a seat as she finishes up her conversation.

M: ... Well, he no longer drives a Lotus. (She snaps the intercom to the off position, and smiles up at her guest). So: tell me what you know about him.
(Miranda settles herself, and addresses M thoughtfully).
Miranda: He's wild one, as I discovered today. He'll light fuses on any explosive situation and be a danger to himself and others. Kill first, ask questions later. He's a blunt instrument, whose primary method is to provoke and confront.
M: Go on.
Miranda: A man nobody can get close to. A womaniser.
M: Well, you're going to be seeing a lot more of him in Iceland.
Miranda: Iceland?
M: Yes. Graves has a huge diamond mine there. You must know this, you've been working with the man for three months. So I'm sending you and Bond there.
Miranda: Bond? I thought you said.... I thought you were talking about POTUS...

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol
I must admit, I wondered where you were going with that one till the last word. Well played!

763

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol
Great twist at the end!

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Re: Imaginary conversations

1962. (CTS Recording Studio, London.)

Producer: Right then, John, so we’re all here to record this tune which has been completely written by Monty Norman.
John Barry: That’s right, this tune was entirely written by Monty Norman for a movie called “Dr No”.
Producer: Oh right, I’ve read the book. So, this is the first James Bond film and Monty Norman has totally written this tune for it.
JB: Yes, it’s a theme for James Bond and was wholly written by Monty Norman.
Producer: So, how do you hear the musical arrangement for this tune, which was unquestionably written by Monty Norman?
JB: Well, I thought the first part could be on guitar and then we bring in the brass for this tune which was absolutely written by Monty Norman.
Producer: Then I guess that Vic Flick will be playing guitar on this tune, which was categorically written by Monty Norman?
JB: Of course, as usual. Vic, please have a look at the music for this tune which was definitely written by Monty Norman.
Vic Flick: Sure, John. (Examines the music score, picks out a few notes on his guitar.) Hey, this is quite like your tunes “Beat Girl” or “Bees Knees”.
JB: No, Vic, that must be a coincidence. This tune was unqualifiedly written by Monty Norman.
Vic: But-
JB: (Aside.) Later, Vic, later. (Aloud.) Ready, guys, let’s go for a take on my- damn, I mean this tune which was certainly written by Monty Norman. Let’s get ready- and a 1, 2, 3, 4….





(The producer, with whom I corresponded before his passing, was called John Burgess but I left him anonymous here to avoid confusion with John Barry during this completely imaginary conversation about the recording of a tune that was undeniably written by Monty Norman. Absolutely.)

765

Re: Imaginary conversations

1999. (Moe's Tavern, Springfield.)

(The telephone rings.)
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Voice: Is Molly there?
Moe: Who?
Voice: Molly. Second name Warmflash.
Moe: I dunno, I'll see. Hey guys, I'm looking for a Molly, Molly Warmflash.
(Homer, Barney and company begin to laugh.)
Moe: I want a Warmflash!
(The laughter gets louder as Moe realizes.)
Moe: Listen you piece of crap.  when I get holda you I'm gonna bounce you like a ball!
(In a home not far away, two children laugh uproariously as they put the phone down.)

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Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  Unquestionably, categorically, definitively excellent!

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

767

Re: Imaginary conversations

1956. At the door of a fashionable flat in Mayfair.

Anne: Now, behave yourself tonight, Ian.
Ian: What? I always behave myself at these parties.
Anne: Try not to drink too much.
Ian: I’m sorry, I don’t understand.
Anne: I said, try not-
Ian: Oh, I heard you, I just don’t understand the concept.
Anne: Well, just don’t do what you did last time.
Ian: Last time? What do you mean?
Anne: When you had a bit too much and patted the wife of the Home Secretary on her-

(The door opens.)
Hostess: Anne, Ian, how lovely to see you!
Anne: You too! (They blow air kisses.)
Hostess: Do come in, do come in.
(The Flemings enter.)
Anne: How lovely, you must introduce me to some of your guests.
Hostess: Of course, of course. Ian, the bar’s over there. (She’s met him before.)
Ian: Thank you.

(He wanders over to the drinks, where he serves himself his usual. Two chinless wonders are there.)
1st Man: Hello, you’ll be Anne’s husband then?
Ian: That’s right, the name’s-
2nd Man: (Interrupting.) The one who writes those dreadful books!
Ian: Dreadful?
2nd Man: I read your last one- some rich chap called Drax and a missile called Moonraker. Total nonsense.
Ian: Well, if-
1st Man: Oh yes, I read one once. Or started to, anyway. Something about a casino. Couldn’t finish it.
2nd Man: They’re all about the same character, now what was his name…?
Fleming: Bond. (Lights cigarette.) James Bond.
1st Man: That’s right. What’s the next one going to be about?
Ian: Diamond smuggling. Starts in Africa, moves to Las Vegas.
2nd Man: Sounds terrible! Oh by the way, I’m Mr Kidd. And this is Mr Wint.
Fleming: (Writing that down in a small notebook.) I see. Perhaps you might find my next book a bit more interesting.

(Ian walks away, drink in hand. He is approached by the hostess.)
Hostess: Ian, come with me. there’s a most interesting man you simply have to meet.
(She introduces them.)
Hostess: Erno, this is Ian. Ian, this is Erno.
Erno: Hello, I believe you’re Anne’s husband?
Ian: Yes, that’s right.
Erno: Write books, I’m told.
Ian: Yes, that’s true. What do you do?
Erno: I’m an architect myself.
Ian: How interesting.
Erno: It most certainly is. Man has climbed Mount Everest, gone to the bottom of the ocean. He has fired rockets to the moon. Split the atom. Achieved miracles in every field of human endeavour… except architecture! But I shall see to that!
Ian: Well, I-
Erno: Here, take my card. You can call me and if I have the time, perhaps I can design a building for you. A building that will live longer than any of your terrible books! I shall be famous!
Ian: (Reading the card.) Oh I have no doubt that you shall be very famous, Mr Goldfinger.






(I've played with the facts just a bit... well, quite a lot actually)

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Re: Imaginary conversations

Barbel wrote:

(I've played with the facts just a bit... well, quite a lot actually)

How could you! No-one else ever does that.....  ajb007/biggrin

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Re: Imaginary conversations

I knew about Arno Goldfinger, but had no idea about Wint and Kidd. Inspired and informative!  ajb007/cheers

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

770

Re: Imaginary conversations

Kidd's name was originally "Gore", and Fleming didn't really run into him at a party. "Boofy" Gore was Anne's cousin and friendly with Ian. He was outraged to discover his name given to a hitman, causing Fleming to apologize and change the name to Kidd. (I believe some early edition or editions of DAF still have the name as Gore and are probably worth a pound or two. I checked, mine doesn't  ajb007/crap )
Told you I wasn't aiming for accuracy!
Similarly, the real Goldfinger complained when the novel was published, but settled for a few free copies of the book and the "All characters are fictional etc" line.
There's much more about this in Silhouette Man's Bondologist Blog, if anyone is interested.

771

Re: Imaginary conversations

ajb007/cheers Great stuff as always, gentlemen  ajb007/cheers

Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.

772

Re: Imaginary conversations

1922. Eton, England. A young Fleming is walking along unconcernedly, when suddenly an older, larger boy walks in front of him.

Boy: Stop right there, Fleming.
Fleming: What do you want?
Boy: Oh, you know what I want. Turn out your pockets! (Fleming hesitates.) Now!
(Grudgingly Fleming empties his pockets.)
Boy: I’ll just take that money.
Fleming: You took my money last week.
Boy: And I’ll take it again. Now what do we have here? Cigarettes at your age? Tut tut tut! And with three gold bands no less.
Fleming: Take them, just go away and leave me alone.
Boy: No, what else have you got there? Let me see!
Fleming: No, I-
(The boy snatches a letter from Fleming’s hand.)
Boy: What’s this? “Tonight, wait till after eight.” And sealed with a lipsticked kiss! Who’s this from, then?
(Fleming stays silent as the boy shakes him.)
Boy: I’ll find out anyway. Now, what do we have… a gun? You’ve got a gun? (He examines the powerful weapon more closely.) Oh, a water pistol.
Fleming: Now just go away and leave-
Boy: No chance! What’s this….? A hip flask?
(He opens it up and drinks as Fleming looks on, then spits his mouthful on the ground.)
Boy: Ugh- it’s lemonade!
Fleming: What did you expect, vodka martini? I’m still only fourteen!
Boy: Get more money, Fleming, and I’ll see you next week- you better have it!
(The bully leaves.)
Fleming: You’ll regret this. You’re going to regret this one day, Scaramanga.

773

Re: Imaginary conversations

Written with Charmed & Dangerous.



1983. (The Kremlin. General Gogol sits in his office. The intercom buzzes.)
Gogol: Yes?
Rublevitch: (On intercom.) Your guests are here, Comrade General.
https://i.postimg.cc/BLPyS1LN/rublevitch.jpg
Gogol: Thank you, please show them in, Rublevitch… or is it Rubavitch?
Rublevitch: Yes, confusing isn’t it, Comrade General? (Pauses.) I will show them in now.
(Two guards enter.)
1st Guard: Good morning, Comrade General Gogol …or is it Morzeny?
https://i.postimg.cc/9DcvdMKF/gogol.jpghttps://i.postimg.cc/GHvCP6pz/morzeny.jpg
Gogol: Yes, confusing, isn’t it? Good morning to you both. Today is the regular inspection of the Kremlin Art Depository, and I would like you to accompany me.
2nd Guard: Of course, Comrade General, but this is merely a routine inspection. Surely there is no need for the head of the KGB to participate?
Gogol: Nevertheless, I think I should go along this time. I shall be accompanied by a guest.


(Later, at the Kremlin Art Depository. Gogol enters with the guards and another man.)
Gogol: Comrade Lenkin, greetings.
https://i.postimg.cc/nspcQpYv/lenkin.jpg
Lenkin: (Nervously.) Greetings, Comrade General.
Gogol: Of course you know Comrade Borchoi, the curator of the Hermitage. He just arrived from Leningrad. (Picks up a piece of jewellery.) The Romanov Star.
https://i.postimg.cc/Vd0Nx7kb/op-crowd.jpg
Borchoi: (Examining it.) The Romanov Star….
(He drops it to the floor and grinds it to dust under his heel.)
Gogol: Can you explain this, Lenkin?
Lenkin: Oops. Ah… er, tin shortages in the Soviet Union, Comrade?… er, the real one is on loan to General Koskov, who’s pawned it for a few days? ...er, Comrade Borchoi is wearing stripper heels?
Gogol: Enough! I have in mind the perfect punishment for you.
Lenkin: Comrade, please give me a second chance… I promise, no more boobs!
Gogol: Funny you should say that… alas, no.
Lenkin: You….you are going to have me shot?
Gogol: Worse than that. You shall be demoted to the rank of supervisor, at an oil pipeline in Bratislava!
https://i.postimg.cc/MXvZBsRr/tld-supervisor.jpg
Lenkin: No!
Gogol: ...though there may be some compensations.

https://i.postimg.cc/JGX16GpN/tld-julie.jpg
https://i.postimg.cc/LJMmr2Wr/tld-julie-and-supervisor.jpg

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Re: Imaginary conversations

CoolHandBond wrote:

ajb007/cheers Great stuff as always, gentlemen  ajb007/cheers

Thank you, CHB!