The James Bond Joke Thread

Gadget MeisterGadget Meister Bicester, OxonPosts: 1,972MI6 Agent
There must be loads of jokes centred around our favourite hero, submit your offerings here. I'll start the ball rolling with a particularly poor effort.

If james Bond took Viagra, would that make him Roger Moore?


I'll get my hat and coat

Comments

  • thesecretagentthesecretagent CornwallPosts: 2,151MI6 Agent
    Taxi!
    Amazon #1 Bestselling Author. If you enjoy crime, espionage, action and fast-moving thrillers follow this link:

    http://apbateman.com
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,053Chief of Staff
    From last week's "I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue" -

    Question- What's the definition of "lambshank"?

    Answer- Sean Connery's sheep has drowned...
  • JADE66JADE66 Posts: 238MI6 Agent
    Question: What would happen if you crossed 007 with Lassie?

    Answer: After he shot you he'd run for help. ;%
  • Sir Hillary BraySir Hillary Bray College of ArmsPosts: 2,174MI6 Agent
    Bond is sitting at a bar in his tux, nursing a vodka martini, when a stunning brunette sits at the empty barstool to his left and confidently orders a vodka martini of her own.

    BOND: I admire your choice, Miss...?

    BRUNETTE: Conda. Anna Conda. [Looks at Bond's left hand]. I admire your wristwatch, Mr...?

    BOND: Bond, James Bond. Thanks, it's an Omega. A remarkable feat of engineering, if I may say so -- I designed it myself.

    BRUNETTE [coldly and objectively]: Oh please, do tell.

    BOND: Well Anna, in addition to telling the time, it's a geiger counter, a powerful magnet, and a saw that can slice through rope.

    BRUNETTE [still unimpressed]: All you are saying may be true. Go on.

    BOND: Best of all, it has a high-definition video camera that can store up to 12 hours of footage.

    BRUNETTE: I don't believe you.

    BOND: Fine, I'll prove it to you. Tell me about...oh, your dress. [Bond positions the watch so that the camera is focused on Anna, and proceeds to record 60 seconds of footage as Anna describes her clothing.]

    BOND: OK, let's see the recording. [Bond hits the playback, which to both of their surprise shows 60 seconds of Anna naked in bed making bedroom eyes and lascivious gestures to the camera].

    BRUNETTE [horrified]: You presume a great deal, Mr. Bond. What the hell was that?!?

    BOND [tapping the watch, annoyed]: Oh bloody hell, damn thing's an hour fast.
    Hilly...you old devil!
  • Ricardo C.Ricardo C. Posts: 916MI6 Agent
    Pussy Galore's name before she lost her virginity was Pussy Tight. :p
  • scaramangasgoldengunscaramangasgoldengun ScotlandPosts: 1,388MI6 Agent
    I dont know any Bond Jokes or even heard of any

    but i thought this may make some of you laugh,

    from the AMAZING Family Guy :))

    More persuasive than James Bond !!!! classic

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70Bk8d6agN8
  • CJ007GoldeneyeCJ007Goldeneye LondonPosts: 587MI6 Agent
    What is james bonds fav time of time of year? 'Bond' fire night!
  • scaramangasgoldengunscaramangasgoldengun ScotlandPosts: 1,388MI6 Agent
    If Odd Job Did'nt work for Goldfinger

    and he worked for Blofeld

    He would be called Blo Job :))

    :p
  • Tokyo MattTokyo Matt Posts: 99MI6 Agent
    Well past it, but still dashingly handsome Roger Moore walked on set for a scene in his last bond movie.

    A sexy dark haired female agent was sitting at the bar with a long cool drink.

    The lighting was seductive, the music was sensual, the scene was perfect.

    Roger looked excellent, suave, sophisticated. Golden brown tan, tall and slim impressive physique. He glided elegantly through the club.

    He caught the eye of every woman there. But he was aiming for the sexy female agent. She could not help but glance at him and her eyes betrayed her interest in the elegant, handsome figure.

    He took the seat next took hers and ordered his usual vodka martini.

    He waited till it was served, took a sip and placed his glass back on the counter.

    He was aware that the lady agent could not help but furtively check him out in the mirror behind the bar.

    He turned to her, their eyes met, he asked

    "Do I come here often?"
  • danjaq_0ffdanjaq_0ff The SwampsPosts: 7,283MI6 Agent
    If Odd Job Did'nt work for Goldfinger

    and he worked for Blofeld

    He would be called Blo Job :))

    :p


    :)) :))
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,699MI6 Agent
    Sean connery came over to my flat one day and offered to put up the IKEA shelf I had resently bought. When he was finished i put some of my things on it, the shelf collapsed and my things crashed down on the floor. Connery looked on me with mournfull eyes and said:"I am aschamed of myschelf."
  • Tokyo MattTokyo Matt Posts: 99MI6 Agent
    Posted a joke myself, but I agree with Mr. danjaq_off.

    The "Blo Job joke", best thus far.

    Mr Number24's "myschelf joke" a close second. Close, but no cigar.
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,792MI6 Agent
    Connery phoned me saying he would be calling around "Tenish" I told him I knew nothing about the Game. :#
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,792MI6 Agent
    In FRWL,
    On the train Bond and Titiana sleeping on Bunks

    " I'm cold Titiana, could you reach up and get me another Blanket "
    " I've a better Idea James, Why don't we pretend we're a Married couple?"
    " That's a wonderful Idea Darling "
    " Ok, then Get up and get your own F***ing Blanket !"
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • Tokyo MattTokyo Matt Posts: 99MI6 Agent
    Not so much a Bond joke as a Blond joke.
    (Did you see what I did there with the Bond/Blond thing? Wordmanship worthy of Mr. Thunderpussy himself.)

    Bond and a female blond agent, 0036C, had to decipher some secret agent type message.

    Blond agent whipped her small, slimline computer out of her Rolex handbag. She typed in the
    password : Mickey_Donald_Huey_Luey_Dewey_Goofey_Pluto_Washington.

    "What kind of a password is that?" asked Bond.

    Agent Blond replied "Q told me my password should contain at least 7 characters and a capital."
  • thesecretagentthesecretagent CornwallPosts: 2,151MI6 Agent
    "Oh come on Moneypenny, come to bed with me..."
    "No James!" She sighs, "I know you special forces types. You'll be in and out before I know anything about it..."
    Amazon #1 Bestselling Author. If you enjoy crime, espionage, action and fast-moving thrillers follow this link:

    http://apbateman.com
  • Alec 006Alec 006 Sydney, AustraliaPosts: 211MI6 Agent
    "Oh come on Moneypenny, come to bed with me..."
    "No James!" She sighs, "I know you special forces types. You'll be in and out before I know anything about it..."

    Very neat TSA, especially in these times of Navy SEAL team six… -{
    Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
    Oscar Wilde
  • FlightyFlighty Southampton , EnglandPosts: 200MI6 Agent
    My dog has just eaten my entire James Bond Blu Ray collection!!! Luckily I managed to beat The Living Daylights out of him!! (No dog was harmed in the making of this joke)
    Last rat standing.
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,792MI6 Agent
    :)) :)) :))
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • Absolutely_CartAbsolutely_Cart NJ/NYC, United StatesPosts: 1,740MI6 Agent
    Sean Connery was so fat in DAF, he had to iron his pants on the driveway.
  • always shakenalways shaken LondonPosts: 6,287MI6 Agent
    Q is showing Bond ,the new gadgets in his new Aston Martin ,
    "here is the button that activates the machine guns,"
    press this button and it will spill oil onto the road " turn this one,and it will produce a Chinese cooking utensil,"good god exclaims Bond, are you sure, "I never joke about my wok replies Q .
    By the way, did I tell you, I was "Mad"?
  • AlphaOmegaSinAlphaOmegaSin EnglandPosts: 10,924MI6 Agent
    Bond still has yet to learn what Condoms are :D
    1.On Her Majesties Secret Service 2.The Living Daylights 3.license To Kill 4.The Spy Who Loved Me 5.Goldfinger
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,358MI6 Agent
    Bond's favourite treat at Christmas time? Mince spies. :007)
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • MilleniumForceMilleniumForce LondonPosts: 1,214MI6 Agent
    (Alternate TND scene)

    Bond: Will I need any other protection?
    Q: Only if you don't want any more children, 007.
    1.LTK 2.AVTAK 3.OP 4.FYEO 5.TND 6.LALD 7.GE 8.GF 9.TSWLM 10.SPECTRE 11.SF 12.MR 13.YOLT 14.TLD 15.CR (06) 16.TMWTGG 17.TB 18.FRWL 19.TWINE 20.OHMSS 21.DAF 22.DAD 23.QoS 24.NSNA 25.DN 26.CR (67)
  • chrisisallchrisisall Western Mass, USAPosts: 9,061MI6 Agent
    centrifugal_force.png
    Dalton & Connery rule. Brozz was cool.
    #1.TLD/LTK 2.TND 3.GF 4.GE 5.DN 6.FYEO 7.FRWL 8.TMWTGG 9.TWINE 10.YOLT/QOS
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,358MI6 Agent
    Apologies in advance for the rude word:

    C8-F501-D1-113-D-4440-AD79-B175-CD8-E1-E09.jpg
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • chrisno1chrisno1 LondonPosts: 3,172MI6 Agent
    :)) :)) :))
Sign In or Register to comment.