"Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

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  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,644MI6 Agent
    The landlord of a pub sees two workmen eating their lunch of home-made sandwiches when he warns them, "You can't eat your own food in here!" At this the two workmen swap each other's sandwiches.
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • DrydenDryden UKPosts: 131MI6 Agent
    Man walks into the Olympics holding a really long stick and is stopped by security.

    "Excuse me" says the guard "are you a pole vaulter"

    "No" replies the man "I'm German and how did you know my name was Vaulter?"
  • DrydenDryden UKPosts: 131MI6 Agent
    A man is having his balls examined at the doctors.

    "Don't worry" says the doctor "it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure"

    "But I haven't got an erection" protests the patient.

    "No" says the doctor "but I have"
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    Tesco's are launching a new range of burgers, low in fat but apparently high in shergar....
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,792MI6 Agent
    "My Lidl Pony "
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    The Mrs is doing a special meal tonight, my favourite prawn cocktail for a starter and tesco burgers for the mane course.
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,644MI6 Agent
    edited January 2013
    Yes, take those horses back to the stables and give them a kiss. :))
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,644MI6 Agent
    edited January 2013
    I went into Tescos this morning and seeing that the meat in the dairy section was very much depleted, I asked a member of staff about why this was so. He replied "We have NEIGHHH! burgers". [Scotland/Northern Ireland "nay" meaning "no", for the uninitiated!]

    Hence, it's a joke!
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    Went to get me tesco burgers out the freezer, but THEY'RE OFF!!
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,644MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:
    Went to get me tesco burgers out the freezer, but THEY'RE OFF!!

    Ha! :)) :)) :))
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    Tesco meatballs really are the dog's bollocks.
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,644MI6 Agent
    edited January 2013
    An antiquated joke from Punch satirical magazine (or the London Charivari), November 29th 1922, p. 505:

    QUESTIONS THAT REQUIRE NO ANSWER

    [Sketch of a man being held up by a burglar with a revolver]

    The Burglar: "What would yer say if I was ter blow yer 'ead orf?"
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,884MI6 Agent
    Want anything on ya tesco burger?

    Yeah, 5 quid each way
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,644MI6 Agent
    In Ireland there were snakes everywhere. There were snakes in the morning, snakes at night, snakes on the plain. St. Patrick came along and he said "I've got rid of all the snakes for you" and I said to him, "What snakes would that be, Patrick, ye dirt-walloping bastard ye"
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,644MI6 Agent
    My name's Bond...Basildon Bond. I've got letters after my name!
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,644MI6 Agent
    Len Deighton has revealed he will publish a new spy novel set in the seedy world of the criminal gangs that put condemned meat into the foodchain, it's going to be called Horse Under Burger.
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,644MI6 Agent
    Those new Findus burgers - never again - they give you the trots!
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,417Chief of Staff
    Those new Findus burgers - never again - they give you the trots!

    And now served with Champion the wonder sauce ;)
    YNWA 97
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,644MI6 Agent
    I've just been on a once in a lifetime world tour - I tell you, never again!
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,417Chief of Staff
    I've just been on a once in a lifetime world tour - I tell you, never again!

    Someone has got a Tim Vine dvd... ;)
    YNWA 97
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,644MI6 Agent
    Sir Miles wrote:
    I've just been on a once in a lifetime world tour - I tell you, never again!

    Someone has got a Tim Vine dvd... ;)

    Was that who it was...well, it just goes to show nobody's indestructible!
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,417Chief of Staff
    Yes it was.
    YNWA 97
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,644MI6 Agent
    Sir Miles wrote:
    Yes it was.

    I don't actually own the DVD in question - think I saw it on TV a while back as the "funniest joke ever".
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,417Chief of Staff
    It wasn't...but it was another Tim Vine gag.
    YNWA 97
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,644MI6 Agent
    Yes, I'm orf the Stewart Lee school of comedy - three jokes per BBC2 late night six-part series! :))
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,417Chief of Staff
    And I'm from the Lee Mack school of comedy...cheeky Northern chap...but can't get the girl :(
    YNWA 97
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,644MI6 Agent
    Sir Miles wrote:
    And I'm from the Lee Mack school of comedy...cheeky Northern chap...but can't get the girl :(

    Neither can I, not sure we're missing much. Roll over. This camp bed's too small... :))
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,417Chief of Staff
    Sir Miles wrote:
    And I'm from the Lee Mack school of comedy...cheeky Northern chap...but can't get the girl :(

    Neither can I, not sure we're missing much. Roll over. This camp bed's too small... :))

    Then you've never met the girls I have B-)
    YNWA 97
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,644MI6 Agent
    Sir Miles wrote:
    Sir Miles wrote:
    And I'm from the Lee Mack school of comedy...cheeky Northern chap...but can't get the girl :(

    Neither can I, not sure we're missing much. Roll over. This camp bed's too small... :))

    Then you've never met the girls I have B-)

    Oh, I've met 'em all - bitches mostly!
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,417Chief of Staff
    Sir Miles wrote:

    Neither can I, not sure we're missing much. Roll over. This camp bed's too small... :))

    Then you've never met the girls I have B-)

    Oh, I've met 'em all - bitches mostly!

    You'd better stick with your camp bed then :))
    YNWA 97
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