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Re: AJB presents William Shakespeare's James Bond in...

Sir James 25- Never Say Mango Again  Uncompleted- based on what little we know 26th April 2019

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Act 1, Scene 1. A secluded beach hut. The undertaker's wind blows softly. Sir James and Maid Madeleine lie in bed.

Maid Madeleine: Oh, Sir James, the life this most surely ist.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so. (They kiss.) Mmmm...
Maid Madeleine: Is that the undertaker's wind?
Sir James: Nay, 'tis just those beans I had for dinner.
Maid Madeleine: I didst warn thee about that.
Sir James: Thine love doth eclipse all others.
Maid Madeleine: And we have all the time in-
Sir James: Hush now, do not say these words!
(There ist a knock on ye door. Enter Lord Felix.)
Maid Madeleine: Careful, that door is broken. It has caused many a shatter'd hand.
Lord Felix: Entering your manor is seldom without risico, Sir James.
Sir James: Lord Felix! Most pleased I am to see thee.
Lord Felix: Greetings, Sir James, I take it thou art rested and relaxed?
Sir James: Aye, I am glad to say you are Wright.
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Lord Felix: Many are glad that I am Wright.
Maid Madeleine: I hope thou did not take note of our modest garden. Nothing will grow there- 'tis truly a garden of death.
Sir James: Only last month our gardener Hildebrand was a rarity in these parts. Now he has become a regular Death Collector of our plants. But what brings you here, Lord Felix?
Lord Felix: I have come to ask for thine help with a most important matter. An alchemist of great renown has gone missing, and I request thine help in finding him.
Sir James: Nay, I would rather slit my wrists.
Lord Felix: I do not believe thou means that.
Sir James: Hmmm...
Maid Madeleine: Nay! Thou must stay here with me!
Sir James: 'Twill not take long, my love, and then we shalt have all the time in the-
Maid Madeleine: Hush!!! Do not say those words!
Lord Felix: Forgive my asking, but you're my best friend- now that you are retired, Sir James, have you been given a new title from Her Majesty?
Sir James: I am still waiting for a new title. Only days ago was there a ceremony held at old Sir Ian's manor. All believed my new title would  be announced. Alas two new Ladies in Waiting was all that was revealed. Still, God save the Queen.
Maid Madeleine: Both Sir James and I were present. Sir James likes to attend ceremonies where young ladies are uncovered.
Lord Felix: No change there, then. Shall we go?
Maid Madeleine: Sir James- keep yourself alive.
Sir James: Of course- don't stop me now.

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Intermission. A known performer sings as unclad maidens dance, until they art chased off by angry MeToo protestors.

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Act 2, Scene 1. A secluded hut by a non-descript lake in a non-descript pine forest. 'Tis winter. A young maiden sits by a white canvas, using white paint to capture the snow white landscape.

Young Maiden: Pray tell, where am I? Spain, Australia, India or even worse-  Norway? I wish I was better at geography. Everyone speaks only English, but no man can tell this place from any other wintery land! (Sighs.) And where are my parents? Who are my parents? Why are my parents? And how doth Sir Nicholas of Cage still get parts in plays? (Sighs again.) The Pale King, perchance? Not the man made of ice leading an army of undead from the far North beyond the wall. Nay, the scary one. Perhaps Maid Madeleine and Sir James, who is such an irresponsible father he didn't even meet my mother until I was a child aged seven? Or Naught, Naught Seven as Sir James jokes in his Dad jokes way. Perchance Sir Malek, who has such a disturbing manner he can scare people away by simply stating what he likes?Although he does enjoy a good sing along. Oh I want to break free and find someone to love. (She sighs yet again.) Who am I? There are more questions in heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Or in the SABS tavern Quiz.
(A man dressed in white, wearing a coat and wielding a battle axe, enters.)
Young Maiden: Who art thou, mine father? ... a canvasser for the EU elections?
Masked Knave: Kidnap or slay?
Young Maiden: Is this the custom of Halloween in this curse'd land?
(Ye Masked Knave raises the axe. The Young Maiden runs and the Knave runs after her.)
Young Maiden: I must be in Norway. If only I can find something to break his kneecaps, like they do in figure skating. Like the Lady Tonya Harding, she takes some beating, .... and gives them out too.
(Ye Knave swings the axe and almost cuts ye Young Maiden's head off.)
Young Maiden: He has a powerful weapon, He charges, ....... again! I have seen that axe before, in ye Pale King's dungeon. The king must be my father- and he really cares!
(Ye Young Maiden smiles and sprints faster with great optimism.)
Young Maiden: I spy a snowman on the ice. I've heard they made The Snowman in Norway and t'was a calamity, but it may be my salvation. For where there be a snowman, there be snowballs I could throw!
(Ye Maiden turns to the Knave and points behind him.)
Young Maiden: Behold, good sir! The Lord of the Treasury is handing out silver to those with the biggest Chopper!
(Ye Knave turns, the Maiden hides behind the snowman. She throws the snowballs at the Knave,as he falls. He crashes through the ice, only his axe stopping him from completely sinking. The Maiden runs to him, grabbing at his Chopper..... )
Young Maiden: Let it go, let it go!
Knave: I'm under pressure, I want to break free.
Young Maiden: Who wants to live forever?
(His hands slip from the axe and he sinks below the water. A pair of green trainers float to the top as his body sinks.)
Young Maiden: (In disgust.) I hath seen little horrors in this world, but I hope there be a place in Hades for anyone who wouldst do such crimes against fashion and good taste!

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Act 2, Scene 2. Sir James and Lord Felix take their leave of Maid Madeleine.

Lord Felix: Come, Sir James, let us use my chariot.
Sir James: Very nice it is too.
(They get into Lord Felix's chariot.)
Sir James: Most comfortable.
Lord Felix: Aye, I’m in love with my chariot. It roves about ye land extremely well.
Sir James: Tell me more about thine alchemist.
Lord Felix: It seems he hath disappeared in a Flash.
Sir James: Aha!
Lord Felix: Whence he hath gone, no-one knows, though some suspect ‘twas westward.
Sir James: Towards West-a-world?
Lord Felix: Where I hath lately been languishing? Nay, Sir James – towards Bohemia, I suspect, under wraps...
Sir James: A Bohemian wraps story, eh? I wish’t I couldst help thee, Lord Felix, but mine licence I hath revoked, as I am wont to do once every 20 years or so.
Lord Felix: (Puzzled.) But what if thou wanted to drive a chariot?
Sir James: Nay, I am speaking of the licence that gives me the freedom to kill in more ways than just with a chariot. Mayhap I couldst consult mine former alchemist, though, for insight. I believe’eth he must be nearing completion repairing my chariot. Which he also is wont to do every four or five years or so, every time another one bites the dust.
Lord Felix: 'Tis my belief that we art being followed - wait, we hath two followers!
Sir James: Two? The one on the left- with the spyglass, who for some reason ist dressed identically to me, hath followed me for as long as I can recall.
Lord Felix: Aha! That would be Sir David of Blond-Experience. A fellow Colonial I believe. He follows you most keenly, Sir James.
Sir James: Nay, not him- look there!
(A chariot bristling with varlets appears behind them, chasing their chariot through ye town.)
Sir James: Make haste, good Felix, we hath trouble in the rear.
Lord Felix: The island beans kicking in again, eh?
Sir James: Nay, varlets and knaves by the chariot full!
(Lord Felix glances down at the vanity mirror, seeing the approaching chariot and catching a glimpse of an incredibly good looking stunt knight passing by.)
Lord Felix: Sir James, there be'eth a knight who doth look like you but "hunkier" than thee?
Sir James: Aye, tell me about it! That bloody Daily Mail parchment never gives me a break.Hey, Felix, watch out for you man with green trainers!
Lord Felix: What? (Thump.)
Sir James: Never mind....
(Several arrows whizz past their heads, as Lord Felix pulls his carriage out in to the path of other chariots and wagons, to much shouting and neighing of horses...)
Sir James: With that manoeuvre, you've proved we are the champions- now to the left after that group of fat bottomed girls.
Lord Felix: That may be sexist Sir James?
Sir James: Oh nay, for I hath included all the ladies and not singled one out.
(Sir James waves at the ladies.)
Ladies: Oh Sir James, you coming around later?
Sir James: Nay, good ladies, too much love will kill you.
(Lord Felix spins the carriage to the left and they descend down a cobbled hill.)
Lord Felix: I hath never come this way before.
Sir James: Oh, I've made use of the odd back passage from time to time. This will take us to the docks, where can lose our pursuers and...
(Several more arrows whizz by them.)
Sir James: ...pick up some soft shell crabs. I am sick of crab paste.
Lord Felix: (Puzzled.) Crab paste? Which fishmonger supplies that?
Sir James: Fishmonger? Nay, from the local apothecary.... Now,  to the right, to the right!
Lord Felix: Do you have that little itch again...…? Down there?
(Turning sharply, they enter the harbour area.)
Sir James: Now make haste up that hill, so when we release the horses, we can ram them! Prepare to expose your weapon, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: What, here? In front of all these people?  Oh, I see-  you mean my sword.
(He pulls out the pin to release the horses. Ye chariot rolls back with Sir James and Lord Felix swinging their swords and shouting "Have at you Sirs". Shocked, the knaves try and pull up but crash into a shop selling gunpowder and flints, exploding high into the sky... Lord Felix tries to jump from the chariot and fight on foot, but Sir James pulls him back.)
Lord Felix: Don't stop me now, I’m having such a good time.
Sir James: We may have a bigger problem- look!
(Ye chariot crashes through a gangplank and lands on a flat fishing barge.)
Lord Felix: You seem to be back in the navy, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, I've missed the rum, the lash and the....
Lord Felix: (Hastily.) I can imagine what you've missed,
Sir James: I was about to say the opportunities for travel.
Lord Felix: But of course.
Sir James: Oh look what ist here-  soft shell crabs.
(As they float away, several knaves begin falling back in to the sea...)

(Later, Sir James is by a boat dock holding a strange weapon ... )
Sir James: My, ye Young Wizard has outdone himself, who would think a carved leg from the old desk of Sir Miles and the stout elastic of a pair of Maid Moneypenny's under garments, could make such a weapon? Now....... "Lets go fishing!”
(Sir James wanders to the water and waits for a passing fish. Lord Felix enters.)
Lord Felix: What are you doing, Sir James? And watch out for falling mangos from that coconut tree!
Sir James: Trying to catch a grouper!
Lord Felix: The knave, hurts the island's tourist trade ...
Sir James: ‘Tis a fish, Lord Felix, and here one comes...
(Sir James doth shoot the weapon and a spear flies out impaling the fish, which he carries ashore.)
Lord Felix: Wonderful, can you catch chips with that too?
(Sir James begins preparing the fish as a cat passes by.)
Sir James: Here have these, and these......
(The feline eagerly eats the offerings.)
Lord Felix: None of the best bits, I trust.
Sir James: He had lots of guts.

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Act 2, Scene 3. Sir James and Lord Felix approach a small dwelling.

Lord Felix: So, this is where thine Young Wizard doth dwell?
Sir James: Aye, at least it used to be- it has been some time.
(Sir James knocks on ye door. After a moment, ye Young Wizard appears with a few cats at his feet.)
Sir James: I bid thee greetings, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Naught Naught Sev- I mean, Sir James! Most surprised I am to see thee.
Sir James: Thou know’est mine friend, Felix Lord of Leiter?
Lord Felix: A good day to thee.
Young Wizard: Of thee I have heard, thou never we have met. I prithee, do enter.
(All go into a room, surrounded by cats. Sir James looks around at ye shelves containing crystal balls, strange gadgets, and many other items.)
Lord Felix: Thou do seem to like cats, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Aye, pussies galore.
Lord Felix: How many art here?
Young Wizard: Why, I do have eight of them.
Sir James: I feel that there is a pun I should make here, though I shall struggle mightily to avoid doing so.
Lord Felix: What ist this here, Young Wizard? (He points to a small bear wearing a hat and duffel coat, carrying a battered briefcase.)
Young Wizard:  ...Er, that ist for a friend ....Er... Now, what doth bring thee to mine abode, Sir James? For thou art not active in the service of Sir Gareth Mallory.
Sir James: Lord Felix doth bid me join him in a quest and I have come to seek thine help as in days of old. Mayhap an enchanted chariot, or a sword which can only be wielded by me?
Young Wizard: A private endeavour, not ordered from above?
Sir James: Aye, for Sir Gareth knows not of this.
Maid Moneypenny: (Off.) Of that I would not be so sure, Sir James.
(Maid Moneypenny opens ye door, holding it open for Sir Gareth to enter.)
Sir Gareth: We do function in thine absence, Sir James.
Sir James: Greetings, mine liege.
Sir Gareth: One moment- Tanner!
(William of Tanner enters, followed by Freddie, Velma, Daphne and Shaggy.)
Sir Gareth: Now, Sir James- an account I demand of thee.
Sir James: I know'est nothing of that account in the Cayman Islands, mine liege!
Sir Gareth: So thou hast told me- that money was simply resting in your account, you said. Now, tell me what thou art up to.
Sir James: Well, sire, as thou doth know’est I was in Jamaica.
Sir Gareth: (Grumpily.) Aye, beautiful Jamaica. Most lovely it must be- or so I am told for there I was not invited, er,  have not been.
Maid Moneypenny: Oh, ‘tis indeed most lovely there mine liege! I didst have a fantastic time-
Sir Gareth: Enough, Maid Moneypenny! Continue, Sir James.
Lord Felix: With thine permission, Sir Gareth, let me explain. I have been charged to find a missing alchemist, and I have asked Sir James to accompany me on mine task.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir Gareth: A missing alchemist, eh? What makes thee think that we have not been engaged upon the very same task?
Sir James: Well, sire..
Lord Felix: Ah, you see..
Sir Gareth: Enough. Both of you shalt come back with me. I have assigned our best agent to undertake this task.
Sir James: (Bristling suspiciously.) Thine best agent?
Sir Gareth: Aye. Sir James, I do believe ‘tis time for thee to meet Naught Naught Seven…
(Lord Felix picks Sir James's jaw up from ye floor and re-attaches it to his face.)

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Act 3, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory.

Sir Gareth: A new number thou wilt have to be assigned, Sir James, since we have a new Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Humph... Aye...
Sir Gareth: Maid Moneypenny, have you found ye new number?
Maid Moneypenny: Well, Number 24 is vacant…
Sir James: I believe he is.... most of ye time.
Sir Gareth: Aye, we have all noticed that.
Maid Moneypenny: With the recent retirement of Sir Lou Bega, Mambo number 5 is available.
Sir Gareth: That band of knights posing as troubadours... um… Maroon 5?
Sir James: They hath become more successful as balladeers, so have left her Majesty’s Secret Service.
Maid Moneypenny: ...but I think... Oh it was on the tip of my tongue a moment ago... 69 would be more appropriate.
William of Tanner: Or, as Sir James has been known to call it, "dinner for two".
Sir James: Please, don't give me any lip about it.
Sir Gareth: Tanner, tell Naught Naught Seven to join us.
William of Tanner: Aye, mine liege.
(Exit William of Tanner.)
Sir Gareth: It is to be hoped that thou art fit for service, 69.
Sir James: Of course, mine liege. I have been on a strict diet with much exercise. Although I'm sure given my new number, I'll soon be licked into shape?
Maid Moneypenny: Of thine form of exercise I have no doubt, Naught Naught- I mean 69.
Sir James: Well, among other things.
(William of Tanner enters, accompanied by a tall distinguished lady.)
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Sir Gareth: Now, Naught Naught Seven...
Sir James: Aye, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: Not you. (Sir James quietly fumes.) Naught Naught Seven, meet 69.
Naught Naught Seven: Most pleased I am to meet thee, 69.
Sir James: And I to meet thee, Naught Nau...  Naught Naught Sev... (Ye words "Naught Naught Seven" stick in his throat.) You may have my number, you can take my name, but you’ll never have my......
Naught Naught Seven: Oh,  I may have "That" too, until then just call me Lashana.
Sir Gareth: Now 69, please follow Naught Naught Seven and she willst reveal unto you our many new and improved ways of serving Her Majesty.
(Exit 69 and Naught Naught Seven.)


(Ye exterior courtyard of a castle, where many knights are jousting.
Lady Lashana: Much has changed Sir James since your time. Or ye Old Days as we know them.
Sir James: So I've heard, no more "Man Talk" lines, or legions of bikini clad maidens sitting around a pool for no reason.
(Two knights pass by talking, one sketching on a parchment.)
Sir Tom: ....and this was where Naught Naught Seven was trained, that post was the very one ye Old Wizard threw his bolas around.
Sir Chris: I’ll just quickly get a sketch of it.  (He moves towards the Lady Lashana.) Pardon mistress, but could you take a quick sketch of us beside this post, so we can post it or "Upload it " to the town notice board, for our followers to see?
Lady Lashana: Oh how marvellous, is it the one beside that oddly shaped pipe?
Sir Tom & Sir Chris: Aye, on U-Tube!

(Lady Lashana leads Sir James to a table full of weapons.)
Sir James: (Picking up a knife.) Is this a dagger which I see before me? And is this the cutting edge equipment you speak of?
(Without looking he throws it at a target, hitting the bullseye.)
Lady Lashana: Impressive, but there was actually poison hidden in its handle....
(She too throws a knife, which also hits the bullseye.)
Sir James: Lucky shot! Are you as good with something... longer?
Lady Lashana: Oh my Sir James, what did you have in mind? And just what are you concealing in those hose... or are you just pleased to to see me?
Sir James: That be'eth my short sword, for stealthy sword play.
(From under her garments, a sword appears in Lady Lashana's hand.)
Lady Lashana: Mine’s bigger.
Sir James: Size isn't important, it's what you do with it.
(They begin to fight, each countering ye others moves.)
Lady Lashana: There are those that say Sir James is most dangerous with his hand around a shaft............ of a weapon.
Sir James: Don't believe all you've read on the privy walls m’lady, be careful thee doth not injure one's pretty nails on so sharp a blade.
Lady Lashana: I think ye shall find my tongue will be sharp enough to injure thee!
(They continue to fight matching each others attacks and counter moves ending with both with a sword blade to their throat.)
Sir James: Let’s have no more cutting remarks.
Lady Lashana: I knew you were a sharp one Sir James. and to the point, it seems.
Sir James: What say you,  we call ourselves equals and partake of some mead and a white wine for the lady? Many of my lady acquaintances have also claimed to be equal to me.
Lady Lashana: I too enjoy a tankard of mead, shaken or stirred, care to join me?
Sir James: Good to see my successor is keeping up some of the old ways.
(They call over a young knight dressed in a white tunic with a trained black bat on his collar and a selection of meads in small caskets on a belt.)
Young Calvin: Good evening, Mr Bond fans.
Sir James: Two meads that are shaken not stirred, my good man.
Young Calvin: My top ten meads are always on me, starting with the 62 and 63, but it wasn't until the 64 that they got the mix right and it became the archetypal version. Which was remade several times.
Sir James: Thank you but just the two meads that be'eth shaken not stirred.
(Young Calvin pours the drinks, then hurries away when his trained bat flies off.)

(Later in ye throne room of Sir Gareth.)
Sir Gareth: It is my plan to send the two of you to find the missing alchemist. Lord Fahrenheit, also known by the code cypher "Important Missing Alchemist". Suspicion has fallen upon a rich scoundrel called Sir Malik Mercury. Naught Naught Seven, hast thou found out anything about him yet?
Lady Lashana: He likes long walks in ye forest, ye poetry of Christopher Marlowe,  needlepoint of cute kittens, paintings by Nicholas Hilliard and sketching his meals to post to friends.
Sir Gareth: Hath he many friends?
Lady Lashana: Although a public figure he hath many private parts, which he exposes only occasionally.
Sir Gareth: Have you seen his private parts?
Lady Lashana: Nay, he has a tight circle of friends which I've tried to join, bending over backwards but alas, I was unable to penetrate his intimate circle.
Sir Gareth: Mayhap the two of you together might be able to. He is at present in Italy, and mine informants tell me he is leaning towards Pisa.
Sir James: Ah, ye birthplace of Galileo.
William of Tanner: Galileo?
Sir James: Galileo.
All: Magnifico!
Lady Lashana: We shalt depart for there at once.

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Act 3, Scene 2. Sir James and Lady Lashana meet Lord Felix outside.

Sir James: So, to Italy we are bound. Art thou travelling with us, Lord Felix?
Lord Felix: But of course. Alas, mine chariot remains in Jamaica… or possibly Cuba.
Lady Lashana: ‘Tis no problem, ye Young Wizard hath furnished me with transport- this way!
(Lady Lashana leads Sir James and Lord Felix to a magnificent chariot, fashioned by ye DB5th Earl of Aston and ye Viscount Martin.)
Lord Felix: Most impressive.
Lady Lashana: Aye, ye Young Wizard always reserves his best for Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ….aye… ‘tis so…  ajb007/crap
(They enter ye chariot and set off through ye streets of London, heading for ye port of Dover.)
Lady Lashana: ‘Twill not take us long, if we avoid ye M25.
Lord Felix: Ye streets seems unusually busy.
Sir James: Hast thou not heard? One of ye Royal Princesses hast given birth to a new Prince.
(Crowds flock ye streets, waving flags. A band sings “Good Morning London Town.)
Sir James: Take heed, milady, watch out for yon man with green-
(Thump.)
Sir James: … trainers.
Lady Lashana: What?
Sir James: Never mind.

(They arrive at Dover and head to ye docks where they art met by a steward.)
Lord Felix: I believe this is our boat, here.
Steward: Thine documents of travel, I prithee.
(Sir James and Lady Lashana art guided aboard immediately, but Lord Felix ist delayed while ye stewards examine his documents and likeness, assess his history, take his shoe size, etc, before allowing him to embark.)
Lord Felix: What a rigorous ritual... eh ..... Steward Windrush?
Sir James: ‘Tis because though art from ye Colonies, mine friend, whilst Lady Lashana and myself art part of Europe.
Lord Felix: Only for ye moment, Sir James, only for ye moment. Thou had better get used to more difficult travel in ye future.
Sir James: But mine travel documents will be of a beautiful blue colour.
Lady Lashana: Here, Sir James, have some coconut.
Sir James: (Suspiciously.) Looks like mango to me.
Lady Lashana: Nay, 'tis definitely a coconut.
Sir James: Now listen lady, I've had my hands on many mangos and.....
Lady Lashana: Humph! I've had my hands on many nuts and that is definitely a coconut!
Sir James: Look, a mango is red, longish and soft.
Lady Lashana: Sir James, in my hands nothing stays... soft.
Sir James: Well, if thou say'est so...
Lady Lashana: Let us find our cabins… ah, here we are. I shalt be in this chamber here, whilst thee and Lord Felix shalt share ye chamber yonder.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) I had anticipated… alternative arrangements.
Lady Lashana: No doubt, 69.
Lord Felix: (Aside.) I can bet Sir James was thinking of a ..69...
Sir James: (Heading to ye chamber.) I hope thou does not snore, Felix.
Lord Felix:  A nightcap?
Sir James: Nay, I don't wear one.

(Next morning, at sea. Sir James walks ye deck, to be joined by Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: ‘Tis my feeling thou art not too happy about this lady bearing thine number, Sir James.
Sir James: Really? Whatever gave you that idea?
Lord Felix: Oh, just a wild guess.
(Sir James's eye twitches, and he crushes the empty tankard in his hand.)
Sir James: For many years I have been Naught Naught Seven. ‘Tis part of mine identity. It doth cause me great distress to see another with that designation.
Lord Felix: And yet, I would have thought 69 to be right in thine, er, ballpark.
(They art joined by Lady Lashana.)
Lady Lashana: It’s a beautiful day! I see you've both been exercising, have you the Quoits?
Sir James: Nay, no problems there since I last had the island beans, but aye- t'is a lovely day, made in heaven.
Lord Felix: Look yonder, another ship doth approach us.
Lady Lashana: Mayhap they just wish to say hello?
Sir James: I fear not- they art on an attack course, and look at her colours, ye dreaded black flag with crossed green footwear...!
Lord Felix: Buccaneers?
Sir James: Nay, far worse- Brexiteers!!!

(Ye other ship sails straight to theirs, close enough for them to read “HMS Wandering Higgins” painted on its side. A voice ist heard.)
Voice: Ahoy, Europe lovers! Stand by to be boarded! ... Waaa... wiff waff .... way hay!!!
Sir James: ‘Tis their dreaded leader, Cap’n Boris!
Lord Felix: I thought their leader was Cap’n Theresa?
Sir James: Nay, she keeps herself well hidden these days.
Lady Lashana: And what of her opponent, Jolly Jeremy?
Sir James: Mayhap one day he will be of use but meantime we must fight! Look,  Cap'n Theresa has painted some red lines, so they'll soon be crossing them!
Lord Felix: Look in that little dinghy behind, is that who I think it is?
Sir James: Cry havoc Lord Felix, 'tis the most dreaded of all Brexiteers, the ferocious Farage!! Quick, to arms!
(Hordes of Brexiteers board their vessel. Crying “Majority rules!” they assail ye passengers and crew. Sir James beats them off with his sword. Lord Felix mans a cannon and blows holes in their ship. Lady Lashana lynches their leaders. Eventually ye Brexiteers are beaten back and sail away.)

Lord Felix: ‘Twas a close call.
Sir James: Just like their referendum…
Lady Lashana: Look, Italy ist ahead!
Lord Felix: That did not take long.
Sir James: Lord Felix, remember how we played sport, drank in the ship's tavern, did gamble in the ship's casino, swam in the pool, and danced the night away to ye Barry Manilow tribute band, had that pillow fight in the evening and you awoke next morn with your hand betwixt two pillows, but in reality t'was between my.....
Lord Felix: (Hastily.) With vagary, I was very, very drunk at the time.
Sir James: ....hast thou never heard of a montage?

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Act 3, Scene 3.  A harbour full of people and excitement, as a galleon makes anchor. Sir James is exercising on deck.

Lady Lashana: My, my- that's impressive, 'tis so big- but why doth it lean so?
Sir James: Pardon M'Lady, ‘tis these damn hose, they're too light to... Oh I see thee doth speak of the tower that leans.
Lady Lashana: Aye.
Sir James: ‘Twas built by Egyptian builders!
(Enter Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: I hath made arrangements for us to travel onwards. Our Italian cousins hath been very helpful, and Lady Caruso sends you her compliments Sir James.
Sir James: (Aside.) Um... see nipples and die......
Lord Felix: I think the quote be'eth “see Naples and die”.
Sir James: You look at what you want to, Lord Felix.
Lady Lashana: I say we pack and get ready with haste to leave.
(Later on the docks a carriage is laden down with trunks and cases.)
Lord Felix: Why doth thee need so much luggage?
Lady Lashana: Um, I too had thoughts like this?
Sir James: I must always carry my safari suits, tuxedos, both with black and white jackets, my collection of Sir Tom Ford doublets and hose .... the list is endless.
Lady Lashana: But this stuffed donkey in a sombrero?
Sir James: A souvenir...  something indicative of the people and their culture.
Lady Lashana: (Aside to Lord Felix.) Willst thou tell him, or shall I?
Lord Felix: (Aside.) Just let him be, he ist happy.
((They enter ye carriage.)
Sir James: So, Lady Lashana, ‘tis time to find Sir Malik and thou art the one most acquainted with his habits.
Lady Lashana: ‘Tis my belief he will be found in one of ye fashionable night hostelries, holding a most glamorous party.
Sir James: Then we must start our quest looking at many night spots.
Lord Felix: Sounds like a pub crawl to me- so let’s get cracking!
Sir James: Set off, driver- and watch out for that man with green trainers.
Lord Felix: You mean the one arguing with an innocent bystander for no good reason?
Sir James: Aye, that would be the one. (Thump.) Too late.

(Our three heroes enter a local tavern.......)
Lord Felix: This be the Confused Gondolier, One of the most popular taverns in the city. Has something called Pole Dancing, and is an Italian themed tavern.
Sir James: Must be some sort of folk dancing from Poland, you know how I enjoy something indicative of the people and their culture, but these signs can be misleading. I was at a tavern once that said it featured lap dancing- judging by what I witnessed, Laplanders are very gymnastic and oddly wear very little clothing for such a cold climate! But an Italian themed tavern in Italy?
Lady Lashana: ‘Tis the latest thing, soon all taverns in Italy will be Italian themed..... or Irish obviously.
Sir James: As long as they have Antipodean tavern stewards, and mead, I be'eth happy. I shall approach yon bar steward.
Lady Lashana: Language Sir James!
Tavern Keeper: Ow ya goin’ mate, fancy a bevvie?
Sir James: Two meads that are shaken and not stirred, and a diet Mango cocktail… or was it coconut? Be you the usual bar keeper?
Tavern Keeper: The other fella is on a break, should be back though, he's a real diamond.
Sir James: I'm looking for a man......
Tavern Keeper: I don't think you're his type. (Aside.) Try Tuesday and Thursday nights.
Sir James: I'm looking for information on......
Tavern Keeper: Surely you must know how? You just push your....
Sir James: Nay, you misunderstand, I hath monies to....
Tavern Keeper: Hey, a good looking man like yourself shouldn't have to pay. Have a bit more self confidence, and a bit more self respect.
Sir James: I'm looking for Sir Malik...
Tavern Keeper: Bloody hell cobber, you’re shooting a bit out of your league there. He's gorgeous!
Sir James: Have you had him in lately...
Tavern Keeper: How dare you just because I serve drinks you think I'll sleep with anyone!
Sir James: Pardon, where might I meet him?
Tavern Keeper: Oh, try the Hammer- it be'eth a tavern and dancing club two streets across. Poached many of our customers. I had hoped instead of getting successful it would fall... But I've given up on waiting for the hammer to fall.
Sir James: (Pushes a bag of coins across.) Thank you, at last a lead!
Tavern Keeper: A lead? Well if you enjoy leads, chains and collars , there is a cellar....
Sir James: How very dare you sir! .… (Aside.) Pray tell, which night doth it open?
Lord Felix: I see you've got the libations, Sir James.
Sir James: Nay, this just the bulge of my coin purse, Now we must make haste Lord Felix, we could be having an audience with Sir Malik.
Lady Lashana: Then let us quickly neck these, and get moving.
(They drink quickly and depart the tavern.)
Tavern Keeper: This never happened to the other fella….


Barbel, Thunderpussy, Number24, Charmed & Dangerous

27

Re: AJB presents William Shakespeare's James Bond in...

NE'ER SAY DEJA VU AGAIN


Act 1, Scene 1. (A thin and feminine voice is heard as Sir Justin of Bieber sings his ballad "Ne'er say ne'er" while Sir James prowls through a jungle. He slays a guard, then swings from a rope into a room where a maiden lies bound upon a bed, guarded by two varlets. They are speedily slain by Sir James; he then begins to untie the maiden who promptly stabs him with a knife....)

------------------

Act 1, Scene 2. (The throne room of Sir Edward Jackal.)

Sir Edward: Thee should have studied the scrolls more faithfully, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: ‘Tis ne’er the same in training, mine liege, for mine edge ist sharper in the field.
Sir Edward: Thine “edge” ist blunted by thine age, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Hmph! I am still younger than certain others I could mention.
Sir Edward: I prithee, no Moore of that.
Sir James: Thou hast had me but as a teacher of late, to young knights! Many had died before my training, slain too young.
Sir Edward: Agreed, there hath been too many late knights. The apothecaries say thine “edge” ist suffering from too much mead and tobacco.
Not William of Tanner: And the eating of white bread.
Sir James: Then in French bloomers I shalt take an interest.
Sir Edward: More than thine usual interest? Nothing French ist in order for thee lest it inflame thine health. A more abstemious regime awaits thee.
Sir James: Nay, you do not mean Shrubla-
Sir Edward: Ssh, dost thou want to get sued? To Bushgardens thou must go!
(Sir James groans....)
Moneypenny: To where are you going hence, Sir James?
Bond: I have been sent to stop French inflammations.
Moneypenny: Do be careful, Sir James!

------------------

Act 1, Scene 3. (Sir James guides his ancient carriage up to a magnificent mansion, with a sign reading "Bushgardens Health Clinic" hastily painted- the word "Shrublands" can faintly be seen underneath.  He ist greeted by a steward.)

Steward: A beautiful carriage, good sir, they do not make them like this anymore.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis true, but 'tis still in pretty good shape.
Steward: I shalt park it for thee round ye back.
Sir James: Watch out for that man with green train- (Thump.) Never mind.
(Sir James enters ye building where he is examined by an apothecary.)
Apothecary Wain: Hmm, thine body hast seen better days, methinks.
Sir James: Nay, 'tis still in pretty good shape.
Apothecary Wain: Much work is required. How much do you drink?
Sir James: I only drink on days that begin with a "T".
Apothecary: Ah, that ist good. Tuesday and Thursday.
Sir james: Nay, Today and Tomorrow.
Apothecary: That ist too much!
Sir James: I do know my limits- when I fall down, it ist too much.
Apothecary: Thou should say "no" to alcohol.
Sir James: I have tried, but it just does not listen.
Apothecary: Tell me, Sir James, what ist thine customary diet?
Sir James: Oh, I have simple tastes: Beluga caviar, roast beef and potato salad, ham sandwiches with plenty of mustard, Kobe beef, doner kebab, roast grouse, dressed crab, scrambled eggs...
Apothecary Wain: 'Tis no wonder thine liege hast sent thee here! From now on, thou willst eat artichokes and asparagus,  beansprouts and beetroots, cabbage and carrots, dandelions and.... (Ye Apothecary continues through the alphabet as Sir James groans..)

------------------

Act 1, Scene 4. A secret chamber where many are gathered.

Comte de Blofeld: 'Tis good to have such a meeting again, it has been many years.
Lord Kevin: I did try to be quicker, mine liege, but was forestalled by Lord Cubby at every turn.
Comte de Blofeld: No matter, we are here now.
(Enter Fatima Blush dressed as an ostrich.)
Fatima: Comte Blofeld, may I inquire: I see there is no-one in your lap to stroke. Don't you have a companion?
Comte de Blofeld: I haven't had a pussy for years, I miss it.
(A Saint raises both eyebrows while sitting up in Double O Heaven.  ajb007/bond )
Comte de Blofeld: Now to discuss our latest plans- Baron Largo, thou art in charge.
Baron Largo: I thank'ee, Comte. 'Tis our plan to purloin a ship laden with barrels of Greek Fire to use as a fire ship. We shalt steer it towards a crowded harbour, tie up the wheel, light the fuse and jump off- unless our ransom ist paid. In our employ ist one Yeoman Jack Petachi, whom our agent Fatima Blush ist keeping hidden in Shrub... er, Bushgardens health clinic.

------------------

Act 1, Scene 5.( A corridor. Sir James ist nearly knocked down by Fatima Blush pushing a wheelchair in which sits a man with bandages over his head and hands. Fatima does not stop. A comely wench approaches.)

Patricia: I do apologise, 'twas not one of our staff.
Sir James: No matter, all ist fine. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Patricia: Ah, thou art Sir James. Patricia Fearing am I; thou art to attend mine chambers forthwith...
Sir James: But of course.
Patricia: ... for treatment of thine ills.
Sir James: ...Ah...  ajb007/crap
Patricia: Then afterwards a glass of Melograno's fermented milk.
Sir James: That all sounds lovely.

-------------------

Act 1, Scene 6. (Ye chambers of Sir James, at Bushgardens. Sir James ist inspecting a hamper when there ist a knock on ye door. He covers ye hamper and opens ye door to find Patricia with a tray.)

Sir James: Do come in.
Patricia: Thine reputation precedes thee, Sir James, and I think such a reputation did not come from a diet of dandelions and dill. So, I hast brought thee a cheese sandwich.
(Sir James opens ye hamper to reveal his travelling delicatessen.)
Sir James: Fortunately I came prepared...
(Patricia's eyes roll with delight.)
Patricia: Delicious!
Sir James: Would thee like some broccoli?
Patricia: Sssh, ne'er say broccoli again.
Sir James: Oh yes, but of course.
Patricia: They do say that the surest way to a man's heart ist through his stomach.
Sir James: Mayhap, though I find that through the ribcage ist surer.

(Meanwhile, in a chamber not far away, Fatima ist unwrapping ye bandages from the man in the wheelchair.)
Fatima: Now, just sit ye still, Jack, and we shall see...
Jack: Hurry, I prithee, Fatima, for tobacco I doth crave.
Fatima: No tobacco for thee, Jack Petachi, until all this ist over.
(She finishes unwrapping ye bandages.)
Jack: Well? Hast it worked?
Fatima: Oh yes, 'tis wonderful! Thine skin ist bright orange, and thine hair doth look most unnatural.
Jack: And mine hands?
Fatima: One moment... (Unwraps his hands.) Aye, thine hands are now most small.
Jack: These are great hands. These are great, great hands.
Fatima: Hey, thou can do the voice as well!

-------------------

Act 1, Scene 7. (A harbour. Two guards stand before a ship.)

1st Guard: For what ist this ship laden with barrels of Greek Fire intended, mine friend?
2nd Guard: Who knows?
((Enter Jack Petachi.)
Jack: Greetings, men, I wouldst enter yon ship.
1st Guard: Nay, for none may here enter except ye leader of those across the sea.
Jack:  Dost thee not recognise me? The amazing blond hairstyle and orange skin?  These plans for a large wall?
2nd Guard: Aye, Mr President!
(Jack enters ye ship.)
1st Guard: Now there ist a surprise, ne’er did I think he wouldst come here himself and... hey, come back with that ship!!!

------------------

Act 1, Scene 8. (In a gym.)

Sir James: (Doing press-ups.) One, two, three... (Looks around to make sure no-one ist watching.)... ninety-nine, one hundred! Now, what next...? (A steward approaches.)
Steward: Try these weights, Sir James. I'll look in and see how you're doing in fifteen minutes.
Sir James: (Fighting off deja vu.) ....fine.
(Ye steward departs. Sir James lies down and begins to lift ye weights. Silently, ye door opens and a large man walks up to Sir James.)
Lippe: Hello, Sir James, and farewell!
(He thrusts a weight down on Sir James, who lashes out with his foot and gets free. They struggle, breaking much furniture and equipment, until Sir James manages to thrust Lippe’s head into the waste bucket of the privy, where he ist drowned.)
Sir James: Thou shalt not take the piss out of me!

------------------

Act 1, Scene 9. (The throne room of Sr Edward Jackal.)

Sir Edward: Most vexed am I, Naught Naught Seven, great damage to yon clinic thou did cause for which I must pay recompense.
Sir James: Mayhap I should have let ye assassin slay me?
Sir Edward: Not this time, alas, for a mission I do have for thee.
Not William of Tanner: Remember, Naught Naught Seven, there ist no "I" in "team".
Sir James: Nay, but there art four in "Cliche Spouting Idiot".
Sir Edward: Great weapons have been purloined, Naught Naught Seven, ‘tis thine charge their location to ascertain. To the colonies across the sea I shall send thee, to Nassau.
Sir James: Hmm...
Not William of Tanner: Art thou feeling ill, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Nay, I just have this extraordinary feeling that this hast happened before...

-------------------

Act 1, Scene 9. (Ye Old Wizard's lair. Enter Sir James.)

Sir James: Greetings, Wizard Algernon, I seek Ye Old Wizard.
Algernon: Alack, he hast gone off to India- he did say something about an egg covered with jewels.
Sir James: Sssh- ixnay on-ay at-thay ubject-say.
Algernon: I can spare thee a moment, though I am busier than a one-legged Riverdancer- 'tis ye cutbacks, I fear. 'Tis good to see thee back, Naught Naught Seven, we look forward to more bloodshed and fornication.
Sir James: Aye, most likely.
Algernon: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven- behold this enchanted sundial! 'Twill free thee from any chains in which thou may be held. Take also this stylus and elastic band- 'tis not perfected yet though it may prove useful to thee.
Sir James: And what ist this here?
Algernon: 'Tis for mine sinuses.
Sir James: Sinuses? Thou do jest, Algernon.
Algernon: I ne'er jest about my Vick, Naught Naught Seven.

--------------------

Act 2, Scene 2. (A drinking place in foreign climes, by a seashore.)

Steward: And what would thou like to drink, good sir?
Sir James: Mead- let it stirred be, and not shaken.
(Enter Fatima Blush, straight from ye ocean wearing half a dolphin and two coconuts. She stumbles into Sir James.)
Fatima: How reckless of me, I've made you all wet.
Sir James: Well hopefully later, I can do the same to you. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Fatima: Thou may know me as Fatima Blush. What brings thee to these parts, Sir James?
Sir James: I'll get to thy parts in good time, but first I hope'eth thee might assist me?
Fatima: Of course, I would love to assist you.
Sir James: And why would that be?
Fatima: I wouldst like thee to find what thou art looking for.
Sir James: Most grateful I am, fair maiden.
Fatima: Alas, I am neither.
Sir James: Lovely outfit, by the way.
Fatima: Oh, this old thing? I am just about finished with it- an offer I have had from a lady called Jones for mine old wardrobe. Dost thee swim, Sir James?
Sir James: 'Tis one of the two things I do like a fish.
Fatima: Then mayhap you would like to go down with me?
Sir James: I can think of nothing better.

-------------------

Act 2, Scene 3. (Aboard a ship.)

Sir James: A popular area for swimmers, I see.
Fatima: (Wearing a kimono made from rose petals.) We art almost there.
Sir James: A most fast ship thou hast. What does she do? About fifteen knots?
Fatima: Better than that. Near twenty.
Sir James: Hmm...
Fatima: Ist everything in order, Sir James?
Sir James: Oh, I just keep having this extraordinary feeling of deja- Hey, watch out for that swimmer with green flippers! (Splash, crunch.) Ah, too late.
Fatima: Ist he all right?
Sir James: Who can tell? But his sundial doth appear to be waterproof. Now, what was I saying about deja vu...?
Fatima: Methinks we have reached ye spot, Sir James. 'Tis time to prepare for our swim.
Sir James: Most certainly.
(Sir James begins to remove his doublet. Fatima watches with interest.)
Sir James: You said something about going down?
Fatima: Aye, and thou said something about making me all wet...

(A discreet interval later, Sir James and Fatima doth swim under the sea. Fatima swims off, and Sir James ist attacked by mutated sea bass. He manages to escape them and swims up to ye surface.)
Sir James: Frickin' mutated sea bass!

-------------------

Act 2, Scene 4. (At ye lodgings of Sir James. There ist a knock on ye door.)

Lord Felix: (Warily.) I bid thee greetings, Sir James.
Sir James: Lord Felix! Do come in... but why art thou so wary?
Lord Felix: I wast afraid thou might punch me in mine stomach for no good reason... again.
Sir James: Most pleased am I to see thee- it hast been a long time.
Lord Felix: Aye, 'tis true- I have been doing legal work. I bear news- there are suspicions about a man named Baron Largo, we should investigate him forthwith.
Sir James: Baron Largo? Ist he Italian, with white hair and an eyepatch?
Lord Felix: Nay, he ist blond and Teutonic. Why dost thou ask?
Sir James: No reason...
Lord Felix: His ship ist rogered, I mean moored in ye harbour- and a strange name it hast.
Sir James: Ye Flying Saucer? Disco Volante perhaps?
Lord Felix: Nay, 'tis ye Unidentified Disc. He ist there with his ladyfriend, one Domino.
Sir James: Hmm, ist she foreign?
Lord Felix: Well, her stepmother is an alien.
Sir James: Largo.. Domino...
Lord Felix: Art thou feeling all right, Sir James?
Sir James: Oh, 'tis nothing, I just keep getting this sensation of.... never mind.
(A beauteous maiden enters.)
Lord Felix: Hello!
Sir James: Lord Felix, meet mine assistant, Nicole.
Lord Felix: Not Paula, then?
Sir James: Ah, it's happening to you as well!
Nicole: Thou hast received a package from thine Wizard, Sir James. Behold!
(Nicole indicates a large package, wrapped in brown paper.)
Lord Felix: Ye Old Wizard? But methinks he ist in India, helping Roger Moo-
Sir James: (Most quickly.) Nay, ‘tis from Wizard Algernon. (Aside.) Mention that not, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: Oh, yes, sorry.
Nicole: Shalt we unwrap it?
Sir James: But of course.
(Sir James, Nicole and Lord Felix begin to unwrap ye package.)
Lord Felix: A saddle? A set of reins?
Nicole: And a bag of oats...?
Sir James: Wait, there ist more underneath... (He pulls off the last of ye wrapping paper.)
Lord Felix: A horse! From a Wizard, ‘tis most likely an enchanted steed. Sir James, there ist a note tied to its tail, what does it say?
(Sir James peers at ye note.)
Sir James: It says... “Feed at other end.”
Nicole: And there ist another note, tied to its nose.
Sir James: It says... "See tail for instructions."
Lord Felix: Nay!
Nicole: Nay!
Horse: Neigh!
Sir James: Don't you start...

-------------------

Act 2, Scene 5. (Outside a health clinic. Ye hastily painted sign reads "Bushlands". A most beauteous wench wearing a blindfold finds her way in, followed shortly by Sir James.)

Stewardess: Can I help thee, good sir?
Sir James: Aye, if thee doth serve men here.
Stewardess: But of course, though some are served more throughly than others. Through that door there, I prithee.
(Sir James wanders around until he spies ye blindfolded wench, lying on a bench covered in a towel.)
Sir James: Thou dost await a massage?
Domino: Aye, 'tis so.
Sir James: Gadzooks, what a deep voice thou hast.
Domino: Yes, I am a bass singer.
(Sir James begins to knead her flesh.)
Sir James: Art thou staying here long?
Domino: Just arrived have I, on a yacht in the harbour- ye Unidentified Disc.
Sir James: Ah, Baron Largo's boat.
Domino: Thou knowest ye Baron?
Sir James: Nay, I merely know of him.
(Sir James begins to need her flesh.)
Sir James: Tell me, I prithee, why ye blindfold?
Domino: I must wear it for 9 1/2 weeks. Mmm, thine massage doth relieve mine tensions.
Sir James: Well, I've had quite a bit of practi....
Domino: Sorry?
Sir James: Oh, 'tis nothing, I just had this extraordinary feeling of deja... never mind.
Domino: Tonight Baron Largo ist holding a charity ball in ye grand casino.
Sir James: And hast he held many balls?
Domino: I have never asked- why not attend?
(Sir James spies ye real masseuse approaching, and casually strolls off.)
Masseuse: Greetings, I am Peaceful Fountains of Desire, and I shalt be thine masseuse.
Domino: But... but...
Masseuse: Well, if you insist though I was planning to do thine shoulders first.

-------------------

Act 2, Scene 6. (A gambling tavern. Sir James enters, wondering why the minstrels are not playing his familiar melody, and spots Domino.)

Sir James: Greetings, fair Domino, I believe I owe thee an explanation.
Domino: You! I shouldst have thee charged!
Sir James: No need, I did over one hundred press ups earlier, so fully charged!
Domino: Aye, it seems to have affected thine hair?
(Sir James quickly adjusts his hairline.)
Sir James: Thou can see that through thine blindfold?
Domino: Did you really think that toupee was fooling anyone?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond, and I have information for thee about thine brother.
Domino: My brother? He's a wonderful person. He made me cry when we were children... art thou all right?
Sir James: I prithee, give me a moment, 'tis just this feeling of deja...
Domino: As I said, he made me cry, he'd come in to my room and peel onions or tell a story about an old hound called "Old Yeller" or that Sir Edward Sheeran was doing an espionage theme song ...
Sir James: (Aside.) Sounds a right little terror.
(Enter Baron Largo.)
https://s9.postimg.cc/eafc35ae3/aa_old_man_4.jpg
Largo: Sir James Bond, is it not? Come with me, Sir James. Let us donate to this good cause. My balls are famous and hath made much money.
Sir James: I believe manys a naughty parchment hath also featured men with large ball....
Largo: Nay, I do it for the orphans. This is for the “Social Society for Skint Striplings.”
Shir Shean, er, Shir Jamesh: That’sh eashy for you to shay.
Largo: I work for them often.
Sir James: You hold balls for charity, Baron?
Largo: Aye, 'tis so. Sometimes for fun, too.  I like to help the great unwashed. I be'eth a man of many parts, ‘tis the only time I let the public see my inner sanctum. Normally I ‘twould never expose my private parts........ well, only to a select few....... do you enjoy sport, Sir James?
Sir James: It definitely sounds better than looking at your private parts..... lead on.
Largo: Splendid, let us have some sport.
(Baron Largo leads Sir James to a long table, with two curious chairs at either side in front of two large fireplaces.)
Sir James: These chairs look most strange, though I am most relieved that mine does not have a hole in the seat.
Largo: Ye chairs art made from metal forks, knives, and spoons. From the new Scandanavian designer Lord Ikea.
Sir James: Ah, ‘tis a Game of Utensils or mayhap Cutlery then?
Largo: Nay, the metal ist to conduct the heat from ye fireplaces. Sit down, Sir James.
(They sit, as a crowd gathers.)
Sir James: And what ist ye game we shall play? Reformation Cathedral Roulette, European Royal Family Top Trumps, The Winking of the Tiddles?
Largo: A game of strategy, military tactics, skill and .....
Sir James: Yea, Twister!!!
Largo: ....domination!
Sir James: Should not that practice be done in Madame Whiplash's dungeon?
(Several of the crowd murmur agreement.)
Largo: We shalt play Battleships! (He produces a box containing the game, and two blond stewards lay out papers and a stylus before the players before retreating to the fireplaces. One of ye stewards hast a hand made of gold, while ye other ist very short.) Shall we begin? You go first.
Sir James: A3.
Largo. Miss! B2.
Sir James: Hit. Ow! Mine chair ist getting hotter!
Largo: Oh, I didst forget to tell thee- for every hit, ye stewards will throw more logs upon the fire behind the player hit so unlike armchair admirals we will share the pain of our sailors. As thou wert unaware of this, we begin again. C2.
Sir James: Miss. C2!
Largo: Hit!
(Ye stewards put more logs on Baron Largo's fire. He begin’eth to sweat...)
Largo: A5.
Sir James: Miss. D6.
(Ye heat rises as the game continues. Both Sir James and Baron Largo start to feel very warm, then hot, then begin to burn... Finally Baron Largo stands up.)
Largo: Wow, things were getting a little hot. ... Thou hast won, Sir James.
Sir James: We hath a saying "If thee cannot stand the heat ..."
Largo: I had to stand, the heat ....  I thought I could smell bacon pizza... This feels like the second time thou hast beaten me, Sir James..... But this is the best of five!
Sir James: I'll settle for one dance...
Largo: I thought you'd never ask me....
Sir James: ......with Domino and one kiss.
(There is the sound of a passionate kiss.)
Sir James: Thank ye, Maximilian, but I actually meant a kiss from Domino!
Largo: No body’s perfect- apart from mine, I have the body of a Greek God. And if he ever finds out what I’m doing with it he’ll be madder than Hell!
Sir James: Settle I shalt for one dance with Dominoes....  I mean Domino....  and can I order a pizza? I can smell it now too.
Largo: Very well. Do you lose as gracefully as you win?
Sir James: Hell no!!  I go ballistic, shouting and tipping over the board!
Largo: As do I- so forgive me, I'm off to beat a servant, I shall see you both... later.
(Baron Largo signals for ye band to begin. The bass player hurriedly puts down his whisky and they play. Sir James leads Domino to the floor and they dance.)
Domino: I love to dance.
Sir James: I knew those three years of tap and interpretative dance would'st pay off! This dance competition is as good as ours. No-one puts Domino in the corner.
Domino: Tell me what thou doth seek and why thou art here.
Sir James: ‘Tis a great conspiracy, and it doth involve thine brother.
Domino: I never meet anyone like my brother.....  and I have tried Tinder, speed dating adverts in singles magazines, leaving cards in shop windows...
Sir James: Only men such as me or Largo?
Domino: Thou art not like him.
Sir James: Damn, déjà vu all over again...
Domino: I can tell by the way thou doth... hold me.
Sir James: Sorry, ‘tis an unorthodox dance hold.
(Sir James doth release his hold on Domino's neck.)
Sir James: Thine brother ist dead. (Domino gasps.) And Largo ist to blame.
Domino: Show him no mercy.
Sir James: Keep dancing!
(Sir James takes off his doublet, throwing it to the side and hitting Baron Largo in the face, revealing a white waistcoat while he points to ye ceiling. He and Domino perform a spectacular dance display until Baron Largo stops ye music.)
Largo: Thou can dance exceedingly well, Sir James.
Sir James: I do'eth most things exceedingly well... like Battleships!
Largo: I prithee, join us on our boat for lunch tomorrow. ‘Tis in ye harbour and ‘tis called ye Disco Vo... er, Unidentified Disc.
Sir James: Most certainly. That sounds wonderful. Will I need a dinghy?
Largo: No, we have privys on board and we've changed the chef since the last time.

------------------

Act 2, Scene 7. (Ye lodgings of Sir James.)

Sir James: Nicole?
(Sir James finds Nicole lying dead and hears footsteps. Chasing, he sees Fatima Blush mounting a horse. Apace, he mounts ye steed sent by Wizard Algernon and gives chase but ist dismounted by Fatima.)
Fatima:  Thou art quite a man, Sir James Bond.
Sir James: Well, I have not had any complaints so far.
Fatima: Mayhap, but I am a superior woman.
Sir James: I hast no problem with a woman in a superior position, as many will testify.
Fatima: Yet no doubt I wast ye best!
Sir James: Hmm... well, there was Vanessa Redgrave...
Fatima: Liar- that would be Timothy Dalton! Take ye this scroll and write!
(Fatima tosses Sir James a scroll. From a pocket on his doublet he produces ye stylus given him by Wizard Algernon, and ye elastic band.)
Fatima: Now write- “Ye greatest rapture in my life was-
(Sir James uses ye elastic band to fire ye stylus into Fatima’s bosom.)
Fatima: ...what?
(Fatima dies from ink poisoning. Enter Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: I didst wonder how thou was going to get out of that.
Sir James: Thou hast been here ye whole time?
Lord Felix: Oh, I knew thee had ye situation well in hand. Now, tell me more about this Vanessa....

--------------------

Act 3, Scene 1. (Ye Unidentified Disc.)

Largo: Sir James, welcome aboard. Thou art just in time- cast off!
(Ye boat starts moving.)
Sir James: Ah, where art we heading?
Largo: Thou shalt see soon enough. Chambers have been prepared for thee aft.
(Sir James wanders about, and comes across Domino.)
Domino: Sir James! Why art thou here?
Sir James: I didst think I was invited for lunch and have found myself on a cruise. I prithee, where art we heading?
Domino: To North Africa, where ye Baron hast a house.
Sir James: ‘Tis most important that I send a message- now, hast ye an empty bottle anywhere...?
Domino: Only this bottle of Buckfast, which ist still full, I think- 'tis hard to tell with this blindfold.
Sir James: Worry ye not, it will do just fine... in a moment.  (Glug, glug, glug.) Now, ‘tis time for me to kiss thee- for this, I have three reasons. First reason, because I hast always wanted to... (They kiss.)
Domino: ...and ye other two?
Sir James: Oh, there are no other two... (They kiss more passionately.)

-------------------

Act 3, Scene 7. (A port.)

Largo: Finally, we have arrived.
Sir James: So, what happens now Baron Largo?
Domino: Oh good, I hope there ist a market.
Largo:  A market there ist, and thou will be the main attraction. Men, seize them!
(Baron Largo’s men knock Sir James out, and seize Domino.)

(Later, in a cell. Sir James ist chained to ye wall.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) Felix, it hast been too long... How I have missed your...  Ah...  Baron Largo. Er, hello again.
Largo: Thou wert a very good agent of discretion...
Sir James: I thank’ee.
Largo: ...once. Alas those days are over. From this window here, thou shalt see Domino be auctioned off to ye highest bidder, while thou art left here to rot. I bid thee farewell, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: In that case, where hast thou hidden ye ship with barrels of Greek Fire?
Largo: ‘Tis at a port called Ye Tears Of Allah- not that this will help thee, from my point of view.
Sir James: Oh, I'd like to see things from your point of view- but I doubt I could get my head that far up mine ass.
(Exit Baron Largo. Sir James begins to use his enchanted sundial to free himself...)

------------------

Act 3, Scene 8. (A marketplace. Domino stands bound to a pole. No, a wooden pole.)

Largo: Milords, ladies and gen’elmennnn... what am I bid for this fine specimen?
1st Arab: Two camels!
Largo: Sorry, I don’t smoke.
2nd Arab: Four horses!
Largo: Better, any advance on four horses? Do I hear six horses?
3rd Arab: Five horses!
Largo: Sold!
(Largo departs and ye winner begins to tie Domino to his horse. Enter Sir James, who promptly steals ye horse with Domino and rides off, hotly pursued.)
Domino: Faster! Faster!
Sir James: Like thou didst say to me last night?
Domino: Watch out for yon man with- (Thump.) Too late.
Sir James: Yon man with... ?
Domino: Yon man with green trainers.
Sir James: Ah, that would be Dellboy Deaton. ‘Tis no matter.
Domino: Sir James, they art getting closer!
Sir James: Worry ye not, for through this window here we will go!
(Sir James jumps ye horse through ye window and they land safely in a wagon full of hay. Sir James and Domino run to a cliff edge, as ye horse ist slain by their pursuers.)
Sir James: Ah, ‘tis a shame about assassins and their creed.
(He and Domino leap over the cliff and into the water.)

------------------

Act 3, Scene 4. (A ship.)

Sir James: But how did thou know to have ye ship at this point, Sir Felix?
Lord Felix: Thine message inside ye empty bottle of Buckfast was found.
Domino: But that bottle was full when I did give it to Sir James!
Sir James: Ah, yes, I did deal with that very quickly.
Lord Felix: Now, where should I ask ye captain to steer this ship?
Sir James: To Ye Tears Of Allah, most quickly!
Lord Felix: Captain Farrell, hast thou ye new invention from our Wizards?
Captain Farrell: Why, yes, but 'tis most secret.
Lord Felix: If thou want'est to be an Admiral someday, then I suggest thou dost disclose this most immediately!
Captain Farrell: But of course- I do enjoy pulling rank..
(Ye prospective Admiral, who will one day enjoy a good squeeze, doth reveal two large catapults.)
Lord Felix: Here, Sir James, you take ye left and I shalt take ye right.
Sir James: Most ingenious.
(Sir James and Lord Felix art launched towards Ye Tears Of Allah.)

------------------

Act 3, Scene 5. (A port known as Ye Tears of Allah.)

Largo: Hurry, men, time ist short.
(Baron Largo's men manoeuvre ye ship laden with Greek Fire into a berth as Sir James and Lord Felix arrive.)
Sir James: Thou should stand closer, Baron Largo, 'tis shorter than thee think.
(Sir James and Lord Felix attack Baron Largo's men, slaying them. Sir James and Baron Largo fall into ye water, where ye Baron soon hast Sir James at his mercy until Domino stabs a harpoon into Largo's back.)
Domino: Glad I am that I have slain him.
Sir James: You're glad? Oh, damn...
Domino: Art thou all right, Sir James?
Sir James: I'll be fine- 'tis just that feeling of deja vu again...

Barbel, Thunderpussy, Number 24

28

Re: AJB presents William Shakespeare's James Bond in...

THE ROYAL GAMBLING TAVERN Climax Theatre


Act 1, Scene 1. (Outside a gambling tavern. A steward opens ye door for elegantly dressed people. Sir Jimmy Bond approaches ye door, and a shadowy figure fires an arrow at him, narrowly missing.)

Steward: Art thou all right, good sir?
Sir Jimmy: Methinks I shalt survive.
Steward: Mayhap yon man was a robber.
Sir Jimmy: Aye... mayhap.
Steward: Or methinks, your head attire?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, (Sir Jimmy removes the apple from his head.) I did not think anyone could Tell...

---------------------

Act 1, Scene 2. (In ye gambling tavern.)

Manager: Mine most sincere apologies, Sir Jimmy, I hast no explanation for thou hast not yet begun ye playing of cards.
Sir Jimmy: Mayhap ‘twas mine autograph they did want, or some sort of "Loan Arranger" looking
for business.  I prithee, may I have some chips?
Steward: Most certainly- which flavour?
Sir Jimmy: ...er...  no... the other kind.
Steward: Oh! Of course.
Lord Clarence: Greetings, good sir, art thee not ye fellow who was shot by an arrow?
Sir Jimmy: Nay, I am ye fellow who was missed by an arrow. I am he who is called Bond, Jimmy Bond.
Lord Clarence: I am Clarence, Lord of Leiter, and of thee I have heard much tell.
Sir Jimmy: Aye, yon apple...
Lord Clarence: Wouldst thee sup with me?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, I will have a mead.
Lord Clarence: Any particular way- shaken, perhaps?
Sir Jimmy: Nay, I do not give a damn. Why do thee ask?
Lord Clarence: Oh, no reason. Sent have I been to assist in thy mission. Thou art here to use thine famous card sense to defeat Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: And where shalt I find him?
Lord Clarence: Over there- with a couple of tramps. (Sir Jimmy sees two beggars sitting beside Le Chiffre.) He ist still playing cards and still, apparently, winning. (Some large stuffed animals also are beside him, laughing he hands them to the beggars.)
Sir Jimmy: Ah, baccarat- mine favourite game. After "Go Fish" and "Happy Families”, of course.
Lord Clarence: I prefer Texas Hold-‘Em, myself.
Sir Jimmy: Pray, what dost thee hold thyself?
Lord Clarence: Ye Cards, Sir Jimmy.
Sir Jimmy: There art only two rules for winning in poker. The first is: never tell anyone anything.
Lord Clarence: And ye second?
(Sir Jimmy only smiles.)

--------------------

Act 1, Scene 3. (In ye gambling tavern. A beauteous wench ist talking with Le Chiffre.)

https://s7.postimg.cc/ttbrxcrbr/AA_OLD_MAN_3.jpg

Le Chiffre: Most handsome ist thine friend Sir Jimmy. Good bone structure, fantastic abs, and an arse to die for.
Valerie: Aye, ‘tis so. Here be some etchings of him in his younger Navy days.
Le Chiffre: And hast he changed much since thou didst know him earlier?
Valerie: Nay, except he used to have a slight Scottish accent, was about six inches taller and left handed, with a "Scotland Forever" tattoo ....nothing really?
Le Chiffre: Once in Edinburgh I had a terrible time with Military Bands playing and marching, so I know what it be like to regret a tattoo. Even fell down the steps of the castle.
Valerie: So thee are of Scottish descent.
Le Chiffre: Aye.
Valerie: Why, shalt I talk with him now?
Le Chiffre: Nay, I shalt tell thee when.

-------------------

Act 1, Scene 4. (In ye gambling tavern. Valerie approaches Sir Jimmy.)

Valerie: So, Sir Jimmy, it hast been a long time.
Sir Jimmy: Most pleased am I to see thee, Vesp... er, Valerie. Valerie, say hello to Clarence.
Valerie: Hello, Clarence.
Sir Jimmy: Clarence, say goodbye to Valerie.
Lord Clarence: Huh?
(Sir Jimmy doth smack Lord Clarence on his bottom- he walks away giggling.)
Sir Jimmy: I shalt walk with Valerie to ye hotel.
Valerie: Oh. (Disappointed.) No Aston Martin carriage then?

------------------

Act 1, Scene 5. (A hotel.)

Valerie: I shalt walk thee to thine room.
Sir Jimmy: But of course. And wouldst thee check under my bed, I'd sleep better.
(In ye chambers of Sir Jimmy.)
Valerie: So, thou doth like to gamble, Sir Jimmy. Art thou an addict?
Sir James: Nay, I bet I could stop any time.
(Sir James kisses Valerie.)
Sir Jimmy: For old times sake that was. Le Chiffre did send thee here, I have no doubt, and his men art listening.
Valerie: I know nothing of this.
Sir Jimmy: Then he trusts ye not.
Valerie: Sir Jimmy, thou didst love me once and I still love thee. I prithee, do not play cards with Le Chiffre! He will kill thee!
Sir Jimmy: Bad loser eh? He may try. Now, Valerie, let us remember old times...
Valerie: For thee, sex ist always the answer.
Sir Jimmy: Nay, sex ist the question- "yes" is the answer.

-----------------

Act 1, Scene 6. (Ye chambers of Le Chiffre.)

Le Chiffre: Thou hast done well, beautiful. Magnificent!
Valerie: I have done all thou did ask.
Le Chiffre: Admirably. And does he still love thee?
Valerie: Aye, Look upon this collection of parchments from his chamber.
(She doth lay out a selection of parchment pages.)
Valerie: Look how many times and ways he hath written Valerie, and James Hearts Valerie, and a drawing of us holding hands, with poems of love and admiration. Even a mix list of his favourite minstrel love ballads. Most of them are composed by Sir Justin of Bieber. Sir Jimmy is clearly blinded and deafened by love.
Le Chiffre: Aye, he doth get a bit soppy! Tomorrow I must win, and no-one will stand in my way.

-------------------

Act 2, Scene 1. (Ye gambling tavern.)

Basil: Lord Leiter, I do believe thou hast a sum of gold to gamble with. I prithee, give it to me forthwith lest ye be slain with a slash! (Displays a dagger.)
Lord Clarence: Ah,"Slash for Gold" eh? ‘Tis most awkward for I do desire this sum too.
Basil: Thou hast exactly ten seconds to comply.
(Lord Clarence hails a passing steward.)
Lord Clarence: Steward, I prithee, take this gold and hold it for Sir Jimmy... now what wert thou saying?
(Basil retires, abashed. Enter Sir Jimmy.)
Sir Jimmy: And how did thou fare last night at ye tables, Lord Clarence?
Clarence: Most unfortunately. I do hope thou hast better luck!
Sir Jimmy: Aye, me too.
(Lord Clarence exits, enter Valerie and Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Greetings Sir Jimmy, pray meet mine old friend Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: Le Chiffre?
Le Chiffre: ‘Tis merely a name.
Sir Jimmy: Look Valerie, I'm wearing my best hose and that codpiece you commented on.
Valerie: I did say t'was unusual.
Sir Jimmy: Aye, not many couldst carry off a squirrel running in a wheel.
Le Chiffre: What about the nuts?
Sir Jimmy: I do keep them well away from him!
Le Chiffre: Good luck at ye tables tonight, Sir Jimmy.
Sir Jimmy: I make’eth mine own luck.
Le Chiffre: I did think you had said luck hath no memory?
Sir Jimmy: I don't remember saying that.

(Sir Jimmy and Le Chiffre assume their positions at ye table.)
Man who will never be seen again: Banco.
Croupier: Le Chiffre wins, nine to seven.
Sir Jimmy: Banco.
Croupier: Nine. Sir Jimmy wins.
(Ye game continues. Le Chiffre ist full of smiles and bonhomie, as Sir Jimmy occasionally places a peanut in his crotch .... Le Chiffre wins, Sir Jimmy looks beaten.)
Le Chiffre: You hath been beaten, Sir Jimmy.
Sir James: Oft times, but so long’eth as there is a safe word.... er, you mean this game. I may surprise you yet, as I await word from my friends Lord Wonga and Lady QuickQuid.
(An envelope ist delivered to Sir Jimmy, containing enough money for him to continue, much to Le Chiffre’s surprise.)
Sir Jimmy: Banco.
(Sir Jimmy wins. Le Chiffre leaves ye table. Zoltan approaches Sir Jimmy.)
Zoltan: Mine friend Le Chiffre ist most desirous of thine winnings, Sir Jimmy. I prithee, pay close attention to mine cane- thou will see it ist really a sword. Now hand over yon gold or I will-
(Sir Jimmy heaves his chair backwards, knocking the swordstick from Zoltan’s hand. Lord Clarence rushes up to help. Zoltan flees, pursued by an angry squirrel.)
Clarence: What hast happened? Art thou all right?
Sir Jimmy: Aye, all ist fine... but where ist Valerie?
Clarence: Why, she was here but a moment ago.
Sir Jimmy: And where ist Le Chiffre?
Clarence: I shall go seek Valerie. I last saw her when she did go to fetch the extra money for thee to beat Le Chiffre.
Sir Jimmy: That was from her? I did think it was from you! Lord Clarence, take this swordstick whilst I go collect mine winnings.

-------------------

Act 2, Scene 2. (Ye chambers of Sir Jimmy. Sir Jimmy searches his bag and finds a screwdriver labelled "This is not a drill. Repeat: this is not a drill". He hides his winnings behind the number on ye door just before Le Chiffre enters with Valerie and two henchmen, Basil and Zoltan.)

Le Chiffre: Stand still, Sir Jimmy. I seek thine winnings, for which thou were helped by money from Valerie Mathis here who ist an agent of discretion from ye French government.
Sir Jimmy: Valerie Mathis? Ist that thine cover name?
Valerie: Yes.
Sir Jimmy: Not a very good one, is it?
Valerie: It was that or Stephanie Broadchest... Do we forgive each other?
Sir Jimmy: I should not have left thee alone.
Le Chiffre: Very touching, but I do most strongly desire thine winnings- mine life depends upon it. And, of course, so does yours. Now, Sir Jimmy, we art very serious people and thine good health ist of no concern to us whatsoever. Men, put him in ye bathtub!
Sir Jimmy: Bathtub? Not what I was expecting... Saturday is usually Bath night.
Le Chiffre: Mayhap, but ye censors will not permit anything else. Basil, take Miss Mathis in also- but should she scream, kill him.

----------------------

Act 2, Scene 3. (Ye bathroom. Sir Jimmy lies bound in ye bathtub, his naked feet protruding.)

Le Chiffre: Basil, put Sir Jimmy's shoes on the floor beside that disgusting pair of green trainers.
Sir Jimmy: They are not mine!
Le Chiffre: I am without mercy and there shalt be no relenting. Thou shalt be tortured to the edge of madness.
Sir Jimmy: Why don't thee slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?
Le Chiffre: See these feathers and nail polish, Sir Jimmy? Tell me where ist ye money!
(Sir Jimmy says nothing. Le Chiffre assaults his toes with ye feathers.)
Sir Jimmy: Argh! Ohh!! Ahh!!
Le Chiffre: Excruciating. If thou shalt not tell, I willst start on Valerie here.
Sir Jimmy: I think you'll find we're made of stronger stuff.
Le Chiffre: Now the polish... um ?... red, methinks.
Sir Jimmy: I’ll wager thou loves that!
(Le Chiffre begins to paint Sir Jimmy's toes...)
Sir Jimmy: No! Oh,  the shame of it all!
Le Chiffre: Give unto me thy winnings, or the wig and dress willst be next!!
Sir Jimmy: Ah!! To the right, to the right.... you've missed part of the cuticle.
Le Chiffre: Don't force me to put you in ladies under garments Sir Jimmy, TELL ME!!
Sir Jimmy: You can't do this to me... I'm British! You be’eth an animal! 
Le Chiffre: How did thee find out? Thou art obstinate, Sir Jimmy.
Sir Jimmy: Ye constables will trace mine winnings to thee.
Le Chiffre: Nay, I shalt tell them thou art a good sportsman and turned thine winnings over to me. Now, Zoltan, go and watch in case Lord Clarence doth appear. (Exit Zoltan.) And Basil, take this lip stick, mascara and go ahead- do not restrain thineself....... When Basil is done, even Valerie willst not recognise thee!
(Basil sets to work upon Sir Jimmy’s face.)
Sir Jimmy: Aarghh! I doth have sensitive skin you beast!
Valerie: Stop! When I entered this room I did see him holding a screwdriver.
Le Chiffre: Screwdriver? I know he doth like vodka...
Valerie: Nay, a real screwdriver!
Le Chiffre: Could he hath purchased some furniture from the Lord Ikea?
Valerie: Nay!
Le Chiffre: Basil, help me search ye room.
(Exit Le Chiffre and Basil.)
Valerie: Forgive me, Sir Jimmy, I could not stand what was being done to thee. That lipstick colour just doesn't match your skin tone.
Sir Jimmy: They cannot see us, keep talking.
Valerie: Oh, I remember when we first met, ‘twas so beautiful...
(While Valerie doth ramble on, Sir Jimmy frees himself from his Bonds (Jimmy Bonds), then Valerie.)
Le Chiffre: (Off.) Ah, here it ist! I thankee, Sir Jimmy!
Sir Jimmy: Le Chiffre, give me some water.
Le Chiffre: (Off.) Basil, give him all ye water he wants.
(Enter Basil, who ist quickly slain by Sir Jimmy.)

-----------------------

Act 2, Scene 3. (Ye chambers of Sir Jimmy. Le Chiffre ist in a seat.)

Le Chiffre: Basil? Basil?
(Enter Sir Jimmy with Basil’s sword, and Valerie.)
Sir Jimmy: Farewell, Le Chiffre.
(Sir Jimmy stabs Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Kill him!
Sir Jimmy: All right, all right, I'm doing it, give me a chance.
Valerie: Sorry!
Sir Jimmy: First, give me back mine winnings. Valerie, call ye constables.
(Le Chiffre grabs Valerie.)
Le Chiffre: If thou wantest them so badly, Sir Jimmy, use thine sword- but then thou would lose thine beloved Valerie.
Sir James: Valerie, thine shoe lace hath become undone.
(Valerie ducks down, and Sir Jimmy slays Le Chiffre.)
Valerie: Hey, I be’eth wearing pumps! ....  Oh, Sir Jimmy!
Sir Jimmy: Come on over, Valerie.
(They embrace, as the dead Le Chiffre quietly gets up and walks offstage.)

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir Jimmy Bond shall not return.)

Barbel, Thunderpussy   and a nod to Number 24

29

Re: AJB presents William Shakespeare's James Bond in...

GOLDENBALLS


Act 1, Scene 1. A most royal palace. From a hot-air balloon, several assailants descend on ropes and enter ye building. Apace, they make their way down a corridor only to be confronted by Her Majesty herself.

ER: Varlets! Thee will be sorry thou hast set foot here!
(In a fantastic display of combined martial arts, Her Majesty quickly dispatches ye varlets as from her private quarters Sir James Bond doth appear holding his weapon.)
Sir James: ‘Tis good to see thee looking so happy and glorious, Your Majesty.
ER: Only on seeing thee, Sir James, ‘tis thee who puts the Great in Britain.  ‘Twould seem thine foster brother ist sending a message.
Sir James: Yes, ma’am.
ER:  As if I did not have enough problems with my own family! Deal with this, Sir James.
Sir James:  Ist that an order, ma’am?
ER:  More of a Royal Command.
(Smiling, she doth point at the crest on Sir James's undergarments which reads “By appointment to Her Majesty.”)
ER:  Now Sir James, let one help thee look for that stationery.
Sir James:  How apt- from Royal Command to command performance...

-------------------

Intermission.  Maidens in and out of abbreviated clothing dance whilst an Englishman warbles.

-------------------

Act 2, Scene 1. Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory.

Maid Moneypenny: Thou art most late, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, I was...er...  kept up at ye Palace.
Maid Moneypenny:  Again...? Was it "Arise" Sir James..?
Sir James: I was elevated in the ranks, so to speak.
Maid Moneypenny: Sir Gareth awaits thee, thou should attend apace.

Sir Gareth: I hear thou didst have a busy time at ye Palace, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Aye, a busy Knight.
Sir Gareth: ‘Tis my belief that thine kinsman ye Comte de Blofeld wast behind this attack upon our monarchy.  It has been three years since he didst escape from ye Tower, slaying thine ladyfriend Maid Madeleine in ye process.
Sir James: She wast ye daughter of an assassin- she would not have minded.
Sir Gareth: Thou must find this knave and slay him with no delay- thou didst have ye opportunity once, and didst not take it.
Sir James: This time ‘twill be different, mine liege.
Sir Gareth: Then proceed, Naught Naught Seven- apace! Most sure I am that Her Majesty willst be exceedingly grateful and seek to honour ye graciously.
Sir James: (Turns very pale.) ...again?
Sir Gareth: Rumblings in the Balkans we have heard.
Sir James: Probably all that goulash and spicy food, sire.
Sir Gareth: Thou should begin thine search there.

---------------------

Act 2, Scene 2. Ye lair of ye Young Wizard.

Sir James: I bid thee greetings, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this enchanted Connect 4 piece!
Sir James: Um...?
Young Wizard: It shalt change colour to whatever ist most advantageous to thee in a game.
Sir James: And art thou certain this shalt be useful to me in mine quest?
Young Wizard: Thou doth remember ye dragons in thine last adventure...?
Sir James: Point taken. And what ist this, here?
Young Wizard: This be mine lunch! 'Tis a Caribbean recipe of spiced chicken.
Sir James: Spiced chicken? Surely thou doth jest!
Young Wizard: I ne'er jest about my jerk, Naught Naught Seven.

------------------

Act 2, Scene 3. A grand boarding house in a foreign place.

Steward: And how may I help thee, good sir?
Sir James: A room thou hast for me, I doth believe. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
(Sir James is shown his room...)
Sir James: Um! Very nice, (Though he doth search for listening devices.) I'll just try this window...
(Outside sits a small man with an ear horn.)
Steward: 'Tis ye window cleaner.
Sir James: At night?
Steward: He be cheaper at night and there be no streaks!
(Sir James opens his bathroom door to find a woman with a glass to her ear at the door.)
Sir James: What be'ith this wench doing?
Steward: To keep our high standards, we not only clean our glasses but we listen for cracks too.
(Sir James returns to his bedroom, to find another midget in his wardrobe looking through a knot hole, holding a parchment and quill.)
Sir James: Explain this?
Steward:  He doth draw most intricate, sexy drawings of guests...... as a souvenir, Look you well, he hath been most generous with your.....
Sir James: This room is not to my liking, we shall depart to thine vestibule, where thee shall find me something more suitable.
(They return to the stewards table.)
Steward: Only the Honeymoon suite is available.
Sir James: Nay!
Steward: At no extra charge?
Sir James: 'Tis perfect!
(A most beautiful damsel doth overhear and approaches Sir James. She does appear intelligent, brave, fierce and charming, as well as witty and skilful.)
Damsel: So, thou art Sir James Bond?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis true. Thine English ist very fluent- be thou from ye land of ye Tsars, mayhap? Or can I suggest from ye Balkans or similar?
Damsel: Thou hast a good ear.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis perfectly formed and part of a set. What wouldst thou say to a little drink?
Damsel: Hello, little drink, methinks.
(They walk through to ye bar, inside ye neighbouring casino.)
A Different Steward: And how can I help thee, sir and madam?
Sir James: A mead I shalt have- let it shaken be, and not stirred.
Damsel: For me, an Americano – ‘tis the least offensive of the musical comedy drinks. Bitter Campari, Cinzano, a large slice of lemon peel and soda.
Sir James: For ye soda, I always stipulate Perrier. Expensive soda water ist the cheapest way to improve a poor drink.
Damsel: This I shalt remember.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith. I prithee, art thou sleeping in this boarding house tonight?
Damsel: That, Sir James, ist for me to know and thee to find out.
(Ye damsel departs. Sir James casts an eye over ye gaming tables. A man ist playing Connect4 and, apparently, winning. Sir James estimates him to be of Maori origin, between five-and-thirty and five-and fifty, and authoritative, cunning, ruthless and loyal. Another most beautiful maiden doth sit beside him)
Sir James: Ist this a private game, or may I join in?
Man: I prithee, join us, Sir...?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Man: So! Of thee I have heard tell from mine boon companions. Thou may know me as Mann, Hench Mann.
Sir James: Then let us play! I shalt have ten thousand on ye next game.
(There ist an audible drawing of breath from ye spectators. Yeoman Mann doth look at ye croupier, who gives an almost imperceptible nod.)
Yeoman Mann: Most confident thou art, Sir James.
Damsel: Hench, mine darling, thou didst promise me there wouldst be dancing and merriment tonight.
Yeoman Mann: Hush, Sacrificia, I must make sport.
(Sir James notices a familiar-looking ring on Yeoman Mann's hand, a ring with an octopus symbol. He also notices an extra red piece concealed in Mann’s sleeve.)
Sir James: Mayhap thou wouldst have no objection to... raising ye limit?
Yeoman Mann: But of course- double!
(They play, Sir James using ye changeable colour piece supplied to him by ye Young Wizard, and naturally winning.)
Croupier: Twenty thousand to Sir James.
Yeoman Mann: Perhaps I may have more luck at a different game.
Sir James: Aye, mayhap- what didst thou have in mind?
Yeoman Mann: Come, I shalt show thee.
(He leads Sir James to another part of ye room, where archery targets hang on ye walls.)
Sir James: So, thou art a bowman, Yeoman?
Yeoman Mann: Aye, ‘tis mine passion- shall we play double or quits?
Sir James: But of course.
(Yeoman Mann picks up a crossbow and an arrow, takes aim, and unerringly shoots straight into ye bullseye.)
Yeoman Mann: I fancy thou shalt find that figure hard to match.
Sir James: Aye, it seems terribly difficult...
(Without even looking, Sir James fires his arrow and splits Mann’s in twain. Yeoman Mann looks on aghast.)
Sir James: No, it isn’t, is it?
Yeoman Mann: (With difficulty.) I believe I owe thee forty thousand.
Sir James: I wouldst settle for being permitted to dance with Sacrificia and show her some merriment.
Yeoman Mann: Most grateful I am to thee, Sir James.
(Sir James leads Sacrificia to ye dance floor.)
Sacrificia: Thine dancing ist sublime, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou art not too bad thineself. Tell me, how dost thee know Yeoman Mann?
Sacrificia: I didst meet him but a few weeks ago. Most attractive I didst find him, until I met you....
Sir James: Aye, with this I am familiar.
Sacrificia: Must we talk about him?
Sir James: Why, nay- I wouldst much rather talk about ye Comte de Blofeld.
(Sacrificia gasps.)
Sir James: Thou hast heard ye name?
Sacrificia: Aye, 'tis so- of him Hench Mann hast much fear.
Sir James: And canst thou tell me where he can be found?
Sacrificia: He ist everywhere! He ist in ye pub talking to thine mates, he ist in ye market when thou doth buy thine groceries, he ist with thine children at school, he ist with Sir Boris of Johnson discussing Brexit!
Sir James: Could you be a bit more precise?
Sacrificia: He's in Dubrovnik.
Sir James: And of his plans hath ye heard tell?
Sacrificia: 'Tis very exciting. I’m not going to talk about it but I can’t remember being so excited. It’s going to be very, very special... Think ye Olympics.
Sir James: Olympics, eh?
(Sir James notices Yeoman Mann approaching with two others. They do not appear pleased. One of Mann's men carries a crossbow, marked with ye octopus symbol.)
Sir James: Methinks it may be time to go...
Sacrificia: I will see thee again?
Sir James: 'Tis possible!
(Sir James exits swiftly, making for his carriage outside.)

------------------

Act 2, Scene 4. Outside ye casino.

(Sir James runs apace to his carriage, pursued by Yeoman Mann and his men, but find two more varlets standing waiting in his path. Quickly he turns into a narrow alleyway, now with all ye varlets pursuing, dodging arrows from ye man with ye crossbow. Suddenly an arm doth reach out and drag him into a doorway.)

Voice: Sssh...
(Sir James keeps silent as his pursuers go down ye alley, straight past ye doorway where he and his mysterious confederate art hiding, then turns to see who his benefactor may be.)
Sir James: (Delighted.) Lord Felix! ‘Tis thee!
Lord Felix: It looked like thou could use a helping hand, Sir James. Most pleased am I to see thee.
Sir James: And I thee, but what art thou doing here?
Lord Felix: Why, I have been keeping mine eye that never sleeps on a certain Yeoman Mann- who if I be not mistaken was pursuing thee down this alley. Didst thou steal his ladyfriend, mayhap?
Sir James: Hmm, would I do such a thing?
Lord Felix: Yes, you bloody well would. Now, what art thou doing here?
Sir James:  I do seek ye Comte de Blofeld, as ever.
Lord Felix: Mine information ist that he is-
Sir James:  -in Dubrovnik, aye. Methinks we should pool our efforts and share our information.
Lord Felix: But of course. I do believe there ist a tavern handy, let us go there. Things should go smoothly, now.
Sir James: I do hope that you are Wright.
Lord Felix: Many people hope that I am Wright....

https://s8.postimg.cc/j0w91hyyp/AA_OLD_MAN_3.jpg

----------------

Act 2, Scene 5. In ye boarding house, Sir James enters his chambers.

Sacrificia: Thou did say ‘twas possible we should meet again...
Sir James: Sacrificia! What art thou doing here?
Sacrificia: Nothing- at ye moment... But I did hope thou could do something about that.
Sir James: I trust I shalt rise to ye occasion.
Sacrificia: No doubt. But first, I must tell thee that Hench hast a meeting tomorrow at ye Centre Point tower- you know, the one in Dubrovnik.  He would not say, but I believe ‘tis with ye Comte.
Sir James: Then there I must go- but first....
(They kiss, before a discreet interval.)
Sacrificia: That was wonderful, thou art truly ye best.
Sir James: Nobody does it better!
Sacrificia: May I have a drink, Sir James?
Sir James: But of course. I do believe I have a little something in mine valise...
(Sir James rises and goes to ye table to open his valise, but ist knocked on his head by an unseen assailant and falls unconscious for some time.)
Sir James: (Awakening.) Mmm.... say that again, Felix.... thou knowest how it makes me... (Awakes.) ....what? Sacrificia...
(Sir James groggily rises and goes to ye bed, where he doth find ye body of Sacrificia buried under a mound of Connect4 pieces. There ist a note on top.)
Sir James: (Reading.) “She loosened her lips, now she's had her chips"

-----------------

Act 2, Scene 6. A villain’s lair. At the head of a long table, surrounded by his acolytes,  sits ye Comte de Blofeld- charismatic, powerful, innovative, cosmopolitan, bright, cold and vindictive. Enter Yeoman Mann.

Yeoman Mann:  I bid thee greetings, Comte.
Comte: What news dost thou bring'eth me, Yeoman Mann?
Yeoman Mann: ‘Twould appear that, er, an associate of mine did pass on information about thine whereabouts to Sir James Bond.
Comte: So naturally thou hast slain him- well done!
Yeoman Mann: Er, nay, mine liege, but I have slain her! I gave Sir James a strongly-worded letter of warning, that should make him back off.
Comte: (Facepalms.) ...a strongly-worded letter? To Sir James Bond???
Yeoman Mann: Aye, ‘tis so.
Comte: Mann... did I not say to thee some weeks ago that it would be terrible if some accident did befall Sir James?
Yeoman Mann: Aye, Comte, but ‘twould seem such did not come to pass.
Comte: ... and then did I not say that his death would greatly please me?
Yeoman Mann: Alack, he doth appear in good health.
Comte: Indeed. Mayhap I did not make myself clear enough. But no matter, I am sure that thine successor will have no difficulty in following mine instructions.
Yeoman Mann: Mine successor?
(Enter Yeoman Hinx, rather scarred now but still very formidable. He walks up to Mann.)
Yeoman Mann: Oh, shi-
(Yeoman Hinx effortlessly picks up Yeoman Mann with one hand and smashes him against the wall. His lifeless body slumps to ye floor.)
Comte: Tsk, tsk, what a mess. Yeoman Mitchell, Yeoman Webb- take this body away! (Two yeomen follow ye Comte’s orders.) Now, Yeoman Hinx- I take it thou knowest what needs to be done?
(Yeoman Hinx nods and exits.)

-------------------

Act 3, Scene 1. Sir James drives his carriage into Dubrovnik, and passes ye Centre Point.

Sir James:  Hmm, a most impressive building. Four guards at ye door, a moat, and cannon at each corner. ‘Twould be good to assail it from above- mayhap in a modern state of the art version of ye tiny winged chariot ye Old Wizard did give me to fly over ye volcanoes in Japan...?  Or some other modern tech, some of them look amazing!  ‘Twould be most interesting. But nay, today that sort of thing hardly feels right, ‘tis exactly the kind of thing I need to avoid.
(Sir James arrives at a grand boarding house, and is met by a doorman.)
Doorman: Hail, good sir, allow me to park thine carriage. A most magnificent steed thou doth have pulling it!
Sir James: Aye, but do not let her boss thee around.
(Sir James enters ye boarding house and checks in, then doth head for ye bar.)
Steward: A drink, good sir?
Sir James: A mead, I prithee- let it shaken be and not stirred.
Damsel: So, we meet again Sir James.
Sir James: Most pleased i am to see thee again- mayhap this time thou will tell me thine name?
Damsel: Thou may know me as Hashtag MeOne.
Sir James: Not MeTwo, then?
MeOne: Nay, that ist mine sister. I didst think that we would meet here in Dubrovnik, somehow.
Sir James: Me too, MeOne. I do have ye impression we art chasing ye same tiger, thou pulling on different tails.
MeOne: And I think yon tiger doth reside in yon tower thou wert studying a few moments ago?
Sir James: Um, most observant thou art. Thou shalt dine with me forthwith.
MeOne: I think it not, Sir James, though I cannot deny the thought hast crossed my mind. I have no doubt we shalt meet again before too long.
(Exit MeOne. Sir James finishes his drink and walks thoughtfully from ye bar.)

------------------

Act 3, Scene 2. Ye chambers of Sir James.

Lord Felix: Thou art late as usual, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, I didst meet a most interesting damsel- hast thou heard of a Hashtag MeOne?
Lord Felix: Nay, she ist not one of mine associates. Thou hast had a look at ye tower?
Sir James: Aye, it doth seem most formidable.  Hast thou a plan to get us in?
Lord Felix: But of course. All we have to do ist-
(Ye door ist thrust open and Yeoman Hinx enters apace. He doth seize Lord Felix and throw him at Sir James, sending both into a tangled heap in ye corner.)
Sir James: Why, Felix, of this moment I have dreamt-
Lord Felix: Later!
(Lord Felix draws his dagger and lunges at Yeoman Hinx, but ist swatted aside. Sir James punches Hinx in ye stomach, to no avail, Yeoman Hinx brushing off strong blows that would fell any normal man. Lord Felix lashes out with his foot, tripping Hinx, and he and Sir James set upon him. It doth seem as if Yeoman Hinx ist gaining ye upper hand until...)
Sir James: There ist just one chance- now, in which pocket did I put it...?
(Sir James searches ye pockets of his doublet until he doth find a boon from ye Young Wizard- a jet powered hoverboard- and proceeds to batter Yeoman Hinx with it, until he ist slain.)
Sir James: ‘Twould seem that going low tech with a dose of tradecraft ist ye way to go...
Lord Felix: Sir James, art thee all right? Ist he slain?
Sir James: Aye, to both. Now, thou wert telling me about thine plan to get into ye tower?
Lord Felix: ‘Twould seem that events have come up with a better one...

---------------

Act 3, Scene 3. Outside ye Centre Point tower. What appears to be Yeoman Hinx doth approach.

Sir James: (Inside.) Stop fidgeting!
Lord Felix: Ssh! Stop talking!
Sir James: This was a crazy idea.
Lord Felix: Thou hast never heard of ye Trojan Horse? Now ssh!
Guard: Hail to thee, Yeoman Hinx.
("Hinx" nods.  Ye guards step aside to let him enter.)
Lord Felix: We are inside now, almost there...
Sir James: Next time we do this, I get on top.
Lord Felix: In thine dreams, Sir James.
Sir James: ...er...  ajb007/embarrassed
Lord Felix: Turn about ist fair play. Now, let me see... Aye, let us head in this direction.
(They start climbing ye stairs. A sign reads “Meeting room. Nothing special going on here.”)
Lord Felix: Aye, let us go in here.
(In ye room, they quickly shed their grotesque disguise and begin searching.)
MeOne: Thee will find nothing here, boys, I have searched already.
Sir James: MeOne! So, thine tiger’s tail hast led thee here too.
MeOne: ‘Twould seem that thine quarry hast departed- though I did find this parchment...
Sir James: (Reading.) ‘Tis five naughts- three more than I. What can this mean?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis apparent thou art not a sporting man, Sir James, even when thou art at thine best. This is ye Olympic symbol.
MeOne: Aye, sent have I been by ye secret intelligence division of ye Olympic Committee since we didst hear that ye Comte de Blofeld  was making plans involving our next games.
Sir James: And when do they commence?
MeOne: In less than two days- in London.
(Sir James groans.)
Lord Felix: A problem, Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, ‘tis just that this time I had been hoping for Australia, mayhap, or somewhere in Africa- not London again!
(From off an alarm rings and there ist ye sound of running feet.)
MeOne: Methinks ‘tis time we were not here.
Sir James: To ye window, apace! Felix, grab those curtains I prithee!
Lord Felix: Do thee need a dress to go to a ball?
(Lord Felix pulls down ye curtains from a window, and quickly Sir James knots them into a makeshift rope, tying it to a desk.)
Lord Felix: Art thou sure this will work?
Sir James: It should do, I’ve done this before.
(Ye guards burst into ye room just as Sir James, Lord Felix and MeOne leap out of ye window. In the street below, Sir James kicks the driver from a carriage and takes ye reins as Lord Felix and MeOne jump in.)
Sir James: Hold on tight!
Lord Felix: Hey Sir James, where we're going I swear my nerves are showing.
Sir James: Don't set your hopes up way too high- the living's in the way I drive.
MeOne: They art following us, Sir James.
Sir James: Not for long, I assure ye!
(Ye guards’ carriage pursues them through the streets of Dubrovnik, Sir James managing to stay ahead.)
Lord Felix: Sir James, mayhap thou hast a boon from thine Wizard which would help us out here?
Sir James: Aye, but ‘tis in mine own carriage.
Lord Felix: Then allow me...
(Lord Felix doth produce a firecracker from his doublet, sets it alight, then throws it at ye pursuing carriage. The firecracker explodes, and ye varlets’ carriage ist sent crashing into a nearby building.)
MeOne: Well done! But, Sir James, watch out for yon man with green trainers!
Sir James: What? (Thump.)
MeOne: Too late....

---------------

Act 4, Scene 1. Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory. Sir James ist greeted by William of Tanner.

Tanner: ‘Tis good to see ye, Sir James.  Maid Moneypenny ist so concerned, she has her worry balls out!
Sir James: Really, how long did she have them in for?
Tanner: I neglected to ask...
Maid Moneypenny: Sir James, thou art safe! ...er... I mean, I do hope thou hast brought me something back from thine trip.
Sir James: Only mine heart for thee, fair Moneypenny, for thou knowest I never look at another woman.
(Enter MeOne.)
MeOne: Sir James, time ist of ye essence!
Maid Moneypenny: (Frostily.) Sir Gareth willst see thee now.
Sir Gareth: So, Naught Naught Seven, thou hast heard tell that ye Comte de Blofeld hast schemes involving ye Olympic Games?
Sir James: Aye, mine liege, thou I know not what these plans may be.
Sir Gareth: Thou knowest that Her Majesty hast stated her intent to attend these games and present ye medals?
Sir James: Of this I had not heard tell- we must ensure that she ist not in danger. Canst thou ask her not to be present?
Sir Gareth: Nay, she ist very firm on this.
Sir James: Then we most certainly have a job to do.

----------------

Act 4, Scene 4. Ye Olympic Games in London. Her Majesty doth observe as ye teams march past. Sir James and Lord Felix look on from a vantage point.

Lord Felix: All seems to be in order so far.
Sir James: Aye... so far.
(Enter MeOne.)
MeOne: I have found nothing out of order, hast thee seen anything?
Sir James: (Looking through telescope.) Nay. Her Majesty ist there, with her son and heir and of course his wife-
Lord Felix and MeOne: Brrr!
Sir James: -and his son and heir, too, and his wife.
Lord Felix: Ist, er, her sister there as well?
Sir James: Nay, Lord Felix, why do you ask?
Lord Felix: Oh, ah, no reason...
MeOne: Look ye, 'tis time for ye first event.
Lord Felix: What ist ye first event, MeOne?
MeOne: 'Tis archery, but with a twist- ye archers art blindfolded!
Lord Felix: Hmm, most interesting.
(Sir James focusses his telescope on ye archers.)
Sir James: What! Ye third archer, his crossbow ist marked with an octopus symbol! This symbol I hast seen before! Quickly, we must go down there!
(They leave their vantage point and run apace over to ye archers. Ye first archer takes aim at his target and hits a bullseye, to roaring applause from ye crowd. Ye second archer tries the same, but misses. Ye third archer begins to take aim, then swivels slowly so that his bow ist pointing straight at her Majesty.)
Lord Felix: We won't make it in time!
Sir James: There ist just one chance... (Sir James shouts to a brigade of the Queen's Guard, all wearing bearskin hats, standing below ye podium on which she stands.) Queen's Guard! Ye archer! Apace!
(Ye guards kneel down, sending their hats scurrying like a pack of trained dogs at ye archer, bringing him down before he can loosen off a shot.)
MeOne: 'Tis amazing!
Sir James: Not too amazing- after all they've been trained to sit on soldiers heads for hours.
ER: Mine most sincere thanks, Sir James, once again thou hast come to my rescue.
Sir James: 'Tis mine duty, and mine honour, Your Majesty.
ER: I prithee, attend at ye Palace tonight so I can thank thee personally.
Sir James: ...but of course, ma'am!
ER: Now forgive me, I must attend to some regal matters. (Exits.)
Lord Felix: Something thou wants to tell us, Sir James...?
Sir James: Why, Lord Felix, surely thou know'est that I am on Her Majesty's secret service!
MeOne: Mayhap she wants to give thee a medal?
Sir James: Mayhap later I can give you one, MeOne?
MeOne: Oh, Sir James!

--------------------

Act 5, Scene 1. Ye throneroom of Sir Gareth Mallory.

Sir Gareth: 'Twould seem, Naught Naught Seven, that ye attack on Her Majesty was only a diversion.
Sir James: How so, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: While thou wert occupied, ye Comte de Blofeld hast stolen the Swedish Crown Jewels!
Sir James: The fiend! What do yon Crown Jewels look like, mine liege?
Sir Gareth: I believe they are in ye shape of two jewelled golden orbs.
Sir James: Bezants!!!
Sir Garteh: Nay, 'tis true. And to Sweden thou must travel apace, to find yon orbs and slay ye Comte de Blofeld.

Maid Moneypenny: So, where this time Sir James?
Sir James: Why, to Sweden I must go.
Maid Moneypenny: Hmm, I wonder if 'tis true what they say about ye Swedish women...
Sir James: I shalt tell ye on mine return, Moneypenny.
Maid Moneypenny: 'Twould make a change, thou ne'er usually tell me anything. So, Sweden... knowing me, knowing you as Her Majesty's Super Trouper I have a dream you'll take a chance on me?
Sir James: Is that the name of the game?
Maid Moneypenny: If thou hast money, money, money.
Sir James: Oh I do, I do, I do, I do! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uC7uzalG5rU

-----------------

Act 5, Scene 2. A port in Stockholm. Sir James alights from his ship and ist met by a carriage. From inside a voice hails him.

MeOne: Greetings, Sir James, what took thee so long?
Sir James: ‘Twas a pleasant sail, and I always take my time when taking pleasure.
MeOne: We shalt discuss that later, methinks. Join me, I prithee.
(Sir James enters ye carriage.)
MeOne: Driver, ye Nobel Hotel. And watch out for yon man with green trainers!
Driver: I have missed him, milady.
Sir James: Aye, many do. So, MeOne how didst thou know I would be here?
MeOne: I was told by a trusted and authoritative source.
Sir James: Ye Daily Mail?
MeOne: Nay, I said a trusted and authoritative source. But we have arrived- let us continue this conversation in ye bar of ye hotel, where I have someone I should like ye to meet...
(After Sir James checks in, he and MeOne go to ye hotel bar. A band plays “Good Morning Stockholm Town”.)
MeOne: Over here, Sir James.
(She leads Sir James to a booth where a furtive figure sits, thumbing through parchments of ye sights of Norway.)
Sir James: And who might this be?
MeOne: ‘Tis mine contact here. Mayhap I should say mine latest contact, for there have been three-and-twenty others. This is he who ist called Bond, James Bond.
(On ye stage, an argument hast broken out between ye band and three women dressed in silver. It ist resolved when one of ye women, a blonde, hits ye band's bass player over ye head with a sign saying "Donna & Ye Dynamos".)
Number 24: And thou may simply know me as Number 24. MeOne hast told me that thou do seek ye recently purloined Crown Jewels.
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so, but I also do seek for strong reasons of mine own ye Comte de Blofeld.
Number 24: Hmm, ye Comte. I am told ‘twas he who did take ye Jewels. Mine sources hear that he may be found at-
(An arrow doth pierce ye contact before he can utter one more syllable. Sir James spies a man running from ye bar.)
Sir James: MeOne, apace!
(Sir James and MeOne pursue ye assassin. Meanwhile on ye stage, ye women dressed in silver hath begun to sing. Sir James and MeOne burst into ye street.)
MeOne: This way!

(Ye assassin quickly jumps on the back of an old female Norse flower seller, whom he moves away!)
MeOne: Look, Sir James, he hath commandeered an old woman with shawl and headscarf for a piggyback!
Sir James: What?
MeOne: Old Norse women are known for their speed and agility ...... and wolf killing skills.
https://s33.postimg.cc/n5iw3yi5n/carry-me-bavarian-girl.jpg
Sir James: Then two can play’eth at that game of sport.
(Sir James quickly grabs an old woman, offering her a purse of monies...)
Sir James: Old crone-  some Krona for the use of thine body?
Old Crone: Oh so much... would that be one at a time or both together?  I hath whips and....
Sir James: Nay,I need a piggyback...... apace!!
(Sir James quickly jumps on the old crone's back and gives chase.)
Old Crone: Who we all chasing, boy?
Sir James: An assassin, quick he hath turned left up that stone staircase ...
Old Crone: I know these streets like'eth ye back of my hand- I know a short cut by my third liver spot. We'll head him off at the precipice.
(After much twisting and turning , they find themselves behind the assassin on the rooftops....)
Old Crone: Oh this be grand...
Sir James: (Aside.) Bizarre, if thou asks me... (Aloud.) He's really whipping that old lady hard to get such speed.
Old Crone: True, and that usually costs extra.
Sir James: Be silent, old crone.
(They smash through a window, to see the assassin's old crone fall into a stall of oranges  as he jumps onto a passing carriage.)
Sir James: Hold on, old crone, I'm going to get elevated!
Old Crone: ...and here's me thinking ‘twas a short dagger in thine pocket.
(Sir James grabs a church bell rope and swings both him and ye crone up and over a small bridge to land on the assassin's carriage. Sadly ye old crone crashes in to ye side of the carriage and falls on to ye street.)
Old Crone: What are thee doing now?
Sir James: Just changing carriages, ma’am.
(Sir James and ye assassin struggle on top of ye carriage. MeOne pulls out a crossbow and tries to aim at ye assassin but refrains, afraid of hitting Sir James.)
Sir James: Take ye bloody shot!
(MeOne close her eyes and lets ye arrow fly. Ye assassin ist pierced through ye shoulder and falls to the street. Sir James leaps down beside him as MeOne approaches.)
MeOne: Assassin down.
Sir James: That was a better result than ye last time this happened.
Assassin: Thou shalt never make me talk, Sir James!
Sir James: Mayhap aye, mayhap nay- but thou shouldst know that ye longer it takes ye more painful we’ll make it.
Assassin: Oh, in that case thou shalt find ye Comte de Blofeld and ye Crown Jewels in ye penthouse suite of ye Centre Point tower.
Sir James: But that ist in Dubrovnik! ...er... or London!
MeOne: Nay, they art everywhere these days- there ist one not far from here.
Sir James: Then let us go- apace!
(Exit Sir James and MeOne.)
Assassin: ...er... hello? I am still here.... hello? Wounded have I been.... hello...?

-----------------------

Act 5, Scene 3. Above Centre Point tower. In Stockholm. Not Dubrovnik, and most definitely not London. From a hot-air balloon, Sir James and MeOne descend on ropes and enter ye building. Apace, they make their way down a corridor.

Sir James: Hmm, this doth seem most familiar.
MeOne: By this time, everything must seem most familiar to thee!
Sir James: Fair point. ‘Tis most quiet here, too quiet.
MeOne: I’ve got a bad feeling about this....
Sir James: Say that not! Wrong franch-
(Ye floor doth swing under their feet, sending them down into an oubliette where they hit ye floor hard and art knocked out.)

A villain’s lair. Sir James lies bound and unconscious.
Sir James: ....mmm.... ‘tis unbelievable.... more, I prithee, Felix.... (Awakes.) Um! Ye Comte de Blofeld!
Comte: I bid thee greetings, Sir James.... mine brother.
Sir James: Say that not- and where ist MeOne?
Comte: Ah yes, ye beautiful MeOne. 'Tis good that thou art concerned for her.
Sir James: And ye Crown Jewels of Sweden?
Comte: An excellent question, and one which shalt be on ye lips of ye world soon- behold!
(Ye Comte indicates a large needlepoint- not a tapestry, for which such are easily confused- upon ye wall, displaying a map of Europe. Crowns are placed over ye capital cities, all in gold save that over Stockholm which ist black.)
Comte: Ye Swedish Jewels art but ye first. Soon, working from ye Centre Point towers in all ye major cities, I shalt possess all ye Crown Jewels of Europe- mine associate Captain Blood is planning to take thine Queen’s jewels e’en as we speak.   There shalt be no alternative but to declare me Emperor!
Sir James: World domination. Same old dream.
Comte: No dream, Naught Naught Seven, soon a reality. Now, thou wert asking about ye most attractive MeOne? Guards!
(Two guards pull Sir James to his feet, cutting ye ropes on his ankles so he can walk but leaving his wrists tied. They follow ye Comte through a door.)
Comte: As you see Sir James, MeOne has been placed in this over sized hour glass, and strapped in securely.
Sir James: Ist an hour glass not filled with sand?
Comte: These are modern times, Sir James. As gin is all the rage, ‘tis gin in the glass! As ye gin falls from above she will be drowned in it, and at the same time the falling gin will lower the minute hand to which my men are tieing you on my copy of one of the faces of Big Ben....... Lowering you into this pit of ex-alcoholic cutthroats and villains, all armed with knives and swords.
Sir James: Why ex-alcoholics, might I ask?
Comte: ‘Tis a community service thing I got roped into, to improve my standing in society. But I shalt not leave thee unarmed Sir James, I will give you a sporting chance.
(The Comte contemptuously places a nail file in to Sir James’ mouth.)
Comte: Ha! Ha! Silence at last. Come, men. we will depart......
(The comte exits with his yeomen as ye gin begins to flow and the minute hand begins its descent....... )
MeOne: What shalt we do, Sir James?
Sir James: Mmphh mmmph mmphhh.
MeOne: Oh, yes, ye nail file ist in thine mouth. Sorry.
(Sir James swings his legs up to hook them on the minute hand and begins to cut at his bindings with the nail file. It seems to take forever but Sir James is thankful for those nights in ye boys boarding school doing favours for the older boys that had given him such a strong gag reflex, breath control and strong neck muscles....... teaching  bobbing for apples to the school Hallowe’en sports team. Soon his binding is cut and he leaps onto the floor.)
MeOne: (Shouting .) Good timing, Sir James!
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis what our continental cousins call the rhythm method! Now close your eyes as I shatter the glass.
(Sir James uses the nail file like a punch and shatters the gin-filled hour glass, sending a stream of gin over his head and into the pit of cutthroats. He quickly unstraps MeOne and both head for ye door.  Sir James stops by a barrel of honey.)
Sir James: Gin by itself is so uncivilised here, I'll pour this honey in the pit too- it's the "Bees Knees"!
(They leave to the sound of much merriment and singing from the pit.)
MeOne: But what now?
Sir James: To London- methinks we have an appointment to keep.

-----------------

Act 5, Scene 4. Ye Tower Of London at night. In an innermost chamber, Captain Blood and two varlets creep silently.

Ist Varlet: Brrr! ‘Tis most scary here!
Captain Blood: Hush, fool, lest ye wake ye beefeaters!
1st Varlet: Thine pardon, Captain, for these waxworks do frighten me.
2nd Varlet: Aye, most lifelike they are.
Captain Blood: Naught but children art thee- these art mere figurines of ye Queen’s most noble defenders: Sir Francis Drake, Sir Roger Moore, Sir Walter Raleigh and so on.
2nd Varlet: That one looks like Sir James Bond! No, no, ye shorter one.
Captain Blood: Dost thou not know that ye Comte did slay Sir James in Stockholm? Now, come!
(They move towards a display case housing ye Crown Jewels. Captain Blood uses a gemstone to slice through ye glass and carefully removes ye valuables, placing them into a sack held by ye varlets as ye Comte de Blofeld enters.)
Comte: Hast ye done the deed?
Captain Blood: Aye, they art here.
Comte: Most excellent, I shalt place them here with ye Crown Jewels of Sweden- now, let us depart.
Sir James: I think it not, Comte.
(Ye villains turn in alarm as ye waxwork figure of Sir James Bond comes alive and approaches them, sword in hand.)
1st Varlet: See- I told thee!
Captain Blood: Get him!
(Ye two varlets rush at Sir James, who easily dispatches them before turning to Captain Blood.)
Sir James: ‘Tis thine turn- traitor!
(As Sir James and Captain Blood do battle, ye Comte rushes to escape, leaving ye sack of jewels behind in his haste. Sir James slays ye Captain as MeOne enters, accompanied by William of Tanner.)
Tanner: Thou hast done it again, Sir James, ye Crown Jewels art safe and thou hast slain ye traitor.
Sir James: Aye, but once again ye Comte de Blofeld hast escaped me.
MeOne: ‘Tis certain thou shalt meet him again.
Tanner: And certain am I that Her Majesty will wish to thank ye personally.
Sir James: (Very pale.). ..again?
Tanner: Come, let us replace ye Jewels.
(They replace ye Crown Jewels, and Sir James ist left with ye two great Swedish bezants.)
Sir James: Ye Comte may have gotten away, but at least I now have a title for this adventure...

GOLDENBALLS
 


(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Barbel, Thunderpussy     A thank you to Number 24 for the blind archer idea

30

Re: AJB presents William Shakespeare's James Bond in...

YOUNG SIR JAMES


Act 1, Scene 1. Exterior Foxhall Cross Boys school for future young discreet agents of the realm, as carriages arrive depositing boys at the school entrance………

Headmaster M: Quickly now, boys, line up.….. That's it …….. Usual procedure: all boys with parents line up on the left...……… You BOY!!! Bond WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING!!!!!
Young Sir James: Sir?
Headmaster M: My office now boy-I have some news!
(Later, in the headmaster’s office.)
James: ‘Tis truly horrible news sir! How could it happen?
Headmaster M: Simple boy, not enough votes from pupils- that's another year I've lost Education rear of the year! …… To think of all the squats I did for nothing.
James: You had some other news sir?
Headmaster M: Oh? …Oh yes, it seems both your parents are dead, a climbing accident I'm told.
James: Oh that's terrible sir!  Where did it happen?
Headmaster M: Well, at the foot of the mountain boy, it's simple physics. Fall from a height and hit the bottom.  Now run along to your dorms.
James: Thank'ee sir, I shall leave at once. Might I be allowed a short time to grieve sir?
Headmaster M: I know many of the boys think of me as a crusty old sea dog with no feelings, well nothing could be further from the truth. Of course Young Bond, please take five minutes before lights out. But no blubbing, we're not Italians or French.
James: Might I be permitted the use of the Priest's Hole?
Headmaster M: Nay, we've had to ask Father Handsy to leave for……. um, personal reasons.
James: Thank’ee again sir, and you will let me know if there's any change in my parents condition.

-----------------------

Act 1, Scene 2. Ye great hall. Young Sir James hastens to join his peers, all standing in lines before ye Head of Intelligence, Admiral Godfrey.

Admiral: (Reading from list.) ...Barry, Lord John?
Boy holding trumpet: Here, sir!
Admiral: Blofeld, Ernst Stavro de?
Ernst: That ist COMTE de Blofeld!
Admiral: But of course. Bond, Sir James?
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James: Present!
(As ye Admiral drones on, ye boy next to James begins to chat with him.)
Boy: So, thine name ist Bond?
James: Aye, I am he he ist called Bond, James Bond.
Boy: And my name ist Felix, next Lord of Leiter- sent have I been from across ye sea to complete mine education here at Foxhall Cross.
James: Most pleased am I to meet ye!
(Ye Admiral comes to the end of his list.)
Admiral: And Zukovsky, Valentin.
Valentin: (Munching a caviar sandwich.) Here!
Admiral: Now, ye art all here to learn ye secret arts of discretion and thine first class shalt begin in one hour. Present yourselves at Room 001 at that time. Till then thou hast freedom to talk and wander ye school.
(James and Felix wander off, joined by a third boy.)
James: And thou art...?
Boy: William of Tanner, but thou may know me as “Bill”.
Felix: Greetings to thee- I am Felix and this ist James.
James: So, 'twould seem there are only boys at this school, no girls then?
Bill: Why, no, ye girls are across ye lake at the girl's school…"Lady Dench, brain quench for young ladies, of quality and deportment".
James: And ist this far across ye lake?
Felix: Why doth thee ask, James?
James: Oh, just idle curiosity...
Bill: Ah, here we are at ye tuck shop- let us buy some sweetmeats!
(They walk up to ye shop.)
Ernst: Hey, we were here first!
James: Nay, 'twas us.
Ernst: And who might you be?
James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. These are my friends, Felix and Bill.
(Ernst is joined by a boy with an eyepatch and another who keep his hands hidden within ye sleeves of his Oriental robe.)
Ernst: And these art my friends, Emilio and Julius. Thou shalt let us precede thee to ye tuck shop, lest ye suffer greatly.
Felix: I see thou hast brought thine brain trust to greet us.
Ernst: Thou art brave, but on the whole stupid.
James: Well, we can't all be geniuses, can we?
(They do battle, Julius attempting to hit blows with his metal hands, and Ernst and his friends are defeated. James and his friends walk up to ye tuck shop.)
Ernst: Eat thine sweetmeats quickly, Sir James.
James: I intend to, Comte de Blofeld.
(James, Felix and Bill walk off eating their choices. They art approached by a strangely mature looking boy.)
Boy: Thee did stand up to ye school bully! Most impressed am I.
Bill: And what ist thine name?
Boy: I am Tomkinson, pleased to meet ye.
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James: Thou art here to study ye arts of discretion, as we art?
Tomkinson: Oh, nay, 'tis my ambition to open a pet shop- I love all animals, especially parrots. Mine favourite ist ye Norwegian Blue- beautiful plumage! See, I have one here.
Felix: But 'tis dead!
Tomkinson: No, no, 'tis resting.
James: He's not resting- hello Mr Parrot!!! (No reaction from ye bird.) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Tomkinson: No, he ist stunned.
James: That ist merely a ripping yarn- come, Felix and Bill, 'tis time for our first class.

---------------------

Act 1, Scene 3. Room 001. Ye pupils file in and take their seats, their teacher standing at his podium before them. He patiently waits until all have assembled.

Professor Higson: Greetings, all. I am Professor Higson and I shalt be thine instructor in ye art of sending coded messages, a most important part of thine future as agents of discretion. Now, there art hundreds of secret inks but who can tell me what ist ye oldest one in ye world?
(Professor Higson looks expectantly around the room. Eventually, one boy raises his hand.)
Professor Higson: Yes, pray tell.
Boy: Thine own urine?
Professor Higson: Correct! Ye page willst show nothing but held in front of a flame, ye writing shalt come up brown. Well done! Now...
(As ye Professor talks on, James whispers to ye boy.)
James: Most impressive! I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Who art thee?
Boy: Mine name ist Geoffrey Boothroyd.
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James: Come, sit with me and mine friends.
Geoffrey: Thine attention I crave. Most attentive I shalt be to ye lore of secret writings, magical gadgets, enchanted carriages and so forth.
Felix: Most pleased I am to meet thee.
Geoffrey: No wish have I to be an agent of discretion- my passion ist in ye creating of those items which shalt aid an agent through his mission.
James: Thine passion? Surely thou dost jest!
Geoffrey: I ne’er jest about my quirk, Sir James.

-------------------------

Act 1, Scene 4. Ye school refectory. The boys line up for food.

Felix: Interesting doublet, Sir James, where were you measured for this?
James: My tailor, Savile Row.
Felix: Is that so? Mine ist a guy in Washington.
Bill: Ah, ye menu. Let me see... I shalt have two faggots, then a spotted dick.
Felix: (Giggling.) For me, ye steak pie with lots of gravy.
Bill: Why art thee laughing, Felix?
James: I shalt explain later, Bill.
Felix: Hmm, I shalt never get used to this British food...
James: I shalt have ye scrambled eggs, with bacon.
(They sit at a table and eat.)
Felix: What does thine father do, Bill?
Bill: He ist in ye army, a Lieutenant Colonel in ye Royal Engineers. I hope to do the same.
Felix: Mine father works in Washington, but his job ist most discreet. And you, James?
James: Alack, both mine parents have died in a climbing accident. Mine aunt shall now look after me.
Felix: Most sad.
James: She resides in a village named Pett Bottom.
(Felix starts giggling again.)
Bill: What subject do we have after lunch?
James: ‘Tis sport, I believe. Mayhap we shalt play cricket?
Felix: ‘Tis my belief they do have an interesting version of yon game here: Stealth Cricket!
James: Stealth Cricket? What ist that?
Felix: Methinks we shalt find out most soon....

---------------------

Act 1, Scene 4. In the courtyard Professor Horowitz addresses the students.

Professor Horowitz: In keeping with the grand traditions of the school, today we have the Annual Stealth Cricket match. Sometimes it can be over quite quickly, while other times it takes.... forever and a day. All areas of the school are in play. The teams have been chosen, the wickets are in hiding. I expect a good game showing what you have been taught so far, and fair play from both teams.
Ernst: I hath made one change to my team, that new ginger boy who ist here via an education grant.
Professor Horowitz: Who? The one who's always eating cheese?
Ernst: Aye, Red Leicester, so he always carries a cheese cutting wire on him. We call him…. Red Grant.
Professor Horowitz: This is most irregular, young Blofeld, no late changes can be-
Ernst: They can be made. Remember when I first came here how you hated rule breaking? But I have taught you how foolish that was. The change of player is perfectly allowable.
Professor Horowitz: (In a drone voice.) The change of player is perfectly allowable. (Shaking his head clear.) Will thine uncle be commenting on the game as usual?
Ernst: Aye, Henry Blofeld will be giving his comments.
(From the crowd Red Grant moves forward.)
Felix: I hear they used to call him Nashville because of his love of bluegrass music, but it was shortened to Nash.
(Sir James approaches to greet the new boy.)
James: You look very fit, Nash.
Red Grant: Before this match is over, you'll crawl over here and kiss my-
James: Don't believe all thee reads on the privy walls…
Ernst: Come away Grant, save thine anger for the sport!
(Grant cuts a piece of Red Leicester with his cheese wire…)
James: You should have some white lemonade with that, brings out the flavour.
Red Grant: I prefer the red kind.
(Sir James raises an eyebrow at the comment, as Grant drinks from a bottle.)
Ernst: Now gentlemen, to sport!
(In the main hall of the school a number of special guests and professors have gathered to listen to the great Henry Blofeld's commentary on the match.)
Blowers: What a glorious day for the boys to be whacking those balls...…… on willow. As the school's Golden Gun fires, it begins!  And young Sir James Bond is the first to bat.  He's walking across the courtyard waiting for the first ball to be bowled. Many open windows, it could come from anywhere. For those new to the game, Stealth Cricket or "Stickish" as the boys call it, is played all over the school, on all floors, with runs scored for distance and difficulty and a wicket being one of the shorter, younger boys. A direct hit on one wins the game, if you can find them as they are hidden from sight. There it is- ground floor window, a fast ball……… Oh well played young Sir James, out of the courtyard for a six. But wait- another from the top floor, almost impossible speed from the bowler!
James: How the hell did he get up there so fast?
(James quickly parries the ball away for only a single run.  Felix and Bill decide to investigate and run up to the top floor in time to catch Emilio Largo, and question him.)
Blowers: Well played sir, now it's time for a change over as young Francisco Scaramanga comes on the field.
James: Good day, thou hast six chances to reverse the score.
Francisco: I only need one, Sir James.
(James rushes up to join Felix and Bill.)
Bill: James, we've questioned him thoroughly.
James: So I see (As he points at ye damp cloth and water bottles.). What have you learned so far?
Felix: There are two Largo boys! Max who's German and Emilio who's from Brazil.
James: The boy’s from Brazil?
Bill: Aye, like the Forsyth twins Bruce and Frederick from last term.
James: Clever, as they be identical.
Felix: Aye. Well, except for Emilio’s eye patch, white hair and being a foot shorter than Max.
Bill: We've sent for Professor Horowitz and we expect Comte Blofeld will be disqualified and have a smacked bottom before bed time.
(Later in Professor Horowitz’s study, a bent over Ernst is looking out a window as the sounds of cane on bottom can be heard. Through a single tear falling he utters an oath as he watches James walking past.)
Ernst: (Aside.) Let his death be a particularly unpleasant and humiliating one.
(As James passes the yellow school carriage a gloved hand pulls him in.)
Red Grant: Now you're the one on your knees!
James: I keep telling you not to believe what's written on the privy walls, ye Comte de Blofeld writes most of that.
Red Grant: Time to cut you down a slice.
(They do fight with a vengeance, until in a full nelson Grant puts his cheese wire round Sir James's neck...)
Red Grant: Time to get all "choked up”.
(James reaches out an arm to try and reach his school compass in his doublet top pocket, and stabs Grant in the arm with it. Grant screams and releases his grip, allowing James to place the wire around Grant's neck.)
Sir James: You took the words right out of my mouth!
(Sir James kicks Grant out of the school carriage, sending him in to the decorative school fish pond. There many fish had been adapted by wizards over time as defence fish. The biggest of which, "Bruce", is half carp and half Great White Shark...)
Red Grant: I be only a little wet Sir James ……..
(Suddenly from behind him the great fish rises grabbing at Grant who struggles but is steadily pulled under. Sir James's last sight of him, is Grant half in the fish's mouth, spewing up some red lemonade, just as Bill and Felix arrive.)
Bill: Sir James are thee composed once more? Where is Red Grant?
James: As Comte Vito Corleone would say… He sleeps with the fishes.

----------------------

Act 2, Scene 1. Outside Foxhall Cross, ye pupils assemble before Headmaster M.

Headmaster M: Today, pupils, we shalt pay a courtesy visit to Lady Dench’s school and I expect you all to be on thine best behaviour. We shalt ride by carriage to ye lake, from whence we shall proceed by boat. Now, into ye carriages.
(Ernst and his friends get into one carriage together, rudely elbowing others out of their way. James, Felix and Bill travel with Geoffrey and are joined by Valentin, delayed by his limp.)
James: This sounds interesting, methinks.
Felix: Ye trip or ye girls?
James: Both!
Geoffrey: This carriage ist most fascinating. I fancy that I could make some modifications, if I could give it my undivided attention.
Bill: As long as thou brought it back in one piece.
Geoffrey: Thine attention I crave, Sir James- behold this cleverly-concealed penknife!
James: Looks like a comb to me.
Geoffrey: That ist what I mean by “cleverly-concealed”- lo, just press here and-
James: - a blade emerges! Thou hast surprised thineself, Geoffrey.
Felix: Aye, it might come in useful.
Geoffrey: Here, conceal it up thine sleeve.
James: Driver, watch out for yon boy with green trainers! (Thump.)
Driver: Too late.
Felix: Do you think we shalt see him again?
Bill: I hope so.
James: Valentin, ‘twould seem that thou hath grown taller since only yesterday- hast thou had a growth spurt?
Valentin: Hm, canst thou not say “hello”, like a normal person?
Felix: Nay, ‘tis true what James says- one day thou may be a giant, or a half-giant anyway.
(They arrive at ye landing where a boat awaits, and line up to board. They art approached by an old gypsy woman selling lucky tarmac.)
Valentin: Hag- rid yourself of thine lucky charms and begone!
(Ye old gypsy runs off as ye boys get onboard. James notices Ernst whispering with his cronies.)
Ernst: (Whispering.).... midnight.... tuck shop... (Notices James standing close.) So, nice day, eh, Emilio? What do you think, fifteen degrees?
Emilio: Better than that- near twenty.

----------------------

Act 2, Scene 2. On board the ferry crossing the lake, James and the boys find adventure in looking over the ship...

Bill: Look chaps, be that the captain of the vessel?
Felix: Aye, that be Captain Ahabytat.
James: Let us speak with him.
(The boys approach the old bearded sea dog.)
James: Captain Ahabytat, I presume? I like boats, and I want to be a sailor.
Captain: Aye, ‘tis I, Captain of this mighty vessel and legendary whaler, and I also do ladies hairstyles, on the side. My parents wanted me to sell furniture but the call of the sea was too strong. Those big burly men, my mate Starbuck, the beatings, the salty spray in my face...
James: Sounds…… interesting...
Captain: Nay, I loved it.
James: Stories of you chasing that great whale are indeed legendary. Um….. Moby Dick?
Captain: Aye, I had that for a while but the old Apothecary, cured me of it…… damn that shore leave.
Felix: Whatever happened to your crewmate Starbuck?
Captain: Oh, he went off to open a coffee house. ‘Twill never catch on.
(Out of the corner of his eye James spies ye Comte de Blofeld and a few of his companions going to a lower deck.)
Captain: But even these waters hold their mysteries. There be stories of a huge cat that prowls these waters, looking for fish, and I shall have him, that…. Moby Pussy!
Bill: Thank’ee, Captain.
James: Follow me, boys.
(The boys move below to check up on Ernst…. the deck appears in darkness.)
Ernst: Touch it, you can touch it if you want.
James: You see now, boys? Ernst keeps writing things about me on the privy walls, but it's him!
Ernst: Yes James, it was me, it's always been me!
(Candles are lit and the room becomes illuminated to reveal a long table with Ernst at the far end on the table where sits a large rock.)
Ernst: This be a meteorite James, or so the old apothecary tells me. When it crashes from the heavens nothing can stop it, rather like me don't you think?
James: If you mean heavy, a bit thick and covered in pores, then yes.
Ernst: I too am unstoppable. I have decided that a person with your skills could be of use to my organisation: SPECTAR!
James: SPECTAR?
Ernst: Yes, Secret Pupils Entrepreneurial Collective Training And Recruiting.
James: I'm not for hire.
Ernst: I even got Ruby to work for us.
James: My price is far above Ruby's!
Ernst: Then you've come here to die.
James: I'll live to die another day.
(A fight begins between both set of boys. with punches and furniture being thrown at each other, but soon Ernst calls out.)
Ernst: Halt, good fellows, we are coming in to dock- we must away, we need no trouble here, come away with me. We must leave apace, we don't have all the time in the world.
(Ye boys tidy themselves up and stand on deck, ready to disembark.)

----------------------

Act 2, Scene 3. Interior of ye grand hall of the girls' school. The boys line up as Professor Dame Judi introduces her girls and begins to speak….

Professor Judi: Welcome, boys of Foxhall Cross, to our school. Here, we have many classes for young ladies in ye skills they shalt undoubtedly need when they encounter future agents of discretion, or mayhap become such themselves. Let me present our head girl, Miss Pussy Galore....
(Four girls enter, carrying a kitty litter upon which sits ye most glamorous Miss Pussy Galore.)
Professor Judi: ...who ist our judo champion. Next ist our supreme archery contender, Melina Havelock, and our award-winning horse rider, Jenny Flex.
(Melina displays her archery talents by unerringly firing a shot from her crossbow at the centre of a target. Jenny falls asleep on her horse as she enters.)
Professor Judi: Jenny! Wake up!
(Startled, Jenny awakes and smiles weakly.)
Professor Judi: No more early morning rides for thee.
(James notices Melina looking interestedly at him, and gives her a smile.)
Professor Judi: It is known to many that I hath often enjoyed holding balls of some size here, and today is no exception. We have purchased the time of a local band of minstrels, who will play awhile for our entertainment. So please make merry before the arduous time for nothing but your studies begin.
Pussy Galore: Please show your appreciation for our great headmistress.
(The boys begin the traditional chant………)
Boys: There is nothing like a Dame, nothing in the world, that is anything like a Dame!
(As ye dancing commences, James casually wanders over to ye refreshment table, where Melina and Jenny art serving fruit punch. Jenny goes to serve James but ist elbowed out of ye way by Melina.)
Melina: Some punch, young sir?
James: Aye, let it shaken be but not stirred. I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. So, thine name ist Melina, then?
Melina: Aye, art thou interested in archery?
James: Nay, not at all, tis thee I am interested in!
Melina: Why, young Sir James, I had hoped thee would not be so obvious.
James: Well, when one hast little time one sort of has to be obvious. In which room doth thee sleep, Melina?
Melina: ‘Tis not ye sort of question a lady would answer. Room 24, second corridor.
James: Perhaps later, then?
Melina: I should say “maybe”...
James: Later then... maybe.
(Sir James crosses to address Pussy.)
James: So you're the famous Pussy Galore….. I must be dreaming.
Pussy: I could very well be the girl of your dreams, but I have an appointment which cannot wait, so goodbye.
(James watches her cross the room to a set of stairs leading downwards.)
Felix: What you thinking about, brother?
James: About going down…..
Felix: Aye, Pussy has that effect on all the boys.
(James follows the stairs down and comes to a chamber with a door ajar. He creeps up and listens.)
Ernst: Good, we might have been overheard at our own school, but here in the girls' school magazine printing room we shall be quite safe from prying eyes. Gentlemen: Man has made many great achievements. We can send messages over vast distances via arrow, send huge rocks by Trebuchet. In every endeavour except …..
Solo: Medicine!
Ernst: WHAT?
Solo: We have improved everything but not much has improved in Medicine. Bloody hell, the School Apothecary gave me a prescription for two leeches last week for a boil on my bum.
Ernst: Ugh! Where did he stick them?
Solo: Nowhere, I had to suck two every morning!
Ernst: Anyway, back to business. Man hath made many great achievements in many fields except…….
Solo: Speed!
Ernst: What?
Solo: Well we haven't really got any faster for years. One horse power is still the limit of………
Ernst: Can we get back to my plan, please gentlemen? (Aside.) Emilio and Max, please press home my disappointment with Master Solo.
(Solo turns to leave.)
Emilio: Going somewhere, Solo?
Solo: Yes, Emilio. As a matter of fact, I was just going to see your boss. Tell Ernst I won’t interrupt him again.
Max: It's too late. You should have paid attention when you had the chance. Ernst's put a price on your head so large that every boy in the school will be looking for you. I'm lucky I found you first.
Solo: Tell Ernst...
Emilio: Ernst's through with you. He has no time for boys who interrupt him at the first sign of a chance.
Solo: Over my dead body.
Max: That's the idea. I've been looking forward to this for a long time.
Solo: Yes, I'll bet you have.
(James hears a scuffle, and through a crack in the door sees Solo being pushed into the printing machine which crushes him in print, as it lifts up he sees that across Solo's face is printed "Out Of Order".)
James: (Aside.) Talk about a pressing engagement...
Ernst: Now, do I have to press anyone else for an opinion? ….No? ….Didn't think so.
(James moves a little to get a better view of the room.)
Ernst: We have had an amicable arrangement at school, I provide some home comforts which you sell on my behalf, and we all make a handsome profit. Tonight I will lay out my most audacious plan yet.… The entire contents of the school tuck shop, not just a few sweetbreads, or sherbets but everything!
(Suddenly James is pushed roughly into the room.)
Pussy: He was listening outside.
Ernst: Was he indeed? ‘Tis of no matter- soon he won’t be able to tell anyone anything. Leave us gentlemen so I may speak with young Bond.
(The others shuffle from the room, but one large Asian boy remains.)
Ernst: Please excuse my friend, James, he is an admirable assistant but mute. He helps out around the school and cleans out the latrines, so is known as Oddjobby.
Oddjobby: Ah-har!
Ernst: Sit down James. What do you think of my little plan, can you appreciate the grandness of my vision?
James: Sounds impossible, you'll have about fifteen minutes before the school yeomanry move in and make you put it all back.
Ernst: (Laughing.) Who mentioned anything about removing it?
James: (Frowning.) You plan to break into the school’s largest sweet store and not steal anything? But why?
Pussy: Nice to see you don't know everything James.
Ernst: I hath been stockpiling my own formula of horrendous stink bomb, it is small but particularly  dirty. I have tried 23 formulas before this, but Number 24 is the most potent!
Pussy: ‘Tis lethal.
James: But of course! ‘Twill render all the stock useless, unsaleable……… I'm guessing you've also been stockpiling your own supply of sweetbreads and sherbet.
Ernst: Very good James, I have indeed, and soon I expect to recoup my investment tenfold. But now you have distracted me enough. Oddjobby- find somewhere to lock up James then meet up with all of us later.

--------------------

Act 2, Scene 4. An easily escapable chamber. Oddjobby ties James to ye wall and departs.

James: Fiend! Come back!
(After a few moments, James figures out that he ist being left alone.)
James: Hmm, now what was it Geoffrey did say...?
(James manages to free ye comb from his sleeve and presses where Geoffrey had shown him. Ye blade emerges, and he manages to cut through his ropes and free himself.)
James: Now, let’s get out of here!
(James climbs back up ye stairs and finds that ye great hall ist empty.)
James: Heavens, how long was I down there? I must make for ye boat!
(James runs out of ye school and heads to ye landing, only to see the boat in the distance.)
James: I must find a way to get back to Foxhall Cross, apace, to foil Ernst de Blofeld’s nefarious plans- but how? ....Melina...
(James runs back to ye girls’ school, and heads straight to ye second corridor.)
James: Let me see... Number 23... aha, Number 24!
(James knocks softly on ye door.)
Melina: Yes?
(James quietly enters Melina’s room.)
Melina: Thou dost presume a great deal, James.
James: Wouldst thine feelings be greatly hurt if I were to say that ist not what I came for?
Melina: No? What do thee want then?
James: Ye boat back to mine school hast departed and ‘tis most important that I return there apace.
Melina: I see. And you figured you could charm ye knowledge out of me.
James: No. That wasn't my plan.
Melina: I do not expect thee to understand- thou art English.
James: Scots/Swiss actually, but many make that mistake.
Melina: Well, I suppose my co-operation could have a price.
James: You don’t mean... oh, no...
Melina: Oh yes!

----------------------

Act 2, Scene 5. Ye shore of ye lake. Melina leads James to a secluded cove, where a canoe ist brosnaned, er, moored.

James: So, a canoe! To whom does it belong, Melina?
Girl: (Off.) ‘Tis mine.
(James watches as a most comely wench arises from ye water and walks towards them.)
Girl: What art thee doing here, looking for shells?
James: Nay, I am just looking.
Melina: This is he who is called Bond, James Bond. James, say hello to Honey.
James: I can assure thee mine intentions art strictly honourable.
Melina: Honey, young Sir James hast missed ye boat back to Foxhall Cross and ‘tis most important he return apace. Canst thou help?
Honey: But of course- get in ye boat, James, and I shalt take thee across. Melina, thou canst wait here.
Melina: (Eyes narrowed.) No fear, I shalt come too.
Honey: As thou wish. Cast off! Melina, fetch my shoes.
Melina: The Jimmy Choo's or the Gucci's?
Honey: Good question. The Jimmy Choo's have a lower heel, but the Gucci's feel more sailor in style, what do you think?
Melina: Honestly, I love the Gucci's- only last week I….
James: Sorry, ladies, but could you hasten thine speed? I do have to stop an attack.
(They set out on ye lake.)
James: Good, we have a couple of stout oars?
Honey: Are you saying we're fat?
James: Nay, I see them now. (Picking up the two short oars.)
Honey: Oh, I see.
James: Rollocks!
Melina: Pardon, James???
James: I hath no rollocks!
Melina: Sorry to hear that James…. a sporting injury perhaps?
Honey: Nay- these! (She hands across the oar holders.)  Just pop them in the holes there.
(James begin rowing, as the girls look at his impressive shoulders.)
James:  (Looking skyward.) I can see a wishing star near Uranus.
Honey: Thank ye James, but many have wished to be near my…
Melina: Don't be silly Honey, James has to focus.
Honey: What, both of us?
Melina: Focus on navigating by the stars.  I remember my Uncle Harry used to be a pirate- during a raid he asked "Where's me Buccaneers?”
Honey: Well, where were they?
James: On the side of his Bucken Head! (James scowls, becoming irritated.) Can we proceed apace in silence, ladies?
Melina: Have you any friends, James, so we and our girlfriends could meet up?
Melina: Oh that would be fun, we could all meet at the local town grocery store.
Honey: Yes, the one where that boy was attacked by the bear.
Melina: Yes, The "Maul". 
James: (Rolling his eyes.) Avast Behind!
Honey: "Vast"? You do think my bum looks big in this?
James: Nay ladies, tis simply a nautical term meaning…… Shut the hell up!
Melina: James we be’eth not feckless.
Honey: True, we do give a feck.
(They approach the other shore.)
James: I cannot thank thee both enough- now I must make speed back to mine school.
Honey: It has been a most interesting trip, I hope I shalt see thee again.
James: Another time, another place.
Melina: Au revoir, James, but not farewell.
(James leaps from ye canoe and heads quickly back to Foxhall Cross.)

----------------------

Act 2, Scene 6. Ye boys dormitory. James crosses to ye bed of Felix.

James: (Softly.) Felix? Wake up, Felix.
Felix: (Asleep.)... oh yes please... I would love that... James... (Awakes.) Oh! James! ‘Tis really thee!
James: Thine help I need, Felix, and apace- Ernst hast a scheme which we must avert.
Felix: Now? ‘Tis almost midnight!
James: Exactly. Let us awaken Bill and I shalt explain.
(Later, at ye tuck shop...)
Ernst: Once there was a dream, now there ist reality. Julius, place ye stink bomb in ye midst of yon sweetmeats. Emilio, watch ye door.
(Enter James, Felix and Bill.)
James: I think it not, Comte de Blofeld.
Ernst: Bond! Thou art too late, methinks.
(Emilio throws a harpoon at James, who ducks out of its way. Felix avoids ye hands of Julius, thrusting him into a pile of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans, while Bill grabs Emilio from behind. Ernst and James struggle together, James emerging victorious but injured as Professor Higson enters.)
Professor Higson: What ist happening here? Hast thee all got some kind of blood fever?
James: Nay, Professor- let me explain...

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Act 2, Scene 7. Outside Foxhall Cross. Ye sounds of Ernst, Julius and Emilio being soundly caned doth echo across ye courtyard.

Bill: So, James, thou hast thwarted ye plans of Ernst de Blofeld.
James: (Arm in a sling.) Aye, for ye moment.
Felix: Methinks he willst have learned his lesson and never trouble us again.
James: Never sayest thou never again, Lord Felix...
(From off a cry ist heard.)
Melina: James!
(Melina, Honey, Jenny, and a crowd of others from the girls’ school push Felix and Bill out of the way to get to James.)
Honey: Oh, James, you’re hurt! Let me kiss it better!
Melina: No, me, I shalt do that!
(Ye girls swamp James, and all fall to the ground in a tangle of arms and legs.)
Bill: I don’t see Pussy Galore.
Felix: Thou must give me the name of thine oculist....

(Exeunt Omnes.)

Thunderpussy, Barbel