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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

(Will send you an even less SFW one by PM)

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Brilliant  ajb007/lol

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

https://i.postimg.cc/xNJn0tkn/108638928-056288138.jpg

Picture from earlier today of a load of bull.

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol
Brilliant C&D
in a similar vein I saw this last week.

Mistakes that led to a relationship breakdown # 1
Asking my girlfriend to sit on my face in my best Sean Connery voice!

It was either that.....or the priesthood

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  I imagine that relationship had a messy ending.  ajb007/crap

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

It's not often sh1t comes before the bull.  ajb007/biggrin

“I remember the last thing my Nan said to me before she died.
‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’”..... Lee Mack.

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Barbel wrote:

https://i.postimg.cc/xNJn0tkn/108638928-056288138.jpg

Picture from earlier today of a load of bull.

I think that's a very good illustration of the Prime Minister versus Parliament at the minute! ajb007/lol

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

It's Parliament  v The People now SM   ajb007/wink

“I remember the last thing my Nan said to me before she died.
‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’”..... Lee Mack.

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

A Catholic priest suffers a heart attack. When he wakes up he's being pushed through a white corridor.
He asks: "Am I in heaven?"
"No" replies the nurse pushing the gurney. "We just took a short-cut through the children's ward"

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Thunderpussy wrote:

It's Parliament  v The People now SM   ajb007/wink

Yes, and bring it on at the next general election which will hopefully be sooner rather than later. We desperately need a clearout at Westminster to get things done, not least of which is Brexit!  ajb007/martini

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Not many people know this, but President George W. Bush, VP Dick Cheney and Secretary of  War Danald Rumsfeld all secretly visited the front lines during the invasion in Iraq. Everything went terribly wrong and all three were captured by Iraqi forces.
A firing squad is convened and Rumsfeld, Cheney and  Bush are all marched to a wall to be shot. As the firing squad are loading their guns Rumsfeld thinks, "I've got to cause a diversion so I can get away." He yells "Oh, no. A TORNADO" and points behind the firing squad. As the Iraqis turn around to see if there is a tornado approaching, Rumsfeld jumps over the wall behind him and runs away. The firing squad turns their attention back to the two men who are left. Cheney quickly observes how well Rumsfeld's ruse has worked and yells "EARTHQUAKE". As the firing squad frantically looks for a place to take cover Cheney jumps over the wall and he too escapes. The firing squad resumes their stance and proceeds to take aim at George W. Bush. Dubya, believing that he, too, can create a diversion, frantically searches his mind for another natural disaster to use. Smiling to himself, he yells "FIRE".

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

What do you call a Scandinavian porn director?
- Pjorn.

I met a depressed Scandinavian the other day.
He wished he'd never been Björn.

Perhaps only Norwegians will laugh at this one?
What’s the difference between Norway and Sweden?
- Sweden has a nice neighbor.

Last edited by Number24 (8th Nov 2019 18:41)

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Is this  a joke or a political allegory? I don't know, but I've read a lot about Soviet history and this gives a fairly good insight into the mindset of the Soviet leaders:

In spite of the fact that Lenin died before Gorbatchev was born, all the major Soviet leaders were sitting on a train. Suddenly it stopped in the middle of nowhere, and the conductor informed them that there was no more railway track in front of the locomotive in spite of the railway being reported as finished five years ago. The conductor asked the great leaders what to do about the problem. since he was the father of the revolution Lenin spoke first:
- We should free the local farmers and order them to finish the railway
Stalin was next: - We should order the farmers to finish the railway in a day, then shoot them all for sabotage.
Khrushchev: - We should order the farmers to take the railway tracks behind the train and use it to finish the railway in front of us.
Brezhnev: - We should close the curtains, then  order the farmers to rock the our train carriage and make train noises.
Gorbatchev: - We should pay the farmers to finish the railway with the Money we no longer have.

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

https://i.imgflip.com/3r2ix8.jpg

http://www.starshipearththebigpicture.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/coronavirus-toilet-tissue-fort.jpg

https://immigrationandmigration.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/151ca2939d02331c58df5760fc9d2542-7.png

https://immigrationandmigration.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/dfd373fedcaf7d1eb85ac95cb6e47857-9.png

https://i2.wp.com/thefunnybeaver.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/coronavirus-gollum.jpg?resize=835%2C700&ssl=1

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Some German jokes from WWII you could get sendt to consentration camps for telling:


In the final days of Berlin they said that Goebbels was going to step down as regional commander of Berlin and be replaced by Rommel, who already knew about deserts.

Later in the war, a German was called up. He asks the doctor, "Doctor, you're a professional. Which arm of service should I opt for?"
"Which arm did you serve in in the last war?"
"Oh, I wasn't called up then. I was too old."

Count Bobby (an Austrian fool) is finally called up. He is certified physically fit for service and asked where he wants to serve. "In the Führer's headquarters," he says.
"Good God, are you insane!?" the doctor says.
"Is that required now?"

Hitler walks into a Berlin winestore and demands a bottle of champaigne. The wine merchant replies: ”Excuse me, due to rationing and supply shortages none is avaiable.” Hitler: “But I know you everyone sells it under the counter.” Wine merchant: “That’s a lie!” Hitler (angry): “DON’T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?” I AM THE LIBERATOR OF EUROPE!” Wine merchant (enthusiastic, to his wife): “Elfi, bring two bottles of champaigne! Mr. Churchill is here!”

Hitler walks the streets of Berlin, in disguise, to check the real attitude of the ordinary people. He approaches a bystander and asks for his opinion about his plitics. However, the bystander rejects to answer: “Well, it could be dangerous to express one’s true opinion these days.” Hitler:”Trust me, I won’t say a word.” “O.k., but don’t let my neighbors know: I think the Führer is doing a fine job.”

3 prisoners are talking with one of the guards of the POW camp in 1944. The first one, the American tells the others "If I go up the Empire State Buiding I can see all of New York! New York is really the greatest city in the world". The British says "If I go up Big Ben, I can see all London, isn't that fabulous?", the French then says "I f I go up the Eifel Tower, I can see all Paris! You don't have that in Berlin Fritz!". And Fritz says "In Berlin it's even better : I f I stand on one brick I can see all the city!!!"


In January 1945 Hitlers adjutant rushes into the Führers room and tells that he finally has some good news to tell: "Our armies are moving both to the East and to the West. Hitler delighted that his predictions are finally becoming true utters "Can this be true". The adjutant: "Definitely Mein Führer, our armies in the West are advancing to the East and our armies in the East are advancing to the West".

Two shortest books of the World: "Eating well in Great Britain" and "Modern Italy military success stories."

Original contempoary joke: Führer and his chauffeur on their route through the Berchtesgadener Land. Suddenly a pig runs in front of the car; is hit and dies. The chauffeur says to Hitler: " I have to go into the house and have to inform the owner" ; He doesn't come back for an hour and then suddenly appears heavily drunken with a basket full of presents in his hands. The Führer asks him; what happened. The chauffeur replies: "I really don't know. I just entered the room and said: "Heil Hitler, the swine is dead!"

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Number24 wrote:

Some German jokes from WWII you could get sendt to consentration camps for telling:


Original contempoary joke: Führer and his chauffeur on their route through the Berchtesgadener Land. Suddenly a pig runs in front of the car; is hit and dies. The chauffeur says to Hitler: " I have to go into the house and have to inform the owner" ; He doesn't come back for an hour and then suddenly appears heavily drunken with a basket full of presents in his hands. The Führer asks him; what happened. The chauffeur replies: "I really don't know. I just entered the room and said: "Heil Hitler, the swine is dead!"



This made me laugh so much!

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Who was best electrican in Third Reich?
Hitler. In few years he isolated all of Germany.


A joke from 1945:
- How do you get from the East Front to the West Front?
- By tram!


At a dinner with Churchill, German Foreign minister Ribbentrop said : "In the future war with Britain, Germany will have the Italians on our side". Churchill: “That’s only fair – we had them last time.”

Last edited by Number24 (22nd Jun 2020 19:04)

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Why didn't we see the fall of the Soviet Union coming?
There were red flags everywhere ....

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Not so much a joke as a witticism.  On his show last Thursday Jimmy Fallon said of the book by Trump's niece, Too Much and Never Enough, that it "sounds like a Bond film from the '80s we forgot about."

Vox clamantis in deserto

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https://i.postimg.cc/K1kHWhpQ/5236-AAC5-9958-4-BD9-BCD0-6-ED27-E29163-D.jpg

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Earlier I posted some jokes from nazi Germany. This is the Gulag edition  ajb007/biggrin



A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”
The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”
The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...
As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room.
"Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now"
Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims:
"Comrades! You must not say these things! Don't you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!"
The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible.
"Really? Then how do you explain this?"
He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds.
"I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please."
And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar.
The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep.
Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing.
Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning.
"I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime."
"B-but how come they didn't take me?!"
"Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke"


What is the difference between Russian roulette and Soviet roulette?
In Soviet roulette everyone dies equally


Soviet Premier Brezhnev, as is his habit, looks out the window of his Kremlin office at the morning sun.
"Good morning, Comrade sun" he says. The sun answers, "Good morning, Comrade Premier."
About noon Brezhnev looks up through the skylight and says, "Good day, Comrade sun." The sun dutifully answers "Good day, Comrade Premier."
In the afternoon Brezhnev peers out his window at the setting sun and says, "Good afternoon, Comrade sun." "Freddie Uncle Charlie Katie you, Brezhnev" says the sun. "I'm in the West now."

Unlike Hitler and Mao, Stalin sometimes told jokes about himself. He liked this one:
One day Stalin mentioned to Beria (secret police chief, staling called him "My Himmler")  his pipe is missing. The next day Stalin tells Beria he found his pite under the sofa. Beria replied: "But Stalin, how can this be? seventeen people have already confessed to be a part of a conspiracy to steal your pipe and they were shot in the basement of the Lublyanka .."