Shakespeare's Bond: Work area (All welcome!) (Page 99 of 99)

So, anyone have any ideas for a suitable name for the Bond maiden?

I like the second one- how's this?

Maiden: Whatever does she mean, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Oh I prithee, pray call me "Sir James".
Maiden: Of course... Sir James. And I am Diane.
Sir James: Diane what?
Diane: Otherday.
Sir James: (Aghast.) Diane Otherday???
Diane: Aye, but please do not hold it against me.
Sir James: That was not what I was thinking of holding against thee...
Diane: Thine sundial, 'tis most attractive.
Sir James: 'Twas made specially for me by ye Young Wizard- it is an enchanted sundial.
Diane: Enchanted? May I see?
(Sir James shows her ye sundial.)
Sir James: What canst thou see?
Diane: Why.. (Reddening.) It doth show me in thine bed, murmuring "Oh James that was wonderful, do it again"!!!
Sir James: Damn thing's fast again.
Diane: A bit like thee, methinks.
Sir James: Thine hose are very becoming, and most tight- how does one get into them?
Diane: Thou could start by offering me a drink.
Sir James: But of course- now, here ist ye gin, here ist ye vodka-
(There ist a knock on ye door.)
Sir James: Not again!!! I'll get that drink yet.

Young Wizard: Behold this most precious of all items! Sought by everyone, all over the world. See how it spins on my finger. Double-quilted, highly absorbent.
Diane: You don't mean...?
Sir James: It can't be...?
Young Wizard: Yes! A toilet roll!!!

How's this?

Young Wizard: Behold this most precious of all items! Sought by everyone, all over the world. See how it spins on my finger. Double-quilted, highly absorbent.
Diane: You don't mean...?
Sir James: It can't be...?
Young Wizard: Yes! A toilet roll!!!
Sir James: Don't suppose you have a packet of pasta as well, Wizard?
Diane: It appears to have something written on it- let me see...
"Now in times of want
Use the both sides, not just the front
Think of your friend too
Roll back up all of the tissue"
Sir James: Is this some sort of secret magic spell?
Young Wizard: Merely good advice in these beleaguered times, Naught Naught Seven.

Sir James: Well, since thou art here, Young Wizard, would thee care for a drink?
Young Wizard: Well, 'tis lovely to see thee, Naught Naught Seven. Lovely. May I have one proleptic digestive enzyme shake?
Sir James: (Shaking his head.) I do not think I have such a thing. Though I do have a toilet if you want to cut out the middleman.
Young Wizard: Well, what would thee suggest?
Sir James: I know just ye thing...
(Sir James turns to ye bar.)
Sir James: Now, let me see... Three measures of Gordon's gin, one measure of-

(Two black-clad figures crash through ye window.)
1st Varlet: Right, nobody move!
Diane: What ist this?
Second Varlet: Cover them, Mitchell.
1st Varlet: Aye, Webb. Hand over ye toilet roll, apace!
Young Wizard: No fear!
Sir James: Ye toilet roll? But of course.
(Sir James throws ye toilet roll at ye 1st Varlet, then throws ye contents of the drink he was preparing into the eyes of ye 2nd Varlet. A brutal swordfight erupts, and Sir James throws both ye varlets out of ye window through which they entered.)
Diane: Oh look, one of them has landed on a railing spike and it went straight through his spine.
Sir James: What a piercing bore.
Young Wizard: "Piercing bore"? There ist no such expression!
Diane: Well, ye railing ist right next to a crusher and 'tis pretty clear Sir James wanted to say "crushing bore" but he missed, so ist making ye best of a bad job.
Sir James: Enough! Now I must send out to have my window fixed. Young Wizard, I prithee, send workmen to fix mine windows.
Young Wizard: I think I should do this apace.
(Ye Young Wizard exits.)
Diane: A cold wind doth blow through thine window now, Sir James. What shalt thou do to keep me warm...?
Sir James: I know just ye thing. Now, three measures of...

But Sir James never makes the enzyme shake!

OK, I've collected all the above bits together at https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/974718/#p974718