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Maiden: Whatever does she mean, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Oh I prithee, pray call me "Sir James".
Maiden: Of course... Sir James. Thine sundial, 'tis most attractive.
Sir James: 'Twas made specially for me by ye Young Wizard- it is an enchanted sundial.
Maiden: Enchanted? May I see?
(Sir James shows her ye sundial.)
Sir James: What canst thou see?
Maiden: Why.. (Reddening.) It doth show me in thine bed, murmuring "Oh James that was wonderful, do it again"!!!
Sir James: Damn thing's fast again.
Maiden: A bit like thee, methinks.
Sir James: Thine hose are very becoming, and most tight- how does one get into them?
Maiden: Thou could start by offering me a drink.
Sir James: But of course- now, here ist ye gin, here ist ye vodka-
(There ist a knock on ye door.)
Sir James: Not again!!! I'll get that drink yet.

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So, anyone have any ideas for a suitable name for the Bond maiden?

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Some old ones ...

Tamara NeverDies,  Diane Otherday, 
Connie Lingus,  ( he only pays lip service
To her )...... miss B Having ?

“I remember the last thing my Nan said to me before she died.
‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’”..... Lee Mack.

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I like the second one- how's this?

Maiden: Whatever does she mean, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Oh I prithee, pray call me "Sir James".
Maiden: Of course... Sir James. And I am Diane.
Sir James: Diane what?
Diane: Otherday.
Sir James: (Aghast.) Diane Otherday???
Diane: Aye, but please do not hold it against me.
Sir James: That was not what I was thinking of holding against thee...
Diane: Thine sundial, 'tis most attractive.
Sir James: 'Twas made specially for me by ye Young Wizard- it is an enchanted sundial.
Diane: Enchanted? May I see?
(Sir James shows her ye sundial.)
Sir James: What canst thou see?
Diane: Why.. (Reddening.) It doth show me in thine bed, murmuring "Oh James that was wonderful, do it again"!!!
Sir James: Damn thing's fast again.
Diane: A bit like thee, methinks.
Sir James: Thine hose are very becoming, and most tight- how does one get into them?
Diane: Thou could start by offering me a drink.
Sir James: But of course- now, here ist ye gin, here ist ye vodka-
(There ist a knock on ye door.)
Sir James: Not again!!! I'll get that drink yet.

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(He opens ye door to find ye Young Wizard, carrying a satchel..)
Young Wizard: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven. Sent have I been by Sir Gareth to equip thee for thine mission.
Sir James: (Looking longingly at both Diane and ye bar.) Most efficient.
Young Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this-

Now, we need some gadgets for him to supply Sir James with, the sillier the better.

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Young Wizard: Behold this most precious of all items! Sought by everyone, all over the world. See how it spins on my finger. Double-quilted, highly absorbent.
Diane: You don't mean...?
Sir James: It can't be...?
Young Wizard: Yes! A toilet roll!!!

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It's completly up to Barbel if he wants to use this somehow, but that last post reminded me of a beautiful poem I read above the School urinal  ajb007/biggrin

Now in times of want
Use the both sides, not just the front
Think of your friend too
Roll back up all of the tissue.

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How's this?

Young Wizard: Behold this most precious of all items! Sought by everyone, all over the world. See how it spins on my finger. Double-quilted, highly absorbent.
Diane: You don't mean...?
Sir James: It can't be...?
Young Wizard: Yes! A toilet roll!!!
Sir James: Don't suppose you have a packet of pasta as well, Wizard?
Diane: It appears to have something written on it- let me see...
"Now in times of want
Use the both sides, not just the front
Think of your friend too
Roll back up all of the tissue"
Sir James: Is this some sort of secret magic spell?
Young Wizard: Merely good advice in these beleaguered times, Naught Naught Seven.

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ajb007/lol

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Sir James: Well, since thou art here, Young Wizard, would thee care for a drink?
Young Wizard: Well, 'tis lovely to see thee, Naught Naught Seven. Lovely. May I have one proleptic digestive enzyme shake?
Sir James: (Shaking his head.) I do not think I have such a thing. Though I do have a toilet if you want to cut out the middleman.
Young Wizard: Well, what would thee suggest?
Sir James: I know just ye thing...
(Sir James turns to ye bar.)
Sir James: Now, let me see... Three measures of Gordon's gin, one measure of-

(Two black-clad figures crash through ye window.)
1st Varlet: Right, nobody move!
Diane: What ist this?
Second Varlet: Cover them, Mitchell.
1st Varlet: Aye, Webb. Hand over ye toilet roll, apace!
Young Wizard: No fear!
Sir James: Ye toilet roll? But of course.
(Sir James throws ye toilet roll at ye 1st Varlet, then throws ye contents of the drink he was preparing into the eyes of ye 2nd Varlet. A brutal swordfight erupts, and Sir James throws both ye varlets out of ye window through which they entered.)
Diane: Oh look, one of them has landed on a railing spike and it went straight through his spine.
Sir James: What a piercing bore.
Young Wizard: "Piercing bore"? There ist no such expression!
Diane: Well, ye railing ist right next to a crusher and 'tis pretty clear Sir James wanted to say "crushing bore" but he missed, so ist making ye best of a bad job.
Sir James: Enough! Now I must send out to have my window fixed. Young Wizard, I prithee, send workmen to fix mine windows.
Young Wizard: I think I should do this apace.
(Ye Young Wizard exits.)
Diane: A cold wind doth blow through thine window now, Sir James. What shalt thou do to keep me warm...?
Sir James: I know just ye thing. Now, three measures of...

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Perhaps the varlet should have some bad reaction to the enzyme shake, perhaps breaking out in boils?

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But Sir James never makes the enzyme shake!

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The reference is to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIfSQW499Xc

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I know, he's rather be caught dead. I'm trying to make fun of health drinks. Perhaps sir James even has a good quip about it, but I don't.

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Well, he did say he has a toilet to cut out the middleman...

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But that's the same joke as in the film, isn't it?

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Yes, it's a reference.

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Okay, you decide.

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As always, it's open for rewriting etc.  ajb007/smile

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just an idea for a q scene which could be added somewhere ?

( In the young wizards chamber , He is in conversation with a young knight .... )
Knight : T'is all very interesting Young Wizard, Ye modern Knight must hath knowledge
of many secret weapons
YW : Aye, Much stealth is needed in these modern times, Look upon this device
( Ye young Wizard uncovers a wooden box with several switches and knobs ..... )
Knight : What gadzooks is this wonder ?
YW : T'is a magical squeeze box
Knight : To make music !
YW : Only Laments .... for this knob when depressed, uses the squeeze action to
fire a poison dart
( Enter Sir James as the Knight nods his head and askes another Question, pointing
at the squeeze box ...... .. )
Knight : And what doth that Knob do
Young Wizard : Oh He defends the realm and chases any maiden in a skirt !

“I remember the last thing my Nan said to me before she died.
‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’”..... Lee Mack.

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

Will fit that one in soon !

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OK, I've collected all the above bits together at https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/974718/#p974718

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Totally cribbed from the late great Spike Milligan- all I did was change the names:



Lord Felix: What time is it Sir James?
Sir James: Err, just a minute. I've got it written down here on a piece of paper. The Young Wizard wrote the time down for me this morning.
Lord Felix: Oh, then why do you carry it around with you, Sir James?
Sir James: Well, if anybody asks me the time, I can show it to them.
Lord Felix: Wait a minute, Sir James, my good man...
Sir James: What is it fellow?
Lord Felix: I must ask you...
Sir James: It's written on this bit of paper, eight o'clock.
Lord Felix: I know that, my good fellow.
Sir James: That's right, when I asked the Young Wizard to write it down, it was eight o'clock.
Lord Felix: Well then supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn't eight o'clock?
Sir James: Ah, then I don't show it to them.
Lord Felix: Oh...
Sir James: Yeah.
Lord Felix: Well how do you know when it's eight o'clock?
Sir James: I've got it written down on a piece of paper!
Lord Felix: Oh, I wish I could afford a piece of paper with the time written down.
Sir James: Oh.
Lord Felix: Here, Sir James?
Sir James: Yes?
Lord Felix: Let me hold that piece of paper to my ear would you…. Here! This piece of paper ain't going!
Sir James: What? I've been sold a forgery!
Lord Felix: No wonder it stopped at eight o'clock.
Sir James: You should get one of those things Sir Gareth has got.
Lord Felix: Oh?
Sir James: The firm give it to him when he became M.
Lord Felix: Oh.
Sir James: It's one of those things that wakes you up at eight o'clock, boils the kettle, and pours a cup of tea.
Lord Felix: Oh yeah! What's it called?
Sir James: Maid Moneypenny.
Lord Felix: Ahh, wait a minute. How does she know when it's eight o'clock?
Sir James: She's got it written down on a piece of paper!

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol