Fixing the Bond Films

It has long been my observation that many of the less-reputable James Bond films have “potential” which could have been realised had the appropriate changes had been made. Below is a list of changes I would make to each Bond film.

The first problem concerns the order in which the Bond films came out. In On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Blofeld fails to recognise Bond even though he met him in the previous film, You Only Live Twice. Therefore, the order of the films should have been:

1.    Dr. No
2.    From Russia with Love
3.    Goldfinger
4.    Thunderball
5.    On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
6.    You Only Live Twice
7.    Diamonds are Forever
8.    The rest continue as normal

Dr. No, FRWL, Goldfinger, Thunderball, and OHMSS are near perfect films to me. Only incidental things in them require changing. The fifth Bond film, You Only Live Twice, needs a great many changes. As mentioned before, it should have become after OHMSS. Furthermore, like the novel it should have been revenge story with Bond being sent to Japan on a seemingly unrelated mission, coming face-to-face with Blofeld, and killing him avenge Tracy’s death. Furthermore, I would also have Bond take a much more active role rather than the lackadaisical one he adopts through much of the film.

The 1970s were something of a mixed bag for the Bond series. I would make only incidental changes to LALD and TSWLM. Radical changes would be made to DAF. Gone would be the camp humour and Blofeld (having been dispatched in YOLT) would be replaced by another villain. Both Tiffany Case and Plenty O’Toole would remain. Tiffany Case would be a more three-dimensional and serious character rather than a buffoon. And Plenty O’Toole would receive more screen-time so we feel her loss more. Both the Las Vegas locale and the diamond smuggling theme would be retained. However, the diamonds would be smuggled for a more down to earth purpose – i.e. money laundering – than trying to create a diamond laser in space.

When it comes to TMWTGG, I would dispense with Hai Fat and Solex Agitator subplot, silly camp humour (especially that stupid slide whistle), and overtures to Kung Fu. Instead the film would focus on the conflict between Bond and Scaramanga focusing more on Scaramanga as the “dark side of Bond.”

The final 1970s Bond film is Moonraker: a film that is such a travesty that the only way to improve it would be to scrap it entirely and start again from scratch. That said, I would definitely get rid of the “James Bond in outer space” trope, the double-taking pigeons, and the Jaws falling in love gimmicks.

Next comes the 1980s. I would make only incidental changes to FYEO and TLD. I have always found Octopussy to be something of a mixed bag. In my opinion, the film goes downhill when it moves to India and descends into a campy, boy’s own adventure story. However, the highlights of the film is the sequence in East Germany and the scene in East Germany. To summarise: I would make Octopussy a FRWL-style spy thriller set in Europe and dispense entirely with the India-based sequences.

AVTAK, like a Moonraker, is a total travesty. The chief problem comes from the film’s uneven tone. The best way to improve the film would have been to replace Roger Moore with an actor (imagine Dalton making his debut one film earlier) who is both younger and better able to face up to the psychotic Max Zorin. Additionally, I would have replaced Grace Jones with another actress and dispensed with some of the sillier elements.

The only change I would make to TLD would be to try to rewrite the script to suit Timothy Dalton’s strength. Dalton excels at being a harder-edged, grittier Bond. He does not necessarily excel at humour. The film’s script should have reflected this. Finally, when it comes to LTK, I would have upped the production value and tried to avoid the “Miami Vice”-style aesthetic that film carries.

Now we come to the 1990s. I would make only incidental changes to Goldeneye. TND would be entirely rewritten so that it comes across less like an adolescent fantasy and more like an intelligent action thriller. The film’s clichés, such as the Chinese spy using Kung Fu, and the characters would be more three-dimensional. When it comes to TWINE, I would not reduce Valentine Zukovsky to such a buffoon of a character (he was great in Goldeneye, less so here). I would also dispense with the parahawks sequence and try to make Christmas Jones a more believable character.

Of the three films made between 2000 and 2009, I would make only incidental changes to Casino Royale. Both DAD and QOS would be scrapped entirely to be replaced by films that are less ridiculous, in the former case, and less boring, in the latter case.

Finally, we arrive at the films of the 2010s: Skyfall and Spectre. Skyfall is a good film, although I must confess that I find it to be somewhat overrated. Therefore, I would make only incidental changes. The same cannot be said, unfortunately, for Spectre. The biggest change I would make to Spectre is the relationship between Bond and Blofeld. The idea that Bond is actually Blofeld’s adopted brother and that Blofeld hates him so much that he has “authored all his pains” is the most idiotic villain motivation in a Bond film.

These are the changes I would make to the Bond series. Please note that these are just some ideas I have thought of off the top of my head.