Topic: Bond's Scottish Treasure
"May, Bond's elderly Scottish Treasure, came in to clear the breakfast things away. Bond had lit up a Duke of Durham, king-size, with filter. The authoritative Consumers Union of America rates this cigarette the one with the smallest tar and nicotine content...
"May was fiddling about with the breakfast things---her signal that she had something to say. Bond looked up from the center news page of The Times. 'Anything on your mind, May?'
"May's elderly, severe features were flushed. She said defensively, 'I have that.' She looked straight at Bond. She was holding the yoghurt carton in her hand. She crumpled it in her strong fingers and dropped it among the breakfast things on the tray. 'It's not my place to say it, Mister James, but ye're poisoning yersel'.'
"Bond said cheerfully, 'I know, May. You're quite right. But at least I've got them down to ten a day.'
"'I'm not talking about yer wee bitty smoke. I'm talking 'bout this'---May gestured at the tray---'this pap.' The word was spat out with disdain. Having got this off her chest, May gathered steam. 'It's no recht for a man to be eating bairns' food and slops and suchlike. Ye needn't worry that I'll talk, Mister James, but I'm knowing more about yer life than mebbe ye were wishing I did. There's been times when they've brought ye home from hospital and and there's talk you've been in a motoring accident or some such. But I'm not the old fule ye think I am, Mister James. Motoring accidents don't make one small hole in yer shoulder or yer leg or somewhere. Why, ye've got scars on ye the noo---ach, ye needn't grin like that, I've seen them---that could only be made by buellets. And these guns and knives and things ye carry around when ye're off abroad. Ach!' May put her hands on her hips. Her eyes were bright and defiant. 'Ye can tell me to mind my ain business and pack me off back to Glen Orchy, but before I go I'm telling ye, Mister James, that if ye get yerself into annuiter fight and ye've got nothing but yon muck in yer stomach, they'll be bringing ye home in a hearse. That's what they'll be doing.'"
- May gives Bond a dust-up over his new obsession with health food; Thunderball, Chapter 7.
What I'm saying is this: Eon, put this lady in the movies---and start with #22.
Show Bond at home---have him wake up, show a quick montage of him doing push-ups, sit-ups and chin-ups, followed by a shower that is first scalding hot...then ice cold.
Have Bond at his dining room table, eating breakfast, reading the paper...and let his housekeeper have a go at him in a fashion similar to what Ian Fleming wrote above; perhaps it's about the late hours he's keeping, how much he's drinking---whatever. But give us this extra bit of Fleming gold. Entire sequence: Two or three minutes, tops.
Between Dame Judi at the office---and May in his flat---who could blame 007 for his endless parade of lovely, nubile women; disposable objects of pleasure to distract him, from issues both within and without...
My two cents' worth, anyhoo. Thanks for reading
Last edited by Loeffelholz (20th Mar 2007 04:04)
"I am not an entrant in the Shakespeare Stakes." - Ian Fleming
"Screw 'em." - Daniel Craig, The Best James Bond EverTM