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Topic: The James Bond Joke Thread

There must be loads of jokes centred around our favourite hero, submit your offerings here.  I'll start the ball rolling with a particularly poor effort.

If james Bond took Viagra, would that make him Roger Moore?


I'll get my hat and coat

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

Taxi!

Amazon #1 Bestselling Author. If you enjoy crime, espionage, action and fast-moving thrillers follow this link:

http://apbateman.com

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

From last week's "I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue" -

Question- What's the definition of "lambshank"?

Answer- Sean Connery's sheep has drowned...

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

Question:  What would happen if you crossed 007 with Lassie?

Answer:  After he shot you he'd run for help.  ajb007/embarrassed

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

Bond is sitting at a bar in his tux, nursing a vodka martini, when a stunning brunette sits at the empty barstool to his left and confidently orders a vodka martini of her own.

BOND: I admire your choice, Miss...?

BRUNETTE: Conda.  Anna Conda.  [Looks at Bond's left hand].  I admire your wristwatch, Mr...?

BOND: Bond, James Bond.  Thanks, it's an Omega.  A remarkable feat of engineering, if I may say so -- I designed it myself.

BRUNETTE [coldly and objectively]: Oh please, do tell.

BOND: Well Anna, in addition to telling the time, it's a geiger counter, a powerful magnet, and a saw that can slice through rope.

BRUNETTE [still unimpressed]: All you are saying may be true.  Go on.

BOND: Best of all, it has a high-definition video camera that can store up to 12 hours of footage.

BRUNETTE: I don't believe you.

BOND: Fine, I'll prove it to you.  Tell me about...oh, your dress.  [Bond positions the watch so that the camera is focused on Anna, and proceeds to record 60 seconds of footage as Anna describes her clothing.]

BOND: OK, let's see the recording.  [Bond hits the playback, which to both of their surprise shows 60 seconds of Anna naked in bed making bedroom eyes and lascivious gestures to the camera].

BRUNETTE [horrified]: You presume a great deal, Mr. Bond.  What the hell was that?!?

BOND [tapping the watch, annoyed]:  Oh bloody hell, damn thing's an hour fast.

Hilly...you old devil!

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

Pussy Galore's name before she lost her virginity was Pussy Tight. ajb007/tongue

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

I dont know any Bond Jokes or even heard of any

but i thought this may make some of you laugh,

from the AMAZING Family Guy ajb007/lol

More persuasive than James Bond !!!! classic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70Bk8d6agN8

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

What is james bonds fav time of time of year? 'Bond' fire night!

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

If Odd Job Did'nt work for Goldfinger

and he worked for Blofeld

He would be called Blo Job ajb007/lol

ajb007/tongue

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

Well past it, but still dashingly handsome Roger Moore walked on set for a scene in his last bond movie.

A sexy dark haired female agent was sitting at the bar with a long cool drink.

The lighting was seductive, the music was sensual, the scene was perfect.

Roger looked excellent, suave, sophisticated.  Golden brown tan, tall and slim impressive physique.  He glided elegantly through the club.

He caught the eye of every woman there.  But he was aiming for the sexy female agent.  She could not help but glance at him and her eyes betrayed her interest in the elegant, handsome figure.

He took the seat next took hers and ordered his usual vodka martini.

He waited till it was served, took a sip and placed his glass back on the counter.

He was aware that the lady agent could not help but furtively check him out in the mirror behind the bar.

He turned to her, their eyes met, he asked

"Do I come here often?"

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

scaramangasgoldengun wrote:

If Odd Job Did'nt work for Goldfinger

and he worked for Blofeld

He would be called Blo Job ajb007/lol

ajb007/tongue


ajb007/lol ajb007/lol

Trust No One

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

Sean connery came over to my flat one day and offered to put up the IKEA shelf I had resently bought. When he was finished i put some of my things on it,  the shelf collapsed and my things crashed down on the floor. Connery looked on me with mournfull eyes and said:"I am aschamed of myschelf."

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

Posted a joke myself, but I agree with Mr. danjaq_off.

The "Blo Job joke", best thus far.

Mr Number24's "myschelf joke" a close second.  Close, but no cigar.

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

Connery phoned me saying he would be calling around "Tenish"  I told him I knew nothing about the Game. ajb007/crap

"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

In FRWL,
  On the train Bond and Titiana sleeping on Bunks

" I'm cold Titiana, could you reach up and get me another Blanket "
" I've a better Idea James, Why don't we pretend we're a Married couple?"
" That's a wonderful Idea Darling "
" Ok, then Get up and get your own F***ing Blanket !"

"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

Not so much a Bond joke as a Blond joke. 
(Did you see what I did there with the Bond/Blond thing?  Wordmanship worthy of Mr. Thunderpussy himself.)

Bond and a female blond agent, 0036C, had to decipher some secret agent type message. 

Blond agent whipped her small, slimline computer out of her Rolex handbag.  She typed in the
password : Mickey_Donald_Huey_Luey_Dewey_Goofey_Pluto_Washington.

"What kind of a password is that?" asked Bond.

Agent Blond replied "Q told me my password should contain at least 7 characters and a capital."

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

"Oh come on Moneypenny, come to bed with me..."
"No James!" She sighs, "I know you special forces types. You'll be in and out before I know anything about it..."

Amazon #1 Bestselling Author. If you enjoy crime, espionage, action and fast-moving thrillers follow this link:

http://apbateman.com

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

thesecretagent wrote:

"Oh come on Moneypenny, come to bed with me..."
"No James!" She sighs, "I know you special forces types. You'll be in and out before I know anything about it..."

Very neat TSA, especially in these times of Navy SEAL team six… ajb007/martini

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

My dog has just eaten my entire James Bond Blu Ray collection!!! Luckily I managed to beat The Living Daylights out of him!! (No dog was harmed in the making of this joke)

Last rat standing.

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

ajb007/lol   ajb007/lol   ajb007/lol

"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

Sean Connery was so fat in DAF, he had to iron his pants on the driveway.

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

Q is showing Bond ,the new gadgets in his new Aston Martin ,
"here is the button that activates the machine guns,"
press this button and it will spill oil onto the road " turn this one,and it will produce a Chinese cooking utensil,"good god exclaims Bond, are you sure, "I never joke about my wok replies Q .

By the way, did I tell you,  I was       "Mad"?

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

Bond still has yet to learn what Condoms are  ajb007/biggrin

1.On Her Majesties Secret Service 2.The Living Daylights 3.license To Kill 4.The Spy Who Loved Me 5.Goldfinger

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

Bond's favourite treat at Christmas time? Mince spies.  ajb007/bond

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Re: The James Bond Joke Thread

(Alternate TND scene)

Bond: Will I need any other protection?
Q: Only if you don't want any more children, 007.

1.LTK  2.AVTAK  3.OP  4.FYEO  5.TND  6.LALD  7.GE  8.GF  9.TSWLM  10.SPECTRE  11.SF  12.MR 13.YOLT  14.TLD  15.CR (06)  16.TMWTGG  17.TB  18.FRWL  19.TWINE  20.OHMSS  21.DAF  22.DAD  23.QoS  24.NSNA  25.DN  26.CR (67)