1

Topic: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

To lighten the mood here on AJB, I thought that a Jokes Thread would be a great idea that I don't think has ever been suggested here before.

Here are a few (ironic) jokes to start with:

My friend John was rushed into hospital after swallowing a sponge. He's going to be alright, it's just that he's always thirsty! (A German joke)

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I think that I'm a pair of curtains
Doctor: Well, that seems to me to be a mental health problem and I only deal with physical ailments

What wobbles when it flies?
A Jellycopter

A man forgets his tie on a night out to a nightclub. He takes the crocodile clip starters from his car and ties them around his neck instead. At the door to the nightclub the bouncer says to him "Alright, I'll let you in, but don't be starting anything!"

Can AJB members come up with some original jokes hopefully better than these (won't be too hard)?!  ajb007/lol

Last edited by Silhouette Man (6th Sep 2019 17:14)

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

2

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Does it bother you that we're so serious all the time Mr Silhouette Man?

Would you like us to tell you a joke?

"This is where we leave you Mr Bond."

Roger Moore 1927-2017

3

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

whats red, turns round and round and bangs on the window?

Spoilera baby in a microwave

what's the difference between a jimm'll fix it badge and my dead cat?

Spoilernothing, they're both sitting in pride of place on my mantlepiece
'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

4

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

This thread was closed when I posted it over on CBn, so I had to do a nifty little bit of editing!

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

5

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

minigeff wrote:

whats red, turns round and round and bangs on the window?

Spoilera baby in a microwave

what's the difference between a jimm'll fix it badge and my dead cat?

Spoilernothing, they're both sitting in pride of place on my mantlepiece

Ha! Ha! Truly sick as always, minigeff!  ajb007/lol

And, Mr Plural - you're not serious enough here, I'd say!  ajb007/smile

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

6

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

How does a Wookie wipe his bum?

Spoilervery carefully
'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

7

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Frozen apples

They're hardcore

"I could be a millionaire, if I had the money" Clifford T Ward

8

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

DaltonFan1 wrote:

Frozen apples

They're hardcore

http://media.giantbomb.com/uploads/0/1150/2075901-tumbleweed.jpg

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

9

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

minigeff wrote:
DaltonFan1 wrote:

Frozen apples

They're hardcore

http://media.giantbomb.com/uploads/0/1150/2075901-tumbleweed.jpg

minigeff, you are a comic genius!

I can just hear the church bell chiming in the distance!

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

10

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

ajb007/lol  comical genius  ajb007/lol  funny Freddie Uncle Charlie Katie.

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

11

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

minigeff wrote:

ajb007/lol  comical genius  ajb007/lol  funny Freddie Uncle Charlie Katie.

The 'expletives' censor on AJB certainly seems to be working!

confused.com

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

12

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

SILHOUETTE MAN wrote:
minigeff wrote:

ajb007/lol  comical genius  ajb007/lol  funny Freddie Uncle Charlie Katie.

The 'expletives' censor on AJB certainly seems to be working!

confused.com

Rhymes with 'mucker'. ajb007/lol

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

13

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Yeah, I saw it in the field when I quoted your post!

Naughty, naughty!

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

14

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

You may have heard these before, and they're probably not even that good, but what the hell, may as well up my post count:

A man flashes his private parts in front of three old women. Two of them have a stroke. The other one just can't reach.

Two rats are in the sewer. One says "I'm sick of eating   Brexit all day". The other one replies "I agree, let's go on the piss".

1 - Avtak, 2 - Op, 3 - Ltk, 4 - Lald, 5 - Fyeo, 6 - Ohmss, 7 - Sf, 8 - Dn, 9 - Ge, 10 - Daf, 11 - Tmwtgg, 12 - Tswlm, 13 - Mr, 14 - Tld, 15 - Yolt, 16 - Sp, 17 - Gf, 18 - Frwl, 19 - Dad, 20 - Qos, 21 - Tnd, 22 - Twine, 23 - Tb, 24 - Cr

1 - Moore, 2 - Dalton, 3 - Craig, 4 - Connery, 5 - Brosnan, 6 - Lazenby

15

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Some Old ones,


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

Guns don't kill people... but they sure make it easy.

“I didn’t lose a friend, I just realised I never had one.”

16

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Little johny lives with his mum, dad and gran.

One night, johny needs to pee, so off he goes to the craphouse. He walks in on his mum just as she gets out the bath. "Mummy, what's the furry thing between your legs?" Asks johny.

Johny's mum is a bit startled, panics a bit and replies "oh, that's erm... that just my little hedgehog". "Oh, ok" says johny, he has his piss and buggers off.

The next night johny goes to the loo once more, only this time he walks in on his gran as she's getting out the shower. Gran is a bit shocked and freezes. "Don't worry gran" johny beams "I know exactly what that is between your legs!" States johny proudly.

"It's your hedgehog isn't it?" Queries johny. Taken aback by the situation, johny's gran agrees. "Er, yes, that's right, it's my erm... hedgehog".

"I know gran, AND i think it must be dead"

"What makes you think that johny?" Asks gran.

"We'll it's guts are all hanging out."

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

17

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Moonraker is the most realistic bond film

1 - Avtak, 2 - Op, 3 - Ltk, 4 - Lald, 5 - Fyeo, 6 - Ohmss, 7 - Sf, 8 - Dn, 9 - Ge, 10 - Daf, 11 - Tmwtgg, 12 - Tswlm, 13 - Mr, 14 - Tld, 15 - Yolt, 16 - Sp, 17 - Gf, 18 - Frwl, 19 - Dad, 20 - Qos, 21 - Tnd, 22 - Twine, 23 - Tb, 24 - Cr

1 - Moore, 2 - Dalton, 3 - Craig, 4 - Connery, 5 - Brosnan, 6 - Lazenby

18

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Jarvio wrote:

Moonraker is the most realistic bond film

True Story.  ajb007/martini

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

19

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Isn't minigeff a charmer.

"This is where we leave you Mr Bond."

Roger Moore 1927-2017

20

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Napoleon Plural wrote:

Isn't minigeff a charmer.

flattery, oh baby where you been?  ajb007/embarrassed

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

21

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

minigeff wrote:
Napoleon Plural wrote:

Isn't minigeff a charmer.

flattery, oh baby where you been?  ajb007/embarrassed

I think I'm going to be sick after that 'joke'.

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

22

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

SILHOUETTE MAN wrote:
minigeff wrote:
Napoleon Plural wrote:

Isn't minigeff a charmer.

flattery, oh baby where you been?  ajb007/embarrassed

I think I'm going to be sick after that 'joke'.

That's nothing, google 'blue waffle'.

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

23

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Will probably divide opinion but here's my joke of the year:

Spoiler'The Amazing Spider-man (2012)'

Another taken from the very funny Stewart Lee who attepted to write a joke that Joe Pasquale could never steal:

Joe Pasquale goes into a bar. He says to the Barman, 'I'd like a pint of beer please.',

The barman replies, 'Why don't you just come around to the bar, help yourself to the beer and then walk off without paying for it, after all, you, are Joe Pasquale. Or perhaps send in someone else to steal the beer for you and then deny that beer can actually be owned, say that you find the very concept of the ownership of beer hard to understand, or better yet, insist that it is your beer and the you brewed it at home, in your house, even though your home lacks the most rudementary of brewing facilities...'

Here's the vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE9Kthyaco

Made me laugh anyway...

http://www.classicbondforums.tk - Please support our community.

24

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

scottmu65 wrote:

Will probably divide opinion but here's my joke of the year:

Spoiler'The Amazing Spider-man (2012)'

Another taken from the very funny Stewart Lee who attepted to write a joke that Joe Pasquale could never steal:

Joe Pasquale goes into a bar. He says to the Barman, 'I'd like a pint of beer please.',

The barman replies, 'Why don't you just come around to the bar, help yourself to the beer and then walk off without paying for it, after all, you, are Joe Pasquale. Or perhaps send in someone else to steal the beer for you and then deny that beer can actually be owned, say that you find the very concept of the ownership of beer hard to understand, or better yet, insist that it is your beer and the you brewed it at home, in your house, even though your home lacks the most rudementary of brewing facilities...'

Another Stewart Lee fan on the boards - yeah!

Here's the vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE9Kthyaco

Made me laugh anyway...

Wow! Another Stewart Lee fan on here - that makes two of us!

Last edited by Silhouette Man (21st Nov 2012 19:15)

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

25

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

scottmu65 wrote:

Will probably divide opinion but here's my joke of the year:

Spoiler'The Amazing Spider-man (2012)'

Another taken from the very funny Stewart Lee who attepted to write a joke that Joe Pasquale could never steal:

Joe Pasquale goes into a bar. He says to the Barman, 'I'd like a pint of beer please.',

The barman replies, 'Why don't you just come around to the bar, help yourself to the beer and then walk off without paying for it, after all, you, are Joe Pasquale. Or perhaps send in someone else to steal the beer for you and then deny that beer can actually be owned, say that you find the very concept of the ownership of beer hard to understand, or better yet, insist that it is your beer and the you brewed it at home, in your house, even though your home lacks the most rudementary of brewing facilities...'

Here's the vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE9Kthyaco

Made me laugh anyway...

ajb007/lol

The joke itself is crap, but it's meant to be.

However, watch the full clip and all makes much more funny sense. Nice one, made me chuckle too.

MG

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org