51

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

SILHOUETTE MAN wrote:
minigeff wrote:
SILHOUETTE MAN wrote:

Agreed, a case of "I guess you just had to be there..."

It's a Stewart Lee joke - it being unfunny being the whole point.  ajb007/rolleyes

Yeah..... these kinda jokes don't really work in text alone. It's the way this kinda joke is delivered that makes it funny.

Yes, a case of "I guess that you just had to be there..."

Indeed.

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

52

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

After a harrowing mission Bond is resting in a Hospital.
Walking in the Hospital gardens he sees an attractive
Nurse, He tries his charms on her and goes in for a Kiss.
Sadly he fails as she Knocks back his advances.
It's the first time he's been refused on Medical grounds.

I'm available for writting christmas cracker jokes.   ajb007/wink

"Let his death be a particularly unpleasant and humiliating one."

53

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Paddy the Irishman decided he would build a rocket to fly up to the sun so that he could see it better. I asked him, "But would that not be very hot?" "Oh, don't worry", says he, "Sure, I'm going at night."

Last edited by Silhouette Man (23rd Dec 2012 18:44)

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
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"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

54

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Thunderpussy wrote:

After a harrowing mission Bond is resting in a Hospital.
Walking in the Hospital gardens he sees an attractive
Nurse, He tries his charms on her and goes in for a Kiss.
Sadly he fails as she Knocks back his advances.
It's the first time he's been refused on Medical grounds.

I'm available for writting christmas cracker jokes.   ajb007/wink


Yes, I think that you might even be aiming a little bit too high, there!  ajb007/lol

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
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"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

55

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Did you ever hear of the little old lady who couldn't sleep for worrying about the fact that she had only one match left with which to light the fire to keep herself warm and to cook her meals on. Well, she went downstairs through the middle of the night and struck the match - it lit perfectly on the first strike. Satisfied that it had worked, she went upstairs against and went to bed where she had a very restful and good night's sleep safe in the knowledge that the match had struck.  ajb007/martini

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
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"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

56

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

My wife; "I think I might get my dad some slippers for Christmas"

Me; "know what size he is?"

Wife; "9"

Me; "zen vee shal haz to gez vot zize he ist zen!"

True story, erm.... bro?

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

57

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

A guy wearing a wooly hat and threadbare wooly jumper walks into a tool shop. After pulling a battered looking shopping list out of his pocket, he asks the rather short shop keeper for the first item.

"Four candles"

Hilarity ensues with a repeat showing during the 'Christmas special' guaranteed for at least the next 40 years.

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

58

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Cracker joke that will crack your ribs with laughter:

Q. What does a clock do when it is still hungry?

A. Go back 4 seconds

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

Last edited by Silhouette Man (27th Mar 2013 14:01)

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
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"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

59

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman come into a pub. The bartender says to them "Is this some kind of joke?"  ajb007/tongue

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
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"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

60

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Four guys are sat round a table in a bar, one guy excuses himself to go to the karsi.

The three remaining guys get talking about their sons.

The first guy boasts "my son is now a CEO of a marketing firm, he earns a fortune, has a great wife and I got 3 lovely grandkids and he is so generous, that for this christmas he gave his best friend a boat!"

The others look impressed, eager to out do each other the second guy chips in.
"My son is a top lawer, has a penthouse in New York AND he has properties in London, LA and Paris. He's such a kind guy that this year, he gave his best friend a 3 story town house!"

The third guy chuckled. "That's nothing, my son started as a waiter, got to be partner in the bar he worked, then bought the place outright, expanded the business and now has a whole chain of bars across the states. Next year he's gonna marry this stunning blonde model, I'm sure their kids are gonna look great! He donates half his profit to charity and he's such a good guy that he's treated his best buddy to his own bar to look after."

The three guys all nodded approvingly just as their friend returned from the head.

"We were all just saying how great and successful our boys are, what is it your son does?" Asked one of the guys.

The forth guy twiddled his thumbs and looked at his feet, then nervously came out with it.

"Ah well, erm, well he's a great kid and if he's happy then that's what's important to me, but erm, well he works downtown as a drag queen in some club, he's a raving poof, queer as a 9 dollar bill and has pretty much no morales, but hey he's my kid and I gotta love him".

"Gee, that's pretty erm, different pal." Says one of the guys.

"Well it's not all that bad" replies the forth guy. "He's giving all the drag stuff up this year cos his customers have treated him real well. He's gonna run this bar one 'client' GAVE him for a bit, save up some spending money and then go sailing in a boat another customer GAVE to him, then he's gonna have us all up to his new house his partner GIFTED to him."

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

61

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

The Daily Express (or should that be Daily Heil!) always has really joyful, hopeful and happy-go-lucky headlines.

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
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"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

62

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

The landlord of a pub sees two workmen eating their lunch of home-made sandwiches when he warns them, "You can't eat your own food in here!" At this the two workmen swap each other's sandwiches.

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
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"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

63

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Man walks into the Olympics holding a really long stick and is stopped by security.

"Excuse me" says the guard "are you a pole vaulter"

"No" replies the man "I'm German and how did you know my name was Vaulter?"

64

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

A man is having his balls examined at the doctors.

"Don't worry" says the doctor "it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure"

"But I haven't got an erection" protests the patient.

"No" says the doctor "but I have"

65

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Tesco's are launching a new range of burgers, low in fat but apparently high in shergar....

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

66

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

"My Lidl Pony "

"Let his death be a particularly unpleasant and humiliating one."

67

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

The Mrs is doing a special meal tonight, my favourite prawn cocktail for a starter and tesco burgers for the mane course.

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

68

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Yes, take those horses back to the stables and give them a kiss.  ajb007/lol

Last edited by Silhouette Man (17th Jan 2013 19:07)

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
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"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

69

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

I went into Tescos this morning and seeing that the meat in the dairy section was very much depleted, I asked a member of staff about why this was so. He replied "We have NEIGHHH! burgers". [Scotland/Northern Ireland "nay" meaning "no", for the uninitiated!]

Hence, it's a joke!

Last edited by Silhouette Man (19th Jan 2013 17:48)

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
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"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

70

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Went to get me tesco burgers out the freezer, but THEY'RE OFF!!

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

71

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

minigeff wrote:

Went to get me tesco burgers out the freezer, but THEY'RE OFF!!

Ha!  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
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"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

72

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Tesco meatballs really are the dog's bollocks.

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

73

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

An antiquated joke from Punch satirical magazine (or the London Charivari), November 29th 1922, p. 505:

QUESTIONS THAT REQUIRE NO ANSWER

[Sketch of a man being held up by a burglar with a revolver]

The Burglar: "What would yer say if I was ter blow yer 'ead orf?"

Last edited by Silhouette Man (23rd Jan 2013 19:14)

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
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"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

74

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Want anything on ya tesco burger?

Yeah, 5 quid each way

'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
www.cancerresearchuk.org

75

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

In Ireland there were snakes everywhere. There were snakes in the morning, snakes at night, snakes on the plain. St. Patrick came along and he said "I've got rid of all the snakes for you" and I said to him, "What snakes would that be, Patrick, ye dirt-walloping bastard ye"

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
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"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).