76

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

My name's Bond...Basildon Bond. I've got letters after my name!

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
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"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

77

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Len Deighton has revealed he will publish a new spy novel set in the seedy world of the criminal gangs that put condemned meat into the foodchain, it's going to be called Horse Under Burger.

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

78

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Those new Findus burgers - never again - they give you the trots!

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

79

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

SILHOUETTE MAN wrote:

Those new Findus burgers - never again - they give you the trots!

And now served with Champion the wonder sauce  ajb007/wink

YNWA: Justice For The 96

The Joy Of 6

80

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

I've just been on a once in a lifetime world tour - I tell you, never again!

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

81

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

SILHOUETTE MAN wrote:

I've just been on a once in a lifetime world tour - I tell you, never again!

Someone has got a Tim Vine dvd...  ajb007/wink

YNWA: Justice For The 96

The Joy Of 6

82

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Sir Miles wrote:
SILHOUETTE MAN wrote:

I've just been on a once in a lifetime world tour - I tell you, never again!

Someone has got a Tim Vine dvd...  ajb007/wink

Was that who it was...well, it just goes to show nobody's indestructible!

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

83

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Yes it was.

YNWA: Justice For The 96

The Joy Of 6

84

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Sir Miles wrote:

Yes it was.

I don't actually own the DVD in question - think I saw it on TV a while back as the "funniest joke ever".

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

85

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

It wasn't...but it was another Tim Vine gag.

YNWA: Justice For The 96

The Joy Of 6

86

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Yes, I'm orf the Stewart Lee school of comedy - three jokes per BBC2 late night six-part series!  ajb007/lol

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

87

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

And I'm from the Lee Mack school of comedy...cheeky Northern chap...but can't get the girl  ajb007/frown

YNWA: Justice For The 96

The Joy Of 6

88

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Sir Miles wrote:

And I'm from the Lee Mack school of comedy...cheeky Northern chap...but can't get the girl  ajb007/frown

Neither can I, not sure we're missing much. Roll over. This camp bed's too small... ajb007/lol

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

89

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

SILHOUETTE MAN wrote:
Sir Miles wrote:

And I'm from the Lee Mack school of comedy...cheeky Northern chap...but can't get the girl  ajb007/frown

Neither can I, not sure we're missing much. Roll over. This camp bed's too small... ajb007/lol

Then you've never met the girls I have   ajb007/cool

YNWA: Justice For The 96

The Joy Of 6

90

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Sir Miles wrote:
SILHOUETTE MAN wrote:
Sir Miles wrote:

And I'm from the Lee Mack school of comedy...cheeky Northern chap...but can't get the girl  ajb007/frown

Neither can I, not sure we're missing much. Roll over. This camp bed's too small... ajb007/lol

Then you've never met the girls I have   ajb007/cool

Oh, I've met 'em all - bitches mostly!

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

91

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

SILHOUETTE MAN wrote:
Sir Miles wrote:
SILHOUETTE MAN wrote:

Neither can I, not sure we're missing much. Roll over. This camp bed's too small... ajb007/lol

Then you've never met the girls I have   ajb007/cool

Oh, I've met 'em all - bitches mostly!

You'd better stick with your camp bed then  ajb007/lol

YNWA: Justice For The 96

The Joy Of 6

92

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Q. Why was there tumble-weed blowing and the sound of a church bell ringing in the distance?

A. Because someone told a crap joke!  ajb007/lol

D'ye see the irony there?  ajb007/biggrin

Last edited by Silhouette Man (14th Feb 2013 20:06)

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

93

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

I went to the doctor with a very short forehead. After physical examination, he said to me that I had a head choc full of wee sweetie mice. I said to him, "I wondered why I was eating so much cheese!"

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

94

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Some new jokes courtesy of Sunblest bread:

Q. What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A. An udder failure!

Two peanuts were walkng down the street. One was a salted!

Q. What do you call two lines of cabbages?
A. A dual cabbageway!

Last edited by Silhouette Man (16th Feb 2013 15:20)

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

95

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Q. Which is the tastiest precious metal?

A. Rose gold. It's got 24 carrots!

[I made that one up all by myself!]  ajb007/lol

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

96

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

It's funny. I was very thirsty, but it was only Wednesday. Odd.  ajb007/lol

Last edited by Silhouette Man (27th Mar 2013 14:00)

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

97

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

I remembered  this joke while reading the military  service  thread.

during WW2 an american soldier on leave was on a train. All the seats were taken, except for one but a rich  lady
had her little dog on it, and despite being asked refused to let the soldier sit dowm.
  He once again  looked up and down the train but no seats were available,  so he returned  to the rich lady and
again asked  if she would move her dog and  let him rest on the seat. Once again she refused.
So in anger he  picked up the little dog and threw it out the window and sat down. ....... an old man sitting
opposite  leand forward and said " son, I think you may have thrown the wrong bitch off the train "

"Let his death be a particularly unpleasant and humiliating one."

98

Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Today I celebrate our neighbours to the east (no, not the Russians)  ajb007/biggrin


https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRJetxbY_kwo_pSSkUf3dbWVF-xDMfjHAzYDm7PylU_-x5n94o6

https://blogimg.ngfiles.com/835000/835554/194016192_discount-swedis.png

Either you know you have lived in Sweden too long, or you know you’re a true Swede when you recognize yourself in most of the following:

When a stranger on the street smiles at you, you assume:

a: he is drunk

b: he is insane

c: he’s an American

d: he’s all of the above

Your coffee consumption exceeds 6 cups a day and coffee is too weak if there is less than 10 scoops per pot.

The first thing you do upon entering a bank/post office/chemist etc. is to look for the queue number machine.

You accept that you have to queue to take a queue number.

You associate pea soup with Thursday. (You have to be Swedish or at least live in Sweden to get that one)

“No comment” becomes a conversation strategy.

Your front step is beginning to resemble a shoe shop.

You are no longer scared of Volvos and Volvo drivers

You know that “religious holiday” means “let’s get pissed.”

When you’re hungry you can peel a boiled potato like lightning.

You have conversations with people outside when it is –10C.

It no longer seems excessive to spend 1,000kr on alcohol in a single night

It’s acceptable to eat lunch at 11.00. (Isn’t it?)

You find yourself debating the politics of the social democrats.

You have only two facial expressions, smiling or blank.

You wear warm clothing when it’s 25 degrees plus in April – because it’s April.

You wear shorts and t-shirt when it’s barely 10 degrees in July – because it’s July.

You get extremely annoyed when the bus is two minutes late.

Your wife watches TV while you look after the kids.

You’ve been engaged for four years and don’t have any plans to get married.

You assume that anyone who apologieses after bumping into you is a tourist.

You get into a Mercedes taxi cab and think nothing of it.

You understand that when a colleague asks you out for “a drink,” it will probably be a long night with a severe hangover the next day.

Seeing a young woman with lit candles stuck to her head no longer disturbs you.

You start to differentiate between types of snow.

When offered a bottle of beer the first thing you look at is the alcoholic percentage.

You think it is normal EVERYTHING is regulated and you obey the rules voluntarily.

You no longer snigger when your kids ask for a Plopp when you’re out shopping.

Hearing the words f*ck, wh*re, shag and Swedish curses on daytime TV seems perfectly normal.

You expect to find the glove you dropped in February hanging on a post in June.

Pigs say ”nerf nerf”, frogs say ”kvack, kvack” and roosters say ”kuckeliku”

You know that ”Extrapris” goods are cheaper, even though your English mind translates the word as ”extra price”

Your husband is very long instead of being very tall

You ringed somebody yesterday instead of you rang them.

You start looking at socialbidrag (welfare) less as an absolutely desperate last resort and more as a way of life.

You take two hour naps at work and the idea of losing your job never crosses your mind.

You take your shoes off when entering a house while visiting your family in Australia.

You think horse meat is a totally acceptable sandwich topping.

If a friend says that he/she would like to get together with you, you instinctively reach for your pocket calendar.

You ask for a Big Mac and company outside of Sweden.

You say “I’m almost annoyed” when you’re as furious as humanly possible.

A 25 % sales tax on just about everything is no big deal.

VD is the boss, not something you need to get medical treatment for.

You can use bra, fart, and slut in the same sentence without giggling.

You refer to weeks by their number.

You don’t understand why your friend from Mississipi took offence when you referred to him as a yankee.

You have learned how to schedule your bouts of illness so you don’t get sick on weekends. Because if you do get sick on a weekend you have a hard time getting to see a doctor and you’ve wasted a weekend. It’s much better to be sick on a Monday so you can call in sick. That way you can extend your weekend!

You stop thinking you’re being yelled at every time you hear “Hey!”

It is your birthday YOU have to make the cake

You either run for the last pendeltåg at 1 am or choose to party on until 5 am when they start again rather than endure the horrific night bus home, as a taxi ride would require taking out a 2nd mortgage.

You find yourself eating bay-con for breakfast and talking about Bill Clin-ton and taking a trip to Lon-don.

A dime is yummy not currency

You know that “fan” is a swearword, and not an admirer or an air conditioner.

All of your conversations resemble a chess game, with each participant quietly and patiently awaiting the other to finish their turn.

A seven-year-old with his own mobile phone seems perfectly sensible.

Your wallet contains more plastic than a Hollywood superstar.

You can tell the difference between the different radio stations.

You aimlessly chat using SMS.

When someone asks you “Hi, how are you?” you actually take time out to explain how you are.

You are no longer surprised when you see full-frontal male nudity in a commercial or on TV.

You can pick out the real blondes from the fake blondes.

You accept that the best answer for a question is always “Jag vet inte” meaning “I don’t know”.

You think it’s acceptable that builders start banging and hammering at 5.30am.

You are accustomed to every other front page headline in Expressen or Aftonbladet being about some food/drink/activity being dangerous for your health.

You’re used to seeing dog owners picking up the dogs’ heaps in little black plastic bags.

You know that twenty hundred is a year, not an hour.

You don’t even think about what you are saying when you are off to the shop to buy your favorite brand of cat food, and you say, “Be right back love, I’m just gonna go get some Pussi”

You think an hour and a half cycle on your washing machine is a “quick wash”.

You talk of –10C as ”10 degrees cold”, when in Australia +10C would be considered cold. And who else calls +1C, ”one degree warm”!


________________________________________________


Why do Swedes always drink their milk in the store?
Because on the packet it says "oppnas har". ("Open here")



Once there came a customer into the store and asked, "Kan jag få två smørgåssar?" (May I have two sandwitches?). The store-clerk then asked, "Are you Swedish?" whereupon the customer said, "Er det fordi jag sa 'smørgåssar de skjønnte at jag var svensk?" (is it because I said 'smørgåssar' i.e. the swedish word for sandwitch, you knew I was a Swede?). The clerk made a cunning smirk, "No, it is because you're in a hardware store."



Two Swedes were in Norway on a visit and they were wondering about all the beautiful buildings. One of the Swedes went over to a Norwegian and asked how they managed to build such beautiful buildings. The Norwegian brought the Swede to a wall and laid his hand on it. Then he asked the Swede to hit it. First the Swede didn't want to, but then finally he hit as hard as he was able to. The Norwegian quickly pulled his hand out of the way and the Swede got all his knuckles smashed. The Norwegian said, "It's a question of intelligence."
The Swede went back to his buddy who wondered if he'd gotten his question answered. - "Yes," the he answered and put his hand on his forehead, "Hit my hand!"..

Last edited by Number24 (28th Jun 2018 11:25)