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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

(Will send you an even less SFW one by PM)

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Brilliant  ajb007/lol

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

https://i.postimg.cc/xNJn0tkn/108638928-056288138.jpg

Picture from earlier today of a load of bull.

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol
Brilliant C&D
in a similar vein I saw this last week.

Mistakes that led to a relationship breakdown # 1
Asking my girlfriend to sit on my face in my best Sean Connery voice!

It was either that.....or the priesthood

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  I imagine that relationship had a messy ending.  ajb007/crap

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

It's not often sh1t comes before the bull.  ajb007/biggrin

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Barbel wrote:

https://i.postimg.cc/xNJn0tkn/108638928-056288138.jpg

Picture from earlier today of a load of bull.

I think that's a very good illustration of the Prime Minister versus Parliament at the minute! ajb007/lol

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

It's Parliament  v The People now SM   ajb007/wink

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

A Catholic priest suffers a heart attack. When he wakes up he's being pushed through a white corridor.
He asks: "Am I in heaven?"
"No" replies the nurse pushing the gurney. "We just took a short-cut through the children's ward"

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Thunderpussy wrote:

It's Parliament  v The People now SM   ajb007/wink

Yes, and bring it on at the next general election which will hopefully be sooner rather than later. We desperately need a clearout at Westminster to get things done, not least of which is Brexit!  ajb007/martini

Writer/Director @ The Bondologist Blog (TBB)
On Twitter: @Dragonpol 
'Like' TBB on FB: TBB Update Page
"The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Not many people know this, but President George W. Bush, VP Dick Cheney and Secretary of  War Danald Rumsfeld all secretly visited the front lines during the invasion in Iraq. Everything went terribly wrong and all three were captured by Iraqi forces.
A firing squad is convened and Rumsfeld, Cheney and  Bush are all marched to a wall to be shot. As the firing squad are loading their guns Rumsfeld thinks, "I've got to cause a diversion so I can get away." He yells "Oh, no. A TORNADO" and points behind the firing squad. As the Iraqis turn around to see if there is a tornado approaching, Rumsfeld jumps over the wall behind him and runs away. The firing squad turns their attention back to the two men who are left. Cheney quickly observes how well Rumsfeld's ruse has worked and yells "EARTHQUAKE". As the firing squad frantically looks for a place to take cover Cheney jumps over the wall and he too escapes. The firing squad resumes their stance and proceeds to take aim at George W. Bush. Dubya, believing that he, too, can create a diversion, frantically searches his mind for another natural disaster to use. Smiling to himself, he yells "FIRE".

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

What do you call a Scandinavian porn director?
- Pjorn.

I met a depressed Scandinavian the other day.
He wished he'd never been Björn.

Perhaps only Norwegians will laugh at this one?
What’s the difference between Norway and Sweden?
- Sweden has a nice neighbor.

Last edited by Number24 (8th Nov 2019 18:41)

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Is this  a joke or a political allegory? I don't know, but I've read a lot about Soviet history and this gives a fairly good insight into the mindset of the Soviet leaders:

In spite of the fact that Lenin died before Gorbatchev was born, all the major Soviet leaders were sitting on a train. Suddenly it stopped in the middle of nowhere, and the conductor informed them that there was no more railway track in front of the locomotive in spite of the railway being reported as finished five years ago. The conductor asked the great leaders what to do about the problem. since he was the father of the revolution Lenin spoke first:
- We should free the local farmers and order them to finish the railway
Stalin was next: - We should order the farmers to finish the railway in a day, then shoot them all for sabotage.
Khrushchev: - We should order the farmers to take the railway tracks behind the train and use it to finish the railway in front of us.
Brezhnev: - We should close the curtains, then  order the farmers to rock the our train carriage and make train noises.
Gorbatchev: - We should pay the farmers to finish the railway with the Money we no longer have.

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

https://i.imgflip.com/3r2ix8.jpg

http://www.starshipearththebigpicture.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/coronavirus-toilet-tissue-fort.jpg

https://immigrationandmigration.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/151ca2939d02331c58df5760fc9d2542-7.png

https://immigrationandmigration.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/dfd373fedcaf7d1eb85ac95cb6e47857-9.png

https://i2.wp.com/thefunnybeaver.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/coronavirus-gollum.jpg?resize=835%2C700&ssl=1

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Some German jokes from WWII you could get sendt to consentration camps for telling:


In the final days of Berlin they said that Goebbels was going to step down as regional commander of Berlin and be replaced by Rommel, who already knew about deserts.

Later in the war, a German was called up. He asks the doctor, "Doctor, you're a professional. Which arm of service should I opt for?"
"Which arm did you serve in in the last war?"
"Oh, I wasn't called up then. I was too old."

Count Bobby (an Austrian fool) is finally called up. He is certified physically fit for service and asked where he wants to serve. "In the Führer's headquarters," he says.
"Good God, are you insane!?" the doctor says.
"Is that required now?"

Hitler walks into a Berlin winestore and demands a bottle of champaigne. The wine merchant replies: ”Excuse me, due to rationing and supply shortages none is avaiable.” Hitler: “But I know you everyone sells it under the counter.” Wine merchant: “That’s a lie!” Hitler (angry): “DON’T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?” I AM THE LIBERATOR OF EUROPE!” Wine merchant (enthusiastic, to his wife): “Elfi, bring two bottles of champaigne! Mr. Churchill is here!”

Hitler walks the streets of Berlin, in disguise, to check the real attitude of the ordinary people. He approaches a bystander and asks for his opinion about his plitics. However, the bystander rejects to answer: “Well, it could be dangerous to express one’s true opinion these days.” Hitler:”Trust me, I won’t say a word.” “O.k., but don’t let my neighbors know: I think the Führer is doing a fine job.”

3 prisoners are talking with one of the guards of the POW camp in 1944. The first one, the American tells the others "If I go up the Empire State Buiding I can see all of New York! New York is really the greatest city in the world". The British says "If I go up Big Ben, I can see all London, isn't that fabulous?", the French then says "I f I go up the Eifel Tower, I can see all Paris! You don't have that in Berlin Fritz!". And Fritz says "In Berlin it's even better : I f I stand on one brick I can see all the city!!!"


In January 1945 Hitlers adjutant rushes into the Führers room and tells that he finally has some good news to tell: "Our armies are moving both to the East and to the West. Hitler delighted that his predictions are finally becoming true utters "Can this be true". The adjutant: "Definitely Mein Führer, our armies in the West are advancing to the East and our armies in the East are advancing to the West".

Two shortest books of the World: "Eating well in Great Britain" and "Modern Italy military success stories."

Original contempoary joke: Führer and his chauffeur on their route through the Berchtesgadener Land. Suddenly a pig runs in front of the car; is hit and dies. The chauffeur says to Hitler: " I have to go into the house and have to inform the owner" ; He doesn't come back for an hour and then suddenly appears heavily drunken with a basket full of presents in his hands. The Führer asks him; what happened. The chauffeur replies: "I really don't know. I just entered the room and said: "Heil Hitler, the swine is dead!"

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Number24 wrote:

Some German jokes from WWII you could get sendt to consentration camps for telling:


Original contempoary joke: Führer and his chauffeur on their route through the Berchtesgadener Land. Suddenly a pig runs in front of the car; is hit and dies. The chauffeur says to Hitler: " I have to go into the house and have to inform the owner" ; He doesn't come back for an hour and then suddenly appears heavily drunken with a basket full of presents in his hands. The Führer asks him; what happened. The chauffeur replies: "I really don't know. I just entered the room and said: "Heil Hitler, the swine is dead!"



This made me laugh so much!

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Re: "Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Who was best electrian in Third Reich?
Hitler. In few years he isolated all of Germany.


A joke from 1945:
- How do you get from the East Front to the West Front?
- By tram!


At a dinner with Churchill, German Foreign minister Ribbentrop said : "In the future war with Britain, Germany will have the Italians on our side". Churchill: “That’s only fair – we had them last time.”

Last edited by Number24 (18th May 2020 16:51)