Shakespeare's Bond: Work area (All welcome!) (Page 88 of 97)

Sir James: Hast thou known Sir Malik long?
Paloma: Nay, not long. I met him one night at the opera.
Sir James: Followed by a day at ye races?
Paloma: Nay, we didst go to Norway or some such place. ‘Twas hard to tell.
Sir James: Hmm, Norway, eh?

(In a room off ye tavern, Sir Malik talks to three men.)
Sir Malik: Tell me, I prithee, what hast thou found out about our new friend?
Brian: (Tall, with much curly hair.) He ist Sir James Bond, an agent of discretion sent from Albion.
Roger: (Shorter, blond hair.) ‘Tis said that he ist licenced to kill, and bears ye number Naught Naught Seven.
Sir Malik: So! Methinks he should be dispatched with much haste- action this day!
Brian: Aye, we shalt give him the works.
Roger: We will not let him go.
Sir Malik: Wait until he ist outside- no scandal, we do not want this to be ye news of the world.

(At ye bar.)
Sir James: So, where art thou off to next?
Paloma: Sir Malik hath not told me. In truth, I do tire of not being in his confidence.
Sir James : Paloma ...
Paloma : Faith, tells me he may never let me probe his inner circle.
Sir James: Mayhap thou would prefer to come with me?... and probe away ?
Paloma: Aye, mayhap.Ye look like a gentleman.
Sir James: Lo, Sir Malik doth approach- come with me, apace.

(Sir James leads Paloma quickly to ye door, joined by Lord Felix and Lady Lashana. Sir Malik sends a signal to Roger, Brian and John who follow them outside, and throw large nuts at them.. )

Lord Felix, They're Nuts Sir James !
Sir James: Aye, they should "Pecan" someone their own size
( Lord Felix looks sternly at Sir James )
Lord Felix: Apace, this way!
Sir James: Come, Paloma!

(They run down an alley, but trip over a pile of unused play scripts. Some are labelled “Purvis/Wade”, some “Hodge”, and so forth. They are set on by Sir Malik’s bandmates… er, henchmen ..... )

Lady Lashana : Here Sir James, crouch down behind this pile of naughty Nanny parchments.
Sir James : Nay, We must keep moving......
( The backing band of knaves push at the parchments causing them to Topol over crushing the
Lady Lashana !)
Knaves : Too much love will kill you !
Sir James: Lashana…
Lord Felix: No time to grieve, Sir James, this way!

(Lord Felix helps a limping Sir James to his feet, with Paloma on his arm, and they make their escape.)

Paloma: How ist thine ankle. Sir James?
Sir James: Most painful- I fear I may be out of commission for about two weeks.
Paloma : Fortnight ?
Sir James : No time for games Paloma.

Last edited by Thunderpussy (23rd May 2019 22:16)

One of the best (and uncharacteristically subtle) jokes in "The Rutles" is that the character Stig, representing George Harrison, never says anything. I've tried to use that above in that John never says anything while Brian & Roger do the talking but it's underplayed. Don't know how to make it more plain. Perhaps the chase scene could continue, with much shouting back and forth? On horseback perhaps since Danie... I mean, Sir James, has hurt his ankle.

Yes, that works. Will have a bash at that later unless you beat me to it!

Could John from the Band pull the chasing rickshaw
Or carriage  without a horse to pull it ?
With a line about he may not say much but he's as strong as a horse ?

Last edited by Thunderpussy (24th May 2019 13:13)

Paloma: How ist thine ankle. Sir James?
Sir James: Most painful- I fear I may be out of commission for about two weeks.
Paloma: Fortnight?
Sir James: No time for games, Paloma!
Lord Felix: That is true, they are gaining on us- we must find a chariot or horses and fast!
Paloma: Lo, over there!
(Paloma points at a rickshaw leaning against a wall ahead.)
Sir James: A rickshaw? But ‘tis not possible, mine ankle…
Paloma : Two chinese drivers are sitting upon it, I shall go over and pull them off !
Sir james : Nay,Paloma,..... , a bribe of coins should sufice, surely
Lord Felix: And I have suddenly remembered that I have a hook for one hand, and only one leg.
Paloma: No matter- get in, and apace!
( Paloma runs across and pulls the two drivers to the ground, as she also scares some horses
away by showing a sign "charcutier, opening soon", they stampede, towards their pursuers, as
Sir James and Lord Felix leap into ye rickshaw.)
Paloma : I must now grab the shafts.
Sir James : No time now Paloma, ........ later perhaps ?
( Paloma, begins to run, so fast that smoke pours from the Richshaw wheels
Just as Roger, Brian and John draw near.)
Roger: They are getting away!
Brian: Quick, after them!
John : ........................................
( They enter a barn , quickly smashing through the doors as they exit, whith John in Harness
pulling the small carriage )
Brian : Lets see how they like this  ( He throws a small axe at Sir James, it buries itself beside
Lord Felix )
Lord Felix : Um ? He's talented with his axe !
( They move with haste through the cobbled streets .... From a tower above the venue, Sir Malik
watches. Removing his garments to display a white catsuit )
Sir Malik : Time to play with my organ .
( he begins to play a traditional Rhapsody to Bohemia ... as the chase continues. )
Sir James: ‘Tis amazing how strong thou art, Paloma.
Paloma: Oh, ‘tis nothing- much practice have I had pulling all sorts of things for Sir Malik.
Sir James : I hath my trowing knives strapped on my wrists, how be'ith you armed ?
Lord Felix : The latest from the Colonies Interesting Alchemist, a folding Bow and
extendable arrows
Sir James : Aye The C.I.A hath many interesting toys. Paloma, a bit faster Darling
they're really getting rather close
( they fight along the streets )
Paloma : hold on, I'm turning right down Giu Strada, where the two crying soothsayers live
Sir James : Do they give readings ?
Paloma : Angela won't but Theresa May
Lord Felix : I'm bereft of Arrows, we need an escape !
Sir James : Quick Paloma head for the coast road. I have an idea
( Sir James, thrown his daggers at the pursuers, cutting down a banner saying ....
.... " Pisa welcomes careful drivers " ... which temporally hides their view ......
Sir James : Paloma could you take on both lord felix and myself ?
Paloma : Maybe, if we had diner and a few dinks, some dancing  I ......
Sir James : On your Back Paloma......
Paloma : .a bit old fashioned but ....
Sir James :  Can you carry us on your back Paloma
Paloma : Oh, .... Yes, I'm stronger than I look,
( Quickly they jump on to Paloma who veres off, letting the ricksham plummet over the cliff edge.
it falls hitting a monk's mead still, which explodes in flames ..... as Sir James,Lord Felix and
Paloma hide in some near by bushes )
Brian : Halt John !
John : ...............
( Brian puts a piece of sugar in John's mouth .... )
Roger : they went right over
John : .................
( from the bushes Sir James, Lord Felix and Paloma watch .... )
Sir James : with luck they'll think we'll be spending so much time filling in insurance parchements
we shall not be able to pursue Sir Malik !
Lord Felix : Perhaps Sir James. they will think us Dead ?
Paloma : Be quiet, they be passing us ...
( Brian, John and Roger head away, followed only by a Crying Monk ....... )

Plus of course:

Sir James: Paloma, watch out for that man with green trainers busy flogging a dead horse..... again!
Paloma: What?
Sir James: I said, watch out for- (There is a thump, followed by a squashing sound and then some crunching.) Never mind.
Lord Felix: Sure I am that he shalt return.
Sir James: No argument there.
Lord Felix: That will be a first.
Sir James: Aye, he will return. With one of his many dead horses to flog, as well.
Lord Felix: Here, Sir James, have some coconut.
Sir James: Hmm... That looks more like ma- ma- make haste, Paloma, they are gaining on us!

Will need to be fitted in later.

Act 3, Scene 5.   A boarding house. Sir James, Lord Felix and Paloma have taken rooms. They enter
Lord Felix, moving to a window, as Paloma arrives with Sir James still on her Back ...

Sir James: Just over by the chair darling, That trip was quite fatiguing and be careful of
my ankle.
Paloma :Aye, Sir James
Sir James: Most fortunate we were to escape.
Lord Felix: Aye, ‘tis true.
Paloma: Most hungry am I- may we partake of this excellent meal that has been sent up?
Lord Felix : Aye, the latest masterpiece from Sir Jamie Oliver, he d'oth call it a Pizza !
Paloma : I shall cut it in four ?
Lord Felix : Nay, I hath much humger, better to cut it in 8 !
Paloma : I hath hear his pizza shop is in money dificulties.
Sir James : Fake news Paloma, he doth just have trouble with his Dough.
Paloma : ( Rolling her eyes ) How's the ankle Sir James
Sir James: Fine,  I don't like to complain, Now, we must plan our next step.
Lord Felix: With that ankle of yours, it must be a very careful next step.
Sir James: Paloma, we must rely on you for knowing what Sir Malik is up to.
Paloma: I shalt help thee all I can.
Sir James: Good, with thee I should like to do-
Maid Moneypenny: (From off.)) 69!
Sir James: Well, perhaps later…
(Maid Moneypenny opens ye door to admit Sir Gareth, William of Tanner, ye Young Wizard, Freddie, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy, a very large dog who proceeds to eat all of the food, and a small dog tagging along.)
Sir Gareth: 69, most grieved I was to hear of the death of Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Aye, though ‘twas in ye line of duty.
Sir Gareth : No bad puns, No wine snobbery, no safari suits ..... she had it all.
William of Tanner: ‘Twould seem, mine liege, that thou hast no alternative but to give 69 his old number once again.
Sir Gareth: Aye, 'tis true.
Sir James: You mean…?
Sir Gareth: Welcome back, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James : Thank you sire !,  (pause )....  I still get the dental and pension entitlements ?
Sir Gareth : We can discuss that later ... sill Welcome Back.
Sir James : With mine injured ankle, perhaps a blue badge, so I can park my carriage closer...
Sir Gareth : As I said Naught,Naught,Seven Later !
(Sir James glows with pride as he stands erect, stretching to his full 5'9" before falling down yelling and cursing, grabbing at his sore ankle.)
Sir James : (Aside) Oh, to get back in to my special shoes, to be 6' once more !

  I wouldn't go that far Barbel, it's just a few bad jokes 

  I have no idea, any guesses at what Sir Malik is up to ?
something Queen related, " Highlander" or " Flash Gordon "

  I'll let you steer, and I'll push 

N24, we've used Jamaica, Norway and Italy. Where does B25 go next?