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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

Nice to see that, to see that nice.

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Sir James chases a varlet through ye streets. They battle with swords, then the varlet runs off. Sir James pulls out his crossbow and shoots several times, narrowly missing. The varlet trips and falls, his sword lying just outside his arms reach. Sir James walks slowly up to him.

Sir James: I know what thou art thinking: "Did he fire six arrows or only five?" Well to tell thee the truth, in all this excitement, I hast kind of lost track myself. But being this is a 44 crossbow, the most powerful crossbow in the world, and would blow your head clean off, thou hast got to ask thineself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do thee, varlet?
(The varlet gives up trying to retrieve his sword. Sir James picks it up and starts to walk away, as Lord Felix and his men arrive.)
Varlet: Hey! (Sir James turns around.) I gots to know...
(Sir James recocks and aims his crossbow and pulls ye trigger, but it just clicks and he grins, laughs, and walks away.)
Varlet: Son of a bitch...

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol   Dirty Jimmy.

“I remember the last thing my Nan said to me before she died.
‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’”..... Lee Mack.

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The main point of this play is historical accuracy, so I have to remind you that crossbows fires bolts and that kind of post is called hillarious  ajb007/biggrin

Last edited by Number24 (14th Oct 2019 22:17)

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ajb007/cheers Glad you liked it guys.
I like the idea of putting Sir James into iconic scenes or plots (like in the last one we had "The Wizard Of Oz" and "Silence Of The Lambs").

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Something like this:

A seaport. Lord Felix disembarks, and Sir James picks him up in his carriage.

Sir James: So, tell me about the tobacco bars I prithee?
Lord Felix: What do thee want to know?
Sir James: Well, tobacco ist legal there, right?
Lord Felix: Aye, ‘tis legal, but not a hundred percent legal. I mean thou can not walk into a restaurant, roll up, and start puffing away. Thou art only supposed to smoke in thine home or certain designated places.
Sir James: Those are tobacco bars?
Lord Felix: Aye, it breaks down like this: ‘tis legal to buy it, ‘tis legal to own it and, if thou art ye proprietor of a hash bar, ‘tis legal to sell it. ‘Tis legal to carry it, which does not really matter because – get a load of this – if ye constables stop thee, ‘tis illegal for them to search thee. Searching thee is a right that the constables in Amsterdam do not have.
Sir James: That does it, Lord Felix – I am going, that ist all there is to it.
Lord Felix: Thou shalt dig it ye most. But thou knowest what the funniest thing about Europe is?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis ye little differences. A lot of ye same stuff we got here, they got there, but there they art a little different.
Sir James: Examples?
Lord Felix: Well, in Amsterdam, thou can buy beer in a theatre. And I do not mean in a paper cup either. They give thee a glass of beer, like in a bar. In Paris, thou can buy beer at ye House of MacDonald's. Also, thou knowest what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?
Sir James: They do not call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?
Lord Felix: No, they do have the metric system there, they would not know what a Quarter Pounder is.
Sir James: What do they call it?
Lord Felix: Royale with Cheese.
Sir James: (Repeating.) Royale with Cheese. What do they call a Big Mac?
Lord Felix: A Big Mac ist a Big Mac, but they call it Le Big Mac.
Sir James: Le Big Mac. What do they call a Whopper?
Lord Felix: I knowest not, I did not go to ye King of Burgers. But thou knowest what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: Mayonnaise.
Sir James: Nay!
Lord Felix: I hast seen them do it. And I mean not a little bit on the side of ye plate, they drown them in it.
Sir James: Yuccch!

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  Prithee, ‘tis Sir Jules not Sir James!

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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ajb007/biggrin  But of course!

https://i.postimg.cc/YjNJ1P3T/boris.png

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the New scene is good, but I think the lines about hamburgers should be changed. Change the hamburger to something more ye olde (and preferably funny) and the same thing should be done with the names of the different hamburgers. What do you think?
I'll try to come up with some ideas.

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Fair enough, as long as the names are funny.

Apropos of nothing-


https://i.postimg.cc/0z69YJfz/image-2-1.jpg

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In the middle ages people ate roasted cats and hedgehogs. I think this has potential.

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I can't think of a way to include those without ruining the jokes.  ajb007/rolleyes

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I don't see how those meals will ruin any jokes, but they open up for new ones. I think using something other than hamburgers to make it about more than rewriting the movie scene with old fashiond English.

"A quarter pounder with cheese is called Hedgehog Surprise/Royal Surprise in Amsterdam"
Perhaps we should have a joke about Amsterdam and New Amsterdam since that was the name of NY around that time.

Last edited by Number24 (16th Oct 2019 11:10)

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Whopper = Popper?


……. Searching thee is a right that the constables in Amsterdam do not have.
Sir James: But I thought Amsterdam and their constables are known for having nill tollerance?
Lord Felix: Thou art thinking of New Amsterdam in the Colonies. They are indeed know for being intollerant. I am speaking of Amsterdam in the Nether Regions. They are very tolerant indeed. Amsterdam has legalized not only smoking, but felonies such as murder, theft, breaking in, breaking out and coming out. Because of their tolerant constables there is little wrongdoing in the Nether Regions.

Sir James: That does it, Lord Felix – I am going, that ist all there is to it.

Last edited by Number24 (16th Oct 2019 14:44)

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This is my version. It's up to you if you want  to use any of it:


A seaport. Lord Felix disembarks, and Sir James picks him up in his carriage.

Sir James: So, tell me about the tobacco bars I prithee?
Lord Felix: What do thee want to know?
Sir James: Well, tobacco ist legal there, right?
Lord Felix: Aye, ‘tis legal, but not a hundred percent legal. I mean thou can not walk into a restaurant, roll up, and start puffing away. Thou art only supposed to smoke in thine home or certain designated places.
Sir James: Those are tobacco bars?
Lord Felix: Aye, it breaks down like this: ‘tis legal to buy it, ‘tis legal to own it and, if thou art ye proprietor of a hash bar, ‘tis legal to sell it. ‘Tis legal to carry it, which does not really matter because – get a load of this – if ye constables stop thee, ‘tis illegal for them to search thee. Searching thee is a right that the constables in Amsterdam do not have.
Sir James: But I thought Amsterdam and their constables are known for having nill tollerance?
Lord Felix: Thou art thinking of New Amsterdam in the Colonies. They are indeed know for being intollerant. I am speaking of Amsterdam in the Nether Regions. They are very tolerant indeed. Amsterdam has legalized not only smoking, but felonies such as murder, theft, breaking in, breaking out and coming out. Because of their tolerant constables there is little wrongdoing in the Nether Regions.
Sir James: That does it, Lord Felix – I am going, that ist all there is to it.
Lord Felix: Thou shalt dig it ye most. But thou knowest what the funniest thing about Europe is?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis ye little differences. A lot of ye same stuff we got here, they got there, but there they art a little different.
Sir James: Examples?
Lord Felix: Well, in Amsterdam, thou can buy beer in a theatre. And I do not mean in a paper cup either. They give thee a glass of beer, like in a bar. In Paris, thou can buy beer at ye House of MacDonald's. Also, thou knowest what they call a Quarter Pounder of Roasted Hedgehog with Cheese in Paris?
Sir James: They do not call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?
Lord Felix: No, they do have the metric system there, they would not know what a Quarter Pounder is.
Sir James: What do they call it?
Lord Felix: Royale Surprise with Cheese.
Sir James: (Repeating.) Royale Surprise with Cheese. What do they call a Big Hog?
Lord Felix: A Big Hog ist simply a big hedgehog there too, but they call it Le Big Hog.
Sir James: Le Big Hog. What do they call a Popper?
Lord Felix: I knowest not, I did not go to ye King of Heartattacks. But thou knowest what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: Mayonnaise.
Sir James: Nay!
Lord Felix: I hast seen them do it. And I mean not a little bit on the side of ye plate, they drown them in it.

Last edited by Number24 (16th Oct 2019 17:59)

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Couldn’t resist trying this out!

Sir James and Sir Felix enter a tavern in London.
Sir James: This place can be a little rough.
Sir Felix: I'm ready for anything.
Strange music is played by three unfortunate-looking minstrels.
Innkeeper, pointing at Sir Felix: Forsooth! We don't serve thy kind here.
Sir James: What kind?
Innkeeper: Colonials. They keep trying to order cold beer, whatever that may be.
Sir Felix: Why don't we exit stage left to another tavern? I do not wish for any trouble.
As Sir James and Sir Felix move to depart, Sir Felix accidentally knocks the arm of a varlet, spilling his pint of mead. The varlet blocks their path.
Varlet: My brethren the Innkeeper here doesn't like you. I don't like you, either. Thou should’st watch thyselves. We're wanted men. I hast the death sentence in 12 counties!
At that, the varlet removes a dagger from his hose and lunges at Sir Felix. Sir James, however, is too quick. Drawing his sword, he deftly separates the varlet from his arm, before bundling Sir Felix from the tavern.
Sir Felix: He seems ‘armless to me.
Outside, a tall, hirsute knight approaches and spits a wad of tobacco to the ground.
Sir James: Chew-baccy here is first mate on a ship that might suit us.
Another knight approaches and doffs his cap to Sir James and Sir Felix.
Knight: Romeo Soleo. I'm captain
of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells me thou art looking for passage to the colonies.
Sir Felix: Aye, indeed, if she be a fast ship.
Romeo: Fast ship? Thou hast ne’er heard
of the Millennium Falcon? Tis’ the ship that ran the English Channel in less than 12 weeks! A faster ship thou shalt ne’er find. Though it leaks and may leave thou wet.
Sir Felix: Well Sir James, ‘tis no time to stay dry.
Sir James: I was afraid you’d say that.

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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N24, I'll be honest- that works much better than I thought it would.  ajb007/cheers

C&D,  ajb007/biggrin   ajb007/biggrin   ajb007/biggrin   exactly the kind of thing I was thinking of!  ajb007/cheers

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Barbel wrote:

N24, I'll be honest- that works much better than I thought it would.  ajb007/cheers


Thank you ….. I think  ajb007/biggrin

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I mean it as a compliment.  ajb007/smile

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I know. I meant it as a joke.  ajb007/smile

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In the scene on the frozen lake with the girl we should reference Phantom of the Opera because of the masked man.

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I'll have a look later, too busy right now.

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Okay, I've slipped that in now- https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/952608/#p952608

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"Okay, I've slipped that in now "

A line worthy  of Sir James.  ajb007/biggrin

“I remember the last thing my Nan said to me before she died.
‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’”..... Lee Mack.

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Well, here is what we as a team have written recently. It's a bunch of good scenes (mainly stolen) in search of a plot! We do have a title song courtesy of N24, and as usual the M and Q scenes will be easy (I'd be happy to do those if no-one else wants to have a bash) but we need a plot to send Sir James off on his mission... any ideas?


A seaport. Lord Felix disembarks, and Sir James picks him up in his carriage.

Sir James: So, tell me about the tobacco bars I prithee?
Lord Felix: What do thee want to know?
Sir James: Well, tobacco ist legal there, right?
Lord Felix: Aye, ‘tis legal, but not a hundred percent legal. I mean thou can not walk into a restaurant, roll up, and start puffing away. Thou art only supposed to smoke in thine home or certain designated places.
Sir James: Those are tobacco bars?
Lord Felix: Aye, it breaks down like this: ‘tis legal to buy it, ‘tis legal to own it and, if thou art ye proprietor of a hash bar, ‘tis legal to sell it. ‘Tis legal to carry it, which does not really matter because – get a load of this – if ye constables stop thee, ‘tis illegal for them to search thee. Searching thee is a right that the constables in Amsterdam do not have.
Sir James: But I thought Amsterdam and their constables are known for having nil tolerance?
Lord Felix: Thou art thinking of New Amsterdam in the Colonies. They are indeed known for being intolerant. I am speaking of Amsterdam in the Nether Regions. They are very tolerant indeed. Amsterdam has legalized not only smoking, but felonies such as murder, theft, breaking in, breaking out and coming out. Because of their tolerant constables there is little wrongdoing in the Nether Regions.
Sir James: That does it, Lord Felix – I am going, that ist all there is to it.
Lord Felix: Thou shalt dig it ye most. But thou knowest what the funniest thing about Europe is?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis ye little differences. A lot of ye same stuff we got here, they got there, but there they art a little different.
Sir James: Examples?
Lord Felix: Well, in Amsterdam, thou can buy beer in a theatre. And I do not mean in a paper cup either. They give thee a glass of beer, like in a bar. In Paris, thou can buy beer at ye House of MacDonald's. Also, thou knowest what they call a Quarter Pounder of Roasted Hedgehog with Cheese in Paris?
Sir James: They do not call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?
Lord Felix: No, they do have the metric system there, they would not know what a Quarter Pounder is.
Sir James: What do they call it?
Lord Felix: Royale Surprise with Cheese.
Sir James: (Repeating.) Royale Surprise with Cheese. What do they call a Big Hog?
Lord Felix: A Big Hog ist simply a big hedgehog there too, but they call it Le Big Hog.
Sir James: Le Big Hog. What do they call a Popper?
Lord Felix: I know’est not, I did not go to ye King of Heartattacks. But thou knowest what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup?
Sir James: What?
Lord Felix: Mayonnaise.
Sir James: Nay!
Lord Felix: I hast seen them do it. And I mean not a little bit on the side of ye plate, they drown them in it.
Sir James: Yucch!!


Sir James and Lord Felix enter a tavern in London.

Sir James: This place can be a little rough.
Lord Felix: I'm ready for anything.
Strange music is played by three unfortunate-looking minstrels.
Innkeeper: (Pointing at Lord Felix.) Forsooth! We don't serve thy kind here.
Sir James: What kind?
Innkeeper: Colonials. They keep trying to order cold beer, whatever that may be.
Lord Felix: Why don't we exit stage left to another tavern? I do not wish for any trouble.
(As Sir James and Lord Felix move to depart, Lord Felix accidentally knocks the arm of a varlet, spilling his pint of mead. The varlet blocks their path.)
Varlet: My brethren the Innkeeper here doesn't like you. I don't like you, either. Thou should’st watch thineselves. We're wanted men. I hast the death sentence in 12 counties!
(At that, the varlet removes a dagger from his hose and lunges at Lord Felix. Sir James, however, is too quick. Drawing his sword, he deftly separates the varlet from his arm, before bundling Lord Felix from the tavern.)
Lord Felix: He seems ‘armless to me.
(Outside, a tall, hirsute knight approaches and spits a wad of tobacco to the ground.)
Sir James: Chew-baccy here is first mate on a ship that might suit us.
(Another knight approaches and doffs his cap to Sir James and Lord Felix.)
Knight: Romeo Soleo. I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells me thou art looking for passage to the colonies.
Lord Felix: Aye, indeed, if she be a fast ship.
Romeo: Fast ship? Thou hast ne’er heard of ye Millennium Falcon? Tis’ the ship that ran the English Channel in less than 12 weeks! A faster ship thou shalt ne’er find. Though it leaks and may leave thou wet.
Lord Felix: Well Sir James, ‘tis no time to stay dry.
Sir James: I was afraid you’d say that.



Sir James chases a varlet through ye streets. They battle with swords, then the varlet runs off. Sir James pulls out his crossbow and shoots several times, narrowly missing. The varlet trips and falls, his sword lying just outside his arms reach. Sir James walks slowly up to him.

Sir James: I know what thou art thinking: "Did he fire six arrows or only five?" Well to tell thee the truth, in all this excitement, I hast kind of lost track myself. But being this is a 44 crossbow, the most powerful crossbow in the world, and would blow your head clean off, thou hast got to ask thineself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do thee, varlet?
(The varlet gives up trying to retrieve his sword. Sir James picks it up and starts to walk away, as Lord Felix and his men arrive.)
Varlet: Hey! (Sir James turns around.) I gots to know...
(Sir James recocks and aims his crossbow and pulls ye trigger, but it just clicks and he grins, laughs, and walks away.)
Varlet: Son of a bitch…



Villain: Take Sir James to the archery range, present him to ye man of arms Sir Brucie Forsyth
(Sir James is placed in front of a target.)
Sir Brucie: Would'st thee wish for a blindfold, Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, Thee only lives twice. Once when'st born and again when'st staring death in the face.
Sir Brucie: Twice eh? (Turns to ye archery yeomen.) Nothing in this game for a pair!
(He walks back to his yeomen archers... )
Yeomen: Doth that be a new uniform, Sir Brucie?
Sir Brucie: Aye, shall I give thee a twirl?
Yeomen: Fantastic as always, we'd score that a 10. Shall we post that with the others on
your bedchamber entrance?
Sir Brucie: Aye, Let’s have a look at the scores on the doors.... later.  Now men, Good aim, Good aim!
Sir James: Please do me the courtesy of aiming for my heart, for My love of Albion.
Sir Brucie: Very well,  Higher,... Higher....... Lower, Good aim, Good aim!