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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Well, why don't we base the plot on the synopsis we got from EON?

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Like we did with Never Say Mango Again, and Goldenballs?

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I mean, since we have no other basic structure we take what we get. It's not completely unusable, is it? What would be a Dangerous new tecnology in ye olde times …...

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Ok, but we did the "Felix calls James out of happy retirement with Madeleine", as well as the "James replaced by new 007" bit so let's just have him given a mission by M. (Like in the good times)

Era-appropriate tech- hmm, I've no ideas there.

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Hmm  …...The printing press (led to protestantism, social unrest and war)
Heliosentrism (the elites knew and the church accepted the Earth is round, the controversial theory was that the Earth orbirts around the sun and not the other way round)
Wheel-Lock musket
Flush toilets

I can't think of any funny ways to use those technologies right now, but they have potential. but here's an idea: The Bloody Mary
The drink was invented much later, but let's imagine someone was thinking of it in Shakespear's time. Because the name references Mary Queen of Scots  the authorities fear the drink will lead to Scotish nationalism and Papism (as well as other ill side effects that comes with strong alcohol, so sir Bond has to find the recipe and destroy it. Bond is torn between his duty and his instinct and values.

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Nice ideas- of that bunch, I think the Bloody Mary and the flushing toilet lend themselves best to jokes.

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I agree

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If only we could get some input from someone witty... someone incredibly handsome... someone known for his modesty and charm....

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Yes, where is Higgins when you need him?  ajb007/biggrin

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

In his absence, I've come up with the following. It's based on Number24's ideas above, and leads into the scene where James meets Felix.



(Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory. Maid Moneypenny attends to her clerking. Enter Sir James Bond.)

Maid Moneypenny: There thou art, Sir James! Where have thou been?
Sir James: I was, er, looking up an old friend.
Maid Moneypenny; But of course, and more than looking I should wager.
Sir James: Why, Moneypenny, thou should know me by now!
Maid Moneypenny: Aye, ‘tis true. Thou should attend Sir Gareth forthwith, he hast sent for thee.

Sir Gareth: Ah, Naught Naught Seven… at last.
Sir James: Greetings, mine liege.
Sir Gareth: What dost thee know of Mary, Queen Of Scots, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Why, ye cousin of the beloved Queen Elizabeth. She was married to Lord Darnley, a most handsome man though some say he had weepy eyes.
https://i.postimg.cc/xXjzYSKt/2018-08-08-Hit-And-Miss-Leonard-Walker-COVER-rr.jpg
Ye music at her wedding was terrific- from Lord John Barry, no less. Alas, she ist no more. Why do thee ask, sire?
Sir Gareth: Taste ye this drink.
(Sir Gareth passes a glass to Sir James, who sips at first tentatively and then with more gusto.)
Sir James: Ah, vodka from ye land of ye Tsars! It also contains some other flavour with which I be not familiar.
Sir Gareth: That would be tomato juice- not surprising that thou should not recognise it, since it is non-alcoholic.
Sir James: Ah.
Sir Gareth: This drink ist becoming most popular all through ye civilised territories, and also Manchester. It ist called a “Bloody Mary”.
Sir James: I begin to see ye connection.
Sir Gareth: Ye authorities fear the drink will lead to Scottish nationalism and Papism, as well as other ill side effects that comes with strong alcohol.  I charge ye to find the recipe and destroy it.
Sir James: But, sire, thou knowest I am of Scottish blood- see, this tattoo on mine arm!
https://i.postimg.cc/xc5X6FWH/007.jpg
Sir Gareth: Queen and country, Naught Naught Seven. Now, thine associate Felix, Lord of Leiter, hast set sail from ye colonies and ist due to arrive soon. ‘Twould be good if thou shouldst meet with him and work on this assignment together.

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ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol  ajb007/lol

You beat me to it. But perhaps this could be worked in somewhere between Maid Moneypenny's lines and Sir James's exchange with Sir Gareth?

Sir Gareth: Prithee, come in Sir James, do not tarry. I hast some bad news.
Sir James: Pray tell, what ist? Hath the Comte de Bleauchamp escaped?
Sir Gareth: Nay.
Sir James: The Maid Moneypenny? Ist she up the Macduff?
Sir Gareth: Nay.
Sir James: Ist Parliament? Mayhap ye green-loafered Bavarian who frequents these threads ist once again offering his opinion on ye current situation there?
Sir Gareth: Nay, Sir James, ''tis none of these - ''tis much worse.
Sir James: Pray tell then, what could be worse than these?
Sir Gareth: A mission I hath for thee.
Sir James: A mission? How splendid! What couldst be so bad about that?
Sir Gareth: Neither thine own true love, nor thy dead parents, nor thy erstwhile half-brother, nor anyone else thou loves nor once loved ist involved. This time, ''tis not personal.
Sir James: Ye Gods. I hast not come across such a situation since mine hair became blond. The prospect of such a mission ist alien to me. Please tell me more.

"How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."

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Love it, especially the dig about personal missions! Let's fit it in...

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(Ye throne room of Sir Gareth Mallory. Maid Moneypenny attends to her clerking. Enter Sir James Bond.)

Maid Moneypenny: There thou art, Sir James! Where have thou been?
Sir James: I was, er, looking up an old friend.
Maid Moneypenny; But of course, and more than looking I should wager.
Sir James: Why, Moneypenny, thou should know me by now!
Maid Moneypenny: Aye, ‘tis true. Thou should attend Sir Gareth forthwith, he hast sent for thee.

Sir Gareth: Prithee, come in Sir James, do not tarry. I hast some bad news.
Sir James: Pray tell, what ist? Hath the Comte de Blofeld escaped?
Sir Gareth: Nay.
Sir James: The Maid Moneypenny? Ist she up the Macduff?
Sir Gareth: Nay.
Sir James: Ist Parliament? Mayhap ye green-loafered Bavarian who frequents these threads ist once again offering his opinion on ye current situation there?
Sir Gareth: Nay, Sir James, ''tis none of these - 'tis much worse.
Sir James: Pray tell then, what could be worse than these?
Sir Gareth: A mission I hath for thee.
Sir James: A mission? How splendid! What couldst be so bad about that?
Sir Gareth: Neither thine own true love, nor thy dead parents, nor thy erstwhile half-brother, nor anyone else thou loves nor once loved ist involved. This time, 'tis not personal.
Sir James: Ye Gods. I hast not come across such a situation since mine hair became blond. The prospect of such a mission ist alien to me. Please tell me more.
Sir Gareth: What dost thee know of Mary, Queen Of Scots, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Why, ye cousin of the beloved Queen Elizabeth. She was married to Lord Darnley, a most handsome man though some say he had weepy eyes.
https://i.postimg.cc/xXjzYSKt/2018-08-08-Hit-And-Miss-Leonard-Walker-COVER-rr.jpg
Ye music at her wedding was terrific- from Lord John Barry, no less. Alas, she ist no more. Why do thee ask, sire?
Sir Gareth: Taste ye this drink.
(Sir Gareth passes a glass to Sir James, who sips at first tentatively and then with more gusto.)
Sir James: Ah, vodka from ye land of ye Tsars! It also contains some other flavour with which I be not familiar.
Sir Gareth: That would be tomato juice- not surprising that thou should not recognise it, since it is non-alcoholic.
Sir James: Ah.
Sir Gareth: This drink ist becoming most popular all through ye civilised territories, and also Manchester. It ist called a “Bloody Mary”.
Sir James: I begin to see ye connection.
Sir Gareth: Ye authorities fear the drink will lead to Scottish nationalism and Papism, as well as other ill side effects that comes with strong alcohol.  I charge ye to find the recipe and destroy it.
Sir James: Are there ill effects from alcohol? I knowest not of this.
Sir Gareth: Alas, I forgot to whom I was speaking. Think no more of it.
Sir James: But, sire, thou knowest I am of Scottish blood- see, this tattoo on mine arm!
https://i.postimg.cc/xc5X6FWH/007.jpg
Sir Gareth: Queen and country, Naught Naught Seven. Now, thine associate Felix, Lord of Leiter, hast set sail from ye colonies and ist due to arrive soon. ‘Twould be good if thou shouldst meet with him and work on this assignment together.

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Now, this scene by Charmed & Dangerous:

Sir James and Lord Felix enter a tavern in London.

Sir James: This place can be a little rough.
Lord Felix: I'm ready for anything.
Strange music is played by three unfortunate-looking minstrels.
Innkeeper: (Pointing at Lord Felix.) Forsooth! We don't serve thy kind here.
Sir James: What kind?
Innkeeper: Colonials. They keep trying to order cold beer, whatever that may be.
Lord Felix: Why don't we exit stage left to another tavern? I do not wish for any trouble.
(As Sir James and Lord Felix move to depart, Lord Felix accidentally knocks the arm of a varlet, spilling his pint of mead. The varlet blocks their path.)
Varlet: My brethren the Innkeeper here doesn't like you. I don't like you, either. Thou should’st watch thineselves. We're wanted men. I hast the death sentence in 12 counties!
(At that, the varlet removes a dagger from his hose and lunges at Lord Felix. Sir James, however, is too quick. Drawing his sword, he deftly separates the varlet from his arm, before bundling Lord Felix from the tavern.)
Lord Felix: He seems ‘armless to me.
(Outside, a tall, hirsute knight approaches and spits a wad of tobacco to the ground.)
Sir James: Chew-baccy here is first mate on a ship that might suit us.
(Another knight approaches and doffs his cap to Sir James and Lord Felix.)
Knight: Romeo Soleo. I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells me thou art looking for passage to the colonies.
Lord Felix: Aye, indeed, if she be a fast ship.
Romeo: Fast ship? Thou hast ne’er heard of ye Millennium Falcon? Tis’ the ship that ran the English Channel in less than 12 weeks! A faster ship thou shalt ne’er find. Though it leaks and may leave thou wet.
Lord Felix: Well Sir James, ‘tis no time to stay dry.
Sir James: I was afraid you’d say that.

We have to add James & Felix ordering two Bloody Marys, and some sort of reaction which leads to James chasing a varlet (leading into the next scene).

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Good!
Here is a suggestion for a line?

Sir Gareth: Ye authorities fear the drink will lead to Scottish nationalism and Papism, as well as other ill side effects that comes with strong alcohol.  I charge ye to find the recipe and destroy it.
sir James: Are there ill effects from alcohol? I know'st not of this.
Sire Gareth: Alas, I forgot to whom I was speaking. Think no more of it.

Sir James: But, sire, thou knowest I am of Scottish blood- see, this tattoo on mine arm!

There should also be possibilities for jokes about Scottish nationalism and referendums. Have you ever heard of this, Barbel?  ajb007/shifty

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ajb007/confused   Nay, I knowest not about this...

...but I've added those lines above.

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Tying up a loose end...

(Sir James and Lord Felix go into a second tavern.)

Innkeeper: And what would thee like to drink, gentlemen?
Sir James: I will have a mead, let it shaken be and not stirred.
Lord Felix: Where ist thine sense of adventure, Sir James? Innkeeper, we shalt have two Bloody Marys.
(Ye bar goes silent. Ye band stops playing "Good Morning London Town". A darts player freezes mid-throw. In the distance, a wolf howls. Heads slowly turn to stare at Sir James and Lord Felix.)
Varlet: Bloody Marys, eh?
(He throws a dagger at Lord Felix, narrowly missing, then takes to his heels.)
Lord Felix: After him! Run, James, run!
(Sir James chases ye varlet through ye streets. They battle with swords, then the varlet runs off. Sir James pulls out his crossbow and shoots several times, narrowly missing. The varlet trips and falls, his sword lying just outside his arms reach. Sir James walks slowly up to him, crossbow in hand.)
Sir James: I know what thou art thinking: "Did he fire six arrows or only five?" Well to tell thee the truth, in all this excitement, I hast kind of lost track myself. But being this is a 44 crossbow, the most powerful crossbow in the world, and would blow your head clean off, thou hast got to ask thineself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do thee, varlet?
(The varlet gives up trying to retrieve his sword. Sir James picks it up and starts to walk away, as Lord Felix and ye constables arrive.)
Varlet: Hey! (Sir James turns around.) I gots to know...
(Sir James recocks and aims his crossbow and pulls ye trigger, but it just clicks and he grins, laughs, and walks away.)
Varlet: Son of a bitch…

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(Ye cave of ye Young Wizard. Enter Sir James.)
Sir James: Greetings, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Most pleased I am to see thee, Naught Naught Seven. Thine attention I crave- behold this enchanted blond wig! If thou do wear it, thou can tell ye most outrageous lies and everyone shalt believe thee.
Sir James: And what ist it called?
Young Wizard: We call it ye “Donald”.
Sir James: Not ye "Boris", then?
Young Wizard: Nay, we did try that but no-one believed ye lies. Now, what can I do for thee, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: I have been charged by Sir Gareth to look into ye drink known as ye “Bloody Mary”.
Young Wizard: Ah, ‘tis one of a wide range of drinks named after Royals.
Sir James: Such as?
Young Wizard: I prithee, look here. (He mixes some fluids together.) This be called ye “Phizzing Philip”. Thou art not recommended to drive thine carriage after one of these. Or speak with foreigners.

Any other Royal drink ideas?

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"The Charles". It has been stored and aged for decades, ready for the right time. It may have been ageing for too long and gotten a bitter after taste.

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Good one! More would be welcome.

Sir James: Are there any more?
Young Wizard: "The Charles". It has been stored and aged for decades, ready for the right time. It may have been ageing for too long and gotten a bitter after taste.
Sir James: I see. What can thee tell me about ye Bloody Mary?
Young Wizard: Because of its association with Mary, Queen Of Scots, it hath become a symbol for rebellious Scots. Their leader, Red Nicola, ist considering using it as a flag.
Sir James: Then 'tis most important we stamp it out! 'Twould never do for ye Scots to leave ye United Kingdom only to join ye European Union and prosper.

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A free drink at SABS to anyone not Norwegian who gets this one:

"The Martha": One drink will make you belive you're seeing angels, two will convince you that you can cure cancer with Your will.

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I don't get it, but will happily put it in.

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There's no reason to put it in, because no-one gets that joke outside Norway. Martha is the oldest child of the Norwegian king and queen, but because the law of succession that made royal children of both genders eligble to inherit the crown wasn't changed until after she was born. As a result it's her younger brother Håkon who'll be the next monarch. I'm all for women's rights, but we dodged the bullet there. She's trained in massaging horses, but she never settled in such a normal job. She started claiming she can see angels and she is psychic who can see people's auras. She started a "school" to train "students" in these "skills". The "school" is closed, but now she's in a relationship with an American "shaman" who claims a dog told him of a new "philosophy" that among other things say cancer happens because people really wanto die and if they really wan to they can "will" their cancer away. He also says women who have to many sex partners get "imprints" on their vaginas and he can clense this. Both the princess and her shaman complain about the "lying" press that's "bullying" them. I's like to thank the misogynist lawmakers who made sure she'll never be our queen.

Last edited by Number24 (25th Oct 2019 19:41)

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Whew! That isn't going in! How's this?

Sir James: Are there any more?
Young Wizard: "The Charles". It has been stored and aged for decades, ready for the right time. It may have been ageing for too long and gotten a bitter after taste.
Sir James: I see.
Young Wizard: There ist also ye "Martha" One drink will make you believe you're seeing angels, two will convince you that you can cure cancer with your will. If you're Norwegian, that is.
Sir James: But of course. What can thee tell me about ye Bloody Mary?
Young Wizard: Because of its association with Mary, Queen Of Scots, it hath become a symbol for rebellious Scots. Their leader, Red Nicola, ist considering using it as a flag.
Sir James: Then 'tis most important we stamp it out! 'Twould never do for ye Scots to leave ye United Kingdom only to join ye European Union and prosper.